#tbh this is just me writing through grief so don't @ me

[amethystina]

Anonymous raccoon here once again escaping from my garbage can. I’m really glad to hear that your former stepdad is out of the hospital and I’m sorry to hear that your aunt is in the hospital :( Wishing her a speedy recovery. You’ve definitely been getting put through the wringer both through life issues and health issues and I’m wishing that you have a moment to yourself to breathe. Taking things slowly is soooo important and I’m glad you’ve been reading at least! One of the best ways to wind down I feel like lol.

And man, in terms of the therapist I feel you. I’ve struggled with therapists due to already having done so much gah damn reading previously and learning so many strategies etc. But you’re right - you’re the patient and it’s his job to figure things out! Even if you’re possibly a trickier patient. So I hope that you find a therapist (or that this one) crunches some thoughts in his brain and finds maybe a completely different way to approach things. I’m of the opinion that there is no defined way to do therapy and sometimes it’s necessary to go a lil off the rails and off the books. Wishing you luck and sending good vibes your way in hope things are only uphill (positively) from now.

Thank you so much 💜 My aunt is being very tight-lipped about her condition, unfortunately, so at the moment it's a case of "no news is good news." I'm assuming she's doing better because I haven't heard that she's died, basically.

Taking things slow is very important, yes, and I wish I could do it more than I am right now, but the truth is that things have been unravelling for the past year and it's all coming to a head. I haven't really discussed this openly before (because I get very defensive about certain aspects of my private life) but, to make a very long story short, my wife got sick last summer which left me to take care of practically everything within the household for about six months. And I do mean everything.

Which is another reason why I've been so tired. We have a very big house and I was already burnt out and exhausted, but suddenly had to singlehandedly make sure we didn't starve or the house fell apart. And this is on top of deaths and illnesses and worrying about my wife and various stresses at work, yes. It was rough. And honestly pushed me closer to a complete breakdown than I have ever been in my entire life — which, considering the life I've had, is saying something.

So, all things considered, I'm kind of surprised I'm even functional at this point?

My wife is doing a lot better now, thankfully, but I still have to do the majority of the household chores that involve physical exertion. And, after much agonising and deliberation, I had to put on my big girl pants and talk to my wife about selling the house because I simply can't take care of it on my own. It's too much work for one person, especially considering how easily exhausted I am. And even if we love this house, we both agreed that it's the best course of action. And, while we're at it, we're going to be moving into separate apartments because it's become more and more apparent that I need more space and alone time. I want to live on my own again.

We're going to stay married, though! And probably spend a lot of time together. We're just not going to live together.

And, unsurprisingly, all of this is taking up a lot of energy and space inside my head right now. There's a lot to do in terms of the house and getting it sold, then finding apartments for us both, and getting ready to move. I'm optimistic and think this will be an improvement to my energy levels in the long run, but there's still a lot left to do before I can reap any of the benefits.

So I won't be able to take things slow for the foreseeable future, unfortunately 😅

Anyhow. My therapist has already told me that he doesn't think he can contribute all that much to how I'm dealing with my stresses and issues because I already have so many strategies in place. It took three appointments. Which is almost a new record! But only almost.

I don't hold that against him, though (and he did tell me to reach out again if things got too overwhelming) but yeah. I'm an incredibly difficult client and I think I unsettle a lot of therapists because I understand myself so well already and they're not used to that. They get confused when they don't have to hold my hand all the time and I can reach my own conclusions, often in between appointments. And I look fine, you know? And can express myself so eloquently and thoroughly, so surely my problems aren't bothering me that much? Surely I've got this covered?

Or at least that's what they tell me.

My therapist did thank me for being so interesting to talk to, though? He said it was fun and fascinating to talk to someone so perceptive, introspective, and wise. So that's a compliment, I guess? He's by no means a bad therapist, I want to point out, but it's clear that he's used to working with people who need more simple and direct guidance. So definitely not the best fit for me. But, if nothing else, I got an opportunity to voice all the thoughts currently whirling around inside my brain and could get validation from an outside source. Which is something?

But yeah. No more therapist appointments for me, apparently, and a lot of my attention is going to have to go to selling the house and moving. Though I suspect the moving won't happen for another six months or so, at the earliest. But we'll see.

Thank you so much for checking in again 💜 It feels a bit like I just keep piling on more and more tragedies and crises every time someone asks me how I'm doing, but that's just my life right now I guess? And, as mentioned, it sometimes takes a while before I'm actually comfortable or willing to mention some of them out loud. I'm, uh, a little too adept at shouldering burdens in silence. So this has actually been going on in the background for months already, I just haven't wanted to talk about it until now.

But yeah. In case you wanted another reason as to why I haven't been able to write as much lately, there you have it. Life's just been really difficult this past year.

But here's to hoping that things will get better once the house is sold and I can move into my own apartment? And hopefully get more peace and quiet? And just focus on taking care of myself for once?

I want to stay positive.

Thank you again and please take care 💜

[abbotsanatomy]

Jack x reader

Possessive & Protective Jack. Reader is the hospital social worker. Jack finds out a grieving family member has been stalking and harassing reader.!

⨳ (I’LL BE WATCHING YOU)

pairing: jack abbot x social worker!reader warnings: age gap (28, and 49), depictions of stalking, grief, child death, epilepsy (seizures), verbal assault, physical assault. author's note: this was a rough one to write tbh! hope u like! title’s totally inspired by ‘every breath you take,’ i love double meanings lol

“Good morning!” you greet, strolling into the ER break room.

You set aside the coffees you bought for everyone. It's your turn to bring everyone their fix tonight. They're nothing fancy, as can be expected from someone who earns almost half of what everyone else around here does.

You pick one of the brown coffee cups up from the paper cupholder on the counter, “Or, Y'know. Good night?”

“Live-saver!” one of the second-year residents yells. She's quick to grab one of the coffees, too.

The few people in the break room do the same, thanking you along the way. They slowly filter out, presumably going to tell everyone the break room's stocked up again so they can get their own before it's all gone.

It's just you and Dana Evans in the small room now. She's never been one for rushing home the moment her shift's over. She always lingers, you feel like you might know her even better than the night shift's charge nurse. The affinity you have for her can also be attributed, in huge part, to the fact that the veteran charge nurse reminds you of Dr.Abbot.

“Hey, kid. I heard what happened yesterday,” she starts. “Are you good?”

Wow. Word gets around much quicker than you expected. What happened yesterday should've been less than a blip on someone like Dana's radar.

The situation in question was just a grieving parent who'd said some pretty nasty things to you. He was in shock. You understand. You have to; it's your job.

His anger was justified. You were partially responsible for him missing his kid's last few moments. The memories kept you up all day.

The girl was barely two. When they came in, she was having an epileptic seizure that wouldn't go away. Upon further investigation, the doctors, with a neuro consult, told her father there was a surgery that could reduce her seizures. He'd heard about it before, but he was skeptical.

Apparently, having had his seizing daughter in his arms, unable to do anything but wait for an ambulance changed his mind.

There was one minor problem, though. Before they could get his daughter prepped for surgery, the hospital needed his insurance documents. She was stable; this wasn't emergency surgery. So the financial aspect was, unfortunately, a priority.

“Her mother's out of town. It's just me. I can't leave her alone,” he'd told you.

“Well, she still needs to be monitored for a while. And I understand you want the surgery immediately,” you'd reasoned with him. “Maybe you can make it home and back quickly, before she wakes up.”

He was hesitant at first, but you were determined. You'd help where you can.

“I'll be with her the whole time. I promise. Our doctors will do the best they can to make sure she's comfortable and safe.”

Safe. What a stupid word to use. She wasn't safe when he came back. She was dead.

She'd had another seizure minutes after he left. The entire medical team tried their best, you know that. You were there, holding her hand through it all. Begging her to stay strong for her dad.

When he came back, he was held back by security as he shouted all kinds of evil truths at you.

“You bitch.”

“You all killed her.”

“I could've been here if it wasn't for you!”

It was all true.

His words have replayed in your mind ever since. So, no, you aren't good. But there's nothing a charge nurse you're sure has been through worse can do about it, so you won't tell her.

“Mhm, I'm fine. Don't worry about me,” you lie, straight to her face.

You have a feeling she doesn't believe you, but she's also smart enough to recognize when someone doesn't want to talk about something. So, she drops it.

“Alright. Be kind to yourself, okay? Take some time off if you need it,” she advises, and you trust her judgement. It isn't like you'll listen to her, though.

“Okay. I'll try.”

Dana walks out of the break room, but not before giving you a long hug. On a good day, you'd be soaring with happiness. Today, it makes you feel just slightly better.

You're mid-sip when your favorite attending walks in. Jack looks shocked to see you. He'd given you the exact same advice Dana just did. You'd obviously not taken it.

He walks towards the counter you're leaning against. You feel like he's about to tell you off. He just stands there for a long moment. Then, he's searching your face for something. A sign of distress, maybe?

He doesn't find whatever it is he's looking for. You smile at how ridiculous this staring habit of his is.

“Are you good?” he parrots Dana.

Your brows crease, “Have you and Nurse Evans been talking about me?”

Jack looks confused.

“I'm fine. I'm great, even. Okay?” you demand.

He nods, but it's very hesitant.

“I have a shrink. I'm seeing her after work. You don't have to worry about me,” you reiterate.

Everything he could say was said yesterday. He reassured you for thirty minutes after, brought you water and food in between patients. There's nothing more he can say right now.

He just grabs one of the coffees you brought, “Thank you.”

His tone's a little too sincere for what this is. You'll take it.

You both exit the break room and part ways to get on with your shifts. His eyes are front and center in your mind the entire time, especially when you need some comfort.

You've been on edge lately. You're flinching at things you aren't supposed to. You close your curtains whenever you're home alone. You just can't shake this feeling that you're being watched.

The 90$-an-hour therapist you visit once a month says it's a symptom of your PTSD. That's of no consequence, because the anxiety feels as real as can be. Your nerves are fried all the time.

You need a break. There's one person in particular you want to spend your time off with. He's been invited to your apartment for dinner tonight. Thankfully, Jack hasn’t embarrassed you by rejecting your invitation.

He's just texted you that he's on his way now. You're in the kitchen with your cooking playlist playing in the background. It's the kind of mellow moment you haven't experienced in weeks. You're bringing the wooden mixing spoon up to your mouth to get a taste, when the moment's rudely interrupted.

Someone's pulling you back, with their arm tightly wrapped around your throat. This isn't psychosis, paranoia, or PTSD. This is real.

You try to hit back with the spoon in your hand, but it quickly clatters to the floor, splattering soup everywhere.

Your next line of defense is clawing your way out. Literally. You scratch and pull away at the stranger's arm. It's minimally effective. You're trying to scream out for help, too. It barely comes out as a squeak.

Your vision's getting blurry, when you feel someone tackle the intruder, bringing them to the floor. You can hear an altercation happening on your floor, right next to where you're coughing up a storm, just trying to catch your breath again.

Someone's landing more than a few punches, in the distance. The sound becomes much less distressing when you realize it's Jack who has the upper hand in this fight. His eyes lack the tenderness they usually have when you’re staring back at them.

“Jack...” you croak out, trying to pull him out of it.

He stops, pulling the guy under him up by the collar. That's when you realize it's the same grieving man who was shouting at you in the middle of the PTMC’s emergency room, less than a week ago.

Jack slams him against your kitchen wall, his arm pinning the man in place by the throat. On the floor, beside you, is a set of pictures. They must've fallen from the man’s pocket mid-brawl. They're all of you. At your therapist's office. At home. At work.

He's been watching you, following you. The realization fills you with dread.

You pull your phone out and dial 911 immediately.

