#take a shot every time jack says there's a lot of golf left he's got words of affirmation for every occasion I'm obsessed

[thatsnotbuddies]

sandbagger 19 but just the jack and hanny bits

[smutty-ki113r]

🌐Discord🌐||

Comfort one-shot reader x creepy pastas (Slenderman, Jeff, Toby, E.J, BEN, Sally, Masky, Hoodie, Jane and L.J.)

Inspired by: The living tombstone

You woke to excessive yelling, turning over and pushing the pillow over your face groaning. The voice got louder and you felt a pair of hands shake you awake, throwing the pillow at them you found that it was Toby. He let out an abrupt gasp and continued to jump around the hotel room. You understood why he was so excited, it was the first day of your trip to Disney world after all.

I know it seems unconventional but you had managed to convince slender to let you guys go. Obviously it was on Halloween weekend, the only time they could go into the parks without being questioned for their looks. That day you would all be going to Epcot.

Masky was probably the most excited about that park even though he had an expressionless face on the ride there. He had been so against going, at least it seemed like it. But you saw him putting ciggarates in a fanny pack when getting ready to leave.

Smiling fondly at the memory you got up and dressed. After breakfast you all drove to the park, seeing the Halloween decorations in orange and black with the shapes of Mickey Mouse. You groaned at the bickering going on in the third row of seats with Jeff and E.J, who was trying to convince Jeff to leave his knife in the car.

“They’ll stop you at security” you called back to him.

“I can hide it” he protested.

“Jeff they have literal metal detectors” E.J rebutted.

“What if I put it in my pants” he said smartly.

“NO” you yelled. After a death glare and a small tug of war between him and E.J he left it. He walked at the back of the group, slumping with his hands in his hoodie pocket. At the entrance the whole crowd was met with “oohs” and compliments about your “costumes”.

There was so much to do, but Hoodie (secretly Masky too) and BEN wanted to go to Spaceship earth. They were all so amazed on how there was a ride inside of the Epcot ball.

“It’s an XXL golf ball” BEN kept saying, convinced that there was nothing inside. There wasn’t much wait but since you were all a big crowd it took a bit to get in. Slender had the hardest time getting in the cart, he had to crouch excessively to fit. You rode with BEN, who was really excited at first because he thought there was going to be a drop but it turned out bore him. He thought it was going too slow, and so he had the bright idea to tamper with the manuals. “Time to spice things up” he said rubbing his hands maliciously. At one point all the carts started spinning, he lifted his hands and “wheeed”. You could hear Sally yelling from the back with Slender holding her in the seat since there was no restraints. At the end he scolded Ben, rushing him out of there as the cast members apologized for the inexplicable inconvenience.

He came out of there with a proud grin, cackling as he pointed out the dumbfounded face E.J made in the picture and the one with Jeff with his tongue out. The smiling killer joined him, watching Toby spin from the dizziness- it was pretty funny though.

Slender admired the late October scenery until Sally pulled him into a stand and graced him with a Mickey Mouse hat. Jeff was yet another unfortunate victim of Sally’s plan, wearing the mickey ears that had a pastel veil. BEN was throwing fits of giggles at this, but you knew Jeff was fucking insecure so you put on ears along with Sally.

The first country you stopped at was Mexico, where you went inside the pyramid. Jeff traded his ears for a big Mexican hat, Ben too. They played with the maracas while Toby, Sally and Hoodie went into the glass shop. It was a recipe for disaster, but you followed regardless. Sally tried on every. Single. Princess crown while Toby looked at the glass pieces a bit too closely. He started ticking while holding one, even though the sign said not to touch them. It flew across the store and collided with a whole other shelf, all of them broke and he started apologizing furiously as Slender messed the employees’ mind to make him forget about the accident.

He had to pull Toby out of the store and drag him to the boat ride, you patted him on the back daringly as he had the guiltiest look. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea for slender to go on the boat ride, he was far too tall and had to bend his knees to look like a grasshopper while Sally smiled and sung along with the cartoon characters. When you got off you could hear Slender mumbling something about his back.

Norway didn’t have much to do but Sally begged to go on the Elsa ride, Hoodie accompanied her happily. Toby as well, but he was really enthusiastic about the songs- he knew all of them. Him and Sally harmonized during the chorus for “let it go”. Since there were a shit ton of little kids there L.J was about to combust. Surprisingly he stayed super silent with occasional grumbles, making mental notes for when he got out of the park. He had to ditch the group to shop for Candy, which he found in China.

