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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 9 months ago

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I listened to Elis James and John Robins on the Comedian’s Comedian podcast, as I somewhat recently passed the point in their radio show when they recorded it. It was a really good episode, even by the standards of that podcast, which are high. Very little messing around with basic explanations of stuff that we could find on their Wikipedia pages anyway, they jump straight in with analysis.

I cut out a few clips as I was listening. I meant to write a paragraph or so about each of them. I am coming back here after finishing the post to say I ended up writing a lot more than that. This one gets out of hand. It mainly stays on the topic of the podcast episode and the radio show, occasionally veers off into some personal stories of my own, makes tenuous connections between the two. That's what's below the cut that I'm adding because not everyone needs to be subjected to that.

I particularly liked this one, from the very beginning:

First of all, Elis James definitely has met another person who will start a radio episode by sighing and just saying whatever's actually in their mind instead of trying for slick broadcasting. Elis knows him very well, the mother of his children is frequently recording lines to put in that other broadcaster's shows. However, there is the key difference that Daniel Kitson's doing that on an obscure radio station (well, two obscure radio stations as he used to do Triple R in Melbourne, but hasn't for a long time, so I mainly mean Resonance FM in London) that doesn't pay him any money, while John Robins is doing it on a commercial radio station that was presumably a significant source of his income and is definitely the main source of his career success. It's definitely more a risk to try in that context.

Anyway, I'd like to put the above clip next to this one:

I'm now three years into following this radio show/listening to various podcasts and other things they've done alongside it, trying to go mostly in chronological order, and I would say they do this in one form or another approximately every six months. Just explicitly state the status dynamic between them, which is that Elis is more successful but John is funnier, this creates a couple of sources of mild tension that can be funny to listen to and give them something to play into as a double act, but it also balances out enough so their entire relationship isn't going to implode like Jon Richardson and Russell Howard. It's always a bit weird when they actually say that out loud, comedians aren't really supposed to tell us what level of status they've decided to assign themselves/each other for any given moment.

Elis James frequently says John Robins is a better comedian than him, which also a bit weird because it's the sort of thing you'd say as a joke, but he never sounds like he's joking, and it's... I mean, I was going to say it's objectively true, I guess it can't be given how subjective comedy is, but it is pretty clear cut. And it seems to genuinely not bother Elis James, which I used to think was odd, but I guess it makes sense. I've been teammates with people whom I know are better athletes than me, and we can still be friends, and if anyone asks who's better I can be honest about that. It sure would make that easier if I also somehow won more medals than they did (to continue the somewhat stretched analogy of Elis James having more TV work so that balances the scales), though sports tend to be more of a meritocracy than arts so that doesn't really happen.

There's also truth in the thing John said about how one of them has to come up with content for the radio show - they're on the same official footing, co-hosts rather than calling anyone a sidekick or whatever, but the vast majority of the funniest stuff gets said by John, and more than that, John drives most of the discussions. He usually comes in with more features and stuff prepared, he establishes a lot of the running jokes and keeps them going, he's the one who will lead most of their offshoots into weird little sketches and characters. His timing is incredible sometimes, every once in a while he'll have an episode where he's got Lee Mack levels of being able to jump on everything that gets said almost immediately and be funny every time. He seems like he can decide, pretty much based on how he's feeling at the moment but possibly also based on a sense for how much potential something has, whether to wrap up a thread in one incisive sentence or to draw it out. And it's almost always John making that decision (if it isn't the producer telling them to get on with it, that is, but it's rarely Elis' decision). Sometimes I can hear John work out the comedic potential in something they're talking about before Elis does, and Elis will start to move on but John will bring it back and guide him toward it, and eventually manage to push Elis into whatever joke John had figure out would be funny but only if Elis said it.

Having said that, and this is a tangent but discussing whether Elis James is funny just made me think of it, I've been wanting to give him credit for something. At some episode sometime in 2016, Elis James was telling a story about someone he admired, and the story was about something fairly serious, and at the end of it, John asked "Is he a laugh?", which was quite a funny thing to say in the context, it's annoying me that I can't remember the exact story but it was something like that. And it was funny to hear John be so efficiently dismissive of the sort of weird story. But later in the episode, John told one of his stories about one of those vaguely depressing things he does, like obsessively do his taxes four months in advance or drink rum alone at 2 AM and get sad while watching Queen documentaries - one of those types of stories - and at the end of it, Elis asked "Are you a laugh?" And after that, for several months, Elis James brought that back the exactly perfect number of times. I don't know how he did it, how he got it so perfect every time. He didn't drop it for long enough for regular listeners to forget that he'd made this a running joke, so it would lose its power as a callback. But he didn't say it often enough for it to start to get overused and less funny (not that those guys would ever try to milk more from one bit than it should be expected to bear... but of course we're all on email). There is such a small sweet spot, such little room for error in the frequency with which you can bring back a joke and not fall into either of those traps, and he got it perfect every time. Every time he'd said it, I'd have a moment of surprise because he'd left it just barely past the point at which it had been long enough since I'd heard it for it to get really funny again, and every time, I'd take a moment to admire his timing. He kept it going for quite a while, occasionally responding to John's depressing anecdotes from his own life with "Are you a laugh?" So, well done to Elis James, he can be funny too. Also, I mean, obviously he is regularly quite funny on the radio show, just not as funny as John Robins. It's fine, most people aren't as funny as John Robins. I'm not as good at underhook setups as my friend I hung out with the other night, but it's fine, we manage to get on with our lives.

Anyway, that was only very tenuously related to the topic of this post, let me see if I can find my way back. John Robins and Elis James having an odd balance of tensions created by John being funnier but Elis being more successful. I'm not sure that's as true now as it was in early 2014 to early 2017, which covers the period of radio episodes I've heard so far. At that time, Elis had recently had major roles in two sitcoms (Crims and Josh). He'd had one Welsh-language stand-up special released on the BBC and I think was working on recording another one. He'd done some panel show spots, more than John I think. I think he's started on his BBC television travel show with Miles Jupp. He'd gone to Europe to do TV and radio things about the Welsh football team. John Robins, meanwhile, had released the audio from a couple of his stand-up shows himself on Bandcamp, had been on Mock the Week twice and one of those times was a fucking disaster, a couple appearances on As Yet Untitled, and I think he occasionally got on things like The News Quiz but less often than Elis James did. I think he had a pretty good stand-up career going by then, but it hadn't really translated to other stuff. And John complained at times that he didn't get as many reviews and publicity as his stand-up profile deserved, though it's hard to tell if that's true or just his bias. He had a job for a while doing TV warm-up gigs, but then he got fired for what sounds like a combination of drinking too much and being too harsh for the "keep it light" atmosphere. The disparity between his profile and Elis' was probably for two main reasons: 1) Elis has the significant USP of being one of the only comedians who's fluent in the Welsh language so that gets him some stuff, and 2) the reasons outlined in that second audio clip about John having pissed everyone off.

I think their positions are different these days, though. I'm into the March 2017 episodes right now, in a few months John Robins is going to win a Perrier Award, so he can't keep complaining about not having a significant enough stand-up profile after that. That turned into a Netflix special, a significantly bigger deal than Elis' Welsh-language BBC iPlayer special. And then in 2018 he hosts a panel show, which I have downloaded but haven't watched yet, I'll wait until I get there chronologically. To be honest I'm slightly dreading getting there because I have a feeling it might be terrible. I don't think it was hugely successful because I'd never heard of it before I started looking up John Robins things this year, and I went really deep down the panel show rabbit hole in the last few years, I watched some quite obscure ones but never came across this. It also only lasted one season. But still, he hosted a panel show on Dave. That's a TV career.

And now, obviously, he's on Taskmaster. And seems to be playing large rooms in his latest stand-up tour. A tour that I'd assumed would get filmed for another TV special, though he's mentioned recently that he's planning to put it on Bandcamp like his earlier shows, and I do appreciate him keeping it real for us despite now being a Taskmaster star with a huge tour (as much as this shouldn't make sense because there can be visual humour in stand-up, I tend to prefer audio-only stand-up that's usually closer to how it actually sounded in the room, over filmed versions that get more edits). On the other hand, Elis had a TV series about Welsh comedy a few years ago. A podcast with some football players. I've just looked it up and apparently he hosts a football-based TV show on Sky, so that's nice. But the gap in TV-based success has probably closed.

But that discussion they had in that second audio clip - about John Robins not getting stuff because he's (rightly and justifiably) reaping the consequences of being a dick with a substance abuse problem, and Elis James valiantly taking on the role of Robins Apologist - that really nails, for me, what I enjoy so much about their dynamic. I think that my favourite dynamic. I fucking love anywhere where two people get that one going. That dynamic that's summed up by this post htat I remember from ages ago and have somehow just managed to find because Tumblr's terrible search function decided to work for me today:

It was about a year ago that I had the extremely clever idea of adding that Taskmaster screenshot to that other person's text post, but I maintain that it's hilarious. Guy Montgomery and David Correos were so much fun because of this. At the time, I considered instead using a screenshot from Taskmaster UK season 5, with the speech bubble pointing at Mark Watson looking at Nish Kumar. There are so many example of two people whose comedy show interactions have been hilarious because they're based on one person making terrible decisions and the other person looking at them like "I'd follow him to hell and back but I wish he'd just stop going there." And not always a him, it doesn't have to be a him! Danielle Ward and Margaret Cabourn-Smith had some good "I'd follow her to hell and back but I wish she'd just stop going there" energy on Do the Right Thing (with Danielle Ward, of course, in the Correos/Kumar/Robins position).

I'm sure I realized until right now, as I write this, how much this might be my favourite dynamic in comedy because it also characterizes my favourite relationships in my own life. And I am genuinely not sure whether that's a me thing or whether most people can slot most of their relationships into one where someone's the David and someone's the Guy, in terms of who keeps driving things to hell and who follows out of loyalty but also apologizes. When I was in high school, and also for most of my twenties, my nickname among my friends was "loose cannon" because when they were trying to be careful and diplomatic in the political battles within the increasingly high levels that we reached in the sporting world, I was the person who once yelled at my coach in a hallway because I was so angry at the way he treated the athletes, and had a letter in my coaching file by age 22 that accused me of not caring about common courtesy. A letter from a coach who refused to work with me anymore because I was insufficiently courteous, so my best friend had to liaise with him on everything while asking me to please not upset more people and further alienate our team. And I have wonderful friends who tell other people that I don't hate them, really, I just seem standoffish because I'm shy, and later on they tell me that I really need to work on my poker face/ability to be around people I hate without making it incredibly obvious that I hate them. In addition to being genuinely shy. When we tried to get someone from my team elected to the provincial board, we knew from the beginning that 1) I would do all the actual work for both the election campaign and, if successful, the role itself, because I know and care the most about the issues and am good at admin stuff, and 2) I could not be the candidate because I hate most people and everyone I hate knows I hate them because I have no diplomacy skills.

Though I do also have one friend who coaches a team in another city and he knows he can call me pretty much any time and ask me for pretty much any favour and I will do it, and I will edit his emails and do his research for him to help him fight his stupid pointless battles and to try to keep him on top of things even though he can't keep track of anything and keeps making wild badly planned decisions, and people ask me why I don't just let him fail and walk away, and I say I know he seems like a brash asshole with no ability to think ahead, but he's a really good guy, really, once you get to know him. It's got back to me that most people in our sports community assume I am or was sleeping with him, as that seems like the only explanation for why I would stick by a guy who's clearly an idiot. The truth is much weirder, he was my university teammate in 2013 and one time he was in my corner when I had a panic attack in the middle of a match at the university national championships, and he saved me and got me through it and I managed to go back and win, and that's why I had to do things like sleep on a hotel room floor for a week in Atlantic City because he'd talked me into going on a provincial team trip where he hadn't booked enough rooms (or planned anything), because he'd earned my eternal loyalty. Oh God, I just remembered how during that trip he stopped to gamble in front of children, and I ended up yelling at him in the middle of the street in Atlantic City, "You know, I argue with people about you!" And he said, "What people?" And I said "People who think you're not responsible enough to run a provincial team trip! Which is everyone! I get into big arguments with them and you make it hard when you do shit like this!" But a few years later he was the first person I called when our mutual friend died because I realized in that moment, that's the person I trust most in the world.

Anyway. What was I talking about? Elis James and John Robins. I think I was talking about Elis James and John Robins. Okay, turns out listening to people talk about the friendships that you base on blind loyalty and apologism brought some stuff up for me. I think I have, in recent weeks, at times blamed my overly emotional posting - my posts that start out as comedy analysis but then go into oversharing about my person life - on the fact that I'm going through some emotionally difficult stuff as I'm trying to avoid drinking. But that's not the case here, I think I was always going to go on that tangent. I haven't seen my friend from out of town in a while, I'm a bit worried about him. I think he might be ruining his own life again. Something was going to connect to that. Rhod Gilbert reminds me of him.

Anyway. Anyway. Elis James and John Robins. Solid double act dynamic. Weird balance of status and tensions, enjoyable running thread of loyalty and apologism. Amazingly, I'm not done, here's another clip I cut out of that ComCom interview:

This is the second time I've heard John Robins tell this story, and I had the same reaction as the first time, which was: Oh my God oh my God oh my God, how were you ever able to sleep again? The horrible sharp pain of this story keeps me awake at night, just imagining what it would be like if that happened to me, and it didn't even happen to me. How could you ever sleep if it did? John Robins frequently tells stories from what he calls the "shame well", those things that happen where you obsess over how you did something wrong and regret it. John is constantly making jokes (or just statements) about how he lives a life mired in shame and regret. But still, I don't see how he can just casually throw this one out there like it's just another shame well story. It's so much worse. It's the worst one I've heard. I would hide under my bed for the rest of my life.

John Robins went on Adam Buxton's podcast in 2016, I have listened to that episode and it's not great. You want to talk about dynamics created by a differential in status - I think that one went way too far, to the point where nothing could really happen. There was this huge discrepancy of John Robins meeting his hero, which will often make someone sort of adorably giddy but not in this case, he just seemed a bit out of it and subdued. While on the other side, Adam Buxton appeared to have no idea who John Robins was, so not much discussion got generated. It wasn't a complete disaster, but I could understand why John didn't plug that one on his radio show, despite plugging most of his podcast appearances.

Anyway though, if I can manage to get past the sheer horror of the first part of that clip, the second part was sort of nicely validating. Because I am slightly weary of how much my trip down the Elis and John rabbit hole has got quite intense quite quickly, even by my standards of comedy obsession, and possibly taken a turn for the parasocial. I mean, I am currently writing a multi-page post about an interview they gave and it includes several paragraphs about my own life that are only tenuously related, in a way that I can say "Look I do the same thing as these guys I've never met."

