#talking about literally everyone except for Caduceus

[saphirered]

Percy and Bad first times? I love these asks thank you!

I do not know why it took me approximately an eternity to write this but I finished it. I hope it will have been worth the wait. 😘

(Percy)

The moment Percy walked into your life you thought he was very much the egotistical rich kid. First impressions weren’t great as he concluded that wether or not you came from money or status, you rebelled against the social norms of high society. You two were polar opposites and anyone who said opposites attract; you were the proof against that claim for the longest time.

At the realisation you wouldn’t be leaving any time soon Percy tried to school you in manners for his sake correcting your behaviour and even words like you were some insolent child. You did not take this well and the argument that followed, unavoidable. Many things were said, some neither of you are proud of and you didn’t speak for days unless it were some snide remarks.

Then it came to a job to interact with high society people and you got to show Percy how wrong he was as you properly addressed the people, held your posture correctly and picked every word eloquently. Taken aback by your complete 180 in behaviour a conversation was in order. You got the pleasure telling Percy his ‘lessons’ had nothing to do with this and unlike some people you’d rather not be a pompous ass with a superiority complex like some people.

This lead Percy to dive into some research trying to find your name and family name, tapping into all resources at his disposal to figure you out telling himself you might be a threat if you were hiding things. He was not prepared to find out what happened with your family and faced you with the fact he found your past. The first one on one you had was Percy quite literally cornering you so you couldn’t avoid him. Admittedly not his proudest moment. You needed to talk so talk you did.

Telling Percy your story and trusting him with it might have been the first time you’ve told anyone since you left your home. In turn to set the record straight he told you what had happened with his own family. You came to the conclusion you’re not so different after all. A mutual understanding and trust formed between the two of you, though your arguments did not end with you disagreed on a matter. Rarely did you give the other the silent treatment and instead came to an agree-to-disagree conclusion if compromise was not an option. In time, they’d cease to be arguments all together and simply turn into conversations.

At this point you might even have considered yourselves friends. You found yourselves spending more time together. Percy was raised the so-mani-eth child extremely unlikely to be the heir of his family but with the tragedy that befell them, only he and his sister remained. You were raised to continue your family’s legacy but had lost everything. When Whitestone was returned to the surviving De Rolo’s you promised to give aide in any way you could.

Vox Machina, taken in a different direction you stayed behind with Cassandra. You took no titles or lands no matter how many times, Cassandra and the council offered them. In his time away from you and his home he came to realise he’d begun missing your company, the conversations and having to be the smart and semi-responsible one of the group. Not only that, you’ve been a rock in the current that’s his chaos and with you away he feels he’s more likely to fall to the temptations placed in front of him. Proof of that; the trip to the city of Dis.

When this realisation hits Percy he’ll take any opportunity to spend more time with you. He doesn’t inject himself into your daily life but any time there’s a reason for him to be present he’ll take it. Him coming clean about the contract and handing it to you for safekeeping trusting you that no matter the circumstance you’ll never give it to him, you absolutely go apeshit on him. How could he be so damn stupid. A deal with a devil? Really?! All the what ifs… It made you realise your anger and disappointment came from a place of affection.

You made Percy promise he’d tell you when he’s thinking of doing something stupid he’ll tell you before doing the thing. Before he leaves for another adventure or comes back from one you’ll go on a walk, have dinner or just relax somewhere. Sometimes you’ll talk, sometimes sit in silence, whatever you feel like in that moment. You’d begun holding hands, hugging or a kiss to the cheek before departure or upon return, tiny displays of affection.

You were informed Percy had died, but as Grog told you, he got better. Reasonably so you freaked out but you were also aware of the risk of the adventurer lifestyle, more accurately the lifestyle of someone with enemies like Percy. That didn’t mean you didn’t feel like your heart just shattered in that moment. You cared for Percy until he recovered. It’s the first time you truly saw Percy weak, not of mind wavering to a pact with an entity or the likes, but mentally done.

Percy first realised he might hold more than affections for you when you promised him that you’d always have one more thing for him to do. No matter how messed up the world looked, there’d always be a place for him with you. He’s not stupid enough to think this doesn’t come out of a deep affection of your own but he can’t be too sure it’s love either. It’s obvious you care for him, and maybe you do love him but are you in love with him? He’s not sure. Is he in love with you? He’s unsure. He knows he cares about you immensely and loves you just as much and that’s enough for him.

Percy is a man of impulse. This comes in especially handy when someone lacks courage to do something. He doesn’t approach you for your first ‘official’ date. It was just like any other outing you’d gone on or time you spent together except for the fact Percy asked you out, letting slip it was a date. If just asking you this was already so difficult he definitely would need a bottle of courage or two admitting his feelings out loud.

You’re clever enough and know how to read people enough that you weren’t oblivious to Percy’s recent changes in behaviour towards you. You were also clever enough to place them and, when courage fails you’re not one to beat around the bush. You called him out and half fearing you’d turn him down, he was proven the opposite when you pulled him in by the ascot and kissed him. Surprising but not unwanted.

Seeing no need in defining your relationship for others, you also didn’t ease the others into this development. Watching you kiss Percy passionately before he was off on another adventure leaving everyone around very surprised. So surprised they missed the mark on Keyleth’s transport via plants. Bombarded with questions about when or how this happened Percy didn’t want to indulge them with answers and instead spent more time with you.

Of course you had shared sleeping spaces before. You weren’t strangers to sharing a bed but you can comfortably say, it became much more comfortable after you first shared your bed together as lovers in the afterglow, waking up like a sweaty mess. Sharing baths after became the norm to freshen up and relax. The perfect excuse to spend more time together and have everyone else gagging after the look you’d share when asked why you missed breakfast… and lunch…

It took a long while before you first found yourselves able to exchange I love you’s but when danger came knocking at your door and you were thrown back into the fight for Tal’Dorei with Vox Machina’s allies it was now or never. Seeing things go south you got the pleasure of teaming up with a brass dragon to kick some undead ass.

“Before we both do something incredibly stupid I want you to know I love you.” Simple and efficient and to the point.

“I am tempted to hold these words for myself until after we’ve saved the world. Call it motivation to stay alive but since you made such an effort already. I love you too, dear.” Asshole. What did you expect. The feeling was mutual.

(Caduceus)

The first time you met Caduceus you’d killed someone in not too far out from Shady Creek. The down side, you killed someone important. They came after you, you protected yourself but then you had a body to deal with. You heard about the cursed place, and decided to just bury it there. You didn’t expect to find a dopey pink haired firbolg to be living at the heart of the place. He was surprisingly helpful in burying the body you brought to the point you were almost sure you’d be buried right next to your victim soon. Luckily for you you were proven wrong.

You couldn’t really return to Shady Creek and it’s not like you had much of a home there so you wandered the forests hunting and gathering for food and warmth at night avoiding the cursed places and dangers as much as you could. You couldn’t and returned to the safety of the Blooming Grove. So you made a deal, you’d stay with the firbolg, help him out at his graveyard, cemetery, whatever it is and he’d give you a place to sleep at night.

You resorted to staying inside the small temple sleeping on the floor but soon enough, Caduceus invited you to just take one of the beds in the house and stick around instead of leave at dawn to find food, removing some weeds, watering some plants, and return at dusk. No more wandering you fell into more domestic tasks solidifying your roommate life with the man. It had been a while since either of you were in (good) company so you appreciated anything that could talk and wasn’t trying to murder you.

In your time spent with Caduceus you heard bits and pieces about his family but what didn’t add up for you were the beds and belongings he didn’t touch or did so with care to keep them clean. When you got the courage to ask Caduceus told you the story of Clay, Stone and Dust and how his family left to save the Grove and perhaps even the Savalirwood as a whole. It felt odd to actually talk to someone about them that’s not him to himself. He appreciated your compassion, telling him that they’d come back home and with the stories he told you hope you’d get to meet them one day.

Caduceus’ expert prepping of meals left you wanting to be able to do the same. Of course he was happy to teach you and with his guidance you cooked your first meal. It wasn’t the best but definitely beat anything you could make on the road by yourself. The spices are to die for. You found yourself falling into the habit of cooking together; a nice way to end the day.

You were having a particularly tough day and ready to just curl up and let the world consume you, there was no hiding from your friendly firbolg roommate. He knew what’s up but gave you a chance to come to him. You didn’t so he came to you. He didn’t say anything, just sat next to you with a cup of tea, set another one in front of you and stayed quiet until you were ready to talk or get back to your business if you didn’t. He wasn’t going to pry in personal matters unless you asked him.

An encounter with a nasty creature you were unable to scare off and away had Caduceus pinned to the ground. With enough courage and some knowledge of physical combat you managed to get the creature off and injure it enough so it fled. Pulling Caduceus to his feet you were engulfed in a hug with a thank you. As is common knowledge Caduceus hugs are the best hugs you found yourself asking for more. Caduceus wasn’t at all opposed to keep this a thing as he’d always enjoyed hugs.

With the two of you growing closer, living together you decided to sit down and talk about what you had and where it was going as neither of you wanted to accidentally lead on the other or set expectations that could not be met. Neither of you were looking for romantic love or romance at all. Some might refer to you as bestest of friends or life partners but that didn’t really seem to fit. You’re just you and Caduceus is him and you liked hugging and spending time together, going through the motions of life and that’s all you needed.

When the Nein came along looking for help, Caduceus offered for you to stay behind, the Blooming Grove was just as much your home as it was his but you went along anyway. You’d never left the forest. Never travelled south either but many adventures found their way to you and you’d be spending them with you with Caduceus through all the ups and downs. The Nein got so used to your dynamic they never questioned it. It was just something that existed and was happening and quite frankly, one of the few normal things about you and the firbolg.

When the day came you found the Clay family you got to be there for Caduceus as he had for you. Meeting them for the first time they lived up to the stories you’d been told. The Clays were very happy to meet Caduceus’ friends but upon learning about your connection to him they were relieved he hadn’t been all alone for all those years they were gone and had some company. They offered you to come back with them but just like Caduceus, there was still some unfinished business and these people, the Mighty Nein still needed your help.

Then, when everything came to a close, you returned to the Blooming Grove and spent the rest of your days there living content. It had been your home and would continue to be your home. The Clays became your family and for the first time in forever you could see yourself content at home leaving with Caduceus to travel at times but always return to that little spot in the Savalirwood.

[teliz20]

Ok, so. I was rewatching the end of episode 140 for the *mumble*th time, trying to pinpoint the exact moment Taliesin decided to cast divine intervention. And I don’t know if I found it, but I think I found when Caduceus started to consider it. It was when Fjord started talking to Essek about how death isn’t the end, just the next part of the trip. Taliesin looked so impressed with Travis. I think that moment really exemplified how much the M9 had grown in Caduceus’ eyes.

When Caduceus met the Nein, they were desperate. They were searching for a way to bring Molly back. But Caduceus’ faith is all about respecting death and not trying to subvert it. He saw their broken hearts and realized he could shepherd them through their grief until they accepted it. And he did. He travelled with them saw how their grief pushed them forward. Drove them to leave every thing better. Saw them return to where Molly was buried months later to gather information, and he saw they still were considering resurrection. They had not yet accepted that he was gone and never coming back. And now that ‘Lucien’ was up and walking their desperation returned. They chased after the Tomb Takers, desperate to find their friend. Throughout their journey in Eiselcross they were debating how much of Molly within Lucien, and if they could draw him out. Even in the final fight they were calling to Molly, to try and connect with that part of Lucien. And after defeating Lucien, they tried one final time to bring Molly back.

But it failed. The odds were not on their side. Either there was no part of Molly left, or he had already passed on and could not be recovered. But in the end, they were left with nothing but the body of their friend. And everyone accepts it. Everyone except Essek. Essek didn’t know Molly, he hasn’t been with the Nein for long. He is not as far along his path of growth as the rest of them. He still wants to bend the world to his will, bend fate and chance. And he doesn’t believe that this is fair. And Fjord assures him it’s not fair. But he and the others have accepted that the world isn’t fair. That sometimes you get the shit end of things. But he also recognizes that they are but one small part of the world. And it wouldn’t be fair for the world to bend around them. He sees that death is a part of life, and when it comes its not the end but just a change. A change to a great unknown that is natural and beautiful. And that’s when Caduceus sees that, he knows the Nein have changed. They are no longer trying to fight the current but accept where it will take them. They start to plan Molly’s burial; they discuss what Molly will turn into now that he’s gone. And Caduceus thinks they’ve earned a little bit of unfairness.

I am a strong believer that those who seek power should not hold it. That the desire for power makes even the most well-intentioned people unfit to wield it. And Caduceus saw that the Mighty Nein no longer were seeking to subvert death. They had finally reached the acceptance stage of their grief. And they had done so by literally fighting and killing the man who looked like their friend, because that’s what had to be done to protect the natural cycle of life. That is how they earned it, not by thinking it was due to them. But by using their grief to do good. And just imagine the good they could do with the joy of resurrection.

[stomp-that-ho-regard]

I know it gets pointed out a lot amongst enlightened beaujester truthers, but it really does bear repeating that up until episode 100, Beau and Yasha had genuinely only ever had a single one-on-one conversation. It was in episode 19, and it really was a train wreck, more so than most people actually remember. It went as follows:-

They're on watch together, and Beau asks Yasha if she wants to huddle for warmth. Yasha refuses, which is not the first time Yasha has rejected Beau, and then awkwardly changes the subject by saying "this is the furthest I've ever been". Before Beau can respond, SAM interjects OOC and says "...romantically" to which everyone laughs. Then Yasha responds more to Sam than to Beau, and says she's only ever been to Xhorhas and Zadash. Beau asks her if she grew up in Xhorhas, which is hilarious because she should already know that, Yasha mentioned it in the last episode. When Yasha tries to explain how long ago she left Xhorhas, Ashley has to break character to read her notes because she can't remember her backstory. It's then SAM that interjects ooc AGAIN to remind her it was about 8 months ago, and in-character, Yasha says to Sam "Yeah it was about 8 months ago". Yasha then looks around to try and think of something to say, and she says "well I love this stuff" and starts stroking the nearby grass. Everyone at the table visibly cringes, and Beau/Marisha says incredulously "...you appreciate grass..?" and Yasha says yeah it's soft to sit on. Beau then attempts to save the conversation by asking Yasha what her favourite thing about her home country is, and while doing this she gets the name of the country wrong. Yasha says she didn't have a favourite thing, which is entirely unsurprising for Yasha, but also means Yasha has stronger opinions about grass than she does her home country. Beau then asks if Xhorhas is really that bad, which is hilarious because she should already know that, Yasha mentioned it in the last episode. Yasha then says Xhorhas is all she knows, which is patently untrue, because she's currently in a different country. Beau then asks Yasha if Xhorhas still feels like home to her, to which Yasha surprisingly answers yes, which could be interesting, but this is then never mentioned again in the entire campaign. Then after an awkward lull, Beau says "...look, you can see your breath" and starts breathing out steam. Everyone groans, multiple people facepalm. Yasha then says... "is our time up yet?" and everyone visibly groans in relief.

