#technically i started in fucking february lmao but

[smute]

I AM DONE! IM FINALLY DONE OMG

[kiwiana-writes]

Fic Writing Review 2023

Tagged by my fellow stats nerd @stereopticons - thanks pal!

Rules: Feel free to show whatever stats you have. Only want to show Ao3 stats? Rock on. Want to include some quantitative info instead of stats? Please do this. Want to change how yours is presented? Absolutely do that. Would rather eat glass than do this? Please don’t eat glass but don’t feel like you have to do this either.

Words and Fics (fics written in 2023 only)

143,107 words published to ao3. At least 3,900 more guaranteed by the advent fic so... I think I should make a concentrated effort to break 150k, right? 👀

No good way of tracking unpublished words in WIPs written this year. My goal for 2024 is to set up my spreadsheet to track words written as well as published so watch this space.

3 published fandoms: Red White & Royal Blue (book), Schitt's Creek, The Last Of Us (TV show). Technically 1 unpublished fandom in Red White & Royal Blue (film) 😅

Most recent drop: Apart from the daily advent fic drops lilnked above, a PWP interlude in the hockey boyfriend Henry 'verse

Longest (published) fic: By a country fuckin' mile, With so much of my heart (that none is left to protest), aka the Much Ado actor AU, at 65,586 words.

Longest (published) oneshot: Kinda think that I might be his type (Alex and Bea fake date) at 12,864 words

Top Fics by Kudos (fics written in 2023 only)

With so much of my heart (that none is left to protest) [RWRB, Alex/Henry, rated E, 65,586 words]

Kinda think that I might be his type [RWRB, Alex & Bea + Alex/Henry, rated E, 12,864 words]

We were supposed to find this [RWRB, Alex/Henry, rated M, 3,384 words]

Puck It [RWRB, Alex/Henry, rated E, 9,739 words]

Feel your hands in my hair and you whisper my name [RWRB, Alex/Henry, rated E, 2,508 words]

Miscellaneous Data From My Unhinged Spreadsheet about 2023 fics

To no one's surprise, highest percentage of private bookmarks goes to Bukkake Breaky Heart.

Out of 24 fics published in 2023, 14 were explicit, 2 were mature, 7 were teen and up, and 1 was general audiences

3 fics didn't have a title sourced from anywhere. 3 were sourced from literature/poetry, 3 were puns, and the remaining 15 were song lyrics, with 3 each from Taylor Swift and Matt Nathanson.

My highest kudos/hits ratio was on Empty your heart of its mortal dream, aka the Fae Prince Henry fic.

My fandom fic events in 2023

Nilch nada zip in terms of, like, fests. I wanted to do Threesgiving but the words wouldn't come, so a sort-of-threesome-sort-of-foursome will probably appear on some random day in fucking February or something lmao. However while they weren't fandom-specific events, I did do:

Kinktober 2023

Advent 2023

Upcoming Events and Projects for 2024

I have a lot -- a lot a lot a LOT -- of WIPs that will be completed in 2024, so please don't think of this as an exhaustive list, but they are the ones I'm most excited for:

A Practical Arrangement - @clottedcreamfudge has Devised A Punishment if I don't get chapter two out for y'all by Christmas because my usual methods of pushing past my brain bullshit weren't working, so technically this is a 2023 project 🤣 @ships-to-sail and @celeritas2997 have the carrot and CCF has the stick.

Anastasia AU!!! I LOVE this fic and I think it's in the 'meaty one-shot' range buuuuuut we'll see. It might get a little out of control.

Angstapalooza RWRB edition - this is gonna be another long fic, 10-11 chapters, 50k words ish, and I cannot WAIT to make y'all cry sink my teeth into it. My Schitt's Creeks babes know what happens when I deem something 'angstapalooza' lmao.

Hockey Boyfriend Henry part 3, aka the whole reason I started writing the fucking series in the first place lmao

Leverage AU, which I haven't shared anything of yet because it's a post-angstapalooza longfic but I am VERY HYPE FOR.

Rafael Is Surrounded By Disaster Queers, aka the Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead-style Rafael POV... 5+1? Vignettes? set in the Much Ado actor AU verse. Which at this point is just a gift for @inexplicablymine and @cricketnationrise and I wouldn't have it any other way.

STFAU 👀

*infomercial voice* And much, much more!

BUT, 2024 is also for taking original writing seriously. Maybe flash/microfiction on patreon, definitely diving into an original novel. I've thrown in the towel with my contracting agency in the new year and everything. Ack.

Tagging anyone I've tagged above and also @anincompletelist @cha-melodius @hgejfmw-hgejhsf @indestructibleheart @myheartalivewrites and anyone who wants to play because I love data.

[hoardlikegoldenirises]

Noodling with something that happens later in the AU (...probably, I'm not actually sure if Kaine sees this outfit in a calm moment or not... valentine's day 2016 in windowverse is the day that everything goes to shit but there's a lot in my notes that is not fully figured out yet especially because not only do I not want to just use the scene from the comics, I actually can't, because of differences in timeline and so on and so forth. so I'm still working on that. )

Compare to an earlier scene (which I have actually written and not just made notes about lmao):

(og ren fest outfit post: here)

I'm running comparisons and queering the text or whatever the hell—

Recently after many months of not really knowing whether windowverse Kaine ought to be bi or gay or what I had a brainwave which is that, he's probably attracted to masculine presenting people in general, including men, butches and studs. it makes the most sense to me tbh, esp w/ his complicated relationship with his own body, masculinity, manhood, and sexuality in this universe (and 616, arguably). And also because in the comics, Louise was kinda butch or at least not super femme, and so is Terry, and Annabelle dresses however the hell she wants, including in men's clothes sometimes, so I was like. now. hang on. i'm sensing a pattern.

obv zoe and shannon are very feminine but the former is a stalker kaine seems to not actually want to be touched by and the latter was a mind controller so... you know.

really, in windowverse at least, a large facet of kaine's relationships and approach to sexuality is mostly built on this desperation to be loved and therefore taking whatever he can get... for the most part he's essentially doing this responsive, reciprocal thing in addition to trying to be a "real person" by trying to conform to heteronormative standards (but also rebelling against those standards at the same time, thus the skirt) — which is a lot of what his relationship with annabelle ends up being, and a cause of friction as well.

but the suit? actually hot to him.

Annabelle's earrings and purse in the v-day pic were xmas gifts from Kaine btw:

Kate Spade lol

as an aside wrt not being able to use the comics scene for AU kaine's life in houston crumbling apart: i can't make the Other work for that scene in windowverse specifically because in AU by Feb 2016 Kaine is in a position where if he is mortally wounded he will just die.

the Other happens (in October 2015) because Kaine is off his immune meds for a few weeks because he runs out and keeps putting off finding a new doctor etc. but anyway that means his fucked up (auto)immune system can do its thing and turn him into a monster after he's eaten alive by werewolves.

REALLY i actually don't know how long his immune system should take to start (over)working after he stops taking his azathioprine. Mostly i was like how long do t cells and other immune cells take to repopulate? and the answer is: i don't know. i couldn't find a good answer XD but I figure 2 weeks is probably fine............................? it's not like prednisone where he's technically withdrawing for like... 2 years.... (mmm steroids)

but anyway, in february he's had a new doctor for a few months and has access to all of his prescriptions again so like, spider monster ain't happening because he's immunocompromised on his meds— a state which simultaneously keeps his body from destroying itself but also makes him more vulnerable to dying from normal things. like infections. or bazookas.

i do think it would be fun drama if wally shot him though

[intothecometverse]

in honor of february ending, here's what i manifested this month!

🐬 this one time i was practicing a bit later than usual and i was like FUCK ION WANNA EAT DINNER AND THEN GO TO ORCHESTRA REHEARSAL WITHIN HALF AN HOUR THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TIME and then i got an email for the rehearsal schedule and i got at least half an hour more than usual until i had to come. funny enough i was thinking to myself like plz don't make me come until later plz plz plz plz plz plz and then i got the email for the rehearsal schedule so yippe

🐬 going on to that i had to fucking take a shit and ended up arriving to the rehearsal room ON THE DOT (which is late for orchestra standards 💔) but luckily there were still ppl waiting outside while the conductor was dealing with the basses and cellos only (which was the reason why ppl who weren't basses and cellows didn't have to come until half an hour later) so i wasn't late woo! and on my walk there (i was speed walking lol) i was affirming to myself i'm not gonna be late im not gonna be late there are still gon' be ppl waiting outside then boom that happened??? like im god hello??

🐬 having dinner + getting to go on a mini walk with my goth sp (i asked them and they said yes)

🐬 also manifesting conversations with my goth sp just by thinking about experiencing it seconds beforehand

🐬 oh ja and i also manifested being released early from orchestra rehearsals thru just thinking abt it seconds before too 😭😭

🐬 manifested seeing another sp during my regular day activities (their dorm room is around the corner from mine so we see each other a lot xD) like whenever i think abt them boom they pop up 😭. manifesting interactions next 𓆩♡𓆪

🐬 (me personally i think this was my most putting-my-foot-down manifesting moment) i overate one time and felt like throwing up, like i was feeling ALL the symptoms i usually do before i throw up so i was like "I'm not gonna throw up im not gonna throw up, remember who's in control. I AM in control, nothing else! the 3d will conform, because i said so, IT'S GOING TO CONFORM, NOW" and then i felt fine, just like that :D

🐬 not needing to get out of bed and take a piss one night when i was rly tired (affirmed "i don't need to piss" until i fell asleep 😭)

🐬 my room being opened one night when i got locked out at like 1/2 am

🐬 my grade in jazz history being raised from a D to a B- (and hopefully an A by the end of the quarter)

🐬 also i have all As in all my other classes

🐬 getting to have a fun hangout before February ended lol

🐬 having friends my age who live in dorms near me xD

🐬 my eczema getting healed without special ointment or anything

🐬 birf control (technically manifested it way back in December bc that was when i got a confirmed appointment but wtv. i got the implant this month so xD)

🐬 clearer skin

🐬 i have super long hair and the ends didn't dry out (technically this is like a continuous manifestation but i just wanted to mention it. basically I've been affirming "the ends of my hair is immune to split ends and drying out as it gets longer" and it worked!)

