#thanks to Mrs. PCap (Elaine Collins) for sharing him with us

[nehswritesstuffs]

The Thick of UNIT - Part XLVIII

Here’s a chapter that’s much shorter than the previous, but still plenty fun.

Chapter Index - FFN - AO3

Someone on Malcolm’s staff comes back from Christmas a whiny wreck. Three guesses as to whom. [Malcolm/Kate, a Malcolm Tucker working in UNIT AU]

Christmas was a success after all was said and done. Keeping each other off the topic of why Lex and Euan were there despite prior plans as to otherwise, the collective Stewart-Tuckers and their offshoots shared stories and laughed throughout the day, all while making certain Florence and Malcolm didn’t want to murder one another. Those who needed to return to work the following day were able to without issue or worry… at least nothing that came from home.

“Mister Tucker, sir, can I have a word with you?” Malcolm glanced up from his computer to see Shaw standing awkwardly in the doorway to his office.

“What the fuck is wrong this time?” he deadpanned. The Communications Head went back to the piece he was reading over for any auto-correct errors and dropped words as his staff member walked into the room. He heard Aparajita snicker manically as she shut the door behind Shaw, trapping him with the pathetic man-child.

“I, uh, learned something interesting over the holiday,” Shaw began. He sank into one of the chairs in front of Malcolm’s desk and attempted to not shake from nerves.

“Go on—we don’t have all day to be faffing about and swapping stories like there’s nothing better to do.”

“I was at Granddad’s for the holiday and his sister was over.”

“…and…? Get to the fucking point.”

“Why is my Great-Aunt Elizabeth coming to work for UNIT after the year’s end?”

“See? Now was that so hard to ask?” Malcolm closed the lid of his computer and folded his hands atop it, lacing his fingers together as he stared down Shaw. Fuck… why was this sniveling shit in his department, let alone related to who he was? “Wouldn’t this be something you should be taking up with your auntie? HR? My wife?” Yes, drop all the fucking hints that he should go bother someone else over this trivial thing and that he was connected enough to say so. “No one needs to ask your permission if your auntie wants to work, let alone work for the same organization you do, that she had been hired into first, by the by. She’s an adult; go bother someone who might actually be able to give or do a fuck about it.”

“I’m asking you because she said that you specifically were the reason she’s coming back to UNIT,” Shaw elaborated. “Do you really hate me that much?”

“This is why you’re constantly wallowing in a sty of self-pity and angst,” Malcolm fired back. “It’s not about you, it’s about her and what she can contribute to this organization. UNIT recruits where and when it can, and I’m fucking ecstatic to admit that yes, I sniped one of Cambridge’s premier academic minds and noteworthy members of faculty from right under their posh arses and there is nothing those fuckers can do about it.”

“Why though?”

“You’re her kin, you should know more than me how fucking brilliant she is.”

“She swore off UNIT though—why would she come back?”

“There are opportunities here now that weren’t available back when we were little more than a rent-a-Ghostbuster in tin-foil hats and decommissioned military gear. Some reminding of that was all she needed.”

“…but why did you go?” Shaw wondered. Fuck he wasn’t going to let this go easily. “Do you know how awkward it is to not get more than a dozen words out of her one Christmas, then the next she can’t shut up about my boss? It’s completely disorientating to say the least.”

“You’re thirty-fucking-seven years old—are you telling me that you can’t handle talking to your auntie once a year at Christmas?”

“Considering that dozen words from before was an all-time record that was also disturbing? Yes! If she could barely be bothered once or twice a year, then I hate to see what you’ve unleashed because now she’s going to be here all the time.”

“You won’t even be in the same department as her.”

“…which goes back to my question of why did you—my direct boss and supervisor—go to recruit my Great-Aunt Elizabeth from the most prestigious position she could possibly be in, for a job that is not only a step backwards for her but not even in our department?”

“I went because it’s easier to get past the secretary meant to screen visitors when they think you’re the most shaggable silver fucking fox on the planet,” Malcolm quipped. He relished watching Shaw turn an uncomfortable shade of green, knowing that he put precisely the images he wanted in the other man’s head. If the shit was going to insist on being like this, then it was the least he could fucking do to make things as horrifying for the lad as was Tuckerly possible. “Now why don’t you go look at some midriffs on your mobile and wank off in the loo to relieve some of this immense stress you’re under, because you’re even less of use to me while panicking over what shall amount to nothing.”

