#that adhd feel when you take a billion words to say anything but can't read anything longer than three paragraphs

[isa-ghost]

I always want more q!phil headcanons, even if there are not asks about it

Oh fuck yeah man. Here's my previous sets if you haven't read them:

Set 1

Set 2

Set 3

And here's more:

He fucking HATES feeling on edge. He's extremely familiar with it, but that never dulls his hatred for the ick it gives him. That knot in his stomach, the flutter in his chest, the reeling in his mind, the fire in his nerves, the tremble in his limbs. That unshakeable feeling that no matter what or where he is, his back is vulnerable. This man wants to be Fight over Flight or Freeze EVERY time, so when he can't control the situation or can't anticipate what happens, he mcfreaks it. How can he prepare to survive when he doesn't know what to prep against? Or in the case of the Ender King business, how can he do anything to prepare against an all-powerful God?

He's struggling a bit with the whole Rose thing. Does he keep her a Death Family Secret? Does he extend her protection to his closest friends like Fit & Ramon? He'd like to give them the same extra layer of security he has from her, even if just to give Fit a little more peace of mind, but he respects Rose & values her & her aid deeply. He doesn't want to stretch her too thin, or worse, come off like he takes her love & protection for granted. It's the one case in which, while very tempting, he resists that urge to be overzealous. He's just torn because he doesn't want to see any of his friends hurt. So because of the way he is, he feels guilty that he has a secret extra oomph to how safe he & his kids are

Speaking of Rose, when there's no immediate crisis at hand, he loves to gush to her about life. He talks so highly of Missa & Fit & Etoiles. He asks her if she's seen the latest silly things Chayanne & Lullah have done. He rants on and on about the Federation. Can you believe those guys Rose?

He tries and, like in all other situations, fails not to swear around/to Rose. She's a deity, a very.. not exactly formal, but Prestigious deity nonetheless. It's no place for swearing. But Phil is cursed with Autopilot Sailor Mouth so half the time he's dropping f bombs while heated or scared about something, he's not even registering what's coming out of his mouth. Besides, he's gotta focus his train of thought or else them 80 HDs he's got will derail it. Can't be focused on not saying the fuck word

Speaking of ADHD, much like his swearing, he sometimes doesn't register himself vocal stimming either. Boosh boosh boosh, he's tunnel-visioned on his task. The kids & polycule find it endearing to witness. Sometimes they get passed onto other islanders

He thinks Bagi is so fucking cool. Like yeah, it's cool his good friend Cellbit has a sister or whatever but that's not what makes her cool. She's fucking brilliant. She's headstrong, she knows what she wants & what she's looking for. She gets shit DONE. And god help whoever hinders her efforts. He's allergic to giving himself any credit whatsoever, so in his eyes she's a billion times cooler & smarter & more badass than he is, rather than like. A few thousand times cooler & smarter. But yeah, she's a superhero in his eyes

Tbh putting him with either of the Theory Twins is a sight to behold. Phil is a brilliant strategist & very resourceful. There's such strong, immaculate chemistry between this man who loves to think & is a natural at planning, and either of the twins who are good at making the puzzle pieces fit & seeking out nooks & crannies for more info. When put together they truly are a force to be reckoned with to the Federation

When left to his own devices & off-duty as dad + not needed by any of the islanders for something serious, he let's loose. No more wise bad bitch crow man who's palpably emotionally damaged yet won't admit it. He's off the shits. You've seen Eggza. That's him de-stressing by fully indulging his favorite things: preparing necessities for survival & being an absolute wildcard.

I can't tell if I like the idea he legitimately can't see glass bc crow hybrid or the idea that he fakes it to amuse the kids & his friends For The Bit better. Maybe he plays it off like a bit but he legit can't see it. Idk.

I said it in a rant about Phil's characterization and I'll say it again: this man doesn't fucking realize he's flawed. Like he thinks he is but not in the way he actually is. He doesn't recognize his actual flaws as flaws. Or doesn't realize they're flaws. Or maybe is ignoring that they're flaws because he uses them to cope or something. Either way. What this man THINKS are his flaws & his actual flaws are entirely different things. In his mind his actual flaws are something he thinks are normal bc he's just Been That Way for so long.

