#tanis just went 'how long can we go without telling the listener anything'

[haveyouheardthispodcast]

LOVING all the salt in the tags for the black tapes 💗

[murphyhatesme]

Sorting it out

Summary: The boys sort it out with a little help from their extended family (notes at the end - AO3 Link )

Steve sighs as he puts his phone back in his lap. Leaving Danny is the hardest part of this but the mission has run its course, he’s done. He needs time to shake the memories, to find the fabled peace of mind. A sense of dread tries to claw its way up from the pit of his stomach, he squashes it but it’s too late. A visual has already wormed its way into his mind, Danny, alone in his chair on Steve’s beach. The urge to get off the plane and back to Danny is strong but he manages to suppress it. He wonders what would have happened if he finally told Danny that the casual ‘I love yous’ had taken a deeper meaning for him over the last two years. This afternoon, for one glorious moment, he thought Danny was going to lean in and kiss him, but his partner turned away and left Steve staring at his back. It cemented his belief that he needed to leave the island, get over Danny, find peace and then maybe he could go back to seeing Danny as his best friend and not a love interest. Then he remembers Danny’s face and the look he gave Steve. He rubs at his eyes, fuck is he making a mistake?

“Is this seat taken?”

Steve glances up in shock, because he recognises that voice.

“Catherine ..”

“Hey sailor”

“It was you? You cracked the cypher?”

She nods her head yes.

“Lincoln got a hold of me, said you guys needed some help. So ..”

“He’s a good man”

“He must be, did you really give him the keys to Danno’s car?”

“Well, we can’t have Danny Williams driving his own car”

“Yes we can, you just won’t allow it.”

They both smile before Catherine sits down and takes his hand, squeezing it slightly.

“What are you doing Steve?”

He sighs, letting his head fall against the rest and closes his eyes.

“I just need to be on my own for a while. Find a semblance of peace”

“No, I’m not talking about that and you know it.”

Cath tugs on his arm and he rolls his head towards her, taking a deep breath before he looks at her.

“Why in god's name are you leaving the one thing behind that can give you everything you are looking for huh?”

“I .. Now listen. We don’t .. Jesus Cath, Danny doesn’t love me that way okay?”

She squints her eyes, a broad smile taking over her beautiful face.

“I meant the team, you know, your chosen family? Funny you immediately jumped to Danny.”

“I ..”

But Cath holds up her hand and shakes her head.

“No. shh. Let me talk okay?”

When he doesn’t answer she prods his shoulder.

“Fine! Were you always this bossy?”

“Yes I was, you liked that about me. And I’m pretty sure it’s why you fell for Danny.”

He shakes his head and opens his mouth but she gives him a look and he makes a zipping motion with his hand.

“Look, I know the past few years have been hard, especially the last months. I, more than most people, understand the need to get away. After Billy, I needed to find some peace but most of all quiet. A place where I could admit to myself that we” she gestures between them “became complacent. We were together because it was comfortable, easy if you will. I love you, very much, but we weren’t in love  at the end. You and Danny? You fit. He loves you. Probably more than he’s willing to admit. And you love him, have loved him for a while now. I don’t understand why you haven’t said anything yet? You were never shy? And I know what you guys got up to in the barracks after the light went out.”

“Can I talk yet?”

“Don’t be a smart ass.”

“Danny and me, it’s complicated. I always thought once we’re settled, with a pension plan in place we would see what we could become. But it was never the right time, always something going on and then a few months ago he started pushing me to date. And then I realised I missed my window.”

She looks at him intently for a moment.

“So nothing happened to make him push you away? Nothing at all?”

“No?”

“So you didn’t sell the restaurant? Told him you weren’t ready?”

Steve blanches, Danny knows it was just the restaurant. Right?

“Danny knows that was just the restaurant!”

He’s aware of the slight panic in his voice as he echoes his thoughts. Cath places a warm hand on his arm and he focuses on that as he takes a deep breath.

“That was your pension. Your happily ever after. The one you pushed to have, together. And then suddenly you’re out? That must have stung and maybe it told him you weren’t ready to take the next step.”

“But he said if you’re out, I’m out. I mean this wasn’t my decision alone!”

“Of course he said that.  He. Loves. You .”

“I know. We’re best friends.”

“Right, I hoped this wouldn’t be necessary but you are .. argh!”

Steve frowns as he watches her raise her arm. Within seconds two air marshals come into the cabin, stopping short at their row.  

“Commander McGarrett,” the marshal, Andy Turner, steps to the side as Cath moves to the empty seat across the path “If you’d be so kind as to follow us.”

Steve narrows his eyes at Cath, he gets up but he’s not feeling kind at all.

“What did you do?”

“It’s for your own good.”

“What did you do?”

He repeats and he’s conscious of all the eyes on them.

“Missing a window is not possible if you are the one crafting it. Also if there was a right time? Then this is it.”

“Cath you can’t force this. It’s not your decision to make.”

She grins at him as she pushes past him to take the window seat.

“As I said, it’s for your own good. Oh and Steve?”

He stops but doesn’t look back.

“Don’t blame the kids okay? They just want you to be happy.”

The marshals lead him off the plane straight into a holding cell. It’s bare, one cot, pillow, sheets and toilet and sink in the corner. They leave him there. He inspects every surface of the small room, already knowing he won’t find any surveillance equipment because monitoring the cells is in violation of the privacy law. He sits down and waits.

Not even thirty minutes later the door opens and Danny comes in, leaning heavily on his cane. When Tani lingers in the doorway Steve suddenly and with clarity knows exactly what Cath meant with don’t blame the kids. He rushes forward but Tani is quicker and she closes the door with a deafening sound. He slowly turns to Danny and goes for the offence.

“Look what you did! Now we’re stuck here.”

Danny hmms, sits down on the cot and purses his lips.

“Do you honestly think I didn't know they were up to something? Steve, you’ve been gone for an hour and a half, when Cath called to tell me you were detained at the airport nobody was surprised. Charlie is a better actor than most of our team.”

Steve grins at that, remembering Charlie’s innocent face when a bag of candy appeared on the belt at the supermarket. Danny catches his eye and Steve’s heart seems to skip a beat. The dread turns into hope and somehow that’s worse.

“So why are we here Steve?”

“Because Cath is a busybody.”

Danny’s sigh is filled with disappointment and Steve’s stomach clenches.

“Fine. We’ll wait them out.”

The silence is oppressing and Steve struggles to keep quiet when suddenly Danny’s cane hits the ground, hard.

“No. You know what? You’re finally going to listen to me without deflecting or running away! You’re an asshole.”

Steve opens his mouth but Danny is suddenly in his space holding a finger up.

“Shut it.  You are an asshole. You were perfectly fine with walking away and not looking back. I get it. I do. But fuck Steve you left me months ago. You twisted your way into my heart, my home, my life and eventually my retirement. And I let you. That is on me. But just when I, we, landed on the same page you dropped me. The restaurant was too much. You couldn’t do it. It wasn’t you. And again I got it. I let you walk out but you kept coming back and I couldn’t handle it. So I pushed you away, onto the dating scene, hopefully giving me a fighting chance to get over you and still I .. Then you told me you needed time. Away from me, from everything you call home and for the last time I told you fine. I thought this is it, I was going to tell you but you shut me down. I just, I desperately wanted to be the reason you’d stay. But this morning made me realise I’m once again not enough. And that’s fine, this is the story of my life. I .. with all my negative thinking, with every imagined scenario you leaving me behind never crossed my mind. That’s how sure I.. Look, I’m sorry. This isn’t fair but damn it! I’m pissed.”

Steve blinks, the hope burst into a million tiny butterflies.

“Okay, sit down before you keel over.”

He helps a grumbling Danny back to the cot.

“I really just meant the restaurant Danno. I could never truly walk away from you. You’re in my heart. I don’t want to give you a fighting chance. You’ve always been enough for me.”

Danny narrows his eyes at him but Steve ignores it and kneels down between Danny’s legs. He tugs him close and buries his face into Danny’s neck, inhaling the familiar scent. Danny tightens his arms around him, mumbling half hearted threats into his shoulder and Steve feels a tension, he didn’t know he was holding, leaving his body. He sags into the embrace, closing his eyes and just breathes for a moment. Eventually he draws back and looks Danny in the eye, he leans in slightly, giving Danny ample time to pull away. But when Danny raises his brow, Steve grins and plants a soft kiss on the corner of Danny’s mouth. Danny huffs and yanks him into a proper kiss, groaning when Steve deepens the kiss almost immediately. He gets lost in the kiss, loving the feeling of Danny’s fingers carding through his hair. They kiss for a long time, mapping each other’s mouths, necking like teenagers on a first date. He slips his hands down Danny’s back, but pulls away when he feels Danny twinge. Right, bruising, from the kidnapping. Fuck.

“Ah sorry.”

“You didn’t beat me up Steve.”

“No but it was ..”

Danny kisses the words out of his mouth and for a moment he forgets everything around him. Until Danny breaks the kiss, sweeping a thumb over Steve’s sensitive bottom lip.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“But Danny, you are the most important person in my life right now and everybody knows it. I can’t do this without you. I’d rather be miserable on my own knowing you are safe than be responsible for your .. So you see now why it’s better for me to leave?”

He looks at Danny willing him to understand only to be met with an eye roll and a cuff to the back of his head.

“I know you like to think you are superman but you do not control the actions of other people Steven. I’d rather have you here, being able to save me than thousands of miles away and not being able to do a damn thing. Afghanistan and Korea taught me that. So if you are going to stay, then make damn sure that this is what you want because if you leave again then we are done. No take backs, no do overs.”

Steve looks away, he’s going to have to stop fooling himself seeing as how he isn’t fooling anyone else. Cath was right, now is the time.

“I hear Jersey is nice this time of year.”

Danny’s laugh is music for his soul and he leans in to taste it.

******

Smiling, Tani quietly closes the peephole in the door. She checks her watch and shoots off a text to Cath  ‘mission accomplished’  seconds later she gets a  ‘I love it when a plan comes together’ back.

Fin

I seem to be on a roll, part of it is that people keep giving me inspiring prompts and another part of it is the fandom collectively deciding we needed a slightly altered ending. This tiny fix it story is based on a tumblr post from mcdannohmygod, @mireilleleerves​ tagged me in it and I really liked the idea. I did give it a twist, though. Hope you enjoyed it!

[chickensarentcheap]

Sanctuary - Chapter 56

Warnings: none

Tagging: @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @thunderintheshadows​, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @alievans007​, @valkyrie-of-the-light​

Tyler arrives in Christchurch at four in the afternoon; wasting no time in collecting his lone bag from luggage claim and then picking up the rental car Nik had arranged under an alias.  After the fuck up leaving Colorado the first time, Nik had been on the ball about making sure security and privacy were locked up tight; no trace back to his real name or hometown, an extra secure encryption every he sent a text message or email, arranging to pay everything by cash instead of using a credit or debit card that could be linked back to his real identity. While it's near certain that word had gotten back to the Buckman family about who he is and that he's coming for the kids, it's essential that his exact day and time of arrival isn't discovered. It would keep them on  their toes, perhaps even make them anxious enough to start making mistakes, and make it easier to get in and around the building for initial recon without being spotted. So he wears a a pair of sunglasses and a ball cap low on his brow; the hood of his sweater pulled up to cover his head.  It's a cool day in New Zealand, so he won't stand out in his attire or draw any suspicion towards himself. It's the last hing he wants or needs, preferring to just show up out of nowhere and catch the Buckmans -and whoever is doing their dirty work- by surprise.

He heads to the hotel first; a modest yet spacious two room suite on the ninth floor of a fifteen story building on the busy downtown core. Nik had already arranged for Yaz to have access; everything that he'd left behind in Ireland -clothes, personal belongings, the weapons- having been brought along and dropped off. The weapons behind locked in one of the closets; a heavy metal chain wrapped around the handles and then secured with a combination lock. The code sent to his SAT.

He calls home. It's nine in the morning back in Colorado and he wakes her from a dead sleep, and he spends the first minutes apologizing profusely and the following ten making sure that she's feeling okay; checking that she's been taking her meds, eating, drinking. Once more clarifying that she knows exactly how to handle things if the worst case scenario becomes a reality. If he doesn't make it home and she's left to not only face the aftermath, but relegated to being the sole caregiver of four -soon to be five- children. And he tells her he loves her; making sure that she knows -beyond all shadow of a doubt- just how much, and how'd she'd changed his life...and him...for the better. Things he probably should have told her a long time ago. Avoiding all the hurt and the feelings of doubt and abandonment that she'd gone through during his frequent absences.

Next he leaves the hotel and heads out into the street; grabbing coffee and something to eat before texting Yaz for his exact whereabouts. Anxious to see the suspected extraction location. Check out the locals. How busy the street and the neighbourhood itself is. How likely was it  that there would be civilian casualties when the Buckmans fought back. Where could an offensive be launched from? What did the possible entrance and exit points look like and how many options for both were there? Where could the hostiles hide out or mount their attack from? Relaying on other peoples' observations and plans is useless and a waste of his time. He has to see things for himself; run through every possible scenario, make his own plans. In the end if was his show to run; he was the one with the experience, who wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty, who got down into the trenches where things were the most dangerous and unpredictable.  

Yaz has set up shop in an abandoned office building across the street from the old store owned by Heather McMann's grandmother; the twelfth floor giving an unobstructed view of not only the front and back of the little shop, but of the entire row of brownstones and the alley ways on either end of the block, and behind.   And he knocks twice on the door; hands shoved in the pockets of his hoodie, rocking back and forth on his heels ever so slightly as he waits for someone to answer. Listening to the muffled conversations and the push of a chair across hardwood and the shuffling of footsteps as they approach the door. Mark answers; giving him little more than a smirk and then stepping back and holding the door open for him, gesturing for him to come in.

