#that being said I'm not a hazbin head I watched the pilot several years ago but thats about it so what do i know lol | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tnlbarth-blog · 2 months ago

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Dec. 9 2024 - 10:53pm

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

So I am sitting here crocheting this blanket I've been working on for a while and watching Tiktok when a reoccurring thought came into my head again. It's more of an observation and a question. But still. This subject has been bothering me even though it seems benign. I will give some relevant background, information and patterns I've noticed first that have led me to my question.

So a few months ago. I'm uncertain when this started but it definitely started this year specifically. I know this because it has to do with Hazbin Hotel. (Well not anything to do with the show itself really but it is a part of this whole thing.)

Well I suppose I could just start everything from when I first watched it. I am not one to follow trends usually but everyone online had been buzzing about the show through February and March and sometime either in March or April I gave in to watching the show. (And the OG pilot on YT) I was quite happy I decided to watch it. I enjoyed the first season in one sitting and couldn't get enough. I told my brother about it and watched videos online about it and enjoyed being a fan for a while.

But there was one thing I made sure not to do. I need you to understand that I am no gatekeeper usually. That thing was to not tell my sister. She couldn't know that it existed and that I enjoyed it. I knew she would love it and that part is fine. Unfortunately she ruins everything I like. She obsesses over things and drains all my fun out of it by constantly talking about it. It's as if she needs to make sure you know she is a bigger fan than you. It's hard to explain. But she is like a vampire. She sucks all the light out of everything she is a fan of. So if she is a fan of your thing she won't just suck all the fun out of it she will suck all your interest in that thing out with it too. Hell she has ruined my interest in things that I wanted to indulge in that I didn't get to watch or read or enjoy yet. She ruined so many things for me. So many potential things for me.

I just couldn't stand the idea of her ruining Hazbin Hotel for me too.

Now at some point in our past I did my best to stop indulging her in her need to "geek out" as she puts it. She was not happy and acted like I was murdering not just her but her then two year old child. But listening to her incessant jabbering about Cisco Ramon from The Flash for years at that point I couldn't do it anymore it was driving me insane. That guy was all she talked about. If you were a stranger you would never know she had a kid. I wish I was over exaggerating.

Coming back to this year and Hazbin Hotel. I enjoyed the show (alone the majority of the time) for about a month then I was back to my normal routine and occasionally rewatching the show to itch a scratch and listening to the songs because they are amazing. If I talked about the show it was with my brother only and not that often. Again avoiding saying anything to or around my sister.

I promise this is all relevant.

Anyway, a month or two after I stopped really engaging with its content I was talking with my sister. (We do enjoy each other's company rarely. Usually I prefer having a third person around but sometimes that doesn't happen.) We were hanging out in her room and she has turned the topic to tv and tv shows in general. But the topic felt a bit forced. But I put that aside to see where she was getting to. And wouldn't you guess she stops on Hazbin Hotel and asks me if I know if it's good.

I hold my tongue. I don't want her to know that I watch it but am suspicious that she knows. She had several ways of knowing. One, she heard me talk to my brother, the walls in this house are thin. Two, she heard me watching the show, the walls in this house are thin. Three, my brother said something to her even though I'd asked him not to. She gave off the impression that she knew that if I told her I hadn't watched it or knew about it that it'd be a lie so I said nothing.

It felt like a trap. She has done similar things in our past. I wasn't sure if what I was thinking was paranoia due to our past of her abusing me or if it was something more so I brushed it off after we hung out that day.

Spring forward another month or two I am hanging out with my brother getting ready to watch some anime when our sister comes in and talks to us for a while. Then much like the last time she pointedly changes the subject from anime to tv in general. Which isn't too crazy but it again felt forced. So odd. And she again asks about Hazbin Hotel making a point to say that she isn't interested in watching anything new she was just interested in our opinions. Which to anyone else would seem innocent enough. But she was making and holding eye contact with me the whole time making it obvious she wasn't interested in our brother's opinion at all.

Again I am feeling uncomfortable with this. It feels more intentional this time. Like she wants me to tell her to watch it. And I stared right back into her eyes and said nothing. Our brother who doesn't like extended periods of silence spoke up after a few seconds saying that he hadn't seen it but he heard it was good. Breaking that silent battle between us and my sisters eyes from mine. Shortly after that she left the room.