“…but…!”

“Get the fuck out of my face,” Malcolm sighed in exasperation. “Rajit! Get the cumstain out of my chair please—he’s being annoying again.”

The door opened and Aparajita poked her head in; the shit had clearly been listening in the entire time. “You heard the boss—time’s up, buttercup.”

“Oh, yeah, I should probably get this out of the fucking way,” Malcolm scowled. He stood and walked out of his office before Shaw could find the gumption to do so, heading down the corridor to where the rest of the department had their large, shared office that was divided up into relatively-spacious cubicles. Most everyone there seemed to be in varying states of sleep-deprived and hung-over, so he decided to be gentle. “Any of you fuckers know why Shaw came a-whining at my door?”

“Not really,” Jenkins frowned. His crusty arse seemed to be in the worst shape, wearing his middle-age poorly. How they were the exact same fucking age baffled Malcolm to no end.

“It’s a real fucking lark this time around, but now that I think of it, you all probably should be in the know, since that is sort of why we exist,” Malcolm said. “Shaw’s auntie is coming back to UNIT to haunt the other, more scientific, departments and keep everyone generally in-fucking-line. He’s crying because he found out yesterday and she’s mean or some bullshit of the like. Personally, I like the ol’ bag; seems like her head’s on straight.”

“Why should we be made aware of this, sir?” Sanchez asked. “Isn’t this Emmett’s problem?”

“It’s because Cambridge is probably not going to let one of their prized, long-time possessions  out of its sights without so much as a cursory fucking glance,” he explained. “She’s here to get shit done that she couldn’t back in the Iron Age and there might be a curious journalist or two that wants to sniff around where they shouldn’t because of it. Be sure to run it past me first, but at least now we won’t be caught with our pants at our ankles.”

“‘An academic realized that she needed to shake things up and a change in employment was one of the best ways to do it, so what?’” Hart shrugged in a supposed response. “‘You try being in the same office for forty years and see what that does to your psyche.’ How’s that?”

“Needs a bit of work, but not a bad start,” Malcolm nodded. Younger than Shaw, sure, but the man was much sharper. “Janina, you got anything?”

“How about ‘Bloody fucking ask her, or are you so strapped for news you’re nosing around the fucking Oxbridge gossip columns’?” Husak offered.

“We’re getting somewhere—definitely workshop a bit before the end of the year, but know that it’s low priority because it’s genuinely no one’s fucking business,” Malcolm said. It was then that Shaw finally walked into the office, cringing at the fact that it was still under the jurisdiction of Tuckertown. “That was fast for a wank, you lightweight.”

“I don’t do that sort of thing at work,” Shaw grumbled.

“That implies you do it at all,” Hart mentioned.

“Ugh, gross.” Shaw put a massive pair of headphones on and began to sift through his email in an attempt to ignore everyone.

“He’s just cross because I was the one who caught him actually stroking off in the loo,” Hart scoffed. Malcolm chuckled at that—again, how this Shaw and Thin Lizzie were related, he had no idea.

After making sure that everyone had their assignments for the next few days, Malcolm went back down the corridor towards his office, stopping at the kitchenette to make himself and Aparajita some cuppas. He returned to his PA’s desk with the offering, which even included a biscuit clinging onto dear life thanks to a tiny napkin-hammock stuck between his fingers.

“You enjoyed that a bit too much,” she said, taking the caffeine-and-sugar-laden treat.

“It’s the little things in life, Rajit,” he replied. “If you don’t have the little things, then what the fuck are you doing with yourself?”

“I caught a bit of what you said in the main office; what are you going to do if Shaw attempts to file some sort of misconduct injunction against you?”

“Misconduct injunctions are for the sloppy and irresponsibly-randy of us,” he said. “Nora knows that anything I say or do is after having served prison time for perjury and being caught up in my own ego for two seconds too long—anything he whines about, he deserved.”

