#that I feel like if it is celiacs it’s still gonna be seen as oh so ur fine that’s nothing

[ghostickle]

The top two guesses for what the fuck is wrong with me rn is celiacs or Graves’ disease and celiacs looks really possible but I Really don’t what that to be it cause there’s already so many foods I can’t eat im already very limited in what I’m able to eat and that would knock out just about all of it and in a weird way I hope it’s graves cause then it’d also explain a lot of the issues with my eyes

[allfather-we-stan]

A little life update "summer 22 with no solid poo"

for anyone who cares lol

as some of you may have seen from my other social medias and here, my health has gone to pretty downhill and I want to share my story and explain bc idk

And for not to scare anyone, no its im not deadly ill. Im prob gonna be just fine.

gross warning i talk about poop

So umm this all started at the end of may- start of june when i started having diarreah. no biggie, i get anxiety diarreah like once a week so i didnt think much of it at the time. Only took me like few more weeks for straight diarreah to realize that something may be wrong lol. So i joked about it and let it be. I call this summer "Summer 22 with no solid poo" and wanted to wait till august to go to doctor. Then i got covid. So i had to wait that out before going to the hospital.

And finally the day I got to go to the doctor and everything was fine, i was supposed to get blood work tested and maybe poop in a container and the doctor thought that it might be celiac-disease bc that runs in my family. But i got fever straight as i got home. I didn't feel so good. The fever continued for a couple of days and then we decided its time to go to ER.

We went there, got bloodwork done etc. Waited there like 6 hours and finallly at 9pm the doctor had time to see me and turns out my inflammatory values were super high and that theyd like me to stay at the hospital for a while. So i stayed at the hospital for 7 days.

In those 7 days they took so much bloodwork from me it was insane! (and fun fact, turns out my veins are shit and no one can find a good spot to draw blood or put an IV tube in). For a couple of days, no answers. They had no idea whats wrong with me. My fever rise and they gave me antibiotics and other meds. Went to the ultrasound and nothing. And then, they had to give me a observation aka "put a little camera up my ass".

But bc i live in a small city theres like one doctor who does that and his schedule was full. So I had long long days waiting for my appointment. And they got me on friday.

But before we get to the camera up my ass part. Hell was loose. They had to "clean" my bowels. And they told me, and I QOUTE "It's either 1: drink two cups of this cocktail that tastes like orange juice or 2: drink 3 litres of water". Obv i took the orange juice! It cant be that bad! WRONG! JESUS CHRIST I WAS WRONG.

As soon as i drank the bad tasting orange drink, i felt like throwing up. Then the pain came. Oh god the pain. It was like level 10 menstrual cramp kind of pain. I was literally crying and screaming bc it hurt so bad. Only thing that helped at the moment was to stay still but i couldnt do that bc i had to shit out the cocktail like every 5 minutes. Many times i thought to just shit my pants on the bed and not let that be my problem. I was in so much pain I was in panic mode. And the worst thing was, no one warned me. They didn't even mention that it might hurt with some people. I don't remember all bc panic lol but i remember this one bitch ass nurse going "Duh its gonna hurt it has big chemicals in it! Even gas can hurt inside bowels". I would have punched her if I wasnt shitting at the time. Then the nurses took their sweet time to get me painkillers and nausea meds. But I couldnt take those bc i felt like throwing up. And then I remember a doctor came. He was nice and explained to me that it hurts bc the orange juice made my bowels like spasm to clean it. I was like "lol thanks for warning me beforehand". Some time goes, they give me that yummy tranquilizer trough IV and I'm high asf. It still hurt but atleast i was high. Then came the cup number 2! I tried to drink it, immeadetly i threw it up like no way that stayed down. And again, panic bc idk what happens next. Do i need to do this all again? Is my bowel clean? Am i gonna be okay? And then i passed out and slept trough the night.

And at this point, on a serious point. WHY THE FUCK IS TELLING PATIENCE THAT THIS THING X IS GONNA HURT SO FUCKING TABOO??? Like i get it, you dont want to scare people but a little heads up would be better than nothing! I just wish someone had told me.

Okay, morning comes, its friday, camera about to go up my ass. they give me nice tranquilizer again, YUMMY. Im high again. they roll me to the operation room, and the nice nurses and a doctor explains whats gonna happen. ( I knew this was gonna hurt beforehand bc they gave me the tranquilizer and figures). At this point they tell me that going up my ass is the hardest part and hurts but after that its easier. Im like okay i can do this, im high and im a big boy! So there i was, laying on my side, doctor rips hole in my underwear to put the camera up my ass. And there it goes, felt weird. Then this stinging pain comes and i curse. Nice nurse lady notices and presses against my tummy and the pain gets easier. They tell me to take a deep breath everytime the pain eases. I do. I'm breathing so good baby you wouldnt believe ( still fucking high). And that thing happens over and over again for like, maybe 3-4 minutes but felt much longer. Sometimes the pain was larger but the nice nurse always pressed my tummy and i, kind of, farted the pain out? It's weird but you get it. Then i hear the words of heaven "We are there"! THE WORST IS BEHIND. I'm happy! I turn around, look at the screen where i can somehow see ( didnt have my glasses) the inside of my bowel part. And i said "ew" and turned my head back. I dont wanna see that. it was pink. Then the doctor spoke something doctorly that i didnt understand. They spend a minute inside my ass doing... doctor stuff and then they took the camera out. It didnt hurt just felt weird, like taking a weirdly shaped long shit. And then they were like "lol we done! We gonna take these samples to the lab asap!" And I was like "you took samples?". THEY TOOK PIECES OF THE INSIDE OF MY ASS WTF.

okay its done, im still high and after couple of hours, they let me go home. I'm happy. I'm feeling good. Life was good. Untill the next morning.

I felt bad again, I threw up at night and I had a mild fever. We call the ER to ask what we do. They tell me that i havent drank enough liquids. So for the next two days I drank so much water you wont believe but i still felt bad and had a fever. So off to ER again!

We went there, they were like lol again bloodwork. At this point im sure i have no blood left. Then we waited and waited and they take some more blood and wait again. Results come back. My inflammatory values were high again. They again want me to stay at the hospital overnight. Hospital booked full. I wait. And finally its time. They take me to a 2 person room, as a 3rd guy. Like it was so cramped and I didnt even have the emergency button. Everything is overwhelming. It smelled like shit. I cried. it was a horrible experience and i can go all night about how shit it was but ill skip it at this point.

