#tfw ur whole thing is friendship being ur power

[tharkflark1]

forgor to post these extra pony scribbles

[vaguely-concerned]

Let’s Read Victory of Eagles; the Prepare to Cry About William Laurence Edition

earlier temeraire let’s reads (yes I’m sticking with it)

- oh man starting with temeraire’s pov is such a good call, I don’t know if I could take getting plunged straight into laurence’s misery without some (very slight) levity first 

- lol and also crey @ laurence gently reminding these young guys how to keep him prisoner 

- temeraire on his way to revolutionize dragon politics after one damn month... I’m so proud ;___; on the other hand him thinking laurence is dead is... nope not processing this laurence is fine let’s not worry about it

- SURPRISE THARKAY! BEST KIND OF SURPRISE 

looool he just keeps coming to get laurence and finding him embroiled in some fresh catastrophe... I’m sorry ur bro is in another castle/war camp/ship wreck/prison tharkay you’re a champ for tracking him down again and again

- He has a new birb!!! good stuff. this part of them walking through the quiet ruined town is really striking too

- laurence feels like he can be just himself for the first time in months huh... cool cool cool

- “You and Temeraire would be welcome in other parts of the world. You may recall there is some semblance of civilization,” he added dryly, “in a few places, beyond the borders of England.”

fsdakhfdasdfsaflj a) I love him so much b) I  g u e s s  Tharkay kind of just asked Laurence to run away with him in his low-key sardonic way... super triple extra cool cool cool extremely admirable even if he and everyone else in the world knows it to be doomed 

resting his hand on his shoulder because he knows Laurence is gonna be Laurence about this... yeah okay just punch me in the heart

- tfw the guy you sort of have a thing for is determined to get himself killed for a government you feel exactly zero personal loyalty to and now you have to watch his back 🙄

- lol laurence is like ‘I’m not gonna start a fistfight’ 

five minutes later: granby pulls laurence out of a fistfight he started because someone talked shit about his dragon

- aw demane and sipho! good boys bein’ good boys 

- temeraire reciting principia mathematica to himself and changing his voice so he can pretend it’s laurence reading to him... that is under the belt naomi novik that is just mean

(all the funnier/more heartbreaking for knowing laurence has no fucking idea what he’s reading out loud when it comes to that book and would never have touched it if temeraire didn’t love it so much)

- “Oh,” Temeraire said, and sat back on his haunches. He was not quite sure what to say. “I am very sorry?” he offered, uncertainly. He supposed it must be very unpleasant to be a coward.

fjfjghfgj how is he so darling

- tbh perscitia is very much me when it comes to fighting; I too am small and slow and cripplingly overly aware of all the ways things can go wrong which everyone seems happy to overlook

- as a professional tharkay spotter: he is in fact present in the proceedings right now, he arrived at the same time as granby and had one (1) line of dialogue! I am not sure why everyone’s talking about this napoleon fella instead of specifying to me what precise dragon he hitched a ride with or what kind of babysitter arrangement he has put in place for his birb but y’know I’ll take what I can get

(there is a peculiar sort of satisfaction in getting reeeeaaal attached to a side character; this reminds me a lot of being nine and scrupulously scanning every page of a harry potter book for mentions of sirius, no matter how peripheral or inconsequential) 

- all of temeraire’s dragons are pure gold tbh, I especially like majestatis and his laconic competency (I may have a type)

- temeraire not getting why laurence isn’t responding to him quite as he should and laurence basically getting his affairs in order... William Laurence if you break both our hearts I will never fucking forgive you this is my stern voice

- adding a second (and tonally very different) pov is such a genius move at this point in the story; it really breathes new life into everything. 

