#tbh festercup has finally won my whole heart

[tysonrunningfox]

Open Flames: Part 9

Someone help this boy, please.  Or talk to Hiccup, Eret.  I’ve never given you that advice in my life.  Just talk to Hiccup, he’d get this one.  

Masterpost

I don't mean to take a nap.  I especially don't mean to take a nap outside, head pillowed on Bang's tail in the clearing behind the chief's house.  I don't really notice that I'm taking a nap until I'm waking up, familiar sooty fingers on my cheek.  I open my eyes to Fuse leaning over me with a concerned expression, fingernails scratching gently in my beard.  

"Is it later?"  She asks, debating whether to sit down next to me or not and I interrupt the decision, wrapping a sleepy arm around her waist and pulling her down against my side.  Her head smacks a little too hard into my shoulder and I flinch, but if anything, the twinge makes me sleepier and I rest my cheek on her hair, shushing her gently.  

"Just a few more minutes."  

"Eret," she smiles through a stern tone, hand firm on the center of my chest as she sits up.  "You didn't leave."  

"I know," I sound whiny accidentally and clear my throat, "we don't need to talk about that when we could sleep."  

"We do need to talk," she thumps my chest with her palm and I sigh, opening my eyes and staring at the sky.  Perfect blue, small puffs of clouds drifting in front of a too bright sun.  Bang's scales are a perfect cool pillow and I almost roll over and capture Fuse again because there's only so much fight anyone could put up against napping right now.  

"Yeah."  

"About earlier."  

"I know," I huff, reluctantly scooting backwards to prop myself against Bang's tail.  I rub my eye with my knuckle and Fuse curls into my side a little more conventionally as my hand finds that waist that's not quite familiar.  Close, but new.  New enough to wake me up with an uncomfortable lurch from drowsiness. "Yeah."  

"You stayed," she sounds disappointed this time but not with me, and I squint down at her, seeing mostly shiny strawberry blonde.  

"I did more than stay."  

I kind of asked Fuse to marry me. In a weird, roundabout fuck-the-chief way, but still, I asked her.  And she didn't only not say yes, but she started crying, and it hurts in a way I don't want to deal with.  I know it shouldn't hurt this way because she loves me and she says it and she feels so good curled against my side.  So good and comfortable and familiar, and the more I rub my fingers over her waist, the more this feels like how it's supposed to be.  Bang is adding to it somehow, his eternally cool scales under my head and shoulders while the sun is warm on my face and again, I consider diverting this into naptime.  

Or, you know, something else.  If we weren't within sight of the chief's back door, that would be a distinctly more definite consideration.  

Wait, can you do that when the girl is pregnant?  

I frown involuntarily thinking about the fact that Rolf definitely has a book with that information in it.  I'm not asking him and if I ask Fuse, she'd probably ask him.  Not directly, or anything, but--well, if we were married, I could ask married people what you do about stuff when your wife is pregnant.  It stings in that still fresh scrape of a wound and I bite my lip.  

It was kind of a proposal.  I suggested going and getting married.  I thought about it.  I figured it out, I half planned what our house would look like and I liked thinking about that, so much.  But it wasn't real, necessarily.  It's not like I asked Tuffnut.  I didn't save up any silver or anything.  I have no money, I don't think.  I kind of just put all my money into that jar Aurelia collects coins in and ask her for it back when I need any.  I definitely didn't negotiate with my parents.  

It was a fake proposal, wasn't it?  I can deal with that.  

"Eret," Fuse sighs, heavy, her flat tone faltering at the edges as her fingers curl into the front of my shirt, one finger dipping into the V of it and stroking the edge of a fireworm scar.  

"You know I wasn't actually asking you to marry me or anything, right?"  I laugh, surprisingly convincing because Fuse lifts her head and stares at me, blue eyes narrowed.  "It was just...you know, a concept.  An idea. Not a real, typical proposal or anything."  

The pause drags out like a Whispering Death using my nerves as a shield to bore into solid rock, silent and painful.  Fuse sighs suddenly, tucking her face into my neck with a little too much force, her lips disproportionately gentle against my skin as she talks.  

"Good."  

My heart drops, the vision of a house that's ours depicted in a similar mental artistic style as my parents’ house in its prime disappearing to mist.  But it's a relief too, because Fuse's entire body relaxes as she leans into me, her stomach warm and solid against my side.  

