#tbh i dont think hotch has ever let himself believe that anyone has been proud of him

[maschotch]

I saw this convo, https://maschotch.tumblr.com/post/679479069637738496/very-interested-in-hotch-and-reid-both-being, and I kinda realised that though Hotch and Spencer have both been abused by family members and abandoned and let down constantly, there's this kind of moment, maybe after 100, where Hotch is just, done.

He doesn't have anyone to be proud of him. Sean could care less, Haley's dead, and he never lets the team get close enough to feel proud of him. He's working towards an end goal of, survive the case, finish the paper work, get home, sleep, repeat. Sure he's got Jack but the kid is still to young to really understand the concept of being proud of a parent. But I do think there is a point where he's working to make himself proud, of everyone he's saved, every case that's been successful, of keeping Jack on a safe path and for keeping the team together. I think he knows that as much as it hurts that no one is really proud of him anymore, at least he can be proud of how he's helped others. And none of the team will tell him this, but they're all proud of him too, in more ways than he'll ever understand.

Whereas in contrast, Spencer still does everything to get the love and pride of everyone around him. His team adores him and everyone is so proud of how much he's grown, especially Hotch. He still has his mother who raves about him to other people she knows, who's still as proud as a mother can ever be. It's like he's kinda realised that hey, my dad's not here, but fuck him cause he's missing out and I'm getting the better end of the bargian. I've got a found family that loves me and helps me, I still have a mother that is proud of me, I know what it means to trust and love and feel good, which is something that William never expected Spencer to have.

I dunno, I'm very tired so maybe this is nonsensical rambling, but just a thought.

Will.

no i totally agree… spencer excels for praise and attention.. hotch excels because he expects nothing less..

thats a lil bit what i was trying to get at in the last part.. spencer knows what it’s like to really be loved, he knows what that warmth feels like. he may think its conditional and he may feel like he has to prove himself first—like he’s only deserving of love when he’s successful—but his push to do better comes from that desire. the affirmation that comes from his superior intelligence is all he felt like he had growing up. it was his one quality. so he hones it and practices it and puts it to use the best ways he knows how.. there’s some internal pride for saving lives, but it’s the validation that others give him that he seeks.

meanwhile hotch takes it even further.. it’s not that failure means he doesnt deserve love, it means he doesnt deserve to live. he has to succeed to prove his value, to do something worthwhile. i doubt he was ever praised as a child and it’s likely that anything done to draw attention was almost always negative. this is all speculation bc im emo ab him but this is why i think he’s like this.. i don’t think anyone’s really been proud of him. not in a way he believes, anyway. he minimizes his victories and obsesses over mistakes, but whatever standard he’s adhering to is internalized. it’s not something he thinks others are placing on him, it’s the adopted mindset of his own parents and their harshness that he never managed to shake away from

maybe im misinterpreting it or exaggerating it or just making shit up, but i just think its so interesting that the two perfectionist characters have such high standards for themselves for different reasons. they attribute their worth to their performance, but one expects warmth and the other expects rebukes.