#terriers can hear you yelling ''stop stop! for the love of god stop'' but that sounds like a You Problem

[underthehedge]

The dark side of this is having terriers because they also have hardwired jobs, except their is killing.

And one day your dog will see something the right kind of small and furry, or a hole that's the right kind of size, and something in their brain activates like a sleeper agent assassin that's just received a phone call saying "Indigo-blue code three-niner-five; the seagull roosts at midnight".

Not to sound like I was raised by protestants, but I think those kids who argue that it's animal abuse to put working dog breeds to work doing the tasks they were bred and born for have simply genuinely never encountered the concept that they, too, could be genuinely happier if they could do work they found wortwhile and enjoyable. Like engaging in useful and constructive activities might genuinely make life better than a life of doing absolutely nothing because nobody's making you do anything.

[rametarin]

Psychotic bitch games.

I sure do love being stuck here, dealing with a passive aggressive pile of shit. Playing the, "I couldn't hear you, can you speak up?" game, where she pretends to be unable to hear what I say, interrupting me halfway through and demanding that I repeat myself louder.

But it's always a trap. If you try and shortcut the number of repetitions by MAKING FUCKING SURE THE CUNT CAN HEAR IT, she gets angry and tells you to stop yelling at her. Turning her television up to full bars, sitting beside the AC, making sure two box fans are blowing in the background, and she's mad people are raising their voice to communicate with her, rather than repeating themselves until they find the magic just-right quiet volume.

If you're going to tell me to speak up louder four times, four iterations of raising my voice, I'm going to make good god damned sure you can hear it. The audacity to be pissed off someone makes sure you can hear them. I'm not going to waste my breath after mowing the fucking lawn in this heat and humidity just to be tugged along like a jack russel fucking terrier at the end of a tug-of-war rope. I ABSOLUTELY ABHORE BEING TOLD TO REPEAT MYSELF, especially when they wait until I'm 3/4ths of the way through what I'm saying, each time.

If there's one thing I hate more than being given orders or ultimatums to follow them or suffer: It's being made to REPEAT orders, or else suffer.

Heat got up to fucking 94 degrees in New England today, absolutely mega humid, and this evil fucking cunt is playing these games. Just to rub that dilemma in my face of either tolerating her bullshit, or going and living in a gutter.

I long for the freedom and independence for when cunts try to do this to assert dominance or ruin my god damned day, they have no recourse and no way to impose consequences for being ignored. When you take those away, they get awfully friendly, awfully quick, because they have no means of being an asshole and enforcing it with consequences. Give them any hint or shadow of power over you to ruin your life if they see fit, and those sadistic fucking cunts will just tapdance all over your existence.

She doesn't just want tedious chores done, which are understandable, she wants them done in repetition for no other purpose than to force me to exert more effort. Not even to do a better job; just to monopolize my time and force me to exert effort. Because it's not about the fucking tasks, it's about forcing the dilemma.

She refuses to invest in any measures to take care of her yard. She just buys a fucking lawnmower and tries to get me to do something about the fucking parasitic vines taking over the yard and wishes the best of luck. Won't buy weedkiller, won't hire a professional with tools, just expects the most simple of hand tools and the most effort be expended.

And I can't help but think she tossed the fucking parasitic vines into the yard in the first place, just to give me something to do.

[marybethsjournal]

Ummm hiya.. if I may be so bold can I request Charles Smith x f reader nsfw them doing the deed at Sean’s party behind on of the wagons

I’m sorry if it’s weird🥲

Not weird at all! This is my first time writing Charles, though, so let me know if this isn’t what you’re looking for and I will rewrite it!

Just Be Quiet (Charles x f! reader)

Word Count: 1680

Warnings: 18+, smut

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29786193

Sean was finally back and you couldn’t be happier. After Blackwater, you had thought he had been a goner for sure. People in the gang had started to speak of Sean like he had passed, which made Karen flip out. You had spent many a late night comforting her, telling her that you were sure he was out there somewhere. It stung a little to tell her what you assumed to be a lie.

But the Irish Terrier was back and better than ever, cracking jokes, drinking, and trying his best to seduce Karen. Dutch had authorized the gang to throw a little party for him and you were more than glad to participate. Any celebration in these hard times of being hunted by the law was welcomed.

The party went on for several hours and involved lots of singing and drinking. You spent most of the party looking on from one of far sides of camp, keeping Sadie and Abigail company. You had always felt close to Abigail and since Sadie had joined the gang, you’d taken a shine to her too. Therefore, out of a sense of loyalty, you stood by their side instead of going off the rails like the other members of the gang. You couldn’t say that you hadn’t had a drink or two, though. You were glad that everyone was having a break from the stress of life and didn’t mind watching everyone enjoy their night. Besides, it was a little funny to watch your drunken friends sing a chorus or pretend they were Parisian ladies.

It was around midnight when Charles approached you and asked you to dance. You were over the moon, of course you wanted to dance with him, but you checked with Sadie to make sure it was alright first. Abigail had ran off to yell at John about something and if you left, Sadie would be all alone. Sadie gave you a small smile and assured you it was alright, you should enjoy your night. You and Sadie parted ways, her going to bed, and you being led by Charles to the wagon next to Abigail and Jack’s tent. It was close enough to the campfire to hear the gang singing out of tunes and laughing, but far enough away that no one was actually in your line of sight or could hear what you were saying if you talked softly.

Upon arriving at your destination, you immediately pulled Charles into a big bear hug. He was much stronger than you and could have pulled you off him if he wanted to, but instead he caressed your hair and told you that he had missed you. You looked into his eyes and knew that he was sorry about the last couple of weeks. Nothing bad had happened between you two, but everything had been so busy since Colter that you two had barely exchanged words. It had crushed you, but you understood. Charles had orders from Dutch constantly. Ever since the loss of Davey and supposedly Mac, a lot more things fell on Charles’s  shoulders.

None of that mattered anymore, though. Right here, right now, you were in his arms and that’s what you really cared about. You felt like you were going to cry of happiness when he told you he loved you and proceeded to cup your face in his big hands and kiss you gently. This was Heaven on Earth.

You were a bit clunky at dancing and so was Charles, truth be told. But it was still lovely, Charles twirling you around and softly singing to you. The moment felt so intimate, your hands on Charle’s shoulders and the two of you looking into each other’s eyes. You never wanted the moment to end.

“Come here, my dove. You look so beautiful tonight.” you blushed at the compliment and hugged him again like he wanted you to. How could you resist being in the arms of your big, strong man?

The moment, which was meant to be wholesome, took a turn when you pressed a little too close to him and felt that he was hard. You became acutely aware of just how long it has been since the two of you had been with each other. And now you were thinking about it, you couldn’t think about anything else.

“I’m sorry, love. Didn’t mean to ruin our moment.” Charles, knowing that you had noticed, told you apologetically.

“No I- I want it.” you looked up at him, cheeks flushed.

Charles was taken aback. “Soon. Once we can get out of here, maybe we can get a room at the hotel tomorrow.” But even as he said this, his eyes were glazing over in lust.

“Why not here? Nobody’s looking.” you practically begged him.

Charles hesitated, he was rather shy and didn’t want to get caught. But when you began palming him through his pants, it became too much for him.

“Okay, just try to be quiet. I love your moans but I really don’t want anyone to hear.” he warned as he lowered his pants, not completely taking them off in case he quickly needed to pull them back on.

You weren’t as worried so you let your skirt drop onto the grass and pulled off your bloomers quickly. You weren’t worried about too much foreplay tonight, just wanted it quick and fast. There’d be plenty of time for everything else another day.

Charles whistled at you when you turned around to face him, naked from the waist down. “That’s my girl.” The words never failed to make you go red in the face.

Charles turned you around and lifted your right leg onto the wagon wheel. You could feel his hot, heavy breath on his neck behind you and wanted nothing more than you to fuck you mercilessly, but Charles wasn’t that kind of man. He always prepped you beforehand no matter how horny he was. It made you more desperate and needy in the moment, but in the long run, you were more than grateful for it. Charles was very large and thick and fucking you unprepped would surely hurt.

You looked back at Charles as he stuck two of fingers in his mouth to coat them before pushing his digits into you, slowly at first, but in a faster rhythm as he began to open you up. You moaned softly, trying to remember to keep it down, and took his dick in your hand. You began to move your hand back and forth, attempting to keep the same rhythm that he was using to finger you. You couldn’t help but keep your head turned to him, you loved to watch his face in concentration when he was pleasuring you. 

After a few minutes of you pressing back on him and fucking yourself on your fingers, you had absolutely soaked his fingers. He praised you quietly, telling you how good you were doing, before pulling his fingers out of you and positioning himself behind you.

“Fuck, please, Charles.” you would have gladly begged more but Charles didn’t have it in him to tease you tonight. He kissed your neck as he pushed himself into. 

You groaned at the sheer size of him. Even having prepped you, it still took a moment for you to adjust to him. Never one to be lost on how to make you feel good during the whole experience, Charles rubbed your clit and whispered in your ear about how good you were for him. God, your brain was going fuzzy already.

Soon enough, you became used to his size and gave him the go ahead to begin thrusting into you. You didn’t have to tell him twice. He repeated his method he had done before with his fingers, thrusting slow at first but faster as you became needier. You couldn’t look back at him anymore, you couldn’t take it. You threw your head back and enjoyed the moment. You were moaning a little louder than you should have, but Charles seemed to have forgotten that he had instructed you to stay quiet because he didn’t stop you. In fact, the man was letting out grunts louder than he probably should have, too. He grabbed your waist roughly and began pounding into you, faster than he normally did. He liked to take his time with you when he could, but it had been a couple of weeks and you both needed this so bad. It felt so good already, you thought that maybe you could come from just this, but when you thrusted into you in just the right spot, you knew you’d be in for soon enough. It didn’t take long before Charles, reduced to various primal grunts, began rubbing your clit again, faster than he had before. You knew he must be close and Charles, being the considerate partner he was, always wanted you to come first. You focused on him pounding into you and the feeling, trying to give him what he wanted. Before the feeling in your core became too much, though, Charles thrust into you a final time, finishing deep inside of you. Feeling this was the final straw and you orgasmed hard on his dick, whimpering his name as softly as you could manage (which actually wasn’t all that soft). He helped you ride out your orgasm before pulling out of you, leaving you feeling empty. 

He gave you a deep, romantic kiss as you were trying to put your skirt back on. He offered for the two of you to go take a walk but you laughed and took a raincheck on that one, informing him that you’d better go to bed seeing as you probably wouldn’t be able to walk all that well for the rest of the night.

“I do wish we could properly spend the night together, though. Ending the night going our separate ways isn’t exactly the way I like things to go.” You told him, a little sadness seeping through your voice.

“One day.” he promised.

[loserholland]

𝐍𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞 | 𝐓.𝐇

Pairing ➺ Uni student!Tom Holland x Uni student!Reader

Warning ➺ ANGST, fluff at the end though

Word Count ➺  1,418

Summary ➺  All couples fight, but that never means it’s the end... right?

A/N ➺ Huge huge thank you to @ariistotles​​ for telling me how to do the gradient color dividers! I also just wanted to post something if I don’t upload part five of little cupid by wednesday because I’ll be at zion from thursday to sunday which means no cell service!! soo, hope you enjoy this little blurb. Oh! and do yall like the new layout I did, kinda new lol.

✿ ��𝓮𝓻𝓶𝓪𝓷𝓮𝓷𝓽 𝓣𝓪𝓰𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓽 ✿ - @loveyathreethousand  @killerqueen-gunpowdergelatine @spideyyypeter @lou-la-lou​@babebenhardy @rivervixenbaby @acklesholland @zabdisamor @keepingupwiththehollands @sweet666pea @sspider-parker @jackiehollanderr @caro0512 @thewinchesterchronicles @cporter003 @kisses-holland @spideysnugget @cryszus @sunflowerharrystyles @peterunderoos @ohbabycal @laucontrerasv​ @spider-mendes​ @jessybellsworld​ @quaksonhehe​

@iloveyou3000morgan @random-things-i-love

*The strike through your name just means I couldn’t tag you, please message me if anything*

☞  Masterlist  ☜

It was a quarter till one, (Y/N) sat on their king sized bed. The room was dimly lit, the only source of light was the full moon shinning over peaceful London. Tessa was asleep on her lap, she had grown tired of waiting near the door awaiting for Tom to come home. 

“Please leave a mes-” 

This felt the the hundredth time she had called Tom. None of the boys knew where he was which is oddly surprising because if he wasn’t hanging out with (Y/N), he was out with the boys. 

Her mind tried not to wonder, wonder to the thought of Tom doing the unthinkable. She trusted him, hell she moved in with him around the time of their nine month anniversary. She knew in her heart that Tom wouldn’t do such thing. 

The two have been dating for little over a year now, sure they’ve had their ups and downs but that only made their relationship stronger. Someone once said, “You can’t have a relationship without any fights, but you can make your relationship worth fighting for.” 

Tessa’s ears perked up at the sound of the front door unlocking, she quickly moved away from (Y/N) lap and darted to the door. Even though she follow Tessa, she knew Tessa was wagging her tail happily at the sight of Tom. Glancing down at her phone, it was a few minutes past one.

“Hey Tes.” Tom mumbled bending down slightly to pick up his furbaby. Dragging himself to their shared bedroom, he noticed his girlfriend was still up sitting upright against the headboard. He placed Tessa back down, watching as the Staffordshire Bull Terrier jumped onto the bed.

“(Y-”

“Where were you Tom?” 

(Y/N) eyes were focused on lap, her fingers fiddling with the hem of her Tom’s shirt. She didn’t want to yell, it was already so late for that. But he hasn’t been answering any of her calls or text. If you think about it, she had every right to feel worried, angry, and hurt. It only takes a second to send a simple text. It only takes a second to answer the phone.

“I just went out to get a couple drinks.” Tom shrugged, there was a hint of annoyance in his voice. He may not realize it, but she does. She could tell when someone’s mood shifts, or their change in tone. 

“You could’ve told me.” her voice was small barley a whisper, loud enough for only Tom to hear. She didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, but she wanted to know why Tom didn’t give her a heads up.

Whenever they use to fight, usually it was over little things. Like, forgetting something, or if one of you got jealous, leaving the toilet seat up, cleaning after themselves. 

Little things.

“I was only out for what? Five hours? Most of those five hours, I was studying for midterms with some people from chem. Then we went out for a few drinks.” It was safe to say, Tom didn’t really see the problem. He didn’t see why he couldn’t go out for a few drinks with some friends.

“Tom, it’s the fact that you didn’t answer my calls and text! I was worried!” Tom was taken aback when (Y/N) got up from the bed, her voice raising as she stood. Her and Tom may be three inches apart meaning he’d still tower over her a bit, but that never intimidated her. 

Running his hands over his face, he closed his eyes for a second “Do you not trust me? (Y/N), I’m not the same person I was two years ago!” Before the two got to talking, Tom had quite the body count. Almost every girl on campus wanted to shag him. 

(Y/N) scoffed lightly running her hand through her hair in frustration, “I do trust you Tom! That was the last thing on my mind, I know you would never cheat on me! I was worried! Don’t you see the difference?” God it turned into a scream fest within seconds. Pretty sure someone is going to file a nose complaint against them tomorrow.

Tom pinched the bridge of his nose closing his eyes for a brief moment before say, “Maybe I wanted to spend some time away from you! Maybe we don’t need to spend every waking moment together!” (Y/N) stood there with wide eyes, processing what her boyfriend had just told her. 

This is the first time, Tom had yelled at her and told her that. Maybe we don’t need to spend every waking moment together. Ouch. I guess that’s why couples wait to move in together when they’re married or for sure going to get married. Or when they’re ready in general.

“Wow, okay.” (Y/N) moved to grab her pillows from her side of the bed, quickly moving into their shared walk in closet to grab an extra blanket. He wanted alone time, okay I’ll give it to him. 

“Wait-” Tom began but (Y/N) stopped him, “You want alone time. I get it. You get the bedroom, I’ll sleep on the couch. Good night Thomas.” her heart clenched at every word that left her mouth. She just wanted to cry to get everything out, Tessa trailed after her but (Y/N) ushered the pup back into the bedroom. 

Tom sat at the edge of their bed, “Fucking hell.” his head was buried in his hands. He fucked up and he knows he did, (Y/N) was truly a blessing in disguise without her he’d be failing his classes and not on the right track. She’s there to put him in his place when he’s out of line. He had gotten ready for bed in silence, thinking over what had happened. God he felt like a complete idiot, (Y/N) saw the good in him, the potential that everyone failed to see.

Gathering the his pillows and Tessa he padded into the living room. Even though he had basically said he needed time away from her, he wanted to be by her side at the end of the day.

Peeking over he noticed she was sound asleep, but there were tear stains on her cheeks, he brushed the few strands of hair behind her ear. He pressed a chaste kiss on her forehead before getting comfortable on the ground beside the couch.

“Good night (Y/N).”

(Y/N) groaned blinking a few times to adjust to the light that was peeking through the curtain of the living room. She sat upright against the arm of the couch tilting her head some side to side earning a few cracks, she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes before letting out a loud sigh.

Her attention turned to the figure sleeping on the ground next to her, “Tom?” she mumbled he was curled up with Tessa without a blanket. She leaned forward tapping Tom’s shoulder again, “Thomas, wake up.” he jerked forward slightly causing Tessa to wake up.

He squinted his eyes slightly to see (Y/N) looking down at him in confusion, “Why are you on the gro-” Tom sat up on his knees pulling her into a hug “I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to leave you alone. I’m so sorry I had said that, I- I wouldn’t know what I’d do without you in my life. I fucked up (Y/N), I’m so fucking sorry.” he sobbed into her neck.

She wrapped her arms around him running her hands through his hair, “Bub? I understand if you need some alone time, I do. Just talk to me, don’t go off the grid and have me worried. This is just another obstacle that we can get over.” (Y/N) pulled away from him moving her hands to cup his cheeks. 

“It did hurt when you said that though but, I know you’re sorry. Let’s not dwell on it and move on from it hm? If you want to go out with the boys I’m not holding you back from that. Just tell me where you’re going and text me when you’re on your way home. And if I wanted to go out, I’d do the same thing too text or call you.”

Tom nodded in agreement pressing a kiss into the palm of her hand, (Y/N) leaned forward to give him a chaste kiss before leaning her forehead against his, “I love you.” she whispered as Tom nugged his nose against her’s. 

“I love you too. Now, let’s go shower I wanna take my girl out today.”

Someone once said:

A relationship is like a house. When a lightbulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the light bulb.

[sunshinesholland]

dog days | t.h.

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Word count: 1.77k

Summary: Being a dog mom is tough. Having a busy schedule and feeling mom guilt is even tougher. So who are you to say no when your dog just wants to spend some time playing at the park, even if it is pouring down rain. It’s what dog parents do. Or at least just you?

A/N: So I have a half pitbull named Mia Bella and I think Tessa is absolutely cute and they’d make sweet friends and... this was self indulgence and it’s finest and I’m not even sorry about it.

It’s a little ridiculous, you suppose, while it’s managed to go from a light drizzle of rain to a torrential downpour and everyone else has completely left the park, you’re still out. Determined to get your pup the playtime she deserves, having felt guilty going into work on a Saturday morning. Most people are likely indoors right now, snuggled up with a warm cup of tea, watching their favorite series on Netflix. Meanwhile are absolutely chilled to the bone, but with your dog smiling up at you, tail wagging and tennis ball in mouth, you wouldn’t have it any other way. Well, maybe you would. An umbrella would be nice. You at least have an anorak on, and a cap to protect you from the onslaught of rain.

But your dog Bella comes back, scampering with glee and the biggest smile on her face. She drops the ball in the mud, proudly staring up at you. As a Staffordshire terrier, she’s unbelievably expressive. Her big doe eyes begging you to throw the ball and her cheeks widened in what can only be described as a grin. No other family dog you’d had as a child was ever as expressive as your own. She’s your furry best friend, and you had a million pictures on your phone to prove it. Dog mom stereotype completely fulfilled. And yeah, your trainers are soaked, and your jeans are clinging to your skin, but your baby is happy.

You smile and reach down to scratch behind her ears, before grabbing the ball lying in front of your feet. Before you can even lift your arm to throw, she’s off and running, trying to be ahead of the game and beat the ball before it gets where it’s going. You smile, because she always does this, and throw it anyways. You wait a few minutes, expecting her to come racing back as usual. But it’s a heavy downpour and your view is obstructed further by your position at the bottom of a slight incline and the presence of trees and now you’re panicking.

“Bella?! Bell!” You’re yelling, and running now, feet sloshing against the mix of mud and slick grass.

If you weren’t already cold, the breeze from your pace is hitting your already soaked clothes makes you feel even colder. But all you can think of is your dog. She’s such a sweet girl, extremely smart and friendly but she’s a pitty and the sad truth is people aren’t very kind or trusting of bully breeds.

And you hear her bark and you’re immediately fearful, is she barking because she’s scared? Is she barking because she’s lost? Is someone hurting her? And you reach the clearing of the park, away from the trees and you see her under the park’s gazebo. She’s sat next to one of the benches, with another dog and what you can only assume is its owner.

“Oh thank god, Bella. You scared me so much!” You’re out of breath and you sound like a frightened mother. Because you are.

She comes ambling to you, completely unaware of how scared she’s made you. She’s just happy she’s made a new friend and she’s got a fun sprint in. You kneel down and attach her leash to her collar, squeezing her face in your hands and ruffling her fur. You can’t be mad at her, she’s wagging her tail and she’s safe and happy and oblivious.

“I honestly didn’t think anyone else would be crazy enough to be out here,” the stranger’s voice raised to speak over the rain, flashing a cheeky grin.

The rain is relentless against the metal roof of the structure, but it’s somehow still calming and beautiful, the sound of rain thumping against the metal. A stark contrast to being fully immersed in the pouring rain in combination with the pounding of blood in your ears, as you just were.

