#than it is to not face it and live in guiltridden fear all the time
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goldkirk · 2 years ago
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#2023 is the year that I get my finances and my financial trauma sorted out#because it’s either this or it kills me and I’m all done leaving myself open to being killed#have to do a lot of hard work realizing how bad the money stuff was re: hours per week of being trapped in the kitchen with 1-2 people#damning me if I did and damning me if I didn’t#and one of them constantly watching my bank account because they had access till I was 25#and all the fear they put in me and how they trained me to sabotage myself for them#NO MORE#it is not as scary to just face the hellish nightmare zone of loans and debts and not enough money for butter or dog food or whatever#than it is to not face it and live in guiltridden fear all the time#at least with the first option I have itemized spreadsheets I can take to debtors and a bankruptcy attorney if needed#I’d love to find a second job again but it’s been pretty hard#but regardless#no more avoidance NO MORE AVOIDANCE avoidance and shame don’t get me anywhere#the only thing that will is holding hands with the shame and the terror#and if all goes well#maybe I’ll be able to finally get my root canal and other cavities done 2 years late#and also rebuild some savings#mostly just I gotta do this or I’m going to give myself high blood pressure and an ulcer by the end of the year I cannot handle a mother#year of looming financial threat#it’s getting sorted out this year or not at all#and I’m all out of accepting ‘not at all’s#shh katie
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anngersmy · 8 years ago
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The Power of Words
Actions speak louder than words.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
We seem to have forgotten that thoughts come first, then words and then actions. Words are central to everything.
Words can be hateful, spiteful, jealous, manipulative, condescending, dismissive, malicious, insensitive and nasty. Words can be loving, caring, insightful, encouraging, generous, helpful, inspiring, funny and kind. I have received and given both.
Words can be full of selfishness, guiltridden neediness, venom and poison or  words can be full of selflessness, innocence, lightness and sunshine. I have witnessed both.
Words can inspire creativity and inventiveness. Words can incite violence and murder.
I wrote some words to people in positions of power, not with any expectations of replies or actions on their behalf but rather because I was full of despair at the indifference and lack of empathy that seems to have enveloped the world. Once posted I was filled with embarrassment at my words, as I often am because I write from the heart, in moments of passion, and once it is written calmness surrounds me so that when I reread my words they are as of a stranger. I wonder do others do the same or just me. When I am on the receiving end of bad energy words I like to think that they do.
I told a friend about my letters, She reminded me, with her words,  of another reason I wrote them. I'm paraphrasing her words here now as I can't recall them exactly, I remember the warmth...."if more people wrote as you did, even without sending it, the energy it gives out might work wonders."
So far, I have received one reply, quite unexpected and just in time for Christmas. I shared some of the words with my family and friends because they are powerful, loving words:
" The Holy Father will remember you and your family in his prayers. Invoking the peace and joy of our Lord Jesus Christ, he sends his blessings."
I particularly like the word "Invoking" as that is what the power of words is. Words call on the power of something greater to action, be it hatred or love, chaos or peace.
The letter I wrote was quite personal, and six pages long, so I will only share some of it's words:
" I am a tired, overwhelmed, worried and extremely angry mother. I don't even know or trust anything I have been taught or anyone in power .......
My heart is breaking for all the innocent, frightened babies and children, the lost, broken adults, the helpless animals, all who are being cruelly hurt and tortured daily in this world. I weep for their pain and suffering because I don't know how to help. I feel powerless, paralysed, watching it all unfold before me......
My heart is breaking for all the souls that have hardened so much that they do not see the wrong in all the hurt they are doing. I live in a comparatively rich and comfortable "civilised" society yet daily fathers and mothers  take their own lives because of the despair they live in, they see no hope as they are owned by our banks and everything is being taken away from them. People are dying on our streets in our "rich" country from the cold and apathy of our people. Our leaders just look on. Parents are throwing their own children out on the streets to fend for themselves and closing their doors, fathers are murdering their wives and children.
Children are physically and mentally torturing other children in our schools and boys as young as thirteen are taking their own lives because they cannot live with the hatred they are facing every day in school and after school now because it lasts twenty four hours with social media.  All of this is happening in a "civilised" society while the majority sit back and ignore it and pretend it isn't happening here, they block it out with pills to cover up their pain or wallow in their own self pity instead of doing anything........
Who am I to judge? I am not particularly good nor am I guiltless. I live in comparative luxury, I have many worries about banks and other such worldly stresses that have been purposely thrown at us to keep us preoccupied and not aware. Every so often I wake up and try to do a little, scream "STOP!" but then the daily worries pull me back towards the abyss too and I forget, block it out, ignore it just like everybody else. I am no different......
My heart is breaking for our beautiful earth and all the mayhem and destruction humans are bringing down upon her because of our greed, hate and insatiable appetite for evil. Our leaders for the most part are totally desensitised to the pain in the world. They do not feel the throbbing agony around them. I have read that people in positions of power for too long tend to lose their empathy. I believe this to be very true. The power is in the hands of the few who do not even consider the feelings of those they govern. They do not understand they are here to serve their people, not to serve banks and faceless, multinational conglomerates, the money god.
Imagine if the presidents of this world who send out bombs could suddenly feel the pain of the children having their limbs torn off and scattered, the agony of the mother's searching for their children in the rubble, the fear of families living in tents in large camps at the edge of a society that would rather they didn't exist. Would that stop them?
Imagine if the terrorists felt the burning on their own flesh as they thought of burning people alive in cages or saw their children's faces in the faces of the girls they kidnap and rape. Would that stop them?
Imagine if the bank leaders had to physically watch each suicide  and murder they have caused over and over and the results of those suicides on the families left  behind. Would that make them more compassionate?
Imagine if it were my children shivering in the cold, hungry and sick, lost and frightened, with people walking by pretending they don't exist. Would I not pick them up and do my best to keep them safe and warm? What of all the other children? What am I doing for them?
......... We seem to be on a rollercoaster heading very fast towards an unimaginable hell. Things have to change. Things must change.......
I have decided to write back. I sent a letter full of fear and despair, dismay and indignant anger and instead of being ignored I received a letter of peace, joy and hope and since I received it I have noticed all the love and selfless giving that has been happening all around me within the chaos we live in. This time I will write of my hopes for the world we can live in and have. I don't have any expectations of a reply but..................if more people wrote, even without sending it, the energy it gives out might just work wonders........ and invoke more action!
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