#tbc i am not going to grad school BUT i did just see what i was charged and i want to die

[appleciders]

maybe i should go to grad school (<- girl who only wants the student plan for the adobe suite again)

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

June 28, 2021

Well, it's been a few years since I wrote anything here. Mostly because these past few years have been an absolute whirlwind. My last post ended with Sean and I almost becoming official. Well, last week we had our 3 year anniversary together. Time flies.

Since my last post, I got accepted into the biotechnology program, for which I am forever grateful for. The program is very, very difficult and was the most mentally and emotionally taxing thing I had ever done up until that point. Being in class from 8:30am-4:30pm everyday with only 1 hour lunch break was rough. 6 to 7 classes a term was rough. Having a never ending midterm season was rough. But it was worth it. I made some amazing friends who I will hopefully have for the rest of my life. I gained some amazing lab skills and had some amazing opportunities. And best of all, I can actually see an end goal for my career. I don't know exactly what it will look like yet, but I know I want to be working on research in some sort of management position. Maybe not for forever, but for some time at least.

First year at BCIT was rough. Hard adjustments, lots of work and figuring out our class dynamic. But I came out of it stronger, knowing more about what I could do and how to succeed. Sean and I went through a rough patch in November of our first year together. His best friend from high school, whom he had feelings for for most of the time in school with her, was breaking up with her boyfriend of 5 years and basically went to Sean and said "I said no in the past but if you asked me now, I would say yes." And he doesn't know what to do so all he can do is come and tell me about it. And of course this happens on my birthday. So what do I do for my 18th birthday? Cry all night long. Yea, it was fun. It takes him a week to decide to choose us. Pretty rough but in the end it makes us stronger, especially since she comes around again in a year (but I'll get to that). After that Christmas, things change again. We were happy and then suddenly we stopped texting. Because of my schedule, we could only see each other once a week on Fridays. Everything was fine when we were together but during the week, everything felt empty and wrong. It took us until April to finally talk about it - I even wrote a letter about being upset that he's never read. But we finally talk about it and we figure out that we need to talk more and so we start calling each other. From then on, we try to discord each night and it has done us well.

After my first year at BCIT, I land my first co-op job in the Hancock Lab. I didn't think I was going to get a job at that point but I was so glad that I did. We did some really cool stuff with pseudomonas where we screened mutants for biofilm defects and tested biofilm growth in anaerobic conditions. I got to present my first poster at CBR Research Day. The lab pre-covid is amazing. Susan bought us beer and pizza and sushi every Friday and over the course of the summer, the drinking of the beer would start earlier and earlier (5pm at the beginning, all the way up till 2pm by the end of the summer). I had a great time in the lab and learned a lot.

My second year at BCIT was rough too. The workload got even worse that first term and I'm pretty sure we all hit our lowest lows. Just surviving became the name of the game and we did it well. Despite that, we had time to go play volleyball and support Josie's badminton tournament and fool around playing ultimate and snowball fights. We had some amazing memories and we didn't realize how fast time would fly until it was almost over.

And then Covid-19 hit. Assumed to be transferred from some sort of animal to humans in a Chinese wet market, racism and violence against Asians skyrocketed, just as the world shut down. Our last month at BCIT was canceled right before our eyes and we never got to celebrate finishing and surviving. Instead, classes went to online lectures and exams went to online formats and we stopped being able to see friends or go out or do anything really. Restaurants and attractions were shut down, maximum capacities and masks enforced and uncertainty everywhere. Talks for vaccines were hopeful, but I was skeptical about anything being ready until 2021. And I was right. As of today, all of us in the family have 1 dose of Moderna, although Mom is to get her second dose next week. Things are slowly opening up (provincial travel bans were lifted and movie theaters opened 2 weeks ago!) They're talking about what a post-covid world will look like, and I think everyone is grateful. In some ways, we lost a year and a half of our lives to this virus.

After finishing my time at BCIT, I was hoping to do a 4 month co-op placement abroad. Nothing of my applications turned out, but given covid, all travel ended up being restricted anyways. Not only that, there were no co-op jobs as every company in the world faced very uncertain economic and social times. I ended up taking April and May off and worked June and July at Collingwood again. Camp was different (lots of pool noodles and yoga mats) but in some ways, very much the same. I was grateful.

