#tavriel speaks

[nyf-archive]

@reining-disaster | continued from x

"How I've been-?" Rein tilted his head and looked over to his friends, "I mean it's only been a few months, but... Gale over there. He cooks and is amazing with magic and tells wonderful stories. Shadowheart is kinda dorky. Pretends she doesn't care, but always heals me. Karlach is warm and inviting. Can't always touch her, but she loves pretty much everyone. Halsin is patient with me. Helps me when I'm panicking. Astarion always fights by my side and loves listening to my gossip from my days in the upper city. Wyll is smart and loyal. He's brave and cool! And Lae'zel is a strong and capable warrior. She cares about her people and her passion is her love of them." "I'm still friends with them because I love them. I care about them. They make me feel safe. And they're my family." He explained, "Why is it you're still friends with me?" He nudged.

Her gaze followed his as he turned to look at all of those he called his friends. There was a tinge of jealousy, really. Tavriel hadn't really had the chance to make that close of bonds, even in her youth. To know his companions in these short months was astonishing to her. All she had ever known was her family, her business, her captors, and strangers who needed her. Well, until that was that they were captured in the Nautiloid.

She envies the love he has to share. Still, there is a smile that finds her features as she burns into her mind the descriptors of their companions that he gives. But, at his nudge, does the young woman blink slightly and pause. Why was she still his friend? He considered them friends? She was taken aback a moment at that one, and in her near three hundred years of life, Tavriel was at a loss. "...I...didn't realize that you considered me a friend..." For so long had she wandered the world helping those in need that she had acquaintances, sure, but not friends. This was the longest time she had spent with any being longer than a week.

"...I think it's because traveling with you is...nice? You're caring and observant...and you make sure you take care of your friends...and maybe there's a part of me that...selfishly wanted to be cared about, too..." Sure, she was cared about. But long had she desired for a life like she had when she was young. "F-Forgive me if that sounds too forward. I-I don't mean it in any kind of way I mean! You're great, I just !" She covered her face now in embarrassment, curling in slightly as if she were a turtle trying to crawl back in her shell. "I'll just shut up now..."

[partially-controlled-chaos]

Come Back to Me pt. 3

Pairing: Astarionxf!Tav

Rating: M

Warnings: Hurt/angst, comfort, trauma, fluff, trauma, soft jealous Astarion

Summary: After an attack in the Shadow Cursed Lands, Tavriel is exposed to the toxins of fear inducing mushroom spores, causing her already weakened mind to relive the traumatic horrors of her past. Astarion and Halsin are forced to work quickly to cure her mind of the spores before the effects remain with her permanently.

Also read on AO3! Check there for more frequent updates because I sometimes forget to also post them here.

I also recommend reading my previous fic for some backstory on my Tav! Not totally necessary, but if you’d like some backstory you can find it here!

Masterlist

Come Back to Me: Part 1, Part 2, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

Astarion was quietly seething as he followed behind the druid, his face knitted into a tight scowl as he stepped across jagged rocks and fallen tree branches. Of all people he could be paired with on this excursion, it just had to be Halsin. He had lingered around Last Light just briefly, too consumed with worry after hearing Tavriel’s horror filled screams, while the rest of the group had already sectioned off into teams of two, leaving Astarion with Halsin as a companion. He already had a grudge against Halsin for being a threat to his relationship with Tavriel, but he also fully blamed Halsin for Tavriel being as sick as she was. If he had been a better companion, he would have kept her safe. This, of course, was simply a deflection of Astarion’s own feelings of being incompetent for Tavriel because he let her go out to begin with.

“Do you see anything, Astarion?” Halsin called back to him as he swept a torch across the landscape, “Have you found any black oleander?”

“If I had don’t you think I would have said something?” The vampire spawn sneered, his lip upturned into a snarl.

“You’ve just been unusually quiet,” Halsin said as they continued, “I was making sure you hadn’t stumbled across something. You’re sure you know what you’re looking for?”

“Of course I do! I may not be rolling around outside all day like you, but I’m not dim witted enough to not know what we’re looking for.” Truthfully, Astarion hadn’t known what black oleander even was until a few days ago, but he wouldn’t dare admit it, “And I’m not in a particularly chatty mood. My mind happens to be on other, more important, things than idle chit chat and niceties.”

“I will not blame you for your anger, Astarion. You’re worried about Tavriel. You’re a bonded pair, are you not?” Halsin asked with a laugh, taking no offense to the snippy remarks coming from the elf. 

“I would be a fool to not be worried about her. She’s the only thing that actually keeps this little band together. If something happens to her, well, we’d all be lost.” Astarion’s voice had softened slightly. The thought of actually losing Tavriel felt like a knife to the chest. He’d finally found something and someone to give a damn about and the idea of her being taken down by a patch of mushrooms felt like a cruel joke sent by the gods as a continued punishment. 

“Is that all you’re worried about? If she can continue to serve a purpose?” Halsin shot a sideways glance to Astarion, surprised at his response. He had seen the way Astarion would look and speak with Tavriel and it was painfully clear he had some inclination of feelings for her, so the abrupt cut to how she was useful was odd.

“No. Don’t be stupid. If you had let me finish I would have answered your question.” He snapped, “We are, if you’re so interested in knowing, but I’d like to keep the spicy little details to myself, thank you.”

“I am, actually, it’s something I wanted to speak to you about.” Halsin said as he stepped to the side of the path they were on, his eyes scanning for the plant they were after, “Look, over there off the trail, there’s a small patch of oleander.” Astarion followed the druid into the small patch of plants, being mindful not to step on the few precious ones they had managed to find.

Astarion’s stomach was suddenly in knots, Halsin’s statement setting him on edge. He was already afraid of losing Tavriel to Halsin. After all, Halsin did seem much more compatible than he did at fulfilling Tavriel’s needs and desires. When compared to the druid, Astarion felt inferior. Halsin had his share of trauma in his past he was sure, but whatever it was, it couldn’t come close to the baggage he was bringing in his relationship to Tavriel. Centuries of using sex and deception to lure unsuspecting victims to the Szarr palace only to surrender them as a quick meal for his master certainly must have weight heavily on Tav, would it not? His trauma was so similar to Tavriel’s that he was always afraid that his past and hesitations would be unwelcome reminders of her own life of misery. 

But of course, Astarion knew that it didn’t end there. He and Tavriel were so fundamentally different that he was surprised she had shared his enthusiasm for wanting a real relationship all those months ago. After all, he was bitter and mean spirited, not often caring about the well being of others. Purely selfish actions for purely selfish reasons had always been his style and he genuinely didn’t see that changing anytime soon. Tavriel, on the other hand, had displayed selfish actions herself when they first met, later admitting she had engaged in a romance with Astarion for the same reasons he had. With that aside, Tavriel was generally a good hearted person who had unselfish actions for unselfish reasons. They were polar opposites and yet had somehow found themselves attracted to each other through a history of trauma bonding and a mind flayer tadpole wiggling about their brains.

But Halsin? Halsin was a good man. He had spent a century of putting his own needs and desires aside to address the issue of the Shadow Curse. He was kind, especially to Tavriel, always greeting her with a warm smile and friendly embrace. He truly cherished her friendship and the help she had so selflessly offered to him, a total stranger. Astarion knew Halsin had an attraction to her, he could see it all over his face whenever Tavriel came bounding over to him with that pretty smile on her lips he oh, so adored. Halsin had the capacity to understand Tavriel in ways that Astarion couldn’t even fathom. They both had an innate connection to nature and if anyone could help her regain the connection she had lost in captivity, it wouldn’t take a scholar to know that Halsin was clearly the better match.

“Grab as much as you can, we’ll need more for the remedy to be fully effective, but we should collect all of this if something goes wrong.” Halsin said as he crouched, using his torch to illuminate the area and chase away any lingering shadows. Astarion also crouched to the ground, quickly cutting and securing the richly purple plants into his travel pouch.

“You’re sure this isn’t enough? How complex is this concoction of yours?” 

“No,” Halsin said as he pulled the last plant from the cursed land, “we’ll need more. She needs a potent dose if we intend to cure her fully.” This made Astarion’s heart drop once again. Halsin had been so calm leading up to this point, making Astarion believe that despite Tavriel’s behavior, curing her would be seemingly simple.