- lady allendale is the real mvp, you can really see a lot of laurence’s good sides in a straight line from her to him

- oooooooooooooooooooooh roland dropping some truth bombs on laurence for being so very very honorable and so very very dumb

thank you jane I guess at least he’s pretty

- having to read laurence trying to convince all the people who love him to basically let him kill himself is extremely upsetting and I Do Not Care for it

- temeraire absent-mindedly putting ‘coming up with some way to let laurence live as long as me’ on his ‘to do’ list is Everything

but also he doesn’t even realize how wrong things are with his captain and I want to curl up in a ball. no bb no one is going to take him but he’s halfway through taking himself out :(

(I will say that there’s something about laurence’s incredible inflexibility and self loathing that is very relatable, which is probably why I’m so mad at him and also so scared for him. incidentally one of hanzo’s traits I really identify with. anyway onwards)

- ah of course granby was kidnapped I was wondering when something bad would happen to him in this book

- “You are not obliged -- ” Laurence began.

“No,” Tharkay agreed civilly, with one raised brow, and Laurence bowed and left it there. 

fdsfdklsalkjhfkjasdhfjkadshdsfhksdfjakh how... how can anyone be so impossibly lovely and so sarcastic in one word... my heart feels so full

but also ow b/c I think tharkay does see the state laurence is in and it must be extremely stressful to look out for all the swords your bro is determined to throw himself on 

- oF ALL THE DOORSTEPS IN ALL OF LONDON THEY HAD TO END UP AT LAURENCE’S EX’S how many mirrors has this poor man broken to end up here 

- oh uh wow I think I just murdered woolvey’s shitty racist ass with my mind I never even knew I had the power

- Tharkay seeming to suss out the whole Situation here at a glance... *prayer hands emoji*

-  Tharkay shook his head, and when Laurence looked at him said quietly: “It must be difficult to follow an officer of public repute, in the affections of a woman who loves courage.”

...

“My reputation is hardly one any sensible man would covet.”

“It does not name you a coward,” Tharkay said. “Whatever has Bertram Woolvey done?”

as observed completely impartially except for that one awful enormous crush he is developing lol

- oh no... woolvey died... this is... terrible.... *insert ‘shocked’ captain kirk reaction image here*

okay it does put edith in a genuinely awful situation, which super sucks. everything around her is like the one part of laurence’s self loathing that is sort of justified: he’s been making her life so much harder for so long. first she had to worry about her not-even-husband-yet getting lost at sea and he seems pretty emotionally distant, for all that he can be sweet, then he adopts a dragon and she is SUCH AN AFTERTHOUGHT to him in that process (because, as I have discussed earlier, william laurence should just not ask people to marry him b/c he never. actually. means. it. he just thinks he should I think)

and then, after finally disentangling herself emotionally from that she manages to marry a dude who’s a twit, but a twit who by all appearances treats her well and she’s happy -- and then Laurence shows up for three fucking hours and her HUSBAND IS SHOT DEAD 

most of laurence’s guilt is the useless self-flagellation of depression, but in this one case I’m a bit more ‘yeah okay valid bro’

- Laurence’s tendency to describe, in minute detail, what some dude is wearing even under the most dire of circumstances is so endearing. (also he barely ever does it with women; usually it’s like ‘and she was wearing idk a dress?’ lol)

- laurence’s superpower is inspiring people’s affection and loyalty and then wondering why they’re all not cool with him throwing himself off a cliff

- is tharkay like basically a scottish lord on his dad’s side and has been fucked over by either the system or the rest of his family. are you fucking kidding me jfksadflsadfj

- oh. oh okay that’s the king that’s super extra salt in the wound for our golden boy :I

- NOOOOOOOOOOO TEMERAIRE THINKS LAURENCE MIGHT BE ANGRY WITH HIM!!!!!! LAURENCE YOU BEAUTIFUL USELESS DUMBASS PLEASE SNAP OUT OF YOUR DEPRESSION LONG ENOUGH TO TELL YOUR DRAGON SON YOU’RE NOT ANGRY WITH HIM OR SO HELP ME I’LL... CRY AT YOU I GUESS

- okay so this is all very bleak and... borderline war crime-y and laurence is clearly In A Bad Way but also demane has just put every scrap of clothing he could find on his little brother, who now can barely walk for all the layers but is presumably nice and warm, and my heart is doing strange things in my chest

- “Laurence, what are you doing?” 

