#that alt take of werewolves of london <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[meme-streets]

my favorite thing in music is when they yell random shit or wordlessly scream in the middle of the song

[manifestoonmoralmanlove]

Soulless Riffing: Brainless

Hey world, my ex-gf whom I am still good friends with, got me a series of books called the Parasol Protectorate. It's a Steampunk action, supernatural romance.

Like…I had a feeling this story may not be my cup of tea…but man alive I…phew.

Okay, so I want to say, I don’t think this is a BAD book. It works fine on a technical level and it isn’t written as if somebody can’t form a cohesive plot of decent characters.

However…

Phew….

It’s just riddled with stuff that I hate….and as a steampunk Victorian London action romance story filled with werewolves and vampies…it’s yeah gonna be easy to poke fun at.

I just want to say, it’s totally cool if you like this story or ones like it!  It’s certainly a better caliber than a lot of what I make fun of….however…I can’t help but want to make fun of it.

SO FUCK IT HERE GOES!

Chapter 1

The story opens up with our titular protagonist at a ball, trying to get something to eat in a secluded room when she’s attacked by a vampire.

Here’s a snippet of the scene word for word…

“So Alexia, who abhorred violence, was forced to grab the miscreant by his nostrils, a delicate and therefore painful area, and shove him away.  He stumbled over the fallen tea trolley, lost his balance in a manner astonishingly graceless for a vampire and fell to the floor.  He landed right on top of a plate of treacle tart.  Miss Tarabotti was most distressed by this.  She was particularly fond of treacle tart and had been looking forward to consuming that precise plateful.”

So you’re getting a vibe for this prose, are you not? A little extra English sounding to go with a Victorian London setting, but it’s still very readable. Also the sarcastic smugness of the writing makes sense for a scene about a capable woman dealing with a rapscallion.

BUT I CAN’T STAND IT! IT’S SO FUCKING SMUG!  And also a tea tray of Treacle tarts? Like I can’t come up with a more obnoxiously high-class British sounding alliteration if I recorded what expletives came out of a rich twit’s mouth when tossed in a blender. TOWER OF TOFFEE TOSSERS! CHOO CHOO OF CHUFFED CHIPS! IGNOBLE IMPERIALISTIC INVASION OF INDIA! SHEESH!

It’s two pages in and we have an astonishingly graceless rapscallion being tossed upon a tea tray of treacle tarts and it already feels like a fucking insufferable farce of British Bullshit.

She’s able to toss this tosser because she’s Soulless and those with supernatural abilities have those abilities negated when they touch her. Interesting concept, I’m on board with this premise.

So other ball guests come in to discover her with the dead vampire. That would be the Earl of Woolsey a hunky, gruff, Scottish Alpha Werewolf.  In the first chapter alone there are 3 references to how he would totally bang our hero. 3 in the first chapter.  None of them are subtle. And it’s like cool your jets.  Honestly THE fact I’m reading a romance and a Scottish man shows up is all I need to figure that out.  All the references before we hit page 20 is just fucking obnoxious. Oh his name is Lord Maccon by the way, and I will confess on the first glance at the name I thought it said Lord Macaron and now I can’t help but picture him flapping his cookie halves angrily and sputtering filing everywhere when the leading lady sasses him.

I’M MATURE!

The other one is his much nicer but not as hunky Beta Professor Lyall who begins to examine the dead body.

Why yes, I mean Alpha and Beta not in the hilarious terms picked up by pick up artists and alt-right cucks but the terms USED FOR WOLVES BY A GUY WHO LATER RECANTED EVERYTHING HE SAID. Yes this author has also been known to write A/B/O stories. ALEXIA IF YOU WANNA GET KNOTTED BY THAT SWEET DOG DICK YOU BEST DOUCHE WITH OMEGA PISS! IT’S THE ONLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY WAYYYYYYYYYYYY!

YES, REFERENCES TO OMEGA DOESN’T AUTOMATICALLY MAKE IT BAD, BUT I AM A PETTY BITCH AND I HAD A KNEE-JERK ANGRY REACTION SO FUCKING SUE ME! 

Turns out it’s just hierarchical terms in this universe instead of  in-universe excuses for toxic sexual politics. THANK FUCK!

So while Professor Lyall is examining the body he puts on some goggles and this HILARIOUS exchange ensues,

“Goodness gracious me,” exclaimed Alexia, “What are you wearing? It looks like the unfortunate progeny of an illicit union between a pair of bionoculars and some opera glasses.  What on earth are they called, bionocticals, spectoculars?