He likes to collect things that make him think of his friends & the kids ("oh Lullah will like this!" "Ooh, Fit said something about needing that!") but because he has that good ol ADHD memory, he'll store it in a backpack for later & then promptly forget about it or get distracted

God, he is so incredibly proud of Lullah for liking to build pretty things like her farm or botanical garden. She really is su niña <3

[Wants to support Chayanne by being involved in his cooking hobby] [Observes Chayanne cooking] [Absorbs no knowledge whatsoever] :D

He hates the rain. Not only is it a Quesadilla Island Horrors omen, but it's also annoyingly wet & makes for even more dangerous mobs around. Also the bad weather makes his wing pain flare up

If only communicators (meta: in-game chat) allowed for sending pictures. At least then he could send Missa memes while they're apart 😭

Stay tuned, I have like 4 other sets coming because I got asks. :D

[callmearas]

You know what sucks? Recognizing yourself as a person who lost their ambitions. Or maybe I never had them at all and what I thought were ambitions were fleeting whims that hit like an addiction because of my ADHD. I feel like I found a comfortable space that's good and fine and safe and settled in and have made it worse for myself because of that. I want (wanted?) to be a writer, and yet I never write, or write only when the emotion takes me, which is like once every generation. I think I understand storytelling and everything I read but then I see people who really (actually?) care and how much they dissect and actually understand how to do it, how it's done well. I wanted (want?) to play music but only play now to teach others, never doing it for myself. I feel like a dead end.

I stopped seeing myself as exceptional as someone who deserves to speak and be heard and only parrot what others say. I've let myself become a ghost before my death, someone who might be rememered as a shrivelled and decayed branch on my family tree. And what does thinking that say about all of my family who has or still lives, having found their homes and still continue to build them. How can I feel so useless and undeserving of pride and still I have the gall, the conceit, the egotism to place myself first, to not think about how everyone places themself first.

Even in this moment I can't stop myself from calling myself garbage for thinking these thoughts are worth editing. I've changed words to those I feel would provide more impact. Why? Am I trying to convince you, the few real people I believe might actually be following this nothing blog, that I am a deep and truly erudite and intellectual writer? That I sow misery as easily as I breathe? Who the fuck am I to think my thoughts are worth listening to? How can I extol feeling that everyone else deserves to have their voice heard, to communicate what they really want, and yet see myself as garbage who will not contribute anything of worth to the world. I said to myself that the only thing I knew I wanted to be was a good person, and despite the effort I know I am making it that regard, I feel like I will only continue to fail and hurt people as I make mistake after mistake on the way there.

And none of this is special. Millions, (no hundreds of millions, [no billions]) of people go through these thoughts which makes me feel comfort that I am not alone, but also made me feel utterly unimportant. I feel a part of a great oneness, and yet feel despair that I don't stick out enough.

Why am I not special? How can I be feel warmth at the thought of common identity, of not being alone, and still so unsatisfied? Why am I not more special? Why do I need to be special? Why am I not doing anything about it? Why don't I do the things I know that works?

I have no answers, no yearning, no exceptionality, no focus, and no fucking clue, only questions, comfort, ego, and wants I'm letting die as I wait for oblivion.

I just want to want again. No, I need to need, I need to obsess, to so strongly desire something, anything, that I will change myself to do something about it again. I want to want to be a writer, actor, musician, teacher, good person again, to be the expert that others can turn to, to learn from, to trust. But my ADHD will shift that around so suddenly that I'm never wanting the same thing in the morning as I fell asleep with. The worst part is that I know how to change all this, but I can't focus on changing long enough that anything will happen for long. No, I only focus on finding comfort now, not satisfaction. I only focus on hearing and not being heard.

I'm fucking stuck.

[thequintessentialqueer]

I've suspected that I'm on the spectrum for a while but feel weird about self diagnosing and talking to my friends about it and was wondering if you would mind talking about your personal experience with self diagnosis? Also how debilitated must a person be to have this? And can the amount they are debilitated vary depending on what else they're coping with and still be valid?