“Are you okay?” Jack asks, his eyes still set on the man in front of him.

“Yes, I'm fine. Be gentle,” you tell him.

He shakes his head subtly. He'd be smiling a little too, if he wasn't so angry at the man in front of him. Of course, you'd want him to be gentle with the man who was about to kill you. You've always seen the best in everyone.

He can’t ever deny you a thing, so he's as gentle as he can be, with how furious he is right now.

“911, what's your emergency?” you hear on the other end.

Jack takes care of it all. Tells the officers what happened, shows them the pictures, escorts them out. All you could manage for now was a few hums in agreement to the questions the officers asked you.

Once they left, Jack came to sit beside you on the couch. Now, he’s been staring at your neck intensely. You can tell he wants to take a look.

“Do you mind?”

“Nope,” you answer, pulling your hair to the side.

His fingers are gentle on your neck, as they graze the bruise forming there.

His voice is tight, like he's still barely containing his anger, “It looks alright. It'll just be slightly bruised.”

You nod, “Thank you. For everything.”

Your hand finds his, interlocking your fingers. He brings your joined hands up to his mouth, to place a chaste kiss onto the back of your hand. You grin, and finally look up from the spot on your carpet you’d been staring at.

There's a cut on his cheek, still bleeding. You bring your other hand to rest on his cheek, pressing your mouth to the skin beside the cut.

“Let me take care of that for you,” you offer.

It's almost like he didn't even hear you, though. “You probably shouldn't go to work tomorrow.”

You nod in agreement, “Yeah, probably.

“Can you stay?” you propose, barely louder than a whisper.

You're asking because it'd make you feel safer. He can tell. He agrees, immediately.

You pull your hand away to go grab the first aid kit in your bathroom cabinet. You're also rehearsing how you're going to convince him to sleep in your bed with you, instead of the couch. He ends up being very easy to convince.

[starmapz]

SPREAD THE LOVE AMONG FANFIC WRITERS 💖Who are your favorite authors? And what are your favorite/most read fics? Send it to five people so we can spread admiration and love among the community!

there are SO many amazing writers on here so i've almost certainly missed someone but here are the blogs (and fics) that i frequent the most! also trying to make this list a bit different from my sukuna recs but i just have to mention some of these twice. please respect all the authors' rules and check warnings <33

@fushitoru - aashi writes the most BEAUTIFUL regency era aus and i highly recommend checking out both knight!choso and bridgerton!gojo, and i'm always going back to her spiderman!gojo as well i'm so down bad for him tbh (the spotify scene in the oneshot has my entire heart)

@lostfracturess - nici's professor!gojo and professor!geto made me go through every stage of grief (in the best way possible), there's so much emotion in her writing and i'm in envy of the way the stories interconnect with one another, it's sooo well-done!!

@celestie0 - i'm so down bad for ellie's ihm!gojo he's peak husband material fr and the world she's created for him and reader is so beautiful and well-done. kickoff is also the very first gojo fic i ever read and inspired me to post my writing <33

@yenayaps - sienna's sukuna is seriously so delicious i fear i drool on my screen at the sight of new chapters of defiance and i will never stop yapping about sorcerer!sukuna who i need carnally

@indiewritesxoxo - indie's band rivalry fic between sukuna and geto literally has me swapping who i'm rooting for constantly because indie writes them both too hot 😩 not to mention her pick your player series is sooooo fun!! youtuber!nanami i will always love you

@cinnamorollcrybaby - i will never stop preaching cinna's best friends to lovers series, especially sukuna's and suguru's, i seriously adore all of them and highly recommend checking them all out!! her subtle dom!nanami is also one of the hottest things i've ever read and criminal!sukuna from a therapist's perspective is SO interesting

@obsesssedblerd - the amount of times i've re-read reyna's nanami smut should be criminal, it's so hot and i think about it constantly. her toji x preschool teacher!reader is sooo cute, nothing makes me happier than toji in super domestic settings 🥹

@cuntyji - kash just started a med student sukugo x reader fic that has such a hold on me i can't even begin to describe how often i'm thinking about this. unscripted is also one of my all-time fave toji fics, soft!toji has my whole entire heart

@satoruxx - wolf hybrid!toji has my entire heart and i just want happiness for him 😭 what a sweetheart, seriously. the subtle ways rheya writes him warming up to the reader make me want to wrap him up in a blanket and keep him safe forever

@retiredteabag - the saga of me wanting toji to live a happy life of domesticity continues, dogsitter!toji just wrapped up and i adored every second of it. i just want this man to have a happy ending so bad. their arranged marriage au with nanami is also seriously one of the sweetest fics ever and i look forward to every single update <33

@screampied - vegas' entire blog is a goldmine of incredibly hot work but i always find myself revisiting boxer!toji & boxer!kuna and i don't think venomized!toji has left my mind since reading it, i never could have known how badly i needed him in my life

@madamechrissy - stripclub owner!sukuna my BELOVED. we all know i love a man that's so down bad and only has eyes for one person and chrissy does that dynamic SO WELL here, i adore this story SO much <33 i'm also anxiously awaiting pornstar!gojo from chrissy, i just KNOW i'm gonna absolutely eat that up

@emphistic - i'm just gonna leave em's entire historical au masterlist here bc everything here seriously deserves a read, but i'm a huge fan of veni, vidi, vici in particular, gladiator!sukuna works so well and my god he's hot

@peppertoastuniverse - more than a late night snack is one of the absolute cutest and sweetest gojo fics ever, pep has written such a fun dynamic between gojo and reader that has me absolutely itching to see them slowly both lower their walls.

@webism - just gonna leave abby's masterlist here bc her pornstar au for all the men is DELICIOUS. like, pornstar!sukuna has me wrapped around his finger like you wouldn't believe. she also has an incredibly cool and well-done interactive gojo fic that i HIGHLY recommend giving multiple plays to try out the other options

@kamiversee - my love note has me constantly changing who i'm rooting for, the way both gojo and choso are written is seriously masterful, they're both SO hot like who gave them both the right

@peachsayshi - one of my all-time fave oneshots has gotta be million dollar baby, i go back and read it every few months and every time is as good as the last, it's such a gorgeous piece and i'm addicted to the dynamic between geto and reader

@pseudowho - behind the wall (nanami) and behind the wall (higuruma) are both SO unique and i absolutely ate up both of them. haitch's series in which nanami's wife briefly becomes a cat is so funny and adorable and i love just how serious nanami is about his wife being included 😭

last but not least- a deactivated blog i once followed created one of my fave nanami pieces and gojo pieces with super unique characterization of both and they're both absolutely gorgeous. as far as i can find, they're not on ao3, but i really do think these pieces deserve the love.

if you check out my wattpad, ao3, or search my blog for '#trish recs - (insert character name)' [check the tags of this post], there are way more recs there as well and i highly recommend checking them all out <33 lots of love to all of these authors!

lots of love to all these wonderful authors 🫶

[katiascraft]

✐ᝰ "You knew all too well i was right where you left me" | CL16 ࣪𓏲ּ ᥫ᭡ ₊

parings: retired!charles leclerc x writer!ex!reader

series summary: It’s the story of a woman frozen in the moment her world fell apart. A perfect dinner ended with, “I met someone else,” and while everyone moved on, she remained stuck in that instant, unable to let go of the past. A poignant tale of heartbreak, grief, and the weight of being trapped in a “forever” that never was.

🔎 chapter one: “love is short but forgetting is so long”

🔎 chapter two: “did the love affair mail you too?”

🔎 chapter three: “you kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath”

chapter four: “help, I’m still at the restaurant” -> chapter five

‼️ best friends in this chapter: nikola (nik) , dorothy (dottie) and beatrice (betty). They all know each other from Oxford University where the four of them studied creative writing.

word count: +5,1k.

BLOG MASTERLIST - series masterlist

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agostinabff: hope you have a lovely week off mon amour!! You deserve it. We love you 💘

↳ yourusername: thank u for being the best part of my life 💌

y/nstan: omg GIRL we are the same person wtf 😭

user4: who is he and where can i find him to KILL HIM?????

nikolabff: is my air bnb recommendation good enough ????? (That looks disgusting, uber eats exists darling)

nikolabff: can't wait for tomorrow!! London should be scared of us 😈

nikolabff: did dorothy call you? She isn't answering my calls

↳ yourusername: babes!!!! Aaaaaa i'm so excited. I just ended call with dottie. She arrived safe and well, i missed you guys so much 😭 did betty text you?

↳ nikolabff: tbh she didn't but you know how she is. can't wait to see you all tomorrow!!

arthurleclerc: hey y/n i know this may be weird but just wanted to say, i read your book and it is amazing! my brother was an idiot you know? you are an amazimg person im sure you'll find someone who loves you deeply (if you didn't already. maybe you did) okay, i don't bother you any longer. hope we can meet again someday!

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

⋆˚࿔ a week ago 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

“There'll be happiness after you, but there was happiness because of you. Both of these things can be true. There is happiness, past the blood and bruise, past the curses and cries. Beyond the terror in the nightfall haunted by the look in my eyes that would've loved you for a lifetime and leave it all behind. Tell me, when did your winning smile begin to look like a smirk? When did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt? I hope she'll be a beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you. No, I didn't mean that. Sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury. You haven't met the new me yet” you read that piece out loud from your personal journal to your therapist. She stayed silent for a while. You looked over at her knowing you skipped some parts but what you read in the end sank in.

“I think there’s a lot to discuss from just that single piece you wrote. But I wanna ask you something before anything else: do you really believe there will be happiness after him?” your therapist made you a question that felt like daggers pinching you that resulted in leaving you breathless for a few seconds. you loved and hated therapy for this reason. There were things you couldn’t question by yourself  because you never thought about it and things you didn’t know how to answer like this one.  

“I wish I could say yes. But i don't think i’ve been happy since he left” saying that out loud hurt yourself even more. It was not something easy to admit and accept.  But it was the truth. You have never felt really happy since then. 

She nodded, writing down in her notebook “but do you believe you can be happy without him? Why is he still so important or has so much space in your life that you can't be happy if he isn’t there? Why were you happy when he was with you?” as always, too many questions with so few answers. You felt exhausted, frustrated by the fact you didn't know what to think about it all. 

“I'm sure I want to be happy, I can't live like this anymore. I'm tired” you assured her and  yourself. You took a few seconds to think and she respected that. “I guess if I want to then I can, right? I mean, I talk to my friends and all of them tell me time and time again ‘don't let what happened define you’ and I try but I don't know why it is really hard for me” you explained looking at the floor. 

“And what’s that definition of yourself?”

“That i'm not worthy of love i guess. that there will always be someone better than me, more attractive, more lovable, more interesting. I can't be the one, for anyone” admitting it felt like an elephant stepped on you and you just died in the act. Your therapist, Maria, nodded looking at you. 

“Well, but in what you wrote you tell this woman he left you for, that you hope she is a fool like you, right?” she intervened. You nodded. “What can you tell me about it?”

You looked at your hands a bit sweaty. “I really don’t know. I mean her existence made me compare myself to her. She is so different. It made me feel all of those things I said before. And maybe i blamed her existence because if she didn't existed then, charles would still be here” 

“You think so?” 

“I guess, yeah” you looked at her. She wrote down more stuff on that notebook you were so intrigued by. 

“So, for you, there doesn't exist the possibility that maybe he just stopped loving you? Like even if she existed or not - could be any other woman or could be no one at all. Would it hurt more if he just stopped loving you?” you felt your brain make a 180 turn on itself. 

“I don’t know. Maybe, yeah, I mean. I Think it’s easier to blame someone then not have an explanation for it” your therapist nodded. 

