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sole-cuore-amore-e-droga · 5 years

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Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Croatia to Eurovision with a confused angel lad and his lowkey over-enthusiastic mentor

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Yeah, well, I definitely have hoped for this nation to finally finally bring back Dora as their national selection, as I myself have never really felt their internal entries since they abandoned it (well maybe except Nina from 2012 but even then by now I grew out of it softly). Not even Nina from 2016 which was tipped as a huge fan fave (though I’m so sorry for it getting completely lambasted in Eurovision, especially because of the poor clothing choice and Nina’s warbly notes here and there).

And they did! After like what, 7 solid years??? After the last Dora ending out with a disastrous end result and spawned a person to (more) stardom who even qualified a couple years back and this year he’s there to be a songwriter for his home country because of the Eurovision 2019 slogan inspiring him???? Well... yeah that happened. With having fought 15 other participants made up of familiar faces, up and coming starlets, the already legendary divas or just some people, he won as a songwriter for this next target of my review - the target that is aptly titled “The Dream” and is performed by a 19 year old up-and-coming pop star, Roko Blažević. Yep, Jacques Houdek won a NF but not with himself singing. Man did his magic game get stronger over the years since Dora 2011.

And interestingly enough, Jacques’s wizardry comes in with him being capable of selling chanceless music as something worth buying into. How can that happen???

Well, to be frank with you all, this song is not that bad, unlike everyone thinks it is. It feels like a low-rent musical ballad, sure, but it's not terribly composed or anything... well, I know I usually hate on those songs that like using mostly not the "verse - chorus - verse - chorus - bridge - chorus", but there are plenty of songs that mess with that structure that usually just omit the last two components (radio pop music) or don’t even need one, and they sound great. Here we have the omission of the last two components that more reminds me of “Grande amore” (I am not saying they’re comparable but still), as in, slow ballad in the F minor (”The Dream” even slaps a keychange on) that tries to sound majestic/dramatic, not very much so to be intense, just something theatrical I s’pose. And has a little too little time for another full verse so they just go to a bridge (and "Grande amore" had two long pre-choruses too?!?). I don’t hate this one, if I had to make a 2019 ranking this instant I’d put this in Top 30 somehow.

So what is there to be found that puts people off? They cannot be hating on Roko’s voice, which is really great for a young man like him. (In fact, God forbid I say one bad word about him, because some specific one on Twitter will have a beatdown with me because I dissed her hubby... so I’ll keep my mouth shut about any qualities of his :X) I guess it consists of several factors: 1) the song sounds dated; 2) the lyrics, especially in that chorus (I DREAM OF LOOOOOOVE, YOU DREAM OF LOOOOOOVE~ lol I actually dream of hatred, hatred will prevail >:) ); 3) the vocal volume is loud at parts; 4) the song is English-Croatian and somehow it should be sung in Croatian just to hide away the hideous understandable lyrics. My personal caveats are: 1) the song is too plodding and it shows a lot in that chorus with Roko holding his long notes (can we get tothe point FASTER?!); 2) the chorus lacks productional depth and maybe with a slight revamp (given Jacques wouldn’t be so stubborn about it!) it could have sounded the right amount of dramatic. If anything, I am GRATEFUL that it sounds more palatable than "My Friend", as THAT one was a joyful of cringey clichés tbh. The cheese became rotten and smelly and the sudden violin lead-in into the bridge still creeps me out. Goddamn it Jaq.

Not to mention Mr. Houdek is soooooo optimistic about his song, he finds everything in it perfect enough to not change it! Not the melody, not the language decisions, not the wings (did I tell you Roko wore wings on his NF performance??) - no! Did someone not tell him that Eurovision is rapidly evolving and his fantasies of coming top 3 with this song just better stay fantasies? Oh wait, it's the same man who once sang "dare to dream and make it real", of course he's stuck to his guns like super glue. Can't blame him, there were worse songs in top 3 over the years. Still though, the wings is a stupid idea. There should be something else involved if Jacques wants a performance to be memorable. Roko can't just stand there and only do what he's told to do by his guardian songwriter - granted he has to behave but still...

In the end, how would I summarize this tl;dr? I am one of a handful of folks who find this alright. There's a bigger minority who outright adores the song but I'm just there that likes this and nothing much more, honestly. Everything's just alright. Guess I'm sometimes soft enough to accept cheese, huh. But seriously, the mentoring behind the scenes... it's creepy to say the least. I'm happy Roko's having a helluva good time at least.

Approval factor: Oh I don't know with this one, statistically we can just go ahead and... try approving this? I’m not a huge fan of Croatian entries this decade, at least Slovenia redeemed themselves in my eyes last minute with “Sebi”, while even in my Croatian faves (they mostly are “Nebo” and “Crazy”, and I maaaaaybe like “Lighthouse” a bit too actually?) I see some negative qualities that completely overwhelm my liking for them. But since I legally find “The Dream” okay, I give this one a bit of a pass.

Follow-up factor: Sadly this kind of choice feels to me as a steady divedown in overall quality of what Croatia usually offers us. Well the decline was always on since “My Friend” followed up “Lighthouse” I suppose, or it's just so happens that Croatia sent the duds on this decade only in odd years ("Celebrate" was fun but tragic trash, "Mižerja" was pleasant I guess but everything here was miserable from the beginning and everyone still doesn’t get why “My Friend” qualified and “Crazy” didn’t). I like it though.

Qualification factor: I’d like to believe that this one can borderline sneak the fuck in to the finals for no reason other than Jacques knowing how to work things in his favour. Yes, I’m not writing this off completely. Although I still see some parts where this wouldn’t work out, it’s actually not 100% doomed... if anything, I at least don’t see it coming last in semi easily! It’s not as LAME as Iceland last year was. And it too was a basic love-peace-dreams message inserted into an older-timey-sounding singalong ballad and was given for a young singer that has a helluva lot of potential later ASIDE Eurovision. That is if they don't pretend Eurovision "ruined [their] careers, njeh!", of course. At least Roko can SANG live and maybe it will happen again that a singer's voice will make this surprisngly qualify over the song? We'll see. For now Jacques should just stay focused on how to make Roko's angel wings (sigh...) more memorable on stage in case the voice is not qualifying but the gimmicks are.

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

EMA 2019 at least had positive surprises all over for a NF this non-cared-about-by-me. Dora just... did not. Really. This NF did not interest me all that much song-quality-wise, and it even had SIX MORE SONGS than EMA!!! Crazy, huh?? But it’s okay, I can talk about the show to you if you want me to:

• From the Dora participants list announcement I was mostly excited to hear like two entries, and I'll mention both of them right away separately. And it's by two artists I've heard of before a lot! Though this first one kind of made me feel like I've been somewhat betrayed... enter Luka Nižetić who has got a nice vast catalogue of songs now - soft song(s), upbeat summer songs, and so on. And I kinda liked some of those songs of his I heard (if you're looking for recommendations, give "Vječno" a listen!), but “Brutalero”, his actual Dora 2019 entry was... on a whole different level. Dude, when was ripping off “Mi gente” ever useful?? It’s the year people were chasing after “Fuego” as the Latinesque bop to copy, not this! I hate it when people rehash annoying (but catchy) songs, and it’s certainly worse when they do it as their Eurovision NF entry. Brutal. And I actually remember hyping him before hearing the song, which is a bigger facepalm-worthy moment of mine. When will I ever learn?! ;( Thank God for the juries who served this song right. IDC if the revamp version of this made it any better, I’ll be fuming over this not being an inspired song. Oh and the comic book cartoon style made this brutally laughable to me, I said what I said. It might have entertained some kids though. So to summarise, Luka’s capable of having bops out, but “Brutalero” ain’t it, sis.

