#than just being able to use a vb that just sounds human naturally

[hiyari8]

Too bad we can’t sacrifice the new upcoming 16? V6 banks to make updates for older, other than like a Korean male vb and some new Spanish loids or a language we haven’t done before I don’t think anyone’s as hype for them lol (if anything the silhouettes remind me of an old school vid game, maybe if they branch out and profit they could fund more merch, but the gaming industry is also a disaster as well )

ngl feels like yamaha's trying to copy the mascotless ai synthv vb thing except it will flop instantly bc they won't ever be nearly as good lol (at the same time im pleading for them to prove me wrong)

[carolinesbookworld]

tagged by @kabeswaters and @swellwriting <3

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? 0

describe yourself in a hashtag? very similar to @fortisfiliae #stressedanddepressed

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? Harrison Osterfield

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? prepare for disaster

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? um...idk my boyfriend knows basically everything about me sooooooo

what’s your wake up ritual? wake up, turn off alarm (bc with this at-home learning stuff i’ve been waking up like literally 1 min before my alarm goes off???), text good morning to my bf, snapchat, discord bc moonlit fam talks allll night, tumblr, get out of bed, wash face, get dressed, coffee and breakfast it’s very specific

what’s your go to bed ritual? wash glasses and face bc my skin is soo oily by the end of the day so you best believe my glasses be needing washing everyday, shower, say goodnight to fam, text bf for like 15 mins or until he says goodnight, turn alarm on, plug in phone, go to sleep

what’s your favorite time of day? morning but specifically from 7:30 until 9  

your go to for having a good laugh? FRIENDS as in the show

dream country to visit? Australia bc my dad once got to hold a baby koala there and i wanna do that so bad

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? so my family moved before my sophomore year so me and my bff started trying to surprise each other whenever one of us came to visit and the weekend of my birthday, she skypes me as she’s walking around what i thought was her house and then i start hearing an echo and next thing i know she’s standing in the doorway of my room and that was pretty much the best surprise ever

heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers converse

vintage or new? new but i love vintage aesthetic i just couldn’t live with it

who do you want to write your obituary? karli @swellwriting bc she is my brain twin and i would be mocking her horrible grammar and spelling from my grave and we would both get a good laugh about it in the afterlife

style icon? the mom i babysit for haha she’s like one of my best friends tho which sounds really weird but it’s true

what are three things you cannot live without? books, dogs, days that are exactly 65 degrees

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? um idk chocolate??

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? Sarah J. Maas, Eddie Redmayne, my boyfriend bc i haven’t had dinner with him for 47 days

what’s your biggest fear in life? losing the people i love...and spiders

window or aisle seat? window bc aisle makes me anxious that i’m in people’s way

what’s your current tv obsession? the cw’s nancy drew it’s so good please go watch it

favorite app? instagram, discord, or tumblr, depends on my mood

secret talent? um idk i can draw very realistic portraits of people when i take the time to

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? okay so technically this wasn’t me who did it but i was part of the adventure. when me and my boyfriend were just “friends” ie. liked each other and knew we liked each other but were too scared to admit it. anyway, we had this elaborate plan to shave our youth group leader’s head if we were able to bring in a certain amount of food for the food drive during vbs week. so yeah we spent like three days planning the whole thing out and then decided to go price shopping at walmart with all of our younger siblings bc we needed supervision or something lol to see how many individual things of food we could buy with $20 each we ended up just getting like 20 huge boxes of ramen and then his sister ended up throwing up so we took her home and then went back to church where my car was parked but instead of turning to get to church my boyfriend decides to go straight through the stop light (it was green okay) and spontaneously drive up into the foothills. well we get to the top of the foothills and we’re at the lake and we all get out to look at the city and my boyfriend claims that we need to document this moment so he takes a selfie with all of us and we somehow ended up right next to each other in it and i only found this out like three months ago (this happened back in june) that he only took the picture because he wanted one of us together in case we didn’t start dating lol so sweet and yeah, that was a very long story but i needed context instead of just saying “yeah we drove up a mountain”

how would you define yourself in three words? loyal, anxious, passionate

favorite piece of clothing you own? this dark coral dress that makes my eyes and hair look really pretty