The intensity of that has definitely been accelerated by the fact that I happened to, by a genuine coincidence, get into this show at the same time as I decided to try to slow down and/or stop drinking, and God, a lot of the ways in which John Robins talks about alcohol and anxiety resonates. And yep, I'd feel weird admitting it because I know it's sort of inherently creepy to say "they feel like my friends" about some people you've never met, but since John Robins said it first I think I can admit those headphones do make a difference. Might be another reason why I prefer the Bandcamp comedy to a Netflix special.

They touch on this throughout the ComCom interview - not so much in the clips I cut out but throughout the whole thing, it really is worth a listen if you're interested in this - the way their radio show gets so many letters from people who thank them for talking so honestly about mental health issues, people who say they've dealt with their own difficult shit and find this radio show has helped. Probably lots of shows get similar letters, but I think it's safe to say this one gets more than most. The Bugle used to read out their correspondence and Andy Zaltzman wasn't getting people every day saying "Thank you for making me feel less alone in my depression."

They really are good at that, at hitting the exact right balance of honest without being overbearing about it. For a show that spends so much time talking about symptoms of mental health problems, they almost never use the words "mental health". They never sit down and say "let's have a talk about what it's like to live with anxiety." They just describe their week, in more honest detail than you would normally hear on commercial radio. And leave in the parts where they panic about every decision they've ever made and get drunk alone in the middle of the night and cry because they think they've done everything wrong. And by "they", I mostly mean John.

I do like their word, "darkness". I didn't realize, when I first watched The Darkness of Robins in 2022 (a show John first performed in 2017, won a large award for it, released as a Netflix special in 2018, but I watched it in 2022), that that title's been around for ages. Elis James made a joke in an early radio episode, from 2014, about how someday, John should do a show called The Darkness of Robins, where he just lays bare all his anxieties, all his weird toxic quirks and control freak tendencies and oceans of shame and regret and various addictions/self-medication and cynicism and bitterness and anger and deep self-loathing. Elis said this as a joke, the joke being that you can't just put all that in a comedy show. But they kept the joke going for years. John did the Richard Herring podcast, in which he talked a bit about some of the more difficult mental health struggles he's had, and when he plugged it on the radio show, instead of saying "I talk about some of my more difficult mental health struggles", he said, "There's a fair bit of the darkness of Robins in it." And then he started casually referencing it on the show, describing a night when he might have drank too much and had a panic attack with a causal and sort of joke-y "I got overcome by the darkness for a little while." And then they started describing those emails from listeners who say it resonated with "[Person] has emailed in to say they've been afflicted by a touch of the darkness, sorry to hear that." And I just love that word. It's used with enough genuineness to make it clear that they're not making fun of mental health problems, they really do have them and it does feel dark. But also with enough irony - obviously there is irony in using a term as grandiose as "The Darkness of Robins" to describe panicking at 3 AM about something bad you said in school - to make it feel like it's not an after school special. I also like that they found a way to let that word mean no one has to name a diagnosis, to narrow their issue down to a loaded term like "I suffer from clinical depression", when not everyone who has that is diagnosed, not everyone is comfortable naming it, not everyone finds it easy to separate their symptoms into clear-cut causes. They can just use a shorthand like "the darkness".

It has been good, to have this radio show for the last couple of months that have brought some darkness into particularly sharp focus, as I decided to quickly remove the maladaptive self-medication. I've tried to stop writing about it so often the way I did earlier in the year, but as a little update on how that's going, still bad. Not enjoying it. Getting mildly parasocial about some guys on the radio might not be hugely healthy, but it's a healthier coping mechanism than whiskey, I guess. I'd really like some whiskey. Anyway I'm fine.

I do think that's why I find that Adam and Joe story so incredibly painful, though. I get paranoid about whether I get too parasocial about the comedians I like, I try really hard to be self-aware about it and be super clear that I know what I'm getting is a curated public persona and I do not actually know these people, and I am mortified at the thought of being one of those fans who thinks they actually are my friends and therefore they should know something about me. No one should know me. I hang out on Tumblr because it's the one social media platform where I know no famous people are searching their own name or anything, everyone's just an anonymous nerd. The thought of anyone knowing me makes me want to hide under my bed for the rest of my life. Though having said that, John Robins and Elis James are always very nice about people who write in with darkness emails.

Amazingly, I'm still not done this post:

Throwing this in just to say, once again, that I'm sorry for having also thought this but in my defense it's not just me. I am truly sorry that when I first heard John Robins got sober, my first thought was... but he's still going to be bitter and angry and annoying and plagued by regret and self-loathing, right? Because that's kind of the cornerstone of his comedy and is what I love so much about it. I mean obviously I want him to be happy, but could he release a couple more stand-up hours first?

I feel genuinely guilty for having thought that, especially because I do hold the sort of political belief that it's bullshit to say one must suffer to make great art, van Gogh did his best work once his mental illness was being treated, and all that. I do believe it applies to more contemporary things too. Jason Isbell made his best music after getting sober. I think James Acaster's best stand-up show might be his current ones, and it's a "let me tell you how therapy has made me healthier" show. But John Robins did base a lot of his comedy on being bitter and angry and annoying and plagued by regret and self-loathing. That's sort of my favourite thing about it.

I felt slightly better when I re-listened to his 2014 show (recorded in 2015) This Tornado Loves You, and was reminded that he admitted that himself:

That's John Robins talking about how his comedy has suffered because he's too happy in his relationship with Sara Pascoe, a relationship that has ended a 20-year search for happiness. And it goes with the clip I posted before that from the ComCom episode, of Elis James saying it's nice that John's relationship with Sara Pascoe recently ended, because it's given the quality of his comedy a real boost. And maybe they should just ruin John's life regularly to keep it that way. So it's not just me who had that horrible thought.

I'm feeling the need to clarify, once again, that of course I don't genuinely think that's a good thing. Obviously it's good that he got sober, for his sake but also, reports suggest his latest show Howl is excellent. I think Howl was written partly while he was drinking and partly while he wasn't, but performed after he'd quit, and the fact that it's done so well suggests that people can, in fact, make their best stuff after getting their shit together (I haven't actually heard the show, he's said he'll release it on Bandcamp sometime soon-ish, probably). And even if his comedy did get worse, which it clearly hasn't, it would still be best that he quit drinking because suffering wouldn't be worth great art, even if it were required for it. That's how it works. Drinking is bad for you. I definitely don't want to drink any whiskey right now. It's fine.

But. But. I recently re-listened to John Robins' episode of Isy Suttie's podcast, The Things We Do For Love. This is a rare instance that I've heard of a comedian being genuinely drunk while recording something. It's happened before that comedians will claim to be a bit loose and tipsy, but not usually so drunk that they're slurring their words. John Robins on Isy Suttie's podcast was slurring his words. He kept losing track of the question and interrupting at inappropriate moments. It's one of those things that makes me say "Oh, yeah, you really needed to quit drinking. This really was affecting your career, that's just a guy who showed up to work too drunk to effectively do his job."

But it was really funny. It made me laugh so many times. At one point he gets furious because Isy Suttie asked him whether he knows how to drive a car. Later on he threatens to murder her and Elis for their sitcom money, which would have been an okay joke but tbere was a bit of a sense of line crossing when he also threatened their child. (Fun side note that has nothing to do with John being drunk: at one point Isy tells a story about her ex-boyfriend, John Robins asks what the ex's name is but she refuses to say, which is weird because I know. It's weird that I know something about Isy Suttie that John Robins didn't, at least on that day.) It's a mess. It's hilarious. I feel vaguely guilty for finding that so funny, the same way I do about the episodes of No More Jockeys where Mark Watson gets properly drunk - that guy's probably got a problem too, I probably shouldn't laugh at it so much, but I also find those the funniest episodes. I have the say, the episode of Adam Buxton's podcast where John Robins was sort of awkwardly reserved would probably have been funnier if John had gotten drunk before it.

My best defense for that is I would not want John Robins to actually be drunk when he performs stand-up, or certainly when he writes it. Being drunk made him funnier on a podcast interview where he's supposed to tell off-the-cuff stories, because off-the-cuff stories get better when someone's filter has been broken down. But also, in his actual stand-up, or even his actual radio broadcasting, John Robins is doing a thousand little things at once to make what he's saying funnier. He's the master of the well-timed pause and the carefully chosen word. None of that would be any good drunk. So I maintain that you don't need to suffer addiction to make great art. It might help a bit to make funny tangents on an interview podcast, but not the actual substance. Also, however funny I found it, I don't think he was proud of that one. On the radio show, John plugged his appearance on Isy Suttie's podcast before he did it, but not one word about it on the radio after it had been recorded, even though most of those things he'll plug both before and once they're released. Though in a later episode of her podcast, Isy mentioned that the first guest she'd had on was a very drunk John Robins, who called her the next day desperately asking her to cut out the sexually explicit story he'd told using an old girlfriend's real name.

And she did cut it out, it's not in the podcast, as it shouldn't be, because it's not responsible to tell sexually explicit stories in something that's being recorded and will be published, if the audience knows the real name of the person you're talking about. Having said that, I've finally reached the point in the radio show where John's doing WIPs of The Darkness of Robins, where he does just that about Sara Pascoe, and I'm having a bit of trouble morally justifying how much I like the show in spite of that. I think I'll re-watch that show tomorrow, for the first time in nearly a year and a half. I'll see how that goes. I remember it as being very, very good. But also, in the last few weeks, I've had three different people watch it because of my posts about John Robins, and all of them came back to me to point out that the stories about Sara Pascoe are pretty inappropriate to tell on stage. I'm still holding out hope that I'll hear him clarify on the radio show that he did run that stuff by her before saying it publicly, or at least before recording it for Netflix.

Anyway, this post got a bit out of hand. I've tried for the last couple of weeks to slow down on my posting about the Elis/John radio show, and the posting about my personal life, but I seemed to have built up a lot to say and put it all in this one. I'm doing fine.

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amaiguri · 1 year ago

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Wanna see the business side of story-based games?

Me! I want to! 👋 Hi, I'm Amaiguri. I'm a full time gamedev and I've released two games before and correctly predicted how much money I would make each time! Wow!

I've been considering converting the webfic I write into a story game of some kind -- a visual novel or a RPGmaker game or maybe even a walking sim? But I didn't know what I wanted to make!

This story has been THE STORY of my early adult life here -- it is SO important to me. So, while I'm a huge advocate of making whatever you want, I wanted to ensure whatever I put my effort into would be VAGUELY marketable. (Because, lemme tell you, webnovels are not marketable XD)

Before I dive in too deeply, **BIG DISCLAIMER**:

I am not a business person. I am using big, wide guestimates to make non-essential business decisions with myself. BUT I want to share my learnings with you. So, take everything I say with a grain of salt and JOIN ME on this journey:

Earlier this month, I made a post about wanting to make a visual novel. Specifically, a kinetic visual novel where you don't make choices and you just read basically. SO I've now done research into how well they sold. I used THIS website to determine how much money each of these games made (VERY loosely):

Juniper's Knot: ~$4k USD

Higurashi (The Whole Series): ~$300k USD (Averaging like 400 reviews per game and $50 for the whole bundle)

House in Fata Morgana: ~$1 million USD

I picked these out mostly because these are the small handful of kinetic novels I have actually heard about. I'm not saying there aren't other, more successful ones I haven't heard about but I figure, if I'm supposed to be representative of my target audience, I'm as good of a sample as any for this wild estimation.

Besides, Higurashi has a whole anime -- it is definitely fair to use that as an upper end -- and Juniper's Knot -- a tiny game no one has heard of -- as the lower end. (I mean, $0 is the lower end, but... you know...)

This paints a pretty stark picture, honestly. Like, this is looking at 6 to 8 years of work for... maybe a couple thousand for me? Realistically? Maybe up to $300k if I'm super lucky and go viral? And I'm not saying that isn't LIFE CHANGING money but like in the MOST MIRACULOUS scenario here, I am compensated less than my current salary for my current magnum opus. But realistically, I'm looking at maybe $1-4k if I get lucky. I'm not a horror-writer and I'm not a romance writer -- I will not have THAT feral of a fanbase XD And on top of all of that, I don't even play that many kinetic visual novels. I'm barely in my own target demo here!

Now, compare that to the numbers I ran on RPGmaker games where you just do narrative and there is very minimal gameplay:

Rakuen: 4000+ Reviews, over $100k in profits estimated

To the Moon: $8 Million in profit

A Bird Story: Definitely sold worse than To the Moon, was cheaper to make and cheaper to buy -- estimated at $397k

Wadanohara and the Great Blue Sea: Dunno cuz it's free BUT its manga adaptation has 267 reviews on Amazon -- so the creator COULD have made bank on the actual game

See how much higher those are? Even when they're not as well known? And sure, the bottom is still $0 ultimately but the upper limit, with the most successful of these titles (and incidentally, the video game that convinced me to get into Game Design) is much much higher.

"BUT BELLE! Laura Shigihara did the music on a lot of those! You don't have Laura Shigihara!"

Ok BET! I'll hire her! The base industry rate for music per minute is $100/min. Let's suppose now she charge 10x that, cuz she's famous -- $1k/minute of music. I get her to compose a 3 minute song for $3k BUT she also brings over... say... 5% of her audience to check out my game.

That's admittedly, a high conversion rate so we'll just take 5% of Rakuen. Now, I'm imagining I'd charge like $25/copy of my game because it's gonna be like 300k words -- people pay $25 for a book of that length, so if I have art and programming also, I can do that. With just her 5% of Rakuen reviewers (21 reviewers of her 4.3k), that's like $7k USD. So, she'd probably just pay for herself and then some.

And to top all this off: I'm back in the target demo. I am ABSOLUTELY the kind of person who will play a solodev's RPGmaker game and forgive all jank and flaws and lack of gameplay if the story, art, and music are good.

That is, of course, making the assumption that I'll make good music and art 🥺🥺🥺

Now obviously, all this is WILD guestimates so like. You shouldn't make business decisions off this. I'm barely making "business" decisions -- I'm making hobby decisions. I have a full time job and I intend to keep it. BUT I think it's pretty clear where the potential money might be for me -- RPGmaker games.

Eris (Blinking): Thank you for reading!

#gamedev #story games #visual novel #rpg maker #rpgmaker #visual novel development #game development #game industry #indie dev #indie games #amaiguri

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neckromancy · 8 months ago

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Not self ship related.

I've barely told anyone but I've decided to fuck it all and book my dream vacation.

I've been saving up since I was 19 to go to New Zealand. I am 31 now. I've had enough savings for a while and it has actually caused me so much financial distress to have so much money in my bank account; any financial benefit was forfeit despite being low income. I've saved hard with the little that I've always had. Only since a year ago I became more financially stable, although old habits die hard, I am still quite scarce in what I spend on food, living etc... I've always prioritized my dream vacation. The thing to keep going for, the reason to live, etc etc.

I've not booked my holiday because I had fear of going alone. I have autism and I get stressed out easily, and when I get stressed, I basically blank out, nothing makes sense anymore, and I basically go crazy (not in an angry way, but just a very upset way).

