#terribly close to a milestone but i still feel 11 sometimes

[odetoaneater]

eating eggs and think abt life...

[tundrainafrica]

Title: Lovebug (14/14)

Summary:

“It might be a bug.”

“A bug?”

“Sometimes the developers of this application make mistakes. This is our first time meeting I’m sure so…Isn’t it a bit weird that we just met for the first time and it rings like this? And for two strangers to coincidentally ring each other’s alarms?“

Levi is the developer of the Love Alarm App and Hange is married to Zeke.

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

Notes: I know I usually post on Wednesdays but I'll be on the road on Wednesday and if I don't get this out soon, I'll probably end up dropping it next week or smthg so here it is. Two days early. I hope you enjoy :D

Is this all that there is to life? A glaring question that came unexpectedly, in between reading through codes for his nth freelance project the past few years.

In response, Levi closed his eyes, sat back and reflected. A part of him may have been asking that question for a while and slowly, Levi started to understand why he was asked that in the first place.

A few minutes ago, he had been strangely happy to see his code compiling at the first try. And just a few hours ago, he had been enthusiastic at running a debugger through a code and finding a few typos to fix.

Happiness. That was happiness right?

That part of him continued to nag. It soured that 'happiness,' leaving a burning dissatisfaction inside him. You’ve experienced better moments, happier moments.

Then Levi got fed up. He reached into the back of his mind, he remembered, then something stopped him from reminiscing for a while longer.

Something strange. Something buried.

He hadn’t allowed himself to feel much since he first moved into that new city. He had allowed the novelty and the business to carry him through his first months. But the novelty of a new beginning never lasted long.

Too shaken to even bother applying for a new job, Levi opted to work freelance. Consequently, his only companions were the four walls of his studio apartment and the occasional voices from next door.

There was only so much which could stimulate interest. His mind continued to search for them and naturally, time continued to move along with it. Routine and episodes of ennui seemed to last infinities in the moment. But in retrospect, it felt like they all happened too fast.

He had made sense of time in milestones, milestones worth ten times the refreshing feeling of running a debugger through code or the fleeting euphoria of compiling codes at the first try.

Is that all that there is to life? Eventually, he made sense of that strange voice. There was reason to that question.

That day was another milestone. If it wasn't for his nagging mind, he could have missed it.

It was a blustery autumn day in late October, the weather similar to the last view he had of his home five years ago. Shifting his gaze from the window of his present apartment, he took a quick look at the calendar and it was like a dam had ended up spilling open inside him.

The five year mark was a bittersweet milestone, five years since he left home. The fifth year rang more loudly than every year before that. Maybe because five was such a perfect number, or perhaps because he had been keeping something in for a while.

He felt a release. Then a reprieve from the monotony, a reprieve from the five years avoiding his old life. Levi found himself opening his browser tab, typing the words ‘love alarm’ on the search box and deleting it a second later.

An aimless and useless sequence of movements. He didn’t need a quick google search to know how it was doing.

The love alarm had become a household name even all the way in his side of the world. With his very human need to go out, whether it be for groceries, shopping or just some fresh air, Levi couldn’t completely ignore it. With the right decisions, Levi could choose not to give so much as a side glance at the people walking, heads bent down, staring at the number of hearts on their application.

When he went out though, even with his music at full blast, he would hear the familiar alarm as he walked through crowds.

At first, it had left a pang in his chest, a brief bout of nausea, perhaps disgust or embarrassment at his old life.

It had been five years since he first arrived though and it turned out, time did heal.

Levi looked through the wikipedia page of the love alarm and he found, it hurt more like a raw scar than a stab in his chest or a crushing weight. The nausea, the pang in his chest that plagued him years before were weak if almost nonexistent.

Curiosity took over.

He took his phone from the side of his desk and downloaded the application again. The name Jaeger was under the title screen and right next to it were the words ‘All rights reserved.”

Would would have felt like an ache in the chest years ago, felt more like a mosquito bite. Levi was just slightly annoyed. It did nothing to stop him though from registering again and looking through the application interface.

Nothing much had changed. There were some slight changes to the skin of the registration page, a change in the name of the company at the bottom. Levi purposely touched the activate button rapidly and found he had crashed the application.

That was one bug that he never got to fix. He turned his phone to the side, noting the way the screen glitched as it adjusted to the landscape orientation of the phone. Another bug Levi never got to fix.

Then he wondered who the developer on the other end had been to have never even caught it.

Biometrics registered, Levi activated the alarm to find no hearts. He couldn’t help but entertain that slight disappointment. Of course no hearts would have appeared though. He hadn’t even interacted with his neighbors.

It would have been creepy it rang. Letting out a sardonic laugh just loud enough for himself, he leaned back on the chair and stared at the ceiling, forcing his thoughts back to whatever coding freelance project he’d been dealing with a few minutes ago.

Work came in freelance projects. They were enough for rent, for savings and some capacity to eat out occasionally.

A simple yet comfortable life. But is that all that there is to life? That voice continued to tear into his work related thoughts. Levi gave in to the nagging thought again. He started scrolling through wikipedia articles detailing use, detailing acquisition history, he found another key word under related articles, more interesting than ‘love alarm.’

Mood Alarm.

It sent a strange shiver through the back of his neck. Levi rolled his shoulders, relieving the tension that came with the last few eons of reflection. He let out a whistle, opened the new article and scrolled down towards references.

There were lists of articles.

Partner of Zeke Jaeger and freshly minted PhD graduate Doctor Hange Zoe release Mood Alarm.

Doctor Hange Zoe. Something inside him was fighting for control. He couldn’t bring himself to click the link. At the same time though, there was this curiosity inside him that he couldn’t seem to get to the bottom of.

Under the link to the article was the official website.

At the front page, there was a boring and overly professional introduction Levi didn’t bother to read

Below them, everything else had been interesting enough to give more than a second long glance.

The list of functionalities. The color codes. Then newly launched dashboard functionalities, almost a carbon copy of the plan Levi had sent years back.

“Fucking hell, you actually did it,” Levi muttered. He couldn’t help but just allow the smile that tugged at his lips some control. Excitement had him searching for the application on the play store, downloading it and methodically going through the same registration process as the love alarm.

It didn’t look much like the mood alarm Levi had worked on years ago. He saw hints of it though and worked from there to admire it.

The front end had been cleaned up. The font chosen fit the silver-to-white gradient of the application. When Levi clicked ‘activate,’ the screen loaded.

The colors mixed against one another for a second, an aesthetic choice of animation that Levi couldn’t help but be amused with.

Red. Yellow. Blue. Purple. Green. Orange.

The colors continued to mix. Then some disappeared as if they had lost themselves in some colorful war.

Then it was only blue and yellow. The two colors danced against one another for a few seconds longer before they disappeared too. More specifically, they bundled against one another.

Green. It took him at least five seconds to get that reading.

He didn’t have to look at the guide on the website to know what it meant.

Sad happy? Or happy sad? Whatever that feeling was, Levi felt no need to introspect, or maybe he had been too lazy to.

It had been a while since he had even let himself feel something. The green on his screen, the feeling that accompanied it, seemed more like an old friend he hadn’t talked to a while.

If he had any ability at introspection, maybe it had already rusted. Still, he let those emotions inside him, that yellow and that blue do their work.

They had him turning off the mood alarm, then turning off the love alarm. Something inside him still hesitated to delete the applications. Then it had him considering the space on his phone for just a second.

He downloaded another app that night. A familiar app with a flame, then another one with a bee. Only months into his new life in a new city with a new job, Levi was already bored— and if he had to admit it—terribly, terribly lonely.

And maybe the best way to cure it was to spend the whole night swiping.

***

Finding a companion wasn’t as easy as desperation and a few second long rush of confidence made it out to be.

Perhaps, online dating was a rash idea, an uncharacteristic move.

Didn't he reject Petra years ago? How could he date anyone else? Petra… How is she… With nothing much to do but wait for his date, he found himself texting Petra as he waited in the cafe.

He sent a few thank you messages at her well wishes. They exchanged brief updates and Petra’s own updates dragged on for longer.

Her life was more eventful than his.

Petra had started dating Oluo. She had found someone who loved her, just as much as she loved him. Keeping a correspondence with her only highlighted points for reflection for Levi. The more he reflected, the more questions came up. The more he reflected, the more complicated the questions became.

He was lonely but could he be picky? At the same time, did he even have the heart to put anyone through the shitty experience of a half hearted courtship?

Hange’s words echoed in his head, not in any specific string, a few parts in words, a few parts in phrases.

Considering the circumstances… Love is a choice.

When he let her words echo through him, he managed to grip a presence long gone. A presence and a relationship, he clarified, that had never been his in the first place.

He never did completely brush away the guilt that accompanied every passing thought of Hange. There was this strange acceptance though that appended it, and it had him a little more discerning, a little more prudent.

If he couldn’t have her, he could always just keep her close in his own personal way.

“Have you heard of the love alarm?”

How long had she been there? How long had she been talking?

Right, Levi was on a date. She had said words before that question and Levi could have sworn they had exchanged greetings even before that.

“In passing,” Levi said. He manifested some reality from the words, as if a firm response was enough to forget decades worth of overtime and testing.

“It’s this application we can use to test compatibility… So at least we know if this could work.”

Levi listened with some fake intent as she explained how the love alarm worked. He made sure to nod at points where her tone had gone a little higher or louder.

“What do you think?” There was some finality to her voice, an expectant look on her face.

Levi hummed in thought.. “I don’t believe in using an app to check compatibility. What about when we consider circumstances? Get to know each other… Then decide if it could work?”

She looked at her phone for a second, then back at Levi, her brows furrowed in confusion.

Levi shook his head. “Sorry, I just don’t believe in things like the love alarm, it seems just like horoscopes or Myer Briggs to me. Compatibility, relationships, they’re just gonna be choices we make anyway.” He found himself guiltily looking away as he said those last points.

The pout that played at his date’s lips was evidence enough, there probably wouldn’t be a second date. “It’s not like our love alarm’s would have rung anyway,” she said.

It had been a while since Levi dated though and he started to realize, maybe his filter and his social skills had rusted just a bit.

***

Love is a choice.

It looked like he might have been the only one to believe that. He had managed to piss off countless other dates with his own ‘love is a choice’ schtick.

And he had been dating semi regularly for the past year already. Yet, nothing was coming up fruitful.

How the hell did Hange even manage to get married? Or maybe Hange had just been the exception. He then concluded, Hange just had too many other loveable qualities which could make anyone want to snap her up early on.

The more he entertained the thought of Hange, the heavier his own chest became. Then he stopped entertaining her then the cycle would start again, a very vicious cycle.

It just so happened that sometimes the thought of ‘Hange’ manifested as some domineering thought. ‘Love is a choice’ and the strange sensation that came with his whole body protesting, rebelling in their own little way worked hand in hand.

He was confused and consequently desperate enough to open the mood alarm for some inkling of comprehension. He would focus on the way the colors switched among one another, disappearing, always revealing a yellow and a light blue dancing between one another then always ending with a light blue.

Sometimes he was blue. Sometimes he was green.

Ane he continued to check. After all, he mood alarm had become a beautiful and constant companion. He had deleted the love alarm but kept the mood alarm close.

“What do you think of the love alarm?”

How many people are gonna ask about that fucking application?

Zeke had just been a little too good at marketing. It was the nth time someone had broken the ice of a first date with that fucking question and Levi regretted not making a drinking game out of it. Maybe he would have been able to drink enough to forget that cursed product.

“Are you okay?” his new date asked.

He had spent the past few minutes too silent, not thinking. “Nifa…” That was her name right? He cleared his throat. “I’m fine.”

She looked as nervous as he did, or even more nervous. That part was comforting at least. In a way, her demeanor seemed a little more pleasant, more genuinely curious than wary. “I asked just a second ago, have you ever used that love alarm?” she said in response.

Levi followed the same script. "In passing."

“Would you like to try it out? Just to make sure we’re on the same page, relationship wise.”

“I’d rather we relied on circumstances and compatibility to make the choice for us. Get to know each other maybe…” When it came to suggestions, Levi had revised his script just a bit. Too many people got offended by his invalidating horoscopes and Myer Briggs type for some weird reason. “Like get to know each other, like…” Levi trailed off for a second, allowing himself a pregnant pause. ”... Elizabeth and Darcy?”

Nifa had cocked her head to the side curiously, thought for a long second and smiled just a bit wider. “You read Pride and Prejudice?”

Levi nodded subtly. “A while back,.”

She paused for a second, seeming deep in thought. “Well… Now that I think about it, you might be right,” Nifa said. “This compatibility thing… Your idea of love. I think it makes sense.”

“Really? You think so?”

“Yeah, why?” Nifa asked.

Levi dropped his shoulders in relief, the weight of at least a hundred failed dates fell off his shoulders. “I’ve been dating for years and I feel like you’re the only one who actually said that.”

Nifa didn’t reply immediately and the longer Levi sat there, the more clearly he saw her face. Surprise morphed into something that seemed more like pity. Then, the chronic pang in his chest came back.

A first love did that to people maybe? A painful first love lost had that special power to maybe just twist his own philosophies, to make him almost disgusted at his own creations and the way it had challenged his own convictions.

Are you scared? Levi thought to himself. He couldn’t be too sure how he was handling himself in front of Nifa. He looked down at his hands, opening and closing them a few times and if he looked closely, he could almost feel those uncomfortable twinges in his wrist that came from years of coding.

“I’m willing to put the time into it if you are.” Nifa’s voice was more gentle and it flowed as if she had sensed the stiffness in his voice.

Levi didn’t respond immediately and suddenly their little corner of the crowded cafe was eerily silent. There was a melancholy that had blanketed their little corner despite the Saturday afternoon crowd.

Nifa seemed like she was trying to break away from it with some light conversation. “Hey, have you heard of the mood alarm?”

“The mood alarm?” Levi let that half smile creep up his lips, just high enough to be more invisible than obvious. Three words from a stranger and his emotions were reduced to a mess.

He once again felt that twinge again at his rests and that sleepless night, and her. He was remembering her in his office through sleepy exhausted eyes, with a cocktail dress and a sandwich bag in one hand.

There was also something amusing and painfully ironic about hearing his own brainchild, from someone so casually, as if it had turned into some household name while he wasn’t looking.

The conversation was getting painful, painfully interesting and the masochist in Levi was gripping him and pulling him back to reality. “Like the love alarm…” Levi added.

“Well, they’re products from the Jaeger corporation… You know the Jaeger family right?” Nifa added.

Levi could only be thankful he hadn’t been sipping at his tea then. He probably could have choked. How could he ever forget Zeke Jaeger?

He might have gotten a lot better at hiding his own disgust or Nifa could have been too deep in thought. She continued to talk. “They bought Love Alarm a few years back.”

“I know the Jaeger family,” Levi said.

“So you know about their eldest son, the heir of the Jaeger corporation… And his partner?”

Levi took a sip of tea, not bothering to respond.

Nifa may have taken that as a ‘no.’“His partner was working towards a PhD in psychology and apparently that was her final project. The codes for the mood alarm are very similar to the love alarm apparently."

“Oh?” Levi asked, feigning interest.

Soon, it turned into something genuine. Nifa was offering new information. “She got the PhD a few years ago and soon after that, the application was launched. And now they’re launching a solution for hospitals.”

“What kind of solution?” Levi asked.

“Wait, have you ever used the mood alarm? Or do you know how it works?” Nifa asked. “Anyway, I realized I ended up digressing here… The point I was trying to make is, the one who developed the mood alarm was able to prove that whatever measurements they use for the love alarm, are related to emotions. And what if, understanding how we feel when we work towards a relationship is a better determinant of whether the relationship could work?”

Levi nodded quickly, an attempt to be polite. At that point though, he wasn’t too interested in the point she had been trying to make “I’m familiar with the application and how it works. But you mentioned something about a solution for hospitals…” He didn’t think it was worth lying. He didn’t need a long winded explanation of the alarm he made. He needed an explanation of what Hange had been making."

Nifa didn’t seem to get the message. “So, the application will determine your emotions for you--- I have one right now and we could use it over time to articulate how we feel.” She pulled out her phone and dropped it on the table. “I think analyzing our own emotions would do a better job than relying on how the love alarm processes the emotions.”

There was something surreal about seeing a user explain it to him, as if they knew it more than him.

For a while, he couldn’t help but just entertain the possibility that in her own way, Nifa may have known more. With someone explaining and demonstrating, he was more easily able to make sense of the changes that had been implemented since Hange acquired it.

The app icon was reminiscent of the love alarm, two rings around it but instead of a heart in between, there was an icon, an elegant cross between a flower and a color wheel.

Red. Blue. Yellow. In between the primary colors were purple, green and orange.

Nifa activated it and held the phone between her fingertips. Just like the night when Levi had first played with it, the colored blobs swam amongst one another again, each blob would disappear one by one, leaving the remaining colors.

Yellow and Orange. “Looks like I’m happy,” Nifa commented. “So apparently the new dashboard allows us to connect this reading on the phone to a PC and get a more detailed explanation, numbers, heart rate, all the like.”

“You seem to know a lot about the app,” Levi mused.

Nifa cocked her head to one side. “Well, I’m into psychology too. I work as a psychologist in one of the hospitals. Our hospital is one of the first ones to buy software licenses so I’ve done my research.” She hummed, looking straight at him for a second as if studying him. “Now that I think about it, your job wasn’t on your profile. What do you do for a living?”

Levi’s response was automatic. “IT work.” He was suddenly self conscious about even mentioning the word ‘developer.’

“Ooooh... So you’d probably figure out how this app works much faster than I would.” Nifa sighed. “And you could probably help reassure me about this."

“Reassure you about what?”

“I’m honestly pretty nervous about rolling out this software.”

“Why?”

“Well, it’s relatively new, a few bugs would come up here and there.”

“All softwares are going to face new bugs with every update. It’s never ending,” Levi said nonchalantly.

“Spoken like a true IT guy,” Nifa joked. She took a sip of her shake and stared down at his tea and up at him again. “Say, since you’re in IT, you think you can hook us up with someone?”

“Hook you up with someone?” Levi asked. His mind was going places more suited for a tinder date than a conversation on career. He raised one eyebrow in question. He couldn’t be too sure of what she meant just yet.

It looked like she had started to understand that double entendre. Nifa blushed then let out a cough. “No, no. Our company is looking to build a small support team.”

“An IT support team?” Levi asked.

“Well, people who could focus on learning the product, dealing with whatever bugs, testing them, compiling them and sending them over to the Mood Alarm team. You think you’d know anyone tech savvy? Maybe familiar with how biotechnology works?

“I could try to look around…” Levi said.

“Great!” Nifa chimed

By some magic, the conversation shifted elsewhere. Nifa had a way with conversation, keeping some sort of a flow, talking about her own job and getting him to talk about his freelance projects.

Levi’s thoughts on the hospital solution though were an ubiquitous part of his mind space.That was the whole point of the investment right? Back then, Zeke and Hange had plans on selling it to hospitals.

And there was a free trial. That night, Levi had been curious enough to click the ‘book a free trial button’ and to even fill out the first few lines.

Organization name? He didn't have one.

Purpose? To catch up with his own brain child maybe.

He ended up staring at the blank screen for a while, wondering where the hell he would get an organization and a valid purpose.

He wanted to check it out, he really did. And he was a little salty that they required a background check before they even allowed trials for a project he created.

Curiosity became desperation. With desperation, came creativity, audacity. He took his phone with the intention of just asking Nifa a few questions, only to see there was an unread message from her.

Thanks for today! I had a lot of fun. Hopefully, we can plan something soon. I might be busy with work this week but maybe the week after?

Levi stared at her message and composed a quick reply, pleasantries forgotten.

You mentioned something about IT support openings in the hospital...

***

The hiring manager introduced himself as Moblit but he didn't say much else. Instead, he spent the next few minutes looking through Levi's resume, his brow wrinkled.

"Is there something wrong with my resume?" Levi asked, breaking the silence. He had kept it minimalistic, only sticking to odd jobs the past five years.

Moblit shook his head. "Nothing, it just doesn't look like you have support role experience."

"Do I need experience in a support role? I think I'm familiar enough with how apps work to stand in as one," Levi said. Should he mention that he had done the support work before?

"So you've compiled tickets, sent them over to developers?"

I'm the developer who deals with those bullshit tickets. He thought to himself. On the outside though, he nodded and leaned a bit more forward on the table. It wasn’t too difficult to show interest. He was genuinely interested, having given in to that curiosity-turned-desperation.

"Well, if you're interested in taking the job then…” Moblit said. “Let's see how much you know about the mood alarm app." He opened a folder. "It's a relatively new solution, so I don't expect you to know much but if you've heard of the love alarm?"

"I have."

"Well they're from the same corporation…"

Information on their history flew into one ear and out the other. "Do you have any more questions for me?" Levi asked. He could have interrupted Moblit there but he didn’t want to hear about a history he actually experienced first hand.

Moblit cleared his throat. "Well, if you could tell me how you think the mood alarm works? Then I’ll give you a list of common bugs and can you tell me how you will go about raising them to developers?

***

Six years hadn’t done much to make him forget. He had been working with the love alarm for almost a decade after all.

And the mood alarm? He had a strange connection to it, he couldn’t explain.

The code wasn’t open source. Of course it wouldn’t. That was an enterprise application and they wouldn’t want any hacker just randomly getting it. Yet, why did he feel so offended at not having access?

“Hey Levi, how would you handle this?”

“Handle what?” Levi didn’t look up from his monitor immediately. The voice and the question have all were all too familiar and it wasn’t urgent anyway.

“Levi, take a look…” Farlan seemed more frustrated than a second ago.

