#that alt take of werewolves of london <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[meme-streets]

my favorite thing in music is when they yell random shit or wordlessly scream in the middle of the song

[manifestoonmoralmanlove]

Soulless Riffing: Brainless

Hey world, my ex-gf whom I am still good friends with, got me a series of books called the Parasol Protectorate. It's a Steampunk action, supernatural romance.

Like…I had a feeling this story may not be my cup of tea…but man alive I…phew.

Okay, so I want to say, I don’t think this is a BAD book. It works fine on a technical level and it isn’t written as if somebody can’t form a cohesive plot of decent characters.

However…

Phew….

It’s just riddled with stuff that I hate….and as a steampunk Victorian London action romance story filled with werewolves and vampies…it’s yeah gonna be easy to poke fun at.

I just want to say, it’s totally cool if you like this story or ones like it!  It’s certainly a better caliber than a lot of what I make fun of….however…I can’t help but want to make fun of it.

SO FUCK IT HERE GOES!

Chapter 1

The story opens up with our titular protagonist at a ball, trying to get something to eat in a secluded room when she’s attacked by a vampire.

Here’s a snippet of the scene word for word…

“So Alexia, who abhorred violence, was forced to grab the miscreant by his nostrils, a delicate and therefore painful area, and shove him away.  He stumbled over the fallen tea trolley, lost his balance in a manner astonishingly graceless for a vampire and fell to the floor.  He landed right on top of a plate of treacle tart.  Miss Tarabotti was most distressed by this.  She was particularly fond of treacle tart and had been looking forward to consuming that precise plateful.”

So you’re getting a vibe for this prose, are you not? A little extra English sounding to go with a Victorian London setting, but it’s still very readable. Also the sarcastic smugness of the writing makes sense for a scene about a capable woman dealing with a rapscallion.

BUT I CAN’T STAND IT! IT’S SO FUCKING SMUG!  And also a tea tray of Treacle tarts? Like I can’t come up with a more obnoxiously high-class British sounding alliteration if I recorded what expletives came out of a rich twit’s mouth when tossed in a blender. TOWER OF TOFFEE TOSSERS! CHOO CHOO OF CHUFFED CHIPS! IGNOBLE IMPERIALISTIC INVASION OF INDIA! SHEESH!

It’s two pages in and we have an astonishingly graceless rapscallion being tossed upon a tea tray of treacle tarts and it already feels like a fucking insufferable farce of British Bullshit.

She’s able to toss this tosser because she’s Soulless and those with supernatural abilities have those abilities negated when they touch her. Interesting concept, I’m on board with this premise.

So other ball guests come in to discover her with the dead vampire. That would be the Earl of Woolsey a hunky, gruff, Scottish Alpha Werewolf.  In the first chapter alone there are 3 references to how he would totally bang our hero. 3 in the first chapter.  None of them are subtle. And it’s like cool your jets.  Honestly THE fact I’m reading a romance and a Scottish man shows up is all I need to figure that out.  All the references before we hit page 20 is just fucking obnoxious. Oh his name is Lord Maccon by the way, and I will confess on the first glance at the name I thought it said Lord Macaron and now I can’t help but picture him flapping his cookie halves angrily and sputtering filing everywhere when the leading lady sasses him.

I’M MATURE!

The other one is his much nicer but not as hunky Beta Professor Lyall who begins to examine the dead body.

Why yes, I mean Alpha and Beta not in the hilarious terms picked up by pick up artists and alt-right cucks but the terms USED FOR WOLVES BY A GUY WHO LATER RECANTED EVERYTHING HE SAID. Yes this author has also been known to write A/B/O stories. ALEXIA IF YOU WANNA GET KNOTTED BY THAT SWEET DOG DICK YOU BEST DOUCHE WITH OMEGA PISS! IT’S THE ONLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY WAYYYYYYYYYYYY!

YES, REFERENCES TO OMEGA DOESN’T AUTOMATICALLY MAKE IT BAD, BUT I AM A PETTY BITCH AND I HAD A KNEE-JERK ANGRY REACTION SO FUCKING SUE ME! 

Turns out it’s just hierarchical terms in this universe instead of  in-universe excuses for toxic sexual politics. THANK FUCK!

So while Professor Lyall is examining the body he puts on some goggles and this HILARIOUS exchange ensues,

“Goodness gracious me,” exclaimed Alexia, “What are you wearing? It looks like the unfortunate progeny of an illicit union between a pair of bionoculars and some opera glasses.  What on earth are they called, bionocticals, spectoculars?

The earl snorted his amusement and then tried to pretend he hadn’t. “How about glassicals?” He suggested, apparently unable to resist a contribution.”

Here let me help you make it ACTUALLY funny.

“Before I came up with this models I tried out numerous prototypes I called TEST-ICALS!”

So this vampire turns out to be highly suspicious because he doesn’t appear to be a part of the hives of Vampires and this is actually a clever way to give us some exposition on how vampires work in this world, so I can give some kudos for that.  However this conversation is painful because it’s all over the place. Exposition, unrelated jokes, it takes several pages for them to actual talk about the dead vampire.

Alexia initially refuses to talk about the dead vampire in front of her…but not because she’s afraid of punishment. She’s just gotta be tsundere at Lord Maccon cause he’s tsundere at her. HURMPH!

Like you don’t have to have them starry-eyed at one another off the bat, and some animosity makes it interesting but they’re back and forths are so fucking childish.

“TELL ME THE TRUTH OR I’LL GET YOUR MOTHER!” “BITE ME….YOU….YOU….PUPPY!!!!!”

“PUPPY!?!?!??! HOW DARE YOU!”

I’m not shipping it yet, and you’re trying way too hard in chapter one for it my friend. So it wraps up, and Alexia isn’t punished…I’m sensing a theme here.

Say something Nice Faps:

I’m putting this section in to try to keep some perspective. Because honestly, this story isn’t very bad, it’s just not my cup of tea and easy to make fun of.  So every chapter I’m going to try to say something nice.

I enjoyed how she described the vampire’s death that his skin went yellow and went limp like overcooked asparagus. That’s a great visual!

As I said before, introducing us to how this universe’s vampires work by pointing out all the ways the dead one wasn’t typical was a clever way of putting forth exposition.

Lord Maccon isn’t characterized like a total douchebag

The notion of a group of humans who can negate vampire/werewolf powers when touched is genuinely interesting.