Jane was absolutely fascinated with the Zodiac garden there, watching the beautiful plants in the morning sun. Masky tried to relax by watching the show inside the pavillion but Toby caught up to him. He really couldn’t sit still and Masky had to scold him for sitting on the rail he wasn’t supposed to sit on. After, you found E.J playing with Sally with the marionettes and BEN with a cup of Boba. He seemed to be enjoying it- a lot. It was the funniest thing to watch him suck up all the tapioca stuck in the ice, his cheeks got super red and you couldn’t help but let out a laugh.

Jeff was gladly giving Toby his Mickey Mouse ears. In the afternoon you moved to Italy, where L.J was getting complimented for his “stilts”. There wasn’t much to do in Germany or America so you guys went to Japan. Laughing Jack was a lost cause, going straight for the candy while Jeff was mesmerized by the samurai swords. He was looking around to see if he could steal one, but how in the world would he hide that- definitely not in his pants. You caught on quick.

“Just ONE” he pleaded with you as you pulled him away from the glass. “Don’t do this to meeee” he screeched at you like a starved man asking for food.

Trying to throw hands and hit you while you grasped onto his hoodie. You managed to bring him with you as you walked out of the store. Passing by Masky who was trying to get away from Toby- he was fanning masky with those big fans. Jeff sat sourly as you ordered food, a stressed Masky came soon after. He was glad to have some quiet from the ruckus outside, enjoying a meal with you. When he was done he went outside to have a smoke from his fanny pack.

Going back to the store with Jeff on a tight leash AWAY from the swords you found Sally playing with the plushies and L.J taking packs and packs of candy. You stood and stared at him as he loaded up on the strawberry gummies. “What?” He deadpanned as a few fell down from his pile. You just laughed and helped him hold some of them, putting them in your backpack and walking out of the store because- y’all are criminals, and you steal.

It was now late afternoon, and you only had a few countries left to complete the full round of the park. Toby got lost in France, you all spent about twenty minutes looking for him and apparently Slender too who disappeared soon after. Then out of some room came one of them.

“where where you?” Jane asked.

Slender stepped forward “at the show, there were some magnificent castles and I think I’ll have to visit. Maybe even take ideas for house redecoration” he nodded.

Then out of nowhere appeared a cast member holding the hand of one shaking Toby, whose eyes were puffy and cheeks red. “Did you lose this little boy” she asked slender, he shook his head yes and gave a sigh.

The lady was in absolute awe of the group, especially daddy dilf slender. “How IS it that you see through that mask” she mused, taking slender’s head in her hands even though he was super tall. Her mouth was open as she pulled him super close to observe his (non-existent) face. BEN was snickering and you looked back and forth to see slender pretty flustered at the lady’s proximity.

“Leave him alone” Jane smacked BEN behind his head and took him by the ear. You followed them to the U.K. She threw him in one of the phone booths and held the door so he couldn’t escape. You could hear him complain from inside “let me outttt” he said muffled. Jeff caught up and went into the one on the opposite side, playing with the buttons on the dial. When Slender came back he took out a Camera to snap pictures of BEN and Jeff. You stood to the side while he did, obviously both of them didn’t notice. They were pretty candid and when they saw what was happening they ran out of there, only to have their spaces replaced with Sally and E.J, who had to pose with her for the picture.

The sun was starting to set and you guys only had a couple things left to do, one of which Jeff almost exploded in wait for. He wanted to try test track so bad, the line was gruesome and he tapped his foot impatiently in wait. BEN kept tampering with the car parts on display, making doors open and lights flash in boredom. Toby waited outside with Slender because he had anxiety around going too fast in a car and possibly reliving trauma. Jeff, on the other hand, was so excited when it was finally time to go on. He let you sit next to him in the front with BEN in the back. The ride was entertaining sure but the best part was probably Jeff’s face at the end. The car went so fast that Jeff’s cheeks were pushed back with the wind, stretching out his carved smile and flapping as he waved his hands in the air.

Then when it ended he wanted to steal one of the cars from the display.

“I can turn it on and take the safety off” BEN tuned in cheekily.

“Yessss” Jeff said with a fist pump, “which one should we get?” He asked.

“The red one” BEN decided.

“Guys nonononon” you tried complaining but they were dedicated.