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• Well guess what - Friendship ended with LUKA, Now MANNTRA is my best friend! Hell yeah lol. Did I tell you I like rock music so much? So I really foresaw kind of liking Manntra's song “In the Shadows” and rooting for them based on me knowing their name (just like Luka but oop), and in fact I really did root for them in the end! I wish I supported them more than Luka instead. They’re bangin’. They’re blazin’. They’re pure awesomeness. Their costumes. THAT BREAKDOWN. Magic. Should’ve won, and if them winning were any forbidden because Croatia is just refusing to accept stuff I’d stan for, at least come second. Screw Luka, screw Lorena. Bring the rock music back. ^^

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• oh yeah and the others I guess. Well, if I had to recommend a few entries, here goes: if you’re nostalgic for old-timey early 2000′s bops (in the style of “Everyway That I Can”), you go and listen to the aforementioned Lorena Bućan‘s entry, “Tower of Babylon”. If you dreamed of one of the Femminem singers becoming a 60s retro artiste (actually you did not, that sounds very utter random), go check her project’s (Gelato Sisters) entry, “Back to That Swing”. If you’re here for THE QUEEN DOMENICA, go ahead, check out “Indigo”, the ultimate shopping mall background music anthem. My actual other favourite together with Manntra was Beta Sudar though, as “Don’t Give Up” as some really nice pop I guess. You see what I mean when I said that Dora this year did not interest me all that much song-quality-wise? Well ofc some songs were nice but that's all and too much 'just niceness' is slowly breaking me honestly. I would have gladly cancelled the NF and put Manntra through internally instead. Epic boys deserve an epic platform to showcase themselves, I don’t make the rules here.

Thankfully that's that out of the way, now I'm just going to wish this sweet little angel man all the best in Tel Aviv and not to be too upset if he flops. I know Jacques would be upset, but for that he shouldn't put Roko through a similar mind process also...

#eurovision 2019 #tel aviv 2019 reviews #croatia 2019 #roko blažević #the dream #croatia

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goldenscript · 7 years

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bffs to lovers!kino

literally the sweetest sunshine of a best friend that you could ever ask for

kang hyunggu, a dancing and music prodigy who can sing, dance, and rap,,, like who knew? well, ofc you did

you’ve known him long before he was accepted into his music academy and hit it off really well all over the place

he’s not signed or anything yet but he should be - actually, he wants to get his degree first before he focuses on all that stuff so on top of music he’s being extra studious

anyway hyunggu and you have been bff’s since you two were kids, you two were inseparable after being seated together and since then it’s just been you and him as two peas in a pod

as you two grew older,,, like into 5th grade and onward, you noticed his affiliation for music and how much he adored being able to sing and play instruments

the way he lit up at the sound of music was more than enough of a telltale sign that he was meant to play and perform

you just knew,, and you’re certain a part of him knew too

he just needed a push from someone

his parents couldn’t really give him the money to play piano or anything, so they weren’t an option

however, the music teachers at your school helped him raise funds because they saw so much potential in him like you and even though he said it wasn’t a big deal if he couldn’t get lessons, you knew it was

he did a bunch of yard work, house work, lots of side jobs that could help him fund that dream of his and he saved up A Lot

sometimes when he wasn’t looking you’d put in a few bucks of your own allowance to his little lessons fund too

instead of giving it to him directly because the last time you did he got really upset, you would give it to the teachers and made them promise not to say a word about it

so you continued to encourage him to keep pursuing his music despite how shy he was with any of it,,, like talent shows? nope. showcases? Heck no

your middle school music teacher begged you to convince him because to no avail the poor shy boy just couldn’t find the gets to get on that stage with other people watching him

you knew how much he wanted to perform and share music he had trapped in that little notebook of his and you just,,,

you made it a goal of yours to convince him

you wanted to give him that strength to do it not only by talking to him about all his anxieties so he’d feel lighter but also by showing up to every single practice

you would always stay up with him to listen to his latest piece and you even showed up to his first performance with a rose because you couldn’t afford a bouquet but he loved it

he really began to love music and performing and the idea of making it a career really dawned on him when he was contacted by a scout for a big arts academy

next to your support, he decided to take a music career path more seriously just to show his parents that instead of running a grocery store with them that he wanted to make music and write lyrics and sing and all that good stuff

they were pretty skeptical because practicality and tbh they actually hadn’t seen him perform

he was also so shy to mention it to them because it was always about the store with them so you told them about it and it was a later performance that would really seal his fate in the music world

he performs this song about growth and doing better things and it’s just so beautiful with his voice and the melody and he hit this gorgeous high note,,,, like he automatically got that scholarship

you and his parents were so proud,,, y’all even cheered the loudest and as embarrassed as eighth grader hyunggu was, he was so elated that you three were there

in the end, they decided to support him and his decision to accept the scholarship to the arts academy in the city and it dawns on the two of you what this meant

school of performing arts in seoul (SOPA for short) meant bigger and way better things for him and you didn’t want that to be wasted just because he would be leaving

despite how visibly torn he was at first, you definitely talked him into going because you absolutely refused to be the reason why he didn’t follow his dream

so in those for years you exchanged a few words and saw each other in the beginning

sometimes you visited or he visited but a lot of the time you had to go there during his free time which began to get sparser and sparser as the school drew on

and eventually he just grew busier and busier to the point where visits didn’t happen anymore

you’d get a few texts every now and then - eventually those stopped too

at first, it hurt a lot to know that he couldn’t respond but you also understood that the workload there is vastly different from your average high school and if he wanted to keep a spot there then he needed to put 110% in

plus, over the years, his stuff was taking off - from performances to demos to even melodies because his producing was just as good as his singing and dancing which you actually had no clue about

at least until your old music teacher saw you volunteering at the middle school and watched some videos at you and you were just,,, in awe because he really became something amazing like you knew he would

you didn’t have any hard feelings over all - his parents often gave you updates about him since he did his best to send them some updates every now and then and it made you happy

you even enjoyed his music, often sending him a few encouraging messages even if they weren’t answered since he just needed to know you loved it too

your graduations fly by but by then the two of you have gotten new phones and numbers so you just hope he’s doing well

his mom tells you he is before you leave for uni and she even drops a few hints that he’s asked about you too so it makes you happy that he’s still thinking of you

she reacts a little funny when you tell her you’re going to seoul university but you brush it off since you were absolutely certain that hyunggu would wind up getting signed after high school but guess what??

you both wind up at the same university!!!!

you actually had no clue all that fall and winter quarter, only sparsely hearing about how knnovation was at the school but it slips your mind that this is kino aka your childhood friend hyunggu

until,,,,,

you’re both in music theory that spring!!!