"Yeah, I was just wondering where we were going to put a baby, so I said some hasty things."  It's a joke.  They don't feel hasty.  They don't feel as slow as the chief and my mom wish they did, but they definitely don't feel hasty.  

Fuse doesn't get the joke because she relaxes further, one leg sliding over mine as one hand slips under my shirt to brush against the edge of my scars.  

"Babies are small," I try to continue my streak of good luck, "I'm sure we'll find like a corner or--"

"You didn't have to stay because of me," she sound disappointed again, weirdly, but not in me, also weirdly, because she starts kissing my neck again, determined, the hand against my scars splaying slightly.  "Especially while you're gone fixing this."  There's a harshness in her tone that accompanies teeth on my collarbone and I don't really know how to argue, especially because everything she's saying is true.  She's at least factually correct and her hand is moving up as her mouth moves down and I nod.  

"Shouldn't take too long."  I'm not really sure what I'm talking about after the last few weeks, but it doesn't matter that much.  Not now.  

"Either way."  Fuse grins sympathetically and I close my eyes.  

Making Fuse a new vest is kind of fun.  Not only because it's a project that no one else has input in but because I get to sit in Smitelout's comfortable stool in front of the fire, stretching leather and stitching along my charcoal marks, focused on only one thing at a time.  Fuse doesn't think she needs a new vest, of course, she just keeps saying how she's supporting me and not asking for anything.  I guess this is for me more than for her.  And that's fine, it helps her anyway.  

And it has the dual purpose of calming me down, at least until the chief shows up at the forge window, knocking on the counter in a dorky way that made me laugh before he betrothed me to some random princess.  It doesn't matter that Elva is nice, I still flinch when I see him, feeling sixteen and unprepared.  There are some kinds of unprepared that my knife's weight against my leg doesn't help.

"Hey chief, Smitelout isn't here right now," I sit up, rolling my shoulders and stretching the stitch sore fingers.  "She said she'd be back whenever I was done."  

"Sounds like her," he leans on the counter.  His face is cautious, but just enough to feel vulnerable and I stab another careful stitch through the leather in my hands, checking the strength before going again.  

"What do you need?"  

"You, actually," he looks at me with that uncomfortable blend of understanding and assessment and I shift in the chair.  "I was just with Aurelia, she got a message from Arvid, something about dragon trappers."  

"Oh?"  I sit up straighter, "really?"  

"Yeah, he found something," the chief shrugs, shoulder bouncing under old, soft leather armor.  "That's what Aurelia told me to tell you, I didn't pry too much further."  

"I should go talk to her," I fold the vest carefully over my arm and stand up, "thanks for the message--"

"What are you making?"  The chief stares at the folded leather and I shrug.  

"Vest."  

"For you?"  There's no feeling in it, like he's asking for me to fill in self-incriminating gaps and I grit my teeth and shrug.  

"Maybe it'll fit.  How's Mom?"

"You live with her occasionally, you tell me."

"She seems...healthy."  I joke like I haven't been avoiding her.  I've been avoiding everyone, really, except for Fuse.  And villagers, of course, just...family.  As much as I feel like I need advice, I don't want it.  

"New vest for Fuse?"  He raises an eyebrow, leaning elbows on the counter like he expects me to talk to him.  I hate that I kind of want to, I hate remembering how easy it was even a few months ago.  We were ok, weren't we?  That's almost worse than the other changes.  

"Yep," I nod, "I can finish it later."  

I hate that he wouldn't be a bad person to talk to about this, all things considered.  He knows what it's like to have a child with someone he's not married to.  He knows how the relationship is with said child after they didn't grow up under his roof.  I hate that all he'd do is tell me to get married and I'd have to admit that it's the only path forward I'm seeing, which will sound like agreement instead of understanding.  

"Ok, I get it," he shakes his gray head and laughs, a bit sheepishly, "you don't want to talk to me."  

"Yeah, I don't."  I lie with a shrug, my face carefully flat like Aurelia keeps trying to show me.  I'm not good at it, not like she is, but the chief gives me a tired shake of his head.  

"I just wanted to tell you again that I'm proud of you for deciding to stay here this week."  He says it like a compliment but it doesn't feel like one, knowing I've got to go talk to Aurelia.    

"Yeah, great choice that was, considering Arvid found trappers without me and now I have to go get a message from Aurelia about it.  She worries about him like she forgets he's a giant man with a giant sword as soon as he's out of sight."  I scoff, cleaning up the needle I was using and probably putting it away in the wrong place.  Whatever, Smitelout is going to yell at me later no matter what. "If I'd been there, maybe I could have done more than send a message."  

