#thanks for letting cget rant and ramble everyone im sorry i do it so often

[cgetbrmj]

Absolutely screaming and losing my mind ovefr this

(this is an actual novel at this point and no one needs to read it but I need to vent about this remind myself it was real lmao)

basically, the other week I ended up needing to stay a lot longer than I normally need to in that class - which is already annoying but also means that my usual spaces had other people working in them during that time so it was even more ugh and I told this guy in my class (who I should maybe make a fake name for idk) (who if you don't know, is only a year older than me but is like working as kind of a TA/kind of media/photos/odd jobs guy??) that I was stressing about where to work since I was staying later and he was immediately just like "Okay, well we can try and find a good spot for you, or you can come and hang out in my office with me while I work on some stuff too." and obviously I say yes??? So we hung out for ages and watched some fun videos in-between working and both info dumped to each other I think lol. (and he complemented some of my drawings I was doing which is like 😭🥺🥹, ya know?) And he also let me cover *cough* Decorate his name badge with dinosaur stickers so like - change in routine? Bad. My caregiver crush? Great.

Now that on its own is like a whole thing right? Well if anyone is still reading - buckle the f up. My day today? So so bad. Awful. But this guy is awesome.

(first of all though, I carry dino stickers with me everywhere and give them to my fav people and I've done that with this guy before and this morning the first thing he did when he saw me was say "I just got a new phone case btw so I need some cool dino stickers on there, think about which ones I should put on" and I almost squealed because are you kidding me??)

I was meant to be putting my artwork up on my wall today (exams and examiners and grades all happening so so soon - your girl is not ready.) and I came to the absolutely crushing realisation when i put my work on the floor in front of the wall with my teachers that hahahahahhaha they don't all fit. I literally just can't fit all my work. and I DEFINTELY can't fit my work in the way that I had been PLANNING to for MONTHS now.

Now I am generally a fairly emotional person, but I am also autistic and this is something that I had been expecting and planned for and had envisioned as I'd been painting my artworks and now it completely crumbled in front of me and I absolutely genuinely just started crying immediately. Like it was probably a comically short amount of time from realisation to just crying my eyes out in the middle of class lol. So i start having a mental breakdown, hands on my head, shoulders hitching, breathing abnormally, the whole thing. Just fully having a meltdown in class while my teacher is like 'it'll be fine' LUCKILY my friend/too good at at making me feel little, guy is there and gang-

I could actually scream he was the sweetest person ever. He was speaking really quietly and in a really soft voice and he was like "How about you come outside with me, and we'll go for a walk together and breathe for a second, yeah?" so we went on a walk and he didn't try and be cheery or anything like that which I greatly appreciated, he just let me cry for a while and then tried to help me put into words what the problems were. and then we went back inside and he said "Let's just take a break from it and not look at them right now, we'll grab your stuff and we can go and chill in my office and get your mind off it until you're ready to go back to it." and then PICKED UP MY BAG FOR ME 😭😭 like are you joking??? I'm going insane??

So we went up to his office and he showed me some videos and info dumped a little bit about some of his fav things until I was more calm, and then he helped me with some of my other work and was being so helpful and like so nice, so much praise and he kept talking all soft and he was being really patient with me even though I wasn't talking very loud. and my legs were shaking quite bad for ages and any time it got very bad he'd tilt his head and gently tap/hold my arm and ask if I was doing okay ughhhhhh

and eventually we went back down to my art stuff (where I was like 'you're stil gonna help me right? and he was like 'yeah, that's not even a question, of course.') but he had to leave to do some work but he made sure to tell me multiple times that he'd be coming right back in a couple hours and that he wasn't leaving for good and right before he left he told me that he promised he'd be back to help me more because "I still need some dino stickers."

Anyway I ended up crying so So so so many times but eventually he came back right before I was leaving and he told me "You'll be here tomorrow won't you? Yeah? I'll see you tomorrow, you did really well today, did a really good job, just go home and rest, kiddo."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH right?😭😭😭

like obviously he doesn't know I regress, and obviously I'm not implying that he's actually looking after me, but he is such a sweet person and he makes me feel so safe to be around, and so little when he says things like that. Like today was such an awful day and I have a headache and feel yuck from crying so much and anxiety and ugh but MAN he looked out for me so well today and is such a caregivery figure and he just does it so good?

If anyone read this, so sorry you had to witness the length of this stupid ramble of mine but I needed that out of my system. It's been a day. Also wishing that any of my fellow regressors out there can get access to a caregiver crush of their own because god is it nice, even if they aren't aware of how helpful they are :)

Do you guys remember that guy in my class who is Very good at making me feel little™? Do you guys mind if I vent about him again?