“Stop complaining” BEN said, distracting you while Jeff snuck up on you from behind. Covering your mouth with his hand and restraining your arms with another “This is for not letting me take that knife”.

Picking you up and throwing you in the backseat of the car before revving the engine. With tears of joy in your eyes you saw Slender appear in the rear mirror of the car, tendrils waving around in fury. If BEN wasn’t dead yet he would definetly be now, Jeff turned paler than usual. Thank goodness he saw what was going on. They were about to drive off in one of those Toyotas- forget about mass murder, they were about to commit grand theft auto.

Next was the Nemo ride, but BEN was absolutely petrified of being near water so he waited outside with Slender-who very much could not fit in that shell car as much as he tried. Sally really liked it, she went with Toby and you went with Jane. Masky and Hoodie went together. Needless to say all of you enjoyed it very much, and the aquarium after was great too. Jane sat where she could watch the Dolphins and you could hear Toby and Sally’s footsteps running around from tank to tank.

“Do you think Slender will let me take a shark home?” He asked Masky, who told him no. But when they were outside Toby went straight to Slender. “Can I take a pet home?” He pleaded. Slender gave him a strict no but Toby continued to beg, “how about a seahorse?”, “not even a starfish?”. He got shot down but quickly recovered when you guys went to Soarin.

All of them- they loved flying. Even through it was just a ride, it was exhilarating. Passing through the sea and waterfalls, even the castles where Slender would have smiled at (if he had a mouth). Toby yelled like a mother fucker the whole time, luckily Masky was sitting next to you and hoodie- away from earshot. Jeff got the bad end of his shouting, making a face like he was about to murder poor Toby. But the brunette was so distracted by the lights and scenery he didn’t notice. E.J was pretty fascinated too, the height scared him a bit- he was used to being on the ground. Then you all shared some food from the cafeteria and went outside to watch the light show from Canada.

It was such a nice moment, with the sun already set and a hazy glow lingering in the air. You took a deep breath in, the ambiance felt like something unreal. The Epcot ball was illuminated by purplish lights in the background and across the lake you could see all the countries monuments lined with white lights. Slender had Sally on his shoulders so she could take in the view. It made you so happy to be with all of them in an instance like this. You looked back to find L.J eating his candy. With BEN and Hoodie next to you, Masky was leaning on the railing with his elbows next to E.J. and Toby was about to fall asleep. He got pretty startled when the fireworks started, but Sally’s eyes lit up with happiness. She cheered as you watched the group, it was such a kindling time with them. You couldn’t wait for the next day of the trip.

[sadaboutniall]

something about you;

introduction | masterlist | tag | wattpad

Seventeen. April, 2015.

‘Hey, has everyone got a minute to talk?’

Harry pokes his head around the corner into the dressing room and Niall, who had been lying back on the couch scrolling aimlessly through Twitter, nods, kicking his feet down off the couch to make room for Harry. On the other side of the room, Louis picks up the football he’d been kicking at the wall, and Liam puts his phone down, too. It’s still a little weird, being a foursome—Niall always finds himself feeling like someone is missing. 

‘Great show tonight,’ Harry starts, taking the spot Niall’d cleared for him. They’re in Dubai, the final show of this leg. Ahead of them the boys have two months free before kicking things off again in Cardiff. Niall’s already thinking about sleep. 

‘Was sick, yeah,’ says Louis, skeptical already. ‘Have you got something you actually want to say, or?’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Harry sits up straight, runs a hand through his hair. It’s getting way too long and Niall keeps finding random strands of it all over the place, but it suits him, at least. ‘I just feel like—well, I feel like things are going really fucking brilliantly for us right now.’

‘Okay…’ Louis doesn’t look convinced. Niall bites back a laugh. 

‘I mean, we’re on top of the fucking world’ Harry runs his hand through his hair again. ‘And I just think… wouldn’t it be a better idea to quit while we’re ahead?’

-- 

The sun is rising in Dubai and Niall is drunk. After Harry’s suggestion—which seemed more like a decision he’d already made for all four of them, really—he and Louis went out, just the two of them, to celebrate, to mourn. They did shots high above the city, in some exclusive sky bar that looked identical to every other exclusive sky bar Niall’s done shots in over the past few years. They screamed over loud, thumping music and Niall made out with a stranger in the lounge in the back for a little while, letting her kiss down his neck while the room spun around him. They held up their drinks and cheersed to what they lost, to the impossible, beautiful, improbability of the last five years. They stumbled into a cab as the sun began to peek over the horizon, Louis reeking of smoke and alcohol, Niall feeling like the entire world was about to fall out from under him.