“So,  why would she occupy your same place then? If you are different from each other, why would she be just like you? As a replacement it seems and at the same time who’s at fault for all of this situation and insecurities. And before you answer, I think we can connect that to what happened between your dad and mom, right?” she saw your face so confused she knew this was gonna be the end of the session so you could think about it during the next two weeks. “You told me you discovered your dad cheated on your mom. So all you ever dreamed was to find someone who would be better than him, to prove yourself that that isn’t your destiny, just like your mom. And then Charles left you for this other girl. And everything you built up in your mind to try to believe in love and to escape from the reality you had to live through, then it crumbled down in that instant. Leaving you feeling like there was no way you could be worthy of love, because you tried but Charles did exactly what your dad did to your mother. And since then you couldn’t date anyone else. This is a theory, I'm not saying it is what it is of course. But it seems that if they didn't exist then you wouldn’t be this hurt and maybe forgive charles,as you said when you wrote ‘and leave it all behind’ just like your mom did with your dad”

Her words echoed in your head for a while. The knot in your throat intensified. “Charles was my everything just like my parents were. And after what happened, with Charles and my dad, I guess I let that define me. I wanted to show myself that the love i’ve seen in books and movies existed, not like in my house. I wanted to make things right. In a way, to mend what hurt me the most. The betrayal of my dad. So I put Charles under that pressure and maybe that made things the way they went down. I don’t know to be honest. I don’t know why I want alexandra to be like me. Maybe that’s another way of convincing myself I'm not the only fool in this mess.”

“I don’t think you are a fool. Relationships are complicated and the reason he decided to leave could be based on a million reasons, and even in that situation. Maybe any of them are because of you or who you are as a person. People are complex and most times messy. Feelings aren’t easy to control or understand” she explained to you. “So, coming back to this new encounter you had with him, how did you feel about it?” 

“It felt weird, very uncomfortable to be around him. But at the same time a force drove me closer to him. I wanted to be closer. Ask him everything and at the same time punch him. He felt the same to be honest. Just like the previous day he left, when everything was alright.” you pulled a face you didn't know how to describe at that moment.  

“And you felt the same?”

“No i think, i didn’t” she nodded and half smiled at my answer. 

“Then, what’s the new you he didn’t meet?” 

“Who i am now i guess”

“And who are you?” her question made you realize you didn’t know how to answer that question yet. You knew you were different, because you felt different although stuck dealing with the aftermath of that relationship. She noticed your silence (because she knew all too well you didn’t know how to answer it) and smiled gently.

“Alright, y/N. Let’s leave it here and continue next session, okay? See you in two weeks”

Who the fuck were you now? 

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Mornings at your balcony were your favorite moment during the day. Your coffee was warm and comforting on a grey and windy day. You were covered in clothes and blankets. You needed that moment anyway. You wouldn’t let the winter win. You watched your neighbor cleaning his living room. He had his window opened so you could see a bit of what he was doing. However, you didn't see him very well because you didn't have your glasses on so it’s a bit blurry. You thought there was someone else with him. Probably a girl.but you weren’t that interested.the only thing you hated about your balcony was the fact that the view was partially blocked by that damn house up the hill. 

After a while, you took your stuff and went into your house again. You felt warmer instantly. You left the blankets on the coach and washed up what you used to have for breakfast a few minutes ago. You had to pack as soon as possible. On saturday, you travel to london to see your college friends and also because your friend franco, another formula one driver you met by chance at a college party, it was his birthday party. You wanted that week to be a good one. Be a week you genuinely enjoy and just be happy.

But after everything that happened the last month around Charles, it was really difficult. Your therapist was a really good help of course. But you hated not knowing how to handle all of these feelings you didn’t understand and that paralyze you. 

You only had one phrase in your head: ‘no one teaches you what to do when a good man hurts you’.

You couldn’t think of Charles as a bad man, or person or anything. Yes, he was stupid. And he destroyed your self esteem. And your trust. And yes, you still were kind of stuck in that restaurant. But you also had some kind of responsibility. And that also troubled you a lot. 

Your self esteem shouldn’t be defined by anyone else but you. What do you think about yourself? Who are you? That was your fault. You didn’t know how that would affect destiny for him to leave you but well, it is what it is yet. You kind of thought that maybe it’s the price you had to pay for putting him in a role he didn't want to be in. maybe you were too much. Too intense. Too dependent. He only wanted someone to talk and have fun with. But you wanted a good husband at 18, and a good father, and the one who would take away your pain and fix your traumas. 

Maybe he wasn’t the only one who hurt someone, but you also hurt him in some way.

Ten years in, and you still couldn’t explain what happened. What did you do or not do for him to stop loving you? Or perhaps you can actually stop loving someone but you didn't experience it yet. 

You sighed, reaching your travelling suitcase from on top of your closet. You almost fell so you had to grab a chair from your kitchen. You loved travelling but packing was a nightmare (also, because you couldn’t decide which outfits were good so you had to take two suitcases and pay extra everytime. Not that you didn't have the money and it was a problem. But you knew it was an unnecessary spend). 

That’s when you remembered how it was like to travel with charles. And you hated yourself for remembering his stupid laugh so cute it made your heart melt every time. Would he still laugh like that? Maybe it was best not to know it. 

If you were younger and he came back, you’d probably forgive him and leave it all behind just to be happy with him. But now, you wanted to leave everything behind: him, his family, the memories, the feelings, the hurt. And maybe that is what changed.

That was the new you.

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Your laugh was so liberating. Your hair was free in the wind. He was driving through the Monaco coast. It was finally summer break and you decided to have a picnic at the beach. His hand on your tight. David Guetta on the radio. You were singing along without a care in the world. 

Your fingers brushed his hand making him look at you through his sun glasses in a beautiful cute smile. 

“You look gorgeous, cherie” you saw his lips pronounce those words in slow motion, feeling your every fiber get wild inside you. Your smile was so big and your cheeks pink. He could melt forever just to see you this happy. You wanted to freeze those moments with him and live in them forever.

“I love you, Charles,” you said so warmly and softly. It was your romance movie playing over and over again. That’s how you felt. But when he heard you say those words, his face turned serious. Almost pulled a face of disgust. For some reason you got so scared you wanted to jump out of the car to save your life. 

You wanted to save your life. 

He noticed you wanted to escape so he tightened his grip on you tightly, hurting you but he wasn’t letting you go away. 

“Charles, let go of me” you said almost in a whisper. Your breath was fast. You needed to jump. You started fighting so he would let you go.

“Stop, cherie. We’re gonna have our happily ever after, isn’t that what you wanted?” he said, trying to drive and grab you at the same time. You started crying not knowing what to answer. The anxiety took over you.

“You said you loved me cherie, you can’t go now” he was crying and let go of the steering wheel. You got desperate seeing the car had no control and you were at the Monaco cliffs.

“Charles! CHARLES!” you screamed from the top of your lungs as you watched both of you exiting the driveway into nowhere. All the sea around you. Slow motion Charles looked at you with a huge smile. 

“Happily ever after baby” he said and you looked horrorized. But when you were about to scream again as if that would change anything.

Everything went black. 

You woke up drowning in cold sweat and tears. Your heart was beating too fast for your liking. The feeling you had in that moment of pure confusion was scared to death. For a moment you didn’t know if you were alive or dead. Your room was pitch black so it kinda felt like you died. But you were thinking and you thought there was no way you could think when dead, so you were alive. 

After a few seconds of paralysis, you react and turn on your light from your bed table. You took a deep breath and scrubbed your face to wake yourself up. Your face was wet still from your tears. The moment you were conscious again you felt defeated. It was the third time in the night you were having this kind of nightmares, now three days in a row. You laid back again in bed for a moment.frustration was all over your face. You were so tired of living like this. Yet, you didn’t know how to stop. You grabbed your phone to see what time it was. It showed 5:46 am. You snarled, hating your brain more than anything in the world. 

You got up from bed and went straight to the bathroom to wash your face. You knew all too well you couldn’t be able to fall asleep again nor you wanted to. It has been a terrible night already. So you let your brain win once again. 

You went downstairs to your studio where it was warm. Sun isn't out yet, so here you’ll be warmer. If not, you probably would have chosen the balcony as always. Or the restaurant, although you haven't come back to it since the last encounter with charles. You just didn’t want to go back there ever again. Just like the time he left. 

You sat on your chair at your desk. Eyes tired. You opened your journal. You didn’t remember writing so much like in the past week or so. But you had so many thoughts to write sometimes it got difficult for you to function properly. You just had to stay at home writing non-stop. Not only your upcoming book but your feelings. After the dream you had, a lot must be processed. 

I know I'm probably better off on my own than loving a man who didn't know what he had. And I see the permanent damage he did to me. 

Never again. 

I just wish I could forget when it was magic. 

But I also just wish you could’ve been a better man.  

You sighed reading your words again on paper. You felt worried about yourself. Like, maybe you were broken and couldn’t ever be fixed. You were scared that you wouldn’t be able to fix yourself back up again. Or even thinking that maybe you were born broken so how could you fix yourself then? You were scared there was no way out of this pain, agony, self hatred, nightmare you have lived these past years… or your whole life. You dreamed about being in love again with someone so different from charles yet maybe who makes you feel the same high. Or maybe higher erasing every trace of him or memory of your dad. Now lines were blurry. You didn’t want to think about your dad, not only because he was gone and you couldn’t do anything about it, but because it felt weird linking him in some way to charles, but if your therapist said so, maybe you were more troubled than you thought. 

Would there be a good guy? Do they even exist? You guessed you’ve never met one of them yet. 

I hold onto this pride because, these days, it's all I have. And I gave you my best, and we both know you can't say the same. 

Were you writing about him? Or about your dad?

You stared at the wall thinking about the answer that never came around. 

Just like the both of them did when it came to you. 

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

It was 10 am in the morning already. You didn’t sleep a bit. You’ve been in a zoom meeting since 8. Talks about the movie in the making were held. Casting started so they sent you a few ones they think are perfect for the roles so you have to watch them after the meeting. Also, they go through the aesthetic and changes they will make from the book, and that’s why this meeting has been so long. They needed to discuss everything with you to make sure you agreed. They wanted to be respectful with your work and you appreciate it very much. It made you feel important. In other news, they thought that taylor swift could make the soundtrack for the movie and you got very excited about it. You loved Taylor's songwriting and believed (and were almost sure) she would make the perfect song for the movie. 

It was gonna be a long day ahead, full of work and watching hours of footage from castings. But it was for your dream. You still couldn’t believe you had your book be a movie in the making. It still feels surreal. 

Then you remembered charles’ ex followed you and liked your posts. And you were mad at him again. You were sure (no doubts at all for real), she didn't know who you were. Because he kept you buried like you were sin. 

A part of you wanted to believe he did it because he knew he fucked up and didn’t want people to judge him for his lack of sympathy towards his last lover. But at the same time you just found it cruel behavior with no reason at all to do that. You kinda felt dirty as if you were bad. Very bad. Banned from his life. 

You shook your head, getting yourself back to the present time and starting working again. Your lack of rest doesn't help in getting distracted with thought every minute but you were doing the best you could. Plus, work helps you not to think about anything else. And that’s good. 

You really needed a break from thinking. 

⋆˚࿔ finally the london trip arrived 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

yourusername made a post

liked by nikolabff, beatricebff, francolapinto, landonorris and 678,435 others

yourusername: first few days back in london = first few days of happiness ❤️‍🩹

tagged: @nikolabff , @beatricebff , @dorothybff and @francolapinto

view more comments

user345: girl is happy we are happy

user3: omg such QUEENS

↳ francolapinto: i guess ur not talking about me

↳ user3: oh im so talking about you too

↳ francolapinto: 🤨

nikolebff: the girls girled

dorothybff: happy looks very hot on you darling 🫦

beatricebff: can you kiss already??????