“Holy fuck, look at this!” Yaz calls out. “The lost sheep has returned to the flock! The fucking prodigal son has returned!”

“I've only been gone for two days and you missed me that much? What are you going to do when I'm gone for good? When I stop picking up the phone when your sister calls?”

“I'm going to stalk the every loving shit out of you until you come back,” Yaz says, and then embraces him warmly.

“I'm not coming back. I told you that. This is it Last one.”

“I give it a year. Before you're bored as hell and itching to get back out there.”

“Not gonna happen. I already told you.  I'm done after this. Time to be a family man. Time to be the husband my wife deserves.”

“Good like with that,” Mark mutters as he steps past him.  “She doesn't know a good thing when she has one.”

Tyler smirks. “I know you're not talking about yourself, because everyone in this room knows what you're like. Or do we need to talk about it again? About how you like to beat on women?”

“Easy...easy...” Yaz clamps a hand down onto his shoulder.  “...don't let him get to you. He's just trying to get under your skin. How about you go over there and sit down, Mark.  Quit trying to cause shit with my boy. Because you push your luck too far, he's going to rip you limb from limb. And not one of us in here are going to stop it. Are we boys?”

Both of the young Marines shake their heads.

“Good to have you back,” Nathan says, and pulls him into one of the awkward, one armed hugs that some guys seem to be into these days. “I know you wouldn't bail. Zak and I had faith. Unlike some people,” he jerks a thumb in Mark's direction.

“Thought maybe you didn't have it in you anymore,” Mark says, as he spreads his legs out in front of him and clasps his hands behind his neck. “That you lost your nerve.”

“Man's got more nerve in his baby finger than you have your entire body,” Yaz remarks. “And he wasn't bailing on us. He had some shit to take care of back home.”

“What kind of shit?” Mark inquires.

“Shit that isn't any of your business,” Tyler replies, and follows Yaz as he motions him over to the window.

“I figured if you wanted them to know, you'd tell them,” Yaz says, voice low.  “How's things? She's okay?”

“Fainted, hit her head and gave herself a handful of stitches and a concussion. Doctor says her blood pressure was high and she was severely dehydrated. To the point of kidney issues.”

“But she's going to be okay, right? Like it's nothing that could...you know...”

“Nothing that bad.  They've got her on meds. That should keep things normal from here on out.”

“And the baby? Everything's okay?”

“So far. Baby looks healthy, everything is where it's supposed to be, nothing's missing. The date's a little fuckey, but....”

“Fuckey how? You weren't home that day or something?”

“Not like that. Just farther ahead than we thought. Way farther ahead. Almost four months.”

“I mean, I'm no expert, but shouldn't you have known sooner? Like aren't these things obvious before now?”

“Normally. But when has anything ever been normal with us?”

“Well congrats,” Yaz pats him on the back. “Now get neutered okay? Five of you is enough. Did you look over what I sent you?”

Tyler nods.

“What do you think?”

“I think I need to get down there and see things for myself. Old blueprints and land claims and photos mean nothing. I need to get actual eyes on the place. Anyone been coming and going out of there?”

“Lot of weird shit been happening. Mostly people going in and out of the back door.”

“Get a good look at them? Anything that can be used for facial recognition?”

“Always keep their heads down. And there's no security cameras anywhere in that alley. We've checked. Twice.”

“Do people live in the apartments above? They occupied?”

“There's twenty residential apartments and five businesses. We haven't checked with the residents.”

“Someone might have their own security camera,” Tyler suggests. “Fire escapes right? They might be wanting to keep an eye on anyone coming up and down them for safety reasons. What's the alley like back there? How wide?”

“About ten feet. If that. Get a car in there and get blocked in...”

“You're totally fucked,” Tyler concludes.

Yaz nods. 'We've got Tanis down there right now. Doing some recon. We thought we had a sighting of Heather McMann yesterday but it never panned out. She went in the back door, never came back out.”

He frowns. “You've been watching all this time? Who's been watching the cameras when you're not here?”

“That would be me,” Mark pipes up.

“And you never saw anyone come back out?” Tyler inquires. “Whoever this woman was. She just went in and never came back out?”

“Not on my watch.”

“Not on mine either,” Yaz says. “And you know I'm anal about watching my cameras.”

“And she went in yesterday and you never saw her again?” Tyler stares pointedly at Mark. “You're one hundred percent sure that you never saw her.”

“I have eyes.  I can fucking see,” Mark snarls.

“I want to see the footage. Bring it up on the computer, Yaz. You keep that shit, right?”

His friend gives him a look that clearly means that was a ridiculous question to ask. That of course he keeps the footage and how dare you suggest otherwise.

“I just fucking told you!” Mark snaps.

“I know what you told me. And I'm telling you that I want to see the footage.”

Mark jumps up with enough force to send the chair sliding backwards and then toppling to the ground. Crossing the room in four strides, until he's toe to toe with Tyler, who only smirks in response.  “You telling me I don't know how to do my job? I'm FBI you fucking half wit. We do this shit for a living.”

“I'm just saying you might have fucked up. How does she go on and not come back out? Explain that to me.”

“Maybe he fucked up,” Mark nods at Yaz. “Maybe he missed her.”

“I don't fuck up,” Yaz informs him. “Never do I fuck up.”

“I want to see the goddamn footage,” Tyler demands. “What's the problem?”

“You think you can just walk back in here like you never left?” Mark rages. “Like you run the whole show?”

“Well technically it is his job,” Zak attempts to reason. “So he is kinda running things.”

“You take off for a couple of days and think you can just walk back in and...”

“I want to see the fucking footage,” Tyler angrily interjects. “I'm not asking. I'm telling. What's the goddamn issue? Just get on the computer and show me what I want to see.”

“You're an arrogant fuck, Rake. You think you can just take off for a couple of days so you can go home and get your dick wet and...”

Frowning, Tyler steps even closer to Mark.  His tone calm and even, despite the rage that begins to simmer inside of him.  “What the fuck did you just say?”

“Easy...easy...” Yaz lays a hand on his shoulder. “...no reason for this to turn into a thing...”

“It's been a  'thing' right from the beginning,” Mark says. “He's had a hard on for hating me right from the get go. Before he even met me.”

“I didn't need to meet you to know you're a fucking asshole, mate.  I'd heard all about you.  I'd been hoping I wouldn't meet you because I knew I'd probably kill you if I did.”

'Well I'm right here. What's stopping you? If you're as big and tough as you let on you are...”

Tyler smirks. “You're not even worth it.”

“You go home, you get laid, you come back and suddenly you're the boss? Fuck you, Rake. We've been doing all the work while you were off getting your dick sucked...”

“You need to watch your fucking mouth. Don't bring my wife into this.”

“Hey, I get it. I understand. I mean, she gives really good head, am I right?”

His forearm is across McMann's throat before anyone in the room can even react, and he forcefully pushes the other man across the room, slamming him against the back of the door. And as there's chaos and clamour as the Marines and Yaz rush over in an attempt to diffuse the situation, Tyler leans into his full body weight into Mark, further cutting off his airway.

“Don't ever talk about my wife like that.  You don't bring her into your issues with me. Don't say her name. Don't even think about her. Because I will fucking kill you and I won't feel the least bit sorry about it.”

“You can't stand it can you,” Mark chokes out.  “That I was with her before you.  Fucking her before you were. You can't stand thinking about it, can you.”

“I don't give a shit about any of that. She had a life before me. You know what I give a shit about? All the things that you did to her. How you fucked her head up. You're a real man, Mark. Putting your hands on a woman that's half your size. Did it make you feel big and tough? When you were beating the shit out of her? I bet it made you feel like a real big man, didn't it.”

“You have no clue what went on.  How she pushes and pushes and...”

“Oh I know. I know what she can be like, trust me. But you know what? I don't put my fucking hands on her. Because I'd kill myself if I ever even thought about it. I don't give a shit what she does or what she says or how big of a pain the ass she can be, you don't do shit like that.  You're a coward. You beat on women because you can't take on someone your own size. Well I'm right here. You want to take a shot, just do it.”

“Yeah...that's not a good idea...” Yaz pipes up. “...not a good idea at all.  So can you two comparing your dicks long enough for us to get some work done? Because I'd really like to get this job over and done with. And you two assholes are not helping.”

“Do it...” Tyler takes a step back, removing his arm from Mark's throat.  “...I'm right here, fuck head. What? Suddenly you're not so tough? It's a whole different ball game when you've got someone your own size willing to take you on, isn't it.”

“Not exactly a fair fight,” Yaz says. “You've got like six inches on him and probably fifty pounds, so...”

“Not to mention you would kill him,” Nathan adds. “You know, considering the shit you've done to people with your bare hands.”

“Typical for guys like you, Rake, “ Mark scoffs. “All show and no go. All those muscles don't mean shit when you got nothing to back them up.”

“I've got plenty to back them up, mate. All you've got is that mouth of yours. Constantly fucking running it. And I won't hesitate being the guy that knocks all your teeth out. So keep fucking testing me. See how far you can push me. Go ahead.”

“No, don't,” Yaz manages to get between them.  “Don't push him. This is not what we're here for. We're here for those two kids. This job has gone on long enough and I'm tired and I'm pissed and I'm irritated as fuck. So stop the pissing contest. Both of you. I get it, Mark's a huge dick and he deserves to have the shit kicked out of him for what he did to Esme. But can you at least rein all this in until after the job is done? Let's get those kids the fuck out of there and then you can drag him out into the street and finally beat the shit out of him. But for now...” he lays his hands on Tyler's shoulders and pushes him backwards. “...you need to calm the fuck down and focus. I need you to focus. You're not good to me or those kids if your heads not on straight. Right?” he lightly slaps his friend on the cheek. “Right?”

Tyler nods.

“Get your shit together. I need your head in the game. And you...” he turns to glare at Mark.  “...get off his jock and quit trying to cause shit with him. Because he will do some serious damage and not one of us in here has the balls to try and stop him when he gets doing. Talk a walk or something. Go and get us coffee. Food. Make yourself useful. Maybe one of you boys can go with him. Calm him the hell down. We do not need this shit!”

“I'll do it,” Zak offers, albeit reluctantly. “You wanna come with, Nate? Stretch your legs? I promise I won't push him into traffic. Unless...” he playfully bumps Tyler's shoulder with his own. “...you want me to. Blink one for yes, twice for no.”

Tyler chuckles. “It's all good, mate. You keep your hands clean. He'll get what's coming to him.”

“That a threat?” Mark asks from the doorway.

“Naw...” Tyler shakes his head. “...that's a promise.”

****

“You good?”   Yaz asks, after the commotion has finally settled down and he sits at his laptop, bringing up the file containing the camera footage from the day before.

“I'm good,”  Tyler replies, and drags over a chair, turning it backwards before sitting down on it. “Fucking guy gets under my skin. I shouldn't let him, but he just doesn't stop.”

“He's like one of those sea dwelling amoebas that you can only see under a microscope yet they burrow into you and start causing all kinds of shit from the inside out.”

Tyler arches both brows.

“Remind me about it later. I'll show you. There's some cool shit about them on Youtube. Look, I know he's a pain in the ass. I've wanted to kill himself about ten times since yesterday. But he's doing this on purpose. To get a rise out of you. To get in your head. Stopping letting assholes like that take up space in your head without paying rent.”

“You been talking to my wife? Because you sound just like her.”

“Well, brilliant minds think alike. Although I question her intelligence and her sanity considering she willingly took up with you. I can't begin to imagine what she saw in you. Not even in the slightest.”

“Start using more than five pound weights in the gym and you can look like this too. Might take you forty years, but...”

“I will have you know, my lady is happy and satisfied.”

“Lady, huh? The one from the coffee shop? Shelly? Sherry? Whatever the hell her name is? The one I saw half naked.”

“Siobhan. And I'm still pissed at you about that. Cockblocking wasn't on your resume when you applied for the job. You at least like what you saw?”

Tyler chuckles. “You want me to rate your 'lady' or whatever the fuck she is?”

“I'll go first if you want. I'll rate Esme and then...”

“Yeah, no. Don't do that. Because I will have to kill you and it would break my heart a bit because I kind of like you. So...”

“I'd put her at a ten, by the way. If that makes a difference.”

“When have you seen enough to rate my wife? Is there something you're not telling me about?”

“I've seen her in a bathing suit. Ten. Definitely a ten. You lucky fucker.”

“Well, it's a ten plus, actually. But stop talking about my wife like that, for fuck sake.”

“You should be flattered. That guys find her attractive. They like what they see but she sticks with you.”

“I am flattered. But it also pisses me off. So...”

“Your turn. What did you think? At least a ten, right? Come on. I know you're married but I also know you look. We all look. Human nature. You like what you see?”

He shrugs. “I'll give her an eight. Nine at the most.”

“Fuck you, Tyler. I gave Esme a ten.”

“Because she is a ten. What I saw was an eight at the lowest and nine at the highest. I'm not into red heads. Plus she's not you...top heavy...”

'I forgot. You're a boob man. Is it true that when women have kids they get bigger? The boobs?”

“We are not talking about my wife's tits. So can we get on with this?”

“Just tell me if it's true. Do they?”

“It's not the kids that make them bigger, dumb ass. It's when they're pregnant with the kids. Pick up a fucking book or look it up on the internet. Why are you asking me?”

“Because you're kind of an expert. You've been through it three times. Now four if we count the one in the oven. So it's true then? You've experienced this yourself?”