Despite the continued uncertainty of the next school year in a pandemic world, I was lucky to have the connections with the Hancock lab to allow me to do a full 8 month Honours Thesis with them. I took 4 classes per term on top of that and took them in the bioinformatics room on my laptop so I could be in the lab for the rest of the day. And boy, was I always there. 9am starts to 7pm finishes were not uncommon. Plus the 1.5 hour commute each way. Things were not easy. I thought BCIT was hard. 4th year at UBC trumps BCIT, easy. I was always stressed and strung out, I was constantly having to miss classes to do experiments (thank God for recordings) and at times, basic things refused to work (bacterial plating will be the death of me yet). The mandatory classes were all crappy and each have their own story that I may have to tell another time, but needless to say, I was not having a good time. I'm glad I made the effort to do an 8 month project, and in a way Covid made it both easier and harder. Easier because everything was recorded so my schedule was flexible (although I did my best to try to attend most lectures synchronously). Harder because I was in the lab more than I should have been and it meant some of my school work was compromised (thank God for Nabeel inviting me to his CHBE group). I survived, but I don't think I would have been able to go on much longer. Thank God for co-op and 8 months away from school.

In January, we were all on the hunt for co-op positions. Amazingly, I was super popular, scoring 6 different interviews of the 12 different applications I put in. I never got a Zymeworks invite though, which made me a little disappointed. But I think it worked out for the better because it meant I was more open when I was calling with Michelle. Meeting with Ting and Julien, we hit it off right away. I never get nervous for interviews and because of that, I feel like I'm really good at covering and clicking with interviewers. I asked lots of good questions and we were all laughing during that 1 hour interview. I got a call 2 days later from Michelle telling me I had gotten the job and I was so excited. It was the perfect fit. The chance to do more cell culture. The chance to do some research. The chance to maybe be hired on after grad. Working now, I feel really grateful for the opportunity. The company is a little odd, but our little CPD bubble is great to be a part of and I hope that one day we can make a difference.

I bought my first car on my first day of work - a 2012 Mazda 3 Hacthback with only 105k km. He's black and I've run him into the curb a few times, but he still looks super shiny (despite getting shat on within the first hour of being home) and I love him very much. The freedom of having my own car is amazing.

So why am I posting now? Well, I've been having some doubts and I needed a place to write it all out and I remembered this Tumblr. Reading back my old posts is a little sad because I started this Tumblr because I was sad. Things have been so much better in the last few years so I haven't been around. And make no mistake, I am so much happier than I was back then. But I've always learned while writing, so here I am to learn about myself and my feelings.

TBC

[how-could-i-do-this]

A Mind at Work (Part 1)

Summary: Alexander is a dick. Angelica and Thomas bond by comforting Eliza. 

Pairing: Angelica Schuyler x Thomas Jefferson 

 A/N: Party on. 

Somehow, the whole campus knew. Alexander hadn't thought that many people even knew who he was, yet he was getting glares from almost everyone he walked past. He knew he had fucked up, and he told Eliza. She was devastated, and he was kicked out of their apartment. Indefinitely. 

 Angelica knew. Eliza had called her the minute Alexander had left.

"Liza? What's wrong? It's like..." She squinted in the direction of her alarm, shoving her latest conquest out of the way, "It's 7:00 here. Why are you still up?" The Frenchman next to her groaned and rolled over. What had his name been? Something too long to remember. 

"Ange, I really wish you were here." 

"What happened?"

"Alex cheated on me." That was all it took. 

Angelica left her room in the care of her new friend -Lafayette, he said his name was- and took the next flight home. 

Thomas knew. Eliza was one of the nicest students he had ever worked with, and they still got coffee occasionally. Alexander, on the other hand, was someone he couldn't put up with for more than a few minutes. It didn't help that they had classes together, and they couldn't seem to agree on anything. 

Thomas didn't understand how Alexander even had time for a partner. Grad school was his life, but Alexander somehow managed to juggle the same amount of work, a relationship, and (apparently) someone on the side. Thomas had never been cheated on, but he figured heartbreak was universal, and it deserved food. 

"Let's see... no, that's not nearly enough tomatoes," Thomas muttered to himself. Grabbing an armful of the best ones he could find (and eliciting a stare from the older woman behind him), he pushed his cart towards the checkout lane. He was finally done with his work for the week, and he was going to make the largest lasagna known to man. 

A woman cut in front of him, talking quickly on her phone. 

"Yeah, of course. No, I didn't forget the ice cream. Babe, please don't cry. I'll be home in like 15 minutes. Okay, bye." She turned around, startled. "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! I completely cut you off, didn't I?" "It's alright, you look like you have places to be. I'm in no rush." He smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he tried not to laugh at how many items the woman had managed to carry. 