Levi looked at Farlan’s screen. Another display issue. He was all too familiar with the bugs and it looked like the love alarm and the mood alarm were coming up with the same issues. “Click the activate button three times really fast, right click the desktop, select inspect and take a screenshot. We send it over to the developers on the mood alarm team,” Levi said. That had become routine after a while, yet somehow, his two colleagues Farlan and Isabel were still asking questions.

Maybe because he was the only one who understood what the hell the developers needed to see to actually get to the bottom of the problem.

“Make sure to check it in both light mode and dark mode,” Levi said. “And also, there’s a known bug for the phone app, check if turning on the alarm affects your ability to receive notifications from other apps.” Those words had sent a wave of nostalgia through him. That was one of the bugs he had gotten around to fixing with the love alarm.

“Hey...”Isabel’s voice sounded from next to him. Levi turned around, almost jumping when he saw she had been close enough to look over his shoulder. “What are you researching?”

It wouldn't look good if he slacked off at work in front of colleagues a good few years his junior. Levi closed the tab. “Just my own research on mood alarm.” And when he looked at his codes a little longer, then back at Isabel who seemed almost confused, Levi realized it had looked more like extra work than anything else.

He spent the whole morning on ‘extra work, watching the API calls, making notes to himself to check the codes he had sent Hange years back just to see how much had changed.

“You finished all your tasks today and you still wanna do research on the mood alarm?” Farlan asked, a look of utter amazement on his face.

“What can I say? This app is pretty interesting.” it wasn’t a lie. Watching the growth of his own child from afar, was a fun thing to do.

“It honestly feels like you’ve done this type of work before."

“I did something similar,” Levi said.

“What kind of place did you work in before?” Isabel asked excitedly, her tasks also forgotten.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Levi answered, his tone unchanged.

“Something like the love alarm?”

Levi nodded. “Maybe that’s the reason I can figure things out pretty fast,” he said. The best plan of action was to digress.

“So that means we could make you handle the harder cases?” Farlan snickered.

“I’d rather you learn how to deal with others on your own,” Levi said. “I’ve worked with these apps for a long time. The bugs never end.”

***

“Moblit’s saying you’re doing a pretty good job picking out the bugs,” Nifa spoke above the bustle of the lunch time crowd.

“Are we?” Levi asked. He kept his words brief, not wanting to waste too much energy speaking over the others in the hospital cafeteria.

“Well, he was talking about you mostly,” Nifa said. “Most big issues get resolved with each release. And Moblit was saying that our support team just gives really good feedback.”

“The developers do the work. All we do is find the bugs.” Levi started to pick more meticulously at his salad

Nifa shook her head. “I think the support team deserves credit too. It’s difficult figuring out whether issues are user issues or there’s really a bug. Isabel also told me you find ways to reproduce it quickly.”

“Do I?” His responses were getting less and less creative. There just wasn’t much to say and the compliments were making him more and more uncomfortable by the second.

Moblit was a life saver. He had broken out of the crowd, running to Nifa, an urgent but excited expression on his face. “Nifa, you’ve got to hear this.”

Levi used that brief distraction to shovel more salad into his mouth.

Moblit had spoken just beneath the sounds of other conversations and Levi couldn’t make out what he had said. He did make out the urgency in Nifa’s face and the excitement. Whatever Moblit had said was contagious.

“When are they coming?” Nifa asked, her voice much louder than Moblit’s.

Levi stood up, gathering his plate, his utensils and his unfinished salad. “If I’m not supposed to be in this conversation…”

Moblit shook his head. “Levi, no, please stay. I’d rather you hear this since this is related to your line of work too.”

“Why?” Levi raised one eyebrow.

“Zeke Jaeger and his partner Doctor Hange Zoe, they’re planning to visit,” Moblit said.

Levi couldn’t even tell what expression he had on then.

Maybe Moblit had interpreted shock as confusion. “Zeke Jaeger is the owner of the love alarm. Hange Zoe’s the creator of the mood alarm… In case you didn't know.”

***

“Hey, I wanna see her… Is this how she looks like?” Isabel’s voice was a whisper, a very loud whisper. “She looks smart.”

Farlan’s voice wasn’t any softer. “Well, that’s what you’d expect from the mastermind behind the mood alarm right? I heard Zeke Jaeger bought her the love alarm so she could look through the code and make the mood alarm for herself.”

“Where did you hear that?” Isabel asked.

“Watch the interviews.”

The click and clack of the keyboard. Then there was the sound of voices coming from the loud speaker from Farlan’s computer.

Then Hange’s very familiar voice.

Levi didn’t want to listen. “You know, if you spend too much time looking through this. You’re not gonna get anything done.” He forced his voice into something louder than what he was comfortable with. “Don’t you two have other tasks to do?”

“Aren’t you excited to meet them?” Isabel rolled her chair next to Levi.

No way in hell am I meeting them. “I’m planning on taking a leave,” he said.

“Wait, why?” Isabel seeming heartbroken, as if Levi taking a leave was the most terrible thing in the world.

“Well, as employees we’re entitled to leaves right?” Levi asked emotionlessly, willing himself not to at all be affected by Isabel’s puppy dog face.

Farlan sighed. “You’re the best one at this type of work among the three of us. You know, this is a good opportunity for you to get noticed.”

“I don’t wanna get noticed,” Levi said, as he focused back again on the screen, refreshing their ticketing software a little bit faster that time. It really was an uneventful afternoon. He couldn’t blame Farlan and Isabel for doing nothing.

“It’s a big money, a chance at a big career move,” Farlan said, raising his voice as if that could have done anything to convince Levi.

Levi looked up from the monitor and back to Farlan. “Do you really want me out of here?”

Farlan shrugged. “I dunno, you just seem too overqualified for this kind of job.”

Levi sighed. “Believe me, I’m happy to be here.” He continued to click refresh, just in case anything could have halted that already seemingly awkward conversation. The reason why he didn’t want to run into Zeke or Hange… Was it written all over his face?

Just in case Farlan and Isabel were mind readers, Levi kept quiet, kept his eyes glued on the screen and he prayed the day would get busier somehow.

It did. But it got busy so close to the end of the day and overtime seemed inevitable.

“We’re not receiving any readings.”

The same exact fucking line, from ten different customers from different hospital branches around the country. “You’re fucking kidding me,” Levi muttered.

He opened all the test devices, only to find, none of them were receiving readings from the mood alarm either. He was sure though, he was annoyed, very very annoyed. Maybe even angry. “Try testing,” he ordered.

Farlan and Isabel were more emotional than he was. If it didn’t work for them, it probably wasn’t working at all.

They had full trust on him. Isabel and Farlan nodded and they went through the devices quickly. All test devices exhausted and there was nothing much to do. Levi was convinced it was an issue that could only be investigated on the backend. “We’re done for the day.”

“We have to send a report right?”

Levi started to pack his bag. “Send a report saying we’re not getting any readings,” he said with a shrug. “It’s probably a backend issue or an issue with their API.”

“You sure we can’t do anything from our side?” Farlan pressed.

Levi shook his head. “None.” He logged out, slung his backpack over his shoulder and exited the office.

He sensed their disappointment in him. In his months working there, Levi had never left the office without doing a thorough investigation and writing a detailed report.

That might be the first time in months, they would give something completely unhelpful for the developers. That wasn’t Levi’s intention though. There were just some things that were better off investigated on his own personal PC.

For the first time in a while, Levi didn’t go straight for the shower when he arrived back home. He booted up his own PC. When he checked his cloud account, he found the private repository with all the codes from the love alarm and the mood alarm was still there.

It hadn’t been touched in years though.

He scrolled through the code, allowing that wave of nostalgic to wash over him gently. Having been the only one who worked on the base, Levi was very very familiar with it. Memories came quickly with the nostalgia. There was a point where the server was down and he remembered the hundreds of support tickets about the temporarily malfunctioning love alarm.

No readings were coming through. Levi did a quick calculation of the time zones of his own city and of the mood alarm headquarters. Then he looked through the code again.

Convinced that it was a fair theory, Levi opened his pseudo email, entered the support email for the mood alarm and left just one sentence on the email body.

I’m convinced one of your devs left a debugger on one of these codes on the backend.

A few years ago, he had been guilty of leaving a debugger running overnight,  fucking up the whole command system of the love alarm.

He copied and pasted a part of the code and the sent the email off. For all he knew, the mood alarm could have branched off far from the love alarm, rendering his theory completely stupid. Still, it was a theory worth entertaining.

The issues from work forgotten, Levi started to open his other emails, finding one from Petra on the third page, dated months ago.

Just a reminder that he hadn’t opened that email in months. “A wedding invite?”

Petra Ral and Oluo Bozado invite you to celebrate their wedding…

He didn’t need the rest of it to convince himself to go. He only needed to look at the date under, conveniently a week after Hange and Zeke were scheduled to visit the hospital where he worked.

He sent off two emails that night.

One to Petra, a very very late RSVP.

Then one to management, a request for a two week leave. For personal reasons.

A wedding always made a good personal reason. That was probably only half his actual personal reason though.

***

“I didn’t even expect you to come.” Petra seemed happy.

It could have been the make up or her natural blush. She was a glowing bride, glowing bright enough that Levi was starting to feel lonely.

“It’s been a while,” Levi said. “And you two are looking good.”

“How’s life abroad?” Petra asked.

“It’s fine,” Levi said.

“You adjusted well?” Petra asked again.

“Yeah, I guess I did.” Levi took a sip of his wine.

“You managed to get a software engineering job there?” That time it was Oluo who asked.

“Something similar,” Levi said. He started to shake his glass a bit, feigning deep consideration. Maybe that would explain his inability to respond. In truth, he was in no mood to make conversation but when the bride and the groom had gone out of their way to sit next to him on the bench outside their party, and they had gone through all the trouble of asking, it was only polite that he kept his side of the conversation.

Somewhere along the exchanges, Petra brought up a question. And whether it had been appropriate or not, Levi couldn’t tell but he thought it worth an answer at least.

“Have you met anyone?” Petra asked.

“What?” Levi responded.

“I dunno… I guess someone who makes you feel good? Someone who manages to ring your love alarm?” Petra gave him a knowing look.

Levi only had to shift his gaze from Petra to the seemingly blank face of Oluo to know, Petra had at least kept that part to herself. To the others, his alarm ringing with Hange could have been just a bug.

Levi shook his head. “I haven’t touched the love alarm in years,” he admitted.

Petra seemed more understanding. “We haven’t touched it in years either.”

Levi raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

Petra stared ahead, looking deep in thought. She turned to Oluo. “Well, I guess a part of us wanted to build this organically, get to know each other first. And maybe that’s the best way to find people. I think the love alarm just causes unnecessary chaos sometimes.”

Levi only had to look back at his past five years to see it. To be honest, he could actually put the blame on the love alarm for completely uprooting his life. He couldn't say he totally agreed though. He didn’t regret the time with Hange either.

But he wasn’t going to deny her credit where credit was due. “You make sense.”

It wasn’t as simple as that though. Somehow, Hange’s own words had torn into the silence. Just for him. The love alarm causes chaos but sometimes it can tie loose ends.

And for him, it had been both. It had caused chaos but somehow, meeting Hange, having gotten to know her, having gotten to talk to her had tied some loose ends inside him.

What kind of loose ends? He couldn’t be too sure.

“Even when you don’t use the love alarm now, have you met other people?” Petra was still very interested in his love life.

Oluo should have been silently uncomfortable about that. Levi couldn’t tell with a quick glance.

“I’ve met a few people though… There’s someone named Nifa,” Levi said,

“Next time you come here, you’ll take her for a visit? Make sure to introduce us to her?” Petra asked.

“Or maybe next time, it will be us visiting,” Oluo added.

The brief conversation ended soon after, with a few exchanged greetings and a promise to bring Nifa. In case something ever happened between him and NIfa.

By the end of the night, he had made a promise to himself not to use that love alarm to find his next love.

Petra was right, the love alarm could cause unnecessary chaos. Besides, love is a choice right?

***

Levi came back from his very relaxing two week leave to two words that made his stomach turn.

Doctor Zoe. That was what Farlan and Isabel called her.

“Doctor Zoe…” Levi repeated. The words tasted unfamiliar. Suddenly, the road trip, the beach trip and just the quiet meetings in the cafe all seemed like just a fevered dream.

“And she stopped to talk to all of us!” Isabel sang, her eyes filled with wonder. “You should have stayed. I swear, I feel like you would have gotten along. She never stops talking. You two could have talked about the mood alarm for hours.”

“She sounds tiring to be with,” Levi said, an attempt at a halfhearted reply.

Farlan grinned, an alarmingly knowing expression on his face. “Don’t lie, you would have enjoyed at least listening. You’re way more enthusiastic about the mood alarm than we are.”

“I’m just being a good employee.” Levi shook his head, as if that was enough to erase the regret that shoved itself into his throat and down to his chest.

“She really made sure to talk to everyone,” Isabel said. “And she stayed for a few days longer. Maybe the plans changed since she went alone.”

“Wait, she came alone?” Levi said. Don’t regret. Don’t you dare regret leaving.

Farlan nodded in response. “Moblit explained this to us before they came.” He turned to Isabel as if expecting some explanation from her.

“I can’t be too sure either, I’ve only heard a bit about it. And rich people like the Jaegers, they like to keep their personal lives a secret right?” Isabel answered.

Farlan shrugged. “Anyway, from what Moblit told me, they intended to visit all the major customers including our hospital chain. They’ve been planning this tour for months, maybe even years but Doctor Zoe ended up going alone.”

“Did you ever find out why?” Levi kept his voice soft, anything louder and he might just look more invested. He turned back to the unopened tickets on his screen. From his peripherals, he could see Farlan and Isabel exchanging glances.

It was Farlan who spoke up. “I have a theory.”

“Tell me,” Levi said.

“They fought.”

“Okay, couples fight.” Levi continued to click at the tickets, opening them one by one, just to feel productive.

“Yeah, but it must have been a big fight right?” Isabel added. “I did some research on Doctor Zoe after we met her and apparently, they were having problems even years ago. Apparently, there are rumors that her husband bought the love alarm to save their marriage.”

“Where the hell did you get that info?” Farlan sounded incredulous.

Isabel chuckled mischievously. “The dark, dark internet.”

“That can’t be true.” Farlan shook his head in disbelief.

“I can’t really prove it anymore. A lot of the threads online that actually discuss this get taken down by the admin. But I swear, now that I think about it, it does make sense. I read some articles, no one expected Zeke Jaeger to buy the love alarm… Some said he did it to save the love alarm after a major bug showed up that could have prevented PR….Apparently, there was a certain point a few years ago, where there were photos of Doctor Zoe with another man. I tried looking for the photos but I can’t find them anymore.”

“You really got invested in her love life huh?”

Isabel groaned. “I couldn’t help it. She seemed so nice and she talked to us a lot even when we were just support, she took the time to teach us and she’s just so humble…”

“But what if she really did cheat on her husband?” Farlan challenged. “I mean, the rumors have to have been there for a reason right?”

“Do you think she looks like the type to cheat?” Isabel asked. “That very honest and open face?”

Farlan coughed in surprise. “She doesn’t for sure---but rumors don’t come out of nowhere right?”

“You two, go back to work,” Levi said. While the two had been working, he had been assigning tickets to them, an ingenious way to compose himself.

“Wait not yet, what do you think Levi? You might have better intuition than we do.”

“Intuition?” Levi repeated, one eyebrow raised.

“Does she really look like the type to cheat?” Farlan asked.

Levi continued to stare at the screen, not willing to risk showing them whatever expression played at his face then. “I didn’t meet her. You two did so you’re better qualified to answer that question. Tell me, does she look like the type to cheat?”

Farlan paused for a second, then narrowed his eyes at Levi. “I think I have a question which you might be more qualified to answer,” Farlan said. “You’re pretty good at finding bugs. Have you ever done research on the love alarm bug? What do you think the bug was… The one which made Zeke Jaeger buy the app?”

“I don’t think there was a bug,” Levi said.

“What do you mean?” Farlan pressed.

“Get back to work you two.” Levi kept his voice firm, loud and authoritative. Something he would have rather not done, if it hadn’t been for the weight which came with what should have been a light piece of gossip, and his whittling ability to keep a stoic demeanor.

The deep dark internet. Levi watched his two companions. Their eyes were once again fixed on the screen, Farlan’s fingers were flying over the keyboard, Isabel was playing with some test device.

Deep enough at work for Levi to take his own quick break. He opened an incognito tab and put his headphones on.

One video or one article, and he’d get back to work. He found an interview, the opening questions had been the same familiar ones Farlan had been playing on speaker months ago.

He played the first few questions at twice the speed. He knew the answers already.

What inspired you to make the mood alarm?

“Love alarm… Codes… Yadayadayada…” Levi muttered just a loud enough for himself. Hange had been careful not to mention anything about a developer. He could see the way she had shifted gazes for just a second, seeming uncomfortable.

He couldn’t blame her. Isabel had said so herself, in the deep dark internet, maybe there were rumors of an affair.

And some journalists were aware.

Personal Life? Around the point that someone asked about her personal life, Levi slowed the clip down. They had timed it, to the exact point where Hange had tensed up and looked away for just a second.

“Can you tell us about your relationship with Zeke Jaeger? How has it been?”

“How did you feel when you realized he bought you the love alarm? Is it true he bought it to win you back?”

Hange was admirably professional about it. “We’re digressing now,” she said with a light hearted tone, a laugh which seemed more rehearsed than actually Hange’s.

Is it true you had an affair with another man? It wasn’t loud enough for Hange to have heard it, just a sound among others. When Levi had been looking for that question and it rang more loudly for him. He rewinded the video a few times just to make sure.

What the hell… No we didn’t… We. Didn’t. Have. An. Affair.

“Levi, are you okay?” Isabel asked

“What?”

“You were talking to yourself just now.”

Levi quickly closed the tab as Isabel looked over his shoulder. “Nothing, just looking at tickets,” he said. He went back to their ticketing application, opened a few more tickets and decided to table the research until later that evening.

***

The deep, dark internet.

With his own personal wifi and his own VPN, Levi had more wriggle room to dig deeper.

There was a mention of a fight, a marriage on the rocks, and the rumors only grew from there. The more Levi found, the more courage he mustered. It turned out, the process of scrolling through threads, joining chat groups had been nothing but liberating.

Liberating but infuriating.

The internet was an aggregate of bad takes and the occasional good one. From bad takes came horrible half baked rumors.

I swear, if they end up divorcing…

Jaeger should have dumped her fucking ass from the start.

Slut…

Whore…

Hange Zoe. Fucking gold digger.

There were rumors that she had manipulated Zeke for the money. Rumors that she had only married him to complete her PhD.

Levi quickly went through those.

Some of the people were nice though and Levi read those comments a little more slowly.

The mood alarm was Zoe’s deal.

The money Jaeger put into was a donation.

If they’re not happy, let them divorce.

And there were videos, particularly zoomed videos in events of Zeke and Hange in conventions and conferences, the latest one only a few months ago. Before Hange  had visited the hospital.

In the most recent one, they were talking, just at the corner behind the stage, still visible from the camera. Levi rewinded the video again and again just to confirm their identity.

The Hange on the screen seemed indignant. Zeke had pulled her in by the waist, she pulled away. In response, Zeke had once again gone for her hands, pulling her towards him.

Just like back in the school gym.

It was different, that time in the gym Hange had been accepted yet determined at the same time. The Hange on the video, or the least, the one he could make out from the flailing of her hands, the stamping of her food on the ground, the moment she had pulled away then turned away was telling.

Hange wasn’t accepting anything anymore.

Levi scrolled through the comments.

If Hange Zoe divorces Zeke Jaeger… If she keeps possession of the mood alarm... she’s a gold digger.

She needed Jaeger funds to complete PhD… It’s Zeke Jaeger’s PhD not hers lmao XD

It was around the fifth most liked comment when Levi closed the tab, not bothering to bookmark the site. That was enough internet toxicity for the day.

***

“You’re transferring me?” Levi had ended up preempting the discussion.

Nifa and Moblit looked at each other, then back at him. Then Nifa nodded.

Moblit shook his head, creating some confusion. “No, we wanted your opinion on this first. The city we’ll be transferring you to isn’t very… convenient.”

“But you will be paid more,” Nifa said.

Since no one actually wants to live there. A fact no one actually admitted during those types of meetings but Levi had been in corporate long enough to know.

“And it’s just for a few years,” Moblit said, his tone, a tone of reassurance more than actual confidence. “Our hospital got special permission to do testing and research and we’ll need one support guy there. This is an important project for our hospital so...”

Levi had done a quick google search of the city under the table, a name he never heard of, and just the picture of a very sleepy town with not many buildings with even two floors was indicative. There was a reason why Moblit and Nifa seemed uncertain about a transfer.

There wasn’t much he did anyway in that city. How could moving away be any different?

“What’s this research about?” Levi asked.

Moblit responded to that more clearly and more confidently. “We’re planning to do further research, create programs for kids who grew up in difficult households to help them process emotions better. We’re starting with a few kids, on a small research facility up north… And having someone on call would be helpful.”

It didn’t take much to convince Levi after that. “There isn’t much for me to miss here anyway.” Really, he would have taken that transfer even without the pay raise.

***

There was peace and quiet which came with living in the middle of nowhere. Peace and quiet had a way of making Levi unbearably bored yet at the same time more perceptive as to why the hell no one wanted to live there in the first place.

Winters were cruel, with snow piling up meters high. Even in the summers, the sky was overcast and in all four seasons, the air still found a way to be suffocatingly dry.

Someone mentioned something about lake effects and something about rain shadows, and Levi couldn’t really tell which one was it. He wasn’t a scientist after all.

He was human though, a very simple minded human with no science degree. So he let the weather affect his moods, maybe even affect his long term philosophies in life. His current environment was too different from the bustling city he grew up in, or the other urban jungle he had lived the past five years of his life, he deemed his new home, the epitome of the middle of nowhere.