*ELMO SURROUNDED IN FLAMES GIF* MY BOY THARKAY BEING THE REAL MVP ASKING THE REAL QUESTIONS

this whole scene is so brief but so good fkdslahfaklsdhfaskld laurence literally slipping back out of dissociation and noticing the smells and sounds around him again... this is So Much, tharkay you fucking miracle of a man  

- there is something incredibly interesting about how laurence is just viscerally terrified by the things tharkay seems to represent to him -- that’s at least twice now that he’s thought straight out, in pretty much the same words, that tharkay’s way of living seems achingly lonely and untethered and frightening to him. (the first time is in black powder war, just as he’s about to give the offer of friendship that tharkay seems equal parts confused and touched by lol) laurence has this intense need to be part of something bigger than himself and doesn’t trust himself to know what’s right (...even tho he’ll historically still occasionally go off and do The Right Thing despite orders anyway because he’s a beautiful idiot), while tharkay obviously puts freedom and autonomy faaaar above any of that (understandably, from his background lol) 

and still it’s exactly this dude who woke laurence up to himself again and reminded him who he really is. this is the man he knew he’d be ‘sorrier to lose than yet I know’ and gooooddamn if he wasn’t right about that. I’m not ready to be coherent about it yet but uh wow this is A Lot

- the way novik writes laurence dissociating is. a bit too close to home, I’m not thrilled about this haha 

- LAURENCE IS TALKING TO HIS DRAGON SON AGAIN AND I CAN FINALLY BREATHE THANK YOU THARKAY

- also let me specify that tharkay coming in and ending laurence’s breakdown by just showing him that he, y’know. doesn’t have to commit borderline war crimes if he doesn’t want to is... yeah. when he’s like ‘yeah no bro I like you and all but this is fucked up I’m out’ and Laurence slowly puts the pieces together and goes ‘...that... is an option? F U C K’  is the Good Stuff (I’m being flippant about it but also I really mean it lol)  

- temeraire is giving the french uniforms the side eye for being boring and admiring the kilts... god bless him, focusing on the real things on the eve of battle

- gOD lien is so fucking COOL, celestial who actually knows wtf she’s doing OP pls nerf

ETA: also I’ve looked up some spoilers for the rest of this series (b/c there’s a couple of characters now who I’m so attached to that if they die I don’t even fucking care anymore lol), and apparently they never get to fight lien/meet her for too long again and can I just say... What The Fuck, why would you come up with such a compelling antagonist and not use her???  

- Tharkay, straight(hah)-faced: yeah I’m coming with you to australia on this prison ship nbd just curious about it that’s all 

Laurence, blinking back tears, barely getting the words out: cool bro 

(I think laurence has been like. crying or on the verge of crying in every single scene he and tharkay have been alone in this entire book. tharkay saw laurence through an ugly ugly divorce (with the government of england if not the land) and is still going with him to fucking australia. that’s how you know it’s love tbh, he’s done for)

also for the meme: AND THEY WERE SHIPMATES! OH MY GOD THEY WERE SHIPMATES!

ALSO also: tharkay getting granby a drink fdsafjsalkdjfh best boy, best friend 

- not connected to anything but I do appreciate that laurence is a rare extremely extroverted protagonist. he just really needs people around him and sort of wilts when he’s isolated, whether by circumstance or his own Stuff.  

- Oh man I really liked this one! the pacing worked better than the last one, the dual pov really shook things up, the new dragon characters were cool and Laurence had a lot of character development that has been in the cards since book 1, even if it was really upsetting while it happened. and Tharkay was there a lot, which is the surest way to my heart at this point, to be fair. 