So i spend like two nights at the hospital, and they finally have the results in about the pieces of my ass they took. they dont know what it is. THEY HAVE NO CLUE. But atleast they got me meds that work and i dont have a fever anymore. But its like 5 different meds. They make me nauseous and tired. So its not going that well now but atleast im in a good shape to be at home rn.

Im still waiting for more results and follow-up things at the hospital. I'll update as I get to those. Thanks for reading, feel free to ask any questions and stay healthy lmao.

[tinysupervicki]

It’s hard to stay away, huh? I did turn off my notifications on twitter but I still peeked. Why are y’all so amazing to me? What did I do to deserve this love? This community?

Since y’all have been there for me ever since my mom passed three years ago, I’d do anything for y’all. I felt I did let y’all down because I’m a content creator and haven’t done anything in so long. It sucks because I’m yearning to do so but lack the time due to now being an adult, working a grueling adult job and living with family.

I believe I will be able to get a place of my own later in the year, I’m really hoping for that. As for my full time job, I’m actively looking for another one. The one I’m at, I feel I work so hard but I’m not appreciated enough. It’s a healthcare industry and I work hard to help people with their needs while management focuses on metrics and numbers. I wanna get out of there.

I haven’t had time to myself and just be selfish for once? So I’m glad I was able to take time off to have a pretty long weekend to enjoy Sizecon 2020 and spend time with friends.

Let’s get started on the recap, shall we? Bare with me, I talk a lot (and not well might I add).

Day 1: Thursday 2/13/20

I woke up at 4 am to catch my flight that leaves at 6:45 am. I thankfully had all my bags packed, I just needed to shower and be ready. My dad took me to the airport and wished me off. At this point, I had plenty of time, even seeing the long TSA line at the Houston airport. I had internally groaned a lot but managed through. After having some minutes to spare, I grabbed a quick bite to eat at one of the dining places, a lovely breakfast bowl that I can have (those of you who don’t know me, I have celiac disease and I have to eat gluten free). Jumped on my flight and comfortably slept in my seat on the plane. The plan was to have a connecting flight to Charlotte, NC and then to Newark, NJ.

Two hours later, I woke up to not at my destination but at Colombia, SC. Apparently, while I was asleep, they had to divert us to the next airport because the weather was really bad in NC. We had two options: stay on the plane and wait it out until we’re back in the air to NC, or get off the plane and figure out another alternative. I stayed, I had plenty of time until my connecting flight was scheduled (which I actually got alerts that it ending up delaying a lot) so I stayed in my seat and watched greys anatomy. About almost an hour passed and we’re finally back up in the air, with more space to breathe since there were people that did leave the plane. Landed safely in NC and I ventured off to find snacks and wait at my gate. It kept delaying but I finally was able to get on my flight to NJ, making my total time at the airport and in the air...all day, I can’t do math lol. I safely landed in NJ at 5:30 pm, I had been awake since 4 am. It was a day.

Yo, I’m gonna get him and his wife a gift, I swear to god, but DJ (aka Giantgripper) saved me by picking me up from the airport and letting me stay the night at his place. When he’s the host, he does one heck of a job as a host. Since I hadn’t eaten a proper meal since 5 in the morning or so, DJ took me to a Mediterranean little mom and pop restaurant that I fell in love with. Had a stuffed pepper and practically cleaned everything off my plate. After we ate, I accompanied DJ while he did some errands for extra things he needed for the con (which did include articles of clothing for the giant cafe lol). I was happy to help as much as I could. After that, we made it back to his place. Once his wife Adri (chibiana) came home from work, we watched a documentary while trying (and failing with me because I’m a turd) to make different mixed drinks to taste. I ended up going with hot chocolate, I’m a simpleton when it comes to alcohol. A little bit afterwards, I had to pass out, it was a long ass day.

Day 2: Friday 2/14/20

Valentine’s was just another day for me. Woke up, got dressed, and DJ surprised me with a fresh homemade breakfast. It was magnificent, I scrapped the plate then too. Plans for the day was to get allllllll the stuff we need and travel to the hotel, which apparently was an hour and a half away from DJ’s house I believe. Adri had to go do another thing for work and was gonna meet up later. DJ and I traveled to the hotel first. I passed out again in the car, I was so exhausted from before I guess it had hit me again.

We made it to the hotel and unpacked the car with my stuff, his and Adri’s bags, and things for the con. I got to say quick hellos to people I knew that were already there (gave a big ass hug to Miss Kaneda, she’s so precious and a big hug to IamFilledwithStatic). I was going to be sharing a room with shortmarcy, Morgana (Moe), and Guiri. So since I had arrived first, I will check in first; Morgana and Guiri were still flying from Spain and shortmarcy didn’t come until the next morning. Since it was under shortmarcy’s name and the deposit was paid under her, She had to call to have the hotel let me check in for her. In turn, I had to put my card on file. I thought I was being a responsible adult and I thought it was gonna charge like half of the charge or something but...they charged the full price of the hotel. Which was $503...which was basically everything in my bank account. I didn’t know that was gonna happen, I panicked and just sat on the couch outside of the con area while Robyn (goddess-rei) comforted me. I had to come to terms that shit happens and I had no money for the weekend. But I graciously had the best of friends this weekend, I’ll get to that in a sec.

After my bumming out, I changed to put on my blouse for the valentines banquet (one of my guaranteed dinners that night lol). I met up with Morgana and Guiri and also sillylilbug (she’s so adorably sweet). We had our own table along with my friend Joe (CaptainRandGTS, who is a phenomenal photographer btw). We ate some good food and they took account of my gluten free (however I think the chimichurri steak may have upset my stomach). I said goodnight and went to my room to basically turn the bathroom up XD I had changed into my pajamas to head downstairs to get water and pain medicine when I turned the corner and saw a group of people walking down the hall. Guys, I’m still getting used to this, but the group was like, “Is that Vicki?!” “That is her!” And I was like WHAT. It was my lovely friends sviolet, mansquishers, mister finch, Joseph moestar, and Strongshadow2018. I was so surprised and honored, I was gushing. I got to hang out with them in their hotel room for a bit, played cards against humanity (I WON!) and ate ridiculously delicious gluten free cookies misterfinch made.