However, I've been grinding my gears so hard over this. None of my friends shared this dream and only in recent years it had come to light that some are interested. Issue is that they never saved up for it, and I honestly felt my heart dropp when they told me they would be ready no sooner than 2029.

A lot can happen in those years. They can lose interest, they can fail to bring up their savings, any of us can get cancer and die - YES this is literally where my mind goes. I genuinely often think about getting some terminal disease before I can go. I'll also be closer to 40, I am overweight, will I be as capable of going? It brings a lot of anxiety. Heck, what if my financial situation turns around again and I have to go back the way I lived before? My savings started draining VERY hard because I had to find out I cannot work fulltime and I had to eat away at my New Zealand money, watching my dream falter slowly, because any financial benefit... I was just not eligible for unless my savings would lower drastically.

So I've been thinking for a couple months now, more than half a year actually... about going alone after all. I've had so many talks in therapy, with fellow colleagues, just... people, about the situation, and honestly... I've cut the tie.

I'm going to New Zealand. I'm like ... crying over how much stress it is giving me, yet also joy. I've booked a trip and paid for the deposit. To pay for the rest I am still managing bank administration.

It's just giving me SO much stress though.

I've had to do the one thing I hate: install a banking app on my phone. It is the only way for me to do a payment above the 5k threshold, they literally won't let me do it through the browser (I tried, I called them, and I hate phone calls). I had to order a credit card because it is the only way to get my e-visum, along with accidentally uploading the wrong photo which means that I have to re-do it after they find the mistake in a few days, which I also needed to install an app for... gods!

I never wanted my phone to be involved with any financial things, but I suppose it's worth it for my dream vacation.

But here's the thing.

I did not tell the friends yet. The ones I'd go with. I am still too heartbroken by the 2029 shocker. I don't know how to tell them I'm going by myself, that I said "fuck it, 2024 is my year" and went ahead with it.

It's why I am posting about it on this blog and not my personal one, one of them follows me there.

I don't really know how to deal well with this. I'll first focus on getting my administration sorted, because god damn.

A cancellation insurance costs another 500 euros, and for what? The small chance I end up hospitalized and cannot go anymore? I have 6 more days to pick it up... but for now I am too stressed. It's just so much to do all of this by myself.

Oh, and the only reason I am capable of doing this alone is because I am taking a guided tour. No way I could do without, I have no driver's license or anything. The tour includes the flight, the hotels, the travel... it's nice. I just need to do a separate booking to visit Hobbiton, obviously I am going to Hobbiton. For that I also need to wait for my credit card...

I'll be so relieved when all administration is done.

#mirika.txt #The biggest rant that has ever ranted.#I just needed to write tbh.

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leam1983 · 3 months ago

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The worst are the leprechauns.

Padraig O'Gill, who I mostly just anglicize to Patrick so the occasional late-night donut-runner doesn't risk seeing past his Veil, is the only one who doesn't use the whole "pot of gold" loophole to mess with me. The short of it is you're not supposed to separate a leprechaun from its gold even if he attempts to purchase something with it, seeing as you don't want to give it cause to visit you again. Hollywood kind of screwed the pooch in suggesting the Little People kill people who take their money (thanks, Warwick Davis) - when they actually don't.

No, the real dangerous ones are the actual Sidhe, the kinds who actually go about abducting kids or conning idiotic parents into letting a fairy godmother get involved. The Tir Na Nog, though; they're not much for Faustian bargains. They've got refreshingly human aspirations, for the most part: food, warmth, safety, companionship - that route. They just don't have an off switch.

Think it's less dangerous than serving a basic machiatto to a relative of Puck's at 2 AM? Think again. Thankfully, you also get cases like Patrick's, sometimes, whereby one of the weaker Fae's been around us humans for so long they're just starting to get the gist of things.

I've been playing charades with Niamh Nettle-Hair for the past twenty minutes and I'm just about losing my mind that the older elf tottles in, grunts his way up one of my stools and gives his younger friend a knowing look and a shooing gesture.

"That's enough o' you, lad; our friend Peter here needs some down-time before closing up. I'll just have an Americano - same as usual."

I nod to the grizzled old lep, his ears almost more batlike than elfin, with his advancing years. Niamh, though, doesn't get the message. He starts to answer in iambic pentameter, something to the effect of needing to pay, and I plaster on my best, hopefully least-harrowed smile imaginable.

"Nonono, it's fine, Niamh; you've already paid! Your, er, gracious companionship this eve was payment enough, trust me!"

I barely have time to catch's Pat's wincing look and his gritting his teeth that Niamh practically beams like a solar flare. "Well, then, I'll stay! You'll be ever more delighted!"

I'm within an inch of snapping when Pat saves me the trouble. I don't know how old he is, exactly, but he's the only one of the Little People who sounds like a local.

"Peter's a human, Niamh; he's mortal and if you keep him up until next midsummer, you'll have nothing to show for it other than a pile of bones and broken mortal trinkets! Time might not matter to us, but it matters to them!"

Nettle-Hair is practically a child, as far as leps go. "You mean he'll go to the worms?" he asks, as if that were unthinkable. Pat's response is simple and incisive. "Off with ye - straight to the toadstools, or else I'll tell your saint of a mother you've gone around trying to make sense of this Internet thing, again!"

See, the Little People have their own sense of etiquette, and actually caring about mortal trappings is a bit of a faux pas for them. In this respect, Patrick's a bit of a social outcast among them. In any case, it's enough to send the runt packing, and for me to serve Pat his Americano.

"You never did tell me why you show such an interest in us, when the others don't."

Pat smirks. "I like ye, Peter - I truly do. That said, how do you think the ice-men from before looked at your ancestors? It's people like you who beat the Sidhe's games, shape the world, fight wars - and the whole lot of you's losing their connection with the Old Ways, as time passes."

He takes a sip. "It takes an old elf to realize there aren't any riddles left to hand out, no spells left to cast, no curses to lob - and you're finding your magic in politics, buying stuff, computers, doxies onscreen - anywhere except where the Old Ways lead. You've charted those paths, stuck little drinking fountains every other half-mile, put up some signs and then - locked the gate."

He shook his head. "Next you'll tell me Venus isn't actually the goddess of love, it's actually some... toxic ball suspended in a black void that would kill anything alive."

I made a face, but didn't actively comment. I didn't need to. Pat's ears drooped, and he took another bitter sip of Americano.

"The wee ones don't know, Peter. Magic is waning. And humans aren't noticing. Those who do, well... most don't know the real Old Ways."

I smirked at that and leaned on the counter. "I beg to differ," I said, pointing at his cup. "What's more sacred than a drink offered?"

I winked at the old leprechaun. "This one's on the house."

There was a tiny spark in those beady eyes, a hint of a smile, and a lightening of his expression that felt like the most silent, yet deafening scream of gratitude I'd ever heard.

I'm no magician, no warlock, no poet - but I do understand. Bake donuts and bread and brew coffee for late-night stragglers from across the Pale for as long as I have, and you pick up a few bits of wisdom.

I'm just glad most leprechauns aren't actually attracted to human-sized bars and taverns, though - the customers would think someone's gone around spiking drinks...

You run a Bakery, just a normal bakery, the only problem is that your customers at midnight to 6AM are mythical creatures who pay with gemstones and ancient gold and silver coins

#writing prompt

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nonbeas · 1 month ago

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I really like music

Tuesday, October 8th 2024

My name is Bea Banis, and my name is an alliteration, which is only cool if you're a huge nerd and are into that kind of thing.

I don't think I have any kind of foresight. I don't know what I want my future to be like. I only would come up with scenarios because school would make you do it.

Freshman year we took a quiz instead of homeroom. It was supposed to help you explore careers. A lot of kids already had an idea of what they want to do, so the quiz didn't mean anything. For the kids who didn't, it was supposed to be helpful. It wasn't really helpful for me, it just made me more confused, in the end. I don't remember what the actual results were, all I knew is that I didn't want to do whatever it was. But at the end you could explore all the possibilities and it would tell you what you would need to do to have that career, like what kind of schooling you would need, what the hours and pay are like.

I looked at being an author first, because in fifth grade I was voted "most likely to write a best seller" and I really liked books. I liked reading and I liked writing fan fiction. I never wrote any original content. But that was freelance, and it was a lot of work for not a lot of money, unless you made it big like Stephanie Meyer.

Then I explored music. I didn't know what I liked about music at the time, all I knew was I liked being in band. I found out that the study of music is called "musicology" and that even that profession didn't really have that much going on. It's one of those professions that require a lot of schooling only for the end result to be a professor, and I consider that kind of thing to be an academic version of a pyramid scheme. If I could afford to just be a scholar, like if I was a rich man in the 1800s, that's certainly what I would do.

In the end, I kind of disregarded the results. I would tell people that the quiz said I'd be an author, but I didn't commit to it. I kind of forgot about it and just focused on getting good grades and being in band.

The two classes I really excelled at, other than band, was biology and world history. I got 5's on both the AP exams for those classes. I decided I might want to go to college for biology. I didn't know what for specifically, because even though I liked biology, I didn't do any actual research into what I would even do with it. When I did, I would get really anxious, or maybe bored.

I also went to music camp every summer, except for one year, when I went to Europe instead. I made a lot of higher achieving friends on that Europe trip, and I wanted to be like them, so I did things like try out for regionals, and make it, of course. That's when I really started getting into music. The last year I went to music camp, right before I was about to go to college for biology, I had a crisis and decided to minor in music.

During my first year of college, I joined marching band, joined a music sorority, and got a contract with a drum corps. So, I changed my major to music, because that made more sense in the moment. My professor tried to get me to do a performance degree, because I was actually just a really good performer. I could sight read, I could pick up technique, and I could memorize pretty fast. My musicality was pretty good because I liked to make up stories for every solo I played. But everyone else was saying that music education would give me a steady career after school, and I fell for it because of the stability.

Except I never actually wanted to teach children.

I mean, I can teach, and I like it. But I don't like classrooms.

So basically, I should've done a private studio as a performance major, and I maybe could've really gotten into things, like auditioning for symphonies, or putting together a band.

And right now, I like arranging and composing music.

But other than that, I'm not even doing anything.

So here I am in the future, and it's exactly like when I would try to envision it when I was in high school. Nothing.

#asexual #biromantic #music #biology #gifted kid burnout #future #school #college #university #journal

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cow-legs · 9 months ago

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Of course it does feel a little silly to make big update posts about how im burned out and am trying to take a break from drawing right in the middle of a time where im uploading new art more relatively consistently than i have in a very long time it feels like but i guess it was still important to make the distinction, between things that i enjoy drawing and can keep doing vs things i dont enjoy doing at all and need to stop immediately, just for my own sake.

Openly telling people "yuuup i'm not going to be drawing anything other than super basic shit from now on for a long time" means that whenever i think of drawing anything post-worthy i know i will feel silly for posting it after saying that, and from there if i still decide to go through with it anyway it was probably something i actually wanted to draw and enjoyed doing while if this thought made me self conscious enough to not go through with it then it was probably something i wanted to draw only due to impulsive obligation rather than something i wanted to spend time making just for the fun of doing it so the spell gets broken. So its a functional enough system, i guess.

&now that this distinction has been made in my brain i can spend more time doing shit i actually enjoy instead of letting it get beaten out by the things i "should" be working on every time

Putting my foot down and going "no, i am not going to keep forcing myself to do detailed clean lineart on even more detailed sketches when i get much more enjoyment out of just doing really rough and simple shit instead" after i have found myself independently coming to realizations about what kinds of art just suck the life out of me over and over again and then just disregarding these realizations every single time to go back to the shit that kills me because "well this is how you normally do it" or "this technically looks nicer, in some aspects" and finally just fucking forcing myself to stop doing that is probably overall more helpful to my mental health than just forcing myself to stop drawing altogether when thats a drastic move that may or may not be the actual solution. Now i am finding and re-learning ways to create things that don't make me feel like i am a walking corpse so i think i will take the feeling of thinking i look a little silly for seemingly disregarding my big life updates over never having found these things out for myself at all any day.

I don't really know why i feel like making update posts in the first place when to be honest i dont think it really matters, people arent paying me for any of this and i stopped feeling "sorry" for "not posting enough" or such things as that a long time ago so it's not like i feel any kind of legitimate need to tell people about what my status is creative-wise. But i guess a large part of it is just that i like talking and have a lot of things to say but for various personal reasons have no desire to post 99% of these thoughts publicly so it's the like rare chance i get to actually start saying shit on any of my art accounts that is actually relevant to the subject at hand without crossing my own boundaries and saying more than i am comfortable with

It is a little weird feeling writing update posts though because i dont really know how to word them in any way that doesnt come off as a fanfic authors note going "sorry its been a whole 20 minutes since the last update i got mugged and all my money was stolen and he broke my leg also but im trying my best to write more despite this" like girl focus on the mugging not this shit. When in reality i actually dont care very much about providing Content as much as the hypothetical fanfic author i just felt the need to say something because why not and didnt know how to word it in a way that makes me not come off like that. which is how you get this i guess. anyway i already forgot what the point of this post was i guess i just wanted to say some shit. which tracks i suppose.

The moral of the story or some shit i guess is that even if you are not doing art as a job it can still end up feeling like one and killing your creative spirit like one would and you need to be able to identify when this is happening and what things you dont actually want to create even though you feel like you "should" so you can kill these practices before they kill you

or something like that

I dont really care about having a point here i wrote this at 2 am

i just like talking

#this post will self destruct

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inutaffy · 2 years ago

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If m!leven was healthy (in which i compare cobra kai 5 to stranger things 3)

sam = el & miguel = mike

so in cobra kai, it's basically all about karate but also interpersonal relationships and things like bullying and trauma (and how people react or deal with the trauma)

similar to stranger things which is about supernatural things happening to people in a small town, it also deals with interpersonal relationships and trauma

so little backstory: miguel left for mexico at the end of season 4, and he came back at like season 5 episode ... 2 or 3 maybe. this put a strain on his relationship with sam

miguel's friends' hawk/eli and demitri tell him he needs to get an apology gift for sam

sound familiar ?

now okay, miguel is 17 and obviously has money compared to mike who is 13 and is apparently broke (ik karen give him an allowance he lying 🙄) but he could have gotten SOMETHING, anything honestly, lucas would have helped pay for a fucking bracelet in her fav color or something. anyway

here is the necklace miguel got. orginially miguel was like.. it's perfect (the octopus is a symbol for their relationship because he bought her a octopus on their first date) but he then said "but i'm probably not going to be able to afford it ..." then employee said "actually it's been reduced" (and though it was still expensive ... it was like 182) but he bought it for her! HE WAS ACCOMMODATED ? it's almost like the writers wanted him to show his affection for her? ??? at all costs???

and then the bear charm.... which was extremely expensive (definitely played up for comedy) i think i was like 300 something? correct me if i'm wrong, mike was sneered at after he gave a big smile to the employee, and stormed out of the store "i should have shoved that bear right up his-" and cut off. there's a distinct difference here. the bear doesn't really mean much to their relationship (but i think it's canon that el likes bears idk ?) or to mike actually, and he walks out of the store literallt empty handed....... nothing to show for lying to her..... or his feelings (a bit reductive bear w me . yes im making puns)

okay so, all of season 3 it was lucas giving mike advice. well miguel went to sensei lawrence for some advice

this entire time he's very drained and sad about him and his girlfriend maybe breaking up, "I have a feeling she's still mad at me and i want to fix it but we haven't spoken in awhile and honestly i'm not sure what i'm supposed to say." "i've been there. how about the truth?"

it's a very enlightening scene for miguel, that he just needs to be honest and see how it works out. due to his age hes more mature than mike is at the time, but mileven's entire relationship is used for jokes a lot of the time.

here he says "she knows i'm lying she KNOWS i'm LYING" (he was mostly lying because of hopper, but he doesn't say that until EPISODES later. how about the truth mike?) lucas insists on getting her a present etc etc they end up at the mall. this isn't played off as the cute teen montage with el and max. mike is frustrated and irritated like... the entire time. and lucas is so exasperated and will doesn't even know why he's here (mike doesn't acknowledge his existence unless will speaks up) the boys' montage is just cringe fail losers im so deadass😭 and elmax's is #LiveLaughLove. like i said. empty handed. nothing to show for his feelings.