🐬 being better at trumpet :D (i told my trumpet teacher how much i practiced during one lesson, and continued to play during our lesson even when i surpassed my usual amount of time playing during an average day and he said I've gotten stronger due to playing for so long yet still sounding relatively fresh. and recently I've kept playing for longer amounts of time during the day and I've still been fine so yippe

what i'm looking for manifesting-wise in march:

🦞 shifting lmao

🦞 being successful in my job

🦞 being successful in all areas of life actually

🦞 getting to hang out with both sps + them getting along as friends so we could be a whole trio :3

🦞 my sps texting me first along with me texting them first (like yk how they say it should be like a 50/50 thing with who starts the convos and shit)

🦞 supernatural shit like powers, wings, horns, and like those king sombra kinda smoky eyes

🦞 WORLD. PEACE.

hope this inspired you, and remember, anything is possible, and u are loved!

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

[slayerkitty]

2023 in Review: Meta Edition

So I got tagged to do a moth-by-month meta review by a few people - @chickenstrangers, @lurkingshan, and @ranchthoughts. I wasn't sure I had enough meta or posts, but then I remembered Only Friends...

So I figured, why not?

January/February

No meta from me yet - was still lurking/starting to poke my head out and interact a little.

March

My Favorite/Most Popular: Dome is Jesus! So I've long said that my first BL meta was for La Pluie, and that's true. However, my first meta since I started watching Thai dramas was for Midnight Museum (which is, technically, not a BL). Thus we have my Dome is Jesus meta. And I don't think I was wrong? But he was also way more than that, lol.

April

My Favorite/Most Popular: Dome is one of the four Horseman of the Apocalypse. Midnight Museum season 2 WHEN?

May

No meta this month.

June

My Favorite/Most Popular: Dream loves Nara. HAHA, my first La Pluie/BL meta and it's about the GL side couple. Dream wore that red 'N' right over her heart on that sweater and since I've been to the @respectthepetty school of color, I noticed it right away. AND I WAS RIGHT.

July

My Favorite/Most Popular: Turtle Tai. My La Pluie meta where I over identify with Tai for several paragraphs. I have no idea if it helped others who were struggling with Tai get a better understanding of where he was coming from emotionally, but writing it was cathartic and I'm so glad @lurkingshan poked at me and said I should write it.

August

Most Popular: Let's Talk About Trust, Baby. One of my first Only Friends metas from early on, when the show was absolutely eating my brain. I had a lot of fun breaking down the trust dynamics of the characters.

My Favorite: Baby, Let's Try. My breakdown of the Let's Try OST MV (and Only Friends BTS videos) analyzing the different framing devices and effects used and what it might be saying regarding our larger group discussions on ephemerality in regard to the show. When I watched this MV and realized what was happening, I had to drop everything and write out meta and that was so much fun.

September

Most Popular: Narrative Frameworks in Only Friends (post episode 4). I ended up doing this weekly and it was so fascinating... until the frameworks went away. Why, P'Jojo?

My Favorite: Working with @jenyifer to figure out the story of the Only Friends end cards for each episode. It finally put the mystery of those moments to rest and figuring out where they originated or where they fight in the chronology of the show really added some depth to certain moments.

October

My Favorite/Most Popular: With the dramatics and exhausting reveals of the Red Peafowl casting announcements, I loved my reaction: Let's Just Stan the Fucking Bird. @blmpff mentioned fan club memberships and the Featherheads were born.

November

My Favorite/Most Popular: (Stages of) Grief in Last Twilight. I wanted to explore where Day and Mhok were with the grieving process. My only Last Twilight meta (so far?).

December

My Favorite/Most Popular: Narrative Choices in For Him the series.

Honorable Mention: my most noted post of the year, lmao, but not a meta - my second Pit Babe is trending post.

Look at me, I got all wordy from July through November, LOL. Here's hoping for more meta and more brain rotting BLs in 2024.

Not tagging anyone, but if you see this and you wanna do it, consider yourself tagged!!

[eriyu]

9,12,17,22 for the ask meme :)

Favorite Song

this is such a hard question ;_; almost all of my favorites are vocal tracks because i'm basic. i've been listening to Give It All nonstop lately... but I think it might ultimately be between Dedicated to Moonlight and A Long Fall. the former feels extra special to me as a mooncat with Menphina as my patron, and the Sailor Moon vibes... and A Long Fall just fucks. we all know that. plus i'm a sucker for leitmotif.

Answers and Flow are like... they make me the most emotional for sure, but they make me TOO emotional and it hurts and i can't listen to them too often. :(

and as a special mention, i'd never paid it any particular mention before, but Songs of Salt and Suffering really, really impressed me at Distant Worlds. it sounds SO good live, like the way you can just feel the strings all the way down in your chest.

Best Dungeon

this is also a really hard question for me because i never know whether to answer in terms of gameplay, or story, or aesthetics... i feel like it has to be Ktisis for the story and the extra special duty support treat though.

special mentions to Amaurot and the Dead Ends for story, the Burn and the Twinning for music, and the Aery for ourple...... i feel like i still need more time to settle on Dawntrail dungeons, but i do love the gameplay in them a lot.

Which Patch Did You Start In

Technically(™) i was part of the ARR closed beta! but my PC couldn't run the game, i didn't even make it to the character creator, and i didn't really want to play a game with a subscription model anyway, so i gave up.

then i came back and started for real right after 4.55 dropped!!! searching back through discord, it looks like i starting thinking about it again in 2017. said this in 2018.

and then twitch prime offered a free month in february 2019, which is how it finally got me lmao. they just had to let me be a little bit cheap at the beginning, and now i will give them money forever.

AFK Spot

usually? wherever i just happen to be. x_x near a retainer bell, probably.

but occasionally i just put ehryu to bed and watch her sleep. :) she deserves to rest

[legendary-dumpster-fire]

Warning: If you are a twin, PLEASE take care when reading this!

Statement of Juno Russel, regarding the replacement of their twin sister, Charlotte Russel.

Statement taken February 21th, 2015 at The Usher Foundation, Washington DC

Yeah, I know this sounds weird and unrealistic as hell, but please, hear me out.

Charlotte and I, we were the twins who always looked near identical. We weren't COMPLETELY identical, like I was shorter, she had a thinner face, ect. But there were ALWAYS adults that could just never tell us apart, no matter how long they've known us.

This nightmare started when Charlotte started dating her fucking boyfriend, John.

He never sat right with me, even from day one. John started at school back in mid-November, and from day one had a thing for Charlotte. And for some reason, she had a thing for him back, which was VERY out of character for her. That wasn't the only weird thing about this situation. Every time I try to picture John, I see nothing. All I see is a vague humanoid shape in the back of my mind, which is NOT normal for someone you see every day. I don't even think he has a last name, just John.

I thought that was really fucking weird, and I told Charlotte as such, but she just blew me off and said I was just biased since I wasn't really attracted to guys.

Anyways those two started dating, things changed. I never really saw Charlotte as often. She always sat with him at lunch, was always on dates, and just in general not in the house as often.

Then two days ago, on the 19th, John invited Charlotte over to his house for the night, and that's when it all went to shit.

I immediately told Charlotte "no, don’t do it" but she told me I couldn't tell her what to do. I told her that if I couldn't get her to decline, that she should at least text me when she got there. She agreed, and went to go find John.

And that was the last time I saw her. Well, not technically, but I'll get to that.

Anyways, I went home, and waited for the text. It should have only been 30 minutes TOPS, but then an hour passed. Then two. Then three. I was getting very nervous by this time, and then my phone vibrated. Charlotte finally texted me HOURS LATER. But the text I received was the furthest from ANYTHING my sister would write.

Charlotte’s texting style has always been lowercase and full words, with an unintentional type here and there. The only texting acronym she’s ever used is “lmao.” This text? Near illegible. What was sent could probably not even be considered English: “im @ J’s. ttyl b.” Then I thought she did it just to fuck with me, that she was still pissed that I didn’t want her to go. Looking back, I should have known something was terribly, horribly wrong.

I spent the rest of the night doing what I always did on a Thursday night: homework, dinner, ect. I never got another text from Charlotte before I went to sleep that night.

I woke up feeling something was “off.” I couldn't place it, so I just went to school like normal. I waited for Charlotte at the front gate to our school building, but at three minutes till homeroom, I gave up.

Charlotte still wasn’t there when the bell rang. Our teacher, Ms. Jones, started calling role, and when she got to “Charlotte Russel” the door opened, and in walked somebody I had never met before, but felt like I should have. “Sorry, Ms. J, time just slipped away from me this morning.” Ms. Jones' next words will haunt me for the rest of my life: “It’s okay, Charlotte, just don’t let it happen again.” The girl sat where my Charlotte always sat, and everything sunk in all at once. That girl was supposed to be my sister.

My Charlotte had semi-curly light brown hair that went about mid back and dressed like a twelve year old boy. She had glasses too, brown plastic frames that were rectangle-ovalish, But this one? This girl, this not-Charlotte, I guess. looked NOTHING like the person I grew up with. She was a natural blond, with pin-straight hair almost hitting her ass. And there were no glasses in sight. And her clothes? Probably cost more than our RENT.

The rest of the morning I tried my very very best to avoid not-Charlotte as much as I could. I succeeded. Until lunch. I went to our normal table and started eating, and not two minutes later she appeared in the lunchroom. Everyone acted like they knew her, which was really odd, because I was pretty sure none of us had seen her before that morning. We locked eyes, and I felt my stomach drop as she made her way to where I was sitting.

Those next moments were probably the worst five minutes of my life. Not-Charlotte said things, things that only my Charlotte would know, things nobody else knew. When I asked her what sick game she was playing, her exact words were, “Ever since I got here this morning from John’s house, you’ve been treating me like I’m a complete stranger. What did I do wrong?”

