#teamiplier finally had speaking roles lmao

[sweetnestor]

You Look Happier | Chapter 11

university au, teamiplier + jack

platonic/romance/angst/smut(only on ao3)

previous chapter

Despite the “driving lessons” I had done with Mark, I still found myself wide awake the night before the trip. I wouldn’t stop being anxious about it until it was actually happening. In a way, the insomnia was almost beneficial because by the time I had to be awake, I wasn’t even the slightest bit tired.

I got out of bed the second my alarm went off. My mind was buzzing with everything I had to get ready, so for a moment, I wasn’t entirely riddled with anxiety from head to toe. I made sure my clothes were packed, my sweaters were in place, and my bathroom necessities were in order. Then I stuck my head out there door and listened for commotion from my roommate. Once I heard footsteps and movements, I went to the bathroom to do my makeup.

Never thought I would make myself up at four in the morning. There’s a first time for everything, I suppose.

Somehow, I was still wide awake by the time I was ready to go. Jack, on the other hand, was quiet and grumpy for the entire ride to Mark’s house.

When we got there, I noticed an unfamiliar SUV parked in the driveway. Figured it was the rental we all pitched in for. Not long after I parked in front of the house, I saw another car creep up from behind. Tyler, Kathryn, and Ethan. More reasons to unintentionally stay awake all night.

“Morning guys,” Tyler greeted when we all got out of the cars.

We mumbled back a greeting. Jack was clearly sleepy, and I was in a bad mindset as always.

Just then, Mark and Amy came out of the house, rolling their luggage behind them. They both looked exhausted. After exchanging greetings, Mark unlocked the SUV and went to open the back compartment. Then, everyone began to load their luggage.

“You mind taking the first round?” Mark asked me after stowing his suitcase away.

“Not at all,” I replied, sounding unusually upbeat.

He noticed this. “Did you sleep at all?”

“Nope! Can I have the keys?” I smiled, holding my hand out.

Mark put the set in my hands with a look of uncertainty. “You gonna be okay?”

“Yes. No offense, but I look and feel more alive than the rest of you guys.” Fake it til you make it, right? Wide awake, but crying inside.

“You’re the pretty one of the group, so it’s no surprise,” added Ethan, who came up from behind me.

Mark scoffed and mumbled, “I’m prettier,” before going to help Amy with her luggage.

My heart rate accelerated for a split second. I looked at Ethan, wanting to scold him for making such a risky comment.

“Dude,” I said quietly. “We agreed.”

“I’m sorry,” he replied just as softly. Then he gestured for me to follow him off to the side. “I know we’re gonna tell everyone when we come back. But I’m really excited about it, and I don’t know if I’ll make it the whole weekend.”

“You have to,” I warned. “If Mark finds out on this trip and he takes it badly, then we’re stuck with him being angry all weekend.”

“I think he’ll take it well,” Ethan told me with a shrug. “But I’ll wait. I’ll stick to the plan.”

I nodded once. “Good.”

Before either of us could say anything else, someone joined the conversation. I jumped when a hand landed on my shoulder, fearing for a split second that we had been caught. But it was only Jack, who barely batted an eye at my physical reaction.

“We’re all ready to go,” he told us.

I shot one last look at Ethan before going to the vehicle.

I was driving for the first few hours. Mark was the passenger seat. Tyler, Amy, and Jack were in the backseat/middle row. Ethan and Kathryn sat in the very back, the third row. Eight hours with all of them. I took a deep breath and prayed to some higher entity that this would go well.

~

“Hey, can you pull over?” asked Tyler. “I’m feeling sick.”

“Oh, are you?” I replied, turning on the hazard lights and pulling to the side of the road.

It was a good three hours of silent driving. I had my music playing quietly so as not to disturb the sleeping team. The unfamiliar road had kept me distracted, as well as make me think of every Final Destination-related disaster scenario. But for the most part, my nerves weren’t too bothersome.

Once Tyler got out of the car, the rest of the group seemed to come back to life. Jack and Ethan stretched their arms upwards while Kathryn and Amy shifted in their seats.

“I’m getting coffee from the back,” Mark announced. “Anyone want anything?”

“I’ll go with you,” Jack said as he took off his seatbelt.

That prompted for all of us to get out of the car. I opened my door and extended my legs, making my knees pop. It felt good, but now that I wasn’t driving, the lack of sleep was hitting me.

“Baller, you want anything?” called Jack from the back of the car.