“…She’s worse than you’re letting on, isn’t she?” Astarion asked quietly as they continued their search for black oleander.

“I didn’t want to alarm the others, the last thing we need is for everyone to be in a blind panic, but yes, I am worried. I’ve seen many friends and allies fall victim to the spores, but I’ve never seen them set in so quickly. We will truly need the Oak Father’s blessing if this is to work.” Astarion gripped his torch tightly at Halsin’s confession, his pace quickening as his eyes desperately scanned the ground for more of the plants. They had to hurry and collect what they needed to return to Tav. He could only pray that his companions also found their plants and herbs with haste.

“There, by those rocks, I see much more.” Astarion pointed to a cluster of large rocks, their base littered with the plants he so desperately wanted to find. The two men wasted no time in gathering more of the herbs, pausing only briefly to scan their surroundings as shrieks from the shadows kicked up. Deeming there was no longer a threat, they continued ripping the plants from the ground.

“What did you want to discuss with me? About Tavriel?” Astarion asked after a few moments of silence, his mind unable to let the comment leave his mind.

“I was curious about your feelings towards her, and ultimately your relationship, because I wanted to know if I should ask for your consent.” Astarion froze, hands unmoving as he held a firm grip on the base of an oleander plant.

“My consent?” he asked through gritted teeth and fangs, “Consent for what, exactly?”

“For something more.” Halsin said calmly, “To go beyond the fabric of a simple alliance and friendship and into something more…intimate. If you would be all right with that, of course. I wish not to step on any toes.”

“Are you asking me if she could cast me aside? And replace my spot with you? Is that what you’re saying?” Astarion’s voice almost went up an octave as he felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him, his worst fears regarding Tavriel materializing in front of him.

“Of course not, that is not my intention. I mean to join the two of you, if you would be open to it, and carry on a union as nature intended. Without the restrictions of societal norms and expectations for a relationship to only be two people. Tavriel is extraordinary, a true delight and a kind soul, and she has unknowingly shaken me to my core. I would like to share, not take away. But if anything were to happen, I would need your approval. Whether you personally want to join us or not is up to you, depending on what you are comfortable with, and her as well. You have become her mate, so to speak, and I would not wish to intrude if it’s not something you are comfortable with.” Halsin had paused his plant collection, taking the time to look at Astarion carefully as he spoke, wanting to broach the subject without seeming too nonchalant about it.

“Not now, of course, I must finish the matter of the Shadow Curse before I can even begin to entertain such notions, but I wanted to put my offer on the table, figuratively speaking. So my intentions are not misunderstood by either of you. I had begun to run this by Tavriel right before we were attacked.” Astarion’s mind was spinning. This was something he had been fearing for a long time, but was also something he had hoped was only a deep rooted fear that would never come to fruition. And yet, here he was, kneeling in dirt beside the man that could easily take away his entire world.

Astarion didn’t care about a persons sexual preference or how they wanted to be in a relationship, it didn’t matter to him. Halsin wanting a multi-partner relationship wasn’t what was so upsetting to him. What was potentially world shattering, however, is that Halsin wanted to be in a multi-partner relationship with the one person Astarion wanted to be selfish about. He had finally found someone he could be free and open with. He was comfortable around Tavriel, relished in her kindness and warmth, and he wanted to keep that all to himself. He felt a burning rage deep inside at the thought of someone else knowing her intimately. The idea of someone else feeling her kind and gentle lips pressing against various parts of their body made him squirm. Or, which could arguably be his worst fear, if she experiences mind blowing, back arching, shaking, orgasmic pleasure from someone who wasn’t him. He didn’t fully appreciate their moments of passion when they first met, having only done it to secure protection, but he was beginning to once again open up to the idea and he didn’t want anyone else to dip into that fantasy. Astarion wanted to be unapologetically selfish with the first genuinely good thing to come into his life. However, if Tavriel felt otherwise and wanted more than what he alone could offer, he wouldn’t stop her. She had been through as much pure hell as he had and he would feel wrong if he kept her from being truly happy for the simple sake of him wanting to keep her to himself.

“And what did she say? What was her answer to your little question?” Astarion could feel his hands begin to shake, genuinely terrified of what Halsin might say next. 

“She didn’t,” Halsin said plainly as he continued to pull plants, “we were attacked before she could respond. I couldn’t tell you her answer, it’s something that will have to be addressed after she is cured.”

“Well,” Astarion said after some silence, “I have absolutely no intentions of joining in on your little group party. However, if Tavriel wishes to join your side as well as mine, I won’t stop her. She deserves to be happy, the world hasn’t been kind to her if you didn’t know, and I will not be the one thing that stands in her way.”

“If you truly mean it, my heart is happy and appreciative. Again, this will not be something that happens soon, I have more important things that need to be taken care of than desires of the flesh, but the offer will always be open to you. I will talk to Tavriel again once she is better. That should be our first priority, curing her.” Halsin stood as he and Astarion picked the last of the plants that were needed for the remedy, “Let’s return to the inn, we have what we came for. May the Oak Father guide the others back as well with a fruitful harvest.”

The two men set off towards Last Light without another word spoken between them. Halsin was walking with a purpose, eager to return to the inn and get the remedy for the fear spores in the pot. Astarion, who was also rushing to return to Tavriel, was distraught. He was thankful they were able to find the required items without much hassle, but the potential of losing Tavriel in more ways than one was sitting heavily on his mind. He desperately wanted to know what Tavriel’s answer to Halsin’s offer would have been. He wanted to know what she was thinking and where her heart was going. He hurriedly walked to the inn with Halsin, his fingers digging into his palm as he walked.

************************************************************************

“We have everything.” Halsin said as he and the rest of the party filed in the front door of Last Light Inn and handed their collected ingredients to the arch druid, “Give me a few moments to brew these into a tea. I’ll bring it up to her when it’s done. Can someone check on her? I no longer hear her and it’s concerning.” Astarion wasted no time in departing from the group, practically flying up the stairs in the process. If his heart could beat, it would be pounding in his ears. When they had left the inn, Tavriel could be heard from the courtyard. But now? There was silence.

Astarion gently pressed his ear to the door of the bed chambers he shared with Tavriel, listening for any sounds from inside, but was met with an uncomfortable silence. He tried the handle, finding it had been locked from the inside, presumably to slow Tav down if she tried to dart out the door in her altered state. After a soft knock, Lae’zel opened the door, cautiously glancing back to Tavriel to be sure she didn’t charge the door before allowing Astarion in. He quickly slipped inside, making sure to secure the door behind him. The state of the room caught him off guard, making him freeze on the spot as he surveyed the damage.

Jagged fingernail marks along the wooden floor, books that had been thrown across the room, the center carpet was crumpled and shoved to the side, and even broken glass from a wine bottle that had been smashed against a wall. Astarion had cleaned the room before Tavriel and Halsin returned, wanting her to return to a safe space, but the work was undone seemingly by Tavriel herself. Small spots of Tavriel’s blood were scattered across the room, dripping from her destroyed fingertips and other scratches she had inflicted upon herself. Tavriel herself was seated in the center of the room, resting on her knees and shins, her hands pressed to the floor as her arms struggled to support her upper body. She was mostly silent, the only sounds being emitted where slow shallow breaths and the occasional whimper. Her eyes were half lidded, ready to close at any given moment and succumb to a deep sleep. Her mind and body were absolutely exhausted from her actions and Astarion feared that she wouldn’t have the strength to fight the spores much longer.

“How long has she been like this?” Astarion asked as Lae’zel returned to her previous spot on the floor across from Tavriel. 

“Not very long. She’s been scrambling about and destroying anything she could find until a few moments ago. She’s weakening. Did you find the herbs?” Lae’zel asked hopefully.

“Yes, thankfully,” Astarion said as he crouched, trying to get a closer look at Tavriel’s face, “Halsin is preparing a remedy now.” He reached out carefully, almost afraid she may snap at his fingers. He gently placed his hand under her chin, lifting her heavy head until her fully clouded eyes met his gaze. Tavriel’s face was stained with tears and her skin was hot to the touch, even for his perpetually cool fingers. 