And that was it. That was the final straw that broke the camel’s back. I packed up my things as quickly as possible, grateful I never actually used my locker, and got the fuck out of there.

I got home in record time, thanking every deity out there that my parents weren’t home. I ran around the house, trying to find every family photo we owned, seeing if I was somehow the crazy person.

Every photo I found was the same: my mother, my father, a brown-haired child, and a blond. Picture after picture depicted the same, and I was slowly losing it. Until I opened my polaroid shoebox. Where picture after picture was of the familiar dumbass I grew up with. I broke down right then and there, grateful that my Charlotte wasn’t just an illusion, and confused why these polaroids were the only proof.

I stayed in my room the rest of the day. At about 4pm I heard the front door open and close, then the door to Charlotte’s room. I stayed completely silent, not wanting to draw attention to that thing that replaced my sister. Then my parents called us to dinner, and I had no choice but to interact with it.

I observed my parents during dinner, seeing if they noticed not-Charlotte. They didn’t. They interacted with it that same way they always had with Charlotte. And I think that's what scared me the most; my parents treating it like it like it was their daughter.

And that was the last meal I will ever share with them.

That night I packed up my backpack with all the essentials, waited until I thought everyone was asleep, and got the fuck out of there.

And now I’m here, in Washington DC, giving my statement to a bunch of stuffy academics who may or may not believe me.

I hope you’re happy.

Archivist notes: attached to the statement are two photographs: one obviously printed at a drugstore, the other a polaroid. They look to have been taken just moments apart, but there is one major difference between the two. The polaroid depicts two teenagers, obviously twins, both smiling, the photo as clear as a polaroid can be. The drugstore photo, however, depicts two wildly different people, without context you would never guess that they were siblings. The different person in the photo looks blurry, almost like it was a bad photoshop job.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Out of all of the 15 Powers, The Stranger has always been the one that has affected me the most. When I was younger, I was DEATHLY afraid of mannequins, taxidermy, ect. When I was 8 - 9, I had a dream about mirrors and didn’t look in a single one until I was around 11 - 12.

I’m not as afraid of these things now as I was earlier in life, but I still haven’t looked in a mirror the same way again. And full taxidermy can not, under ANY circumstances, be in a full environment behind glass. It can be just the critter, no landscape, but add in a backdrop, foliage, ect? It's too Real™ and I have to nope the Fuck out of there.

And to make matters worse, I am a twin. My biggest fear is that one day I will wake up and they are no longer the person I shared a room with for 17 years. 

So I wrote this fic. It hurt like a motherfucker to write, but I did it.

[justfor2am]

*Giggles and twirls my hair and kicks my feet* Im from Ao3 and I was just wondering whats the status on why do i (even try) like tehehehe whats up with that babes?? You haven't updated it since February 🤪🤗😙 please for the love of christ I am not ok 😍😝🤭

hi there! this is the funniest fucking ask i could've woken up to

my answer is mental health is a bitch and i simply have not had the energy to write more yet (key word: yet!) because the last few months have been a bitch

however! that is not to say that i don't have ideas planned (or technically have already started chapter 21 lmao), it's just been kinda hard getting back into the swing of writing long-form fics, or fics in general, and i really miss it

but i'm not making any hard promises on the next chapter, it'll be done when it's done. i do have something else that i'm working on in the meantime though, that i hope you'll enjoy when it comes out :)

[laufire]

I borrowed this from someone at dreamwidth and I thought I'd post it over here too: behold, my (completed*) January reading! feel free to borrow the meme yourself.

(list & some thoughts under the cut)

NOVELS

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. This was, technically, a reread. I say technically because I don't remember the last part of the book and now I'm wondering if I DNFed it over a decade ago and completely forgot LMAO. I... could see why. While it's A Classic, and there's plenty to like in the novel, especially in the sisters, the moralising really got to me at some points. The biggest was the one where Jo attends this meeting full of artists and geniuses and political giants ~behaving just like people~~ and this is DEVASTATING to her (and then Bhaer peddles some chrisitanism). Gurl, I would have loved that LOL. But all in all I mostly enjoyed the read. I did it bit by bit, subscribed to The Public Domain Book Club in substack; each month (or, in LW's case, each couple of months) they go through a book. I've kept the subscription for February, where it'll post "Sense and Sensibility", another Jane Austen novel I haven't read.

Lud-in-the-Mist by Hope Mirlees. I fucking ADORED this novel. I've mentioned it in this blog before but I just found it such a treat to read. Mirlees' prose is enticing and enchanting and everything I want mine to be. If you're someone that enjoys a good descriptive, florid style of narration, give this one a shot.

SHORT STORIES

I read three short stories by Angel Carter. The first three in "Burning Your Boats", apparently her earliest work: "The Man Who Loved a Double Bass", "A Very, Very Great Lady and Her Son at Home", and "A Victorian Fable (with Glossary)". They're not nearly as good as the handful of later ones I've read, but I enjoyed seeing some signs of her future style. "A Victorian Fable" was also really interesting in a technical sense.

*I put the cover of the whole book, although those three only form a section of it, just to make this more manageable.

COMICS COMICS COMICS

I'll just list here runs I set out to start and finished. Sometimes that means "reading every appearance of character X", sometimes "reading everything author Y did in this volume", sometimes "this one specific issue-long plot", sometimes it's a run properly speaking.

DC Speechless. Really cute run. Just some popcorn to the brain that you can chill with.

Robin: Year One. A re-read. Sometimes Chuck Dixon writes well. I absolutely don't have to hand it to him though.

The Judas Contract. A staple and a must-read if you're interested in these characters. Tara Markov's characterisation is sure. Something that happened. But unintentionally on the part of the writers, very, very interesting. And I loved reading Joey's introduction! Ngl, I lowkey ship him with Dick. I lowkey ship Dick with a lot of people lol.

Superman: Lost. This run is more interesting in a meta sense than a properly narrative one. I'll have to mull over it.

Oracle: Year One (The Batman Chronicles #5). Another re-read. BTW, it's already suspect that Robin: Year One has FOUR issues (and Nightwing: Year One SIX), AND JOKER IS GOING TO HAVE THREE, but Oracle: Year One is like, 18 pages within a random issue of a Batman-adjacent comic ñlaksdjf. She deserved something longer and plottier. BUT. Those 18 pages are near perfect and a must-read to all DC fans.

The Next Batman: Second Son. About Timothy "Jace" Fox, who was Batman for a little while. I was curious, and it's a really short read (the issues are more webtoon-length than usual comics length). It was fine, but I had set out to read it before I was like, 99% done with Prime Earth lol. I wouldn't read it now and I doubt I'll continue his journey. Sorry Jace, you were alright.

Nightwing/Huntress. Loved it. Gave me a new ship. A bit heavy-handed at times (Devin Grayson's writing gains a lot more subtlety later on), but I still loved it. And the art is gorgeous.

Batman & Son (Batman #655-658). AKA a reread of Damian's introductory arc. Morrison will have to answer for their crimes against Talia lol, but I wanted a refresher.

JLA/Titans. I'd say the same re: Devin's writing (and I'd say the same about the next in the list), but it was also a really enjoyable read. Very long, lots of characters and moving parts, lots of POWER OF FRIENDSHIP Titans stuff but they're messy as fuck (as proved by the continuation of this plot in...).

Titans #1-20, aka Devin's run. LOVED IT. They are SO messy, SO interesting, SO fun to read. The exact opposite of the current Titans run, if you ask me lmao. The character concepts alone... *chef's kiss*.

Devin Grayson's Nightwing run. Oh, this is a controversial one (yes, this one includes the infamous #93, but you have to analyse it in context)... but I adored it. Grayson's writing matured for this one, it's a lot more nuanced, it doesn't lead you by the hand. It was extremely compelling, maybe one of the most compelling storyarcs I've read in DC comics. And ofc, it was cut short and interrupted in an abrupt way by editorial meddling smh. @ dc, fight me.

Far From the Tree (Batman: Gotham Knights #15). I read this one because I wanted a taste for Tim's characterisation under certain circumstances. It's good. Bruce is an ass during it xD

[vyther16]

wip wednesday!

hi friends it absolutely hasn't been months since i last posted one of these lmao (rip to the entirety of 2023 bc the last time i posted a wip wednesday was in february)

anyway have a snippet of a Wednesday (2022) fic that i started today, and will (theoretically) be posted by the end of the week bc i feel productive. (by putting this in writing, i have probably jinxed it so everyone knock on wood for me)

(also thanks to @myhamartiaishubris for the prompt of "this prompt contains spoilers for the fic that are not revealed in this snippet")

snippet under the cut (cw: light torture, magical compulsions, implied grooming)

When Tyler wakes from Bianca’s siren song, he’s chained to a chair in a shed filled with paintings of the monster. He clings to the last shred of self-control left to him in order to keep from having a panic attack.  He knows Wednesday. He knows the lengths she’ll go to. He prays that he’ll be able to explain. If Laurel’s command lets him. If Wednesday lets him. “So,” Wednesday begins, opening her bag. “You’re the Hyde.” There’s a truly impressive amount of torture instruments packed away. Wednesday is laying each one out methodically, and Tyler can feel his breath picking up at the sight. At least he’s already sitting down. Laurel never gave him that luxury. “What made you finally turn on Laurel? Did she ask too many questions about your mother?”  Tyler snarls, fear momentarily lost. “Leave my mother out of this.” “Ah, but she’s a major part,” Wednesday replies, pulling out a manila folder. “Francoise Galpin, admitted to Willowhill Psychiatric Hospital after postpartum depression triggered her Hyde nature. That same nature that was passed down to you.” Tyler blinks at the folder. “What the fuck Wednesday. Did you steal my mother’s health records?” he snaps, incredulous. He knows she has no respect for boundaries, but still. That’s his mother. “Technically, Thing did. I was preparing my bag.” Wednesday drops the folder in his lap. “Now, are you going to tell us the truth?” Tyler opens his mouth. Laurel’s command washes over him again, and he almost retches trying to force out the words he wants to say.  Finally he manages to get out something. “What do you want me to say, Wednesday?” He hates how desperate his voice sounds. He hates that that's the closest he can get to saying what he wants. “What was Laurel’s grand plan?” Wednesday asks, reaching for a taser that’s been set out. Crackstone, he tries to say. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says instead, the command overtaking his tongue again. There’s a sharp, crackling pain in his neck, and he shouts in surprise. Laurel never used electricity, no tasers or car batteries or anything, but it fucking hurts. No blood though. No broken skin.  “Don’t lie,” Wednesday snaps.