Coffee would be good. But if Mark took over and started driving, then coffee would be bad. I also definitely could not fall asleep while someone else was driving, though. I was fucked either way.

I got onto my feet and started to pace, trying to wake myself up. I blinked back the heaviness in my eyes and went to the trunk of the car.

“Water?” I asked, resisting the urge to yawn or rub my eyes.

Jack reached into the mini cooler and pulled out a water bottle. “You okay?”

“I’m on fire,” I replied.

“You want me to take over?” asked Mark.

I shook my head. “I can keep going.”

“You haven’t slept, though.”

“And I won’t until we get there.”

He looked at me for a second. “Yeah, I’m taking the next round. And Tyler’s gonna sit in the front since he’s sick.”

Suddenly, I wished this water was patron. Suddenly, I wanted to teleport to the Grand Canyon so I could fling myself off the edge. Here we fucking go.

“We’re gonna have a rowdy time in the back seat,” Ethan sarcastically said as he placed his hands on my shoulders.

“Yeah, we’re gonna party!” Jack added, bouncing on his feet.

Now everyone was more awake and alive than I was. It was daunting. I was starting to feel the dark storm cloud form above my head. It was getting out of my control.

After a few minutes of stretching and waking up, we all got back in the car. I was in the second row, in the window seat behind the driver. Everything started to feel like it was going in slow motion. I breathed rapidly, but not loudly, through my nose. I tensed visibly when the car started to move. I was also fighting off tears, and my heart was palpitating. I kind of wanted to die.

“Drink your water,” Jack gently reminded me.

I was petrified, though. I was too scared to move. My eyes just stayed glued to the crack between the side of the vehicle and the driver’s headrest, watching the road. Everything sounded muffled, but I did catch Ethan saying something to Jack. Then, I felt a hand go over mine, squeezing gently. I took Jack’s fingers and returned the pressure.

“Should we stop?” asked Mark, who had probably seen the gesture through the mirror.

I lightly shook my head. I didn't want to inconvenience anyone. I drove with Mark one-on-one for this very reason. I had to be capable. I had to control this in whatever way I could.

“What do you need?” Jack asked me.

I sighed heavily, thinking about what was bothering me. The constant sound of the wind hitting the car was particularly stressful.

“My headphones,” I said at last. “I left them in the glove department.”

He reached over and tapped Tyler on the shoulder. Then, he was passing over my black, sleek headphones.

“Anything else?” Jack prompted again.

I shook my head as I plugged the cord into my phone. Finally, I had music to distract me. I decided to make a playlist.

~

My appetite had gone as well. The next stop was at a McDonald’s in Needles, California. It was around ten in the morning by now, and everyone was tired of the granola bars from the back. I, on the other hand, could have lived off of those for the whole weekend. I just had to find my way around every meal.

“Are you getting anything?” asked Ethan when we were inside the establishment.

“Nah, I don’t really eat breakfast,” I replied. “I’m good on just coffee.”

“You sure?” he pressed, his voice slowing down, like he was carefully choosing his words.

He’s tiptoeing. I couldn’t blame him, but it still rubbed me the wrong way. I was perfectly capable.

I rolled my eyes. “I’m fine. I’ll be in the bathroom,” I said coldly before walking off.

As soon as I was alone, a wave of guilt went over me. I sighed and looked in the mirror. Then I distracted myself by touching up my makeup. I dug through my purse for my powder, but quickly grew frustrated and winded up dumping the contents onto the counter between the two sinks. Once I found what I was looking for, I heard one of the toilets flush and out came Amy from a stall. Great.

She didn’t pay any mind until she saw the mess I made. “Oh…”

“Sorry, my bag is an endless void,” I said as I gathered my stuff to one side.

“Relatable.” Amy chuckled as she turned on one sink. “Are you doing okay?”

Here we go again.

“I’m more okay when people don’t ask if I’m okay,” I replied, but then I felt bad. “Sorry, nothing against you. It’s just tiring when people treat you like a time bomb.”

“Gotcha. It’s just… your hands are shaking.”

I hadn’t noticed until she said it. I had to show that I was fine. “They always shake. Comes with the combination of mental illness and caffeine.”

“I thought you didn’t have any coffee, though.”

Shit.

I stayed quiet as I powdered the oily parts of my face.

~

I drove the rest of the way over there, and I chugged a coffee in order to stay awake. While I was jittery and hyperaware of my surroundings and the noise in my brain, my new car anxiety playlist helped diffuse it. Basically, I sang my freaking heart out for the last four hours.