Day 3: Saturday 2/15/20

Con day. This day was a bit of a blur honestly (my mind is not the same people) but I know I took this day to “try” and relax. I was still bummed about my money problem but I had enough to buy the breakfast buffet meal ticket. My idea was to chow down a lot of food (since it was a buffet) so I won’t ask for food but that did not happen because I have wonderful friends?? Towards noon, I went to ihop with my crew (we called each other the sizecon crew lol) with sviolet, mansquishers, mister finch, Joseph moestar, and strongshadow2018. We had a nice time and I was so grateful for the lunch! Once we headed back to the hotel, we split up to do more con shenanigans. I met so many people, it was amazing. People I already knew and new people as well. It was awesome to match names to faces, it was so cool. I’m telling you though, my mind is not the same so I can’t list out the whole list of everyone I’ve seen. Then I got to see my good friend Steve (Miles Striker). I’m so fucking proud of this dude. He showed me a film he wrote, recorded, and edited all by himself, it was mindblowing. We had to go back downstairs after that because I forgot I had a social to lead and he had panels to go to. I stopped by the giant cafe, that was fucking wild. I ran the Fluffy Feels Social and I did my best because I’ve never ran something like that. But I’m glad we all liked the same thing and we just kept talking! It was getting late to when the Playroom was gonna start, so I headed back upstairs. Chilled a bit more with my crew and then headed back downstairs. I don’t know what got over me, but I gathered enough courage and joined the nude swimming party. I cannot believe I did that, that was a big step for me. Kinda sucked getting out though because I didn’t have extra clothes and it was fucking cold.

Day 4: Sunday 2/16/20

Technically last day of the con but it was the busiest. I spent all morning practicing my skit for the Tiny Cafe. I was nervous and pacing around in my hotel room, making sure I get it right. Around 12:30, I headed down to meet up with the rest of the cafe to get ready when we start at 1 pm. I could not describe how nervous I was. I wanted to make sure I didn’t mess up and I know I was lip syncing (graciously provided by Anoka’s vocals) I was still nervous as fuck. This was a performance and I’m now more confident talking to others about my kink/aesthetics but performing? Oh lawd. We had a big crowd apparently, I was surprised. We had to get more chairs and apparently turn people away? THAT MADE MY NERVES SKYROCKET. The cafe starts with a wonderful performance by Adri (Chibiana) then followed by cute transitions from our servers mini-moo and shortmarcy. Then it’s time for our skit: Veronica (Jitensha), me, and Aim were shrunk and sung songs about our giants. I was first (omg) and mine was in the style of “Maria” from west side story (Veronica called it Shrunken side story). I was shaking like a leaf and tried my best to get through the whole song while doing silly quirks of mine. Once that was done, I rushed back from my spot XD it was Veronica’s turn to sing about a giant dick lol and Aim serenading a giant lady. After our skit, it was the grand finale of Morgana performing a dance in a giant hamster ball. It was incredible. Despite my anxiety, I’m glad I did this and we did so amazing (we made tips!!!!).

Right after that was done, I had to rush to lead a social of Giant men and Tiny women. It was a small turnout but we still got people and we talked a lot. When that was done, I rushed to be on my first panel of the day: Owning what you love. After that was the Macrophile panel and then after that was the Diversity panel. I was on all of them and they were back to back, I was a busy lady lol. After that panel, I was free! Since I made tips from the cafe and I was broke from the hotel, I got to buy a few things in the vendor hall. Was able to say hi to some people I knew like scridam, the reducer, miss kaneda, iamfilledwithstatic, robclassact, and aborigen. It was also mister finch’s birthday so since I was free for the night, I went with the crew to go celebrate at a restaurant. That was such a nice time, I swear everything I did this weekend I wanted to experience again. When we came back to the hotel after dinner (after a quick stop to the liquor store lol), I was able to make it in time for the closing ceremony. Hearing everyone’s words touched my heart and reminded me why I love this community. So I was able to give a speech to say that; this is my second home when I lost my only home when my mom passed. God, that room was filled with so much love. I went back upstairs and hung out more with the crew and watched Promare (pretty sick movie). I was gonna head to bed but I hung out more with Steve and we watched a movie before passing out.

Day 5: Monday 2/17/20

It was time to say all of my goodbyes to everyone that had to leave. I gave so many hugs and love, I just miss them all. Most of the crew had to head out, except for sviolet, she had her flight in the afternoon. So we went out to breakfast at a Mexican restaurant, reminiscing this whole weekend. We came back to the hotel to chill in my hotel room. Morgana and Guiri were leaving to the airport back to Spain and shortmarcy wanted to venture to NYC before she went home the next day. So sviolet and I chilled in my room before she had to head out.

Then for the rest of the evening, I had the room to myself. I watched law and order svu whole packing and double checked I had everything. I waited up for shortmarcy to come back (I was so worried) but she made it back after 10 pm safe and sound. At that point, I had to go to bed because my flight in the morning was at 5:45 am.

Day 6: Tuesday 2/18/20

I woke up at 3 am to get to the airport on time and my Lyft driver I got...I had a feeling he was having a bit of fun by himself before he picked me up. Because it stunk in the car of cum. Whatever, I held in my breath and made it to the airport safely. My flights were on time and I slept on each one. I did not want to go back home.

Back to reality and I hate the after con blues! Especially with how much this con and community means to me.

Hoping there’s a next year and I’m ready to help as usual.

Y’all have a goodnight ❤️

[tell-me-when-ur-ready]

This Thing Called Love (part four)

Summary: When Shawn meets dancer Kellie in Toronto, he falls for her—hard. But Kellie has an invisible disability and thinks it’s impossible that someone could really love her the way she is.

Author’s note: I have multiple chronic illnesses that are similar to Kellie’s, but I don’t have the same exact health conditions she does. I’ve done lots of research, but I apologize if I get anything wrong!

Warnings: everything comes out and shawn reacts with a disgusting amount of kindness and understanding lol

Word count: 1,800

Kellie had listened to the song. She’d reviewed the general notes sent by the choreographer, who’d said they would hash out the details of the dance during a day or two of rehearsals before they got on set. She had taken off work. She’d booked a plane ticket (and been reimbursed by Shawn’s team—that was nice) and flown to Toronto and successfully seen herself to her hotel. Everything had gone smoothly. So smoothly, in fact, that she should have known it was all about to come crashing down.