↳ yourusername: no ❤️

nikolabff: gossip so good bro was giggling and kicking his feet

↳ francolapinto: it was indeed

↳ alexalbon: better bring that gossip to the paddok asap

↳ yourusername: it's CONFIDENTIAL

↳ alexalbon: booooooo ur so boring

↳ oscarpiastri: i wanna be part of this group please

↳ nikolabff: yes you can sir

↳ francolapinto: i thought no one else was allowed

↳ nikolabff: stfu 🩷

User231: i love this crossover of y/n and formula 1 drivers. I would've never expected it tbh

↳ franstan: same!!! I love it!! Didn't know she was friends with franco

↳ user354: i think they met a few years ago, y/n was asked about it on insta questions and she said they met randomly at a college party

↳ franstan: interesting

User1: girl!!! You look so good omg

francolapinto: te amo amiga so happy to see you happy ❤️‍🩹

↳ yourusername: te amo tambien ❤️‍🩹

↳ user778: EXCUSE YOU ???????

↳ franstan7: OMG OMG OMG

user4: WHAT IS HAPPENING ?

user324: so no one is gonna talk about lando world champion fucking norris being on the likes ????? 🤨🤨🤨🤨

↳ landostan: that was what i was thinking

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

⋆˚࿔ finally the london trip arrived 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Laughter was all over the place as well as a lot of bottles of alcohol with names you haven’t seen in your life. It was finally Saturday night, which meant it was Franco's birthday celebration. And because it was his birthday of course all the decorations were argentina flags everywhere and boca junior club t-shirts for everyone, including you. As you got to his house you were given one at the door to wear it. Fortunately, for you it didn’t ruin your outfit and I could say it looked great on you. Or well, that’s what franco said to you while preparing you a drink you haven’t ever tried before. He said it was called fernet with coke. You were already a bit drunk because you were drinking vodka with the girls while getting ready. You didn’t like vodka that much but after everything that happened in your life, you kinda felt the urge to drown in vodka or tequila. Mi gente latino music was playing non-stop. You knew Franco loved duki and bizarrap, and they were actually at the party. You couldn’t talk to them yet. So everything was a bit crazy even if you weren’t that many people. He was just a close friend to franco. So i guess it was like 60 people. Way too many people to be honest but for a famous 2 times world champion it was really a small amount of people so it was super intimate. 

“There you go, hermosa” he said, handing you the glass full of black liquid. You looked at it a bit worried in a funny way and grabbed it. He let out a cute laugh. “Try it, you’re gonna like it, i promise” he encouraged you. He couldn’t resist the view of you with that boca juniors on. Probably, the combination of you and that was his heaven made on earth. He was really down for you, since it felt like forever. Probably since that night at that party back 6 years ago or so. You always have a different light that anyone can match. and that’s what he liked most about you along with your authenticity. You were so unique to him. He looked at you biting his lip a little trying not to be so obvious. 

You tried the drink looking into his eyes. You were really close  but you felt really comfortable. Your friends have left you alone with him the minute he came forward to  you, of course. They really believed you could work out with him. And after vodka and long talks about it with them, maybe you would give it a try. But it scared you, you didn’t want to use him as a friend. So it was a risky situation in your opinion. Although, you could see he liked you for a long time now. And you found him funny and really attractive in your opinion. You give it a few more sips to taste it fully. “Oh I think I like it,” you said, giving him a funny smile. 

“I told you. I’m the best fernet preparer in this whole country… and also, I did it with love just for you” he said, making you laugh and blush after the last sentence he said. 

“I’m sure it’s the love you put in it” you gave it another sip looking at him. His face turned red and let out such a cute giggle. Alcohol was making you melt for your best friend? We guess so.

He got closer grabbing your waist and planted a sweet kiss on your cheek making you nervous as you never felt for a long time. However, it felt weird. Maybe as if this shouldn’t be happening. 

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Franco’s house was enormous. The party was being held at the gallery near his garden. It was cold but the lights and the people stuck to each other made it warmer. You were with your girls again dancing to bad bunny and los del espacio songs. You didn’t understand a word because Spanish was definitely not your talent. You tried to learn because of Franco, and he tried to teach you, but failed every time. You did learn a few words anyway but speaking fluidly was something you won’t ever do. Or that’s what you thought about it. It was your third fernet. You didn’t know it was so good. Also it could make you so drunk. And you were way too drunk by now but you never felt so happy. You were laughing about anything and everything. Dancing without a care in the world. Enjoying being surrounded by your friends. Charles wasn’t on your mind nor any trace of him or his family or the history behind you two. Memories have faded away, washed by the alcohol in your veins. You didn’t remember having so much fun since forever. Your girls were right. Life was so much more than Charles, you were so much more than what you were with him. And all of this you have it because of you and you alone. In that moment you felt liberated. Free from the curse it was put on you. Free of judgment. Free of insecurities. Until you saw that damn mullet and when it turned around you felt kind of speechless. Your eyes locked in that man you didn’t know but he was so hypnotic. You couldn’t stop looking at him. 

“Girl! Close your mouth, you're drooling! Is it for franco, huh?” Nikola joked when she saw you like that, making you laugh while shaking your head. 

“No it isn’t girls, is that guy over there i don’t  know who he is but he is so beautiful” you said pointing your finger in his direction unconsciously. Because when you looked at him again he was looking at you straight in the eyes. You almost freaked out and ran away from there. His fucking smile. What the hell is happening to you? Your friends looked over at him as well with no simulation at all. The four of you were pretty obvious. And that’s when another guy turned around to see where his mate was looking over with that face. Nikola almost fell to the floor.

She turned around freaked out, making all of you stop looking at them so weird. Alcohol makes you behave so embarrassing for your liking. 

“Holy shit girls, it’s oscar fucking piastri and lando norris” her eyes were leaving her face for a bit. You grabbed her arms still confused. You didn’t know them but you heard nik talking about that oscar a few times. Betty and Dottie looked over at them again but they were gone. 

“Okay they are gone nik” dottie said. Betty took a sip from her drink. You wanted to say something but you felt someone grab your waist from behind and kiss your head.

“Hello ladies” of course it had to be franco. You smiled nervously looking at your friends. One of your hands placed over Franco's arms not wanting him to let go. You liked it. Or that’s what you drowned in alcohol though about it. 

“Hello mister, i guess we will grab more drinks at the bar, goodbye bye byeee” Betty said, taking her two girls with her leaving you alone with franco. You laughed and resigned. Nik gave franco a warning sign ‘im watching you’ making franco laugh too. And they disappeared through the people dancing and talking. 

He kissed your cheek letting you go a bit so you could turn around to face him. “Hey handsome, where have you been? Are you having fun?” you said surrounding his neck with your arms and he did the same around your waist. He nodded in a smile. 

“Now that I'm back with you, I'm really having fun,” he said cheeky.

“Oh shut up” you said rolling your eyes funny because of his flirty side. 

“Hey, I'm telling the truth. I was with my school friends though ,they came from home” he told you and made you smile while stroking the curls on his head gently. Your fingers in his hair sent shivers down his spine. He couldn’t stop looking at your lips and you noticed. But you liked it so you let him. 

“I’m happy you’re enjoying your night fran. You deserve all of this love, world champion” you said sweetly looking at his eyes so shiny and deep green right now. Your words made him melt. 

And there were you, the girl who can win over the man known for being the most professional at flirting. You always win with him. He is so down bad for you he felt stupid. You were so beautiful in his eyes. So amazing. He hated Charles so much. He even celebrated when he retired. They couldn't even pretend to like each other and actually it was one of the most famous feuds between drivers in the history of the sport. Franco just couldn’t comment anything positive about charles. Even if he tried he just couldn’t. The most infamous moment was when Charles won his first championship and he was asked about it. He said he didn’t want to comment about it because he had nothing to comment about. So franco started to be known as the guy who was nice to everyone except for charles leclerc. And it was hilarious to see because no one knew why. And the why was always you. 

Franco wanted to have you and couldn’t. Charles had left you alone and destroyed another woman. How could he? Franco took that as an insult. You were an amazing woman. The most amazing woman he has ever met and that asshole did that to you. He just couldn’t stand him. Breathing the same air as Charles was unbearable for him. 

All of these thoughts rambling around and neither of you didn’t realize you were kissing already. Your lips melting into each other in the sweetest and softest kiss you have ever had. Even better than any kiss Charles could have given you before. You hated yourself for comparing every guy in your life with Charles, but you couldn’t help it. But this felt different. It was sweet but at the same time it felt so wrong. 

But you couldn’t stop. 

And you didn’t want to.

⋆˚࿔ TO BE CONTINUED 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

chapter fiver: here.

author's note: things are getting complicated around here!!!

tag list: : @a-beaverhausen , @priniya , @annaluna12 , @thehoplessromanticclub , @emryb , @hadids-world , @kaztheemyth , @freyathehuntress , @diorbrxtz , @theseerbetweenus , @sie17136 , @leila-030304 , @charlesgirl16 , @ricciardosheart , @weekendlusting

[nalyra-dreaming]

I feel like I’m going crazy because I keep on seeing people fantasy cast actors in their 30s for Marius and I just assumed he would be aged up since our main vamps were. Why is everyone seeing him as looking the same age as Lestat? I just think a lot of the story would fall flat if he appears to be mid 30s or even mid 40s. This goes for his mentor-relationship with Lestat, but more so for his relationship with Armand. What are your thoughts?

Also, I have a Lestat query. Second season made me Armand obsessed but when I first saw season 1, I was initially intrigued by Lestat. When I first watched season one I had not yet read the books. I read through TVA in between seasons. So when season 1 episode 5 happened, I didn’t feel any certain way. I chalked it up to gothic storytelling. Having now read the books and getting a better idea for who Lestat is, I can now understand why people were/still are very upset by it. But I’ve even seen non book readers extremely upset by it, which I can understand to a degree. It’s pretty atrocious what he does. But it seems to have made non book readers hate hate hate Lestat to a degree that is rather unfortunate. It seemed in season two the writing was trying to soften it a bit with his, what I felt was heartfelt apology during the trial and their reunion scene. But it’s been clear to me there is a large contingent of fans who still LOATHE him, point blank. I’ve always seen this show as an ensemble piece, but it’s clear Lestat will take center stage next season. Do you think the writers will succeed in getting people to appreciate Lestat and want to hear his story and sympathize with him or did episode 5 do more damage than intended to how his character will be perceived going forward?

I don't think the writers need to "get" people to like Lestat - I think Lestat is liked plenty already. :)

There is just this very loud but actually not that large subset of the fandom (believe me, once you block a bunch you realize just how few they actually are!) who are applying their morality olympics to this character because of 1x05, and who refuse to follow the shifts in the tale - of which we had some, and of which there will be more.

That's, ultimately, gonna be their problem.

The show follows the books. The shift to Lestat was always set to come.

Season 3 will be make or break for a lot of the old fans still around I think. Because it's not only Lestat who is "not Anne's Lestat", by Sam's own words - we'll also have the introduction of Gabrielle and Marius (likely) as well as Akasha (also likely I think) next season, and those characters will need to land.

Episode 5 did damage the fandom and the story - it brought in elements for an arc that is in Rolin's head imho, namely the Amel awakening arc already, thereby, due to the way they did it, destroying some of the arcs in the books - and THAT will have repercussions through all that follows.

Because there are arcs in the books. Arcs of self-acceptance, and mourning, and grief.