Now i have to compare the break-ups! bro sam literally been fighting her demons 💀 anyways el broke up with mike to be more independent and find stuff she likes right? well sam broke up with miguel to work on herself and find herself as a person outside of karate. sort of similiar ??

the miguel and sam break up had very somber music and TEARS. DO YOU HEAR ME? T E A R S.

here he said he was SORRY. mike didn't apologize until like 2 episodes later...... intyways.... he says the truth and "i wasn't thinking about you. or us." and she said "miguel you don't need to explain-" blah blah. and then "i need a little break. to figure out who i am outside of all that (karate)" here she starts to tear up and miguel goes "when you say break what do you mean...? break from karate? break from me?" to which she replies: "i'm not okay right now-" IS CRYING. "and i don't think i will be until i figure this out for myself" which i think is a lot like el finding herself and style (a lot less teary eyed tho) and miguel says he understands and they HUG

and then he walks away... and starts to cry, and then drops the octopus necklace in her backyard because now they're no longer in a relationship blah blah it hurts ahhh also. losing that symbol of their relationship because they broke up

he didn't get to give it to her !!!

now if we look at mileven, which wasn't alone, which was actually for giggles, and there wasn't a wet eye in the house

there's 3 other people here (albeit know about the situation) who they are airing out their problems and arguments to rn. like she dumps him publically. right in front of a mall. in front of all his friends "i dump your ass😜" is so jarring from "i need a little break (voice crack)" anyways in this screenshot is when mike starts to KEEP LYING?? .... get you a man committed to the bit i guess. i mean he could have said right here "im sorry... hopper threatened me that if i didn't stay away from you well...." blah blah he's fucking insane. like i felt like he was just doing anything to justify it which makes it seem he didn't actually want to be around her? regardless of hopper.... which is .... odd considering how "crazy" he is about her (😉)

here she asks "you lie. why do you lie?" and he just doesn't say anything. like genuinely just stares at her dumbfounded not knowing what to say. SO IF IT WAS REALLY HOPPER THEN WHY ISNT HE SAYING THAT? HE DOESNT EVEN BRING IT UP UNTIL LIKE 2 EPISODES LATER (my timing so off it could be like an episode later tbh) anyways. there's nothing showing for the lies. literally. verbally and physically. he didn't get her anything and he also isn't providing her any answers.

and then she dumps him and he makes this face and "you're as cooolldd as ice" plays and she gets on the bus in her bright clothes and sunny weather and ice cream and hi fives max and she's happy about it!! girl does not gaf!!!! 😎 she's chillin fr.

then mike goes home, eats nacho cheese chips, and complains to lucas while. not doing anything. about it. literally also not caring that much. there's no crying. he "rushes" after he bus after the doors close and they're gone. and he looks confused more than anything but i think that scene was to draw attention to the grey clouds (foreshadowing for byler rain fight.+ grey clouds often symbolism for trouble coming blah blah i wanna be a english major <- fun fact abt me)

this breakup is very very very lighthearted! i giggle watching it! typical middle school behavior honestly 🙄 either way. mike is not torn up about it. el is not torn up about it. (but lucas is about him and max's breakup post season 3)

now let's talk about that first i love you!

sam found the necklace and brings it up after the big fight and everyone's getting literal medical treatment (wodkoajdosncosbxisjdosjdo) anyways. she asks if it's his and he said it was supposed to be a present for her but (she cuts him off) "i broke up with you before you could give it to me" and this sparks the conversation "so you weren't really fine with breaking up?" "well it's not what i wanted but you said you weren't okay. you needed some time and i just seemed like that was more important." she says thank you and it means a lot to her "of course........(extremely long pause but he has a loving glance).... i mean that's what you do when you love someone right?"

"you've never said that before." "well, i do" blah blah "i love you too" HETEROSEXUAL KISSING TW

a mutual kiss here. noticing how both their eyes are closed. 🧐 (this is at the end of the season)

for mike,

there are 5 other people around. he isn't saying it to her. she's not in the room. hes upset and trying to prove hes right and cares about el. (also in the same breath he tells a false statement which to me discredits anything he says (/j) "and i don't want her to die looking for the flayed when obviously they've vanished off the face of the earth" the flayed did not vanish! this is disproven!) i think he loves el and cares abt her just not romantically btw

when el walks in he has a face of regret, not embarrassment or flustered lol he just plays dumb and forcefully says "Nothing. Nothing!" lookijg down and away from her after she asks what's going on and then lucas says "just family stuff" <- lying for his bestie (true ride or die honestly)

and then... the notorious ending scene

he gives her the bear! #MIDLEVEN ENGAME ok im kidding. so here he gave her this bear because she was too short to reach it and she lost her powers (his needless worrying payed off huh) so he reassures her that her powers will come back (they don't. not on their own.) now i think this is different from the octopus because there's no emotional value to them, he didn't buy it, he wasn't giving her a childhood bear, im pretty sure that's will's bear anyways. the bear means nothing. it doesn't symbolize anything for their relationship.

and then they talk, cerebro, thanksgiving christmas, presents, (sorry that made me sound like a 7 yr old) and it's so awkward. they made up in the hospital but that was weird and awkward too. it's really shown they don't talk much due to lack of common interest and el not really caring for mike's interests and it really shows. intyways, el walks away and mike sorta stands there . in front of the open closet (he also sort of . half smiles. relieved? content? but then he shakes it off) and then she turns around and

he actually doesn't understand at first ("your heart") and then when he does he tries to play it off because it doesn't really look like he wants to talk about it... he doesn't seem to like being vulnerable with her! he looks down and away, and asks what he said exactly. and she kisses him, open closet, open eyes,

he doesn't move and it's very stiff and it's not MUTUAL.

and see the season doesn't END there? (duh they're not the main focus) it ends (on mikes part) with

even though miguel and sam are not the main focus (and also the season doesn't end on their kiss also) that's how their arc ends. that's the last scene. the midleven "make up" is overshadowed by byers + el moving away. and probable a realization on mikes part. mikes only gone to his mom for comfort 1 other time and it was because will's body was pulled from the river

OK IM DONE! THIS ACTUALLY JUST TURNED INTO MY SEASON 3 THOUGHTS KINDA! THANK YOU FOR LISTENING

#ok here u go for people who wanted it #stranger things #byler #mike wheeler #el hopper #michael wheeler #byler analysis #byler evidence #byler tumblr

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bravewolfvesperia · 4 months ago

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Yuri nearly snorted at the question about the council. "Of course they don't know. If I told them, they'd just be on alert after denying me. I'd have to wait until another day to get out. Grandma Jiri doesn't know, but she kinda expects me to do it anyway. If they couldn't find me, she'd know where to start looking." If the worst did ever happen, that was basically the line of events they'd have to go through. Check the town first, make sure he's not there, and then panic.

As he waited to carry on with some unconscious impatience, he was swaying slightly - just small movements to avoid standing perfectly still. He had no idea how Flynn managed to stand like that sometimes... "I just want to go look around and talk to people. All those old guys do is tell me how one day I'll be a ruler of these people, and then never tell me what's going on in their lives. What I'm supposed to improve or fix. What I'm supposed do for them to make them have a good life. I never get told what state people are in. How am I supposed to make life better for anyone when I can't even see or hear how well or not well they're living?"

Besides that, it was more fun than hanging out in the castle. Yuri hated sitting still and studying. Hated being confined to a castle lest people tried to attack him or rob him. If people had money in the first place to live well and have enough left over for their own personal happiness, they wouldn't need to rob him, would they? Nobles were also... well, nobles. They weren't really fun to hang around. Too much stiffness in their attitudes. Too much self importance.

If he had never sneaked out, he wouldn't have gotten to meet people from Jiri's family, either. Well, foster family. He probably wouldn't have been able to meet her husband, either. Though she was a commoner, she left enough of an impression on the nobles to get in as a caretaker for Yuri since he was an infant without parents. Her home needed the money, and having a job at the castle would no doubt pay better than anything else she could have gotten.

She was the closest thing to a mother that Yuri had, and wouldn't one know it, she was from the poorest area in Zaphias. Ever since Yuri had first visited her home district, seeing the condition they were living in, he had continuously pressed his council and repeatedly shut down useless events like balls and social gatherings. Older nobleman were frustrated with how controllable their extremely young prince was, with no blood parent to rule until he was old enough. They would often call them temper tantrums, though Yuri himself referred to them as "not wasting money that could be going to something actually useful".

Yuri crossed the distance between them, tugging lightly at Flynn's arm with both his hands. "Come on, come on. We can visit the shops and look at handmade goods, or find special homemade recipes at food stalls. I wanna bring some handcrafted stuff home too. Do you still go there in your free time? They have so much personality in the commoner streets... I'm thinking about visiting Grandma Jiri's home too and finding something to help with... Maybe I can bring them money too... Wait, I could bake the kids something, too. Grandma Jiri's orphanage has kids that love when I visit and bake for them- oh, uh, sorry. Too many thoughts at once."

Flynn should’ve realized that Yuri had been planning something when the young knight spotted the prince walk up to him with a slight determined look on his face and purpose with every step. Having only been under the young teen’s service for a little under a year, Flynn had quickly learned a lot of Yuri’s quirks and mannerisms and he could proudly say that he’s learned enough to know that whatever Yuri was planning for today was likely going to leave Flynn exhausted. As if moving automatically, Flynn places the training weapons neatly to the side and turns to address the prince, standing straight as he does so.

“Good afternoon, Your Highness, how can I…” Flynn could barely get the greeting out from his lips before Yuri states his plans for the evening and Flynn shuts up instantly. He blinks a few times, seeming to take a moment to confirm that he did, indeed, hear Yuri correctly. It wasn’t the first time that Yuri has snuck into town and he knew for a fact that it wasn’t going to be the last time either. Still, he knew how the council felt about it– They all knew how the council felt about it. Yuri would be blatantly going against their wishes once again.

“Um…” Before Flynn could think to urge Yuri from disobeying what the council had ordered, he’s suddenly blindsided by the question of if Flynn wanted to get changed or not. Ah, so a decision was made. Yuri was going into town and Flynn would be escorting him. Or at least, it was Yuri’s own special way of extending the invitation. Flynn, of course, was unable to refuse! If something happened to Yuri while he was out in the city, and Flynn knew he went out, then it would be on Flynn’s head.

Not only that, but Flynn would never forgive himself if Yuri was harmed in any way.

“Your Highness–” Flynn paused, already expecting to be scolded for using Yuri’s title rather than his name. Yuri hated that, he knew this but… referring to Yuri by name was something that… that was just too personal, wasn’t it? Still, maybe he could get away with it if he continued with his original topic. The topic of getting Yuri to slow down for a second. Though he knew that alone was impossible on some days. “...May I request that we slow down for a moment? Does the council know you’re planning on going into the city this afternoon? Does Jiri?”

The answer was most likely a big, fat no. Flynn could tell just by the way Yuri’s arms were folded innocently behind himself. There’s a slight moment where Flynn narrows his eyes suspiciously as he steps to the side. Even while interrogating Yuri, he still moves to remove some of his armor, choosing to keep the casual uniform underneath for the time being. Then, he grabs for his sword and ties the scabbard to his belt. There was no way in hell he was going out with Yuri without some kind of weapon in order to defend the young prince from any type of danger.

“Where exactly are you planning on visiting today?” Flynn turns, tilting his head curiously. “Did you have some business out in the city? Or are you just wanting to explore again?”

He tries to remain serious, genuinely. But Yuri’s curiosity was pretty endearing at times and it had a habit of poking at Flynn’s own sense of curiosity. After all, if Yuri intended on going out onto the town, it would give Flynn the opportunity to see how his own home was doing… if Yuri decided to head in that direction at all.

#mistralxsoul #{ thread: 31 }#{ verse: royalty au }

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kattestrophe · 2 years ago

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Alright, I've finished Season 3 of The Musketeers

It was... I have some questions. I may just be dumb. I may have missed things while getting a drink. I don't know. Maybe someone will be able to help. Anyway, I'll rant my thoughts into the void for a moment.

How exactly did they go on after the end of S2? Their last scene is literally "Yeah, we're going to go find Aramis and get the gang back together after five minutes apart!" and then they... Don't, apparently? They are surprised to see him at the monastery in S3E1, so they obviously did not know he was there. Did they catch up to him before he got there? Did they not find him? Did he actually turn them down when they asked him to come back or did they just not have that talk?! I feel like that should be mentioned? Feels relevant? Was it mentioned!?

Why is Grimaud so mad at Athos specifically? Why is it stated in the behind the scenes clips that Grimaud specifically gives Athos the heeby jeebies more than any other villain so far? Where did he get his money? How did he get his connections? Do I need to read the book to understand why the show named their villain who has never met Athos before after Athos' lackey??

The other villains didn't quite catch me either this season, idk what it was, they just didn't really do it for me.

Why would you basically put Athos in the Milady Memorial Suit, say as much in the behind the scenes, and then pretty much not use her at all in S3? "The Milady Story", "The writers felt like there was something left to tell", then why didn't they do it?!

Why does the Dauphin not talk?! Like?? He's supposed to be 6?? Give him another line or two and pay the child accordingly, it's kinda creepy how he barely makes any sound at all. Also: Why does he just walk along with anyone who grabs his arm, surely even a child would notice that the guy who just punched the lady he was supposed to stay with in the face is not a nice man?!

Well, maybe he gets his brains from his dad who, for some reason, thought spilling everything about his affair with Anne to Louis was a swell idea. "I know how a dying man acts", oh fuck off, for all you know you may have just turned his terrible inescapable marriage even worse for Anne. 17th century Queens have been exiled away from their kids for this type of shit, Aramis!