This, apparently, is the height of romance and flirting according to BY shippers. I'm sorry, but you can't just excuse this situation by throwing the words "disaster lesbians" over it. The phrase "disaster lesbians" does not mean "two lesbians with zero fucking chemistry and not a single thing in common except their sexuality".

Now, that's bad enough, given that they won't have another 1-on-1 conversation for 81 episodes, but when I watched the episode live, I remember actually liking it. I liked them as a ship, because I thought that the show would actually develop the relationship. But by episode 141, they have LITERALLY the exact same awkward, painful, cringey and shallow dynamic where they genuinely have nothing to talk about. The only difference is, we're now supposed to believe their in love, for some reason, which they never articulate. They are literally only together because they are both lesbians, and because Yasha is such a shit character she needed to drag Beaus character down with her in order to reach a conclusion to her story.

This is why I hate Beau/Yasha. Because Beau is my favourite character, and she is SO MUCH better than this when she's talking to literally anyone else, and you know what, so is Yasha. As bad as she is, she is still better better than this when she's talking to Caleb or Jester or Caduceus. Beau/Yasha is genuinely one of the worst, least convincing relationships I've ever seen depicted, and I desperately want someone who actually likes it to show me what there is to like. But when I've gone looking, its all OOC jokes, fanon overwriting canon, "I pick up the lesbians", Marisha showing lesbian porn to a non-consenting stranger and bragging about it on twitter dot com, and just wholesale stealing stuff from BeauJester.

I liked that convo in ep19 too. It’s been literal years since I’ve seen it though, and I genuinely forgot how painfully awkward it was, and how obvious it was that certain players weren’t retaining info they were told previously, about someone they’re supposed to be interested in. And it shows, that even that early in C2, Ashley had trouble remembering/conveying elements of her own backstory.

“Beau is my favourite character, and she is SO MUCH better than this when she's talking to literally anyone else.”

Yep. Jester, Fjord, Caleb (even if they did butt heads a lot), and Cad to some degree.

“so is Yasha. As bad as she is, she is still better than this when she's talking to Caleb or Jester or Caduceus.”

Especially Jester and Cad. Hell, they were the only two people she felt comfortable enough with to open up to about Zuala for the first time (ep46).

But I also have to point out that even with Yasha being a better communicator with anyone other than Beau, those interactions were still greatly one-sided. What I mean by that is, any emotional support or encouragement or just straight-up comfort, was always coming from the other person to Yasha and not from her to them. She never once said to anyone she talked to, “Hey, I’m here if you ever need to talk about stuff, or get something off your chest, or need a shoulder to cry on.” Those things were always offered to her. It’s like everyone else was a band-aid for her wounds, but she never reciprocated, even for her goddamn love interest.

And yet, I constantly saw and still see BY shippers saying, “Oh, they’re so supportive of each other! Oh, they can really lean on each other! They can talk to each other about anything! It’s so beautiful watching them help each other heal!’

And I just have to laugh because it’s as if these people are living in an alternate timeline. These statements are simply not true. What they’re describing is Beaujester, not Beau/yasha. When these people weren’t busy calling us delusional for shipping Beaujester and thinking it’s better than BY, they were calling the ship itself ‘boring’. And yet it’s pretty clear to me that Beaujester’s deep closeness, softness, intimacy, and trust is the kind of dynamic that they WISH their ship had. But they’d die first before they’d ever openly admit it. (Though I think the fact alone that a lot of them ship BJ 2.0 (Im/odna), admits it for them lol)

Here’s text from an old tweet that I saved: all of beaujester’s themes... childhood loneliness, learning the differences between lust vs. love, family loyalty and what it means to leave... they’ve experienced so many of the same struggles but deal with them so differently. (cr. beaulavorregard)

Beaujester shares all of that (and more). Besides being lesbians, what does BY share?

Exactly.

[thevalleyisjolly]

I like to joke that Essek is basically a post-grad student with a shady internship, which got me thinking about what kind of students the Mighty Nein are, so without further ado, here are the Mighty Nein as students I’ve met in grad school:

Fjord: That one guy who went through all the syllabi at the beginning of term, downloaded all the readings, sorted them by course and week, and then dropped the files in the discord.  Bless that guy <3

Beau: So the prof’s lecturing over Zoom and there’s someone with a question, and they’ll unmute and start talking right before the prof calls on them (and their mic will absolutely be too loud, murdering everyone on headphones), and when they start talking, they’ll go on for three minutes without a breath and completely pick apart everything the prof just said, and the prof will be sitting there repeating the basic points and going “Is that what your question is about?” and the person will go “Yeah, no, I was just thinking that [something completely contradictory]” and the lecture has been fully derailed for the next ten minutes.  Except unlike those people, who have a point maybe 40% of the time, Beau is right about 85% of the time.

Caduceus: The person in group discussions who sits there quietly the whole time, and then right at the end when you’re about to return to the main discussion, summarizes all the discussion points in one sentence and drops a mind-blowing observation based on exactly zero (0) of those ideas, which you don’t have time to even process because the prof’s calling everyone back.

Jester: One time near the end of term, no one did the weekly readings before class because the prof didn’t usually go over the readings in class.  Except that week, the prof decided to spend the lecture doing an in-depth discussion of the readings, and the literally two people who did skim the readings had to cover for the entire class during the whole hour and a half discussion, mostly by asking open ended questions to sidetrack the prof and get them going on long tangents.  Hope Jester’s back isn’t too sore from carrying everyone.  Also, loves it whenever a pet appears in anyone’s webcam.

Caleb: Sends a half dozen emails to the prof reconfirming minute details of the requirements for each assignment, and completely earnestly deprecates his work when everyone is bitching talking about the assignment, but is then also the person who gets the highest grade even though they were the one going “I wasn’t really sure about XYZ...” (which turns out to be the part they got the highest mark on).

Veth: The group discussion speed demon, I mean, she is on it, the moment the professor posts the questions, she’s already set up the discussion forum and laid out all the questions and gone “I’ll start,  I thought this week’s lecture was very interesting-” and meanwhile, no one in the entire class has even touched the readings yet.

Yasha: Stays completely silent in group projects, you barely hear a thing from her after the initial “Who does what” conversation, and who did not, in fact, pick a part of the project to do, but was just the last person to respond and therefore got stuck with what was left.  And you’re kind of worried, did she do the work or not, so you check the group document like a day before the due date and all her work is there and done, exactly according to requirements, no more, no less.

Molly: That one person who always talks about going out for a drink between classes and after classes, and who mixes cocktails during the boring classes instead of taking notes (and makes everyone jealous with the pictures they post in the group chat of whatever they’re currently drinking)

+Essek: Is the person who comes up with an incredibly complex and niche research topic that’s almost entirely unprecedented in the field’s scholarship, but they aren’t great at writing up proposals and the prof keeps urging them to “rethink the topic” and “consider where you might find sources” except they’ve already started doing the research for it, so they grumble and ostensibly pick another topic except it’s tangentially related to their original topic enough that they can do what they originally wanted to do while pretending that they’re really addressing the second topic.

[intergalacticwanderer]

The concept from this post of Molly haunting the M9 but disappearing when the Tomb Takers resurrect Lucien is something that I just. Keep thinking about.

First realizing something is up when Molly accidentally possesses Beau during the assault on the Sour Nest. Everyone being very confused after the fight as to why Beau is so agitated and shouting at nothing. Finally put two and two together that Molly is THERE but can only be seen or heard after possessing someone and there’s a bunch of sudden body hopping and even more shouting. Caduceus being very apprehensive and warning everyone else about the potential dangers but settles for being watchful when they insist it’s okay.

Molly hovering anxiously around Yasha while waiting for her to wake up, but not being able to explain the situation to her before visiting the grave and her still leaving the group in grief. Heavy conversations at the grave about what things are like for Molly now and that honestly, he really doesn’t like being a ghost, but not seeing a way out of it besides being destroyed because he doesn’t even know WHY he’s a ghost. Making an informal goal to fix things for Molly somehow, and Caduceus calmly and comfortingly offering to help him find a way to move on if he’d prefer to do that instead. A coat is still left behind as a promise.

Yasha meeting them again after they travel to the coast and the emotional moment where they’re finally able to explain what’s going on. The whirlwind of the next few weeks and months as they all travel together, Molly spending short stints riding along with someone else so he can at least FEEL something for a little while. Acting as a scout and look out for danger for the rest of the group, but everyone else being careful to not say too much about him around others.

(Standing on the deck of their ship, looking at the night sky splashed with stars and waves crashing around them and Molly longing, aching for the chance to feel the sea breeze in person. Wanting to chase the horizon and new experiences, bound to nothing and no one except for what he chooses.)

Being forced to watch, helpless, as Yasha is taken by Obann. A turning point as Molly insists on staying behind with Yasha, staying with her even as she’s controlled, he knows what being possessed looks like, that’s NOT her. It’s dangerous, yes, but less dangerous to him, he can stay with her, do his best to keep watch, she’s worth the risk. Truly splitting up for the first time since he started haunting them, barely seeing each other, connecting for a few frantic moments during a tense chase through the woods at night before Molly is gone again, following Yasha and Obann as they teleport away. Not realizing as they enter the Folding Halls of Halas that that was the last time they’d see him.

A hard fought but victorious battle at the Chantry of the Dawn. Yasha returned to them, only to be followed by that horrible moment of, wait, I thought he was with YOU, what do you mean he’s not with you? But Molly is no where to be found. By anyone. The realization that he might truly be gone for good, and no one was even there to see it happen.

Delayed grief hits home and it hits HARD. They lean on each other, be there for each other, and try to keep themselves occupied with the next tasks in front of them. A dinner with a possible new friend. Tricking a hag. Visiting the Menagerie. A betrayal, returning Nott to Veth, a party, a tough conversation with hope for the future, ending a war. Finally making their way to Traveler Con and Rumblecusp, memories slipping away under a strange influence (there was a coat), stopping that strange influence once and for all and receiving a vision more important that any of them could realize.

Going home and looking for information while deciding what to do next. Eventually coming to the decision to visit a grave for answers. Wondering if this might finally be the chance to give their friend what he’d been looking for, a chance to live, to feel again, but also guilt that they couldn’t do it sooner, worry that it might already be too late. They start digging for the body.

A body that’s not there.

A body that’s not there because he’s already alive again.

There’s elation and shock but also confusion and wariness. Why was the coat left behind? Why had no effort been made to contact them, to contact Yasha? What is going on?

Finding out what's going on several days later with the abrupt murder of Vess DeRogna and everything being thrown into chaos. Giving chase to figure out the answers to all the new questions, and upon finally catching up to this mystery, the person with the face of their friend? No memories, no recognition. Not Mollymauk. Lucien.

Being told that Mollymauk had just been a fragment of a larger whole, an insignificant speck that didn't matter (but he mattered to them) and has been reabsorbed. Putting two and two together with the timing of Lucien's resurrection and Molly's disappearance. Grappling with the implications of what this might mean, what does this mean for their friend? Not knowing the answer but pushing forward anyway, knowing that Lucien has to be stopped, and hoping somehow, someway, they might get their friend back, but not seeing how.

Traveling together is unexpected and even more confusing. Seeing echoes, reflections of their friend in Lucien, seeing the roots of where he came from but simultaneously seeing the ways he is NOT him (let her have her?!) and not knowing what to do with it. Having the choice made for them in the night, chasing after and fleeing away for their lives. Finding safe haven with a guiding star.

Taking only a moment to breathe before rushing ahead. Nearly tripping and falling when Caleb’s past comes calling but (barely) managing to get up again, returning and making their way into Aeor with Essek at their side. Felling three of the Tomb Takers and then the chase is on, racing against the clock and Lucien before catching up with him and Cree at a gate. Noticing something strange in how Lucien reacts to certain words, keeping it in mind as they jump after him into the astral sea.

Dealing with the figurative and literal nightmare that is Cognouza, stopping Cree, plane shifting a threshold crest, saving Yussa. Witnessing a coup by Lucien, who, for some reason, still tells them to run. Leaves them alive (why did I leave you alive?). A battle for the fate of the world.

Fighting back, talking back, and something inside him listens. Hears them as they reach out. Hammer, hammer, hammering away with both weapons and words in the hardest fight of their lives. Some even losing their lives, until, finally, they triumph, Cognouza Incarnate slain. Two lost lives restored... and one more left to try. To give another chance.

It fails.

They mourn, heartbroken. Figuring that if nothing else, he's no longer trapped. Wishing that they could have done more. Hoping that he will be able to rest. Caduceus sending up a prayer.

It succeeds.

Elation, shock, reunions, tears. Single words that speak volumes. Showering with love, they did it, they kept their promise, they did it! Returning to the Blooming Grove hand in hand, all nine of them at last.

Checking in with their restored friend that night and the next day. Coming back to himself and yet not. Memories are gone but he's not blank either, knowing he's with friends but not knowing how he knows. A mind that can't remember but a heart that does, feelings instead of names. A new name and a new start.

Danger follows them, briefly, but it is smacked down, dealt with. Humbled and brought low and given the amount of respect it deserves, which is to say, none. They exhale, exhausted but accomplished. Taking time for much needed rest.

Noticing things about him during the rest. Hugs that linger, clinging a little too tight. Hours spent lying in the grass, hands running through the blades over and over while watching the clouds. Visits to flower after flower, touching petals and breathing deep. Almost crying over a new food, a new taste before eating himself sick. Leaning in at any music, any song, attention lost towards anything else. Closing his eyes and listening to the sounds of nature in the evening, just being. Existing. Living.

Later traveling to Nicodranas. Him watching the ocean, transfixed. Walking to the shore, closing his eyes and breathing in as the sea breeze blows through his hair. Starting to cry without even knowing why. (His mind can't recall the memory, not yet, but his heart does, aching at the clarity. An ache that can hopefully be soothed, now that that longing has been fulfilled.)

Not even questioning it when he joins the crew of the Nein Heroez. Parting ways, but also knowing that they will ALL be seeing each other again soon (too much love amongst them for anything else), starting the next journey. Getting a second chance.

Living life. Being happy. And knowing that he will never have to be alone again.

[sparring-spirals]

3. Favorite headcanon you've seen re: the finale or 31. Favorite speech given by a PC? ~aeoranexpat

3 Favorite headcanon re: the finale: Gonna go with the flow here and say each and every iteration of Professor Caleb and the M9 storming into his classroom- physically and metaphorically- while his students look on in bafflement. It's a beautiful conglomerate of my favorite things: The Mighty Nein all staying close (in theory THAT is my favorite hc, except its not a hc. its true. i take no arguments in this). Caleb with a path that lets him lead youths and treat them to knowledge and guidance the way he should have gotten. And of course, external people percieving the Mighty Nein. I love seeing external people percieve the M9, in all their wild, chaotic, deeply affectionate glory.

in terms of hc's I've seen less frequently though, im also a big fan of "Veth refuses to ever clear up how messaging works and instead literally forges a mind link with Yasha instead of admitting anything" and "Yasha gets really good at gardening and plants and meets with Caduceus regularly to exchange seeds and cuttings and gentle giant discussions".