<3

[whoiskt]

2022 draws to a close... it is time now... the questions...

1: What did you do in 2022 that you’d never done before?

WENT TO THE OCEAN!!! BABEY WE FINALLY MADE IT!

Also wrote a TV pilot script which has altered the course of my future in ways that are yet to be determined....

I did some other things, of course, but nothing as big as those. Like, I went to the renaissance faire, and tried hot pot, poisoned myself with mold. Just a tastes of some firsts.

2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I made... so many. It was too much. 

Read 10 books--- Yeah, I technically have started and failed to complete many books. This does include Dracula -_- I’m so bad at finishing things. I’m trying to finish one before New Years.

Go to an event I wouldn’t normally attend--- I mean, I did go to the ren faire... so I want to count this.

Run a mile in less than 12 minutes outdoors--- I didn’t try lmao once it was warm enough to run outdoors I had completely forgotten.

Apply for at least 4 jobs a week----

I was trying to film a second a day too and that ended in... February. 

Yeah, anyways, I don’t know. I got to be more reasonable.

3: Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nay! Least you count all the girlies at work.

4: Did anyone close to you die?

Nay!

5: What countries did you visit?

I’m still working on that ok?

6: What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022?

Watch as KT chooses “career” for the fourth year in a row... Honestly, no. I’m going to say a feeling of community. That’s what I really want.

7: What dates from 2022 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I will probably forget everything. I still remember the queen died on the 8th of September. I don’t know why I remember that but I doubt it will last.

8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Writing the script. I mean, it has changed a bit, and will continue to, but it was a big step in this journey I’m on. And as you know, I rarely finish things I start, so this was a big deal. Even if it never sees the light of day.

I read it to my family at Christmas and my oldest bro-in-law told me to keep making it because he likes it.... HUGE compliment coming from him.

I have also written the outlines for several other episodes for this not-real TV show of mine. I think I’m up to 5 outlines, in addition to the script. So, yeah. Even if it never gets to TV I might make it into a webcomic. Like, I'll make a pact that if I haven't gotten it made by the time I'm 30, I'll start making it into a webcomic instead.

Plus, I’ve been working a lot on my portfolio. I need to finish that up in January and then I’ll be applying for grad school! Scary but exciting. 

9: What was your biggest failure?

My biggest failure of the year was probably whenever I applied and interviewed for that broadcasting job. I was really bummed that I didn’t get the job because of the following reasons:

1) It was “the perfect” job for me, I was perfectly qualified and it was in the perfect place, as close as I could get to my “dream job” without leaving the state.

2) There was three (3!) openings. The odds should have been in my favor

3) I knew someone who was already working there. Just embarrassing to me like, ok, so he knows I didn’t get the position. We went to school together our resumes were VERY similar ya know? How did I not get it?

But my biggest failure did lead me to self-reflect. The job search the last few years has been so hard. Getting this rejection was a very big “I can’t do this anymore” moment, so I was thinking, what has brought me satisfaction in all this? The answer was the TV show I write in my notes app.

And because I believe in that enough, I guess I’m going to go do that now instead. Either way, it’s been really fucking nice since then to have just completely given up on the job search. Just so nice.

10: Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes, first I was sick... idk some time in Spring. Then I drank mold and became poisoned that way, so that was fun. And this last week I’ve had a stomach bug so wooo! I look forward to being well again.

11: What was the best thing you bought?

I bought the new tablet. It is really nice. But it would really only be useable thanks to Will, letting me borrow his computer all the time these days. 

12: Whose behavior merited celebration?

I respect all my friends for their behavior and growth or dealing with challenges. It was tough ages 18-24 dealing with losing friends, but now the people I choose to surround myself never worry me, or shock me, or even come close to disgusting me. That’s not something I could have said when I was younger (sadly). But now all my friends are super solid and I am proud to know them.

13: Whose behavior made you appalled?

I don’t know... sometimes my coworkers do stuff but I wouldn’t call it outright appalling? At worst it’s petty drama or bootlicking. But I’m very good at leaving things at work so I don’t care.

14: Where did most of your money go?

They keep increasing the gd rent grrrrr

15: What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The ocean and the beach and the accompanying aura was really cool. I was so excited in general for summer and warm weather, which I think I’m just thinking about because I want it really bad right now. 

Chainsaw Man anime! It’s been great showing it to Will, now he knows who tf I’m talking about.

16: What song will always remind you of 2022?

I really don’t listen to pop songs anymore but on our drive to the east coast we discovered Brick + Motar which has become a staple in our home, so pretty much all their songs.

17: Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?

I’m probably in all ways about the same. This is what I talk about when I say all the last few years have been a blur because things really don’t get better or worse they just stay the same.

18: What do you wish you’d done more of?

Focusing on finishing things I started. Running theme here, I know, lmao

19: What do you wish you’d done less of?

Play stupid little games on my phone. I seriously get addicted to these things.

20: How did you spend Christmas?

Went home. It was really brief this year. I'll make sure my visit next year is an extended stay.

21: Did you fall in love in 2022?

Never stopped.

22: What was your favorite TV program?

Some things I enjoyed this year: Severance, What We Do in the Shadows, Arcane, Chainsaw Man, Spy x Family, Jojo Part 6, Bee and Puppycat: Lazy in Space, Fringe, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, Gravity Falls, and many docs.

23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nah.

24: What was the best book you read?

I have been and should be finished reading “The Song of Achilles” soon. I enjoy it because before I played Hades, and as a former greek mythology kid, I hadn’t heard of Patroclus, and I enjoy learning more about him..

25: What was your greatest musical discovery?

I did a lot of musical discovery this year. Like, more than usual, probably not a lot compared to most people. First off, I discovered Of Montreal (not from Montreal sus) TV on the Radio, and of course my Spotify top song of the year: “Heart It Races” by Architecture in Helsinki (I have yet to listen to a single other song of theirs because I just know nothing can top this).

Will discovered Brick + Mortar, and Fish in a Birdcage, which I have coveted.

I have also enjoyed That Handsome Devil and Spoon. Although there is more diving to do with them.

26: What did you want and get?

New drawing tablet. 

27: What did you want and not get?

New laptop. My tastes are just too expensive and so I ended up using the money for other things.

28: What was your favorite film of this year?

EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE!

29: What one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Writing things for myself and then reading them off to Will. Oh, yeah, my TV show has a fan! Just greenlight me baby!

30: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2022?

Visions from higher powers. But mostly I don’t wear pants at home. I’m not wearing pants as I write this.

31: What kept you sane?

Socializing. Going outside. Going for walks. Music. My notes app.

32: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I don’t care about celebrities but I do care about Aki Hayakawa.

33: What political issue stirred you the most?

I lost rights this year so..... oof.

34: Who did you miss?

My kitty cat. 

35: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022.

I learned not to compromise on quality of life? Life is filled with dreams. You gotta follow the string of satisfaction. 

It’s easy to get caught up in a stream of “well I have to do this, and then that, and then I’ll be happy.” Which is pretty much how I have lived my life up to this point. I went to college because I thought it was a step to happiness. I wasn’t happy while doing it. I should have done something else, I think. It was unhappy times. 

Like, I don’t really like my job, it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life, or even a year more, but it’s something I can do now, while pursuing other things that DO satisfy me... and THAT’S the satisfaction I have in my life. Before, it was just a step while I waited for something better. But I realize that’s not a good way to live life.

36: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

[barbieb0y]

i blanked out for a bit and just realized i havent said what i wanted to say to u abt guilty gear. lol. anyway, i actually (technically) have one consistent main in gg, who is baiken, but in strive i kinda have 2, which is baiken and bridget!! i play bridget bc she's a fun character to play, has a cute design, boppin theme and bc she's trans but mostly bc she's rlly fun! i remember just having such a blast playing her... i haven't played bridget in forever bc i like playing her strive ver more compared to her older version (she's rlly complex in the first game she was in orz)

ive been maining baiken ever since i started playing around, like, february 2021?? so she's pretty special to me! she's rlly pretty samurai lady that drinks (i have a lot of fighting game crushes LMAO) and also a rlly cool character that grows as the story goes on! (also super fun to play!)

i also play slayer and leo whitefang for a bit but it's been a bit since i played them so i think they dont count anymore lol oh and i casually play giovanna bc she's similar to this one character i play in another fighting game (also cause she looks like this one fighting game lady i have a cru)

i have this one color i rlly LOVE playing in guilty gear/arcsys games in general which i call arcsys/playstation blue! it's the one color where the characters are wearing blue and black but the blue is glowing! rlly love that color <3 i have huge debt to guilty gear bc it introduced me to d4dj thanks to their collab, and you can see how that went lol

thats all, hehe! i love talking abt fighting games bc i dont have much of a chance lol so im sosososo glad to have someone to talk to!! <3

(also fun fact abt baiken: she uses ore when speaking in japanese)

(also also this was meant to be sent to the replies of your post but there was so much i wanted to say, lol byee take my rant abt my fighting game mains)

OOOOOOO IVE SEEN BAIKEN ALSO BRIDGET AAAAAA sorry im biased i see trans character my eyes become hearts. all the characters sound really cool tbh. baiken using ore is cool as fuck wtf. good for her good for her

i also have minor crushes on all the guys. especially anji as you may know. im Simping with a capital S. he is so hot im so sorry im a simple man