The earl snorted his amusement and then tried to pretend he hadn’t. “How about glassicals?” He suggested, apparently unable to resist a contribution.”

Here let me help you make it ACTUALLY funny.

“Before I came up with this models I tried out numerous prototypes I called TEST-ICALS!”

So this vampire turns out to be highly suspicious because he doesn’t appear to be a part of the hives of Vampires and this is actually a clever way to give us some exposition on how vampires work in this world, so I can give some kudos for that.  However this conversation is painful because it’s all over the place. Exposition, unrelated jokes, it takes several pages for them to actual talk about the dead vampire.

Alexia initially refuses to talk about the dead vampire in front of her…but not because she’s afraid of punishment. She’s just gotta be tsundere at Lord Maccon cause he’s tsundere at her. HURMPH!

Like you don’t have to have them starry-eyed at one another off the bat, and some animosity makes it interesting but they’re back and forths are so fucking childish.

“TELL ME THE TRUTH OR I’LL GET YOUR MOTHER!” “BITE ME….YOU….YOU….PUPPY!!!!!”

“PUPPY!?!?!??! HOW DARE YOU!”

I’m not shipping it yet, and you’re trying way too hard in chapter one for it my friend. So it wraps up, and Alexia isn’t punished…I’m sensing a theme here.

Say something Nice Faps:

I’m putting this section in to try to keep some perspective. Because honestly, this story isn’t very bad, it’s just not my cup of tea and easy to make fun of.  So every chapter I’m going to try to say something nice.

I enjoyed how she described the vampire’s death that his skin went yellow and went limp like overcooked asparagus. That’s a great visual!

As I said before, introducing us to how this universe’s vampires work by pointing out all the ways the dead one wasn’t typical was a clever way of putting forth exposition.

Lord Maccon isn’t characterized like a total douchebag

The notion of a group of humans who can negate vampire/werewolf powers when touched is genuinely interesting.

[giveamadeuschohisownmovie]

Imaginary MCU shows (part 3): “Marvel’s Magicians”

Part 1: “MARVEL’S GHOST RIDER”

Part 2: “MARVEL’S BLADE” 

With the success of the Ghost Rider and Blade shows, Marvel decided to take it up a notch in this “Riderverse”. Taking a cue from DC’s “Legends of Tomorrow”, the idea behind “Marvel’s Magicians” was that the cast would comprise of magicians who have appeared on either Ghost Rider or Blade. 

As a side note, the show's title did not reference a specific magician due to the fact that there is no true protagonist on the show. The unofficial protagonist is Jennifer Kale but even that’s up for debate among the MCU fanbase.

(AN: I make references to the other parts in this series so it’s best to read part 1 and 2 to fully understand this post) 

MAIN CAST

1) Natalie Dormer as Jennifer Kale: The unofficial main protagonist of the series. She is a Rising Tide hacker who descended from Zhered-Na, an ancient Atlantean sorceress. Throughout the course of the series, she learns how to master her abilities in order to become a master sorceress. Along with Robbie Reyes and Blade, the MCU fanbase has dubbed the trio “The Unholy Trinity”.

It was only appropriate that when Marvel announced the Midnight Sons crossover event, Marvel TV hyped the event up by showcasing a teaser where Robbie, Jennifer, and Blade encountered each other in a dark alley.      

(First appeared as a recurring character on “Marvel’s Ghost Rider”. She was a friend of Daisy Johnson during her time in the Rising Tide) 

2) Rosabell Laurenti Sellers as Victoria Montesi: A young, gifted sorceress from Italy and the leader of the Darkhold Redeemers. Victoria is on S.H.I.E.L.D.’s most wanted list after she and the other Redeemers stole the Darkhold from them. Her reasoning was that S.H.I.E.L.D. had abused the book’s power. 

(First appeared as a guest character on “Marvel’s Blade”. She discusses her theft of the Darkhold with Fitz and Simmons)

3) Bruce Boxleitner as Modred the Mystic: An ancient sorcerer from the Middle Ages who was reawakened on accident by Team Rider. He was once a good, ambitious sorcerer who sought to use the Darkhold to help people. But after exposure to the book, his soul was corrupted, forcing the sorcerers of his time to imprison him in temporal stasis. In the present day, although still corrupt, he now works for the team as an anti-hero.