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a hoodie

a superpower you would want? i want to be able to project my thoughts into someone else’s mind bc i’m so bad at explaining stuff sometimes especially when it comes to how i feel

what’s inspiring you in life right now? ACOTAR series by Sarah J. Maas, highly recommend

best piece of advice you’ve received? opening up to more than one person is important because if you lose that person then you’ve lost all your support

best advice you’d give your teenage self? the friends who have stuck around this long are the ones you want to hang onto and the ones that you need are the ones you don’t always see

a book everyone should read? The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

what would you like to be remembered for? being a crazy dog mama

how do you define beauty? confidence in yourself and not caring what others think about you

what do you love most about your body? my metabolism

best way to take a rest/decompress? open a window to feel the breeze and listen to Islands by Hey Ocean! which is so calming to me

favorite place to view art? nature or tumblr

if your life was a song, what would the title be? we’re going with a fob/p!atd theme here and calling it “depression screwed me over so i screwed it back and ended up worse off”

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? piano

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? probably on my forearm or by my left hip

dolphins or koalas? koalas did i mention that i want to hold a baby koala

what’s an animal that represents you? great dane puppy ie. very excitable but will also take a four hour nap when tired

best gift you’ve ever received? my best friend made this photo collage for me when i moved that is hanging in my room and it has a bunch of pictures of me and her over the years and i just love it

best gift you’ve given? for christmas i gave my boyfriend a hammock and the bookshelf addition of clue, two things he had no idea i would remember him mentioning and his face was priceless. also i made my mom a cake for her birthday this year and she was so happy and said it made her feel very special <3

what’s your favorite board game? clue or ticket to ride (specifically nordic countries)

what’s your favorite color? currently a pale turquoise

least favorite color? any shade of light brown

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore bc i don’t wear makeup enough to validate buying designer, also i don’t really care

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee cof-

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? palindrome is wild because it means a word spelled the same way forwards and backwards but it itself is not one such word

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? milk

stairs or elevators? stairs

summer or winter? summer but like, only june

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? panera mac n cheese

a dessert you don’t like? red velvet cake which btw is not red-colored chocolate cake as many would have you believe

a skill you’re working on mastering? writing

best thing to happen to you today? i got to put all of my new plants in my windowsill and i named one of them (its name is albert in case you were wondering)

worst thing to happen to you today? idk today’s been pretty good as far as quarantine goes

best compliment you’ve ever received? my boyfriend calls me beautiful all the time and he always reminds me that that is describing looks and personality

favorite smell? coffee or my boyfriend’s sweatshirt for the week after i steal it

hugs or kisses? can i choose both?? depends on my mood mostly but i guess hugs if i just had to pick one

if you made a documentary, would it be about? literally anything relating to the mcu

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? a court of wings and ruin by sjm

lipstick or lipgloss? lipstick

sweet or savory? sweet

girl crush? literally any female in the teen wolf cast

how do you know you’re in love? hahahaha haha what's love

a song you can listen to on repeat? we fall apart by we as human or uma thurman by fob

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? idk my boyfriend probably, this is something we have discussed in depth

what are you most excited for/about this time in your life? for life to go back to normal

tagging @finnofamerica @woakiees @beskarjedi @outerlacy @swanimagines hahahahaha have funnnnn this took me an hour to answer

[cpdevos]

7/21/20 Fleeing Temptation/Living in Freedom From Sin pt. 2 (Margarette, Maria, and Lili)

Hi everyone!

Today's devo is part 2 of our discussion on fleeing from temptation and living in freedom from sin. If you haven't checked out part 1 of this series, definitely go read that one as well! Maria, Margarette, and I will each be providing our input, advice, and experiences with these issues.  --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maria:

Romans 6:1-2

1 What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2 By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?

God is perfect and holy. This verse touches on something we’ve probably thought about at some point: that if we sin, it’s okay since God will always forgive us and give us grace. Isn’t the whole point of Jesus that He takes our sin away? Paul raises this question as something logical to wonder. BUT, our hearts are not in the right place when we think this. Why would we choose to continue to sin, knowing it hurts us and takes us further from God, who is perfect and loves us? Paul rebukes this way of thinking, saying that we have died to sin by choosing to follow Jesus.