After paying for parking and finding a space, we all went out into the bitter cold. Although, once I was outside, my legs ached with chills. I crossed my arms and joined the group at the trunk, where they were packing their backpacks with snacks and water.

“Forty degrees!” exclaimed Kathryn.

“Shit,” I breathed out.

“You good, Baller?” Jack asked, amused as he put his arm around me.

“Shouldn’t have worn leggings,” I replied, unconsciously huddling into his side.

“I have sweatpants, do you wanna borrow them?” Ethan offered. “You can wear them over your leggings.”

Oh god, he really wants to expose us, doesn’t he?

“Yeah, you’re not going to survive with one layer on your legs,” Mark added.

“I’m getting them,” Ethan concluded as he dug through the trunk for his suitcase.

“Fine,” I sighed.

Jack kept me in his embrace, and neither of us paid any mind until it was brought to attention.

“You guys dating?” Tyler asked as he put bottles of water into his backpack.

“No, we’re just close,” I replied.

“Um, sweetheart,” Jack said, sounding mock offended. “How long more are we going to hide our undying love for each other from our friends?”

I chuckled, but decided to play along. “Okay fine.” I turned to the group and took Jack’s hand. “We’ve eloped. We’re helplessly in love and we have three kids. The secret’s out, my legal name is now Bella Santiago-McLoughlin.”

“Oh, I hadn’t realized you were going to hyphenate,” Jack went on, still not sounding happy.

“Wow, congratulations,” Mark said with a laugh, but he didn’t seem too amused.

“Sweatpants!” announced Ethan, holding the article of clothing in the air. Then he handed them over to me.

I detached from my loving husband and took the pants from my boyfriend. When I put them on, I felt instantly better, from both the warmth and the fact that it was the first time wearing his clothes.

After that, we all ventured towards the Visitor Center, where there was a series of shuttle stops. Shuttles. To take us to various parts of the canyon. Public transportation. With other people. I looked down at my water bottle, hoping I could pull a Jesus and turn it into wine, or something stronger. Obviously, I couldn’t make the whole team walk around everywhere, I had no choice but to get on with them. Somehow I survived.

It wasn’t until after a first stop at one edge did I realize how high we were. We were dropped off at a ledge with very little people. There was a sign that explained some history on this section of the Grand Canyon, and a small barrier.

I pretended to focus on the sign while everyone else went to the fence. Ethan, Kathryn, and Tyler immediately started taking pictures with their phones. Mark, Amy, and Jack were just taking in the view. I took a picture of all of them, their backs to the camera, and posted it on Snapchat. “When you’re too scared to look over the edge.”

I wonder how many people killed themselves here. Okay, edgelord. Come back to earth. And leap over that fence. Oh, fuck off.

By the time I worked up the courage to approach, the boys went further down the area, near some trees. So it was just me, Kathryn, and Amy. I was more focused on the view.

The Grand Canyon looked like a painting. The other end looked like a mural against a giant wall. I couldn’t really comprehend how huge this place was, nor how big the drop was. Somehow, it was less scary that way.

“I feel so small,” Kathryn commented, looking out at the view.

“Let’s take a selfie!” Amy suggested as she pulled out her phone. “I actually bought a selfie stick, and I gotta use it! Over here!”

She led us over to where the fence ended. Concrete turned to stone, and my heart rate spiked. I suddenly slowed my steps, hesitating while my mind got louder.

“Come on,” Kathryn coaxed as she took my wrist. “We’re all shitting our pants here. Let’s do this quickly.”

Amy put her phone on her selfie stick and then put on her sunglasses. “Smile!”

We were facing the sun with the canyon behind us. I shut my eyes, smiled wide, and held onto Kathryn’s arm for dear life. As soon as the picture was taken, we ran away from the edge like a bunch of maniacs.

It was a small thing, and a lot of people had the same fear of heights as I did, but I felt the slightest bit of pride once I had calmed down. I was very far from home, and I stood on the edge of one of the world’s biggest drops. I was experiencing a bad case of nerves, yes, but I hadn’t spiraled into a full blown panic attack. I was okay.

The three of us met up with the four boys in the roundabout. Then we went on another shuttle to a more isolated part of the area. There wasn’t a fence or railing of any kind here, which only made my intrusive thoughts louder.

“Oh, there’s a path we can take back to the Visitor Center,” said Tyler, who was reading a map. “It’s two miles.”

“Let’s go ‘splorin’!” Amy said excitedly.