he kinda ok really sucks LOL

it’s almost appalling how badly he’s doing in the class since he’s such a superstar in the underground music world but when you see him with his tufts of dark hair and the tip of his tongue at the corner of his mouth,,, you swear he looks familiar

you don’t really find out until a few weeks into the class that it’s him until the professors asks to see you and him after class

at that point where you finally get a good look at him and he gets a good look at you, you both recognize each other immediately

and you’re both like !!! “omg it’s you!!!”

the professor just laughs at you two and says “well it’s good thing you know each other!!” and he turns to you like “can you pls tutor him??”

hyunggu’s pretty sheepish about saying his grade but he looks at you pleadingly since you’re actually the top student in the class and you’re like “yeah ofc!!!”

so you both get reacquainted and shyly exchange info for studying

tbh this winds up being excuses to wander the city together and you attempting to explain certain concepts to him

he sorta gets it but he gets really distracted bc holy fuck you’re so cute and so sweet and he feels like crap for hardly messaging you back but you actually have no hard feelings and it makes him feel worse so you’re like !!! “ace the next quiz and i’ll forgive you”

and he gets really cutely determined and feels his heart singing like it did before he left you and in truth he kinda stopped responding to you bc he always got these weird fuzzies in his tummy and you consumed his mind a lot,,, it was really distracting

it wasn’t until he was older that he realized he really liked you and seeing you again reignited those feelings!!!!!!!

he invites u to his dance competitions and singing recitals and you go to like every single one with roses even tho he tells u not to but you’re like u never invited me to the ones in high school so i need to make up for lost time

and hearing that, makes him feel even more !!!!!!!!!

and anyway he winds up acing his exams with your help and his own determination to impress u

and in all that time of studying and getting reacquainted, you two have gotten so close, knowing each other’s lives like you were never separated,,, and he sees just amazing you are and how much it makes him never want to see you go

it also shows him just how much you’ve affected him because he’s reminded of those nights in high school where all he could about was you and how much he wanted to text you back and all that but he was scared

he heard horror stories about best friends falling out because one of them fell for the other and how drastically different things were

like even worse because it becomes painfully awkward and imagining a life like that with you?? hurt,,, a lot,,, so he just stayed away

he hoped the feelings would go away

and for a while they did but it was never enough for him to forget you or remember your phone number even when he’d get a new phone

each performance, he’d remember you there with a single rose and it’d always make him work harder

it was sort of his thank you to you for encouraging him and giving him strength to perform

one night you two are just hanging out watching some movies and you look over at him with this gorgeous twinkle in your eye and say, “i’m really glad that you’re in my life again, hyunggu”

and instead of responding, he kinda just leans in to kiss you but he’s about to pull back since ??? ‘@ me wyd!!!!’

but

tHEN

you kiss him

it’s really brief and quick but your lips are tingling and so are his

and when you pull away to say, “i’m really really really glad - god i’ve been dying to do that!” he gets so flustered and happy and he admits that he has too

of course, he’s a lil embarrassed that you did it first but he’s like “how abt a date then?”

you break out in a beautiful smile and agree before you cuddle in his arms and continue watching movies

just to really encapsulate your relationship with hyunggu, i just wanna say you two balance each other

he’s prone to overthinking and wondering if what he’s doing is ever good enough but you are always there to encourage and lend him some strength because you believe in him more than anyone in this entire world

and for you, you’re prone to overworking yourself because you want to have a good future and sometimes you tend to take on more than you can handle or you always strive for the best grade and sometimes you get so burnt out but then hyunggu’s there

he’s a sweet soul and he’ll always tell you to take it easy, sometimes taking you away from your desk just to have a break because those dark circles and your growling stomach are all telltale signs that You Need To Rest

he’ll even sing you a lullaby when you want to sleep but can’t and he can’t help but break out into a beautiful grin because you recognize it as a song he sang to you when you were in middle school

and he admits he wrote it for you

because next to giving him strength, you really motivated him to do better,,, you always have

him going to college wasn’t just something his parents suggested, but it was something that he knew even you would talk him into because of your value of education and working for something

he admits that you showed a lot and taught him a lot and it puts you in awe because even though he was really busy with his music,,, you were still on his mind

and honestly it makes you feel even more love for him because he’s truly a loving soul who only wants the best for people he cares about

it’s the night after finals when you’re exhausted and way too lazy to go anywhere but your dorm

he comes over and asks how they went and he laughs when you groan but open your arms up for his usual cuddles and as you both lay there, staring up at the ceiling for nothing in particular,,, you tell him,,,

“i love you”

it takes him by surprise because he’s thought of telling you and thought of the idea of loving you and it really struck him when it hits him that he really wouldn’t be where he was without you

he tells you that and as you’re at a loss of words, he presses his lips to your forehead and hums that song of yours and says “i love you too”

#kino x reader #kino scenario #kino fanfic #kino scenarios #kino fluff #hyunggu fluff #pentagon scenarios #pentagon fluff #pentagon fanfic #pentagon kino #emswriting

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needsmoresarcasm · 7 years

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The Definitive Totally Objective Ranking of Every One Direction Song

As the title says, this is a totally objective and absolutely not biased in any way* ranking of every 1D song recorded. Except like, not remixes or covers because that’s the line I drew in the sand and I’m sticking to it. I mean, it’s still ninety damn songs, so like, there’s enough there there. Anyway, let’s get to it. (Also, as a note, as always, I kinda view language as an impressionist painter would... up close these words might not mean anything, but if you take a step back the general feeling should be there.)

*I am lying.

90. Little Black Dress

1D has a pretty serious discography at this point. Five albums, all ridiculously overstuffed with deluxe, Target-exclusive, Japanese B-sides that must be collected by depositing $20 into the eager gullet of your nearest Sony executive. So like there’s a lot of songs. And not all of them are gems. So being last is a truly impressive feat of strength. But here “Little Black Dress” is. Little Black Dress is just a wall of noise. It’s a rock song written by someone whose only point of reference is a Kidz Bop cover album of the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack and then was recorded using GarageBand on a laptop in the middle of a construction site. It’s a truly meritless sonic attack, devoid of personality or melody. The best thing about it is that it clocks in at a mercifully brief 2:37.

89. Nobody Compares

Find Liam Payne in this song. Oh, what, you can’t? Because he’s literally not there? Like, at all? Like, not even kinda mixed in to the back of the chorus somewhere? Huh. Funny. Now on a totally unrelated point, Nobody Compares is a trash garbage dumpster fire.

88. Something Great

You see, the thing about Something Great is that it really shouzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

87. Gotta Be You

You know how I know there must be like mystical forces behind the power of 1D? They released this as their second single and the world didn’t immediately throw them into the abyss. A lot of 1D’s ballads are boring, but Gotta Be You is special because it is somehow both boring and also has one of the most grating choruses ever crafted. And most of Up All Night is shoddily produced, but it’s real noticeable on parts of Gotta Be You (see the very beginning of the second verse). And then they released a “US 2012″ version that is the exact same thing??? Except like Liam resang the line about making a mess on your innocence. BECAUSE REASONS.

86. Taken

Try singing Demi Lovato’s “Skyscraper” over “Taken.” It’s easy. Because they’re the same song. Except Skyscraper is significantly better. Taken is what happens when you ask the writers of Skyscraper to rewrite Skyscraper, except this time use even more cliches and make sure that there’s no discernible build anywhere in the entire song. It doesn’t help that the children singing are not actually very good at singing at this point. Like, Zayn whiffs at the beginning of the bridge. On the studio version. And I feel like that’s all that needs to be said, really.