I’m formally diagnosed as ADHD-I and suspected to be on the autism spectrum, but not officially diagnosed. I was diagnosed as ADHD after fifteen hours of testing. they also said they had considered autism spectrum disorder as a second diagnosis, as my childhood profile matched perfectly. the reason they ruled it out? well, ADHD and autism have a lot of overlap in symptoms and traits, so they wanted to treat my ADHD before diagnosing anything else. okay, fair. ADHD and autism are very frequently comorbid, but fine. I can accept that. but their other reason? “you write poetry and have an interest in activism. those are not typical for people with autism, as they require abstract thinking and empathy.” here’s my take: if the only reason I wasn’t diagnosed as autistic is because my special interests/hyperfixations aren’t fucking stereotypes (because contrary to popular belief, autistic people are human beings with varied interests and passions…….who knew???), I can confidently say that those reasons are terrible. if those are the only things that prevented the diagnosis for a disorder I otherwise match perfectly, well, then I AM autistic. their reasons were outdated, ignorant, and uninformed. I have many autistic friends who share my interests and my commitment to activism: they are valid, and so am I. and so are you. the thing about diagnosis is that regardless of whether you do it, or your family doctor does it, or a specialist does it, it all comes down to examining your history and experiences and matching them to a list of traits that are frequently shared by people with that label. there’s no magic to it. there’s no trick. it’s just asking “do you experience this?” “has this happened to you?” “do you think about this in this way?” and answering honestly. there are definitely benefits to formal diagnosis. being diagnosed as ADHD means I can access medication that helps me manage my symptoms and exist more comfortably and well within a world that wasn’t designed for me. but with autism, I was never looking for a treatment. I don’t want to be medicated or cured. I don’t want to be put through abusive therapy designed to make me act allistic. learning about autism on my own terms and finding community online helped me fill in the gaps in my life and work through the shame and discomfort and humiliation that I grew up with. it gave me affirmation, coping strategies, and people who I could relate to. for me, that was all I needed, and I didn’t need a doctor to diagnose me in order to access it. sometimes formal diagnosis is necessary to access the help you need, but if that’s not what you’re looking for, and you can’t or don’t want to go through the diagnostic process (where unfortunately you’re very likely to encounter a lot of ignorance and ableism), you don’t have to put yourself through that. you know yourself. you’ve done the research. you exist in an age where all of medical knowledge is a click away, and if all you want is a word for how your brain operates, and a community of people who get you, well, then welcome! you’re here! you’ve found it! and yes, circumstances will have an impact on how debilitating your symptoms can be. I know that with my ADHD, I have much worse symptoms when I’m sleep deprived, hungry, stressed, etc. it’s also understood that environmental factors have a huge impact (upbringing, family life, education, support systems, etc). I was raised by very disorganized, chaotic parents (one of whom is now diagnosed as ADHD as well, and the other who is considering seeking diagnosis): as such, my biggest struggles are with tidiness, planning, time management, etc. at the same time, my mum’s realization that I was very unusual, and her choice to home-educate me to spare me from bullying and being made to feel like a failure in an academic environment had a hugely positive impact on me. she nurtured my special interests, helped me follow my passions, didn’t force me to do things that made me miserable (even including eating foods that gave me sensory issues: to this day, she always makes sure to cook me something she knows I can eat without being distressed!), and affirmed my worth in every possible way. a lot of adhd and autistic (and otherwise neurodivergent) kids grow up with very low self-esteem because they’re made to feel inferior within a system that wasn’t built for them. I know with adhd in particular, the drop-out rates, alcohol and drug abuse rates, incarceration rates, etc are very high compared to non-adhd people. I credit my academic success in my late teens and adulthood to my mum; if I had been in school my whole life, I wouldn’t have believed in myself and the results could have been catastrophic. what is disabling in one situation can be an asset in another; yes, ADHD and ASD come with impairments and challenges. sometimes really fucking huge ones. but a lot of the things that we struggle with are socially constructed and enforced, not innate to us. we live in a society that demands that we work and/or go to school full time; that we hold a job in order to survive; that we focus on and do things that don’t interest us; that we be able to socialize based on very specific parameters; that we constrict our emotions in public and only express them in ways that are considered acceptable to neurotypicals. we live in a world that is not designed for our brains, and that world makes our impairments disabling/debilitating. anyway, massively long response just to say that self-diagnosis is valid. I would still recommend getting some kind of counselling or therapy if you’re able to, just because growing up autistic or otherwise neurodivergent comes with a lot of pain, and it can really help to work through it with someone whose job it is to listen. (just keep in mind that there are a LOT of awful therapists out there and you should never stay with one who you don’t feel you can trust or talk to. the first thing my old therapist told me when I met her was that if I didn’t feel like she was the right fit for me, I could make an appointment with someone else and she wouldn’t be hurt at all, because it’s about my wellbeing above all else). at the end of the day, this is about your wellbeing. so if autism as a word feels like home, you’re home. find others like you and share with each other the joys and the pains of having this kind of brain. look for resources online. figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. use this knowledge and this identity to try to create a life for yourself that isn’t always hurting you.