I know there's this huge discussion on Twitter rn re show!Claudia not having to die - and you know? They're right! Show!Claudia would not have needed to die - her fate was not as inevitable as her book counterpart's was. And yes, of course one can point and say: "Claudia had to die because Michele died, and that is why IWTV exists and why she had to die in the books"... but ... and in order to fix why she had to die, he went and chipped at other arcs/relationships, here most notably Louis/Armand and Louis/Lestat - and Lestat/Armand.

The relationships will never be the ones in the books because of those changes.

Nonetheless - they are doing the books. In their own way.

And - to get back to your initial comment :) - even in the books Marius was older than 30 :))

I do hope that both Gabrielle and Marius will be over 50, tbh. The Dark Gift rejuvenates, yes, but not that much, and the actors do have to be older than Lestat :))

In fact, I could easily see the casting for those three (Gabrielle, Marius and Akasha) being the reason for the delay in filming... because, as said - these three HAVE to hit.

But, given Rolin's hand at casting... I'm actually not too worried :)

[fangsyouverymuch01]

Just friends

Summery: The hero of Baldur's Gate greatest battlefield is now drunkenly returning home from the tavern because your connection to the arcane world is dying, and it has been for months. Adding to it, is your unresolved feelings from a certain vampire you've sworn to forget.

Rolan and Lia, aiding you in your search for answers, are determined to divert your mind from troubles. Unbeknownst to you, this night is destined to change everything.

Pairing: Astarion x f!tav, Astarion x f!reader , Rolan x reader

Warnings: Fightning, sort of depressed reader, drinking, Astarion being a prick

Tags: Slow burn, friends to lovers

Note: This took way too long to write, and tbh I'm scared to publish it. Had a hard time coming up with a plot that would make sense (and yes this is the underdark/menzoberranzan fic)

Nevertheless, hope you enjoy and stick around for more parts in the future.

In front of you is an array of literature varying from books, scrolls and notes. Just like yesterday and the day before that. Picking up yet another scroll and unrolling it, the words painted on it turns into a blur. Arcane symbols dance before your eyes but the contents of the page escapes your fleeting mind and it drifts to past memories of Moonrise Towers. 

“...And all I had to do was not fall for you… Which is where my nice, simple plan fell apart,” he pauses, searching for the right words to continue. “You’re incredible. You deserve something real. I want us to be something real.”

Stunned by his confession, your own voice momentarily failed you. The Elf spoke again, revealing a truth that cut through your heart like a blade.“Being close to someone - any kind of intimacy - was something I performed to lure people back for him.”

Astarion further explains his train of thought, you could see his mouth moving but not a word reached your ears. Sadness, confusion, happiness and anger; the emotions mixed and collided within you. Was your relationship built on lies? Had you somehow forced him to sleep with you? It was all so much.

“I don't know how else to be with someone, No matter how much I’d like to.” 

You’d decided to remain just friends, and it had felt like the right choice. Liberating even, seeing Asterion grow into a person no longer controlled by fear. But now, you wallowed in selfishness due to your aching heart. Now it is the thing that keeps you from focusing on the task ahead. Now it is the thing keeping your from nights embrace, your body twisting and turning when the moon shone through the curtains. Now it is the numb feeling whilst faceless men sing your name between your legs. The decision, made with the intention of preserving your friendship, now felt as liberating as a chain strung to your neck. 

Moreover, you haven't seen him in weeks -  or could it be months? The passage of time blurs and certainly eludes you. Yet, effortlessly, his image flits into your head - bouncy white curls, piercing crimson eyes, a sharp nose and that godsdamn smirk. Interchangeable in your memory - forever young - he remains a vivid specter that refuses to fade.

Breaking your train of thought, there is a tap on your shoulder, a figure crouching over you to peer at the discoveries revealed in the scroll. 

“Found anything of interest?” Rolan spoke, eyeing you from above. 

“Ehm no, just lost in thought.” you replied, attempting to shake off the lingering memories that had clouded your focus. 

“Well, neither have I.” he puffed out a breath of air, “My best bet is to return to the House of Grief for more answers so I could study the mirror you spoke off.”

“I’m not sure they’d warmly welcome me back after my latest visit.” you let out a strained chuckle, struck by a memory of  Viconas lifeless person as Shadowhearts struck the merciless final blow to her chest. 

Since your time in the House of Grief, your bond with magic has slowly dwindled. The once-familiar currents of arcane energy now seemed distant. Magic had been an extension of you, and its absence felt akin to a cruel mutilation and you were desperate to feel magic coursing through your veins once more. Your desperation had led you here - Sorcerous Sundries, for any clue or hope that you might become whole again.

"Anyhow, have you heard from Gale yet?" you inquired, seeking a distraction from your thoughts.

"He deemed Waterdeep fruitless in our search and should be arranging plans to continue in Neverwinter as we speak," Rolan replied, his eyes pacing the floorboards beneath him. "Maybe we should pause our search for today; the sun is setting, and you, my friend, are in desperate need of a drink." His suggestion hung in the air, a respite offered amidst your futile search for answers. 

You had no energy to protest, you truly wanted to go, you really did. But what you needed was to dive into the mountains of untouched texts sprawled in a ring in front of you. 

Lazily tracing the arcane figures, partly lost in deliberation you answer “Thank you for the offer but I shouldn’t, you go and I’ll stay here.”

"Come on, just one drink. It won't solve all our problems, but it might provide a momentary escape," he insisted, recognizing the heaviness in your gaze. "We can resume our search tomorrow with clearer minds. Trust me, it's what you need right now."

A defeated sign escapes your lips “Fine, one drink but no more than that”. 

Laying a victorious touch on your arm, the tiefling grinned, "That's the spirit!" Helping you up, he proceeded, "The Elf Song in an hour; I need to run something by Lia first." With determined steps, he led you away from your search for answers in the pile of books. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The warm light emanating from the Elfsongs' painted windows cast a glow over your figure as you linger outside the bustling door. The sound of laughter and clinking glasses weave together, that should beckon you inside but it doesn't. Nothing seems to pique your interest these days. The hero of Baldurs Gate was but a mere shell of what bards sang about and the thought of being recognized, of eyes filled with anticipation that lingers for extraordinary tales to be told - you can't stand it. 

Adding to your dread, are the invasive questions about your companions - about Astarion. Head spinning and lips slowly drooping to frown, you instinctively recoil from the entrance. 

With a heavy sigh, you reach into your bag, fingers wrapping around a familiar flask. The cool metal brings a small comfort, and in contrast your throat burns as you gulp down liquid courage. 

Stealing yourself against the prying questions and the weight of everyone's expectations, you push open the tavern door, stepping into the warm embrace of the tavern, where Rolan and Lia await, immersed in their own stories. You offer them a weak smile as you approach the booth. 

“There you are, I almost thought you wouldn’t show but I’m glad to be proven wrong.”

“Come, sit!” Lia urges, patting the cushion beside her. As you settle into the booth, you can't help but notice the curious eyes around you.

Gods no.

Instinctively, your finger twirls and you mutter a spell to cast disguise self, only to be reminded of your uselessness. A tinge of frustration tightens your jaw, quickly masked by a forced smile. You divert your gaze, hoping to shield yourself from the unwanted attention. 

“What’s your poison for today?” Lia asks, a mischievous smile spreading from cheek to cheek. Her breath smells of alcohol; Lia and Rolan had clearly begun drinking ahead of you. Not that you could judge them, having indulged in your trusted flask outside the tavern minutes ago. 

“I’ll have what you’ve had.”

“Coming right up!” Lia responds, her enthusiasm undeterred. She signals the bartender, and soon enough, a trio of drinks arrives at the table. 

Rolan is the first to grip the glass and then clear his throat, “To us,  and Gale - and hope that tomorrow will give us more answers.” 

One drink turns into four drinks, and at some point, you lose track of both time and the units you’ve allowed to warm your gullet. Honestly it’s quite funny, why did you worry so much before? Silly you with silly thoughts! Almost as silly as Rolan’s eyes focused on your neck. He looks funny with his eyebrows furrowed, and a chuckle escapes your lips at the sight.

“You’ll get wrinkles if you keep staring at my neck like that, Rolan.”

“I did no such thing!” he retorts as a flush creeps up on the tiefling's cheeks.

Lia heartily laughs, swaying a bit, and offers her hand to you. “Join me for a dance, will you?” The music in the tavern entices you and despite the blurred lines of inebriation, you take Lia’s hand and step into the lively dance floor.

Lia practically dragged you through the crowded tavern, Rolan following closely behind to his best abilities. The dance floor was filled with twirling bodies, in rhythm with the bard's melodies. Pulling your arm up, Lia spins and chuckles as you reach the bards scene. Rolan, with a playful twinkle in his eyes, reaches the two of you and joins the dance. The world seems to sway with the music and for the first time in a long time, a genuine smile spreads across your face. 

As you moved to the music, you sensed Rolans’ proximity. His hand found its way to the small of your back, guiding you through the intricate steps of the dance. The unfamiliar warmth of his hand against your skin was a stark contrast to the memories of Asterion's cool touch.The bard's music kept on playing, the tunes bouncing off the plucked strings, the odor of alcohol on his breath, and hot uncontrolled bodies clashing against your person -  Gods, its too much. You can't stay a minute longer or you might suffocate. 

“I need some air,” you mumble and offer an apologizing smile, excusing yourself as the dance continues without you. 

“Wait!” a muffled voice calls out, but you pretend that you’re too far off to hear. 

Faces blurred into a sea of strangers, and the lively chatter became an indistinguishable hum. Your breath quickened, and you couldn't shake the feeling of faceless men and women judging your every step. Because now they know - they know that you were no hero of Baldur's gate, just another drunk who couldn’t even cast a simple spell to disguise herself from embarrassment. 

Pathetic. 

As you stepped out into the cool night air, the contrast between the warmth of the dance floor and the refreshing chill outside sent shivers down your spine. Crouching down you plant your hands to your knees, trying to catch your breath and ease your mind. 

A moment later, the tavern door swung open abruptly, an curly haired man emerging as he wrestled with another almost feral one. The creature thrashed and snarled at the curly haired man as he strained against the frenzied movements. Caught off guard, you stood up in the shadow beside the entrance, your breath hitching again as you observed the scene unfold. 

Seizing the opportunity to make sense of the situation, you assertively approached the struggling men, dagger clutched and ready strike if needed. The curly-haired man's eyes flickered toward you and your gaze met his.

Deep crimson eyes, ivory curls, and are those fangs?

No, that can't be.

"Astarion?" you uttered, your voice a hushed whisper that sliced through the night, your eyes fixed on the elf's face in utter disbelief. There he was, right before you.

Astarion's attention shifted to the rabid man, deftly maneuvering to subdue him. He restrained the creature, halting any further erratic movements. With precision, Astarion extracted a flask from his belt, causing the man's struggles to intensify. Despite the increased resistance, Astarion's actions remained calculated and exact.

With the man momentarily contained, Astarion secured him in place with one hand, the other retrieving a flask. He raised it to his mouth, a subtle glint of fangs emerging as he skillfully removed the lid with his teeth.

"Hello," the rogue spoke, pausing to inject the man with the unfamiliar substance. The feral struggles ceased, and Astarion continued, his tone now imbued with a nuanced warmth, "darling."

Stunned you remain constrained where you stood. This is real, Astarion is here after days, weeks and months of him plaguing your thoughts every waking moment. Your mind races, trying to process the surreal present. A rumble in your stomach seems to pull you out of your trance, nausea spreading in your throat. 

Keep. it. down. 

“Care to help or do you intend to stand there and just gawk?”

Once more the door beside you swung open, a tall figure emerges with swaying strands of long hair catching in the wind, intent on reaching the paralyzed man and Astarion. 

“We said no killing, remember?" he spoke.

