#testosterone continues to be my patron saint in this

[metallteeff]

dandy from yesterday lol

[riuterlabs]

File 1.5: CodeName C0UNT0NH3R

NAME: Jennifer Straw / Robert “Oz” S. Ozymandias

SPECIES: Transmuted

SUBSPECIES: Type 3

MATERIAL: Strawberry and Grape jelly

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:

~Date~

17:47 of the Eight of Zannes of the 170 of the 6th Aeon

~&Date~

~Comm~

Greetings, Dr. Germanium.

Firstly, I would like to apologize for my absence, I have been really busy looking for someone you can count on. And, well, it seems like I found her, so you will not have to worry about those, habits of yours.

~&Comm~

~Desc~

The last month of Tolmaral I had a rather unusual encounter. A mysterious hooded figure snook into the laboratories and gave me two strange viales which they commanded me to try and test, telling me they where the key to not only taking malleable biology to the next evolutionary step, but also to unify the three species malleabilizing the human race as a whole.

For that matter, I took advantage of the fact that I was already searching for a lawyer for Dr. Germanium to look for a good lab assistant.

After two long months of intense searching, I decided to ask Dr. Gums for some help, and he, joyfully, told me he knew about the perfect person for the situation.

She brought me to a house in the western zone of the city of Libertas, neighbor to our dear Saint’s Bed. She knocked.

And the one at the other side of the door, our subject, our protector…

Was none other than Robert S. Ozymandias, better known as Oz, exactly, the infamous law-twisting, evidence-fabricating lawyer who would do anything for a non-guilty verdict.

After almost running away, completely disappointed for such a waste of time, I sensed some known smell, the penetrating fragrance of strawberries and grapes, something I had not experienced in a very long time, which ignited my suspects that I already knew her.

And, of course, Oz turned out to be nothing more than a facade, a character, a mask to cover a Transmuted called Jennifer Straw. Ahh, good old Straw.

Now, the caring reader will ask, “Why are you wasting my time, Dr. Thomson? Go straight to the point!” To which I will answer saying that in order to continue I would need to go back some years, to my University years.

Almost ten years ago, when a young and extremely malleophobe Jack was making his place in the University of Libertas’ Department of Biology, I met three people, my three best friends and my three main partners at that time:

Héctor Toledano, a prestigious Organic Chemistry student and amateur “cook” whose family is rumored to descend from immigrants from a galaxy far away from here.

Karl Hammond, future Mechanic Engineer and Demolitions Expert.

And, finally, Jennifer Straw, who was defending her clients even before finishing her degree.

Some good day, Héctor told us about his money problems, and his plans to solve them. His wonderful idea was to start synthesizing testosterone, a pretty much needed supplement in this estrogen-rich atmosphere of ours, and sell it. We, of course, instantly refused the idea, well, all of us except Straw, who cited several articles and laws according to which, this whole operation was completely “legal”.

This way, in spite of my refusal, I cooperated and, with my knowledge in Organic Chemistry, we ended up as the main dealers of the zone.

We had such a level of success that people dedicated us a ballad and a nickname which i would like to forget, The Free Eggs.

Ahh, Good times.

The conversation between Dr. Gums, Mrs. Straw and I will be uploaded soon in a separated file.

~&Desc~

~ImgInfo~

In this image we can see Straw herself, with a pose that expresses her energetic and eccentric personality, her University Title, with the Law School’s motto, “May Death bring Justice, May Justice bring Peace”, signed by the Great Sovereign himself.

We can also see a medallion with the icon of the Skull and Spears, emblem of the Patron Core of Death, Justice and Peace.

To her left we can appreciate a screen with an old commercial, starring Marlene Greatwoman, or some lookalike, crying and lamenting because she just lost her job as a main role of a movie after the director found some suspicious cider on her dressing room, regretting not counting on Oz and saying that annoying catchphrase of her, you know which one, “Count on Oz!”.

Floating inside her body we can see some objects like syringes, a lawyer’s badge, two cubes of caramel of my production, some strange rocket-like objects and several strange, sandy and glowing crystals that seemed to be looking at me…

~&ImgInfo~

I will report any new discoveries.

Dr. Camelia Thomson, Malleable Genetics and Histology.

RiuterLabs

File 1.5: CodeName C0UNT0NH3R

NAME: Jennifer Straw / Robert “Oz” S. Ozymandias

SPECIES: Transmuted

SUBSPECIES: Type 3

MATERIAL: Strawberry and Grape jelly

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:

~Date~

17:47 of the Eight of Zannes of the 170 of the 6th Aeon

~&Date~

~Comm~

Greetings, Dr. Germanium.