The rain has soaked his hair, curls falling against his forehead. He’s wearing a black zip up, and a pair of joggers. He’s managed to look cozy, warm, and attractive, and he really has no business looking this good, especially while being caught in a rainstorm. You imagine you look like a drowned rat, baseball cap doing nothing to hide the mess of soaked hair flowing from under it. Your cheeks most likely flushed from the cold and the frantic dash across the park. You brush your hair that’s fallen in your face away, clearing your throat.

“I, uh, had work this morning. And I’m a graduate student and weekends are the most time we get together without me having my nose in a textbook and I felt guilty and- you didn’t ask for my life story, I’m sorry,” you blurt out, averting your eyes from this unbelievably handsome, rain-soaked stranger, looking down at Bella.

She’s not smiling at you like she was a moment ago, instead she blinks at you before yawning. Ah, what a show of compassion. She’s bored now, she’s had her fun and you’re boring her with your need for emotional support, you think.

“It’s quite alright, I suppose I did call you crazy. You felt the need to explain yourself, even if it does somewhat confirming the initial judgement,” and you’re realizing he has an English accent, and you look up to see a softer smile on his features, eyes crinkling at the corners, effectively softening the harsh assessment, albeit joking.

And you can’t help but wonder how English rainstorms are, and if that’s why he’s fine being out in this weather. And why he’s here, in the states? And also, who gave him the right to be so charming? And why did Bella come to him? She usually isn’t very comfortable around men (although a sweet dog, she is constantly in protector mode as you’re a single girl and it’s just you two in the apartment in a busy city).

And furthermore, he’s fine with a pitbull coming up to him? Okay well, she is very very cute, and very sweet, you think, completely unbiased. Not at all thinking this because you’re her owner and proud dog mom. Not biased at all.

“Well I guess since you told me all of that, I can tell you why we’re crazy enough to be out,” he jokes, sitting down at the bench, reaching down to pet his dog.

You had been so caught up in the relief of finding your pup, of the cute stranger  his lovely accent and the tap, tap, tap of the rain against the roof that you hadn’t even noticed the lovely dog sitting patiently at his side. Your heart swelled upon recognition of the boxy terrier snout, familiar doe eyes and pointy little ears. Seeing another dog of the same breed group made you unbelievably happy. While you loved all dogs, you had a soft spot for the far too misunderstood,  gentle terriers of this breed group.

“Me and Tess were just getting our afternoon jog in when the rain started,” he continues, smiling down at his pup and then looking back at you, effectively bringing you out of your internal dog-loving monologue.

“I actually also had work today, but my girl is important to me and I needed to make time for her,” he explains, “So we’re both crazy dog parents, if we’re willing to risk hypothermia for them, I suppose,” he grins.

You can just feel how soft your eyes must be looking at him. You kneel down, Bella is at your side, sniffing at Tess, trying to get closer.

You look up at him, chocolate brown eyes meeting yours and ironically, it’s hard to not melt, “Would it be okay to pet her?”

You ask, trying to be respectful despite her tail wagging a mile a minute, and her already leaning against you to be pet.

“I don’t think either of us get a choice, darling” he laughs, eyes crinkling and head slightly tilting back at his dog’s antics.

The sound echos in the acoustics of the gazebo, and it blends beautifully with the rain calming down, now more lightly tapping against the roof. The rain is dripping down the roof edge, against the cement. You feel warm, despite being being drenched from head to toe. You stop your petting (to Tess’s dismay), and stand up.

“Would it be alright if they went and played? Since both of their activities got cut short?” You question, smiling back in what you hope is at least half as an appealing manner as his laugh.

He grins at you, reaching to unleash Tess, as you do the same with Bella, before he stands up beside you. The dogs are immediately off, running circles around the structure. The rain has let up enough that Bella is fully in your view, allowing you to relax and chat with the unnamed curly-haired boy.

“I’m sorry, I know your dog’s name, but I didn’t catch yours,” you turn away from the dogs to look at him and he’s smiling watching the dogs run.

You think he may not have heard you but he turns to you and you’re blindsided by the dazzling smile being directed at you.

“Tom, my name’s Tom,” he replies, outstretching a hand for you to shake.

You’re laughing at his formal nature, but shake his hand nonetheless.

“Well Tom, if you’re also a single dog parent, I’d love to get a cup of coffee with you,” you grin, feeling giddy for some stupid reason. It’s his sunny disposition, and his cute face, you bet.

“I drink tea… But I suppose I could make an exception for your cute dog,” he grins, bumping your shoulder playfully,

“Yeah, going for coffee, it’s for the dogs. Like when parents have to be friends because their kids are. They like each other, and who are we to stand in the way of friendship?” You add, looking out at the park space they’re running in. In your head you’re playing it cool, but in Tom’s eyes, you’ve got a slight grin but you’re beaming, absolutely glowing even in the gloom of the rainy afternoon.

“Yeah, exactly. We might have to meet up again soon too. I mean, think of the children,” he says in reply, nodding his head, looking out as well, trying to match your attempt at a collected demeanor.

And both of you are watching the two chase each other, barking happily. All while you and Tom are grinning from ear to ear. And you’re grateful that you’re not the only dog parent crazy enough to come out in a downpour, and you remind yourself that when you get home, you’ve really gotta give Bella a treat for running off like she did.

[mythical-ross]

Puppy Play

Wait! It’s not what you think!

People keep asking when I’m going to be posting the next chapter of Bonds Of Friendship, and the answer is now “2 hours later” because I wrote this instead. It’s not my fault. RandL made me do it.

(I imagine Rhett as an English Springer Spaniel and Link as something like a Manchester Terrier)

_________

Rhett trotted around the yard expectantly. His master had picked him up earlier and excitedly said a bunch of words Rhett didn’t understand, except for one: Link. 

Link was his best friend (though he’d never tell his master that) - a black and brown terrier that Rhett had known his whole life. They could spend hours together, running around the garden, playing on the beach, curled up together in front of the fake electric fire in Rhett’s living room. Every time Link went home, all Rhett could think about what the next time he’d be back.

He paced back and forth at the gate to the driveway, patiently waiting for the sound of Link’s master’s car. When he heard a car coming down the street he immediately started shouting for Link. “Link! Link! Link!” But the car kept driving, it wasn’t the right car.

“Rhett!” his master shouted through the kitchen window, followed by some more words he didn’t understand. He knew he was in trouble from the tone of her voice though. He wasn’t supposed to bark at cars. He curled up and laid down beside the gate guiltily, hoping she wouldn’t stay mad for long.

He immediately forgot why he was feeling guilty as soon as he heard another car coming down the street. “Link! Link! Link!” Rhett shouted through the fence, and to his relief, the car pulled into the driveway. 

Their owners were talking just a few feet away from him, but he couldn’t hear Link. Just then, a car door opened and there came sound of another dog hopping out.

“Link?” he asked through the fence.

“Rhett!” came Link’s reply. Link hopped up against the gate so he could see Rhett through the slats, panting with excitement.

Rhett could hear one of the humans say his name and before he knew it, the gate to the driveway was open and Link was barrelling towards him. Rhett could barely contain himself. They stopped just in front of each other and gave a little bow - the signal for play time.

Link snapped at Rhett’s snout, then immediately bolted across the garden. Rhett growled and took off after him, his curly ears flying out behind him as he gave chase. Link was fast, but Rhett had longer legs and caught up with him quickly. He tackled Link to the ground and bit at his neck.

“Okay, okay! You got me,” Link said happily, struggling slightly under Rhett’s teeth.

Without needing to say anything further, Rhett released him and took off towards the other end of the yard. It was Link’s turn to catch him. He jumped up onto the back porch and hid behind a row of potted plants, thinking maybe Link didn’t see him. 

Moments later however, he heard the scratch of Links nails on the stone and knew he’d been found. Link peered around the side of a pot and Rhett ran out the other side, as quickly as his legs would take him, back onto the grass.

Rhett lay down on his back in surrender before Link could reach him. Link caught up and sat down on the grass by his side.

“Something‘s different,” Link said curiously.

Rhett’s heart sank. He had hoped Link wouldn’t notice anything was wrong. Link sniffed the air for a moment before Rhett stood up, giving him better access to his true goal.

“What kind of different?” Rhett asked innocently, trying not to influence Link in any way. 

Link nosed his way under Rhett’s tail to get a good sniff at his butt. Rhett braced himself, hoping maybe the weird stuff he’d been feeling lately was just his imagination.

Link sat down and tilted his head in confusion. “It’s like something‘s missing,” he explained. “Has something happened?” 

Rhett knew he couldn’t just ignore his problems and hope they’d go away. That wasn’t the case when he piddled in the house behind the couch, it wasn’t true when he got excited and shredded one of his master’s handbags, and it wasn’t the case now. “You know the vet?” Rhett started.

“Yeah,” Link said, and growled in disgust.

“Well, they took me to see the vet and he injected me with something,” Rhett recalled. “Then the next thing I knew, was falling asleep.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad.”

“That wasn’t the bad part,” Rhett said. “When I woke up, I felt kinda funny…” 

“Funny how?” Link asked.

“I think they did something to my parts,” Rhett said, turning his butt towards Link. “Can you check for me?”

Link did as he was asked and poked his nose under Rhett’s tummy. Rhett could feel him poking around in his long curly hair for a moment before he said, “oh my god!”

Rhett’s heart sank. “Is it bad?” 

Link’s head emerged, the whites of his eyes visible. “You balls are gone!”

“What?” Rhett barked. “Don’t I need those?” He knew something felt different down there. Why would his master do that to him? 

“When you said you feel funny…” Link prompted.

“You know that fluffy pillow inside? The one I like to hump?”

“Yeah.”

“I haven’t wanted to hump it once!”

Link’s mouth fell open in surprise. “But you love that thing!”

“And you know how awesome it is to yell at other dogs when they walk past the house?” Rhett asked. “I did it yesterday and it just wasn’t as fun anymore.”

Link opened his mouth like he wanted to speak, but closed it again. He was probably worried the same thing might happen to him. 

Rhett laid down and rested his head on his paws. “Maybe they’ll grow back,” he said, not really believing it.

Link found a comfortable spot and joined Rhett in the grass. “Are you still gonna want to mount me?” he asked quietly. 

“I don’t know,” Rhett admitted. “You can still mount me though, if you want.” They lay in silence before Rhett asked the question that had been nagging him since his trip to the vet. “Link… have I been a bad boy?”

Link lifted his head in surprise. “Rhett, no!”

Rhett covered his snout with one of his big fluffy paws. “I can’t remember the last time my master called me a good dog,” he whined. “What if I was a bad dog and I didn’t even realize it?” 

“No Rhett,” Link said, getting up to stand in front of him. “You’re a good boy. You’re the best boy I know!” 

Rhett lifted his head, already feeling a little better. “Really?” 

“Yes,” Link said firmly. “Let me hear you say it.”

“I’m a good boy,” Rhett said.

“Louder!” Link barked.

Rhett hopped up onto his feet, suddenly having fun with his friend again. “I’m a good boy!” He shouted. 

Link opened his mouth into a big smile. “That’s better,” he said happily. “Now,” he said, glancing across the yard. “I bet I can get that tennis ball before you.”

Link took off in a dark flash over the grass. His problems almost forgotten, Rhett ran after him as fast as he could. Rhett was faster, but Link had a head start and reached the ball first. 

It barely fit in Link’s mouth, but he held it up triumphantly for Rhett to see. Rhett needed the ball back right away and leapt for it, knocking Link to the ground. They fell into a heap with their legs entangled, panting with excitement and the exertion, the ball already forgotten.

“You always know how to cheer me up,” Rhett said, happy to have his best friend by his side.

[mewhenhorrormovies]

Prompts

Fluff~

“Can you please cuddle with me?”

“Is that my hoodie?”

“Let’s go dance in the rain!”

“You make me the happiest person alive.”

“You make me better than I was before.”

“Thank god I’m yours.”

“You put a new heartbeat inside of me.”

“Trust me. As long as I’m here, nobody will hurt you.”

“You’re my one and only.”

“Your my first, my second, and my last choice.”

“You mean the world to me.”

“Are you wearing my flannel?”

“How’d you sleep, love?”

“Pumpkin, your crushing me.”

“Pillow fight!”

“This is WAR! That’s right, I���m going to act like a child!”

“Give me a piggyback ride!”

“How about I just tickle the answer out of ya?!”

“Five more minutes.”

“Come get in bed! I need attention!”

“You always have to have the attention don’t you?” “Duh!”

“I need your love and affection! All of it!”

“Your mine. All mine.”

“Yours. All yours.”

“I won’t ever leave your side.”

“As long as you’re by my side, I can do anything.”

“You are my hopes and dreams.”

“I love you, more than you could know.”

“You’ll never be alone.”

“I’m yours. From now till the end of time.”

“I’m cold! I need hug.”

“Pwease? Just one hug?”

“The sunset is prettier than ever.”

“If we make it out, I promise we will live a normal life, get married and have children.”

“Now kids! Your mother is tired, why don’t you go play with Uncle ____?”

“I love you. And our precious little daughter too.”

“I love you more than my own life.”

“Id give up all my cookies, just to get one kiss!”

“I know it sounds weird but...would you possibly like to meet again?”

“I think I fell in love.”

“You’re so in love.”

“Sorry my dude. You fell hard.”

“Aww! I totally ship you two!”

“I bet they’ll kiss by tonight!” “Your on”

“HA! In your face _____! Where’s my money?!”

“You bet on us?! I can’t bel-never mind I can totally believe it.”

“Awww! My little cuddle bear is blushing!”

“How cute! I made My Prince turn red!”

“Just kiss already!”

“FINALLY! Took you long enough!”

Angst~

“Why would you just leave me?!”

“I can’t believe it...after all this time?!”

“Did you ever love me? Dammit, DON’T LIE TO ME!”

“You promised! You PROMISED you would always be there!”

“What happened to always and forever?! What happened to your one and only?”

“Are-...are those cuts?”

“KILL ME! If you’ve ever been my friend KILL ME!”

“Get out! Get out get out get out!”

“I hate you! Leave!”

“I-I didnt...no! It wasn’t supposed to be you! Anybody but you!”

“We’re just kids! Why?! Why so much death, so much pain, so much fighting?”

“We were only kids, thrown into an adult war. And now we’ll never recover.”

“IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME! I was supposed to die, not them!”

“Come on, come on. Breathe, come on BREATHE!”

“You liar, be honest or so help me I will drag you to hell!”

“I’m sorry! I only ever loved you, I tried...”

“Please! Open the door, I’m sorry! Please...”

“Don’t leave! I-I didn’t mean it!”

“It’s too late! You already said it, you can’t take it back!”

“Can you hear me? I really miss you. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you...but everybody says your happier...”

“What about me?! What if I’m not happy?!”

“Who cares about everybody?! What about me?”

“Nobody needs me...” “I do...”

“Nobody loves me! Nobody cares! I’m better off gone!” “NO!.....I-I loved you...”

“They’re gone! They’re gone and it’s your fault!”

“I did this! I-I killed them!”

“Y-y-you guys need to l-leave! I’m d-dangerous!”

“Nothing compares to watching a friend die right before your eyes.”

“I don’t belong! I shouldn’t be here!”

“No...why?! Why did it have to be them?! Why didn’t you save them!? HUH?! WHY?”

“Kill me.”

“I hate you. More than anything.”

“You’re dangerous...you can’t come with us.”

“We made it...but at what cost?”

“Do you see these?! These are cuts!”

“I said get away!”

“Go away! I don’t want to talk!”

“Don’t touch me!”

“Don’t even think about me!”

“Don’t touch me!”

“You killed them...so now I’ll kill you.”

“It’s over. They’re gone, they’re not coming back.”

“I miss you. And I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry...your gone and it’s my fault.”

“You said forever! Who knew forever was so short.”

“Don’t you yell at me!”

“Don’t you dare blame this on me, you twat!”

“Get back here and listen when I’m talking to you!”

“Don’t walk away from me, you git!”

“Touch me again, see what happens.”

“Don’t call me again.”

“Go. Away.”

“DON’T! LIE! TO! ME!”

“The future rests in your hands now...”

“Take care of everyone...I won’t be there anymore.”

“She was our hope! She was the only thing that kept us going and she’s gone!”

“She sacrificed herself for me...”

“So many have sacrificed themselves for us to get here...friends...family.”

“Boys....I love y’all...don’t forget me...ple-........”

“Is it over...?” “This is only the beginning.”

Random Silly Prompts~

“I’m a simple woman. I crave one thing...C H A O S.”

“Bite my rat sass.”

“Uh oh, here we go again.”

“Come on, let me sing you old crooked nose, slimy grandma.”

“Hey guys, Whats u-” “Go stuff an egg up your nose.”

“What are those?!?!”

“Wait, you remember vines?”

“Was that a vine reference?!”

“Welcome home, boys.”

“Welcome home, girls.”

“Welcome home.”

“We did it. We made it.”

“I don’t give a rats sass about yo day.”

“Ew, you’re reading?” “Gross, your breathing?”

“Nasty, your writing?” “Disgusting, your living?”

“Hey, don’t play dumb with me!” “But he’s not playing. He’s actually dumb.”

“Nobody has managed to kill me yet. Few have tried and succeeded but not for very long. I always come back.”

"I'm not even sure she's entirely human."

"I don't care about your Bee Movie opinions, go to sleep."

“Don’t be such a jerk.”

“I have made the inference that you are actually a bully.”

“I’m a bad bitch you can’t kill me!”

“They would disagree but in reality they have no idea what they’re actually doing.”

“Thank the devil, I thought you were serious for a second there.”

“I made a bet. I lost. It’s simple as that.”

“Shut up, buckle up, and hold on tight.”

“Well this turned into a giant cuddle pile.”

“Trouble is my middle name. I thought you’d know that by now.”

“stop staring before your eyes fall out of your head.”

"I swear to the devil you have the attention span of a Boston terrier puppy with ADHD and ADD on crack. You don't listen even if it would save your life!”

“If everyone would just stop shucking panicking for five seconds and act like they still have a lick of sense left, we might actually be able to get something done here.”

“And, I'd love to be sorry for everything but we all know that I've done much, much worse.”

“Every time you sleep, you are practicing your death.”

“I guess its time to throw logic out of the window.”

“We must remain calm.” “I can’t remain calm. I’ve never been calm.” “Okay, well then remain not screaming.” “Remain not externally screaming. Okay. Got it.”

I found a few on Tumblr but I forgot from who! I’m so truly sorry, if you know who then please tell me so I can give them credit.

Also, please send me request! You can say ‘section 1 20 and 47’ or ‘fluff 2 and 10’ or ‘7 and 27 from Angst’ whichever just please send requests

[multific]

Little Matchmaker

Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: You meet with someone new at the park.

A/N: Tom is kinda sorta not famous in this story. Also, this is a one-shot. So no part2, sorry. But I hope you like this story! Enjoy~

 You loved your Pomeranian. Her name was Lucy and you got her from your grandma when hers had a litter.

Lucy soon became a very important figure in your life. Since you lived alone and didn’t have a boyfriend, she was your only companion and support.

You gave her everything she needed, but you never forgot that she’s a dog and not a child. Regardless, you loved her very much.

She loved to go on walks, and luckily there was a little park next to where you lived. You took her there twice a day, sometimes, when you didn’t have work, or on weekends, you took her three or four times a day.

Just like right now. She was having fun, running around while playing with other dogs. The owners usually stood at one place and had a chat with each other, but you, you preferred to be alone, with a book in your hand. From time to time you’d look up to check on Lucy and your phone.

One time, you looked up to find Lucy playing along with a pug and a little bigger grey dog, and that’s when you noticed him. He was sitting on the other side of the field, right across from you, he looked exceptionally handsome with his dark jeans and burgundy shirt on, with his perfectly curled brown hair. As he crossed his arms, even with the amount of distance between you two, you could clearly see just how muscular he was. You never seen him before, you had come to the same place for the last five months, since you had Lucy. He was a complete stranger, yet you were thirsting over him. For all you knew, he could be a creep.

No, not with that face.

You shook yourself back to mind your own business and stop with the drooling over someone.

“Lucy!” you called for her, and since she was a well behaved little one, she came right away.

You placed her bowl down to give her some water.

But she didn’t come alone.

A blue Staffordshire Terrier was right by her side, drinking from her bowl. You didn’t mind it. The dog was cute and thirsty, so you poured them more water.

“You’re quite the cute one.” you told the staffy when she looked at you. Her eyes were begging for some pets, so you gave her some. She got so excited, het tail was waggling all over the place. When she jumped up to your leg, so you could pet her some more.

“Tessa!” came a male’s voice out of nowhere.

You assumed that it was the owner, but really, you didn’t mind the dog’s attention.

“It’s okay, I don’t mi-“ you looked up to the man, and it was him.

The devilishly handsome man from the bench across yours. Of course, it was your luck to end up in a situation like that. All you wanted to do was to stare at him through your sunglasses while pretending to read. So, when you got back home, and into your lonely bed, you’d have someone to think about.

“I’m sorry, she never done this before. And she drank your dog’s water, I’ll get you a full bottle.”

“There’s no need.” but he didn’t hear it, he was already going to the faucet that was in the park. He left his dog behind, so you decided to pet her some more, her short fur was very soft and it was a little weird for you, since Lucy had long fur.

“Soooo, you’re Tessa. Nice to meet you.” when you said her name, she sat down and licked her mouth. She was such an adorable dog, and they say that Staffordshire terriers are dangerous and vicious, yeah, sure.

“There you go.” came back the handsome stranger. He handed you the bottle.

“Thank you. But, I have one more.” you said as you laughed a little and pointed at the bottle beside you.