“Only you,” she smirked. They both raised their tea in silent regard before heading back to their respective attempts at doing as little work as possible—at least they were on the same page there.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Finally, after Hogmanay came and went, it was 2016. As the calendars turned over towards the new year, the newest member of upper-level staff was starting to get comfortable in her position. A flat-type office was seemingly conjured from nowhere for Dr. Shaw, making it that she could live on-mainframe and not have to worry about leaving whether it be during emergencies or if she couldn’t be arsed to do so. She was nearly settled when it was time for the first heads-of-staff meeting of the year, where all department heads and advisors were required to be there. The only one who could not show up was Benton, as he had a bad cold and his wife barred him from leaving the house.

“Before I start this meeting,” Kate began, looking at the others gathered in the conference room, “I would like to formally introduce the newest member of our staff. While some of you have already met her, for those who haven’t, towards the end of the table is Dr. Elizabeth Shaw, our new Scientific Advisor. Due to the instability we have experienced in relying on a certain someone as our main advisory scientific mind, she shall instead be the main person assisting us in matters of varying importance and difficulties across multiple departments, with the Doctor being put on an utmost-emergencies-only basis. Dr. Shaw’s previous positions involve a few decades at Cambridge after a prior stint in UNIT. This makes her Old Guard and I would like to see her treated as such.”

The conference room was deathly silent as everyone glanced towards the new person to their ranks. Dr. Shaw took the opportunity to stand, towering over all those who were seated.

“I’m eager to see how things have changed since I last left,” she said. “Back when I took up my position at Cambridge, I left this place not as a Mainframe, nor as an underground compound, but an office complex and a few rented warehouses haphazardly spread throughout multiple counties. I did not take this position to sit back and coast my way towards death; impress me.”

She then sat down, letting her speech settle in the room. No one seemed to want to respond, until Group Captain Arwell cleared his throat.

“With all due respect, ma’am,” he said, “while it is admirable to come back to us after so long and fill a void that is sorely needed, why is the best course of action to call you specifically instead of attempting to get a firmer rein on the Doctor? I imagine you already answered this question before you came on, though I would like to hear the answer for myself.”

“Would you question things if it were me?” Captain Blythe asked from across the table. Arwell nodded respectfully at his colleague.

“I should hope that everyone would question if it was me, so yes,” he replied. “Dr. Shaw? Ma’am?” The newest member of staff cleared her throat—she was going to have fun with this.

“The best course of action is to call on me instead of the Doctor is because not only did I survive him in analogue, by the way, I also turned down staying with him long enough to go on a spin around the galaxy,” Dr. Shaw responded firmly. “I denied him. I was able to get out before I was killed in his recklessness. How many people can say that? He can’t even say that based on how many regenerations he’s gone through, let alone since then. I am the best one for the job because I beat him at his own game.”

“Then that is all the convincing anyone should need,” Arwell said. “It will be an honor working with you, ma’am, for what I hope is a long time to come.”

“That does seem to be something that not everyone has a lot of around here, isn’t it?” Dr. Shaw noted. “Retirements are one thing, but working Mainframe UK tends to be a danger to life and limb from what I’ve gathered.”

“No more than in any other paramilitary organization,” Scarfy shrugged. “It’s the risk we take.”

“That is true,” Kate cut in. “Now that introductions are out of the way, let’s get onto our normal minutes. I believe that Tech and Maintenance has some announcements regarding the general upkeep of and our planned improvements to the power grid. Ji-Yu?”

“Yes, thank you ma’am,” the Tech Head nodded. She brought up a file on her tablet and projected a complicated diagram to the whiteboard on the other end of the room. “As you can see, we are slowly reaching our overall goals to be completely independent of the Greater London power grid, with our projected completion time still on-track for the second quarter of next year…”

“That went over well,” Malcolm muttered lowly, leaning over so that only Kate could hear. He shifted in his seat as he felt her foot go up his trouser leg, the feel of her sock against his skin in such a public place making him harden quickly.

“It’s as good of a start as any,” she reminded him. Without stopping the contact underneath the table, she pointed with her pen towards the presentation and silently nodded: pay attention.

That was easy for her to fucking say.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

A week or so passed, how long was only really discernable by looking up when precisely the last meeting was (which no one actually cared to do) and life in Mainframe UK was going smoothly. It was only when their most venerable member of leadership was healthy enough to check in, did anything remotely interesting happen again, even if it was momentarily.