[black-strike-otp]

part 32

♫♪ I fight for a love that I don’t fully believe. In my heart you’re a risk I’m willing to take but my head is telling me there’s too much at stake~ ♫♪

tfw ur like “pick up the pace already and dive ur ass into love asshole”

It was by mechanical recall alone that took Blackout to the med-bay. His thoughts were dispersed upon the cosmos; an infinite amount of questions and curiosities. At first, he wasn’t even aware that the hum of the doors before him were opening as he stepped close enough for the automated entry to process a presence had stepped close.

The brights lights nor the medic brought him back to reality, but the face on the berth that turned to him.

“Blackout,” Novastrike whispered with relief as she spotted him. Her voice hard stricken him even across the distance of the room louder than the crashing of canon fire or bellowed threats ever had.

... you never truly loved her in the first place…

Masking the urge to smile at the little femme, Blackout strode into the room and over to the berth where the medic stood beside Novastrike. She seemed completely disinterested in his entry; her servos inspecting Nova’s protoform.

Pieces of silver armor were lying on the berth beside the small femme. It took Blackout a few nanokliks to realize that they were from Novastrike’s chassis and he looked quickly off to the side, embarrassed.

Completely oblivious to the exposed areas of her chassis, Nova spoke up calmly, “Shouldn’t you be the one getting inspected first? Your wounds appear worse...”

“I can wait,” Blackout rumbled.

The medic finally looked over at him, noticing his gaze cast aside. “Oh, would you relax,” she hissed. “It’s not like her spark chamber is visible, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Instantly flustered, Blackout moved to cross his arms in front of his chassis.

“Have a seat,” the medic went on, ushering her servo to the berth.

“There’s room by me,” Novastrike offered.

Intelligence and common sense might have told Blackout to go sit at another berth, but instinct and a sickening craving to please had his aft on the berth before he even registered he’d moved.

It took effort not to stare. He could feel Nova’s optics upon him, but all he could dared look at was his servos. There were too many reservations in him; too many concerns, too many doubts and uncertainties. Looking to her was a distraction. He couldn’t think clearly and evaluate his own thoughts.

What by the name of Primus did Guard know? The crazy old fool was saying he loved Novastrike when he only just knew the basis of his career and his upbringings. What made him the expert on his emotions? How could he possibly know that he was in love, especially before he did?

Well, that last question was stupid since he wasn’t sure what love would feel like to begin with.

But love? That was outrageous. Sure, he enjoyed Novastrike’s company. She was different. Softer than anyone he’d ever met, much more compassionate, gentle, caring. But to love her? That was insane. Her friendship was just a nice commodity to working for Guard and making sure he didn’t leave the crew of the Rising Star unable to defend themselves. He could have left this whole time; he could have easily boarded that ship without a second thought. But he had made a vow, and he was determined to keep it.

It had nothing to do with Novastrike.

Absolutely nothing.

“You’re very lucky, there doesn’t appear to be any damage to your primary power cord from your spark chamber is undamaged,” the medic stated. “But it looks like we’ll need some sealant for some cracks in your energon lines, and a few replacement parts. I’ll have your armor fixed when I’m done with you and work on Blackout. Now, stay put while I go find some pieces.”

Blackout watched the medic as she walked past him to head over to where she kept her supplies. She passed a side-glance at him as she past that looked vaguely pointed. What the frag was that about? Probably blaming him for what happened to Nova, but why did she have a knowing look about her?

“Blackout?”

Slag.

Gradually, he turned his helm down and over to Novastrike. A portion of himself caved slightly, seeing the light of her optics that portrayed so much kindness and concern.

“Are you okay?” she asked quietly.

“I’ll be fine,” he rumbled. “I’ve had worse. Remember? I told you the same thing when you brought me on board the ship and I awoke from stasis.”