That time it really felt like some weird head game. I was confused. Why did she want to know so bad? What was it that she wanted from me? But I again brushed it off hoping she was done with the whole thing.

I was wrong. She ended up watching it recently and when she was finished she rushed to my room and asked me if I was the one that suggested the show to her. I said no and she said okay and left. Like she thought she could just bombard me or something? And get me to confess I watched out of sheer panic or confusion? I don't know. It was a bit confusing though. And since I didn't suggest it to her I wasn't lying.

Again I brushed it off. Because surely that would be the end of it right?

No. It wasn't.

Today I was in the kitchen with our mother and my sister came out and we were all talking and she again asked me about the show. And again it felt forced and weird. She asks if I told her I watched the show. I am facing away from her but I can feel her eyes on the back of my head. I ignored her question and a few seconds later she says that she remembers me saying I didn't. I never said that I did or didn't watch the show. I am pretty sure she was trying to get me to correct her and expose my little secret.

Then for a second time tonight while the three of us were laughing in the kitchen she referenced Alastor's smile which to be honest almost got me. She was making a joke but instead of finding it funny, I didn't. The smile I had faltered a bit and I don't know if she saw it. Maybe that will be conformation enough for her to leave me alone but I doubt it.

I still don't understand why she wants to know. With our past it just feels sinister. It's confusing and frustrating. I don't know why she is so obsessed with knowing if I've seen or even like the show.

To any old person on the street her asking seems innocent enough "she is just trying to bond with her sister" but to me it feels like some type of attack or manipulation. And even if it's all innocent right now, somehow she will use that knowledge against me.

It makes me wonder if she has been ruining things for me on purpose our whole life and she thought she would have a new thing to ruin.

The worst part is that I just want it to be bonding. But my pattern recognition is telling me it's more than that. The fact that she has tried so hard to get me to talk about the show is crazy. She is refusing to take my nonverbal and very obvious ques to leave me alone seriously. I doubt she hasn't noticed or realized. In fact I am sure she has. I think she is trying to get some type of rise out of me.

I don't really know what to do with all this stuff but it's been super frustrating. And hanging on my shoulders. Hopefully I can just leave it here with this post.

Regards

TNL Barth

Dec. 13 2024 - 2:38pm

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

I was thinking more on this topic and I realized that I have Alastor as a profile pic on one of my online profiles elsewhere and maybe my sister saw that. I haven't denied that I've seen the show or whether I like it or not so I haven't lied about it. In fact I basically refuse to talk about it in general. I'm fine with that but I am still wondering why she insists on it. There are so many other shows she knows I've seen so why is this one so important? Is it because I refuse to talk about it. That does make a bit of sense. Maybe she feels like if she gets me to talk about it she wins somehow because it shows she has some type of control over me?

I don't know. It has come to the point that I would much rather not bring any of it up because now it feels like it's become some sort of game.

I also have a picture of Alastor on my lock screen. She could have seen it anytime I've had my phone around her.

The thing about he profile pic is that I have her blocked on all social media so I'm uncertain if she is able to see it.

This topic is so bizarre. It's like we are having a silent argument or something. That's how it feels at least. All I want is for her to respect that I don't want to indulge her need to talk about one of my interests with her. I don't know. This went from suspicion to a boundary to a stance somehow. She seems to think it's okay to repeatedly broach topics that people have already made their minds up about just to get what she wants.

I've seen her do this with other things. She asks for help with something she can do on her own and when someone says no she'll initially say okay. But then she will bring it up over and over for months while the thing she "needs done" sits and waits until everyone gets mad and begins to fight. And in the end if the other person sticks to their boundaries she gets angry and throws a tantrum.

Last time she did that she tossed a chair out the window. I wish I was over exaggerating. The worst part is my mother was on her side even though the other person was clearly in the right.

That chair thing legit happened just this past summer.

She seems to think she is entitled to whatever she wants and I think that's really why she hasn't stopped nagging me about Hazbin Hotel.

Regards

TNL Barth

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