“Oh.” he said as he scratched the back of his head. “My name is Tom. And she’s my lovely Tessa.” you didn’t know how, but this was the moment you realized his accent.

“My name is Y/N. Nice to meet you. And that one over there, running around like the happiest dog alive is Lucy.”

“You know, I’m not a big fan of small “girly” dogs. But she’s adorable.”

“Ummmm, thanks?”

You didn’t know why, but you wanted to talk to him more, it wasn’t because of his hotness, that fantasy left your mind when you saw his slightly red embarrassed face when he realized you didn’t need the water.

“I didn’t mean it as an insult or any-“

“It’s okay. I’m just playing with you. Do you want to sit maybe?” you didn’t know where the courage came from. He was obviously out of your league, he would never go for a girl like you. You were just a normal girl, boys like him usually went for the pretty type not the normal, ordinary ones.

“Yes, thank you. You know, I just moved here, so I don’t know anyone. And they seem to me like a gang or something.” he said as he nodded towards the group of dog owners. And now you knew shy you never saw him before.

“Yeah, they kinda are… How should I say this? I had just recently started to come here. And when I tried to make conversation with them, they just….Ignored me? Like, I tried to talk and they gave me one word answers and such. And since I wasn’t welcomed, I just read here.”

“Oh, I see.” you saw his eyes wonder from the “gang” to his dog.

“So, Tessa? She’s quite the character.” you said. Trying to keep the conversation going.

“I love her. I had her since she was very small. At my old place, there was an area gated off for dogs, since it was a bigger park than this one. She ran up to a girl, god knows why, kinda like she did to you. And the girl freaked out. Like super bad. She started yelling as if Tessa would hurt her or something and then yelled at me that she will call the authorities to get that dangerous dog away from me.”

“Ridiculous. A dog only attacks when it feels threatened. It is very very rare for them to attack like that. There are cases but the majority is due to trauma of the fact that the animal is scared.”

“Wow. You sound like you know your stuff.”

“Oh, sorry. Yeah, I was taught about the behavior of animals, especially dogs. You see, I’m a god trainer.”

“Okay, I didn’t know I was speaking to a dog whisperer.” you laughed at his joke.

“Well, you’re not wrong. But I don’t whisper. I speak to them like to every living creature.” now he laughed. He looked cute when he smiled.

No! Pull it together Y/N! You cannot crush on the new-guy! He probably just need friends and someone to talk to.

“That’s good to know. I never met with an expert before.”

“Actually, I do that only part-time now. I used to train dogs for big events and races. But now, I’m into, how I like to call it, “dog beauty”.”

“That’s- You sound very passionate about it.”

“I do love it very much. Not the ones where they put the poor things in dresses, but more like when they show off how good of a breed they are. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah, those ones. Never been to one before, but my mum did. She went with a friend. She said it was amazing.”

You were happy that you found a topic you could talk about. Tom was a very interesting person, you two talked a lot. You got to know him. Where he was from, why did he move. Basic stuff. And you answered all of his questions too.

It was only late afternoon when you decided to go home. Which meant that you had to say goodbye to Tom.

However, since he was a real gentleman, he walked you home. What you didn’t expect was for him to ask for your phone number.

“I really liked to talk with you. Maybe we can continue while having some coffee?”

“L-Like a date?” you asked.

“Yes. Like a date. So, do you want to?”

“I’d love to.”

When you got up to your apartment, you closed the door and sat on the floor. Shoes still on Lucy still on her leash as she looked at you confused, but she still wiggled her fluffy tail.

“Seems like you got me a date, you Little Matchmaker.”

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[treefey]

So, overall, I really liked and enjoyed Provost’s Dog.

BUT I have some major issues with Mastiff. Below is my rant about The Thing.

Please don’t read this if you haven’t finished Mastiff! Too many spoilers!

We need an AU where The Thing happened differently. It seemed forced the way it’s written! Now, three books in, we’re going to mention Tunstall has major insecurities and is willing to go against everything he ever stood for at a whim? For Sabine, who would murder him for doing that? And he honestly kept on that path when Achoo almost died and Pounce is in trouble? Long enough to MURDER A CHILD? He’s friends with the Provost before Terrier even really starts! He won’t take a flower from a public garden!

And when they’re escaping he says they’re on the loosing side? They have the strangest, strongest patchwork mage on their side! So many things just don’t fit. And I don’t think he just went crazy. Pierce did a good job setting up the clues, but character-wise and narrative-wise, it doesn’t fit quite right.  

In my AU, he agrees to do The Thing in the heat of the moment but then spends the rest of the book regretting it and trying to make it stop and living this complicated life of double-double crossing. He does something heroic that shows he’s still him, and NEVER MURDERS A CHILD. He ends up surviving (though barely). 

Sabine hates him and breaks up with him, but she is his biggest advocate for a punishment other than execution or prison. So, he ends up getting put on house arrest. Tunstall would complain a lot at first, saying he prefers being dead to being trapped. But then his house is the most wonderful, colorful array of plants. Over time, Farmer probably helps him create mini-climates in different rooms so he can grow the coolest, craziest indoor plants. He can have some cool desert plants! And hill plants! Beka’s pigeons love hanging out in Tunstall’s gardens. 

Sabine probably goes on some long, crazy quest for a few years. She and Tunstall never stop loving each other, and when she can bring herself to talk to him again, she does so. Maybe they reunite, maybe not, maybe just for a night here and there. I don’t see her ever fully forgiving him, but I don’t think she could stop loving him either. Maybe Toby is a descendant of Tunstall and Sabine’s illegitimate child! But that would be sad about how Toby got to be so neglected and abused.

Between his Dog friends and his Rogue friends, Tunstall stays pretty well informed. Goodwin eventually, gradually gives him some non-confidential  paperwork jobs to keep his mind occupied. He starts a log of the Gentle Mother’s crazy ungentle deeds, and a log of awesome women with varying degrees of gentleness (Myles somehow ends up with these logs 200 years later, of course). He helps Beka and Farmer out on their cases whenever they let something mention them in front of him. He breaks house arrest once or twice because he hears Beka or her latest scent hound in trouble nearby. He manages to sneak back in and everyone blames Rosto or Farmer for whatever amazingly helpful thing just happened. Beka doesn’t tell on him, but she yells at him at his house later. 

Tunstall doesn’t fully get over his regret, but he is satisfied with his small life with his plants and his friends, in spite of his restlessness. He doesn’t die feeling broken inside, and he doesn’t have to fly on a pigeon’s back, because he’s told Beka and Goodwin and Sabine how important they are to him. If he does, it’s because he chooses to thank Beka for helping him meet her god with a clear conscience.

[artificialqueens]

Happy Birthday - [Part 2] - (Deladore) - Black_Magic

Author’s Note: To the anon that requested a part 2. Hope it’s as good as the first part. The second part to the fic I submitted for the rare pair fic challenge.

From that point forward, Ben and Danny were together and happy. They took everything slow and discussed anything and everything. They almost looked like the model couple that everybody aspires to be. Yes, they do have perfect moments, fights, and disagreements like every couple, but they manage to work everything out. They know when to let each other cool off, talk, and when to apologize. That’s why Ben and Danny are near perfect.

Taking things slow was also a good relationship decision. Ben and Danny were in no hurry to take every next step in their relationship. They were content enough with what they currently had at the time. What Danny loved the most were the moments he had alone with Ben. Specifically, the quiet ones. He enjoys cuddling with Ben in his own bed with music softly playing in the background. All he needs is to be cuddled up to the other boy, under a blanket, and resting with his eyes closed as Ben rubs small circles into his back. Of course, they were still eighteen and new to the relationship. Neither required much attention.

~~~~

At nineteen, the tensions started building up. Kisses were lingering more and more. Making out got more heated. It was filled with more touching, more intensity, and a hunger that never seemed to be fully satisfied. Each of them were clingier than usual, and the neck kissing started. They never took it further than that, though. Not until Halloween. That night, they had gone to a party. Alcohol got involved and they ended up heading back to Ben’s place earlier than intended. Danny had been flirting with Ben nonstop. Even going as far as getting touchy. Finally, after a year’s worth of build up, Ben and Danny shared their first time together. They made sure there was full consent and protection used.

It was the best experience Ben and Danny had ever shared. It was a night full of love, passion, and exploring one another in a whole new way. Afterwards came the wonderful silence. Danny and Ben curled up in bed while holding each other close. They shared endless amounts of I love you’s, while they stared into each other’s eyes. Ben couldn’t stop smiling as he combed his fingers through Danny’s hair. “I love you, Ben.” The smaller boy said in a low voice, almost whispering.

“I love you too, Danny.” Ben brought him in a gentle kiss before they settled in for bed.

~~~~

When Ben turned twenty, he was out on a date with Danny when he voiced a thought that had been plaguing his mind for weeks. “Hey, Danny. I need to ask you something.”

“What’s up? Ask away, babe.” Even without his emotion sensing power, Danny could tell it was a serious question. It was written all over his face.

An important decision was about to happen. A test to see if a couple is ready to be with each other. It was none other than the question that meant a lot to Ben. “Do you want to move in with me?”

Danny felt his heart skip a beat. He was so touched and flattered that their relationship had made it to this milestone. Of course it would work out wonderfully. They are soulmates. It’s impossible to screw anything up majorly. He nodded his head for a yes, but he realized Ben would rather hear a confirmation of his consent. “Yes! Yes, I’ll move in with you.” Ben let out a sigh of relief before receiving a kiss from Danny.

Within a few weeks, Danny had been moved in with Ben. It felt great to finally be able to see each other all of the time. It was already possible, but now Danny could wake up beside Ben and have all they own in one house together.

They could have finished within a week, but they got……distracted by each other.

~~~~

When they were twenty-two, Ben and Danny decided to get a few pets. Over the course of the year, they adopted two cats, a pitbull terrier, and a boxer. Each were from the animal shelter and in serious need of adoption. The orange tabby was the runt of her litter. Ben named her Nala after the character from The Lion King. The black tabby was named because of the designs on his fur. The bright lines on his dark fur reminded Danny of a book his mother read once. He was thereby named Dante after Dante’s Inferno. The pitbull had a lot of energy, but at the end of the day, she was a big cuddle buddy. Freyja was already named by her previous owners. The boxer was full of energy. He loved to run around all day and play. Danny named him Raiden, after the Mortal Kombat character. Since Raiden was the god of thunder, could use lightning, and the dog was fast, Danny thought it would fit.

The only bad thing about having all of those pets, would be the crowded bed. Ben had to make sure the ceiling fan was on every night because they would all be hot from the shared body heat. Sometimes Danny would kick the dogs out and make them sleep on the couch so they would have enough room to cuddle.

~~~~

It was Danny’s twenty-fourth birthday when Ben proposed to him. Ben had invited some friends and family from each of their lives for a surprise. He had been planning this for awhile.

Danny had come home to his fur babies greeting him, as per usual after another long day at work. Usually Ben would be there too, but he wasn’t. Danny knew this was unusual and walked around the house to find him. He felt worried not being able to find his boyfriend, but stopped in his tracks when he was in front of the back door. He felt a huge wave of excitement from the other side of the door. Confused, he opened it to see everyone outside. “Surprise!” They all shouted.

He grinned, seeing everyone there. “Oh my God! It’s a fucking party!” Everyone laughed at Danny’s statement.

Bonnie approached her smiling child and hugged him after kissing him on the cheek. “Happy Birthday, Danny.”

“Thanks mom, love you.” Danny appreciated his mom coming to celebrate his birthday. He hasn’t seen her in a few months. They do talk everyday, so it kind of makes up for lost time.

Danny’s smile grew as Ben walked forward with a smirk. “Happy Birthday, babe.” Ben pecked him on the lips and brought him to the center of the yard. They danced to songs they loved and knew by heart.

Then, the moment happened that Ben has been waiting all day for. Love Story by Taylor Swift came on. “Ben, it’s our song! We gotta sing it!” He pointed to the microphones.

Ben nodded and went over to the Karaoke set up. All went well, then the certain lines came up that Ben was prepared for. The proposal part of the song came on. What Danny didn’t know, is Ben was going to switch up Juliet with his name instead you truly propose.

He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said.

Ben copied the song and knelt down on one knee. He pulled out the ring. “Marry me, Danny, you’ll never have to be alone. I live you and that’s all I really know. We’ll talk to you’re mom, go pick out a white suite. It’s a love story, baby just say yeah.”

Danny teared up and gasped, covering his mouth. Everyone was cheering. The ring was a plain gold band. It had the sign of libra carved into the metal. Danny yelled a yes at the top of his lungs. Ben put the ring on his fiancee’s finger before standing up. He ignored the deafening cheers as he kissed Danny.

~~~~

Ben hurried around the house making sure everything is ready for tomorrow. He wanted the next best day of his life to be as close to perfect as he can get it. Danny noticed and grabbed Ben’s arm to stop him. “Baby, you’ve been checking everything for the past week. You don’t need to worry. Everything will be perfect tomorrow.” Danny wrapped his arms around his future husband to calm him down. Ben was sending off waves of worry, anxiousness, and over all every other emotion to describe a bridezilla.

“I know, but I can’t help it.” He was already calmer because he leaned into Danny’s embrace. Danny knew this, so he kissed Ben before any other complaints or protests would come out. “Hey, I’ve been thinking we should break out our vows right now and say them to each other.” He said to distract Ben.

“Why on earth would we do that?” Ben felt confused.

“Our vows are meant to be promises to each other. Why should everyone else hear them while we choke up and can barely talk? We should do it. Just think about it this way. If we say our vows now, the service will also go quicker. It’s a personal thing that doesn’t have to be said in front of everybody.” Danny thought it was a good idea. Eventually, Ben gave in.

That lead to them sitting on their bed with a paper in each of their hands. Dante was curled up in Ben’s lap. Nala was purring as she slept on Danny’s pillow. Freyja and Raiden were beside them, watching with interest as their dads looked upon one another. “I’ll go first.” Ben offered. Danny nodded and leaned forward, resting his face in his hands like was about to find out about some juicy gossip. “The moment we met, I felt as if you were my chosen partner. You always made me smile and I looked forward to seeing you everyday. When I found out we were meant to be, and I saw our matching marks, I felt like the world stopped spinning. Everything felt balanced, and ultimately, correct. I love you, forever and for always. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you as husbands.”

Danny wiped away a stray tear from Ben’s cheek. Then he wiped his own before starting his speech. “I figured you would have the better vows, and I debated not writing much. I didn’t know what to say. So, after having an awesome dream that involved us with our fur babies and real children, I got inspired. I knew for years I loved you, and I was afraid it was wrong. I didn’t know if it was false or if you and I were soulmates. You know my mom though, the mind reader. She convinced me to let myself love you, and she was right to. After this long, I realized I would love to be your husband and adopt some kids. We already saved four lives, why not more?” Danny stopped for a soft laugh with Ben. “So, anyways, let’s get on with it and tie the knot before we go crazy. We’re already crazy, but you know what I mean.”

~~~~

The next day, Ben and Danny got married in the backyard. They were still viewed as a little young to get married. Although, it felt so right.

The now two husbands spent the rest of the evening picking at food, sharing endless amount of kisses, shoving cake in their faces, and dancing the night away. Specifically if any Lady Gaga or Shakira song came on. Mainly because Danny wanted to sing and dance on Ben to see how much he can work him up. Although Danny forgot about that when fun dance songs came on. The electric slide, cupid shuffle, Cotton Eye Joe, and Soldier Boy.

Although Ben didn’t mind, he did enjoy the slow dances where he could hold Danny close and whisper sweet nothings into his ear. “I love you so much, babe."

Danny softly smiled. His head was rested on Ben’s shoulder as they slowly swayed to the beat of the music. "I know you do. I love you too, Ben.” He lifted his head to look at his husband. “Happy late birthday, baby.” Danny kissed Ben lovingly.

[solastia]

Rogues And Charlatans | 2

Pairing: Yoongi x Seokjin

Word Count: 2,998

Summary: What is a gang leader supposed to do when his longtime rival shows up at his door, beaten and begging for help? Defend their honor, of course.

Warnings & Genre: Mafia!au, Fluff, and poorly attempted crack. There will be light violence, but nothing overly graphic. Maybe one person gets shot point blank. As of now, I don’t think I’ll be putting in any smut, but who knows. Basically, this isn’t a dark and serious mafia fic. It’s just a bunch of crooks in love, y’all.

Yoongi shuffled sleepily from his room, rubbing a bit at his swollen eyes. He’d only managed to get about three hours of sleep, having stayed up to ask around about the people that had Jungkook. Not much seemed to be known about them except that they were the bad kind of bad. The kind that didn’t much care about who got killed on their way to get what they want. Yoongi could be vicious himself, had to be to get where he was, but even he knew not to cross certain lines. He was a bad man, but not evil. And some of the stories he’d been told bordered on insane. He would not feel bad taking these guys out. 

The door to Seokjin’s room was slightly ajar, so he peeked in, snorting at the excessively loud snoring coming from the man. He was nowhere near Namjoon’s level, who could be heard from all the way downstairs if he left his door open, but it wasn’t gentle rumbling either. Yoongi knew the man would deny that he snored even if presented with video evidence, so he simply kept the knowledge to himself. He kinda liked knowing something so intimate about him that he hadn’t known before. 

That was the other thing that had kept Yoongi from getting much sleep. He wasn’t stupid or completely oblivious. He knew that Seokjin was attractive. It was something he’d always been aware of, same as he was aware that grass is green and fire is hot. It was just a fact. He also respected and admired him. He claimed he was his enemy purely for the fact that they were rivals; big time bosses living in the same town were destined to be. He’d fuck around with Seokjin’s jobs and he would return the favor. But they’d never acted against each other in bad blood. In fact, Yoongi felt honored that Seokjin would come to him in his hour of need. That didn’t explain his current feelings, however. 

He’d spent most of the early morning hours with sharp pains in his chest anytime he pictured the way Seokjin had appeared near death on his porch. The thought that the ridiculous fool who didn’t act like a gang leader ninety percent of the time, instead choosing to send his rival birthday presents and Christmas cookies, could have been gone so easily didn’t sit well with him at all. In fact, it felt like one of his own had been attacked, but more. 

Yoongi highly suspected it had something to do with his sudden desire to kiss the other awake. 

He inhaled sharply and promptly turned away from the room, choosing instead to go to the kitchen. Seokjin would probably need another pill when he woke up, so Yoongi put together some porridge for him, along with some bread and fruit. For himself, he just scarfed down a croissant and a couple cups of coffee while he was cooking. Standard fare, to be honest. 

He lugged the heavy tray back up the stairs and entered Seokjin’s room. The snoring was gone although the man’s eyes were stilled closed. He appeared near enough to waking up himself that Yoongi didn’t feel too bad. 

“Rise and wipe up your drool. Brought you some breakfast.” 

Seokjin’s moans as he slowly rose to a sitting position did nothing to Yoongi’s nether regions that anyone could prove. 

Yoongi cleared his throat as he willed his thoughts out of the gutter and set the tray across the other’s lap. He shook a pill out of the bottle on the nightstand and pushed that over, along with a glass of water that the other silently accepted. 

Seokjin’s hair was all over the place, which brought Yoongi no little amount of joy. The man was notoriously obsessed with his appearance, and to be able to see him like this was quite a treat. He was sure that he didn’t look much better, but he also didn’t really care. Sleep did wonders for Seokjin’s lips, however, plumping them up even more than Yoongi had thought possible. He wondered if they were as soft as they looked. 

Fuck. 

“Thank you, Yoongi. Had I known I would get treated like a Queen, I would have come here every time I got hurt.” 

“Yeah, well, stop getting hurt. That’s what your goons are for.” 

Seokjin chuckled gently then popped his pill, guzzling the water down noisily. Yoongi took the chance to load up the spoon, blowing on it a bit before bringing it to Seokjin’s waiting mouth. They settled into the comfortable routine from the night before; Yoongi patiently feeding Seokjin as the other tried to let him with only a little bit of fussing and demands for Yoongi to eat too. 

Yoongi cleared his throat, ready to talk about the day now that he though Seokjin sufficiently awake and comfortable. 

“So, I asked around and found the location where the gangs most likely held up. I sent some people out to look around and make sure that’s where Jungkook is. As soon as I hear the word, Namjoon and I will take some men out to get him.” 

“I’m going too.” 

“No, you are not. You are going to stay right where you are. Not only are you hurt, but you’re on meds too,” Yoongi glares, which would make a normal man cower, did nothing in the face of Seokjin’s determination. 

“Yoongi. He’s my baby brother. Please.” Seokjin’s lip wobbled as he picked up Yoongi’s hand, rubbing his thumb across the back of it as his pretty eyes filled with tears.  

This god damned cheater. 

“Fine. We are waiting until the meds are out first.”

Seokjin unfolded the napkin next to his plate, grinning cheekily at Yoongi, his previous tears suddenly forgotten. Yoongi peered over suspiciously, cursing as he spotted the pain pill he’d given Seokjin. 

“I had a feeling you wouldn’t let me go otherwise.” 

“You sneaky bastard. Fine, be in agonizing pain. What the fuck do I care?” 

“Yoongi,” Seokjin says softly. “It’ll be fine. I can do what I have to do. I can’t just stand by and wait, not knowing if he’s okay or not. I have to go with you. It’s my fault they wanted him in the first place.” 

Yoongi sighs and ruffles his hair in frustration. 

“You’ll stay by me,” he growled. “No wandering off, no trying to play hero. I know you are normally the big bad leader, but you are injured. You have to be realistic.” 

“I promise. I came to you for help, so this is your show. I just want to be a part of it.” 

“If you get shot, I won’t be sad. It’ll be your own damn fault.” 

“Not even a little?” Seokjin pouts.

“Nope.” 

Yoongi had forgotten his hand was still in Seokjin’s custody until the other uses it to pull him closer, smiling gently and so close that Yoongi could feel puffs of hot breath against his lips. He swallowed hard, his mouth going dry as he looked into Seokjin’s warm gaze.