A half-smile slowly crept on the femme’s face. It faded slowly, and her ears fell back as her optics shuttered slightly.

“I... I killed that mech. Does that mean I’m going to The Pit when I pass?” Nova asked in a cracked voice.

Taken aback, Blackout pulled his shoulders back slightly and narrowed his optics. A smile formed slowly on his face and he shook his helm slowly.

“No, Novastrike. For one, you offlined that mech protecting someone else. And even with that someone being me, it was an act of compassion. Secondly, Primus himself would weep at the thought of placing such a caring femme filled with so much empathy, generosity, and selflessness in The Pits.”

The little femme blinked rapidly in surprise. “You think all those things about me?”

Why did answering this question feel like he was digging a hole and burying himself alive?

“I’m sure there’s not a Cybertronian who has met you that doesn’t think the same thing,” Blackout vaguely answered.

Nova’s ears raised up slightly and she vented a sigh. A troubled look still brewed in her optics.

“I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to do that,” Blackout murmured. His servo twitched, itching to reach out and provide comfort but he restrained himself.

A faint noise of disagreement escaped her, shaking her helm. “It hurts me that I had to do that,” she whispered. “The last thing I want to do is to take anyone’s life. There’s so much more that mech could have offered to the world. He could have had dreams, plans, ideas on how to fix Cybertron, on how to help our species, on where we would go. He could have loved someone or someone could love him.”

“But it’s strange,” she went on, “that when I think back on the moment and the impulsive action I took, I know I could have did things differently. Yet I can’t make myself regret the outcome that... you’re okay. That in the heat of the moment, I made a terrible choice, but it still didn’t end... as badly as it could have. Does that make me bad?”

Blackout’s words escaped them before he even had time to evaluate them: “Not in the least. You were fighting for something you felt value in. No fight should be without cause. You’re not a bad Cybertronian, Novastrike, you reacted on compulsion.”

Quirking her mouth to the side with doubt, Novastrike cast her optics to the side. A quiet rush of air left her ventilation system. She began to scoot slowly over on her rump in his direction.

Unsure what was happening, Blackout raised an optic ridge. He watched with apprehension as she moved, until she leaned slightly against his leg.

“Can I rest in your lap?” she asked, her voice showing exhaustion.

No, Blackout’s thoughts snarled. Don’t fall for it, don’t do it-

He reached down, carefully scooping the small femme up with one servo to slide her onto his leg.

You dumbaft, his thoughts growled, slapping him internally.

~

Rubbing her helm slightly into Blackout’s side like a cat marking what’s theirs, Novastrike drew her legs closer her leaned into the large mech. The reek of a vicious massacre was all over his him and all the more potent pressed against him. It should have felt petrifying to be this close.

The scents were so strong it left a palatable flavor most vile on her glossia. She swallowed it down, feeling it churn in her tanks. The taste of death was something you had to get used to when being in Blackout’s presence.

Ever so slowly, the blue light of her optics began to flicker until they went offline. Nova could focus on the sound of Blackout’s spark. It was muffled; an almost indistinguishable thumping moving through the scarred, rough texture of his armor.

Her own spark quivered in response, humming faintly.

“Thank you,” Novastrike slurred, feeling all of her adrenaline and energy leaving her in small body.

Blackout’s blood-energon coated digits were close. She could smell them before he curled his servo slightly around her frame.

“No worries,” Blackout echoed in that alien tone of softness that sometimes came from him. “You’re quite welcome, Novastrike.”

It was so safe here; perfectly guarded, sheltered, out of the way of anything that would ever wish to harm her. She felt impervious. Indestructible. Fearless.

~

“Alright, I found everything we’ll be needing,” the medic chimed, meandering over. She glanced around slightly with befuddlement before Blackout shifted his servo just slightly.

The beaming smile she provided in response nauseated Blackout deeply.

“Do you mind working on me right now, and letting her rest? I don’t want to wake her since she’s recharging so well.” Blackout inquired.