31 Favorite speech given by a PC: Oh this one took a while. Initially because I wasn't sure what constituted a "speech"- a lot of my favorite moments throughout the series more came from conversations/discussions between the M9, but probably didn't count as speeches. (The M9 talking to Beau after the hag hut, a bunch of the Rumblecusp convos, Caleb's images, the beau/jester boat talk, caleb and yasha talking about guilt and forgiveness, a BUNCH of the caleb and veth conversations, veth and jester talking about the flask, OH GOD HOW DO THEY ALL HAVE SUCH INCREDIBLE CONVERSATIONS-). I think Caleb and Caduceus are the two most prone to speeches in the generic sense, and the two that come to mind- "you were not born with poison in your veins" and "pain doesn't make people. love makes them"- are both fucking iconic as hell and i love them both.

But when I first saw this prompt, the immediate thing that came to mind was Fjord's talk with Caleb in episode 98. Specifically, the line: "I don't know if I'm more comfortable or if I just care less, and in some ways I think that's a better place to be", and just the whole thing, about learning he doesn't always need to be polished, and perfect, and project perfection, about how now, now he's excited for what life holds with the rest of the M9 and how each of their stories will turn out, and then capped with "This is more life than I thought I would ever see".

I think everyone in the M9 went through a internal journey and personal growth, of course. But Fjord's has always been near and dear to me, and this, this always felt like such a beautiful summation of it, such a clear pivot from where he'd been only 20, 30 episodes ago, all bundled up in love for the M9 and an awe that he would get happiness, he could finally look to the future and see better things, he could let go of so many of the anxieties and fears that he kept wrapped tight like a turtle shell (ha). Projecting and faking and being petrified. I just think about this tiny speech and, and then about Fjord cheerfully making a fool of himself in front of the Mighty Nein with no more fear, no more worry, and. It makes me happy. There are so many good speeches and talks through the campaign, but dammit. I have a really soft spot for this one.

[violet-t-9]

Check in on my (not very realistic) wish list for episode 135

1. The M9 eventually find a way to catch up with Lucien and Cree before they are able to go to the astral sea and at least start the combat (Bonus: Cree gets a wild magic effect that gives M9 some advantage or laughs).

Doesn’t look like it’s gonna happen. Well, I’m still personally REALLY happy that they all decided to explore a little bit much and ended up with combat lol. I love the heavy lore dump, reveals, map and the Aeorian nullifier/others combat, all part of the D&D fun.

2. Caleb and Beau somehow don’t get any extra eyes from their dreams (look, let me have some hope alright, last episode was kinda open-ended).

Noooo not on the clavicle and the palm... These stupid eyes are the reason why the empire siblings rolled bad rolls first thing in the morning, I’m telling you.

3. People on watch in the dome have some one-on-one conversations (Yasha and Fjord are doing the first watch, looking forward to it, also hoping for whoever on the second watch to talk).

Nope :( I’m a bit sad that they just kind of time skipped to the morning but it’s understandable.

4. If the empire siblings do get eyes can we at least have a morning eye check routine and Essek’s reaction to it? (Bonus: Essek examines the eye and offers help in some way)

I mean, we got part of a nice conversation about the eye so that counts as a reaction right. Essek is very wary about it, understandably. Don’t worry Essek, Fjord will take care of it if the eyes turn them evil. 

5. More wild magic effects from casting in Aeor! Jester, Essek, Caleb, Caduceus, Veth and Fjord I’m looking at y’all. (Bonus: the effects are harmless and fun ones, like Bjald)

OH NO CALEB not first thing in the morning... wow never mind it’s a nice nostalgic smell! Apple tart, how awesome. I mean a lot of people used higher level magic and didn’t roll yet (or maybe they did we just don’t know)? This particular effect was harmless and fun tho. 

6. They explore the Aeorian ruins even more along the way and discover cool relics/labs/history and lore (Bonus: clues related to the Eyes of Nine).

Ayyy genesis ward looks like a fun place, thanks to their high investigation rolls we found so much sweet lore. They also went into underground city ruins and basically wizard paradise lol. AND A BOOK ON THE SOMNOVEM! This is the first clue we have found so far. Also, Factorum Mollis project/Creator Hammer? Athodan’s rejuvenation/dunamancy? The plot thickens. THEY FOUND WHERE THEY NEED TO GO! B9!

7. Beau and Yasha have fun with some shameless PDA OR alternatively they get some super private time (bonus: cuddles in the dome).

I love their morning flirting. “That was amazing babe”, “Jump I’ll catch you!”, “Come here baby”, that’s some shameless PDA right there we love to see it. ALSO, Marisha said “we are doing PDA it’s a thing” and I feel so validated right now.

8. Jester and Fjord heal each other at least one time OR have a deep conversation (bonus: Jester complimenting Bjald).

They didn’t heal each other/converse BUT they had some nice moments! Fjord holds Jester’s ankles and waist at her request, how cute!

9. Continuing to hope for Essek’s fancy dunamantic spells OR magical items (I just love his style and flair okay).

OG Fortune’s Favour!! Thanks Essek. Identifying the keycard was also helpful. Essek giving Veth a pearl and telling her to aim it was so funny lol. LEVEL 4 LIGHTNING BOLT? What spell/item is that? Wow Essk is well-equipped.

10. They talk seriously OR laugh together about Bjald/smooth Fjord (Bonus: Veth disses Bjald just because) but Fjord eventually gets his hair back.

Wow straight out of the gate lol, Veth doesn’t wait (they are seriously expending spell slots for this). Also Veth cannot stop trying to grab his illusory hair. She also tells Devexian that Fjord is not a robot despite him not having hair I can’t even- Also, rejuvenation tube gave Bjald hair back and a long rest, great! 

11. Continuing to hope for Caleb to polymorph into anything really, or using polymorph on any party member (polymorph! Caleb interactions my beloved).

Sparrow! Caleb my beloved! “I’m adorable” indeed, he totally is adorable. Landing on Jester, Fjord and Charlie must have been fun.

12. More moments of Essek’s trust issue (OR changes in his opinion) with Charlie and more moments of Charlie being helpful to the party.

Charlie was a very competent translator! Also, Essek does continue to have a lot of trust issues. 

13. Jester and Charlie cute interactions OR Veth and Charlie interactions (Bonus: They reach the genesis ward to fix Charlie).

Charlie stopped listening when Jester asked him to, how cute! Veth also advocated for Charlie’s repair because she is already 100% attached - and they did fix Charlie I MEAN DEVEXIAN. Veth’s flirting with Devexian is... kinda cute? I guess?? Not sure how Devexian feels about it lol.

14. Cad attempting to speak with the dead on the remaining TT members (there is still Otis and Zoran right) and learning some useful information.

Well, speak with the dead was cast on the dead Aeorian warrior and some useful information was learned about the rejuvenation chamber I’d say. It was not cast on the TT members though. 

15. Caleb casting fire spell challenge! I miss his signature fire magic that we have not seen in a long time, actually (Bonus: Essek is impressed).

Well fire bolt is a fire spell and actually does decent damage for a fire bolt.

16. Cad has a particularly badass moment in or out of combat (bonus: divine intervention success).

HOLY THAT BANISHMENT WAS SO BADASS, also that canceled nat 20 on Yasha. Wow Cad continues to be cool in battles, he is such a MVP!!

17. Veth has a particularly badass moment in or out of combat (bonus: HDYWTDT).

I mean all Veth’s sneak attacks are badass in my book.

18. The wizards nerd out about/investigate Aeorian magic together OR have another conversation (look, I love how they talk to each other okay).

WOW both happened! Essek stayed behind with Caleb in the record room and had a conversation to keep him on track. Right after, Caleb also reminded Essek of the same thing. Once again, I love how they talk to each other. Their dynamic is so fascinating. They also nerd out about/found dunamis (and a literal beacon piece) together in that chamber! That would make sense, time magic = rejuvenation and all that.

19. I know this is highly unlikely but I still kinda want to see the tower again with Essek getting a full tour! I want to see his room decor.

Nope, as expected lol. I don’t think we will see the tower until they deal with Lucien? We will see though, you never know.

20. We find out what exactly Capeleb/Caleb saw when Jester was casting commune/scry (it’s totally something Artagan-related, but what though?).

Nope, but it’s fine. It’s probably not urgent, otherwise Caleb would mention it.

21. Yasha pushes another red button and Beau enabling her out of love.

Yasha went “do it” as Fjord went in the tube lol so she was more of an enabler.

22. You know the drill by now - everyone remains relatively happy and alive by the end of the episode except Lucien and Cree (they can perish), and the episode ends on a terrifying cliffhanger as always.

Wow that episode was PACKED with so much information, I can’t even digest it all. Anyways, the score this time is  14/22, which is not bad at all. 

Bonus: 

Caleb shared half of his pearls with Essek! Also, wow that IS a beacon that they just found. The 3 magic users showboating each other at the end I can’t lmao I love them.

I just love all the noises of the Aeorian Nullifier, thank you Matt.

Jester, for that wand of smiles move, I love you even more (also she was the only one who actually tried to keep the party on task lol).

This episode will certainly need some re-watching to process all the information... but wow what an experience! Loving everything, as always. I cannot wait for next Thursday!

[readbythestarlight]

c2e130

I missed the ad except from the very end but RIP hacker Sam

This is amazingly awkward

“What have you done?!” the poor man’s having a panic attack

“You brought her HERE?!”

“You think I would just Willy-nilly bring her here?”

“YES!”

[[MORE]]

He knows you too well Jester

She’s laying it on a little thick

Anyway I love him

Jester

Darling

Not trying to set them up huh?

Oh no Nugget!!

Nugget can just poof himself wherever he wants tho it’s fine

“I look like my mom” oh my GOD I’m crying

By the time they come back from shopping all of the criminals are going to have adopted Luc

It’ll be like that meme “I’ve only known this halfling child for 20 minutes but if anything happens to him we’ll kill everyone in this city and then ourselves”

Oh wait

Going to Pumat’s is a BAD idea

Lmao he is NOT subtle

As bad an idea as this is I have missed him

That’s def an assembly spy

Cad trying to do Fjord’s southern accent xD

“Do you have enchanted oats?”

“...Is that a thing?”

Marion and Jester make me cry

FUCK your Trent

“For once in your very little life—“ hot DAMN, Caleb, what a burn!

Oh no oh god

OH NO OH FUCK

OH NO YUSSAH WHAT DID YOU DO

YUSSAH

Fuck y’all the city has him doesn’t it

Oh, Veth :(

Y’all are making me worried/nervous about Veth making it back okay stop

I forgot Fjord and Jester and Yasha had never been there

Gosh I love his family

The death flags are strong tonight and I don’t like it

Oh Calliope...

Oh Caduceus.......

Y’all this is crushing me

“I was gonna be the one who stayed” oh???

God can you imagine an alternate version where Caduceus stayed in his lonely home forever while his family all left him one by one

“I don’t wanna go. But I don’t want you to go either. Cause it has to be me. Cause ive already seen it, and it will just horrify me just a little less than the rest of you.”

God, they’re all so tired aren’t they? I think I’m just realizing how tired they all are.

They need a break after this. A few long weeks at the very least.

“Look at what the world has done to my hair.”

I’m gonna cry y’all if everyone doesn’t come back safe I’m gonna be a wreck

“If there’s a way for my body to get back here—“ SHUT UP

I’m literally so stressed out irl rn that I’m on the verge of crying over this but I’m also glad we got this scene with Cad. He doesn’t get to have these moments often enough I don’t think.

Oh fuck y’all

I hate this

Cas: “sorry I got angry. I don’t usually raise my voice and storm out.”

The M9: ?????? Bitch WHERE????

He had dreams about them and the eyes holy shit

I am so scared y’all

If Beau ends up with another eye from this I will quit

FUCK YOU LUCIEN

“Do you have like a manager I could speak to? I don’t really want to talk to you.” I love Beau and I’m crying thank god for that laugh

Fucking hell girl

Goddammit

Monk shit is best shit

Cad ships BeauYasha so hard

Can we stop having conversations that make me sad and just all go to bed please

God they all fully expect to die don’t they

I’m not emotionally stable enough for this rn

Fjord is just being so calm and positive about this and I’m just gonna cry about it

“We’re coming back” DAMN RIGHT YOU ARE

Fjord and Jester are so cute y’all I literally cannot handle them

Caleb having his goodbye moment with Frumpkin. This cast is determined to destroy me in every possible way.

“So much family...”

Shut UP Caleb I will not accept this negative energy

“We’ll do our best to keep families together” that sounds like some planned self-sacrificing energies there

“If we do make it back, you’ve been a good companion all this time. Actually it’s a win-win for you because if we all die out there you get to go back to where your home is. But if we do make it back, I’m going to let you go anyway. Because... you’re not my cat. My cat is dead.” Caleb please.

“But you’re a good boy anyway, and you’ve done a lot of good for me, so. One way or another you’ll be free soon.”

Caleb no

I’m gonna cry this is too much

I don’t want Frumpkin to go

Okay Yasha time

“A flower that seems kind” awww

Yasha’s attempts to reach out to the Stormlord are so soft and so sweet

Matt it’s supposed to be a kind flower don’t let it poison her

Oh

It’s about time he answer her

Oh hot damn that was good

I’m a wreck from this episode like emotionally exhausted but this is so good

“I wanted everyone to get high and find their gods” xD

[iatethepomegranate]

We are not alone in the dark with our demons: Chapter 9

A fic in which Caleb buys a house with Rexxentrum with Beau and Yasha, becomes a professor, learns to be a person, and fights to protect others from what happened to him.

Content warnings: Caleb's backstory, implied abuse, medical trauma

Chapter summary: The morning comes, and there are two boys who need Caleb's help.

Chaper notes: My writing is slowing a bit, and work is starting to pick up. Updates will probably be slower from now on. Chapter title is from Woodwork by Sleeping At Last

****

Chapter 9: The world reappears and it breaks us new

The morning was slow. Essek read as Caleb lay in bed for a while, taking stock of the aches in his body and the cracks in his psyche. Caduceus had healed most of his injuries, leaving him mostly with minor aches and pains that were no different than he had experienced on the road. And the help from Caduceus and Essek last night had meant he had been able to sleep. Not as much as he needed, really, but enough that he wasn’t going to burst into tears if someone looked at him funny.

He was as okay as he was going to be. He soaked in the last few moments of warmth in bed, and Essek’s hand scratching his scalp like he would a cat, before heaving himself up and getting ready for the day ahead. This one would be difficult, too.

They ate breakfast together on the floor of Nico’s room, conversing quietly. Caduceus had served grilled tomatoes with poached eggs, toast and fried mushrooms in a generous sauce of butter, mixed herbs Caleb couldn’t place, and a ton of garlic. Food was more appealing this morning, and Caleb was famished. He also had a headache, probably from dehydration, so Caduceus had brought him a huge glass of water.

