#thanks to therapy + friends i'm opening up more and i wish the same for other people. shit Can get better

[godbirdart]

「 boys don't cry 」

about suppressed emotions, downplayed heartaches, and the expectations to remain stoically self reliant without the community and connection needed to help open the paths away from isolated self destruction.

[miradelletarot]

This Christmas, I find myself being contemplative.

Two days after Christmas last year, I officially walked out the door, and separated from my husband, letting go of a 16 year marriage in the hopes that I could turn my life around and find my happiness.

It was the scariest and most difficult decision I ever made. I had no idea if I would be okay, if I would fail. If it weren't for my best friends offering their home to me, and my 1 boss buying a car for me to use to get to work, I wouldn't be where I am today.

It's not been an easy year by any means. But, compared to where I was exactly a year ago today, I'm so much better. I'm healthier, happier, and more stable. I'm still not completely on my own, but that's ok. I'm in a supportive and positive environment and I'm growing. I'm in therapy, I paid off my car this week, and I opened a high yield savings account. I'm making moves for my future in a very big way.

I see where my ex is at and it's the same struggles as always. He's kept himself in the same pattern of inadequacy, and I'm so glad I got out.

On top of it all, I cut contact with my parents and my brother. All these toxic, unhealthy connections are being removed and I have never been happier.

The only thing I find I'm missing is full independence. I want a home of my own. I want a job that can allow me to afford an apartment or a house.

I'm also missing companionship. 16 years with a partner then suddenly going without really hits a certain way. It's a void that can't be filled with family or friends unfortunately. Not to be a pessimist, but I don't have a lot of confidence that I'll find someone that will meet my now-high expectations. Gale kinda ruined that for me lol. That's the bar, unrealistic as it may be.

Despite that, however, I'm happy. Truly happy. I no longer blame myself for the failings of my marriage. I gave it my best. I really tried to anyway. I told my ex that I wanted couples counseling. He declined. That was my condition for staying. He said he wasn't interested so as far as I'm concerned, he threw away the relationship. Not me. My mediation is in January so hopefully it'll be over by then.

So many of you have been supportive and loving as I went thru all of this. I am grateful for the friendships I've made on here. I wish I was around more to interact, but please know that I appreciate the help out of y'all and your kindness. This community has lifted me up in ways that I never expected.

Thank you, everyone. Thanks for being here while I grow.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and have a spectacular New Year. ❤️

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

Wish there were more people like you who were open to exploring dynamics between two characters in an alternate universe where they are not bound by familial relationship/title or whatever it's called. I get it tsams/tlaes have a lot of family things going on and a-specs things but eh what do I expect from a fandom that started the hate on sunxmoon shippers? I'll continue shipping sunxmoon, eclipsexsun, solarxmoon and solarxearth(thanks to that one anon from before for introducing me to this) not as family related, and the fandom can suck it

Honestly.

Like one person told me "Moon and Solar are brothers" once.

And?..

They're not.

That's like saying Ink and Dream or something from the Undertale Au verse are brothers cause they're alternate realities of eachother and people ship them all the time???

"but they have the same face"

So???

So does Lolbit and Funtime Foxy. They're a couple in SBshow verse.

Mickey and Minnie mouse have the same face and no one raises stink about the most classic example of same face syndrome.

They're robots and I think physical appearance matters very little to them in the grand scheme of things. But that might just be my demisexual ass talking.

On a side note, I know the VA for Earth, Aka: Kat has been very "ship and let ship" with the fandom. And I think that's why in the Solar therapy session, she clarified that she knows Solar isn't biologically related. Technically none of them are, she just wants to consider him part of the family.

I remember awhile back the fandom was so hostile to people who saw Lunar as an adult and would draw him in adult situations. (Like taxes/half joking you know what I mean)

And I believe that was the last big drama the actors like Davis was directly involved in before he took a step back from that and told the fandom to sort it out themselves. And I really don't blame him. There are people who are crazy and just feel entitled to things.

And in more recent episodes, Lunar has stated more frequently that he is an adult animatronic of sound mind who can make his own decisions, so that they can put that issue to bed with the discourse.

(I personally think that gen1/2 Lunar was very much a kid psychology and through the course of the course of the show, and due to his experiences and truama he grows up in two years and he's a young adult now. This reflects in every time he has a model change or appearance.)

See this is what I mean when I say they are robots. Robots can grow up from 13 to 24 (approximately) in the span of two years. Robots can change their mind about family dynamics and say "you know what I think that i don't feel like a cousin, as what I feel for Moon is more intense then familiar bonds. So I change my mind." And this is allowed. This is allowed. Like I would not think this way about human characters.

People in the transformers fandom are really familiar with this concept as well. At least the few people I talk to from an outsider perspective. The transformers robots change their relationships in canon to eachother all the time from what I hear.

And yes. I know tsams is focused on themes of family and found family and togetherness. Like I'm not media illiterate. I know what one of the themes are. For some reason, people think I don't know tsams is about family.

Like bruh.

This whole show took two years for them to build the family and support network they all have with eachother when before the show was a toxic family relationship with Sun and Moon only. And I think it's beautiful how it evolved and how many characters there are and how big the family is now!

It's great!

And I do separate in my brain what's going on in canon and what's going on in my shipping brain.

This doesn't mean I can have fun on the side. With silly speculations and silly headcanons.

Giggling to myself and twirling my hair about the "what ifs" and aus

Staying out of the main tags and talking to my own friends with my own company.

While also analyzing the show and leaving tsams lots of long lovely YouTube comments about what the show is actually about.

Also. Consider this.

Since the multiverse is canon in tsams, in definition, by their own rules, there is a universe where everything in tsams is the same, except your ship is canon.

Evil!Sun even said that Sun and Moon being brothers is more rare across dimensions then we initially assumed.

So they're either enemies, strangers, they killed eachother, or something else.

They only are brothers after their canon event of separating and agreeing to work together. So there are some universes where that never happened.

Meaning most likely that our Moon's portal runs on a central finite curve.

So take that as you will.

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

Public Enemy: Part One

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~1.8k

Summary: Someone is terrorizing the public by taking their comfort away from them. You're trying to heal from being in prison, and Spencer helps as much as he can.

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill

Season Five Masterlist

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there are any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them.

x

"Show me a hero, and I will write you a tragedy." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

Tick, tick, tick goes the clock again. All you want to do is throw something at the damn thing.

"I tried. I tried so hard to think about the dream I rewrote. I tried to keep it in my head but it didn't work," you sigh sadly.

"Which dream did you rewrite?" Melissa asks and crosses her legs.

"My boyfriend was kidnapped a few years ago. I was with him and we went to talk to a witness who turned out to be the killer. We split up and he got kidnapped. He was tortured and got addicted to Dilaudid because of it. I rewrote it to make it so we never split up."

"Why did you choose that nightmare to rewrite?"

"It was the less traumatic of them all, I guess."

"Keep it up. I think you're doing a great job. It might not seem like it but you are."

"Thanks," you whisper.

"Is there anything you'd like to talk about?" You open your mouth but nothing comes out. "It's okay, Y/N. This is a safe space. You can talk about anything you want."

"I just..." You look down and pick the lint off your clothes. "I fear I'll never be a good FBI agent again. I fear I'll never be as I was before." You lean forward and rest your elbows on your knees with your head in your hands. "God, I wish I could just go back to before I went to prison."

"What happened last time to make you realize you're much more than this gift of yours?"

You sit up and go back to picking at the lint on your clothes.

"I see death every single day. Yesterday, I went grocery shopping and I saw a dead woman in the cereal aisle. They never leave me alone," you whisper painfully. "One day, I saw a woman get mugged by a man a lot bigger than her. He knifed her, took her purse, and ran away, leaving her to bleed out. It had already happened so I couldn't do anything about it. I saw their energies to help paint a picture of the event. All I could do was stand there and watch it happen. I decided at that moment I wanted to stick up for people who couldn't do it for themselves. I needed to stop letting others' fear control me. I told myself enough is enough. I applied for the police academy that afternoon."

"What makes this different than that?" You look at Melissa with tears in your eyes. "Why do you think you can't tell yourself enough is enough?"

You take five minutes to think of an answer.

"Maybe I've been around death for too long. It knows what to expect from me," you sigh.

"If I had to guess, I think it's because you're afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"Making mistakes. Of letting your friends and family down." You look away from her and let two tears fall down your cheeks. "Of you."

"Yeah, maybe," you shrug.

"Looks like we'll have to pick this up next time. Are you going to be okay?"

"I don't know. Thanks for listening to me."

"Thanks for letting me."

You leave therapy and stand outside the office building for a moment. You let the sun wash over your skin, warming it. Every time you leave therapy, you don't know if you're going to be better. It does help to talk to someone about this but you're not sure if you'll ever be the same as you once were. Your phone rings and you answer it when you see your boyfriend's name.

"Hey, Spence."

"Hey, are you done?"

"Yeah, I'm on my way."

"I love you."

It doesn't matter how much he says it to you, your heart will always flutter.

"I love you. I'll be there in twenty minutes."

You decide to walk to work since it's not far from your therapist's office. The local park isn't crowded with kids yet since it's still early so you enjoy the solitude for as long as you have it. You cut through the park instead of going around it, and you come across a thick blanket of trees in one section of the park. Two people are inside the cluster of trees, struggling. You walk closer and see a man robbing a younger and smaller woman. She has her mouth wide open and screams for help but no noise comes out of her mouth.

This isn't real. This isn't happening in real-time. The man yanks the purse from the woman and ends up stabbing her. She falls to the ground and he runs further into the treeline until he disappears.

Enough is... oh, forget it.

You turn and walk to the BAU with your head down the entire way. Everyone is in the briefing room and you quickly take your seat so JJ can begin.

"This is Captain Paul Collins." She puts his picture on the screen. "He's the third victim in two weeks in Providence, Rhode Island. He just returned home two weeks ago from his fourth tour in Iraq. He's a decorated war hero."

"Was he targeted because he's in the military?" Derek asks.

"No. Just like the first two victims, he was targeted because he was convenient. He was killed at a church during an early service. His neck was cut open and severed at the carotid artery. He bled out in a matter of moments. It happened right in front of his daughter and wife."

"Murder in a church is highly symbolic. Is there a religious agenda involved?" Emily asks.

"The detective on the case, Jake Moreland, ruled that out because of the first two victims. The first victim, Mike O'Donnell, was found under a sink in the men's room at a restaurant."

"What kind of restaurant?"

"It's a local place with white tablecloths and jug wine. The second victim, Karen Lagrassa, was killed at the laundromat. All three had their throats slashed."

"Aside from the MO, the victimology's all over the place. It's like this guy doesn't care who he's kidding, just how. He's doing it in public without compunction for who sees him."

"Do we have a sketch?" Hotch asks.

"All anyone can agree on is that it's a white male between twenty-five and forty."

"Well, that narrows it down to all of Providence," Emily scoffs.

"It's hard to fault the witnesses given how bloody these murders were."

"What bothers me is the cooling off period is getting shorter and shorter, but there are no attempts to hide who he is or what he's doing. I mean, an unsub this bold could be suffering from a major psychotic break."

"I already asked Detective Moreland to pull recent releases on prisons and mental hospitals," JJ says.

"We need to get to Providence ASAP. Whether he's suffering a psychotic break or not, this could be the start of a spree, and anyone is a potential target."

After thirty minutes of gathering what you need, you meet the team at the jet. As soon as the last person is on, the jet takes off toward Rhode Island. You're seated next to Spencer at the table, and he has his left hand resting on your thigh. It doesn't matter how he touches you, his touch makes you feel safe and grounded. It's the only thing keeping you from melting in a puddle of your own tears.

"Why is he using a knife? A gun assures the highest number of fatalities. If all he's interested in is quantity, he could be doing this more efficiently," Emily says.

"He could be training. Spree killers often do dry runs before they start their rampage."

"Most spree killers have lost control by the time they begin. They're always male. If they don't fall into the school shooter category, they're older like forties and fifties, and socially isolated. The stressor is usually the dissolution of their last social outlet."

"George Hennard was inspired by James Huberty. Between the two of them, they shot forty-three people at fast food restaurants," Spencer explains.

"Well, if he's practicing for his mass murder, he's definitely getting bolder and bloodier about it. Right now, the shock and awe of the bloodletting seems to be what he's going for. Soon, that won't be enough."

"Without a specific target victim, we need to concentrate on the crime scenes and see what they tell us. Prentiss, you take the laundromat. I'll have Detective Moreland meet you there."