And now he’s here, lying on his back in the middle of a massive bed in an indistinguishably expensive hotel room in an indistinguishably expensive city that just happens, this time, to be Dubai, staring up at the ceiling. He can’t help but think about the fact that his entire life is over. 

He doesn’t know what comes after this, if anything. He doesn’t know what’s left for him, if anything. Harry’s got a solo career in the pipeline, Niall can tell that much, and Louis is the best songwriter he knows, and Liam has a better voice than Niall could ever dream of having. There won’t be space for all four of them, plus Zayn. There won’t be anything left for Niall. 

Slowly it dawns on Niall that this could be it for him—that he’s already lived his best years, that it’s all downhill from here. He peaked as a teenager and wasted it all, completely unaware. He’s going to have to live the rest of his life thinking about what he lost. 

Niall bolts upright in a sudden burst of nausea, sure he’s going to throw up all the alcohol in his system. He makes it to the bathroom in record time but relief doesn’t come—instead he hunches over the bowl on his knees, forehead pressed to the cool porcelain to keep himself from overheating, for what feels like hours. He dry heaves a few times, his body convulsing painfully and, eventually, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes from the physical effort of it all. His heart hammers like a thunderstorm and every move feels like running a marathon, every breath like a pathetic triumph. 

Eventually his knees protest painfully and he forces himself to stand up, one hand on the sink for support, the other holding his throbbing head. Body prickling with heat, oversensitivity, pain, Niall makes his way back to the massive bed and strips down. Lying on his back in the middle of it once again, he realizes belatedly that he’s just had a panic attack. 

He wonders if the rest of his life is going to be like this. 

It takes him a few moments of wallowing in self-pity to realize what he’s feeling. It hasn’t happened to him in a few months, and he wasn’t expecting it now, of all times. Now, when his entire life is falling apart. Now, when nothing is working and he needs to come up with a Plan B that he’s never had. Now, when he feels like the world is ending. 

All he wants to do is call Isla. 

In the logical part of his brain—which feels like it’s quickly dying—Niall knows he shouldn’t. He knows this isn’t fair. He knows Isla deserves better. 

On the emotional side, he doesn’t give a shit. 

He gropes around the bed for his phone, finds it buried under the folds of the duvet, and dials. He doesn’t let himself think about what he’s doing. 

‘Niall?’ Isla sounds a million miles away. Belatedly, Niall realizes that she is. ‘Are you okay? What’s going on?’

‘Happy birthday,’ he says. Talking makes his head spin. 

‘My birthday is in January. It’s April.’ Isla sounds annoyed, and Niall hears a door open, then close, on her side of the world. 

‘Yeah, well, I didn’t call you then so I figured I’d tell you now.’

‘Are you drunk?’ The sound of a faucet turning on. 

‘A bit,’ Niall admits, closing his eyes. He wishes he had it in him to get up and close the blinds, too. ‘A lot.’

‘I can tell,’ a click, Isla turning on an electric kettle. ‘Thank you for the birthday wishes, but we probably shouldn’t be doing this.’

‘Why not?’ Niall turns his head, presses his cheek into the pillow to block out some of the rising sun. 

‘Well, for starters, it’s four in the morning in London,’ says Isla, and Niall feels a pang of guilt, on top of the anxiety. ‘And my boyfriend is sleeping, so.’

‘Right,’ Niall slurs, squeezing his eyes shut tighter. ‘Sorry to wake him.’

‘It’s not that,’ Isla’s pacing around her kitchen, Niall can tell from the sounds of the floorboards underneath her. She sighs. ‘Sorry I said it like that. That was shitty of me.’ 

‘S’alright. You’re not wrong.’

‘Where are you? You sound a mess, are you somewhere safe?’

‘Yeah, Dubai. I’m in my hotel room.’

‘Is it not, like, seven in the morning in Dubai?’ Niall can hear Isla pouring the kettle. He wonders if she’s making one cup or two. ‘Why are you drunk at seven in the morning?’

‘Not gone to sleep yet,’ Niall says around a yawn, his heart rate finally starting to settle down. ‘Went out last night.’