"Oh, my apologies, brother. I must have forgotten our little agreement when I was wrestling the feral dog whilst you were nowhere to be seen.”

At that moment, you recognized the man - Leon. His expression remained stoic, though a flicker of irritation crossed his features. "Your theatrics aren't amusing, Astarion. We need to keep them alive; this is not the time nor place for you to display your unique methods."

You finally had a surge to act, fumbled in your bag and searched for any potion or scroll that could help. A glass vial of what seemed to be a healing potion met your fingers, and you pulled it out, unscrewing the cap with shaky hands. 

“Here take this,” you called out, holding the potion aloft, offering a forced smile amidst the charged atmosphere. 

As you step forward to give Leon the vial, Rolan stumbles out the tavern door, tipsy and eyes searching for something in the night. You’d completely forgotten about Rolan and Lia, they’d probably been worried since you hadn’t returned. His eyes widened at the chaotic scene before him, and he instinctively moved to stand in front of you, a protective gesture. His hand flickered with a small flame, ready to defend against any potential threat. 

"What in the hells is happening here?" Rolan demanded, a mix of concern and bewilderment in his voice.

Before anyone could respond, Astarion let out a small laugh, one that you couldn't seem to decipher the meaning of. What was so funny? Rolan certainly wasn't amused, and the flame rose higher from his palm at the elf's dismissive laugh. Leon's gaze moved to Rolan, his hands raising in a gesture of peace, showing that they were no threat to him or you.

“Got yourself a knight in shining armor, have you now?” Astarion remarked, a sly grin playing on his lips.

Knight in shining armor? The words stung, and a spark of anger flared within you. Rolan didn't need to save you nor did you want him to. Opening your mouth to retort, Leon interjected, his voice firm and commanding.

“Astarion, don’t,” Leon snapped at him, a stern edge to his voice. He then looked directly at you, his expression softening. “We don’t want to fight you. Let's find a quieter spot to talk, and we’ll explain everything.”

You nodded, the tension in the air making it clear that this was not the time for confrontation. Rolan, still wary but trusting your judgment, lowered the flame in his palm. With cautious glances exchanged between the group, you began to move away from the chaotic scene, guided by Leon's lead to a more secluded spot where answers awaited. 

[fountainpenguin]

Hey! I'm looking for some 'fic recs!

One of my goals for 2025 is to comment more on people's 'fics, especially ones with few comments.

I'd like to make a proper post later that's more specific about what I enjoy, for people who are hesitant to throw me "just anything," but for now, consider this a generic post for some fic recs (Replies, reblogs, Ask box). Self-promotion welcome!

- I'm tired of having empty fandom inbox sometimes! Share me some ongoing multi-chapters you like; something I can sink my teeth into for the long play :) Complete longfics welcome also - Also, send me short works with an emotional punch! Love to see some nice endings~ - I love works that focus on drama, angst, grief, or character studies. Fluff acceptable! Shippy stuff not priority atm, but I'm happy to make an exception for things that are rec'd by someone who really liked them (I'll read just about anything if it has a style or tropes I like) - Share pieces with fun worldbuilding you like, or interesting character takes! Bonus points for "I want to slap this character. They're annoying and it was done so well. Suffer with me." - Looking for some Fairly OddParents 'fics (Especially the 2001 series, but I'll accept A New Wish also). Preferably ones where there's still a magical world (i.e. no turning the Fairies into humans). Heavy preference for works that are just FOP (AKA no Nicktoons Unite crossovers). - WordGirl recs are cool too; I've been craving some goofball heroes and villains in my life again... I need to finish my one-shots :'D - Would love to see Hermitcraft or Life Series 'fics as well. I'm most familiar with Hermits who are Lifers, but always happy to learn more about the others. I regularly read fandom-blind, so I don't mind lacking context. -- I'm familiar with Hermitcraft seasons 6 through 10. -- tbh I keep up with my rarepairs & fave side duos really well, but it's easy to get overwhelmed by the bigger pairs or friend groups even if I enjoy them, so... Lmk what stands out to you in a big sea of choice! I like all the Lifers and I'm happy to check out anything. -- I love Team Rancher, but I literally never search for or write 'fics about them and I don't know why. I guess I felt so satisfied by the canon that I... never bothered to dig for more :'D Please feel free to rec me some Ranchers stuff. I've read nothing. - I want to start watching Empires SMP sometime soon. Would love some Empires 'fic recs!

- This is an intentionally generic, open-ended rec request post -

Part of the fun in fanfics for me is looking at all the options and narrowing them down myself by the mood of the day, so I don't mind getting rec'd stuff that isn't my go-to style. Just looking to mix up my usual search methods with some pieces I might have overlooked, and it felt fun to ask on a busy Saturday.

I don't have Anon on my Ask box rn, but you can include a "Don't post please" message if you don't want me to share it with the blog.

Thanks for sharing your fun finds with me!

[potato-lord-but-not]

I'm so enamored with the Holy Ghosts au now. Give me two doodles and uncategorized lore and I'll eat it up tbh.

But what I came here to say is this: The fact that Noel expects Arthur to come back, knows he and John will come back (because he knows what they've been through and if they can get through this, they can probably get through damn near everything), is brilliant.

Especially when coupled with Oscar's grief. I call it grief because he doesn't know where Arthur is, doesn't know what happened to him; he was left on the doorstep of a hospital without much info or things to sustain his hope on. And next thing he knows, Noel is probably giving him one of the most confusing explanations - trying not to out John's existence - and saying he disappeared into thin air because of the same guy who made the butcher's head explode. Anyone would assume he would be dead.

What I think would realistically happen when they come back, is a fuckin whiplash for Oscar. He's grieved Arthur, he's gone through all the stages, he's accepted that he'll never see him again. Even if he wasn't dead, he probably wouldn't want to meet up, because well. He left him already. And then he shows up at the door, probably drenched in water and blood, and it's just... unraveling all that Oscar managed to accept and come to terms with.

"You died."

"I didn't ! We- I'm- I'm back !"

"You're.. back ?"

"Yes !! Oscar, you can't imagine, I'm- I'm so happy to finally see you again- I- A-are you okay ?"

"I thought you were dead. You're supposed to be dead. I accepted you were gone and I would never see you again, and now you're here ?! Alive, standing on your own two godforsaken feet, the same ones that walked away from me back then. I don't.. *sigh.* I need time."

ahh interaction

i need to write about them. yet another dynamic I'm now obsessed with

NOBODY FUCKING LOOK AT ME I WILL SOB

[upinthecloudss]

NVM ignore my newgen suggestion, I just read your hsl hc and I'm in Nostalgia Mode TM. I'd love to read your more detailed insight about the friendships between Kim and Violette, Castiel and Iris, Nath and Lys (I feel like even if not bffs, they would have got along well??), and any other "pairing" that comes to your mind!

hehe you inspired me with the other suggestion so i'm writing both if that's ok :> i'm always on mcl nostalgia mode - so i'll prolly finish this one before the new gen one

also thank you for letting me yap about mcl even more bcus there is sm to say

MCL HSL RELATIONSHIPS

my personal ramblings + ideas

Kim and Violette

i never really knew if they were intended to have a something more than friends vibe going on but i choose to believe that maybe they did have feelings for each other but never realised it

have a super supportive relationship nevertheless - romantic or not

and one of the most wholesome in the class, i loved seeing it whenever it came up in-game

kim helps violette go out of her comfort zone and to speak up for herself, that's the most obvious one to us as players

but i feel that violette helped kim put down her 'walls'

kim is a pretty guarded person, we as the main character don't get to learn much about her personal life throughout the whole series even if she does consider us to be friends - we see that kim tries to regain contact when candy is back in town in UL

but idk she seems pretty uncomfortable with letting people into her life, and being vulnerable in general

i feel that violette is one of the only people outside of her family that she confides in

violette is very authentic to herself and doesn't judge, and that made kim feel more comfortable with opening up to her

besides they have history

very long friendship - they give me childhood friends vibes

i just realised this but kim definitely helped her through violette's grief of losing her mother years before mcl canon

even if kim felt lost in helping someone through their grief, she tried to always be there for violette, even if it meant sitting in silence under the tree in the school's courtyard while violette sketched and destroyed many drawings of her mother over and over and then wordlessly stood up to go home after a few hours

violette will forever be greatful for her friendship during that time

and at any time tbh

violette feels a bit lost without kim (e.g when she wanted to cancel on iris´party when kim had to cancel) but she got better at going out to the world by herself because she knew that kim wouldn't be forever with her

even though kim plans on being her friend as long as she can

they defo hang out by themselves outside of school a whole lot

by themselves, because of violette being less comfortable in larger groups and kim enjoying violette's company more than anyone elses

besties for life i don't make the rules

seem so different but they complement each other perfectly

also kim would murder for violette and the latter knows this

mcl new gen confirm that they're still friends (and maybe gfs) in ep 11 AND MY LIFE IS YOURS

maybe were each other's first kiss who knows

but that's just a theory

a game theory

i shipped them back in 2016 and still do im sorry

Castiel and Iris

they also give me childhood friends vibes but it is revealed that iris came into Sweet Amoris a few years before candy so maybe its a high school friends thing

we see that they're close regardless - even if in ep 9 they didn't go to the beach together i imagine that they started doing it a little after that to hang out

they were also a pretty unexpected friendship to any outsiders, but they make sense in a way

theyre literally sunshine x sunshine protector

iris is a pretty empathetic person, and i feel that she wouldn't be too taken aback by castiel's initial bad temper and cold attitude to strangers, but try to understand how to make him feel comfortable around her

she is such a sweetheart how can you hate her

castiel appreciates her because of that, she never pressured him to be the socially acceptable 'friendly' and just let him open up to her by his own terms

over time they grow to have an understanding with each other

hang out every now and then, aren't super besties but they enjoy making plans together

iris loves demon, and since she lives in a neighbourhood near the park she usually makes plans to go on walks with him and castiel

castiel babysat thomas a whole lot - even during his time with deborah

when they were leaving out the door thomas stopped castiel by pulling on his sleeve - he was 7 at most by that time

"castiel, don't bring that nasty lady again, please."

thomas knew something was up with her (what an empath)

he still babysits him but iris feels bad asking him to do it too often

castiel doesn't mind, he enjoys thomas' company, and helping iris out

even if he finds him perplexing

iris asks castiel to teach her some basics of guitar so she can bond with thomas

castiel thinks it's a very strange way to bond with someone but he does it anyway because she's his friend and she asked him nicely

on that topic castiel is unable to say no to iris this is canon

they have,,, an extensive history for sure

there was a time when they were starting to become closer to each other where they hung out a whole lot (after dark to an abandoned skate park kind of plans)

skater girl iris btw

anyway

i don't see them being romantically involved but they def kissed at some point when they were around each other a lot and came to the conclusion that they don't go well together in that way

castiel would pretend to be her boyfriend to get creepy guys off of her back if she asked to though

i feel that castiel drops this piece of information in the middle of some convo with lys years later as if it were some random fun fact with no substantial importance

because to them it isn't really

and lys doesn't react as vigorously as anyone else would've in his situation (candy and armin, for example, basically backflip when castiel mentions it during a round of truth or dare at iris´ house)

obviously he is shocked at first, but after thinking about it he realises that it makes sense that it happened

honestly anyone that knew them the years before candy came into school would get it

it was obvious that they were close-ish, relatively

given that castiel was civilised with her and lys more than anyone else, yea, she's a close friend

amber used to be very nasty towards her out of jealousy, calmed down over the years

iris was also quite supportive during his first breakup with deborah

while lys was a comforting presence whenever he needed some to be quiet near someone, iris offered comforting words when he felt that his world was falling apart

was kinda cold with nath for a while because of the situation, but nath doesn't resent her for it

castiel really appreciates her for that too

they don't hang out nearly as much anymore but they can still get on each other's wavelengths pretty easily

they have a pretty solid friendship, based on mutual understanding

and surprisingly, shared interests

iris is a scene kid in my mind, but she enjoys music similar to castiel's tastes

they had an MCR phase together (never really left)

also this is just a silly headcanon of mine but i like to think that they went emo together for a while

maybe lasted a few months but everyone remembers it very clearly as much as castiel wishes they didn't

iris finds it funny and reminds castiel a whole lot

she's the only one who can remind castiel of it without getting murdered (not even lys, the topic is off limits)

nath always wanted to make fun of castiel for it but that would mean making fun of iris too and that he couldn't do

also i love the fact that iris IN CANON said that if she were to choose anyone to help her hide a body it would be castiel

castiel acts shocked but honestly i think it's sweet to see that he allows her to say those things without him getting mad at her

because i feel that if someone else he doesn't get along with said it, he'd take it the wrong way