Before Kellie even opened her eyes on the first day of rehearsals for Shawn’s new music video, she knew it was bad. Her joints were a little achy; her stomach was cramping, not badly but enough to bother her (she wasn’t totally sure her takeout last night had been completely free of contamination); and there was a dull, throbbing ache in her temples that did hurt. Badly. Without opening her eyes all the way, she reached out through the darkness and fumbled around on her nightstand until her fingers closed around the current medication she was taking for migraines; it had been getting less and less effective over the last couple of weeks. Sitting up slightly, Kellie put the pill at the back of her throat and swallowed it dry, a useful skill she’d finally acquired after three years of medication after medication.

Squinting, Kellie slowly sat up and tried to assess the damage. She stood up slowly; pressing a hand to either side of her head, she walked unsteadily across the room and promptly stumbled into the dresser.

Really, she’d known before she even opened her eyes. But now she knew for sure. There was no way she could get in the dance studio with Shawn.

She allowed herself one moment of self-pity: one moment to close her eyes, silently curse how unfair life was, and feel an overwhelming sense of despair for everything she’d lost after becoming sick and everything she was still to lose. But then she opened her eyes, carefully walked back through the dark room, and picked up her phone, grabbing her little bottle of lavender essential oil on the way back.

 Her phone screen was too bright even with the darkness all the way down, but, squinting, she managed to type out a message to Shawn—his was the only number she had saved in her phone, and she definitely didn’t feel like digging through her inbox to find someone else’s number, even if they were the ones she needed to tell and not him.

 I’m so sorry. I woke up sick. I don’t think I can dance today

 His answer was almost immediate.

 That’s awful, are you ok?

 Was she okay? Kellie chose not to answer that part, instead writing,

 Think I ate something bad last night.

 It wasn’t a lie, she reasoned with herself. It had been bad for her body even if it wouldn’t affect anyone else’s.

 Oh man. What hotel are you staying at?

 She typed the name and sent it—and then instantly regretted it, cursing her brain-fogged state. The last thing she wanted was for him to go out of his way and do something dumb like—

 I’m gonna swing by. What’s your room number? Need anything to eat?

 Kellie let out an involuntary groan and didn’t answer for a moment, staring at the screen while the pounding in her head continued. She didn’t want him to come. She couldn’t lie to his face—but if he came, she was going to have to tell him. And she didn’t want to tell him; she desperately didn’t want him to know.

 But another level, she almost did. If he was going to react badly and run, like so many people (friends, boys, and potential employers alike) had over the years, she wanted to know sooner rather than later.

 So Kellie simply typed No, thanks, added her room number, and closed her phone. She didn’t realize she’d fallen asleep, but she must have, because it seemed like only a second later that there was a light knock on her hotel room door.

 Kellie got up slowly and padded to the door. When the light from the hallway flooded in, she had to cover her eyes for a minute; finally, she adjusted and lowered her hand. Shawn was standing in front of her.

 “Hey. Are you okay?” he said, gazing at her with a concerned line between his eyebrows.

 “Yeah…” She blinked slowly at him, still half-asleep. If she wasn’t in so much pain, she’d be embarrassed about her messy hair and Stark Industries T-shirt and flannel pajama bottoms.

 “You think you ate something bad?” Shawn asked, and Kellie let out a little sigh, because here it was.

 “Yeah. I had a salad and I think it had croutons in it and I didn’t notice, or maybe it was the wrong kind of dressing, or it was cross-contaminated in the kitchen…” Kellie trailed off. She constantly analyzed her symptoms of the moment in her head, but she typically tried not to do it aloud, because no one else really cared.

 Shawn cocked his head. “Croutons?”

 He looked like he wasn’t quite following. She couldn’t blame him.

 Kellie took a deep breath.

 “I’m physically disabled,” she said. Even after the diagnoses, after accepting it, after living with it every day for three years, it was still hard to say the words—because it hadn’t always been like this.

 Shawn’s eyes stayed trained on hers. She was grateful for that; most people would look her up and down, as if searching for physical signs. But there weren’t any. Her disability was invisible.

 “Okay,” he said slowly. “Can I ask… how?”

 If he didn’t run now, he’d run later, when he fully understood everything her health issues implied.

 “I have Celiac disease, and chronic migraines, and a bunch of complications from both of those things,” Kellie said. Even now, after the medicines and the lavender oil and the dark room, the pain was pushing at the back of her head, making it difficult to think clearly. “I don’t know if you know anything about either of those—most people don’t—but, well, this is my life.” She laughed shortly. “I cancel on people at the last minute, I can’t go to work many days, I spend a lot of time in bed. I push through this stuff every day of my life. But some days, I just can’t.”

 “Wow. That’s—that’s rough,” he said softly, leaning one shoulder against the doorway.

 “I feel so bad. I know I’m letting you down and letting everyone down and I just, I’m so sorry, but my head hurts so much right now I can hardly speak and—”

 Shawn was shaking his head. “No, no. It’s okay. I get it. I mean, I don’t get it, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I just—I mean, wow. I’m sorry; shit, that’s a lot. Why didn’t you tell me? When we went to lunch?”

 Kellie shrugged, glancing down at the floor. At her mismatched Harry Potter socks and his pointy-toed shoes. “I just—it’s so hard to talk about. I mean, I want to talk about it; I want people to understand. But they never do no matter how much I talk. So I just… don’t try.”

 He nodded, his gaze softening.

 “But I’m sorry,” she said again, steadying herself on the doorframe as a wave of dizziness hit. She struggled to keep talking: “I really should have told you, when you asked me about the music video. That wasn’t fair. I guess I just—I thought you’d decide you didn’t want me then, and I really need this, and—”

 “No,” Shawn breathed. He was looking her straight in the eye. “I do want you.”

 And despite the fact that Kellie had just woken up and she was practically high on painkillers and this was only, what, the third time she’d ever spoken to Shawn Mendes in person—she thought he meant it. Maybe even, she realized with a sudden flash of intuition at the look in his eyes, on a deeper level than just the music video.

 “So,” he said, clearing his throat, and the moment was broken. “Do you need anything? I could go get you food, or… I don’t know, what do you need?”

 A warm feeling spread through Kellie’s chest. “Thanks. That’s really nice. Um, I have my medicine, and Gatorade, and—I’m not really hungry. My migraine is only half the problem today; my stomach really hurts too, because apparently I accidentally ate gluten last night, so I don’t know if I can eat.”

 “Okay,” he said softly. “Well, text me later. If you think of anything you need.”