We are naturally prone to sin as human beings. But God redeems us from our life of sin! However, we cannot continue to live as we had before knowing God. If God is our priority, our lives will change to reflect Him better. We all struggle with sinning, but going to God through prayer and his Word, and having a community of believers for accountability are some ways I think can help us turn from it. We aren’t perfect and God does give us grace! But we should realize that taking advantage of that grace and refusing to repent isn’t the way to live as Christians. Grace and truth go hand in hand -- I’ll leave you with this quote by Randy Alcorn: “Any concept of grace that makes us feel more comfortable about sinning is not biblical grace. God’s grace never encourages us to live in sin; on the contrary, it empowers us to say no to sin and yes to truth.”

Margarette:

When we decided to write about the topic of sin + temptation, I felt unqualified...and I kind of still do. But, I just hope that I can at least share my perspective and a few things I’ve learned / realized over time.

We all fall prey to sins and temptations, and furthermore, we all struggle with being free from sin and temptation. Sin is usually a topic that we try to stay away from, at least when it comes to diving deeper and admitting your sins to other people or to God. In fact, we sometimes even push off admitting it to ourselves. I think part of my struggles stem from growing up in such a conservative environment (church, family, friends, etc.). I usually put up a front because I’m embarrassed that I don’t have my life together when it seems like everyone else is thriving. Of course, society also encourages a lot of these temptations--everyday, we consume so much media and often, our forms of online entertainment (movies, Youtube, TV shows, social apps) have bad themes (violence, romance, anti-religion, etc.).

I think being honest with yourself is a very important first step to freeing yourself from all the burdens of sin. We all need to take time and actually think about why we make certain choices and where our beliefs lie. Is God not so much greater than any of these earthly temptations? Like Maria wrote in her response: Why would we choose to continue to sin, knowing it hurts us and takes us further from God, who is perfect and loves us?

1 Peter 2:24 -- “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”

This verse is pretty powerful, and it made me really rethink the implications of our sins. Jesus saved us from sin with his death on the cross and if we believe in Jesus Christ, we need to start acting like it. We are called to follow in Jesus' footsteps in living a more pure and holy life.

I’ll always remember the ABC acronym that Paster To taught: Admit, Believe, Confess. This might also sound familiar because we sang about it in the “Ride of your Life” VBS song:

A: Admit to God that you’re a sinner and repent

B: Believe that Jesus is God’s own son

C: Confess your faith in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord

When we talk about repenting from our sins, it seems like such an easy task...but what about when we try to actively turn away from sin? I encourage you to reflect on something you're struggling with and just take the time to bring it to God (maybe remember your ABCs while you're at it).

Lili:

Hello! This topic of temptation and being enslaved to sin is familiar in both an unpleasant and good way for me. It's good because it is a reminder of God's mercy to me, but it also a reminder of how I was consumed by my sin. I've experienced temptations of many kinds, but today I'm just gonna be giving you a shorter version of my hardest and most significant battle with temptation and sin. There was a pretty long period when I struggled with having impure and lustful thoughts. This went on pretty much everyday for about 3 or 4 years, so you can imagine how much I clung on to this sin and how it just became harder to want to let go of it. Every time I'd fall into that sin, I'd tell God I was sorry and asked Him to forgive me, knowing full well that I was going to do it again anyways. I was stuck, and I felt so much shame and guilt from this hidden sin that I couldn't tell anyone about because I couldn't and didn't want to explain what I was going through. I hate keeping things to myself, and this weighed heavily on me because I was dealing with this problem alone. I would pray for God to help me to control my thoughts, but at the same time, I wasn't willing to give up my sin because it gave me pleasure and temporary satisfaction. It was also relatively easy to hide it because it was all going on inside my head, while it was really destroying me on the inside. It really felt like a battle was going on in my head because while I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to let go of my sin, my own will fought against those nudges because I didn't want to let it go.

After a few years of this and also after feeling convicted from hearing a number of sermons, Bible passages, and other resources talking about fleeing from sin and temptation, I knew I wanted this to end, but I didn't know how to tell anyone about my problem. I was scared of being so vulnerable, and that was part of the reason it took so long to admit it. Thankfully, I was truly convicted when I read a Christian article about temptation and how we must expose our sin. I believe it was the Holy Spirit pushing me to tell someone I trusted about it because I still can't believe I had the guts to expose my sin. Once I told that person, I felt SO free! It was one of the most wonderful feelings I've experienced because I felt like my burden had been lifted when I came out of hiding. I've heard the analogy of how sin prospers in the dark, but once it's brought into the light, it loses its power, and I felt like that was what happened when I confessed my sin. Of course, it still wasn't and isn't easy to fight off that temptation, but I am happy to say that for the most part, I've moved on from that sad and broken season in my life. It is by the grace of God that I have been freed from that life.