“Your words say one thing. I can see the truth,” Seokjin purred. Yoongi felt a shiver travel down his spine. 

He knew he was blushing enough that there was no way for the other to miss it. Still, he had to at least attempt to save his last shred of dignity. 

“You see nothing. Your eyes are swollen.” 

Seokjin’s eyes flickered down to Yoongi’s mouth, his expressional thoughtful as a low hum came from his throat. Finally, after what seemed like forever to Yoongi, the other backed off slowly and his eyes were once again teasing. 

“So they are.” 

Yoongi exhaled heavily, not even realizing he’d been holding his breath. Had Seokjin almost kissed him? It had certainly felt like it. Would Yoongi have minded? 

No. He didn’t think he would have. 

They watched each other in silence for a few moments before the peace was interrupted by a loud crash from downstairs. 

“Where the fuck is he? Jin? Jinnie?” 

Yoongi quirked an eyebrow at Seokjin, who was silently laughing at Yoongi’s apparently amusing disgruntled face. 

“Up here, Jiminie!” Seokjin yelled loud enough to make Yoongi flinch and pull his hand away, trying his best to appear unbothered. 

At the doorway of the bedroom suddenly appeared Park, looking exactly like an angry little terrier that had once chased Yoongi home from school. Only the pup hadn’t aimed a gun at him. 

“Let him go.” 

Yoongi was impressed. He hadn’t thought the kid had it in him, but that voice was nearly scary enough that it would have made him think twice in any other situation. 

“Jiminie, it’s fine. Yoongi helped me. See, I have food, a big fancy bedroom, a little pretty thing waiting on me hand and foot.” 

Yoongi shot a glare at the giggling man, before turning back to Park. He didn’t want to hurt the kid if he didn’t back down, but he really did not like guns in his face. He preferred to be on the other end, thank you very much. 

Jimin’s shoulder’s finally sagged and he put the gun away, running a hand through his hair as he strode over to the bedside. 

“Thank fuck. All I heard Hoseok say was that you were here and hurt and I rushed over.” 

“Did you say Hoseok? He works for you too? Doctor Turncoat strikes again, I see.” Seokjin sighs. “I’m doing much better now, Jiminie, thanks to Yoongi. Although I’m guessing you didn’t hear the part about Jungkook.” 

“There’s something wrong with Kookie? I’ve been trying to call and text him for two days!” 

“He’s been taken hostage. I was going to try to get him back through a deal, but as you can see that didn’t go well. They are really just trying to take out all the local bosses to gain power. Yoongi’s going to help get him back.” 

Jimin’s face went through a myriad of emotions from shock to sorrow, until it finally settled on anger. “I’m going too.” 

Yoongi growled, already overwhelmed with the situation as it was. “Dammit. I have plenty of men of my own and I don’t need outside people fucking things up. I have it handled, Park.” 

“Fuck you! Jungkook is my boyfriend, and if there’s going to be any rescuing done, it will be by me,” Jimin yelled, shaking his fist dangerously close to Yoongi’s face.  

“This isn’t a contest. It’s about getting the job done with the least amount of issues. I’m sorry, but I don’t know enough about your style to trust you with this.” 

“Either you take me with you and we work together, or I show up and do my own thing. Whatever happens, I’m still going to be there.” 

Yoongi gritted his teeth and studied Jimin, cataloging everything that could go wrong in his head, but also intrigued by the other’s raw determination. Finally, he sighed and turned to Seokjin. 

“Jin, it’s your brother. This is up to you. Do you trust him?” 

“I do,” He nodded. “He’s scary as hell when you get him angry, but he’s good to my Jungkook, and that’s what matters to me. He’s a good kid, Yoongi.” 

“Fine. You stay close. Until we get to Jungkook, Seokjin’s safety is the most important since he’s injured. When my team gets back to me, we’ll set up a plan and head out.” 

“I really think that I - “

“No.” Yoongi interrupted sharply, standing up with a scowl. “You want to join, fine. However, I am in charge here. Seokjin and I have seniority here, and if you want to live and save your boyfriend, you’ll do as I say.” 

“I’ll be in my office if you need me,” he said to the room as he strode towards the door. He paused and grabbed the frame, snarling over his shoulder. 

“By the way, never point a gun in my face again. If you do, you better pull the trigger fast, because I won’t hesitate again. I don’t care who you’re friends with.” 

With his piece said, he began stomping down the stairs, hoping it helped make his point. 

“He’s kinda cute when he’s angry, isn’t he.” 

Yoongi paused and sputtered. God damn that Park kid. 

“Adorable.” 

The laughter in Seokjin’s reply hinted that he knew Yoongi could hear them. 

“Fuck you both!” He hollered up the stairs as the two of them laughed even more. 

At the foot of the stairs, he was met with Namjoon, holding a big designer bag as he stared at the cracked front door. When Yoongi got to his side he smiled in greeting and gestured at the splintered wood with his head. 

“Oh, hey boss. What’s with the door?” 

“It’s because you suck as a bodyguard. Park Jimin is upstairs. Thought I was holding Seokjin hostage and torturing him or something.” 

“Good thing I’m not technically a bodyguard then. Everythings cool?” 

“Yeah.” Yoongi sighed wearily. “Apparently, this rescue mission is becoming a party that anyone can invite themselves to. What’s in the bag?” 

“Ah, Hoseok took me to go pick up some clothes and things for Mr. Kim.” 

Nodding, Yoongi reached out for it. “I got it.” 

Namjoon grinned and handed it over silently before heading towards the direction of Yoongi’s office, leaving Yoongi to make the trek back upstairs. He heard hushed whispers that abruptly stopped as soon as he was near the door. He stuck his head in, knocking on the wall. Jimin was smirking at him like he knew something Yoongi didn’t, while Seokjin’s face was red enough it looked near to bursting. 

“Got some of your things for you here courtesy of Doctor Turncoat,” he said, striding up to the bed and placing the bag at the end of it. “Feels like he packed your whole house.” 

“Bless Hobi. I take back everything.” 

Yoongi snorts and walks towards the head of the bed, getting ready to kick Jimin out so Seokjin could rest. His phone vibrates in his pocket, so he pulls it out and reads the multiple messages that begin streaming in with a furrowed brow. 

“Everything okay?” Seokjin asks. Yoongi sits down on the bed and without even thinking, he grabbed Jin’s hand to reassure him. 

“It’s my men. They’ve surrounded the building and have someone inside that has confirmed Jungkook’s location. The leader is there and Jungkook only has one guard. They’ll only be there until tomorrow, so we have to move tonight.” 

Seokjin releases a loud breath before nodding, worry and relief battling in his eyes. At least they knew where Jungkook was now. 

Jimin jumps up and sports a grim expression as he looks at Yoongi. 

“I’ll go get geared up and then meet back here. What time?” 

“Six. They’ll expect us to come late in the night, so we’ll hit em earlier while their guard is down. Travel light, only essentials. I have plenty of men to cover us.” 

Jimin nods and reaches over to squeeze Seokjin’s shoulder before he leaves in a matter as abrupt as his entrance. 

Yoongi sighs. “I should make the brat pay for my door.” 

Seokjin giggles, his grip tightening on the hand that Yoongi just now realized was still clasped with his. Holding hands with Kim Seokjin was much too easy and felt too...right.

“Send him a bill for it as a wedding present when he and Kook finally get hitched. It’ll be funnier that way.” 

Yoongi laughs loudly, unable to hold back. “You’re so devious. One of your finer qualities.” 

He could have sworn that Seokjin was blushing, but it couldn’t be because of him. No, he was probably just feverish. He was hurt, after all. 

“You take this time to rest. I’m going to see if I can get some camera footage on the place. Text me if you need anything, okay?” 

Yoongi went to stand up only for Seokjin to gently pull him towards him, pressing a soft kiss near the edge of his lips. He pulled away quickly, patting the top of Yoongi’s disoriented head like a dog. 

“Thank you for everything, Yoongi. I’ll be fine. Don’t forget to eat well. We’ll need you at your best tonight.” 

Seokjin shooed him from the room, Yoongi’s mind still too filled with fog to do much more than do as he’s told. He wanders towards the kitchen, making himself a sandwich before he goes to join Namjoon in his office. 

He was very much afraid that flutter in his stomach had less to do with hunger and more with that four letter emotion he’s been refusing to name. 

[raindrop-on-a-spiderweb]

There's Just Something About The Neighbors

Requested AU--if Leonardo's father had been alive during the story.

***

Flora Haywood liked her new neighbors.

The last ones had been a pain, acting as though the fact that they had moved into a middle-class neighborhood gave them special privileges. They stayed up and partied til the dawn, laughing and hollering until she couldn't sleep any longer. When they moved out, it was a enormous relief. They hoped the newer neighbors were quieter.

They were.

It was a married couple and the husband's father. They moved in quietly one day, not a peep. She stopped by to take some cookies to her new neighbors and the wife thanked her wanly but never invited her inside. She was a pale little thing with long, straight brown hair. She kept tugging her sleeves over the bruises on her wrists ("got them while moving boxes"). 

Flora never saw them outside much. Occasionally the father or husband she would see walking to work, or the wife would be doing yardwork, but other than that, they kept themselves away from the other neighbors. The husband was a handsome blond man who always tipped his hat to her when he saw her on the street. Flora wasn't sure what his job was--she thought he was employed by his father in his business, although she never did find out what business it was. The son had mentioned it was something to do with clothing, possible a factory or high-quality tailor store. 

The only time she had seen the husband's father was when he turned up on her doorstep to inform her that her lawn was becoming too overgrown, and told her to mow it. Didn't ask. Told. That one meeting was enough for her, and she would be glad if she never had to see him again. 

She was surprised to see that apparently the couple had children, as she had never seen them outside. At the grocery store she had run into the wife, sporting a fresh bruise on her cheek and a split lip, and more concerningly, a baby bump and a two-year-old. The child had a chubby round face and thick black hair--recessive genes?

When Flora greeted the wife, she looked panicked and refused to answer any questions about her child. She left the store soon after. From then on, whenever the wife saw Flora outside her home, she ducked inside.

Flora's musings about the neighbors were pushed to the back of her mind when her daughter Caroline came back from college, reeking of pot and dressed like a beatnik. She was taking a semester off to work and raise money for a trip to California. She took odd jobs babysitting around the neighborhood, even for the Borgheses, which did not last long.

"That family is fucking creepy," Caroline told her mother. "Mr. Borghese's father is always staring at me. I'm pretty sure he wants to fuck me. And I think someone is beating those kids. They always have bloody noses and the husband won't let me give them baths; I think they're bruised. Someone should call the cops on them."

Flora was tempted. A couple times, when the sounds of an argument or children crying wafted over to her side of the street, she nearly did. But then she thought of the dark cars that occasionally would be parked in their driveway at night. Of the shady men who were always in and out of their house. And their Italian last name. And she thought better of it.

***

One day when Flora went out to get the mail the wife was sitting on the doorstep crying. One of her younger children, a little blonde girl who looked all of three, was trying to comfort her, but kept looking lost and crying as well. Flora went across the street. "Are you all right, Mrs. Borghese? What's the matter?"

Mrs. Borghese looked thinner than she ever had. Her eyes were holes in her face as she looked up at Flora. "My baby's dead."

"What?" Flora was shocked. "What happened?"

"He... I just... I went in and...his body..." she was talking wildly, seeming desperate to tell her but unwilling to admit to something.

The husband came outside and ushered her in, then picked up his daughter. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Haywood," he said coolly. "My wife has been dealing with a lot over the past few days. We've just had a family tragedy."

"I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can--"

"No, no. But thank you. We just need to deal with this as it comes." He entered the house again and closed the door after him. Flora craned her neck to try and see through the window in the door, but like most things in the Borghese family's life, it was covered tightly by a curtain.

***

Caroline was due for her trip to California, and was waiting outside for her friends to pick her up. Every time she looked over at the Borghese's house across the street she got a little more agitated. "I never saw no funeral for that kid."

"They probably held one privately. They're a private family."

"Too private. They're hiding something. It's fishy that half of those kids got black hair. Either she's screwing around on him or she's getting some on the side from dad-in-law."

Flora was horrified. "Caroline!"

"I'm not saying it was of her own will. That woman looks like a beaten dog half the time. The way the father in law treated her was weird, too. Always shouting at her and giving her orders. And her husband would just stand by and look on. Something fucked up is going on in that household! PROMISE me you'll call the police after we leave? Those poor kids don't deserve to live like that."

"I will," promised Flora, having no intention of doing so.

As she watched her daughter leave, speeding off in a dented Buick with her hippie friends, she looked across the street at the Borghese's house again. The father-in-law was on the porch, watching her. She wasn't close enough to discern his features, but his posture suggested something ominous, and she went inside quickly. The Borgheses were not neighbors you wanted angry.

***

Pippy, her Staffordshire terrier, had taken off across the street in pursuit of a squirrel. Flora was tromping around in her neighbor's backyards, yelling his name. She heard distant crying and snatches of conversation, and followed it out of curosity. After brushing aside a bush, she came to a tall wooden fence--the Borghese's garden, heavily fortified just like everything else about their house. She peered through a slat.

She had never seen their garden before--it was clean and well-kept, just like every other middle class garden. Neatly trimmed lawn, and a white porch swing hanging between two trees. From her vantage point, she was behind the porch swing, looking at the backs of Mr. and Mrs. Borghese as they say side by side on the swing.

The faint sobs that drifted through the air were punctuated with his gentle, soothing remarks. 

"Calm down, dolcezza. I'll kiss you, there. I'll make it all better..."

"Get off me. It needs to stop. You need to do something. You've done nothing in this marriage! You've been no help! You men, all you want is a warm hole to stick it in."

"That not true. I love you."

"If you really loved me you'd do something about this! He'll want to do it with me when you're in the room! And when the children are in the room! How can you let this happen? You call yourself a husband and a father?"

"Patience, we're talking about my father. My father. You are asking the impossible of me. It would be easier to flee to the moon than to go against my father."

"I'll kill myself! I'll kill myself and take every last one of our children with me! I can't live like this!"

"Patience--"

"I will never forgive you for what you did to my parents," she said, and her voice suddenly became icy. "But if you want the slightest, smallest glimmer of my gratitude--if you want me to give you the smallest modicum of respect as my husband and father of my children--the ones which are yours, anyway--"

Flora could not believe her ears. Her knees were hurting from crouching, and her lungs were screaming for air from holding her breath. The details--the unfurling tapestry of horror in front of her very eyes--were so unbelieveable she wondered if she were dreaming. Her daughter had been right. Caroline had been right all along. There was something very wrong with the Borgheses.

"There is nothing I can do. Patience, there is nothing. You're not the only victim here, Patience. How do you think it feels to me, having to watch this happen to you and the children? Do you know the last time I stood up to him? I was eight. Do you know what he did to me? He stomped my head into the floor until blood squirted from my nose. There is nothing I can do." He paused, and his voice became quieter. "Unless..."

The silence that followed was as tense as a bowstring, and Mrs. Borghese finally said, "No. What you're suggesting--it could go wrong. It WILL. He'll know. He'll know--"

The plank Flora had been leaning on shifted, the fence post moaning. The two whipped around, their conversation ceasing, and the minute before Flora turned away, she saw a huge, purpling bruise on the side of her face. Flora acted quickly, hurrying away into the treeline. When she was out of sight she let out a shaky sigh, leaning against a tree. Her legs were shaking, her heart pumping. She suddenly felt a sickening sense of danger. She was not supposed to hear that. 

***

Pippy came back home the next week, muddy and tail wagging, and resumed chasing Mickey, her gray tabby. Flora breathed a sigh of relief. She had barely ventured out of her house since that day, save for groceries, and refused to even look in the direction of the Borghese house. She agonized over whether to call the police. The only thing that stopped her was the fear that Silvio Borghese would find out--and what he would do to her, and, god forbid, Caroline if he did. The sickening knowledge of what was going on in that house made her want to retch. Every time she caught a glance of the children in the yard she wanted to rush over and rescue them. 

That day, the only member of the Borghese house outside was one of the daughters, a young girl with coke-bottle glasses and her thick black hair in pigtails. She was riding her trike down the sidewalk, glancing back at her house every few pedals. She never went past the perimeter of the house, and when she reached the end, turned and pedaled back to the other end. She was so preoccupied with not going past the invisible line that when she craned her neck back to look at the house she lost control and crashed to the ground.

Maternal instincts activating, Flora rushed out and over to the child, picking her up and cradling her. "Oh, my god! You poor thing, are you hurt? Come on, let me look at you."

***

The girl was nervous at being in Flora's home, she could tell. She sat ramrod-straight, her knees pulled together as Flora rummaged around in her bathroom cabinet looking for cotton and rubbing alcohol. 

As soon as Flora applied it, the girl's face went ashen. Tears streamed down her face and her jaw wobbled, but she didn't utter a peel.

It was very odd to Flora, who knew children cried at the smallest things. And this was a deep wound, too--she had skinned her knee. "You can cry, honey. It's okay."

The girl's words escaped in a shaky whisper. "Nonno hates it when we cry."

She said nothing else, and when Flora sent her home with a bandaged knee, the girl went up to the front door, dawdled a bit, looked back, and then finally, reluctantly, pulled the door open and was immediately yanked inside.

***

It had been a few years since the Borghese family moved in across the street. Their children were mostly old enough to go to school, and every day they slogged their way down the sidewalk to Catholic School in their little uniforms, the older ones holding the hands of the younger ones. She never saw them with friends from school or the neighborhood. The Borghese children kept to themselves. They were polite to Flora when they saw her, and spoke mostly in Italian amongst themselves. The only trouble she'd ever had with them was with the oldest son, a hulking child with blue eyes and two front teeth missing. She had found him torturing Pippy while he was tied up in her front yard. He had been beyond the fence, holding a sharp stick and trying to poke his eyes out. Flora had yelled at him, and he had smiled blankly at her with his gap-toothed grin, then turned and trudged back to his house. 

Mrs. Borghese was pregnant again. She was always pregnant. Flora had no idea what the household must have been like with so many children crammed in a medium-sized home, but she rarely heard any racket from the children. There was always an eerie silence from the other side of the street.

Only the sounds of an occasional argument between adults, which were few--at least until now--would sometimes pierce the silence. And it was becoming more common. She could discern the shrill, high voice of the wife, and then the booming, thunderous voice of the father-in-law. Sometimes she even heard one of the children, either crying or adding their voices to the fray. 

One evening when she was pruning her water lilies the wife came to her yard, wringing her hands and asking if she could borrow some peroxide and bandages. Her whole manner was nervy, and she kept stuttering. She wore a yellow gingham dress, but the apron was smudged with dirty fingerprints and the skirt had been ripped and badly mended.

Flora took her inside immediately. As she bent down to rifle through her products under the sink, Mrs. Borghese closed the curtains over the kitchen. As soon as the door had snapped shut, her manner had become more panicked. Mrs. Borghese turned to Flora. 

"Can you do something for me? Please?"

The woman looked so young. Battered and tired, but young. 

"Of course, honey."

"Can you drive me to a hotel? Just, any hotel. I need to--I just--please?"

"Alone? What about your husband? Will you be taking your children?"

She looked stressed. "No. Not them. None of them. I need to be alone. I need to get out of--"

Her rantings were cut short by a soft knock on the door. "Pazienza? What are you doing here? Please come home."

"No!" She cried. She was shaking. "I will not. Leonardo, go away. Leave me be. I won't go back to that house--and that man. You can't make me!"

"Che ne sarà dai bambini?" his voice had softened into barely legible Italian. "Li lascerete in pace?"

Mrs. Borghese fell silent. Her face held a rapidly crumbling resolve. Flora met her gaze and shook her head firmly. Mrs. Borghese's eyes hardened. "This thing has to end. Leonardo, for the good of our children, too. Call--call the police, call Sawyer, hell, you can call the federal fucking authorities if you want to go that route! But I'm not coming back, Leonardo! Not if you drag me kicking and screaming! None of you care about me, how I feel, if I'm tired, and the children, god, the children..."

"Pazienza," he said quietly. "Allora faremo."

She was quiet again. Her face was turned away from Flora, but her shoulders were stiff. On the nape of her neck, half-covered by her hair, Flora saw a thick white scar indented with looked like teeth prints. "Che succederà se falliamo?" She whispered.

"Non lo faremo. Lo faremo insieme. Lo faremo stasera. Stasera. Vieni fuori, dolcezza."

Whatever he said made her reach her breaking point, and she slowly reached out to unlatch the door. Mr. Borghese was standing outside, hair slicked from rain and his suit damp. His face was gentle, but froze minutely when he saw Flora. He probably had hoped she hadn't been listening in. He offered Flora a vague apology and led his wife back across the street, arm wrapped tightly around her shoulders. The streetlamp light glinted coldly off his golden curls.

Flora lay awake in bed, waiting for the argument to begin, the shouting between father-in-law and daughter-in-law. But she heard nothing. It was a quiet night in the sleepy suburb of Dearborne Heights. 

***

Flora was awoken by the scream of an ambulance. Fearing the worst, she threw off her covers and ran out onto the doorstep. 

There were police cars and an ambulance outside the Borghese house. Other neighbors were milling around--police cars were a rare sight in Dearborne Heights.

A policeman went over to push back against the nosy neighbors. "What happened?" Said Flora. "Was someone hurt? Did something happen to the children?"

"Reported suicide. Keep back, keep back."

Her worry broke when she saw the Borghese family huddled near the house, talking to another officer. Mr. Borghese looked calm as he gave his statement, but Mrs. Borghese looked shaken, clutching her many children close to her. Most of the children were crying, some of them looked to be in shock. But some of them had a carefully schooled look on their face similiar to their father's.