"Opposed to baskets, are you?" 

"I was in a rush and I didn't think to grab one." As she finished her sentence, all of the groceries in her hands toppled, landing in Thomas' cart. She began to gather them up again when he stopped her. 

"The line is long, you're obviously stressed, just leave them there. It's really fine." 

"Well, thank you." She extended her hand. 

"Angelica." 

"Thomas." 

"It's nice to meet you, Thomas." Her phone buzzed again, and she looked down to tap out a quick response. 

 "It's my sister. She wants me to grab more chocolate. Good lord." Angelica cast her eyes to the wide variety of candy bars near the register. Turning back to Thomas, she said, "Which should I get?" 

"Oh! Uh, I don't know. What's the situation? It depends on how your sister is feeling. I would personally go for skittles, but I'm having a good day." 

"Well she just got cheated on, so skittles may not be the right choice." Thomas attempted to take this news in stride, but it must've shown on his face. 

"Too much information, I know." 

"No, no. You definitely need chocolate in this situation. Lots of chocolate." Using his best announcer voice, he continued, "As far as specific candies go, I would recommend this high quality Godiva for when she's feeling better, and this low quality Hershey's for when she's not." 

Angelica laughed, taking the candy from him and placing it on the belt. She waited for Thomas to finish, then grabbed half his bags before he could say anything. 

"I at least owe you for squashing half your food." Once they had loaded their cars, Angelica extended her hand. "Thank you again for the chocolate recommendation." 

"Glad I could help. Give your sister a hug for me." He paused. "Maybe... I could give you my number and you could let me know how everything goes?" Angelica smiled. 

"Of course." 

T- 3:26 So, how's your sister doing? 

 A- 3:27 She's okay. We've been making headway on the ice cream. 

 A- 3:27 What have you been doing today? Besides buying a bunch of smashed up tomatoes, I mean. 

T- 3:28 I was going to smash them anyways, you just speeded up the process. 

T- 3:28 I'm making lasagna for a friend, and I haven't burnt myself yet. 

 A- 3:29 Lasagna?? What's the occasion? 

T- 3:29 They're upset, so I'm making comfort food. 

A- 3:30 And to you, comfort food is homemade lasagna. A little extensive, but amazing. 

T- 3:35 Scratch what I said before, I've just burnt myself the once. 

A- 3:35 Be careful- if you bleed in the lasagna, how am I supposed to eat it? 

T- 3:37 Who said you were getting any? 

T- 3:37 Kidding. If I make you lasagna I'll be sure to bleed directly on it. 

A- 3:38 I am so blessed. 

Around 6, Thomas loaded up his car with the lasagna and headed out. He had made about the equivalent of three full sized ones, but he made sure to package it so it could be easily frozen. Eliza was so little, he didn't like the idea of her going without food for any length of time. It may have been too much lasagna, but Thomas was a biased judge. 

 He pressed the buzzer to her apartment. "Hey Eliza, it's me. Can you let me up?" 

"Ange! Thomas is here! And he brought so much food!" Angelica trudged into the room and looked at their guest, expecting one of Eliza's strange, overly nice friends. 

"Uh, hi Thomas. It's been a while." 

Angelica was slightly comforted by the fact that Thomas looked just as shocked as she did. 

"You already know each other?" Eliza asked. 

"Yeah, he's the guy I told you about, from the store." Eliza's eyes widened. "Oh! The guy you said was really-" 

Angelica pinched Eliza's side, hoping she got the message. Thomas covered for their thinly veiled embarrassment by grinning and moving into the kitchen without invitation. 

"Ange! You didn't tell me it was MY Thomas at the store!" Eliza whispered hurriedly. 

"How was I supposed to know? I've been in France for 3 months!" 

"I mean, he's pretty easy to describe. All you had to say was his hair is like-" Eliza made a motion as if her head was exploding when Thomas walked back in. He tried to hide his smile, turning to gesture back at the kitchen. 

"I already stocked your freezer, but I didn't know if you had eaten dinner yet. Should I get out some plates?" 

"Definitely. Angelica will show you where everything is. I have to go change. These sweatpants are completely unacceptable for having company." Eliza practically shoved them in the direction of the kitchen. 

"I do actually know where everything is, if you also want to change." 

Angelica faked offense. "Are these sweats not good enough for you?" 

"On the contrary, I feel underdressed. I only wish I were so stylish."