 Kellie nodded. “Lately, my migraines have only been lasting for a day or two at a time,” she said, tentative (because who was she to rearrange a shoot for Shawn Mendes because she had a headache?). “So maybe tomorrow, if it’s not too late—I know I’m throwing off the whole schedule, but if you haven’t already filmed everything you would need me for—”

 Shawn gave her a little crooked grin. “How could we film it if you’re not there?” he said, and Kellie felt herself flush with pleasure.

 “I figured—I was replaceable,” she mumbled. Shawn shook his head, still smiling.

 “I saw you dance. We’ll wait for you,” he said. Kellie smiled back at him for just a second before glancing down at the floor, a flash of warmth going through her.

 There was a brief downbeat of silence and then he straightened up, pushing himself off of the doorframe.

 “I should go. Let you rest. But text me, and then maybe tomorrow we can move forward with the rehearsals and the shoot, okay?”

 She nodded, mute. But as he raised his hand goodbye and started to walk down the hall, she found her voice.

 “Shawn? Thanks,” she called, and he looked at her over his shoulder. “For understanding.”

 He smiled and then he was gone, disappearing into the elevator. Kellie went back into her room and shut the door.

 ***

 It was a long, dark day for Kellie; when she got back into bed after Shawn left, she didn’t get up again until almost 4 pm. Occasionally she’d pick up her phone, turn the brightness all the way down, and scroll through social media, and a few times she put the recording Shawn had sent her on repeat and listened to the song they’d (hopefully) be dancing to. But mostly she just laid in the dark—sometimes sleeping, sometimes not, always analyzing the voice and facial expression and tone with which Shawn had said “I do want you.”

 Later that evening, around dinnertime, Shawn texted her.

 Hey. How are you?

 I’m better. Took a bunch of pills and the migraine is slowly going away. I can deal with all the stomach stuff

 You sure? I don’t want you to dance unless you’re really good

 Well I won’t know until the morning but I’m going to try my best

 Okay. Do you need anything?

 No, but thanks :)

 Ok. Talk to you in the morning.

And Kellie went back to sleep.

Taglist: @rosiemercy @learning-howto-be-myselfx3 @evibesss

[niall-talk]

This Christmas (6)

I woke the next morning to find Niall in the kitchen with his mum. They talked and laughed just genuinely enjoyed being together. I don't remember the last time I have ever seen him this happy. I heard a ding from inside the kitchen and it scared me. I made a noise as I jumped and drew their attention.

“Hey sleepy head,” he laughed at me.

“You are one ta talk. You've been up only twenty minutes,” Maura chided him for me. “Come on in dear,” she motioned for me to join them.

I sat at the kitchen table with them and was treated to a hot chocolate and a caramel apple and cinnamon scone. “Oh my,” I all but moaned when I took a bite. “This is the best thing I have ever had. Ms. Gallagher I need the recipe for this.”

“Thank you dear, and It's Maura or ma or mum. Ms. Gallagher is my mother-in-law.” She winked at me with that same mischievous glint Niall has.

“Yes ma'am,” I said feeling a little embarrassed. I sipped on the hot chocolate and noticed the smirk on his face. I stuck my tongue out at him while Maura had her back to us.

He made a face at me just in time for her to turn and see it. “Niall James that is not how you act at the kitchen table.” Yup loved this lady already.

“But she started it,” he huffed like a five year old as he pointed at me.

She looked at me the back to him. “Well I didn't see her do it, but I did you.” She winked at me again.

“Are you kidding me right now? It's like growin’ up with Greg all over again.” He threw his hands up.

Maura reached over and pinched his ear. “You might be twenty-five years old and a famous pop star, but you are still my son.” She let go and he grabbed his ear.

I couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up inside. He glared at me, “Not funny. That hurts.” He whined as he rubbed his ear.

“Sammy we were getting ready to bake some bread. You want to help us?” She asked as she finished her drink.

“Sure ok. I just need to go get cleaned up and changed.” I was still in my pajamas. I finished my drink and scone. “This is so good,” I repeated again.

“Thank you,” Niall took the praise for the yummy treat. I just gave him a skeptical look. “No really. Ma who made the scones?” He had a smug look on his face.

“He made them. I woke up this morning and he was in here baking these for me. He knows they are my favorite.” She doated on her son. “Glad to know all those times in the kitchen paid off.”

I was impressed to say the least. I made it to my room and changed into a pair of jeans and a plain t-shirt. I washed up and put my hair back in a ponytail.

“Who are you and what did you do with my Sam?” Niall joked.

I rolled my eyes at him. If it wasn't for the fact that we were in his mother's house I would have flipped him the bird. “Ha ha very funny Horan.”

We moved to the island worktop and she gave me instructions on what to do. When I gave her the deer in the headlights look she laughed. “Sorry dear. I forget that you didn't grow up here.” She went to a cabinet and pulled out an old recipe book. When she found the right page she set it up for me.

I read the instructions at least three times before I started. Niall just dove in no book or anything. I asked him how he knew all this. “We had to bake our own stuff when we found out ma had celiac. Didn't have all the gluten free stuff back then. So I helped her when she would make bread, cakes, biscuits and stuff.”

“Aww that's sweet Niall.” I never knew he knew how to bake. That took me back to when I was little and helped my mom in the kitchen. Lord knows I probably made more of a mess and made everything harder.

He finished his soda bread dough before I finished mine so he helped me along. After we finished Maura asked what we wanted for dinner. I asked what happened to lunch.

Niall laughed, “What time do you think it is Sam?” I just looked at him confused. “Its half four.”

“Oh why didn't you wake me when you got up?” I felt bad for sleeping over half the day away.

Maura rubbed my shoulder, “Because you two were up till way up in the morning. Don't feel bad Niall was only up twenty minutes or so before you.” I asked about the scones.

“Couldn't sleep so I made them after you went to bed.” He answered as he took my dough and put it in the bread maker.

“Oh, well I still feel bad for sleeping all day.” I shook my head is disbelief. She asked me what I wanted to eat since I was the guest. I didn't have a clue and I didn't want to look like an idiot.

We ended up with carryout that Niall's stepfather brought in. Charcoal Grill Mullingar had a wonderful mixed grill shish skewers. Not sure what all meat was in it, but I was pretty sure I could have eaten mine and Niall's weight in those.