It was completely unfamiliar and by some psychological consequence to Levi, it was too far flung from his old life for Levi to even entertain anything about his old life, beyond work. So it became easier to take a more pragmatic approach at reminiscing.

A few months into his transfer, he had even started reading articles on Zeke and Hange again.

Billionaire Zeke Jaeger finalizes divorce would Mood Alarm founder Hange Zoe.

Then the comments section:

That was fast.

I knew it, Zoe’s a gold digger.

There was the string of names, whore, sluts, cheaters and gold diggers that never made too much sense as sentences. So Levi quickly closed the tab.

You actually did it. He thought to himself. And when he thought a little longer about it, he realized he did feel happy for her.

Happy? Sad? Disappointed? Out of curiosity, he opened his own mood alarm and clicked activate. It glowed with a bright green.

He could have been happier.

Levi decided to blame the sky for his fickle mood. That grey view that stretched far unimpeded by any of the surrounding low rising buildings, only ending by the mountains that seemed hundreds of miles away.

The surrounding mountains and the large lake followed him to work. An overly scenic landscape that reminded him, the train back to the capital only came once a day, the train that passed through the next major city only passed three times a day.

And fucking hell, train tickets were expensive.

By some modern day definition, Levi really was trapped in the middle of nowhere.

The weather only made him more cynical, yet angrier at the tasteless comments under the news article on Zeke and Hange’s divorce. As he neared the research center, he ended up tabling that reflection with one sentence, something comforting yet oddly depressing.

Hange wouldn’t look for me. Then he brushed it away violently soon after. The audacity of even considering the prospect that he was important enough for her to want to search for him. Why would Hange care where he is?

The fact that Hange was followed by the press while he was trapped in the middle of nowhere was indicative enough. They were from two completely different worlds.

***

It may have taken months more, but what Levi clocked to a ‘bout of wanderlust’ eventually settled. He found, keeping himself busy with the right work had done wonders to placate the turmoil inside him.

Keeping busy somehow made it easier to sit up and get ready for work. It meant managing to desensitize his own moods to the weather around him.

Most importantly, it meant seeing some connection with the world, some sliver of motivation to go the extra mile with the people who worked with.

“Early as always, Ackerman.” Same greeting everyday.

“Morning to you too, Onyankopon,” Levi responded as he entered the irsmall office.

Onyankopon was a companion  duringearly in the mornings, lunch times, late afternoons and sometimes, even the dinners when he would invite Levi out for a drink in the only bar for miles around.

Still, it made life remotely eventful when the only changing things had been the weather and his work.

And his work was very eventful.

“Uncle Levi! Did you find any bugs yesterday?” Just like every other morning, the two kids would burst through the door. Or more specifically, the brunette was always the one bursting through the door, the blonde just followed.

“Gaby, you might be bothering them,” Falco said. He said that at least three times a week.

Levi had never been the type anyway to tell them he didn’t mind their morning visits. It always meant something to look forward to.

“Nothing so far,” Levi said. He looked towards Onyakopon, the one in charge of reporting issues. “Hopefully.”

Onyankopon raised his hands in defense. “Don’t get mad at me, get mad at the devs who created the mood alarm in the first place."

Levi was constantly mad at the devs anyway, if he considered that constant state of self loathing. Working on the mood alarm as support had only made Levi realize how many shortcuts he had taken into making that damn application years ago.

“There’s nothing today,” Levi said as he looked at the two kids. “But I could give you a quick lesson,” he added. He couldn’t say no to the crestfallen faces of the two kids.

He dragged one seat next to him and guided Gaby to one of them and Falco to his own seat. “When I want to look for errors in the code, I look here first.” It was a terribly boring lesson, a useless one. Support 101. At the least, the kids seemed satisfied. “If I right click here, and then inspect, I can see what this website is made out of.”

Gaby let out a breath, a mix between a ‘wow’ and an ‘oh.’ “I can’t read it.”

“It’s another language,” Levi explained. “Computers don’t understand our language. So we have to learn another language to be able to talk to them. And when we’re able to tell them what we want, they’ll do things for us, things we can’t do ourselves.”

Gaby had asked more questions after that. Falco had asked his own too, albeit hesitantly.

The difference between the network and console tabs, the meanings of the strange brackets, what happens if they just aimlessly click…

That morning session ended with less than half the questions answered, and a promise to teach them more the next morning. Like every other day before, at eight in the morning, Onyankopon brought them to the activity room and Levi was left alone in the office.

There weren’t many people in the research center, only five employees in total. After all, there were only ten to twenty kids who came and went every day, a very manageable number for five people. He and Onyankopon shared an office and with Onyankopon busy a good chunk of the day, Levi was left alone.

With his own efficient working methods and his outstanding ability to quickly pick out the bugs, Levi was usually free for a cumulated five hours a day.

When he first started working there, his five hour long breaks consisted of reading novels or whatever stupid article came up on his timeline. He could have taken longer breaks yet chose to spend them as short sporadic bouts of inactivity

By spreading out periods of inactivity, Levi managed to somehow pacify the guilt at ‘doing nothing’ while being paid for the eight hours a day. There were times, it was strong, remnants maybe of his stint with the love alarm, barely taking leaves, willingly putting him through the pain of overtime.

Some days, they were particularly strong, sometimes incomprehensible that Levi suspected they could have been related to the burning curiosity, the burning attachment to his own application that never abated.

A burning attachment, a natural need to be productive eventually resulted in sporadic bouts of unproductivity spent just testing the mood alarm all for a brief look into his own emotions.

Even when he wasn’t feeling anything in particular, the application continued to glow colors, just flitting between greens and blues. They could have been yellows or oranges maybe, when Onyankopon or Gabi or Falco visited. He had never been the type to wear his heart on his sleeve though and thus, had never opened it with them around.

That day wasn’t any different. Alone in the office, he opened it again, held it in his hands and watched the colored blobs swim amongst each other, mix amongst one another, then disappear.

Blue or Green? That day it was blue. Why blue and why not green? He could never ask. ‘How’ was always an easier question to answer. He only had to connect his phone to the PC then boot up the dashboard.

His next break, he decided to try a visualization exercise, like every other time before.

Memories never seemed to do the trick. He’d take a risk and dive deep, into his memories with Hange, his anger at the situation, the loss of a life before. Yet it all came out greens and blues. The alarm rang, an almost deafening sound in the silent room and for a split second, it had Levi attentive and a little paranoid. Levi knew though, with the thick concrete walls around him, it was a sound just for him.

He connected his phone to the dashboard and booted the PC again.

There were numbers. He switched to a bar graph view, noting how there were terms, hormones and chemicals he could only barely make sense of. But the blue and the green bars higher than usual yet still very low were signs in themselves.

That morning was a normal morning. And every morning since he built that habit had been a normal morning.

The only thing which ended up different about that day was when footsteps sounded just outside the door. If Levi had been listening closely, he would have been able to point out, those weren't a rhythm of footsteps he was particularly privy too.

But normal mornings tended to desensitize people. Footsteps weren’t particularly interesting either.

In a town with only a few hundred people, it would most likely be someone who already lived there. He continued to work. He disconnected his phone from the dashboard and played with the mood alarm in his own phone again.

The door clicked open behind him, slowly enough for the creak to sound, then fast enough for the slam to come right after yet gently.

Onyankopon always opened the door a little wider, always slamming the door behind him and in between, there was always a greeting. If Levi had been more aware of his surroundings, maybe the lack of all that could have peaked his interest.

In the grand scheme of things though, the door slamming wasn’t anything particularly interesting. Levi continued to sit and stare at his phone.

“Levi Ackerman.”

A voice in an empty room though, was always an interesting thing. By some natural inclination towards voices, any presence in a room that was always his by mid morning, Levi was listening.

Making sense of the voice was a surprisingly slow process. The mood alarm reacted first.

The alarm sounded.

A wave climbed from his chest up until his neck, there was a bristle at the back of his neck, a tickle at his ears, then something pricked at his eyes. He looked down at the alarm before he could completely understand. The colors continued to swim then mix.

They always disappeared and finalized the reading in five seconds.

A second or two passed, and the colors still didn’t look at all in a hurry to disappear.

You’re going crazy Levi. He took a deep breath. He was dreaming. Because what the fuck. Of course she wouldn’t be here. She had an international company to run.

“Levi…” The voice sang. “That’s you right?”

Don’t look back.

“Or maybe there are just a lot of developers named Levi in this world… “ The footsteps were only getting closer. “Developers who are just really good at using the mood alarm.” Then the voice was right next to him.

When she had settled on that seat right at his peripherals, he couldn’t exactly chalk it up to a fevered dream. The mood alarm in his hands continued to ring. He could have sworn at least five seconds had passed. Yet the colors never disappeared, countless colors still swimming around on the interface as the mood alarm continued to read his emotions.

Levi had never been a master of articulation. The war of colors, the chaos on the phone were the best visual representation. He struggled to find the right words, but she continued to stare from his peripherals, her face many things at once.

Apologetic? Expectant?

“It is you,” she said, triumph and relief apparent in her tone.

That only pissed Levi off more. Another emotion added to his boiling pot. Eventually Levi thought it necessary to respond. With too little time, too little mindspace to even attempt to articulate, Levi kept himself to three words, the only three which could have meant everything at once.

“What the fuck.”

In response, she let out a soft laugh. “Are you crying?”

Crying? Now that Levi did think about it, there had been a crack in her voice too. Levi looked up to see her, smiling. Her eyes were smiling too. Then he followed the tear streak that barely grazed the side of her lip.

There was enough time, enough silence for Levi to gather himself. To stare at the reading on the application that couldn’t seem to decide what emotion Levi was feeling.

With enough self discipline, enough concentration, Levi managed to speak. “Hange, if you ask people why they’re crying, you’re just gonna make it worse.”

***

There was only one tea shop in the town, a tea shop which naturally, Levi had chosen as his favorite hang out spot.

Over the months, he had grown familiar with it and in turn, it had grown to become an intimate friend. An intimate friend he had never expected to ever introduce to Hange.

Onyankopon and Moblit had joined them for tea though, and suddenly, Hange didn’t feel like Hange. It could have been the way she shifted to an ‘all business’ demeanor or maybe a part of him was still trying to rationalize what he had deemed to be a very irrational thought.

Maybe he had imagined visiting the cafe with Hange a few times. The realist inside him though, had always believed it to be impossible. At that moment, the dreamer inside him was still taking its victory lap.

“You should have told us you’d be coming. We could have set up something better than late afternoon tea,” Onyankopon said. Either way, he seemed very happy to see them.

Moblit took a sip from his cup then revealed an apologetic smile underneath as he put the cup down. “Apologies for visiting all of a sudden. Doctor Zoe is a very impulsive person.”

Hange nodded. “I hope you don’t mind. As soon as I heard about this, I hopped on the next plane just to get here as soon as possible,” she said “I’m hoping to start something like this in the hospitals back home.”

Moblit put his cup down. “Right, I never got to properly introduce you to Levi.” He turned to Onyankopon then to Levi. “But I’m sure you’ve had a fair share of introductions… You did barge into his office this morning.” He had an apologetic look on his face.

“Hey, Doctor Zoe just wanted to see how we were using the software,” Onyankopon said in Hange’s defense. “I’m more than honored to see that the founder of the mood alarm is taking the time to even wander around our facility.”

Moblit cleared his throat. “Anyway, Levi, this is Doctor Hange Zoe, the founder of the mood alarm application. She visited our main hospital a year back but if I remember correctly, you were on leave right?”

“On a personal leave,” Levi clarified. He couldn’t find much else to say. He took a long sip of tea.

“This is Levi Ackerman,” Moblit said. “One of our best in IT support. He learned how to use your application pretty fast.”

“Yes…” Hange said. “And ever since you told me about him, I’ve been very excited to meet him.” Her grin only got wider as she studied his features, her eyes giving him a good once over. “I guess that’s the reason I ended up taking my own tour of the center while you too were catching up. I wanted to see your genius IT support in action,” she joked.

It was almost unbelievable that that morning, Hange had showed a completely different side to him. She had wiped her own tears pretty fast, shifting her expression to something very professional as soon as Onyankopon and Moblit had entered the office just that morning.

The whole afternoon, Hange was busy with activities and tours of the town, Levi busy with his own work. They barely got to talk. Fortunately, that had allowed Levi time to compose himself, enough to keep a straight face when Onyankopon had invited them over for some tea.

Then and there, there were conversations of partnerships and business, almost reminiscent to whatever bullshit he had to deal with in his old company. But this conversation had Hange, and Hange had shifted her gaze towards him enough times for Levi to feel it only proper to reciprocate.

“Once this project is over, would you consider letting Levi go?” Hange asked. “I’d love to have him visit our main office, maybe help out with some of our development work.”

Moblit shook his head vigorously. “No hesitation. It always felt like he was overqualified for this type of job.”

“By the way you talk about him, I can tell.” She looked at Levi knowingly, a silent form of communication just between both of them. She turned back to Moblit then Onyankopon, her face once again all business. “There are many things I hope to still improve with this application so any support on research, troubleshooting, development is very much appreciated.”

“What do you suggest?” Moblit asked.

A quick glance at Onyankopon and Levi knew he was asking the same question.

Hange put one finger to her chin in thought “A partnership…”

It looked like they had expected Hange to talk Levi’s ear off non stop about the application. Moblit had mentioned something about going straight home while Hange discussed the partnership with Levi, mentioning bugs, the debugger that had been stuck in the system and the bugs which Levi had been quick to point out.

Levi, being respectful, had only listened.

That was until Onyankopon and Moblit offered to walk ahead, leaving Levi and Hange alone on the red brick road overlooking the large lake.

It was early in the evening but it still felt like late afternoon. The sun never set until seven or eight during the mid months of spring.

Yet, the streets was empty, bereft of anything but the both of them.

With one quick scan of their surroundings, Hange turned back to him, she bit her lip and took a deep breath.

Her demeanor was suddenly a stark contrast with the enthusiastic, eloquent one back at a cafe. The sudden transformation was enough for Levi to tense up,

Hange spoke up. “This town really sleeps early,” she commented. “You're planning on going home now too?”

“I usually go home an hour earlier, especially on weekdays,” Levi responded. “I’m only out at this time because they invited me for late afternoon tea.” Technically it was dinner.

“Do you go home….” Hange started, she paused for a second, a very out-of-place pause. “To anyone?”

It took a lot of effort for Levi to resist choking or even letting out a ghost of a laugh at that question. I’m married to my job. That was the answer that popped into his mind out of instinct.

“Did I make it time?” Hange added a second later, only reminding Levi that he hadn’t even mustered a glimmer of answer.

“Make it in time?” Levi asked, in an attempt to stall for time.

“Petra…”

“She married Oluo.”

Hange didn’t seem satisfied. “Is there someone else…” she pressed. “Someone else...”

Hange started to speak with her hands, gesturing for Levi to ‘go on,’ in some awkward wave of a hand. The first awkward gesture Hange had done since they arrived.

Levi couldn’t help but just appreciate that bout of vulnerability he could pull out of her. “There is,” he said.

Just for a second, Hange’s face fell and for a moment Levi relished it.

“Oh…” Hange turned away. “Then, I should take you home… I’d love to meet her…”

Then suddenly, Levi felt just a little bad for that trick. “I was fucking kidding,” he said.

Hange let out a loud sigh of relief, an ugly huff and she looked away, suddenly self conscious.

Levi had to admit, it was an ugly snort. He was tempted to take a good look at her face, and maybe he had craned his neck as she kept silent for a second longer. “I’m not some idiot who would marry someone just because it’s convenient," he said.

“Give me a break. I just graduated from college when I decided to get married,” Hange said. “Besides, we enjoyed each other’s company.”

“If you chose that type of life, I wouldn’t have stopped you. Besides, you had a lot on the line, your PhD, your mood alarm, the love alarm, your reputation. It wouldn’t have been easy choice to make.”

Hange hummed. “The PhD is done, my reputation, I don’t give too much of a rat’s ass about that. And the mood alarm? That has always been mine. I put my own money into building that business.”

“It definitely wasn’t cheap.”

“It wasn’t,” Hange admitted. “What if I told you, I earned my own capital for building it in one night in a casino.”

Levi's thoughts flew back to the night at the casino. He grinned. “I’d believe you.”

“So the mood alarm is mine and I managed to keep it,” Hange said. “But I never forgot you know... The plans, the codes, they’re all yours.”

“So you did get the email,” Levi said.

Hange nodded. “And the email got me thinking…” she trailed off for what seemed like an eternity.

Levi couldn’t wait. “About what?”

Hange thought for a few seconds longer, putting her hands behind her back. “That ended up one reason why I even considered leaving Zeke,” she said. “He has a different way of loving, I have a different one too. Love is freedom. Love is just trusting. Zeke on the other hand, always likes to play safe, tie people down.”

“What happened to ‘love is a choice?’”

Hange seemed unperturbed. “Love still is a choice.”

“Then why not choose to love Zeke?” Levi challenged.

Hange sighed and put one hand up. “You said it yourself, deciding to leave wouldn’t be an easy decision,” she started. “I considered three things.”

She put one finger up. “Our own views of love. Zeke sees it as a game, as an investment and he approaches it conservatively… On the other hand, I see love and relationships as a form of freedom, a risk. In love, I don't believe in playing to win.”

She put another finger up. “I considered how I was feeling, this really weird feeling, my thoughts on Pemberley then on colors.”

“I thought you didn’t want to be a slave to your emotions.”

Hange shook her head. “I’m not. I approached this methodically. Even before considering my feelings, I considered my circumstances.” She put the third finger up. “I considered the backlash, I considered Zeke’s feelings, dealing with a divorce. And that’s what brought me here, despite the criticism, despite my inability to buy the love alarm and to barely salvage the mood alarm.”

“You still gave in to your emotions.”

Hange nodded. “After thinking long and hard about it, I did. But before that, I weighed all three, and I decided to take the risk.”

“Was it worth it?”

Hange shrugged and she leaned over the rail, seeming mesmerized by the lake. “I won’t know yet but I guess, even when I thought you had someone else…” There was a flash of hurt on her face, enough for Levi to regret playing that little joke on her.

“I don’t have anyone else,” Levi clarified.

Hange continued to speak. “I still thought the risk was worth taking. It would have been unfair to Zeke if I stayed and who am I to stop you if someone makes you feel happy.” She turned back to him. “This is the way I’ll choose to love. I’ll weigh my emotions, my circumstances and my worst case scenarios. Then I decide the most loving thing to do. If I have to take a risk, I take it. And I guess, given all that, looking for you seemed like the correct decision.”

Levi couldn’t stifle that smile any longer, and he hoped somehow, his own words would stop it from getting any wider. “Well, it's too early to tell if it's a good decision.”

Hange opened her phone and opened the application. “Can we try again?”

“You wanna use the love alarm?” Levi asked. “Your ex-husband’s application.”

“It’s still your brainchild,” Hange said as she waited for it to load. She hovered her thumb over it.

“I don’t have it installed,” Levi said.

“I can wait,” Hange said. And there was no room for argument in her voice.

An awkward few minutes as Hange watched him download the application. Levi focused on the loading bar, and luckily, his biometrics were still registered from that brief experiment of a year ago.

“On three…” Hange said, her voice a little stilted.

But they didn’t finish counting or maybe they just counted at completely different paces.

The alarms rang, filling the empty space between them, two rings which never seemed to find a uniform pace. Even with a very dominant fastidious side though, Levi wasn’t thinking too much about such a small detail.

Hange’s was smiling, grinning, or whatever that was called. Her face was a mix between pure ecstasy and pure passion. She wrinkled her eyes at him, her mouth climbed into a grin wider than he had ever been used to.

She let out a loud sigh. “I was fucking scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“That you would have gotten over me… I dunno, thought you might just think love was a choice, and I dunno, stop feeling whatever that love alarm thing was feeling.”

“I don’t think the love alarm works like that,” Levi said. Really, he started to realize he didn’t know how it worked.

Hange shook her head. “I’m probably just overthinking. You know… I learned how to code over the years, talked to a few developers and tried to look into how the application works,” she said.

“Did you find anything?”

“Remember when you told me that the love alarm starts to figure out for its own what love is. It creates its own definition. Something we can’t even comprehend...” Hange was still grinning, her voice coming out as breaths and sometimes sounds.

Still, Levi could comprehend most of it. “You have any theories?” he pressed. Hange always had theories.

“Soulmates? Relationships in a past life?” Hange suggested.

“Well, we can’t really look back at those right?” Levi said. “Well, what else?”

One word, one word out of Hange’s mouth. “Pemberley.”

“Pemberley?” Levi asked. Somehow though as Hange looked back at the lake, up at the sky then at the gaudy main street of that small town. Levi started to understand it himself.

“It’s ugly here,” Levi said. At first he had meant it. As Hange started to look at her surroundings then back at the lake, with a look of wonder in her eyes, Levi was sure he had meant it as a challenge.

“When you’re in love then with the person we love, everywhere starts to feel like Pemberley,” Hange completed a second later.

Does it? And he wondered why the hell, he needed Hange to point it out.

They were in an ugly town, a place people were paid to live in. The sky was constantly overcast. When it wasn’t raining, it was snowing and it snowed six months a year. When it wasn’t snowing or raining, the sky was at least threatening it.

The way that Hange had looked at it with such naive wonder, the way she had just stood there, looking at everything and back at him, Levi couldn’t help but entertain the idea of Pemberley.

Maybe give the colors a chance to show themselves? Hange didn’t say it out loud. In the moment they made eye contact though, Levi couldn’t help but just give that little piece of advice a chance, whether it had been his own or Hange’s.

He looked first at the main road and the red brick path, noting how the gaudy red, worn by the elements more than actual foot traffic seemed to still glow a bright red despite the grey undertones. He then looked to the buildings, varying shades of concrete grey yet ‘the varying shades’ of it seemed to still have some sense of novelty.