"You haven't even seen the message yet."  

"I know it's probably about something I should have been there for."  

"You can't be everywhere at once," the chief sighs like he knows how true it is and I think of the vest in my hands, made to expand without my help or presence.

"I know."  

"Can I ask why you decided to stay?"  He can't know anything but I feel cornered anyway and frown at him.  

"You can, but I don't see what it'll get you."  I roll my eyes at him and it doesn't budge his concerned expression.  That pisses me off, because somehow, no matter what I do or don't do lately, he's completely immovable.  He won't get mad at me or react to me or make me chief and it makes me want to push him, but that's a sixteen year old answer to the problem.  I sigh and decide on a scrap of the truth, "I guess I just kind of freaked out a little bit.  It won't happen again."  

"Oh, don't be so sure about that," he reaches through the forge window to pat me on the shoulder and I let him.  Maybe I'm feeling a little sympathetic knowing there's some theoretical child of mine on its way. I'd hope that even if I mess up as much as the chief has, they'd at least let me awkwardly shoulder thump them.

Oh Gods, I've been so worried about where to put a baby that I haven't even really dug into how to not mess one up as it grows up.  That's something I definitely don't know how to do.  

"I guess that's fair, I am good at finding new things to freak out about," I clear my throat and try not to look at his face too hard.  The clueless, disconnected expression of parental concern with no idea as to the gravity of my situation is frankly terrifying.  I start flipping through everything Arvid and I ever got away with and everything the chief doesn't see and know about me and Stoick and Aurelia and my blood feels cold in my veins.  

"Anything I can help with?"  

"Nope."  My eye twitches a little and I blink hard to stop it, "just a normal...freak out, not really your department of expertise."  That feels a little mean to say but makes me feel better too, because I did stay when I thought Fuse was mad at me.  Maybe that's a tiny step in a different direction from the chief's footsteps.  Then again, I'm already on a different path because he was already chief when he was my age.  And I'm not going to be chief until I fix whatever Arvid found and Fuse is thinking about being chief's wife and I don't have time to go back around that bend right now.  I clap, bringing myself back to attention as much as the chief.   "I should go talk to Aurelia, then."  

"I'll walk that way with you," he narrows his eyes at me even as he smiles, a surprisingly authentic imitation of my mom's mind reading expression on his face, "I've got to go check in on something anyway."

"Something's not quite my name, but it's close," I try to brush him off, shrugging a stiff shoulder as casually as I can.  "I'm fine, I just need to go figure out whatever Arvid's message said." While not telling Aurelia that Fuse is pregnant and also that I've realized that I'm probably just as doomed to be a dad like the chief as I am to have red hair or be scrawny enough to get confused for Arvid's toothpick.  "It'll be fun."  

"Have you been having any of that?"  He jokes, falling into step beside me, and I ignore the sudden urge to whistle for Bang.  I don't actually want to get to Aurelia's house faster today and I also don't want the chief to see me avoiding him as I take a few laps around the island before getting back to work.  Especially when he raises his eyebrow and I wonder if he happened to look out the back door that afternoon I decided to stay here.  But he wouldn't keep quiet about that, and even if he did, Mom would get it out of him and there's no way she'd keep quiet about it so I divert him, holding up the half-finished vest.  

"Uh, yeah, I'm sewing."  

"Right, sewing, your favorite past time," he rolls his eyes, looking pointedly at my arms, "I should pick up a needle more often."  

"It gives you lots of time to think," I say honestly, hoping that it's enough to convince him to go away.  And that makes me think of the kid I haven't met yet, Fuse's eyes as disinterested in talking to me as I am about the chief right now and my heart stutters.  Worse, the chief seems to get the dismissal and decide, for some reason, that today is the day my stubbornness is to be heeded instead of argued with.  

"Well, if you want to talk about it--"

"I'm still squatting in your house, remember?"  It comes out a little bitter and I force a laugh, "I know where to find you."  

Aurelia writes off my twitchiness with alarmingly little interrogation as she explains what Arvid found out.  Letters are coming into the island from somewhere other than the main dock and that means that the trappers not only know about the current, but they know they're being monitored.  Arvid is planning to stay another week to wait for me and as much as I don't want to go, I'm a little relieved that we agree I shouldn't fly out early because waiting for the next shift change is less cause for alarm.  

