#that being said i have some familiarity with obsessional thinking myself

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia, I'm not sure if this question has been asked before, but how did you decide for Efnisien to have Pure O or even OCD in general?

Hi anon!

Tbh the answer to this is going to be very boring, because I decided through research. Like, I literally just did a lot of research.

I already knew he had PTSD, and I knew from the end of Falling Falling Stars that I quickly had added in some obsessional thinking (which he already demonstrated in how he texted Gwyn, so I was comfortable with that Dx), and then kind of forgot about it because I wasn't ever going to write about him again.

Before Falling Falling Stars I did the good old deep dive into OCD and the different variants of obsessional thinking. I already knew that a chunk of his obsessional thinking was kind of masking the true depth of his PTSD, and that once one started to alleviate, the true nature of his PTSD/C-PTSD would emerge.

Mental illnesses often don't work like this (though they can), but for Efnisien, obsessional thinking was a coping mechanism to hide from his own trauma and to have an anxious, life-damaging outlet for what he was going through. I doubt he ever would have developed Pure O if he'd been removed from that household at an earlier age.

But yeah like, research is how I decided!

[crashdevlin]

Bottle- 15: Sausage With Peppers

Bottle Masterlist

Author’s Note: Originally posted to ao3 (This is an edited and improved version), I work in info from the comics (Like Hawkeye was married to Mockingbird and Red Skull had a disappointing daughter) and I took a few liberties with what the scepter could do (but not really because the Mind Stone was used to create the Twins so what I did is not that far-fetched). This is a lot more angst than I realized when I wrote it, but it’s compelling angst.

Summary: Cassandra Campbell is a Stark Industries lab tech with dubious genetics and a history with the new Director of SHIELD. She’s been working in New York since right before the Chitauri invasion. What does she have to do with Loki, and what will happen when he returns? Starts post TDW and continues to the end of AoU.

Pairing(s): Phil Coulson x OFC (Past), Loki x OFC (Non-con), Clint Barton x OFC, Steve Rogers x OFC

Word Count: 3539

Story Warnings: So many, worst (to me) are bolded. Younger woman/older man relationship,non-con, mutilation, torture, mind control, PTSD, depression, alcoholism, forced abortions, bad things (non-con) in a church, insomnia, memory manipulation, eventual consensual oral sex (female and male receiving),

Chapter Warnings: none

Cassie pulled the van into the parking lot of the Walmart and started at the building for a minute. "How is your first Avengers mission treating you, Joanna?" Loki's voice came from the passenger seat.

"You're not really there," she whispered, closing her eyes. She couldn't look at him, even a projection of him. After what she saw in Africa, she couldn't deal with that.

"True, but I am truly speaking to you. So easy to find when you open up your mind to me."

"I didn't do that. The witch did."

"Witch? I'll have to thank her, you've been practically begging to see me for hours."

Cassie shook her head. "No. This is not... I didn't call to you."

Loki laughed, a cruel sound that gripped her spine. "Joanna... it's perfectly understandable to miss me. With me, there is no doubt, just complete domination. You don't have to worry about who knows you're laying with whom. You don't have to worry about Stark's metal contraptions killing you. You just have to worry about me. And I was gentle last time."

"In Austria? Disguised as the priest who kept me from killing myself?"

"I wanted to see the fire in you! That place dulled you."

"That was the point! I didn't want to think, I didn't want to shine, I didn't want to blaze. I just wanted to be left alone to be. Just be. Exist without anyone paying any attention to me and somehow you and Clint both found me."

"You were suffocating in Austria. You were suffocating as Cassandra. You are still barely pulling air into your lungs. You long for the freedom Joanna thrives upon."

She looked to her right, finally allowing herself to look at him. His eyes looked green in this light. "Look, I'm not going to lie... it'd be useless to try that on you. I had fun with you. You let out a part of me that had been dying to breathe since SHIELD took me, and yes, consensual sex with a God is nothing to shake a stick at, but... I don't miss you. I don't want you. I don't even want to be around you. You killed my daughter."

