#tell me why i went today and it was $3.79

[duffmckagans]

Happy Friday, Kelsey!! How are you? I hope today is great!!

hi, ashley! happy friday!!

sorry this is late again, work is getting my NERVES. i was super busy today, but i did go and sit somewhere else in the office (hid in a conference room) so i would be able to get stuff done uninterrupted. other than that, it was a pretty standard day!! i drove up to my grandma's house after work, and it's just soooo pretty because it snowed today and she's like, in the middle of nowhere but right near a lake, so it was just like yayyyyy january and bleak desolation. i also went grocery shopping which is just scary by myself...i always think people are looking at me like what is this 12 year old doing here. but! they did have the limited time shirley temple 7-up that i've been wanting to try for agesssss on sale so i got some of that, and it's SO good. lowkey better than one you could get in a restaurant bc you can actually taste the grenadine with every sip.

tonight, i'm just gonna relax and write!! no big plans for me!! i have a last weekend to study ahead, so i'll be pretty locked in with that. tonight is just a night to chill <3

how are you? i hope today has been great!!!!

[mvcr]

People are so fucking weird on the internet. The way most people handle their social media presence baffles me. Either they somehow resist the urge to share any of their ruminations or photos whatsoever, or they can't resist the urge to share every single thing they're doing all the time, including things you really shouldn't share because it's off-putting or severely boring. Today my friend told me a girl he follows keeps posting these annoying Instagram stories. I'm the last person to criticize someone's Instagram because I'm downright obnoxious on mine, but he said she filmed a video of herself talking to the camera while in line in a McDonald's drive-thru. Something along the lines of her having "slept through dinner", and so now she's going to have McDonald's for dinner for the second night in a row, and Jee, the line is so long, and pouting about putting herself through that again. Oh... my God. I am officially in despair and I cannot go on. First of all, what the fuck does "sleeping through dinner" mean? I have so many questions about that statement. Did your mom cook dinner, but you were asleep at a very random hour and by the time you woke up, the casserole had coagulated in the dish and been reduced to an offering for the hungry ghosts? You slept through dinner? Bitch, are you on a train? Are you in jail? Are you in the fuckin' army? What the fuck does that mean? Why can't you fix yourself a proper dinner yourself at any hour of your choosing? Clearly, that is just bullshit. You slept through the appropriate hour for dinner, and instead of making a late dinner, you're going to eat McDonald's for the second night in a row. Not only that, but you're going to admit it to the world at large and offer it up for public conjecture. And film it while it's happening. Not just that, but film your sad bastard face, talking about, "I slept through dinner because I am a lazy fuck and here we go 'round the mulberry bush with the dollar menu, part 2." Supposing you don't mind people knowing that depressing information, why would you feel compelled to inflict it upon them? Why would you think that they would care? I don't want to know about anyone going to McDonald's unless that person is someone I want to fuck, but haven't fucked yet. If I want to fuck someone and haven't done it yet, I would literally listen to them read me their grocery shopping receipt verbatim, and I'd be fucking genuinely dazzled, like, Wow. That was a beautiful story. You're so brave to have spent $3.79 on that nitrate-infused deli turkey. And some Dijon mustard in a glass jar with a lid, not one of the squeezy deals? Damn, that's exotic as fuck, I bet you're an amazing fucker. Please, fuck me now. Sorry, what? Oh my God, you bought a six-pack of Tiny Bomb? That's so amazing to know what kind of beer is in your fridge. God, I'm so jealous of everything you bought that got to come into your house and be close to you, all chilling in your fridge, like 20-50(?) feet away from where your naked body sleeps. Shit. You're so special. There's only one of you in the universe and I don't even know where the fuck your exceptional motherfucking ass lives. I don't even know what the fuck your ass looks like with your balls all pinched between your legs and kind of sticking out from behind when you sleep on your side. I bet it's glorious. I would give anything to open your fridge and eat some of those grapes you just bought and then get in your bed that probably sits on the goddamn floor without a frame and suck your dick while you watch the Simpsons on your laptop, I don't give a fuck about anything. Don't give a fuck if you have crumbs in your bed and little pieces of weed get in my hair. I don't give a fuck if you smoke weed with seeds in it. I don't give a fuck if you use a Samsung phone. I don't give a fuck if you hate animals. I don't give a fuck if you don't know how to swim. I don't give a fuck if you have a Damien Rice CD in your car. I don't give a fuck if you had a collapsed lung when you were born and they had to fix it and now there's a scar and you act all weird about it. I don't care, I wanna see it. I wanna see you naked and I don't care about anything else in this God-forsaken universe until you let me sit on your dick and smell your hair and kiss your face in the dark. And in the meantime, everything you do is the most fascinating thing in history, every place I know you've been is dusted with gold flakes that spell out '_______ was here.' He was here and his balls were here and he walked his fucking ballsack right over here, then he and his balls turned around and went over there and he waved to someone who was most likely completely oblivious to the fact that they were in the presence of the most special and wonderful person who has ever been alive (and his balls), and that the fibers that hold the universe together are composed of the sounds of what he is doing - dishes, snoring, playing guitar, having an inane telephone conversation, etc. That's the most important stuff in the world, whatever he's doing until I fuck him. Then by some series of events that can only be defined as miracles, I am granted permission to fuck him, say, 10 times. If at that point he's like, "I went to the store, want me to read you the receipt?" I'd be like, "Nah, skip it, did you get grapefruit?" And he'd smack his forehead and grimace and I'd say, "It's okay! No worries, grapefruit are a very forgettable fruit, I can see how you would forget them. They're not very ostentatious. They're sort of camouflaged by the nearby oranges, which are unequivocally the most forgettable fruit. Besides, I know you don't even be fucking all that heavily with fresh fruit in the first place. See, I be knowing shit about you. You like cheese more than anything and now I like cheese more than anything because I like you more than anything even though you won't let me look at your butthole (yet). Oh, what's that, you posted an Instagram story? Aw, it's a huge wheel of cheese you found in the grocery store. Das cute. You and your cheese. I'm gonna hit reply to your Instagram story and tell you how cute you are 'cause I ain't scared of shit anymore, you've already let me hit it 10x. I've already stuck my tongue in your pee hole, you can't take that away from me. Already squeezed your little bellend apart to make your peehole look like it was talkin'. Made your peehole sing 'Blue Moon' and 'Smoke Gets In Your Eyes' and shit. Made your dick croon and shit. Already did that shit. What's this? Another Instagram story... Now, you're in the drive-thru at McDonald's...? I didn't know this mfer ate McDonald's. Hmm. Not hot. Pretending I didn't see that." If they let me hit it for 3+ years and they post an Instagram story of themselves going through McDonald's, I'm definitely going to be like, "Wtf? Why you went thru McDonald's and didn't go to the store? Talking about 'I slept through dinner.' I was still cooking when you left! Why you posting that anyway, somebody trying to fuck you?" Lolll