"so you think i'm a criminal or something"

he's such a little drama queen - it was impossible to raise his lovometer without guides most of the time istg,,,,

my condolences to castielettes or however tf u call yourselves lmao

they're just their authentic selves around each other, and feel comfortable doing so

i imagine that candy in castiel's route has some insecurities regarding this friendship, but they make it clear that they're nothing more than close friends

besides iris is more than happy to see castiel with a girl who will actually treat him right

she was deeply dissapointed with deborah's actions in ep 16

not just because she was a fake friend, but because of how she planned to use castiel

tried her best to make castiel come back to class during the time that he became kinda depressed after ep 16

worried about him like a mother lmao, got mad when he went awol

veredict? sister and brother from a different mother (and father)

used to hang out a lot, but not as much nowadays

life gets in the way

doesn't mean that they don't care for each other deeply

Nath and Lys

this friendship is such a big brain moment because yes - they prolly did get along well

another case of beemoov wasting potential urghhh

they at least have some respect for each other

nath appreciates when lys gets castiel off of his back - he realises when his best friend is going too far with him picking fights with nathaniel

lys appreciates nath's respect for other people's boundaries and trusts that nath wouldn't read his writing without his permission if he ever finds his lost notebook

curiosity is a very ugly defect after all

got so nostalgic saying that holy shit

lys also respects nath's position as head of student council, something that nath rarely sees from any student, and his respect for teachers is something that nath also appreciates

lys probably managed to get a copy of the basement's keys from nathaniel because

if it had been just castiel asking, nath would have absolutely NOT given a copy over to him

but since lys asked in an actual civilised way (unlike his bruteish excuse of a best friend - nath's words, not mine), nath asked for special permission for them to practice there after school

they appreciate and connect with each other more easily than with the other guys in the class because they have some essential personality traits in common

they can be in comfortable silences together

and maybe get book/novel/poetry recs from each other

nerds (lovingly)

not the closest, but they have a pleasant friendship (acquaintainceship?) - they're kind of between the line of being friends or just classmates who get along

they don't stay in touch after high school is what i mean, even if they don't necessarily hate each other

after nath gains his independence, and he allows himself to delve into music-related hobbies that his dad would have not approved of, he goes to lys for advice

lys is very patient in introducing him to music (even if he kind of already did for the concert some time prior)

even if nath turns out to be absolutely tone deaf, he appreciates lys' help

they do consider each other friends around the time where nath comes out of his shell (post ep 23 approximately)

however, they have a key thing that they will never agree on

castiel

nathaniel will never understand how lys can stand him - not to talk about being best friends

lys will never understand nath's inability to change his close minded attitude towards his friend, he knows that nath could choose to tell castiel about deborah's lies, but he does know of their history and how the damage that they caused after the incident cannot be solved as easily

so they both get that they will never be able to be on the same page with that topic

agree to disagree, in a way

apart from that, they get along just fine

they defo have potential - if it hadn't been for the rivalry with castiel, and nath's home life which made him focus on studies rather than friendships, i feel that they would've been able to develop a deeper bond

i do feel that nath kind of is jealous of lys in a way - deep down

they're both similar people, but come from completely different family environments

good students, model ones at that, calm introverts, lovers of literature, and similar ways of percieving the world

lys will never know what it is to be scared of his father, or the need to be perfect, or to have a sibling that he doesn't get along with

all that is nath is good at, he did it to appease his father

lys did it because he wanted to

and nath will never have that, and lys reminds him of that sometimes

so he avoids being around him too much maybe

i feel that they kind of reflect each other well

what would have been of fairly similar people in different home environments - even if ik damn well that beemoov prolly put any thought into that ever

but that's me reading WAY too much into it

okay that's too much realness for me for the night

[whisperingmidnights]

Feysand & Dove x 12 🕊️🦇

Bestie, are you SURE you want to do this?

Spoilers, there are....there are spoilers for things I haven't written yet that have just been living in my head. It was a story I wasn't even going to write, tbh. There is a TW under the cut to keep those who don't want spoilers from getting them. It's a rough one, though.

12.)…in grief.

TW: stillbirth

.

.

.

He's so small. I don't take him when the healer tries to hand him to me for fear of crushing those delicate bones. His wings are no bigger than a bird's, no bigger than a dove's. I can't stop shaking.

There is still so much blood.

I feel Feyre's arms wrap around me in a distant sort of way, like she's a limb I no longer feel. There's a silence in my head as Rhys takes our son in his hands - in his hands. There, cresting just over his finger, is a tuft of soft, black hair.

Another boy created in the image of his father. Too small, too thin, too pale. As delicate and fleeting as a butterfly.

I feel Feyre's lips against my temple, against my cheek, as though her kisses might ease the hurt the way they so often have for our children. Our other children. Our living children.

For their sake, I know I can’t let myself feel this. If I do, it might consume me...but I can't breathe through it either. I can only watch with bleary eyes as my mate raises the babe to his face to kiss the top of our son's head as I had dreamed he would.

My heart cracks open then, so violently I wish I would die from it. I can't help but reach for him, that precious, little bundle wrapped in thin, dark cloth. Rhys passes him to me without a word, grief written in every line of his face.

I settle him against my breast and wipe the remnants of his father's tears from his skin. My silent boy. He never even took a breath.

"Somnus," I whisper as Rhys's lips press against my forehead. A name that could only belong to him. Feyre's thumb smooths the little tuft of hair on his forehead with such reverence that I want to scream at the injustice of it all. Later. Later I can scream until I lose my breath. Tonight, this moment, this is all we have with him.

So I cradle him against my skin and kiss his head myself.

[drkmgs]

Promise, I'll be back FINAL

Jenna Ortega x Reader

Warnings: Angst, Fluff

Summary: Part 3 of Homecoming and Promise, I'll be back.

Tbh, I wanted to write it longer but with the limited time I have, because of work... this would do for now....

When one of the survived officers showed up on Jenna's doorstep to hand your final letter, she completely broke down. Only with the help of her mother was she able to stand up and settle down on the couch. Her mother engulfed her into an embrace to comfort her mourning child.

"You don't have to read it now, but one day, you would like to know what Y/N's last words are for you. Once you read it, you will feel better and move on. Continue to live for you and for Y/N. I'm sure that's what they'll ever want." Jenna held onto the letter very tight and silently sob against her mom's shoulder.

In the following months, Jenna purposely fully booked her schedule. It has nothing to do with a certain letter, waiting for her to rip open and read it. She knew she would eventually have to open it. She knew as soon as she opened it, that would be your final goodbye to her. That she would never see you again. She would have to accept that you are gone and would never come back to her.

One day, she paces in her trailer, nibbling on her thumb, and keeps glancing at the letter that was poking out of her bag. This is the hardest decision-making that she'd ever had.

Finally, she took the letter and ripped it open.

Hello my love,

I'm sorry. I couldn't keep the promise. I only had an hour to write you this letter. I had so much in my head that I wanted to write down for you to read, and now that I'm actually doing it, I can't remember any of it.

Just remember I love you, and I always will. I'll be waiting for you. Keep achieving your goals for me and you.

yours only,

Y/N Ashford.

That's it. After several months, she accepted that you were gone. The following days are filled with grief and moving on. Fans have noticed her change of mood, and a lot of reporters have asked about you, but she managed to avoid all the questions. Because of that, a lot of people thought Jenna was just going through a breakup.

Jenna was busy filming her next movie when someone in the set let out a loud gasp, which ruined the take. Jenna watched the staff who ruined the take show something on her phone, and then everyone started to take out their phones. Jenna was confused. She only got enlightened when one of the staff showed their phone.

It's a live broadcast from looks like an abandoned building, and two people in military uniform are tied up almost slouching down with black cloths covering their heads. Two men standing behind them with guns. It's clear that they were or are being tortured. Then, a man with a skul mask appeared in front of the camera, talking in a different language, which translates to:

"Give us 10 billion US dollars, and these american soldiers are going home alive."

Then, the two men took off the black fabric from the soldiers. Jenna gasped and almost everyone at the studio, too. Captain Y/N Ashford and their sergeant are being tortured for money by this group of people.

Jenna's tears are pouring nonstop, and she's also shaking. The man with the skul mask kept talking in a different language when suddenly a bullet striked him in the head and dropped on the floor. There were bullets fired from all the directions, and the live stream ended.

The studio fell in silence as everyone was still in shock or silently crying. The director decided to stop the filming and wrapped up for today, as they were cleaning the studio, they heard a helicopter approaching. Everyone exited the studio just to see a military helicopter landing in the wide open space in front of the studio.

You climbed out of the vehicle with fresh tended wounds. Among the crowds, a small figure came out of the studio running with full speed into your arms. She almost knocked you off your feet, but you managed to keep your balance and embraced her tight.

"I don't ever leave me like that!" Jenna says and buries her head onto your chest.

"Didn't I promise you that I'll come back?" You asked, moving an inch away to see her face.

She nodded, looking straight into your eyes.

"I kept my promise." You say and lean in to kiss her on her lips.

The crowds were crying, applauding, and whistling.