"And gave you a son." He smiled softly and shook his head at her. "Do you know how I know you do want me around, free to see you as I please? You haven't told Thor what I did to Odin."

As the projection disappeared, Cassie looked at the instrument panel on the dash. Confusion washed over her. She'd found it amusing that the Allfather had been tricked by Loki and that Heimdall, who sees pretty much everything, hadn't seen it. She knew that she'd been too desperate to leave Playground when she woke up, but why hadn't she said anything since she'd been back? She hadn't forgotten: she just hadn't mentioned it. "Just means I'm nuts, not that I want you to drop in unannounced," she muttered, getting out of the van and walking toward the store.

"Talking to yourself already, Campbell? That's a sign of poor fortitude," a familiar voice said as she crossed the double doors.

She turned to the vending area and blanched at the sight of Nick Fury, dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt and wearing dark sunglasses, drinking a Coke. "Director Fury."

"You aren't SHIELD and I ain't in charge anymore," he said, stepping toward her.

"I-I know, sir. I, uh, just thought... After the way I spoke to you last time... respect is due."

"You didn't say anything that wasn't true, Cassie. I am old and I have bad depth perception."

She couldn't help the smile that crossed her face at the use of her chosen name. "But you have so many years of spycraft under your belt."

"And you can carry Thor around as dead weight. Girl, you woulda kicked my ass."

Cassie smiled wider. "So, what are you doing here?"

"I figured Barton would bring you to the farmstead. Safe place, off the grid. I showed up right as you were pulling onto the main road, followed you. I came in here to get a drink while you argued with yourself in the van." Cassie looked down. "I know the Maximoff girl got you, made you see things. Loki?"

Tears came to her eyes as she just nodded, dumbly. Fury put his hand on her shoulder and waited for her to look at him. When she did, he smiled. "You're the only one who got hit by that chick and wasn't completely down for the count. Your teammates, who include the strongest woman I've ever met and a Viking God, had to extracted by you."

"Guess I have better fortitude than you think."

"Definitely better than you think. You know... Maria Hill sends me reports."

"About me?"

Fury nodded. "Among other things. She said you're putting a lot of effort in. You spend most of your free time training. Says you're ‘almost obsessional’ about being an asset."

"Just don't wanna get anyone killed because I can't handle myself in a combat situation. Fat lot of good I did against Ultron. Got shot in the back by one of Tony's legionnaires before I could touch him. Feel kinda useless."

"Useless?"

"What do I add? I mean, the Avengers already have a revved-up super soldier and an acrobatic weapons expert. I'm like a shitty knock-off version of both of them. I don't have anything..."

"You know, doubt is a perfectly normal, healthy thing, that you need to get the hell over, right now. This is not the time for it. Even if you were a shitty knock-off, you could put down some robots. You are more in control of yourself than some of the strongest-willed motherfuckers I have ever met, so pull your head up and move past whatever that witch made you see."

Cassie chuckled and turned, grabbing a hand basket as she headed further into store. "Wow."

"What?" Fury asked, keeping pace with her.

"No, it's just... I finally understand why you were in charge for so long."

"Why's that?"

"There is something oddly inspiring about a one-eyed man yelling at you to get your shit together." She stopped in front of the sausages and stared at them. "Guess I couldn't expect more than Johnsonville at a Wal-mart. Beer brats, I guess. And beer." She dropped three packs of sausages into the basket and walked toward the beer aisle. "So, how's Phil doing?"

"Don't think Barton would be very happy about you asking after your ex, do you?"

"You're kidding me." Cassie turned to him. "Hill knows about me and Clint?"

"Did you forget that you're working with spies? That you're sleeping with one? You remember what that entails."

"Oh, come on, Nick. It was totally different with Phil. We weren't trying to keep any secrets. It was the most honest relationship Phil had ever been in. He didn't have to hide anything from me. I mean, he did... some." She shook her head and grabbed a box of Guinness. "Clint and I just want something that's ours, you know? We don't want everyone talking and speculating and... being jealous."

"Jealous? You're talking about Steve?"