So we did. We stayed in a group, with Mark and Tyler mostly leading the way. I stayed towards the back, just like at uni. The view was nice, there were red rocks and bluebirds everywhere. I wasn’t as cold anymore, now that I had been moving. My mind was less noisy as long as I didn’t look directly at the canyon.

“Whoa, there’s underground caves we can explore too!” Jack exclaimed. He was reading a pamphlet he got when we first arrived to the national park.

“Yikes,” I said in response.

That was enough for everyone to scrap the idea. Thank god.

Every now and again, we would stop at a particularly exciting ledge. Mark, Tyler, and Jack would stand at the very edge of the cliff for the thrill of it. Again, my mind was at full volume. Please don’t jump off. Or do. That would be fun. Shut up!

It was worse when Ethan decided to join them. He stepped through the mud, over to the wide open terrain. If I reacted, would I end up exposing us? I mean, he was a hair away from life and death, after all. It made sense, right?

“Mark, be careful!” Amy called.

Could I do that?

Ethan quickly turned and got away from the edge after a minute or so. “Nope!”

He was the only one to notice my sigh of relief, and I gave him a look. He responded by quickly squeezing my hand. What I needed was to hug him tight, but that couldn’t happen until later.

~

After the hike, we took another shuttle to one of the restaurants at the park. Now, I was hungry. I was starving, and it hurt. And I was very fucking tired.

Thankfully, it wasn’t busy when we got there. It was still a little too early for dinner. Once we were seated, I looked around for the bathroom. Then I looked for an emergency exit. They were right next to each other, towards the back of the restaurant. The tables surrounding those two doors were empty for now, so I had an easy getaway.

However, as time went on, the vicinity started to fill up. Things slowly started to get more and more hectic, and there was less and less space, making me feel cramped. I started to feel how I did in the car. The tables by the bathroom were getting occupied. Okay, I stood at the edge of a cliff today, yet a crowded restaurant was going to be the thing to break me.

I blacked out through dinner, so surely I didn’t burst into tears and ruin everything. Next thing I knew, we were on a shuttle back to the Visitor Center. I felt like I was a million miles away. I felt pins and needles in my hands and feet. The only time I made a coherent sentence was when I asked if I could drive to the hotel.

It was a shorter ride than I had anticipated. We checked in and got to our rooms, which were coincidentally on the same floor… right next door and across from each other. Jack and I roomed together. Ethan and Tyler were on the room to our left, Kathryn was across from us, and Mark and Amy were on our right. What a happy coincidence.

I knocked out almost as soon as I hit the bed. Being awake for thirty two consecutive hours had finally hit me. It was like my anxiety attack disappeared, and sleep took over.

When I woke up, there was someone next to me. Even in my groggy state, it startled me. I jumped and gasped, only to discover Ethan lying asleep next to me. Or… his eyes were half open, so I couldn’t really tell. I sat up on my elbows, looking at his face in thought. Suddenly, the picture he sent from PAX South made sense. I waved my hand in front of his face, which made him stir.

“Sorry,” I said gently. So he was asleep. Weird.

He groaned as he stretched his limbs, and then he swiftly rolled over and climbed over half my body. He lied his head on my chest and sleepily mumbled, “Titties…”

I chuckled and then quickly scanned the room. The other bed was empty, but I did hear the water running. “Is Jack here?”

“Showering,” Ethan replied, his cheek pressed rather painfully on my breast. Thankfully, he sat up. “I came to see you after we settled in, but you were asleep. So I decided to nap with you. Nap date!”

“Best date ever,” I said as I stroked the side of his face. “Good napping! Where does your roommate think you are?”

“Editing videos in the lobby,” he said, somewhat guilty. “But what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Anyway...” He moved a strand of hair from my face, his eyes trailing down my face. Then, he planted a soft kiss on my lips. “I wanted to do that all day.”

My face heated up at that. And all I wanted to do all day was pass out. What a good girlfriend I am.

Just then, we heard the bathroom door open. Ethan quickly rolled off of me right as Jack came around the corner. He caught wind of the tension though, like he had caught us doing something scandalous.

“Don't worry, I'm on my way out,” he told us as went to his suitcase on his bed.

“You don't have to leave,” I said.

“WiFi’s better in the lobby,” he replied. “I have some stuff to take care of.”

“Cool, have fun!” Ethan exclaimed.

Jack chuckled as he grabbed his laptop and slung his backpack over his shoulder. “All I ask is that you kids stay off my bed! And use protection!”