She looked as if she was a step from death’s door and Astarion felt his chest ache. He felt so unbelievably helpless, unable to do anything to help his love from slipping away. He was reliant on someone else for her salvation, and the idea made him sick to his stomach. Over the years under Cazador’s control, Astarion only ever needed to rely on himself to stay as safe as a vampire spawn could be. Relying on someone was a weakness and it took the little bit of control he did have away from him. The feeling here was no different. Having to rely on Halsin to get a working antidote into Tavriel before everything was too late made him uneasy and on edge. With a slight delay, Tavriel pulled her head from Astarion’s light grasp, the movement making her lose her balance and falter in her stance. She landed on her forearms with a soft grunt, her legs sliding out from underneath her until she was almost face down on the floor. She weakly tried to back away, the voices in her head still screaming that she was in danger, but her body wouldn’t allow her to move. Instead, she rested on her arms and took more labored breaths. 

“Where in the hells is the damn druid?” Astarion hissed as he sat back, his anger caused by his inability to actually help started to seep out.

“I will check on him. Stay with her, she seems to have calmed down enough.” Lae’zel stood without another word, quickly exiting the room to speak with Halsin, leaving Astarion and Tavriel to themselves. They sat in silence, Tavriel too weak to say anything and Astarion too afraid of driving her further into madness with his touch or voice. He dug his nails into his palm again as he clenched his fist closed, feeling more and more incompetent the more time that passed.

“Tell me what to do, love.” He whispered as Tavriel let out a small groan as she shifted again, “Tell me how to help you. I don’t know what to do. I need you to come back to me, but tell me how. You promised me you would come back, my love, you promised.” Tears began to well in his eyes, threatening to fall down his face as he watched her writhe in pain and mental agony. Tavriel’s body ached from slamming into doors and scratching her fingers raw. The scars that adorned her body were throbbing, feeling as if they were being made for the first time again. Her breathing quickened as fire seemed to be burning through the scars on her shoulder blades, the pain almost unbearable as her mind twisted and warped, forcing her to relive that horrible night. With a sudden burst of energy, she sat up, almost throwing herself backwards as her hands reached over her shoulders to claw at the marks on her back, her armor thankfully keeping her from digging into the flesh. She tried her best to scream at the memory, but her voice was raw and hoarse, causing only more discomfort. 

“Godsdamn it, Cazador was right, you are useless. Pathetic. Weak. You can’t save her.” Astarion thought to himself as the tears forming came dangerously close to falling. His insecure thoughts came flooding back with full force, further twisting the pain settling in his dead heart. He didn’t know what to do or how to save her by himself. She deserved so much better care than what she was getting from him. She deserved someone that wasn’t weak and cowering, afraid to even touch her when she was begging for help. He truly believed he didn’t deserve someone as wonderful and extraordinary as Tavriel and she deserved someone so much better. She deserved someone would keep her safe and satisfied. Halsin was downstairs now, making a concoction that would ease her mind and suffering, something that can heal her. He immediately knew what needed to be done to save her, where to go, what plants were needed, and how to sew those plants into something useful. Halsin could protect her. Halsin could keep her safe. And yet, here was Astarion, sitting as still as a stone as his lover screamed in agony and fear. His vile thoughts continued to bombard his mind as he sat and watched Tavriel suffer.

Astarion was frozen with fear, truly not knowing what to do to help. He was afraid to touch her, fearing that his touch would alight her skin more and cause more suffering. The tears that lined his eyes finally betrayed him, sliding down his cheeks as Tavriel’s own sobs assaulted his ears. She was trembling, her entire body almost convulsing as she continued to rake her sore and bloodied fingers across the armor. She was frenzied in her movements, completely unrecognizable as the Tavriel that Astarion had grown to love. Against his own trepidations, he reached out with a shaking arm, hoping that making contact with her could pull her from the memory. However, the moment was short lived and his extended hand came back to clutch at his own head, which was now swimming with an uncomfortable twinge. The tadpole swimming around in his brain had made contact with the one infecting Tavriel, linking their minds. Astarion’s consciousness was thrust into the absolute chaos that was swimming in Tavriel’s fracturing mind, allowing him to see inside her memories and granting him access to the nightmare she was reliving.

[angelictavriel]

I am Tavriel.

ABOUT ME

- I am clothed in icy blue robes of silk.

- My hair is like spun silver and gold, and falls around the middle of my shoulder blades right where the wings begin.

- My snowy and silvery wings are two sets: on the shoulders and just below the ribs.

- I am male, but androgynous. I would not be offended if I was remembered as being in a more female presence.

- My head is adorned with a semi circle halo across my forehead, with five crystalline icicles floating above my head.

- In my left hand, I carry a scepter of ice and sapphire.

- My eyes are like the blue skies of heaven.

- I am unsure of my allegiance. I'm almost certain that I started my life serving YHVH, or the Christian God, but I am unsure of how my allegiance ended up before I came here, whether I fell or began serving another deity.

MEMORIES

Unfortunately, most of my memories have not been recalled yet. I'm actively searching for more everyday.

- I remember another angel, perhaps called Azaziel. Likely not mistaken for Azazel the scapegoat and teacher of humans before you ask. There is also the chance this name was Adririon. This man, clothed in red and gold armor, wielding a flaming sword, fought on the side of Michael in the first war, but is thought to have fallen afterwards. He had six wings, feathers dipped in crimson.

The thing about Azaziel is that I recalled him during my first attempt at recalling information about myself, but I'm still unsure if he is an entirely different entity, or perhaps a different aspect of myself. Perhaps a different identity entirely. This is still under investigation. If you recall Azaziel, I'd appreciate any information.

- I vividly remember a dock upon a dark sea near a beach with soft sands. It is said that this beach is where lovers trod. The sun that evening was setting and the sky was pink. Beside me was a female angel, potentially my lover. She gave off bright pink energy as well. Together, we wept. We were both quite heartbroken, but the reason has yet to be uncovered.

This is my most vivid and painful memory. If you recall this setting, please tell me. I'm desperately searching for my love and why we were so sad that night.

If you remember anything mentioned above, or if you remember me, my inbox is open. I appreciate any information.

Be blessed, my siblings.

[nyf-archive]

@reining-disaster continued from x

Tavriel was honestly celebrating a victory. She hadn't realized that he had intentionally let her win. Honestly, the paladin had thought that her strength was still growing and matching his as her oath became stronger once again. There was an idiotic smile that plastered over her face, but when the other covered up, though, head tilting slightly like that of a dog who heard an unfamiliar sound.

"Are you alright? Did you hit your head? I didn't mean to drop you that hard...!" Pulling him to sit up, now, Tav planted herself in his lap thoroughly now and reached up to touch at his head, examining him for injury now. "I'm so sorry, love..."

[nyf-archive]

"I'm sure he does by now, love." She smiled softly, looking over to him as she laughs a bit to herself. As they make their way to the fire, Tavriel signs to their friend 'no eggs, please' before leaning her head against that of Rein's shoulder in order to motion that it should just be all the other proteins for him. And they did indeed have plenty. The paladin was thankful that the others had gone into the nearest settlement for food. Their fearless leader was going to need it.

Tavriel watched as he settled next to the fire now, munching on the piece of sausage that was the top of the pile. Chuckling a bit between them, Tav placed her hand on Gale's arm as a thanks before taking a warm cup of tea from him and moved to the spot which her companion now patted. Kissing his temple softly, the elven woman crossed her legs underneath her and sipped quietly on her tea.

"I'm glad you got plenty of sleep, Rein. The bags under your eyes were making me worried." Her voice is quiet enough for them to hear, her head leaning against his shoulder once more as she closes her eyes and ponders their next steps of their journey.

Rein allowed himself to be led to the smell of tasty food. His stomach growled in protest, "Does Gale know I can't have eggs?" Rein asked, eyes finally opening most of the way to show that he was finally waking up. He was becoming more cognizant as the seconds passed by.