85. Little Things

One Direction have a bad history with second singles. And Little Things is no difference. First, it is written by Ed Sheeran and like, every single one of them sounds like they’re trying to do their best Ed Sheeran impression. And none of them are great at it. Next, the lyrics are aggressively bad. No one should ever be forced to say any of the words that Harry and Liam are forced to say on this song. It’s a crime. But mostly, it’s the worst type of acoustic college dudebro song that should be banished forever from polite society, for the benefit of everyone who isn’t a nineteen year old white dude that’s finding himself.

84. Once In A Lifetime

With the pacing of a funeral dirge and the personality of your local DMV, Once In A Lifetime is a true stunner. I don’t know if the soft acoustic guitar or the barely audible whisper on all the vocals is more innovative, but man is this song exciting. At least, again, they seem to be fully aware of their worst songs and end this one after 2:38.

83. Night Changes

Was this a second single? I don’t remember. It sounds like a second single though. It’s got all the hallmark points of one: indistinct ballad, saccharine lyrics, and like the Glade plug-in air of romance to it. But Night Changes also manages to have the worst 1D music video as well. A video where they decided it’d be a good idea to split everyone up and then not have any of the hyena children antics. I call a do-over.

82. Spaces

Have you picked up on the theme of terrible 1D songs yet? It’s faceless ballads that would be better suited playing on repeat in my own personal hell than on a One Direction album. Like, if you’re gonna make a ballad as a vocal group, then at least serve me some lush harmonies to bask in. And like, the reason Spaces is better than all the ones before it is because it does that for exactly .5 seconds after the bridge when the beat drops out and there’s a delicious “oh spaces between us.” So thanks, Spaces, for not being totally worthless.

81. Same Mistakes

The only surprising thing about Same Mistakes is that it was not written and produced by Ryan Tedder.

80. Infinity

Honestly, I’m shocked that Infinity wasn’t the second single off of Made in the A.M. because it sounds exactly like it should’ve been. And like, comparing Infinity to Gotta Be You shows just how much better they got at singing and how much better their producers got at producing their voices. But like, it’s still a boring song, Jan, with a particularly bland chorus.

79. Temporary Fix

Temporary Fix is kinda the spiritual successor to No Control. But just like, much worse. The vocal tones are all poorly matched and both verses end up sounding like total messes. The chorus sounds like it might be interesting, but then quickly dissolves into a puddle of adult contemporary insipidness. And like, it’s just a lot of overproduced noise.

78. Illusion

This might be the worst chorus in 1D’s discography. It has actively mundane lyrics and sounds like the worst kind of Disney channel original movie song reject. It’s melodically repetitive and also hookless, a combination that defies sense. But like, the verses kinda bop, so the song isn’t the worst ever.

77. Home

So like, if I’m being real honest, I heard Home for the first (?) time when writing this list. And... I can’t say I’m ever going to be hearing it again. Harry’s falsetto is not a good sound here. The entire instrumental is a plodding disaster. The song sounds the exact same the entire time, but it also sounds like they stitched four separate songs together at the last minute. And how it manages to be both disjointed and boring is beyond me. But like, yikes.

76. Another World

Okay, so, objectively Another World is a terrible song. It kinda sounds like a song that would be playing in the background on a Japanese commercial for like some chocolate snack. And it also sounds like it was produced using only the preloaded Casio beats. But otherwise, it’s a hilarious relic from One Direction, a band that released B-sides in the year of our lord 2012.

75. Right Now

Oh, Right Now. What could’ve been. I actually quite like Right Now as a song. It hits that plaintive vibe pretty well. It builds well. It’s kinda an ideal pop midtempo song. But all the vocals on the studio version are tragic. (The live performances are significantly better. Which is not a thing I say about One Direction songs, ever.) Louis sounds like he’s both singing through his nose and chewing on sandpaper. Niall digs in to the most grating parts of his tone. Zayn’s falsetto sounds paper thin. Liam is barely hanging on to some of those higher notes. And, like, Harry actually acquits himself of the mess pretty well. But come. on.

74. I Wish

At this point, I harbor no resentment for any of these songs. But like, this song is just total album filler. It’s the most nothing a song could nothing. You could’ve replaced this song with any other song from any other artist on any other album and no one would’ve noticed. Because it’s the equivalent of the raspberry jelly beans in a packet of Jelly Bellies. Like fine, but no one’s looking out for it.

73. Stand Up

“Oh oh oh oh / so put your hands up / oh oh oh oh / cause it’s a stand up / and i won’t be leaving till i finish stealing every piece of your heart” is the greatest chorus written in the history of music. This song is a masterpiece, whose chorus is somehow dwarfed by the bridge: “And I will steal us a car / and we will drive to the stars / I will give you the moon / it’s the least I can do / if you give me the chance” where “chance” and “do” are written as a rhyme???? And then “I’m a thief / i’m a thief / i’m only here / i’m a thief / i’m a thief / because you stole my heart.” GOD, I should’ve ranked this song way higher. I regret this already.

72. Midnight Memories

Oh, Midnight Memories. The album where One Direction decided that they weren’t going to deliver pure pop jam after pure pop jam and were instead going to give me subpar rehashes of dated rock songs and modern folk tunes. Great. And like, Midnight Memories is probably the least inspired of all the subpar rock rehashes. But like, at least it gave us the fun anecdote about having the lyrics originally be “I love KFC,” which I think could’ve made for a deeper, more contemplative song, tbh.

71. Na Na Na

It’s another lovely B-Side, and you can tell once again by its middle school music project-level production quality (and the fact that Liam sings basically the whole song, the other stalwart pillar of 1D B-sides). And, as the great William Shakespeare once said, they were like na na na, then they were like yeah yeah yeah. But wait, here’s the twist, then they went na na na. I know, it’s really quite an emotional rollercoaster.

70. Diana

Basically all that stuff I said about Midnight Memories, again. Except this time about The Police. At least this has some fun 80s pop-style synth going on.

69. Love You Goodbye

Liam serves some serious vocals on the opening of this song. And honestly, that’s the entire reason this has managed to escape the lower echelon of this ranking. Because this is every bit as insipid as Infinity, except at least this kind of leans into it with the snare drum and the overly dramatic strings.

68. Happily

Oh hey, it’s the other type of song on Midnight Memories that drives me up the wall. I think when it first came out I called it Mumfordian riff raff, and that’s basically what I’m gonna stick with. It’s Mumfordian riff raff. And not a particularly good iteration of it. So, like, what’s the point. If you’re gonna trend hop, at least do it well.

67. Stockholm Syndrome

I really, really love Everybody Wants To Rule The World.

66. Why Don’t We Go There

This song might be incredibly generic, but it’s also great to just blast while driving down some empty highway that I have heard exists in places that are not Los Angeles. There are fun little oohs throughout the song, and so I can mostly overlook the fact that most of the instrumental to the song sounds like it was lifted out of the beginner level of a knock off Guitar Hero that couldn’t get licenses for any actual song.