I SAW THE COLOR YOU MENTIONED IN THE BETA TEST i was wondering what that was :0 i think theres also a pink version and a green version right? i think i saw those. for now im just sticking with the original colors bc thats what im used to but i wanna try the other colors too at some point :D

woah i did not know gg introduced you to d4dj ngl. i remember when the gg collab dropped i was like. oh okay another random collab idc abt LMAOOOOOO now im eating my own words. i do remember getting the sol badguy discs in d4dj tho lmao

and yw! tbfh the only fighting game ive consistently played is tekken (alisa main since i was 6 <3) so. im not the best person to actually discuss fighting games with LOL but as ive said, you are very much free to infodump whenever you want. i mean it. even if i dont get to play certain fighting games, at least i get to know some stuff about them. honestly even with tekken i. dont really pay attention to the lore HELP but thats normal for fighting game fans i think. also fighting game men are so Hot and Gender and oh my god muscles ... muscles

[sierrabinondo]

2023

jesus christ. lmao

well.

real quick- i'm basically never posting the link to these again. either people know where to find them or they don't. i think it's better that way.

for the first week of this year i had only one eye. i had poked my eyeball with my wire brush and couldn't open it without experiencing excruciating pain for days. i think that dumb little injury- unfortunate, yet kinda funny- really set the tone for 2023.

the first few months i was essentially in hibernation. we were hard at work tracking vocals on the with sails ahead record well into april, technically may too. we ran into so many setbacks- joe got sick, then i got sick (or vice versa???), one night i had a really bad crying spell and stayed home, sometimes shit just came up- it was incredibly difficult. and we were losing our minds feeling like this record was taking forever to get done. five nights a week spent tracking vocals, sometimes doing upwards of 60 takes (sry joe) to get my takes as perfect as possible. it was fucking. tough. and there's still things i wish i could have done differently, but we got it done.

it's kind of angering to think about how i've gotten better as a vocalist even in the time since, and i wish i could apply what i've learned to the record. but that just means that the songs will sound even better live, which will be awesome. i'm still proud of a lot of the work i did on the record.

at the end of the day, spending all that time making an album was the best possible use of my time. i don't regret it at all. i wish i could have streamed, but it's okay.

that truly was my life from january to april. i did dry january and it went well so i'm doing it again in 2024. i think i managed to extend it into most of February. the goal is to also continue it for as long as possible or generally abstain from alcohol more since WSA will be so busy. we went to shows here and there, and when we did hang out we got together at joe's since we had already been working. but that was really it. i finally got a new tattoo, which was the digimon sword piece i had been dying to get forever. i got to go to the new kura location in edison, too.

april happened. and then may was also a month.

june was an exceptionally busy month, and in that time we went on tour for WC3. three weeks prior, ryan had to bow out of the run due to an injury and we were SO fucking lucky that cha could step in last-minute. with all things considered, we played well on tour. as weepy and fucked up in the head as i was, that was one of my favorite weeks of this year, and one of my favorite memories. there's a longer, more detailed recap below so i won't go into exacts. but being around my friends all week was bliss.

in june, i also started taking muay thai classes. i had always wanted to go back to taking martial arts classes in some way, shape or form but i didn't think it would happen this soon. i thought maybe in my mid-30's i'd start, but it just worked out that i could start going now. i didn't start prior due to budget and time restraints but, i moved closer to my friends' gym, so i could finally go train. i knew it was going to be way different from cardio kickboxing, but understanding *some* of those fundamentals helped me at least have half a foot forward when i began training. it's taking me so long to absorb everything since i can only go once a week, but it has been fucking awesome. there was one class where emily and i were just throwing each other around on the mat, and it was a blast. not only has it been really fun and incredible to learn, but i have become closer with my friends sean and emily, and made a new friend in our classmate kim. they've all been a tremendous help in getting me through this year; probably more than they'll ever know.

god every month this year was so busy. early july, we finally filmed our music videos for the record and played a couple gigs. the month absolutely flew by. shooting the videos was a blast, and the two fests we played were very fun. sadly, in the midst of those two gigs, i was living a fucking nightmare. any sane person would cancel the shows and all of their obligations but i decided not to. i probably would have been better off for it, but i felt like playing the shows and being around my friends was better than being at home and mourning never seeing my dog again. but in july, i also returned to streaming, and it was so bittersweet going live again. since then, it's been difficult to maintain the schedule i once had, but i'm just so fucking grateful and glad that my community is still here. they didn't go anywhere. and i really don't care if i grow at the moment, because if they keep coming back that's all that matters. they are what makes continuing to stream worth it or even enjoyable at all. it's so much fun.

in august, WSA decided to start giving a shit about tiktok and meeting at joe's to do bits. we had the WC3R weekender, so we figured it was a good time to start getting into the swing of posting. if we want to grow at all, we have to. it really helped with promoting our shows. when we went on the weekender later that month, we got to see detroit and chicago for the first time. i am so blessed to be able to travel with my best friends and see cool shit. we also meet the most wonderful people and get to see longtime friends on the road, many of which we maintained contact with online only. i never hesitate to reassure people that tour is grueling, but it is so fucking rewarding.

the summer overall was awesome. spent a lot of time with friends new and old, longboarded, went to a food festival, spent a lot of time in brooklyn and philly. I SAW TWICE LIVE, FINALLY. top 3 best concerts of all time, it might rival the on letting go 10 year for #1. saw my childhood best friend get married and enjoyed a trip with my family to north carolina. SHOUTOUT ABARI VIDEO GAME BAR IN CHARLOTTE. because of emily, i also got to go to the beach so much!!! girl hooked it up with free badges!! and that was something i really wanted to make sure i didn't miss out on this year. i was sad the summer ended so early, but it was a good one.

when september came, it was like a break before the final arc of the year began. i still had to haul ass and get band stuff done, otherwise i took it a little easier. my month kicked off with a trip to the DMV, which was incredible. the barbeque at adam's was awesome, and i had a blast living with kevin and caleb for a week. it felt wrong to leave to be honest LMAOOOO. i am so grateful to them for their hospitality. basically when i crash there i live in their basement lmao and i work remotely!! and it totally all works out! then we hang really hard at night. karaoke at queen's gambit was. god. just one of the most perfect nights out i have ever had. and even the nights where we didn't do much, it was wonderful. later that month was my birthday, for which my plans got hella derailed due to the storm, but my friends who are local still came which i'm so grateful for. we partied hard and sang karaoke for hours. i wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

being single is fucking weird, but i'm mostly used to it now. it's nice to get attention but i rarely feel like actually into anyone. and when i do, it's not reciprocated. also! being on dating apps is fucking weird! i got on them because i was craving physical intimacy but since then i've only gone on one date. that was just two days ago. people are just so weird. i really tried to connect with both men and women- i don't even want anything serious- but people just stop answering. thankfully, i really didn't get discouraged over it at all. i'm not gonna lie, i also just would stop answering people i was initially interested in. it just sucks so much. it's hard to feel anything, even excitement. but i guess i also don't really take it seriously. hence my insane prompt answers lmao

october through december was basically 9 seconds. mostly because of us dropping new music. i spent october scrambling to get everything ready, november was all about darting, then prepping for the rest of the album shit we need and filming content in december. i finally got to see ciara again since we met in LA!! we showed her around philly and jersey. i finally got to see steph and her family, regretfully for the first time in a long time. i'm pretty sure i was there the month prior then went back for brian's birthday. it's been harder for us to get time in together, but hanging out with steph is always just like picking up where we left off, no matter how long it's been. i went to a really fun wedding halloween weekend, and got to cosplay ann tamaki for halloween this year, which is like the 2nd faithful cosplay i've done since going blonde haha. bea kind of counts but not really? i didn't wanna chop my hair or wear a wig so. oops.

november flew. all i had on my mind was darting eyes. we wished there was a more explosive response, but we're still insanely proud of what we achieved. it was cool to see everyone's reactions and have people be really hype about it. i felt proud to see people say it's our best song yet. i think it's up there with some of the sickest shit we've written. i also went back to kevin and caleb's to chill with them for their birthdays and to go see daoboys in baltimore. i would love to make that a yearly trip provided that we're both free that week of november. also i cringe when i think about how i fucked up when i mic grabbed for daoboys BUT it was still an awesome experience and i'm so lucky i can say that i got invited to do that at all.

when december came, i was not feeling festive at all. even on christmas eve, i woke up feeling more normal about it than ever. i've never listened to so little christmas music in my life. it was a really tough month. i missed brawly so badly. but my friends were glad to hang out and do festive shit with me, which helped so much. on christmas, it was just me and my family, no one else, and it was really lovely. it's become one of my top favorite christmases ever.

this year was tough for many reasons most likely obvious, but for a long time i resented being alone with myself. i ran from it as a kid. if i was left out of plans with friends, i would feel sorry for myself instead of dusting my shoulders off and practicing my instruments. and i definitely still did that - but i could have done more, and channeled less negative energy from it. but i ended up doing so much, spontaneously, on my own. and i'm so proud of myself for it. it took time, but i accept what has happened to me and i feel myself ready for a clean slate. i'm definitely just not ready for a relationship yet. i realized yesterday that i'm emotionally unavailable, still. i need more time. getting older sucks but, i'm not too worried about being alone for a little longer at all.

and doing those things alone is totally self care too. speaking of which. I TOOK SO MANY BATHS THIS YEAR. shoutout to my parents' jacuzzi tub. that mf is fam forreal,,,,,, i have a whole set up lmao i throw in a bath bomb, some bubbles, sometimes i grab a mask or some wine, and i throw on anime. it's so therapeutic but one time i got lightheaded from being in there too long so i have to be careful hahaha. i'm grateful to my parents for allowing me to use it so much.

i spent...... so much time with my family and friends this year. i don't remember the last time i have hung this hard with them. our family's bond has taken a completely different shape now that we're all adults, and it's become so much deeper. not only did we go through the breakup together, but losing our cats. i can be a pain in the ass for them all still, which i need to work on, but things are much better now than they have been in the past.