A couple of things that I found helpful in fighting my temptation was reciting verses and praying. When I was tempted to have those impure thoughts, I would sometimes instead fill my mind with God's truth. One verse that I would often remind myself of was 1 Corinthians 10:13 - "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humanity. God is faithful, and He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape so that you are able to bear it." It reminded me that I didn't have to be controlled by my temptation and that God could help me control myself from giving into temptation. Prayer is another thing that was helpful for me, because I was asking God to keep my mind from anything impure, and I have experienced Him truly working in me and taking my mind from what was impure to something better. And as I mentioned earlier, talking with someone about it also helps because you have someone to shoulder that burden with you and to keep you accountable. It's definitely scary, but so worth it if you talk with someone you trust who will be understanding and safe to talk to about it. From my own experience, it truly was a huge step for me to find freedom from my habitual sin. But as I was going through that time, I feel like God was slowly planting seeds in my mind which eventually led me to want to let my sin go. With help from the Holy Spirit and hearing from God through a number of different sources (messages, Bible passages, etc.), I was eventually ready to let go of the sin and experience His grace and forgiveness.  

To wrap this all up, I'd just like to say that if you are experiencing temptation or are struggling with sin, I'd highly recommend memorizing scripture, praying for God's strength to overcome the temptation, and talking with other Christian brothers and sisters (if you need someone to confide in, feel free to message me! I'd be happy to provide a listening ear and support). As Moses mentioned in the last devo, we’re going to be dealing with temptation our entire lives through all of the different stages of life we’re in. Just because I got out of that one phase of temptation in my life (which I still struggle with from time to time) doesn’t mean that I’m going to be temptation-free for the rest of my life. It will be an ongoing struggle for us, but I hope we all remember that God is faithful and that He has provided us with so much to help us combat sin and temptation. Our temptations are strong, but our God is even stronger. If you have any other tips/suggestions on how you fight against sin/temptation, feel free to respond to this email with your thoughts!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading, and we hope you found both parts of this devo encouraging :)

Pray to end, Maria, Margarette, Lili

[inmomni]

No. 14

It was after my youth group’s 2015 winter retreat that i got saved for like, the third time that my best friend and i had an interesting conversation about our sin.  I remember we were on a night hike with a few other of my church friends when i suddenly started to get a strong urge for a cigarette.  I hadn't had one since the start of the winter retreat, which was about two weeks ago then and a long time for me.  It brought up this kind of frustration in me.  Not because the craving was getting worse, but because i had just been saved, again.  See in my mind, if you were with Jesus, you should just want to sin because of this new found love that you have for Jesus now; so in turn, that would make you naturally hate sin, ya know? Sharing the comment with Caleb, it sparked some talk about the fallenness of man and how we innately fall away from God, you know the gist, and we went on for about an hour when pent up with frustration about how i still want sin after all that God had shown me, after knowing what He did for me, after experiencing how much He loves me, 

 I said, “I wish God could just make us love him so much right now that we would never dare to sin again.”  

And from there my difficult journey of becoming a disciple of God started.

God works independently from you.  This is something that He has been teaching and showing me in this current season of my life.  I always had this imagery that depicted how I came to faith, and how I’m being sustained now: me being dragged by a rope tied to my hand by God.  Let me explain.  Looking at my faith, my life, my experiences, etc., I feel like i missed out.  I feel as if because God made me a Christian so early on with such strong convictions that i wasn't able to really have fun in high school.  As in the sex, drugs, alcohol portion of it.  A culture that always sounded so alluring and enticing because it gives you a good status; a “cool” status or reputation, one where no one has to question who you are, just as long as your there to have fun, you're family.  But my ties to the church prevented me from fully immersing in that culture, and i really did genuinely try to be a good christian while struggling with this sense of being cheated by God.  So this lead me to do something else: just drift in and out of the two. Not like split life type of deal, but just over the course of time that has passed up since then and now, I have tried, just once, a good number of drugs, was a pretty fat stoner, and am still currently working on getting rid of nicotine.  I hardly ever read the bible regularly, prayer was on SOS duty, but still during this entire time, I was, and honestly still now,  going to church, singing my songs, and repping the name of Jesus to those who knew I went to church.  