65. Still The One

The Take Me Home bonus tracks are all certifiable jams. They’re hilarious and cheesy, but like unapologetically fun and totally unpretentious. No one told any of these tracks that they weren’t cool, so they just all do their own terrible Carlton dance in the street without apprehension. It’s beautiful. Still The One is bouncy and energetic and it doesn’t care that Niall and Louis definitely cannot hit the low note it asks them to because it’s just as certain as I am that no one ever listens to these songs. And that’s beautiful.

64. Ready To Run

The chorus of Ready To Run has the line “escape from the city” in it, which obligates me to mention the best video game song of all time: City Escape from Sonic Adventure Battle Fight Club 2: 2 Fast 2 Sonic. It’s not relevant to the song or this ranking, but do yourself a favor and jam out to it. Ready To Run is no City Escape, but it’s got some solid vocals and the lameness of the chorus doesn’t offend my core.

63. Magic

Another pop perfection Take Me Home bonus track that never should have made it out for public consumption but somehow managed to sneak out and thank god for it. I want someone to hunt Harry Styles down and ask him to sing this song. Do you think any of them even remember that this song exists? If you played this song for them, would they have any recollection of recording it? Does this song even exist?

62. Walking In The Wind

Not to state the obvious, but this song is just wonderfully light and breezy. Louis’s verse is impeccably delivered and the song manages to draw a more resonant sound out of his voice than usual. And that would elevate the song even higher if the bridge didn’t sound so horrifically strained the whole time. But you know, you can only have so many wins in one song.

61. A.M.

A.M. isn’t great, but its placing at the end of their last album is one of their better tracklisting calls. Everyone shows up to play vocally and the choruses have some well crafted vocal arrangements. It’s simple. And it feels like a somewhat dignified send off for the band. I don’t know. I’m not made of stone, people.

60. Truly Madly Deeply

Once I got over the fact that this wasn’t going to be a Savage Garden cover, I appreciated Truly Madly Deeply for just really going all in on the sappiness. (Really though, these Take Me Home bonus tracks feel like they were all imagined for a different band. A better band. A band that would be fueled solely by the hopes and dreams of the innocent.) It’s all just such a wonderfully boyband-y affair.

59. Irresistible

Listen, the video I had to watch in order to listen to this song had an annotation that said “PLEASE READ MY HARRY FANFIC ON WATTPAD” and I feel like that really sums up the essence of this song better than I can. It’s Jamie asking people watching her youtube video in 2012 to please read her Harry fanfic on Wattpad. And like, there’s a unique charm to that.

58. I Want To Write You A Song

The difference in the vocals from their early ballads to this song is ridiculously stark. Like comparing this to Taken sounds like two entirely different groups of people. Those verses are just like a wonderful, rich, warm honey. (... we’ll just ignore the chorus.) But just like, don’t pay attention to the sound of the pencil writing in the background because once you hear it, you’ll never unhear it. *glass shatters* Oh, uh, sorry?

57. No Control

No Control is here solely on the shoulders of one of the best fanworks ever created. Do yourself a favor and watch it.

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56. Story Of My Life

Here’s another 1D foray into the seedy underworld of the Lumineers & friends. It’s not the worst thing ever, and like, it smashed pretty hard so at least it has that going for it. And the music video is pretty great, like gj Ben Winston. But also the radio version for this song cut out Liam’s part in the second verse and I’m forever angry and bitter about it, because that’s the best part of the song. ... huh, do I even like this song? I feel like maybe I am learning that this should’ve been ranked ~20 spots lower.

55. Best Song Ever

This basically sounds like all their other lead singles, so let’s not waste any time talking about it as a song. (That’s not entirely true, it’s the only song where I am actively anxious about Liam whiffing a note.) Instead, let’s talk about the amazing music video it produced that actually forced all of them to “act.” And like, just do ridiculous things generally. And made it abundantly clear that they’re somehow the most boyband-y boyband to ever boyband but also totally unfit to do anything a boyband does. It’s a theatrical masterpiece that should’ve been eligible in the short film category of the Oscars.

54. End Of The Day

I remain convinced that End of the Day was two separate songs that they merged into one. Because the verses and choruses are totally unrelated to each other. But I’m okay with that, because both halves are great. And so it might not be a Reese’s Cup where two things blend together to make an even greater whole, it’s at least a tub of Neapolitan ice cream where the separate parts are delicious and don’t detract from each other. Am I hungry? I might be hungry.

53. Act My Age

If you were in Portland and walked into an Irish pub at like 1:45AM and then just started yelling, you would probably end up composing Act My Age. Like it’s just a lot of yelling, and there isn’t a whole lot of musicality happening. And I’m not entirely sure at any point during the creation of this song did anyone stop and think, “is this a good idea?” But like, that’s the point. That’s the whole point. And if you can’t appreciate a little sloppy fun, then maybe you shouldn’t have gone to a pub at 1:45 AM. That seems like it’s on you.

52. I Want

THIS IS GREAT. Because this is totally the “rock” song on Up All Night. And just typing that sentence out is hilarious to me. It’s very baby’s-first-rock-song, and there’s a real charm about that. But the best part of I Want is the staging of the live performances during their first tour. The ridiculous dinner party set up and all of them dressing up in formal-ish wear and like the ridiculous video they played. It was wonderful. They should’ve kept doing that.

51. Hey Angel

Much like A.M., Hey Angel on its own is not that great of a song. But also like A.M., its placement on the album makes it so much better. It’s kind of the perfect album opener for Made in the AM. It’s got that super lush instrumental opening and those epic layered backing vocals throughout. It’s like their producers said, “hey, we learned how to do our job and now we’re going to show it all off at once.” And then they did. It establishes the slightly-more-grown-up pop sound that MITAM just nails.

50. You & I

The chorus of You & I embodies the sweeping pseudo-romance that every sappy pop ballad attempts to be. And like, man does You & I really nail it. It soars just enough to make me almost forget some of the downright terrifying body horror-level of animorphs shit that the music video wrought upon my eyes. Also like, Zayn goes off at the end of the song, and not just on the high note. He hits some of his best runs on those adlibs and it’s money.

49. Loved You First

God. Take Me Home is a great album. Even the forgettable bonus tracks are pure pop perfection. They just like dig their elbows all the way into the soft bubblegum beats that have been churned out of some faceless stainless steel factory just for them. And it just carves out that perfect One Direction niche, a pop sound so ubiquitous that literally no one else even comes close to it.

48. Rock Me

“Do you remember summer ‘09,” One Direction asks me. Oh yes, summer ‘09, when Harry Styles was 15 and like, I don’t know, doing trigonometry homework? Maybe Louis was like, hanging out with his buddies at Starbucks drinking those coffee-free Frappuccinos? There were probably lots of cartoons involved? Come on, kids, I hope to god that was not the “best time of your life.” During summer ‘09, I was being an adult and obsessively following Twitter updates of the tour of a reality singing TV show competition. Get on my level. (This song is great and I love it for letting Niall and Liam take lead on the chorus / refrain.)

47. Live While We’re Young

I gotta say, I am surprised at how much I like Live While We’re Young. I kind of always assume it’s boring when I think about it. But then I listen to it, and Zayn is telling me that we’ll keep doing what we do, just pretending that we’re cool, and I am inspired all over again. The song is just like distilled energy, and all the vocals are so crisp and poppy and the guitar is bouncing the whole time, and I just like- someone give me an inflatable banana to hit Liam Payne with.