[THE END]

[gritpyre]

DAREDEVIL AGAINNNNNN

huuuaghahgahg i have wayy too many thoughts about ddba i just need to ramble incoherently for a lil

first of all KAREN PLS COME BACK BABY THE KIDS MISS YOU 😭😭akdhADJH if i remember correctly deborah ann woll was contracted for 3 episodes so i'm HOPING i can see my girl once again next week, can't believe before the re-writes they weren't even gonna mention her??? karen mf page who has been the best written female lead in all of the mcu bar none, i'm beyond glad they brought her back even if i can feel she doesn't have the same narrative weight she did in the netflix series 😔 crossing my fingers they fix that come season 2

gotta say i did love the role she played in ep 1, it's obvious she and matt are traumatised to hell and back and i thought it was wonderfully angsty that they both took turns shutting the other out, i know her moving to san francisco was a way to excuse her absence in the pre-rewrite episodes but it did feel in character for her i mean, matt spent several seasons telling her and foggy that he was done pushing them away only for him to do that exact thing after foggy's death which wasn't surprising considering the immense grief he was (and still is) going through, but it has to be said that karen must've been hurt badly by his actions since she has had family die too AND her father practically disowned her after her brother's death - you can't tell me she doesn't suffer from the same abandonment issues matt does, i mean after matt was presumed dead she's implied to not have been in touch much with foggy during that period which hints to her tendency to shut others out

can't wait to see how them meeting again is going to go, i feel in many ways they're perfect mirrors of each other with both of them being reckless yet having a strong sense of justice, and i think that is also reflected in the way come the defenders and s3 of the netflix show she's far more accepting of matt being a vigilante than foggy is, and her handing matt the daredevil suit's horn in born again further cemented that for me

and man, we're 7 episodes in in born again and though i've been absolutely enjoying each one it is obvious how stitched together it is, i think for me the most glaring issue was that although the focus on matt and fisk is interesting and watching the actors do their thing with those characters is mesmerising it comes at the cost of not having enough time to develop side characters like cherry and kirsten - and i do believe this has to do with the change in direction the series took, i imagine originally cherry and kirsten were conceived to be karen and foggy's replacements so perhaps the og narrative let them have more screentime, but right now they just kinda flop around and i see them having similar interactions with matt but they just don't hit home, like the show is asking me to care but i don't have the context to do so which saddens me a little because kirsten is a stellar character in the comics

i guess that's just the price to pay for the change in direction and needing to reuse their original footage whenever possible, i am happy and surprised we're getting a show at all tbh

another character that suffers from the same thing is heather, though i can forgive that since i believe the narrative is hinting her relationship with matt is a bit of a farce, matt has said that his current life feels fake like it's happening to someone else because it is, because he's not living the life he wants but rather what he thinks foggy would've wanted to see - others have pointed out he's always seen with his glasses on when they're together and i don't think that's accidental, in all of his previous relationships with claire, karen and elektra he was shown without glasses a lot of the time, so this time they feel like yet another mask

i AM glad that they spared her with muse, honestly 10/10 points for continuing the trend of letting matt's love interests live because the fridged gf trope is soooooooooooooo overdone and boring

i'm also excited with the addition of cole north!! i'm betting he's cherry's inside man, he has shown a degree of hesitance and doubt the other asshole cops haven't so i have an inkling he'll end up working with daredevil too, wonder if they'll let him in on matt's secret?

i also 100% don't think that bitch muse is dead, he seems to have some degree of powers like maybe telepathy or mind control i wouldn't put coming back to life past him, i did like heather shooting him lmao

and series finale next week!!!! i can't wait but i also don't know what i'm gonna do when it's over akshdakdksa

[i-sveikata]

Since you are in the process of writing/correcting/adding/removing something from this new chapter, I would like to know what are your favorite scenes to write? Are they the action scenes? The scenes where only the main characters are (in this case the vp) or is it any other scene? I am looking forward to this new chapter, but don't stress, we will wait as long as it takes because we know that you dedicate a lot to give us a good fic 💙

im actually doing a lot more reworking than i predicted i would need to atm for the chap :( this was the first time i've had to write based off my memory alone when i couldn't consult my current draft (which sucks lmao) so it's a little bit clunky right now and im still trying to smooth it out. but from the length im thinking it might be another one (again) where i'm going to have to split it into two chaps in order to get it posted since it's much too long lmao. but thats good for the readers since they won't have to wait as long for the next chap to be posted!

tbh my favourite scenes are the ones i can picture in my mind very viscerally- so they're generally the big scenes- like any confrontation scenes, high tension scenes and sex scenes lol- whenever it has a big emotion underlying a scene its always so satisfying to write because i practically feel like im there watching it unfold lol. action scenes come very easy because theyre very step-by-step/ beat by beat everything is laid out in really fast succession which makes them fun to write from an analytical standpoint. emotional scenes are driven by dialogue which i really like writing- and is very talk-and-react so that always feels a lot more character driven than me consciously planning it like i would for say an action scene.

and that can be any emotion really!! i especially love humour and think its the most human quality we posses in disrupting our worst or saddest moments. so whenever i can chuck a little humour in there to throw off the anger/angst/sadness/grief etc it's always super satisfying

and yeah of course the main characters are the draw for this story- but no world can exist with other people (even if vegas might sometimes think that lmao) but having other characters interact with them gives lots of opportunities for the tension to break and for pete (or even vegas) to consult with others on the situation and see there's more outside of their intense dynamic. for me writing any character is interesting, theres some that i find more fascinating to write than others of course but im not especially not enjoying writing the other characters too if that makes sense? like vegas and pete drew me in and the rest are just part of the tapestry of their world so of course they need to be woven in there together. a story doesn't work without people!!

thanks so much thats very sweet!!! im thinking having this time off has been really good for getting through the fic so im making a lot of headway with it and hopefully the next few days will be enough to help narrow down the posting date. but yes im not too stressed and i know you have all been waiting very patiently for me to finish so i appreciate all of you!!

[itsevanffs]

My five favourite fics

Thanks for the tag @moontearpensfic :3

"Self-rec time! What are your favorite five fics that you've written and why? After replying to this ask, feel free to pass on to five other writers to spread the love. 💗"

Ok this is a little difficult. In no particular order:

slowly [E, 14/?, Spider-Verse, Miguel O'Hara/Miles Morales]

Slowly is currently my favourite fic! This might change but I'm 1/3rds through it and it's still going really strong, which is super fun. For those who don't follow my spiderverse stunts, here's a plot summary:

Miguel, a 37 year old divorcee, gets invited to Miles' 14th birthday party through happenstance, where they befriend each other. Over the next six months, that friendship deepens into something Miles isn't quite prepared to handle, and which Miguel isn't ready to give up.

It tackles a lot of (in my eyes) pretty complex subjects, like the nuances of parental neglect, grooming, trans experiences, sibling dynamics, teen sexuality and more :D Aside from that, it's also a PWP, which tend to be my favourites overall. It's a good brain squeeze for me to navigate all the intertwined realistic aspects while still making it believable, and from the response I've gotten, that seems to be something I do pretty well!

Anabiosis [E, 3/3, Harry Potter, Tom Riddle/Harry Potter (implied)]

Anabiosis was a big ol chonker of a fic, and took a lot of research to get right, particularly in the last chapter. I cried as I wrote the ending of the first chapter---I think I sobbed for about 20 minutes straight, a sentiment a lot of commenters have echoed---and it's very close and dear to my heart. It's a big character study about grief; grief for something you never got to have, grief for something you didn't know was there until it was gone, and grief for something you always took for granted. I think it turned out the best it could be, and I'm glad I wrote it.

At the expense of the world [E, 5/?, Harry Potter, Tom Riddle/Harry Potter]

At the expense of the world (or expense, for short) is one of the oldest ideas for a fic I've ever had. I've always been sort of fascinated by ancient Roman culture, and the second I learned about the honestly massive amounts of slavery they did, I wanted to write a fic about it. That's over a decade ago, now, although this fic itself is a lot younger; it's just turned 2 and a bit :D It's also got a lot of research behind it, and while it's more fantasy and PWP than anything else, I'm still really grateful to the very warm response it's gotten!

Sugar [E, 3/8, Spider-Verse, Miguel O'Hara/Miles Morales]

Sugar is a big excuse for me to play around with a bajillion iterations of the omegaverse at once, and it's really fun! I also really like how organic the dialogue has turned out; watching ATSV 30+ times has really helped me nail down their voices :D It's got some heavy topics in it, like sexism (fantasy sexism I guess) and cultural differences among universes regarding treatment of different dynamics. It's cool! I love exploring stuff like that, so Sugar is a tasty treat to me! (pardon the pun)

the bad man [E, 1/1 Spider-Verse, Miguel O'Hara/Miles Morales]

This is my first ever pornshot with complete nonconsent, which was a pretty notable milestone for me! I had a lot of fun writing it---I think I wrote it in like... a week or something. I'd check but that takes the fun out of it :P It has two iterations; a teacher/student version, and a brother/brother version. The brother version is a separate fic, you can find it in the series if you want. I'm not sure which one I like better, tbh

Okay, uhh, tag... @cindle-writes, @toast-ranger-to-a-stranger, doubling the tag for @mosiva, and @aldergroves and @muchymozzarella. no pressure obv :)

[coeluvr]

Hi, Coe! While we are on a topic of Fadiya: will she always be MC's mandatory friend? Or will there at least be an option to have a reluctantly polite relationship with her (if MC decides they need an ally but feel meh about the whole thing)/have one-sided friendship/grow apart? Thing is, she is THE most perfect fit for one of my MCs (and I am aiming to romance her on that playthrough), but for the other one... I feel like the type of the person they are, they will just close off when dealing with someone energetic and insistent like her because it would be just overwhelming to them (speaking from experience: I got majorly depressed after my grandpa who acted as my father figure passed away, and while I was functioning on the outside, any cheerfulness from well-meaning acquaintances or strangers just frankly, hurt, alienated and irritated me, so I actively avoided them, because, alas, trauma response is not always rational or pretty). Sorry to be writing it from anon, I'm just a bit iffy about mentioning personal stuff otherwise. And if it's not an option, it's understandable, since she seems to be your fav, and, as a writer, I get that some characters you just want to protect from being hurt, ever, so I hope it doesn't come off as if I'm pushing for a certain direction. Merely being curious about possible RP limitations.

[SOME CHAPTER 4 SPOILERS!!]

Hi, anon!

So in the narrative I tried my best to make it make sense on why MC (who is your character but also mine, co-parents if you will /j) would let Fadiya in. I'm not sure how much you have read of it but essentially it was very "it's nice to have her around (since literally everyone else sucks)" so I don't think our MC would feel THAT suffocated I guess because they did decide to let her in.

However, I do understand what you mean about grief and having someone who while well intended is just too much and makes you feel even more alone, like a reminder that they never went through what you did so I am happy to say that in Chapter 4 there is a part where MC can think exactly that!

The way I wrote it, it wasn't like "I need to get away from Fadiya right now I can't even be near her" it was simply... like a gap in their relationship. There is a part that just doesn't click but despite that they still like to have her around.

Now I can't spoil further which means I cannot answer most of your question but I do wish to remind that Fadiya's route / story in general tbh is like 2nd in terms of angst so think what you will with that.

[krypt-tar]

My class lecture today was about Dante's Inferno. Kind of thinking about YS in this tbh. Not for the hell aspect but the introduction and how poetic and metaphorical it is. Finding yourself in a shitstorm and seeing where you need to be to get your shit together, but facing roadblock after roadblock to the point where you're going backwards and slowly lose hope and give up. And like how Dante finds Virgil, YS finds the RGBFVerse BFs who he, in a way, looks up to them for being more put together than he is. Obviously not a proper parallel but it made me think about it.

Then again Dante acts as a representation of humanity. He goes through the hopelessness everyone feels when we're in a bad place, knocked down over and over again.

To me, YS represents the very real human feeling of being without power outside of the fictional media we write. He lost his source of willpower to keep going consumed by grief and the idea of what he could be in that reflection of himself. Though we as the audience may not have lost something like he did, there's something we as writers lose when we stop creating, and that is the control and containment of our fictional narratives and worlds.

"Why do you not go? Why do you not try to keep going knowing people care for you and I tell you that there's something worth fighting for? Why are you scared when we have your back?"

These are the counters to YS's self-doubts as much as it is for Dante. His fears. His worries. At least that's how I'm interpreting it. The other BFs are trying so hard to convince YS that he is worth helping. He's not a waste of space or air like his mind tells him he is. (Ochre you were so real making that fic btw it hurt so bad.../pos)

At some point, I want to think YS regains his determination.

"I am no longer doubting. I am back on track. I have willpower once again. I am determined to go through with this, and dive into the deepest parts of my trauma and the trauma of others not only to heal what ails my brothers, but to mend my own broken soul."

This would be the healing arc I think. It won't be easy. He'll be knocked down again and again. He might feel like giving up again too.

But right now he has the other BFs who are supporting him, and he is supporting them as well.

There was absolutely no reason for me to connect any of this to Dante's Inferno, but I think just listening to the lecture in class inspired me a lot and I felt like I needed to share even if my interpretation could be wrong.

Not a really serious analysis on it anyway and I don't think the BFs would do a great job at representing Virgil LMAO