"I'd like to take a look at the church If you don't mind," Rossi says. "I'd like to take Y/N with me."

"Good. JJ, you and Morgan interview Captain Collins' wife. She got the best look at the unsub. See what she remembers. Reid and I will run point from the police station."

When the plane lands, you and Rossi head to the church where the unsub striked for the third time. Father Kendellen is waiting for you two on the steps outside the church.

"Agent Rossi? Agent Y/N?"

"Yes. You must be Father Kendellen."

"Thank you for coming so quickly."

"It's the least we can do, Father."

"To be honest, I've been struggling to understand all this. It's been trying," Father Kendellen sighs.

"I don't like to see crime tape In front of church doors. I can't imagine how you feel."

"Ash Wednesday is next week. These doors should never be closed to the community."

You look around the area and think where the unsub might strike next. He's already hit a restaurant bathroom, a laundromat, and a church. He's chosen his victims not out of preference but out of favorable circumstances. With each kill, he's growing bolder. He doesn't care who sees him. Next time he strikes, it'll be more public than a church. Hotch no doubt has Penelope working on finding public places that might be his next target.

You and Rossi follow Father Kendellen inside the church and your eyes immediately go to the pew that the unsub killed the military captain in. The wave of energy washes over you, bringing you back to last night. The entire church is filled with people attending the service. Paul and his family are sitting in the way back from having been late to the service. The double doors open behind them and the unsub walks in. He gets a few stares from curious onlookers but they turn back around and continue with the service. The unsub sits down behind Paul and his family, and you pause the scene to approach the unsub.

He's just a black shadow that you hope will show distinctive features you can use to catch him. However, even when you're sitting next to him, he continues to be a black shape. You focus as hard as you can to see something more but you lose confidence in yourself easily. You rest your elbows on your knees and put your head in both hands. This is too difficult. I can't do it. Someone puts a hand on your shoulder and you snap your head up to see you're back in the present with Rossi sitting next to you.

"Don't stress yourself too much."

"Rossi, this used to come so naturally to me. It was easy before. Now it's..."

"When something traumatic happens to someone, the mind is the last thing to heal. Your physical wounds are gone but you need to give your mind some time to heal the emotional ones. You're a good FBI agent even without your abilities. Don't let it get you down. Be patient."

"You're right," you sigh.

x

Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary​​​​​​ where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

[firewasabeast]

Okay, a little bit late but I come bearing my thoughts on chapter 10 of Time in a Bottle!

I'll start with the past:

My jaw dropped when I read that Buck had hit Eddie, but I mean… expected. This dialogue though? “He’s your best friend” “Not anymore” it's time to play “Are We Still Friends?” by Tyler, The Creator cause DAMN.

And Athena making Buck promise that he won't interfere with the investigation while knowing Buck will either way 😭😭😭

Then you tell me that Buck made a timeline with notes?? Duuude. All the little things that Buck noticed? like the fact that Tommy hadn't been paying his bills, that he was texting to “James” in a different way that he used to text (plus the date set up omg), And how he learned it had been two months since Tommy was gone 😭. And Buck declining everyone's calls? CJ, and girl I was NOT expecting him to call Gabe for help but it also makes sense??? Like yeah he's the only one who he thought could help right now.

Now let's go with the present (here's where you fucked me up CJ because what the actual fuck):

We start off with the fact that yeah, Tommy listened to ALL of the voicemails and we learn that Buck took care of the bill collectors?? 😭

And not Buck about to offer to go with Tommy to the bathroom :(( oh and Chimney noticing and asking Buck how Tommy actually doing? Hen reminding him that they saw how Tommy was and that he's not fine?? Buck being super defensive about it and insisting they're fine??? I do agree with them about Buck needing support because I just knew things were going to go to shit… AND THEN YOU PROCEEDED TO DO JUST THAT (I’m just wondering when will Buck ask for help because… things are tough)

Okay but Buck being immediately worried about Tommy because he knows he's been in the bathroom for too long? 😭 And then taking it out on Hen and Chim? 😭

Tommy jumping slightly because Buck swung the door open was so :(( and Tommy LYING about it, saying it got wet when it reality he got paranoid that a stranger was following him, and he cried so much and freaked out that that's why he got the cast wet?? and “He wouldn't let it happen again”??? CJJJ

And lastly that scene… I knew it was coming, I knew there was a moment Buck would see the PTSD slip through the cracks and Oh God that was so well written I applaud you CJ. It's how you already told us in prior chapters that Tommy was more aware of smells and I thought here that it also applied to noises, so it's of fucking course he was going to hear the dripping if the sink. But that fact that it isn't until Buck shouts to him or gets in his face that he calms down 😭 then you have stuff like Buck being able to make the dripping go away faster because he isn't freaking out like Tommy, then you have the fact that he can still “hear” the dripping and freaks out AGAIN so much he tries to rip the sink off?? Tommy not wanting to go to bed because he just wanted to destroy the bathroom? Buck offering to make milkshakes and watch a movie even though he's tired?? “It was far beyond what Buck knew how to handle.”??? I TOLD YOU DIDN'T I? And Buck being terrified over what just happened?? Oh CJ… I know there'll be more pain incoming and I CAN'T WAIT.

Tomorrow I'm going on a trip to the beach (it's summer where I live) so I don't know how much I'll be online, I wanted to send you my thoughts before I went. I'll obviously read chapter 11 there and will probably freak out based on the latest asks you've gotten about it.

CJ it was seriously such a good chapter, sending you love and wishing for these guys to go to therapy.

– bisexualbrainrots

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH 😭 😭 😭

Yes, both of these boys need therapy, STAT! Tommy's trying so hard to be "normal" but wtf even is normal anymore?!

Same with Buck. He's trying his best to force himself into believing he's fine, but there's no way he's actually fine!

Gah, these boys!!

I hope you enjoy your beach trip! Thank you for messaging me your thoughts on 11 already too 😭 I hope I didn't destroy your relaxing day at the beach ahhh!

[loislane41319]

Fear.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x reader

Wordcount: 3094

Summary: The first time Dean sees you scared.

Warnings: Typical Supernatural stuff. Vampires, beheading vampires, death, deep feelings of guilt, loss of loved ones.

Note: I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything. All three of my best friends recently moved away and I've been going to therapy for, among other things, ADHD.

Last week I had my last therapie session and, while I wrote this a few weeks ago, today I finally finished editing it!

Thank you so much for waiting for me and I really hope you'll enjoy this.

For those who'd like something less violent I am working on a dad!Spencer Reid story. I don't know when I'll post that though.

Story:

Fear is a funny thing. It can just appear out of nowhere or it can sneak up on you, like some virus that you’re not aware of until after it’s caused an infection. Fear is a feeling, but unlike happiness or anger it always comes with a bodily reaction. Depending on the situation and the person, the body can react to fear in different ways. For instance, when you come eye to eye with a tiger, you might feel your chest start to tighten. This means your muscles are getting ready to take action, possibly in the form of fighting or in the form of running away. Others might start to sweat excessively, so that their bodies will stay cool while running and then there’s the kind of person who will drop to the ground and play dead. Now, when encountering a tiger the latter method is useless, because tigers will sneak up on you and attack from behind. However when you encounter a female bear protecting her cubs, pretending to be dead is exactly the way to go.

Now, these reactions stem from a long time ago when humans regularly came in contact with wild animals, because we lived amongst them and they were a source of food. Nowadays however, we might react to having a job interview or giving a presentation in the same way our ancestors would while encountering a sabre-toothed tiger. That is, unless your job is to hunt ghosts, demons or other supernatural beings.

Of course, these hunters are humans so they know fear. Probably even better than normal folk. The thing about hunters is that, while they are afraid, they don’t show it. They can’t, otherwise whatever creature they’re hunting will gain the upper hand. So, while learning what monsters are out there and how to beat them, a hunter will learn how to handle their fear. They’ll learn to keep their breathing under control, so they won’t start hyperventilating and panic, but they’ll be able to keep thinking clearly. They learn to think on their feet, so that, even when a creature does gain the upper hand, they can turn the tables just as fast. And most of all, they learn that being scared is okay, because their own fear won’t kill them, but whatever creature they’re facing might.

You are one of those hunters. You’ve been hunting for almost two decades and you’re good at it. You were also a mystery. You had some impressive kills to your name and so other hunters starting talking about you, but no one actually knew you. Rumours were spread and you were made out to be some kind of superhuman. Eventually, the word most used to describe you, was fearless.

The rumours eventually also reached the Winchesters. Dean was not only impressed, but intrigued by the stories he heard and his desire to meet you kept growing the more he heard about you. Sam however, had his doubts about the rumours floating around and would rather focus on facts.

Dean was granted his wish though. Four months ago you met the brothers while working the same case. You got along well and after working together and solving the case you worked together more and more.

While drinking a beer on the hood of his car, you even opened up to Dean about losing your mother as a child and since he went through something similar, you two became very close. Bit by bit you pulled away the veil that you had draped over your past. You shared stories about your family , your pain, but not your fear. Never your fear. To you, fear was something you couldn’t allow yourself to feel. Instead of learning to deal with it, you had taught yourself to bury it, deep down inside of you where no one, not even you, could get to it. And it worked. You killed vampires, ghosts, werewolves and demons all on your own. It didn’t even matter how many there were, you would always get the job done. Until one fateful night.

You and the Winchesters were working a case that involved multiple bodies, found with bite marks and without blood. The culprit was a vampire. That you knew almost instantly. What you didn’t know however, was how many there were or where they were held up. After the third victim was found, you realised all the bodies were left around an old abandoned factory and you decided to investigate.

Ever since you entered the town though, the hairs on the back of your neck had stood up straight. Why? You didn’t know. You just felt like something was off, but since you had no idea what, you shrugged it off and focused on the job you had to do.

The second you found yourself at the factory though, your heart started banging in your chest, harder than it ever had. But, as always, you shoved the feeling down and kept going. There were three buildings in the area and you decided to clear them together, one by one. The first building was empty. When you thought you had cleared the second building, suddenly you were pushed to the ground. You managed to catch yourself, but as your hands hit the ground, an image flashed through your brain. You saw your hands on the exact same floor except everything was covered in blood. What was going on? Within a second you were back to reality, without any idea what had just happened. Your skin was now clammy, your breathing heavy and you were sweating profusely. “Y/N, you okay?” You heard Dean ask. You got up and after turning around you noticed a beheaded body and blood dripping off of Sam’s machete. It was a vampire that had pushed you down. “Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s get to the last building.” You answered and all three of you kept going.

You walked over to the third building and stood next to Dean as Sam opened the door. Before entering, you swallowed hard, trying to calm yourself down. For a split second, you wondered if you should let Sam and Dean handle this building without you, but you immediately threw that thought out of the window. How could you even think about leaving your friends just when things got difficult?

The second you entered the factory hall, you felt like you had walked into a wall. You staggered backwards, slamming your back into the wall behind you as your brain was flooded with images of this very hall covered in blood and remains. Suddenly you heard your brother. He was screaming, vampires were growling and suddenly you were on the ground and the blood was gone. The next second you could see Sam and Dean fighting some vamps, but you couldn’t tell what was real anymore. You saw a vampire coming straight at you, but you weren’t sure if it was really there, so you had no idea what to do. You pressed yourself against the wall, pulling your knees against your chest. In an attempt to make everything stop, you covered your ears and closed your eyes, hiding your face between your knees.

As the last vampire’s head hit the floor, Dean started looking for you and Sam. He found his brother first, standing over another dead vampire a few feet away. “You okay?” Sam asked. “Yeah” Dean answered and he was about to ask where you were when he heard you whimpering. “No, no, no. Go away, leave me alone.” You mumbled. For a second Dean wasn’t sure if you were actually you. You were hyperventilating, tears were streaming down your face and you looked so small Dean could barely recognise the strong, powerful woman he had gotten to know in the last few months. Both brothers ran toward you and knelt down next to you. “Hey, Y/N? It’s Dean. It’s safe now. Nothing’s gonna hurt you. Can you open your eyes for me?” Dean softly asked. Somehow, through all the screaming and the blood and the violence in your head Dean’s voice was crystal clear. Like a light in the darkest night you tried your best to focus on his voice and you let him guide you back to reality. “Dean?” You managed to get out through sort breaths. “Yeah, Y/N, it’s me. It’s okay. Try to breathe.” He told you. You slowly looked up at him and while everything outside of you was calm and quiet, your body was still a complete chaos on the inside. “I-I can’t.” You told Dean as your right hand found your heart. “Yes you can. Here.” Dean said. He took your hand from your heart and placed it over his own. “Try to match my breathing. You can do this, I know you can.” He told you and you tried your best, but your erratic breathing didn’t change. Dean looked at his brother, wordlessly asking him for help. Sam held his hands up, wordlessly telling his brother he didn’t know how. Dean looked back to you. His heart broke seeing you like this and it hurt so much more because he couldn’t help you. He racked his brain, trying to think of anything that might help you. 