46. Everything About You

This song is almost painful for me to listen to because it reminds me of the EURODANCE TRASH POP BAND THAT COULD’VE BEEN. The entire song is great, but during the breakdown, when they pull out the beat, and then bring it back in, and then there are those fire falsetto adlibs. God, this song is so slick and brilliant, and they could’ve gone down this path. In another timeline, they went down this path.

45. Strong

This song gets some points just for giving me some of Liam’s lower register (even if it’s approximately six notes total). That’s the real crime of One Direction, ignoring Liam’s incredible lower register. I’m all here for a ballad that you can kinda just scream along to in the shower, and that’s what Strong gives me. It’s a great hairbrush song (I say, as a person who does not own a hairbrush).

44. Steal My Girl

That opening piano for Steal My Girl is iconic. Or like, it should be iconic. Every set from every pop star ever should start with that intro. If that doesn’t get you hyped, nothing does. Like you just know whatever comes next is going to deliver. And, like, Steal My Girl kind of delivers after that. It’s not a total let down. And it gave us Anna Kendrick throwing down with John Krasinski while wearing a shirt silkscreened with a picture of Emily Blunt.

43. She’s Not Afraid

Wow, no song has ever said party on a beach quite like this one. I don’t entirely know what it is, but it’s undeniably beach-y. And like, this is not a song concerned with petty things like moderation or dynamics, it’s all about just going as hard as possible for one hundred and ninety seconds and I could not be more down for that ride. It’s also a song that manages to preserve and utilize Harry’s tone nearly perfectly in that first verse and then gives me Liam harmonizing with himself in one of the most pleasing symphonic moments of 1D’s discography.

42. Last First Kiss

There’s something incredible simplistic about the writing of Last First Kiss, which is unsurprising given that it’s one of the first songs that the 1D members had any actual writing input on. But it’s also really sweet and heartwarming in its simplicity. And sure, I’d rather just like send that second verse into a void, but there’s some real magic happening in the choruses. And that breakdown is just gooey falsetto candy.

41. If I Could Fly

Let me start off by saying that If I Could Fly is a bad song. Everything about it is super boring and bland and I mostly want to never listen to it. But, like, it’s also the single best vocal arrangement on any One Direction song ever. Which puts me in a bind when ranking it. So we’ve ended up solidly in the middle. Because man, for as much as I am bored by the song, the vocal arrangement and production are incredible. First, both Louis and Niall give their best vocal performances on this song. Louis gets to really tap into the natural rasp of his voice in a way that’s lovely and warm. And Niall’s voice has a richness to it that I wasn’t aware it was capable of. But then in the way the harmonies build throughout the choruses, and the way the lines switch back and forth between each person. And then the trade offs at the bridge and in the breakdown. It’s absurdly well put together, and thoughtful and it makes this group seem like an actual vocal band. But like, the song is aural Lunesta.

40. Alive

There’s an audacity to this song that absolutely should not work, but somehow does. Like, this is not a sound that works for One Direction, but through sheer force of conviction, they’ve managed to pull off this one song. Liam alone goes through like nineteen different vocal tones as he shifts from grit to rock to breathy to smooth. It’s a song that sort of bounces off all surfaces when it blares through speakers and just vibrates through your body. And somehow it goes through this journey in under three minutes.

39. Fool’s Gold

Fool’s Gold feels like it’s just gliding along the clouds bathed in sunlight the entire time. I get that it’s lyrically kind of sad and desperate, but it sounds so goddamn sweet and romantic and for a song about fool’s gold, maybe that’s fitting. The verses twist and turn effortlessly, and the choruses are just pure vocal bombast. And all of it comes together in a digestible caramel-filled truffle of pure bliss.

38. Save You Tonight

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37. Clouds

This song is like a shot of adrenaline straight into the bloodstream. It constantly drives forward with overblown production and effects everywhere and at one point I’m pretty sure they just dump the song into the middle of a Star Trek soundboard and go to town. And I’m totally okay with all of that because adding a few caffeine pills to Four is only ever going to be a good thing.

36. Summer Love

I also kind of hate Summer Love. It’s incredibly treacly and the bad kind of cheesy. And honestly, the studio version is mostly terrible. But the live performances of the song throughout the Take Me Home tour are everything. And the song that gave me Liam belting out and then harmonizing with Zayn in one of the most impressive displays of vocal ability in 1D history needs to get some credit. Just like, be impressed with me.

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35. I Should’ve Kissed You

I have a lot of true pop trash favorites from One Direction’s discography, but I think I Should’ve Kissed You is my absolute trash favorite. It’s the stupidest of their B-Sides, and thus the best one. Like, Liam and Harry do this fun back and forth on the first prechorus and then Liam and Zayn do it on the second prechorus, and I’m just really here for any song that makes it sound like they’re singing to each other about their eyes. This is an absurdly fun song and if you haven’t heard it because you don’t live for B-Sides released six years ago, then you should hunt it down immediately because it will transform your life. It’ll be like the Giver, you’ll see colors and shit that you didn’t know existed. (That was The Giver, right? I’m pretty sure that’s what happened in The Giver; the main character couldn’t see color, then this old guy played I Should’ve Kissed You for him, and then he could see color and like, wrote it down or some shit.)

34. Half A Heart

Half A Heart isn’t a total sewer rat of a song, but it’s not like great. But once more, a single great moment in the song elevates the entire thing. In the last chorus, Liam sings two separate harmonies, one which is played through the left channel and one which is played through the right channel, and that’s like the best thing 1D’s producers have ever done. I like have waited for them to repeat that but it just hasn’t happened and I demand to know why.

33. C’mon C’mon

One Direction rarely gives me the dance pop that I want, so when they do I really have to savor it. C’mon C’mon is like the exact kind of middle-of-the-road dance pop that my heart desires from this band. The vocal production is kinda breathy and overly slick, and it’s just a great affair. I mean, the fact that Liam doesn’t have a solo and I still think it’s great basically says everything. (But like, also makes it significantly worse than another song...)

32. They Don’t Know About Us

I love me some piano pop ballads. And like, this really leans into it with the wonderful tinkling piano that plinks through the whole song. It’s just like such a genuinely youthful song that is so gleefully exuberant that it’s hard not to get swept up with it. It bites down with the defiance of an unruly kitten and that’s just something I need more of in my life.

31. Don’t Forget Where You Belong

If They Don’t Know About Us grew up to become a college student, you’d get Don’t Forget Where You Belong. It’s somewhat more mature, but still far away from being a fully formed human. The way that the song just swells up through the bridge and then recedes back into that wonderful boom-boom-clap breakdown is gorgeous. And the bit of the second verse with Harry and Liam harmonizing is an aural delight. And there are just so many more small moments like that, where someone has a small vocal frill that gives the song a shade more replay value than your average 1D ballad.

30. Over Again

So, I like basically all of the Ed Sheeran-penned 1D songs (minus Little Things, which remains an abomination sea creature abyss monster). There’s just a deftness to the melodic construction that is more interesting than the average 1D ballad. And yeah, usually there’s a whiff or two in some of the solos (as there is here), but overall it’s a great, simple ballad that brings out a lot of the really nice softer tones of their vocals. (... and Liam kinda kills this song.)

