#taylor swift was AMAZINGG btw

[wisteriadaisies]

update!!!!

these past few weeks have been SHIT. since mid october, more often than not i have been feeling depressed. i struggle with saying i have depression since it’s ebbs and flows so much (in the beginning of november, i saw taylor swift! and that whole weekend i was honestly doing great! and so i look back at that and my mind goes… how can i have depression when i spent some time feeling okay? therapist me knows depression is different for everyone, but i think it’s because i experience anxiety 24/7 it’s hard for me to say i have depression because it doesn’t have an impact on me as much as anxiety)

but god, when it’s here it feels so much harder to deal with than anxiety. anxiety fucking sucks, but depression… depression sucks everything out of me.

anyways, my therapist went “you definitely have depression” so there’s that. also, my psychiatrist suggested TMS a few weeks ago which i was surprised by. like, mental illness affects my life so fucking much. but sometimes with what my psychiatrist and therapist offer, i’m surprised by how severe my mental illness (anxiety) is. i asked my therapist a few weeks ago if i’m still her client with the most anxiety (i asked her this years ago) and she said that she doesn’t think she’ll ever have a client with more anxiety than me. which, um.

but yeah. depression has been hard. and of course i have had to work despite it. my schedule has gotten a lot busier, which is great but it’s also exhausting when battling depression. i worked 12-8 the past three days, and im exhausted. i’m off today, but i have a work dinner to go to later and god do i not want to go. but i faked sick for the last one and i know i’ll have a good time. and i can’t go to therapy next week and tell my therapist i didn’t go.

but the thing is, when i’m at work seeing clients, my depression goes away. i just focus on them. it makes me feel a little ridiculous, like look how easy it is for my depression to go away. but maybe it shows that i’m good at my job and i can put my personal life shit to the side.

it’s friday morning now. i’m not feeling too bad. just anxious for the day ahead, but as of now i’m not feeling depressed… well, no sadness or emptiness, but i do want to do nothing but lay in my bed. so there’s that.

i wanted to cancel work every single day this week, but i didn’t. i just thought of my clients and couldn’t do that to them. so i’m proud of myself for that.