“…Liz…?!” Benton gaped. The military relic’s eyes went wide at the sight of his former colleague standing in the atrium. It was in the early afternoon, on a day that wasn’t spectacularly active aside from some meteor monitoring. That being said, there weren’t many molemen who were milling about in the area, and a vast majority of those who were had the luxury of being completely engrossed in their varying duties. “I haven’t seen you since…!”

“Alistair’s memorial, I know,” Dr. Shaw finished for him. She finished looking over the contents of a report and handed the tablet to Kistane, the Silurian taking it with him back to his department. One glance at Benton and she knew conditions had been even more prefect for her grand re-entrance than she originally thought—he was completely floored. “What…? Did you think that the next time we saw each other would be when another of us dropped dead? I haven’t resigned myself to such a fate just yet.”

“Kids, behave,” Kate warned. She had been escorting Benton through the mainframe so that he could make inspections on the overnight barracks and armory, as per one of his rare, actual duties to ensure standards and uniformity. “Do I need to leave you be for a moment, or…?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming back?” Benton asked, completely ignoring their boss. “You could’ve stayed with Nancy and me as you got things settled this way…”

“Thank you for the belated offer, but I’m already set,” Dr. Shaw said. “You should stop by sometime, John. Does Nancy still make those meringues?”

“So then you’re back for good?”

“Yes. Why else would I be here, in Mainframe UK, going over plans for an updated transporter prototype?”

Benton then thought for a moment, furrowing his brow. “I thought Peg was the new R&D head…”

“The Osgoods are still in charge of R&D—for goodness’s sake, John, I came here to be useful, not decide on which project to fund.”

“…but you were useful before…”

“Don’t you give me that horseshit,” Dr. Shaw hissed, eyes narrowing as her mood snapped, letting Benton know he hit a sore spot. “You should know more than most how completely useless everyone is around the Doctor, and that you don’t get multiple top-level degrees and accreditations and clout in your chosen fields just to pass some alien git test tubes while looking pretty.”

“Well, now that I think of it, the girl who came after you didn’t even have an A-level in science…”

Dr. Shaw’s nostril’s flared, her temper instantly inflamed. “So then you admit you knew I was grossly overqualified and wasting my expertise!”

“Liz, I…”

“…and you even insinuate I should have languished in that pompous Time Lord’s shadow for longer!”

“Elizabeth, please…”

“Don’t you try to pull anything, you puttering old fool,” she growled. “I not only returned to this Quatermass-cum-Thunderbirds pit of nonsense as one of the top names in all of contemporary science, but I do so in order to be everything that space-time bohemian is too unreliable to ever realize. Now, next time you see me there better be a box of meringues in your hand and an apology on your lips and your wife right there to smack you upside the back of your thick head.” Fuming, Dr. Shaw stormed off, leaving Benton and Kate on their own again.

“Something tells me I should have been expecting this,” Kate quipped.

“Do me a favor, Tiger,” Benton grumbled. “Not a word of this to anyone else; don’t need discontent in the ranks because of it.”

“No rank is going to be discontent because a couple members of Old Guard had half a row about something they’re too young to understand,” she assured. “Now go ahead and take a peek inside the men’s loo to make sure it passes inspection. I almost forgot something here.” She waited until Benton shuffled out of sight and then turned to a moleman, who attempted to hurriedly stash away his mobile. “You.”

“Uhhh… yes ma’am…?”

“I need that entire recording you just took.”

“I wasn’t going to show anyone… no one who matters, anyhow…”

“I didn’t tell you to delete it. I simply want it. Now.” Kate dug in her pocket and pulled out a USB drive, which she handed to the moleman. “Don’t compress it either; largest you can manage.”

“Yes ma’am.” He plugged in the drive into an adapter, then the adapter into his mobile, and transferred the video file. After it was finished, he immediately ejected the drive and handed it back. “Does the Captain’s wife do email?”

“Do email? She was emailing before you were,” Kate laughed. The moleman chuckled awkwardly at that, both of them laughing until her face dropped into a hard line. “Now delete it.”

At least this time she didn’t have to threaten with a mindwipe.