Speaking of which: What exactly did Louis do to keep Aramis away from Anne and his son after his death? Like? He says that, but?? Nothing happens?? At all?? No consequences?? He called her a spanish harlot in the episode before his death, it doesn't sound like he feels all that generous towards her??

That was another thing, the whole caricature-print-story started and ended so fast I barely caught up. That really only existed to have Athos yell "to hell with the law", right?

Was Sylvie expecting the people to just get how to read themselves from the flyers they were handing out? Like, they were explicitly handing them out, not using them for lessons.

Oh boy, Feron sure changed his mind about the whole treason thing fast. "I'll conspire against the crown!" "You're family, Philippe, I'm gifting you a grave 🥺" "Can't wait to fill that! Will die for you right away!"

Why do Aramis and d'Artagnan keep switching pauldrons in multiple episodes, I am BEGGING you to label your costumes, BBC!

And why do they only get their new uniforms in Episode 3

And why is Marcheaux's jacket glittery

And what's that added leather thing with the cross that Aramis wears like... Twice? Is it their fancy day uniform? Why does he wear it without anything else when he accompanies Louis? Why does he wear it to the bar battle?

the costumes were kind of hit or miss for me this season, some I loved, some were Marcheaux's jacket or Aramis's final outfit. Or the Dauphin's wigs.

it's also very funny to watch everyone in the behind the scenes say "Oh, the Red Guard is so much more elite now, scary Red Guard" when d'Artagnan throws his weapon away to kill Marcheaux and they're still mostly absolute dunces who get beaten to pulp every other episode and have their bare asses handed to them by Constance

Speaking of Constance: Handing the kid off to her sounds fine at first, but like... Wouldn't everyone know her around these parts? And know she doesn't have a child? If there are two women the people of the area would know it's Madame d'Artagnan of the Musketeers and Sylvie of The Group of Refugees We Hate Sometimes, people would notice them dragging an unknown child around.

Speaking of Constance and kids, that was made to seem important for her and d'Artagnan and then never mentioned again. "Oh, we may never have kids..." "Oh, the kids Constance and I will have someday..." talk to each other!?!?

Aramis in the middle of S2: "Fighting is what I am meant to be doing!" Aramis at the end of S2: "Everything is going to shit, if I get out of this I'll radically turn my life around!"- okay, I get that. - Aramis at the beginning of S3: "The turning around part showed me that I am truly meant to be a musketeer!" - nice, he has grown in his understanding of himself, he knows his place in the world - Aramis at the end of S3: "So, about that-!" - oh come ON!

I didn't really dig the ending overall. We got a taste of Anne's and Aramis's combined diplomatic power in episode 8 and I dare say France is doomed.

Like, I'm glad they're together, making out in the middle of the park as if their relationship isn't still scandalous, raising their son, but A. that blue costume looked really weird on Aramis (is it just me? was something off about the cut?) and B. there must have been a better way. Honestly, the other people on the council who have been navigating politics for ages must be banging their heads on the table in agony whenever the current regent drags in yet another rando who's there for different reasons entirely!

Aramis will get bored and start shooting birds in the palace garden in three days time, I'm calling it

Continuing on about the ending, did Porthos and Elodie truly make such a connection in the cumulative week of knowing each other that they have to get married? Maybe if they had brought her back an episode earlier, but pulling her from a hat right before the end of the series felt a bit cheap...

Where are Athos and Sylvie going?? And why?? Don't the two of you have shit to do in Paris, help the poor, keep your community going?? Do they have a specific destination or are they just hoping to arrive somewhere nice enough with a midwife and a connection to food and water before Sylvie is so pregnant she can't ride anymore?!

Also, did Athos brush and tie up his hair for his final scene? That can't be him, it's his evil clone!

Constance and d'Artagnan are still cute and together, yay for that! Would have loved more conversations

Goodbye Scene in the garrison: Why no last "All for one, one for all"? Why must the last one for all be a note in a hat!?!? You're telling me this group of besties just kind of awkwardly walk away from each other!? Let Porthos and Aramis hug again!

I do love Milady's new paying position, good for my favourite murderous fashion icon. If only she had had like... a lot more proper scenes and interactions with the plot.

I heard that the actress couldn't film due to her being on maternity leave, but... come on, couldn't that have been handled better?

I really liked the show overall, but the third season felt a bit lackluster. Welp. I might still make that crack vid :'D

#bbc musketeers #long post #i forgot like half of what i wanted to say

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thewriterowl · 3 years ago

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Hi owl, some headcannon about an AU where Luke is actually a slave on Tatooine?

I'm sorry but your dinluke headcannon are incredible

Hello!! Sure! I am so happy you enjoy these fun head-cannons!

So, we'll give Luke more angst in his life, shall we?

So, everything happens as normal up until Luke is around 10. Tatooine is horribly rough and pretty corrupt. So the Lars are in a very rough patch and can't make payments. So here come the collectors. Well, if the Lars can't pay them back they'll just take the blonde kid as compensation. They refuse, of course. Luke is free. He can't just be snatched up like that...only...Luke doesn't have anything to prove that. He has a slave's last name, he has no papers or chain code, there is nothing to say that he is the Lars' actual child (it's known he isn't but there is nothing to prove he's anything of there's) and it's a disaster. The Lars still fight back and they pay with their lives, Luke witnessing it all.

He is brought into town, traumatized, and auctioned off. Well, at this time Luke is just this small, lanky kid who does not look like he'll be worth much of anything so he is not going for much. Peli, who knew the Lars and this kid, finds she can't just let this happen and buys him for her shop. She's pretty jaded and rough, she yells a lot, and demands hard work...but Luke realizes pretty fast that she is a very good person (and it's likely she's not yelling on purpose, she probably has poor hearing from her work...or she has always just been a very, very loud individual) when he realizes he gets extra food from her plate (she complaining he's too small to be useful) and he has a bed with extra blankets for the cold nights, and she actually teaches him everything about engineering, ships, mechanics, and droids. Luke also has good friends with all of her droids so he's not too lonely and he picks up the work really fast and easy.

Issues start when he is about seventeen. People start to notice him. Yeah, he's still small but he has built up a good bulk of muscle and a lean form from his thirteen hour days of hard, mechanic labor. he is still dealing with what he witnessed and went through when he is a child but he has an honest, happy smile and clear eyes and a very friendly, warm personality. All those who have called him ugly and useless and wormie over the past years are starting to eat their words.

Peli is approached a few times a year over the next three years about purchasing him. The price is always astronomical, possibly 10xs more than what she paid for Luke originally. She always turns them down with a nasty tone of, "I've put nearly ten years into this kid! You want me to just take credits for 'im?! Come back to me when you have 20xs the money and a replacement who has 20-years of experience in doing this shitty work or the answer is no!" It always works.

And it keeps Luke safe.

it is around seventeen a new visitor begins to show up regularly. A bounty-hunter with worn armor but a pristine, silver mask. Luke is infatuated instantly. He has never had to see the man, nor the man see him, as he hides whenever he is around. But he always gets to work on his ship as he is out of the shop because he always says no droids. He learns a lot by keeping his head down and practically remaining invisible when the mysterious man is around. Luke learns he is a bounty-hunter who always gets his target (and, given this is Tatooine, a lot of targets come here), a man from a culture called Mandalorians, he is clearly terrifyingly strong (given how he'll sometimes drag his quarry into his ship on his shoulders or them trying to fight--he never seems to flinch), very built (luke can't help but notice it!), a dreamy voice, and is actually a decent man who pays Peli in full (sometimes extra) and rarely argues back unless he appears in to be a decent (or grouchy? it was hard to tell) mood and Peli was extra ornery. He clearly went on adventures and was well-versed in the galaxy and was intelligent and had wit and...Luke was just head over heels with a massive puppy-crush.

It's when Luke turns twenty that he realizes, oh yikes...is this a crush or am I actually in love with a guy who doesn't know I exist and i have never talked to? It is also the year where Jabba the Hutt becomes interested in Luke as well.

So, it finally happens. Luke is dragged out of Peli's shop by some of the Hutt's men, Peli unable to do anything but screech at them. They just toss over credits that are about 40xs what Luke was bought for, despite Peli saying this isn't going to work and that's her apprentice, etc. They still just take Luke away.

Now, I don't see Jabba has being necessarily sexually attracted to Luke (or maybe anyone for that matter) but he loves beautiful things and he loves the power beautiful things bring him. Having a slave as lovely as Luke at his side is something that would just give him that vibe he enjoys. So Luke is safe in that regards for now. But Luke is clearly wanted by the patrons of the palace and if Jabba has a bounty that he knows is impossible, he'll say they can have Luke if it is accomplished in a certain way (it never is). Luke is basically in the Leia garb (see @gabsketch for her version of Luke's slave outfit) and is stuck by this horrible beasts side, being gawked at and touched, and yanked around all the time.

A few months later the Mandalorian is back for a quarry and a repair for his ship when Peli practically tackles him, saying she'll pay 20,000 credits and repair his ship for free for five years if he can rescue her apprentice who was taken by the Hutt's without an agreement. Well, hello pay-day. Din knows it's not great to cross the Hutt, but if he indeed did not follow an agreement with Peli over this mysterious guy then she is in her right to demand him back. So off he goes to the palace.

He gets there and has a reputation so he is allowed in, ready to look all around for this poor kid with gold hair and sky-blue eyes who was probably cleaning up slop or hidden in the back with stolen droids to fix. He was really not expecting to see the man as a trophy for Jabba. Nor expected him to be this gorgeous. How had Peli hidden him all these years? Din never saw this man once. If he had, well, he for sure would be coming back to Tatooine a bit more often and leaving it with some very adult-level fantasies.

Luke is stunned to see the mysterious man there, really unsure what is going on but finds himself hopeful when he demands Luke to be returned. Jabba is all, "nah fam. I run this place. but tell you what...do this impossible task for me and you can have him. Go kill a Kryate dragon and bring me its pearls."

Din is all, "Yeah sure." And just goes and...does it.

He comes back with four pearls and meat and scales and other items to show it was dead and Jabba is all, "oh shit." He really does not want to let this pretty slave go...but if he followed his deal and Din returns, Jabba could for sure get bounties taken care of with him on his side. So, he hands Luke over saying, "welp, he's yours now, lucky SOB". And Din takes Luke.

Well...now Din doesn't really want to hand Luke back over. How was he supposed to? Still, he is honorable and brings him back to Peli but then makes a claim, "I'll be back for him. I own him now but you can borrow him." surprising them both. Well, he goes off and Luke stays on Tatooine until a man named Kenobi (maybe he was off world or couldn't interfere before Luke was sold but saw Peli was taking care of him and saw it was fine) finds him and yanks him off on an adventure where he saves the galaxy and Din finds a gremlin child and then they meet again. and Din is all, "Hey...you're still mine from all that happened a few years back soooooo...you're teaching my kid as you travel with me." and Luke, with a shrug is all, "Welp. There are worse fates than hanging out with the love of my life, so yeah, let's go for it."

It for sure can be darker, lol knowing me, but it playing with the original trilogy is fun too. So Luke lives happily with Din who still, technically, owns him from his deal with Jabba but they're both very, very in love space dads.

#dinluke #the mandalorian #star wars #tw: slavery #luke skywalker

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crazy4myself · 4 years ago

Text

No Harm List Pt.4

Word Count: 7.2k

Summary: You live in a city where crime runs rampant. One day, you save a young boy's life, not knowing that he is the most powerful crime lord's heir. And you have just been put on the no harm list.

Trigger warnings: DESCRIPTION OF PANIC ATTACK!! I really took my time with writing this, trying my hardest to convey these feelings without being triggering. I also tried to make it as comforting as possible, but if you are feeling a little anxious maybe save this fic for a better day. Mental health first!

Additional warnings: mentions of violence, explicit language, mentions of death,

Genre: Romance, angst, violence, gang/mafia AU,

Rating: 18+ (bc of mentions of violence there’s no sexual content)

<- Pt.3

"Hobi, I don't wanna be mad. I just wanna know the truth,” you pleaded, voice wavering. And that was the truth, you felt like you could care less if he was in a gang. It was Alcorn, you had to be in a gang to survive if you weren't rich.

Upon seeing your eyes water and your lip tremble, Hoseok instantly wished you would scream at him. He didn't want to hurt you. He didn't mean for it to go this far. For you two to get so close after his sister's death, or for him to lie to you for so long. He told himself he kept you out of it for your safety, but really it was just too easy for him to live two lives, for you to look at him like he wasn't a murderer and for him to pretend for a few hours that he wasn't.

He sighed, sitting on the couch, and you plopped down next to him and waited patiently for him to gather his thoughts.

"I guess it's best to start at the very beginning, which was when I was around 16," he started.

"I lived in the same neighborhood as these two guys RM and Suga. They had actually served some time for getting busted with another gang, the Dime Lions, they're long gone now but basically, some shit went down during some kind of gang raid, and RM and Suga ended up taking the fall for it. Instead of the Dime Lions busting them out of jail, they left them there and basically disowned them afterward."

You nodded along to let him know you were following.

"Anyways RM and Suga, they had a rough start when they got out of the gang, both were bastards, street rats on the Westside they never had anyone to look out for them. So they did the only thing they could do at the time to survive, which was breaking it to cars and shit and cleaning them out. I don't just mean personal belongings of these guys took engine parts, piping, tiers they took it all, and sold it to any scrap shops they could find. At the time, I was working at my uncle's scrapyard. I knew RM and Suga when they were in middle school before they joined the Dime Lions. They stayed with the foster family that lived in my neighborhood. I knew they had been kicked out of the house and were basically living with the Lion's, so when I saw they were working alone, I got curious. For a year or so, I convinced my uncle to continue buying from them even when he started getting a little suspicious about the guys stealing. The guys knew I looked out for them, and we were cool for a while. Then my mom got sick," he paused for a moment looking away from you.

You reached out and placed your hand on his leg knowing how hard it was for him to talk about his mom and Dawon.

Collecting himself, Hoseok went on, "So I asked for an in with the guys, I needed money and I knew cars. I could remove the parts more effectively than they could. I also knew some clientele who were always coming by and buying parts because they flip cars for fun, those guys were easy targets. So I guess the three of us were a little gang of misfits for a while, I used the money to help pay for mom's treatment. They used the money to survive.

Then we started taking some younger ones under our wing. RM and Suga got their own place and opened their doors to some kids in a rough spot like they were. But as we got bigger, we started getting sloppy. We had been at it for about a year at this point. The guys started taking on some other jobs, but I stuck to what I did best. I wasn't really interested in broadening my horizons. Like I said, we had been at it for a while, and I got cocky, I guess. We had a few scuffles here and there, but we always got out of them okay. Then one night, we got busted scraping a car at some guy's house, and he shot me in the leg, and the cops got me. RM ended up bailing me out of jail, and Suga, Suga got me a gun."