29. Olivia

This might be a blatant grab at a Beatles song, but is there anything wrong with that? Shouldn’t more songs be blatant grabs at the Beatles?? Especially if they’re going to be this fun and boppy? Olivia just bounces along without a care in the world, and comes with some serious vocal firepower from all sides. That rapid fire cadence in the verses drives the pacing of an otherwise meandering melody. And man, those low notes can almost be described as showy, a rarity in One Direction’s discography.

28. Moments

For some reason, Moments comes with a lot of nostalgia for me, even more than the average Up All Night track. Something about it is inextricably sketched into the fabric of 2012 and will always bring me back there. It’s easily the best all around vocal song on all of their first album, which is too often defined by botched vocal production. It gets the various tones and breaks in everyone’s voice and utilizes those things as assets, not liabilities. And they somehow managed to turn that chorus into a larger-than-life chant that could literally fill stadiums. And like, that’s some power.

27. 18

So, while I like the Ed Sheeran songs, they’re all still very much Ed Sheeran songs. You can just hear how Ed Sheeran must’ve phrased the song on the demo because that’s exactly how all of the band delivers it on the record. Except for 18. On 18, we get some of the intricate melodies of an Ed Sheeran song, except with the musical personalities of the actual members of the band. They sort of figured out their own vocal identities and managed to wrest some of the vocal quirks away from Sheeran and into Payne/Tomlinson/Styles/Horan/Malik. And like, I enjoyed getting to witness that evolution in real time.

26. Wolves

Is “jaunty” a word people can use to describe music? Because Wolves is downright jaunty. Like, if you’re not chair grooving throughout the entire song, then there may be something medically wrong with you. It’s carefree and breezy and also comes with a supersized side of twists and turns to keep things fresh. Every damn solo brings a delightful new vocal delivery that just adds an extra layer of awesome to the song. Like seriously, every damn solo uses a different texture or has some offbeat cadence or something and it’s a smorgasbord of bubbly fun.

25. Up All Night

For all the criticisms lobbed against One Direction for being generic and manufactured, it’s hard to find another pop act that was delivering this slice of bubblegum pop in 2011. Which isn’t to say that 1D was producing original, groundbreaking music, but they were definitely filling a niche that had been left wide open since like the early 2000s when the last wave of bubblegum pop acts peaked. And Up All Night like burrows itself right into the middle of that bubblegum pop sound that just nestles into your ears and fizzes with bright, unabashedly catchy hooks. And like, we should all be so thankful that it does.

24. Girl Almighty

“Let’s have another toast to the girl almighty,” they bellow and you know they mean it, because they’re surrounded by a sea of mostly teenage girls that built an empire on blood, sweat, and feels. This is the sort of anthem that is a solid record in the studio, but really comes alive when blasted in a stadium and belted amidst the bone-crushing, world-ending power of the fandom that built House Direction. A power that can bend reality to make sense of a light as loud as as many ambulances as it takes to save a savior.

23. Back For You

This song is total musical whiplash, as it jumps from one big hooky line to the next big hooky line, in search of the perfect earworm. Every line of this song is the catchiest line on the album. And each word somehow vibrates with even more energy and electricity than the last. And like, it just doesn’t stop. It’s bursting and effervescent and every second of it should be cherished like the goddamn gem it is.

22. Perfect

“Perfect” is definitely just Taylor Swift’s “Style” with a slightly different melody. But “Style” is a jam and a half, and so I’m down with Perfect. It’s the perfect song to belt out at the top of your lungs while serving just a little bit more attitude than the lyrics of the song actually call for. Like, it’s a song that wants to make “baby I’m perfect” into a biting insult. But mostly, it’s a song that includes the line “if you’re looking for someone to write your breakup songs about, baby I’m perfect” and that’s the best line written into a 1D song.

21. Through The Dark

In the Mumfordineers Folk Hunger Games, Through The Dark is the victor. Because Through The Dark is an actually fantastic song that takes the swoopy melodies and the jangly banjos and the trawling percussion of the genre and uses them for good, not evil. It’s a decidedly sturdy, not quirky, song with some lush vocal arrangements and tight production. It is a vocal delight from start to finish with some pretty lovely harmonies and some killer adlibs towards the end.

20. Tell Me A Lie

Top 20 is serious business time, where all these songs are masterpieces in one way or another. And Tell Me A Lie is just another goddamn gem of a pop song. We get the first sense of the power of Zayn’s voice on the chorus here, a nice hint of the tour de force yet to come. And Liam hits all the most perfect boybander inflections, down to the breaths. The beat never stops and the vocals are always up to the task and the entire song is an example of what can be accomplished with a lot of fire and a little talent.

19. Does He Know?

First of all, everything about the lyrics of this song is amazing, and I will not entertain any conversation to the contrary. The absurdity of this band singing any of these words halfway between swagger and sincerity is great. And the entire song has the cadence of a pixie sticked-up child on a pogo stick, and that’s the kind of bounciness I’m looking for. But also, have you heard Liam’s voice? Namely, the absurd number of textures he hits on his various solos and harmonies here. He’s Mystique, but for voices. ... so, like, a voice actor, I guess.

18. Long Way Down

Speaking of Liam Payne’s voice. There’s something just personally satisfying about getting to hear him belt out for forty seconds on the melody of the song. He carries a lot of harmonies throughout 1D’s 89 other songs, but here every member sings entirely solo. And for Liam, that means carrying a melody and really going for the throat, throwing the real gravity of his voice around like a damn wrecking ball to my emotions.

17. Kiss You

Alright. I’ve described a lot of 1D’s songs as energetic or bouncy or whatever. But this, this is the pure concentrated shit. This is the shit that you can only buy after signing a waiver. This is the shit they keep locked behind the counter, that you have to ask for. Pound for pound, this song has more energy than any other song on earth. If scientists could figure out how to harness the power of this sun, we would solve all of our world’s greatest problems. The song is turned up to 11 the entire time, and no one is mad about it, because it’s just a fantastic song. The chorus itself has like three separate hooks in it; the prechorus is a hook on its own; the verses move at a breakneck pace. Just like, blast this a few times a day and you’ll be able to forgo your daily workout routine.

16. Where Do Broken Hearts Go

And once I got over the fact that this was not a Whitney Houston cover, I was able to enjoy One Direction’s best attempt at arena rock. This is the kind of stadium-filling rock sound that fits a pop band. Where Do Broken Hearts Go is impossibly big and bombastic and has just enough hard edges to break through the roar of an audience. But it keeps a lot of the vocal pop flourishes that keep the song believable delivered by a band that grew up in the circuits of a drum machine.

15. Change My Mind

I’m sure this song has verses and a bridge and like other parts. I’m sure it does. It must. It’s a song. I can see that it is longer than twenty seconds long. But, are we sure it’s longer than twenty seconds? Can we be entirely sure there’s anything other than Liam’s deliciously clear falsetto on the first chorus? Because that’s a divine musical experience with few rivals. The ridiculous control and clarity throughout the entire chorus, and the crispness of the tone and the certainty of the delivery. It’s a pure and magical chorus that should be enshrined in a museum somewhere, preserved for future generations of children to halfheartedly look at and shuffle past in boredom like all truly spectacular art.