“If I give you an answer will you shut the fuck up and get to work?”

“Swear on my mother's grave.”

“Your mother is still alive,” Tyler reminds him.

“My grandmother's than. True or not? Just a one word answer.  Seeing as your so sensitive about this.”

“True. Now can we do this? While I'm still young enough to not be collecting an old age check? Fuck sake. Let's go.”

“So are you really doing it?” Yaz asks, as he puts in the approximate time of the day they'd seen the woman they'd thought was Heather McMann.  “Leaving? Calling it a day?”

“When this is over, yeah. I've got five million reasons not to stick around. And five that are even more important. I've got a family, Yaz. And they deserve to have me around. Not just some of the time. All the time.”

“You're going to drive Esme crazy,” Yaz chuckles. “Being around all that much.”

“I already drive her crazy. What's your point?”

“You're not worried you're going to get bored? Having nothing to do?”

“I'll find things to do. I've got four kids to help take care of. In a few months until be five. That'll keep me busy enough. I don't need to be out killing people.”

“Daddy Tyler,”  Yaz grins.  “Can't wait to see that. I mean, I've seen it before, obviously. But I can't wait to see it at full force. You going to start coaching little league and soccer and driving a mini van?”

“Fuck you, Yaz.”

“You're going to start wearing cardigan sweats and growing your hair out and shaving off your beard,” he laughs. “You're going to turn into a regular Mister Rogers. You and your Starbucks and your deck shoes and your hipster haircut.”

“I honestly will punch you in the throat.”

“I kid, I kid. I can never see you doing anything of those things. And I'd probably put a hit out on you if you ever did do any of those things. You guys gonna stay in Colorado?”

“No. We're leaving. As soon as we can.”

“Back to Australia?”

Tyler nods.

“Can't say that surprises me. You guys were a lot happier when you were there. Didn't fight as much. Things just seemed to change when you guys went to Colorado. And not for the better either.  That's where all the shit started to happen.”

Tyler can't deny that.

“It's like there's something bad in the air. Some bad fucking karma or juju or something. You guys will be happier back in Australia. I'm going to miss you guys. Especially those kids.”

“You can come and visit. I'm leaving the job. Not the people connected to it.”

“See, you will miss me.”

“Of course I will. Everyone needs a dorky friend, right?”

“You know, you start out so well and you go so wrong,” Yaz chuckles, and then stops the footage on the screen. “So, this is the camera in the back alley that I set up. And this is her. The one we thought was Heather McMann.”

Tyler leans forward in his chair, squinting his eyes. “Can you make it bigger?”

“Can I make it bigger,” Yaz scoffs, as he zooms in on the still. “Of course I can.”

Frowning, Tyler pulls his SAT phone out of the side pocket on his cargo shorts and brings up the photo gallery; selecting a picture he'd saved of the woman in question and then holding it up to the screen.

“Looks like her,” Yaz says. “Sort of? Right?”

“That's her. That is definitely her.”

“How can you tell?”

“Look at the marks on her face. The photo I have is when she was being 'held',” he makes air quotes around the last word. “So the bruises were still fresh. Now they're healing and not as noticeable, but they're still there. In the exact same places. Zoom in on her left hand.”

Yaz does what he's told.

“Same tattoo in the exact same place. And her rings are the same. Same engagement ring, same wedding band. There's no way that's not her. And she never came back out? What time is it...” he checks his watch. “...she's been in there for over eighteen hours? No fucking way.”

“If she came out, she didn't come out the back door.”

“You have cameras on the front?”

“You're asking a lot of stupid questions today,”  Yaz sighs, and brings up the footage from the other camera, slowly scrolling through it, frame by frame.  

“Has there been any sign of the kids?” Tyler asks.

“None. Whatsoever. But she did take food and shit in with her. So...”

“Still doesn't mean those kids are in there. She could have been bringing that to people she's working with.”

“You think the shop could be a front for something?”

Tyler shrugs. “This is so fucked up, anything is possible. Stop it. Go back about fifteen seconds.”

Yaz complies, then leans closer to the screen. “Sonofabitch...”

“She came out the front door. She changed her clothes and put a hat on and she walked right out. Right fucking in front of us,” Tyler sighs heavily, then runs his hands over his face. “Fuck!”

“She knows someone is watching her,” Yaz concludes. “It's why she changed her clothes and put a hat on.”

“Fuck!” Tyler rages, as he stands up and kicks the chair across the room. “Fuck!!”

Yaz remains silent.

“How the fuck did you guys miss that? She walked right out the goddamn front door! How the fuck does that happen? She's right across the street! Why did no one go over there and see if it was her when you saw her on camera? You thought it was her but didn't go and check it out? What the fuck, Yaz?!”

“I get it. You're upset. And you've got a right to be. But....”

“I'm not upset. I am beyond upset. Way beyond it  How did you guys fuck up this bad? Four people in this goddamn room, Tanis on the street, and not one person thought to go and see if it was Heather McMann? Not one of you thought that was a good idea?”

“In all fairness, you're the expert and you weren't here so...”

“They're Marines! They know how to take someone down if they have to. Jesus fucking Christ...” he punches a gaping hole in one of he walls. “...how the fuck does this happen?! She was right there. Right across the street. And not one of you went to get her. Who was watching the cameras? Who fucked up? Who didn't see her come back out?”

“I'll give you three guess. But you're only going to need one.”

“Of course it was Mark. Of course it was. That fucking prick!”  Tyler lays his palms against the wall and drops his chin to his chest, attempting to calm himself. “This is a big fuck up. A huge fuck up. An epic fuck up.”

Yaz nods in agreement.

“She was right there and we could have had her. She could have lead us right to those kids.  And not one of you went to see if it was her for sure.”

“We fucked up,” Yaz admits. “Big time.”

“You think?!”

Neither of them speak for several minutes; Yaz waiting for Tyler to fully calm down. He knows it would be a huge mistake; to even utter a single word when his friend is so worked up. Eventually Tyler moves; grabbing a bottle of water from a cooler one of the others had brought with them, twisting off the cap and downing half.

“She come back?” he asks. “Any sign of her returning?”

“None. And I scoured the tapes. Twice. She hasn't come back. Think she will?”

Tyler shrugs. “She knows she's being watched. She knows you guys are here.”

“Think she knows you're here?”

“Probably not. I'm pretty much non existent right now.  There's no sign of me coming into New Zealand. No flight manifesto, no real sign of me on any of the cameras, I haven't used a bank card or a credit card, Nik ordered the car under a different name. So we at least didn't fuck that up.”

“We still have the element of surprise,” Yaz concludes. “At least where you're concerned.”

Tyler nods.

“So we just wait? To see if she comes back? What do you think?”

“I need to get down there. Get my own eyes on things.”

“Could make you. If anyone sees you. If she sees you.”

“Guess it's too late now to worry about it, yeah? If they're going to find out, they're going to find out. But I need to get down there. See things for myself. I don't think it's safe yet to actually go into the building. No way of knowing if there's anyone in there. And if there is, how many there are. I'm not walking into a massacre. Fuck that.”

“You're armed, aren't you.”

“I've got a fucking Glock, Yaz. What good will that do against bigger weapons? It won't do shit. I'd get two, three shots and that's it. We need to know exactly what's going on down there. Any way of getting eyes inside?”

“I could get a hold of my guy. I'm sure he's got the tech. I'll give him a call,” he pulls out his own SAT phone. “What are you going to do?”

“I'm going to go down there and check shit out,” he finishes off the water, tossing the empty bottle into the garbage before heading for the door. “Keep an eye on things. Message me if you see anyone that looks even remotely like her. Can you do that?”

Yaz nods. “Be careful, okay? Don't get yourself killed the first day.”

“Just watch my back,” Tyler responds, and then steps out the door.

[xmcgarrett]

whumptober prompt 7 I’ve got you

Prompts:Support | Carrying Rated: Gen Characters: Steve McGarrett, Danny Williams, Noelani Cunha

“You okay?” Steve McGarrett looked up as he heard the question. He nodded towards his best friend and closed the file in front of him. It has been a long day and one glance at his watch told him that it was about time to get home, so no wonder he was a bit tired.

“Yeah, of course, I am okay, why wouldn’t I be okay?”

“It’s just you have been staring at that file pretty long. Maybe it’s time to go home. I for one could do with a beer.”

“A beer sounds nice,” Steve agreed as he closed the file. Danny wasn’t wrong. He had stared for a while. And he was kind of tired. So even if they were having a beer, he would probably get to bed relatively soon and listen to his body's cues. Steve got up, put the file in his desk, and closed it. “Ready to go?”

“Very much so. By the way, you still smell like a sewer.” At Danny’s comment, Steve smelled his shirt quickly. The shirt itself was fine, but, yeah, he pretty much did smell like the sewer he had to jump into that morning to get that perp they were chasing.

“Shower first, then.”

“If the car stinks like that for the next week, cleaning is on you.” Steve just rolled his eyes as he walked out with Danny.

A shower later, Steve was just zipping up the hoody he wore without anything underneath and sat down in the chair he usually sat in. Danny gave him the beer and gave him a slightly worried smile.

“You look tired.”

“That’s because I am. It’s just going to be one beer tonight. And do me a favor, Danny, don’t have the volume up as loud as you tend to.” He usually expected Danny to protest, but tonight things looked different as it seemed.

“Will do. Junior is out tonight?”

“Out with Tani, yes. I don’t think we should expect him back tonight. They are at that Luau up on the North shore. That one usually doesn’t end before midnight.” Danny nodded, took a sip, and leaned back in the chair. They fell into a comfortable silence. They just sat and drank until Steve got up to go back inside to go to sleep. Eddie, who lay close to them, followed him inside and settled on the armchair he settled in now that Danny occupied the couch mostly. Steve took his medication, as prescribed, before going to bed.

Danny went inside a little while later. He made sure the door was closed, before laying down. He barely fell asleep when he heard the first cough coming from upstairs. He didn’t think anything of it at that point. It was not abnormal for him to wake up to coughing, that was what having kids did to you, mostly. He was half asleep again when he heard the next cough, again coming from upstairs. This time he could see Eddie perk up in the dark, so he got up to go up and investigate. He came in to see Steve sitting up, taking a drink of water.

“Are you okay?” Slowly he was beginning to feel like a broken record with that question.

“Yes, just a cough,” Steve told him.

“Sewer bath did not do you god, babe. Try and get some rest. Should I bring you tea?”

“No, I’m fine.” Danny nodded.

“Night, babe.” He turned to go back to bed and soon enough fell asleep. The next time he woke, it was still early. For a moment he was confused why he woke up, but then he heard the coughs from upstairs, a constant stream of coughs that did not seem the case. Alarmed he ran up to Steve. He was half sitting up, half bent over the edge of his bed, coughing hard. Danny went to the bathroom to wet a washcloth and came back to place it in Steve’s neck as he rubbed his back. Slowly the coughs ceased.

“That does not sound good,” he pointed out. Steve shook his head.

“That does not feel good.” His voice was scratchy and thin, clearly from the coughing. Danny kept on rubbing Steve’s back until he was sure Steve was okay. Then he reached forward to touch his cheeks and forehead. The skin was warm and sweaty.

“You’re running a fever, Steve. How else do you feel?”

“Breathing isn’t too nice right now.” Now that was a little bit of a shock to Danny. Breathing trouble did not speak for a simple little cold, but of a bit of a worse issue, one that could hopefully be handled, but probably not by bed rest and tea. The blonde reached for Steve’s wrist to check his pulse. It was a bit on the fast side, pointing to the distress Steve’s body was in.

“It’s going to be fine,” Danny said. “We’re going to go to a doctor, figure out what is going on with you, and then we’re taking care of it. Sound good?” To Danny’s surprise, Steve shook his head. He would have expected Steve to be a bit happier to comply therewith that plan after his liver problems. “And please tell me why?”

“It’s not even … 5 am. No doctors open yet. Let’s…sleep a little longer first.”

“The hospital is open, dumbass. They might squeeze you in if it’s a quiet day.” But he could see Steve was simply tired, so he knew he should not work that angle. But he knew another angle he could work, one that would work. “The sooner we get it done with, the sooner you can probably catch a few hours of actual sleep.” Stubbornly Steve still shook his head, but stopped soon, probably because it either caused his head to hurt or him to become dizzy.

“Not hospital worthy?”

“Not hospital worthy? Are you stupid? Are you literally dumb? You are in pain when you breathe! There could be some underlying issue, this is hospital worthy. Get your butt out of bed, throw on a shirt and pants and we go. Oh, wait, some form of shoes would be nice, too. Don’t bother making yourself presentable, you look like death walking anyway. Understood, soldier?” This got him a nod…and a very tired and pained look.

“I don’t think…,” Steve began and broke off. Danny placed his hand on Steve’s cheek then. He sensed that whatever he wanted or needed to say was something that would cause him to feel vulnerable and weak and he knew Steve did not know how to express that, thanks to his less than ideal childhood and the trauma surrounding it. He always had to be strong or pretend to be strong, unlike Danny had to, unlike Danny brought up his kids, so he did what he would do for his kids: Sit there and wait until he was ready to say it. Especially if the pain was an issue here. The hospital could wait for a bit. It took Steve almost a minute of shaky breathing and a few coughs, to continue:

“Too weak to walk.” Ha, so he was right. It was something Steve would consider weakness, well, because it was, but it was nothing to be embarrassed about. He was sick for heaven's sake.