(First appeared as a guest character on “Marvel’s Ghost Rider”) 

4) Michael Cudlitz as Sam Buchanan: An Interpol agent who becomes entangled with the occult after meeting Victoria Montesi. He was assigned to protect her after the Church of Chthon, a cult that worships the elder god and wants the book for themselves, attacked Victoria. Sam is the grunt of the group, being the only one with actual combat training and experience (aside from Mack). 

(First appeared as a guest character on “Marvel’s Blade”, the same episode Victoria Montesi appeared in) 

5) Aaron Yoo as David Tran: A sorcerer who hails from the New York Sanctum Sanctorum. He is revealed to be the half-brother of Ruby Minh Tran, the sorceress who was assigned by Doctor Strange to watch over Robbie Reyes/Ghost Rider. David is the comic relief of the show, being the most light-hearted of the team. 

David is Zoey Simmons’ main love interest. 

(First appeared as a recurring character on “Marvel’s Ghost Rider”. He bonded with his half-sister and competed with each other to see who was the better magician) 

6) Jessica Brown Findlay as Zoey Simmons / The Daughter of Dormammu: Jemma Simmons’ younger sister. She was an antisocial outcast among her family, deeply resenting her sister due to her many achievements (the two PhDs in particular) and her popularity. Zoey ran away from home and eventually ran into a sect of magicians separate from the Sanctum Sanctorums. There, she became a follower of the dark entity Dormammu.

Zoey was a major recurring villain on “Marvel’s Blade” but became more of an anti-hero / anti-villain on “Marvel’s Magicians”. She joins the Darkhold Redeemers when the team realized they needed an expert on Dormammu / The Dark Dimension in general. Zoey accepted but only if it meant all of her crimes would be pardoned. 

Zoey is David Tran’s main love interest. 

(First appeared as a recurring character on “Marvel’s Blade” as the tertiary antagonist of seasons 1 and 2 before leaving the show) 

7) Alexander Skarsgard as Daimon Hellstrom / Son of Satan: A half-human/half-demon hybrid who joins the team when he learns that his father and several other demons are planning on stealing the Darkhold for their own, sinister purposes. He joins the team alongside his sister, Satana. 

(First appeared as a recurring character on “Marvel’s Ghost Rider”)

8) Crystal Reed as Satana Hellstrom / Daughter of Satan: Alongside her brother, Satana joins Team Magicians when she learns that her father and his demon pack are planning on stealing the Darkhold. Unlike her brother, who is selfish and arrogant, Satana is humble and wants to be seen more for her human half than her demon half.  

(First appeared as a recurring character on “Marvel’s Ghost Rider”)

9) Mark Anthony Brighton as Jericho Drumm / Brother Voodoo: A voodoo sorcerer who was initially working for Steppin Razor but left due to the heat left in the wake of Deacon Frost’s death. After fleeing London, Jericho joined the Darkhold Redeemers. 

Behind the scenes note: Despite appearing in ‘Doctor Strange’, Mark was brought back as a different character since the producers liked him. 

(AN: I can’t take credit for this cast. All credit goes to @marvelvsmarvel)

(First appeared as a guest character on Blade)

10) Troye Sivan as William “Billy” Kaplan / Wiccan: A young sorcerer who is searching for clues regarding his mother. It’s later revealed that Billy is the time-displaced son of the Scarlet Witch and Vision. He is not supposed to be born for another 10 or so years. The event that led to him being time displaced is unclear since Billy developed amnesia after being sent back.   

Billy’s boyfriend, Teddy Altman, appears later on in season two. 

(First appeared as a guest character on “Marvel’s Ghost Rider”. He showed up in Los Angeles, suffering from amnesia)

11) Cicely Tyson as Professor Louise Hastings: One of the few remaining sorceresses from the “Golden Era”, which was the height of the Ancient One’s reign. Professor Hastings serves as the guide and mother figure of Team Magicians. 

NOTE: Cicely only appears as a series regular in season one. She is killed by Lilith at the end of season one as a way for the team to grow without a guide. 

(First appeared as a guest character on “Marvel’s Blade”) 

12) Tyler James Williams as Jinx: Professor Louise Hastings’ grandson. Unlike his mother, Jinx has magical abilities, although he is a rookie at best. Jinx’s first name is never revealed on the show since he prefers his privacy.  