I thought I knew what a christian should look like.  I’ve been to church all my life, so that being said, I think I have a pretty good idea of what an idealized modern day non-Jesus Christian would be like: 

- Prays for at least 30 mins a day, an hour if it didn't cry at all to “push through and seek the Lord”....Or an hour if you did cry cause, you cried and you had a moment with Jesus.   - Reads the word every day without fail, even if you don’t have time for it cause you’re too busy serving, you get it in somehow by listening to an ESV ebook bible or through your 2min New Morning Mercies. - Just exudes Jesus everywhere they go, like to the point where you feel so sinful if you're around them, but somehow they're so humble that it doesn't even cross your mind. - Raises their hands every single worship song at some point in the chorus and definitely the verses cause no one raises their hands for those - Every single conversation they have in passing turns into some life changing prophetic revelation for both parties involved           The list can go on, but because of this mismatched lifestyle of knowing what is good but not living it out, there emerged a very cyclic pattern starting since senior year of high school: 

Summer is so good, its great, restful, had a bunch of fun, ready to get back to work Fall initially is really good, meeting up with friends, keeping up with academics, motivated, I’m doing okay with God, reading here and there, not consistently, but reading at least, not doing bad things and such... then it starts to drop off around late October. I start getting less motivated, missing more classes, sleeping in more, trying to escape reality more.

Winter is super bad, just bummy lazy disgusting, right up until finals week approaches from where I jump up out of bed and turn into a study machine

This carries on past spring and then probably into summer again.  Then it repeats. 

But during these times there have been moments where God affirmed me in my spiritual growth, all in retrospect of course.

I remember a time at Chick-fil-a with Caleb after serving at VBS where one of these moments happened. We had just finished up a day where the theme was the good news.  For some context, we started the day with a staff meeting where the pastor told us about the theme, what kind of message she will be sharing, the weight of this day and the significance it could have on the kids. Everyone was “mmm-ing” in agreement and prayer was loud so you know people were passionate, but i wasn't really in the mood.  I really wasn’t in a good place in my faith, then again when have i ever been, and i just said yes to a pastor that said they were understaffed.  So I brought along Caleb, who was walking with the Lord at the time.  But prayer was only 3 minutes long because the meeting started too late.  So everything started getting pushed back a little bit.  Stations were shorter, and the station leaders were rushing things to pass the group to the next station to the point where by the end, all the crew leaders were a little bit disoriented and tired.  So back to the scene at Chick-fil-a, after ordering food, I asked him, “Hey, what did you think about today?” He responded with a “It was kinda weird”, a prodding question to see what I’m thinking.  I started explaining how they didn't do the gospel justice, how this wasn't something that was deserving of being rushed or just gotten over with, especially if it is for these kids.  At one point, some guy paraphrased the gospel to, “uhh we sinned, Jesus died on the cross for them, and, oh shoot were out of time, can the crew leaders explain the rest on the way to the next station”

I was getting really emotional, and tears started running down my eyes at which point caleb asked me why I was crying.  I didn't understand his question, until i remembered that all the conversations we had and all the things he’s seen me do don't point to an impassioned college student upset because his church’s VBS didn't do the gospel enough justice when presenting it to 5-10 year olds.  That was when I realized God has taught me the weight of his gospel

There were other instances like this:

When i first got to Biola, and I hated it, but God told me through the song i hated the most during high school  (Christ is Enough) that though i may think that i failed because I only got into Biola, Hes bringing me to a place where I can say Christ is all I need, and he placed that desire in my heart

Placing me in Torrey so that I would have a deeper knowledge of the word and how to converse with people, and having that show up at a party half tipsy with a bunch of non-christians who were talking philosophy of a higher being and of a purpose in life

Seeing that through every cycle of highs and lows, regardless of how low that low was, I still came back to a place where God met me

This cycle continued starting senior year of high school, to hopefully not now, getting worse every single year, as in the depressed months started to bleed past their previous marks. Until last year, my junior year, when I failed 3 classes second semester. 

It had lasted til May.  