Suddenly, an idea popped into this head. It may have been the most ridiculous, dumb idea he ever had, but he had to help you and there was nothing else he could think of. Still holding your hand over his heart, Dean laid his other hand in your neck and pressed his lips against yours. 

In the last for months Dean had loved getting to know you. He deeply enjoyed hanging out with you and felt honoured every time you told him something about yourself you hadn’t told anyone else. He had wanted to ask you out for two months now, but had never found the courage to do that. About a week ago you were working on another case. You had found changelings and after killing the mother, one of the human kids didn’t want to leave their cage. It was a little, four-year-old girl and Dean couldn’t help but stare at you as you talked to her. “I know you’re scared and your mommy isn’t here right now, but I can take you to her.” You told her. “But there are scary people out there.” The little girl whispered. “I know, but I will be with you the whole way, so I can protect you, okay?” You asked her. “Even from him?” She whispered back, pointing at Dean. A small smile appeared on your face. “I know he seems scary, but that’s my friend Dean. He won’t hurt you, I promise.” You told her and as you took the girl into your arms, Dean realised he didn’t just like you. He was falling in love with you.

As he let you go, you could finally take a deep breath in. You took a few moments to steady your breathing and then you noticed the two faces staring questioningly at you. “Y/N, what happened?” Sam asked you. “Not here. I gotta get out of here first.” You told the brothers, shaking your head. They nodded and the three of you got up and left.

About an hour later, you were back at the motel. You and Dean had both taken showers and Sammy had gotten the dinner you were now enjoying. You made smalltalk for a few minutes, until Sam decided to address the elephant in the room. “Y/N, can you please tell us what happened? I mean, in the months that we’ve known you we’ve seen you kill all kinds of creatures, including vampires, without braking a sweat and tonight you had a full blown panic attack. Do you even know what caused it?” He asked. You softly sighed and nodded, knowing you could get around it any longer. “I grew up in a family of hunters. As you know, my mom died when I was little and so my dad and my brother started hunting together, leaving me at whatever seedy motel room we were staying in. One day, when I was fifteen, I decided I was old enough to join them. They didn’t agree, so I figured I’d prove it to them. They were after a vampire and I had overheard them talking about where they thought it would be that night. A few hours later, I snuck out and went there. The vampire was held up somewhere in an old factory. Three buildings and lots of ground to cover.”

“The place we were tonight.” Sam filled in. You nodded. “Yeah. I noticed the lights were on in the third building, so I went in. I found my dad and brother inside and it turned out there wasn’t just one vampire. There were five of them. The moment one of them noticed me, I screamed. It ran straight at me, but my brother managed to kill it in time. 

My dad however, had gotten distracted by my scream, giving another vamp enough time to stab him. My brother yelled at me to run, but there were still three vamps left. I did what he told me and waited for him outside, but he never came out. He was barely eighteen. He saved my life twice in one night and had to make up for it with his own.” You felt a tear slide down your face and fell quiet. “And all of that happened in the building we were in tonight?” Sam asked. You nodded. “I always felt like their deaths were my fault, because if I hadn’t screamed, they’d still be here. So I decided I couldn’t be scared anymore.” You admitted. “Y/N, I’m so sorry.” Sam told you. Dean took your hand, causing you look at him. “I’m so sorry about that, Y/N, but their deaths aren’t your fault, they’re the vamps fault and it’s okay to be scared. Everyone gets scared sometimes, you just can’t let that stop you.” He told you sincerely. “I mean, you’re sitting next to a guy who shits his pants every time the Plucky Pennywhistle’s commercial plays.” Dean added grinning. “Haha. Here’s an idea. Take Dean on a flight. He’ll scream like a little girl the whole way.” Sam bit back, got up and disappeared into the bathroom. 

The silence that followed was heavy. Dean cleared his throat and started gathering the fast-food wrappers that were all over the table. As he got up to throw them away, you decided you had to get something off of your chest. “Dean, how did you know kissing me would help me breathe?” You asked as you turned to him. He just shrugged. “Read it somewhere, I think.” He mumbled. “So, it was just that? Just a way to get me to take deeper breaths?” You asked, getting up and walking towards him. “Yeah, I was just trying to-“ You turned him towards you and softly pressed your lips against his, effectively cutting him off. He kissed you back, dropping the towel he was holding in the sink and wrapping his arm around your waist. One of your hands found its way into his hair, while the other intertwined both of your fingers. Then you pulled back. “I’m sorry, I did not mean to, I’d-“ You tried to walk away, but had somehow forgotten you were still holding Deans hand. “Not so fast. I have something to admit. I didn’t just kiss you to stop you from panicking. I didn’t know what to do and I wanted to kiss you before it was too late.” Dean said while walking closer to you. “Really?” You asked him. “Yeah. I’ve wanted to ask you out for months, but I was so scared of losing you that I kept chickening out. So, this is me, not letting my fear stop me. Y/N, will you go out with me? Because I think I’m falling for you.” You were so close, your foreheads and noses touched and you could feel Dean’s breath against your lips as he talked. You pressed another kiss to his lips and a smile appeared on his face. “Yes, I’ll go on a date with you. And Dean? I fell for you four months ago.” You told him. Dean kissed you again and then you finally let go of his hand. “We should get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.” You told him, trying not to laugh at the pout on his face.

The moment the door closed behind you, you felt cold. Part of you wanted to get back inside and stay with Dean until the morning and another part you was yelling at you because it’s just one night. You could be without him for that long, couldn’t you? So, you went to your own room and got ready for bed. Once in bed, though, you couldn’t sleep. You kept tossing and turning and for whatever reason you were freezing. After a few minutes, you decided enough was enough. You got out of bed and made your way back to Sam and Deans room. The light was still on and Sam was still in the shower. Dean was in bed flipping though channels. His hand disappeared under his pillow when the door opened, until he noticed it was you. “Hey, what’s up?” He asked and turned off the tv. “Hey, can I sleep here tonight?” You asked softly. Then you saw the most adorable thing you had seen in a while. Deans eyes started shining and his lips turned into the sweetest smile. “Come here.” He said. He held up a corner of the blanket and moved back as you crawled into bed next to him. The first moments were a little awkward as Dean was laying with his back toward the edge of the bed and you laid with your back towards him. He loosely laid an arm around your waist and waited to see how you’d react. You took his hand, intertwined your fingers and pulled it against your heart. Then you softly kissed Dean’s knuckles and the awkwardness melted away. Dean wrapped his other arm around you too and pulled you against his chest. “Goodnight, handsome.” You whispered. “Goodnight, sweetheart.” Dean whispered back and pressed a soft kiss to your shoulder. Not two minutes later you were both fast asleep when Sam came out of the bathroom. He immediately noticed you in his brothers bed and couldn’t help but smile. Finally.

[suchalonelysunflower]

Happier Than Ever (Stay) (A.I)

Pairing: Ashton Irwin x Fem!Singer! Reader

Summary: Based on the songs Happier than Ever by Billie Eilish and Stay by Post Malone. pt 2 of YOYOK. You go back to L.A and old friends open old wounds

Warnings: ANGST. This is very, very based on my own experience so this is my therapy session with you guys, sorry. Mentions of abuse, death, melancholia, psychological abuse, sad times, curse words. And grammar errors (I didn't even check twice, I'm sorry)

Word Count: 8.7 k

Author's Note: Hey, I'm back because I've missed you and I needed to get this fit out of my chest and survive it. Please, if you like it reblog it and comment, I love to know your thoughts. SUPPORT YOUR WRITERS THAT WE'RE GETTING FEWER AND FEWER HERE. Thank you. Hope you like it and happy reading

YOYOK / Masterlist

“Hey,… I know it’s been a long time since we last saw each other. I’ve heard the new album is coming along great, I’m so happy for you. You… You seem happy, or at least that’s what I can see on social media. I just- I heard you were coming back home- I mean, L.A for some time and well, I was wondering if we could catch up? If you don’t have a place to stay maybe you could crash into mine, like the old times. But you probably already… Anyhow, just call me or text me if you want to. I would really love to-”

When I'm away from you, I'm happier than ever Wish I could explain it better I wish it wasn't true

You love the feeling of being above the clouds. So close to the sky that you marveled on the technological advances that allowed you to feel free.

“Mom, look!” You thought “I’m in the clouds, so high above. Is this the feeling you were always dreaming about?”

A pang of nostalgia stabbed your heart, wishing your mom could be there with you experiencing all of this. But she was back at home, safe and sound on the surface. You knew it was for the best, that you could miss her a little bit more before your heart begged you to go and visit, even when your mind knew better than to believe those rose colored glasses of memory.

Was it the feeling of familiarity that made you feel safe even when it hurt? Maybe. Still, you wish you could’ve shown the world to her, give her everything on a silver platter and say “Mom, I did it. I can take care of you now”

What would she say?

You know she’s proud and she’s thankful for everything you’ve done for her. Still, it doesn’t feel like enough. Her eyes just won’t shine the same way; her smile would change; and the hug won’t ever feel as comforting as you’d expected. Your heart would tell you that she loves you, but your mind would always go back to those moments where you doubted it could ever be unconditional. So you’ve learned to miss her a little bit longer each time. Longer until you learn to miss her for the rest of your life.

It was not a foreign feeling, but it was one that you learned to feel and apply to your life. With time you’ve known the patterns, you’ve learned to grow and let go because that’s not the energy you need to spend even a bit of your mind over. You could miss the happy moments but know that they don’t fit anywhere with the person you want to be most. For your own good, you needed to learn how to let go.

The path was not easy - having to teach your heart not to bleed itself dry for the memory of past times. All the tears and the hurt, it was all part of healing what other people broke. So, the beauty of the cracks made you see just how worthy you are. Even if sometimes the water leaks and your mind starts a whirlwind of doubt, you would never come back to the person you used to be when the people that you loved most didn’t love you as you deserved.

Since then, you found yourself thriving. Not only in your career as a musician, with your lyrics that resonated with a lot of people and even made you gain a considerable number of new fans; but, also with yourself. You started loving more freely, more authentically. you saw yourself in a better light and wished people from your past could see just how much better you are without them. Not to be mean or to gloat, but for them to know that you didn’t cave, that life was meant to be lived and you will be doing just that even if they’re not part of it anymore. You wanted them to be happy for you, just as happy as you are for them.

Still, it scared you to go back to L.A, a place that has seen you at your worst and was the cause of your declining mental health. Even if it was for a short period of time, you knew you couldn’t stay there. Your place, the place that you belong was somewhere across the sea; far from anything and anyone that could make you feel like you once did. Like you didn’t matter.

Yet, no process of healing is ever complete until the cycle of hurt is broken. There were some things in your chest that begged for you to say them. Now it was time to let them out. And, if you were honest, a tiny bit of curiosity tied itself to that feeling. There were just too many unanswered questions still left hanging in thin air. The problem was that you didn’t know if you’d like the answers.

“Hey, Y/N” Your agent called your attention as she sat next to you “I need to confirm the last dates for your airbnb, are you sure you want to shorten your stay?”

You smiled softly at her “Yeah, I will be staying with some friends after”

“Okay, but are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. There’s a lot of things we need to catch up”

Every time we make-up, the truth is fading' Everybody's blind when the view's amazing'

It was weird to feel foreign in a place that helped shape you into the person you are now. But, then again, L.A never felt like home. Australia didn’t either, even though that’s what you’ve been saying in all the interviews when they asked what’d you miss more from home. “My family, the sweets, my friends, the sun…” But the sun did shine in other places; your family, you realized, never made any difference; the sweets could be ordered online; and your friends… Your friends changed. In the end, home never felt like home because you could create it everywhere you’d go.

There just places you’ve been. Home is something else, something you haven’t found yet.

Still, if you had to admit something is that the sun in L.A shines differently than in other places. It always seemed like you were entering a strange dimension, always playing “Something about the sunshine” on loop inside your mind.

You’ve been there a month and so. Enough time to have meetings and writing retreats that lasted a weekend. You’ve been to social required events, just as you do every couple of months to show your agency that you do know just how lucky you are. You’ve been to concerts, gave concerts, left concerts early to go and drink some wine curled up with a book in your bathtub in the hotel room. A small holiday mixed with a little bit of work, you’d say.