He then looked back at the ocean, the dark sky above never allowed it a more beautiful shade of blue, yet the bluish black still continued to glow. The waves only sent glimmers of silver against the dark blue. Then it was only natural that he looked up at the sky, the sky which never allowed any other shade for itself, except on a few select days a year.

The fog blocked whatever green the mountains beyond the lake would have shown him.

Looking back at Hange then back at his surroundings, he started to accept it. There were greens, reds, blues, yellows and every other color in the spectrum. The world glowed with so many colors, so many lights and sounds. His emotions were a whirlwind that spun to whatever rhythm the lights and colors blinked at.

Colors persevered and they’ve always persevered.

Emotions persevered and they’ve always persevered.

Even emotions we don’t understand ourselves. Levi added to himself.

Maybe Hange was right. That was what the love alarm had been trying to show. The one person who made the colors, the emotions all the clearer.

“This is a beautiful place,” Hange said. “And I wouldn’t mind staying here, lay low a bit, just long enough for people to forget the divorce fiasco.”

“There are a few nice places here,” Levi said.

Hange continued to stare.

Why don’t we just live here together right Levi?

I know you, you wouldn’t be able to stay out of the action.

Levi felt almost ashamed at that mystery response that seemed to pop into his head out of nowhere. We can live here long enough to get our shit together. "First things first, let’s discuss this partnership, over tea in my house.”

“Now?” Hange’s widened her eyes. And her eyes were smiling.

“Well, unless you have other plans tonight,” Levi said.

Hange shook her head. “Nothing much…”

They made the whole way back to his home in silence. Surprisingly, Levi preferred it that way. It had been enough for him to appreciate his new comprehension of his surroundings, the small details he hadn't noticed before.

It wasn’t just the view. The rhythm of their footsteps, their uncoordinated breathing, and just the way the trees rustled, the wind blew, always found a way to glow different colors. His emotions, the chaos of every moment after that were also challenging him to find their colors.

And the circumstances that had them locked in his cramped apartment, sitting over tea, with no one else watching, nothing restricting them had Levi reflecting. It probably had Hange reflecting too. They spoke unhindered with just thoughts, expressions and locked gazes.

For one reason or the other, it happened quickly and abruptly, leaving no space or time to comprehend it.

Sitting on his living room sofa right next to her. Hands clasped against the other. Her dry lips were on his.

The magic welling in his chest, the thunder that climbed quickly up his throat, persevering even underneath the grey. They were all screaming at him then, they all glowed colors.

At that moment though, he had been to tired to reflect on it for any longer. He decided to just roll with it.

It was no use making sense of it. After all, life, love and emotions... They were all just complicated that way.

[allie1804-fan]

New Beginnings (Chapter 7)

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New Beginnings Baby Drabble

New Beginnings Baby Drabble No2

Warnings : mentions of loss, grieving and some explicit content

For the first few days Emily convalesced after the surgery and they didn’t leave home.  They had only told a few people about the pregnancy (Keanu’s mum, her parents, Karina, Chloe) but so far Karina was the only one who knew what had happened. 

She’d obviously told their mother and had offered to make the other calls but Keanu said he’d do it. 4 days later he still hadn’t faced up to it. He didn’t quite know how to form the words in his mouth. Just thinking about it made his stomach churn and brought the trauma of this loss AND of his daughter over 20 years before back in living colour. The hospital rooms, the doctors’ words.  

Emily was facing similar struggles. She spent most of the time in bed but restful sleep was hard to come by and she too kept reliving the pain and the shock of discovering the pregnancy wasn’t viable.

Toward the end of the week he was forced to deal with it though. They were dozing in bed at just after 9 when Emily’s phone rang.

“What?” he heard her whisper as she listened to the voice on the phone.

“No, I’m not there because my baby is dead” she hissed.

He reached over and grabbed the phone from her realising what must have happened. They had been due to go for the first scan that morning but somehow the system hadn’t caught up with the obstetrics department to let them know about the ectopic pregnancy.

“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing calling here?”  he berated the poor woman on the phone, don’t you have proper communication channels, it’s been 4 days!”  

Emily could hear the beginnings of a flustered apology from the woman but it was quickly cut off as Keanu ended the call,  immediately feeling terrible for unleashing his anger on someone whose fault it clearly wasn’t.

He sat up and sighed, pulling Emily to his chest.

“I’m gonna have to make those calls today. Chloe and your mum will be expecting us to check in”

Emily just sniffed acknowledging that this was the next step they had to take.

“Can we go back to the counsellor” she asked “I think we probably need some help dealing with this ……….. rage.”

“yeah, I’ll call her too. If I don’t I’m just gonna hurt someone or something!”

Chloe got a taxi over as soon as she heard the news, leaving Rosie and Jamie with John. She couldn’t drive yet because of having a C-section but she didn’t want to wait to offer some comfort to one of her oldest friends.  When she got there, she just climbed into bed with Emily, wrapped her arms around her and held her friend, letting her cry it out.

OCTOBER

The next 3 months had been tough and sometimes just one day seemed to pass agonisingly slowly but gradually their lives felt like they were getting back on track. Accepting that they’d likely never have their own biological children was a harsh reality to face especially when close friends like Chloe and John had already completed their families, watching their children grow and take on their physical and personality traits.

Babysitting for  Chloe and John had been one of the biggest milestones they’d faced along the way. The image of Emily sitting on the sofa at Chloe and John’s house giving Rosie her bedtime bottle was seared into Keanu’s mind, making him remember the day Emily had held Jake and felt the pull inside to have her own child. They’d talked the idea through with the counsellor before offering to babysit. It almost felt like doing it would cauterise a wound. The counsellor had explained that while confronting their loss in the form of baby Rosie might feel like it would burn them too deeply, it was one way of facing the pain full on. The alternative was boxing it up and not letting it breathe and Keanu remembered doing just that after Ava. The only way his sadness and rage has made itself known for years was through acting. Otherwise it had been boxed away into his early 40s and when he did face it, its power after 6 years surprised and terrified him. He was determined not to do the same this  time

The fact that they were no longer trying helped as did the fact that their time thinking she was pregnant was so brief.  At least she hadn’t started to really think about when the baby was due and the future in too much detail. Having known friends who’d been through loss before, she knew that building a little dream future only to lose it was often the hardest part. Still, they were still letting go of a precious dream and some days that pain hit either one of them like a ton of bricks.

Another aspect of life that helped the clouds to lift was that each had exciting new projects coming up that were going to keep them very busy. In anticipation of having no more free time, they booked a trip back to Italy.  First came a week in Capri visiting Keanu’s sister Kim and then another week back in Taormina Sicily.

They had a wonderful time despite Emily being laid low for a couple of days with a stomach flu but she made a swift recovery and they were able to enjoy their time visiting their favourite restaurant again and discovering historical sites that they’d missed on their first visit.

They ended their trip in what was becoming a sort of tradition with them – a whole morning in bed where Keanu dedicated himself to bringing her to multiple orgasms before finally taking her to the edge of heaven, burying himself deep inside her.

They vowed to take each day as it came, enjoy their work, live in the moment  and love each other.

On her return Emily planned to get a coil fitted so she could stop using hormones and be secure with her birth control until she no longer needed it. After the ectopic pregnancy they’d used condoms briefly and then she’d restarted the pill. For the trip, Emily had deliberately left no gap between 2 courses of the pill towards the end of their holiday to avoid spoiling it with a period. Once she was back she could visit her gynaecologist and move forward.

A couple of weeks after their return to LA, Emily had her appointment about the coil. She explained her circumstances to the nurse who was sympathetic about what she’d gone through. The work up involved some blood tests, a smear and a pregnancy test just to be sure especially since she hadn’t had a period for almost 6 weeks by then. They made a follow up appointment for the following week with Keanu too since she recommended they have a chat with a counsellor before the coil fitting, just to make sure this was the best route for them as a couple. The coil would usually stay in place for a minimum of 5 years and since they’d had a relatively recent loss, they were a little cautious.

The next week they were madly rushing to squeeze in the appointment then run on to a training session for Keanu and a writers’ room for Emily.

The doctor came into the consulting room to Emily’s surprise as she was expecting the counsellor or nurse she’d seen the week before to just run through the results and check in that Keanu agreed with their course of action.

“So, I have the results of your tests here and they mean we won’t be progressing with the coil fitting today”

Emily huffed a little, irritated that this whole procedure was becoming far less straightforward than she’d expected.

“Why not, what’s wrong?”

Actually nothing is wrong at all …… our tests indicate that you’re pregnant”

Their mouths fell simultaneously agape and they looked at each other in shock”

“that can’t be right, I’ve been on birth control ………….” Emily stammered. She was surprised to find herself less than pleased with this news. She squeezed Keanu’s hand as a wave of fear rushed through her. She wanted a baby so much but being pregnant had become inextricably linked with loss and despair.

Keanu’s thoughts were much the same – after all, as far as he knew, he’d got two women pregnant in his life and both times had ended in disaster.

“What birth control have you been using?”

“For the past 3 months I’ve been on the pill and I took 2 packets consecutively  recently as we went on holiday”

“And have you had any stomach upsets or been on any other medication such as antibiotics?”

Emily started to shake her head but then Keanu tugged her hand

“you had that stomach flu in Italy, remember, you were throwing up for a couple of days ……. His voice drifted off and the doctor grinned

“That will likely be the reason” he said “the pill was probably not absorbed into the bloodstream when you were sick causing it to fail.  It’s a very common mistake not to realise your birth control is compromised when that happens. Well why don’t we take a look to check what’s going on” he said beckoning Emily over to the consulting table.  “We want to be sure everything is in the right place given your last pregnancy was ectopic.”

Still in shock, Emily lay on the table and eased her trousers down to reveal her flat belly.  The doctor  rubbed on the cold jelly and pulled over the wand of the ultrasound machine.

Keanu felt light-headed.  He realised he’d probably been holding his breath since the doctor started explaining how come she might be pregnant. He blew out his breath slowly, eyes fixed on the screen.

The screen showed the cone shape image in white generated by the ultrasound waves and within it the black oval shape of Emily’s womb came into view.

“There it is” the doctor declared happily while Keanu and Emily both stared wondering what on earth he was taking about. Then he helped them, pointing to a little peanut shape within the dark circle whose image seemed to flash on an off.

“There, that’s it, do you see now?”

“Yeah but why does it keep disappearing? Keanu asked

“That’s its heart beating – I always think of it like a little lighthouse flashing to tell you it’s still there”

“So it’s in the right place, not ectopic this time” Emily asked, her voice wavering.

“Everything looks perfect” he smiled reassuringly at them both. “I tell you what, why don’t I just give you a minute alone. If you keep holding the wand right there you can watch your baby and get used to the idea. I guess it’s quite a shock”

“I’ll say” Keanu muttered softly.

As the door closed behind the doctor, Emily just stared at Keanu

“Oh my god this is …”

“unbelievable” he finished her sentence

“mmmm” she nodded

“I don’t think I’m gonna make my writers room” she laughed

“nor me my training” he agreed.

They turned and looked at the monitor again and sure enough there was the little flickering peanut letting them know it was there.

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New Beginnings Baby Drabble

New Beginnings Baby Drabble No2

[newstfionline]

Headlines

Images of brutality against Black people spur racial trauma (AP) Since Wanda Johnson’s son was shot and killed by a police officer in Oakland, California, 11 years ago, she has watched video after video of similar encounters between Black people and police. Each time, she finds herself reliving the trauma of losing her son, Oscar Grant, who was shot to death by a transit police officer. Most recently, Johnson couldn’t escape the video of George Floyd, pinned to the ground under a Minneapolis officer’s knee as he pleaded that he couldn’t breathe. “I began to shake. I was up for two days, just crying,” she said. “Just looking at that video opened such a wound in me that has not completely closed.” Johnson’s loss was extreme, but, for many Black Americans, her grief and pain feels familiar. Psychologists call it racial trauma—the distress experienced because of the accumulation of racial discrimination, racial violence or institutional racism. While it can affect anyone who faces repeated prejudice, in this moment, its impact on Black people is drawing particular attention. The unfortunate irony is that the very tool that may be helping to make more people aware of the racism and violence that Black and other people of color face is also helping to fuel their trauma.

Critics question `less lethal’ force used during protests (AP) When a participant at a rally in Austin to protest police brutality threw a rock at a line of officers in the Texas capital, officers responded by firing beanbag rounds—ammunition that law enforcement deems “less lethal” than bullets. A beanbag cracked 20-year-old Justin Howell’s skull and, according to his family, damaged his brain. Adding to the pain, police admit the Texas State University student wasn’t the intended target. Pressure has mounted for a change in police tactics since Howell was injured. He was not accused of any crime. He was hospitalized in critical condition on May 31 and was discharged Wednesday to a long-term rehabilitation facility for intensive neurological, physical and occupational therapy. His brother has questioned why no one is talking about police use of less lethal but still dangerous munitions. “If we only talk about policing in terms of policies and processes or the weapons that police use when someone dies or when they are ‘properly lethal’ and not less lethal, we’re missing a big portion of the conversation,” said Josh Howell, a computer science graduate student at Texas A&M University. The growing use of less lethal weapons is “cause for grave concern” and may sometimes violate international law, said Agnes Callamard, director of Global Freedom of Expression at Columbia University and a U.N. adviser.From 1990 to 2014, projectiles caused 53 deaths and 300 permanent disabilities among 1,984 serious injuries recorded by medical workers in over a dozen countries.

Coronavirus Global Death Toll Passes 500,000 (Foreign Policy) The coronavirus pandemic, about to enter its fifth month this week reached two grim milestones over the weekend: More than 10 million people have been infected with the virus and over 500,000 have died of it. Europe has seen the most deaths of any continent, although its overall caseload is declining. The situation in the Americas is more concerning: Two countries—the United States and Brazil—account for roughly 35 percent of all COVID-19 deaths worldwide and both countries are still seeing new cases in the tens of thousands daily.

Virus hits college towns (NYT) The community around the University of California, Davis, used to have a population of 70,000 and a thriving economy. Rentals were tight. Downtown was jammed. Hotels were booked months in advance for commencement. Students swarmed to the town’s bar crawl, sampling the trio of signature cocktails known on campus as “the Davis Trinity.” Then came the coronavirus. When the campus closed in March, an estimated 20,000 students and faculty left town. With them went about a third of the demand for goods and services, from books to bikes to brunches. Fall classes will be mostly remote, the university announced last week, with “reduced density” in dorms. Efforts to stem the pandemic have squeezed local economies across the nation, but the threat is starting to look existential in college towns. Communities that have evolved around campuses are confronting not only Covid-19 but also major losses in population, revenue and jobs.

Band’s pandemic diversion leads to every-night gig in park (AP) What started as a way for two musicians to get out of the house during the pandemic has turned into nightly concerts at the boathouse in Brooklyn’s Prospect Park—with fans who expect them to play three to four hours a night, seven nights a week. “One day I came here with my guitar out of nowhere, to just get some fresh air. And people just started coming over. And then they were like, ‘Thank you!’ And then it took a life on its own,” said Alegba Jahyile, leader of Alegba and Friends. Jahyile, a Haitian raised in New York who plays guitar, drums and bass, recalled a woman who cried at one concert. “You made my day,” she told him. “It’s been a terrible week for me and my family. Listening to you, singing, I felt the joy, I found a little bit of serenity, of peace to my day.” The area has steps that are good for sitting. It’s also adjacent to a grassy hill where people can bring children and dogs, spread blankets, plop down lounge chairs, and picnic while listening to the music.

World Food Program warns of ‘devastating’ pandemic impact in low- and middle-income countries (Washington Post) The World Food Program (WFP) warned Monday that the socioeconomic repercussions of the coronavirus pandemic will be “devastating” and could trigger food shortages for millions of residents of low- and middle-income nations. In the countries in which the organization operates, the number of people suffering from hunger is estimated to rise by more than 80 percent by the end of 2020, in comparison with pre-coronavirus times. Latin America and Africa are among the most heavily impacted areas. “This unprecedented crisis requires an unprecedented response. If we do not respond rapidly and effectively to this viral threat, the outcome will be measured in an unconscionable loss of life, and efforts to roll back the tide of hunger will be undone,” WFP Director David Beasley was quoted as saying in a release. “Until the day we have a medical vaccine, food is the best vaccine against chaos.”

Iceland’s president wins second term (Foreign Policy) Icelandic President Gundi Johannesson won a second term on Saturday in a landslide victory. Johanneson won 92 percent of the vote, while his right wing challenger Gudmundur Franklin Jonsson received just 7 percent of the vote. The Icelandic presidency is a largely symbolic post, although the president can exercise veto power over legislation.

Britons are fatter than most in the rest of Europe, says PM Johnson (Reuters) British Prime Minister Boris Johnson said on Monday Britons were significantly fatter than people in most of the rest of Europe, admitting he had lost weight after contracting the novel coronavirus. Speaking to Times Radio, Johnson said: “I have taken a very libertarian stance on obesity but actually when you look at the numbers, when you look at the pressure on the NHS (National Health Service), compare, I’m afraid this wonderful country of ours to other European countries, we are significantly fatter than most others, apart from the Maltese for some reason. It is an issue.” “Everybody knows that this is a tough one, but I think it’s something we all need to address.” Johnson did some press ups to show he was “as fit as a butcher’s dog” in an interview with the Mail on Sunday newspaper, just months after he fought for his life in hospital against the coronavirus.

French court convicts former PM Fillon of embezzling public funds (Reuters) A French court on Monday found former French Prime Minister Francois Fillon guilty of embezzlement of public funds in a fake jobs scandal that wrecked his 2017 run for president and opened the Elysee Palace door for Emmanuel Macron. A French court on Monday found former French Prime Minister Francois Fillon guilty of embezzlement of public funds in a fake jobs scandal that wrecked his 2017 run for president and opened the Elysee Palace door for Emmanuel Macron.

Hard times even for homeless (Worldcrunch) Speaking to German newspaper Süddeutsche Zeitung, anthropologist Luisa Schneider described one homeless girl she’s followed. “Before the crisis, she was able to study and wash in cafes or libraries. Neither is possible now.” Schneider expects more Germans to sleep on the streets in the coming months. “Many networks have now collapsed. Even homeless people who used to support each other are now losing sight of each other.” In France, government authorities and NGOs were able to accommodate 177,600 people with shelter during the lockdown period, reports Le Monde. The government has invested more than 2 billion euros helping those without homes, including requisitioning 13,300 hotel rooms. Yet France’s emergency phone number for homeless assistance remains overwhelmed, with over 200 calls on average daily and many unable to secure a temporary housing situation. And as the country continues opening up, it is unclear how long the special accommodation period will last.

Polish election (NYT) Polish President Andrzej Duda failed to win enough of the vote in Sunday’s election to avoid a runoff, according to exit polls, forcing him into what is expected to be a tightly fought contest with the liberal mayor of Warsaw Rafal Trzaskowski next month. Although Duda came out ahead on Sunday, analysts expect that to change in the runoff election in two weeks, as opposition voters whose support was split in the first round unite around Trzaskowski.

Russian state exit polls show 76% so far back reforms that could extend Putin rule (Reuters) Russian state opinion pollster VTsIOM said on Monday that its exit polls showed that 76% of Russians had so far voted to support reforms that could allow President Vladimir Putin to extend his rule until 2036. The nationwide vote on constitutional reforms began on June 25 and is being held over seven days as a precaution against the coronavirus pandemic. If approved, the changes would allow Putin to run twice for president again after his current term expires in 2024.

Militants attack Karachi stock exchange, killing at least 3 (AP) Militants attacked the stock exchange in the Pakistani city of Karachi on Monday, killing at least three people—two guards and a policeman, according to police. Special police forces deployed to the scene of the attack and in a swift operation secured the building, killing all four gunmen. There were no reports of any wounded among the brokers and employees inside the exchange and a separatist militant group from a neighboring province later claimed responsibility for the attack.

China forces birth control on Uighurs to suppress population (AP) The Chinese government is taking draconian measures to slash birth rates among Uighurs and other minorities as part of a sweeping campaign to curb its Muslim population, even as it encourages some of the country’s Han majority to have more children. While individual women have spoken out before about forced birth control, the practice is far more widespread and systematic than previously known, according to an AP investigation based on government statistics, state documents and interviews with 30 ex-detainees, family members and a former detention camp instructor. The campaign over the past four years in the far west region of Xinjiang is leading to what some experts are calling a form of “demographic genocide.” The state regularly subjects minority women to pregnancy checks, and forces intrauterine devices, sterilization and even abortion on hundreds of thousands, the interviews and data show. The population control measures are backed by mass detention both as a threat and as a punishment for failure to comply. Having too many children is a major reason people are sent to detention camps, the AP found, with the parents of three or more ripped away from their families unless they can pay huge fines. Police raid homes, terrifying parents as they search for hidden children.

Thailand opens its borders to some (Worldcrunch) Thailand will allow pubs and bars to reopen on Wednesday and plans to let in some foreign travelers after recording five weeks without any community transmission of the coronavirus, a government official said. Pubs, bars and karaoke venues will be able to operate until midnight as long as they follow safety guidelines such as ensuring two-meter spaces between tables. Foreigners with work permits, residency and families in Thailand will also be able to enter the country, but will be subject to a 14-day quarantine. Visitors seeking certain types of medical treatment such as some cosmetic surgery or fertility treatment could also be allowed into the country.