At that point i perceived myself as for what i thought i had become.  It was my junior year, and I’m a bio major.  I’m trying to become a doctor, but now I’m not even sure of that anymore.   I’m a slob, my sleeping schedule is a mess, I'm not even properly eating and what the heck is up with that, I don’t go to the gym anymore,  I’m not loving on the people that are close to me well at all I feel so selfish and twisted I feel so sinful, Holy i feel so dirty I feel so far from God, am i really a christian? I barely read the bible,  when was the last time i talked to God?  No other than a Sunday. I’ve been a Christian, or a so called christian for how long now?  Almost 8 years now? almost eight years.  Even after all these years I can't get this thing going God, I’m such a failure, I’ve tried so hard.  To be a Christian, to stay in the faith, but it’s too hard.  I don’t get it, and i don't understand it.  If i did, then i wouldn't be like this.  If i was a christian, I wouldn't be doing X, Y, and Z or i would have fixed this part of myself ages ago.  I should have had a consistent routine with God by now, talking with him, I should be the ideal christian by now.  IF I had truly been a christian up til now, holy, I’ve lived 21 years exposed to the gospel, and I don’t know how to do this thing.  I should just give up, I need to leave, 

But where would I go? 

Ecclesiastes puts it so well (I love this book) when it says that EVERYTHING is meaningless.  If you really think about it, there is no point to life. To pass on your genes? To have the most toys at the end of your life? To be a powerful change in society to those who are equally as insignificant and pointless as you are? as if your possible change will bring about anything more than which is your mere humanity, which is what, simplified by science, nothing more than a generation 10000 monkey all within a world that is dying and rotting each day that passes.  

So it’s either God, or death.  

Well, I don’t want to die... Yeah I really don’t want to die, so then how do I do this

HOW can I do this?  I’ve failed so many times I could probably map out and predict up until when I’ll be depressed, what I’ll be doing during that time

God, I don’t know what to do. That’s when it became clear to me.  If you've noticed by now, I’ve used the word “I” so many times up til this point.  God just started highlighting all of the I’s I used, and he started replacing them with His name.  and it all started to click.  Maybe the reason I failed all these times was to bring me to a place where I could say, with my heart inside out, “God help me please, I don't know what to do.”  I tried to do things my own way for 3 almost 4 years now and i failed every single time, maybe its time to look towards God and not myself.   God reminded me of a passage in Numbers 21:6-9 where it talks about God sending fiery serpents to the people of Israel.  These snakes were sent to kill people with their venom because of their sin and rebellion, and the passage says that many died from these snakes.  So the people cried out to Moses, and Moses to God, who instructed Moses to erect a bronze serpent in the middle of camp (on a standard) so that if any man looks on the serpent, that even if they get bit, they will live.  Now, a thing about snakes, they're not that tall, so the area that they'll probably bite you, if you're not laying down in snake infested areas, around your feet, legs, ankles, all areas that you have too look down to see.  So you’re here, dodging snakes on the ground for dear life, when Moses comes around and says to look up at this serpent so that you'll be saved.  I’m guessing that this bronze snake was up on a tall pole or structure so that not just people in the vicinity would see it, but people all over camp, which meant that if you wanted to look at the bronze snake, you'd have to take your eyes completely off the ground.  So you're surrendering your own ability to do the best you can to defend yourself from these serpents risking death, or to look up at a bronze statue of a serpent to live.  And get this, the bible doesn't even say healed, just “will live”, meaning to me that it probably still hurt like hell when they got bit, but they lived, which they wouldn't if they tried to do it on their own.  Our protocol is just to look at Him, nothing else, not to look good in front of him, not to hide your sins, not to say this or that, but to look at God like a child and say “help please”.  

Now

How do you do that.  

🤷🏻‍♂️

I don’t know what I’m doing.  I’m trying to read more.  Pray more, I don’t know what it looks like to do what I said just now, or what that actually looks like.  But regardless of what I know, or what I understand, God is doing things behind the scenes for my good.  That there is no other reason, there can't be any other explanation than the grace that God gives me and sustains me with.  In this most darkest season of my life, I have never understood more clearly what it means to work out your faith with fear and trembling, to know that I am a christian despite all my crap, that despite how hard I may want to leave, not even I can pluck myself out of Gods hand, because of the way He’s been teaching and shaping my heart. Grace prepares the heart for salvation, it is grace that one receives salvation, and it is through grace that salvation is sustained and sanctification is occurring.  I don’t know how I got here and how to get to where I need to be, but I just know that God’s got this.  

So I’m just going to take that and run.