Seeing an array of sausage and bacon, Rein's stomach began to get loud, whining a bit. He clearly wanted to eat. This caught the attention of Gale who filled his plate as high as he could stack the meats and handed it over to the half-elf, patting his messy hair, "Here we go, big guy." This resulted in a very happy hum coming from Rein, taking a seat and putting one piece of sausage in his mouth, melting a little.

He smiled happily to his girlfriend and patted the spot next to him. He wasn't going to let her out of his sight, now that he had her, again.

@notyetfixed

[nyf-archive]

a little tavriel musing i had that i just had to get down really quick while i was at work

so! as a very homebrew-esque order my old dm and i futzed around with a few years back, i made tav into the same kind of order. it's an order of ancients paladin, but with dragons. so she protects dragons, mostly. she swore her oath to a silver dragon because he freed her, and so she's been protecting benevolent ones ever since. she doesn't attack innocent dragons who are just living their lives, but she doesn't protect those that have slaughtered or stolen, etc.

in bg3, there comes a complication. ansur. the dragon below baldur's gate. as a protector, what is she to do? she doesn't quite know enough about him, except the legends told of him. does she stop the dragon from killing her, her friends, and the only one keeping her alive and break her oath? or does she turn her back on her friends and leave them to the fight or fight them in return?

lots to think on in that regards!

[nyf-archive]

okay. edited screengrabs of the bg3 muses <;3

[nyf-archive]

i made 3 bg3 ocs and I’m only using one lmao. how does that even work ? XD

[partially-controlled-chaos]

Simply Transactional pt. 2

Pairing: Astarionxf!Tav

Rating: M

Warnings: Hurt/angst, comfort, trauma, mentions of abuse/rape/violence

Summary: Astarion and Tav have an unexpected run-in one night in a clearing. After revealing part of her past, Tav realizes her relationship with Astarion might simply be a transactions for both parties. Pre-confession Astarion.

Both parts can be found Tumblr and on AO3! Part 1

Masterlist

“Oh, gods be damned.” Astarion thought to himself as he watched yet another companion occupy Tavriel’s time. It had been days since their spat in the woods and Astarion had yet to approach her to try and make amends. He needed to speak with her privately, away from prying eyes and ears of his campmates, but not a single opportune moment had presented itself to him since the argument. He knew he needed to act quickly. The more time he spent twiddling his thumbs about the situation, the worse the tension became and it was only a matter of time until Tavriel decided to pursue someone else; someone less manipulating. 

Astarion stood outside his tent, absentmindedly scanning the pages of a book he had long lost interest in. He felt anxious, the book heavy in his hands as he silently hoped for the perfect moment to approach his favorite companion. His nails lightly scraped the binding of his book each time he glanced in her direction, only to see someone else talking with her. Yesterday it had been Karlach, the day before that it had been Wyll, and of course today it was Gale. Astarion couldn’t bring himself to think that anything the others were saying were nearly as important as what he had to say, but he bit his tongue and waited in the imaginary queue leading to Tavriel’s tent.

Ever since that night, Tavriel had done her best to avoid Astarion, unsure of what the next steps were. She was always volunteering to go out scouting to keep from milling around camp or, against her personal wishes, closing herself off in her tent to avoid everyone, particularly the vampire across camp. Tav didn’t like conflict, it was something she had done her best to avoid while she was under the thumb of her former master. She knew that conflict often resulted in pain and scarring, and this would be no different. Like Astarion, Tavriel stood in the threshold of her tent, twirling a lock of hair between her fingers as she tried her best to listen to Gale boast about his magical achievements. She couldn’t focus on the conversation at hand, however, her own mind wrapped about the one she would rather be having.

She was quick to anger the other night, reliving memories she had tried to forget brought out a streak of anger hidden well inside her, and she let that anger lash out at the one person who was realistically the most understanding about her pain. Astarion had suffered centuries of torture at the hands of a vampire lord and she knew that he, above anyone else, could sympathize with her. Not to mention that she had grown rather fond of her fanged companion. Despite his sultry facade and razor sharp tongue, Tavriel truly enjoyed his company. She had even found herself thinking more recently that she wouldn’t mind if they could be something more than what they were at the moment. If they could both take off their masks, end the transactional nature of their bond, and move towards something more genuine, then she thought that maybe they could both heal from their pasts. However, she decided that none of that would happen if she wouldn’t get moving and apologize for her outburst.

They had passed glances and perfected half-smiles to each other in the days since their argument. Each one always offering a morning greeting as they passed by the others tent, but never a normal conversation. Even the playful, flirting banter from Astarion had stopped since that night. He’d almost felt uneasy about whispering sweet words to her, now knowing what he knew about her past. Like himself, she had unresolved traumas and issues and he felt wrong for provoking. Although, the more time that passed, the more he couldn’t help but indulge in his own feelings of anger towards the elf. He had been manipulated by Tavriel just as he had done to her with the same motives. And this, as hypocritical as it may be, plucked away at his heart strings. 

Astarion’s eyes flicked up from the pages of his book just in time to notice Tavriel’s gaze. She was almost staring a hole through him from across the camp, completely tuning out Gale’s nonstop babbling, but it was not a look filled with anger, as he had expected. Instead, she was conflicted; unsure if she should extend the first olive branch of peace in the situation. Their eyes met, neither daring to be the first to look away, waiting for the other to take the next step. 

With a small sigh, Tavriel placed a hand on Gale’s arm, apologizing for having to cut the conversation short, and promised to get back with him as soon as possible. Gale took no offense as she side stepped him and made her way towards Astarion’s tent. Tavriel took a deep breath, silently grateful to step away from the wizard, but could also feel a sense of unease creep into her throat as she traversed the short distance across camp and finally came to rest next to Astarion. 

“Darling!” Astarion loudly proclaimed with a smile as he tossed one hand in the air, “I was just thinking about you. About how we’ve had so little time to-”

“My offer still stands,” Tavriel bluntly cut him off, not intending to listen to his charades. She loosely crossed her arms across her midsection, mindlessly thumbing the buttons on her tunic sleeve.

“What?” Astarion’s brows came together, confusion rushing across his face. As usual, she had caught him off guard.

“My offer,” she repeated, “for you to feed from me. It still stands despite…this.” Tavriel waved a hand between them as she tried to form her words. An uneasy silence followed, neither party knowing what to do or say next. 

“That’s very generous of you,” Astarion finally said, taken back by her offer, “I hadn’t expected you to be so kind after you very clearly stated how you felt about our little late night rendezvous. Unless, of course, you’re interested in something I can offer you in return.” Against his better judgement, Astarion was letting his festering anger come to the surface. For two centuries, he was used to taking advantage of others for his personal gain or survival. And even though these habits always left them with a knot in his throat and a sick feeling in his stomach when he was done, it was something he had grown accustomed to. But now, the tables had turned and he was the one being used. He hadn’t let his anger show much when they had their spat in the woods, but now, it was beginning to poke through. The fact that Tavriel was ready to go back to business as usual without so much as a thought towards them was enough set him off.

“Look,” Tav sighed, regretting her decision to strike up a conversation, “I know your hunts have been unsuccessful; the forests are empty of anything with a pulse. Hells, we’ve been living off beetroot and foliage for days now. You, on the other hand, have had nothing and I can tell; we all can. Believe me, I’m not offering my neck for my own benefit or pleasure, but for yours.” Astarion belted out a laugh, causing a few of the other camp members to glance in their direction. 

“Oh! Concerned with my pleasure, are you? How very thoughtful of you, my dear. I almost don’t know what to do with myself.” Astarion seethed, his fangs faintly poking out from behind his lips. Tavriel narrowed her eyes as her grip on her elbows tightened. She couldn’t necessarily blame her companion for his anger, but she certainly didn’t appreciate the jabs when she was genuinely trying to be helpful. 

“You are free to do as you please, Astarion,” her tone beginning to match his, “the choice is ultimately yours and makes no never mind to me, but I wanted to extend an invitation. If you choose to take me up on the offer, you know where to find me.” Without saying another word, Tavriel left Astarion and walked back towards her tent. She paused briefly, stepping inside the entrance to her abode to grab a small basket, before heading off into the woods. She called for Scratch, wanting some sort of companionship as she left to forage. The dog quickly caught up with her, tail wagging as they stepped into the tree line together. 