Firstly, I would like to apologize for my absence, I have been really busy looking for someone you can count on. And, well, it seems like I found her, so you will not have to worry about those, habits of yours.

~&Comm~

~Desc~

The last month of Tolmaral I had a rather unusual encounter. A mysterious hooded figure snook into the laboratories and gave me two strange viales which they commanded me to try and test, telling me they where the key to not only taking malleable biology to the next evolutionary step, but also to unify the three species malleabilizing the human race as a whole.

For that matter, I took advantage of the fact that I was already searching for a lawyer for Dr. Germanium to look for a good lab assistant.

After two long months of intense searching, I decided to ask Dr. Gums for some help, and he, joyfully, told me he knew about the perfect person for the situation.

She brought me to a house in the western zone of the city of Libertas, neighbor to our dear Saint’s Bed. She knocked.

And the one at the other side of the door, our subject, our protector…

Was none other than Robert S. Ozymandias, better known as Oz, exactly, the infamous law-twisting, evidence-fabricating lawyer who would do anything for a non-guilty verdict.

After almost running away, completely disappointed for such a waste of time, I sensed some known smell, the penetrating fragrance of strawberries and grapes, something I had not experienced in a very long time, which ignited my suspects that I already knew her.

And, of course, Oz turned out to be nothing more than a facade, a character, a mask to cover a Transmuted called Jennifer Straw. Ahh, good old Straw.

Now, the caring reader will ask, “Why are you wasting my time, Dr. Thomson? Go straight to the point!” To which I will answer saying that in order to continue I would need to go back some years, to my University years.

Almost ten years ago, when a young and extremely malleophobe Jack was making his place in the University of Libertas’ Department of Biology, I met three people, my three best friends and my three main partners at that time:

Héctor Toledano, a prestigious Organic Chemistry student and amateur “cook” whose family is rumored to descend from immigrants from a galaxy far away from here.

Karl Hammond, future Mechanic Engineer and Demolitions Expert.

And, finally, Jennifer Straw, who was defending her clients even before finishing her degree.

Some good day, Héctor told us about his money problems, and his plans to solve them. His wonderful idea was to start synthesizing testosterone, a pretty much needed supplement in this estrogen-rich atmosphere of ours, and sell it. We, of course, instantly refused the idea, well, all of us except Straw, who cited several articles and laws according to which, this whole operation was completely “legal”.

This way, in spite of my refusal, I cooperated and, with my knowledge in Organic Chemistry, we ended up as the main dealers of the zone.

We had such a level of success that people dedicated us a ballad and a nickname which i would like to forget, The Free Eggs.

Ahh, Good times.

The conversation between Dr. Gums, Mrs. Straw and I will be uploaded soon in a separated file.

~&Desc~

~ImgInfo~

In this image we can see Straw herself, with a pose that expresses her energetic and eccentric personality, her University Title, with the Law School’s motto, “May Death bring Justice, May Justice bring Peace”, signed by the Great Sovereign himself.

We can also see a medallion with the icon of the Skull and Spears, emblem of the Patron Core of Death, Justice and Peace.

To her left we can appreciate a screen with an old commercial, starring Marlene Greatwoman, or some lookalike, crying and lamenting because she just lost her job as a main role of a movie after the director found some suspicious cider on her dressing room, regretting not counting on Oz and saying that annoying catchphrase of her, you know which one, “Count on Oz!”.

Floating inside her body we can see some objects like syringes, a lawyer’s badge, two cubes of caramel of my production, some strange rocket-like objects and several strange, sandy and glowing crystals that seemed to be looking at me…

~&ImgInfo~

I will report any new discoveries.

Dr. Camelia Thomson, Malleable Genetics and Histology.

RiuterLabs

[renaroo]

Rena what the actual Hell is Trouble and is it canon?

In the early 2000s when Mark Millaaaaaar was allowed to have his way with Marvel Editorial in light of bankruptcy and near certain financial ruin, he made the most GrimDarky and stupid comics that have ever been etched into paper with what must have been the blood of a newborn mutant on The Bus That Blew Up. 