That damn ridiculous look of apprehension appeared on the femme’s face. “Of course,” she agreed.

He’d give a thousand credits to have that smirk marked off the medic’s face.

~

Overhearing commotion outside the medical room the next day, Blackout roused from his recharge later than normal. He went to sit up and froze, hearing the tired murmurs of someone.

He turned his helm slightly. Curled up beside his neck was a tiny femme.

Blackout rolled his optics and vented.

< You’re awake. >

Blackout nearly jolted at Scorponok’s thoughts intrusively entering his helm. He sat up carefully and slowly not to disturb Novastrike from her slumber.

< It seems that way. >

The pitter-patter of the bug’s pronged pedes echoed from the floor and Blackout glanced down to spot his partner.

< You don’t look any worse than normal, > Scorponok observed.

< Thanks for your concern. >

< Medic femme said you were going to be fine. >

The voices continued outside of the room, followed by pedes moving swiftly around.

< What’s going on out there? > Blackout asked, reaching up to his chassis to inspect the patches on him. The medic had been rather testy about his injures last night. Something about how he needed to be more careful and still needed more recuperation from his last battle. He’d stopped listening at some point so he wasn’t completely sure.

A chatter escaped the bug as he wriggled. < Autobots outside, > he answered.

Blackout tensed. His optics flickered down to look at the recharging, curled up little femme on the berth for a moment.

Swinging his legs off the side of the berth, Blackout stood up. Scorponok offered him a quiet whirring sound as he stepped back to give his master space.

< Let's go see what this is all about, > he responded through the bond unpleasantly.

Giving a single click in response, Scorponok scuttled beside Blackout as he went to the door.

~

“You’re telling me you ain’t seen no Decepticons?”

Guard nodded to the mech, offering a supremely convincing look of confusion. “No, we’re just humble bots trying to refuel our ship,” he responded, gesturing back to the Rising Star.

The mechs appeared unconvinced. They exchanged glances, and then turned their suspicious gazes back to Guard. “If you see anything funny, you wouldn’t mind radioing us, would you?”

“I don’t see why not,” Guard answered with the utmost friendly smile. “We hardly want any trouble with any Decepticons. How do you think our vessel got so battered?”

Again, the group of Autobots traded glances. They appeared slightly more understanding now.

“Alright, sir, we appreciate your help,” one of the mechs stated, reaching out a servo. “It's just a heavy blow on our team to lose so many great soldiers.”

Guard reached out, grasping the Autobot’s servo tightly. “This war has been a great loss on us all,” he agreed with a slightly biting tone. “I’m sorry for your loss. If it helps, we did see a Decepticon ship a few days ago heading off Epads...”

“We’re aware of that particular starship,” another Autobot stated. “We were following it. But the individual we believe caused his homicide was alone.”

Guard’s grip tightened on the Autobot’s servo he was shaking. There was a slight look of terror growing on the smaller mech’s face, like he was alarmed the massive elder bot was going to crush his digits.

“How strange,” Guard mused. “Must have been an awfully dangerous, large Cybertronian.”

“Indeed,” the Autobot responded frostily.

“Sir-” the mech squealed, tugging on his servo. Lubricant shimmered in his optics. “Sir you’re crushing me-”

“Oh,” Guard innocently remarked, releasing the mech. “My apologies youngster, sometimes a mech forgets their own strength.”

The Autobot didn’t respond, but merely went to cradle his servo against his chassis as he sniffled.

“Leave him with our call sign,” another Autobot stated, looking to one of his acquaintances.

Nodding in response, one of the mechs stepped forward and offered a small holographic card with their signal’s frequency.

Guard tipped his helm, accepting the card. “Much obliged.”

As the Autobots transformed and headed back in the direction they’d come from, Guard raised his servo to wave farewell. He kept his gaze fixated on the horizon as he spoke to Neutroboost beside him, “Tell the android that his team needs to fix as much as they can by nightfall. We’ll be taking any replacement parts and tools they’ll allow and finish up the rest ourselves.”