Eventually the family separated and got into police cars, and the crowd dispersed, as did the police cars themselves. Flora went back inside, her mind whirring. The whole situation seemed like a dream. The death, the couple, the conversation she had overheard--nothing added up.

Actually, she thought, everything DID add up. Just to a different answer.

***

The next morning Flora heard a knock at her door. She debated whether to answer it, hand hovering near the doorknob, until another, more irate knock sounded at the door.

Flora opened it hesitantly, and a man wearing a broad fedora barged in. He was dressed in a black suit; dark-haired, with wire-rimmed glasses that glinted coldly as he eyed her. "Flora Haywood?"

Flora nodded.

"Mind if I sit down?" He punctuated his words by pulling out a chair from her kitchen table and sitting down anyway. "I'm sure you've heard about the... unfortunate incident at 34 Knight Street, just across from you."

"...Yes... it was Mr. Borghese, Senior, am I correct?"

"I'm afraid so. Silvio Borghese. Single gunshot to the temple, self-inflicted. Horrible, horrible. I understand you knew the Borgheses personally."

"They're my neighbors, but I don't know them well."

His voice was as cold as his eyes. "So if, for example, someone from the police stopped by, and asked you some questions, what would you tell them?"

"Wh-what kind of questions?"

"Oh, you know, the usual. Whether you heard anything that night. Whether there had been any... discord in the Borghese household as of late. Simple things, routine things the police tend to ask."

She felt a chill come down her back. "Who are you?"

"A friend of Mr. Borghese, junior. Leonardo." He smiled and got up, perusing her keepsakes neatly lined up on the mantlespiece. To her horror, he picked up a photo of Caroline. "Your granddaughter?"

She swallowed a lump. "Daughter."

"Lovely woman. She looks about the age of my wife. Truly in the prime of her life. A young woman with her whole life ahead of her."

Flora would have done anything he had asked of her in that moment. "I don't know anything about the Borghese family. I heard nothing last night. I don't know a thing. The family keeps to themselves."

His eyes flicked up to meet hers. "And that's what you'll tell the police?"

"Yes, yes, that's what I'll tell the police! I don't know anything! Please, I have laundry to do. I can't sit around and talk all day!"

He smiled as he left, a smug secret smile that told her he had accomplished exactly he had come to accomplish. She locked the door, latched the windows, and immediately called Caroline. She sounded woozy on the other end and the sounds of partying were in the background, but she was safe. Flora cautioned her to be careful, and Caroline agreed in that sure-mom-I-promise tone that teenagers took when they had no intention of listening to their parents. After wrangling more promises out of her to call every day, Flora hung up and spent the rest of the day peering out the window, watching every car parked on the sidewalk and every passerby.

***

The police never came, thank god, and Flora assumed the whole situation was over and done for when the large Borghese family, sans the grandfather, moved back into their tan suburban house across from her.

It was as if a shadow had lifted from Knight Street. Within a week the high fence around their property had been knocked down. Flora saw Mr. Borghese building a treehouse with his sons in the large oak tree in their backyard. The Borghese children were out and about more, and they seemed to be making friends, for the first time, around the neighborhood. Mrs. Borghese saw Flora outside in the garden and smiled and waved, something she had never done before. She looked vibrant, healthy, with no bruises. She gave birth several months later to a baby girl, who she dropped off at Flora's sometimes to be babysat. Leonardo even held a block party, with his smiling, beautiful wife and their newborn the centerpiece.

In the blink of an eye it seemed that years had passed since then and the eldest son was going to high school. But Flora never lost that sense of unease. The neighbors were outwardly affluent, popular people...

But sometimes Mrs. Borghese would get a look on her face, and Flora knew what lurked under the surface was never far from bubbling over, and that the secrets Flora had touched on were too deep and numerous for her to understand.

Not that she had any desire to.

[queenofthemilkcowboogieblues]

Christmas Surprise Part 1 (Gabriel x Reader)

(A/N): This is super late, but I’ve been busy for the past two months.

I lean heavily against the door of the bunker. I hear a chuckle,”Well if it isn’t our resident Trickster.”

I glare at Dean on the floor below me,”Hush. I’m not in the mood.”

“When are you ever?”

I ignore his question as I sit down at on of the chairs around the library. I run a hand over my stomach while thinking about what my present to Gabriel is.

I jump slightly when I turn to my right upon hearing the flutter of wings. Gabriel smiles softly at me before sitting next to me. My curiousity peeks upon seeing a box in his hands. I poke his chest,”What’s in the box, Honey Bear.”

He smirks,”Well, Honey Bunny. You have to guess.”

I roll my eyes,”Ornaments?”

He sighs with a shake of his head as he hands me the box,”I’ll never know how you do that.”

I chuckle,”I was telling you how I need more ornaments for that big tree over there.”

I open the box only to gasp as I pull out a glass forget-me-not flower followed by a Lily. “Oh, Gabriel,”I whisper.

He smiles,”Any idea what they mean?”

I nod as I point to the Lily,”Since it’s white the Lily amongst other things can translate to its heavenly to be with you.”

He taps his nose before pointing at me telling me I was correct. He then points to the Forget-Me-Not,”And this?”

I wink at him,”It’s my favorite flower, so obviously I know off the top of my head that I means true love.”

He hums before pulling me into a soft kiss. I pull back,”Am I correct?”

He wiggles his eyebrows which causes me to giggle before I tug him back into a slightly more heated kiss.

I quickly pull back again when I hear a snap. I notice the ornaments are gone from my hand. I quickly look behind him to see them front and center on the tree as well as a few other flower ornaments on the tree. All of them meaning love in one way or another.

Dean sticks his head into the library,”If your done locking lips with Gabriel can you snap up some dinner, (Y/N)?”

I turn to him with a glare before snapping my fingers and making a ham, German carrots, mashed potatoes, red cabbage, and green bean casserole appear on the library table. I gesture to the table,”Have at it. Also, there is apple pie in the fridge.”

I smirk pridefully as Dean, Sam, Jack, Cas, and Gabriel dig into my Christmas feast. I, however, am nauseated by it. Gabriel nudges his knee against mine before whispering,”Aren’t you gonna eat?”

I shake my head,”No. I will later. I’m not very hungry. I think I’m actually gonna go lay down with a certain dog of yours. Hopefully, Dickie won’t hump my leg this time.”

He nods silently before going back to eating. I stand up and begin to walk to Gabriel and I’s shared room. We’d begun sharing ever since I saved him in Apocalypse world which was about a year ago. We had been very close since we first met at Crawford Hall. I even kept his secret for awhile, and he kept mine. Needless to say Dean and Sam weren’t to happy with me, but I have long since earned their trust back.

As I open the door a little rat terrier yips happily from the bed. I chuckle softly at him as I tug my boots off. I then unzip my jacket and throw it at the foot of the bed.

I plop down on the bed before reaching under my pillow for the little blue baby blanket I had bought as soon as I found out I was a pregnant. Dickie jumps up on the bed, and nudges my stomach before laying on the baby blanket. I roll my eyes,”Really, Dickie.”

I roughly pull the blue blanket out from under him, and stuff it back under my pillow. I shut my eyes even though I don’t really need to sleep, but it calms me down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up to the smell of chocolate, which causes my stomach to turn. I throw the blanket that I didn’t remember getting under our of the way before I sprint out of the room and down the hall to the bathroom.

“Hey! Wait!”I hear Gabriel yell after me as I slam my knees into the floor in my haste to get my head in the toilet.

A hand pulls back my hair as I dry heave. This goes on for a few minutes before I lean back woh my hands shakily holding onto the toilet seat. The hand that was holding my hair let’s go to rub my back,”It’s okay. You’re okay.”

I turn to Gabriel,”Can you get me some sugar water?”

He furrows his eyebrows in confusion at the request, but snaps his fingers to make a glass of sugar water appear on the floor next to us. I quickly pick it up and begin to chug it. Gabriel grabs my wrist,”Slow down, Sugar. You going to make yourself vomit again.”

I reluctantly slow down before setting down the now empty glass. I smile tiredly at him,”Thanks.”

He shakes his head,”Anything for you. Now. Why don’t you tell me why you were just worshipping the toilet?”

I sigh, “I can’t.”

He frowns,”Why not?”

I play with the vial of angel grace around my neck. A gift from Gabriel himself. I grip it tightly,”I don’t know how you’ll react, and that scares me.”

He chuckles softly,”Come on. You’ve got nothing to be afraid of. Tell me. I might surprise you.”

I raise an eyebrow at that before sighing as I gently grab one of his hands. “I’m pregnant.”

He beams,”I know.”

My eyes widen,”Pardon?”

He taps my nose as he repeats,”I. Know.”

I glare at him before gently shoving him,”Why didn’t you tell me that?”

He grabs my hand to stop me from standing up and storming off,”It wasn’t my secret to tell. Also, I really wanted to hear you say it.”

I groan as I lean my head on his shoulder,”How long have you known?”

He shurgs,”It was around the time the baby got a heartbeat. I could sense it then. Jack and Cas probably can too.”

I roll my eyes,”Wonderful. You knew before I did.”

He chuckles,”Sorry. So? Craving sugar?”

“I’m a trickster, Honey Bear. I always want sugar. It’s more like I want more sugar, but can’t stomach it, so sugar water helps.”

He runs a finger across my bare arm,”How’re you feeling?”

I chuckle,”Odd question, but I’m a bit meh right now. Oh! My powers are going haywire. Yesterday, I wanted a glass of water and got a glass of wine instead. Not to mention the lights flickering when I enter a room sometimes.”

He smirks playfully,”Well it is the child of two tricksters.”

I groan,”God help me.”

He shakes his head,”Don’t being my dad into this.”

I stand up slowly,”I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.”

He laughs,”You or the baby?”

I laugh,”Both of us. Now come on. I’d like to eat before I pass out from lack of sugar intake.”

He holds up his hands in surrender,”Wouldn’t dream of it, Honey Bunny.”

[cuddlysmii7y]

Bath Time ((Ohmtoonz))

Luke took off his headphones to hear a loud commotion coming from the main floor. Furrowing his brows in confusion, he made his way out of his office. As soon as he stepped out of the semi-soundproof room, he was hit with the loudness. And also his cat.

Luke wrapped an arm around Princess as she climbed up his pant leg.

“What the-”

“BUDDY!! NO, COME!!!”

Luke turned his head towards the stairs where Ryan’s voice was coming from as his legs got knocked out from under him. Luke was surrounded with the sounds of barking, meowing, and Ryan yelling, running up the stairs. Luke tried to hold his cat, Princess, out of reach of Ryan’s dog, but all that did was get himself bombarded with paws and nails.

Then there wasn’t a dog in his lap anymore. Luke looked up to see a very disheveled, out of breath, Ryan holding very wet and very muddy, Buddy. He realized that not only his boyfriend and dog were dirty, but also his cat in his arms.

“What the fuck happened while I was recording?” Luke eyed Ryan as he got back up onto his feet.

“Everything.” Ryan said, exhaustion dripping from his voice.

“Okay, but why do the animals look like they’ve been rolling around in the garden?” Luke chuckled, swiping some mud off of Ryan’s forehead with his thumb.

“Well, I was vacuuming and I didn’t hear the rain start, so you know, I didn’t lock Buddy’s doggy door like we normally do. And then at some point, I don’t know if she saw a bird on the porch or what, but all of a sudden Princess darted out the door and Buddy followed her. And I know you don’t like Princess being outside on her own, so I went out to bring her in her since I was in the middle of cleaning,” Ryan sighed, catching his breath. “And when I got to the door, Buddy was already frisky from the rain and was running around the yard. And Princess was rolling in the new flower beds. And-”

“Oh my god, Ry.” Luke laughed.

“Don’t laugh! Its not funny.” Ryan pouted.

“It kinda is. But what I really what to know is, how did you get completely covered in mud?” Luke asked, glancing Ryan up and down, seeing how the entire front of Ryan’s body was caked in muck.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh come on-”

“Lukeee.”

“Alright, alright,” Luke shook his head. “Why don’t you go get yourself cleaned up then you can help me finish giving these two their baths.”

“So get clean only to get dirty again?”

“At least go put those clothes in the laundry room sink, you stink.”

“You’re cleaning the carpet later.” Ryan mumbled.

“You got mud in the carpet?!”

“No! Your cat did!” Ryan said over his shoulder as he walked away.

Luke sighed, looking at two dirty pets sitting at his feet.

“You’re a piece of work, you know that?”

Buddy cocked his head at him while Princess just walked around Luke’s leg.

“Where do you think you’re going? You’re a fucking mess.” Luke said as he picked up his cat.

He whistled for Buddy to follow as he went into the bathroom. Luke set Princess in the sink, just to get her out of the way, before picking up all the clean bath towels and bathmat and putting them in the closet.

“So,” Luke started. “Who wants a bath first?”

At the sound of the word “bath”, Buddy’s ears plastered down onto his head and he ran to hide behind the toilet.

“Well, it looks like its you, darling.” Luke chuckled, scooping up his cat.

Unlike most house cats, Princess loved water. She loved being in water so much that Luke had to train her with treats to stay out of the kitchen sink when he does the dishes. At first Ryan thought it was a joke when Luke told him that he had trained Princess, that was until Luke proved it by doing the dishes and getting her to stop climbing his pant leg when he pulled out a treat. But no matter how many treats Ryan gave her, he still couldn’t stop her from jumping into a full sink.

“Ack! Princess, no! The water’s not warmed up yet!”

“Myeow!!”

“Fine! Be that way!!” Luke gave up arguing with his cat and let her jump in.

He let her splash around for a couple minutes, hoping she’d get most of the mud off her paws, before grabbing the cat shampoo.

Princess kept purring and trying to rub up against Luke’s arm as Luke tried to rinse her fur out. She started meowing at him as he lifted her out of the water. Luke snatched an old towel off the counter and swaddled her up. Princess seemed to glare at him as he went to put Buddy in the bath.

As soon as Luke’s hands went around the dog, Buddy went dead weight. Luke chuckled at the jack terrier’s antics as he easily picked up the 15lb dog.

As soon as they got close to the bathtub, Buddy went frantic. He did everything he could to get out of Luke’s arms.

“Shhh, calm down, Buddy. I’m just gonna give you a bath.” Luke said softly.

Luke rubbed behind Buddy’s ear to try to ease his nerves before picking up the shower head. As soon as it was in his hand, Buddy just started jumping at the edge of the tub.

“Aw, come on, Bud! You could at least try to make this easy on me.” Luke groaned as he tried to control the muddy dog.

Luke held Buddy with one hand while he rinsed him with his other hand. But as soon as Luke took his hand off of the dog to grab the shampoo, Buddy took his opening and lept out of the tub.

“Damnit! No!!”

As Luke yelled in surprise, he dropped the showerhead. Water was spraying everywhere. Buddy was sopping wet, jumping at the door. Princess was sinking on the edge of the vanity, pawing at Buddy’s nose everytime he jumped.

Then the doorknob turned.

“Wait, Ryan! Don’t let Buddy out!!”

“Luke, what did you do?” Ryan’s muffled voice sounded from the other side of the door.

“I didn’t you anything. It was your dog that did it!”

The door slowly nudged open as Ryan eased through the gap.

-

“Well why didn’t you turn off the water then??”

“Everything happened too fast, alright?!”

“No, not alright,” Ryan sighed. “Because the water is still going!”

And with that, Ryan snatched the showerhead off the floor and aimed it at Luke.

“Hey!” Luke sputtered. “Why you little-”

Luke reached up and wrapped an arm around Ryan’s waist, swinging him down on the floor.

“Ekk!! Luke!!!” Ryan wildly continued to spray Luke as he tried to get out of his grasp.

“Alright, so that’s how you want to play?”

And with that, Luke got up on his knees and swung Ryan’s body over the edge of the tub.

“No!!” Ryan yelped as he fell into the water.

Luke laughed triumphantly until he got a face full of soapy water.

“Oh shut up.” Ryan giggled.

In no time it evolved into a full on splash fight.

Princess had managed to get back into the tub and Buddy was barking at the duo.

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Ryan glared at Luke with no malice in his eyes.

“You were the one that started it!” Luke laughed as he ofter a hand to help him out of the water.

“But that doesn’t give you the right to fucking throw me into the tub!” Ryan pouted.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Do you think Buddy’s clean enough?”

They both looked down at the trembling dog.

“Oh fuck, this all must’ve freaked the poor little guy out.” Luke sighed as he went to pet him.

Buddy side-eyed him before scampering to the other side of the bathroom.

Buddy ran back over as soon as Ryan kneeled down next to Luke. When Ryan started softly singing, Buddy finally sat down.

“That’s it, Bud. That’s it.” Ryan smiled as he spoke in a soothing voice. “Was mean old Lukey scaring you with all the water?”

“Me?!”

“Shh!” Ryan looked smugly at him. “Why don’t you go get the blowdryer out of our bathroom while I get him settled down?”

“Fine.” Luke sighed before heading towards their masterbath.

~

The sight before Luke was honestly pretty hysterical.

Ryan was sitting on the floor, leaning against the cabinetry, his legs spread out before him. His clothes were dripping wet, hair pushed down against his forehead. His green eyes were closed either from exhaustion or to keep the water out of his vision.

Buddy, who was just as wet as his owner, was awkwardly draped over Ryan’s lap. Only Buddy’s back end and head were actually on Ryan’s legs. His hips were up on Ryan’s right leg, his head on Ryan’s left thigh, while the dog’s middle was dipped in between Ryan’s knees. Luke didn’t know if he was even comfortable, but either way, Buddy wasn’t moving anytime soon.

Princess sat with her back towards them, facing the mirror, obviously mad at him for not letting her stay in the bath. Luke rolled his eyes at his premadona cat before plugging in the blowdryer.

Luke must’ve not alerted the two on the floor of his presence, because as soon as he flipped on the hairdryer, the duo jumped in surprise.

“Oh my god, Luke!”

Instead of replying, Luke just turned the hairdryer at Ryan’s face, blowing the hair out of his face.

“Ack! Luke!!” Ryan reached for the blowdryer.

Luke giggled as he held it out of Ryan’s reach, keeping it trained on Ryan’s head.

“Toonzyyyy! You’re suppose to be drying the animals! Not harassing me!!”

“Payback’s a bitch.” Luke laughed before joining the other on the floor.

Ryan stuck out his tongue as Luke sat down next to him.

“Is he okay with being blowdryed?” Luke asked, watching Buddy eye the object in question.

“Why don’t you try and see?” Ryan said with a mischievous grin.

“Is he gonna attack me or some shit?” Luke asked, keeping the airflow trained on his cat.

“Just do it!”

“Fine. But you have to towel dry Princess.” Luke huffed, tossing a towel at Ryan.

“Alright. Come here, Princess!” Ryan turned to the cat.

Princess looked at him before looking away.

“Oh, come on!”

Luke chuckled and picked up the cat. As he sat down, he placed Princess in Ryan’s lap. “Hey, Buddy. You ready for the… hairdryer?” Ryan said, his voice getting higher and more excited sounding. Buddy immediately jumped up, nearly tripping over himself. Luke gave Ryan a questioning look. “Well go on!” Ryan giggled. Luke hesitated a second before flipping on the blowdryer. As soon as the air flow was trained on the dog, he went crazy. Buddy was jumping all around, pawing at the air as Luke tried to dry him. Ryan was laughing his ass off as Luke danced around the kitchen as he tried to avoid getting junped on. “Stop gigglin at me!” Luke playfully glared at Ryan. “Give me some help here!” “Nah, you’re doing great!” Ryan grinned as he watched amusedly. “He’s almost dried all the way.” “How long does it usually take to dry him?!” “Honestly, I don’t really know. Most of the time I just towel-dry him.” Ryan shrugged. “Wait, so you’re telling me I couldn’t just wrapped him up instead of getting attacked?!” “Mayyybe.” “You little bitch…” Ryan just laughed in response. “I can’t believe you made me do that for your own entertainment.” Luke huffed as he sat down next to Ryan. “I didn’t make you do anything.” Ryan grinned. “Oh shut up, you-” “Shhh.” Ryan then pressed his lips against Luke’s. “You had fun. Admit it.” “With you around, how could I ever be bored?” Luke said, looking adoringly into Ryan’s eyes. “Stoppp.” Ryan giggled. Luke grinned before tilting his head down to kiss the top of Ryan’s head. Ryan snuggled against Luke’s damp shoulder. “Nah come on. You can’t fall asleep in here all wet.” Luke chuckled, nudging Ryan a bit. “I’m nottt.” “Uh huh…” Luke sat up, clearly not convinced. “No, come back. You’re warm.” “Ryan, do you realize how humid it is in here?” “Still not as warm as your loveee.” Ryan giggled. “Alright, yep, its bedtime. You’ve had too much excitement for one day.” Luke said as he stood up. “Hey, I was the one who got your cat out of the mud! You should be thanking me!” “I might thank you after you get the mud out of the carpet then too.” “…” Ryan bit back a comment. “Just- just shut up and cuddle me.” “That I can do.” Luke grinned as he scooped Ryan up in his arms. ~fin~

[queerchester-from-beacon-hills]

Creating A Life With You

Part 13

Part 14 - A Little Transition

Derek wasn't stupid. He could tell something was up with his youngest son. What that something was, he couldn't quite tell. But he was going to get to the bottom of it. Clark had been acting weird. If Derek thinks about it, he can tell it's been happening for a while and he just hadn't picked up on it. It was a very subtle and slow change in the fifteen year old.

Derek can't pinpoint exactly when it started, but he can pinpoint the first odd think he noticed. Clark has always been very outgoing, a young Stiles on steroids, but recently he hasn't been. He's been very quiet and withdrawn. Normally, during the day, he's out and about. Out with school friends, or his cousins, he's always doing something.