i got so much closer with my bandmates. we hung out way more as best friends, not just to write music and film bits. my lifelong best friends immediately took me under their wing when shit initially hit the fan in april and they haven't let go since. what i went through made me develop an even deeper connection to friends i wished i got to spend more time with. and i just. i had been conditioned to believe for so long that i didn't truly deserve many things, but i no longer have any reason to believe that because of the people who choose to be in my life. i really have such incredible family and friends. i always joke that i didn't ask to be born and shit, but i got the luckiest draw when it comes to the company i have. not that i don't give myself credit for enduring what i had to go through, but i would have been fucked without the support system i have. i am truly so thankful every day.

god i can barely get through finishing this post without crying!!!!

when we went out to dinner recently, my friend asked us what we learned this year. i couldn’t answer because i didn’t even know where to start. i took some time to think about it, and it’s unfortunately a lot. but, here is what i learned in 2023: 

what i thought was love was really attraction, and even comfort. those things are still important in a healthy context, but real love is respect- respecting your partner enough to recognize when you’re hurting them and crossing boundaries repeatedly. and a real apology is not repeating that hurtful behavior. it’s not just words, and it’s not blaming others for your mistakes. it’s action. this goes for friendships, too.

believe the things someone says when they’re livid at you. it’s not that those awful things are true, but they are an accurate reflection of how they feel about you. i am so mad at myself for not seeing this glaring red flag probably upwards of a couple dozen times. I challenged these words and i was still reassured those angry sentiments were meaningless. it all adds up now.

take people at face value. don’t try to prove them wrong about themselves. act as if who they are right now is the way they’ll be forever. that was so fucking hard for me as someone who has always largely believed in people’s propensity to change. my therapist really really tried to drill this into my head when i started seeing her in may. it was tough to follow the first time and it didn’t finally stick until the second time i made the mistake of not listening in september. i had to abandon being a fixer. the second time i was challenged in this way this year, i didn’t so much as try to fix them, but i was praying they weren’t right about the terrible things they were telling me about themselves. i wanted them to prove me wrong. i had to come to terms with the fact that because of their commitment to believing they were no good, and not respecting boundaries, we were not going to work out. i truly believed i could love people into being better. i thought giving grace would inspire them to want more for themselves. it is physically impossible. 

it is so much better to keep your mouth shut about your personal life. as someone who has always been an open book and worn her heart on her sleeve, this has been extremely difficult for me (lmao). firstly, there’s no need to prove yourself to people who are committed to not empathizing with you. not even reacting or telling the objective truth will help, because they will be dead set on denial. it fuels their disdain. second, the reality is, even some (maybe most!) people who care about you will not understand exactly what you’re going through, and how all-encompassing it feels. and it’s not ok to word vomit about your trauma all the time. unless the offer is extended, it’s best to journal everything and use tools like therapy. i am so glad i have songwriting for this. i just had such great cognitive dissonance that i couldn’t even trust myself, and that's why i couldn't shut the fuck up in/on private lmao. i constantly found myself questioning reality and seeking validation. i couldn’t conceive what the fuck was happening to me nor place how i was supposed to feel. i felt tremendous, overwhelming guilt and grief. a part of me died. we all make jokes about gaslighting, but the psychological torment is no joke.

i made a little change where i stopped calling myself stupid and i legitimately felt a small improvement in my mental health. i highly recommend actually speaking kinder to yourself. there are other insults i should stop using towards myself but that alone felt like a positive step in the right direction.

i believed i wasn’t being held back and that it was all in my head, but staying in a place where i was being emotionally and verbally abused was not only worsening my anxiety but my physical health. i went no contact, and i could even breathe better. sleep better. i used to experience acid reflux daily and now it’s on an occasional basis. I am lonely sometimes, and i am still grieving somewhat, but i feel so much better. it’s incredible.

and now i’m so fucking mad that i accepted less than i deserved for so, so long. i am so mad that i held myself back from being truly happy. even being in a better situation mentally for the last decade might have meant i would have been farther along in my goals. now that i understand how fucked my mental health was that entire time, and how it ruined my self-perception, i feel such a well of emotions when staring ahead at the rest of my life. i have no fucking idea what it looks like. in april there was a dark, deep precipice. now, it’s a little less steep, but it’s there. sometimes it’s not. i am fucking terrified of what comes next, but at the same time i wonder how much i can affect by legitimately believing in myself and having zero mental hindrances. what if i can actually will all of my dreams into reality. after what i experienced this year, i feel like i have nothing to lose, now. so if i'm a little delusional in 2024 i'm sorry lmao. i am only this young for so long!!! and i am hellbent on trying to have as incredible of a year as i can. but if it's anything like 2023, without all of the bad, it certainly will be.

[bahamutgames]

AFTERTHOUGHTS - ROUNDUP

Hello, everyone! I’ve beaten a few games recently that I just didn’t have a whole lot to say about. So I figured it’d be better to round them all up into one neat post rather than making big posts for games I’m only gonna talk a little bit about. And since twitter messed up threads uh, yeah we’re doing it here.

I’ve done this before but only once before. I guess let me know if you think doing stuff like this sucks and if I should just give each of these games more time to themselves? Idk.

As always don’t consider these to be reviews, these are just me throwing up my thoughts! If you’re interested in ANY game I talk about, please give them a shot!

Rotund Zero (April 21, 2022) - PC

First up is a game I actually played last year. And technically I didn’t “Beat it” but I did play a good amount of it, and for the time being I’m kinda done with it. Rotund Zero is a VERY fun platformer with about 26 levels where the goal is just to clear as many as you can within a time limit. It’s simple, but there’s a few ways to tackle these 26 levels, and the levels themselves can be really tough. You’re constantly jumping up and down, which also adds a lot of challenge to it. It has tight controls, cute gameboy graphics, and nice music. I’d say the only bad things about it is that some of the levels can be confusing as to what to do? Basically any level with the beaver enemies SUCK lol. But aside from the levels I hated, it’s a good time attack game! If you like hard platformers and time attack stuff, you shouldn’t miss out on Rotund Zero! Plus it’s CHEAP! Totally worth checking out!

Puyopuyo Tetris (February 6, 2014) - Nintendo Switch

First off, I cannot believe this game first launched in 2014. The version I played launched 3 years later in 2017 (for context I try to use the original release date in those dates I list fyi). I actually started my playthrough of this game YEARS ago now, probably back in 2017-2018. But I got totally walled by the Ecolo fights. I only managed to come back and beat them just randomly when my sister asked if we could try the game out (we play vs puzzle games a lot). And after that I put on my big-gamer pants and beat the rest of the story mode! Sadly, this means I basically remember very little of the first half of the game. 

But I will say this about it: it’s ADDICTING AS ALL HELL. I think the story is very good although, as someone not familiar with the Puyo Puyo cast it feels very... het? Or like it’s threatening to be het a lot of the time. But it’s colorful, has a lot of characters, an interesting story in a game that didn’t need one (which I always appreciate), and it’s just fun to play these games. I got totally stuck playing Tetris nonstop that it was affecting my ability to work for a few days lmao. For things I dislike? I think the fusion game mode fucking BLOWS, it’s not fun and barely works imo and they force you to use it a lot. Also Puyo is clearly stronger than Tetris, like Tetris stands no chance against Puyo. Also I think the game should have ended with them destroying the walls between all worlds and every future game adds MORE puzzle games until we have Puyo Puyo x Tetris x Dr. Mario x Panel De Pon ect ect. But other than that yeah it’s a fine game. I want to try the sequel but I feel like it’s gonna be the exact same thing? We’ll see.

Marvel vs Capcom 2 (February 24, 2000) - Dreamcast

Ah, Marvel vs Capcom! I’m not really a big Marvel guy, if I’m being honest. But sometimes when good Marvel stuff comes out I really get into it. There’s only 2 things that really scratch that itch for me and those are Spiderverse (one of my favorite movies ever) and the Marvel vs Capcom Games! (And Super Hero Squad but I haven’t watched that in years). Anyway lately I’ve been in a big MvC mood, I’ve been seeing all those AWESOME MvC3 mods and watching lots of videos on MvC2. And I got fed up with not being able to play it! I own a bootleg copy for Dreamcast but idk where it is, I cannot emulate arcade to save my life, and the game is just generally unavailable everywhere. So there’s only one place to turn... the high seas. My best friend in the whole wide world.

So I finally got to play some MvC2 again! I LOVE this game! It’s so full of love and charm! First off, I don’t think this game gets enough credit from lovers of the Y2K aesthetic. Just the menus are so calming and cool with all the water effects and bright lights. Plus this game has a surprisingly relaxed soundtrack! A lot of the music is very chill in the best way possible. Of course it has drop dead gorgeous sprite art, and I’m always a fan of 2D sprites on 3D backdrops! I actually quite like the stages even though they’re very weird. And of course, the characters are GREAT! My team right now is Venom, Shuma Gorath, and Amingo! Venom and Shuma are my favorite Marvel characters BECAUSE of MvC! And Amingo is a cactus guy so, of course. Hope he can come back in ANYTHING some day! The roster is MASSIVE and it’s honestly impressive there’s so much to choose from including TONS of really weird characters I’ve NEVER heard of like Marrow and Blackheart. It’s great how many odd picks there are.

The gameplay is also great, I feel like I probably still prefer MvC3 but I really need to play this one more to really get the hang of it again cause it’s been YEARS since I played it last. But this was also my first time beating it! I’ve beaten every other game in the series before (even MvC1 cause I had an emulator on my Xbox) except for anything prior to MvC1 I guess. I wish this game had more personalized plots but for the time and with such a big roster I do think the concept of Ruby Heart gathering fighters to fight Abyss is cool and serves its purpose well. I certainly don’t hate it. In fact I think some of the only negative things I can say about this game is just how IMPOSSIBLE it is to play without pirating it. I KNOW pirating games tends to be better anyway, but there’s something nice about playing and owning a real copy. Maybe one day it’ll get rereleased on Steam? Maybe? Please???