He shifted in his seat and looked at you nervously, "I wanted out at this point, mom was basically on her deathbed, and I was all Dawon had. I couldn't risk going to jail, ya know. I owed RM money for bail, but my uncle got me a job as an actual mechanic, I thought I could earn money the honest way, pay them back and then Dae and I could just go back to our lives. But then the doctors told us about some experimental treatment that could possibly cure mom. How the hell could I pass that up? I would have done anything to help her get better." his brows furrowed as he tightened his fist into balls.

"So I stayed. At this point, BTS was growing, it was an official gang, tattoo and all. We had recruited Jin, who came from money, he used some of his trust fund to fund BTS and help us grow, and RM was starting to get a little ambitious. He wanted territory, he wanted me to take the tattoo and be his third." Hobi squeezed his eyes shut as he let out a sigh, he felt like he had to force the words out of him to confess his sins to you.

"I told you Suga got me a gun after the arrest, and it ended up I'm a really good shot, so good I didn't even have to kill a guy for a long time. I researched where to shoot to keep someone down for a long while without it being fatal, so that's what I did. I worked a few more jobs for RM, we did a big heist. Actually, that was our big break. A team of six other guys and I broke into this old rich dude's mansion, nearly cleaned out his safe when we split the money most of the guys put a percentage into my pot. I walked out that night with almost enough to pay for mom's treatment in full.

I told RM I wouldn't be his third, and he offered me an out, I just needed to take one more job for him, and he would pay out the rest of mom's bills, so that's what I did. I killed for the first time, and then I was free. I wouldn't have to do any of it again. Well, that's what I intended," he paused, his voice growing softer.

You tried to keep your face neutral as he revealed the horrors to you. Not that it mattered Hoseok couldn't even bring himself to look at you.

"Mom ended up passing that night." he laughed, a bitter sound that felt foreign to the kind man you knew, "I swear whatever cruel god is out there pulling all the strings did it to punish me. To let me know, they saw what I had become and that I didn't deserve to have people I love in my life. I wasn't good enough to feel love in this world,"

"Hobi, that's not-" he cut you off with a bitter laugh as he looked upwards to hold back his tears. The motion made him seem as though he was searching for the fates he mocked. "Don't y/n, I know what I am,"

"Dae was a senior when mom passed, and it absolutely broke her. I had to fight to get her to go to school for those last few months. Hell, it was a fight to get her out of bed for her graduation. Her exit exams were a disaster, and the councilors at the college were understanding, for the most part. They still admitted her to the school, but not a drop of financial aid was offered to her. She deserved so much more," Hobi's voice was laced with bitter disdain, his eyes looking far off.

"So I did everything I could to give it to her. I borrowed from Namjoon, enough to cover her entire admission at Alcorn University."

"Hobi, that's so much," you couldn't hold the comment in. It was near impossible for an ordinary person to buy their way into Alcorn if they didn't get scholarships, the tuition at the prestigious school was over $20,000 a semester for admission alone.

"And I did it, I had Jin make up a fake scholarship for her, send her a cute little letter telling her about the award. She thought that she earned a full ride, and I let her believe it. I even borrowed enough so she would stay in the dorms, I figured it would be safest to keep her out of the house. I didn't know what kind of jobs RM was going to have me do."

"I took the tattoo, and killing became more of a normal thing for me. It started to get easier, I kept my distance and tried my hardest to not even see their eyes.

There was a big turf war that year. I don't know, the city was on the brink of a recession, a lot of big players in the city were changing the rules of the game. Business owners fought to take down other businesses simply so theirs could stay open, the market was a disaster. I never cared about the politics of any of it, I just did what I was told, and because of that, I'm still not totally sure all I did that year. What lives I took. Who all I hurt. I did everything I could to forget those nights and the blood. I told myself I was doing it for a good reason, ya know.

I didn't want to know, I thought I would save that for the day I'm standing outside of hell, and they list off every single one of my evil deeds before they sentence their judgment." Hoseok's vacant eyes started to shine with tears.

"And that was the stupidest fucking thing I could have ever done. I had no clue who had it out for me, I had started feeling invincible. I didn't even consider that someone would want to take their revenge, I had killed Kim Martin Sr.'s son."

Your blood chilled at the name, and he didn't look at you as he continued.

"He was some big business owner or something, I was supposed to kill him, but there was a mix-up, and I got his son, Kim Martin Jr. instead. Whoever made the call decided that killing his son was just as effective because the grief practically destroyed him. A few misguided stock investments, while he was grieving, crashed his empire. He lost everything and had to move to the Westside in the aftermath.

Suga kept good tabs on the guy, but then he fell off the grid. We figured he left town or hell maybe he died. We didn't consider him a threat, he showed no interest in coming after BTS, so I didn't even think to keep an eye out for Dawon."

You felt hot tears roll down your face as you realized what happened. The media painted Martin as the bad guy. They accused him of losing his business after his son died due to extreme drug abuse. The city officials wrote him off as such a pathetic low life, that come the time of his death that his murder was barely investigated. It was simply declared a drug deal gone wrong. But he was a father, a father who lost everything to a hitman and wanted to return the favor.

Hoseok believed he didn't deserve love. Whatever higher power that was calling the shots took everything away from him as punishment.

You think of your best friend now long passed, her beautiful smile and contagious laugh. The way she could always read you and knew exactly what you needed, whether it be your favorite ice cream on your period or a trip to the botanical gardens in the middle of the night when she knew you were missing home a bit more than normal.

There was a loose glass in the greenhouse that hosted the plants native to your home. You would both scale the fence to the gardens late at night and push that glass panel in and carefully crawl into the greenhouse. The air would be filled with the floral scents you grew up with, and you would just walk the rows of plants and run your fingers over the velvet petals and waxy leaves.

Until Dawon would play music, a playlist the two of you made of songs in your native tongue. You would dance around the humid greenhouse singing on the top of your lungs while Dawon would laugh and clap along, excitedly shouting with you when she recognized a word or two.

You thought about the way you and Hoseok both carried a burden of guilt after she passed. Until now, you had felt like you failed her as a best friend and roommate.

For three years, you had tortured yourself with thoughts like if you hadn't procrastinated so much on your assignments that week, you would have been home when she decided to make a late snack run. You told yourself the robber probably wouldn't have stopped her if you were together. You reasoned that two of you would have deterred her as a target.

Or maybe he would have just shot you instead. Dawon would have recovered from the loss so much better, she had Hoseok to comfort her and family and friends to support her. You were merely an exchange student in a city with no morals, loved by no one, but taken in out of guilt by her brother. It would've been a better trade.

You tortured yourself with these thoughts day and night consumed with feelings similar to survivor's guilt.

You never understood Hoseok's guilt, until tonight, you felt like there was nothing he could have done to make that night play out differently. But now you realize he could have anything, and it might have made a difference.

"Y/n, I understand if you hate me," Hoseok said softly, watching the tears that dripped down your cheek as you processed everything he told you.

"I wanted to honor Dawon's wish. I didn't expect you to do so much for me, for you to become my best friend and for you to make me feel normal. I kept this from you because you were the closest thing to her I had left. There was a time where I thought I would distance myself from you when you moved out. That I would just become another hazy detail to the tragedy, and you would move on completely with your life, but y/n you were so sad, and you needed me too.

When you moved out, I was terrified of something happening to you. I couldn't stop myself from checking up on you. I couldn't let us grow apart." Hoseok's voice broke off as you looked at him, the pain and betrayal in your eyes.

"Y/n, you're the closest thing I have to redemption, protecting you, being your friend is the last thread of humanity I have left, I can't lose you," he pleaded.

"You watched me blame myself," you whispered accusingly, your eyes shining with betrayal.

"You watched me tear myself apart, and used comforting me to make you feel better about yourself?"

He flinched at your words, "I tried everything I could to convince you there was nothing you could have done," Hobi argued feebly.

"Everything but tell the truth," you hissed as hot tears rolled down your cheek.

You got up as a sob escaped you, your face red and snot running from your nose. Hoseok stood with you, but you flinched away with a broken no.

"I need time, Hoseok," you begged.

You swallowed thickly as you did everything in your power to keep it together, "I don't want to hate you, but please, I need time to think about everything," you assured. Even knowing what he did, he was right. You needed him too. If you lost him, you truly didn't have anyone in the city who cared if you lived or died tomorrow. And maybe settling for that made you your own kind of monster.

It was funny how he claimed such a tarnished person could be his redemption.

You secure your bag to your shoulder, stepping out into the night air and pulling the door closed behind you. You couldn't even bring yourself to lock the door behind you, afraid that if you stopped moving for one second that you would completely break down and be unable to make it home. You only hoped Hoseok was smart enough to check the door behind you and make sure to lock it.

You counted the stairs as you made your descent and into the parking lot, making an effort to take in your surroundings. You tried to list off the colors of the cars as you passed them, and while some distant part of you did the action, you still felt like the effort wasn't reaching whatever corner of your brain you were hiding in.

You got a lot better with controlling your anxiety attacks as you made it further in college, even going as far as taking advantage of the university's free therapy sessions to get professional guidance in your junior year. You defaulted to your go-to grounding technique as your feet moved of their own accord to carry you home. 5,4,3,2,1 was an exercise that made you aware of your surroundings and tether yourself to this world when your mind felt a dimension away.

The technique walked you through your five senses, making you list off 5 things you could see, 4 things you could feel, 3 things you could hear, two things you could smell, and one thing you could taste. Even in your most anxious moments, you were a slut for making a good list. You always found this exercise more soothing than any breathing technique.

Your eyes searched without really seeing as you tried to find five things you could see around you. Straining yourself to really take in your surroundings, you settled for a yellow fire hydrant, a car parked on the side of the road, a penny on the ground, a drainage inlet tucked into the curb, and finally your own yellow shoes pacing down the concrete sidewalk.

You were going to be okay, you reminded yourself as you took an intentional breath.

Next, four things you can touch, you focused on your breathing as you reached an arm out to graze your fingertips along with the rough brick of the building you walked by.

You shifted a little more with each step, concentrating on how the fabric of your clothes moved across your skin and curling your toes into the padding of your shoes. You didn't count each feeling, your wandering mind struggling to really take in each sensation, but you were sure you touched four things by now.

This was a mistake you often caught yourself making when counting down like this. Sometimes you were in such a rush to reach the end and get to one as if identifying one taste would magically make all your anxieties go away that you forget to take it slow and really center yourself.

Three things you can hear, it was at the time, as you strained to let the world in through the all-consuming pounding of your heart in your ears, that you realized you were whimpering to yourself slightly. The awareness of your own vulnerability made you stumble as your mind spiraled, and you struggled to find something to tether you back to the earth.

You began walking faster before realizing you're not certain you were going the right way. So you came to a halt, realizing you couldn't bring yourself to focus enough to take in your surroundings. You stared at the street sign for a long time, repeating the letters to yourself as you made them form a word finally settling on Gardenia.

Your breathing hitched as you realized you had wandered off the main streets and into a neighborhood in your daze. You were lost, but you couldn't bring yourself to care about it, and the lack of fear flashed an alarm in your mind that let you know you were too far gone to count away your anxieties.

You struggled to breathe as you tried to come up with a decision. You needed to ground yourself to calm down. You needed to list off 5 things you could see, fourth things you could feel, three things you could hear, two things you could smell, and one thing you could taste. You knew the only way to bring yourself back to the world was to become aware of your settings.

But it felt as if the part of your brain that knew all these things didn't even touch whatever part of your mind was controlling you now. You were better off giving directions to the light pole you stood under.

You felt your breathing get harder as you desperately gasped in all the air you could. Your arms and legs began to tingle as your body over oxidized, and your head began to spin.

Slowly you slumped to the ground, wrapping your arms around the light pole you had stopped under as you spiraled.

What were you even doing before this moment? How did you even get here? You forced your eyes open wide, hoping the action would make you actually see and register what you were looking at to no avail.

What were you doing, what were you doing, what were you doing?

You struggled to reign in your thoughts of your laughing best friend and her crying brother. Or was it your crying best friend and his dead sister?

You were supposed to find three things you could hear. Your crying doesn't count. A more logical voice seemed to get through to you.

You strained your ears to hear past your own breathing, you could hear a frog croaking in the grass nearby, you felt the earth beneath you to confirm you had in fact settled in a patch of grass. You smiled to yourself proud of your progress as you continued to listen as you continued to listen. You heard the electricity buzzing in the light pole you had wrapped your arms around, you felt almost childlike as you opened your eyes. Actually, seeing this time as you looked up at the pole, you were around.

You needed one more sound, you strained your ears, expecting to be met with something like a far off car driving by. Instead, you heard your name being called. You blinked as you turned away from the street lamp and towards the repeating sound of a familiar set of syllables coming from a familiar voice.

Jungkook jogged up to as he saw you curled around a lamppost. Even from a distance, he could see the rapid way your chest was rising and falling in that familiar chaotic rhythm he only saw when he found Taehyung or Yoongi having a panic attack. You looked up at him with a tear-stained face and saw the confusion of his presence take you off guard and snap whatever control you had over yourself.

Your face crumpled as a sob broke from your chest, and you turned away from him and curled yourself around the light pole a little tighter.

Jungkook felt such a rush of guilt and panic at the sight of you so broken that he ignored the dull ache in his knees as he instinctively fell down in the grass next to you, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you from the cold metal pole, trying to position comfortably in his chest.

Jungkook shifted as he uncurled his legs from beneath his body and stretched them out next to yours in front of him, trying to touch as much of his body to you in comfort. You didn't resist, but the jolting motions did seem to make you more upset for a short moment. Jungkook realized he forgot to ask for permission to touch you before he acted.

He knew Tae preferred physical comfort to calm down, but sometimes it could act more as a trigger when unwelcomed. He loosened his grip hesitantly, and you wrapped your arms around his middle, hugging him closer to you in response.

Physical contact is. He thought to himself as he began stroking one hand up and down your back and rocking you both side to side slightly as if he was trying to calm a baby from a tantrum.

Which he basically was doing, you thought bitterly to yourself as you accepted the comfort.

You were too far gone to calm yourself down. You had ridden the river of upsetting thoughts that triggered your attack all the way down, and now you risked floating out to sea and losing yourself forever. Not actually forever, just until you would cry yourself unconscious and wake up to start anew. But you supposed accepting comfort was better than sleeping outside in a neighborhood you didn't know.

Jungkook whispered to you, not the sweet nothings people typically say when they see people break down like 'it's going to be okay,' or most annoyingly 'breath.' No Jungkook simply told you, 'you're safe,' 'take your time,' 'you're stronger than you give yourself credit for' and in your case most importantly, 'exhale.'

When people see you having a panic attack and hear the loud gasp you make as you fight to breathe, they instinctively tell you to breathe as a way to calm down. But it's your failure to let the air out that keeps your body over oxidized, making it harder for you to feel in control of yourself.

Slowly, you regained control of your body, and your desperate gasps for air morphed into shallow panting. Your shallow breathing morphed into soft whimpers and sniffled. Jungkook held you as your continuous knit itself together, and you faced the pain your mind was so desperate to escape.