When he is home, he's bugging his sisters. He's cooking or baking, playing video games with Cadi, running circles around Miranda, going on tangents that rival Stiles'. Lately though, he hasn't been going out. He stays home, but not with his family, he stays in his room. When he does make an appearance downstairs, it's only when he's expected to be.

He comes down for dinner, and family time, but otherwise he stays upstairs. When he is around, he isn't talking a mile per minute, or tugging on Miranda's hair. He sits quietly, only speaking when spoken to. Normally you can't get him out of the kitchen, he's always wanting to cook something. Derek hasn't seen him in there for longer than a couple minutes in weeks.

He's still the smiley kid that allows his twin to braid his hair while they watch movies that he's always been, but Derek can tell it's forced. Derek wants to blame it on Clark being a teenager, wants to brush it off and say it's normal. But he knows his kids, and something just isn't right. He can smell it on Clark, he smells miserable and sad. It makes Derek want to lash out at whatever is hurting his kid, and curl protectively around him.

But instead of letting his more animalistic side get the best of him, he decides using his words might be the better option. For now.

He knocked on Clark's bedroom door, waiting for Clark's voice to beckon him in, before pushing the door open. Clark is sitting on his floor, his back against his bed, with his laptop in his lap and earbuds in his ears.

Pies was curled up next to him, glued to Clark's side. The damn dog was ten now, but she didn't like to act her age. Derek wasn't looking forward to the day she finally got too old. Bull terriers normally lived anywhere from ten to fourteen years, so hopefully they didn't have to deal with it anytime soon.

Clark pulls one earbud out when his father walked in, pausing the music he was listening to.

"Ya, Pops?"

"Hey, kiddo. Can I sit with you?"

Clark nodded, scooting over a bit so Derek could lean against the bed too. Derek sat next to his son, ruffling his hair as he did. Clark huffed indignantly, batting his father's hands. Derek chuckled at his son's antics. His flailing reminded him so much of Stiles.

"Your hair is getting long." Clark just nodded, looking anywhere but at Derek. "Do you wanna get it cut soon?"

Clark's head snapped in Derek's direction, his eyes wide. He shook his head frantically, pushing Derek's hand away from his hair.

"No! No, I-I'm good. I like it."

Derek was a little confused by Clark's reaction, but didn't say anything. He just nodded, raising his hands in surrender.

"Alright, I was just asking. It looks good on you."

"Yo-you think so?"

"Ya, of course. You have great hair, you get that from me."

Clark scoffed, rolling his eyes fondly. Derek chuckled, bumping shoulders with Clark.

"Okay. Well I didn't come up here just to talk about your hair. I wanted to check in with you, see how you're doing."

"I'm fine, Pop. All good."

Derek could hear the obvious tick in Clark's heartbeat, easily picking up on the lie.

"Clark-"

"Really Papa, I'm fine. I have a lot homework to finish though."

Derek just looked at Clark for a moment, searching his face for something. But Clark wouldn't look at him. Derek finally sighed, nodding.

"Okay. I'm not going to push you. Just.. When you're ready to talk about whatever is bugging you I'm here, kiddo. Both Dad and I are, okay?"

"I know, Papa."

Derek nodded, pressing a kiss to Clark's head before getting up. His back cracked and groaned as he got off the floor. God, he was getting old. Clark softly chuckled at him, but quickly looked away innocently when Derek sent him a glare.

"Dinner should be read soon."

"Okay, I'll be down."

Clark shoved his earbuds back in, pushing play on his music. Derek sighed, closing the door behind him.

****

Derek let it continue for another week, but it just got worse. So then he had to bring in the big guns. The big guns being Stiles. He wasn't even slightly surprised to find out Stiles was already well aware of Clark's odd behavior, as the younger man was just as in tune with their kids at Derek was.

"I don't know, I just figured he'd come talk to us when he was ready.. But it's been a while, Der. Why hasn't he come talked to us?"

"I don't know. I tried to talk to him last week about it, but I got absolutely nowhere."

Stiles walked closer to Derek, plastering himself to the werewolf's front and tucking his head into the crook of Derek's neck. Derek wrapped his arms around Stiles' smaller frame, pulling him closer as he leaned back against the kitchen counter.

"Where did we go wrong, Der? I thought we were raising our kids so they would always know they were loved, and that we here for them no matter. They can always be honest with us. Hell, I would hide a body for one of them! First Randa wasn't comfortable coming to us about C.J, now Clark is hurting and won't tell us why. Did we do something wrong?"

Derek hushed his husband, pressing a kiss to his head.

"No, sweetheart. Teenagers are just like this. My parents raised us the same way, with open arms and loving hearts. It didn't stop us from keeping stuff from them. Some things are just difficult to handle, some things we just have handle and sort through on our own."

"It still kills me to see our little boy in so much pain. I wish I could just shelter him from everything for the rest of his life."

"I know what you mean. The smell of his misery is starting to reek up the whole house, it's killing me. It's starting to affect Cadi too, she's been moping. They've always told everything to each other."

Even after the twins went through their own identity crisis, trying their best to obviously be two different people and stand apart from the other, they were still super close. They've always been close, the other's best friend. It was hard on Cadi to not have her brother around, especially when he was obviously upset about something.

"What should we do?"

"If he doesn't tell us what's wrong, I don't think there is anything we can do. We just need to be here for him."

It was only a couple of days after Stiles and Derek's conversation when shit hit the fan. Derek was in the kitchen, cleaning dishes, while Stiles was upstairs in the office. Miranda was off with her friends, something about senior prom committee. It was a quiet peaceful day in the Stilinski-Hale household.. Until it wasn't.

It started with yells, shortly followed by a loud crash. From there it escalated to growls and snarls, along side the sound of a fight breaking out. Derek dropped the plate he was cleaning into the skin, the sound of it shattering not even catching his attention as he ran up the stairs to Clark's room.

Stiles had made it there first, trying desperately to push his way between Cadi and Clark. His attempts were useless though as the two wolfed out teens continued to swing and scratch at each other. Derek let out a roar, the sound of it shaking the house as his eyes glowed red. The twins instantly reacted, their beta forms melting away as they backed away from each other.

"What the hell is going on in here?!"

Neither twin spoke up, their eyes set on their feet, determinedly not looking at their fuming father. Derek took in the scene around him. The shallow cuts on both of the teens were already healing, small bits of blood left where they were, and there was a shattered lamp on the floor that fell off of the desk.

"That was not rhetorical. Both of you sit. Now."

They did, sitting on the edge of Clark's bed. There was a good gap left between them though. Stiles moved to stand by Derek in front of the kids, his arms crossed over his chest.

"I am very disappointed in both of you. You both know better. Do you want to tell us what this is about?"

Again, neither teen spoke up, only adding to their parents' anger.

"You both are already in a lot of trouble. Not speaking is only going to make it worse."

Finally Clark spoke up, sending a glare his sister's way.

"Cadi shoved me."

"Only because-" "No, you d-" "You were-"

Derek growled again, much quieter this time, silencing both of them. If it was any other situation, the two men might have found it comical how their kids still argue like they did when they were five. But now was not the time for that.

"Cadi, why did you shove your brother?"

"I only came in here to talk to him. I just want to know what's wrong with him, but he won't talk to me!"

"I get that you're upset about that, but that is no reason to resort to violence."

"I only shoved him cause he said he wasn't my brother."

Stiles turned to Clark, confusion laced on his face.

"Clark, why would you say that sweetie?"

Clark didn't answer. He looked anywhere but at his family, his arms curled protectively around himself. Derek's stomach was starting to hurt from the waves of grief that were rolling off of him.

"Son-"

"Stop calling me that!"

Stiles stepped back, shocked. Clark had never once risen his voice like that at his parents. Clark's eye kept flickering back and forth from gold to hazel, like he was struggling to control it. His fists were clenched tight, his claws drawing blood as they pressed into his palms.

Stiles stepped forward again, kneeling in front of Clark. He took Clark's hands in his and getting them to loosen. Derek followed suit, sitting between the twins on the bed. He put his arms around both of them, rubbing soothing circles into Clark's back.

"Tell us what's wrong, baby."

Clark was crying, tears falling down his cheeks. Stiles wiped them away, brushing Clark's hair out of his face.

"I- I don't feel like her brother..."

No one spoke, knowing Clark was just having a hard time forming his words. They waited patiently, letting him work through it.

"What if I wanted to be her sister instead? What if that's what I feel like?"

Derek felt a weight fly off his chest. This, this he could deal with. He and Stiles have always encouraged their kids to express themselves how they want. Clark always had his nails painted as a kid, or would wear the girls' dress up clothes around the house, sometimes even out. It wasn't even something Stiles or Derek had ever thought about, it was just who their kid was. It stopped when Clark got a little older, but again neither of them thought anything of it.

When Clark said he wasn't Cadi's brother, it made Derek's chest get painfully tight. Having Clark disown his family, that he could not deal with. This, this was not something he would ever even consider thinking of as a problem. Stiles seemed to share his feelings on this.

"That's it, baby? That's what you've been so miserable about? Clark, if that's what you feel, then that's what you feel. Okay? That does not change anything. Well, we might need to change which pronouns we're using, but that is so easy. If that is what you need, that is what you will get. Okay, baby?"

Clark nodded, pressing his tear stained face into the crook of papa's neck. Derek just rubbed his back, Stiles still holding Clark's hands. Cadi put a hand on her twin's knee, trying to offer physical comfort. Clark mumbled something, but it was muffled as his face was still buried in Derek's chest.

Stiles and Derek shared a look, their hearts expanding. Clark used to do that a lot when he was younger whenever he was upset. They would have to coax him away from his papa, just so they could hear what he was saying.

"What was that, kiddo?"

Luckily that's all the goading it took, it used to take forever. Clark barely pulled back, his head still resting on Derek's chest.

"I love you guys."

Derek smiled, pulling Cadi into his lap so she was closer to her sibling. Stiles and Derek held both of them close, the two of them smushed in-between the couple.

"And we love you, baby."

They stayed like that for a bit longer, enjoying each other's company, and Clark recovering from his emotion explosion. It was Cadi who broke the silence.

"Does this mean you're going to start stealing my clothes again?"

They all broke out laughing, her question breaking the heavy mood that had formed in the room. Ya, this wouldn't change anything. They were both still their kids.

****

Clark's transition was easy enough. She decided to keep going by Clark, simply stating to fuck gender norms and the separation of names by gender. Plus she wanted to keep the name that her big sister, Miranda, had chosen for her.

Stiles and Derek prepared themselves for the worst when it came to Clark's public transition. They did their research, had read enough, knew enough that they weren't expecting things to be easy. Surprisingly, they really didn't have any troubles. The kids accepted it easily enough, the parents didn't cause any trouble, the school was great at cooperating with them. If anybody had any problems, they had kept it to themselves. Even werewolf hearing hadn't picked up on any snide comments. Things were going well.

Stiles and Derek sat down and talked with Clark about what she wanted to do moving forward. She decided she wanted to start hormones, so they got her set up on the right track to do so. Doctors visits, appointed psych evals, multiple conversations about what Clark wanted and making sure she was aware of everything that would and could happen. It was a long process, but one Clark wanted, so they made it happen for her.

Miranda just shrugged, saying it didn't change the fact that Clark was an annoying little twerp. Clark had tackled her, Randa complaining about her skirt getting dirty. She ranted about having to teach Clark manners, and how to be lady like. Clark just playfully snarled, nuzzling her forehead against Randa's cheek. Miranda huffed, pushing her off, but she reeked of fondness.

Clark hadn't wanted to tell Toby over the phone, but the college student was planning a trip home in a couple weeks anyways. So she just told him she had a surprise for when he got home, and left it at that. He was shocked, but just pulled Clark into a hug, saying he was just adding another little sister to the hoard. Clark nuzzled into his shoulder, missing her brother's hugs more than she would admit.

Clark started hormones, her hair continuing to grow, and her sisters trying to convince her to let them take her shopping for a new wardrobe. But Clark was content how she was. Other than her pronouns, and some physical attributes, she was just the same old Clark. She spent way too much time in the kitchen, watched every game that her grandpa wanted to watch with as much enthusiasm as she had when she was five, and continued to talk too much and get into way too much trouble.

Things were good. Stiles didn't want to say he was waiting for a shoe to drop, but things were almost too good. He wanted to remain hopeful, so he pushed those thoughts out of his head. Things were good, and he would go through hell and high water to ensure they stayed that way. His little girl deserved for things to stay good, so they would. Whether the universe had that in the plans for them or not. Stiles has never really been one to listen to the universe anyways.

Part 15 - coming soon

[parasocialpod]

Buzz Feed, LMFT: Our New Marriage Counselor - Transcript

Follow along with the episode here if you’d like to!

Alex: If you haven't heard about Anchor, it's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. It's free, there's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer, and Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many more. You can even make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership. It's everything that you need to make a podcast in one place. So download the free Anchor app, or go to anchor.fm to get started.  

[Intro music]

Alex: Hi, I'm Alex.

Nick: And I'm Nick.

Alex: And this is Ice Cream Parasocial, the podcast that talks about as many different topics as there are flavors of ice cream.

Nick: Hell yeah. Uh, so a couple of quick updates: We're now on Apple podcasts! So if you've liked the show so far, please go over there if you have the ability to, go over there give us a five star rating. If you hated it give us a one star rating, I guess. Let us know what we're doing awful. [laughs]

Alex: If you hated it, then give us a five star rating and tell us what we're doing awful.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: Um, it's reverse psychology. It really... [laughs] it-it'll still work out really well.

Nick: Right, um, and just because there was a little bit of confusion when we did post that we were finally on Apple podcasts; We are also on Anchor, Spotify, Breaker, Google Podcasts, Overcast, Pocket Casts, Radio Public, and we'll soon be on Stitcher. I'm still waiting on them to get back to me about having us on there but I've submitted all of the info.  

Alex: And we also have um, transcripts up on Tumblr.

Nick: Oh yeah! That's right! You made a Tumblr, I forgot about that.

Alex: Yeah, so like check out any and all of those things that you would like. Uh... what if we just started doing the thing like, um, like Justin Bieber did promoting "Yummy"?

Nick: [Snorts, then cackles]

Alex: [Laughing] Just like, give us a five star rating on Apple Podcasts! Um, also download a VPN. [Laughs] Get us to the top of the charts. If you live in another country download a VPN and set it to the United States. Put us on repeat while you sleep. [Laughs]

Nick: Yeah. So, if you could just make a couple of different accounts on Spotify?

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: You know, change your gender every single time, make it make sure that it seems like it's a totally different person and just totally fuck up our analytics. But it's fine.

Alex: Yeah, we appeal to everyone.

Nick: We appeal to everyone. Um... [laughs] [diabolically] Yummy!

Both: [Laughs]

Nick: Um... but, yeah we've been getting really, really good feedback so far. I'm so amazed that anybody is listening to this, and that anybody actually enjoys it.

Alex: Yeah, God, me too.

Nick: And I'm really amazed that people are saying the things that I wanted them to say, too.

Alex: Yeah. Honestly.

Nick: You know? 'Cause what I really wanted this to be was as if we were just kind of hanging out with people, y'know? I really wanted it to be that it was like we were just friends hanging out at somebody's house and just kind of like, talkin', and that's literally the feedback that I've gotten back is just like... "Oh yeah I listened to your podcast! It was so cool! It felt like you guys are just there chattin'," and I'm like, "Oh, yes!"

Alex: I know!

That made me so happy! And also I uh, in my most recent therapy session, I told my therapist about the podcast [laughs] and he really liked the name, and that bought me a lot of-- that was just like, a nice hit of dopamine, you know? [laughs]

Nick: I know, now every time that I hear somebody even say the word parasocial I'm like "That's my word!"

Alex: That's the word!

Nick: [laughs] Um, but yeah,,  episode sounds different-- hopefully it sounds better I put a lot of work into this, but, for the first couple of episodes we were in the closet and--

Alex: [laughs] For the first couple of episodes we were straight.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh it's actually kind of fitting that we came out of the closet for this episode.

Right?

[laughing]

Nick: But yeah we've been sitting in the closet and Alex and I both have issues with heat and it was so hot. So, you may have noticed towards the end of the last couple of episodes where it just kind of started to fall apart, that was because we were starting to die of heat stroke. But now we're out in the living room. Um, hopefully there's not too too much noise. We live on our really busy street and it's a really straight street that people love to go drag racing on.

Alex: Yeah, when we first moved in, we would like make jokes about that and just be like "Ah, people are drag racing again!" And then I downloaded Nextdoor and it turns out that it's like a literal documented like legal issue.-- [laughs]

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: It was people like illegal street racing on our street. Which is hilarious, by the way, because I um I telecommute and I have a job that is traditionally downtown. None of my coworkers downtown have the audio issues that I do, and we live in like the suburbs.

Nick: Right.

Alex: But it's a delight.

Nick: Yeah. I just heard someone go by on the other street and it's just...

Alex: It's fine.

Nick: Like, I think we should probably, if somebody goes by, keep in one for this episode just so that you can like... understand.

Alex: So you know what we go through.

Nick: But also since we're out in the living room and not holded up in the closet, we've got all of our pets with us!

Alex: Yes!

Nick: And so, you might hear us yell at one of them or--

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh god.

Nick: Or you might hear somebody making some noise. We'll try to keep it out, but, you know. Um, I guess just so that you know who they are, if we say one of their names; we've got-- we've got four. We've got two dogs and two cats. The dogs are Winston and Roxie. Winston is a rough Collie and he's four years old now. Um, and he's the baby. Roxie is 10 and she's a beagle terrier mix--

Alex: And she is a, I dunno, like a 52 year old woman on the inside, perhaps?

Nick: Yeah. She's, she's a cranky old lady.

Alex: Yeah. Like I have a secret theory-- or not a secret theory. I have a theory that she was like body swapped.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: Like she is in like a Disney movie or something and she was like a professional woman, or something. Except you ended up finding her and adopting her, and now she lives in Oregon and she can't get back home to her family, and she just said fuck it. Because she went--

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: She underwent like no character change like she was supposed to. Like her "Freaky Friday" did not work. [laughs]

Nick: That's... very accurate.

Um, and then the cats we've got Rupert who is... 17?

Alex: Damn near. Yeah, he's turning 17 this October.

Nick: Okay. Yeah, he was 13 for like three years. And then I finally pointed out to Alex that he had been 13 for a couple of years, so now I just don't know how old he is.

Alex: Yeah... yeah I had to pretty much look it up because he was named after like a "Survivor" contestant. So I had to like find out how old he was by looking up the "Survivor" contestant and like the season of "Survivor" that that person was on,

Nick: [laughing]

Alex: which was 2003, so. [laughs]

Nick: And then finally, we have Ony, who is also 10? 10 to 12.

Alex: [laughs] She's like um, she's like uh... KO from "O.K. KO"

Nick: [unintelligible]

Alex: [laughing] She's-- She's-- 5 to 11.

Nick: Yeah... she's an enigma. She's sleeping on the table here, and if we try to get her to get off she immediately jumps back up, so she's just here. If you hear snoring, it's her.

Alex: It's fine.

Nick: Well, if you hear snoring it's her or Roxie.

Alex: Or Winston.

Nick: Yeah, but Roxie snores like an old man.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: She could be in a different apartment and you'd still hear [mimics loud snoring]

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh lord.

Nick: So those are our pets! If you hear us talking about them that's who they are. Um, hopefully they don't make too too much noise but also hopefully they do come and visit, because [chuckles]

Alex: Yeah, they're pretty cute!

Nick: I want them to come say hi. Um. But yeah, hopefully this episode sounds good because I really don't want to go back in the closet. [laughs]

Alex: Right. Out and proud, baby!

Nick: Says every queer person ever: [whining] "I don't wanna go back!"

Alex: Yeah, it's way more comfortable in the living room. I get to sit on the couch.

Nick: Right. I get to sit not on the floor. I think the floor was really fucking up my back like extra bad. But anyways, um, into what this episode actually is--

Alex: Yes!

Nick: Um...

Alex: So speaking of being out of the closet: Nick and I are married!

Nick: We are.

Alex: Surprise! [laughs]

Nick: Right. Uh, contrary to popular belief we are not brothers.

Alex: [groans]

Nick: Um, I really debated ever saying that in the podcast because I know in the future it's going to come back and bite me in the ass, but--

Alex: I know. Like please, if we ever become popular by any sort of like-- I am begging you, like this is like not a bit, like jokes leave the room.

Nick: Right.

Alex: [laughing] Please do not make that a meme.

Nick: Right. Please do not make it a meme that we're brothers. We're not. I hate it so much. [laughs]

Alex: I got contact lenses because people kept thinking we were related. Dude, I love wearing glasses, I hate contacts so much. And I got contact lenses when we lived in Indiana because people kept thinking we were brothers.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: That was like the only thing that stopped it.

Nick: Yeah! I don't know why!

Alex: It was fucked.

Nick: I'm just like... what, two white guys that are both five foot four and a little chubby can't also wear glasses and not be brothers? [laughs]

Alex: Right! Literally, it's like they just abhorred the thought of somebody being gay so much that their brain is just like "Oh God, Um, are you r-related?"

Nick: Yeah to the point that... um, I was with you for a doctor's appointment, and this lady in the elevator with us says nothing to us until she goes: "I've got twins at home!" And when I tell you I was confused--

[softly] Winston...

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Now's not the time. [laughs]

He's literally looking at me like "What do you mean now is not the time to dig at the carpet? What the hell?"

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Um but yeah so this lady looks at us as just like "I've got twins at a home!" And we both looked at her like "Oh that's nice. That's cool?"

Alex: "Good for you?"

Nick: I think that you, I think that you straight up were just like "Oh that-- that's cool. That's cool. Nice."

Alex: "Neat."

Nick: And then she looked at us and she was like "Oh! Are you, are you not twins?!" And we were just like [quietly] "Oh my fucking God."

Alex: [groans]

Nick: "A- brothers?" And we're like "No ma'am."