“That’s okay. You lean on me, buddy, okay? I got you. You lean on me, we get you to the car and in doubt the hospital has wheelchairs.” He would, of course never mention it later, because, well Steve needed help, this was nothing he could hold against him or would use against him. Danny got up to get Steve one of his older shirts, those that he didn’t wear to work and sweatpants - well shorts rather. He handed the shirt to Steve, who dutifully put it on and then helped him up to lean against him, to allow him to dress as much as he could. It took a bit, but it worked. He thought twice on those shoes, though.

“Forget the shoes. It’s warm enough to walk barefoot.” Steve gave him a grateful nod. The former Seal reached out to Danny just as Danny slipped under his arm so he could lean against him. He knew he was taking most of Steve’s weight, but he didn’t mind one bit. He just wanted his best friend to be okay. Truth be told the only thing that had him not flip out was this paternal protocol he was running on right now due to his kids. Get him help, he could always flip out later.

At the hospital, Steve refused the wheelchair, of course, but luckily for them, the hospital had a pretty calm morning so they asked them to go straight into an examination room to check Steve out. The doctor - no stranger to them of course, thanks to multiple injuries in the past - never questioned Danny being there and worked as quietly and efficiently as he could, even apologizing for causing Steve pain by asking him to breathe in deeply for him. He then left the room for a long while, during which Steve managed to fall asleep.

“Good news or bad news first?” he asked towards Danny, assuming Danny would do the talking here and not willing

“Let’s get the bad news first.”

“Commander McGarrett has pneumonia” Danny sighed. Great. That was seriously serious, but it explained why Steve was in such bad shape. On top of it, he had been running non-stop for the past weeks, general exhaustion was probably adding up. But that was the bad news.

“What’s the good news?”

“It’s bacterial, so we can give him antibiotics. And, unless it gets worse, he can recover at home.” That really was good. “I do assume you will arrange a schedule so someone is always with him, just in case?”

“Of course, doctor. What else should I be looking for?” The doctor gave him a run-down on how to take care of Steve of which he made mental notes and made sure to text half of it to Noelani. He was sure she and the others would help, but if there was something medicinal that would give Steve that extra kick or boost, then she would know and probably bring it right after work. He looked at Steve again and smiled softly. Without realizing it probably, Steve had built himself quite the extraordinary family here. He was in good hands. Danny was due a week off soon anyway, so he would take it this week and stay home and take care of Steve.

As much as he hated waking him, he had to in order to get him back home and settled. This time on the couch, to make it a bit easier on them for now. He would think about getting Steve back up to bed in the afternoon, for now, he was glad there was no protest as he put blankets over Steve and announced he was going to make him some hot chocolate, purely to get some calories into him. The way Steve looked at him, reminded him so painfully of the fact that Steve hadn’t had that kind of pampering in years, so if he put some marshmallows on it, who was going to rat him out? Certainly not Steve. Steve just took a look at the cup and smiled softly…before sitting up and patting the couch next to him.

Danny looked at him in awe. This gesture was huge for Steve, actually, it was downright asking for physical comfort, something he did not usually do. Sure, he would go in for hugs at times, but this had a special quality to it, one that was not lost on Danny. He sat down on the couch and reached out to steady Steve as he laid back down, head on Danny’s lap. Danny reached for the remote and put on a show he knew they both liked, while he started to massage Steve’s scalp.

Just as Steve had fallen asleep the door opened and Noelani walked in, holding two bags.

“Hey…oh, he’s asleep. I brought you guys food. Some soups for him and stuff and some food for you. Figured cooking would not be high on your list of priorities,” she said as she walked to the kitchen to place the food in the fridge. Danny looked after her in awe.

“Shouldn’t you be at work?” he asked her.

“I am. On my way to a crime scene. Luckily my guys don’t run away, cause they’re dead.” Danny chuckled at that.

“Thank you, Noelani. I am glad the ohana has got his back.”

“We got each other’s backs. Now he is the one that needs us and here we are. See you later, Danny. Pretty sure everyone is planning to pop over after work to entertain you and him a little.” That sounded great. That sounded just like what Steve needed: Family around him, something to take his mind of, comfort and security. He stroked Steve’s cheek again.

“Did you hear that, you big goof? Your family has got you. Rest, heal, we got you.”

[flowerfan2]

Bound To Be Together - Ch. 25

This is it - the final chapter in my episode coda series, and the fix-it to 9.25.  Hope you all enjoy it!

McDanno, E, A03 (Read from the beginning here)

A continuous story of Season 9 codas exploring the bond between Steve and Danny as they grow even closer.

Chapter 25: 9.25

Danny paces back and forth in the waiting room, feeling like he can barely catch his breath.  Steve had been whisked away to surgery hours ago, and Danny still hasn’t been able to talk to him.  He still doesn’t know for sure if he’ll ever be able to talk to him again.  When Steve was shot he went down so hard, and there was so much blood… Danny doesn’t want there to be a limit to how many times Steve can defy death, but even cats only have nine lives.

“Coffee?”  Tani appears in front of him, holding a steaming paper cup.  She and Junior showed up at the hospital just a little while ago, both of them looking almost as wrecked as he feels.  

Danny isn’t interested in coffee, though.  Doesn’t think he could hold the cup without spilling it.  Caffeine isn’t going to help Danny now.  Nothing is, except Steve waking up and giving him a chance to explain himself.

Danny Williams has fucked up many times in his life.  He is sadly familiar with the cold sweats, the wave of shame, the urge to hide under a rock and never come out.  But this time he’s outdone himself.   

 “Hey, it’s gonna be okay.”

 Danny blinks, realizing that he’s sitting on the floor, Tani crouching down next to him.  She puts a hand on his shoulder, barely flinching at the blood stains on his shirt.  Steve’s blood.

 “I don’t think it is,” Danny chokes out, hardly able to bear the kind look in Tani’s eyes.  He sinks his forehead to his knees and covers his head with his arms.  

 “Come on, you said it yourself.”  Tani gives his shoulder a squeeze.  “This is what they do.  And they always make it out the other side.”

 “You don’t understand.”

 “So fill me in.  We’ve got time.”  Tani shifts, settling herself next to Danny on the floor.  “Take a few deep breaths, okay, and then tell me what happened.”

 Danny breathes into the space between his knees, feeling his heart continue to pound a broken rhythm against his chest.  It reminds him of how he felt when that building collapsed on top of him, years ago. Except that time Steve was with him, holding his hand.  Making sure he made it out the other side.  

 Now he’s in a crowded hospital waiting room, surrounded by all of Five-0 except the person that matters most to him.  

 “You don’t wanna hear this.”

 “Try me.”

 Danny sighs.  He pretty much feels like he’s going to fall apart anyway, telling Tani can’t possibly make it worse.  “Just before Omar Hassan’s wife came in, I told Steve I lied to him about last week.  Told him I wasn’t in New Jersey, that I was with Rachel on Kauai instead.”

 Danny hears Tani suck in a breath, but before she can launch into him, Lou responds incredulously.

 “That’s bullshit.  I know you were in Jersey.  You’ve been talking nonstop about that Mets game you went to with your sister.  Even posted dumb pictures on Facebook.”

 “I know,” Danny says.

 “Wait, I’m confused,” Jerry says, pulling a chair over with a squeak.  “Were you in Jersey or not?”

 “I was, of course I was,” Danny says.  “Helping my folks move into a smaller place, just like I said.  I was just screwing with Steve, like I always do.  He does the same – hell, in the car earlier, he was giving me shit about that NSA woman he flirted with a few months ago.  And he’s always bringing up Catherine.  It’s what we do.”

 “You told him you spent a week on Kauai with Rachel, but you were just screwing with him?”  Lou asks, still obviously not convinced that Danny hasn’t lost his mind.

 “Not my best moment,” Danny confirms.  “But we weren’t done talking – we were in the middle of the conversation.   I could barely keep a straight face as it was, the joke would have been over in another ten seconds.  Azra Hassan interrupted me – if she hadn’t come in, this never would have happened.”

 He lifts his head and looks up at his team, who stare back at him with various degrees of disapproval.

 “Man, you really stepped in it this time,” Lou finally says, and Danny nods.

 “Yeah, I did.”

 Another hour goes by. Adam convinces Danny to get up off the floor, and they walk down the hall to the vending machine together. There’s something different about Adam lately, something hopeful, and Danny’s glad for him.

 Back in the waiting room, Tani pats a plastic chair next to her and he sits down between her and Lou. He offers Tani some of the candy bar Adam bought him.

 “Thanks,” Tani says, holding his hand steady while she takes a bite.  “You know,” she says, wiping a crumb off her mouth, “you really are kind of a dumbass.”

 Danny huffs out a bitter laugh.  “I’ve been told that before.”

 “Steve’s gonna be fine,” she says.  “And you guys are gonna be fine.  What you’ve got together is too good for this to throw it off course.”

 Danny stares at her then, and something must show in his face, because Tani gives him a soft smile he’s never seen before.  

 “Fuck,” Danny says.  “Did… did I just out us… Steve… to the entire team?”

 “We knew, Danny,” Tani says gently.  “We’ve known for a long time.”

 “Definitely,” Lou says. “That day taking prom pictures? Come on.”

 “My housewarming party,” Adam says, “that’s when I knew for sure.”

 Junior shakes his head. “I think it was even earlier.  Steve stays over your house all the time, it’s not exactly a secret.”

 “I knew something was up last fall.” Tani says.  “When Danny was away, and Steve brought in that giant box of coco puffs from Liliha’s, ‘cause he didn’t realize Danny was gone, and then he was so upset when he found out he moped like a middle school kid all week.”  

 “No, that was before Joe White was killed, wasn’t it?  Didn’t seem like you were together then,” Adam says.

 “Oh, yeah, it did,” Junior insists.  “You weren’t there when Danny showed up, but I was.  You should have seen the way-”

 “Okay, that’s enough,” Danny says, standing up, his face hot with embarrassment.  His team’s casual recital of everything he and Steve have been through for the past year isn’t making him feel any better, it’s just pointing out how much he has to lose.

 “Excuse me, Five-0?” It’s a little ridiculous how well all the hospital staff know them.  “I have an update on Commander McGarrett?”  

 They all turn, and Danny holds his breath as he waits for the doctor to continue.

 “How is he, doc?”  Lou asks.

 “He’s going to be fine,” the doctor says, and Danny feels a surge of relief so strong it almost knocks him over.  “He lost a lot of blood, and we were worried that he hit his head pretty hard on the way down, but the bullet missed all major organs.”

 “Can I see him?” Danny pushes forward, but the doctor steps back and holds out a hand.  

 “We’re moving him to a room, and then one of you can come in.”

 Danny nods, but the doctor continues, looking at Danny apologetically.  “He asked to see Captain Grover.  I’m sorry, Lieutenant.”

 “That’s okay, Danny can go-”

 “I’m afraid that’s not what I meant,” the doctor says.  He waits for Lou to acknowledge this.  “Someone will be back to let you know when he’s ready.”

 Danny sags against the wall. “He doesn’t want to see me.  He’s barely out of surgery, and the first thing he remembers is that I lied to him.”

 “But you didn’t,” Tani insists.

 “He thinks I did.  He almost died, and he thinks I betrayed him.”

 *****

Lou only spends a few minutes with Steve before the nurse kicks him out.  He fills the team in on Steve’s medical situation (he’s going to be stuck in the hospital for at least a few days, but he’ll make a full recovery) and tells them all to go home.  

 Lou stays behind, clearly anticipating that Danny wants to know more than he’s told the rest of the team.

 “What did he say?  Why can’t I see him?”

 Lou leans against the back of a chair, looking uncomfortable.  “I told him you were here, and that you were worried.  But I didn’t plead your case for you.  You’re going to have to do that yourself.”

 “What the hell?” Danny snaps, anger getting the best of him.  “You didn’t tell him anything?  That I wasn’t with Rachel?”

 “Actually, I tried. Against my better judgment.  But he wouldn’t listen, just waved his hand in my face and said he wanted to sleep.  And then the nurse kicked me out.”

 “This is not fair,” Danny says, looking around for someone else to complain to.  “Why – why won’t he listen?  Why won’t he let me talk to him?”

 “Give him some time, Danny,” Lou says.  “He’s had a rough day.”

 “A rough day,” Danny says, his throat catching.  “Yeah, that about sums it up.  Fuck.”

 Lou eventually goes home to shower and get some sleep, but Danny stays in the waiting room.  Jerry returns to sit with him for a while, and tries to cajole the nurses into letting him see Steve – he promises to put in a good word for Danny -  but apparently they want him to have “uninterrupted rest.”  Danny has the feeling this is actually at Steve’s request, to avoid having to deal with Danny, but there’s not much he can do about it.

 Later Tani and Junior come by, and Junior’s brought him a t-shirt and jeans.  His own.

 “How’d you get these?”

 Junior rubs his face. “I knew you’d ask that.”

 “The ‘Danny drawer,’ where else,” Tani says, smirking.

 “At Steve’s place?”

 “Well, my first thought was to get clothes from your house – we could use the key that Steve keeps in that bowl by the front door?  But Junes knew where to find your stuff at Steve’s, so that saved us a stop.”

 “How did you know I had clothes there?”

 “Junes does Steve’s laundry when he’s feeling particularly dutiful - didn’t Steve tell you?”

 Danny sighs.  Clearly he’s not the detective he used to be. Junior is a lot more observant than Danny has given him credit for, and Tani, well, Tani’s a force to be reckoned with.

 “It’s cool,” Junior says, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.  “I don’t mind doing laundry.  I like the routine.”

 Danny tries not to imagine Junior folding his boxers.  “I can’t believe this.”