He rubbed you back as you let out soft sobs as you reopened wounds that had healed into jagged scars. You cried for Dawon and her undeserved death. For Hoseok and the guilt you knew, he carried every day. You cried for Kim Martin, who died at the hands of the killer that stole his son. You cried for yourself, over the fear of the future as you saw it grow intimately tangled with a notorious gang.

You don't know how long Jungkook waited as you reeled yourself back together. He waited long after you finished crying, knowing just because you had control of yourself physically didn't mean you were mentally ready to face the world, so he wrapped you in his warmth and hummed to himself as he rocked you both slowly.

You loosened and tightened your grip on his shirt and curled and uncurled your toes as you tried to become more aware of your body. You were basically sprawled out on the grass with your upper body twisted and pulled into Jungkook's middle. It wasn't the most comfortable position, but you weren't willing to risk losing his warmth to move.

You licked your lips, and the jarring taste of your salty tears pulled you from your self pitying thoughts, deciding to work your way up the list you once again started to count.

One thing you taste, salt.

Two things you smell: you inhaled deeply and took in the smell of laundry detergent that clung to Jungkkook's shirt. "Detergent," you mumbled into his shirt, and the sound of a coherent word leaving you made Jungkook's humming stop as he looked down at you, nuzzling your face deeper into his chest. He held in his chuckle as you stiffed the air again, and confidently said, "and grass."

You finally pulled yourself away from him only slightly to turn your face away from him, your cheek still pressed against his chest.

"I can hear frogs, cars nearby, and.. your heart," you listed as you looked up at him from under you thick lashes still clumped with tears, "it's louder than mine," you observed as you listened to the hammering in his chest.

He was from a different kind of nerves.

He recognized the countdown and realized you were working to ground yourself, "What can you feel?" he prompted eager to get you to move on from his pounding heart.

"Your t-shirt, it's soft, the grass poking at me through my jeans, my bra digging into me" you wrinkled your nose as you became aware of the discomfort.

"And?" Jungkook prompted. A smile curled your lips as you looked up at him mischievously, "You're abs," you giggled as you sat up, finally pulling away from him. Jungkook felt the heat crawl up his neck as he turned away, rubbing the back of his neck bashfully.

"And what do you see?" he asked gently, looking everywhere but you.

You smiled at his bashfulness as you look around, "I see the street sign, the green grass," you pause as you squint, "I think that's either a rock or some dog poop over there," Jungkook let out a startled laugh. You smiled to yourself proudly as you continued.

"Our shadows from the street light, and,” you pause realizing how close the two of you are, "the little mole underneath your lip."

"Good," he whispered, and you watched in fascination how his lips formed the words, "Are you ready to get up now, or do you need a few minutes?" he asked. It was the way his mouth twisted into a smile at the end of the sentence that made you realize you were still staring at his lips. You blinked before looking up at his eyes, which was alight with a teasing glint.

"I can stand," you answered, flustered as you pulled your body away from him. Maneuvering your feet beneath you to get up. Jungkook offered you a hand once he was up helping pull you to your feet, before bending down and grabbing your purse for you. Your feet still tingled in that pins and needles feeling. You wiggled your hands to wake up your fingers as well, but other than that, you felt like you recovered from the physical toll of the panic attack quite well.

"C'mon my place is at the end of this road, let me grab a car and drive you home," he offered.

You walked with him obediently, your hands brushing past each other twice before Jungkook's hand finally snatched yours mid-swing; you looked down and watched as your fingers intertwined with his effortlessly. You looked to him to see a change in his expression, but he looked straight ahead as he walked, acting as if nothing happened.

You smiled at yourself, thankful for the affection. You always did get a little clingy after panic attacks, relying heavily on skinship and the feeling of someone taking care of you as a way to feel calm. You were surprised how easy it was for you to let Jungkook fall into that roll despite barely knowing him. But you suppose in the handful of interactions the two of you shared, he's always prioritized your comfort and safety.

"This is your house?" you asked as you took in the massive white art deco house behind the gate you stopped in front of. The gate buzzed and rolled open for the two of you of its own accord and rolled open for the two of you.

Jungkook smiled sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his neck, "Yeah, kinda," he said with a shrug.

You raised a brow, "kinda?"

"It's complicated, c'mon let's get you home," he said with a tug reminding you that the two of you were still holding hands. You flushed but followed obediently as you made your way to the garage.

You squinted as your eyes were met with a flood of fluorescent light upon opening the door. A row of vehicles lined its way down the length of the garage, varying from sports car, to jeep, to a large black truck at the end of the row. A line of 4 motorcycles along the furthest wall.

"J-Hope sells Namjoon a car any chance he gets," Jungkook chuckled as he took in your awed expression.

"J-Hope?" you questions, and Jungkook's smile faltered.

"That's what we call Hoseok," he clarified.

You nodded in understanding, "Like how Taehyung goes by V?" you asked, and he nodded.

"Hoseok, does he sell drugs like V does?" you asked curious of what all Hoseok's gang involvement entailed.

Jungkook opened his mouth to answer but was cut off as the adjacent door slammed up from what looked to be inside the house, revealing a man in a black t-shirt with a mop of platinum blond hair.

"There you are," he practically growled as he stormed in the room.

The man was dwarfed by Jungkook a good bit, but somehow Jungkook seemed to cower and appear smaller as the man approached, dropping your hand as if he were caught doing something he shouldn't.

You looked at him curiously and wondered if he was.

"Yoongi hyung," he greeted as he tried to force a smile, "I was just about to-"

"Save it," he snapped, "I have half the army out looking for you, ya know," he turned his fury to you much to your surprise as he added "both of you."

Your mouth fell open, shocked by the confusion apparent on your face as he continued, "Do I need to babysit both of you, because believe it or not, she's taking up a lot of my time. I really can't handle you getting flakey on me Jungkook, we need to know that you're safe,"

Jungkook looked down as he lectured, murmuring a small apology.

"And you" Yoongi turned to you, "That goes for you too, the Black Tips are still on your tail, I can't do much for you if you go running off,"

"Hyung," Jungkook hissed. "Not now, please."

Yoongi blinked at his younger in surprise, turning to you and making a point to really look at you, and take you in. Your red-rimmed eyes and splotchy face, the way you seemed to lean into Jungkook. He recognized that far off look in your eyes like you had to concentrate on being present in the moment, and Yoongi remembered the warning in Hoseok's earlier message when he told him you had run out.

"Yeah, okay, get her home and come straight back when you're done, we still need to talk," he said dismissively. None of your questions were answered, but you didn't resist as Jungkook put a hand on your back and guided you towards a nearby car.

"Good night, princess," Yoongi called over his shoulder before closing the door behind him. Unlike with Jimin, you felt like you were being mocked when Yoongi called you that.

"Who was that, your brother, and why did he say he needs to babysit me?" you questioned as you both settled into the fine black vehicle the windows were so deeply tinted on the outside you wondered if it was safe to drive at night, but upon getting in the car, you noted that you could see through the windows clearly.

Jungkook waited until after he put the key in the ignition and backed out into the driveway before he started talking."That's Yoongi hyung or Suga, he's head of surveillance for BTS. He was the one who sent out a message to go escort you home when J– Hobi Hyung told him you were upset and left his apartment so late. I was on my way in that direction when I ran across you on our street," he said, breaking at a stop sign and turning on the blinker.

You looked out the window as you took in everything he's told you, noting that you were stopped again by the light pole you had a panic attack under. Suga was one of the original members in Hoseok's story. You thought to yourself as you connected the dots. Your head still felt a little foggy as you recovered from the literal mental breakdown. The sudden change of lighting earlier had started to make your head throb. You were ready for bed.

"Hobi sent people to look for me?" was all you could manage, not entirely understanding the emotions stirring in your chest.

"Well yeah, I mean, I was supposed to escort you home after work, and you kind changed plans, so we had to roll with them. I figured Hoseok would have taken you home after everything, so I didn't wait around. And then when Suga did send out the message I didn't notify them that I found you it was dumb on my part," he clarified.

You leaned onto the console between the two of you, propping your cheek upon your hand in a way that squished your lips into a slight pout. Jungkook tried not to stiffen as you got more in his space. Peeking down at you through his peripherals he saw your brow furrow as you processed everything.

"Why do you care?" you finally settled on asking as you still struggled to pinpoint why so many people would be worried about your safety.

Hoseok, you understood, to a certain extent, you even understood why he called in the favor. He knew your patterns and signs, you were probably shouting you were about to have an attack with your body language as you walked out the door. He knew he could never comfort you, not when he was the trigger. What you didn't understand was why BTS would listen.

"Because you're still not safe, and BTS took responsibility for your safety when I did," Jungkook said, simply turning to look at you as he stopped at a red light.

If you were in the right state of mind, such a comment would have triggered an immediate fight. You had been on your own for far too many years to suddenly need a whole gaggle of men to tend to you as if you were some helpless girl. You were a grown-ass woman. But you weren't yourself as you searched for a response in the fog of your mind.

"You're not responsible for anything about me?" you said softly as you shifted to rest your hand on your chin.

"Y/n what all did Hoseok hyung tell you?" Jungkook asked, confused, you weren't rejecting his protection, you just seemed oblivious. He assumed the cat was out of the back as soon as you learned what BTS was, who they were concerning you.

"Just how he joined BTS as how he ya know," you stuck your pointer finger and thumb in the air making soft 'pew pew' sounds. You couldn't bring yourself to talk seriously about the subject. Too much of this night had been severe for your liking.

"Y/n, you saved my life last week," Jungkook said, trying to look in your eyes and convey all his gratitude. You shifted under his stare.

"I wouldn't call it that," you murmured, turning away, "The lights green," you added flatly trying to turn his attention from you. He ignored you and placed a warm hand over yours.

"I would, and because of that, I and all of BTS owe you a life debt. We want to protect you as best as we can, especially since you're not totally safe from the guys you saved me from," he emphasized.

You looked up at him owlishly as you thought over everything he said. But whatever you were going to say died on your lips as a car honked its horn behind you. You both jumped startled, and the intensity of the moment evaporated slightly.

After a few moments of silence, you decided he didn't require a response. You can't imagine you would give a correct one anyways. You looked down at your hand, his larger one still resting atop your own and turned your wrist quickly and intertwining your fingers.

You rode in silence the rest of the way home, and you were fighting your eyelids as you pulled up to your complex.

Jungkook wondered if you always fell asleep in the car even with dangerous men. He wondered if that's why he never sees you take the bus at night.

"You really should consider living somewhere safer," Jungkook muttered under his breath as he shut off the engine.

You bit your tongue holding in several comments and gave a noncommittal 'mmm' as you unbuckled and stepped out the car to see he planned to walk you to your door again.

You grew embarrassed as you climbed the stairs and scrambled to think of parting words dwelling on everything Jungkook had done for you that night, "Thank you," you finally forced yourself to say. Jungkook looked down at you as you came to a halt in front of your door. "For earlier, with the crying and the counting," you offered awkwardly your eyes looking everywhere but his as you breached the sensitive topic.

"Oh, it wasn't a problem, really. I'm glad I could help" he laughed nervously, and you smiled, reaching for his hand before he could bring it to the back of his head, a nervous habit you were quickly picking up on him having.

"I'm serious Jungkook, a lot of people freak out and make the situation much worse for me, and I get it seeing someone crying like that it's never an easy thing to react to, but you did—" you hesitated as you searched for the right words, "You were good, comforting."

You didn't give yourself time to question it as you stood on your tiptoes, deciding to convey your gratitude in a way that your stuttering mouth wouldn't botch, and grazed a small peck aiming for his cheek. Unfortunately, the height difference and your own lack of balance had you landing more on his jawline. Jungkook gasped only slightly at the feeling of your soft lips on his jaw, the heat of your body radiating off of you in your nearness. You smiled at him again as you turned towards the door to unlock it.

"Haha yeah, happy to hear that," he responded, his voice crawling in pitch as he ordered his heart to beat, and you gave him another warm smile as you pushed open your door.

"Good night, Jungkook."

"Good night, Ella."

Jungkook's face split into a grin as you closed the door, a hand reaching for his jaw and pressing against where you kissed him as if it would simulate the feeling. His steps seemed to bounce as he made his way down the concrete stairs and back to his car.

A/N: Thanks so much for reading please tell me what you think! Your comments make me eager to write more :)

Pt.5 ->

#bts fic #jungkook x reader #bts mafia au #btsghostie #bangtanhq #btsbookclub #btsguild #bangtanscenery #bts gang au #gangster jungkook #gangster yoongi #gangaster taehyung #gangster hoseok #jungkook au #bestfriend hoseok #no harm list #crazy4myself fic #drug dealer teahyung #jungkook fluff

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leeknowsredeyeliner · 4 years ago

Text

break up - choi hyunsuk

hyunsuk x fem reader x yoshi (?)

summary: you finally confront your boyfriend and get everything off your chest. how does it result into a break up?

genre: college au, break up au

word count: 3.8k+

warning: minor cussing, mention of anxiety, minor anxiety attack (passing out), mention of anxiety pills/meds, break up

note: the first sad fanfic i’ve ever written so i hope you enjoy :)

You're trembling at the sight of the audience from backstage, basically the entire university is present. Having anxiety and dreaming of becoming a performer is obviously not the best combination, you always need to have your pills ready in case of an emergency. You're completely used to performing in front of your classmates and a large crowd but they opened the theater until every seat was filled, you can barely see the people in the back.

The only thing that keeps you going is your best friend, he's always front seat at your recitals and other performances. Even when Yoshi's not physically there to cheer you on, you know he's watching from a FaceTime call with your moms. You've been best friends since freshman orientation, you've even thought you would end up together but there was someone else that caught your eye -- your current boyfriend, Hyunsuk.

Most people suspect that Yoshi's your boyfriend because he's always seen around you, but you don't blame them, it logically makes sense. Even you sometimes feel like Yoshi treats you as more than just a best friend. Hyunsuk tends to be busy on weekends which is totally understandable, you just wish he'd make the time and effort to see you perform just once. He's never been to any of your performances or recitals, you wouldn't be surprised if he was unaware of them. Your moms are concerned for your relationship but you repeatedly remind them it's no big deal to you and he's just a busy guy.

"30 seconds," one of the backstage staff whispers passing by you. You mentally prepare yourself for your last performance of the year. 'I can do this.' Is all you repeat in your mind. The only way you can survive is by searching for your silver haired best friend in the audience and he'll give you all the encouragement you need.

"You’re up," the same person from earlier whispers from beside you. You take a deep breath in and out to slightly calm down the rollercoaster of nervousness mixed with puke in your stomach. You make your way on the stage and before the song starts, you don't hesitate to distinctively skim the first row. Your eyes stop near the middle as you see Yoshi with a big smile on his face. He gives you his iconic thumbs up of motivation and the song starts.