Basically the early 2000s Marvel was like a pimp and their IPs were up for bid and Mark Millar, Patron Saint of Angry 13 Year Old Boys (bless Lindsay Ellis for this description), was given an entire universe in which he made angry, testosterone filled versions of all the Marvel characters. This became known as Ultimate Comics. And they almost all suck. The ones that suck the least weren’t written by Millaarky and the ones that suck most were half written by MarkyMilkarky and a few by that homophobic sci-fi writer who decided that Tony Stark’s entire body should be blue because he was made of braincells 

Anyway, despite the general quality of comics produced by Marvel at the time being roughly rated as vomit, they made a lot of money because of Marvel Zombies, which used to be airheads who bought Marvel comics only in spite of quality until my fellow Kentuckian Robert Kirkman made Marvel Zombies TM and pissed a lot of them off with the lampooning. 

Because Marvel needed Money in order to turn their logo from Red to in the Black again, they asked Milltoast to write more things! More gimicky things! More darky dark dank thiings! More bloody things!

And like all 9 year olds with red crayons tearing through their older sibling’s comic book collection, he tore through every Marvel property that wasn’t being adequately destroyed by Chuck Austintonian at the time. 

Happy that they would make their next loanshark payment and probably not have to sell Spider-Man’s soul to Satan Y E T they decided that their next gimmick needed to be attractive to female audiences. It was 2003 and racism was still in full swing but sexism was starting to get MAYBE questionable despite whale tails being the fashion statement of choice in ever Jim Lee character redesign. 

And 13 year old boys think that girls like stupid things. But they want their attention anyway. Because they like girls. Almost as much as they’re scared of them. 

So obviously the gimick for girls wasn’t Gross Sticky Stinky Blood but obbbbbvvvvvviiiiiiiously sex.

HOT DIRTY SEX TIMES but who would write it. They were still Red Marvel and not in the black yet but SOMEONE on their All New All Male All Suck roster had been making the bank, so Mark Mi$$ar was asked to bring back a genre of comics that used to outsell superhero comics before the Comics Code Authority took away our HOT DIRTY SEX TIMES by force of uh not having a sticker on the corner of the cover

Markillary was happy to oblige and came up with a FULL PROOF, GUARANTEED, DEFINITELY GOING TO BE CANON WELL PAST SELLING A SEX TO THE DEVIL sexy romp. And Marvel was like FUCK YES.

What came of this unholy concoction of greed, lust, and vanity was a simple story about a magical summer between high school and college between four teens -- brothers Ben and Richard, and best friends May and Mary. 

They all were going to spend the summer working at an exclusive resort in the Hamptons where SEEEEHHHHXXXX is forbidden somehow but all the teenagers in uniforms are going to Find A Way Anyhow because nothing says true love like a sex-craved May straddling on Ben’s crotch and teasing a condom open with the phrase “FACE IT TIGER, YOU JUST HIT THE JACKPOT”

What continues is five issues of absolute fucking hell -- with Marty Mills emphasizing the fucking and me personally emphasizing the hell as May, Ben, Richard, and Mary are revealed to be Peter Parker’s parents swinging around wildly with their youthful sexhavingings and talks about sexhavinings and --

Have you ever seen Caddyshack? It’s Caddyshack with only the pregnancy melodrama because

OH THAT’S RIGHT. PETER PARKER IS CONCEIVED DURING THIS RAMPAGE OF HORMONES except.... not by Mary and Richard.

See, Mary and Richard’s (sub???)plot is that Mary is a good Catholic girl who looks identical to Gwen Stacy, so while Ben and May are GETTING CRAZY to the point that you start to get concerned (along with Ben) that May is a bit of a nymphomaniac. And she ends up sleeping with both of the Parker boys eventually. 

WHICH LEADS TO THE BIG REVEAL THAT PETEY PARKER IS AUNT MAY’S BIOLOGICAL SON ALL ALONG 

but who’s the dad who knows (it’s richard) who cares because no one wanted this to be in question in the first place

Like. There’s so much to qustion about all of this, but what disturbs me the most is that they legitimately could not think of better character designs for the younger versions of these characters so they had May look identical to Mary Jane Watson and Mary look identical to Gwen Stacy -- like there aren’t enough questionable problems to assign to Peter let’s pile on some of that

No I take it back the most disturbing thing about this is that they were going to have this be the pre-DEVIL AT THE CROSSROADS TAKES YOUR WIFE origin of Peter Parker’s birth

NO THE MOST DISTURBING THING is that Marvel and Marked Millahew thought that this was going to be something that attracted new female readers to comics. And hired a French photographer to take pictures of what looks like actual preteen girls in bikinis doing. questionable poses and things 

Anyway that’s Trouble. Five issues of Aunt May fucking Ben and Richard in what they keep TELLING me is the 70s but I see no evidence of it.