Isla hums, and Niall can imagine her, the way she curls in on herself when she’s got a fresh cup of tea, holds it against her chest to breathe in the warmth. He thinks of her on the couch, in a flat he’s only seen tiny pictures of on Instagram, phone sandwiched between her ear and her shoulder, wearing that Derby jumper he gave her a century ago. She says, ‘it was a good night, then?’

‘No,’ Niall admits, without even thinking about it. ‘We broke up.’ 

‘Oh,’ Isla coughs a little, then: ‘I didn’t know you were seeing someone. I’m sorry to hear that.’

‘No, no,’ Niall shakes his head into the pillow, even though she can’t see him. ‘Not seeing anyone. The band.’

‘The—what? The band broke up?’ 

‘Yeah,’ he doesn’t have it in him, he thinks, to explain the stupid hiatus idea right now. He’s so fucking tired. ‘But don’t say anything. We’re not announcing it yet, like.’

‘I won’t,’ Isla promises, but Niall already knows she would never. He lets her carry on: ‘Maybe it’s a good thing, though. You deserve some time to rest. You could work on some golf stuff, or write your own music, even?’

‘Dunno that anyone wants to hear my own music.’ It feels okay to say it to Isla, to let it out of his racing mind and into the space between then. He knows she won’t throw it back at him. ‘Dunno where I go from here.’

‘I’m interested,’ says Isla. Niall hears her slurp at her tea on the other end of the phone.

‘You’re interested in everything I do.’

‘Not true. I really don’t give a shit about golf. Like, at all.’

Niall laughs, and it’s a shooting pain behind his eyes and in his head, but he feels better for it. His mouth is dry, and his stomach is starting to grumble. He thinks he might be feeling a bit more human. ‘Maybe if you gave it a shot.’

‘Don’t want to, if I’m honest. Maybe you should give going to sleep a shot.’

‘S’why I called ya,’ Niall yawns again. ‘Talk to me about law or something. Bore me to sleep, Boyne.’

But Isla doesn’t answer right away. Instead, Niall hears the phone jostling, muffled speaking, a deep, tired, masculine voice. He hears his own name, a quiet sigh, retreating footsteps. Bile rises in his throat again.

‘Sorry,’ Isla’s voice is full volume again. ‘Listen, Niall, I should go. It’s really late. Or early, whatever, and you’re drunk. And this is… we can’t keep doing things like this.’

‘What do you mean, doing things like this?’ There’s a flame of aggression in his stomach—not aimed toward Isla, but toward Jack, who he’s sure is the reason she’s hanging up so quickly. ‘We haven’t spoken in ages.’

‘I know, I know, but. This… this thing, Niall. Always coming back to each other. We’ve got to move on.’

‘I’m not—’

‘I’m sorry, Niall,’ Isla sounds small. He thinks of her, back in school, stressed about exams and uni. ‘I shouldn’t have picked up. Take a sleeping pill and make sure you drink a load of water. You’ll feel better in the morning.’

‘Isla—’

‘Whatever comes after this, it’ll be the right thing for you. You’re brilliant, Niall, you really are,’ he can hear Isla standing up, moving the phone away from her ear. ‘Sleep well.’

She hangs up. 

--

Fourteen hours later, Niall wakes up. He has a headache, a dry mouth, a sore chest, and one, singular text.

Isla (9:49am): Let me know when you wake up so I know you’re okay. You’ll be grand. Xx

He flips his phone over, screen pressed into the mattress. He needs to take a shower. He needs to eat. He needs to get laid. 

He needs to fall out of love with Isla.

####

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[zen3to5]

J/H 6-18: Substitute

Of all the Pam Burkhart episodes, this was probably the most fun to rewrite. Jackie moving into the hotel is an idea I'm pretty happy with, and the rewrites here meant reducing Mitch's part, which was great (Pam isn't a great character, but she's largely innocuous; I can't stand Mitch in these episodes.)

We're assuming that episode order shifts around a little here; "Substitute" is now 6-18. We assume that 6-17, "Happy Jack," plays out as we know it.