Regardless, yes this game is still great and I will absolutely come back and play it more! I wouldn’t mind being better at the Marvel series in general!

God of War (March 22, 2005) - Playstation 2

And here’s a new series I started for the first time this year! I’ve heard absolutely AMAZING things about the series, especially Ragnarok. So I figured it’s time for me to give a shot too, but you know me, I gotta start from the top. I’m honestly surprised I didn’t have more to say about GoW, but it was honestly VERY different from how I was expecting. I actually played the whole game on easy mode cause I’d never played a game like this before but uh... IT’S STRAIGHT UP JUST THE WEREHOG SECTIONS FROM SONIC UNLEASHED!? LIKE, DOWN TO THE TIGHTROPE SECTIONS!?!? IS THIS WHY WEREHOG SONIC HAD STRETCHY ARMS, TO MATCH THE BLADES OF CHAOS!?!?

Anyway, yeah God of War was neat. It’s a VERY brutal game that’s very dark and depressing. But that of course fits with the ton of Greek Mythology very well. And where this dark tone shines is absolutely with the game’s protagonist, Kratos! He’s EASILY the best part. Bad ass design, tragic backstory, a hard ass tough guy but he loves his wife so much and realizes that his struggle for power wasn’t worth it if it meant hurting his family. It’s great. He’s really cool and honestly fits into Greek Mythology pretty perfectly, I’m a little surprised he’s an OC cause he fits really well. The story is simple but good, the game has some cool monster designs (the armored minotaur was GREAT), and it can have some pretty nice looking environments! I do also like that you get so many different tools to deal with bad guys. From different spells and even 2 different weapons! The giant sword and Poseidon's Rage were my go to weapon choices! Probably the aspect of the game that stuck out to me the most though, and this is SUPER random. Is the fact that this game features characters with fully exposed breasts. Like you see them pretty early but there’s important characters with their boobs full on out, and a lot of the enemies are actually doing the same. And obviously Kratos has his nipples out, but I don’t think I’ve EVER seen a game where women do that. And there’s NO jokes about it, it’s just the fashion, it’s taken completely seriously and boobs are treated exactly the same regardless of who has their nipples out in the open. Obviously it’s all greek so of course but it’s COOL! I think more games should have characters with boobs and not make like a point to give them crazy jiggle physics and make jokes about BOOBS LOOK GUYS ITS BOOBS shut up. Boobs are cool and you’re giving boobs a bad name

However, despite all that praise. I honestly was not that crazy about a lot of this game. Like, for starters, the gameplay. So it’s the exact same as Sonic Unleashed’s werehog stages. But I realize now that those are REALLY fun to me because it’s just 1 half of the puzzle. In God of War you ONLY do werehog stages. And the combat is fine but it’s not that exciting to me? A lot of the enemies are REALLY annoying and MASSIVE damage sponges. And while you get a lot of weapons and spells, most of them feel useless? And especially the attacks you learn with the Blades of Chaos. Am I crazy or am I the only one who doesn’t like games where your move inputs look like this: X,X,O,X,O,X,O,O,R2,X,O,X,X,X,X,X,X,X,R1,O,L2. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER THIS!? I’d rather have a small, concise moveset of iconic moves I can instantly recognize, than a MASSIVE list of moves that are completely lost in the fold that I can’t even remember how to use. Then you have SO MANY tight rope sections that are just not fun and annoying. In addition to that, like most of the game is too dark to see anything and a lot of the music isn’t that memorable imo (except for the Cliffs of Madness song I liked that one a lot). The whole game feels like a bit of a chore to get through, but it’s very generous with checkpoints and save points and ultimately it is cool even if I wasn’t SUPER into it. I think this is a series that will only get better as I play the later entries! Time to hook up Playstation Allstars and try Kratos out in that!

Fortnite Battle Pass (July 21, 2017) - PC/Xbox

Okay... I’m a little embarrassed to admit it... I got a little into Fortnite in December and I’ve been playing it since. It’s fun! I tried it way back in 2017 or 2018 and just did not like it and did not get the hype. But recently I had a massive itch to try it again and, well, yeah it clicked! I think the game is a lot more fun now! I ended up getting 2 of my siblings sucked into the game as well, and we all agreed to buy John Cena so we could run around and play as a trio of John Cenas. And I had left over V-Bucks and figured, what the hell? Doom stuff is in the battle pass and I love Doom, so I might as well buy it.

As for the game itself? It’s a ton of fun. I like running around the map, finding resources, getting augments, ect ect. It’s like a Roguelike, which I’m very iffy on. But I LOVE having random equipment on the map and having to adapt to random stuff you find. If that makes sense. But my favorite thing to do? Is DRIVE. Using a car in this game is SO much fun! Getting the Tricked Out and Supercharged Augments so I can just drive through buildings forever, crashing into people, getting my car blown up, doing flips, getting my car blown up. It’s a BLAST and leads to some hilarious moments when I hit someone right after honking at them at top volume. The game has REALLY nice graphics and art style, it’s cute and feels pretty good to play. And has a pretty neat selection of characters, both in terms of its mix of OCs and Pop characters. I do wish there was more stuff I PERSONALLY liked. But like I said earlier, John Cena, Venom, and Doom Slayer are pretty cool. But the second they do Mario or Final Fantasy stuff? It’s over for my wallet. Plus being able to mix assets from characters together can make for fun and cool combos (plus, the goofy emotes). And in addition to that there’s a lot of custom content made by fans? That’s AWESOME! Me and my sister have been having a lot of fun doing prop hunts, ghost hunting, and gathering wood in a medieval castle? Regardless it’s fun and it’s neat fans can make modes.

But yeah, the game isn’t perfect. For more nitpicky things: I think Shotguns are completely busted in this game. Maybe I’m crazy but whenever I use them, they are WORTHLESS! But when an ENEMY uses them, they are ALWAYS a 1-hit KO on me no matter what my health and shields are. Also, I think fall damage is a little extreme in this game, I’ve died just from falling from trees close to the ground at max HP. I also have a big issue with this game that the default skins SUCK. This game desperately needs a custom character creator so I don’t have to play as the boring randomized default characters. But no, the worst part of this game is easily, and you probably guessed it, the microtransaction stuff. V-Bucks are SO expensive and have terrible conversion rates. 1,000 for $8? You can buy barely ANYTHING for that price? $32 for 5,000 sounds like a lot, but at roughly 2000 V-Bucks for any character, that $32 will drain INCREDIBLY fast. I just feel like making this a little less expensive would be VERY appreciated. And in addition to that, you gain exp SO slowly on the battle pass, I know every game does this but still. It’s clear that it’s a tactic to get you to buy levels using, you guessed it, more V-Bucks. By the time I reached level 80 or so, I was gaining exp so slow and I just don’t have to energy to keep grinding to finish the dang thing. I got the Green hellsie I wanted (the green tea girl) and now. I’m happy with it. I think I’m done for the time being. I’ll still play every now and then with my siblings but I am pooped out on grinding that battle pass. Still, the game IS fun! A lot of it, and especially if you go in not planning to spend money like I did (initially) I think you’ll find a great game. But like any microtransaction riddled mess, once money gets involved it really starts to feel like a chore.

Anyway check out my Fortnite OC:

Tightrope Theatre (August 10, 2022) - PC

Last, but not least, is a nifty little platformer called Tightrope Theater! I saw this game was on sale for 99 cents during the winter sale last year, and I just couldn’t pass up a deal like that. So I picked it up and, hey, yeah this game is pretty neat! For positives: let me just start out by saying I ADORE the sprite art in this game! A LOT!! The sprites really evoke a Gameboy Advance feel to me, which is the highest praise I think I can possibly give a game. It’s incredibly charming and cartoony sprites that just look fantastic! The music is also great! Flaming Finale is easily my favorite song in the game. The game clearly had so much love poured into it despite being a small game. And there’s tons of levels too! 140 in total I believe? And there’s even time attacks to keep you coming back to try them over and over again! I didn’t do the time attacks but I did completely each chapter + the 2 bonus ones and I had a great time with it!

As for what I disliked? Well, for starters, this game feels slippery a LOT. I think it’s cause the main character rides a unicycle. SO OFTEN I would land on something and just slide clean off for no reason. Most of my deaths happened that way for sure. Then there’s also bumpers which I found to be REALLY annoying to use properly, and some levels were surprisingly difficult for me to figure out what they wanted me to do. But if I’m being honest even if they ticked me off I think the rest of the game is so much fun and has such high quality that it doesn’t really matter. This game is SERIOUSLY GREAT and I absolutely will be checking out some of their other stuff (I used to play Duke Dashington on Newgrounds a few years back actually!) If you want a small platformer and / or like clowns? Check this game out for sure!

[dearest-bloggu]

A letter for the love of my life.

1st June 2020 is the first time you said you loves me, so I'm deciding 1st February 2023 as our anniversary date this year.

That first time, I was in Temanggung, we were saying our usual nighty byebye routine when you ended yours with "love you😘"

I remember my heart skipped a beat. And not knowing whether you said it for cuteness' sake or for real. Or was it a slipped up. Or whether it was intentional.

Prior to that, we did use pet names, and kisses emoji, but it was never an actual i-love-you said out loud.

As you can guess, of course I dwell on that. It's funny how a simple two-words can seem so jarring in the wake of our denial. But of course that's the simple truth. Love. That's what has been going on between us, since longer than we both willing to admit. Interesting how we dodge and spin and dance around yet when push come to shove, the endearments and attention and declaration bursts out readily as if it was on the tip of our tongue all those time.

I contemplate a lot of things after that. Realizing we might be in love with each other is the easy part. Thinking on what to do forward is tricky. I remember myself thinking about how you said yes to Riri might also because of her pussy, and how us being affectionate really kinda stems from finally fucking? Was it because of my pussy too? I also remember how you said you won't want to start anything unless you're 100% sure, and how I was afraid if I clarified anything, I'll be putting you in a shitty position and things will get awkward.

