#talking about doomed!mattdrai with one of my moots brought back memories

[v8mpvrse]

just when u think you’ve healed and moved on something happens.

thank u halsey for releasing music reminding me im very much NOT over The Situation!!! ty!!!! appreciate it!!!

(cobwebs crowd our old chat as i click on it excited to talk about it bc she’s ur favorite artist but then oh. right. that’s not a thing anymore. our old messages that haunt me. that i can’t bring myself to delete even if i never click on it bc what if. what if one day u text me again. what if one day i text u back. what if one day u ask why i left in the middle of the night. you’re still everywhere i look. six months later. i can’t listen to her albums without feel sick to my stomach bc. ashleys ur favorite. she means sm to u. bc i’ve fallen in love with her art BC of u. sm of who i am now are pieces of u that are like shards of glass imbedded in my skin. i bleed u. and it’s so ironic it’s halsey bc the last straw was u using our song for someone else. and it was from ur favorite album of hers. ironic that now i’m biting my cheek, hoping the taste of copper and the pain can get me out of the pain loop. but it wont. it never does. no matter how much i pretend im angry about it. at u. as if its not more hurtful than anything. i’ll blame u. and maybe it’s wrong. maybe i played a hand in the destruction of us. maybe i should’ve known. i did. that’s the worst part. i knew it was a bad idea but god. u made me feel seen and loved and fuck. fuck. fuck u. fuck. you. and fuck me for knowing damn well id do it all again. knowing how it would end. i would. i would maybe say more i love you’s than normal. try to facetime more. memorize ur face. memorize ur voice. i’ll end up in my bed crying about it, hating myself bc im the ppl i used to make fun of. crying over a relationship that was never a relationship? pathetic. pathetic the way i loved and still love u.)

(i still haven’t listened to the new song. and i don’t think i can ever listen to her without my heart hurting bc i’ll be thinking of u.)