But you were leaving in a week, and there are still some things left on the schedule.

You sighed as you grabbed your bag from the sidewalk. The driver was kind enough to offer his assistance, but you would much rather face this by yourself first. During the drive you’ve imagined what it would feel like. Seeing him again. You wondered if your heart was beating faster than usual because of excitement or anxiety. In all honesty you didn’t know what to expect or even if you should be expecting something out of this experience.

Yet, you made up your mind to try and heal this. Get the answers that you longed for and be able to move on completely free. So, once the car drove away, you walked up to the door you’ve only seen in pictures before, and rang the bell.

For a moment you wondered if he remembered. Hoping that, in the end, his proposal of having you as his guest wasn’t just a passing comment he made. After all, you didn’t know when you’ll be back in the city or if your schedule would ever be as free in L.A as it is now. And even if he forgot and didn’t expect you, well, you can’t say you’d be surprised. Thank goodness for back-up plans.

“Coming!” You heard moments before the door opened, barely giving you time to prepare.

There he was. His hair was longer, somewhat a few tones lighter than the last time you saw him. His eyes took a couple of blinks to recognize you, changing the gleam in that hazel color you used to share so many secrets with. He smiled at you, the ghost of a laugh hidden in the dimples you used to poke at lunchtime, claiming that it wasn’t fair that he got to be the pretty one of the two of you. And for a moment, the man standing in front of you was the same kid you met all those years back, and you couldn’t help but smile back.

“Hey!” Ashton sang with a laugh, stepping closer into your space and hugging you with one arm as the other took your bag out of your hands “I’m so glad to see you! It’s been so long”

“Yeah,” You softly said, pulling back just enough to analyze his face “Thanks for the invite, Ash”

“Of course! I know you’re not a big fan of hotels anyway and, you know, it’s good to have you back. You’re always welcome to stay here when you’re in town”

He opened his arm toward the door and invited you in. You tried not to think about the fact that this was the first time you stepped foot into his house ever since he moved to L.A. He invited you before when you first moved, but schedules were complicated back then and after a while he stopped offering.

It was hard to think that once you used to live at his house back in Australia. Always trying to escape whatever nonsense was happening over at yours. At some point, you lost count how many times you ended up napping on his bed while he played some dumb internet game on his computer or watched a really dumb movie because “You don’t understand, Y/N, Seth Rogen is a genius” And you didn’t understand because even then you thought Seth Rogen was a creep, but it didn’t matter. You were in your safe space. You were with him. And he probably didn’t even know just how much that meant to you.

Now as you look around, you couldn’t help but search for that same feeling. A sign telling you it’ll be okay.

“Sorry, I know the living room is a little messy”

You turned to watch him look around the place with a slight blush on his cheeks. You smiled kindly at him.

“It’s okay, I’m not one to talk either” You turned back to the room “This place… suits you. It’s a lot like I imagined. Very artsy, very you”

He looked at you confused for a while “Yeah, I haven’t changed it much since -” He caught himself before he could continue and tried to cover his realization with a cough “No, yeah. Thanks! Come, your room is over here”

Once he settled your bag on the bed you went and sat next to it. Silence falling over the two of you as he stood awkwardly at the door.

“I hope everything is-”

“Everything is lovely, Ash” You smiled “Thank you”

He nodded and looked away. Hands hid inside of his pockets as he thought of the right thing to say. But nothing seemed to come to mind.

Suddenly, you felt out of place. Incredibly conscious that maybe you were an inconvenience now that you were there. Maybe, after all, he didn't want you there. You wanted to take this chance to meet him and talk, knowing you couldn’t just pretend that the years of separation and the strangeness you now felt toward each other didn’t exist. Yet, judging by his stand, there might not be a chance to bring those old moments back.

“So, how long are you staying in L.A for?” He asked. And he must’ve seen the way your face fell in disappointment for he quickly followed by saying “Not that I’m not happy that you’re here, of course, I invited you. Just wondering because that bag is just-”

“Oh. Yeah, no. My other bags are still at the hotel”

“The hotel?”

“Yeah, I just asked my team if I could leave them there since we leave in a week and I don’t need much to get by while I’m here and so…”

“Wait,” Ashton shook his head “You’ve been in L.A for a while now?”

“A month or so”

“And you didn’t tell me? Y/N, I offered you a place to stay for a reason”

You frowned “Ash, I did tell you. Last time we texted to see when I was arriving, I told you I was already here”

“No, you said-” He protested as he took out his phone and you watched him scroll down to your conversation. His words got caught up once he read those messages again “I- I though-”

“I have been incredibly busy these past few days, hence why I didn’t want to inconvenience you with my crazy schedule and all. This last week is all I have to relax and so I thought that we could catch up this week before I leave?”

“No, no, no yeah, you’re totally right.” He said, running a hand through his face, embarrassedly “I’m just an idiot”

You looked at him quizzically.

“Everything okay, Ash?”

“I thought we had more time, that’s all” He smiled softly at you “Anyway, ready for tonight?”

“Tonight?” You asked, a small smile forming in your face.

“Yeah! I’m taking you to dinner to celebrate your new album!”

Ashton started to dance awkwardly, making you laugh as you shook your head at him.

“You really don’t have to do that, you know?”

“I want to!” He said “You’ll see, just be ready by seven”

He clapped his hands and left the room. A warm feeling spread through your chest on the fact that he wanted to celebrate you and your success. It finally felt like he cared, like he hasn’t forgotten about you. This really was a chance to put all bad things in the past and start anew.

Or at least, that’s what you hoped.

You scared me to death, but I'm wasting my breath 'Cause you only listen to your fucking friends

Fuck off and pour another drink And tell me what you think You know that I'm too drunk to talk right now

You knocked on his door at fifteen past seven. You decided to wear your favorite light blue top with black, wide leg pants and some low heels. You didn’t really know where he was supposed to take you or how you should dress, so you went with the most comfortable but chic thing you could find given that you didn’t plan to go out as much.

When Ashton opened his door you took a step back to look at him. He was wearing jeans and a wide, white shirt. You could feel your cheeks blush, and had to look down to hide it. It was an awful familiar feeling that you thought you could leave behind knowing that it was extremely pointless to feel the way you once did.

And just like all those years back, he didn’t notice. But for the first time you were glad he didn’t.

“Sorry I made you wait” He said with a smile, closing the door behind him.

“It’s okay,” You said, looking up with a shy smile.

Ashton walked past you to grab his keys, the path he created with his cologne left you dumbfounded for a minute. It was a different smell, one that you weren’t familiar with.

“Why do you have so many colognes?” You asked him once, walking over to his small desk while he wrote what was left of his assignment. Ashton looked up and chuckled when he saw you puffing them into the air to smell them and making faces at each one “They’re mostly presents from my family. I think my aunts were trying to tell me something last year”

“Well, at least they have good taste” You said, trying on the one that had a clear, almost orangy color bottle “Yeah, I’m taking this one home”

“No the hell you’re not!” He got up and took the bottle away from you, raising his arm over his head so that you couldn't catch it. It was his favorite pastime to remind you just how short you were back then “This is my favorite one!”

“You never use it!”

“I will!”

After a couple more tries to grab it from his hands you saw yourself surrender and falling onto his bed again “If you don’t wear it at least five times a week, I’ll take it”

“Deal” He said with a smile, throwing one of his hoodies at you from the floor “And then you will hate it so much because it’ll remind you too much of me that you won’t even want it afterward”

You never told him that it would be the opposite.

Next thing you know, Ashton has parked and was getting out of the car. You looked around and you were surrounded by nice streets and expensive houses. You opened the door and looked over at Ashton who was nodding his head toward one of the houses.

“C’mon” He said with a smile.

“Where are we? Is this a new restaurant I haven’t heard about or…?” “What? No,” He chuckled, ringing the doorbell “Is my friend Andrew’s home. He invited us over for dinner to celebrate that he came back from tour as well”

You were at a loss for words, “He invited us?”

“Yeah, I told him you were coming. Why, what’s wrong?”

A lot. You wanted to tell him. A lot was wrong. How could he not see what he was doing? If he had told you that you were just going to a friend’s house then you wouldn’t have looked so out of place, or feel like a fish out of water. You didn’t know who this Andrew was, you didn’t even know if Ash had actually told them that you were coming or if you’re just going to turn up at this reunion/party for his friend. He said it was to celebrate you.

But before you could voice your concerns to him, the door opened and a guy with a big mop of hair jumped in to hug him.

“Dude! I’m so happy you could make it!” He - Andrew, apparently - smiled widely at Ash, chatting with him for a minute before he noticed you standing beside him “Oh, hi!”

“Hi,” You smiled shyly, extending your hand in greeting knowing Ashton was not going to introduce you judging by the face he just made, seemingly embarrassed of that fact “I’m Y/N”

“Of course!” Said Andrew, shaking your hand and pulling you in for a kiss on the cheek that you weren’t expecting “I heard so much about you, I didn’t know you were friends with this guy here”

“Yeah! We’re friends since the old Australian days” Ashton said, smiling at you “Y/N here dropped by for a visit since she’s doing a lil business around L.A”

You smiled tensely during that small exchange. Wanting nothing more than to crawl back into the car and wait for everything to be over.

One of the reasons you left L.A was because nothing ever felt right. For years you tried to fit in into the scene, going to parties and hosting them with a bunch of people who didn’t even know your last name. You were never good at making new friends, that is to say once you’ve established a relationship with someone then friendship would just roll around the corner. But everyone here was moving so fast it was almost impossible to even wish for a deeper connection with someone.

When you first moved, you thought it would be like a great new beginning. Yet you’ve never felt more alone. The only people you knew were from your team and from Ashton’s band, but even then they turned into more acquaintances given just how little time they seemed to spend in the city.

And maybe Ashton knew that. Maybe he was trying to fix that and give you some opportunities to mix with his group of friends; something you’ve been wanting to do since you moved here all those years ago. Still, something fell… off about all of this.

After the guys talked a little bit more, finally Andrew invited you in. There, you found a group of people you’ve never met hanging around the living room. Plastic cups and ashtrays were scattered around the room as a tinted, light smoke served to decorate the place and give you just an idea of the state of most attendees.

As you walked by, people started to come up to Ash, greeting him and spending a few minutes catching up. Not one of them turned to look at you for more than a second or even gave you the courtesy to say hi. Ashton didn’t seem to notice it at first, but there would come the rare occasion that he would introduce you to some of the groups that started forming around him.

It was not a rare sight for you. Back in school he was the popular one, always friendly with countless people you didn’t even see around school that often.

“This is Y/N, she’s here promoting her new album!” He’d say.

“Wait, I know you!” One of the strangers said, their smile totally welcoming “Taylor Swift gave you a few shout-outs recently, didn’t she?”

You smiled “Yeah! I had a chat with her at a label party a few days back. She’s amazing. We talked about collabing soon, maybe a writing session next time she flies out to the U.K”

“Damn, that’s awesome! I’m Laura, by the way” They said, extending her hand toward you “Ash, why didn’t you bring her along on one of our trips?”

Ashton chuckled “C’mon L, well…”

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s our style. No offense” A guy next to them said. You frowned

“What do you mean?” You smiled awkwardly “Have you heard my songs before or-?”

“Nah, it ain’t that. It’s just- We don’t go Taylor Swift’s style”

You could feel your heart beating loudly inside your chest as you looked between Ashton and the other guy, hoping that Ash would intervene “But I’m not Taylor”

Once again you looked toward Ash, but his eyes were cast down to the bottle of beer that he held in his hands. You couldn’t help the disappointment that came over you then.

“Hey man, not cool” Laura said, locking your arms together as they pulled you away “Don’t mind him, he’s high out his mind right now. C’mon, let’s get a bit drunk”

They took you to the main couches and sat next to you. Your cheeks were a bit red from the humiliation. How could you have expected Ashton to defend you? He said it before that your music didn’t go with his vibes and that it was not really his thing, so why would he help you now?

“Those guys can be assholes sometimes. I love them, but they’re so…” Laura trailed off, looking over at you “But hey, forget about them. Tell me a little bit about yourself, how do you know Ash?”

You ended up telling them your whole story. About how you met when you were kids and how he was your best friend. How lonely you felt when he moved away the first time. And how excited you were to see him again after your big break, but that life got in the way. You probably told them more than you should’ve, but the drinks were soft and the room was crowded. And for the first time in the evening someone was actually willing to listen, curious to know you rather than know about you.