Neutroboost nodded grimly. “Yes, sir.”

Guard watched as Neutro wandered towards the Delta facility. He could hear the large footsteps approaching him from behind. It was easy enough to figure who it would be.

“You should have let me deal with them,” Blackout rumbled.

Calmly and casually, Guard shook his helm and responded, “Unnecessary. We’ve got what we need and will otherwise take whatever else we will need with us. If you’re staying, I ask that you return to the Rising Star. I’m confident that they’re going to be spying on us until we leave to make sure we’re not harboring any Decepticons on board, so it would be wise for you to go unseen.”

A deep rumble emitted from Blackout. Guard had a feeling he wanted to argue his point, but the mech turned slowly and his pedesteps retreated back towards the ship.

Finally the old mech turned just to see Blackout’s figure disappear inside the Rising Star where his partner was waiting.

A vent escaped the old mech, and he glanced off to the side.

Such a stubborn mech. He reminded Guard so much of himself in his youth. He only prayed that for his own sake, Blackout would grow up a lot faster than he had.

[cliveboney]

update post?? nothing important just general life stuff

im losing my entire goddamn mind holy shit i have this friend i met at school last semester and we haven’t talked since the last day of class 3 months ago and now it’s the 3rd week of the new semester & i miss him so much im yelling out of my ass whole im such a shit idiot fucking fool i have his number i could literally text him any time i could text him Right Now but i m a coward idk whta to say???? i texted the other two friends i made easy peasy but for some reason w/ this friend it feels different??? im so mad????? i jsut want 2 hang out w/ him again but we dont have any classes together this semester bc he’s taking a bunch of classes i already took im gjkg jfuckiiggn yghejgjg

we have this mutual acquaintance, right, because ok heres the Scoop i had 3 classes last semester & this friend was in all 3 of them so we saw each other basically every day for like 4 months straight, right. and this other girl was in two of those classes so we both knew her and talked to her n everything ok. this semester im taking 2 classes & shes in one of them so i got talking to her & she told me that the friend is in 2 of her classes AND briefly mentioned that he said something along the lines of expressing a general sentiment of wishing i was in one of those classes aDN IM JSUS T

TFW U MISS SOMEONE BUT U DONT KNOW IF IT’S TOO LATE TO REACH OUT TO THEM & ITS NOT LIKE THEY EVER CONTACTED U SO MAYBE U WERENT ACTUALLY AS IMPORTANT TO THEM AS U THOUGHT BUT THEN U FIND OUT THEY THOUGHT ABOUT U OUT LOUD AND U JUST KINDA SCREAM FOR LIKE 3 HOURS I GUESS???????????

but that was almost 2 weeks ago & ive been fighting myself abt texting him ever since hjghdjhgjdg like do u ever lie down on the floor and just miss someone rly hard for 10 min even tho u know it’s STUPID bc u have the goddamn power to end the circumstances causing u to miss them but ur too busy being a Fucking Loser to actually do it UGH literally obliterate me from the earth’s crust

lmfaoooo i was like interrogating that other friend about the class shes in with him like what time it started & ended & what room it was in and i was like “not that im gonna fuckin show up or anything im just curious” & that was true at the time (i ask questions as i think of them bc i just like to Know things) but the fuckin number of times since then ive legitimately considered just like going over there & hanging around so that maybe we’ll meet up god im such a fucking loser demolish my house i look for him every time i walk around campus even tho i know hes not around i h8 myself

Listen i got him 2 watch mob psycho i let him check out a book on my library card for class this isnt the kind of friendship u can just let go alrigh t this is fReal Shit i have gto fuckcigngg,,, ;., hHhhH

if a real live meteor landed on my house rn id be like thats fair bc look at me im an actual disgrace bye