“Don’t bother waiting up for me, dear,” he called after her, “I’m quite busy this evening, but will try to make time for you.” Astarion closed the book he had been holding and stepped inside his tent, closing the flap behind him. He groaned as he tossed his book to the pile of pillows near his bedroll, pinching the bridge of his nose as the tome landed quietly.  

“Absolutely bloody stupid,” he muttered to himself as he began to pace the center of his tent, “You had a plan. An easy to follow, simple little plan.” Astarion was talking about himself, furious with himself for losing his senses just now. The moment he had been waiting for had finally come waltzing right up to his tent and he fell apart. What was even the point of spending days rehearsing his lines if he was going to throw them away the second there was a kink in the fabric of his plan? The pain that quickly shot through his stomach answered the question for him, though. He was starving, the hunger in his abdomen fogging his mind. There was no hope in hunting, not with Tavriel and the camp pet frolicking the forest just outside. Exhausted, Astarion made himself comfortable on his bedroll, hoping a quick bit of rest would be enough to satiate the growling in his stomach. 

As night fell, Astarion desperately tried to ignore the gnawing feeling in his abdomen. He was starving, aching to sink his fangs into anything warm blooded. Tav was right, he hadn’t eaten in days and even he was beginning to feel the effects. His mood, as foul as it normally was, had only worsened as his hunger grew. He tossed and turned in his bedroll, trying to shake the feeling pain creeping into his bones. He couldn’t think clearly while in this state; he needed to feed and soon. He clenched his eyes shut, trying to focus his thoughts. 

The melodious sound of Tavriel’s laughter broke his concentration not too long after he tried to rest, his eyes snapping open at the sound. He sat up from his bedroll and quickly made his way to his feet. Sticking to the walls of his tent, he moved the flap to the entrance ever so slightly until he could peek out into the camp without alerting the others. Tavriel and the rest of their companions were seated in the middle of camp around the fire, laughing as they shared a bottle of wine and split the bounty Tav had managed to scrounge up. As much as the camp camaraderie typically made his skin crawl, he admittedly missed being part of it. Tavriel always made it a point to pull him into the fun. Pulling his sleeve until he sat next to her, the two of them sharing a bottle of wine as they listened to everyone try to one up each other with a better story, and frequently sharing juicy little secrets they had uncovered over the course of the day. 

Gods, how he missed her company, her laugh, even her sickening need to help anyone they crossed paths with. There was nothing he wanted more than to be back in her good graces, to once again be presented with the gift of her companionship. But the nagging feeling of wanting something real with her couldn’t help but seep into his core. No more lies, no more trickery, he just wanted something real. He just wanted her. But in order for that to happen, they had to talk. They needed to sort things out to even attempt to make things work. Although, there was no hope of that happening according to Astarion’s plan if this hunger continued to plague him. He needed to feed first; to clear his head before making that leap of faith. He closed the flap to his tent, once again retreating to the darkness of his shelter. 

The offer laid before him by Tavriel flooded his mind. Despite their now estranged friendship, she was still willing to let him feed from her. He was hesitant to accept her offer, not wanting to strain their delicate relationship further, but he couldn’t deny the primal need to feed. After another few rounds of pacing his tent, Astarion had finally made up his mind. Once the others had gone to bed, he would take Tavriel up on her offer and after he was finally clear minded, he would follow his well crafted script and make amends.

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Once camp had settled down and everyone had finally gone to rest, Astarion slipped silently out of his tent and headed towards Tavriel’s. He stepped quickly, not wanting to alert anyone else to his movements. Not that it truly mattered, everyone knew he frequently fed from their leader, but tonight was different. There was a sense of uncertainty about the night. Astarion was unsure how the rest of the evening would go and if he and Tavriel could work through their newly discovered problems. 

It was an odd feeling, to say the least. Typically, Astarion wouldn’t care what others thought about him or put much weight to their options. Hells, he barely cared for the opinions of the rest of the camp he was sharing this adventure with. But Tavriel? Tavriel was different. Her approval was something he found himself craving like a hunger deeper and more aggressive than the sanguine lust that had plagued him for so long. Even though they had vastly different values, the more he was around her, the more he found himself being more kind and gracious. Giving thought and sympathy towards situations, and especially people, he normally wouldn’t give a second thought towards. It was driving him mad, but he also couldn’t stop chasing the feeling that stirred in his chest whenever she placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder after a battle or when she would praise him for making a morally correct decision. However, those thoughts only fueled his uncertainty. He didn’t want to lose what little bit he had with Tavriel, but he also didn’t want to continue with a lie. But the uncertainty only deepened when he wondered what she wanted. He couldn’t say with confidence if she wanted something real as well or if she wanted to keep everything platonic. And that thought rattled him to his core. 

Astarion took a deep breath, suddenly feeling uneasy about approaching her tent. He stopped, just outside of the entrance, listening for any movement. The entire camp, Tav’s tent included, was silent. At first he thought maybe she had fallen asleep, which caused even more unease. He truly didn’t want to wake her just to ask her for a meal and certainly wasn’t going to sink his teeth in while she was asleep, even though that thought alone had brought him so much excitement just days before. Thankfully, Tavriel had plenty of candles lit inside her dwelling space and he could see her shadow moving along the walls of the open tent as she quietly worked away inside. He took another step forward until he was able to peer inside. She hadn’t seen or heard him approach, still lost in her own world, and Astarion couldn’t help but smile at the sight before him.

Tav sat on the ground in her tent, meticulously sorting the flowers she had picked while foraging. Astarion felt entranced as he watched her work. Delicately, Tavriel pulled apart petals, adjusted leaves, and contorted the flowers she had collected to her whim before carefully placing them between the pages of the book she had splayed open in her lap. She often filled her tent with vibrant and fragrant flowers whenever she had the chance, frequently picking new specimens along their journey. Being a wood-elf, Tav had an innate connection to the outside world. However, a lifetime being kept in a dark cage underground had kept her apart from nature and the freedom it offered. Now that she had her freedom, as temporary as it may be, she stole every opportunity that she could to reconnect with her natural home. She loved the feeling of grass on her bare feet, the feeling of a gentle wind on her face, and the exhilarating sensation of submerging herself in a cool lake after a long day on the road.

Tavriel hummed as she worked; always picking the same melody. Astarion often feigned annoyance if she happened to be humming with him around, frequently calling it a bother. But if he was to be honest with himself, he was finding himself with the tune in his head more and more often, sometimes even straining to listen to her if she was just out of earshot. And, on very rare occasions, when he was alone in his tent, Astarion would find himself humming her silly little tune. He listened for a moment longer before regaining his composure, lifting his fist to his mouth before clearing his throat. Tavriel’s humming abruptly ended, her head snapping to the entrance of her tent. The initial look of fear that crossed her face quickly disappeared as she realized it was an ally standing in the threshold. 

“Oh, hello.” She said softly. In all honesty, Tavriel hadn’t expected Astarion to come by, given his theatrics from earlier. 

“Hello, Tav.” Astarion had to stop himself from calling her the typical pet names he threw at her, unsure if they would be accepted warmly or not. 

“One moment,” she mumbled, suddenly remembering the pile of flowers she’d covered herself in. She hastily closed her book, mentally noting to return to it later and press the flowers properly, and scooped any untouched flowers back into her basket. As she worked, Astarion stepped inside, enjoying the warmth her tent had that his dwelling seemingly lacked. He closed the flap behind him not wanting anyone else to interrupt them as he indulged his appetites.

Astarion watched as Tavriel stretched along the length of her bedroll, her head resting on the pillow as she turned her chin, giving him wider access to her neck. Her hands were clasped on her abdomen, not wanting to get in his way. He wasted no time in coming to her, crawling over her warm body and assuming his usual feeding position above her. He slid one leg between hers with one arm by her side, pinning her in place. His dead heart almost thumped in his chest as he placed his other hand on the back of her head and gently swept her long hair out of the way; the anticipation of a long awaited meal coursed through him as he tilted her head even more. His hands trembled as he leaned forward, more than ready to fill the hunger that had been plaguing him. Scarlet eyes scanned the tender flesh of her neck, searching for the delicious pulse point he so favored. However, as he looked her neck over, his eyes couldn’t help but wander. 