“That seems like a whole adventure” They smiled, “And when was the last time you saw Ash before deciding to come and stay with him?”

It wasn’t that long ago, a year or so earlier, when you gave a secret concert in London when you released your last album. He was standing in the corner, smiling at you as you sang. It was the first time since you told him you were moving a couple of years prior. You both kept following each other on social media, but that was pretty much it when it came to your relationship. And you were good with it.

You knew they were in the U.K for their tour, Michael and Crystal had asked you for drinks during that same week and you had a great time catching up. So, against your mind’s warning, you started to hope you would run to him soon enough. And when he appeared at the concert, you couldn’t help but smile back.

Afterwards, when you were back in the green room, you asked if he was still out there and to invite him over to chat. But no one from your team saw him; apparently he was already gone by the time you went off the stage. You remember waiting until you went home to allow yourself to cry, even for just a few minutes. That small interaction that seemingly never happened opened the wound back again. And, if you were honest with yourself, that was one of the main reasons why you decided to take on his offer to stay with him. But you didn’t say that.

“I don’t know,” You told them instead, as your eyes landed on Ashton standing a few feet away from you, a lighted joint between his lips as he laughed with people that you haven’t seen before “Since I moved to Scotland, I think. A while before, probably”

If Laura saw the sadness in your eyes, they never mentioned it. They just said “Okay, I think you should be a little bit drunker, my friend”

Hours later you were alone and tipsy sitting at the front porch of Andrew’s home, nursing a cigarette between your fingers.

“I didn’t know you smoked” A voice came from behind you.

You sighed, putting the filter in between your lips and taking a long hit before you let the smoke get lost into the night.

“You’re mad.” Ashton said, sitting next to you

“And you’re high”

“So we’re both telling the truth tonight” He chuckled, you didn’t “When did you pick up this habit?”

“I don’t know,” You answer honestly. “It was better than drinking myself to death back in Australia. It helps with my anxiety”

“What do you-”

“Alcohol makes you fat.” You deadpanned as you took another hit “I didn’t want my mom to have yet another reason for her nagging”

“Y/N-”

“But she’s not here so,” You passed him your empty cup, still not looking at him “Bring me another one, please?”

Ashton sighed “I think you had enough,”

“You will just never stop making decisions for me, are you?” You stood up, killing the cigarette after one last blow “I know what I’m doing, Ash. I’m a fucking adult, if you haven’t realized. I don’t need you to tell me what to do”

His eyes widened. He parted his lips as if to say something, looking over his shoulder back at the party. You rolled your eyes.

“Don’t worry, your friends can’t listen to what I’m saying. Your reputation will still be intact and they will still love everything that comes out of your mouth”

“Hey,” Ashton said with a bit of a bark “Don’t talk about them like that”

You pressed your lips on a tight smile, looking at him as your eyes filled with tears. You couldn’t believe that he was defending them like that from just a simple comment, but left you completely alone when they were making worse comments at you.

“Fuck, Y/N” He said, frustrated “I’m trying here, you know? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore! You don’t want to talk to me, you moved across the world. You still talk to the guys-”

“They’re my friends,”

“I was your friend too!” He shouted, surprising you “And I want this to work. I want you here, with me. But if you don’t want to be here and go back to your fucking hotel- I want us to work!”

“Why am I here, Ash?”

“C’mon, don’t be like that! I just wanted you to meet a few people, celebrate your new album-”

“Yet none of them cared to get to know me, nor you to introduce me and actually wanting to celebrate with me” You took a deep breath and sighed “Give me the keys to the house, I want to leave”

Ashton shook his head.

“You’re angry. I get that”

“No, Ash. I’m tired and I want to go to bed” You said more firmly this time “Give me the keys and I’ll call an Uber”

“I’ll take you!”

“The fuck you aren’t” You laughed, not a hint of humor in your voice “You’re high with more than just weed apparently. I’m drunk. I would rather not fucking die tonight, thank you”

“I’m not going to-”

“I don’t want you to! Okay? Fuck, Ash! I don’t feel safe around you!”

You saw the ways his eyes changed, how hurt they looked so suddenly at your words. You knew you wounded him, but it was how you felt. You didn’t trust him, not tonight.

“Y/N…” He said, getting up and walking over to you but you took a step back. He sighed, roaming around his pockets before he found his keys and gave them to you “Text me when you get there, leave the keys by the potted tree”

You answered him with a nod and a small thank you. You didn’t watch him as he turned away and walked by to the house. You didn’t hear Laura, who was watching over from the window, tell him:

“I don’t know what you did, man. But I’ve never seen anyone with such sadness in her eyes”

Damn, who are we right now? Can we have a little conversation? Figure it out with no intoxication We carry on, what is our motivation?

You woke up when you heard footsteps outside of your door. You knew it was him waiting outside, probably debating on whether or not to knock on your door, wanting to talk. There were times in the past where he would just open the door to your room and sit down on the floor next to your bed, waiting for you to start talking or acknowledge him so that he could apologize or talk things through. Sometimes you didn’t need to say anything, you just understood each other. And as he walked away without a word, you wondered where did all those times go?

Where was the friend that would go out with you and wait on the street for a cab to take you home, no matter whom he was with or what you were doing. Where was the friend that when you snuck out to your first concert, he held you close by the waist and covered your body so that none of the beer that people were throwing around got into your clothes or hair. What happened to the friend that would stay awake chatting with you on the phone even though you had an exam early the next morning, all because the guy you liked broke your heart.

Tears rolled down your face as you tossed and turned on the bed. It wasn’t fair, your heart kept begging your brain to understand. It wasn’t fair that you had to lose it all without a warning.

Once upon a time, you thought you had it all as long as Ashton was there. Now, you begin to miss the times where he wasn’t. Times where you learned to be happy without him, where you didn’t need him or his approval. Times where you felt complete even though your best friend was not around anymore. You were better off without him, and learned to live without him. You knew that to be the truth. But one just can’t ignore the past and the mystery of how the person that makes you feel such horrible things about yourself once promised to give you the world and its stars and meant it.

You just couldn’t figure it out. So you just forced yourself to go back to sleep.

When you woke up again a few hours later and made your way to the kitchen, you found freshly made coffee and bagels waiting for you on the counter with a little note next to them:

“I’m sorry, can we talk about it later? XX Ash”

You sighed as you wiped out the tears that clung to your eyelashes. You took a sip of the coffee and found comfort in the heat of the mug.

On the other side of town, Ashton was doing the same thing. His eyes were covered behind dark sunglasses as he thought of what to say once he got home. In front of him, Calum can’t say that he’s impressed from what he’s heard.

“What’s your deal?” He asked his friend.

“I- I don’t know” Ashton answered, biting the inside of his cheek “I thought she would have a good time. She was always cool at coming to those types of parties with me back home, we used to have fun”

“You and I both know she hates parties, and back home she had you. The normal, probably tipsy you, to keep her company” Calum said, taking a bite out of his sandwich “Last week I found her sitting alone while the rest of the world was having a conversation around her. We talked and it was nice, she’s not normally that outgoing on the get-go. She never was”

“You saw her last week?”

“We were invited to Gabriel’s cocktail party. You didn’t want to go, as usual”

“You never told me that-”

“What? That we’re still in contact? Dude, we all talk to her from time to time. We mention her in our conversations every now and then. She’s still our friend”

Ashton sighed, “So she just hates me for no reason?”

“You truly think that Y/N L/N could hate you?” Calum chuckled, “That girl would’ve followed you straight to the end of the world back in Aus. As far as I know, there’s only one person she truly hated”

“Who?” Ashton scoffed “I’m pretty sure our politics teacher was not so bad”

“What? No, Ash-” Calum shook his head “Remember when-” His face went blank “Oh shit,”

“What?”

“You didn’t know?”

Tell me that it's all okay You ruined everything good I've been waitin' on this all damn day Always said you were misunderstood Call me in the morning', tell me how last night went I'm here, but don't count on me to Just fucking leave me alone

He found you sitting outside in one of his garden chairs. A cigarette was hanging from your fingertips as the ashes fell on the floor in a small pile. You didn’t look back at him, for your eyes were staring at the moon that decorated the sky with its beauty.

You felt him come outside and sit on the chair next to you. The sound of a lighter made you blink, and you sighed at his exhale. There was no way he was doing this sober, and you couldn’t blame him. Yet…

“I was hoping we could talk without any of that” You said. “You have your ways and I have mines”

Silence fell over the two of you once again. You could feel his eyes burning holes into your profile, but you didn’t have the courage to look at him just yet.

“When did I stop being your best friend?” He asked.

Tears quickly covered your eyes and you hated that. “Probably around the time when you stopped being mine”

“Y/N-”

“You held me, once. Not the usual hugs that we gave each other, no. This one was different. We were at school, an overnight vigil that the nuns made us do every year”

“Those were fun,” He commented “A huge sleepover at school”

“The theme was about lost ones, remember? I had just lost my grandma that past week”

“I wasn’t at the funeral, I was away on a trip to the city. She was the one that taught you how to bake”

“Yeah,” You chuckled. “Though, I was never good at it once she passed. Anyway, of course I started crying. I’ve already lost so many people back then, and I was barely hanging on. But then - then you held me, so tightly. And my tears left a damp stamp on your shirt. You cradled me and brushed my hair with your fingers and whispered “It’ll be okay, you can cry. It’s okay” and kissed my head as they started to sing. You sang as well and never said a thing about it afterwards. That was the moment I knew I couldn’t have loved you more”

The sound of a cricket broke your monologue, and you allowed yourselves to be fed into the sounds of nature for a while. You knew there were still things left unsaid, so you better get over with it now rather than later. You didn’t want to stay for the aftermath.

“Remember the first time you came back to Australia? I was still living there in the house we grew up in. I was having a shitty day at work, so I went to grab a coffee at our favorite coffee shop with other coworkers when a few of our old friends and classmates came through the door. We said our hellos and caught up, it was nice. Then they had to go. “Who’s coming with me to Ash’s house?” One of them said. I remember asking about it as they argued over who had to take the bus or a cab. They told me you were coming back that day and have invited people over to celebrate”

“Y/N,”

“You invited them. Even people I didn’t know that well and that I know for a fact didn’t know you as well. And don’t try to tell me it was a guys thing, cause you invited girl classmates as well”

Ashton opened his mouth to say something, yet nothing came out. “I was numb as I took a taxi home. I still remember that the radio played “Waiting for Superman” as I tried my hardest not to cry. But when I got into the kitchen, I just couldn’t stop. I cried myself to sleep that night knowing that you were just a door away but didn’t want me there”

“Y/N, I wanted you there” He said, putting his hand on your arm as he leaned closer “I - I know I can’t say anything to fix it now but- I missed you, too”

“It didn’t seem like it” You told him “Every time I learned something about you back then was through a story or a tweet. I learned through the paparazzi who you were with and in which city you were going to sleep next. I saw you living your best life with your friends away from home. And, I get it, we both resented that place and all that we suffered while we were there. I just - I just hoped that my memory was something worth saving, cause my memory of you always was and will always be the best thing that’s happened to me while we were there”

You turned to him and looked him in the eyes “It just hurt to know that while I put you on a pedestal, I was already out of your sight”

“Baby, you know that’s not true” You scoffed “I swear! In my memory, you were always there! Front of the line!”

“Then why-?”

“I was scared, okay?!” He shouted, lowering his eyes in shame “So fucking scared and it’s so stupid!”

“Scared of what?!” You shouted back, willing for him to look you in the eyes “Ashton, for god’s sake just tell me!”

“They told me that you liked me!”

For a moment time stood still. You backed away from him as his words started to make sense. You pulled away your arm, letting his hand grasp the space that you left between the two of you.

“What?”

“People started whispering,” He said, his voice broken as if he were crying “Telling me how good of a couple we could be. How happy you were with me and how in love you looked”

“When was it?”

“At the beginning of our senior year” Ashton admitted, ashamed “I- I already knew that I wanted to get out of Australia. I knew that with the guys we could take the band somewhere massive. So I put my whole soul into it, trying to escape the feelings that would pull me back”

“You thought I was pulling you back” You stated, betrayed.

“No! I was pulling myself back by thinking about it!” Ashton said, finally looking at you and hating the way you were looking at him “I couldn’t risk it”

“Couldn’t risk what?! That I could have feelings for you?!” You stood up “You’re unbelievable! You could’ve asked me! Come to me instead of running away and make me lose part of myself in the process. Parts that I can’t take back, that I can’t love back because of you”

“Y/N!” He tried reaching out to you, but you took a step back.