"I'm talking about Steve," she confirmed. "And Natalia and Phil. Also, there's a deep-seated fear that Mockingbird is still in love with him and she's gonna destroy me over this."

"Mockingbird? Natalia? You haven't just been studying your Ops manual, have you?"

"I started in on those SHIELD files while I was still in Austria. Everything I could learn would better my chances of evasion. Once I got back, it was more 'learn everything I can so that I can survive longer'." She started toward the bakery and stood in front of the racks. "Commercial American bakery's nuzing like Hohenheims bakery. Oh, vell." She grabbed several bags of rolls and headed for the registers.

"Are you coming back to the farm, Nick?"

"Yeah. I'll be right behind you. When you get inside, have the lovely Mrs. Barton send Stark to the barn."

"Yes, sir."

************

As Cassie walked across the grass toward the house, she smiled at Steve and Tony, who were chopping wood in the front. "Glad you're working up an appetite. I'm making lunch."

"Austrian diner food, right? Barton might've mentioned." Tony brought his ax down on one of the logs.

Cassie nodded and jogged inside, dropping the plastic bags on the counter. Clint was beside her almost immediately, he was freshly showered, smelled like a forest. "Hey, you made it back!"

"Today, even. Wanna help me cook?"

"Uncle Clint."

"Yeah, Li?" The little girl waited, a bit impatiently, for Clint to stop looking at Cassie. As soon as his eyes fell on the girl, she started to sign. Cassie watched it in her peripheral vision as she pulled a knife from a knife block and ran soap and water over it. "Yep... I think so... " Clint signed as he spoke his responses to her slightly fumbled sign language. The girl seemed frustrated with a word and resorted to signing each letter.

"Wait, who's Mary?" Cassie asked, slicing through the white onion she picked.

Clint turned to her with an eyebrow raised. "You know Sign?"

"Just the alphabet. There was an accident on 107, so traffic slowed enough for me to pull it up on my phone."

"And you learned ASL alpha in the few minutes you were stuck in traffic?"

"Like it's hard?"

"And now you're quoting Legally Blond at me?"

Cassie grabbed a red pepper and a green one from the fridge. "Never seen it."

He chuckled and turned to the girl. "Lila, we'll continue this conversation later, when there's no one around to eavesdrop."

"I weren't dropping no eaves, Mr. Barton, sir. I was just making lunch," she said, in her best Samwise Gamgee impression. Lila nodded and ran out of the room as Cassie started slicing the peppers. "It's a little early in the relationship for your family to be pushing us down the aisle, don't'cha think?" she asked, quietly.

"Eh, she wants a cousin. Thought you didn't Sign?"

"I caught the double Rs in 'marry', and she pointed at us. Not hard to follow."

"She likes you." Clint grabbed a slice of bell pepper from the cutting board and bit it in half. "And she knows I do, too. She just wants me to be happy, that's all."

"Uh-huh. Hey, Laura," Cassie called out. The brunette woman waddled in, hand secured over her belly. "Nick Fury is in your barn. He requests an audience with Mr. Stark, but Tony isn't one to just do what someone asks. Can you figure out a way to get Tony into the barn, please?"

"Yeah, I think I can do that," she said with a smile.

"Grab the sausages out of the bag for me and grab a pan, cast-iron if you have it, and a broiler pan."

"Broiler pan?"

"Every oven comes with one, Clint. Usually it's a two piece thing, slots in the top to catch drippings in the bottom."

"Oh, that thing. Gotcha," Clint said, digging into a low cabinet by the fridge to pull out a large roasting pan. He put it on the stove before pulling out a cast-iron skillet and handing it to her.

"Nice. Okay. Oil?"

"In the glass squeezy thing, there," Count said, pointing to the counter.

"So articulate, Hawk."

"What can I say?” He shrugged. “Obviously not much."

"Then, why do you talk so much?" Cassie said, clicking the burner on under the skillet.

"Hoping to say something to turn you red again. It's a good look."

"Ja, mein Vater seemed to think so."

"Ich finde dich süß when you mix up your languages. [I think you’re cute when you mix up your languages]” Cassie felt her cheeks heat up. "There's her color," he whispered, leaning into her.