Balcony churches: Kenyans find new ways to worship in lockdown (The Guardian) The children hang over the balcony railings on Sunday morning. In the parking lot below, a four-person band test microphones and practise harmonies. A moment later, the group fills the Mirema apartment complex in Nairobi with music: “I’m happy today, so happy. In Jesus’s name, I’m happy.” The Rev Paul Machira, a tall, slender beanpole of a man with greying hair, leaps around energetically, encouraging the balcony worshippers to join in prayer. Sporting green overalls embroidered with his nickname, Uncle Paul, the 43-year-old has been traveling around apartment complexes across Nairobi, bringing his balcony services and Sunday school to families since the Covid-19 pandemic closed down places of worship in Kenya on 22 March. Pairing dance moves with their tunes, the band encourage children and their parents to spend the hour dancing and praying together. When Machira realises that a crowd has gathered on the balcony of the apartment building next door, he shifts to a “360 service” to include those neighbours. Machira’s services are by invitation only. He says that the group have had to skip services because some of the neighbours have objected to “noise-makers” in their complex. Machira’s group have been booked for as many as four services in one day before. This popularity means that they sometimes have to split into two, renting an additional van and musical equipment to cover more ground.

[moirica]

Quartet Night Live Future 2018 Report 11/04

Is this real? Is it just a fantasy? No, it’s real. A real true report of a live that, when I got into Uta no Prince Sama 3 and a half years ago, I never would have imagined attending. That, after the last Quartet Night Live, I dreamed of attending but never thought it would happen.

If you can’t tell already this report will probably be a little rambling and all over the place (not in the least because I was left emotionally broken by this live which has never happened before to me). I will do my best to share my experience here, so that others can see it, but more for myself to look back on in the future as well. I NEVER want to forget this live.

I suppose I could start with getting the ticket. I’m just going to state right out that I am the luckiest person alive and I don’t know how I won. My ticket came from the CD lottery. When the seats came out I found out I had an arena seat, A block. I pretty much died right then, two or so months before the live.

In terms of goods I didn’t end up with much this year through a mixture of choice and circumstance. I am terrible at remembering the deadlines for online orders so I missed those. The pre-sales were on the other side of the country so those were out. I also didn’t want to do my usual of spending the day in the goods line. Every time I’ve done that for Utapri I have a shitty experience. Thankfully they had a goods line during the live on Saturday and so I went then. The line was quite small and I got through in maybe no more than 15 minutes. I managed to pick up a few of the things I wanted, the pamphlet and the blanket were the main ones, so I was happy. Most things were sold out though, except lights this time because they were part of the tickets I suppose.

The next thing I want to mention is the amazing time I had with the people I met this weekend. I knew I was meeting with some friends from a LINE group but somehow over the weekend we stumbled across so many other foreigners and it was amazing to make new friends to share the crazy with.

I know I’ve posted the flower stand picture before but this stand that was from us foreign fans was a highlight of my weekend. It meant so much to me and the other people who contributed to it. Watching people take pictures of it (it was hella popular) and react to it was fantastic. Also during the live *spoilers* they talked about the flower stands and while the international stand was not mentioned then they did say that a video of all the stands had been recorded for them, so rest assured that it was seen by Quartet Night.

Eventually it was time to go in. I’d heard many things about the venue. That it seemed pretty small and had no real bad seats. I was not prepared for where I ended up. I was so close. There were still people closer of course but I’ve never been this close in an event before. Que the freaking out before it even started. They had some fun recordings of the QN boys for while you waited that would play every 15 minutes or so. Reiji and Ai and then Ranmaru and Camus. They were funny. Also people gave little squeals any time they came on.

Finally it was time. The lights went down, music started. This time the opening video was of all the previous milestones for Quartet Night, the games and the anime and the lives, all leading up to this event. Then everything went dark and there was the silhouette of a clock and the sound of it striking and they were there. It had begun.

• The first song was ‘THE WORLD IS MINE’. They appeared in beautiful golden outfits and I nearly died right then because for the first time they truly looked like people and not tiny figures far away. I don’t remember much else about this song except screaming along and basking in the fact that this was real.

• The second song was ‘Poison Kiss’ and if I wasn’t dead already this didn’t help. There’s not much to be said about the majesty of this song. It is and always will be perfect. They moved from the main stage to the centre during this song and I realized the downside to my seat was that I got to spend a lot of time staring at butts if they were on the centre stage. Still, this is the first live where I barely watched the screens. Even if it was the back of their head it was right there and I was staring.

• There was a brief introduction and welcome after the first song and then we were on to the first solo song, Rei-chan’s ‘オン・ユア・マーク!’ It was very reminiscent to the 6th stage performance with all the hips involved. It was mostly on the centre stage and a little strange to keep looking back over my shoulder at the screens to see his face.

• The next song was Ai’s ‘二人のモノグラム’. It was a really fun song and he had the sparkly white gloves from the last time he performed the song at a live! This one was mostly on the main stage and it was beautiful. So happy they included one of my favourite Ai songs!

• Saintly Territory was next. There was a cape involved. I really enjoyed Maeno’s interactions with the dancers. Like walked from the main to the centre stage he ‘pushed’ them out of the way, it was very Camus. There was also sceptre dancing on the centre stage.

• The lights went down and suddenly we looked up the the top of the stairs and there was Tattsun and he started singing ‘BE PROUD’. If I wasn’t already lost(I was) then my favourite Ranmaru song was what did it. He went down on his knees at a point and it was just…. shdhdkskdh. Oh and his ad-libing during the instrumentals was on point. That and the way he held that last note for so long. Like seriously long. Yabai.

• Next up was something special for this live: Acoustic Corner! I was really happy that they decided to do this because if the live had kept going the way it had started I don’t know if I’d have made it. This talk section was a necessary break.

• The first pair was Reiji and Camus. They came out onto the centre stage and had a talk portion while the band was setting up. There was a costume change to more casual looking clothes. They talked first about the live viewing audience. Morikubo is always really good at chatting to the live viewing audience. It was funny because every time they would pause to hear the cheers from the live viewing audience and so we would cheer and they’d always joke like ‘wow, the live viewing audiences voices are so strong you can hear them here’. Morikubo also talked about the lights and how cool it was that they could be controlled but that we could also choose our own color sometimes. Then he tried to get them to turn red but they were in our control at the time and it didn’t work(I was one of the few that turned mine red though). After a few minutes they managed to get them all red.

• They also talked about how all the members kind of have their own things and Maeno acted like Tattsun and it was hilarious. He then tried to act like Morikubo and it was even funnier because he said the line wrong and Morikubo was like ‘Eh? No it’s this! Not that!’

• Finally everything was set up and the song began, the acoustic version of KILLER KISS. The instrumentals were beautiful and I really loved the light effects they had over the center stage. They were super pretty. Character coloured dots could move up and down and into patterns. They were really cool. I kept having to glance behind me at the screens to see their faces every so often because they were seated facing away from my area.

• After the song the pair switched to Ai and Ranmaru. Another outfit change! These two were wearing these long flowy shirts, they looked super comfy. They chatted a bit about the outfits. Tattsun teased Shoutan about looking like a girl, as is usual for an Utapri Live. Shoutan even did this pose leaning forward with his butt out *que the screaming* and Tattsun was like ‘See?’ And then he tried the same pose but it didn’t work and it was hilarious. Shoutan retaliated by asked the audience if they’d want the shirt off of Tattsun’s back and the audience screamed again. I love the chemistry of these two.

• Tattsun brought up the flower stands! He talked about how there were so many and that the staff had taken pictures and video for them so that they could see all of them. I was hoping he might mention the international stand but he didn’t. He did mention one stand in particular. It was for Ranmaru and it had the silhouette of an instrument in red roses. Tattsun asked Shoutan what Ranmaru’s instrument was and Shoutan answered ‘Bass of course’. Then Tattsun pointed out that the silhouette was of a guitar and he was a little disappointed it was wrong(in a joking way).

• ハルハナ was their song. It was really nice. This song was a really nice choice for an acoustic song. I really liked their energy. The lights were also pretty again. I think they made the shape of a flower sometimes but it was hard to see from my angle.

• Once that song was finished Morikubo and Maeno came back out and there was a mini-talk with all of them. They made fun of each other a little more. They also talked about the LINE group and the picture of the four microphones that all of them posted a few days before the live. They joked about how it ended up that they all shared the picture and who started it. You could feel the KIZUNA. Oh, and the fact that after the first day of the live they all went out drinking together and came back to their hotel arms around each other. There is blurry picture proof on Morikubo’s twitter. Yes, that’s them drunk.

• They soon moved into the last acoustic corner song, マリアージュ. This song was really nice in acoustic.They also split the various english lines into different pairings of the group. I really liked that touch, to hear the different combinations of voices.

• After the acoustic corner it was time for the break video. I’m not going to lie, my Japanese skills were failing me this time and while I picked up a bit I don’t know if my understanding was good enough to get it right.

• Some highlights though. Shoutan: why doesn’t Ai sleep in a bed. Morikubo: what the heck does yoroshiku machocho mean? Maeno talked lots about Camus and sugar. I don’t remember much of what Tattsun said. Oh, and Shoutan said the thing he liked now about Ai is his voice, the precious boy. He has come so far from thinking he didn’t deserve to voice Ai.

• The interview ended with the question of what one kanji represented their character. These come up on screen and then the next song started.

• ‘The Dice are Cast’! With new outfits! I really liked these outfits. They were my favourite for this live! And this song was on the trucks! And holy crap that was close. Morikubo and Tattsun were on my side and they were like right there. I tried not to die while cheering them on.

• The trucks stopped at the far end of the stadium (right in front of where a friend of mine was sitting, pretty sure her night was made with that). They started the next song which was ‘Starlight Memory’. Like the first Quartet Night live they did this one with mic stands but it was from the trucks, facing back in towards the main stage.

• Apparently those two songs were also the short versions of them from some of the Japanese reports I’ve seen. I can’t say that I noticed either way, I was completely lost in the experience.

• The next song was ‘エボリューション・イヴ’. It was around this point that I started to tear up more than I had before. They were the burning stinging sort too, meaning that I was watching this song through one eye trying to fight off the burning in the other. It was an amazing song though, one of my favourites which is probably why I got so emotional.

• We were back to solo songs for the next little bit. The next one was Camus’ ‘Double face’. I have to say that this is probably my favourite Camus song and it’s all because of how Maeno performs it. The way he is able to switch so effortlessly between the personas and the voices, just by changing which hand is on the mic stand. Like the first live the dancers were in white and black for this song. The lights alternated between blue and yellow and the coordination was on point.

• The sounds of ‘シンクロニズム’ started up. We could see a silhouette and Shoutan was wearing the hood of his shirt up. His outfit this time was a short sleeved shirt(hoodie) with a large hood that was edged with purple fur and it had purple fur cat ears. He also had a purple sash that was very iridescent. (If you can’t tell I loved this outfit and I seriously want it for myself.) Anyway, the hood was up and he even reached up and played with the ears. The cuteness of it all really matched with the cuteness of the song. He went from the main stage to the centre and back with this song. You may have heard of the butt wiggle from when he performed this song at 6th stage, those were back this time too. They were always in the direction of my area too. Bless you Ai-chan. There were also bubbles at the end. You could die from the cute of it all.

• ‘Not bad’ was the other Ranmaru song of the night. There was lots of fire involved and because of the closed venue you could really feel the heat of it.

• The last of the solo songs was ‘Never…’ It was really well done. Morikubo threw his hat off at one point, along with the other dancers. Near the end of the song he climbed the stairs of the main stage and on the screen then had the image of a Ferris wheel. It was very much like the anime. The end of the song had the first shiny tape cannons of the night with plain green tape for the song. It was literally raining down on me! I managed to grab a lot of them but I kind of messed them up by shoving them into my tiny bag. If I ever get area again I’ll remember to bring a bigger bag for the tape so I don’t crunch it up before there is time to roll it up nice.

• There wasn’t really time after ‘Never…’ to roll the tape up nice because ‘Non-Fiction’ was starting. Tattsun and Maeno rolled out on a black couch looking terribly cool. I have to say that while I like both the new songs ‘Non-Fiction’ is a definite jam. It was awesome to do the calls for this song and to watch them dance to it. Yes, there was an epic dance in that instrumental break of the song. It was definitely one of my favourite performances of the night.

• The next song was predictably ‘Fiction’. While this one didn’t hold the coolness of the previous song the physical acting by Morikubo and Shoutan was on point. Their movements and expressions captured the emotional nuances of the song, especially if you know anything about the history between the characters. They were apart until almost the end of the song and then they finally clasped hands but then Shoutan pulled away and walked away and then Morikubo walked away and there was just a white spotlight on stage with feathers falling. It was very moving.

• The next song was ‘KIZUNA’! They played the video from the anime on the background screen and like the first live they all sat on the stairs and acted it out. This is such a fun song to do the call and response to. They were all being really cute together too. I believe for this song they came close to the side of the main stage during parts of the song.

• The next song was the one bearing their name ‘QUARTET☆NIGHT’! I feel bad for not having more memory of this song but my excuse is the live was most definitely coming to an end, I was already crying and it was good. That’s all I can really say. Dreams came true.

• Next was the dancer introduction! They each took turns introducing a number of the dancers. Sadly the one dancer I’ve grown to like from Shoutan and other utapri lives wasn’t there but I recognized some of the names.

• There was another brief talk after this, I think more towards the live viewing audience again as well. I don’t remember much of what was said besides the last song was coming up.

• ‘FLY TO THE FUTURE’ was the last song. It was fitting and perfect for this live. I literally had tears running down my face at this point. I didn’t want it to end. The highlight of the song was of course the line ‘ありが���う、そしてこれからも’. Before this line everything just stopped and fell quiet. No music, no cheering, just silence. It was tense, you could feel it in the air of the hall. I was terrified I would make some sound to break it. Finally they said the line and the song finished.

• Encore time! Everyone just cheered ‘quartet night’ the whole time. Unlike the movie theatre where you feel a little strange chanting it when you are part of the audience the energy just carries you along. I tried to organize the tape a little during this time but as I said earlier it turns out I didn’t do a very good job.

• The encore finished pretty fast and they were back with ‘FORCE LIVE’. What a cool song! And they played the music video in the background while they did the actual dances on the stage. Morikubo even tried the high kick like Reiji in the video. It was awesome and after ages of playing Shining Live it was cool to hear it in person (kinda sad Starish didn’t get their back at the fanmeet).

• After the song was a bit more talking and they did the few announcements. Basically that there would be a DVD/blueray and that the official movie site opens in December.

• I don’t remember many details of the final words (I’m writing this a few days after and it’s been a busy week at work @.@) but I do remember screaming arigatou a lot. Like a lot. For most of this last little bit.

• The next song was ‘God’s STAR’! This was the only song I knew of ahead of time for sure because I’d heard it when taking pictures of the flower stands on the Saturday night. Still, one of my favourite songs to see live because the call and response is just so much fun!

• Another encore! More cheering for a while. When they came back out they were in a white version t-shirt with the logo. Most of them had been modified a little bit. Morikubo’s was the most plain, just the shirt. Tattsun’s had some see through black material on the sleeves and at the bottom. Shoutan had a few zipper like cuts in his shirt (very much like his encore shirts from his own lives). Maeno was wearing the Camus prince parka.

• They did a few more thank you’s and then they announced the last song which was of course ‘You’re my life’. I can’t think of a more perfect last song honestly. They came out on the trucks again for this song. Tattsun and Maeno were on my side. They went around and when they passed the other trucks they would high five. Sadly the other ones didn’t come too close because they veered off to the centre stage instead. There was still more of the song and they were always standing at the edge of the stage waving out at all of us. I also love the call and response of this song. ‘La, la, la, la, la-la, la, la.’

• They said thank you again after and then the instrumental version of ‘FLY TO THE FUTURE’ started to play as they waved goodbye. We did the best thing though and the whole audience just decided to sing the song to them, the biggest karaoke ever. I’ll admit I didn’t sing it perfectly but I tried because how could you not. And this was probably one of my favourite moments of the live because you could see how moved Quartet Night was by it. I remember seeing Tattsun’s face as they headed back down the aisle to the main stage and he was floored by it. I’m glad that they could see our love for them all.

• Even when it was done the audience was singing along with the instrumentals of the songs. I was probably the last one of the people I had been with to head out because I just didn’t want it to end. I would do it again if I could. I will buy the shit out of the DVD just to be part of that again.

There you have it. Quartet Night Live Future 2018. I already feel like I have forgotten a lot. Especially about the talks and things. I should have taken notes when I was on my way home but I was tired and still in a bit of a ‘did that actually happen?’ That matched with a busy week means that this isn’t as great as it could be. I hope you enjoyed it anyways. It was still the best weekend of my life.

Thank you to Broccoli for making these games and these characters. Thank you for the music. Thank you to all of the friends I met this weekend, old and new. Thank you to all of the people who donated to the flower stand.

Most of all,

THANK YOU QUARTET NIGHT.

ありがとう、そしてこれからも。

[captaingondolin]

Obikin and 5, 8, 11, 12?😊

I say I’m not taking fic prompts and then I end up giving ridiculously long answers to these questions because I have no self-control. Ops :)

5. When one of them has a bad day, what does the other do to help cheer them up?

Anakin cooks, his stew is Obi-Wan’s go-to comfort food, and sometimes he bakes too, he learned how to make pastries especially for him (is Obi-Wan’s sweet tooth canon or fanon? Either way, I love it, I’m keeping it forever safe in my heart because it’s too cute) – but I have already used this in a previous answer, so it doesn’t count.  

Anakin takes Obi-Wan to meet their friends. Obi-Wan is more of an extrovert than him (Anakin likes people, but people sometimes are exhausting – and yes, there is that line in the RotS novel about how Obi-Wan would gladly sit alone in a cave to meditate, but I think it’s more about how much people expected of him all the time by then. He has friends in every system he ever visited, sentients all over the place like him way too much, even pirates and other scoundrels and he kinda likes them too), but sometimes he gets a bit too caught up in his own head and forgets that he is allowed to just need his people around for no reason. Dex’s hugs and his pies never fail to put a smile on Obi-Wan’s face. Or they hang out with Padmé and/or Bail and Anakin is just happy to hear them geek out on stuff he isn’t even that interested in, stars in his eyes, happy that his Obi-Wan is so smart and so beloved.  

Obi-Wan takes Anakin on little trips to places they’ve never visited before and he makes Anakin drive/pilot (this works for canon verse or AUs). The boy has always wanted to visit every planet in the galaxy, and even if he knows that’s impossible now, he is always so excited to discover new places. Obi-Wan does the planning and learns about their destination and can tell Anakin interesting facts and keep him entertained. That and a change of scenery usually work to make him feel better. Or he fucks Anakin’s brain out. There’s a lot of edging and praises and the whole “fuck the noise out of Anakin’s head”.

8. In a coffee shop AU, who would be the coffee shop employee and who would be the customer?

Anakin is the coffee shop employee. He’s actually working two jobs, he takes some shifts as a mechanic too. He is saving up to buy a house for himself and his mother, and one day he dreams of going to college. Obi-Wan is a professor who teaches history or literature. He owns an honest-to-got tweed jacket with elbow patches and is clearly unsuited to life outside his library and his office. Anakin finds him terribly endearing from day 1 and doesn’t know how to deal with the feelings. Obi-Wan has never slept less, because he keeps going back to buy coffee multiple times a day. Satine has to smack him over the head to convince him to make a move.

Or, Anakin is an overworked TA and Obi-Wan and Ahsoka own a fancy hipster coffee shop where Anakin is sent multiple times a day by snotty tenured professor Dooku, who thinks TAs are his personal assistants. Obi-Wan makes all the baked goods they sell and Anakin pretends to like sweets for his sake for months. Padmé has to smack him over the head to convince him to make a move.

(I just love my clueless boys)

11. What would they do to celebrate their one year anniversary?

In canon I imagine Anakin having all their small milestones memorized. You can bet he knows the exact date of their first kiss, and of their first near-kiss, and of the day they talked feelings… Obi-Wan is horribly clueless. He cherishes having Anakin at his side every day, and he hasn’t ever had the occasion to think about anniversaries in his life before. He might not even be aware that’s a thing people actually care about. Maybe he thinks it’s some overused holodrama plot (because he secretly watches space soap operas when he can’t sleep late at night, and he is too tired to think or do anything else and every time he closes his eyes he can see all the men who died under his command and OH NO, now I made myself sad) that doesn’t actually happen in real life (and now I made myself sad again about my favourite space priests being clueless about what family units actually do). For their one year together Anakin arranges their ship to be diverted to Jedha or some other place with cool temples or pieces of Jedi history, and takes him around to visit. Obi-Wan is speechless, he can’t believe Anakin managed that in the middle of a war, he can’t believe he is worth that much effort.

In AU Obi-Wan plans a special holiday months in advance. An Obi-Wan that was never a Jedi is still usually reserved and not good at spontaneity, but he loves Anakin so much and he wants his boy to know. He is good at planning and he knows exactly what Anakin likes. He mixes fancy and funny – he hires go-karts for them so they can run around the tracks for a few hours, and then takes Anakin to a fancy hotel with a bathroom that seems right out of a porn and a wonderful bed. They have the best bathtub sex, then move to the bed and Obi-Wan shows Anakin just how special he is to him.

12. When did they know that loved each other, and when did they first tell each other that they loved one another?

Oooooh, favourite question. And the one that took me the longest to answer because I start daydreaming with literal hearts in my eyes every time I think too hard about these two having feelings, you know?

Do you watch/know Brooklyn 99? (spoiler? That episode was out months ago, but it’s the last season) Whether you do or not, there’s this moment when Jake looks at Amy, who is complaining that there is a typo in the daily crossword on the newspaper, and he knows deep down in his very soul that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Even besides the fact that literally everyone I know agrees that Anakin is totally Jake and that Obi-Wan would find typos in crosswords, this was such a sweet, understated moment. I imagine for Anakin it goes a bit like that. Despite the rocky start, when he thought Obi-Wan didn’t want him, he has thought that his Master was the absolute coolest ever for a long time. Admiration slowly turns into a crush that turns into enduring love, and one day he sees Obi-Wan look at Ahsoka with this proud smile that he usually tries to hide. She’s training or something, and doesn’t see him, and Obi-Wan hasn’t noticed Anakin yet. And Anakin just knows.