I knew I fell for you already, back then. I just wasn't sure if you feel the same way, or wanting to act on it even if you do. We still talked about ridiculous few dates I still went to. I shamefully confess that a tiny part of me back then wish you would ask me on a date, again. Wish you would go all dashing and be "forget about those stupid date. How about giving me a chance instead?". To be fair, I would definitely jump you on the spot and that is not appropriate behavior in dating scene, so I forgive you for not doing that wqwq.

Lmao, look how far we've come. Today is our third anniversary. Thanks to your heartfelt hug on the day of your 26th birthday and finally saying I-love-you right to my face (or my shoulder, technicalities). I don't know, was it intentional? Were you ready to pursue romantic relationship with me then? Were you sure? Or it bursts out and you didn't regret it? (Please clarify my curiosity).

Either way, I love you too, so very much.

I'm forever grateful that I could be here, with you, laughing at our fears and worries about relationship back then, cause none of them happened. Our love is as strong as ever, you're as intriguing and attractive and lovely and kind, even more so. The best partner I could've hope for. I don't think I ever dare to wish for someone as perfect as you, yet somehow here we are. We didn't build walls, we build a home. We didn't shy away from intimacy, we embrace it. We are each other's priority and proud of it. Why not? You're worth it. Well worth the wait, the compromises, the distance.

Wow, it's been years and I still feel my love bursting for you. I don't feel many fears anymore actually. I know whatever in the future, I get to experience it with you. I even get to come home to you, soon.

Am never tired of asking, and never tired of hearing an enthusiastic yes.

Andhi Farij, would you do the honor of being the love of my life, forever? YES!

[johannas-motivational-insults]

Jo’s Top 10 of 2020

I see lots of artists doing that thing where they post a piece from each month of the year... unfortunately my content creation isn’t necessarily consistent and it’s hard to track what month individual fic chapters were posted in, but I figured I’d do something similar and post my Top 10 pieces of content I created in 2020, what they’re about and why I love them. I actually did get a fair amount done this year thanks to the lockdown, but I’ve narrowed it down to these ten that I’d like to reflect on. (To be fair, I’m probably forgetting something huge. Feel free to leave comments if you think I passed over something important lol.)

10. Friendship in the Horde (meta): This is something I’d wanted to write for a while but finally got around to finishing in February. It’s basically a sociology paper lmao, an analysis of the social hierarchies and systems of the Horde. It was also a convenient excuse for me to gush about Catralonnie, an underrated (friend)ship. But honestly this was an important piece for me because I have always identified with the Horde characters way more than any of the rebels (other than Adora, who grew up in the Horde) and part of why is how they are in an unsafe environment and end up forming relationships that are helpful for survival but hinder them psychologically. And I think to understand the Horde characters and really evaluate their motives and choices you need to understand this first.

9. The Sting in My Eyes: On the surface this is just a run of the mill hurt/comfort oneshot, but it was a really important post-canon processing fic for me. I had a lot of feelings about Catra’s relationships with Shadow Weaver and Melog in season 5, particularly about how Catra must have felt really conflicted after Shadow Weaver told her what she wanted to hear all those years but in a way that felt unearned and out of the blue. It was really cathartic for me to write a scene where she struggles with those mixed feelings but has Adora and Melog to help her process them. And I had long associated the song the title is from with Catra and Shadow Weaver’s relationship, and the way she died trying to redeem herself really solidified that connection.

8. Hail Mary, chapter 6: This was supposed to be a short chapter mostly about the backstory between Catra and Scorpia in this au, with some Catradora yearning thrown in. It evolved into a massive, sprawling thing that is very atmospheric in terms of how the setting and vibes are described and how in the moment it feels. Hail Mary is like that sometimes but that type of narration is usually about football games rather than parties, so this chapter was a fun change of pace in many ways. It was really nostaglic for me to write too, the nerves of being a teenager at a party with your crush and how intense everything feels. And the Scorptra stuff really is delicious, it was nice seeing them have that conversation they never got to have in canon and truly make up, and the tiny sliver I added of Catra’s earlier history was heartbreaking in the best way. So this was not what I intended to write, but it turned out way better for it.

7. A Better Son or Daughter (AMV): I’ve done other Adora AMVs, but this one is really my iconic piece. The song is perfect for Adora, so perfect it’s on Noelle’s Adora playlist. The vid itself is a character study about Adora’s mental health struggles and the way she represses them, as well as a tribute to her resiliency and her eventual triumph of getting to a better place in her life. This is a song that gives me a lot of feelings and once I was making it about Adora it gave me even more, so this was a very satisfying piece to complete. I wish Noelle had gotten a chance to see it but oh well, maybe down the line.

6. Hail Mary, chapter 12: This is the chapter that much of the fic had been building to, Catra and Adora in conflict because Catra finally got the chance to be Adora’s hero and Adora shot her down. It’s painfully analogous to canon, both in terms of how (I suspect) Catra felt in Thaymor and Adora’s tendency to victim blame because she’s so pragmatic. There’s definitely some tones of Taking Control in there but Lonnie does a much better job of examining Catra’s psychology and needs than Glimmer did in canon (a writing error imo, Glimmer should have had more insight). Adora just wants to help but sometimes in her quest to do so she disenfranchises others, and this was a much needed look at that aspect of her character. It’s also an excellent illustration of what it’s like to play a peacekeeping role in an abusive household and how stressful it is trying to protect others while also protecting yourself.

5. Unstoppable (AMV): This is not my favorite Catra AMV I’ve ever done, but it might be the cleverest. The soundtrack is a song about mental illness masquerading as a song about being a bad bitch, which is basically Catra in a nutshell. The lyrics are incredibly fitting for her and her arc as it develops over seasons 1-4. The vid itself takes a hard turn in the interpretation of the lyrics, going from talking about how no one can stop Catra to how she can’t stop herself because she’s in such a terrible sunk cost fallacy spiral, and I think I got several death threats over that twist lmao. As someone who primarily deals in angst, there’s hardly a better compliment to be paid.

4. Demons, chapter 31: This one got real dark on me. The concept of this chapter was originally an examination of how comparing abuse can get really dicey but you also have to respect that other people have had different experiences from you and you have to be careful not to equate things or make it sound like you’re talking over someone else. I guess it’s also a bit of a look at how autistic people (like myself) will often explain why they can empathize so others know they understand rather than saying empty platitudes, but that can come off as insensitive or like they’re making things about them. I mean, in this case Adora kinda was making things about her, but she was provoked into it by a parade of comments insinuating she didn’t suffer at all, which was also unfair. Anyway it’s one of the more important Catradora fights in Demons and something I’d written bits of over a year prior, it was that important to the plot, but it also took a turn I was not originally planning. I finished the chapter when I was in a really bad depressive and self-loathing spiral and that bled onto the page, but it worked perfectly for Catra in this scenario... that push and pull of feeling like the world has hurt and victimized you mixed with knowing you’ve done some bad things yourself and feeling like you don’t have a leg to stand on when mourning the ways you’ve been hurt. It’s intense as all fuck but it’s excellent.

3. Hail Mary, chapter 11: Speaking of dark Catra content, this chapter... whew. It was really something else, to read and to write. I have written flashbacks in Demons that are more detailed and even include explicit violence but because those scenes are always in flashback form I never really got the chance to sit in the head of an abuse victim waiting for the other shoe to drop for an entire chapter like I did here. It’s quite different from the rest of Hail Mary stylistically and is both highly sensory and extremely internalized. It took me back to some terrifying moments in my own life so it was difficult but also extremely cathartic to write. It’s important too because it really sets up where Catra was at mentally heading into her big fight with Adora, and that chapter is in Adora POV. This chapter is ranked so high simply because it’s... polished, as @malachi-walker put it. It almost is its own story within the story and really noteworthy as a piece all its own.

2. Demons, chapter 26: This chapter is very similar thematically to Hail Mary 12, just based in the canonverse. It deals with one of the core (but highly neglected by fandom) conflicts between Catra and Adora, where they both need to feel like they can take care of and protect the other but also detest feeling weak or vulnerable themselves. It leads to Adora’s ego making Catra feel disrespected and Catra’s behavior confusing Adora and making her think she’s an ungrateful brat rather than someone who needs so badly to be needed, just like her. There’s definitely some power struggles in this chapter but finally they’re able to get to the heart of it and seeing them talk it out is so satisfying. Getting this chapter published was also important to me on a personal level because, like I said, this aspect of their conflict and relationship is rarely acknowleged for how important it is when really it’s one of the deepest conflicts between them in the series. It’s a scene I started writing pretty much as soon I knew I was extending the fic into something longer because I just needed them to have this conversation, so finishing it was so satisfying.

1. Satisfaction, chapter 3: This chapter took me a really long time to write, both in terms of time to get it published and time I actually spent working on it. It’s the crown jewel of a fic that’s really important to me and I had to get it just right, so I spent more time agonizing over every detail and rewriting things to get them absolutely perfect than I usually do (I’m a perfectionist anyway, but this took it to a whole other level). But in the end it was worth it, because this chapter is damn fine. It’s really hot, as you’d expect from a smut fic, but it’s also an excellent character study of how both Catra and Adora were affected by their abuse and trauma and the issues it raises for them in terms of sex and intimacy. Also, come on, we need more BDSM fics out there that focus on the actual point of it all (the trust involved) and promote communication and do the character work to explain why they might be into it in the first place.

BONUS (from December 31, 2019): One of my favorite pieces of 2020 technically came out in 2019, but I posted it on New Years Eve so most people first saw it in 2020. It’s an absolute banger of an AMV called I’m Not Jesus that’s all about Catra and Adora’s anger towards Shadow Weaver and their refusal to forgive their abuser. Funny enough this came out before Adora’s iconic “I will never forgive you” line, and Shadow Weaver definitely made things more complicated with how she went out, but I think the sentiment still applies.