I groaned and rolled onto my front to hide how red my face had gone.

“Understood, Mr. Bella’s Dad, sir,” Ethan said.

I kept my face hidden until I heard Jack’s laughter go out the door. When I looked up, I found Ethan on his side, looking down at me. I smiled and reached for his hand.

“Thanks for letting me use your sweats today,” I told him. “You’ll never get them back.”

He chuckled. “I figured. Take care of them, they’re super comfortable.”

We hadn’t had a moment like this since Valentine’s Day. Even when we finally had a weekend off, we were still busy and had little time for each other. I knew I wouldn’t be able to relax here, knowing that we could get caught at any moment, but I did enjoy the time alone.

“How many layers are you wearing?” Ethan asked as he took the end of my sweater. “Aren’t you warm?”

He started to unzip me, and it felt a lot more intimate than it should have been. Then, he placed his hand inside my sweater, and leaning in to kiss my jaw. Of course, that all added to the angry bout of nerves tangled in my stomach. I was so anxious it actually hurt my lower abdomen.

Wait…

“Ethan,” I said, tapping his arm.

“Hmm?”

“I have to use the bathroom.”

He leaned back, a confused look on his face. But he let me go anyway. “Okay…”

I got up and dashed off to the small bathroom. Just as I had suspected, Mother Nature left me a present, and it made me groan in annoyance. Mildly embarrassed, I went back to the door and opened it a crack, peering my head out. “Ethan? Can you do me a favor?”

“What do you need?” he called back.

“There’s a bag in my suitcase,” I explained, internally cowering. “It’s black and has cats on it. Can you bring it?”

He did it without question. Surely he would know what was inside the bag just by looking at the design, right? I couldn’t help but feel mildly embarrassed regardless, despite that this was a way to test him. He passed, he didn’t get squeamish or weird when I returned to bed curled up in a fetal position.

“Aww, is someone getting menstrual cramps?” he cooed as he came around to spoon me.

I groaned in response, wanting to sink into the mattress.

“Are you in a lot of pain? Do you need anything?” he asked, more concerned now.

“No,” I mumbled, turning over so I could curl into his chest. I felt really gross and uncomfortable now that the symptoms were kicking in. “I’m fine.”

My phone suddenly dinged, and I debated ignoring it this time. Ethan was stroking my hair and kissing the top of my head, and it was distracting. But it dinged a second time, and it made me turn to reach for it on the bedside table. Fuck, was I glad to read the texts from Jack.

“Idk how crazy you guys are getting, but Tyler’s looking for the blue boi!”

“We’re going up there now! Put your clothes on! :p”

Panic struck my chest. I quickly sat up and told Ethan what was going on, so we acted fast. I mean, I knew we weren’t doing anything of what Jack was poking fun at, but we still didn’t want to get caught cuddling alone on the bed. I had an idea, so I grabbed my skin care products and rushed him into the bathroom.

By the time Jack came back to the room with Tyler on his tail, they found me applying some black goop onto Ethan’s face.

“What are you doing here?” Tyler asked him.

“Face masks,” he replied simply. “Bella brought some stuff. You want in?”

I offered a smile as I evened out the stuff on his face with a brush. I would have put a mask on myself, but I didn’t have enough time to wash off my makeup. I could only hope it didn’t seem inconspicuous.

“No thank you,” Tyler replied. “I was gonna go get food and see if you wanted to come, but uh, I’ll go ask Kathryn.”

“Bring me something!” Ethan called after him as he left the room.

Jack waited until he heard the door shut. “Guys, I don’t like lying!”

“One more day!” I promised.

“Or, we could have told Tyler now and made him not tell anyone,” Ethan suggested.

“You really think he’d keep it from Mark?” Jack asked in disbelief. “He’s more loyal to him. And anyway, I don’t think Mark would really care that you guys are together.”

“That’s what I keep saying!” Ethan gave me a look.

“One more day!” I repeated.

______

next chapter

[sweetnestor]

You Look Happier | Chapter 4

university au, teamiplier + jack

platonic/romance/angst/(smut at one point but it’ll only be on ao3)

previous chapter

One of the things Jack and I had in common was that we were our best selves when it came to making videos. We brought it up during a session with Helena, then she required we do this as a trust exercise. I wasn’t exactly reluctant, but I was nervous about what would come up in the middle of this particular video.

Jack and I sat on the couch in the living room, camera and lights on us. Depending on how this went, this video would be going on YouTube, so we had to treat it as such. It was also going to be viewed by Helena, who was going to go in depth at our next session.