Her eyes flicked towards the living room. "Back off, Hawk. This isn't the time," she said, pouring oil into the skillet. Clint leaned away again, but she could feel his eyes on her. "Put the sausages on the broiler pan. Single layer, like you know what you're doing," she said, grabbing the peppers and onions putting them into the skillet.

Cassie had the oven open, flipping the sausages over when Tony stomped into the house, Steve and Nick following behind. "Are you going to be eating with us, Nick? We've got plenty."

"I've heard good things about your cookin', Miss Campbell. It was one of the things Coulson felt comfortable braggin' on you about."

"I'll take that as a 'yes'," she said, smiling as she closed the oven door.

"So... what's the thinking, Fury?" Banner asked as Lila ran into the dining room to hand Natasha a watercolor picture.

"Ultron took you folks out of play to buy himself time. My contacts all say he's building something. The amount of Vibranium he made off with, I don't think it's just one thing," Nick said, walking around to the sink to pour himself a glass of water.

"What about Ultron himself?" Steve asked, leaning against the wall.

"Ah. He's easy to track, he's everywhere. Guy's multiplying faster than a Catholic rabbit. Still doesn't help us get an angle on any of his plans, though."

"He still going after launch codes?" Tony asked, throwing darts at a board on the wall.

"Yes, he is, but he's not making any headway," Nick answered.

"I cracked the Pentagon's firewall in high school on a dare."

"Yeah, well, I contacted our friends at the NEXUS about that," Nick said, starting to cut the rolls Cassie bought for the sandwiches.

"NEXUS?" Steve and Cassie asked.

"It's the world internet hub in Oslo. Every byte of data flows through there, fastest access on Earth," Banner responded.

"So, what'd they say?" Clint asked, examining the fletching of one the darts.

"He's fixated on the missiles, but the codes are constantly being changed."

"By whom?" Tony asked, as Clint threw his darts at the board. Tony looked at him, exasperated as Clint just shrugged, before pulling all three darts from the bulls-eye.

"Parties unknown."

"Do we have an ally?" Natasha asked.

"Ultron's got an enemy, that's not the same thing. Still, I'd pay folding money to know who it is."

"I might need to visit Oslo, find our 'unknown'," Tony said.

"Well, this is good times, boss, but I was kind of hoping when I saw you, you'd have more than that," Natasha grumbled as Nick finished cutting the bread.

"I do. I have you. Back in the day, I had eyes everywhere, ears everywhere else. You kids had all the tech you could dream up.  Here we all are, back on Earth, with nothing but our wit, and our will to save the world. Ultron says the Avengers are the only thing between him and his mission and whether or not he admits it, his mission is global destruction. All this, laid in a grave. So stand. Outwit the platinum bastard," Nick said, sitting down with his water as Cassie pulled the sausages out.

"Steve doesn't like that kind of talk," Natasha teased.

"You know what, Romanoff?" Steve started, faux threateningly. Natasha just smirked.

"So, what does he want?" Nick asked.

Steve looked around as Clint came to sit at the table. "To become better. Better than us. He keeps building bodies."

"Person bodies," Tony responded. "The human form is inefficient, biologically speaking, we're outmoded. But he keeps coming back to it."

Banner walked forward and examined Lila's picture. Natasha looked between the scientists. "When you two programed him to protect the human race, you amazingly failed."

"They don't need to be protected, they need to evolve. Ultron's going to evolve."

"How?" Nick asked as he took a drink of his water.

"Has anyone been in contact with Helen Cho?"

Cassie placed a platter full of sausage and pepper sandwiches on the table and sat next to Natasha. "So, what? Ultron is going to have Helen Cho make him a... a better body?" Everyone looked around at each other, nervously. "Guess we should eat." She reached forward and grabbed a sandwich, but she suddenly didn't feel very hungry.

Clint stood, grabbing a bottle of Guinness and handing it to her. "Anyone else? Might not have another chance."

"Don't talk like that," Natasha said, but she put her hand out for a beer.