“No!”

“Y/N, please! Just-!”

He grabbed you by the elbow and pulled you to him. The movement made you lose your balance, tripping over your feet as Ashton maneuvered you to land on top of his lap, holding you by your waist.

The sudden proximity made you lose all the air inside your lungs as you looked at him and his hazel eyes surrounded by red. He looked desperate, pleading with his eyes for something you couldn’t understand. He was breathing hard, his chest colliding against yours where your heartbeats were going as fast as your thoughts. Almost impossible to catch up.

Then, almost without thinking, Ashton launched himself forward and pressed his lips on yours.

The softness of the kiss contrasted the chills that ran up and down your bodies. As you gasped for air, his hand came to tangle itself on your hair, pulling you closer to him as you allowed him to deepen the kiss. He sat back on the chair and pulled you with him, making your legs spread at either side of his hips; never once letting you go as he kissed you over and over again, like a man deprived of something more.

“Y/N,” He whimpered against your lips, making you sigh as his hands roamed your body until they landed on your hips, moving them against lower half “Y/N, please”

Your mind was clouded in smoke, feeling the heat of his kiss along the length of your neck. His words whispered your name, as his movements on your hips became erratic, letting you feel all of him under you.

“Please, please Y/N” He said, kissing and kissing and kissing every part he could find “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”

Suddenly, you opened your eyes as you jumped back to reality. Putting a hand on his chest and pulling away from him. Both of you were left panting, as your skin tingled from the contact.

Ashton’s eyes were desperate, looking at you in fear of what you might do. His lips - you imagined - were a mirror of yours, plumb and beat red as your name escaped him in the form of a question. You closed your eyes and let a tear fall across your cheek as you shook your head.

“You don’t get to do this to me” Your voice, a whisper.

“What?” He asked, almost out of breath. But you were already getting off him and turning your step back to the house.

“You don’t get to do this to me!” You yelled through the tears “You don’t get to confuse me all over again. You don’t get to have a half-ass apology followed by a kiss that would make it all better!” You turned to him, poking a finger on his chest “You don’t get to make me hate myself all over again for loving you when you didn’t think it was convenient for you!”

“Y/N!” Ashton pleaded, taking your hand in his before you yanked it away “I’m sorry! I wasn’t thinking-!”

“Exactly! You weren’t thinking! You never, not once, thought of me during all of this. Fucking admit it! Trying to get me to come here to patch things up was just such bullshit! You just wanted to make sure that I was still available for you any time you wanted! And don’t say it isn’t fair cause you were not aware of how miserable you made me!”

“That’s not true-”

“Was this just a plot to get me to bed?! Is that what you think of me now?!”

“It’s not true!” Ashton yelled “I know I made a mistake and I’m so fucking sorry! I should’ve never-! Look, I want to patch things up. You were right, goddammit, Y/N, you were right! It took me a long time to realize and fuck! After you moved away I was fucking miserable as well! I- I failed you”

You stood there in front of him, crying silently as he paced desperately.

“Ashton,” You called to him “Ashton, why am I here?”

Suddenly, he stopped and looked at you “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

“About what?”

“For fuck’s- About the fact that you were abused, Y/N!” He yelled, leaving you speechless “Right after I left! Why didn’t you say anything?!”

You swallowed hard “It was none of your business-”

“You told Calum” He accused “You told Calum and you never told me. Why? Maybe it was not just me who was a shitty friend to you, after all, if you were going to keep things like that from me”

“How fucking dare you, Ashton Irwin. How fucking dare you?” You pushed him away “I told Calum by mistake! I didn’t mean to do it and it was years after it happened. And because I didn’t think you would care!”

“What?” He broke down, putting his hands on his knees for balance as he looked at you in tears “How- Why would you think that?”

“Because it’s the truth,” You cried “Just like you said, you had big dreams and a massive opportunity and I was just going to pull you back. Ashton, you just justified everything I thought it was true with that sentence”

“Y/N-”

“Do you think I had a good time? Knowing that my best friend, the only person I cared about in the world didn’t give a fuck about me to even ask how I was doing? So if you really wanna know… I don’t relate to you anymore. I don’t. I don’t want to think about what we had anymore because it just makes me fucking sad. I thought the world of you. Ash, you were my everything. I loved you, as a friend. I loved you, as the sun loves the moon even when it’s gone. I loved you with every prayer, every pleading, every move I made was for that one day I could be with you again, anyway that you would have me. I would’ve died a thousand times next to you, just as long as you kept me company. I didn’t care about what could happen to me. And when something happened, I tried to spare you from it, even when you never once asked. Fuck! I moved to L.A and this is the first time I’ve been in your house!”

“That’s-”

“I wish I could explain it better, I wish it wasn’t true. I wish we could’ve resolved this somehow, but let’s be honest. There is no bridge to burn when we're already so far away. And those memories? From all those years back? Now it all feels like a lie and don’t you dare say otherwise. You’re not the person I once knew, Ash. The person I once knew would’ve never invited me here to leave me alone at a party with people I don’t know, saying a cute lie about how it was for me when in reality it was to make you look a certain way. The person I once knew would’ve never made me feel like nothing every time we were at an event together and you couldn’t even say hi. The person I once knew would’ve never let their “friends” disrespect me in any way. The Ashton I knew wouldn’t have tried to make me feel sad. He wouldn’t have made me so miserable to be in my own skin because they’re not brave enough to face the music he so highly speaks about. You never once showed support for what I do once I became my own person. You never once called to ask how I was. You never once believed in me as much as I believed in you. You made me hate this city. But even more, you made me hate everything I used to love about us. Now I meet someone new and wondered if it’ll be like what we had. You ruined me, Ash. And you never apologized for it”

Ashton was shaking his head, crying as he listened to what you had to say.

After you had your feelings heard, you didn’t walk away or ran through the door so that you could escape the aftermath like you did back in December all those years ago. You were not going to run away again. Not when your heart finally felt light from all the things you’ve been carrying.

You and Ashton cried in silence, each one at one side of the room.

The two of you couldn’t help but wonder what had happened and why did it end up like this? You could play the blaming game; pretend this never happened; you could walk out and never see each other again; or, you could just stand there, waiting, digesting the sour words that fell from both your lips and think, think of anything that could be saved.

“What are we going to do?” Ashton finally asked, voice hoarse from the crying.

“I don’t know,” You answered in all honesty “It’s like we only play to lose”

“Every time,” He said, looking at you and giving a small chuckle. “Every time I see you it just hurts. Not for anything you’ve done, but for everything that I could’ve done but didn’t”

“Maybe it was for the best to have it end this way”

“But… I don’t want it to.” Ashton admitted in a whisper “Now that you’re here… I kept on failing cause I wanted to prove to myself that I still knew you”

You laughed “Who are we, Ash?” you asked “A girl that chases over the past and a boy with the excuse?”

“How the hell we’re going to make it?”

“Maybe we don’t” You shrugged “Maybe we’re just meant to be passing figures on the street. People we once knew. We can’t go back from this, Ash, and you know it. We’re just going to keep hurting each other”

Ashton nodded, walking over to you as you let yourself be embraced by a hug.

“I love you, Y/N. I will always love you”

“Terribly” You murmured against his chest “I will love you all my life, Ash. And I’ll miss you forever”

“Tell me that it’ll be okay? Please?”

You smiled and placed a small kiss on his chest, and held him tighter. And he knew.

He knew.

*

*

tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @hoodhoran @hoodharlow @littledrummeraussie @irwin-fletcher-ash @wiiildflowerrr @another-lonely-heart @aabc5sauce @in-superbloom @sadcupofcoffee @personalmuyverypersonal @as-hs-blog @himbohood @sofiaaraee @irwindoll @weasleytwinscumslut @fairytrice @colourfulcal @nibin0912 @youneedtocalumdown @heyitskelseaj @ashtonsunflower @calumspupils@secretsicanthideanymore @alltimesos @wontlastimokwiththat @whywontyoulovemecami @theimpossiblehologramtree @perriexed @abiancajg @rewmuslupin @icelily13 @bookthingz @gracieboogirl @fastandtheformula1 @lendeluxe

[brb-on-a-quest]

Day Fourteen Day Fifteen Day Sixteen

im SOOOOO SORRY that I left you guys hanging those two days! *cries* the first one I genuinely forget, and the second I was too busy to do it- and I think that this is not the first time this might happen, since the farm (oh yeah, if you're not one of my regular followers, you should know I'm a farmhand lol) is picking up steam, during my down time Im trying to do more physical rest for my body to recover. which means unfortuantely, Ive been spending less time on here in general, and that my longer posts that take more time to write have had to pause for a while.

so, I'm sorry to say but this is the last day i'll be able to do this for a while, but maybe forever. I've had so much fun with it and loved to see everybody's different answers, and how we've all connected!! but for at least a few days/weeks, I need a bit of a break lol. if anyone wants to pick up this game again, with the same list of people I've given already or different ones, you are more than welcome to! and I'm not leaving Tumblr, I'm just not going to do this particular ask game anymore.

our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

thank all of you so much! I hope to return again maybe sometime! I wish you all the best :)

Awww no worries gracie! take care of yourself first. Def appreciate all the work it must've taken to come up with good questions. I'll be sure to haunt your inbox soon with hopefully some equally thought-provoking (or not) questions.

ok, actual question: our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

To be honest, this question has haunted me for the past...well since before high school. (has it really been almost 10 years since I was a baby highschool freshman?). To be also perfectly honest, my depression and anxiety were so bad I was never convinced I would make it as far as I did... which allowed me to put off answering the question for a long while until the Hour of College Applications approached.

Well, against all previous conceptions of my future, I am still alive and about to graduate in December (literally how) and set to walk across the beautiful stage in May to get my undergrad diploma with some kind of academic honors (I forget the Latin for it). Definitely not the highest GPA, but I am relatively proud of myself considering the effort and, for lack of a better phrase, blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into this. So, steps that need to happen in order to graduate

Pass classes (Preferably with A's but I'm also in a position where hopefully my self-esteem won't die with a B or 2).

Write and Finish my thesis (shaking crying throwing up I don't have enough capacity for this even if it's only 15 pages in Spanish)

Study and hopefully pass a GRE (graduate school readiness exam I think? 'cuz I'm told it's a good idea for master's school applications I can not stress enough how much I hate standardized tests and am so anxious about this that I haven't even opened my books yet, I've just been throwing myself into thesis research instead; I 'know not all schools require this but I'm going into something that's not my major, so I feel some kind of need to prove myself).

Apply to graduate schools for counseling!

Only four things... it shouldn't be so bad.... one would think... (can I please just skip to the part where this is over why do people call college the best years of my life).

The other thing I want to work on is just being a better person and in particular a better friend. My goal is therapy, particularly pediatric therapy because it's such a neglected area where I'm from and also in general I think because there tends to be stereotypes of "oh children can't have mental health problems." but doing that means I want to develop more compassion, friendliness, and patience and gentleness and actual listening skills while being assertive...yk an environment that nurtures personal and other's growth. Which is really hard. Progress has been made but still more to go.

[someones-here-for-sure]

Hey I saw your vent post and I hope you don't mind if I try to help. I'm in my 20s but what you wrote really sounds like what I went through in high school. A lot of people feel similarly, so you're not alone. There's varying degrees of severity of course, and everyone's ability to cope with the feelings is different too. Through trial and error you have to find what methods work for you. I wont lie, it's hard and can be overwhelming, especially with everything else going on when you're a teenager. But as cheesy as this sounds, it really does get better. It's not linear, sometimes you take a step forward, a step back, three steps forward, four steps back, and then twelve steps forward. I really wish I could go back and tell my lonely, self loathing teenage self who didn't have a reason to live that I'd meet a group of amazing friends at age 23, and that at age 25 I'm living with my best friend/love of my life, and our cat. Like a neverending sleepover. I have hobbies I enjoy and an apartment that's mine.

I'll be honest that I'm still in the process of figuring out my mental health too. But I'm miles ahead of where I was as a teen and it doesn't feel as hopeless.

Some things that help me when I'm overwhelmed is focusing on my basic body needs. Often I realize I haven't had water today or ate anything or left the house. It's easier to make my mind feel better once I take care of those. I hate going on walks but sometimes the change of scenery is a game changer if I'm spiraling. Food can be tough to stomach sometimes but I have explored different options, and often if I drink a protein shake it's easier than chewing and better than nothing, or junk food. (Premier Protein chocolate shakes taste like chocolate milk imo) And of course drinking water is important. I always forget/I'm craving soda, so I put Vitamin C fizzy stuff in my water to give it that fizz and flavor it in a healthy way.