Given the nature of the fabric of her night shirt, the neckline had slipped over the curve of her shoulder as he adjusted her head, leaving both her shoulder and part of her back exposed. From his position above Tavriel, his eyes couldn’t help but focus on her bare skin. Despite having bedded each other twice by this point, Astarion had never taken the time to study her body. It was never a priority to him, after all. Until recently, he had been treating their relationship as a means to an end and had no reason to drink in her form. It wasn’t important. And until now, as he was hovering over her like a predator to prey, he had never noticed the scarring that adorned her body. 

His eyes locked onto the space surrounding her shoulder blades, shuddering as saw the large, deep puncture wounds around the bone. Flesh had been ripped and torn, the wounds jagged as if something had been pulled through her skin. His eyes traveled upwards, setting their sights on the back of her neck. More scarring, more wounds he had not taken the time to notice. His fingers ghosted over the scars to her neck, noting that these were more of a branding than puncture, and was written in an elven dialect. From his position he couldn’t quite tell what the message said, but knew it wasn’t going to be a term of endearment. As the hand that cradled her head moved back into position, the tips of his fingers grazed yet another wound. This one was hidden in her hairline, and from what he could tell, ran along both sides of her skull. His eyes continued their journey upwards, desperately trying to follow the ring of scarring to her head. His heart sank into his stomach when his eyes finally landed on her face. 

“I would just lay there, emotionless, getting lost in my own thoughts until everything was over.” Her words echoed in his mind as he recalled the comment she had made days before. Even then, it was something that had resonated with him because he himself would do the same. With the countless times he had been forced to bed someone for his master, Astarion had learned to mentally pull himself away from the acts, offering some sense of relief from the torture of luring people to their deaths. And yet, here in the safety of her own tent, Tavriel was doing the same. Her body was limp in his grasp, a dead weight as his arms fully supported her upper half. Her head was turned to the side, void of all emotion has her eyes stared into the distance, almost glossy from the lack of thought behind them.

Astarion was frozen in place, his mouth centimeters from her neck and her deliciously rich blood. However, despite the intoxicating warmth that graced his lips from her neck, he couldn’t move. As much as he wanted to plunge his teeth into her throat and drink until she was on the brink of death, finally seeing the evidence of her torment on her skin stirred something deep inside him.

“Gods, darling,” he thought has he cradled Tavriel in his arms, “How could I miss this?” Astarion’s thoughts continued to spiral as he thought about the horrors she had previously unveiled to him as well as the evidence of her tortures. 

“Are you still there, Astarion?” Tavriel’s whisper broke him out of his trance, her words mirroring his question to her a few days ago. She turned her head backs towards her companion, eyes scanning his face for any sign of consciousness. She had anticipated his teeth sinking into her neck for what felt like hours, but they never came. The lack of an icy sting snapped her out of her trance and she was surprised to see him hovering over her, completely lost in his own thoughts. 

Astarion’s gaze finally met hers, his hands still lightly shaking as he carefully placed her head back on her pillow before releasing her. He pulled away from her, sitting in the dirt by her bedroll, as he remained silent. Tavriel sat up as well, concern washing across her face as she readjusted the neckline of her tunic. 

“Do you have a moment?” he asked quickly, cutting her off before she could say anything, “I-I think we need to talk.”

“Are you all right?” Tavriel moved closer to Astarion, worried that he would tell her any relationship or friendship between them was unreconcilable.

“Oh yes, I’m fine,” he confessed with almost a laugh, “I just…feel awful.” Tavriel tilted her head, the unease in her stomach only growing stronger.

“Look,” Astarion said, “I had a plan. A nice, simple plan. Seduce you, sleep with you, manipulate your feelings so you’d never turn on me. It was easy. Instinctive. Habits from two hundred years of charming people kicked in. All you had to do was fall for it. And all I had to do was not fall for you… which is where my nice, simple plan fell apart. You…you’re incredible. You deserve something real. I want us to be something real.” If it was still functional, Astarion’s heart could beat out of his chest. Everything he had rehearsed to tell Tavriel was completely ignored and he was acting on impulse. But he was satisfied. This wasn’t a well crafted or even planned confession, but instead came from a place of truth and sincerity. He was nervous, his voice trembling as he opened his heart to her. He was finally being brutally honest with his beloved and with himself. 

Tavriel was dumbfounded, but elated. She expected Astarion to be angry with her, like she had been with him, fly off the handle and tell her to rot in all the hells, maybe even leave the group. But instead, he was open and vulnerable, but more importantly, truthful. Her entire life, she had been fed lie after lie coated in silky smooth words and promises, so she knew how to spot lies and deceit in people. She’d picked it up instantly with Astarion, but ran with it anyway. But now, for the first time since knowing the silver tongued elf, she couldn’t see manipulation. Instead, she heard sincerity in his words and saw the truth behind his eyes. And she wanted to run with it, with him, as far as he would take her. She craved genuine love and affection, more than life itself. 

“So do I,” she said, almost breathlessly, “More than anything.” A smile tugged at the corners of Astarion’s lips. Those six little words seemed to wash away all doubt in what he was doing, but he had to continue to be honest.

“I just don’t know what real looks like,” he said after a moment, his hands wringing themselves as he spoke, “Not after two hundred years of playing the rake. Being close to someone, any kind of intimacy, was something I performed to lure people back for him. Even though I know things between us are different, being with someone still feels…tainted. Still brings up those feelings of disgust and loathing.” Tavriel felt like she was looking in a mirror. Their lives, as vastly different as they were, still had so many similarities that it was almost scary. Astarion had spent two centuries being controlled by his master in every way possible. His body had been taken from his and used like a marionette for someone else. 

It was something Tav could resonate with. For years, how many exactly she wasn’t sure, her body and her mind were not hers. She had been broken mentally, reduced to a cowering, screaming shell of the girl she once was. Every waking moment of her life was nothing but fear and pain. She didn’t know how to think for herself most of the time. Her body hadn’t been hers for so long. Her own master had claimed it as his own, doing what he wanted to her at his own delight. Her skin crawled at the thought of Oaklarth’s calloused hands caressing her intimate areas or his lips on her skin. She had belonged to him, but not anymore. She wanted to give herself to the person of her own choosing, but only when she felt comfortable doing so.

“I just don’t know how else to be with someone,” Astarion continued, “No matter how much I’d like to.”

“I don’t either,” Tavriel finally said, “But I care about you, Astarion. Deeply.”

“Really?” He remained hopeful, praying to whatever gods that would listen that this could work. Tavriel said nothing, but instead closed the gap between them. Still seated, she wrapped her arms under his and around his back, her head resting between his neck and shoulder as she squeezed. Astarion froze momentarily, genuinely surprised at her sudden affections, but soon eased into the hug. Wrapping his own arms around her slender frame, he placed his hands along her back, relishing the warmth of her skin. His head lowered so his cheek rested on her head, sighing contently as he felt her melt into him. For both of them, this was the first genuine contact they could remember receiving in so long that it was almost euphoric. They held onto each other, onto the new feelings that were ignited in them both, and drank in every glorious second.

“Honestly, I have no idea what we’re doing. Or what comes next,” he held onto her tighter, afraid of letting go, “but I know that this? This is nice.”

“It is,” Tavriel whispered, “it’s very nice.” They sat there, intertwined in one another in silence for what felt like hours. It wasn’t until Tavriel felt the deep rumbles of Astarion’s hunger that the silence was broken.

“You know,” she said as she pulled away slightly, “my offer still stands.” She swept her hair over her shoulder, once again exposing her neck to Astarion.

“Darling, there is nothing I’d like more.” he said with a smile. Astarion held onto her firmly as he finally sunk his teeth into her lovely neck. Tavriel gasped slightly, the initial sting of his teeth making her jump. One of his hands came up to support her head as he drank, not wanting to lose the right angle. His pupils dilated as he took long drinks from her neck, her warm blood coated his mouth and finally soothed the gnawing hunger in his stomach. 