************************

Steve walked into the living room as he finished suiting up. "I'll take Natasha and Clint."

"All right. Strictly recon. I'll hit the NEXUS. I'll join you as soon as I can," Tony said, tapping at his wrist.

"If Ultron is really building a body..." Steve started.

"He'll be more powerful than any of us. Maybe all of us. An android designed by a robot."

"You know, I really miss the days when the weirdest thing science ever created was me," Steve mused.

"I'll drop Banner off at the Tower. Do you mind if I borrow Ms. Hill?" Fury asked.

"She's all yours, apparently. What are you gonna do?"

"I don't know. Something dramatic, I hope," Nick said, walking out of the house.

"What about me?" Cassie asked, walking up to Steve and Tony.

"Cass..." Steve started.

"No. Don't even think about leaving me behind. I may be pretty new to this whole 'superhero' thing and I didn't help much against Ultron in New York, but I've got more will, more fortitude than any of you. I pulled myself out of that fugue state..." *Or was the vision simply over* She shook away Loki's voice in her head and kept going. "...and I didn't sulk around about what I saw in that vision. I pulled myself together and then I carried your star-spangled ass off that ship. And then, I went back for Thor and carried his ass out. An action, by the way, that outed me as a superhero to the international news media."

She threw her hands up in exasperation. "Which is great, because Hydra is still looking for their lost legacy and Loki is still looking for his queen, so it's awesome to broadcast my whereabouts. And even with all that, with my worst fears playing in my head on repeat since that witch touched me, I still want to help, because that's what I signed up for. As soon as I decided 'Avenger' would look good on my resume, I signed up to put away my shit and focus on everyone else's. So, tell me, boss, where do you need me?"

Steve looked around, then cleared his throat. "Stark?"

"Ever been to Norway, blondie?" Stark asked.

"No, sir," she answered, standing straight.

"It's good. You'll love it. Might need some muscle, anyway. Can't wear the suit everywhere. Go grab yours," Tony ordered.

Cassie nodded and rushed for the room where she'd changed before heading to the store. Clint followed, closing the door behind him as she pulled her super suit off the floor. "Not the way I pictured the first time you grabbed your clothes off of my floor," he joked.

She turned to him and smiled, slightly. "Be careful. Please. Be careful."

"It's a milk run, babe." Clint stepped forward and pushed her hair out of her face.

"No. My trip to the NEXUS is a milk run. Tony's only taking me because I threw a fit. Ultron might be in Seoul. I mean, he's everywhere. So, he's probably gonna be there... with the Maximoffs. Clint... Wanda, she's..."

"I know, Cassie."

"You don't. I saw-"

"Loki. I know. And you liked it, right? That's why you're all messed up." Cassie blinked back tears. "You remember when we first met? Took you for a drink to celebrate and mourn? I know what you're missing."

"It's not missing the mindlessness, Clint. I mean, that's part of it, but... Joanna, I wanted to... to be with him. I had sex with him. I enjoyed it, being with him."

"That's your greatest fear? That you might've enjoyed sleeping with a demigod?" Clint chuckled. "He's a thousand years old and strong enough to give it to you good. I might've even liked screwing him," he joked.

"Clint... why are you so understanding?" she whispered.

"I've had a long life. Done a lot of bad, had a lot of bad done to me. I focus on intentions, mostly. And your intentions are good, even when you're Joanna. Your intentions as Cassie are... good, right?"

"You're amazing."

"Nah. I've just gotten good at hiding the un-mazing parts of me." Clint brushed his lips against hers. "I'll be safe if you will."

"I promise," she said, wrapping her arms around his neck to pull him into a deeper kiss. Her super suit rubbed against his cheek as their tongues pushed against each other.

"Where's my lab tech?!" Tony called up the stairs.

Cassie pulled away, balling her clothes up in her hands. "Hold your water, Stark, I'm comin'." She opened the door and bounded down the stairs, three at a time.

"You had plenty of time for that while the rest of us were showering. You chose to shop," Tony said.

"Shut up," she groaned. *Everybody knows.*

"Come on," Tony said, walking out of the house.

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