When I didnt know what to do to feel better, seeing a therapist regularly helped. When I felt alone and hopeless, going to outpatient intensive group therapy helped me see there's others who relate. Opening up to my family and friends helped too, but I know not everyone has the luxury. Thinking about things I enjoy, like shows or games or treats or activities, also helps when I'm spiraling.

Hang in there. Being a teenager is the hardest thing I've ever done, so I get how you're struggling, but you only have to do it once. Then the world opens up. It can be more overwhelming, yes, but also freeing. I can take steps to make life easier for myself. I know that ten years from now I'll probably wish I could go back and tell my twenty-something self it gets better. And in ten years you will probably feel the same.

Sorry for the novel, I hope the advice helps some. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Find joy in the little things. <3

Thank you so much for the advice,I really need it right now. I genuinely appreciate you so much. I hope you have a good forvervee because you deserve it so much.

[selvesdiscovery]

hi, i'm putting this on anon because people i know are highly anti-endo and i don't wanna out myself as being pro-endo. if you want to delete this feel free btw since i know fusion is a touchy subject for some systems

we're a system. we've been diagnosed with DID and told to see a specialist. said therapist who diagnosed us and referred us out is advising we peruse final fusion. we would do it... except the only reason why we would is because we fear nobody would ever like us the way we are (we're a very independent and private system. other than the host, all dating and such is done in system and kicking the host out of front is rare).

do you have any advice on that? i'm sure it eventually gets easier but i'm not sure how to make it easier. do you have any resources and advice on getting comfortable with being a system, and being comfortable sharing that with people (both other systems and singlets)?

thank you. just delete this if it's against the rules or if it makes you uncomfortable :) your comfort is important too

Hi! Thank you so much for reaching out.

This question isn't too sensitive or anything like that, and I see stuff like this a lot in the system world. Even I myself have dealt with similar issues.

What really helped me was 'coming out' to only a few really close friends. It gave us the space to talk about what goes on inside our head, and be honest about who we are.

Ofc, this isn't super helpful if you dont have really close friends. The second best thing I can suggest from personal experience is participating in the system community, either here on Tumblr or on Discord or wherever else, and working on being progressively more open there.

Those are both really vague and I'm sorry about that, the only thing we really personally needed to come out of our shell was trust, either already pre-existing or built from watching others live the same way as us.

Something else that really helps us personally when trying to get more comfortable with ourselves OUTSIDE of a social context, is encouraging the others to find their own way. That's why we made this blog actually. The best way to become comfortable both socially and personally with being a system is to foster a space for every headmate to live their most authentic life as fully as possible.

If you can, try inviting your alters to front with you, to try out new things that AREN'T related to trauma, therapy, or journalling (If you don't have a journal already, I suggest you look into that first and foremost). If you can't, you could always just wait until you cofront naturally to bring this up with them. Your headmates are people too, and the best way to make THEM stop feeling like less than or like something to be ashamed of is to help them grow.

As for your therapist, it sounds like she doesn't have your& best interest in mind. If you can, I'd look for someone who's comfortable with both fusion AND functional multiplicity as options, and can help you find the way you truly want to follow way better than I, some stranger on the internet, ever could.

Lastly, a fair disclaimer, DONT go about doing any of these things if you think you or your alters might not be entirely ready. If you happen to be newly discovered as a system, it might be good to take some time to learn about one another at a nice slow pace, first, before jumping into anything else. Be very careful, as much as selves discovery and branching out and growing as people is important to being happy how you are, it can be dangerous to some systems in certain situations.

I could understand though how these things may not be what your looking for, but since I don't have a ton of information on your personal experience I can't really get any more specific. If you're looking for more specific resources, I'd encourage personalized research, or going to a professional with your concerns, since the most I really have for this sort of thing is personal experience.

Either way, I wish you luck, and I genuinely hope you can find people who accept you as you are, and help you in your journey to grow. You& got this!

[firecaptainphoenix]

Dear person I like,

Phoenix tapped his fingers over the small journal, he rarely used it. It had been more for when he was in therapy, he still occasionally wrote in it. Mostly small updates to Bradley, it had been his idea after all. Occasionally he did letters to people in his life like Jay, Falco, Clara, and Dahlia, some that maybe one day he'd send them.

Opening it up he could think of one person he hadn't written to in a while. Starting by writing out their name and beginning the letter.

Hey, kind of feels weird writing you a letter when I see you so much. Probably see you more than I do any of my brothers if I'm honest. Sometimes I wish I could be more honest with you, you remind me of him you know? I get that same feeling around you, you feel like Summer like he did. It's a different type of Summer but it still feels warm. Feel like I don't really know how to explain that to you, wish I could. I don't try to think about what that could mean, but maybe some day I can try and you can help. I guess we'll see, I just.... thanks for being my friend you know?

-Phoenix

[l1e1n1i1]

my job has opened my eyes to the type of mother i want to be and know i can be, i cant help but feel bad for the child inside of me. i wish i could have protected myself. i wish i could have felt loved. i find my job incredibly healing, i wish i could end the day in a home that aligned with the healing i feel, but its almost like i enter into this house ive lived in my entire life, the same home ive endured most of the worst moments of my life, and i and a zombie.

this is the same bedroom that broke me as a child, that i tried to end my life in as a teen, that i was beaten and raped in right as i entered adulthood, and then continued the cycle in. my brain goes from enjoying my day, laughing at funny videos on my phone, to looking at a spot on my wall and sinking back into the things i wish i could forget.

since my toe was broken i have been thinking about going to the hospital for a mental health break. and honestly, if i could take my phone with me to simply answer work texts, i might be more inclined. i want so badly to open up completely. i will never forget the time in planned parenthood when i had one of the abortions i had with a (who knows what fucking number) and the social worker was asking the typical questions. "are you here because you want to be, are you being forced to be here, etc etc." and everything was fine until she asked me if i have been forced to have sex and have been hit and she started crying and that was one of the moments that really opened my eyes like holy shit im making this woman cry by simply answering yes, maybe i should reevaluate. its one thing to hear friends tell you that you deserve better. when you grow up in therapy since age 6 being told everything is your fault it kind of means a lot to have someone validate you.

then i had to talk to someone else, she apologized and suddenly im in a new office with a different woman being given resources and thanking god.

too bad i was so fucking naive calling all the numbers leaving messages practically begging for help and nobody returned the calls. and maybe i should have kept trying but its really hard to continue trying when the cops take his side and im getting told hes making mistakes and im to blame.

and then with j this past summer in 2024 i was pregnant. hated myself because a few months prior i could have had s but of course kept the cycle going. read a book about domestic abuse "survivors" and you will get my entire story. it's pretty humbling and saddening to realize that i am living the same life as so many women, and sadly i am lucky for not being killed (am i though?)

had to get an abortion, planned parenthood. was kind of thanking god for the few days leading up, considering he kept putting his hands on me. my mistake was getting the first appointment. i guess they doing have social workers that early or something. got beaten and then went to bed, cried but told myself i cant have a baby with someone that hurts me, especially as i am carrying the chlid, and told myself that i could open up with the social worker in the morning.

woke up to us fighting. why do my parents never hear it? they didnt hear a beat me they dont hear j beat me? (meanwhile when i talk to s on the phone december 2024 my mom tells me she can hear my laughing and its too loud? broke my heart to think maybe she does hear the stuff in my room and ignores it. ignores her daughter getting thrown to the floor and punched.)

we fought and he told me he wouldnt take me to get the abortion. i cried and begged. had 2 big bumps on my head from where he punched me. told myself in just 1 hour i would be telling someone what i'm going through. maybe i could have some hope again, be the type of girl to call for help and leave messages.

but i had the first appointment. didnt get those questions. didnt have the chance. i thought about saying something when i was on the table getting fentanyl through the iv, because i had to be awake during it. then i was too out of it and i dont remember anything. i wish i said it and could remember. i wish i could feel the words float off of my chest. even as i type this i feel a bit lighter, it sucks to hold it all in. but i am so ashamed. and honestly after going through everything with a i should just be grateful im not scared of being killed,

i told myself if i was with s i wouldnt be dealing with that. maybe i would have to get an abortion, who knows, but he would never punch me when i was pregnant. at least, i dont think so. so scary to think i could be so easily tricked and trapped into the same cycle and with guy number three it would be so much harder to leave.

maybe a month later we had another fight. broken toe and stitches for me. lots of apologies. my brain thought about s. i wouldnt have a broken toe if i was with s.

[iamearthangeluk]

it's been a while

i'll be turning 30 this year. i haven't been on tumblr since i was 15 and it is satiating the inner child in me. maybe i'll correct my grammar btu who fucking cares. it feels so good to be here again.

hello tumblr. you're going to like having me around again.

i've come back with 14 years of wisdom, of pain and beauty. i've needed this space to vent to you and God it feels good.

i don't care where anything goes, and unlike most of this fucked up world, i don't care if anyone reads it or cares about it. it's just me and you now. hello again.

i feel drunk it feels so good. hearing the tapping on the keys. the words spilling out of me as if no thought is ever needed. like i'm possessed by the spirit of art.

Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth." - Pablo Picasso

should i add a hashtag? no that's what the new plague of capitalism wants me to do. it wants me to suckle on the teet of recognition, of searching and yearning for others like me. there is no one like me and i will never find them. and i love it. i love being so disgustingly misunderstood and so rejected. so ignored. so hated and hurt. i'm so thankful for that pain. i'm so grateful for the art. i'm here again. i've missed you.

when i was 15 i couldn't give too shits if anyone saw what i wrote, if they even got a like. and here we are in this world of "look at me, look at me" it makes me sick.

i'm going to hide here for a while. just me and the words i won't speak just yet because how can i speak the same words i write? you can't do that. it's impossible. if i read this aloud it would take away the point of it all. it would become mundane and lifeless. much like the shit spilling out of social media. much like the brainwashing of others that make them create daily posts, add hashtags and strip ourselves bare of any reality of ourselves. who is even real anymore? am i?

i've delved into the darkness so many times and many have said it's not healthy. go get therapy. never will i ever. i will never shave away the pain because i like the way it feels. i like to stare it straight in the face like a friend i fucking love to hate. like a persons face you can't stop staring at because the feeling it gives you is so beautifully disturbing. because i know, deep down, i want to. it's a part of being human.

i can scream what i want from the rooftops in here.

[my space key is squeaking joyfully]

anything is art these days - the days of Pablo Picasso and Frida Kahlo are well and truly over but art does live on. it lives on in the people that will never be found. people that are stifled and lost. people like me. maybe i will be famous after i die. maybe my words will be found amongst the data that keeps on piling up. when will it all break down?

i write in notebooks, on paper, i paint on canvas. i sing to myself. i bake. i smoke cigarettes and walk around naked. my body is art. my sheer existence. my beingness.

no one will innerstand my inner desires that play with my inner demons. i am with God and He innerstands my need for pain, for darkness, for demons. He accepts me as i am because he knows the only harm i can cause is to myself but don't worry God, i'm here to play, to live. although many times in my life, i wanted nothing more than to cease to exist, for Him to take it all away, even the spirit that connects me to the ether. i wanted someone to care, to love me, to see my dead body and to regret everything they ever did to me. but now i couldn't give a shit. i wish there was a harder swear word to encapsulate my feeling towards not wanting attention. not wanting love or acceptance. i don't want to be seen. i want to be left alone with all my personalities to create and to laugh alone in the open space. to scream at the horizon. i am free in this moment. who knows how long it will last but i'm here.

welcome back to the living.

[bradleysbradshaws]

Go to therapy. You think way too much about how others perceive you. It is not healthy. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. Focus on your mental health.

Thank you very much for the message. I do appreciate these acknowledgments that I even exist.

I don't think they are perceiving me, and it's fine. It's true that they may not actively hate me, but that I merely do not exist to them. I do know that I am definitely a case of "out of sight, out of mind."

That being said, I do have to prove myself, somehow. I am sure more people know of my situation now, but I was left truly with nothing and nobody. This is fandom, and I want to be able to participate in it again, somehow, if even in another much more difficult form. I would like to better my mental health, if only to help me be more productive in the things that I want to do to prove myself worthy of interaction to potential future new people. Being as distressed as I am has hindered that, I suppose.