 He does feel better when he’s changed into clean clothes.  There’s nothing like wearing a shirt with your partner’s blood on it to bring down your mood.  The t-shirt Junior brought is one of his favorite black ones, and it’s soft on his skin. He keeps it at Steve’s on purpose. Steve likes him in it.  And out of it.

 When Noelani comes to check on Steve (and Danny) later that day, after her shift, Danny gets an idea.

 “Can I borrow your jacket?” Sometimes being a relatively small guy comes in handy.  

 With Noelani’s white coat on and a confident stride, Danny passes for a doctor long enough to sneak into Steve’s room.

 Steve is lying on his side, facing away from the door.  He turns as Danny enters the room, and Danny’s heart skips a beat.  Steve’s got a bandage on his head, and a bruise running down the side of his face.  But the worst part is the defeated look in his eyes.

 “What are you doing here?” Steve says, his voice scratchy.

 “Steve, for god’s sake, I’ve been dying to see you.”  Danny rushes over, reaching for Steve.  He completely forgets about anything except getting him in his arms.

 But Steve flinches, and Danny freezes, then pulls his hands back to his sides.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

 “Go away, Danny.”

 “Steve, you have to let me explain.  I wasn’t with her, I was just kidding around, I would never-”

 “Nurse!  Security! Help!”  Steve yells, and Danny is hustled out of the room before he can continue. The bastard, he thinks.  He’s just being childish.  And he’s managed to get Danny thrown out of the hospital for the remainder of Steve’s stay.

 With no other options left, Danny goes home.  

 A few days later, Steve gets released.  He’s not supposed to go back to work yet, but he’s recovered enough to go home.  Danny and Junior drive to the hospital in Steve’s truck, Tani following behind.

 “You sure you want to do this?”  Junior asks.

 “I’m sure.”  

 Junior goes inside and comes back out with Steve a few minutes later, while Danny waits in the car with Tani, slouched down and out of sight.    After Junior gets Steve settled into the passenger seat of the truck, he and Danny switch spots.

 Steve glares at Danny as Danny starts up the truck.  “Fuck off.”

 “No.”

 And that’s it, for almost the entire drive back to Steve’s place.  Danny has spent the past few days swinging back and forth between despair and fury, and right now, Steve’s refusal to talk to him is pushing all his fury buttons.  But he knows the mess between them is his fault, and he’s not going to let Steve ruin this.  Not if he can help it.

 So he sits there next to Steve, and drives his car, and brings him home.  Because that’s what partners do.  And that’s what <i>partners</i> do, even if they’re mad at each other.

 As they approach Steve’s house, Danny bites his lip, takes a breath, and speaks.  “I love you, you know.”

 Steve doesn’t answer.

 When they pull into the driveway, Steve jumps out before they come to a full stop.  He’s inside his house with the door slamming shut behind him before Danny turns off the truck.  As he watches Steve sprint up the walkway, he can’t help but be impressed – Steve’s physical injuries sure aren’t slowing him down.

 Over the next few days, Steve keeps up the silent treatment.  He doesn’t return Danny’s calls.  Grace informs Danny that Steve is answering her texts, but only if she talks about things other than Danny.  Tani tries to get Steve to talk to him, but when it doesn’t result in any progress, she just shrugs.  “Boys are dumb,” she announces, taking the last malasada out of the box Danny brought in for the team.  “I can only do so much.”

 A week after Steve was shot, Danny decides he needs to try another approach.  He does a little research, and makes a call.

    *****

The cove is beautiful. There are palm trees lining a gentle curve of beach, and one of the smaller Hawaiian islands is off the coast in the distance.  Danny fidgets as he waits.  He’s dressed the part, he hopes, with a white on white Aloha shirt and khaki slacks. He’s even wearing flip-flops, the kind Steve thinks are dressy, with braided leather straps.

 He hears Frank and Steve talking before he sees them.  Frank is excited about his new project, and had jumped at the chance to show it off to Steve – and try to help Danny out, too.  “Happy to help, sunshine,” Frank had said over the phone, and then explained how Danny could pay him back in beer.

 “The arch will go over here, with the chairs behind it, facing out to the ocean,” Frank says, his voice getting louder as they approach.  “I’ll build a hut, too, for the reception, all open air.  And open bar.”

 They come around the bend, Frank still talking, Steve looking around obligingly.  When Steve sees Danny, his eyes widen, and he comes to an abrupt stop.

 Frank looks at the two of them, pats Steve on the shoulder, and leaves, going back the way they came.

 “Danny,” Steve says, staring him down.  “What’s going on?”

 Danny swallows hard, and walks over to Steve.  At least he isn’t running away, Danny thinks.  “I wanted to talk to you.”

 “You couldn’t have done that somewhere else?”

 “I wanted to talk to you here,” Danny says.  He waves his hand at the clearing, which will someday host happy couples on their special day.  “I always imagined we’d end up at a place like this.  Eventually.  If things worked out.”

 Steve lifts his chin, looks away.  “Yeah, too bad that’s off the table.”

 Steve’s reaction stings, but Danny knows him.  It’s not over yet, and Danny has hardly gotten started.

 “Steve, please.  Stop being so stubborn and just listen to me for a minute.”

 Steve frowns, but after a long moment, he turns back to Danny.  “I’m listening.”

 Here goes, Danny thinks. He rehearsed what he wanted to say a dozen times, but he’s still not sure he’s going to get it all out.

 “I’m a changed man,” he starts, and he sees Steve’s eyes flit over his outfit.  Not just my clothing, you dope, he wants to say, but refrains.  “I’m a changed man, a better man, since I met you.  Not just since I met you, but… because you love me.  Because I love you.”

 Steve’s face softens for a moment, but then his jaw clenches again.  Danny can tell he’s about to lose him, and he rushes to get to the point.

 “I’ve gotten more positive, even if not everyone sees it.  I’ve opened myself up to the possibility of good things in my life.  Good things happening with you, in particular. But no matter what I thought before, I realize now, it wasn’t enough.  I didn’t change enough.”

 This gets Steve’s attention, and his eyes finally meet Danny’s.

 “I crossed a line, last week,” Danny continues, his eyes starting to tear up.  “I went too far.  And I’m sorry.”

 Steve steps back, still holding Danny’s gaze.  “Danny, you really hurt me.”

 “I know, babe.” It slips out, Danny can’t help it, and he moves forward and grabs Steve’s arms, hands squeezing his biceps tight.  “I know, I’m so sorry.  I screwed up. I’m so sorry.”

 “I believed you.” Steve’s voice is small, barely audible over the sound of the breeze in the palms.  “I didn’t want to, I knew it didn’t make sense, but for a few seconds there, I believed that you went away with Rachel.  That you lied to me, and cheated on me, and…”  Steve ducks his head down, but he doesn’t pull away.  “It really hurt.”

 Danny doesn’t doubt it, he can feel the ache in Steve’s chest just like the one in his own.  “I shouldn’t have joked about that,” Danny says, inching closer to Steve and sliding his hands up to his shoulders, pressing his collarbone with his thumbs.  “We kid around about almost everything, but I knew how you worried about me and Rachel.  I should have known it wouldn’t be a joke to you.  I went too far.  I’m sorry.”

 Steve looks at Danny, and his eyes are wet.  “I got shot. And you weren’t there.”

 Danny tilts his head, confused.  “I was there, I was right there.  Lou tackled Azra, Adam grabbed the kid, and I was next to you in seconds. I used the hem of my shirt to put pressure on your wound, I had your head in my lap-”  Danny’s voice breaks.  He can taste how terrified he was, when Steve didn’t respond.  He shudders, remembering all too clearly.

 “But you were with Rachel. In my mind.  And…  that’s what I thought, at the hospital, when I woke up.”

 “Is that why you wouldn’t let me come see you?”  It’s exactly what Danny feared – that given the drugs and the shock, all Steve would remember would be their last conversation.

 “At first.  And then,” Steve pauses, his tone shifting to something like embarrassment, “I was just pissed.”

 And hurt, Danny fills in. Really fucking hurt.

 “I’m so sorry,” Danny says again.  He’ll say it as many times as it takes.

 Steve sniffles, and then his arms are around Danny, pulling him close.  “I don’t like fighting with you.”

 “I don’t like fighting with you either,” Danny chokes out, digging his face into Steve’s neck.  He rubs his nose against Steve’s sweaty throat, feeling his stubble scratch over his skin.  “Please say we won’t fight anymore.”

 Steve makes a sound that’s somewhere between a laugh and a cry.  “I don’t think I can make that promise.”

 Danny laughs with him, snorting wetly into Steve’s shirt, and clutching him tight.  He feels lightheaded, almost giddy.  They’re going to be okay.  They’re really going to be okay.

 “Making me come out here with Frank was a dirty trick, you know,” Steve says, his hand sliding up into Danny’s hair.  “The whole time, I kept picturing you and me getting hitched on the beach, Gracie at your side, Mary at mine, Joanie and Charlie with flowers and rings.”

 “Really?”  The image had of course occurred to Danny too, he’s already admitted it, but he hadn’t begun to hope that Steve was on the same page.

 “Really.”

 “That’s, um, that’s good. That’s very good.”  Freakin’ understatement of the year, it’s so good.

 Steve laughs, more relaxed now, and he pulls back to find Danny’s eyes.  “Figured you’d think so.”  He looks Danny up and down.  “Nice outfit. Coincidence?”

 “Yeah, this vintage Aloha wedding shirt was just lying there at the top of my clean laundry basket, total luck of the draw.”  Danny raises an eyebrow.  “Hey, by the way, could you maybe have mentioned that Junior does your laundry?”

 Steve squints at him, and then apparently puts two and two together.  “Guess that might have given us away?”

 “Depends, I suppose, on whether he was fooled into thinking that you had secretly taken to wearing striped dress shirts in my size.”

 “And black t-shirts.”

 “That’s not completely beyond the realm of possibility,” Danny muses.  “You look hot in black.”

 “So do you,” Steve says, and then, unexpectedly, blushes.  “I like you in white, too.”  Steve leans in and kisses Danny, his mouth soft and gentle, and Danny melts against him.

 “Oh, babe, thank god,” Danny whispers against Steve’s lips, and Steve hums in agreement before ducking down to kiss him again, another gentle press, and another, until Danny is practically shaking with the force of his tenderness.

 “I don’t want to lose you, Danny,” Steve murmurs, kissing Danny’s cheek and down his jaw.  “Don’t even tease about it, okay?  Anything else is fair game, but not that.”

 “Okay, yes, absolutely. Lesson learned.  I’m so fucking sorry-”

 Steve cuts him off with a kiss that is significantly more heated, his tongue darting inside Danny’s mouth, pressing hard enough that their teeth clack together, then stopping for his own apology.   “I’m sorry too.  I was kind of an ass about it.  Should have let you talk.”

 Danny laughs against Steve’s lips as Steve takes his mouth again.  Steve isn’t letting him talk now either, but he’s got no problem with it. There is one thing he needs to say, though, and even Steve’s blisteringly hot making out skills aren’t going to stop him.

 “Steve?”

 “Hm?”  Steve blinks at Danny, pupils blown and eyes wide. “Yeah?”

 “I love you a ridiculous amount, okay?  And I’m yours.  Just yours.  For as long as you want me.”

 Steve beams and practically bounces on his toes.  “Yeah? How about forever?”

 Danny’s heart leaps, and he can feel his own radiant smile stretching his face.  “Sounds good.  Very good. Forever sounds good to me.”

 Steve grins and starts kissing him again, nipping at Danny’s lips and sucking at that spot on his neck that makes Danny moan, one hand firm against Danny’s back and the other tangling in his hair.  Danny loses himself in it, gives himself over to Steve, clutching at his shoulders and murmuring encouragement.

 Steve’s hand has moved to the front of Danny’s pants and Danny thinks there’s a decent chance he’s about to get his very first beachfront blowjob when they hear Frank clearing his throat, explaining in an amused tone that he needs to get back, but if they want to stay longer, they can probably catch an Uber.  Steve and Danny jump apart, Steve looking charmingly disheveled and Danny feeling like a kid almost literally caught with his pants down.  

 Danny’s first instinct is to pretend that nothing much was going on, but Steve grabs his hand and beams at him.  There’s a glint in his eye that Danny is all too familiar with, and before he can say anything Steve drags him tight against him, attacking his mouth in a searingly hot kiss - right in front of Frank, who lets out a delighted laugh.   Danny gets the feeling that now that the news is out, this won’t be the first time Steve gets a little possessive in front of their friends.  The wonderful thing is, nothing could make Danny happier.  

[sheepbutthead]

All o em

Heyyy thanks random human bean.

Everything You Could Ever Want to Know About Me

1. Last kiss

The last kiss I participated in was with Kaitlyn in the back of my car.

2. Last phone call

I hate phone calls but I think the last one I was on was my sister calling me from the other room to turn the tv down.

3. Last text message

My last text message was this morning was to my sister this morning: “I have to be at counselling by 11 and I still need to do some laundry.”

4. Last song you listened to

Yellow Ostrich - Don’t Be Afraid

5. Last time you cried

The last time I really cried was a few days ago when I watched the last episode of The Office. It was so friggin good and I was emotional, man. I cried like 5 times.

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice

Yes, multiple times. It’s not always a good idea.

7. Been cheated on

Not that I know of.

8. Kissed someone & regretted it

Yes definitely.

9. Lost someone special

Who hasn’t? My grandfather and my sister are the biggest ones.

10. Been depressed

When am I not, really?

11. Been drunk and threw up

Actually, I haven’t. And I’ve gotten PRETTY drunk.

