#talking to the alcohol guy and this woman and what the p.doc said where theyve been questioning my usual excuses or reasons i tell myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

corpsegold · 2 years ago

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Typing that out has had me panicking and freaking out sweating for the past few hours. I've been miming to myself and rehearsing talking to the woman about it and the only way I can describe how overwhelming and intense this feels is that it's like when I came out to my mum. What the fuck does THAT say

#i feel like throwing up #like anger mixed with shame mixed with a very strange relief mixed with a lots of hating myself and being exhausted #jesus christ its like hard to think about #to be honest i convince myself i have a new mental illness every few months this is probably just the next in a long series #ive had this realization several times over the years but i normally block it out and it makes a huge mood drop #talking to the alcohol guy and this woman and what the p.doc said where theyve been questioning my usual excuses or reasons i tell myself #has got me thinking about it again and this time my mood is clearer and ive typed it out rather than passed out and reading it back is #extremely fucking exhausting #it literally feels like coming out to my mum #what the actual f u c k #bro this is too much #jesus christ #its fine its probably just traits lol like its not the end of the world im literally fine #it literally cant be bad if i can see it #maybe its not true at all like im just completely wrong about this or im missing something or not understanding myself clearly #i need to feel like i can live the life i want one day otherwise i dont know how im gonna cope lmao #im tired of grieving for a person i never was #i cant cope with the idea that i might never get to be that person #ive been too scared to try on my own and if people cant teach me how to try or tell me I'll likely never be able to have normal relatnships #and be liked and secure and feel proud of myself and stop disappointing my parents #oh my god #anyway #just got a notif from the abstinence counting app it says #continuous effort is the key to unlocking our true potential #ig mb thats cool #whatever

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