“Hey, it’s Bella!” I greeted. “Today, I’m doing something that a lot of you requested, which is the best friend tag! And as of… last year, my best friend is…”

I gestured to Jack, and he put his arms up in the air.

“It’s me.” He smiled before putting his arms back down. “Y’know we first met around this time last year?”

“Really?” I asked, surprised. “Jesus Christ. Actually, that brings us to the first question: how and when did we meet?”

“Ah, it was a bright and sunny morning,” Jack began, “in nineteen fifty four…”

I giggled. “Yeah, basically. Feels like we’ve been friends for a lifetime. It was last year, first day of the spring semester, Mark introduced us.”

“You were so shy,” Jack said fondly. “Aw, that car ride was-”

“Quiet and anxiety inducing,” I finished with a laugh. “But I thought you were really kind.”

“Aww.”

Next question: what’s your favorite memory together?

We sat there and thought about it. Jack was the first to speak.

“I liked the time we went to The Tube,” he said. “Where we drank a lot and someone had to come pick us up.”

“Oh yeah,” I said. “That was fun. I think I like… that time I was sad and you let me do your makeup.”

I was starting to understand why Helena made us do this. Remembering little moments made me feel a huge rush of affection for Jack. My heart was already swelling.

“Describe each other in one word,” he read off my phone.

We looked at each other in thought. I wasn’t sure what to expect from this prompt. What was I to Jack?

“Welcoming,” I answered, deciding to go first this time. “You always treat people the best you can, and you always try to make everyone comfortable. I don’t know, the energy you give off is always kind and warm. You’re just full of good vibes.”

Jack was smiling ear to ear. “I think Helena was right to make us do this.” He paused and then faced the camera again. “My word for you is passionate. You care so much about everything you do. You’re so passionate about your viewers, LGBTQ rights, mental health, makeup.”

The moment was sinking in. But to keep myself from crying, I read the next question.

“What’s one thing you don’t know about each other? Here we go, it’s time to get deep.”

There was another moment of silent thinking, though I knew what my confession would be. I had thought about it plenty of times, and Jack seemed like the only person I could tell.

“Um, I fart a lot in my sleep,” Jack said jokingly.

I chuckled. “I knew that already.”

“Well, I guess you know everything about me!”

“Okay, well I can’t tell them,” I began, gesturing to the camera, “but I’ll tell you.” I hesitated. “You’re probably not gonna believe me.”

“What is it? Just tell me.”

“Santiago isn’t my real last name.”

Jack was silent at first, looking like he was trying to see right through me. He let out a small laugh in disbelief. “No way.”

“I’m serious,” I told him. “I swear, honest to god. I legally changed my last name to Santiago a little bit after moving out of my parents’ house.”

“So what was your real last name?”

“Sanchez,” I said, and then added, “I just didn’t want to be tied to them anymore. Plus, it’s a super generic Mexican last name, and I didn’t really want to be generic.”

“Yeah, I get it.” Jack nodded. “Wow… Bella Sanchez.”

I chuckled at the sound of it. “She’s dead, I don’t know her.”

The next few questions were just guessing each other’s favorite whatever’s. Those were easy and left plenty of room for banter.

“Three things I always carry with me?”

“Easy. Phone, car keys, and whatever lipstick you’re wearing that day.”

“See? This is the kind of man I need! Okay, what nicknames do we have for each other?”

Jack giggled as he sat up. “Let’s see, you were Bella, then Bellers. Then fuckin’ Baller. Nervous Ball, Tiny Ball.”

“You give good nicknames,” I commented. “I have none for you, though.”

“I have enough for the both of us.” He took my phone and read, “Strengths and weaknesses.”

This was definitely going somewhere else. I should mention that Helena picked out the questions for us. She obviously had specific things she wanted us to bring up.

“Bella Santiago. Strength: sharp eyeliner. Weakness: people,” Jack announced, still joking around.

“Well you’re not wrong,” I said. “Let’s see, for you… I think your strength is… remaining humble. Like, you’ve made it so far, you’ve accomplished so much, and none of it has gone to your head.”

“Aw… can I change my answer?”

“And a weakness…” I paused, actually stumped for once. “Hmm…”

“Confrontation,” he admitted. “That’s a tough one.”

Helena was going to have a grand ol’ session with us, that’s all I knew.