(First appeared as a guest character on “Marvel’s Blade”) 

13) Henry Simmons as Alphonso “Mack” MacKenzie: Back by popular demand, Henry was brought onto the show. The in-story reason is that Mack was assigned to hunt the Darkhold Redeemers down after they stole the Darkhold. He stays with the team when he encounters the alt-world counterpart of his daughter.   

(First appeared as a main character on “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”)

14) Jordan Rivera as Hope MacKenzie: As the catalyst to the main story in season one, Hope from the alternate Earth (dubbed “Mephisto’s Earth” since it’s a version of Earth where Mephisto reigns supreme) crossed over to the MCU Earth after a portal between worlds was opened. Unlike the MCU Hope, alt-Hope despises her father. 

In season one, it’s heavily implied that alt-Mack was a horrible person. In season two, it’s revealed alt-Mack was a hitman with little regard to human life. He also took his daughter for granted by being constantly missing in her life.  

(Technically first appeared on “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”, but as a program) 

PROMOTED TO MAIN CAST IN SEASON TWO

1) Nazanin Boniadi as Topaz: A homeless witch with no recollection of her past. Topaz is the “Skye” of the show since she’s trying to find out where she came from and why she can’t remember anything.

It’s revealed later on that Topaz and her parents were magicians who were part of Kaecilius’ rogue zealots and that her parents were taken by Dormammu at the end of “Doctor Strange”. Topaz had left the group before then when she realized that following Dormammu would lead only to ruin.

To spare Topaz since she was the only one who felt genuine remorse, the Ancient One (in a special guest appearance by Tilda Swinton), had her memory erased.

2) Kristin Kreuk as Carmilla Black / Scorpion: Going back to Blade season three, the existence of vampires and werewolves had been made public, leading to the Roxxon Corporation to start funding projects that involved the supernatural.

The most successful product was Subject 18 / Frankenstein’s Monster, who would later go on to be the main antagonist of Blade’s season three. The SECOND most successful product was Subject 25 aka Carmilla Black / Scorpion. She was given the same task that Subject 18 was given; hunt down supernatural threats.

But unlike Frankenstein’s Monster, she ends up joining Team Magicians as the group’s lead assassin. As the series continues, Carmilla learns what it means to be human and manages to break free from her programming. 

BIG BADS (GOING UP TO SEASON THREE)

1) Winona Ryder as Lilith / Mother of All Demons: Main antagonist of season one and the Midnight Sons crossover event. Lilith is an ancient demon who was one of the few survivors of the collapse of Atlantis. She had been imprisoned in the ruins until being awaken by S.H.I.E.L.D.. 

Lilith is defeated twice in the MCU. The first time is when Jennifer Kale manages to banish her to hell at the end of season one (but not before Lilith kills Professor Louise Hastings). The second time is when she’s summoned back to Earth by her followers, only to be sent back to hell by the Midnight Sons (the combined forces of Team Rider, Team Blade, and Team Magicians). 

2) Burn Gorman as Mephisto: Main antagonist of season two and technically, all three Riderverse shows. Although he’s appeared as a threat to all three main Riderverse shows, he steps up as the main threat in season two when he sets out to claim the Darkhold for himself.

Mephisto is technically not defeated at the end of season two. He simply stops his assault when the group makes a deal with him. Mephisto would promise to stop all the violence and give up chasing the Darkhold while Team Magician would help him get rid of his strongest competitor. Mephisto agrees to the terms and demands that the group destroys the Church of Chthon.  

The group immediately accepts the deal since they were planning on going after the Church of Chthon anyways due to the fact that they targeted Victoria Montesi. 

As a side note, Mephisto also reveals that he isn’t Daimon and Satana’s father. It’s revealed that their real father is another demon named “Marduk Krios”, who is using the Satan name. 

3) James Cosmo as Father Michael Duffy (the human representative of Chthon): Main antagonist of season three, although he serves the True Big Bad, Chthon. He is also the secondary antagonist of seasons 1 and 2 due to the Church’s attack on Victoria Montesi. 

For his background, Father Duffy and his followers worship Chthon, the creator of the Darkhold. He is ruthless and an extremist, willing to kill anyone who even insults Chthon. The group goes after Father Duffy as part of their deal with Mephisto. 

Father Duffy is killed halfway into the season by Victoria, who shoots him in the head. However, his corpse becomes inhabited by Chthon, who takes over as the Big Bad of the season. 

Chthon is eventually sent back to hell by the group, but not before taking the Darkhold with him. This leads to the group venturing into the hell dimension, leading to season 4.