He often told himself that nothing could compare to the feeling of feeding from Tavriel the first time. The first time he’d tasted her, a thinking creature, was absolute bliss and something he would never forget. Every other subsequent feeding had always been enjoyable, but nothing could compare to that first high he had experienced. Until tonight. Tonight surpassed that feeling in every way and he was over the moon. Although the blood had not changed, the circumstances had. Tavriel was mentally present, unlike before, her fingers twirling ringlets of his hair as he drank from her. They were no longer transactional, no longer a means to an end. They meant something to each other, something glorious and beautiful, but more importantly, they were real. 

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It was a quiet day of lounging about the camp. Without their fearless leader, their group was content to just sit and muck about. Halsin took his turn to keep watch over Tavriel. He was one of the more affectionate of the group. He gave her a hug as soon as he saw her awake, tended to her wounds quietly, and even offered to help tame her hair in a braid to keep it from tangling around her decolletage or causing irritation.

Gale brought her food and asked Tara to keep her company while he and the others made a run for any supplies they could muster from the outskirts. She fell asleep at some point with Halsin curled around her in his bear form, protecting her from any intruders that might enter the camp, and woke that night only to have Lae'zel bringing her stew and forcing her to eat.

By the morning, she was well rested and feeling much better. She was even out and tending to their supplies, making sure they were well stocked to continue their pace back to Baldur's gate when looked up to spot him moving towards her. As his head falls against her shoulder, Tav can't help but laugh softly. "Good morning to you, too." Her hand smooths along his mussed hair as the other brushes along his back and shoulder.

When he pulls back, the maiden knows exactly where his eyes fall. His lingering touch brings a softness back to her features. Lips part to speak, but the growling of his stomach interrupts her, and once again, a cheeky smile spreads over her features. Pressing up and onto her toes, Tavriel places a kiss to the corner of his lips and takes his hands softly in hers.

"Come along. Gale has breakfast ready near the fire..."

Rein was out for a full day and night, only being woken by the others for water and a few bites of food before they allowed him to rest, again.

When he finally woke up on a slightly chilly morning, his ponytail was absolutely ruined, drool was dry on his face. His eyes looked a tad puffy from lingering rest, but he was definitely rested. He felt groggy disoriented and stood up, stumbling over to Tavriel to find someone to ground him back into the waking world. He bent over her and placed his head on her shoulder, "G'morning." He slurred, nuzzling into her like a needy dog.

Rein had not forgotten what he'd done, however, he'd already allowed her to choose to want to keep him around. He was allowing himself forgiveness since she had given it so freely. He allowed his mind peace, or else he'd never feel comfortable around her, again. He was going to allow himself an opportunity for old wounds to heal to keep her safe. He owes that to her.

After a moment, he lifted his head and frowned, a sour look on that groggy face. He lingered a touch over the bruises on her neck, however, this was not the cause of the frown. His stomach gurgled loudly. He was a big man. A few bites of food over an entire day was not enough to fully sustain him. Right now, he was too tired for full sentences, but he was asking her if they had food he could make. Barbarians need their meals, after all.

@notyetfixed

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His words broke her heart. Her head leaned against his as Rein leaned against her. Gentle hands smoothed along what she could reach; one along his hair and the other along his back and shoulders. She knew that she couldn't promise that he wouldn't hurt her, but Tavriel also knew that deep down that there was something they could do to fix it. Or, at least, try to help. She couldn't let him live in fear of hurting her.

"I will figure out a way to help you. I swear it." Her voice is soft, but determined. When he sat up, her hand softly wiped whatever remained of his tears. His arms were ever gentle with her as he shifted upon her bedroll. Those soft lips against her forehead send her heart flitting about in her chest. It leaves an emptiness in her chest, a hollow feeling, to be from his side. She was besotted. Completely enamored. She would do what she could to make sure he knew that her affections were not conditional. What happened in the night had not deterred her from his side.

Gale and Shadowheart walked in and out, checking on her often, but her focus never left her companion. The wizard would check on her mental status, asking her how she was doing, while Shadowheart continued to heal her wounds as best she could. There was nothing to do about the aesthetic of how she looked. The petechiae would fade from her eyes and the bruises would dissipate in time.

But, nevertheless, Tavriel was at least glad he was getting some sleep, and necessary sleep at that.

Rein looked at her as she spoke and pulled her in close, taking in her scent as he buried his head in her shoulder, "I-I'm afraid to sleep." He mumbled, "If I hurt you again, I could never live with myself..." But he knew she was right. Deep down, he knew that if he didn't rest, they'd never be able to function in missions. And they had some important ones coming up.

A tear fell down his cheek before he sat up to wipe it away, "Okay... I-I'm gonna trust you with everyone here... I'll try and rest" he relented, gently picking her up and laying her on her pillows, leaving a kiss on her forehead and letting his lips linger for just a few moments, "I adore you... You... You rest." He stepped out of the tent, moving to a bedroll that was a bit away from the campsite.

It took him an hour to finally close his eyes, but when he did, he was out cold. People were talking at full volume in camp and he didn't stir. Not only did he stay up with her, but it seemed that he hadn't slept in a few days before that, already.

@notyetfixed

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He was tired. Beyond tired. Tavriel's eyebrows knit together as she leaned her head into his hand as it touched her cheek. He had truly been awake this entire time? When she said she didn't want to be without him, this wasn't what she meant. He needed sleep, too. Even if he was only on the other side of the tent to be near. Guilt settled into her chest as she pushed herself upright.

The elf could see the concern on Gale's face, but as soon as Rein's emotions caused him to snap, Tav motioned to her companions that it was okay, especially as he began to smooth her hair. He was on edge. No one could blame him. Giving both Gale and Shadowheart a look, she waited for them to leave before turning back to Rein.

"...h-hey...look...I'm here..." her hands gently take his. She places one hand against her cheek while she quietly places several kisses against the inside of his palm.

"I'm okay...I'm good..." Radiant eyes meet his as she tries to plead with him, to reiterate that she was alright. "I need you to be good, too...we won't get very far in this journey if you're not rested."

Rein held her close as he fell asleep. He waited. Watched. Only moved when Shadowheart came to check on her and treat her wounds a little more.

When she jolted awake, Rein jumped, clearly on edge. And his eyes. His poor eyes. His had the largest bags under them. He was... Much more calm, but the stress was still etched into his face. He placed a hand on her cheek and looked at her with bloodshot eyes, "I'm here." He spoke softly, "You're... You're with me."

He wanted to bad to tell her that he was safe, but his face went pale, "You... You're here." He repeated, "I haven't let go... And I won't... Not until you're okay."

"Rein... Rest. We can take-" Gale began, but was immediately cut off by the barbarian.

"No! I'm fine..." He snapped a bit, stroking Tavriel's hair and trying to temper his breathing.

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Tavriel wasn't the one to eavesdrop into one's thoughts. As soon as she got the slightest hint of his inability to coherently reply, if he even knew how to reply, she closed off her communication with him. She didn't want to invade his privacy. When he didn't speak, Tav knew that he must've been feeling awful. They had been talking for most of the night, so to hear his silence made her feel awful.

As he picked her up, a hand gently placed itself against his chest while her head leaned against his shoulder. Lithe digits worried the fabric of his sleep shirt as her eyelids got heavier. The haste was nice to be able to get her to him, but this exhaustion was quite the drawback. She'd have to thank Gale for it...

A weary smile found her lips when he would kiss her neck. Tavriel would smooth her hand across his chest in a forgiving gesture, settling over his heart as a way to try and convince him she was alright. At some point, she did black out. The adrenaline finally out of her system, and her mind crashing.

She jolted awake, though, when she realized she had fallen into that sleep state. Panic set in almost immediately. Her body would've gone ramrod had it not been for Shadowheart's hand on her head and shoulder, keeping her down for a moment. After what seemed an eternity, Tavriel was able to look around. They were back at camp? Her gaze slowly trailed up to find Rein sitting there, still seeming pale and distraught.

"Rein..." Her voice was less gravely, but still hoarse, her hand reaching up softly to touch his cheek, fingers brushing along the trails that had been left when he had cried earlier.