For Obi-Wan is way more dramatic. And traumatic. He thought he had sworn off romantic love a long time ago. He thought he would notice himself getting inappropriately attached before it was too late. And speaking of inappropriate, Anakin used to be his Padawan! He is completely blindsided by the revelation, which comes on a mission, after he has lost sight of Anakin in some dangerous situation, and for a moment there is a pain in his chest – he almost can’t breathe, what if that was the last time he had seen Anakin? What if – but it can’t be! Because he loves him! And then he panics some more about this.

When they are reunited, he hugs Anakin. Anakin has initiated a lot of hugging, but this is a first. Obi-Wan realises his mistake and tries to play it cool, but after that Anakin starts taking notice of many small details that had escaped him before and convinces himself that maybe, just maybe, he has a chance. So he reveals his feelings to Obi-Wan. He picks a quiet time, goes to Obi-Wan’s room in the Temple and – it takes more courage than facing an entire battalion of clankers on his own, but it’s worth doing. He is only shaking a little.  

Obi-Wan tries to deny it, tries to tell Anakin that he is confused, which pisses Anakin off. In the end they start fighting, recriminating about of past issues, but actually that’s good, because they clear up a lot of things they were still mad about and then in the heat of the fight they are just so frustrated with each other that they start kissing. Violent mid-fight kissing that ends with one of them with his back against a wall and – oh, yes. They don’t come out of the room for a full day.

[dani-ellie03]

Fic: Wednesday’s Child (16/?)

Title: Wednesday’s Child Summary: The next time Emma Swan wanted magical help, she was on her own. Because now they were stuck with a pint-sized savior who clearly had an attitude problem and a terrified but pretending not to be pre-pirate. Spoilers: If you’re current, we’re good. Rating/Warning: PG-13, mostly for safety. Family angst/fluff, as per usual. Disclaimer: Once Upon a Time and its characters were created by Eddy Kitsis and Adam Horowitz and are owned by ABC. I’m just borrowing them but I’ll put them back when I’m finished! Author's Note: Here's some Snow-and-tiny-Killian time, just because. Also a little heads-up that next chapter might be delayed a bit because of NJCon this weekend. :)

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At ff.net and below.

Tagging @shealivedarnit (If anyone else wants to be tagged, let me know!)

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For a peaceful and calm forty-five minutes, Snow and Charming sat with their babies. Little Neal, full of the energy that only small children had, bounced from activity to activity at their feet. Mega Blocks gave way to his shape sorter, which in turn gave way to stacking rings. Only when he became bored with pushing his toy tractor around the hardwood floor did he circle back to the Mega Blocks.

"Do you mind if I leave for a few minutes and check on the animals?" Charming eventually asked, breaking the comfortable silence between him and his wife.

After a glance down at Neal and then over to the blanket fort where Emma and Killian were still sleeping, Snow shook her head. "Go make sure everyone weathered the storm all right," she said with a tender smile. "We'll be fine here for a few minutes."

Charming shot her a grateful smile as he rose from the chair. He crouched down to ruffle Neal's soft hair before straightening and giving Snow a quick peck on the cheek. "I'll be right back," he murmured as she closed her eyes against the kiss.

At Snow's nod, Charming crept over to the blanket fort and snapped his fingers to capture Wilby's attention. Understanding his master's silent command, the dog gave a sleeping Emma's cheek a swift lick, pushed himself to his feet, and tottered out of the fort.

Snow was left on her own with the children and her thoughts. The earlier conversation with Charming still weighed heavily on her mind. The ache in her chest at the thought of what her little girl and Killian had been through already in their young lives was so great that she swore it might drown her.

The pain in their eyes was too much for her. The uncertainty, the reluctance, the sheer distrust. They were the eyes of children who'd experienced far too much far too young. She wanted nothing more than to whisk all that pain away from them, to make it so they'd never experienced it at all.

Losing her mother at such a young age had been soul-crushing for Snow. She'd been a little girl whose mother had missed her milestones and had missed watching her grow from girl to young adult. There were so many nights she longed for her mother, so many lonely nights when all she'd wanted was to curl up in her mother's arms and feel safe and secure. It gutted her to think of all the nights Emma and Killian had done the same, all the endless nights spent longing for their parents.

The poor children had suffered so much. They deserved love, deserved to know how it felt to be cherished. They deserved to feel safe and secure and comforted, deserved to know that someone was always there for them, for anything they needed.

And Snow vowed to show them exactly that for as long as they were in her charge.

A quiet but insistent banging drew Snow from her morose reverie. While she'd been daydreaming, little Neal had decided to happily bang the Mega Blocks in his hands against the hardwood floor. "Oh, shh," Snow murmured as she held her hands over her son's to halt them in place. "No banging. You're going to wake your sister and brother-in-law!"

And scuff the floor, but really, waking the children from their nap was Snow's bigger concern at the moment.

Almost guiltily, Snow darted her gaze over to the fort. At first it didn't seem as if the noise had disturbed them but barely a second later, Killian shifted restlessly under the blanket. He whimpered softly and tried to turn over only to discover Emma lying back-to-back with him. The collision startled poor Killian awake while Emma simply let out a soft grunt, rolled onto her stomach, and went still.

Snow stifled a chuckle at the poor boy's rude awakening as a disoriented Killian sat up and rubbed his eyes. His bleary gaze traveled around the blanket fort before landing on Emma, who breathed a soft sigh as she settled back into sleep. Smiling gently, he cautiously climbed over Emma's legs and ducked out of the fort.

"Well hello, sleepyhead," Snow gently teased the boy as he padded over to her.

"I didn't mean to fall asleep," he said almost apologetically before plopping down in the armchair Charming had vacated.

"Oh, Killian, it's perfectly all right. You and Emma were both tired and you must have been really comfortable listening to Henry read. Honestly, I would have been more surprised if you didn't fall asleep."

That got him to smile. Sensing he needed a little time to fully wake up, Snow let the conversation trail off. Instead, she did a quick visual check of her other babies. At her feet, Neal was still happily playing with his Mega Blocks – without hammering them against the floor, thank goodness – and in the fort, Emma was beginning to stir.

"Mary Margaret, may I ask you a question?"

The soft query drew her attention back to Killian, who was regarding her with a tentative uncertainty that made Snow's chest ache. "Of course, honey."

"Are you and David and Regina really from the Enchanted Forest?"

Of all the questions Snow thought Killian might ask, that one was nowhere on the list. She must have looked as surprised as she felt because he added, "David told me yesterday."

The hopeful expression on the boy's face told Snow exactly why her husband had confided that they were from the Enchanted Forest. The knowledge that the new adults in his life were from the same place he was made him feel a little more at home in this new, unfamiliar world.

A glance over at the fort proved that Emma was fighting waking up with all she had. Secure in the knowledge that Emma wouldn't overhear her, Snow replied, "Yes, we are."

"How did you get here?"

"We were sent here by a curse. It's broken now, though, so I don't want you to worry about it, all right?"

Killian nodded, letting out a relieved breath. "If it's broken, how come you didn't go back? Don't you miss the Enchanted Forest?"

"Sometimes," Snow admitted. "I miss the fresh air and the quiet. Sometimes this world can be very noisy." At that, Killian nodded in agreement. "That said, this world is my home now. My family and friends and all the people I love are here. One lesson the Curse taught me is that home isn't necessarily a physical place. It's wherever you can be with the people you love."

Again, Killian nodded, though this time it seemed as if he were mulling over her words. The concept of home seemed unfamiliar to him and frankly, it probably was. Even if he'd thought he knew what home was, his own conception of it would have shattered the morning he awoke to find his father gone.

"May I ask you another question?" a suddenly subdued Killian asked.

The boy's change in demeanor instantly worried Snow. "Absolutely," she said, trying not to make her concern apparent in her tone. The last thing she wanted was to make the boy uncomfortable.

"If I wanted this world to be my home, could we try to bring Liam here? And if Liam comes, could we still stay here with you?"

The tears welled in Snow's eyes without warning. This little boy, this lonely, frightened little boy had found somewhere he wanted to belong. As tenuous a concept as it was for him, he'd found home and he'd found it with her family. Sniffing back her tears, Snow pushed herself up from her chair, crouched down in front of Killian's, and took his hands in hers. The reassurance she wanted – no, needed – to give him was worth the implied white lie regarding Liam. "Of course you could still stay here with us. We would be honored to have both of you join our family."

It was the absolute truth. Welcoming Killian Jones, in any incarnation, into her family was her pleasure. Killian loved Emma, protected her, supported her, helped her find her way home. He'd protected the entire family, he'd sacrificed himself for them, and they'd willingly followed Emma on her march to the Underworld to rescue him.

Not that this little boy knew any of that. All he knew was that he felt loved here. He felt safe and secure and comforted and loved.

Killian sat motionless for a beat before throwing his arms around Snow in a tight hug. "Oh, Killian," she murmured into the boy's ear, "you're safe now."

He tightened his grip and in response, Snow tightened hers. This poor little boy had clearly longed for this kind of comfort, had ached for it, and now that someone was giving it to him, he didn't want to let it go.

After a long moment, Killian pulled away and sniffed back some stray tears. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome," Snow smiled, blinking back her own tears as she cupped Killian's little cheek in her palm.

The tender moment was broken when little Neal once again smacked the Mega Blocks against the hardwood floor, startling both Killian and Snow. Mother-in-law and tiny son-in-law shared a sheepish chuckle as Snow reached down and took the blocks out of her son's hands. "No banging," she chided before tucking the confiscated blocks back in the storage bag.

Neal huffed at her and abandoned the rest of the blocks for his stacking rings, giving Snow a sudden flash of the tantrums that surely awaited her once her baby boy hit his terrible twos.

That last bang must have also pushed Emma into full consciousness because no more than a second or two later, just long enough for Killian to settle on the floor with Neal and Snow to sit back down in the armchair, Emma emerged from the blanket fort yawning. Her blonde waves had tangled during her nap and Snow's heart practically seized in her chest at the domesticity of the moment.

"I guess I needed a nap," Emma mumbled, her voice still thick with sleep, as she plopped down on the floor at Snow's feet.

A breath caught in Snow's throat. Here was her sleepy little girl, leaning back against her legs as it if were the most natural thing in the world. Underneath Snow's wonder and joy, however, was a tinge of concern. The fact that a still somewhat hesitant Emma had settled in Snow's personal space couldn't be ignored. On some level, maybe one Emma didn't even realize herself, she was seeking comfort.

An instinct that Snow didn't quite understand made her lean forward and run her fingers through Emma's hair. The small amount of tension in the girl's shoulders relaxed in response to the tender touch and Snow smiled, pleased that her instinct had been correct.

"I just woke up a few minutes ago, too," Killian assured her.

"And Neal and I have been right here the whole time," Snow added. "David and Wilby were here most of the time, too. They just went to check on the animals a few minutes ago now that the storm's over."

Emma graced them both with a shy smile, clearly surprised and grateful that she hadn't been left alone while she slept.

After a minute or two of fiddling with the Mega Blocks, Emma decided to build a rudimentary staircase by taking a few square blocks and stacking each one half on top of the other. Killian observed her for a moment before constructing a staircase of his own. And now that Neal had playmates, he once again shifted focus back to the blocks and started making his specialty: a tower.

The sound of the screen door banging in the kitchen announced Charming's return from the back yard. A smile lit his face as soon as he and Wilby entered the living room to find the children awake. Dog and master each reclaimed their previous spots, Wilby at Emma's side and Charming in the armchair across from Snow. "I see our sleeping beauties are up," Charming teased, causing the children to blush. "Did you both have a good nap?"

"Yeah," Emma replied somewhat shyly while Killian nodded his agreement. "Are the animals okay?"

"All present and accounted for. The sheep are a little muddy, mostly because Linden likes splashing in puddles."

Both Emma and Killian let out soft giggles at the mental image of a sheep intentionally stomping in puddles like a little kid.

A creak on the staircase captured Snow's attention. She tore her gaze from the children to find Henry bounding down the stairs to rejoin the family now that everyone was awake. "I thought I heard voices," he said, grinning at his little mom and stepfather before joining them on the floor with Neal.

Snow looked up to meet Charming's smiling eye. Oh, how they wished they could make this moment with the children simply playing together last forever.

Eventually, Emma set her staircase upright against the storage bag, slung an arm across Wilby's back, and glanced up at each of her parents in turn. "What are we going to do now?"

Snow exchanged a glance with Charming, who nodded at her. It was officially time to see if their plan for the afternoon would work for everyone. "David and I were talking about that while you were napping. You asked yesterday if we could make pasta from scratch. How would you two like another cooking lesson?"

Emma's eyes lit up but Killian looked a little perplexed. "Is pasta what we had for dinner yesterday?"

"Yes indeed," Charming confirmed. "Last night, we had pasta we bought from the store but we can make it ourselves, too. It tastes a little different when it's homemade. Truthfully, I like it much better that way. So what do you all say? Do you mind having spaghetti for dinner again?"

"Nope!" Emma exclaimed, grinning. Not that there had been any doubt.

"Sounds good to me," Killian agreed with a smile. Not that there had been any doubt with him, either.

"I'm game," Henry shrugged, partly because he was indeed a fourteen-year-old boy who just wanted food but mostly because Emma was so excited.

"All right," Snow said, clapping her hands together as she stood up to capture everyone's attention. "All children into the kitchen."

"Yep, definitely a teacher," Emma murmured under her breath, making both Snow and Charming bite back smiles

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Chapter Seventeen

[crimson-breath-blog]

Interview with Raúl Vivar, pixel artist at Blasphemous and Crimson Breath

[Versión en español / Spanish version]

Blasphemous has become the most successful Spanish videogame on Kickstarter. It combines the best bits of the Dark Souls’ narrative with the folklore of the Spanish Semana Santa, creating a unique atmosphere. This milestone was achieved by The Game Kitchen, a development studio based in Sevilla and well known by its award-winning game The Last Door. One of the success keys of Blasphemous is its excellent pixel art. In this interview we talk with Raúl Vivar, one of the pixel artists of the project.

-How long have you been working on pixel art?

Maybe I should start by talking about my first contact with pixel art. I was 11 years old and my parents gave me an Amstrad CPC 6128 (I was one lucky child who enjoyed floppy disks). My neighbour had the same computer and we exchanged games and programs. That’s how I got in touch with The Advanced OCP Art Studio and I started learning pixel art with more enthusiasm than technique.

-How was the experience of taking part in a game jam? Would you recommend that to people who want to start in this industry?

Recommend it? It is a “must”! Taking part in game jams gives you the opportunity to learn a lot of things about professionals of this world, you can test your abilities, show them and learn a lot. If I hadn’t taken part on my first game jam, then lots of things which I feel really lucky today wouldn’t have occurred.

-How did you take the determination to work as videogames developer?

Before the decisive jump of faith, I was working part time in the foundations of Blasphemous. I combined my job as front-end developer with this shy flirting in the videogames industry. This way I tried this experience with a low risk, tons of illusion and few hours of sleep.

From the beginning, the public response [to Blasphemous] was very positive and I already knew The Game Kitchen had a solid experience so when I was given the opportunity to work full time on Blasphemous I accepted it right away.

-What is the best and the worst thing about working in the videogame industry?

The best part is my day by day, which is full of creativity and interesting challenges. Every sprite I make, every animation I finish contributes to an amazing story. Comparing it to my previous job, where I had to build a landing page for a client, with bringing to life The Penitent sword combo, is like night and day.

The worst thing is you lose some innocence and it is harder to enjoy the immersive experience of playing a videogame. It is difficult to switch from “developer” to “gamer” and stop thinking about which kind of AI has been implemented in the enemies, the color palettes, the resolution, etc.

-What caught your eye first about Blasphemous?

Its story, even when it wasn’t fully developed it was very interesting and the existing concept arts were really powerful. Besides, Enrique Cabeza has an special gift for storytelling, his narrative is amazing. He proved his talent in The Last Door and I was eager to get to know what he was planning for Blasphemous.

-Blasphemous takes the Christian religious imaginary from a dark, twisted perspective. Have you received any criticism from any part of the population due to the game’s theme?

Well, no, and even the non specialized press featured Blasphemous.

I think the reason why the game hasn’t received a flood of criticism is that we have always emphasized the richness of our religious culture and all its visual impact as a source of inspiration for the twisted and dark universe of Blasphemous. It has never been a mockery to religion but a kind of respectful admiration that has allowed us to give the game an unique identity.

-We have read that Blasphemous will have accessibility options for a wider group of players. Can you tell us about some of them?

As it was previously made with The Last Door, all the sounds in Blasphemous will be described by captioning so people with hearing loss problems can enjoy the atmosphere of the game.

In the same way the game will feature alternative font types to make texts more readable.

-How is working with The Game Kitchen team?

It is like having the best of the two worlds. On the one hand, you work with the passion and the closeness of an indie studio but using efficient processes and methodologies that pursue an organized and measurable work progress with short iteration cycles.

It is the perfect mix between heart and mind.

-Now we would like tol talk about another one of your personal projects, Crimson Breath. When did you come up with the idea for this game? How it has evolved over time?

Crimson Breath was born many years ago, more like a prototype than something else. It was my personal and solo bet into the videogames world but reality punched me in the face and I realized that I couldn’t do it on my own.

That way I shared this idea with everyone that would like to follow me and today it is a richer project thanks to the team’s contributions. The tone in Crimson Breath is the same I imagined in the beginning, but now it feeds off new approaches, mechanics and a context that magnifies it.

-Visually it resembles to the classic metroidvanias, but there are also some different elements at a narrative and playable level. Could you tell us something about this?

The scenary in Crimson Breath strikes up a communication with the player through the music and the sound effects, with cues and subtle signals that tell a story behind the obvious, always available for those with the spirit and the right senses.

-We are amazed by the precious style of your sprites and the fluency of your animations. Is there any artist with a heavy influence on you?

The truth is I don’t have any head artist but I am an eternal apprentice and I learn from everything I see. Any element and medium can be produce a spark; from other videogames, a movie… or even an advertising brochure. On the other hand my martial arts training helps me a lot to understand the movement and I use it on my animations.

When I do Julian’s animations or The Penitent thrusting with the sword, I do some testing myself (with enough space not to wreck something up and alone because it embarrasses me terribly), then I check the rotation of the hip, how the weight is balanced and the arc the sword describes.

-Which is your favorite videogame genre? And your favorite videogame?

I obviously love 2D-platform games, especially the Castlevania title for portable consoles. I also love survival horror games. I still have nightmares with the first Silent Hill.

It is really hard for me to choose only one videogame because there are a lots of them that have marked me throughout my life;

I spent my childhood throwing kicks with the Lee brothers in Double Dragon and throwing shurikens in Shinobi. When Street Fighter II came to the arcade salons I fell in love forever with Capcom. Castlevania SoTN teached me that a videogame can be a work of art. I worked a whole summer as waiter just to buy a Playstation to play Resident Evil. Left 4 Dead is the funniest way to survive a zombie apocalypse with your friends… and so many others.

-Is it possible to develop videogames and find time to play them?

Not only it is possible but is also necessary. It is a way to oxygenate the creative mind, find other sources of inspirations and not burn yourself out.

It is truly difficult sometimes (not to say impossible) and a lot of developers on a “crunch” period (working full time to meet deadlines) know that firsthand, but when it is possible you have to play, a lot. You have to know your surroundings.

[foodieworldmelbourne]

Why Bianca Spender is skipping Australian fashion week

I dont think I can capture everything I want to in a traditional show format, she explains. My runways are never straight.

Cut from the same cloth ... Bianca Spender (right) with her mother, designer Carla Zampatti. Last year, Spender staged one of the standout shows at Fashion Week, featuring a diagonal series of catwalks that snaked through the crowd. The critics loved it but photographers hated not being able to capture the perfect front-on shot. Over a shared meal of grilled whiting fillets, a dish of fregola with seafood that is like a more chewy risotto, and salads, we discuss the front, back and sides view of fashion, as more people explore fashion through two-dimensional images, often on their smartphones. Spender believes social media, specifically Instagram, has had a huge change on the way people can market ideas. I feel lucky because my clothes are better in movement. When online shopping first came out and everyone was straight front, back, sides, I was like, You dont have any idea how that skirt floats or feels, and I was really struggling with working out how to translate my ideas. Movement is at the core of how Spender designs and produces her clothes, joking that skirts must pass the Martin Place test, named after the notorious wind tunnel in the Sydney CBD. Since becoming a mother to two sons, now aged seven and 10, those tests have expanded to include the carrying the baby test to determine dress lengths (Spender doesnt own a pair of jeans).

Costume collaborators ... Spender with Sydney Dance Company's Rafael Bonachela.Credit:Louise Kennerley Spenders obsession with movement was put to the ultimate test recently, when she designed the costumes for the Sydney Dance Companys 50th-anniversary production of Cinco, under artistic director Rafael Bonachela. Some of the dance movements were so physical that three costumes ripped during rehearsals, and there were many repairs required. Each [costume] fitting, the scope of movement was amazing and even if I had mimicked it I couldnt mimic what would happen to the costume when it was on [the dancers], she says.

Fregola, calamari and mussels at Totti's.Credit:Wolter Peeters Spender said the project, even if it has forced her to sacrifice other work this year, was a dream come true for the one-time ballet student. Every family photo from the age of five to 11, I am in my ballet costume. I loved it so much I wouldnt take [my costume] off, she says. I call myself the tortoise. My mum loves running fast and loves winning. Bianca Spender Spender's gazelle-like physique and flowing strawberry blonde hair means she could easily pass as a professional dancer, although she admits age and the way she moves has taken its toll on her body. I only recently realised at the physio when he asked how I move everything is always very extended, I am not holding my core very much," she says while demonstrating how she would pick up a vase off a table, arm outstretched. "I love how everything looks when its long but then you dont protect your body.