Alex: No ma'am.

Nick: And as she gets out of the elevator I'm like "We're married."

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: And she turned so red that she almost turned purple. I like, when I think about it I get mad because I'm like who goes up to people and like just fully assumes that they're twins to the point that like you don't even ask if they are?

Alex: Right! That you're just like "I've got twins at home!"

Nick: Right, but then like seeing her turn that dark dark red I'm just like I embarrassed her enough that I can't be mad about it, but also like are you kidding me right now?

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: But I think that now that I've got long hair and you've got short hair and... like,

Alex: We have very different fashion styles.

Nick: And we're-- I think that our fashion styles were starting to kind of become the same around that time, too. But now I'm kind of um edging back into a new goth phase, and you're like edging a lot more into like a kind of colorful more femme-y phase, people are like "Oh yeah no they're gay, I can tell."

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh, thank God. Like we're like every Tumblr post from like 2012 or whatever that was like,

Nick: Right!

Alex: I don't know like a like a probably haunted like black painted house next to like a pastel house

Nick: [laughing] Right?

Alex: And it's like get me a relationship like this! Like...

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Anyways! [ laughs]

Alex: Anyway!

Nick: That went off on a tangent and a half.

Alex: So our marriage [laughs]

Nick: So our marriage! Uh we're coming up on our two year anniversary. When this comes out, it'll be the day of or the day after, we're not totally sure.  Um... but, we're coming up on our two year wedding anniversary and our five year dating anniversary. So I think it's about time to find out if we're actually a good couple or not!

Alex: Right, And who better to ask than Buzzfeed and astrology.

Nick: Mhmm!

Alex: [laughs] Okay, just before we get canceled by the astrology crowd I am not knocking astrology, and I love it!

Nick: Oh yeah, absolutely. It's definitely one of those things that I make fun of because I love it so much, you know? Where it's just like that's how I show my love is that I make fun of things.

Alex: Yeah, just ask me.

Nick: Like I... [chuckles] That's just how it is, you know? Uh, I mean, now don't take that-- If I make fun of somebody that's like doing terrible things I'm not making fun of them because I love them I'm making fun of them because they're an asshole.

Alex: Oh yeah!

Nick: Um...

Alex: You can tell the difference.

Nick: You can, absolutely But for the most part I tend to make fun of things that I genuinely do love and I really do love astrology and tarot and all of that stuff I think that it's really neat. And I think that it is... it is something that I have gone to for guidance, being somebody that isn't um, strictly any kind of religious um... and it's definitely helped me get through some stuff. And so I feel like I have a right to make fun of it. [laughs]

Alex: Oh yeah, absolutely. Absolutely! Same here.

Nick: As someone that has spent hours and hours and hours reading things about it, very seriously. [laughs]

Alex: Yeah! Oh yeah, me too. As somebody that has definitely more than once called to you from the other room and been like "Fucking Astro Matrix has got me again! Who is spying on me at Astro Matrix?"

Nick: [whining] "The cards called me out!"

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: "God, can you believe that-- what this card just fucking said to me?"

Alex: [whining] "Baaaabe, God..."

Nick: Yeah, so our... our first quiz is uh gonna make or break our relationship. It's called "We know if you've cheated in your relationship based on how much you like these nail designs."

Alex: Alright, I am shaking.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: 'Cause like personally, I know that I haven't. But apparently Buzzfeed knows more about me than I do, so like if I sleep walked or something...

Nick: [laughing] If you sleep cheated?

Alex: [laughing] If I sleep cheated or something, I'm going to find out!

Nick: I mean, let's be real, I'm a lot more likely to have sleep cheated.

Alex: Oh yeah, that's true. You do a lot of shit in your sleep.

Nick: I am so amazed that I haven't woken up outside before.

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: Because I will be in bed and wake up in the kitchen. And like... I-I-It's genuinely kind of scary sometimes where I'm just like-- I'll wake up not only in the kitchen, but halfway through a sandwich.

Alex: Yeah, like I can have a whole conversation with you sometimes.

Nick: Yeah! Like I'll walk out of the bedroom and you'll still be awake doing something, and you'll just be like "Hey hon. What's going on?" And I'll say something. And then the next morning you'll be like "Oh yeah like we talked about that thing last night!" I'm like "No we fucking did not!"

Alex: [chuckling] You did not talk to ME about it.

Nick: Right!

Alex: You talked to whatever entity occupies my body after I fall asleep, but...

Nick: Right! I'm just like I know that I have bad memory, but it's not that bad. And we did not speak last night, I passed out at this time and then I was done. You're just like "N-n-no, you woke up at 2:00 AM and started talking jibberish." And I'm like "No I didn't."

Alex: "You started speaking in tongues, and I--"

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Um... but yeah. So I am a lot more likely if-- if sleep cheating's a thing I probably have done it. And I guess Buzzfeed is about to tell me if I've sleep cheated.

Alex: All right, let's find out.

Nick: [chuckles] So, what it says: "Our rules are simple. Use the sliding scale to rate each nail look. Thumbs down emoji means you really dislike the design, shrugging emoji means you neither hate it or love it, and 2 fire emojis mean that you absolutely love it."

Alex: All right!

Nick: Um... so the very, very first one is short, square nails that are painted like an off white?

Alex: Yeah, kind of like a matte.

Nick: Yeah, like a matte off white. I like them.

Alex: I'm... kind of into them, I-- Hmm, I don't know. I wouldn't really use them for myself so I'm going to put like a little bit-- I don't know I'm going to say maybe like 45%.

Nick: [chuckles] Okay. Nails... Nail set number 2! Is another short kind of boxy cut and they've got what is it like Chevron? Chevron, yeah?

Alex: Yeah, I'd say that that's like Chevron.

Nick: Okay, cool. So yeah, so it's like a Chevron pattern and there's a turquoise triangle and then like a purple-y one and then a pink one. And then the index and pinky fingers are both gold with sparkles on top of the turquoise triangle. [quietly] I don't like it.

Alex: I really like these.

Nick: [snorts] I can tell that a lot of work went into them, so I appreciate them, but I don't like them.

Alex: Yeah this was absolutely a look that I would very much wear. I'm going to say like full like 90%, I like them a lot.

Nick: Yeah I'm at like 40%, I think. 'Cause I appreciate the hard work that went into it. Like it's very well done,

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: But I just don't like the colors.

Alex: That is totally fair.

Alright, number three: We've got kind of like lengthier nails with kind of like an oval tip, perhaps?  Um that's kinda like a French manicure, maybe?

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Um... where the bottom is kind of like a natural, like the nail, nail is kinda like a natural kind of pinky color. And then the like manicure tip is um kind of like an oceanic sort of vibe um kind of like almost a shell pattern? It's pictured next to some shells and it's like blue and purple.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: I don't really like these very much.

Nick: Yeah, this is another one where I'm like I can tell that a lot of work went into this but I just don't like it. But I like it better than the last ones.

Alex: That's so funny. Yeah I am going to go for like 20% because I feel like a lot of work went into them but I--I don't know.

Nick: I just do not vibe.

Alex: I just do not vibe with these very much. This does not pass the vibe check.

Nick: Yeah, I'm like a little bit over halfway with it. I'm just like, I... I can see why somebody would like them, but I don't.

Alex: That's fair!

Nick: Uh, the next one is that Stiletto? Stiletto nail? Th--The sharp-y one?

Alex: Yeah I'd say--

Nick: The sharp-y one. [chuckles] Um and it's that same kind of French tip thing where there's a natural on the nail, and then... the-- it's honestly a lot like the last one,

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: But it's a little bit more of a turquoise blue and it's a stiletto nail.

Alex: Yeah... I don't know what's so different about this one that it's like doing it for me?

Nick: Right, I like this one a lot more.

Alex: I'm gonna go like 75%, I liked this guy.

Nick: Yeah, I'm about the same.

Alex: [quietly] Ooh, I like these motherfuckers!

Nick: Oh, the next ones?

Alex: Yeah It's kinda like a um, sorta like a grass pattern. It's like a kind of like a matte white base with various colors of green stripes painted over them, sort of like a grass texture.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: I really like these shits. I'm going to go like fully 90%. I would rock these.

Nick: Yeah, they're... it--It's really frustrating because up close I really, really like it, but I can definitely see it being a little bit further away and looking God awful.

Alex: Oh that's a good point

Nick: So I'm at like 75%.

Alex: That's a good point. Yeah, I'm going to knock it down too. 'Cause I feel like now that I think about holding them like, at arm's length I'm like Oh that might look not... fabulous.

Nick: Right... [chuckles] hashtag not fab!

Alex: Hashtag not fab.

Nick: What if we just... What if we started just a nail podcast--

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: where we just described nails and we just either "These are hashtag fab" or "These are hashtag not fab"

Alex: [laughs] A nail podcast except we never actually learn any of the like technical terms. And it's like exactly this level of skill.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: It's just like "I don't know It's like a nail, and it's kind of square on the end."

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: "Uh..."

Nick: Just "Ah, this--these ones are like they're like long but they're not too long... um, and they're like.... [sighs] you know?"

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: "I'm going to say that they're hashtag not fab. Next!" [laughs]

Alex: "Next!"

That's so funny.

Nick: Uh, so the real next one is a squared off long nail and it's orange and it has black and white speckles towards the base of the nail except for the pinky nail where it goes all the way up. I feel like they'd be cool for Halloween?

Alex: Yeah...

Nick: But nothing else.

Alex: Yeah... 'cause I feel like I like it for this specific shot. But then I think about having them and it gives me a little panic attack thinking about doing anything practical.

Nick: Yeah, they're just beyond that length of practicality.

Alex: Yeah. Where it's like I'm not one of those people that's like I would never wear anything that's like impractical but it's like they're not cute enough for me to [chuckles] to commit to that. So I'm going to go like full middle, I think.

Nick: Yeah, I'm a little bit below the middle.

Alex: This next look is just straight up gold nails, and I do this look a lot. So I'm going to go like full a hundred percent 'cause that'd be a hypocrite if I didn't. [laughs]

Nick: Yeah. I'm at like 90 I, I think that they're really classic but they're also very shiny.

Alex: They're very shiny.

Nick: I feel like... so the way that this picture is taken is the person is holding gold tinsel, and it's just a lot of gold like that. So I feel like seeing it with the outfit that the person was wearing might make it-- might make me feel a little better? It also just the way that that it's painted looks like these nails got photo-shopped on--

Alex: Yeah it kinda does!

Nick: Which also makes me feel like... or like they did um face tuning to their nails 'cause there's no wrinkles.

Alex: [laughing] Oh God. Yeah, you've got a good-- ugh.

Nick: [quickly] Moving on! Uh,

Alex: [disgusted] Oh, mm... mm-mm.

Nick: Okay These next ones are elaborate

Alex: These are fucking rad! And 100%. I love it. You don't have I mentioned the thing where I'm just like I won't ever necessarily be like "Oh yeah these are impractical, so I wouldn't do it. And it has to be like cool as hell for me to commit to that." This is-- this is that. 'Cause it's like um it's kind of almost like frosted glass cause it's not quite matte and not quite glossy but it's sort of like...

Nick: The base is white, and there's like a yellow half circle at the base of the fingernail, And then it's got that-- It's a short stiletto cut.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Um, and th-the tip of it is blue it's another, it's another turquoise one. And then there's a bunch of rhinestones in the middle with a bunch of little decorations on them.

Alex: Kind of like a clockwork-y sort of design kind of like a clockwork sort of gemstone...

Nick: Yeah!

Alex: Sorta look.

Nick: And this one's clearly like very intricate, and I very much appreciate it.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: So I'm also going with like 100%. This is awesome.

Alex: Dope.

Nick: I'm really mad at how serious we're being about this. Just like "Oh no no no listen."

Alex: I know! Like I kind of forgot about like what the quiz was about...

Nick: [laughing] I know!

Alex: Now I'm just like in it I'm like "Oh fuck yeah"

Nick: Just "Mm yeah, these nails are not fab."

Alex: These nails? Not fab.  

Nick: THESE nails? Hashtag fab.

Alex: Hashtag fab!

Nick: [chuckles] Um, the next ones... they have a lot going on.  

I don't like them.

Alex: I would like them if the... okay. So, it's kind of like a... the base, base of most of the nails are kind of like a baby pink. Um, and there's like a gold accent across the pinky middle and index finger with like the kind of is like a gold ring almost.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Um and like a light like kind of almost muddy baby blue on the tip of the index and pinky finger. The middle finger is the same baby pink, and then the um ring and thumb are just sort of like a cacophony.

Nick: Yeah! They kind of look like--

Alex: It's like a grandma's couch.

Nick: Yeah! Like a really old like not Rattan couch, but like... woven couch?

Alex: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Nick: It looks like an old grandma couch on the thumb and the ring finger. Almost every single finger has a different pattern slash color on it, and it's just-- it's a lot.

Alex: Yeah... like I feel like there's something that's just like oddly stressful to me about this. And it's like, if every finger had a different texture, I would like it. If every finger like had the same texture, I would like it. But since it's so different in every aspect like even in the aspect of them all not being different like I'm like "Oh, I hate this. I hate this so much."

Nick: But it's frustrating because I can tell a lot of work went into it, but I hate it. So it just doesn't matter, because I hate it.

Alex: Yeah, same.

Nick: Um, the next one is short square cut nails um with a white background and painted on top on the middle finger is a little flamingo, and on the ring and pointer finger are some leaves and then the thumb and pinky are just plain white.

Alex: These are cute!

Nick: Yeah! I really like these. Like, it's another one where like from further away I can see them getting really muddied and kind of awkward looking. But these are nails that are very, very clearly not meant to be looked at from far away, because they're so detailed and so um, tiny.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: So, I still love them. This is so cool.

Alex: Yeah! I'm going with like an 85% 'cause like I definitely agree... No I'm going with like 90%.

Nick: Yeah I went with like 90, too.

Alex: Cause I feel like unlike the other ones um, which I feel like would kind of get muddy from a distance, these ones if you were like at a distance you could see that they were like something.

Nick: Right.

Alex: Whereas the other ones I might be like " Oh did you draw on yourself a little bit?"

Nick: [chuckles] "Oh what happened there, buddy?"

Alex: Yeah... Aww, these are kind of cute!

Nick: Oh, I think these  are really cute!

Alex: These are pretty cute, yeah.

Nick: Uh, so it's a clear base and each nail has a different part of a pink flower on it, with a little bit of green leaves. And it looks like the middle and ring fingers have the same picture but like cut in half, and then the other fingers have little buds of the flower on them...

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: And if this was hand painted then like I'm going to lose my mind, that's so cool. So I'm going to pretend that it's hand painted, because I don't want to break my own heart.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: So I'm giving it like 100%. It's two full flames.

Alex: I don't know, I just don't really like the clear bases very much.

Nick: That's, that's very fair. I understand that.

Alex: Oh yeah, I don't like this next one.

Nick: Which is so funny, because I kind of do.

Alex: I wonder which one of us cheated. [laughs]

Nick: Right! So the next one is um a pretty matte c-- almost clear base. It's one of those where it's not quite clear but it's meant to look clear. Um... and they're short nails and they have black french tips, and then on the middle and pinky finger-- this is the part that I don't like, at the very base there's like a half circle filled in with black. And that kind of just like it's like you got a bruised finger.

Alex: Yeah, that looks like you have an infection.  

Nick: I think that without those, I would like it a lot more.

Alex: Me too.

Nick: But because it has those

I'm going a little bit below the middle.

Alex: I'm like full thumbs down I hate that.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: It makes me so uncomfortable.

Nick: That is understandable. The next one is sparkly silver. They're kind of they're, they're not super long but they're just little bit long.

Alex: These are very party city to me.

Nick: They are very party city. And this is another one where it looks like they photo-shopped her fingers to not have any wrinkles on them. [laughs]

Alex: Yeah! What is with the sparkle nails?

Nick: That, that one gets a thumbs down, I don't like that one.

Alex: Yeah, this gets a thumbs down from me.

Nick: That one makes me uncomfortable.

Alex: Yeah, and I don't-- Okay. Again, I don't have anything wrong with like cheap shit I got my gold nail polish for like $2, I think. But I just do not like this like aesthetic very much.

Nick: No...

Alex: I kinda like these next ones, kind of into them. Because it's sort of like a traditional set of like red nails where the... index finger and pinky finger are um, kind of inverse colored from one another. one of them is black background white polka dots, one of them is white background black polka dots.

Nick: Yeah, I really like this one because it's cohesive.

Alex: Yeah I like this a lot.

Nick: The other ones where there were different designs on different nails, weren't super cohesive. But I feel like having most of the nails be that, that classic cherry red and then having a couple of um... stand out nails that are black and white I--I think that that looks really nice so that one's getting like a hundred percent from me, I love it.

Alex: Yeah, me too. These next ones I'm... into, but I feel like these are the nails that are gonna mean I cheated.

Nick: [ snorts]

Alex: I don't know why, I just am getting that vibe.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, well, the thing is I don't like these nails.

Alex: Oh!

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Uh, so, they're square cut just a little bit longer than the fingertips and they're pink?

Alex: They're like super pink.  

Nick: And then they've got black tips.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: And then--

Alex: Kind of like a gold cuticle.

Nick: Yeah, like a gold cuticle. I don't like the cuticle.

Alex: That's fair.

Nick: That's the part that just loses me, is when it's just that like little half circle just above the cuticle.

Alex: That's fair. Yeah, like it loses a few points for me for that...

Nick: And so I'm at like 20% it's almost a thumbs down, but not quite.

Alex: That's fair I feel like if it were brighter I would like it more, but just like... it's just another thing where it looks a little infected. Uh so I'm gonna give it like 60%.

Um and then our very last one!

Nick: Oh yeah.

Alex: Home stretch! We've got a pink index nail, a purple pinky nail, and a marbled pink purple white and black and kind of like gray Uh middle finger and ring finger. I really like this, I think that's cute.

Nick: I'm pretty-- I'm straight up in the middle about it. I think it's fine. I don't hate it I don't love it, it just is.

Alex: That is fair. These kind of give me a lot of like 2012 vibes.

Nick: Yeah, I think that that's kind of why I'm like "Eh, it's fine" is 'cause it definitely gives me like almost 10 year old fashion vibes

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: Um... and I'm just like eh it's not really for today, but I've definitely seen people with those nails.

Alex: Yeah. These nails are like a C plus for me, y'know.

Nick: Yeah. Are we ready to find out who cheated?

Alex: Alright. Okay.

Nick: Three,

Alex: Two,

Both: One.

Alex: [ laughs]

Nick: What'd you get?

Alex: " You've absolutely cheated before."

Nick: [Cackles] You motherfucker!

Alex: " Wow! The truth has come out [chuckles]. Based on your nail choices, we can say with absolute certainty that you have been dipping your toe outside the relationship."

Nick: [Snorts, then laughs]

Alex: [Holding back laughter] "We won't even ask for the juicy details, but just know that we know. Now-- [laughs] now, you might as well share this with your significant other to find out if they're guilty as well. Don't worry. We're right here for you."  So, how about you?

Nick: I... am so fucking mad at you. How could you do this to me?

Alex: [Laughing] Oh no.

Nick: How could you do this to us? [Sighs dramatically] I... have not cheated.

Alex: [ Laughs]

Nick: Ph...physically. [Mumbles] I haven't physically cheated.

Alex: [ Snort-laughs]

Nick: But they say that I've probably cheated emotionally.

Alex: That's so specific! [Laughing]

Nick: Yeah, that's literally what it says. "You haven't physically cheated, but you've probably cheated emotionally. Alright, so you've never done super sneaky things in a relationship. But you're definitely far from being wholesome."

Alex: What?! [Wheezing]

Nick: "In fact-- [chuckles] In fact, to some people you've committed the ultimate crime, worse than physical cheating: emotional cheating. But maybe you're a changed person now, and you're acting right. Or maybe not *squints eyes*. I don't even know what to say, but now I know your secret."

Alex: Oh my God!

Nick: So I guess we've both at least a little bit cheated.

Alex: Apparently. So we're on even...ish?

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: Ground.

Nick: We're on even-ish ground, but we probably shouldn't be together.

Both: [ Laughing]

 Nick: Um, well... I guess since uh, since we're leaving each other, it's time to do the Buzzfeed quiz of "Tell Me How You Like to Brunch, and I'll Tell You the Type of Romantic Partner You Need" since we're going to be moving on from eachother now.

Alex: No, we're not moving on!

Nick: Oh, okay. Well--

Alex: We'll just-- this is how we know what, uh, we need to be like, so that we won't need to cheat on each other anymore.

Nick: Oh okay. This is who we need to become.

Alex: This is who we need to become [chuckles].

Nick: So that we can stay together?

Alex: So that we can stay together. Cause like, we're quarantining together. So like, we can't go anywhere.

Nick: I have a car.

Alex: Oh yeah, I guess you're right.

Nick: I don't have a job, but I have a car.

Alex: Yeah, that's a good point.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: So the first one: "Let's start easy. When are you going to brunch? Saturday, Sunday, both days, or during the week?"

Alex: During the week, are you kidding me?

Nick: Uh yeah same, I don't go anywhere on the weekend.

Alex: Fuck the weekend, dude.

Nick: I hate weekends. I hate how many people are out. Even before... everything went down with pandemic shit.

Alex: Oh, yeah.

Nick: I hated the weekends.

Alex: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And like... obvious, but like, this is outside of COVID times. We would not go to brunch at all during...

Nick: No.

Alex: Cause, if this was during COVID times, and this is brunch at home which is any time I feel like it.

Nick: Right. I think we're literally planning on having brunch for dinner tonight, so.

Alex: Literally.

Nick: It's all good.

Alex: Vegan French toast. Vegan challah French toast. Homemade challah. What's up.

Nick: That's right. I'm so excited.

Alex: I know, me too.

Nick: Okay, we need to get this done.