We had moved to the back lounge area where I had found Niall last night with the guitar. We sat and talked about Niall growing up and how mischievous he was. “I can believe it. He hasn't changed much.” I joked and received an elbow to the ribs. “Hey,” I elbowed him back.

“Ok children,” Maura called us down and laughed as she did. “So Sammy if it is none of my business just tell me, but why don't you go home for the holidays?”

“Ma,” Niall spoke up ready to change the subject. I just put my hand on his arm and told him it was fine.

“My parents passed away a couple years apart. We tried to carry on traditions after mom passed away but it was hard and we drifted apart. Then dad passed away a few years back. My siblings and I got into it over my father's estate. I took my part and moved away from it. I haven't heard from them since. They were mad because dad left more to me than he did them.”

Niall just looked at me wide eyed. Maura reached over and squeezed my hand. “You have a home here to come whenever you want.” Her husband Chris agreed.

Niall's POV

Had she ever told me that? Pretty sure she hadn't; I would remember something like that. Leave it to ma to get something like that out of someone.

I sat back and listened to Sam carry on with my ma and Chris like she had known them for years not hours. It was good to see her let down her guard and start to enjoy herself. Knew she would love it here.

“Niall,” Ma called me out of my thoughts. “Did you hear me?” I shook my head. “Greg is bringing Theo and Denise by tomorrow. Are you two going to be around?”

“I had told Da that we would come around his tomorrow. When they gonna be here?” I wanted to see my nephew, but didn't want to back out on my da. When she said they would be there for dinner I felt better. “Might be cutting it close. Told da that we would be over to watch the match.”

“Really? That's what we're doing? You know I don't get soccer.” Sam sounded a little upset. I could see it in her eyes she was not excited for it.

“Football, and you like it. Seen and heard ya yell at the telly before.” I mocked her.

“Yeah well get a couple drinks in me and make me watch something like that; I'm gonna fuss about how stupid it is.” She frowned at me.

“We don't have to watch the entire match.” I was willing to give a little. Plus I knew ma wanted us back for dinner. Just have to make it up to da later.

[johntropea]

The memory-B cell

SOURCE Gluten Sensitivity, Celiacs & Bulletproofing Your Gut

If you have an immune reaction to gluten, the mechanism by which the immune reaction works is just like a vaccine. You get a shot of a vaccination for measles, they give you the bug measles. Your brain says, “What’s this? This is not good for me.” And in your immune system, you have generals—army, air force, marine corp generals—sitting around with nothing to do. And the brain says, “You general, you now are General Measles. Take care of this.”

General Measles builds an assembly line. The assembly line starts producing soldiers called antibodies. The antibodies are trained as assassins to go after just measles. They go all through the blood stream firing these chemical bullets called cytochians looking for measles. General measles is watching this. All the measles bug from the vaccination is gone. General measles turns off the assembly line. You don’t need these soldiers right now. You shouldn’t have measles antibodies in your blood stream unless you are exposed. You shouldn’t have them. But General Measles is vigilant the rest of his life. If you’re ever exposed to measles again, General Measles just has to flip the switch and within a couple of days, all the antibodies are back. As opposed to having to build the assembly line that takes months to do.

That’s why if you go to Africa to visit, you need shots months ahead of time for dengue fever and yellow fever and all of that. But if you go back 10 years later, you just need a booster shot 2 weeks before you go. You just have to wake it up again.

That general in the immune system is called a memory-B cell. Never goes away. If you have an immune reaction to gluten, you have memory-B cells to gluten. They never go away. So you can’t have a little gluten. You can’t be a little pregnant because your immune system turns on and then for months, 3-6 months, one minute exposure, a couple of chromes, one minute exposure and you’ve got antibodies for 3-6 months that are attacking your brain or your joints or your liver, wherever your genetic weak link is as to where gluten is going to mess you up.

[...]

DAVE:  That’s an incredibly picturesque view of it. There’s another one. So many people, even some clients or bulletproof followers, they’ll say “oh yeah I’m gluten free, at least 90% of the time”.

If you keep stimulating that part of your body, not only are you gonna get the negative immune inflammatory effects, you’re gonna get the cravings right?

TOM:  The problem with gluten is that no human can digest it. It’s impossible to digest the gluten proteins that are in wheat, barley and rye. Alessio Fasano, Dr. Fasano from Harvard Mass General Hospital, he’s the director of pediatric gastroenterology. He is very clear about this in his presentations. No human can digest this.The way he says this is if you take the hydrochloric acid in the human stomach and you put it in a little vial. You put your finger in the vial. It eats your finger to the bone in one minute. One minute! You put some gluten in that vial, it won’t digest the gluten. 

[...]

DAVE:  No human protein digestive enzyme made by the pancreas or the liver is capable of breaking down gluten. You’re saying this is a definitive fact. Dr. Tom O Bryan who spent 30 years doing this. Everyone listening to this?

TOM:  That’s exactly right. The closest enzyme is called DPP4 and it can break down partially but no enzyme produced in the human digestive tract can break this down. It’s just the science! Just read the papers!

...so, how does the addictive side of gluten work versus the destructive inflammatory side of it work?

...gluteomorphins. It’s a peptide of gluten of partially digested gluten. Gluteomorphines are called gluteomorphins because they bind to the opiate receptor sites in the brain like morphine.If you have these gluteomorphins traveling in your bloodstream, these clumps of brick that’s called gluteomorphins and they bind to the opiate receptors in the brain, what happens there? It stimulates the opiate receptor producing endorphins. The feel good hormones in life. It’s great! You feel good! It’s not a problem. 

But you have toast for breakfast. You stimulate those opiate receptors. You have a sandwich for lunch, you stimulate those receptors. Pasta for dinner every day, every day, every day, every day! And what happens is you down regulate the receptor which means it stops working.

That is exactly the mechanism in the development of the epidemic of type 2 diabetes because from birth we’re eating so much sugar we down regulate the insulin receptor so insulin doesn’t work anymore or it works less efficiently than it should. 

The same thing happens with the gluteomorphin peptides from harshly digested gluten when they hit on the opiate receptors you downgrade the opiate receptors in the brain. That’s why it’s associated with attention deficit and autism and depression and anxiety. Because people don’t have the juice of life. They can’t get the endorphins working or being received to feel good about life. And so they crave that food. 

What’s your take on the gluten-like compounds and other grains? 

TOM:  So for all of your listeners, there’s gluten in rice. There’s gluten in corn. There’s gluten in a number of grains. It’s not gluten. It’s the bad family of glutens that are bad for you. Now theres other reasons why some of those grains would not be great.