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:

12. had sex

Yeeeeee boi. It was very nice yo

13. How many people have you had sex with this year?

Just the one.

15. Made a new friend

Actually, yes sort of. One of my friend’s coworkers has been talking with me and it’s nice to know I’m not completely unfriendable.

17. Laughed until you cried

Nah not this year. Not yet anyway.

18. Met someone who changed you

Nope, but the year is still young.

19. Found out who your true friends were

I’ve kind of always known. I only really have two.

20. Found out someone was talking about you

I never hear of anyone talking about me. But if you see someone talking about me, tell me about it because I’m self-absorbed and I want to know what they said and think about me.

26. What did you do for your last Birthday

I don’t really remember doing much. I just hung out with friends I think.

27. What time did you wake up today

Ummm I think around 8? Maybe?

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for

I cannot wait for a brain that isn’t constantly trying to sabotage everything. I also cannot wait to buy some gummies because it’s been too long.

30. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time

Oh boy. July 4th 2016.

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life

Oh man, just one thing? God. Probably cheating on someone or my anxiety/self confidence crap to go away. That would help a lot. 

32. What are you listening to right now

I’m not really listening to anything right now. Meghan’s watching a movie in the living room and my laptop is wheezing and begging for death.

33. When is the last time you had sex?

Wow. I hadn’t thought about it but maybe like…two or three weeks ago. Maybe almost a month. I guess it also depends on what you define sex as.

34. Who’s getting on your nerves right now

My stupid fingers typing every other word wrong for these answers. And never being able to remember what I want to tell my counselor when I go to see her.

35. Most visited webpage

Either Youtube or Instagram.

36. Favorite colour

That’s kind of tough. I like blue but burgundy and maroon looks pretty good on me.

37. Nicknames

SheepButtHead and variations of that, Jess, Saps (an old one, man).

38. Relationship Status

Single (?) I guess??

39. Zodiac sign

Libruh boi

40. Male or female

Male boi

41. Primary school

Pleasant Valley Elementary

42. Secondary School

We don’t really have a secondary school. It’s split up between the high school and the elementary school.

43. High school/college

Pleasant Valley High. I have not gone to college yet.

44. Eye color

Greenish, bluish, grey?

46. Height

6′ 1″

47. Do you have a crush on someone

When don’t I? I guess you could say so.

48. What do you like about yourself

I gave a kid a nut for his skateboard wheel so he wouldn’t be stranded after he lost his.

49. Piercings

None and I don’t really want any.

50. Tattoos

None but I have a lot planned.

51. Righty or lefty

Righty

FIRSTS:

53. First piercing

No piercings, man.

54. First best friend

Uhhhh maybe Tanis Henry. In like 7th grade.

55. First hookup

Like losing my virginity? That was Misty Heard.

56. First Bestfriend

….Tanis

RIGHT NOW:

59. Eating

Nothing at the moment.

60. Drinking

Nothing at the moment.

61. I’m about to

Watch a bunch of youtube videos or spam someone with a bunch of snpachats.

62. Listening to

I think I already answered this, man.

63. Waiting for

Physical affection and gummies.

YOUR FUTURE:

64. Want kids?

Maayybbeeee not. I’m not really sure anymore. I think it might be nice but it’s going to be a LONG time before I have any. 

65. Get married?

Yes definitely.

66. Career

Oh god, I don’t really know anymore. I just know I want to make things and be creative. It’d be cool to make movies and stuff. Like animated movies or something.

WHICH IS BETTER:

67. Lips or eyes

Shittttttttt, that’s hard. Eyes are obviously really nice but I kind of have a thing for mouths. Sooo I guess ultimately, it’d be lips. But eyes are also really nice.

68. Hugs or kisses

Kisses, man. Hugs are nice and all but I’d much rather be making out than hugging. Combing the two is the best option.

69. Shorter or taller

I don’t really have a preference but I’m really tall so my only option ends up usually being shorter. My personal history agrees.

70. Older or Younger 

Again, I don’t really have a preference I guess. But I’m a little wary of the younger. It just feels a little weird even if there isn’t anything technically wrong with it.

71. Romantic or spontaneous

Ahhhh both are really nice. Why not both? But if I have to chose, it’d probably be romantic.

72. Nice stomach or nice arms

Hm. Damn. I don’t really know. I haven’t really thought about it. I guess maybe nice arms.

73. Sensitive or loud

I have no idea what this means but I guess sensitive??

74. Hook-up or relationship

I like long term relationships more but I can appreciate the chillness and noncommittal hook up.

HAVE YOU EVER:

76. Kissed a stranger

Nope but it’s really something I would be opposed to, I guess.

77. Drank hard liquor

Yes and it’s just not as fun as the bitch beers.

78. Lost glasses/contacts

I don’t wear them so I’ve never had the opportunity to lose them.

79. Had sex

Yep. Maybe just a few times. Just maybe.

80. Broken someone’s heart

Unfortunately, yes. Not really something I’m proud of.

82. Been arrested

Nope, I would cry.

83. Turned someone down

No, not really. Not that I can think of. I guess kind of maybe.

84. Cried when someone died

No shit, Sherlock.

85. Fallen for a friend

Uh yeah I think you could definitely say that.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself

No. If I do, it’s very rare.

87. Miracles

I don’t think so.

88. Love at first sight

No, definitely not. It’s not love it’s just a more intense attraction.

89. Heaven

Yikes, I don’t know. I guess I kind of do.

90. Santa Clause

I try, for my brothers’ sake, but not genuinely.

91. Kiss on the first date

I think it’s fine to kiss on the first date if you’re both really feeling it. I mean, it really depends on how the date went.

92. Angels

That kind of goes hand in hand with heaven.

93. How would you label yourself?

God, I don’t know. White privileged male. Bi, I guess. Kind of a useless piece of shit.

94. Someone You Pray Everyday For

Gummies. I don’t know, I don’t pray my man.

95. Did you sing today

Yes I did, I sung in my car while taking my brothers to their tutoring.

96. Who From All Your Ex’s have You Cared The Most About

I guess it kind of depends on who’s really an ex. It’s a little confusing. I guess Jessi.

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?

Oooohhhhhh boi. About three years ago. 2015 was NOT a good year for my morals. I’d start in 2015 and work my way back up from there.

98. Out Of Everything In The World What Do You Wish For

Fuck what a loaded question. I guess I just want to be happy and content in love without having to worry about too much stuff in my relationship. Or maybe better motivation/confidence to go to the gym.

99. Are you afraid of falling in love?

I don’t think I’m necessarily afraid of falling in love. I think I’m more so just afraid of being vulnerable. And if I can’t be vulnerable then how can I really let love in?

100. Do you like the way you look?

I think I like how my dress style is. And it’s only getting better. I don’t, however, like my physical appearance that much. Don’t get me started on that.

[tailorcanoe55-blog]

Words of hope, from moms who have already overcome postpartum depression

It is not uncommon for moms of babies to have Postpartum Depression. In fact, I’ve read some studies that state all mothers get PPD at some point in the first year of giving birth.

Yet, for so many of us we feel alone in our depression. We think that somehow it makes us bad moms to be sad or even upset at certain aspect of motherhood with our gorgeous new babies. We worry that the Dr might call CPS on us if we show anything less than a perfect view of ourselves at that 6 week appointment. So we are silent. We don’t reach out. We don’t get the help we need.

I suffered with PPD silently for a long time, not realizing it was okay to reach out. Now that those hard first months are over, I want to be sure other moms are given the chance to reach out for the help they need. To know that Postpartum Depression is a normal, and okay part of motherhood, and something that doesn’t have to be faced alone.

I asked on my Facebook Page for other moms to give words of advice to those who might be in the thick of PPD and I was overwhelmed by the responses. So many women from all different walks of life, willing to share and grant hope to those facing a difficult time right now.

If this is you, please call your OB/GYN. Talk to your spouse about it, reach out to another mom. You don’t have to do this alone. You are an awesome mom. Depression and all!

Enough from me, here are some beautiful words from DOZENS of moms who have walked the road of PPD and want to help you feel loved and realize what an amazing mama you are.

Please remember – None of these words are written by doctors or psychiatrists, mine included. We are not medical professionals and I definitely recommend you talking to a medical professional if you feel you may be suffering from PPD or any other sort of depression. I hope these stories help you on your way to healing and encourage your heart today, but they should not be taken as medical advice in any way. (hugs)

Moosey says – “For me, both times, I prayed and exercised like mad. Know that it is okay to cry and keep focusing on one goal at a time. I am 7 months PP and I still get spurts of depression. Just know that you are not alone!”

Ashley shared – “I had it, but never got the needed help. I was a first time mom with a child who was born with severe heart defects. I thought my feelings were normal based on that, and truthfully, never even considered ppd. I believe everyone should be tested – beyond the simple questions the pediatrician asked at one of his appointments that I lied about, because I was embarrassed.”

“I have it and I was so ashamed of the stigma. I didn’t want people to look at me with concern over whether or not I would harm my children. That seemed to be the only cases of PPD that ever got any publicity. I worked long and hard and still struggle with it. The best thing I ever did though was tell people with a wonderful sense of humor. I’m breaking down the stigma of PPD by telling people about my own personal struggle with it and you should be applauded for talking about it as well.” – Tanis

Kathryn says “I think more people need to know that not only is there PPD there is also postpartum anxiety. I had severe anxiety afterwards and no one told me or checked on me (doctors). I think it’s something that needs to be talked about more along with PPD.”

“It real. There is help. Get the help! The only thing I regret is not getting help sooner. It’s like a fog has lifted.” -Heather

“I had it with my first two. It’s important to realize that it manifests itself in different ways. With my first I was super sad and emotional all the time. With my second I was super anxious all the time. It was helpful to have someone to talk to. – Candy

Amanda shared her story – “Knowing that it can strike later in the first year would have been helpful for me. I knew I was struggling in the first 10-12 weeks postpartum, but then we got settled into a routine and the fog lifted and I started feeling more like myself (albeit a very tired version of myself). Around 6.5 months postpartum my endocrinologist adjusted my thyroid hormone down closer to my pre-pregnancy level and that teamed with going back to work for 25 hours a week sent me off a CLIFF. It was a downward spiral like I’ve never experienced before and it was very hard to acknowledge it as PPD because I felt like that window had already closed and I shouldn’t be dealing with ‘that’ anymore. I eventually was able to right the ship (found a new doctor who listened and changed my thyroid med formulation, which turned things around in 2 weeks). I learned that big changes in routine, medication (even though neither of then ‘looked’ big to my pre-pregnancy self) can make a big difference and if you aren’t feeling ‘right’ then you probably aren’t…and it’s ok to reach out and find help.”

It’s nothing you did or didn’t do. It’s not your fault. Your baby needs a healthy and happy momma and by taking care of yourself you are taking care of your baby.” – Nicole

“I had it and the most important thing I can offer is hope. I just wanted someone to tell me I would feel like myself again and I just want to tell other women that you will feel like you again and that the rain does stop.” – Kathy

“Other moms need to know it’s ok to lose it once in a while, the people around you love you and understand it’s hard.” – Elaine

“If baby was sick or hurt, would you seek care? Do the same for you!” – Nicole

“My best advice is find someone who you can trust like a parent or spouse or friend and talk to them about your feelings. There is also hotline numbers you can call and talk to someone without giving personal information.” – Michelle

“Get help! If you’re sad for longer than you think you should be, PLEASE talk to a therapist or psychiatrist. I had it with 3 out of my 4 babies and medication and therapy were the best investments I ever made.” – Melanie

“You are not alone!” – Ashlee

Ashlee says – “I want you to know that you are not alone!!!! I had it and the depression started during the pregnancy but was then diagnosed as PPD as soon as she was born. I struggled for almost two years after she was born. The darkest time was right before it got better.

“I want other moms to know that Postpartum Depression and Anxiety can actually start before you deliver and that seeking help via medication and/or talk therapy is okay. It doesn’t make you a bad mom.” – Mackenzie

“Postpartum Depression doesn’t make you a bad mom” – Mackenzie

“If you see your friend struggling, ask her. And ask her again. And ask her again. Be gentle and loving and persistent. I had 1 friend whose response was “are you sure it’s not just harder with 2?” and another who gently encouraged me to see my OB to have my hormones checked about every 3 weeks for almost 5 months before I finally went. I’m so thankful she really saw me and gently and lovingly and consistently encouraged me. I needed her and I didn’t know it.” – Sarah

Vanessa shares – “A girlfriend brought it to my attention (that I may be suffering from PPD) around my first Mothers Day which was 5 months postpartum. One thing I wish I understood is how important it is to accept help. You don’t have to do it ALL by yourself and trying may cause you and your family more damage in the long run.”

“I had it with my second pregnancy and refused to acknowledge the problem even though I knew it was there. I finally did and got help. You are not alone!” – Katie

Jolene says – “I had it with both my kids. My advice is don’t allow denial to rule you and accept any help offered and don’t be afraid to ask for help!”

“Please mommies, if anything feels different to you, talk to your doctor. And don’t be scared to tell anyone. I let it go for a couple of weeks and they were the two scariest weeks! Get help and get on medicine if you need to. It’s ok!” – Jenny

Did you have postpartum depression? Add your words of encouragement in the comments and we just might make a part two! I think this will go a long way in encouraging other moms. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! And you are an awesome mama!

The following two tabs change content below.

Young wife, mama, author, blogger, encourager, friend. Lover of hot weather. Lover of travel. Accomplished chocolate eater. Proud Hufflepuff.