FF.Net AO3

***

SHOW TITLE   INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY   A simple hotel room at the Point Place Hotel: bed, bath, a crappy black-and-white TV. But this basic layout has brightly colored pillows and glittery framed portraits to jazz it up. JACKIE goes around the room, adjusting her things on the bed and dresser.   DONNA enters, a box full of stuffed unicorns in her arms.   DONNA: Here you go: one box worth of unicorns. Which leaves three boxes worth still in my room.   JACKIE: Yeah, I don’t have space for everything here. But, this way, you won’t have to miss me. Every morning, when you wake up, those happy unicorn faces will be a little piece of Jackie to brighten up your day.   Donna laughs as she sets down the box.   DONNA: You know, Jackie, I am gonna miss you. Since you’ve started living with us, my dad’s finally had someone to watch The Love Boat with. Are you sure you won’t change your mind?   JACKIE: I’m sure, Donna. When my mom came back, I stayed with you and your dad because I couldn’t go back to living with her. If she’s still moving into your house, then I can’t be there.   Donna opens her arms, and Jackie steps in for a big hug.   DONNA: Okay, I’m gonna go. We’ll hold on to the rest of your stuff.   JACKIE: Just don’t lose any of it inside your giant shoes.   They both smile, and Donna exits.   She’s no sooner gone than HYDE enters, three keys in his hand. He presents them to Jackie.   HYDE: Okay, Jackie. Here’s your room key, the kitchen key if you ever need me, and the master key. Gets you in to all the closets, cabinets – basically all the towels, soaps, and booze you could want.   JACKIE: Guests aren’t supposed to have this.   HYDE: (shrugs) Neither are kitchen staff.   Jackie nods, “a-ha,” and puts the keys away.   HYDE: Hey, so, Forman’s taking the guys mini golfing. You wanna come?   JACKIE: No. I just want to lie down for a while.   HYDE: Okay.   He kisses her forehead.   HYDE (cont’d): I’ll check in on you when I come back for my shift. I’ll make dinner.   JACKIE: Hey, I hadn’t thought of that - with you working here, it’s like I have my own personal valet. Will you bring me breakfast in bed every morning for room service?   HYDE: No.   JACKIE: Will you bring me fresh towels and make the bed every day?   HYDE: No.   JACKIE: (beat) Will you be late to mini golf and help me “break in” the bed?   HYDE: Anything to make your stay more comfortable.   They both smile and step into a kiss. Jackie puts her arms around Hyde’s neck and pulls him down on top of her on the bed.