You sing your heart out to the audience but caught yourself looking at Yoshi a bit too often. Then again, he's the only one out there that came for you. Not even your moms could make it because of how close the performance is to the holidays.

[7:09pm]

You gather your belongings from the dressing room and speed walk out of the hall. Opening the door to the main hallway, Yoshi is leaning against the wall holding a box of chocolates. You run up to him as his arms open wide, ready for you to tackle him. Your bodies clash together, pulling him into a tight hug. His head nestles into your neck as he mumbles, "You killed it as always, (Y/n)."

"Only because of you. You know I can't do anything without you around," you giggle. You both pull away from the hug then he takes your bag away from you, slinging it over his shoulder.

"What? Am I like your lucky charm?" He jokes and you both laugh but in the back of your mind you take it seriously, he technically is. Whenever he's watching over the phone, you make the slightest mistakes and just pray the audience doesn't notice. His live presence is much more comforting to you. "These are for you. I know you hate flowers because you consider them a waste of space in your apartment." He hands you the box of chocolates -- your favorite box of chocolates.

"Thank you. I'll finish these tonight. Do you wanna go for some cheesecake?" Yoshi and you celebrate after every performance with food or if he's feeling generous, he takes you out to go shopping.

"Ooh, I can't. I'm going out with Asahi and Jihoon. I'll make it up to you tomorrow though."

"There's no need to make up for it, the chocolate's enough." The two of you don't always need to celebrate with food afterwards. Maybe going back to the apartment and spending the rest of the night with Hyunsuk will be better anyway.

"You don't need a ride home?" He asks as you make your way outside of the building.

"It's across the street, I can walk." Perks of living close to the university means saving cash for food.

"Alright, you be safe. And don't forget to take your anxiety meds once he get home," he orders, throwing your bag at you. You say your goodbyes then part ways.

[7:32pm]

You unlock the door to your apartment and while taking your shoes off, you see Hyunsuk's daily pair. It seems like he casually threw them onto the floor with no care in the world. You neatly place them in an available cubby and put your shoes away in their rightful spot.

You walk into your room to see Hyunsuk passed out across the bed. You clean out your bag, putting your belongings away where they belong. While getting dressed into your house clothes, you hear movement from outside the bathroom. Walking out of the bathroom, you throw your hair up into a ponytail.

"When did you get here?" Hyunsuk asks as you join him in the kitchen.

"Around 10 minutes ago? How long have you been home for?"

"I came here straight after school. Where were you?" He casually responds, grabbing a popsicle from the freezer. "Out with Yoshi again?" He asks with a hint of annoyance in his voice, but maybe you're just annoyed with the words that came out his mouth. It's obvious he doesn't listen to a word you say. He really had no idea about your performance? Also, what's the reason for bringing up Yoshi in that way?

"I had my monthly performance," you bluntly say. If he really had no clue, there's no way you'd be able to tolerate his ignorance. The list of things he does that piss you off keeps growing longer and longer.

"Since when do you have monthly performances?" Your eyes follow his body moving from the kitchen to the couch. The TV flickers on and you notice his interest beginning to fade away like in any conversation you've had in the past.

"Can you please turn the TV off when we're talking?" You order him like you're his mother. Does he have even the slightest drop of respect? He treats you like his sidepiece, like you're there to entertainment him whenever he feels like it.

"Don't worry, I'm still listening," he responds with his eyes glued to the TV. His eyes haven't met yours since you've arrived.

Hyunsuk is your first boyfriend. You were never the type to date before college because the only thing occupying your mind was school. Although you started off clueless in relationships, after being with Hyunsuk for a year, you eventually learned the attributes to a toxic relationship and how certain behaviors are formed.

In the beginning, it was never like this, Hyunsuk did anything and everything just to gain your attention for more than 20 seconds, trying to win you over every day. You loved playing hard to get with him, testing his limits. One day, you gave in to him and his constant courting. The two of you became the happy couple everyone aspires to be.

"But I don't want coffee today!" You whine and jump a bit in place to show how desperate you are. "Ice cream please."

"Fine, only because I love you." The word 'no' doesn't exist in his vocabulary, at least when it comes to you. He feels bad when he sees how disappointed you get when things don't go the way you want. You and Yoshi walk through the campus on your way to the ice cream parlor nearby.

Acting like a child is a natural instinct to you. You're the youngest in the family so you were babied the most and those behaviors never faded away. You enjoy your foot to stay in the squares, never touching the lines as you walk along the sidewalks. Yoshi found your actions interesting and would sometimes copy you when he felt like it, other times he'd watch you from behind as your pace quickens.

"Do it with me," you say. It was supposed to come out as an order but the baby side of you stopped yourself. You take Yoshi's hand in yours to line him up to your speed. As you hop over each line, Yoshi walks beside you looking like a loser. "You're so lame. You owe me two ice-"

"Hey, (Y/n)!" Hyunsuk chirps from beside you, cutting you off. Hyunsuk's been convincing you to let him take you on a date for too long. Every day it's the same thing, 'How does this weekend sound?' 'Just one date.' It's not that you didn't want to go out with him, you'd actually enjoy it very much. You just want to test his patience, see how long he can last, and to what extent he'll go to.

You let go of Yoshi's hand and bring your hands to the straps of your backpack. "Uh, hi?" You act totally uninterested. You like to see him stutter and think of ways for you to say more than four words at a time.

"Did you tell Yoshi you want two ice creams? I can buy you two ice cream cones, if that's what you want." If someone is willing to buy you more than one of any kind of food, you're not passing up on that opportunity. Hyunsuk willing to pay for the food just to win you over is quite worrisome though, it's a sign of easy manipulation.

"I guess," you keep your response short.

"It's okay, dude. I can buy for (Y/n)." Yoshi says from the other side of you. He may have not gotten the message that this was a test for Hyunsuk.

"I just got paid, paying for her ice cream won't hurt," Hyunsuk throws a sassy smile at Yoshi. Hyunsuk runs in front of you to get to the ice cream parlor before you and Yoshi.

"You really got him using his money for you, huh?"

"Yup! You know, he seems to like me a lot," you state the obvious.

"Really? Hm, I don't know. To me, it seems like he doesn't even want to be around you," he sarcastically says.

"I kind of like him now," you blurt out.

"A Hyunsuk confession to me? That's a shocker." He's known about who you felt about Hyunsuk for a few days now. He was neither happy nor upset about the news, he must've seen it coming. "What? Are you finally going to answer him today?" He laughs with no idea that you've already created a plan before today.

"Um, yeah." Yoshi stops in his track but you continue to walk, not caring if he gets left behind or not. "Can you walk? I have ice cream waiting for me."

"You're going to tell him? Today?" He sounds absolutely shocked. It's hard to tell whether it's because he's afraid you'd abandon him or maybe he'll feel bad if things don't work the way you'd want.

"Is that not what I just said?" You walk back over to him and wrap your arms together. "Now, let's go."

The two of you walk over to the ice cream parlor and Hyunsuk's already waiting at a table with your two ice cream cones in hand. Yoshi orders his ice cream while you sit with Hyunsuk. "Thanks," you say as he hands you both cones.

"Yeah, no problem. I remember you always had strawberry ice cream at uni so that's what I got you," he flashes a cute smile.

"Do you not have some for yourself?" You ask and he shakes his head. A frown forms on your face, it's unfair that he's bought you dessert but left himself empty-handed. You extend your arm out and force him to take your extra ice cream cone.

"Are you free this Saturday night?" You blurt our before taking a lick of your ice cream.

Hyunsuk's taken by surprise, you're never the one to initiate any conversation that demonstrates interest but you had a sudden burst of boldness. His eyes widen and he begins to stutter, "Oh. I- Well- It's a weekend- Uh-"

You cut him off, his stuttering's cute but you want a straight up answer, "If you're not free, just tell me. We can figure out another day."

"Thursday night?"

"It's a date."

The date is what initiated your relationship, it was a new beginning as a couple and for you as an individual. By the end of the date, Hyunsuk's impatient self had asked you to be his girlfriend and you proudly said yes.

You can't put your finger exactly on when your relationship went downhill, all you know is leading up to your one year anniversary, things changed.

Hyunsuk started off sweet, caring, a whore for your attention but turned into an unsupportive and distant boyfriend. He never takes you out on random dates, walks with you to school in the morning, and most importantly, you don't sleep in the same bed anymore and if you were, there'd be a line of pillows separating you. You're the only person putting in the effort nowadays and it's tiring.

You snatch the remote from beside him and turn off the TV. "What the hell? Give me back the remote!" He slightly raises his voice but it doesn't bother you. He's done it way too many times for it to have any sort of effect you.

"Oh? You want the remote back? Here, take it." You rip the batteries out from the back and slip them into your back pocket. Mercilessly, the remote is thrown onto the couch next to him.

"What the fuck was that for?" He yells yet again. His eyes meet yours for the first time, his eyebrows furrowed and face burning red.

"I can't take this anymore! I've been taking your shit for way too long. What happened to you the past few months, huh? You are a whole 'nother person. You're not the Hyunsuk I met in literature class my freshman year," I scoff. "The old you would do anything to see me, spend time with me. Please, just tel-"

"What do you expect? People change, (Y/n)! Do you want me to stay the same for the rest of my life?" He has a point, people change but never to the extent where they begin to lose interest in their girlfriend's life.

"I expect you to act like my boyfriend! You're never there for me. I'm always at your dance recitals and soccer games but never have you been to one of mine." Your vision becomes blurry because of your teary eyes. "I- I'm so fucking tired. Tired of- of having to look in the crowd and not see my boyfriend's face. Do you know how helpless I feel up on stage? You're supposed to be my number one supporter."

"You have never mentioned your performances before. How was I supposed to know?" This is his excuse? That's the fattest lie ever made on the planet.

"What do you mean?" You raise your voice. Your voice is very unstable and so is your mind, you could break at any second. "I've been bringing it up even before we started dating. I'd tell you every month, 'I have a performance next week. Do you want me to buy you a ticket?' You always have an excuse, it always has to do with work or going out with your friends. Do you just not have time for your girlfriend?"

"No! I don't! I have a social life and I need to pay the bills. All you do is go out with that stupid Yoshi boy!" He had absolutely no business bringing him into this. Is he using Yoshi as an excuse to ignore his own girlfriend?

"Pay the bills?" You quietly say to yourself before repeating it as loud as possible, "Pay the fucking bills? Your money goes straight to drinking with your friends. I am the only one paying the bills here. Me!" His head lowers down from embarrassment because he knows he's wrong. Yes, he makes money, but where does it all go? To food and drinks with his friends the night after earning it. It's a complete waste of money and a complete waste of your time. Because of how much money he spends, you end up working night and morning shifts to earn the money that he's responsible for paying off.

"And what the hell does Yoshi have to do with this? The only reason why the two of us are together so much is because he actually makes the effort to support me. He's my best friend and you're supposed to be my boyfriend. Instead of being a jealous brat, bringing up his name in an argument that has nothing to do with him, why don't you try to act your part?" You say all in one breath.

Just then, you break down into tears. You were holding it all in for too long that the pain and frustration hit you all at once, bringing you down into a ball of tears. Your breathing was obviously uneven as you were crying but it soon became hard to breathe. Hyunsuk stayed quiet the whole time, not knowing what to say or do. Was he supposed to comfort you or let you cry on the floor by yourself? After listening to your constant hiccuping and sobs continuing for god knows how long, he kneels in front of you.

Your cries were longer than usual and from the sound of his voice, he was concerned. "(Y/n)? Di- Did you take your pills when you got home?" You shake your head in response. This is why Yoshi is always there to remind you to take your pills, he knows you tend to forget at night.

"Okay." Hyunsuk disregards everything that's been said the past few minutes to focus on you and your health, "We're going to stand up and get you to the bed." He holds you up from your armpits, lifting you up from the floor. Once all of your weight is on your feet, nothing.

You see absolutely nothing. Pitch black.

[9:12pm]

You open your eyes to face the ceiling and stretch your arms and legs. "You're awake," a voice from beside you says.

"Yo- Yoshi. What are you doing here? What time is it? Where's Hyunsuk?" The questions flood out as you have a hard time remembering what happened to you.

"A lot of questions, huh? It's a bit past 9. Hyunsuk called me and told me about the fight you had and how you passed out. He didn't know how to handle you so he asked me to come over and help. He also didn't know how you'd feel if he was the first person you saw," he lets out a soft giggle at the end.

You forgot about your fight with Hyunsuk. Everything's coming back to you: The annoyance, the slight confusion of his words. You know if he were to walk through the door right now, you wouldn't hesitate to pounce him.

"You forgot to take your medicine when you got home, didn't you?" He breaks your train of thought. He knows you so well.

"Ho- How did you know?"

"Who's the one to call you at 7:40 every night to remind you?" He asks pulling out your phone to show you a missed call from him at exactly 7:40pm. Sometimes, you learn new things about yourself, like how high maintenance you are to the point where you need another person to remind you of what to do every single day.

"I didn't have to take my meds. I just shouldn't have went off on Hyunsuk, then this would've never happened."

Yoshi sighs and gently pats your head, "We both know it was bound to happen. There just needed to be something to trigger it." Again, he knows you so well, a bit too well.

"Can you bring him here? I want to finish my conversation from earlier." Maybe you won't pounce him, you have absolutely no energy for that. But you do need this weight to be lifted off of your shoulders.

"Only if you promise to not attack him or yell at him," he holds out his pinky. You connect your pinkies and do your quick handshake.

"Promise."

Yoshi leaves the room and shortly after, Hyunsuk walks through the door sending you a soft smile. You pat the spot next to you on the bed and he respectfully and quietly sits, waiting for you to say something.

"I think it's time," you softly say. You avoid eye contact with Hyunsuk because you knew if you were to look into his eyes, all it'd reflect is pain. Even though he wasn't the perfect boyfriend, maybe didn't even act like your boyfriend at all, he loves you and no matter how he acts, you both knew that. You never stopped loving him despite how many times he angered and tested you.

"Can we please try again? I swear I'll be the perfect boyfriend to you, (Y/n). I- I was thinking while you were asleep, looking back at the past few months. You put up with so much shit that you shouldn't have had to go through and I'm truly sorry. I want to make it up to you by making things right," he says with hope in his voice. "Please, (Y/n)." You look up at him, he genuinely is sorry. The regret and pain in his teary eyes are strong, no one could see past it.

You take a deep breath to quickly recollect your thoughts, "I'm sorry, Hyunsuk. I'm not happy in this relationship anymore. This could be the time to better ourselves." You keep it short, not wanting to hurt his feelings even more.

"I- I don't get a second chance?" A tear rolls down his face.

"I've given you more than just a second chance these past few months. Maybe in the future we'll have a chance to try again together." You still love Hyunsuk. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship, there's bound to be mistakes and obstacles in the way to drive you apart. If the two of you are truly meant to be then you'll meet again.

"Maybe," he softly says. "Or maybe it's Yoshi that should be given a chance."

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