Source: https://www.beautythroughimperfection.com/post-partum-depression-moms/

[muscleduck8-blog]

Words of hope, from moms who have already overcome postpartum depression

It is not uncommon for moms of babies to have Postpartum Depression. In fact, I’ve read some studies that state all mothers get PPD at some point in the first year of giving birth.

Yet, for so many of us we feel alone in our depression. We think that somehow it makes us bad moms to be sad or even upset at certain aspect of motherhood with our gorgeous new babies. We worry that the Dr might call CPS on us if we show anything less than a perfect view of ourselves at that 6 week appointment. So we are silent. We don’t reach out. We don’t get the help we need.

I suffered with PPD silently for a long time, not realizing it was okay to reach out. Now that those hard first months are over, I want to be sure other moms are given the chance to reach out for the help they need. To know that Postpartum Depression is a normal, and okay part of motherhood, and something that doesn’t have to be faced alone.

I asked on my Facebook Page for other moms to give words of advice to those who might be in the thick of PPD and I was overwhelmed by the responses. So many women from all different walks of life, willing to share and grant hope to those facing a difficult time right now.

If this is you, please call your OB/GYN. Talk to your spouse about it, reach out to another mom. You don’t have to do this alone. You are an awesome mom. Depression and all!

Enough from me, here are some beautiful words from DOZENS of moms who have walked the road of PPD and want to help you feel loved and realize what an amazing mama you are.

Please remember – None of these words are written by doctors or psychiatrists, mine included. We are not medical professionals and I definitely recommend you talking to a medical professional if you feel you may be suffering from PPD or any other sort of depression. I hope these stories help you on your way to healing and encourage your heart today, but they should not be taken as medical advice in any way. (hugs)

Moosey says – “For me, both times, I prayed and exercised like mad. Know that it is okay to cry and keep focusing on one goal at a time. I am 7 months PP and I still get spurts of depression. Just know that you are not alone!”

Ashley shared – “I had it, but never got the needed help. I was a first time mom with a child who was born with severe heart defects. I thought my feelings were normal based on that, and truthfully, never even considered ppd. I believe everyone should be tested – beyond the simple questions the pediatrician asked at one of his appointments that I lied about, because I was embarrassed.”

“I have it and I was so ashamed of the stigma. I didn’t want people to look at me with concern over whether or not I would harm my children. That seemed to be the only cases of PPD that ever got any publicity. I worked long and hard and still struggle with it. The best thing I ever did though was tell people with a wonderful sense of humor. I’m breaking down the stigma of PPD by telling people about my own personal struggle with it and you should be applauded for talking about it as well.” – Tanis

Kathryn says “I think more people need to know that not only is there PPD there is also postpartum anxiety. I had severe anxiety afterwards and no one told me or checked on me (doctors). I think it’s something that needs to be talked about more along with PPD.”

“It real. There is help. Get the help! The only thing I regret is not getting help sooner. It’s like a fog has lifted.” -Heather

“I had it with my first two. It’s important to realize that it manifests itself in different ways. With my first I was super sad and emotional all the time. With my second I was super anxious all the time. It was helpful to have someone to talk to. – Candy

Amanda shared her story – “Knowing that it can strike later in the first year would have been helpful for me. I knew I was struggling in the first 10-12 weeks postpartum, but then we got settled into a routine and the fog lifted and I started feeling more like myself (albeit a very tired version of myself). Around 6.5 months postpartum my endocrinologist adjusted my thyroid hormone down closer to my pre-pregnancy level and that teamed with going back to work for 25 hours a week sent me off a CLIFF. It was a downward spiral like I’ve never experienced before and it was very hard to acknowledge it as PPD because I felt like that window had already closed and I shouldn’t be dealing with ‘that’ anymore. I eventually was able to right the ship (found a new doctor who listened and changed my thyroid med formulation, which turned things around in 2 weeks). I learned that big changes in routine, medication (even though neither of then ‘looked’ big to my pre-pregnancy self) can make a big difference and if you aren’t feeling ‘right’ then you probably aren’t…and it’s ok to reach out and find help.”

It’s nothing you did or didn’t do. It’s not your fault. Your baby needs a healthy and happy momma and by taking care of yourself you are taking care of your baby.” – Nicole

“I had it and the most important thing I can offer is hope. I just wanted someone to tell me I would feel like myself again and I just want to tell other women that you will feel like you again and that the rain does stop.” – Kathy

“Other moms need to know it’s ok to lose it once in a while, the people around you love you and understand it’s hard.” – Elaine

“If baby was sick or hurt, would you seek care? Do the same for you!” – Nicole

“My best advice is find someone who you can trust like a parent or spouse or friend and talk to them about your feelings. There is also hotline numbers you can call and talk to someone without giving personal information.” – Michelle

“Get help! If you’re sad for longer than you think you should be, PLEASE talk to a therapist or psychiatrist. I had it with 3 out of my 4 babies and medication and therapy were the best investments I ever made.” – Melanie

“You are not alone!” – Ashlee

Ashlee says – “I want you to know that you are not alone!!!! I had it and the depression started during the pregnancy but was then diagnosed as PPD as soon as she was born. I struggled for almost two years after she was born. The darkest time was right before it got better.

“I want other moms to know that Postpartum Depression and Anxiety can actually start before you deliver and that seeking help via medication and/or talk therapy is okay. It doesn’t make you a bad mom.” – Mackenzie

“Postpartum Depression doesn’t make you a bad mom” – Mackenzie

“If you see your friend struggling, ask her. And ask her again. And ask her again. Be gentle and loving and persistent. I had 1 friend whose response was “are you sure it’s not just harder with 2?” and another who gently encouraged me to see my OB to have my hormones checked about every 3 weeks for almost 5 months before I finally went. I’m so thankful she really saw me and gently and lovingly and consistently encouraged me. I needed her and I didn’t know it.” – Sarah

Vanessa shares – “A girlfriend brought it to my attention (that I may be suffering from PPD) around my first Mothers Day which was 5 months postpartum. One thing I wish I understood is how important it is to accept help. You don’t have to do it ALL by yourself and trying may cause you and your family more damage in the long run.”

“I had it with my second pregnancy and refused to acknowledge the problem even though I knew it was there. I finally did and got help. You are not alone!” – Katie

Jolene says – “I had it with both my kids. My advice is don’t allow denial to rule you and accept any help offered and don’t be afraid to ask for help!”

“Please mommies, if anything feels different to you, talk to your doctor. And don’t be scared to tell anyone. I let it go for a couple of weeks and they were the two scariest weeks! Get help and get on medicine if you need to. It’s ok!” – Jenny

Did you have postpartum depression? Add your words of encouragement in the comments and we just might make a part two! I think this will go a long way in encouraging other moms. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! And you are an awesome mama!

The following two tabs change content below.

Young wife, mama, author, blogger, encourager, friend. Lover of hot weather. Lover of travel. Accomplished chocolate eater. Proud Hufflepuff.

Source: https://www.beautythroughimperfection.com/post-partum-depression-moms/

[starcitizenprivateer]

DISCOVERED: Scraping By

Scraping By

In anticipation of the release of the Vulture, Drake Interplanetary has coordinated with Discovered to provide a number of experienced scavengers early models to test in the field. Chosen from a pool of hundreds of applicants, archaeologist Lorenzo Chernov proposed the exploration of a secluded debris field he discovered in the Idris system.

Here are excerpts from his logs.

BEGIN RECORDS:

2948.02.17_05:48 SET

Ok, here we go. Day one of exploring. Wonder what I should call this place. If this was an official UEE Archaeological Society expedition, it’d probably get something generic, like ‘Debris Field 8514J-Idris system’. At least I’ve landed on a name for this new salvage ship. I think they’re officially calling it the Vulture, but this one feels like Amaira to me. I’d like to give a big shout out to the folks at Drake for letting me try it out. Of course, they did have a bunch of stipulations, including that I record this audio log to track my adventures and what I like about the ship, what could be improved, and so on.

Plus, if this debris field is truly more than just a bunch of modern scrap, like I believe it is, then they’ll also get credit for making this mission happen. Definitely couldn’t run this op without Amaira’s help. No way I could afford to outfit the expedition with a Reclaimer, let alone the cost of crewing one.

I finished a general set of scans yesterday, so there’s a clear picture of how all the pieces were found. Analyzing them last night, I noticed a few larger pieces of detritus near the middle. They look like parts of a fuselage, maybe even a cockpit. They might be my best bet to determine what ships were involved, and more importantly, what era this wreckage is from. The debris is really dense around those pieces, so EVAing to them could be problematic. The last thing I want to do is upset the balance of materials and create a collision cascade. As Professor Haley used to say, “better to take your time than ruin the find.”

First thing this morning, I charted a path through the wreckage, but it’s going to take some work to get there. My initial estimate is that there are probably ten to fifteen ships here. Plus, there’s most likely additional material from vessels that were involved, but made it to safety.

Even though the picture isn’t clear yet, I get a gnawing feeling that this isn’t just the fallout of some racer kids gone stupid. Or a deal gone bad.

Then again, I’ve said that before…

All right, Amaira let’s get to work.

2948.02.28_20:34 SET

Amaira and I just returned from another run to Tanys. Sold the latest round of scrap and resupplied. Gotta remember to take the next load to a different shop. The desk jockey at Dumper’s remembered me and made conversation. Hopefully I didn’t say too much. Hate to have half the scrappers in the system turn up looking to score. I will say it was nice to talk to someone instead of just rambling into this thing all day long.

I probably didn’t need to leave Tanys heading in the wrong direction before making a series of random jumps back here. Mom always said I was overly cautious.

That applies here too. I’m doing everything by the book. EVAing over to every piece of debris, carefully scanning and cataloging it, and then determining if it’s worth saving or salvaging. So far, there’s been a lot less worth holding onto than I hoped. Nothing I’ve kept is actually important, just material sample for later analysis.

Oh wait, I almost forget, the Dumper’s clerk did mention something interesting. I guess the composition of the alloys I brought in last time was a bit unusual. I tried to play it cool and not press her for too many details, but that’s gotta be a good sign, right? I know ship manufacturers have adjusted their specs over the centuries thanks to technological advances, changes to their supply chain, or a whole bunch of other factors. A part of me wants to send a piece of debris for further analysis, but it’ll have to wait. I’m already cutting my budget pretty thin. The stuff I’m scrapping has been just enough to stay stocked on essentials and keep Amaira functional.

Honestly, I really couldn’t have done any of this without Amaira. So far I’ve got nothing but positive feedback on the Vulture. The tractor beam is super sticky, and the industrial-grade scraper chews through materials like a charm. Living quarters are even comfortable enough to make me forget I’m floating in some long-forgotten part of Idris, surrounded by a dozen or so ships that dueled to the death.

There is the smell, though. Not that it’s terrible, but if you folks at Drake do listen to this, couldn’t hurt to think about upgrading the O2 scrubbers a bit. Then again, maybe I’m just a little bit riper than average.

Time to grab a few hours of shut-eye, and get back to it.

2948.03.03_13:23 SET

Damn it, that did not go as planned.

Well, the good news is I was right. That big piece was definitely from a cockpit, looked like it was from an early Aegis ship too. Some of the control panel was still intact. Haven’t seen many like it, so I EVAed over for a better look.

That’s when I saw a piece of debris unlike any other, distinctly designed to look like a big feather. At that moment, I forgot all about the cockpit. That distinctive piece meant a Prowler was part of the wreckage.

Think I went woozy for a second before my rational brain began wondering about the cost to get the feather piece analyzed. There’s always a chance it’s a replica, since Esperia makes theirs so damn close to the real deal.

In my excitement, I redirected around the cockpit, completely forgetting that I hadn’t cleared the other side. For a second, I took my eyes off where I was going to change my suit’s scanner settings. Suddenly, I felt this dark presence above me. I looked up and slammed face first into a giant piece of metal debris.

It scared the hell out of me. I even thought I was partially blinded, only to later realize I’d cracked my faceplate. Luckily, the seal held. Needless to say, I overreacted. Course corrected back the way I came way too hard and way too fast. That slammed me into the cockpit piece, sending it spinning swiftly away, down the path I’d conveniently spent clearing these past weeks.

Everything inside of me wanted to take off after it. But that second collision really messed up my helmet. Guess I should’ve splurged for a better one, because this one started beeping about a ‘critical failure’, forcing me back here to patch it before it was too late.

I really messed up that last walk. That chunk of the cockpit is lost to the void and I didn’t even get a good scan of it. Still, I can’t stop smiling.

I think I’ve found a lost battle site from the First Tevarin War.

2948.03.03_22:09 SET

It took some work, but I got that piece of the Prowler into the hold. I don’t want to lose it, but it’s also taking up more space than I’d like. Keeping it back there will definitely cut into my bottom line when Amaira and I make runs to Tanys. Might have to find a place around here to leave it when heading back to civilization. It’s not an ideal solution, but I don’t want anyone to see it and start wondering why it’s not being scrapped. If I can swing the credits, it’d be worth setting up a mooring drone as a temporary fix. Then I could safely float any other large finds until I’m ready to hire a transport.

Despite the cockpit debacle earlier, I’d say today was a success. Tomorrow, I’ll start clearing a path to the piece that looks like it’s from a fuselage. Maybe I’ll find a few more pieces of the Prowler, if I’m lucky.

2948.03.08_01:36 SET

Well, I finally made it to that large piece of debris. It was definitely part of a fuselage. Spent hours inspecting it, but couldn’t find any maker’s marks. A part of me wanted to save it for further analysis, but to be honest, I really need the creds from the scrap. My trips to Tanys are becoming less and less frequent as I spend more time inspecting the stuff I’ve found. It’s becoming harder and harder to decide what’s worth saving and what’s safe to feed to the Vulture. Hell, it would’ve been nice if Drake had thrown in some supplies to save me the trouble, but I guess they wanted to see how she handled on the day-to-day.