Alex: Yes.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Uh... "What time are you going to brunch? As soon as the restaurant opens, around 11:00 AM, around 1:00 PM, or around 3:00, that's still brunch, right?"

Alex: Um... I feel like we're either the type of people that we're like-- or I guess like we were doing this like, independently.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Yeah, I feel like I prefer like, as soon as the restaurant opens, again because people.

Nick: Right. I... I don't like waking up that early. So, I'm going to say 1:00, cause I feel like that's usually when people start to kinda stop being there, like it's right before lunch rush.

Alex: That is a good point.

Nick: So I'm going to go with that. "Are you getting anything to drink?"

Alex: Mmm.

Nick: "Mimosas, maybe an alcoholic drink, coffee, tea, et cetera, or 'I'll stick with water?'"

Alex: Coffee, tea, et cetera.

Nick: Uh, I'm going to stick with water. Water is great. That's how you can tell that you're a real adult, is when you choose water.

Alex: Water is great, but also, if they have like, a fancy coffee?

Nick: Oh yeah, I guess if they have a fancy coffee.

Alex: Yeah. If they have like a fancy coffee or like complimentary coffee.

Nick: Mmmmm.

Alex: Either end of the coffee scale.

Nick: Yeah, okay, I'm going to go with coffee, you got me.

Alex: [Chuckles]

Nick: Uh, "What are you ordering from the menu? Something very breakfast related like eggs, toast, granola, et cetera, something more hearty like steak, ham, et cetera, uh, something light like a salad, or honestly a combination of things".

Alex: Ah... I'm going to go very breakfast related, I think.

Nick: Yeah, I feel like every time that I have quote unquote brunch it's really just late breakfast.

Alex: Oh yeah, same.

Nick: And so it really confuses me when people do, uh, literally anything else. I'm like, it's breakfast!

Alex: Right?

Nick: Bitch!

Alex: I'm just like, why would you go to brunch and order lunch?

Nick: Right? Just go to lunch.

Alex: Right? Like, just go to lunch!

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: If you go to brunch and get a salad, I'm sorry, we cannot-- I guess we can be friends, like, eh, dietary habits are whatever, but just know that you are weak.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Uh, "Pick a food that speaks to your soul." Uh, there's a picture of... eggs on toast and... potatoes?

Alex: It looks like some mozzarella and like uh... some like fresh mozzarella... and like a...

Nick: I dunno, it's not that important.

Alex: Eh, it's some potatoes.

Nick: Um, and then there's an omelet, and then there's pancakes, and then there's one for the alcoholics: "none of these, bring me more drinks".

Alex: These pancakes...

Nick: Yeah, those pancakes look really good. And also... I'm vegan. [chuckles]

Alex: [ Snorts] Uh, yeah. I'm vegan...??

Nick: So the eggs... I don't-- well, I guess that there are vegan eggs.

Alex: Yeah. Like, you could imagine that they're vegan. Or like whatever the vegan equivalent might be.

Nick: Mmmm.

Alex: Like a tofu scramble, or something. Or not a tofu scramble, but like, you know.

Nick: Yeah. In that case, I'm going to go with the first one that's got potatoes and stuff, actually. I don't like having that much sugar.

Alex: Yeah, that's fair.

Nick: Um... "How sacred is brunch to you?" Uh, I don't care about any of these answers. That-- I don't give a shit. It's fine.

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: Brunch is cool. That's the answer that I...

Alex: Brunch is a great experience.

Nick: Brunch is cool. And that was the last one. And so I got: "you need someone who likes to laugh".

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: So I guess that is you.

Alex: We made it!

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: I got... "someone who communicates".

Nick: Mm. Alright, I do my best.

Alex: Yeah. You communicate!

Nick: [Chuckles]

Alex: Hell yeah. Alright!

Nick: And so I guess we're back on being like, alright, we're fine.

Alex: We're fine.

Nick: We've forgiven the cheating.

Alex: We've forgiven.

Nick: Because this other quiz says that we're right for each other.

Alex: Yeah. Exactly. And now it's going to guess our relationship status based on how we can complete words.

Both: [Snort-laughing]

Nick: Complete this word: "space A-L-L"

Alex: "Fall, ball, or call?" Ball! All day.

Nick: I'm saying fall. Um...

Alex: [Chucking]

Nick: Complete this word: "space A-N". I'm saying ba--... oh, they don't have "ban". Uh. Damn.

Alex: [Laughing] Your block-happy ass.

Nick: Yeah, my block happy ass.

Alex: Ban! Ahh.

Nick: I-- I keep seeing people on Twitter, like people that-- I'll go to block somebody, uh, that's just being a dick on Twitter not even to me but to somebody else, and I'm just like... "I don't want this person to interact with me in the future". And I'll go to their profile to block them, and in their bio there will be something that says "blocking's for pussies." And I'm like, all right, well... I guess I am!

Alex: Right! Exactly!

Nick: Bye! I'm just like I would so much rather not have to ever deal with you than, like. I'm just like... do you really think that it affects me, that you of all people are calling me a pussy?

Alex: Exactly!

Nick: [Laughs] Cause guess what? Now I don't have to hear you anymore. [Snorts]

Alex: For real! Like, now I don't have to hear what you have to say. That's cool. [Laughs] Now I don't have to hear what you have to say, and I know that Megan thee Stallion loves me. So.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Right.

Alex: Um... B-A: Bag, Bad, or Bat?

Both: Bat.

Alex: L space G:

Both: Leg.

Alex: [Chuckles] --Lag, or Log. Leg.

Nick: Space E-A-D.

Alex: Dead!

Nick: Dead!

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Space E-L-L.

Both: Hell.

Alex: Fight!

Nick: Fight! [Chuckles] This one--

Alex: Space "ight".

Nick: That one was space I-G-H-T. Fight!

Alex: [Laughs] Space O-G.

Nick: Dog.

Alex: Hog.

Nick: Oh I accidentally clicked on fog! No! Fuck! [Clicking noises] Alright. Well.

Alex: [Laughing] What did you get?

Nick: Not even interested in dating right now.

Alex: Same. Which I guess is technically true? [Laughing]

Nick: I... yeah. I'm not interested in dating. [Chuckles]

Alex: I'm not interested in dating. I am married.

Nick: Right? [laughs]

Alex: I am not dating! [laughs]

Nick: Like, those things aren't mutually exclusive, but I'm not interested in dating right now.

Alex: Right!

Nick: You think I want to go be, uh, within 20 feet of another human? Fuck no!

Alex: Right. Like, I'm good with being within 20 feet of you and that's all.

Nick: Yeah. But no closer.

Alex: Everyone else, do not interact in person.

Nick: [Chucking] Yeah.

Alex: You may interact otherwise, please, God.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Alright. And then the last Buzzfeed quiz that we've got is: "Which Zodiac Sign Are You Most Compatible With?"

Alex: Alright!

Nick: Um.

Alex: So, we're hoping for different answers on this one.

Nick: Yeah. We're hoping for different answers on this one. I am a Leo, but I'm technically on the Leo-Virgo cusp, so.

Alex: And you are very... if you look up Leo-Virgo cusp traits, it's all Nick.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Cause I know you're Leo-Virgo cusp sun, and then for whatever reason I remember your rising sign but not your moon sign.

Nick: [Snort-laughs]

Alex: So that's fucking weird. I think you're Libra rising, and then Scorpio... right. Er-- Scorpio rising. Libra moon. That's right.

Nick: I... I'm proud of you, because I don't know that shit.

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: Um. So the first  question: "Which trait do you find the least tolerable: jealousy, impatience, pessimism, laziness, sensitivity, or secrecy?"

Alex: The least tolerable...

Nick: Uh, for me it's secrecy. I hate secrets, I hate not being in the loop. It gives me so much anxiety.

Alex: That is fair! Um I would say like... ugh. That's hard. This is hard! Uh... jealousy? Maybe? Sure.

Nick: That's fair.

Alex: Yeah. "How do you deal-- er, how do you react when conflict arises: try to play peacemaker, become upset and anxious, choose a side and jump to their defense, play both sides, join the conflict, or remain neutral?"

Nick: Um... For me it depends on the conflict? But typically I do, I will become upset and anxious, I'm not going to lie.

Alex: [Chuckles] Literally, me too.

Nick: Yeah. Which is why we just... we don't get into conflicts, because it's just, it's not worth it. Cause we both just kind of "uh I don't know!"

Alex: Right? Like, that's why we communicate.

Nick: Right.

Alex: Both because it's healthy, and also because [chuckles] I hate conflict so much. [Laughs]

Nick: Right. Absolutely.

Alex: "What was your favorite school subject: Math, English, Art, P.E., History, or Science?"

Nick: Man, I don't remember. That was a long time ago. I know it wasn't P.E.--

Alex: [Chuckles] Right? Fuck.

Nick: --and I know it wasn't History. But all of the rest of them were about the same.

Alex: Um... I feel like I always started off really strong in English but then they'd get really disappointed in me for not turning shit in, cause they expect you to turn shit in, so probably Art.

Nick: Yeah, that's super fair.

Alex: Cause all of the rest of them kind of never started off very strong, necessarily? Except maybe History so I'll say Art. I usually did well in Art.

Nick: I'm gonna say Math because I-- until the higher levels that I started doing in like, junior and senior year of high school, I didn't have to try.

Alex: That's fair.

Nick: So, that was probably my favorite thing, cause I didn't even have to...

Alex: [Chuckles]

Nick: Um... "How do you show affection: physical contact, grand gestures, playful mocking--"

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: "--meaningful words, unspoken loyalty, or 'I hate showing affection'?" Mine is... I'm between playful mocking and unspoken loyalty.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Cause I've definitely been described as loyal, but also... I started this episode saying that when I love things I make fun of them.

Alex: Yeah, like, actively. [Laughs]

Nick: Yeah. I'm gonna go with playful mocking.

Alex: Yeah. I would say... man, I really wish that this was more of like a languages of love thing.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Cause grand gestures isn't the exact thing, but I feel like I like doing the uh... fuck. What's it called? It's like--

Both: Acts of service?

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: But I guess outside of that... like... I guess that would be like, the loyalty thing maybe? Or maybe... I guess, meaningful words is probably the next highest one that I would find on this list.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Cause I talk a lot. [Snorts] Talk a lot of shit.

Nick: [Laughs] "Which of these is most important in your day to day life: being organized, being creative, being liked, being right, being the center of attention, or being independent?" Hmm. For me, I would probably say being creative. I feel like that's the most important thing for me to be able to do.

Alex: Yeah Cause I'm in between creative and independent. I would say probably like, creative.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: "What is your favorite genre of film: comedy, horror, romance, musical, documentary, or thriller?"

Nick: Uh, mine's a comedy a hundred percent.

Alex: Oh yeah, that's fair.

Nick: Like, I also feel like I really love it when comedy bleeds into other ones?

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: Like, that's my favorite is like, comedy hybrids.

Alex: Oh yeah, same. Yeah, I think I'm going to go with comedy, because I feel like every other kind of genre of movie that I like has to have some element of comedy for me to like it? Because I feel like-- quick side tangent-- Um, I feel like that is the best way for me to end up actually like, having some sort of stake in your characters. 'Cause I'm the type of person that I really like like, art house shit too. And, you know, I really like horror and thrillers and everything. But I'm not going to care about your characters If I haven't laughed with them at all!

Nick: Right.

Alex: Like, that's why I really like like, dark comedies and stuff and like, art house comedies I guess, is just because it's just like, you know, you get like all the emotion and the shit behind it but also like.... the reason that you feel those things isn't just because you've seen this person go through tragedies for like two hours. It's because you care about them and you think that they're fun. [Chuckles]

Nick: Right. Because you've gotten that kind of laughter bonding with them, where it's just like you can watch somebody go through literal just hell for a couple of hours but... and feel bad for them. But you don't feel that same level of bad as you do if you were able to, y'know, laugh at some jokes that they made as well and really bond with them.

Alex: Oh yeah! Hello, BoJack Horseman.

Nick: Right.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Uh, what would you rather be doing on a Saturday? Partying, museum tour, hiking, catching up on sleep, shopping, or Netflix marathon? I'm most likely to be catching up on sleep... but I would rather have a Netflix marathon, I think. I'd rather watch some TV.

Alex: I know I'm such a fucking Oregon ass adult I hate this shit so much. 'Cause I saw that-- Well I guess we're talking about a Saturday.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Oh yeah, 'cause before I thought too hard about Saturday I was going to say museum tour or hiking. Um, I'm still gonna say hiking 'cause you can go somewhere remote to hike. But outside of that, I feel like my second thing would probably be like Netflix marathon. If it were-- if we're talking like a Wednesday though, it's definitely a museum tour. [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, absolutely.

Alex: Fuckin' love museums, dude.

Nick: Also I just for a second I got a big ad... oh it just came back! [laughs] It knew that I was thinking about it! But it's this big ad that takes up like a third of the screen and it's Mr. Beast,

Alex: Ah?

Nick: But it's a really really awful picture of Mr Beast, um that's like just like it's clearly just cut out of one of his videos, where they like went around in photoshop and cut out a screenshot of him. He's like halfway through speaking.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: And so his mouth is making a weird shape because he's saying a word and it's for Honey. And it was just like "Need a coupon? Mr. Beast fans save more!" And I'm like...

Alex: [quietly laughs]

Nick: Oh my God, are we really at a point where like... YouTubers are the face of things like that? And we're just using like a shitty JPEG?

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Just like "Hey you know Mr. Beast, right?" "Yeah." "He, he endorses us. Did you know that? Did you, did you know that... that is just is Mr. Beast enough for you to-- for you to finally download Honey?" Even though I have Honey downloaded right now.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: I'm like if they had a better picture of him, it wouldn't have like shocked me so much. But it's clearly like just a screen grab from one of his videos, and I'm like...

Alex: [laughing] It's like 140p, just like...

Nick: Yeah! I'm like did you ask him, if you could? 'Cause I feel like he could send you a better picture, guys.

Alex: We stole Mr. Beast's face, and--

Nick: Right! I'm like, does he know that you're doing this? [laughs]

Anyways...

Alex: Oh boy.

Nick: Uh... what could you spend hours talking about?

Alex: All.

Nick: The answers are TV and movies, conspiracy theories, real life gossip, my feelings, politics, and the meaning of life. Um, I'm going to go ahead and out myself and just say real life gossip. I--

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: I hate that I do it, but... it's just so easy to just talk shit, for so long. Even though I know that a lot of the people that I talk shit about, I'm not that much better than.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: [extremely close to the mic] However,

Alex: Listen...

Nick: it's so much fun. And like, I know that I need to stop. And one day I might, but for right now...

Alex: [chuckles] Let me live this moment.

Nick: Just being honest, I could spend hours gossiping about anything. [laughs]

Alex: That is absolutely fair. I feel like I am showing so much of my ADHD ass...

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: 'Cause I'm just like we would have a conversation that involves all six of these things that lasts two minutes. [laughs]

Nick: Right!

Alex: I guess out of these things the thing that I would probably easily spend the most time talking about, without getting burnt out too fast, would be... Also potentially gossip.

Nick: [snort laughs]

Alex: Because I started to say politics, but I feel like politics I burn out real fast, and then I have to switch to something else. But then I go back to it.

Nick: Yeah, especially today's politics that are just so like "I don't know how to explain to you that you should care about people."

Alex: Right!

Nick: Like that's all politics is right now. I'm not going to get into this on the podcast right now, but like I don't know how to explain to people that they just should care about other people. And that's all politics is right now It's just like I don't-- How do you not understand that you should care about other people? And you can only say that so many times before it's like you just feel like you've drilled a hole in your head. Just like... I just, that's all I can say. [frustrated laughter] You know?

Alex: Yeah... like it's one of those things where, as a quick side tangent; In my most recent therapy session, it was so funny because I was talking about like-- I had surgery recently, I'm good! Um, but I have like a weight restriction for like lifting things. And I was talking about how I'm like away from work right now because of that. And about how it's also been really nice, because I haven't been talking about as much like heavy shit because my job involves talking about a lot of heavy shit, and some of that is like politics and like current events related. Um, just because a lot of it is like staying in-the-know for work. Uh, and it was so funny because my therapist noted something about like having a weight restriction like where it's like I can't lift things that are more than 10 pounds and also [starts laughing] I can't talk about shit--

Both: That's too heavy.

Nick: That's really funny.

Alex: What is more like-- or what is likely to make you angry or upset? Uh... Not being in control, being teased, being late to an appointment, a sad movie, being physically injured, trying something and not succeeding?

Nick: The unfortunate thing about me, is that a lot of these would-- are likely to make me angry or upset.

Alex: Yeah...

Nick: Um, not being in control, being late to an appointment, and trying something and not succeeding are like definitely the top three for me. Just because it's--it... it's things that-- Being late to an appointment and not being in control tie in to each other because anytime that I am late it's not my fault. And therefore, I'm not in control of the thing. So I'm going to say not being in control, because also trying something and not succeeding feels like it's out of my control, even though it totally is.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: You know? Like it's one of those things where it's like you just need to keep trying, you will learn. And that's something that I've been really really proud of myself with this podcast is that... you know, I know that not all of the episodes are good, and I-- but I just keep doing it, and I'm like "Oh, well that was a learning experience" And I'm like yes, finally! Like I just had this breakthrough with the podcast.

Alex: Right! It's been-- it has been really nice to see.

Nick: Yeah... What about you? [chuckles]

Alex: It's so funny because like looking at this, um... a lot of these things wouldn't necessarily like "get to me" get to me. Uh, that isn't to say that things don't get to me because things get to me. But I feel like not being in control overarchingly really does. Um, because I feel like a lot of things with like trying and not succeeding and  being late to stuff I... kind of-- I blame restaurant work for this. I don't know what broke in me-- [laughs]

for the better, maybe, um... for this to happen. But I like developed this habit when like shit would go off of the rails where I'd like drop something or like something would happen and I'd just kinda go [clicks tongue] "Well." [laughs]

Like to the point that I've had-- I remember dropping like a full tray of water glasses at one point and just going "Oh, well..."

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: And like a customer that was nearby was like concerned--

Both: [laughing]

Alex: like for my like a mental health. And I think about that sometimes, like I forget exactly what she said but she was just like "Oh..." [laughs]

Nick: "Oh honey, are you okay?"

Alex: Like I think that she thought it was like one of those quiet snapping moments, but like gunuinely it was just like "All right. Well, that happened." [laughs] Um, but I think like not being in control really gets me, like especially longterm.

Nick: Right.

Alex: That stresses me out... Um, being teased used to really get me because I did not grow up with siblings. But then I feel like over the course of like us being together it's-- I've gotten a lot better at reading when it's like people being mean to me versus like...

Nick: Yeah...

Alex: You know, reading it as like "Oh this person likes you and is friends with you. And that's why--" [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, you've definitely gotten a lot better about that over the last couple of years.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Probably because I relentlessly mock you. [laughs]

Alex: [laughing] Yeah!

Nick: Uh, what do you value most: Laughter, challenge, faith, stability, success, or trust? Laughter.

Alex: Mhmm. Big same.

Nick: If I can't laugh, I just-- I don't care. [snort laughs]

Alex: I agree!

Nick: Finally, what is your Zodiac sign?

Alex: Saggitarius.

Nick: And I am a Leo.

Alex: What'd you get?

Nick: I got Virgo, which is not Sagittarius.

Alex: Damn. That is nowhere in my like chart.

Nick: No.

Alex: 'Cause I got Libra, but that's your moon sign so I'm counting it.

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Uh but so what it says about a Virgo being my ideal is: "They're reliable, organized, and a little bit anxious. They're great listeners and provide excellent advice. And even though they often seem cold on the outside, they can be a lot of fun. They're deep thinkers and together you'll engage in interesting conversations and provide each other stability and calmness." Which still feels...

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: A lot like you?

Alex: [laughing] I know!

Nick: There's definitely like... I don't-- you're not organized, and you're pretty reliable and you don't really seem that cold on that outside... That's a lot more me  which is funny because I'm on the Virgo cusp.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Um ... But it still is like, you're a deep thinker, and we do engage in interesting conversations, which is why we have a podcast. Um, and you're a great listener and you do provide excellent advice. And so it's like a lot of that stuff is you, but it says we shouldn't be together, so...

Alex: [laughs] We're like 25% for... 'cause like for you... or for me I guess, it says uh "Libras are artistic, graceful, hopeless romantics. They'll probably want to sit around and gossip and explore their creative side. They're great listeners, really fun, provide balance and insight for any lost souls." Which honestly is a lot of things that I really like about our relationship too. So I'm just like...

Nick: Well, Buzzfeed says that I need to leave you because you've cheated on me--

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: and you're not a Virgo.

Alex: My worst crime, arguably.

Nick: Your worst crime is not being a fucking Virgo. And... uh, I don't remember what the brunch one said.  

Alex: Brunch said we were fine.

Nick: Brunch said that we were fine, but you did cheat on me and-- [snort laughs]

Alex: And I'm not a Virgo.

Nick: And you're not a Virgo, so... I guess I kinda need to leave... or you need to like step your shit up. Change your birthday and become a Virgo.

Alex: [laughs] I will. Let me, let me go to the courthouse, it'll be okay.

Both: [laughing]

Alrighty. So, this has been Ice Cream Parasocial. We'll see you next time! Nick: Um, don't forget if you have the ability to go rate us on Apple podcasts and uh... that's all, for this one.

Alex: That's all! Um Buzzfeed if you have a intern that I can bribe to write a quiz that will save my marriage--

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Uh, we love you.

Alex: We love you. We-

Nick: See ya next time.

Alex: Yeah, hope it wasn't too loud so we can stay out of the closet.

Nick: This is a queer friendly podcast. Please don't make us go back in the closet.

Alex: [laughing] Anyway...

Nick: Bye!

Alex: Bye!