Grilled whiting fillets at Totti's.Credit:Wolter Peeters Spender grew up in Sydney the middle of three children to fashion icon Carla Zampatti and John Spender (her parents separated in 2010). She recalls living in big, spacious houses where classical music was often playing and small talk was non-existent, the family preferring to tackle politics or business at the dinner table, sometimes to the bemusement of Spenders classmates. At school she would demonstrate her eccentric fashion taste on mufti days, but it wasnt until Spender reached adulthood that she truly understood her familys notoriety in Sydney's cultural scene.

Bianca Spender has formed a reputation at fashion week for her non-linear catwalks.Credit:AAP Only years after I left school and I [reflected on] certain conflicts with certain kids that Id never understood. People would say, Well your mum is Carla Zampatti, and I was just like, Oh.

The Zampatti-Spender family on the steps of their Sydney home in 1986. Clockwise from left: John Spender, Carla Zampatti, Alex Schuman, Allegra Spender, Bianca Spender. Credit:Ian Charles Cugley/SMH My mum is pretty normal, shes a postwar immigrant. What that means to me is you have to finish all your food, you live in a beautiful house but you understand the value of money. For a pre-teen Spender, that meant school holidays spent working at her mothers inner-city office, doing every job from tea lady to banking clerk. I am the most ridiculous jaywalker because I have been walking around the city since I was eight, Spender jokes. A firsthand apprenticeship in the Carla Zampatti offices, coupled with her familys work and social ethic, meant Spender had quite a feminist upbringing. I never felt the need to answer to a man, dress for a man, or been dependent on a man for anything. They dont have to approve of how I talk, what I wear, what I earn, what I spend my money on. Last year, Spender reached another milestone when she and Zampatti divided their businesses into separate entities, including a new head office in Rushcutters Bay for Spender. The pair are clearly close, often travelling together overseas or to fashion shows in Australia (both brands are carried at David Jones, for example). But when it comes to their work practices, Spender admits they are quite different. Loading I call myself the tortoise. My mum loves running fast and loves winning. She has racing car blood in her family (both Zampattis brothers were race-car drivers) but I am about the journey. Its not that I dont want the end result to look great. You can get a good result and have a terrible journey but that doesnt mean the same to me. I am [about] the long game. Which comes back to Spenders Fashion Week dilemma. She has a big vision of a project involving 10 women who have influenced her, dressing 10 other women, using her carefully archived collections. Its still morphing but she knows it wont be ready by mid-May, when fashion week takes place. I am probably being too ambitious in what I want to achieve out of it. But at least if I am pushing myself to strive for something. I wont do what I expect and Ill find that new form. (A week after our lunch, Spender phones to say she has decided to sit out of Fashion Week and will instead stage a solo, more intimate event in early May.) Recently, Spender has experimented with salon-style showings, where she revels in getting up close with the clothing and the customer. As someone whos more comfortable at a dinner party for 10 than a cocktail function for 300, Spenders aversion to big-production shows is understandable. At least if I am pushing myself to strive for something. I wont do what I expect - and Ill find that new form. Bianca Spender At a big party, my partners wings will get bigger. Whereas if you have me at a dinner party, I am passionate put me around lots of people and they are asking, Whats wrong with you? I am so not a show pony I find shows an incredible creative process but the way you only get eight to 10 minutes to present your world I remember once saying 12 [seconds] to [stylist] Mark Vassallo and he said, No, 12 is way too long. And I said, That dress took 12 weeks to get right and I cant have it on stage for eight seconds. I want to challenge that.

The bill at Totti's. One point on which Spender and her mother are in lockstep is on the retention of Australian fashion talent (Zampatti funds a scholarship for a UTS graduate to study overseas, with the intention of them returning home). Unlike some of her peers, Spender, who worked in France and Italy in fashion for four years after completing a commerce degree, has resisted aggressively chasing sales or the limelight overseas. We know we [Australia] are leaders in sport compared to our population ... in fashion theres still a, Whats everyone else doing? attitude. New Zealand has a very strong vision for its fashion with a small population but Australia is often very outward looking. We need to find a bit more confidence in ourselves and our own vision and our own style. Our need to be revered by overseas comes from our lack of supporting ourselves and our culture Whenever [a journalist] writes on a designer, its X is stocked on [e-tailer] Net-a-Porter. Do they need to be stocked there for you to love them? A lot of people go bankrupt trying to catch the overseas dollar. I am focused on building my Australianmarket. If my international market comes quicker, great, but I am not running after it. I dont need it to prove to myself that what I do is unique and has a strong vision. THE BILL, PLEASE Totti's 283 Bondi Road, Bondi 02 9114 7371 Open: Mon-Sat 11.30am-10pm, Sun 11.30am-9pm Melissa Singer is National Fashion Editor of The Sydney Morning Herald and The Age. Most Viewed in Lifestyle Loading https://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/fashion/why-bianca-spender-is-skipping-australian-fashion-week-20190410-p51csm.html?ref=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_source=rss_lifestyle

[esperanzacboronial]

claudia/illness and 20?

Things you said that I wasn’t meant to hear

(Big content warning for child abuse and violence. Also a lot on. Illness dealing with trauma. This prompt absolutely did not warrant this level of angst and yet, and yet. Idk what to tell you man.)

… 

One week to her birthday.

Claudia tiptoes around her.

(She knows.)

She and Charon go out that night without her. She doesn’t ask why. She can think of thousands of reasons she wouldn’t be wanted; it would only hurt more to hear one specified. She sits on the couch and watches reruns of old sitcoms, counting the hours until they come back.

5 o’clock. 6 o’clock. 7 o’clock.  

(They know.)

The jokes don’t make her want to laugh. She laughs anyway. She doesn’t know why. No, she does — because laughing at jokes is normal. She needs to be normal. She needs to be.

(They know. How do they know?)

8 o’clock. 9 o’clock. 10 o’clock.

Sunlight fades into dusk, then night. The light switch remains untouched. She hugs the pillow closer to her chest with quaking arms, unable to move beyond trembling. The screen flickers. Maybe it’s her eyelids fluttering. She isn’t sure. She isn’t sure when to laugh anymore. The sound from the TV set reaches her ears as a vague buzzing.

(How do they know? They can’t know —)

Is it 11 o’clock yet?

She can’t move her eyes to look at the clock.

They should be back by now.

Unless they’re not coming back.

Unless they’re not coming back, because they know.

They know she’s not supposed to be alive.

— But she wants to be. She wants to be. They can’t know that. They can’t.

She needs the laughtrack to guide her. Tell me to laugh. Let me be normal. It’s gone. The room seems dimmer. Someone must have turned off the TV. No one else is there, but someone must have. Claudia, or Charon.

No, they’re not here.

Her breaths come shallow, and she is between gasping for air and holding back from heaving. If she opens her mouth the nausea will win out. It’s dark, and — cold. She doesn’t feel the blanket hugging her skin anymore; soft fabric is replaced with rough hands. So that’s why. Her head is being held under water. If she opens her mouth she’ll choke.

She clenches her jaw and wills herself not to breathe.

One week to her birthday.

She is turning ten.

She’s gathered from books and TV shows that ten is an important age. You’re a big kid now! The double digits! — they always smile. They smile like her parents do; real, genuine smiles.

“It’ll be a great party!”

That’s right, sometimes she tells herself they’re planning a party.

“She’ll never expect it!”

That’s right, everything else is just so she won’t expect. She’s seen it on TV plenty of times. It’s someone’s birthday, and everyone pretends they don’t know, and acts cold towards them, but then in the end it’s all so that it can be a big surprise! There are balloons and a cake, and everyone laughs and sings Happy Birthday.

That’s right, she tells herself as fire eats away at old scars to leave new ones, as hot knives dig under her skin, as her head is forced under water. They let her up just before she suffocates each time, and between coughs she interrupts their prayer to ask: what’s gonna happen on my birthday?

Something very special, they tell her, and for a moment she smiles — in spite of the agony, she smiles. It must be true then; a surprise party. All of this, all these years — for a moment she honestly convinces herself that it really had been for the sake of making this birthday special by comparison.

You’re going to die.

That moment ends abruptly.

It’s truly a privilege.

The happiness your death will bring is insurmountable!

That means it’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt — insurmountably. She doesn’t know the word, but her father gestures grandly. It must mean a lot. It’s going to hurt a lot.

Sharpened blades dig into her back. It’s going to hurt a lot. The wall of hope blocking off the pain crumbles. She doesn’t want to hurt. She doesn’t want to die. Her chest constricts, but she can’t open her mouth to breathe. She wants to be normal.

She wants to be human.

Humans get to celebrate their tenth birthday as though it is a milestone on the journey of life.

Gods, she learns, must mark it as the finish line instead.

The people circling her laugh.

Why are they laughing? They laugh. They keep laughing.

“Aw, I told you she’d be asleep. That’s so cute!”

She wishes she could sleep through this. All she can do is scream. Can’t they hear her? She opens her mouth to scream louder, but she can’t make a sound — she’s choking.

“Hey, Charon, could you turn off the TV?”

Charon.

The sound shifts into the upbeat laughtrack of an old sitcom.

Claudia and Charon are home.

More than that — she’s home.

She tries to breathe; she does breathe. In, out, in, out. Cautiously, she opens her eyes. The room is brightened with warm, artificial light. On the screen two men hold casual conversation at a kitchen counter. In, out, in, out. Her throat is dry when she speaks.

“H-Hey —”

(She knows.)

Her bones feel brittle, fragile, as though if she moves they might shatter — but she wills herself to turn her head. Claudia looks almost startled, eyes wide, scrambling to hide something behind her back.

“Illness!” She beams at her. “I thought you were asleep.”

She’s hiding something; Illlness can’t focus on anything else. Claudia never lies. She struggles to conjure a reason she would be lying now, until the worst ones come to her unwarranted. 

Her mother steps into her room with something sharp held behind her back. They say it should hurt more when she does not see the injury coming, but she still does not know if this is true; all pain feels the same now. It just hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. 

“W-What are y-you…”

Claudia lips purse into a frown when she follows Illness’ stare. 

(She knows.) 

“You must have heard us talking, huh? I guess it can’t really be a surprise anymore,” A surprise. “Oh well! I promise we’ll find another way to make it special.”

Something very special. 

Her breath catches in her throat. 

You’re going to die. 

“Do you want another blanket? You’re shivering—”

“I-I’m sorry! I-I’m r-really sorry! I-I… I know I was s-supposed to d-die then but — but d-don’t kill me, p-please —!”

There is a soft thud as Claudia’s hands loosen their grip and drop their contents to the floor. 

“Don’t… kill you?” she repeats. 

(They don’t know.) 

Somehow this realisation is worse. 

She doesn’t like the expression painted on Claudia’s face; her usual mirth replaced by a furrowed brow and wide, worried eyes. She casts her gaze away, because she can’t look at this— but Charon is not a much more reassuring sight. The emotion is more muted on him, as all emotions are, but there is something not exactly blank about his stare. They don’t know — didn’t know.

And now she wishes she could repeal the words she’d spoken.

“Uhh,” She shakes her head, pulling her knees tight to her chest. “F-Forget I said that, it’s, uh — I — I…”

“Do you mind taking those bags upstairs, Charon?”

Her voice sounds too serious to belong to her, and her smile is faint as she watches her brother shut the door behind him. 

“I… I d-didn’t mean to say th-that…”

“I know,” She turns back to face her. “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t hear it.”

Illness, unable to bear to watch her expression shift any further from a smile, lowers her head and mumbles: “A-Are you, um, are you angry?” 

The silence following this question is longer than she would like. 

“I am angry,” Claudia says, and she feels her eyes sting. “But not with you, Illness. I’m angry with whoever hurt you enough that you’d say that.”

Those boys had been angry too, when they’d saved her. They’d said: we’re angry at them, not you. They’d echoed those same heroic words, and then they’d died. They had been good people, just like Claudia is — too much like Claudia is. No no no no no.

She shakes her head.

“… it’s… it’s fine, really. It’s o-okay, Claudia, I was just being weird, r-right? It’s —”

“It’s not okay,” she interrupts. “It’s not okay that something happened to you to make you think that— that we’d kill you, that you’re supposed to be dead. Illness, you don’t have to tell me about it, but you have to know that it’s not okay.”

She puts a hand on her shoulder, and Illness does not move, does not look up, does not speak. 

“You have to know that it’s not okay, and it’s not true,” That serious edge to her voice has faded into gentle comfort. “Even if you thought that once — I need you to listen, alright? — even if that was the case, it changed the second you became a part of my world.”

She covers her face, hiding unwanted tears. She isn’t supposed to know— and she isn’t supposed to react like this; with kindness, with compassion. 

“You don’t want to die, do you?”

She lifts her head, smudgy eyes wide with surprise. 

“N-No! No, Claudia, I… I really want to keep living. I-I like being alive, e-e-especially now…”

She always has. She’s always wanted to keep living. She wants it terribly and overwhelmingly and selfishly: she has killed for it, she has put herself through hell for it— and recently it has finally begun to seem worth it. Maybe that’s why. Maybe that’s why this fear grips her more than ever. The thought of losing the life she’d longed for now that she finally has it is unbearable. 

“Right — then there’s no ‘supposed to’ about it,” Claudia tells her confidently. “You’re going to keep living, and, unless you decide otherwise, I’m going to make sure no one gets in the way of that.”

It takes a long time for Illness to regain enough composure to nod, but when she does, Claudia smiles and wraps her arm around her shoulder. They sit like this until her shaking calms and her tears dry up, and then she squeezes her arm and says: 

“Hey, can I show you something? It was gonna be for your birthday, but it’s close enough, right? I got you other presents, anyway!”

Illness bites back her fear, and she leads her from the living room, up the hall to the front door and then out onto the driveway. Her reddened eyes light up at the sight. 

“I-It’s Sharky!” 

“We finished filming so I asked if we could keep him. They obviously weren’t going to say no to Claudia Walken!”

“This is the b-best!” she squeaks between sniffles. “It’s t-too good. Thank you s-so much!”

One week to her birthday. 

— And for the first time in seven years she does not have nightmares about it.

[slrlounge1]

Autofocus Technology is Changing, Here’s Why It’s Not Just Bells & Whistles Anymore

We’ve all heard this argument before: “My current camera gear works fine, so why should I care about new camera technology?”

It’s a common counter-argument when debating if a photographer should upgrade to the latest camera technology, or even pay attention to it. Some photographers scoff at any feature they deem to be nothing more than “bells and whistles”.

While “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” is certainly an intelligent, logical argument to make, every now and then something does come along that is so big, it changes everything. And if you don’t at least follow along and pay attention, you may really miss out as a photographer, or, as a camera manufacturer, you may get left in the dust.

Nikon F3 AF, one of the earliest cameras to offer autofocus technology (Now that’s a huge viewfinder!)

For example, when cameras first gained autofocus capability, that was big. In fact, it was one of the biggest milestones in the history of cameras. However, believe it or not, most serious pros scoffed at the idea, at first.

Pros thought autofocus was a terrible idea; they believed manual focus was the only way to reliably capture professional quality results. And for a while, they were totally right. AF technology was terrible, at first. But it got better, and eventually, it was the only way to capture certain types of photos, images that would have been extremely difficult to capture before. Now, many photojournalists, action sports photographers, and wildlife photographers can’t imagine working without autofocus.

Well, things are about to change, once again. Not in such a massive way as the invention of autofocus itself, but in a more complex, advanced way. I’m talking about the whole new way of thinking that goes with the new autofocus technology available in cutting-edge mirrorless cameras, and yes, even in some DSLRs’ live view.

Face-detection. Eye-detection. Touchpads. frame-filling AF point spread. And, my personal favorite: nearly zero AF microadjustment!

Canon EOS R, Canon RF 50mm f/1.2 L | 1/320 sec, f/1.2, ISO 1600 (Full EOS R Review Here)

Previously, I would have never trusted an f/1.2 prime lens to nail focus on a dark, active dance floor. Now, I feel like I trust face-detection autofocus more than I ever trusted DSLR autofocus on a dance floor. (On Canon and Sony, that is. I haven’t tried Nikon’s Z-series face-detection at a wedding reception yet, that’s coming soon!)

Canon EOS R, Canon RF 50mm f/1.2 L | 1/320 sec, f/1.2, ISO 1600

Bottom line: I’ve never seen so many in-focus shots at f/1.4 and f/1.2, as I have with the latest generation of mirrorless cameras and native lenses.

Eye-detection autofocus has proven to be even more “nuts” (that’s a scientific term; it means shockingly good) when it comes to nailing focus at super-fast apertures, even in bad light. Within 1-2 camera generations, I envision myself using a completely different workflow to nail focus on wedding and other types of portraits, whenever a subject is holding relatively still and facing the camera. Eye-AF (Sony’s technology) is just so good, the keeper rate is far better than any previous focusing tricks or methods that I used on my DSLRs.

And, as I’ve mentioned in my reviews of the various full-frame mirrorless cameras in the last year, for the average photographer, any small advantage that DSLR autofocus may have in certain conditions is overshadowed by the simple fact that I’m finally free of my AF nemesis: fine-tuning, AKA microadjustment. Good riddance!

Sony A9, Sony 70-200mm f/2.8 GM | Expandable Flexible (Small) Point AF

Yes, the technology still has some wrinkles to be ironed out. Yes, a flagship DSLR still has superior focusing capabilities, in certain lighting or with certain types of action. But like I said, for the average photographer, and even for most working professionals, the balance has definitely tipped in favor of on-sensor, next-generation autofocus technology.

Any camera manufacturer that delays in at least figuring out this technology will be missing out on the next generation, the new mindset behind how a camera operates. Using a touchscreen to control the AF points feels so intuitive now, I actually wish they’d replace the tiny little AF point joystick with a slightly larger pad that accepts both button-push type and touch-sensitive input.

Firmware & Software Updates For Cameras

One of the major changes in this regard has been the recent trend among a few camera makers recently: the trend of adding significant improvements, or even totally new features, to a camera, via a free (or sometimes paid) firmware update.

The Sony A9 just received a huge, free update to its autofocus technology, enhancing the subject tracking and Eye-AF capability. Eventually, the same or similar updates will be available for the A7III and A7RIII.

The Sony A9’s AF update is so impressive, I’m surprised they didn’t charge money for it! It’s like a secret free mod pack for your camera.

This type of competitive, tactical move by Sony will be a very welcomed one to existing camera owners, and it will also hopefully encourage competitive behavior from other camera makers. Indeed, in the past both Canon and Nikon have done “major” firmware updates, and there are already rumblings that they’ll be taking things up a notch with their full-frame mirrorless systems too. Canon and Nikon have already announced updates to their EOS R and Z7/Z6 cameras’ autofocus systems (respectively), but they could be even better in the future.

Sony Real-time Tracking will mark a whole new generation in AF tracking

Firmware & Software Updates For Lenses

In addition to software/firmware updates that significantly improve the autofocus capability of a camera body, we’ve also begun to see small improvements and compatibility troubleshooting, for lenses themselves. It used to be that a lens was just an optic, and the camera was in charge of everything. Now, the lens communicates with the camera, and provides all kinds of information to the camera, and in some cases, can even make decisions related to focus accuracy.

For example, a recently announced update to the Zeiss Batis 40mm f/2 offers improvements to autofocus when using Sony’s impressive Eye-AF technology. Also, it instructs the lens to automatically stop down the aperture when focusing extremely close, to avoid a loss of sharpness and to increase depth of field.

The Eye-AF improvement will likely be very welcome to anyone who is using a current-generation Sony A7-series camera, or the Sony A9.

A Totally New Way Of Focusing

In the last 15 years alone, the number of autofocus points in a camera has gone from 5-7 to 500-700. The number of autofocus options has gone from “single” or “continuous” to, well, an array of options so numerous and complex that I could spend an entire article explaining the different autofocus options and features for each brand of camera.

Many photographers are already re-training their brains to use the rear touchscreen to move their AF point around the viewfinder, instead of a tiny little “joystick button.” The Joystick button was incredibly useful when your camera only had 9-11 AF points, but now that it has hundreds, moving the selected AF point around is going to require a whole new way of thinking.

Wide AF point coverage is a major advantage for full-frame mirrorless

Some photographers have significantly reduced the amount of “moving the AF point around” entirely, by relying much more on a larger AF point zone, and face-detection or eye-detection autofocus features to nail focus in portraits, which has begun to be a truly superior way of shooting in the last few years. Both Canon and Sony’s on-sensor autofocus, even in DSLR form on the 5D mk4, are uncanny at “tap to focus” face detection when shooting in live view.

Conclusion

So, here’s the bottom line, folks: technology is going to keep marching forward, and pretty soon certain technologies which we dismissed only yesterday as “professionally unacceptable” or “not better than what I’ve currently got” will all of a sudden be far superior to the current methods we know.

In fact, many photographers who are more comfortable being early adopters than I am have already come to rely on things like face-detection and eye-detection in their autofocus, and this whole article may be old news to them! As a more “play it safe” photographer myself, though, I am here to say that this bell & whistle is here to stay.

from SLR Lounge https://www.slrlounge.com/autofocus-technology-is-changing-heres-why-its-not-bells-whistles-anymore/ via IFTTT

[torentialtribute]

The making of a snooker genius: Ronnie O’Sullivan… by those who know him best 

The remarkable Ronnie O'Sullivan with the milestone of 1,000th century breaks with a thrilling Championship in Preston on Sunday. In true O'Sullivan fashion, just switched to left-handed to roll in the crucial red.