[whatislife2018-blog]

dipping a toe in the cool pool

Once you crumple up a piece of paper you can never get it flat again. Every time you shove it in a backpack or pull it just past the break point you’ve done something to it you can never undo. The problem with my life is that I haven’t been through enough real suffering to have invoke enormous transformation that Nietzsche speaks of. There’s clearly a threshold to pain and in comparison to the mass amounts of pain there is in this world, my pain seems like a stubbed toe. Of course not to say that has made any of my hardships easy, but everyone has a baseline for pain. In an emergency room, the first questions they ask is your pain level on a scale of  1-10. As you go through life your 10 could become a 2. Of course the worst pain isn’t physical. Oppression, loss, emotional abuse: That is real pain. The difference between the range rover driving trophy wife and the african slave is their baseline pain.

Nietzsche writes, “But for the creator to appear, suffering itself is needed, and much transformation.” Nietzsche wanted us to be superman, to replace god with ourselves, and he believed the only way to do this was to endure suffering. Suffering is the mass extinction that leaves a hole in the world that is left to be filled with new. Nietzsche sought suffering out through isolation. I don’t think people today would ever seek out suffering. You can get shoved and torn and crumpled, but it’s what you do in the aftermath that defines you.  Most people do everything in their power to escape suffering: take pills, go on vacation, actively ignore the harsh realities of our world. “To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering”, writes Nietzsche. Suffering is a chance to create something out of the broken pieces, make something meaningful, and find the beauty in the suffering. Art is the manifestation of suffering. You hear about great people, that they suffered beautifully. Cool shows us that to ignore suffering is to not life fully, and to limit yourself to a boring, unchanging sameness.

I used to be very preoccupied with being happy. Some people will spend the entirety of their lives trying to convincing themselves that they are happy. Sheep are happy. Nietzsche says, “Man is a rope stretched between the animal and the Superman--a rope over an abyss.” You can’t stay on the rope, balancing forever. Where you land on the spectrum: god or sheep? Nietzsche knows that most of us will choose sheep. It is infinitely easier to be a sheep. Humans are the only animals who have the opportunity to move past their “animal” status, and we should. We should, dine, dance, love, and think deeply, because we can. I don’t want to be a god, but I’d hate to die a sheep.

Cool says to reinvent yourself. Everytime I moved, (10 times and counting) I was given a chance to re-event myself. The three most influential moves that formed the person I am today were just prior to freshman year,  again junior year, and then college.  In middle school I was extremely uncool, looking through my families lense. I had values like: school comes first, always be kind, and playing outside is better than TV. Throughout middle school I became a little clone of all the girls in my grade. My lens taking on my new environment. My new look: Hollister, Victoria’s Secret leggings, and Rainbow flip flops, but most importantly stick straight hair. Though I tried hard to fit in with my peers, I was still the nerdy french girl who ate nutella before it was cool and wore marinier t-shirts. Then I moved to Virginia. Despite my stubborn attempts of denial, I transformed into a Virginia Beach kid. Definition of VB kid: converse with high socks, expensive surfer brands, wavy natural hair, and the don’t care attitude. Slowly, I shed all the Florida that use to camouflage me, and was painted with the vb look. Next, Reno, NV, with a new uniform of Berks, Patagonia, and a false sense of school spirit. As easy as it would have been to lose myself completely in the sea of norm each time I moved, I never managed to conform wholly. I was still a nerd, a foreigner at heart, and still “too nice” to be a cool kid.

I called it adaptation. A word I used extensively in my college application. But what did I really mean by it? That I can learn to fit into many different groups of people? Why would I ever want that? I wasn’t in the “in” crowd, and now I know exactly why that was. I look back on the “in” crowd, still in their hometowns, all attending the same school, going to the same parties, and trapped inside their tiny bubbles. Their world views can’t escape the place they were born, because they’ve never left. I’ve come to the conclusion that I never was really able to adapt to these people because I wasn’t them. My lens will never be composed of just Reno, VB, or Pensacola views. I became a collage with all the little pieces glued together, awkwardly but connected: a piece of Normandy, of my best friends, my sisters, the ocean, the mountains, and a piece of every experience and every person that has ever influenced me. I became someone who craves the outdoors, is loyal to people even when they don’t deserve it, is understanding and open, and cannot seem to stay in one place for too long because of what I know is left out there to explore.