I do know that most wish I would just give up on Roosmav - that the fact that I even love this pairing will forever be a thorn in their side. That is very sad to me, as these are the same people who used to treat me as friends, who used to have wonderful things to say about what I would create for Roosmav and them.

I respect that even interacting with the content I could create would be re-opening wounds for them, but I won't give up on Roosmav. I just can't. I have everything to give to them. I do love them as much - if not more - than most, because I take nothing for granted.

Again, thank you for the message. I do appreciate these little bits of interaction, even if it's to tell me things like this. I know it may seem like I'm taking fandom way too seriously, but I do have the most passion for them, and it's like I've been blinded, and people with vision can't understand why it's so hard for me when they themselves can see perfectly fine.

I really am completely shut out of everything - every bit of conversation, discourse, everything. And I don't want it to be like this forever.

[the-stove-is-divorced]

Glad we both enjoy hating omg.

AND YES! Istg the second that video dropped I watched it eagerly, I am such a Batman fan, ugh, if you're ever interested in him specifically, I'd heavily recommend Batman Animated Series, yearnful sigh. I miss when he's written well. And thank you! I appreciate this, I'm bound for a rewatch of this video, hehehe.

NO FR? Istg one of my BIGGEST pet peeves for lazy ass shipping is when OTHER characters have to comment on the relationship, as if it is in any way, shape, or form been properly conveyed as obvious to the audience. IT'S SO LAZY RAHHHHHH. Like you might as while have everyone calling them a couple and them blushing and saying NUH UH, and then never proceed to actually write them interested in each other, outside of predictable, boring commentary, WHICH IS OUT OF LEFT FIELD.

Rex and Eve are legit sm more interesting since they're supposed to be friends for years, then got together, and went through the same shit together. I'd legit rather than them than this. Why did Rex cheat? Why not explore any of these dynamics? Did Kate feel sidelined so she believed Eve and Rex were on a break? How shaky was their relationship?

Get this man in ethics, philosophy, therapy, and pysche classes istg. He truly needs college istg, bro needs education and awarenes. I do not believe he thought he actually thought of Eve, out of anything but guilt, if at ALL. This show feels like it's ACTIVELY trying to lie to me and it's not even doing it WELL? HELLO?

The villain opening was so dumb to me istg. Cecil's stuff I get why, but when it went back to why and justified why Cecil did what he did I wanted to roll my eyes. Like. I can assume why. I don't really need to see why. they're useful, and there's an unspoken GoG absence, yes? I get why Mark is opposed, sure, whatever. Can we use this time for anything else? If this show had more episodes and took things s l o w e r for once, it'd be more fitting to me. Otherwise? I don't care. Speaking of Oliver, they way he's better at fighting than Mark, like this is embarrassing. Mark lock in. Mark do better. Mark why is a child showing you up. WHY ARE EXPLICITLY SHOWN MARK IMPROVING AND THEN HE ACTS JUST AS SUCCESSFUL AS S1? HELLO?

I thought the fight against the underground monsters would be a great opportunity for him to be particularly lethal, like Omni-Man and actually show off some proper skills, and introduce Darkwing + Robots helping heros escape while he's distracted. Still can have Mark freak out, but people get reminded whose son he is. Casually shake off blood. Which we get later on (I wish it was cooler so bad, it's still my fav but with a hint of begrudging admittance), but I say why can't we have more feral Mark scenes? Why stop at one battle parallel with Nolan? Have him particularly lethal with monsters since he'll freak out over people, thinking of Angstrom! Let him mimic Nolan's efficiency and like casually dive through a monster's brain. Him freaking out when someone he cares about gets hurt is so dull to me, also? Did the venom work from the centipede????

GoG's breakup was truly so funny because none of these mfs have been meaningfully explored enough to make me shaken up that they're breaking up, or what that even means because their hero ecosystem isn't explored either! What's the stakes here? I don't get to see more dynamics I never got to see? I'm truly heart broken. Oh no. Also Immortal stay annoying me because bro truly invited himself, told everybody to stfu and get out to a team he decided he'd join back up again, and you're so correct he'd make a mf grovel to get back? Immortal don't be insufferable challenge.

Nolan being endeared to her because she's not afraid makes too much sense, omg. He's so baffled he's enraptured, and Debbie truly thinks he is not special for being capable of killing him, people could die randomly, asshole, get in line. I'd love to see how they got together if the show had time, and the potential dynamics from a "take no shit" Debbie and still learning about humanity, and flirting, Nolan.

REAL ASF THO. Like Invincible could be SO far if it was good. Shows where I'm already invested after it outright refuses to live up to it's potential are like catnip to me, I cannot shut up about it. I'm infuriated and enraptured and endeared. Begging everyone to watch this show, no I don't think it's incredible, watch it all anyway.

Please write the mentor Cecil fic of my dreams, if I can get some oneshots done I'd love to write it myself if I can think of some scenes. There's something so interesting about Cecil becoming an incidental (perhaps Mark opens up and Cecil Realizes: Oh, I can Use This) and then intentional mentor figure, (or again Mark insisting he needs to earn Immortal's approval to prove he's not his Dad fr). Like? Thefun extra wound of betrayal if Cecil still uses the whole scream thing! Maybe Robot/Rudy does a scan of him and finds it, and Mark has to conceptualize what it's for, or it's outright used to against him. I believe in Mark being put through the emotional ringer. Dad issues AND Dad-like mentor issues. Stack 'em.

GDA not have any contingencies or hidden plans is so baffling, like aren't you a paranoid department dealing with something as unstable and dangerous as supes? LIKE NO MEDICAL CHECK UP IS INSANE. Purposeful ignorance is so funny omg, they're actively make it difficult for them to pursue education lmao. But the way I would think they'd make Mark + Oliver binge every morality debate, philosophy, even skeezy therapy where the therapist is just snitching to what their mental states actually are. Enforcing Mark to understand how to fight mentally, and not following the same colonizer BS mindset. GIVE ME PARANOID GDA THINGS. Like if Mark went to college, does GDA have agent pretend to be a student to follow him?

While I'm not too familiar with the DCU- your batfam meta posts are intiguing- so in transfering some of the broader strokes from them- I think you tackling a 'Mark isn't Nolan's biological son' fic would be fascinating. Sort of a step to the side of the 'what if Mark never got his powers' fic that sometimes pop up in the fandom

OOOOOO chewing on this currently, hm, the much a distinct flavor of exactly what you’re talking about, but the potential for more family drama depending on WHO knows. Does Mark know?? Is he waiting every day only to be crushed? Does he confused non-Debbie features with Nolan’s? I suppose I’m not the most enthusiastic about non-power AUs, but I think there’s something very fun to explore about Mark having to settle with, if he knows all his life, he will never have powers? I think the trajectory of his dreams will obviously shift, I can see him still having that distinct fatherly idolization, but perhaps embraces being useful to the GDA? Cecil’s number one intern—only intern—curtesy of nepotism, ha! There is something tickling me about Mark taking the Robin Route/Role for the Teen Team in terms of having no powers, just insane skills, BUT there’s something way more delicious about intern Mark when s1e01 happens and Mark tries snooping around to find out the truth about what happened to his Dad.

I wonder if, with Mark having a whole another father, if they’re more or less distant relationship, depending on WHEN Nolan entered Mark’s life? Like if Debbie met Nolan later for this, or just for fun, they dated once, separated (Mark being born during then), then they happened to stumble into each others lives again and Mark’s already been born, anywhere from tween to teenager so there’s a gap in how close they are. I feel like one important aspect of the whole Family Drama is how close they’re supposed to be, a functional, loving family turned upside down? So I wonder what more distance does. I wonder how Nolan copes when his family is entirely human and he can’t project onto Mark.

I love thinking about these, omg.

[wakanda-nonsense-is-this]

Ghost of You — Chapter 4

Masterpage <last next>

Pietro Maximoff x fem!Mutant!reader

Warnings: ANGST, sad Y/n, betrayal, trust issues.

Word Count: 1084

If you want to be added to the taglist, let me know :)

It was already dark when I said goodbye to the team. They accepted my stay pretty quickly, irresponsible if you ask me, they're heroes, therefore have enemies, and as far as they know I could be one of them. Maybe I'm overthinking it or maybe that's just how I would react. Guess trust issues comes interlock with daddy issues. Greeeat, 2 in 1. However I must say this was the first time in a long time that I ever felt so calm around people. Back in the asylum I had no friends, it didn't feel so lonely because I had Pietro, but he hadn't always been there, I spent 7 years alone until I was 16 and a 21 year old ghost made his way to the showers in the asylum while I was showering. I screamed so hard I don't think I've ever seen a ghost so scared in my life, after that, he took it as his job to follow me around 24/7 until I stopped ignoring him. I smiled at the memory as I made my way back to my room.

"What're you smiling at?" Pietro asked when I close the door. I shrieked and jumped away from him, I had forgotten he was there. I didn't answer, I just went to the closet looking for my suitcase, but I couldn't find it. Strangely, I opened the closet door and someone had hung up my clothes and had taken the trouble to buy me some clothes. My first thought was Tony, but I instantly rejected the thought when I saw all my new socks had figures and were colorful, no one knew about my obsession with pretty socks aside from Pietro (but since he's dead he could not have bought them) and Happy, I smiled warmly at them and made a mental note of thanking him later.

"I didn't know your sister was here" I finally said without looking him. There was a moment of silence.

"I didn't either"

"I find it hard to believe" I scoffed looking back at him, annoyance evident in my tone. Pietro looked back at me surprised.

"Y/n-"

"Is that why you came?" I asked him. Thinking of that possibility made me feel distraught for some reason as if... I shook my head to try and erase the thought, it was of no use digging into my feelings. "I'm sorry, just forget I said anything"

"I-"

"Please Pi, just-" I sighed wishing I had just shut the fuck up for once in my life. I didn't know why I felt so hurt, if I was a ghost too I would do everything in my power to try and search for Happy and make sure he was fine. But knowing that didn't ease the pain of feeling used, because for once I was special for someone or maybe I was just an means to an end, and it's not that I was jealous or anything, it's just... Argh, I don't even know what the heck is wrong with me.

"Hey, what is this about?" He asked me as he got near me, slowly, as if to not scare me.

"I- don’t know" I sat down in surrender looking down at my hands fidgeting on my lap. I felt the same way as when I was 7 and Happy introduced me to his niece, Carla. The way they interacted with each other made feel as if he was replacing me. I tried to hide it but the moment he asked me what was wrong I started bawling my eyes out, I remember he hold me till the tears stopped and proceed to tell me how much he loved me and that no one was ever going to change that. I felt so relieved I cried even more, which landed me to the hospital 'cause of dehydration. After that he was the one crying. What a day.

"Look at me, please look at me" he begged kneeling down in front of me. "For me?" he hesitated. That made me look up at him, I din't want him to feel hesitant around me, not now, not ever. "There she is" he beamed looking me in the eyes, I tried but I couldn't help it, I smiled. Pietro was a lot of things, an asshole, a moron, you name it, but he has always been my number 1 cheerier. Whenever I came out of one of my shock therapies he was always there to cheer me up or to just simply hear me cry.

"I'm sorry, I should have told you, it's just- I wasn't even sure, I had my suspicions about who your dad was but I was never sure" he tried to explain himself. He was nervous, as if this was his fault, I immediately felt bad. I was being selfish, just thinking about myself, but I couldn't help it, I didn't wanna lose him, anyone but him.

"No" He looked at me in surprise, he opened his mouth to say something. "It's not your fault. It's just my whole life every person I have ever cared about has been taken away from me and I know it's stupid, but I just can't stop thinking that you're going to forget about me, because I'm of no use to you anymore and I know it's not like that, i know you would never do that to me, but I mean was it really a coincidence that we met? I don't know, I probably sound crazy." 10 seconds passed and he hadn't say anything yet. I look at him out of the corner of my eye. He's still, looking through me, avoiding my eyes. Oh shoot, I was right. I felt the blood being drained from my face while I looked at him. I thought I was being paranoid, but looking at him, maybe I wasn't. After all the times I told him how difficult it was for me to trust people, after all the times I cried to him for hours, after all the times he saw me at my weakest, after all of that he still used me. Were all those moments fake? Did he ever had to remind himself that I was just one way to get to his sister? Did I ever mean anything to him?

"Pi?" I asked fearfully, he didn't answer, but I saw it on his eyes. "Please tell me I'm wrong, that my trust issues are showing, anything, just tell me I'm wrong"

Taglist:

@vicmc624

@austynparksandpizza

@im-gemmy

@in-my-body-bag