14. More Than This

As far as pure ballads go, More Than This basically is as good as it gets. The melody of the song is so much more carefully constructed than anything else on their first album that I almost feel like they fell backwards into it. And yeah, the vocals on the studio version suffer many of the problems common to the Up All Night tracks, the merit of the song is enough to keep the whole endeavor afloat. And mostly, their later live performances showed that it was a song that they were more than capable of growing into. But More Than This is a genuinely sweet song that just hits all the right notes.

13. I Would

One Direction might not have a solid grasp of the subjunctive mood, but they certainly understand a hook. Because like, WOULD HE SAY HE’S IN L-O-V-E BECAUSE IF IT WAS ME THEN I WOULD. I mean, what? Where was I? I don’t know. Because I’m making the mistake of listening to this song while writing about it, and unfortunately the only thing I can do while listening to this song is belt out the chorus. Because this is an endlessly danceable song and grooves so hard and is all the fun.

12. Little White Lies

The first nineteen seconds of this song have some of my favorite production effects of the entirety of Midnight Memories. I like that while most of Midnight Memories veered into folk/rock, Little White Lies just sat there and was like, fuck y’all, I’m gonna frolic in some dance pop. And again, I love my dance pop. There’s a goddamn drop on the chorus, and it’s everything I could’ve asked for in a One Direction song. Heck, it’s more than I would’ve dreamed of asking for. Everything about that beat just pulses through you; you’re forced to feel the song in your core. And damnit, that’s exactly what I’m here for.

11. Fireproof

Fireproof is almost quaint in its simplicity. But like, it’s not one of those sparse acoustic guitar ballads that plagues bad Youtube cover songs. It’s lush and full and has an undeniable energy pulsing through it. Each solo is steady and assured, and somehow each seems to be pitched in the sweet spot of each member’s vocal range. And then, when there are harmonies, they’re identifiable in a way that One Direction harmonies hardly ever are. And they’re not drowned out by noise. The song is just like the best meal you’ve ever had, but not because of any fancy recipe, it’s just got like the best individual ingredients possible.

10. Change Your Ticket

Change Your Ticket starts with some weird spaceship noises and then only improves. The prechorus is fun and bouncy and then the chorus carves itself a solid groove and rocks back and forth in that pocket. And like most of One Direction’s best songs, it’s right in the center of their sound, instead of being some weird facsimile of something else. I don’t know, this just feels like what they should be singing and writing about and how they should be singing and writing about it. There’s the genuineness of a twenty year old multimillionaire in there.

9. History

So while AM might’ve been a great finisher for the album, History is the true closer in every sense. Their last single, music video, and song. And everything about it is perfect. The You’ve-Got-A-Friend vibe is the perfect vibe to go for. The ode to the fanbase that built them. The weird sentiment that acknowledges that this band has a damn history behind it. The production that makes it basically seem like a live recording, complete with an audience sing along. It’s just a lovely song that delivers on all of its promises and there’s nothing more I could’ve asked for, really.

8. Heart Attack

If you haven’t listened to Heart Attack in a while, do yourself a favor and listen to Heart Attack. It’s the most singable of a slew of immensely singable choruses. The OW! alone is worth the price of admission. The verses and prechorus are playful and like almost conversational. And then the chorus is this stew of oohs and aahs and it’s all ear candy. And like, OW! COME ON. Just like, scream OW! a few hundred times with me and you’ll understand.

7. What Makes You Beautiful

Ah, the song that started it all. There’s a reason that What Makes You Beautiful was a gigantic global smash and ignited the 21st century’s most popular vocal group. It’s fucking magical. Everything about it came together to make the world’s most digestible pop song, and then they filmed a music video that showed the world’s most digestible pop band. And like, there you go, mega international smash hit. But like for as global and digestible as the song is, it’s also brimming with the band’s personality. It doesn’t take itself too seriously and it’s incredibly fun and a little messy. And, y’know, great.

6. Drag Me Down

Have I ever been more hyped than when One Direction dropped this fucking bombshell on me randomly at midnight one day? Has my heart ever stopped faster than when Liam tweeted some shit about their new single? No. The answer is no. The release of Drag Me Down caught me by surprise and then proceeded to grab hold of my brain and imprint all over it. Drag Me Down is definitely One Direction in 2015, which is starkly different from One Direction in 2011. And like, that’s a good thing. It still doesn’t take itself too seriously and incredibly fun and a little messy, but this time it was also a little more confident. Less smiling at the ground, more telling people to step off. And like, still a huge, poppy bop.

5. Better Than Words

What happens when you combine a hugely catchy pop song, a fun lyrical conceit, and a ton of Liam Payne’s vocals? Better Than Words. A song that pleases both the ears and the wit. There’s something about the simplicity of using song titles throughout a song. And then the chorus explodes with an actual hook, and packs some musical merit behind that clever idea. And then Liam kind of just goes off, using the song as a vocal playground for his falsetto and his chest voice and everything in between. And it’s impossible to not grin at the whole thing.

4. What A Feeling

In the top 4, every song is #1 in my heart. What A Feeling is a goddamn masterpiece. One Direction like actually created this legitimately excellent piece of pop music. It is so perfectly produced that I almost don’t know what to say. It just creates this entire atmospheric vibe that envelops the entire song and gives it that dream-like quality. And the vocals are all so smooth and airy and float seamlessly along the melodies. When that sound really fills out in the chorus, the song goes from dreamy to transcendental and it’s a damn journey.

3. One Thing

What Makes You Beautiful might’ve been the song that catapulted 1D to superstardom, but I’m like fairly certain One Thing is actually the song that crystallized the fanbase. Because One Thing, in so many ways, feels like the essence of 1D. The most 1D thing to ever 1D. As a song, it’s not all that different from WMYB, but just like even more carefree about the whole ordeal. It’s a big, hooky pop song with a loud chorus. But the One Thing music video, which is just One Direction rolling through the streets of London, jumping over each other in only somewhat matched clothing and generally following no discernible script basically became the image of 1D. They are stupid and goofy and individualized in a way that has since become synonymous with the band. It’s a great song and a better video.

2. Never Enough

Everything about this song is insane. It has vocal doo wops the entire time. It has weird grunting. It has like a weird honking sound. It has screaming. It has all sorts of absurdly messy adlibs. And I totally love all of it. Every damn part of it. The verses have this rapid fire delivery that builds momentum. And the prechoruses have this funky groove to them. And the chorus explodes. And like, the whole time Liam is just doing the most. There are adlibs and harmonies and melodies and backing vocals and then also that totally unhinged Michael Jackson build. The song presents itself as a cavalcade of insanity and Liam’s vocal abilities. And it’s just like the most fun.

1. Stole My Heart

I need justice for Stole My Heart, the One Direction dance pop anthem of my dreams. Mostly, I need justice for Liam’s vocals on this song. I don’t entirely know what direction the producer gave Liam on this song, but I have to assume it was something to the effect of “fucking kill it.” Because he fucking kills it. He’s super breathy and airy and light but somehow still incredibly controlled and tight. And it’s like his voice was made for dance pop, even though we have 89 other songs in which he never sounds like this ever again. Because the world is the WORST. And yeah, okay, so he’s basically the only one who sings on the song, but that’s okay. Because did you hear him on it??? Stole My Heart is the single greatest human achievement of the 21st century and I just want that to be recognized.

There you go. That’s the ranking. Feel free to disagree! But like, know that you’re wrong.

#one direction #ranking #none of these words make any sense

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