“Caddy, you could be a professional cook,” Beauregard said through a mouthful of food.

“Swallow your food before talking,” Caduceus said, ignoring her comment aside from a small smirk.

She swallowed. “Whatever, man.”

Essek was eating carefully, like he was afraid to spill anything on the floor. “Do we know when your old friends are arriving, Caleb?”

“They didn’t give us an exact time,” said Beauregard. “So who the fuck knows?”

“No later than eleven,” said Caleb. “Possibly by ten. They said they would be here in the morning.”

“I mean, 11:59 is still technically morning.”

“Not for Volstrucker.”

Caleb watched the others as their shoulders tightened, jaws clenched, eyes burned with fury at the implications they read in Caleb’s soft tone. Before they collectively breathed out and went back to eating. It was an odd mix of comfort and sadness to see how strongly they were affected by what he, and by extension the Volstrucker, had been through. He felt okay enough in this moment that it didn’t break him.

Essek laid a hand on his knee. Silent comfort. And he was okay enough that that didn’t break him, either. Even as tired as he was.

He helped Caduceus wash the dishes afterwards, needing to do something with his hands while they waited. As they stacked the dried dishes and put them away, Caduceus spoke for the first time since they had begun.

“You look better.” Caduceus kept his voice neutral, as if making a casual observation. Caleb was grateful for that.

“I feel better. Thank you for last night.”

“Oh, psh.”

That was the extent of their discussion on the matter. Wulf and Astrid arrived shortly thereafter, moving stiffly with poorly-concealed pain. Caleb met them at the door. Astrid headed straight upstairs with barely a word, but Wulf lingered in the centre of the living room.

He watched Astrid’s departure with a tense quirk to the corner of his mouth. “So, we all agree yesterday was fucked up, right?”

“I am the last person to disagree, Wulf.”

His eyes slid to Caleb’s; his face was stern as it often was, but there was pain in his eyes that he probably wasn’t displaying by choice. “You all right?”

“As all right as I can be, I suppose.” It was true now; it hadn’t been last night. “You?”

“Hm.” His mouth twitched. Looked away. “Not my favourite memory to revisit.”

In the moment, there had been no time for hesitation. Caleb had needed to give directions and get shit done. And he had known Wulf was the best option to handle Nico in whatever state they found him in.

“I’m sorry,” Caleb said. “You had the best chance with him.”

“I know.” Wulf exhaled through his nose, rubbing his wrists and hands as all of them often did to work out the kinks of repeated spellwork. The three of them used to do it for each other. Now Caleb and Essek sometimes did. He wondered if Wulf and Astrid still did it. “For better or worse, I have experience.” He swallowed. “There were no good options. Didn’t like to watch you run into a burning building, either, but…” He looked away.

Caleb wasn’t sure what to say. They were still awkward with each other. It wasn’t that long ago that Wulf had quite literally stabbed him. And now Wulf had just spoken more to Caleb than he had in a very long time. He was still rubbing his hands, looking everywhere but Caleb, and the whole thing was extremely uncomfortable.

Caleb had been uncomfortable a lot in social situations, especially in the last year. He could take it. And he could easily either wait Wulf out or bait him into speaking whatever else was on his mind.

“Wulf.” Caleb found the right tone, the one he had once used to break Wulf down when he was having a bad day and wasn’t talking about it.

Wulf closed his eyes, his grimace becoming an irritated half-smile. “What?”

Caleb waited. Wulf looked at him, annoyed. Caleb smiled at him. Wulf looked away, swearing under his breath.

“Wulf,” Caleb said slowly, “what’s the matter?”

He crossed his arms (great forearms as always), shoulders hunched a little. And when he spoke, it was almost too quiet for Caleb to hear. “Can I have a hug?”

“Ja, of course.” Caleb would be lying if he said he’d expected that, but he certainly wasn’t going to turn Wulf down. They were both going through a lot right now, and despite the light stabbing, Caleb did still care a great deal for him.

Wulf didn’t move. Caleb waited a moment longer, until it was clear Wulf was not going to initiate. So he stepped forward and put his hands on Wulf’s shoulders until he looked at him.

“All right,” Caleb said. “Come here.” He slid his arms around him, and Wulf stepped forward, tentatively holding onto his waist. Wulf relaxed into the hug, folding downwards until his forehead met Caleb’s shoulder.

He breathed, and shuddered a little. Caleb held him tighter, and could feel the barest tremors surging through Wulf’s body. His hands spasmed on Caleb’s back.

When they finally separated, Wulf cleared his throat, straightened his coat and said, “Not one word. To anyone.”

“Don’t worry,” Caleb said wryly, “your reputation is safe.”

Wulf raised his eyebrow; it was attractive. “Cute.”

“Some things haven’t changed.”

The moment was taut, like stretched twine. Wulf chuckled. “Some things have.”

“Oh?”

There was a soft laugh from the stairs; Astrid had evidently doubled back. “Careful, Wulf. His drow boyfriend is upstairs.”

The tension snapped; Wulf stepped back, the ghost of laughter still on his lips. “Yeah, I don’t know how you seduced the Shadowhand of all people, but you were always really fucking charismatic.”

Caleb looked towards the stairs, past Astrid. “It was more complicated than that, but… here we are.” They had wasted enough time. “Let’s do this.”

The others were already assembled in Nico’s room, Caduceus carefully portioning out the correct amount of diamond dust. Essek was posted up in the corner by the door, while Beau and Yasha filled the space closer to the bed. Caleb positioned himself on the other side of the door from Essek. Wulf moved in to fill a gap near Beauregard, and Astrid moved closer to Caduceus. Nico knew her best, as far as Caleb could tell. It was a good spot to be.

Caduceus looked to Caleb. “Anything we should be prepared for?”

“Hard to say,” Caleb replied, reluctantly digging into his fragmented memories of his time like this. “He will be disoriented. Likely afraid. Have we taken all his spell components?”

“Everything we could find,” Beauregard replied. He did not like the uncertainty in her tone.

“Those of us who can counterspell should prepare,” said Caleb. “Just in case. Muscle, be ready to grab him. He might not…” He sighed. “My situation was different. I knew where I was. I knew I was in danger. He may be more confused than I was.” Caleb had been confused and disoriented, but the fear of recognising that he was in a room at the sanatorium had overridden all of that. Adrenaline had pushed him towards survival. He had no idea how Nico would react. But in an unfamiliar place, with mostly unfamiliar people, realising the memories that drove him to murder his parents were false?

It was going to be ugly.

“One moment,” said Essek. He pulled out a pearl and pressed it to Caleb’s forehead, casting Fortune’s Favour. He did the same for everyone except Caduceus and himself. He could, in theory, have cast it using a higher level slot to catch more people at once and save his pearls, but it would come at the cost of losing more powerful spells he may need later. Caleb had a stash of pearls in his study, and was already plotting to make Essek accept them. Then Essek situated himself at the door once again.

“Do you have Counterspell?” Caleb asked him, having never seen Essek cast it.

“I picked it up recently.”

“Good.” Caleb took a deep breath. “Ready, Caduceus?”

“Ready.” Caduceus began to cast, reaching out to touch Nico’s forehead. He closed his eyes, brow furrowed, and Caleb was concerned what effect this may have on him. Then there was a bright light and the diamond dust vanished from his hand. Caduceus pulled back.

All eyes on Nico. The boy squeezed his eyes shut, groaning. Then he sat up, eyes darting around the room, pausing on Astrid for a second, and Wulf. And then a gasp. His hands were moving.

Caleb counterspelled. It didn’t take. He burned his mote. It didn’t take. There was a split second where his mind slowed time and he watched every other caster try to unravel Nico’s spell. And fail.

A huge roar. A burst of light and heat. Caleb’s head cracked against something solid and his vision went dark.

Then hands were on him, and he was awake. Caduceus pulled him to his feet, and rushed over to Essek, who was curled up in pain but conscious, casting Ray of Frost at flames licking the walls.

The others had already made it to their feet. Nico was nowhere to be found.

Astrid shook her head like a dog shaking off water. “We need to move.”

“We’ll stay here and handle the fire,” Caduceus said, helping Essek to his feet.

The rest of them were out the door in seconds, Beau and Yasha in the lead because they were fast as fuck. They spilled out into the street.

“Bren,” said Astrid, “thoughts?”

“Check all routes out of the city. I’ll message the Cobalt Soul. You message any Volstrucker who may help.”

“We’ll link up with the monks,” said Beauregard, grabbing Yasha’s hand and rushing south towards the Court of Colours.

Caleb had an idea. “Wulf, would you like to be a giant eagle?”

“Do it.”

Caleb grabbed his cocoon and cast. Wulf’s form shifted into a huge eagle, and he took to the air, almost buffeting Caleb off his feet.

Astrid tugged Caleb northward. “I suspect he knows the northern areas better.”

“Right.” Caleb pulled out his copper wire. “High Curator, Nicolaus has been restored, but he fled. Beauregard is on her way to ask your aid.”

“We will mobilise the monks. Thank you for the warning.”

Astrid had shot a quick message to one of the Volstrucker. Caleb spotted a Crownsguard on the nearest street corner.

“Excuse me!”

The guard took them in, taking special note of Astrid. “Uh, yes? How can I help?”

“Have you seen a young man with dark hair, no coat or shoes, come through this area?”

“I don’t believe so, no.”

“If you do,” said Astrid, “do not engage.”

“Is he a threat, Archmage?”

“He is a frightened young man,” said Caleb. “He is not a threat if he is not threatened.”

“Get the word out,” said Astrid. “If I hear he has been harmed, there will be consequences.”

Caleb pointed to the giant eagle overhead. “Oh, and he’s with us.”

Then Caleb and Astrid ran further north, towards the market. Caleb was already doubting himself; maybe looping in the Crownsguard had been a mistake. And Caleb had used his one concentration spell to turn Wulf into an eagle, so there was precious little he could do magically from here.

“Caleb,” came Essek’s voice. “Caduceus communed with his god. The boy has a spellcasting focus. He is moving north. That is all we know. Good luck.”

“Thank you. Stay safe.” Caleb looked to Astrid. “Nico has a spellcasting focus and is moving north.” He then passed the information to Beauregard with another Sending. And one to Wulf; he recalled somewhat understanding Common while in giant eagle form himself. Astrid Sent to her Volstrucker contact.

“The Volstrucker are mobilising to reach the gates,” she told him.

“What are Nico’s favourite spells?” Without his spellbook, the boy would be limited in his casting. “Aside from Fireball.”

“Mostly Evocation spells,” said Astrid. They were reaching a crowd at the market, which was going to be a problem. She grabbed Caleb’s hand, pulling him along, both their heads on a swivel. “He’s a firebug like you.”

“Any illusions we should worry about?”

“Disguise Self, most likely. I don’t know if he had it prepared.”

“I guess we will have to watch for body language as well.” This was a fucking mess. All this preparation, and they’d managed to lose the boy anyway. If he had managed to disguise himself, it would have been a simple task to move through the market unnoticed.

“Caduceus is attempting to scry,” said Essek. “I will update you.”

“Danke schön. We are in the market. Volstrucker are moving ahead. He may have disguised himself.”

The market was just walls of sound and people and distraction everywhere. If Nico were were, they weren’t going to find him. So they pushed ahead onto the other side, catching their breath.

“I’m starting to think this is a fool’s errand,” Astrid muttered, pressing a palm to her ribs.

“Are you hurt?”

“No more than you.”

There wasn’t time to argue the matter. “Do you have Invisibility prepared today? Or Fly? I have to keep Wulf in the air.”

“I have Trent’s boots today. I can turn you invisible, or help you Fly.”

“Flight may be best. We do not want to lose track of each other.”

Astrid cast the spell and activated her boots, sending them both into the air. They soared to the nearest rooftop and landed, watching the market with a better vantage point.

“We should move ahead,” said Caleb. “If he’s still here, we won’t see him in the market.” They flew further north, dimly aware that children were pointing at them. So much for keeping this quiet; Ludinus would no doubt hear about this. And be a pain in the ass.

They paused on another rooftop; the northeastern gates were visible from here. Caleb’s heart sank further with each passing second.

“The scry went through but he cannot see much. The boy is disguised; a half-elf girl with red hair and freckles. Dressed as a barmaid.” Essek cast the spell again. “Not much detail around him. There are stones, but also dirt. He’s running now.”

“He may be outside the city. Thank you.” Caleb pushed off the roof, trusting Astrid to follow. He Sent to Beauregard. “Caduceus scried. Nico’s disguised as a red-haired half-elf barmaid. I think he’s outside the city. He’s running.”

Beauregard’s response began with a drawn-grown. “Motherfucker. We’ll head out the southeast gate and curve north.”

Astrid had also Sent to her Volstrucker contact. They flew for as long as the spell lasted, touching down close to the city gates. The Righteous Brand soldiers guarding the gate watched them curiously as they ran past, but made no move to stop them. Astrid’s authority was saving them a lot of grief today.

They searched the road, the fields. But it became more and more evident that Nico had evaded them. Eadwulf touched down beside them as the spell ended and he was human again. Caleb leaned against a fencepost, willing himself not to crack.

“We should regroup,” said Astrid. “Your place, Bren?”

He nodded. Took a deep breath. Started walking. He Sent one last message to Beauregard. She and Yasha linked up with them near the gate. They walked back to the house together.

****

Caleb was used to feeling like a failure. But this one hurt more than most. The group sat in Beau and Yasha’s living room, drinking tea Caduceus had made.

“Caleb, you’ve got the most experience here,” said Beauregard. “What’s the kid thinking?”

The answer was simple. “Get out.”

“Where would you have gone?”

“The nearest woods,” said Caleb. “For me, that was the Pearlbow Wilderness. He may try to head there. Lots of cover, places to hide, few people.”

“I can scry on him again,” said Caduceus.

“Go ahead.”

Caduceus set his teacup aside and closed his eyes, concentrating. It would take a few minutes.

“I will have the Volstrucker search the area,” said Astrid. “If the scry works, we will have an easier time.”

“I’ll see if we can spare a few monks to back you up,” replied Beauregard.

“He won’t go near Vergesson,” said Wulf.

“No,” Caleb agreed. The thought of the boy coming anywhere near that place made him physically ill. “He will lay low for a bit, and then probably go looking for a small town on the edge of civilization. Somewhere no one would expect to find a wizard. He has fire for warmth, evidently, but food and water will be an issue.”

“Think he could survive in the woods?” asked Beauregard.

“Probably.” Caleb had.

“We’ll find him,” Essek said quietly. He was not a man given to empty platitudes.

“I hope so.”

The energy in the room was almost depleted. The group sat there, deflated, while Caduceus worked through his ritual. At the point, by Caleb’s count, that the spell should have connected, Caduceus jolted and opened his eyes. He shook his head.

“He resisted. I can try again tomorrow.”

“Oh.” Caleb hadn’t meant to speak. It was… this hurt. A lot.