“Last question,” Jack went on as he took my phone, “what do you admire most about each other? Oh, that’s easy. Well, you talked about it on your channel, but uh… you were in a very bad situation when you were, what? Eighteen? And you took the initiative to pack everything up and start a new life. You found a way out, even when you thought you couldn’t. And that’s very admirable.”

I let out a strangled, whiney noise. I wanted to cry at his words. Not knowing what else to do, I hugged Jack from the side in a somewhat silly way. “I love yooouuu!”

When I let him go, I took things seriously again. This was proving to be therapeutic.

“The amount of empathy you have for other people is something else,” I told him. “Like… you really can put yourself in other people’s shoes and you can feel what their feeling. I’ve told you some shit about me and we both ended up crying.”

“Your pain is my pain,” he said. “But I think that’s because we’re friends and we’ve also been in the same situation, with the breakups and all.”

“That’s true. But still. Even in your ‘Try Not to Cringe’ videos, you’re still feeling what the other person is feeling, and you’re trying to understand the situation.”

“I’m just being a decent person!”

“But you do it so well! I don’t know, you’re a good role model.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that.”

I looked at him, then at the camera. “What’s one thing you hate about your best friend? He can’t take a fucking compliment!”

Jack laughed. “Well, neither can you!”

“I know…”

~

That video went up before our next therapy session. Our followers went absolutely wild over it. It was sweet. Made me smile for a little bit.

I did cut out certain parts, though, like my last name reveal. Thankfully, instead of people speculating over it, they made it into a meme instead. Not only that, everyone seemed to like us solely as friends, so I was glad I didn’t have to stress about that anymore. I could see the internet as a safe place again.

Another thing I noticed was my subscriber count. I was dangerously close to one million, and it scared me. It was such a big number. It was intimidating, overwhelming.

I took a screenshot of my live subscriber count and tweeted it out with the caption “lmao.” My heart began to race as my mentions filled with responses. Then one particular notification made my head spin.

CrankGameplays quoted your tweet: “Go subscribe!!”

I wanted to reply in all caps, but I was even more nervous about the backlash. I mean, he brought to attention the fact that we knew each other. That, and he told his followers to subscribe to my channel. Strange, a gamer promoting a beauty guru. Not the first time it’s happened, but it was still bizarre.

“Ahh!!” I yelled out when the number on my screen rose dramatically.

Jack was currently in the shower, so he wasn’t here to talk me down from my oncoming anxiety attack. He did scream back in response, though. It was starting to become a regular occurrence within the apartment.

999,028. I wanted to shit my pants, and I tweeted about it. 999,057. I wanted to throw up. 999,102. Jack finally joined the show.

“Did I miss it?” he asked excitedly as he barged into my room. “Did you hit it yet? Man, I should have brought party poppers or something!”

“Almost there!” I told him, anxiously picking at my nails.

Jack came over and sat next to me on the bed. He pulled out his phone and opened up Twitter. Not long after that, I had another notification of another quoted tweet. The live count rose rapidly right then, and I began flailing my hands around hysterically.

“Ahh, what the fuck?” I exclaimed.

999,921. I opened up Snapchat. I recorded the screen and let out a stressful noise. Jack screamed along with me as the number got higher.

I nearly burst into tears when it got to one million. Jack jumped onto the bed and cheered. I quickly tweeted out a thank you in caps lock, my hands shaking from all the excitement.

“WTF THE FCUK IM NT CRYIGNG YOU AR E TE AMO ❤💓💖💗💘💙💚💛💜💝🖤💕💞”

Suddenly, Jack tackled me in a side hug, nearly knocking me off the bed. “I’m so proud of you, Bellers.”

I couldn’t help but think that I literally could have been dead in this moment. I could have been dead for almost six months, and I wouldn’t have been here to see this. Life is wild.

~

Later that night, I was able to see Ethan. I did have to pick him up at the office, though… and I had to park somewhere down the road. I felt like a stalker fangirl, waiting for my YouTube crush to come out of the building so I could kidnap him.

Ugh, crush. I felt like I was sixteen, stricken with lovesick emotions. My chest was constantly warm, and my stomach was always full of butterflies. I had Cupid’s arrow in my ass, and now I couldn’t see anything except the hearts circling my head, and the guy who gave me all these gross, mushy feelings.

Those feelings intensified when I spotted him leaving the building. Just seeing Ethan a distance away made me grin like an idiot. He spotted my car and walked over, holding a balloon in his hand. When he got closer to the car, I looked towards the building, just to make sure that none of his friends/coworkers had followed him. It was short, but I didn’t see anything. I turned my attention back to Ethan when he got in the car.