Because of my world view I believe in many aspects of the cool. “We live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities”, wrote Oscar Wilde. I believe we constantly forget the real necessities life. Girls at this University walk around with $10,000 on the wrists. I look at that and think about how many plane tickets that bracelet is worth, or even how many meals. However, I believe that truly cool things can’t be bought. The word “need” has been completely distorted in our time. I don’t need a college education. I don’t need coffee in the morning. I do need my health and such things that are constantly taken for granted. But why wouldn’t we? The value of something is based upon how easily it can be obtained, how common it is. Cool people know this. The ability to be unique, creative, and passionate will never have a price tag.

I agree with Gwendolyn Brooks when she writes, “we strike straight”. Cool people are no nonsense. There is no being two-faced. Cool people don’t pretend to be someone they’re not, and they certainly would never say something they didn’t believe,  just to spare feelings. My parents were very straight with me. It’s an American concept to tell your kids they’re perfect and can be anything and do anything. America’s the greatest country in the world. College is the best four years of your life. What goes around comes around. These are lies that kids are told growing up to keep us on the “right” path. Wilde says, “Illusion is the first of all pleasures.” People are begging to be deceived. Cool knows the truth. Cool knows America was never great, college shouldn’t be the best four years of your life, (in fact you shouldn't even go) and you can be the best person in the world and life will still screw you over. I’ve spent most of my life looking at one big illusion. The reality is everything is replaceable, your life is meaningless, and most people are the worst. As depressing as that sounds there’s an upside. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you stop trying to fit in with your peers, the more tightly you will hold on to the friends worth keeping, the sooner you stop worrying about insignificant things, and the easier it is to focus on the simple joys in life.

“Death is just down the street”, wrote Brooks. I could die any minute. So why am I wasting any second of it doing things like writing an essay? The answer is unfortunate. The reason I and anyone else does stuff like go to college, is because we are afraid. We lack the courage it takes to deviated from the cookie cutter life we are told to lead. As amazing as it sounds to quit school, go travel the world, and learn through experiencing, for the tiny blip of time my life-span allows me, I don’t do it. It’s sad but I will probably never be brave enough. That is why we respect cool people. They do what all of us are so unbelievably afraid to do. We are terrified to give up our safety, to truly live. Is a 3 hours biology lab really living? Is jogging on a treadmill? Is going to starbucks?

Though I don’t think I will ever be brave enough to be truly cool, but I can inch toward it. When I look back on the times when I felt I was truly living, I see is a London street, a cliff in Hawaii, or the slopes down to Lake Tahoe.  Living has everything to do with dying. “Get busy living or get busy dying”- The Shawshank Redemption. Cool tells us to dance with death. I don’t believe in god and I don’t believe in fate, but I do believe that we have this life, and that’s all we get. What else are we here for, but to live?  Just as Langston Hughes wrote, “But for livin' I was born.” I believe that even if we’re not brave enough for the gigantic leap of faith that truly cool people take, we still have opportunity for some minimal street credit. My lens is definitely not a “cool” lens, or I would definitely not be here, in Shalala Student center at University of Miami, typing up an essay about how much I wish my life was cooler. I think there are alot of awful things about our world that are more than enough reason to not want to live at all, but there are also things that are reason enough to continue living. We can love. We can taunt death. We can help other people. That to me is cool. Whether you’re a rockstar or a graffiti artist, you are giving something to the world that makes it worth all the bad. This is why I want to be a doctor. Because as uncool as a career is, giving people a second chance at living is worth it.

You can’t expect life to be easy. If  you say it is, then you’re either lying, or you’ve never lived at all. As Frederick Douglass wrote, “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.”  Cool is struggle, continued struggle, and rebellion. You always have to be fighting for something, against something, or for something better. Freedom? Equality? I want to fight for other people. Throughout my life all the most inspiring people, the coolest people I’ve met were people who fought for others. This is what I believe in because I’ve had the privilege of having degrees of freedom and equality, and yet nowhere near enough. It’s a continuous rebellion, a “private rebellion” (Cool rules). Never accepting the way things are is the key to progress. Never accepting yourself as finished. Never letting anyone put you in a box. I am not my stereotype. Debois writes to this. He knew no matter how many times people tried to tell him what or who he was, he was not that. I don’t want to grow up just to be what everyone told me I was. “Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”(Wilde). In a world where original seems impossible, I will continue to change myself and my worldview by peering through many different lenses.