Caduceus scanned the group. “Who needs healing?”

Everyone, really. Astrid and Wulf grudgingly accepted the assistance, and were unable to hide how much they visibly relaxed in relief.

“Bren, meet me in my office,” said Astrid. “I will mobilise the Volstrucker in the meantime.”

“I’ll talk to the monks,” said Beauregard.

****

Caleb took a few minutes to himself before walking to the Academy. Just a moment to sit in his study, count and sort the various inkwells he now owned, and breathe. The others let him have that time.

Then, he headed out with a purpose. Astrid was already settled behind her desk when he arrived.

“The Volstrucker are organising for a search pattern,” she said, waving at him to sit at a seat in front of the desk. She had switched to Zemnian the instant they were alone. “It’s out of our hands at this point. We have another matter to discuss.”

“Felix.” Caleb sighed, and almost felt like was going to collapse the floor with the force of it. At least the chair caught him. “He needs to go home. And we need to tell him the whole story of what happened with Nico. I can teach him Sending. If Felix is up to it, a familiar voice might help.”

“I agree,” said Astrid. “We also have to explain the situation to Felix’s parents. That will be challenging.”

Caleb tried to imagine how his own parents would have reacted if they had learned their own son was ordered to kill them, and intended to do it. He was not strong enough to follow through on that thought experiment. Not today. Maybe not ever.

“We need to put him back in school when he’s ready,” Caleb said. “He will stew in this if we let him.”

“If you would like to convince his parents, be my guest.”

“That may be a conversation for another day. How much does Felix know about what happened with Nico?”

“That Nico followed through on the order, but we are taking care of him.”

“And now we have to tell him we fucked up. Again.”

Astrid laced her fingers together and rested her chin on them. “No. We prepared best we could. He was searched as much as your friends could without invading his privacy. We were ready with counterspells. But fear is a powerful motivator. You know that.”

Caleb had rolled out of bed and overpowered one of Ikithon’s guards. An important one, given he had an amulet. And, of course, Essek had once dragged him from under a tower with his bare hands. People could stretch themselves past their usual limits if under enough duress. Trent had operated under that philosophy.

“Bren,” Astrid said, quiet but firm. “I know this is a lot, but I need you to hold it together.”

Caleb breathed, and steadied himself. “I can do that.”

“I know.” She reclined in her seat, casting around her copper wire. “Felix, do you mind if Bren and I pay you a visit? We have news.” She listened. “All right. Let’s go.”

They walked the familiar path to the dormitories. Caleb had been so proud to walk these halls once. Maybe he could be again, but it would never be the same.

They found Felix in his temporary room, seated at a wooden desk with his spellbook, glaring at the pages. He tore his eyes away as they entered, slamming it shut.

“How’s Nico?”

Astrid looked at Caleb for three seconds. “Felix, do you remember what Trent told you about Bren?”

“He said a lot of things,” Felix said warily.

“Nicolaus and I had similar responses to following Trent’s orders,” said Caleb. “We took him to my house to keep him away from the Assembly and let him rest overnight. This morning, my friend Caduceus restored him.”

“He fled, despite our best efforts,” said Astrid. “We have people out searching for him.”

Felix still had his hand on his textbook, slowly sliding downward as his grip slackened. “I don’t understand. What happened?”

“When Nicolaus killed his parents, he had a… break.” Caleb was not good at explaining this. “He was awake, but unresponsive. Caduceus had a spell to pull him out of it, but coming back from that is disorienting. Despite the steps we took to prepare, he hit us with a fireball and escaped while we recovered.” Gods, Nico was probably injured, and without a healer.

Felix burst from seat. “And? Did you go after him?”

“Yes, of course,” said Astrid. “We searched from the ground and the air. And we have leads, and people are still following them. I have mobilised the Volstrucker and Bren’s expositor friend has mobilised the Cobalt Soul. We are not easy people to find when we do not want to be found, but we will keep searching. Bren had an idea, if you would like to help.”

Felix looked at her like she had slapped him. “Of course I want to help!”

Caleb paid his agitation no mind. “We floated the idea of teaching you the Sending spell yesterday. We did not have time then, but we have it now. Then, you can talk to him.”

“Okay. Teach me.”

“Here? Or would you rather we bring you home first?”

Felix laughed, and it was more unhinged than Caleb would have liked. “Yeah, okay, take me back to the people I almost fucking murdered.”

Astrid crossed her arms, gazing sternly up at him. “Felix.”

“It’s all right, Astrid,” said Caleb. “This will take a few hours. Let’s make use of those Academy resources, ja?” Most dormitory rooms had a supply of paper and ink, enough to transcribe a few spells at a time. He found a stash in the desk and sat on the floor, laying it all out in front of him. He beckoned to Felix. “Shall we?”

Felix scrubbed at his eyes and sat down with Caleb, slamming his spellbook onto the wooden boards. Astrid retreated, with some excuse about keeping an eye out for the Martinet, and a promise she would get the kitchen staff to send them a snack.

Caleb had lost a lot of his confidence around people a long time ago, but he knew pain when he saw it. He knew a little something about pain.

And a little something about hurt wizards looking desperately for a distraction by throwing themselves into study.

[itsomgitsgreenblogging]

Little Ceremonies: A Critical Role Fanfic

So I have a lot of feelings about Beau, and she has feelings too that she needs to work through. Honestly this fic just came from my desire to shake this girl and force her to talk about her issues with SOMEONE, literally anyone would do.

Alright BeauYashter fans who love a dash of hurt/comfort/angst/pining, come get your juice. Enjoy!

Read on AO3

Preview:

Before Beau almost fucking died she realized she didn't know what TJ's favorite color was. 

They had gotten attacked by some asshole bandits, which wouldn’t have been too big a deal if they also hadn’t had some wolves with them too. One of them was buddy buddy with animals Beau guessed. Things were going rough anyways, and Beau almost wasn’t surprised when she was full-body slammed by an orc and smashed her head on something hard. Another hit and she was out. So long, farewell, no one home, lights completely off unconscious. It sort of sucked, but it wasn’t like it hadn’t happened before. This time felt different for some stupid reason having to do with her brother. 

It was a stupid fucking last thought before she went unconscious, but you can't help what springs to your mind in your last moments of consciousness. And that was it. She saw TJ's face in her mind as she came crashing down, as her vision wobbled and went grey at the edges like she was tripping balls again or it was being eaten in a haze of ash. She realized she didn't know TJ's favorite color. And then there was nothing for a long moment. It wasn't unlike falling asleep in the way that there was nothing. Most nights Beau was so exhausted that she didn’t have time for dreams. (The other times she dreamed of impossible things she could never admit but wanted so bad she wished she could break open her own skull to inspect and commit them to memory. But she wouldn’t admit those ever.)

And then, just as quickly, she was jolted away from the depths of her sleep. Divine light pierced the darkness that had settled quiet and peaceful over her like the waves from the ocean lapping at her toes. She saved me, Beau thought literally breathless, she-

"Beau!" Fjord gasped. Beau desperately tried not to give in to her disappointment. And then immediately she resisted the urge to slap herself because no, she shouldn’t be thinking it. It wasn’t any of those things and she shouldn’t be thinking that way. 

“Oh Beau!” Jester cried as she rushed over. Her hands were first-snow cold against Beau’s suddenly feverish skin as Fjord helped to settle Beau more firmly against Jester. “Oh I’m so sorry, I don’t have...I only have Healing Word prepared and…!” 

Beau felt another jolt of the divine spread through her at the brush of her fingers that fluttered like snowflakes. They felt good...Jester felt good. She was soft and even though she was washed with rain water and gore, somehow, her arms felt safe. Beau wanted to feel more. She wanted to sag against Jester, to melt into her arms and never leave-

“It’s okay,” Beau managed to croak, her ribs still didn’t feel great by any means. It was more like when Dairon had first knocked the shit out of her with her staff. But she was feeling far less...almost dead so it was a marked improvement at any rate. She could just file this away into the same place that she had put all her recent horrible traumatic encounters and everything would be fine. “Just...it’s alright, Jessie. I’m okay.”

“You’re not okay, you look like shit!” Jester said, sounding half angry and half breathlessly relieved. It just made everything hurt even more somehow, though Beau didn’t know how that was fucking possible because she felt like complete shit. 

“Sorry, I’m fresh out of healing,” Caduceus apologized, hauling a ghostly pale looking Caleb with both Yasha and Nott’s help. Caleb swayed in their arms, looking like a bloodless ghost that haunted the halls in a shitty novel that Jester might read them all. Beau hoped she didn’t look as bad as Caleb, though she didn’t have much hope. 

“I’ll be alright,” Beau promised, gritting her teeth and forcing her legs up. Pain was a constant bedfellow. Usually she liked pain, it helped her feel alive and grounded, but this was a pain that was ripping deeper within her at places that she was refusing to face. Not now, Beau ordered herself. You can fall apart later. Not now-!

“Beau no-”

“I’ve got it!” Beau snapped at Jester, desperate to get out of her grasp. She was crawling out of her fucking skin. Jester flinched, and Beau felt her blood curdling in her veins because why? Why had she done this? Why couldn’t she just be good to those she loved instead of ruining it every time? 

“Okay,” Jester said, quickly rearranging her face so that the hurt dwelled somewhere deep where Beau couldn’t see it any more. It made Beau want to grab something with her hands and rip it apart right there and then. 

“There should be the inn a mile or two away,” Fjord said, voice even and as always the steady captain in the storm as he referred to the map. Lining up the troops, focusing them on an achievable goal. Beau could have hugged him for this gentle understanding. 

“I can help you into the cart,” Yasha offered both Caleb and Beau, her eyes dark and drawn with worry. 

“Ja, please,” Caleb asked, as Yasha better arranged him on her arm with Veth’s help. Veth kept glancing at Beau and Beau wanted to scream at her to knock it off. It wouldn’t change anything, none of this would, and in fact it was only making it worse. But Beau had always considered herself to be the worst kind of coward, so instead of saying all of that she set her jaw.  

“I’m fine,” Beau said gruffly to everyone, no one, and herself, gripping her side. “I’ll be fine.” 

As they walked along, Beau could feel Veth’s gaze digging into her skin. She pointedly ignored it. 

“I’m sorry,” Fjord murmured to Beau as they walked. He reached an arm around her to steady her, and rubbed her shoulder comfortingly as he did. Beau half wanted to punch him, and half wanted to turn her head into his shoulder and cry. 

“Why are you sorry?” Beau snapped though it felt half-hearted. She had always had a hard time arguing with Fjord, and even as wounded and skittish as she was feeling she couldn’t muster real anger at him.  

“You know why,” Fjord said as he continued to look forward and help her without saying anything. 

Beau knew why, but it didn’t make it any easier. 

“Are you mad at me?” 

They had found the inn and with little ceremony they had separated out to their rooms for the night. It was the usual arrangement, but Beau felt anything but normal. 

She was thinking about TJ again, thinking about her feelings that were all over the place, thinking about the stupid pain in her side that refused to just dim enough for her to sleep. Eventually all of those things had curled together until any outside stimulus had her startled half out of her skin. 

Jester’s voice was quiet in the darkness of their room. It stabbed into Beau like that shitty dagger the bandit had stuck into her not so many hours prior. Beau was wide awake now, curled into her side. Her breath was drawn so tightly that she was afraid that something inside of her would snap. And maybe it should. Maybe things would be better if they did. Maybe she wouldn’t have to deal with Fjord’s quiet concern and Cad’s long looks, and the quick glancing gazes that Veth peppered against her skin like freezing rain. It was because everyone knew the secrets that Beau was so terrible at keeping...everyone except the girl who could miss that point but tell she wasn’t asleep from the irregularities of her breath in a dark room. It would be hilarious, if it wasn’t so fucking tragic. 

“ ‘m not mad,” Beau said, hoping her voice sounded sleepy and that was enough to discourage this conversation. Beau could hear Jester shifting again in the darkness, and new that hope was a dream to be dashed on the rocks with the coming tide. 

“If I did something wrong…” 

“You didn’t, Jessie,” Beau said, finally rolling over. She didn’t have her goggles on and so she could barely see in the darkness, but the lump she assumed was Jester moved in tandem with her. Beau had spent enough time gazing at her to know the curve of her horns...her artist’s hands...the freckles that dusted her skin and nose. Beau colored in the lines like she was a child, and didn’t need her sight to tell her what she would see. “I was just upset at having been stabbed. It hurt. And it was lame.” 

“It was a little lame,” Jester said, a half-hearted laugh in her throat, a pout forming on her mouth. 

“Not just a little,” Beau said, self-depreciation a comfortable skin to slip into. This was charted waters, this was safe with Jester. This is what she wanted, she told her errant heart. She wanted her heart and her friendship to be safe. If it was safe, there would be nothing precious to lose. Beau didn’t think she would be able to stand that. 

“A lot a bit then,” Jester corrected. “But I am sorry anyways I...I’ll try to be a better cleric I swear.” 

“You are already the greatest cleric,” Beau promised her. “After all, there aren’t many clerics who make their own gods.”

“The Traveler and I are cool like that,” Jester said and Beau could hear the smile on her voice. She could see it in her mind’s eyes, the way it drew across her face and just brightened her and everything around her. She was precious and sacred and Beau was none of those things. Not for me, a part of Beau cried with hot, childish tears. Not for me, never for me. Why would she ever want me? She is a vessel for a power greater than I can understand...why would she ever want someone who uses all their strength to simply not fall apart?

“Yeah, you guys are,” Beau said as she drew in her strength to sit up despite the way her muscles and bones protested. “I’m gonna go for a quick walk. I’ll be back.” 

“Do you want me to come with you?” Jester asked her, sitting up suddenly. 

“No,” Beau said, doing her best to smile for Jester. After all, only one of them could really see in the dark. “I’ll be back.” 

“Alright...if you are sure,” Jester said, not sound happy about this arrangement. Just that was enough to almost send Beau back, but she didn’t. She steeled herself and moved forward instead. Beau fumbled for the door, groping for the knob in the darkness. She opened it and was out in the dark, empty hall. She almost made it all the way down the hall when the pain in her side forced her to stop. She crumbled against the wall, her eyes burning with tears that she refused to shed. She smacked her hand against the wall as she slid down, the dull ache doing nothing to distract her from the pain in her chest. No one else was there...it was far too late for anyone to be wandering the halls anyways, and Beau had never been more grateful to anything in her whole life. 

Make me understand, her mother had once whispered to her. Why can you not just behave? It will be so much easier, was what her mother hadn't said but it had been written all over her face. 

Marry a nice boy from a good family, have your dalliances quietly on the side, shit out kids because that's your job and it has worked for a million women before you and it can work for you. Why can't you just accept the things that are settled in front of you for the way they are, was what her father had meant when he refused to look at Tori as Beau was hauled from that jail cell that night. 