For example, rice flower has a higher glycemic index than wheat flour. So if you’re eating pastries made with rice flour, it alters your blood sugar more aggressively than eating pastries made from wheat flour. Now this is not talking about the immune response, just blood sugar regulation. So the idea of eating other grains or other grain based packaged goods and products, I personally think we’re meant to have a little grain once in a while, especially if you’re a high performance athlete or you’re just high performance. You need a little grain every once in a while. You just want the grains that aren’t offending you and thus activating your immune system to fight it, and you want the grains in dosages that your body can metabolize well.

So the main emphasis of your diet is quality meats and quality vegetables, maybe a little bit of fruit once in a while and a little bit of quality grain.

DAVE:  And what are the most quality least immune offensive grains?

TOM:  Brown rice, quinoa, and amaranth in my experience are—and this is clinically, I haven’t seen any studies that show level of immune sensitivity between those grains.

...and oats, the jury is mixed. For example. when oats grow out of the ground, there’s no gluten in them. You buy oats off the shelf, there’s gluten in them and it’s cross contamination...So I recommend to our patients, if you want oats or a little oatmeal once in a while, make sure it’s gluten free oats.

DAVE: But it’s interesting that the three that you talk about the most there are brown rice, not white rice, and I’m assuming whole grain quinoa and whole grain—what was the other one—amaranth?

TOM:  Amaranth.

DAVE:  So, what about all the fiber in the husk and the anti-nutrients in the husk that’s irritating to those same villi that have been beaten down by gluten all the time? Like, why wouldn’t you take off the irritating parts of these grains before consuming them?

TOM:  That’s a really good question, Dave. And there’s an entire family of discussion about lectins and the offensive nature of lectins and grains, absolutely accurate and valid discussion. So in our practice, we use the biomarker. I always go for biomarkers to see how’s this body functioning. So we use the biomarker, looking at the indicators for intestinal permeability. And within 3-6 months, that should be cleaned up. And if it’s not cleaned up then we get more strict and say, “Ok Mrs. Patient, we’re gonna do a grain free diet for a while and see if you’re having elected sensitivity that’s impacting on this.” So I’ll do it in stages. I try and make it as manageable for the person to begin with, and if we don’t get the results, I’m certain they’re feeling better, that’s obvious. But we want the biomarkers to be back down to normal and there’s no inflammation in the gut at all because that is the most dangerous phase of gluten sensitivity is when you don’t have positive blood work, you don’t have any celiac disease with billus atrophy, the shags wearing down and all you have is inflammation in your gut. That is the most dangerous phase with double the mortality of celiac disease if you just have the inflammation.

TOM:  Well, it depends on the patient. With most patients, we try to make it as manageable for them as they can as long as they don’t have inflammatory bowel disease, collitis or Chrons, we will allow them to do the non toxic gluten grains and if they feel good there’s no symptoms, they’re improving, everything’s going well, in 6 months they feel great, “doc I’m back to normal” I said great, lets check the biomarkers now, let’s see. If there’s still inflammation, still indicators of intestinal permeability, then I’ll pull all grains. And that’s just a clinical decision on my part. There are some doctors who will pull all grains right away and that’s an excellent approach that I have no argument with whatsoever. My concern is full compliance.DAVE:  Yeah. I see your point exactly now. So a lot of people just aren’t gonna do it. I recommend pulling all grains except for white rice as the least offensive one, even less offensive than brown and recommend sweet potatoes over that. But my assumption is that people who are after the state of high performance, kind of people who are listening to this, they wanna know how to do it perfectly and maybe if they’re gonna degrade from perfect.Alright fine, eat the quinoa or whatever else. But in your case you’re going after people who aren’t necessarily Bulletproof. And if it’s grandma, well grandma’s gonna have to have some kind of toast, yeah of course amaranth toast is better than wheat toast. I see your point exactly.

Yeast

DAVE: Do you think the studies that we’ve done are adequately separating toast which is yeast plus grain, from just grain?

TOM:  No. No. The studies are not adequate. There are studies on this and this is really the big picture perhaps another session here can dive into. Is the problem with gluten is not that it gives you sore tummies. The problem with gluten sensitivity is that it gives you vulnerability and acceleration in the development of autoimmune diseases.

...how long does it take when you go gluten free

...the rule of thumb for me has always been in my office it’s always been 3 weeks. If you aren’t noticeably better where you know you’re on the right track within 3 weeks, something’s wrong here. And most people notice within 3 or 4 days of being gluten free.

[consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis]

30+ Simple to Surprising Suggestions That Won't Cure Celiac Disease

New blog post! One of the very first things my doctor told me after my celiac disease was this: "Right now, there is no celiac disease cure...you can only manage your symptoms by sticking to a strict gluten free diet." And yet, over six years after that moment, I still regularly bump into people who say that they "used" to have celiac disease.

Yeah. The phrase "used to" boggles my mind just as much as it does yours! But thinking about these "past" celiacs (as well as this awesome post from Carb Counting Mama about mythical "cures" for Type 1 Diabetes) got me curious. I found myself asking: what are some of the most common "cures" that are suggested to people with celiac disease like me? And, even better, what are some of the weirdest? So I scoured gluten free Facebook support groups, Reddit and Quora threads, and polled my own Insta followers...and here's what I came up with! Keep in mind...as I wrote above, there is presently NO celiac disease cure (though there are some cures being tested in various research studies). All the celiac disease "cures" are listed below solely for entertainment purposes, as well as in hopes that they will serve as a reminder to take other people's advice - especially about your health! - with a grain of salt.

Let's begin with three of the MOST common incorrect celiac disease "cures":

1. You need to go gluten free to heal the intestinal damage initially caused by celiac disease...but once your antibodies test at a "normal" level, you're cured and can eat whatever you want! Cue the booing audience soundtrack, because this is definitely very false! Yes, you will test negative for celiac disease and not show any intestinal damage after going gluten free, but that's only because you're not eating gluten. As soon as you start, all that damage will come back...and "once again", you will have celiac!