That means I get time to talk to Fuse about it, at least, and she nods, steely and committed to the concept even as I want her to beg me to stay.  Or not beg, I don't want her to feel like she has to beg, but ask? Maybe?  Because I can't decide to stay, not now, but I also can't even think about leaving her alone in this without my throat feeling tight and we still haven't talked.  She has the new vest, at least, and that makes me feel better, but I don't understand how she can be so confident.  Or worse, maybe she's not and she's not telling me because she thinks it would make me stay, except that doesn't sound like her.  I can't start questioning that now.  

And it's not that Fuse can't handle herself, of course she can, of course I know she can.  I just can't stop thinking about something going wrong and no one knowing.  As amazing as it feels to see that this is all real, it also just keeps reminding me how real it is.  Women die from being pregnant and not just having the babies, I know that much.  

If Arvid were here, I'd tell him, honestly.  I could trust him to keep it relatively quiet and keep an eye on Fuse.  I'd probably only get a few bored looks about getting married, finally, at long last, and he probably wouldn't go out of his way to make me feel bad about Fuse rejecting the idea of a proposal to maybe get married somewhere else.  But he's not, because I was dumb enough to send him when I shouldn't have because I should be on that island and this problem would be solved already and--No.

I exhale, hitting my head against the nearest wall a couple times and leaning against it.  

I know the answer.  It's just going to hurt a bit.  

“Are you ready to go?”  Aurelia asks without looking up when I push her front door open an inch and peek inside.  It’s easier to stare at the redecorated wall than have her read my mind before I get the words out.  

I thought lying about this for so long would be harder, honestly.  I wonder if I should ask Fuse if I should tell Aurelia, but if she said no, how could I leave without anyone knowing enough to help her if something goes wrong? And I trust Aurelia.  I’ll tell Fuse when I get back, she'll forgive me.  This is a forgiveness situation, not a permission one.  I'm quoting Fuse quoting her dad there, so I don't see how she could see issue with the logic.  It’ll be fine. Everything is going to be fine.

“Uh...almost,” I step inside, stuffing my hands in my pockets and nodding at a map of the archipelago hanging on the wall.  “That’s new.”

“You’re being weird,” Aurelia looks up, eyes narrowed.  “Why are you being weird?”

“I’m not, I just...I like the map.”  

“I’m not mad about you sending Arvid anymore,” she rolls her eyes, “I’m sorry, I just--I’m not used to you pulling rank on me like that, but of course, you get to.  And maybe it was better that he was there instead of you, I’m not sure you could have caught this without escalating.”

“Why is everyone so sure I escalate everything?”  I frown, scuffing my boot on the floor.

Telling Aurelia is the right thing to do, she can watch out for Fuse while I’m gone and keep things calm and it’s all going to be ok.  I just can’t figure out how to say it. Pregnant. I don’t think I like that word. It sounds so final and serious and doesn’t leave room for me to be happy about more Fuse in the world because it also means I’m going to be a father and I don’t know how to do that.  

Hel, Aurelia is the one person who might understand my logic on that one.  She’s also the chief’s child and while he hasn’t been dangling chief in front of her for four years, they haven’t always gotten along as I can attest first hand.  They’re like Mom and Arvid, honestly, their entire relationship changed when she moved out and he couldn’t nag her about dragons all the time.

If only she were as understanding about the fact that I'm also not a husband.  

“You came here to talk to me, why don’t you spit it out so that you can go pack?  I’m assuming you haven’t packed yet.”

“How much do I really need to pack?”  I pat the knife on my belt, “I should be good, given my reputation for escalating.”  

“I don’t really have time to chat right now, so if you aren’t going to tell me whatever it is you came here to tell me, I’d like to get back to work.”  She’s not kidding and I momentarily feel bad about what I’m about to drop on her. I hardly ever notice how tired she looks, but right now I’m just going to add to the dark circles under her eyes and I’m apologetic in advance.  

It’s for Fuse.  She needs someone looking out for her while I’m gone and worse than that, she doesn’t think she does.  I can trust Aurelia to slide food under her nose three times a day and make sure she doesn’t go blowing stuff up without backup.  

“I have to tell you something.”  I get the words out and pause, gesturing in front of me and looking for the next piece.  

“Ok, what is it?”  

“It’s...don’t freak out.”  I bite my lip, crossing the room and sitting down in the chair beside her, wringing my hands together on the table.  

“Why would I freak out?”  She raises an eyebrow, “what did you do?”  