Beau felt the urge to cry again. How much more orderly...how much smaller was she going to be forced to make her feelings? She simply couldn't force them into any more boxes to be labeled and filed away when they were pounding at her ribcage...bleeding out all over her like a fresh wound. It was bad enough that she had fallen in love for the first woman who hadn't cringed at her touch, but now this? Where was the fucking justice in this? She was supposed to be made of stronger stuff than this, but apparently all she had done was gilded her ribcage without accounting for the things within it.

“Beau?” Yasha’s voice was quiet and worried as she peaked out of the door of the room she was sharing with Fjord and Caduceus. Her dark hair swept out like a curtain as she did, and Beau wanted nothing more than to tuck it behind her ear. Was Yasha’s hair soft? And though those thoughts were surely not practical at this moment, she couldn’t stop herself from thinking them. “Beau...are you alright?” 

Beau startled in spite of herself. She was usually so much better than this, but that night she was scraped from the bottom of a barrel. Yasha was standing in the hallway. Her figure cut imposingly, but as soon as she saw there was no danger she almost shrunk into herself as she usually did. Her shoulders rolled in on themselves in an attempt to be smaller...less obvious, despite the fact that such a thing was impossible. Beau had the urge to gather Yasha up in her arms and...no. It was bad enough that her heart was bleeding out for Jester, she didn’t need anything else confusing her already blurry perspective. 

And you almost threw it all away, and you think you deserve anything? What a joke, a vicious part of her snapped, tearing at her already shredded insides like she had swallowed daggers. You may as well just walk back to that hag in the woods and offer all of your happiness. 

Why couldn’t this just be a problem she punched away? It would make everything so much easier, Beau thought beyond frustrated with herself. She had more important things to worry about. She had almost died and left them behind, but she was crying over this? Pathetic. 

“My shitty cracked ribs fucking hurt,” Beau said sniffing as she angrily swiped her hand beneath her nose. Yasha looked down the hall, before settling next to Beau on the floor. Yasha held out her hand timidly, like Beau would shy away at the touch. When Beau instead settled her hand in Yasha’s they were both surprised. Beau felt Yasha’s magic move through her, hum against her skin the way that the scent of a thunderstorm carried in the wind on a summer night. This time, the pain substantially subsided, and Beau found she could breathe in deep and even hold it without her breath stuttering in her throat. Unfortunately, her breath caught on her jagged-edged sadness and she let out a half-sob half-chuckle. 

“Beau?”

“I’m sorry, Yasha,” Beau murmured and she settled her head against her knees. “It’s my fault, not yours.”  

“Being hurt is never fun,” Yasha observed, her expression smooth and revealing nothing. 

“No, being hurt fucking sucks and I hate it,” Beau said, not willing to admit she was talking about more than just her stupid ribs. From the look on Yasha’s face, she understood what she meant intimately. 

And of course Yasha did. Yasha wore her pain like a mantle of wings that spread out from her shoulder blades and cut across the sky. And she was beautiful for it. She was beautiful for how she continued to rise up and survive with such grace and fortitude, while Beau clawed and screamed and brought everyone else down with her. Beau broke the precious things in her life, while Yasha did everything she could to save them. And Yasha would understand...Beau knew she would. And the desire to spill everything was building in her throat hot and fast again. But with those feelings came others, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to face any of them yet...not when Yasha’s eyes were the blue-violet of a twilight in the darkness. Their eyes met, and the moment was alive. 

“Are you tired?” Yasha asked softly. Her voice had always been quiet and hushed, almost like the sound of the wind through the grass. But now in the quiet and the dark the tones of her voice were resonating deep in the marrow of her bones. 

“Yeah...I think I’m just tired,” Beau admitted and just like that the moment was past. Tired of this. Tired of her traitorous heart that swung like a pendulum between her desires and didn’t settle. Tired of the fact her family could still hurt her even though she was done with them. Tired of this love that would only hurt her. Tired of knowing that she wouldn’t give her love up for anything regardless. Tired of herself. Tired of everything and nothing all at once and the fact that this just kept happening. She would have hoped that something would be different this time. 

“Rest then,” Yasha said, patting her own shoulder. “You can rest here, and I’ll keep you safe.”

You can’t, Beau wanted to say as she met Yasha’s knowing eyes. You shouldn’t. It’ll just hurt us all. There was a heart breaking there and Beau couldn’t understand it. Why? How could Yasha keep giving despite it all? Though maybe it shouldn’t be surprising, Yasha had always been able to carry her and Jester and everyone else.   

“Okay,” Beau said instead, leaning against Yasha gingerly. “Thank you, Yasha.”

“You are welcome Beau,” Yasha said quietly in return. 

And so Beau drifted off again, but this time, the darkness welcomed her warmly into its arms. 

[critterrole]

So plenty of people have compared the insular nature of VM to the extremely friendly nature of the M9 and I was thinking about how that happened, given their personalities at the start. Now it’s been a while since I’ve watched these episodes, but from what I recall...

Like I mean Caleb, originally he latched to the group so when (if? I forget, but I think it was when) he left, Nott would have other people. He also was pretty averse to the idea of them getting attention, so as not to keep it too big because big groups attract attention. 

Nott latched onto the group for protection, because she was a goblin in the Empire and everyone in said group seemed chill with it, but she had plenty of reason to distrust strangers and be reluctant to add anyone else.

Fjord was a person under nine layers of illusion and deception. Like he did bond together with Jester and Beau for practicality’s sake and he seemed fine adding more people to the group, but it’s not like he goes out of his way to talk to people he doesn’t already know. When you’re lying to everyone about who you are except for one person, it’s harder to grow close to people (or even want to)

Beau just struggled with people... so hard. Like she literally asked Fjord to help her how to people and be less of an asshole. Like Fjord she wasn’t opposed to adding more people to the group, but she definitely was not going out of her way to recruit people to the Nein.

Caduceus also falls into the category of “not actively recruiting people, but certainly fine with adding people as the group decides”. He’s just so... not quite introverted, but he’s not outgoing. He’s fine talking with people, but he does not seem to seek out company either.

Molly was pretty friendly, but I don’t know if he would have tried to pull in anyone else except for when it was useful. He’s the hardest one to remember since it’s been so long since his death. Also, because of his early death he would have had the least effect on the current party’s dynamic (at least in this respect) in making them so damn friendly.

Yasha stayed with the group both before and after Molly’s death because of him. She would have had no motivation to invite anyone else into the M9 and honestly for her, the fewer people the better.

But then there’s Jester. Jester was the first person to branch past her original group and talk to someone else (Nott and Caleb). Jester who grew up incredibly isolated and lonely and devoted to the Traveller and wanting to help him gain followers and wants to be friends with almost everyone she meets. Aggressively friendly Jester who also could insult the people she talked to like Beau (remember the money scene with Caleb?), but had an earnestness and naivety that made it much easier to overlook or forgive versus Beau’s abrasiveness. Even in captivity, she tried to sing and cheer up the other captives with her and Yasha and Fjord. It makes sense that given her past and personality that she of all the group would be the most drawn to bringing people in, developing relationships. 

She is the group’s designated Sending caster (but both Caleb and Caduceus have it at their disposal, and Fjord could have if he had wanted to [I forget if his patron is an Old One or not]), but it fits her personality so well that she of all people has a spell that allows her to speak to anyone she wants to (... within reason) and she will use this spell to sometimes speak to people and friends she cares about.

Obviously, peoples’ personalities have changed throughout the campaign and they have become much more likely to draw people in, but I firmly believe that it’s because of Jester that they are who they are, taking in the strays, the assholes that learned to have a heart, people just like them, and make them a part of the Mighty Nein family.

[idonthaveanyurlideas]

One Job

AKA: Jester caught wind that someone in the Nein has a crush on her and who better to help her figure out who it is than her detective partner Nott? Surely Nott isn’t secretly the only person who knows who it is. 

Read it on AO3 lmao

It had been a beautiful day. Calm, peaceful, exactly what Nott and the rest of the Mighty Nein needed after the chaotic weeks they’d had. They’d been on the Balleater for a few days now, heading out to where the peace talks between Dwendal and the Bright Queen would take place, and the break before that happened could not have been more welcome.

Nott had been enjoying it, about as much as she could enjoy being on a wooden death trap surrounded by water. It was peaceful, at least, and she could stay below the deck (but close enough to the surface that she could run if a leak appeared) and relax.

Then Jester quite literally kicked the door open.

“Nott holy fuck!” Jester was seemingly unperturbed by the ensuing screeching, closing the door gently behind her before running up to where Nott had been organising her vials. “Nott, you’ll never believe it!”

“Shit, Jester, you nearly gave me a heart attack-” Nott had a hand over her chest, breathing deeply. “Is someone dead?”

“What? No! Of course not.” Jester rolled her eyes like she was stupid, just because she’d nearly kicked the door off its hinges completely was no reason to think something bad had happened, jeez Nott. “But I found out something totally crazy.”

Nott narrowed her eyes, looking around and half expecting something to pop out. Jester had really been going crazy on the pranks lately in preparation for Travellercon, thinking up and testing out all sorts of jokes and surprises on them.

Nothing happened, so she looked back to Jester, who was bouncing on her toes. “What is it?”

Well-” Jester’s hands were in fists, held loosely in front of her like she was preparing to cheer. “I was talking to the Traveller and he told me that he’d heard that someone in the Nein actually has a crush on me~”

Nott froze, staring. “What?”

“Yeah, I know, right? And he said that he wasn’t sure exactly who it was but I think he might be lying and he just doesn’t want to tell me right away because it should be a surprise but he’s very observant you know, and he’s hanging out a lot so he’s seen stuff so he would totally know, right?” Jester spoke even faster than she usually did before suddenly hesitating. “Wait, are you the one with a crush on me?”

“Me?” Nott stammered, almost dropping the vials she was holding. “No! I mean, you’re very cute, and awesome, obviously, but I don’t- I don’t like you like that. I’m married!”

“Right! That’s what I thought!” Jester turned away, pacing in a small circle while Nott put her vials down before they broke or she had an actual heart attack and dropped them. “But then who is it?”

“I have no idea!” Nott smiled widely in the picture of over-exaggerated innocence, but luckily Jester wasn’t looking at her.

“We have to find out!”

“What?”

Jester spun around again to look at her, a smile splitting her face. “It’s a mystery!”

“What?”

“And who better to help me solve it than my detective partner!”

“W h a t?”

“It will be fun! We’ll figure it out together!” Jester continued, before gasping. “I’ll go get my things! Then we can devise a plan!”

She promptly darted out of the room, leaving Nott by herself again, but no longer relaxed. Oh god.

Jester knew, or at least thought she knew, that someone in the Nein had a crush on her. And she had asked the one person who knew who had a crush on her to help her figure it out.

Beau could not have been more clear that she didn't want anyone to know. Especially Jester herself. They were on a boat. There would be no escape from an angry monk.  

She didn’t even have her flask to deal with this.

She was doomed.

----------

“Okay!” Jester announced, holding a piece of paper listing all the other members of the Mighty Nein in her hands. “We have five options!”

Nott, feeling not unlike she did when the Nein were about to head into a terrible, dangerous dungeon, nodded mutely from the bed she was sitting on while Jester flounced about in front of her.

“We need to tackle this methodically, carefully.” She said, looking at the piece of paper. “I think we should start with Beau-”

“Beau? Why Beau?” Nott’s voice definitely did not crack, and when Jester looked at her, she definitely did not wince.

“Why not?” Jester tilted her head. “I mean, she’s my roommate and everything, we’ve basically spent the most time together.”

“Nah, I don’t think it’s her.” Nott folded her arms, closing her eyes. Perhaps that would make it easier to lie. “She doesn’t do romance.”

And if she found out what Nott was doing she’d lose her mind. Fifty percent chance she’d just throw herself overboard. Nott had seen Beau during the Zone of Truth in the Xhorhaus. She was hopeless. The other fifty percent was the chance that she’d throw Nott overboard instead. Maybe if she did, Nott could just run across the water all the way back home. Hmm. She filed that away as a last resort.

Jester deflated a little, frowning down at the list. “Then… who should we start with?”

“What about Fjord?” Nott suggested. “That would make sense, right?”

Maybe he’d also turn out to have a crush on Jester and Beau’s secret would stay safe.

“I guess…” The frown continued for a moment more before it was erased away, replaced by a confident smile. “Okay! Fjord first!”

She rubbed her hands together, the paper scrunched up. “Here’s what we’ll do! Nott, you’ll go up and ask Fjord if he has a crush on me, and then I’ll hide behind the door and overhear!”

“What?!” Nott’s voice was going to go hoarse from all the shrieking she was doing today. “Why me?”

“He won’t be totally honest if I do it!” Jester threw her hands up. “It wouldn’t be real.”

“And coercing a confession through me… is real?”

Jester looked at her for a moment, seeming to consider it.

“I mean, yeah?”

Nott really, really wished she had her flask.

----------

Fjord had been on the deck when Nott found him, Jester disguised as one of the sailors a few feet away pretending to be messing with ropes.

Nott had asked why Jester couldn’t disguise herself as Nott and ask everyone, but Jester had just mumbled a reason about not wanting to be distracted trying to act like Nott when she really wanted to be focused on figuring out who liked her.

Whatever. Nott had accepted her fate. This was going to kill her, the only question was who would end up doing it.

“Fjord?” She should have suggested someone else first. She didn’t know what the fuck she was supposed to say.

“Nott?” Fjord raised an eyebrow in her direction, looking out to the horizon. “What’s up?”

Resisting the temptation to look back where Jester was milling around and acting like she knew how the ship’s ropes worked, Nott took a deep breath. “Can’t I talk to one of my dear, dear friends?”

Well if he wasn’t suspicious before, he definitely was now.

“What do you want?”

“Okay, okay, look. Look.” She pressed her hands together. “This is serious shit. It’s about Jester.”

Some of the wariness slipped into concern, and Fjord turned to face her more properly. “What about her?”

There was a short silence, and Nott decided to toss up a quiet prayer to whatever fucking god might be listening. Except the Traveller, who had caused this mess in the first place. The Traveller could choke.

“Do you have a crush on her?”

Fjord stared at her. Nott stared back.

“What the fuck?”

“It’s a simple question!” Nott threw up her hands, voice a little louder than intended.

“Why are you asking me this? What’s going on?”

“I just wanted to know! Just say yes or no!”

“No? I don’t have a crush on Jester.” Fjord was looking at her like she’d sprouted another head, shaking his own and pinching the bridge of his nose.

Nott stiffened. “Wait, you don’t? Really?” Her hands dropped to her side. “Are you sure?”

He rolled her eyes. “Yes, I’m sure. I’ve had plenty of time to consider my feelings for Jester, and though I love her, it’s not romantically.”

“But…” But that meant they’d have to keep going. And eventually Jester would get to Beau’s name. “Are you really sure?”

“Why are you so concerned?” Fjord folded his arms. “It’s none of your business anyway.”

“Uh… no reason! Fuck you!” Nott scowled. “I haven’t had alcohol in a week!”

Fjord narrowed his eyes at her, before groaning. “If you’re going through withdrawal, you can go be pissy at literally anyone else.”