MAIN CREDITS   BUMPER   EXT. GOLFCOURSE – DAY   The Point Place mini golf course, with all the charmingly tacky landmarks you’d expect of a small-town setup like this. ERIC, FEZ, and KELSO watch as a YOUNG BOY putts his ball into the windmill and sinks it. The guys give a quiet golf clap. Once the boy runs off, Fez moves into position to take his shot.   Hyde walks up between Eric and Kelso. His walk is just a little awkward and bow-legged.   HYDE: Hey. Sorry I’m late.   ERIC: Oh, did moving Jackie into the hotel take more time than you thought?   HYDE: No, we were done with that a while ago.   ERIC: (shrugs) Man, she must really be upset at her mom. I mean, I don’t think Pam’s even moved in with Bob yet.   KELSO: She hasn’t. On my weekends home from the police academy, I’ve been staking out all your houses for surveillance practice. Pam’s still not camping at the Pinciotti’s. But she and Bob are really getting Bob’s money’s worth out of that hot tub.   FEZ: FORE!   He takes, not a gentle put, but a full-on swing.   ERIC: WHOA!   Fez’s ball goes sailing over the course and out towards the parking lot.   HYDE: Watch out!   ERIC: Parking lot!   Glass shatters. Fez, Eric, and Hyde all wince.   KELSO: Eh, it was just a Pinto.   Eric and Hyde round on Fez.   HYDE: Fez, this is putt-putt. Your choices are putt or putt.   Before Fez can respond, a short – very short – figure steps out from behind the nearby counter – MITCH, in the silliest of golf hats.   MITCH: Hey, what the hell? (sees Eric) Oh, Forman. I should’ve known it was you guys. Most people who come here can’t hit the ball that hard on account of they’re in kindergarten.   ERIC: Mitch. Congratulations. This seems like the perfect job for someone your size, what with the free lodging in the little castle at hole six.   MITCH: Yeah, there’s just enough room in there for me and your mom.   The guy all “ooh.”   KELSO: (to Eric) Yeah, the sweetest burns involve doing it with your mom.   MITCH: Look, just quit hitting the ball that hard, or you guys are out of here.   He pokes at Eric’s chest and goes back to the counter.   ERIC: God, I hate that guy. Tear him a new hole in one.   HYDE: Wow, Forman. Haven’t seen you this pissed since I chased you around your house with that spider in a jar. You were, like - (doing Eric) “Hyde, I swear to God!” (normal voice) But you never did anything.   ERIC: Yeah? Well, I’m about to do something.   He tees up for his shot and, like Fez, gives a full swing. His ball shoots up, ricochets off the windmill, and flies over to the counter, where Mitch is on the phone. The ball beans him in the head. Mitch drops the phone and drops like a rock. The guys drop their clubs and rush over.   BUMPER   INT. HOTEL HALL – DAY   Later in the afternoon. A row of doors. From one, ROY stumbles out, a woman’s kimono clutched in his hands. The door slams shut behind him.   Roy clutches at the kimono and stares blankly at the door. He doesn’t notice Jackie come up behind him until she taps him on the shoulder.   JACKIE: Hey, Roy.   ROY: Oh, hey, Jackie. How’re you liking the hotel?   JACKIE: Well, it’s nice to have a maid again. And she has a bigger moustache than my dad, just like our maid back home. (nods to kimono) Whatcha got there?   ROY: Oh, you know we’re having that Japanese cultural festival in the hotel this week? Yeah, there’s these dancers who put on a show. They wear these kimonos.   JACKIE: Oh, was that one lost?   ROY: No, I was in their room when they came in, so I hid in the closet. They threw me out.   He looks down at his feet, unable to meet Jackie’s raised, condescending brows.   An extremely hairy man in a flowered sundress and a hand fan comes up the hall, behind Jackie and Roy. They are slow to turn and notice him, but when they do, Jackie’s eyes bulge out and she takes a step back. Roy takes the sight in stride.   ROY (cont’d): Oh, hey, Frank.   FRANK snaps his fan shut and shakes it at Roy.   FRANK: I’ve told you – when I’m here in my gown, you call me Lady Laguna!   JACKIE: (scoffs) You call that a gown?   Frank’s glare snaps her way. Jackie inches toward Roy, who holds the kimono out between them and Frank like a shield.   JACKIE (cont’d): Whatever the lady says.   Frank gives her a brusque nod. He proceeds down the hall, his head turned to watch Jackie and Roy the entire time.   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “Stuck in the Middle with You” by Stealers Wheel.   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY   For once, the basement is empty. Magazines, comics, and a Millennium Falcon-shaped carrying case full of action figures cover the coffee table. Not that the basement stays empty: Kelso opens the door and leads in Hyde and Eric, supporting Mitch between them. Fez brings up the rear. Mitch has a large bandage covering his forehead.   The guys see Mitch over to the couch, where they set him down in the center seat. Eric sits to his right as Hyde crosses to his chair, Fez sits in the lawn chair, and Kelso sits on Mitch’s left.   ERIC: Mitch, I am so sorry. The doctor said it was only a mild concussion, so...   MITCH: What? I’ve lost the ability to process language, on account of I have a concussion! (sighs) Forman, why are we always fighting? I can’t even remember how we got this way.   KELSO: I’ve had chicks say that to me.   FEZ: No. That was me.   Kelso and Fez share an awkward look.   MITCH: (to Eric) Don’t you think that we should be friends? I mean, we’re pretty much the same guy. We’re into all the same stuff – Spider-Man, Batman, Famous Monsters of Filmland... (sees Star Wars toys) And Star Wars! Look at this!   