Rein visibly shook while she was in his head, his own thoughts a jumbled mess of anxiety, fear, rage. Incoherent rambling returning to her from his own skull. He couldn't speak to her through the tadpole, back. It was pretty clear that he especially wasn't capable of it, now, but there was a reason he insisted on using his voice when speaking to people. Rein neve learned how to use his like the others. He rejected his tadpole. And this was precisely why.

Still, he wordlessly picked up Tavriel in his arms, still shaking as he held her close and began to walk back to camp. Tears fell down his face as he occasionally bent over to kiss the bruises on her neck.

He wasn't going to make her give him up, but he didn't have the capacity for speech. Not in his head. Not in his voice. He just walked her back to camp so he could hold her close while Shadowheart continued to work on her. He didn't make eye contact with anyone besides her. He was ashamed in himself. Hurt. A little broken. Nothing that couldn't be healed, but he needed to allow himself the time to do that.

Luckily, the people at camp didn't seem to blame Rein for hurting her. They had heard his screams of terror in the night before. They knew it wasn't on purpose. But... Rein still refused eye contact with them. He wanted to explain on his own terms. One at a time.

@cxnvenit

[nyf-archive]

Being in his arms, despite everything that had happened, was what she wanted. Truly, it was an accident...Tavriel didn't blame him. Her voice was lost in the inflammation, so she used the tadpole for the only thing it was good for. She linked her mind with his, letting her voice fill his thoughts. "I don't care...you told me what happened with you and I made that choice...I took the risk, and I wouldn't change what happened."

Gale's spell made her limbs heavy, her brain foggier than what it already was. "I needed to find you." Opalescent eyes roam over his features as he examines her. Her hand fell against his cheek while his digits relive the events, the turmoil contorting his brow and filling him with emotions. "I forgive you, Rein...I'll always forgive you..." Her hand weakly took his and kissed his palm softly.

As he pressed his forehead to hers, she shook her head and searched his gaze, hoping to make him understand that she was okay. "Please don't take my choice away...I don't want to be without you." Though her mouth remained unmoving, Tavriel spoke nothing but truth. With what strength she had left, the woman pushed up softly in his arms, her nose brushing against his before her lips connected with his, kissing him as tenderly as she could to display her affection for him.

"Had I been anyone else, you would've easily crushed their windpipes, severed arteries or broke their necks....you were using all the strength you had and I've taken minimal harm, Rein...I know it's hard, but you have to find the positive in it that I have..." her dark lashes fluttered as she kissed him once more, exhaustion pulling her closer to unconsciousness. How else could she help him?

"Please...come back to camp...stay with me, even if it's on the other side of the tent...I don't want to fall asleep without you near..."

Rein's heart pounded in his ears, breath still heavy before he heard his name. The world crashed back down at the feeble voice running towards him. He sat up, body quivering, but instinctively catches her when she stumbles.

His eyes fell to her neck, biting his lip, "Tavriel... I-I can't... I nearly killed you..." He wanted to push her away, but he really just... couldn't. She was holding him so tight. So desperately, "I hurt you... After you trusted me. I knew the risks and I climbed in to hold you, anyway. What if... What if I hadn't stopped? What if I'd-" his mind raced along with his heart. His face was pale and his blood ran cold.

Still, Rein scooped her weaker body into his arms and pulled her close, "You shouldn't have run after me... You need healing." He traced his fingers along her neck before taking that hand and placing it over his eyes, "I'm so sorry... I-I didn't... Fuck!" He let his head fall to hers, "...fuck..." Rein's breath hitched, "I'm sorry, Tavriel... I-I didn't know..." A tear slipped down his cheek and dropped down his nose, "I-I can't put you in danger like that, anymore..."

@cxnvenit

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Tavriel took only a split second to try and collect herself, her hands digging into the ground as she tries to focus on the Ancient ties. Taking deep, ragged breaths, the woman would open her eyes, color changing and pupils morphing into those like her guardian. The colors of the world change around her. Digging deep into her reserves, Tavriel finds her feet once more, ignoring the screaming of her body to stop.

She can pick up his footsteps once more, the warm spots on the ground indicating what direction he had gone. Though her pace wasn't very fast, Tav did her best to find him. What was running through his head? Did he think he had killed her? Is that why he took off? Saving her voice from further damage, her momentum stayed in a forward motion.

That was until she broke through a clearing, the moonlight gleamed off the lake and illuminating the shore. Those draconic eyes picked him up at the edge, curled up into a tight ball. Her feet moved before she could even think of what the right way to approach this situation would be. She didn't care.

"Rein...!" Her voice cracks as the distance is closed between them. As soon as he's within reach, the woman stumbles a bit, but slides to his side. Her arms wrap around him, practically covering his curled form on the ground, her arms squeezing him as she pants for air, the hastening was wearing off and the exhaustion hit her almost tenfold.

"Rein...p-please...I-I'm okay..." It was hard to speak, but she had to let him know. Her arms tightened that much more around him, trying to convey that, no matter what, she was still there...she loved him. She loved him. She forgave him.

Rein finally stopped when reality had begun to set in. He was at the edge of a lake, nearby before he fell to his hands and knees and started to sob. He curled up into a ball, falling on to his side and pulling at his hair. His breaths were erratic. He's hurt her. The one person who loved and trusted him more than the others. The person he specifically promised to never harm. He felt sick. He felt actually physically ill, wretching and coughing, but nothing came up.

The sobbing was so hard that it actually gave him the hiccups as he laid next to the water, the moon perfectly over the surface. It might've been serene if he weren't panicking, actively.

It was in this moment that he hurt worse than he'd ever hurt in his whole adult life. He opened his heart... He allowed her to as well. And the first thing he did was hurt her. Sure. He didn't know it was her, but it was. He was a monster. Just like his brothers used to tell him. Just like his mother used to scream at him. Just like they said when they carved open his young face. He didn't deserve love. Why was he even trying?

All this happening, Rein was muttering to himself, shaking still pulling on his hair. He didn't even hear her when she got closer. He wasn't in his right mind.

@cxnvenit

[nyf-archive]

There was not a sound that reached her ears, her eyes in a twilight as the magic worked its way into the half-elf above her. But as soon as the hands retracted, her lungs instinctively sucked in as much air as she could muster. It wasn't much, but it was just enough to bring her from fading completely from this world. She stirred slightly as she felt the immediate wash of warm healing forces surging through her.

The voices speaking to her were soft, the hands that brushed hair from her face and smoothed over her neck. The hushed whispers became words, which then grew into shouting. Shadowheart's hand kept her down by her shoulder, something about being alright and Rein and other words her brain wasn't understanding.

Shit. Rein. As immediately as she could, the elf maiden would push up and out of Shadowheart's grasp, stumbling passed Halsin who she could tell was almost begging her to lie down. Gale stood in front of her for only a moment. He just softly touched her shoulder and imbued her with a bit of hastening before stepping out of her way. She immediately took off into the dark.

This was a terrible idea. Her mind was hazy as she followed the tracks in the dirt, her head spun as she tried to take deeper breaths.

"REIN!" Her voice was hoarse, ragged in her throat. It was pathetic, but it was just loud enough, "REIN! PLEASE!" A fit of coughing followed her desperate plea, the world spun faster now, and all she could do was sit in her curled position, tears fell in rivulets down her cheeks. What was she to do? The voices of her companions were far behind her, but Tavriel was focused ahead. Even if she had to crawl, she would find him.

It happened all at once, the headbutt kicking off the feeling of reality, washing back into his system. As his eyes focused, he saw someone in his grasp and it took him only a moment to realize what had happened. A nightmare. Someone had attempted to wake him. His vision spun. It was hard to wake up and realize who it was that was under him

When his vision was centered and he saw who he was choking Rein let go, he saw her drifting and he screamed. Loudly. He was panicking, "No-No-No-NoNoNoNoNo-!"

He scrambled out of the tent to go for Shadowheart who was already awake due to his scream. Everyone was. He brought her to Tavriel, ears ringing, body trembling and looking at his hands.

All he could hear was muffled speech, ringing, and his own elevated heartbeat. He backed away, further, ignoring anyone who called out to him, tripping a little before turning tail and running straight for the woods, blindly.

He wasn't sure where he was going. But he needed to leave. He needed to just... Run... Far away from them. All of them.