She flipped him off as she left, just for good measure, before immediately turning and running out of his view, where Jester met up with her.

“Well, I guess we can check Fjord off the list.” Jester sighed, pulling out her piece of paper.

“Are you disappointed?” Nott asked, wincing.

Jester didn’t answer for a moment, pursing her lips as she crossed Fjord’s name out. “No, that’s okay. I just don’t know who to do next.”

“What about Caleb?” Nott said. At least she knew how to talk to Caleb. And Caleb was great, maybe he’d have a crush on Jester and then it would all work out and Beau would remain unaware and Nott would remain alive and whole.

----------

“Heeeeyyyyy, Cay.” Nott pushed open the door to Caleb’s quarter’s, which he technically shared with Caduceus, who was thankfully not there.

Caleb was sitting on one of the cots with his spellbook out, writing in notes. He looked up when Nott entered, waving a loose hello before going back to his work.

Nott walked in, leaving the door ajar behind her and sidling up to Caleb’s cot. “Whatcha working on?”

“My dunamantic studies. I hope to have the spells Essek taught me perfected by the time we return to Xhorhas.” Caleb said.

“Ooh, very cool, very cool. You’re so smart. And handsome. And romantic. Hey, totally random segue, how do you feel about Jester?”

Caleb turned to look at her, utter confusion plain on his face. She just stared back, smiling placidly.

“Jester?”

“Yes, Jester. Unless there are any other random Jester’s I don’t know about.” She cracked a crooked grin, nudging Caleb’s ribs with her elbow and avoiding looking directly in his eyes. If she did, she’d lose it.

“I… I think Jester is very nice. She is a dear friend, and powerful ally.” Caleb finally said, speaking even more slowly and deliberately than he usually did.

“Okaaay, any other feelings? Any at all?” Nott pressed.

“She is very intelligent… and a valuable member of our team. I think we are all very lucky for knowing her.” Caleb straightened up a little, turning his body towards her. “Is everything alright?”

“Everything’s fine!” A part of her wanted Caleb to realise the truth. Maybe then Jester would give the whole idea up. Maybe if she blinked long enough Caleb would realise she was being coerced. “I just wanted to know how you felt about Jester! Maybe- maybe if there were any… romantic inclinations?”

“Romantic inclinations?” Caleb repeated, eyes widening a little, though his expression changed little beyond that. “No. I don’t feel anything romantically for Jester.”

“Not even a little?”

“No. I care for Jester very deeply, as I care for everyone in the Nein. But, ah, not romantically. Those kinds of feelings… they are rare for me.” The corner of his mouth quirked a little, and he leaned a little towards her. “Did you think I did?”

“Uh… yeah! Yeah, you know, ever since- ever since you two danced at Hupperdook, way back when, ha, I’ve just been… convinced.” Nott laughed awkwardly, and Caleb chuckled once.

“Oh, that is a long time ago.” He said. “No. That was just a dance. I hope you haven’t talked to Jester about this. I wouldn’t want to give her a false impression.”

“Course not.” Nott said, the words feeling a bit hollow. “I wouldn’t tell anyone about feelings like that.”

“Yes, I imagine it probably wouldn’t be the best way to find out.” Caleb mused, and it was all Nott could do to stop herself from pulling her own hair out. “Did you need anything else? I wouldn’t mind the company.”

Sliding off the cot, Nott tried to act natural. “Nah, I’m- really hungry, I’m gonna go find some food. Bye!”

“That was a bust too.” Jester scowled once they reconvened in a hallway far away from Caleb’s room.

“He did say lots of nice things about you, though.” Nott said.

“He did. But he doesn’t love me.” She crossed Caleb’s name out, tapping the pen to her chin at the three remaining. “Okay, now I think we should try Beau.”

“What? Nah, I don’t think so.” Nott said. Shit, shit, she needed to think of a good reason. “What about Yasha? We know she likes ladies!”

“So does Beau, though. And Yasha like, used to be married. I don’t know, that might feel weird.” Jester frowned. “Maybe we should leave Yasha.”

“You asked me if I had a crush on you and I’m married right now.” Nott said. “Besides, Yasha smacked your butt that one time while you were a mammoth! That’s totally romantic.”

“She did do that, didn’t she.” Jester considered, before finally grinning. “Okay, okay, let’s do Yasha.”

Nott nodded, hoping her relief wasn’t visible on her face. Safe, for a little while longer.

----------

It actually took a while to find Yasha. While looking, Nott had peered into the Captain’s Quarters and found Beau rummaging through Avantika’s old closet (which had already been thoroughly ransacked the last time they’d been on the Balleater) and promptly led Jester as far away to the other side of the ship as possible before she could realise Beau was there.

Luckily, Yasha was on the other side of the ship. In the cargo hold.

“Uh, Yash? What are you doing down here?” Nott asked.

“It’s quiet.” Yasha said, closing the book in her lap. “There are a lot more crew members now than there was last time, it feels very busy.”

“Oh, cool.” Nott sat down opposite Yasha. She was even more clueless as to how to broach this than she had been with Fjord. “So… how have you been?”

Yasha shifted a little, considering. She was like Caleb in that way, she always liked to take a moment to select her words. “Good, I suppose. I’m glad nothing has happened while we are on this boat yet.”

Nott nodded. “Yeah. That’s good.” They lapsed into a light silence.

Yasha eventually went back to reading her book, and Nott could feel herself starting to sweat.

On one hand, if this lasted forever, they’d never have the chance to ask Beau, and Nott would live to see tomorrow. On the other hand, she wasn’t sure if Jester had enough patience for that.

“Ladies, amiright?” Was what her stupid, panicked, possibly actually going through withdrawal brain finally came up with, and when Yasha’s eyes snapped up to look at her she thought she might actually splinter into a hundred pieces.

Literally what?

“Uh…” Yasha’s voice trailed off. “Right?” Another silence. “Is… is there something you want to tell me?”

Nott felt the blood rush to her cheeks, her fingers digging into her palms and her voice cracking as she rushed to explain herself. “No! I mean- not like that! I know you like ladies but I don’t, I was just- uh- you like girls, don’t you?”

“Yes?” Yasha’s eyebrows knitted together, and she gently closed the book, placing it aside. “I am… confused.”

“So-” She chuckled breathlessly. “What about Jester? She’s pretty cute, right? The kind of girl you’d be looking at?”

“Jester is very cute, yes.” Yasha relaxed a little. “She is wonderful.”

“So… you’re attracted to her? Like a crush?”

“I wouldn’t say that, I don’t think.” Yasha shrugged lightly, before eyeing her. “Are you attracted to her?”

“What? No! She’s one of my best friends!” Nott said, and a ghost of a smile crossed Yasha’s face. “I’m not!”

“I believe you. I’m not either.”

“Yeah, we’re just a couple of gals who aren’t attracted to Jester, right?”

“Right.” Yasha was still looking at her, slightly amused but mostly confused, probably wondering if there was something else going on here.

“Right.” Nott repeated.

“Right.”

Silence.

A very, very long silence.

“Can I have my flask back?”

“No.”

“Well, great talking to you! Bye Yasha!”

She walked very casually out of the cargo hold. Which in reality meant she could not have looked more awkward, painfully aware of Yasha’s eyes following her every move until she was out of sight.

“Another no?” Jester was already crossing off Yasha’s name.

“Another no.” Nott said, grimacing. “Onto Caduceus?”

“I don’t really think it’s Caduceus.” Jester said.

“Come on, you should give it a shot. Would your best detective friend lead you wrong?” Nott smiled, though honestly if Jester pushed going for Beau she wasn’t sure how much she’d be able to resist. Caduceus would say no and they’d have to do it anyway.

Maybe she could just accept the inevitable. Tell Jester now and hide somewhere Beau would never find her even if she tore apart the entire boat.

No. She’d kept the secret until now. She could keep going. She had to. At least then Beau wouldn’t be able to say she hadn’t tried.

----------

She found Caduceus in the kitchen, which he had effectively monopolised since they’d gotten onto the boat. Apparently whatever system the crew members used was totally inefficient, and he was still reorganising it to his comfort.

“Caddyshack, what’s up?” Nott slid into the kitchen, leaning against a barrel.

“Hello, Nott.” Caduceus said mildly. “Do you need something?”

“You grew up pretty isolated, right?”

“I suppose so.” Caduceus shrugged, looking at her curiously. “Why do you ask?”

“I’m just wondering… how were you and your siblings going to ever… find partners in life? If you lived in the cemetery your whole lives?” She was honestly not even trying to seem natural anymore, and she could feel Caduceus’ eyes peering through her, staring into her soul. Hopefully he could see how totally exhausted she was and go easy on her.

“We were not bound to the cemetery, we could leave if we wished.” Caduceus’ face didn’t change, as if he hadn’t noticed anything amiss at all.

“Would you have ever left? If we had never come by, would you have gone out to find a wife? Or husband, or whatever?”

“I suppose I might’ve, eventually. That’s never been a particularly big concern for me.”

“So… you don’t think any of us would be suitable partners? Like me… or Jester…”

Caduceus’ eyes flickered to her again, holding for a moment before shifting around the room. “If Jester wants to know whether I have romantic feelings for her she could just ask me herself, you know.”

“Whaaaaaat-”

“Shit-” There was a muffled thud and then the kitchen door swung open, Jester stumbling inside from where she had evidently been leaning against it to listen in. “Caduceussssss, did you know I was there the whole time?”

“No. I just guessed based on when I overheard the two of you plotting to figure out who had a crush on you while you walked by her an hour ago.” Caduceus’ face remained perfectly neutral, but after a moment he started to smile. “I don’t, by the way. But I’m flattered.”

Jester groaned, and Nott looked between the two of them.

“There are easier ways to go about it, you know.” Caduceus said. “Like asking us.”

Jester stood up, hanging her head and suddenly looking very embarrassed. “Yeah, but…”

“You didn’t have a problem using Zone of Truth for it back in Xhorhas.” Caduceus pointed out.

“That’s different! There it’s like, kind of a joke, you know?” Jester defended herself, wringing her hands together. “And I didn’t think anyone actually had a crush on me.”

“And how has this gone?”

There was a short silence, and Jester’s face fell. “Terrible. Now I just feel bad. I shouldn’t have tried to figure it out, this isn’t romantic at all .”

“Can I ask what you were going to do if one of us admitted to having romantic feelings for you?” Caduceus asked. “Or were you hoping for someone in particular to say yes.”

Jester looked at him, biting her lip. Realisation slowly dawned, and Nott’s mouth dropped open.

“Jester… do you have a crush on one of us?” She asked. “Wait, it’s not still Fjord, is it?”

“No!” Jester groaned, burying her face in her hands. “Not anymore! That was different, this is- I don’t know what!”

“Did you want to find out if your crush liked you back?” Nott asked, and Jester froze up for a moment before nodding, her face still hidden from view.

Nott’s brain practically melted, trying to figure out which of the Nein it was. It wasn’t her, since Jester had enlisted her help in the first place. But she hadn’t had a particularly upset reaction to any of the others saying they didn’t have feelings for her.

Which left only one they hadn’t asked yet.

“It’s Beau?” Her voice nearly squeaked when she asked it.

Jester nodded again.

Nott stared.

The feelings had been mutual the entire time? SERIOUSLY?

She could’ve AVOIDED this entire anxiety-inducing MESS?

The universe truly was a cruel mistress.

“You have to tell her!” She practically screeched, and Jester’s head jerked up.

“What? No, no, I can’t! This was a stupid idea, I never should’ve done it!”

“No, you should! Shoot your shot, you know? Take a risk! A chance!” Put an end to her misery!

“I don’t think it could hurt.” Caduceus added, not quite as encouraging and confident as Nott would have hoped but better than nothing.

“You can do it! We’ve gone through everyone else on the list, haven’t we? If you stop now, you’ll just drive yourself crazy thinking about it!”

Jester paused, considering that. “You’re probably right about that… but I can’t just force it, can I? It should be… it should be romantic.”

“I first kissed my husband on a dare.” Nott said, scoffing lightly. “Anything can be romantic if you love the other person.”

“You think so?” Jester perked up a little, and Nott nodded, frantic to keep this going.

“Of course! It’ll be great! Beau was in the Captain’s Quarters last I saw her, there’s that awesome balcony and everything, super secluded, super romantic.”

“Yeah… yeah! I can do it!”

“I believe in you, Jester! Knock her off her feet! Blow her socks off! Maybe punch her, she probably finds that hot!” Nott began pushing Jester towards the door, wishing her good luck as she found her excitement, going from hesitant steps to confident strides.

When she was gone, Nott slammed the kitchen door shut, leaning up against it and sliding to the ground. “Holy shit I thought I was gonna lose it.”

Now Caduceus looked truly amused. “You think this will end well?”

“It fucking better, I’ve been trying not to tell Jester Beau loves her all day!” Nott exclaimed.

A split second later Caduceus’ eyes widened, and Nott realised her mistake.

“fuck.”

“If Beau finds out you convinced Jester to confess, I’m sure she’ll find it in her heart to forgive you.”

[plounce]

Essek and caleb for the ask meme!

ESSEK:

Sexuality Headcanon: gay. gay boy

Gender Headcanon: he’s an androgynous bishie prettyboy

A ship I have with said character: shadowgast!

A BROTP I have with said character: i think everyone alive should talk to beau and caduceus more.

A NOTP I have with said character: god are there even any other essek ships beside shadowgast..... [checks ao3] i literally don’t think so. so i guess just a blanket “evil or lesbophobic shit”

A random headcanon: i love the hc where the floating is a mobility aid... i truly do. also i think essek has a pet that lives at his house and lazes around that he dotes on. like how supervillains will have a fluffy persian cat named mipsy. i think he buys it expensive fancy food and designer collars.

General Opinion over said character: whenever nott is like “oh he’s a war criminal” i say SHUT UP RACIST HOMOPHOBE. HE’S DONE NOTHING WRONG. whenever beau is like “he is a war criminal” i say SHE IS RIGHT! TIME FOR YOUR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ESSEK CHOP CHOP

CALEB:

Sexuality Headcanon: back in early 2018 when i picked up the show at like ep 20 he was put in the same gay category in my head as a certain teacher werewolf from a book series that i read when i was a child that we need to leave in the past. i was like “oh he’s gay.” but now it’s 2020 and i just had to watch liam be a complete idiot by putting “she” by dodie on the caleb playlist to refer to 33yo caleb’s attraction to a 20yo jester so [sighs deeply] bisexual man

Gender Headcanon: tran sman.