2. Now, let's discuss "cure" number two: keeping or adding a little gluten back into your diet so that your body can slowly become more tolerant of it. This is a practice called oral immunotherapy, and it's becoming a more common treatment for people with food allergies. You can also read here about how injectable immunotherapy may be helpful for people with celiac disease in the (likely far) future. However, it is important to keep in mind that celiac disease is NOT the same thing as a food allergy, and exposing someone with celiac disease to low doses of gluten will not "improve their tolerance" of it. 3. And finally, the infamous, "Oh, I bet you'll grow out of it!" Beep. Wrong answer! When you're diagnosed with celiac disease, you have it for life. But maybe the friends or coworkers talking about how their aunt or cousin magically "healed" their celiac disease credits a different technique.

You know...something a little more alternative-medicine-like.

Here are just a couple of real-life suggestions people have gotten on how to cure their celiac disease:

"Heal your gut." Yes, working on creating a happy gut by eating probiotic-rich foods, avoiding foods that mess with your body, etc. may help you feel better in the long run...but it won't let you just magically go back to eating Papa John's pizza.

Use a detoxing diet protocol or product line...and I'm not gonna name any names, but if you've ever been in a Facebook group related to eating gluten free, you've probably seen at least a few posts talking about the latest miracle pill or juice line.

Do a parasite cleanse.

Clear up the yeast infection that caused celiac disease in the first place. Now, there are studies linking yeast infections or fungal infections and celiac disease, and some even suggest yeast overgrowth could be the trigger to celiac disease or the reason why some people with celiac disease don't feel 100% even after going gluten free. But the only site I found saying clearing up a yeast infection "fixed" someone with celiac was selling a yeast cleanse product...and repeatedly used "celiac" and "gluten intolerance" to mean the same thing. Sooo...do with that what you will.

Try Chinese acupuncture to "reset" your immune system. People in the comments did report their seasonal allergies had improved via acupuncture...but from what I've seen, no celiacs have yet been cured via needles.

And now, drum roll please....we get to the food. Currently, eating gluten free is the only science-backed treatment for celiac disease...but that doesn't keep other people from suggesting different or even more restrictive diets.

Dietary Choices That Can "Cure" Celiac Disease:

Eating gluten from Europe, since its different processing protocols or ingredients make it "safe" for people with celiac disease. Unfortunately, wheat is wheat...and all wheat, gluten and barley are dangerous for people with celiac.

That you actually just need to avoid pesticides covering food, not the food itself. I'm pretty sure pesticide-free wheat will still hurt me. And so far, one of the only studies linking pesticides with celiac disease (in a causal relationship) was later said to have made conclusions "not supported by the available scientific evidence."

Only eating organic fruits and veggies and free-range meats. Which is basically just one form of a gluten free diet, which doesn't "cure" celiac disease but does treat the symptoms.

Guzzling bone broth. 

Drinking celery juice on the daily. 

Eating allll the bananas. At least this celiac disease cure has history, considering that doctors first treated people with celiac disease by prescribing a banana-only diet.

Eating a plant-based diet. You can certainly eat a plant-based and gluten free diet, and you may even find eating plant-based makes you feel healthier overall...but it won't let you eat gluten again if you have celiac disease.

Avoiding GMOs. 

Only eating whole wheat versus refined flours. Because whole wheat is definitely what someone who can't tolerate gluten or wheat needs to heal? Yeah, I'm lost on this one.

This is when my research really started getting fun (in a twisted sort of way, I suppose). Because the more I searched, the more weeeeird celiac disease "cures" I discovered.

We'll start off pretty tame with just three "healthy living" hacks that are often suggested to pretty much anyone with a chronic illness.

Doing yoga. I can confirm that doing hot yoga regularly will not sweat out your inability to eat gluten.

Juicing. Unfortunately, I don't believe fruits and veggies can change our genes...

Drinking hot water every morning. Apparently, this is what everyone in Cambodia suggested one celiac traveler should try...

And then there are the countless things you can buy to "fix" your digestion, your mood and, of course, your autoimmune disease. Just to name a few examples, here are some marketable celiac disease "cures" many celiacs recall being pitched:

Essential oils...because what CAN'T essential oils do these days?!?

Probiotics. Taking probiotics has definitely transformed my gut health for the better, but there is a major limit to their "healing" powers.

Chinese medicine. Again...these cure everything, right?

Digestive enzymes. Possibly helpful when at risk for cross-contamination while eating out or if you have gluten intolerance. Not helpful for de-activating your celiac gene.

Activated charcoal. Sammmme as above.

And finally, the grand finale: a bunch of celiac disease cure suggestions that I saw on my computer screen and couldn't help but think:

"This is too weird to make up."

Get pregnant and your body will "magically" fix its celiac disease. Who knew we all just needed a bun in the oven to suddenly eat wheat?

Prayer. I know this is a touchy subject, and I don't include this "cure" in this grouping as an intentional attack on anyone who believes in the power of prayer. I agree that miracles can happen...but that it's also irresponsible to suggest that people with celiac disease can or should just pray about being able to eat gluten and still put their body in harm's way...

Meditating regularly and reducing stress. Definitely beneficial in helping you cope with the stress of having an autoimmune disease. But that's about it.

Exorcism?!? Yeah...I'll just leave that one here. (And note that the person who shared this story considers the wannabe celiac "exorcist" an ex-friend. Not surprising, I'd say!).

Thinking positively. 

Communion wafers that are made with gluten. As the commenter put it, "I know God loves me, but God's gluten wafer definitely doesn't."

Going to a psychologist or therapist. Celiac disease CAN have a psychological impact on the people who have it, but it's not rooted in our minds.

Waving vials of wheat near your body to "desensitize" it to gluten. A mom heard this tip from her daughter's doctor. Safe to say, they soon found a new practitioner to visit.

What I Hope You Take Away From This Post

At the end of the day, I would be ecstatic if there was a celiac disease cure...not necessarily even for me to use, but as a great option for my children, should they inherit my celiac disease. 

Right now, though, there is no cure for celiac disease - just eating gluten free to treat celiac's symptoms. 

I know that fact can be hard to accept, especially if you're newly diagnosed or struggling with celiac-related issues right now.

But also know this: over six years after my celiac diagnosis, I can honestly say that I'm living pretty dang happily while eating gluten free. And you can too.

So if friends or coworkers do suggest a less-than-scientific way to magically "fix" your celiac disease, I hope you can laugh off their suggestions and be grateful for everything you still can do, even while living with celiac disease.

Has someone ever told you they "cured" their celiac disease or know someone who did? I'd love to hear your stories in the comments! via Blogger https://ift.tt/2HSKFOk