Next best in terms of tons is Stephen Hendry, who hits 775 during his illustrious career, proving that O'Sullivan , 43, is in a league of his own.

Sportsmail spoke to those who know him best to discover the secrets to his success …

     Ronnie O'Sullivan became the first player to make 1,000 career century breaks on Sunday

RAY REARDON

(Six-time world champion and coach in 2004)

I had a bit of a calming effect on him. When he could not play all the balls I showed him there was another side to the game. It was a small department that was missing – he did not like playing that way.

Over the past 20 years he's been top notch but he's a bit better now. He's got more systems within the system. He sees the game better than anybody, much better than I saw it. The balls open up and he's so clever and in control of the cue ball. He's a bit of a genius.

He's the best player I've ever seen, when he's there. Sometimes he's in person but his mind's not on the game. But that's Ronnie. The main thing is he's happy. If you're happy you can play better.

     Former coach Ray Reardon (R) says O'Sullivan is the best player that he's ever seen

PROFESSOR STEVE PETERS

(Consultant psychiatrist)

Ronnie came to me eight years ago and we instantly formed a report. My job is to help people help themselves. It's easy when you get someone like Ronnie as he's so.

He's very hard on the mental skills and continues to do so. It's no different to the physical – it's about keeping psychologically fit. Our emotions are the beliefs we hold. We make sure these are solid beliefs which are constructive.

We stay in touch regularly and he's doing so well. I think what he's developed in his own mind is that he's absolutely driven and determined, but he's more driven than he was. He's learns to gain perspective on things and not be harsh on himself. We're hoping he'll play until he's 50. That's our aim.

     The 43-year-old has worked very hard on the mental skills

DAMIEN HIRST

(Artist and friend)

I was a Ronnie fan and when I joined him six years ago we became mates. I guess I keep him calm.

I am going to as many tournaments as I can and he comes to my Hammersmith studio to help me finish paintings. I give him a color and say: 'Put some here'. He's my assistant.

Ronnie's insane. I remember a first-to-nine against John Higgins. He was 8-3 down but said: 'He twitched, I think I've got him'. He lost 9-8 but it was mad – what on earth gives you that feeling?

That's why he's exciting – because he's instinctive. In art I aspire to that, but pain comes with it – it delivers brilliantly or terribly and that's the pain of genius. He wants to entertain. He often says: 'I'd rather lose and play well then win and play s ***.'

Ronnie's biggest fear is not knowing when to quit. He is not too interested. He's doing a good job when he is winning and he's getting the ranking points, but not doing the leg work that everyone else is.

He's happier than I've ever seen him. I just want him to be happy.

                   STEPHEN FEENEY

(Inventor of SightRight coaching)

We started working together this season. He was not enjoying playing and I did a test that showed him he was not sighting a straight line.

In practice we do around 12 long shots with his eyes shut. When I link him in the correct line all he has to do is pull the trigger.

He's incredibly focused, a perfectionist. He'll be up but he's learning to accept that he can not do everything.

If we can help him become even greater and his long game will be the best in the world, there's a big problem for other players. It's a work in progress, but if you'd like him in practice you would go: "Wow!" We're so close, it's exciting.

Can he go for another five years? Without doubt – and that's what he wants.

     SightRight inventor Stephen Feeney has no doubt O'Sullivan can keep going for five years

RHIANNON LAMBERT

(Registered nutritionist)

I started working with Ronnie in September 2017. His mood was not great, he said he was struggling to get motivated and had lost his love for the game.

He could not concentrate, had leg injuries from over- training and washing gaining weight due to high fat, high protein, low carbohydrate diet.

I stripped back his running and reintroduced carbohydrates for muscle recovery, and he lost two stones quickly. We cut down his portions, especially healthy diets at three avocados a day.

He's got a healthy routine now – porridge in the morning, snacks when he's training and healthy alternatives for dinner. He is so organized, making up batches or spices and freezing them for curries he loves cooking with his kids. I'm so proud of him.

     Nutritionist Rhiannon Lambert is proud of the snooker star for sticking to his healthy routine

                   STEPHEN HENDRY

(Seven-time world champion)

I know what he's thinking two or three shots in advance – it's a snooker brain.

When he's making a century break you look at the balls and see when he's going to split the reds. It makes commentary very easy!

He's becoming more of a percentage player. I hate that term because it does not fit Ronnie. He's still aggressive, but because he's so good he does not need to take risks anymore.

He can wait his opponent in his club, then he'll get over the frame. When he's on form it's almost perfect snooker.

                   JIMMY WHITE

(Friend and fellow Eurosport expert)

Occasionally you get sports people who like that something special – like Seve Ballesteros and Sugar Ray Leonard – and create that buzz when they play. Ronnie is one of those geniuses.

He's threatened to quit but I think that's because he's not a good traveler. But he knows sometimes he has to go to China or wherever for ranking points and when he's focused, no one has ever been more dedicated than Ronnie.

When he does the punditry at the Eurosport studio everybody listens to him, especially the players – Neil Robertson records it

They want to hear his insight because he's got such a different outlook on the game. That's why he took it to a new level. His passion for it is second to none.

                   BARRY HEARN

(Chairman of World Snooker)

I have known Ronnie since he was 12 and I hope that I am his friend.

He's as mad as a hatter but geniuses often are. He causes me a few problems but I wish I had six players like him. He's still my favorite and I'd put him above Davis, Hendry and Higgins.

It's that genius that gives him the inconsistency. He's a one-off.

Sports needs personalities and Ronnie breaks all the rules – right-handed or left-handed, a five-and-a-half-minute 147. There's never been anyone like him.

As much as I like to be in control you have to change your thinking with O'Sullivan because of what he brings to the table.

Quite often we will disagree. But Ronnie knows that I am the best in the world at what I do and I am absolutely convinced that he is the best in the world at what he does.

So we have a marriage heaven, but it's pretty damn close.

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[clevergirrrl-blog]

First Birthday

Dear Fox,

Tomorrow you will be one year old.

Holy shit.

*

I’m sitting here writing this alone in our living room, which is something that doesn’t happen too often since you were born. Not the sitting in the living room part; the alone part. You’re almost always with me, other than the hours you sleep in your crib at night. I miss you during those hours. I often sneak in to look at you, to touch your face, and sometimes - much to your dad’s annoyance - I actually pick you up while you’re sleeping and rock you in my arms for as long as I can get away with it.

I’m feeling pretty emotional thinking about you turning one. It’s probably not helping that it’s pouring rain outside and I’m listening to Hallelujah on repeat while I try to write this. The Jeff Buckley cover; the one your dad will always argue is the best. He’s right.

Since you were born, it’s my favourite song.

It’s the first song I sang to you when you were born. I sang it to you for weeks and months on end. I sang it when I myself was in a dark place after your birth, for so long. When I thought I would never heal, never be the same again, never feel the same again, never be me again.

I sang it when I was scared that I wasn’t doing this motherhood thing right. Scared that I would somehow hurt you or damage you. Scared that you would be taken away. Scared that this happiness couldn’t possibly be real.

I sang it when I was the most in love I’ve ever been, staring at your sweet face day after day, night after night. I sang it while holding you on my breast, feeding you for hours, smelling your head and listening to you breathe.

I sang it when I needed the courage to face another day, to tell myself that we would both be ok. I sang it when I didn’t know how to put into words how much I loved you.

To this day, I can’t sing it or even hear it without crying. Without thinking of you.

Hallelujah.

*

I remember the day I found out we were having you. We’d been trying for what felt like an eternity, though in the grand scheme of things it was nothing: six months. It felt especially long and agonizing, I think, because we lost our first baby while I was pregnant - just before you. We wanted you so badly, or we wanted him so badly, or we wanted to stop the pain so badly and just fast forward to joy.

Life doesn’t work that way. Healing takes time. Heartache lingers until you’re finally ready to let it go, and then it stays a while longer.

After several months of feeling sorry for myself, I was doing my best to live again. To be ok without him, without you, with just me. With your dad. We went out all the time and we stayed in together and we cooked and laughed and travelled and spent time with our friends and we worked hard and bought flowers and new sheets and we talked and cried and started over every day. I started running again, started really smiling again. That’s when you decided to show up.

I didn’t allow myself to really believe it when I saw the plus sign that morning, on January 28 - the day before your dad’s birthday. I started shaking so I sat down on the bathroom floor and let my head fall back against the wall and clenched the stick in my hand and squeezed it so hard my fingers went numb. I took a cab to the doctor’s office without an appointment and made them see me and test me and tell me that it was true, that you were real. They did and you were and I cried all day at work.

I waited until the next morning to tell your dad. I wanted to hold the news in my own heart for just a minute, to feel you glowing inside of me, just the two of us. On the morning of your dad’s birthday, I gave him a silly gift, wrapped half-heartedly in a brown paper bag with some tissue paper stuffed on top for good measure. It was a bright red “onesie” set of pyjamas. The kind you only wear at Christmas in front of your family, much to everyone’s delight and disgust. I bought a matching set in newborn size, and slid it under his adult-sized one in the bag. He picked it up and he looked at me and I had tears in my eyes and I started laughing and he knew right away.

The first time I felt you kick, we were on a beach in Sicily. I was 4.5 months pregnant and we figured it was our last chance to travel just the two of us for a while. I wasn’t sure what it was at first. It felt like a weird little flutter; quick, easy to miss. But a few seconds later you pounded on the roof of your little home so hard that we could both see and feel it, and we screamed and died laughing and spent way too much time touching my belly and waiting for it to happen again. Your dad proudly declared that you obviously loved the beach. It felt like our first clue about who you would be.

Labour started out peacefully and excitedly, around 11:30 pm on October 6, 2016. It quickly escalated into terror and panic and intense suffering. I can’t imagine ever doing it again. I still cry when I think about it, and I feel afraid. Afraid of feeling that kind of pain ever again, afraid of dying, afraid in my own body.

You came out at 11:37 am on October 7 with the help of some big scissors and without the help of any drugs. When you finally came rushing out, I have never felt more powerful, more aware, more alive. The joy I felt when they first placed you on my chest and the air was filled with your voice, crying out for me, is indescribable.

A full year later, I haven’t recovered. I can still feel it all. My body is forever marked and broken. I am changed, physically, for worse. In every other way, I am changed for the better.

*

I’d love to tell you what happens next, but it’s all a blur after that. It feels like I was carrying you home from the hospital in my arms just yesterday. I want to remember every month, every milestone, every minute, but I can’t. All I can tell you is how I felt during the past year, and how I feel right now.

I feel exhausted. Like I’ll never actually sleep again and like I’m constantly on the verge of either death or a nervous breakdown. I’m so tired that I can barely think most days, let alone string two sentences together on a piece of paper. I’m so tired that sometimes I forget what I’m saying as soon as I open my mouth. I forget my keys everywhere and I forget why I went to the store and I usually forget what day it is.

There are moments where I feel like the most vulnerable person in the world. I feel like someone is going to burst in through my front door and tell me I’m doing it all wrong and take you away and everyone will know that I’m a terrible mother.

I feel guilty for not spending enough quality time with you. And for yelling at you sometimes and for not breastfeeding you long enough and for letting you fall off the change table that one time and for being on my phone so often and for everything, really.

I feel sad that I’ve lost so many parts of myself. Sad that I don’t write anymore, that I can’t run anymore. Sad that you’re growing so quickly and I’m not paying close enough attention or cherishing every moment. Sad that you don’t cuddle me like you used to, that you’re not my tiny baby anymore. Sad that you don’t need me like you used to.

I also feel proud as hell. Proud that I made you with my body and pushed you out like a warrior and lived to tell the tale. Proud that I can do everything I used to do faster and better and more efficiently, even with a baby on my hip. Proud of my strong mom arms. Proud that I know what your different cries mean and that I know what to do to comfort you and that I how to make you smile and laugh. Proud that I breastfed you for almost 10 months. Proud that I support you financially and am going back to work to keep doing that. Proud that you’ll have a strong feminist role model to look up to your entire life. Proud of the amazing person I can already see you becoming, proud of all you’ve learned this year, proud that we both made it this far.

After surviving this first year of motherhood, I feel stronger than ever. I feel like there’s nothing I can’t do or face or overcome. I really believe that I can do anything I set my mind to, because I can finally see that I’m a hero and a boss. I’m not afraid of much anymore. I’m pretty sure I could kick anyone’s ass.

Above all else, I feel so, so happy. You make me so, so happy. The way you look at me. The way you suck your thumb and curl into me when you’re upset. The way you peak around a corner and giggle when you catch my eye. The way you make an exaggerated O-face every time something surprises or scares you. The way you laugh when I tickle you or make a silly face or pretend to get hurt. The way you look genuinely concerned when you think I might actually be hurt. The way you say my name. The way you clap and crawl and shuffle and try to climb the stairs. The way you smell and the sound of your baby voice. Everything about you.

*

I took a break in the middle of writing this to mother again. To take you for a walk, feed you dinner, watch your dad give you a bath, watch you drink your bottle, and finally, to put you to bed. Your dad was going to be the one to put you to bed tonight, and usually you’re more than happy to let him, but tonight you cried out for me.

You reached out and called my name and I dropped what I was doing and I came to you. We sat in the rocking chair. The last couple of months, you haven’t wanted to be held or rocked, which breaks my heart. I long for the days when you fell asleep on me.

Tonight, however, something was different. I sat down with you in the rocking chair and instead of pushing me away, or arching your back, you nestled in. I took a chance and cradled you like a real baby, like a tiny newborn. You don’t normally like being held that way anymore, but you were silent and unmoving. I could feel your weight in my arms. It was very dark, but I could sense you looking up at me.

I started to sing the only song that seems to really calm you. The only song that has ever put you to sleep.

Well I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don’t really care for music, do you?

Well it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall, and the major lift

The baffled king composing “Hallelujah”

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I started to cry as quietly as I could.

You could tell that I was crying, the way you always can. Whenever it happens, you stay perfectly calm. You know exactly how to soothe me. You wait until I’m done before you start softly cooing or singing, to remind me to keep singing. Sometimes you touch my face or my hair, like you did tonight. You pulled a few loose strands between your tiny fingers and you held on gently, letting me know that you’re listening, that you understand, that you’re here.

I held you close and whispered that I love you over and over. I kissed your head and your nose and your eyes and your lips. Your little hands, your baby feet. I kissed your neck and your ears and I kept singing while I rocked you and I said happy birthday, my love.

I finished the song and I put you in your crib. You sucked your thumb while I rubbed your back for a few minutes. I stood in the dark listening to the sound of both of our hearts beating.

I hope that I did an OK job this first year, Fox. I hope that when you look at me and hear my voice and feel my arms around you, you feel the same love for me as I feel for you. I hope that you can sense that I am your protector, that I would do anything for you, that I will always be here for you. I hope that you can see in my eyes that I am so proud of you and that I will never stop loving you.

Hallelujah.

[slrlounge1]

Autofocus Technology is Changing, Here’s Why It’s Not Just Bells & Whistles Anymore

We’ve all heard this argument before: “My current camera gear works fine, so why should I care about new camera technology?”

It’s a common counter-argument when debating if a photographer should upgrade to the latest camera technology, or even pay attention to it. Some photographers scoff at any feature they deem to be nothing more than “bells and whistles”.

While “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” is certainly an intelligent, logical argument to make, every now and then something does come along that is so big, it changes everything. And if you don’t at least follow along and pay attention, you may really miss out as a photographer, or, as a camera manufacturer, you may get left in the dust.

Nikon F3 AF, one of the earliest cameras to offer autofocus technology (Now that’s a huge viewfinder!)

For example, when cameras first gained autofocus capability, that was big. In fact, it was one of the biggest milestones in the history of cameras. However, believe it or not, most serious pros scoffed at the idea, at first.

Pros thought autofocus was a terrible idea; they believed manual focus was the only way to reliably capture professional quality results. And for a while, they were totally right. AF technology was terrible, at first. But it got better, and eventually, it was the only way to capture certain types of photos, images that would have been extremely difficult to capture before. Now, many photojournalists, action sports photographers, and wildlife photographers can’t imagine working without autofocus.

Well, things are about to change, once again. Not in such a massive way as the invention of autofocus itself, but in a more complex, advanced way. I’m talking about the whole new way of thinking that goes with the new autofocus technology available in cutting-edge mirrorless cameras, and yes, even in some DSLRs’ live view.

Face-detection. Eye-detection. Touchpads. frame-filling AF point spread. And, my personal favorite: nearly zero AF microadjustment!

Canon EOS R, Canon RF 50mm f/1.2 L | 1/320 sec, f/1.2, ISO 1600 (Full EOS R Review Here)

Previously, I would have never trusted an f/1.2 prime lens to nail focus on a dark, active dance floor. Now, I feel like I trust face-detection autofocus more than I ever trusted DSLR autofocus on a dance floor. (On Canon and Sony, that is. I haven’t tried Nikon’s Z-series face-detection at a wedding reception yet, that’s coming soon!)

Canon EOS R, Canon RF 50mm f/1.2 L | 1/320 sec, f/1.2, ISO 1600

Bottom line: I’ve never seen so many in-focus shots at f/1.4 and f/1.2, as I have with the latest generation of mirrorless cameras and native lenses.

Eye-detection autofocus has proven to be even more “nuts” (that’s a scientific term; it means shockingly good) when it comes to nailing focus at super-fast apertures, even in bad light. Within 1-2 camera generations, I envision myself using a completely different workflow to nail focus on wedding and other types of portraits, whenever a subject is holding relatively still and facing the camera. Eye-AF (Sony’s technology) is just so good, the keeper rate is far better than any previous focusing tricks or methods that I used on my DSLRs.

And, as I’ve mentioned in my reviews of the various full-frame mirrorless cameras in the last year, for the average photographer, any small advantage that DSLR autofocus may have in certain conditions is overshadowed by the simple fact that I’m finally free of my AF nemesis: fine-tuning, AKA microadjustment. Good riddance!

Sony A9, Sony 70-200mm f/2.8 GM | Expandable Flexible (Small) Point AF

Yes, the technology still has some wrinkles to be ironed out. Yes, a flagship DSLR still has superior focusing capabilities, in certain lighting or with certain types of action. But like I said, for the average photographer, and even for most working professionals, the balance has definitely tipped in favor of on-sensor, next-generation autofocus technology.

Any camera manufacturer that delays in at least figuring out this technology will be missing out on the next generation, the new mindset behind how a camera operates. Using a touchscreen to control the AF points feels so intuitive now, I actually wish they’d replace the tiny little AF point joystick with a slightly larger pad that accepts both button-push type and touch-sensitive input.

Firmware & Software Updates For Cameras

One of the major changes in this regard has been the recent trend among a few camera makers recently: the trend of adding significant improvements, or even totally new features, to a camera, via a free (or sometimes paid) firmware update.

The Sony A9 just received a huge, free update to its autofocus technology, enhancing the subject tracking and Eye-AF capability. Eventually, the same or similar updates will be available for the A7III and A7RIII.

The Sony A9’s AF update is so impressive, I’m surprised they didn’t charge money for it! It’s like a secret free mod pack for your camera.

This type of competitive, tactical move by Sony will be a very welcomed one to existing camera owners, and it will also hopefully encourage competitive behavior from other camera makers. Indeed, in the past both Canon and Nikon have done “major” firmware updates, and there are already rumblings that they’ll be taking things up a notch with their full-frame mirrorless systems too. Canon and Nikon have already announced updates to their EOS R and Z7/Z6 cameras’ autofocus systems (respectively), but they could be even better in the future.

Sony Real-time Tracking will mark a whole new generation in AF tracking

Firmware & Software Updates For Lenses

In addition to software/firmware updates that significantly improve the autofocus capability of a camera body, we’ve also begun to see small improvements and compatibility troubleshooting, for lenses themselves. It used to be that a lens was just an optic, and the camera was in charge of everything. Now, the lens communicates with the camera, and provides all kinds of information to the camera, and in some cases, can even make decisions related to focus accuracy.

For example, a recently announced update to the Zeiss Batis 40mm f/2 offers improvements to autofocus when using Sony’s impressive Eye-AF technology. Also, it instructs the lens to automatically stop down the aperture when focusing extremely close, to avoid a loss of sharpness and to increase depth of field.

The Eye-AF improvement will likely be very welcome to anyone who is using a current-generation Sony A7-series camera, or the Sony A9.

A Totally New Way Of Focusing

In the last 15 years alone, the number of autofocus points in a camera has gone from 5-7 to 500-700. The number of autofocus options has gone from “single” or “continuous” to, well, an array of options so numerous and complex that I could spend an entire article explaining the different autofocus options and features for each brand of camera.

Many photographers are already re-training their brains to use the rear touchscreen to move their AF point around the viewfinder, instead of a tiny little “joystick button.” The Joystick button was incredibly useful when your camera only had 9-11 AF points, but now that it has hundreds, moving the selected AF point around is going to require a whole new way of thinking.

Wide AF point coverage is a major advantage for full-frame mirrorless

Some photographers have significantly reduced the amount of “moving the AF point around” entirely, by relying much more on a larger AF point zone, and face-detection or eye-detection autofocus features to nail focus in portraits, which has begun to be a truly superior way of shooting in the last few years. Both Canon and Sony’s on-sensor autofocus, even in DSLR form on the 5D mk4, are uncanny at “tap to focus” face detection when shooting in live view.

Conclusion

So, here’s the bottom line, folks: technology is going to keep marching forward, and pretty soon certain technologies which we dismissed only yesterday as “professionally unacceptable” or “not better than what I’ve currently got” will all of a sudden be far superior to the current methods we know.

In fact, many photographers who are more comfortable being early adopters than I am have already come to rely on things like face-detection and eye-detection in their autofocus, and this whole article may be old news to them! As a more “play it safe” photographer myself, though, I am here to say that this bell & whistle is here to stay.

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