Anyway, I felt bad having Amaira cut it into pieces, though I made sure it was properly scanned and cataloged before doing so. Despite the heartache, gotta say the scraping laser’s been a joy. Gonna take the scrap to Tanys tomorrow then come back here and keep searching.

2948.03.15_18:47 SET

Another day with nothing to report. Everything I came across was scrap. I figured by now I would have part of a component or something, anything, that could tell me more about what happened here. This is getting pretty darn frustrating.

Every day I stare at the Prowler piece and wonder when I’m going to find more. My working theory is that the rest of it was blown into unidentifiably small bits. Either way, based on the accumulated amount of wreckage I’ve found, if this is a lost battle site, then it’s pretty clear who came out on top.

To be honest, the lack of debris from Tevarin ships worries me. There’s a lingering fear that maybe this was just a random skirmish between gangs and one of them happened to have a new Prowler. I hope that’s not the case, but every day I don’t find something significant, I grow a little more worried that I’ve been wasting my time picking through random debris from a week ago.

I’m understanding why so many of my colleagues prefer digging planetside. The dating is so much easier.

2948.03.19_05:22 SET

Today was… well, technically yesterday, was the day I’ve been waiting for. After weeks of slowly shifting through random debris, I finally found something undeniably significant – a black box.

I rushed it back to Amaira and immediately started my examination. When the date of the last log popped up, I… ok, I’ll admit it, I freaked out. I screamed. I jumped around until I was out of breath. The last recorded date on it was October 1, 2544.

That’s right, not only is this wreckage from the First Tevarin War, it’s actually from the Battle of Idris IV. The infamous Operation Nemesis that was almost a complete disaster until a young Ivan Messer turned the tides of the battle and arguably the entire war.

Once I calmed down, I dug through the logs to figure out why these ships ended up all the way out here. From what I can tell, this spot became a rallying point. These ships fell back here to regroup after surviving the surprise attack by the Tevarin’s planetary defense system. I’m not exactly sure what happened once they were all here, but it obviously didn’t turn out well for them.

I really should get to sleep, but there are still so many things to figure out. Like, should I report the discovery right away, or wait until I’m done examining the entire debris field? Feels weird to walk away in the middle of exploring it, but I could probably land some grants to hire a proper crew. That would make examining the rest of the debris so much easier, but probably take months to organize. Not sure if I can handle waiting that long before finding out what else is out here…

I should really send my Mom a comm too. She’s gonna lose it when she finds out I was right. Maybe I should take Amaira back to Tanys tomorrow and send it via a secure comm to ensure it doesn’t get hacked. What… a… day!!

Lorenzo Chernov’s discovery brought further clarity to the fog of war surrounding the Battle of Idris IV. Careful examination of the discovered black box revealed that the wreckage was mainly members of the 12th Squadron. Their fate was previously unknown, though many historians assumed they had been destroyed by Tevarin planetary defenses. This site proved they had survived the initial assault and were in the midst of planning a counterstrike when they came under attack from Tevarin forces.

Though the Prowler debris proved to be authentic, no other Tevarin ship pieces were found. While the site clarified the fate of the 12th Squadron, it is hoped that further research may reveal how they were so handily wiped out in this small corner of space. The recovered ship remains have been transferred to the Naval Museum on MacArthur, where plans are in progress for them to be placed on display.

[sad-ch1ld]

via RSI Comm-Link

Scraping By

In anticipation of the release of the Vulture, Drake Interplanetary has coordinated with Discovered to provide a number of experienced scavengers early models to test in the field. Chosen from a pool of hundreds of applicants, archaeologist Lorenzo Chernov proposed the exploration of a secluded debris field he discovered in the Idris system.

Here are excerpts from his logs.

BEGIN RECORDS:

2948.02.17_05:48 SET

Ok, here we go. Day one of exploring. Wonder what I should call this place. If this was an official UEE Archaeological Society expedition, it’d probably get something generic, like ‘Debris Field 8514J-Idris system’. At least I’ve landed on a name for this new salvage ship. I think they’re officially calling it the Vulture, but this one feels like Amaira to me. I’d like to give a big shout out to the folks at Drake for letting me try it out. Of course, they did have a bunch of stipulations, including that I record this audio log to track my adventures and what I like about the ship, what could be improved, and so on.

Plus, if this debris field is truly more than just a bunch of modern scrap, like I believe it is, then they’ll also get credit for making this mission happen. Definitely couldn’t run this op without Amaira’s help. No way I could afford to outfit the expedition with a Reclaimer, let alone the cost of crewing one.

I finished a general set of scans yesterday, so there’s a clear picture of how all the pieces were found. Analyzing them last night, I noticed a few larger pieces of detritus near the middle. They look like parts of a fuselage, maybe even a cockpit. They might be my best bet to determine what ships were involved, and more importantly, what era this wreckage is from. The debris is really dense around those pieces, so EVAing to them could be problematic. The last thing I want to do is upset the balance of materials and create a collision cascade. As Professor Haley used to say, “better to take your time than ruin the find.”

First thing this morning, I charted a path through the wreckage, but it’s going to take some work to get there. My initial estimate is that there are probably ten to fifteen ships here. Plus, there’s most likely additional material from vessels that were involved, but made it to safety.

Even though the picture isn’t clear yet, I get a gnawing feeling that this isn’t just the fallout of some racer kids gone stupid. Or a deal gone bad.

Then again, I’ve said that before…

All right, Amaira let’s get to work.

2948.02.28_20:34 SET

Amaira and I just returned from another run to Tanys. Sold the latest round of scrap and resupplied. Gotta remember to take the next load to a different shop. The desk jockey at Dumper’s remembered me and made conversation. Hopefully I didn’t say too much. Hate to have half the scrappers in the system turn up looking to score. I will say it was nice to talk to someone instead of just rambling into this thing all day long.

I probably didn’t need to leave Tanys heading in the wrong direction before making a series of random jumps back here. Mom always said I was overly cautious.

That applies here too. I’m doing everything by the book. EVAing over to every piece of debris, carefully scanning and cataloging it, and then determining if it’s worth saving or salvaging. So far, there’s been a lot less worth holding onto than I hoped. Nothing I’ve kept is actually important, just material sample for later analysis.

Oh wait, I almost forget, the Dumper’s clerk did mention something interesting. I guess the composition of the alloys I brought in last time was a bit unusual. I tried to play it cool and not press her for too many details, but that’s gotta be a good sign, right? I know ship manufacturers have adjusted their specs over the centuries thanks to technological advances, changes to their supply chain, or a whole bunch of other factors. A part of me wants to send a piece of debris for further analysis, but it’ll have to wait. I’m already cutting my budget pretty thin. The stuff I’m scrapping has been just enough to stay stocked on essentials and keep Amaira functional.

Honestly, I really couldn’t have done any of this without Amaira. So far I’ve got nothing but positive feedback on the Vulture. The tractor beam is super sticky, and the industrial-grade scraper chews through materials like a charm. Living quarters are even comfortable enough to make me forget I’m floating in some long-forgotten part of Idris, surrounded by a dozen or so ships that dueled to the death.

There is the smell, though. Not that it’s terrible, but if you folks at Drake do listen to this, couldn’t hurt to think about upgrading the O2 scrubbers a bit. Then again, maybe I’m just a little bit riper than average.

Time to grab a few hours of shut-eye, and get back to it.

2948.03.03_13:23 SET

Damn it, that did not go as planned.

Well, the good news is I was right. That big piece was definitely from a cockpit, looked like it was from an early Aegis ship too. Some of the control panel was still intact. Haven’t seen many like it, so I EVAed over for a better look.

That’s when I saw a piece of debris unlike any other, distinctly designed to look like a big feather. At that moment, I forgot all about the cockpit. That distinctive piece meant a Prowler was part of the wreckage.

Think I went woozy for a second before my rational brain began wondering about the cost to get the feather piece analyzed. There’s always a chance it’s a replica, since Esperia makes theirs so damn close to the real deal.

In my excitement, I redirected around the cockpit, completely forgetting that I hadn’t cleared the other side. For a second, I took my eyes off where I was going to change my suit’s scanner settings. Suddenly, I felt this dark presence above me. I looked up and slammed face first into a giant piece of metal debris.

It scared the hell out of me. I even thought I was partially blinded, only to later realize I’d cracked my faceplate. Luckily, the seal held. Needless to say, I overreacted. Course corrected back the way I came way too hard and way too fast. That slammed me into the cockpit piece, sending it spinning swiftly away, down the path I’d conveniently spent clearing these past weeks.

Everything inside of me wanted to take off after it. But that second collision really messed up my helmet. Guess I should’ve splurged for a better one, because this one started beeping about a ‘critical failure’, forcing me back here to patch it before it was too late.

I really messed up that last walk. That chunk of the cockpit is lost to the void and I didn’t even get a good scan of it. Still, I can’t stop smiling.

I think I’ve found a lost battle site from the First Tevarin War.

2948.03.03_22:09 SET

It took some work, but I got that piece of the Prowler into the hold. I don’t want to lose it, but it’s also taking up more space than I’d like. Keeping it back there will definitely cut into my bottom line when Amaira and I make runs to Tanys. Might have to find a place around here to leave it when heading back to civilization. It’s not an ideal solution, but I don’t want anyone to see it and start wondering why it’s not being scrapped. If I can swing the credits, it’d be worth setting up a mooring drone as a temporary fix. Then I could safely float any other large finds until I’m ready to hire a transport.

Despite the cockpit debacle earlier, I’d say today was a success. Tomorrow, I’ll start clearing a path to the piece that looks like it’s from a fuselage. Maybe I’ll find a few more pieces of the Prowler, if I’m lucky.

2948.03.08_01:36 SET

Well, I finally made it to that large piece of debris. It was definitely part of a fuselage. Spent hours inspecting it, but couldn’t find any maker’s marks. A part of me wanted to save it for further analysis, but to be honest, I really need the creds from the scrap. My trips to Tanys are becoming less and less frequent as I spend more time inspecting the stuff I’ve found. It’s becoming harder and harder to decide what’s worth saving and what’s safe to feed to the Vulture. Hell, it would’ve been nice if Drake had thrown in some supplies to save me the trouble, but I guess they wanted to see how she handled on the day-to-day.

Anyway, I felt bad having Amaira cut it into pieces, though I made sure it was properly scanned and cataloged before doing so. Despite the heartache, gotta say the scraping laser’s been a joy. Gonna take the scrap to Tanys tomorrow then come back here and keep searching.

2948.03.15_18:47 SET

Another day with nothing to report. Everything I came across was scrap. I figured by now I would have part of a component or something, anything, that could tell me more about what happened here. This is getting pretty darn frustrating.

Every day I stare at the Prowler piece and wonder when I’m going to find more. My working theory is that the rest of it was blown into unidentifiably small bits. Either way, based on the accumulated amount of wreckage I’ve found, if this is a lost battle site, then it’s pretty clear who came out on top.

To be honest, the lack of debris from Tevarin ships worries me. There’s a lingering fear that maybe this was just a random skirmish between gangs and one of them happened to have a new Prowler. I hope that’s not the case, but every day I don’t find something significant, I grow a little more worried that I’ve been wasting my time picking through random debris from a week ago.

I’m understanding why so many of my colleagues prefer digging planetside. The dating is so much easier.

2948.03.19_05:22 SET

Today was… well, technically yesterday, was the day I’ve been waiting for. After weeks of slowly shifting through random debris, I finally found something undeniably significant – a black box.

I rushed it back to Amaira and immediately started my examination. When the date of the last log popped up, I… ok, I’ll admit it, I freaked out. I screamed. I jumped around until I was out of breath. The last recorded date on it was October 1, 2544.

That’s right, not only is this wreckage from the First Tevarin War, it’s actually from the Battle of Idris IV. The infamous Operation Nemesis that was almost a complete disaster until a young Ivan Messer turned the tides of the battle and arguably the entire war.

Once I calmed down, I dug through the logs to figure out why these ships ended up all the way out here. From what I can tell, this spot became a rallying point. These ships fell back here to regroup after surviving the surprise attack by the Tevarin’s planetary defense system. I’m not exactly sure what happened once they were all here, but it obviously didn’t turn out well for them.

I really should get to sleep, but there are still so many things to figure out. Like, should I report the discovery right away, or wait until I’m done examining the entire debris field? Feels weird to walk away in the middle of exploring it, but I could probably land some grants to hire a proper crew. That would make examining the rest of the debris so much easier, but probably take months to organize. Not sure if I can handle waiting that long before finding out what else is out here…

I should really send my Mom a comm too. She’s gonna lose it when she finds out I was right. Maybe I should take Amaira back to Tanys tomorrow and send it via a secure comm to ensure it doesn’t get hacked. What… a… day!!

Lorenzo Chernov’s discovery brought further clarity to the fog of war surrounding the Battle of Idris IV. Careful examination of the discovered black box revealed that the wreckage was mainly members of the 12th Squadron. Their fate was previously unknown, though many historians assumed they had been destroyed by Tevarin planetary defenses. This site proved they had survived the initial assault and were in the midst of planning a counterstrike when they came under attack from Tevarin forces.

Though the Prowler debris proved to be authentic, no other Tevarin ship pieces were found. While the site clarified the fate of the 12th Squadron, it is hoped that further research may reveal how they were so handily wiped out in this small corner of space. The recovered ship remains have been transferred to the Naval Museum on MacArthur, where plans are in progress for them to be placed on display.