That makes me laugh, a tired, nasal laugh that I probably should have held in, “it’s only partially something that I did--”

“Thor’s beard, I know that tone, you found another warlord didn’t you?” She starts shuffling papers around, reaching for what looks like some kind of inventory.  “How do you keep doing this? It's only been a few months--”

“It’s not a warlord.”  

“Ok, dictator, pirate king, invader, conqueror, whatever this one is calling themselves--”

“It’s not a warlord,” I flatten my hands on the table and look at them instead of at Aurelia.  “Or, you know, maybe it is. In about twenty years after I’ve been a horrible father.”

“What?”  Her eyes bore into the side of my head and I turn slowly to face her, wincing in anticipation of her reaction.  “Fuse is pregnant?”

“Kind of?  Well, not kind of, definitely.  She’s definitely pregnant. It’s starting to show, like, her stomach I mean.  Obviously.” I bite the inside of my cheek to shut myself up and it only works temporarily because Aurelia is staring at me with inexplicably silent judgement.  “I expected you to react. To say something or something.”

“That’s why you wanted Arvid to go, isn’t it?”  

“Well...yeah,” I wring my hands together, “and I really don’t want to go now, but if it’s this tense I don’t see a way around it and I just need someone that I trust to know, alright?  In case something goes wrong or--”

“Nothing is going to go wrong, I’m on it,” she nods, setting her small, cold hand on mine, “you’re--I know you hate hearing this, but you’re going to have to marry her now, you know that, right?”  

“You’re right, I do hate hearing that.”  I bite my lip, “but I know. I know you’re right and we’re going to have to get married but I can’t even think about that right now because I’m freaking out about the fact that I have to leave and I’m going to keep having to leave and I’m so worried I can’t think straight.”  

"Have you brought up getting married somewhere else?”  She asks innocently, like a reminder, and my heart drops into my stomach like a heavy, hot stone.  

I could tell her that the concept wasn't so much rejected as vaporized, but I can already imagine the pity in her face and I think if she directed it at me, I'd crack.  

“Not yet."  

"What are you waiting for?"  She rolls her eyes and I shrug.  

"I’m not chief yet.  I’m not even chief, how am I supposed to be a father?  I’m never going to be chief if I drop this peaceful solution halfway through because this entire thing started because the chief thought I couldn’t do anything peacefully.”  I stand back up and start pacing, yanking at my hair like it could help me think some way through this. It's more true than I want it to be. "And if I get married and then become chief, I'm always going to feel like the chief just made that decision because I did what he wanted as opposed to him actually thinking I can do it."  

“Ok, but what does that have to do with Fuse?”  

“Nothing,” I sigh, “it has to do with me.”  Or it would have nothing to do with her if I'd been smart enough to say 'Christians' instead of Elva.  Or maybe even then, it's not like Christians could make me chief, not without a lot more drama.  

“Yeah, and there's a new deadline on you figuring it out.  I'm just saying.”  

“Trust me, I know.”  I look at all the ways she looks like the chief and try to count the differences.  His eyes but she narrows them differently. His mouth but a different frown. “It’s not important now, I guess.  I have at least a week to think on it.”

“I don’t think there’s much to think on,” Aurelia shakes her head in fond annoyance and if I were feeling more mean and less exhausted, I’d tell her how much that particular motion looks like her dad.  “Or I guess you already did the thinking. Or the lack of thinking. Whichever gets your girlfriend pregnant.”

“Lack of thinking,” I nod to myself, “definitely lack of thinking.”  

“Does Fuse know you told me?”  

“Nope, she doesn’t want to tell anyone either.”  

“Have you asked why?”  Aurelia raises an eyebrow, “because if it’s about your marriage hangup--”

“No, I haven’t asked why.  She hasn’t really seemed up to it, honestly, she was throwing up and sleeping all the time and now she's catching up on work like...well, her.  And it’s a challenge to get her to stop working and eat under normal circumstances, you know how she is.”  

“So you want me to monitor and feed your pregnant girlfriend while not letting on that I know she’s pregnant.”  She nods to herself, looking remarkably like Mom accepting a challenge. That gives me hope. “You owe me.”

“Yeah, I do.”  

“And congratulations, by the way.”  She twirls her braid around her writing stick, half thinking and half dismissing me.  “Future dad. Gods, it’s weird to think of you as a dad.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”  

Hey, at least Future Dad is guaranteed to take significantly less than four years to drop the modifier.  I think I already like it more than Future Chief.