A ship I have with said character: i wish widomauk still mattered i was so into that i had such great times... whenever i remember “the only thing magical in here is you” i still kind of lose my shit a little. but if i am being a modern up-to-date person i simply hope shadowgast gets thrown more crumbs because it is inchresting and gay

A BROTP I have with said character: EMPIRE SIBLINGS!!!!!! EMPIRE SIBLINGSSSSS they’re such incredibly good foils to each other i love them. caleb and beaus interactions are usually the best caleb scenes recently

A NOTP I have with said character: [SIGHS DEEPLY] well i hate wdjst so god damn much because he’s at least 10 years older than her and it’s such a manic tiefling dream girl dynamic and i am a heterophobe. jester deserves so much better. i also cannot stand caleb/nott because she’s just such an awful person - remember when she referred to caleb as her son? lmao. more recently remember when she asked caleb to maybe burn her alive and tried to emotionally manipulate him into agreeing? what the fuck? also why the fuck is she constantly trying to cheat on her husband? on a much pettier note: w/f is so boring to me they are literally just two men. there is no spark or interest for me between them, they have the most boring dynamic except for occasionally getting each other to act like Even Worse Men. as a lesbian there is zero appeal.

A random headcanon: autistic! frumpkin is always conjured with simply the softest fur because the texture is very important and very soothing to him.

General Opinion over said character: caleb is at his best when he’s being a crazy cat lady over frumpkin or talking to beau. i remember liking him just fine at the beginning of the campaign but his constant straight activity is so offputting to me, it’s really soured me on him so much. stop being creepy about jester and go awkwardly give your cat to people.

[c-is-for-circinate]

The thing that gets me more than anything, about Nott’s speech about her alcoholism to Caleb at the end of the episode there, is the way she equates alcohol with a shield.  With something that makes her safer.

On one level it’s a weird thing to say, because the alcohol very definitely does NOT make Nott safer.  It doesn’t make anyone safer.  That the position she’s in, at the front of the group in the way of traps and whatever may be around any corner, is terrifying--that makes total sense, of course it does.  But it’s very much a position where quick reflexes and quick thinking matters.  Those rolls at disadvantage put Nott in a very real position of increased danger when she’s drunk--and the way Sam’s RP gets riskier and more careless with Nott’s decision-making even before she hits the disadvantage point just compounds it.

What the alcohol does for Nott is make her feel safer.  The screaming alarm bells in her brain blur a little, along with her caution and her judgment.  And that does matter, the irony and contradiction of alcohol as Nott’s self-destructive coping mechanism--killing her judgment isn’t a bug, it’s literally a feature, because if Nott’s caution and judgment were functioning properly she’s quite sure she’d be too scared to act at all.  She’d cut her lifeline rope on a bridge over an abyss to flee and leave the whole group behind.  Nott’s judgment is forfeit either way, either swamped by terror or drowned in booze, and usually washed away in a combination of both, so (she figures) she might as well pick the option that feels less awful.

And that’s a complicated choice all on its own, and a whole conversation about self-destructive coping mechanisms that we stick to because we do, in fact, still need to cope no matter how much the tool that allows us to do so hurts in other ways, but I want to add an additional layer of complexity and talk about how Nott’s framing that choice in her own head.  Because in this conversation with Caleb, Nott doesn’t talk about alcohol as a tool for managing her own brain so she can fight herself to act as the party’s shield.  She talks about it as her shield, a thing that really, actually, makes her personally safer.

Nott doesn’t draw a lot of lines between objective and subjective reality.  In Nott’s head, because she feels safer when she’s drunk, that means she is safer.  It’s particularly interesting because this isn’t just an in-the-moment emotional reaction; sitting there with Caleb, totally sober and days after the last time her life was at risk, Nott still firmly believes that alcohol protects her.   The whole tendency of conflating emotion with objective truth shows up a lot, with Nott, it’s just we usually see it as a more ambiguous sort of judginess, where there are at least some (possibly debatable) facts to back up Nott’s assertion that one thing or person is Bad and another is good.

Nott considers her emotions to be an accurate reflection of the world as it is.  And the thing is, being emotionally-driven isn’t wrong.  Feelings are real, and do matter!  If a person makes you feel awful, if a situation makes you feel terrified--those emotions exist, and they have a real, objective impact whether you agree to let them or not.  There’s a good chance that a person or an emotion that triggers terrible feelings in you is Not Great.  Emotions are kind of the manifestation of a fallible brain’s attempt to use subconscious and instinctive logic--making personal judgments that way definitely leads to bias and has some drawbacks as a system, but it’s not inherently any worse than making decisions entirely based on a fallible brain’s attempt to use conscious and intentional logic, or based on law and tradition, or based on someone else’s judgment because you don’t trust your own.

But right, when judgment and opinion don’t match up with objective, measurable reality, there’s a problem, no matter what the judgment is based on.  (Hell, I’ve been writing bits and things all week about Caduceus’s faith and tradition-based certainty and the cracks where it’s starting to meet the real world and not quite fit.)  Nott being an emotion-based individual isn’t new, I’m just very struck right now, as I was after the bridge over the gibbering mouther, by just how blinded she is by those emotions sometimes.

It’s such an interesting character contrast to Fjord, who spent his whole life taught that his feelings don’t matter; to Jester, who doesn’t think she’s allowed to let her bad feelings show when other people’s must be worse; to Beau, who doesn’t trust her own feelings and judgment and is only now slowly learning to even recognize them at all.  It’s such an interesting contrast to Caleb, who is used to feeling awful all the time, in much the same way that Nott is used to feeling terrified all the time--except where Nott fights to avoid that feeling as much as possible, Caleb considers it exactly what he deserves, and has built the complicated scaffolding of a logic-based judgment system that pretends not to rely on emotion to tell him what to do.  Everyone in the party has flaws and blind spots in their system of judgment.  Everyone in the party pretends that their emotions Aren’t Real and Can’t Affect Them.  Nott’s just a ninety-degree turn askew from everyone else.  She’s not being incorrectly biased by her feelings, because her feelings only tell her things that are Objectively True to begin with, end of story, case closed.

I’m so curious to watch as Nott’s emotional landscape continues to paint a totally different picture of the world around her than everyone else sees.  I want to see what else she gets wrong.  I want to see what else she gets right, because she does get so many things right, or at least as right as anybody can.  I want to see Nott forced to admit that feeling something doesn’t make it true.

[yfere]

Shipping Calculus! Live Updates from C2E62

Downtime (n): a word which here means “bust a drug ring and spy on war meetings,” with some home improvement on the side.

*wheezes* Anyway, we do math no matter how stressed we are, yes? A mathematician must never be daunted by mere….madness. Masterpost here.

+23 to Fjord/Jester Outside experts were necessary for this. On the one hand, Shipping Calculus Law states that you lose points for facilitating a relationship to another person….but if you do that while also clearly getting “heart eyes” for the whole affair? Those rules no longer apply. We have, here, Fjord’s Over The Top “I Am So Cool Pls Notice” at Jester referencing his bravery at rooming next to her, and mutual, uh, attempts to comfort that are Deflected By This Deflecting Pair! You Would Earn More Points For Not Deflecting! Oh no, Jester, are you worried about your mom I’m sure she’s oka—NAH, FJORD, HOW ARE YOU. Are you feeling uncomfortable latel—NAH, I’M FINE I’M HAVING ZERO ISSUES WITH THE WATER EXCEPT THAT IT’S IN MY EARS AND I CAN’T HEAR YOU. Lots and lots of banter, and Jester asking Fjord about whether this is his first home, and offering him a mural because she’s a sweetheart. Point loss because Fjord did not accept the mural invitation which makes Jester, deprived of this gesture of affection from her artistic soul, very sad. Also, Jester’s hair was gross and that’s a tragedy for all Jester ships this week.

+8 to Beau/Jester Speaking of gross hair. These two—still roomates! Beau looking for the Best Room, as always! And for some reason, they very much don’t mind in each other all the things that would make them awful roomates to everyone else? Jester happily deals with Beau’s horrific snoring (if they ever have to split, Beau and Cads need to room as the resident snorers), and Beau handles Jester’s Hair Fiasco with nary a complaint, only a surreptitious request for some incense from Caduceus. That’s love. Point loss for Beau complaining about Nugget’s drooling—you need to love pets to love Jester, and that is law

-30 to Jester/Pets. But pets….they may not love Jester. My darling….forcing your beaten and world weary weasel (a ground dweller) into a tree dwelling against its will, forgetting your weasel’s name….I mean, you would think that someone would have sat you down by now to talk about consent (and that you never call someone you love by another name).

+20 to Beau/Gaydar And she foooooooooooools Caleb into thinking it’s a faulty Straightdar that has her saying he and Nott have tension. Don’t worry, Caleb, Beau understands you a little too well. And as we all know, ejecting a man from your room is a Special Lesbian Power bequeathed from the gods.

+2 to Caleb/Fjord/Jester because Frumpkin also got to hang out and gape at Fjord’s tremendously awkward honeypot display at the apothecary. Those three made a stellar Team A to the two-team investigation, with Jester and Fjord distracting like champs while Frumpkin learned of the invisible guard! Also, +2 to Frumpkin/Detective Work!

+18 to Jester/Yasha for Jester’s incredibly thoughtful and sweet wildflower mural for Yasha, and Yasha’s equally sweet surprise and thankfulness. A perfect combination of the ancient and venerable practices of  Seduction Through Art and Seduction Through Flower Arrangements—Jester is on top of her game. Point loss for sticking even a lovingly drawn dick anywhere in Yasha’s vicinity, that should be illegal

+2 to Beau/Yasha for partnering up to go to the library, yeah! A training pit, which is Ripe for Physical Contact Opportunities! Yasha being inspired by Beau’s bracers to get a set of her own, and you know how wlw love sharing clothing? I’m just saying.

+15 to Caleb/Caduceus A bit of an understated week, in the absence of Intense Conversation, but with a lot going on. Beginning, of course, with Caduceus making Caleb’s Special Gift the Literal Symbol of him “putting down roots” and spending a full week making it the centerpiece of the Xhorhaus and such an ostentatious landmark no one in the city will ever forget it. Caleb helps out with construction of the garden using cat-shaped spellwork,  and also invites everyone he meets to Come To the Krynn’s First Treehouse the man is proud. Frumpkin, too, climbing the tree, and it’s only a matter of time before Caleb does the same. Speaking of, Caleb once more pulling the “O, Large and Attractive Man, Please Shield Me From the Haters” card in a Cramped Alley, which Caduceus himself sort of initiated by aggressively campaigning for Frumpkin Spying. Nott gets +5 to Cockblocking for pulling Caduceus away to Detect Magic. Caduceus making windchimes to help make feel Caleb safe—though Caleb is sadly dismissive at the time No point gain for Caduceus’ very sweet and genuine and incredibly unsuccessful attempt to prevent the wizard from choking to death on his grand plans. Point loss for Caleb preferring to use residuum to craft a protective ring, possibly over trying to fix the sword that Caduceus is fixated on. Can Caleb’s Sword make him forget about it?

+30 to the M9/Winning the Local Dick Measuring Contest. You take a tower, you add a 60 foot tree as an elaborate penis metaphor, spread your seed all over the rooftop garden, and put permanent daylight in a region that is permanently dark and worships the Light. All right. Okay.

+20 to Caleb/Essik oh gods, and now we have evidence that a cleaned up fashionable Caleb is perhaps also a little bit catnip for the NPCs. Caleb’s silver tongue and flirtatious finger-wiggling with his special Cat Spell? Bowing and opening the door with magic like A Flirt? The favor exchange convo which is how Every Male Character Woos Caleb Apparently? Essik, for his part, giving up his schedule for the moment, strutting his stuff with his fancy spellbook and chuckling and asking for Caleb’s permission and no one else’s to enter the home???? These boys move faaaaast. We’ll see how this develops with time. Also, between the spellwork Giving Caleb Game and Frumpkin detectiving, +50 to Caleb/Cat-Shaped Creatures, +30 to Caleb/Plot Relevant Magic Gott-damn

+35 to Fjord/Caleb So here in Shipping Calculus, Intense Conversations earn lots of points and uh, there was so much steam from this one it got sound effects. Clasping of hands, promises, declarations, in a callback to Every Major Widofjord Moment Ever. Not to mention, the ambushing-in-the-room maneuver straight (?) out of a romance novel. Caleb taking a gentle pry bar to the locked door of Fjord’s past and insecurities, as all Fjord shippers ultimately hope to see revealed on screen. The mention of Mighty Nein being family? Admiration and resentment? We can remake ourselves into something better? Admitting to worrying about everyone? Saying Caleb is not crazy (but he may be, crazy for someone?) Point loss for Fjord not…..getting the caring thing up until the end, probably. Oh dear. Oh my.

+55 to The Cast/Ashley Johnson. Yasha never fucking says anything, but Sam and Liam both love Ashley. Laura wants everyone to fuck off except Ashley, she’s an angel and we’re glad she’s here.

-100 to Caleb/Astrid/Eodwulf as Caleb says at one point Astrid was “The One” for him. But Caleb. Why could it not have been “The Two?” Throw me us a bone here.

+1000 to Nott/Yeza KISS! THEY KISS! And Nott goes on about not needing to kiss for some things. Spending time in the hot tub together, and in the Lab together (thanks, Caleb!) and being Dangerous Together. Yeza offering to be a house husband and clean up the place while they adventure! Nott being too protective of Yeza to send him without protection to the Coast or the Empire!

+14 to Caleb/Jester as Caleb aims the full force of his Worrywart self at Jester’s direction over the Astrid letter—all Jester ships gain points for distress over Marion Lavorre, as it should be. Jester alongside Nott immediately and frantically insisting that nothing letter-related is Caleb’s fault at all, but hey it’s not Jester’s fault either, it was Nott who told her what to write and she didn’t know anyyything. The suggestion for “The Salty Sea” that Jester and Caleb (and Fjord, hello +1 to Caleb/Fjord/Jester) are tied up with becoming the unlocking mechanism for a secret entrance to Caleb’s library. Jester unfortunately funnels many points into +20 to Jester/Foot in Mouth as she makes sad Astrid conversation but more importantly the horrific “you’ll always be an assassin to me” flirt. Jester. Jester no. Jester you know how he feels about his past right. Jester?

+3 to Beau/Hosting which was great until the cocktail racism, damn that’s a lot of point loss

+70 to Nott the Best Detective Agency/Detective Work as they uncover evidence of a SUUDE OPERATION and listen in on KING DWENDAL’S WAR PLANS. Interpretation of evidence once more provided by partner Beau and Lab Guy Caleb, who between their history and arcana checks and shady histories shed light on the puzzle before them.

-15 to Fjord/Charming the Neighbors. Caduceus is unfortunately too busy with home renovations to be his sweet Lets Bake For The Neighbors self, so Fjord ventures outside and proves why there need to be three high CHA people in this party. Because while Fjord can swing a honeypot in a crisis and intimidate like no one’s business, his inclination to dress people down and match insult for insult makes things go pretty sour with Bylan pretty quickly. The obvious solution, considering Fjord’s skill set, is to redress the issue by undressing the man.

+100000000000000000000000000000000000 to CR/Naming It The Xhorhaus because it got a SONG!!!!!!!!!

[broughtflowers]

salty about literally everyone (except sometimes jester’s) ability to talk to caduceus or even listen when he speaks and says something or even consider that he’s there do not rb