“Hey,” he greeted, “I got you this.”

He struggled slightly to pull in the single purple balloon. It only made my heart sing more.

“What for?” I asked.

“‘Cause you hit a milestone today,” he told me.

I blushed. Thank god he couldn’t see me in the dark. “That’s sweet.”

Ethan pushed the thing into the backseat before I drove off. Today, we decided to go up to Hollywood Hills. It was better for us to go at night because there were far less people, and neither of us were busy at this hour. I had to have him navigate though, because neither of us had been up there before. Thankfully, we got there without any extra difficulty, aside from the usual traffic.

It was quite a walk up to where we wanted to go. There was a specific view we wanted to find, and honestly, I was not a hiker. But this was mainly Ethan’s idea, and I was willing to do whatever he wanted, despite the underlying bout of nerves.

“Is this high enough?” he asked when we reached a certain landing.

I looked out at the view. It was all black with many dots of light. I wasn’t one for heights, but since the elevation was blocked out by the darkness, it wasn’t as scary. The stars in the sky were covered by the busy, neverending lights of the city. My legs were sore, and I was out of breath, so I nodded in response and went to sit on a nearby rock.

“How long have you lived out here?” he asked me as he walked around the cliff.

Uh oh. Interrogation time.

“Two, almost three years,” I replied.

“Oh, you’ve probably seen a lot of the city, haven’t you?” he guessed.

I chuckled, and rubbed my hands together nervously. “If you count my skill of handling traffic from driving so much, then yes.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah, I don’t really get out much.” I could tell this was going to bring on an awkward pause, so I quickly added, “but what about you? Are you liking it here so far?”

“Yeah, absolutely,” he said. “I, uh, I miss my family a lot, though. It still feels weird being so far away.”

“Aw, I know,” I said, even though I really didn’t. “You get used to it. At least you really get to value the time you do spend with them.” Again, I didn’t know the feeling, I just heard that from other people.

“Oh yeah, I loved this last Christmas,” Ethan said, pacing around some more. “Did you get to see your family over the holidays?”

Oh god, why did he ask that? I couldn’t stop the awkward tension from arising.

“No.”

Before I could explain further, Ethan stopped in his tracks and interjected, “Oh! You mentioned at homecoming… uh, I’m sorry, we don’t have to talk about that.”

“It’s okay,” I reassured. Although, I did cringe at the mention of homecoming. I had to give him the gist of my family thing. He had to get an idea of all the emotional baggage I carried. “I have been living on my own for…” I counted on my fingers. “Six or seven years. My parents didn’t exactly like the idea of their daughter being bi, so as as soon as I turned eighteen, I left and started fresh.”

Ethan took a minute to process all of that. I could tell I made things awkward with that bit of information. There go my chances.

“Oh, I didn’t know that was the case,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

I waved it off, as always. “It was years ago, it’s no big deal.”

He nodded and continued pacing. “Were you scared when you first moved?”

I was grateful for the subject change. “Absolutely. I cried a lot when I moved out of my parents’ house, and I cried more when I moved here.” I paused. “Are you… how have you been since you moved?”

Ethan hesitated. “I don’t know how to put it. I miss my family, but I’ve also been so busy that I don’t really feel it all the time. And I miss my friends too… But YouTube is all I’ve wanted to do, and everything is taking off, so I shouldn’t be sad, right?”

“You can be sad,” I reassured. “Like, you’re far from your hometown and all your friends, it only makes sense. And chasing your dreams comes with a lot of sacrifices.”

“Yeah…” he hummed.

I was eighty percent sure I said it to him at homecoming, but I was thinking about it again: how lucky was he to have a family so good to him that he’s genuinely upset to be far away from them. I didn’t really envy him for it, though. I could see why he was feeling like this.

“D-Do you need a hug… or something?” I mumbled, but he caught it anyway.

A little smile began to etch on his face. I half meant it as a joke, but as soon as it was in the air, that was all I wanted to do. The look on Ethan’s face said the same thing, and he opened his arms.

It should have been a quick, jokey-joke hug. But as soon as I was wrapped up in his arms, I didn’t want to let go. I was supposed to be comforting him, but I felt so light and warm. His hand went down to my lower back, which sent intense feelings of heat and electricity throughout my body. I felt weirdly comfortable, and that was so rare.

Then, a bright, blinding light shone on us.

_______

next chapter