He picks up the Darth Vader figure from the case.   MITCH (cont’d): I can’t believe you got a hold of the Darth Vader with the green lightsaber! Pew! Pew! Pew!   He starts swinging the doll around as he makes the noise. Eric shakes his head and takes the doll from him.   ERIC: What? No, no. It’s –   He proceeds to make more accurate, and more nerdy, lightsaber sound effects.   ERIC: (to Hyde) What a geek.   FEZ: (to Kelso) They look happy. Why don’t we have a game?   KELSO: Man, you are always on about that these days. “Why don’t we have a song? Why don’t we have a movie?”   FEZ: If you gave me an answer, maybe I wouldn’t always be on about it.   KELSO: Look, can we not do this when we have company over? We’ll talk about it later.   FEZ: Oh, sure. Later, later, always later, but later never comes!   They both snap their heads away from each other. Eric, Mitch, and Hyde take a moment to stare at them before going back to their business.   MITCH: Come on, Eric. Let’s hang out.   ERIC:   Okay, well... you’re obviously having some kind of reaction to your medications. Why don’t you just give your dad a call, get a ride home.   He indicates the phone. Mitch looks down, puts a finger to his bandage, and pokes at it repeatedly.   MITCH:  (on each poke) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.   Eric heaves a deep sigh, rolls his eyes, and hands Darth Vader back to Mitch.   ERIC:  You can be Darth Vader. Just don’t wreck the lightsaber.   MITCH: Really? Thanks!   He starts swinging Darth Vader around again, with inaccurate sound effects.   HYDE: Uh, Forman?   Hyde stands, takes Eric by the arm, and pulls him to the deep freeze.   HYDE (cont’d): (hushed) Man, what the hell are you thinking? We’ve already got a weak, squeaky nerd-boy hanging around here – you. And Mitch doesn’t have any of your better qualities, like a house I can live in. I mean, look at him.   He points over to Mitch, who is pointing to Kelso. More specifically, he’s leaning into Kelso, his finger hovering just barely away from Kelso’s temple.   KELSO: What are you doing?   MITCH: I’m not touching you.   KELSO: Stop it.   MITCH: But I’m not touching you.   KELSO: Stop not touching me!   MITCH: Okay.   He gives Kelso a sharp poke to the temple.   MITCH (cont’d): (laughs) Wasn’t it better when I wasn’t touching you?   KELSO: (laughs) Yeah.   Mitch puts his finger back up, and Kelso does the same to him. Eric looks back to Hyde.   ERIC:  Look, Mitch knows I’m just being nice, okay? This can’t last more than a few days, tops. And, I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?   The basement door opens, and Donna enters.   MITCH: (to Donna) Oh, wow! You are gorgeous! You’re the hottest redhead since Batgirl! And you’re not just gorgeous – I mean, you radiate intelligence and deep thought. A real sense of self.   DONNA: Eric, I like your new friend.   She smiles at a beaming Mitch as Eric and Hyde share a look.   BUMPER   INT. HOTEL – NIGHT   The hotel ballroom. It is filled with booths, stands, tables, and small stages, all for the Japanese cultural festival, which has drawn a healthy nighttime crowd. At a makeshift Japanese steakhouse grill, the chef performs for the gathered crowd, slicing and preparing fish with an elaborate display of cutting and knife throwing.   Jackie sits at the bar watching. She is wearing a dark floral kimono, with her hair in a French twist style held with chopsticks. Hyde, in his chef’s jacket, comes up behind her.   HYDE: Oh, I could get used to this look.   Jackie turns around, stands.   JACKIE: Oh, there you are.   She kisses him.   HYDE: How’s it going?   JACKIE: Well, I was yelled at by Lady Laguna, the concierge keeps inviting me to the “private suite” under his desk, and Roy’s offered me a charming look at what Fez will be like in 20 years.   HYDE: Now, Jackie, that’s not fair. Fez has actually had a girlfriend.   Jackie considers that, shrugs.   HYDE (cont’d): Look, man, if this isn’t working out, then maybe you can move back with –   JACKIE: No, no – I’m fine. (sighs) Can we just go back to my room and have some dinner?   HYDE: Sure. Hope you don’t mind salad and burgers. Roy didn’t shut the freezer all the way when he went in there to cry, so the ground beef’s about the only thing left that’s not a 50/50 risk of salmonella.   They hold hands and start to head for the exit when they bump into another couple – RED and KITTY. And BOB is with them too.   JACKIE: Oh! Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Forman. Hi, Mr. Pinciotti.   KITTY: Well, hello, Jackie.   BOB: Hi there, Jackie. Isn’t this festival great? (points to grill) I love this one. It’s not just dinner. It’s a thrill ride, ‘cause there’s a small chance you’re getting knifed.   RED: I don’t know, Bob. I’ve tried to avoid Asians with weapons ever since 7,000 of them tried to kill me.   KITTY: (laughs) Well, it’s thanks to the work of brave men like you that America’s enemies are now performing at a tiny local festival in a two-star hotel.   JACKIE: What are you all doing here?   BOB: Pammy thought it’d make a good double date.   JACKIE: Wait, my mom’s here?   BOB: Yep. She’s just freshening up.   JACKIE: (to Hyde) My room, Steven. Now.   She lets Hyde lead her by the hand around the adults. Bob starts after them.   BOB: Come on, Jackie. Give your mom a chance. I think she really wanted to come here so she could see you.   Jackie pulls Hyde to a stop, rounds on Bob.   JACKIE: Well, I don’t want to see her, so you can stop trying to help her get to me.   BOB: I just don’t like seeing you two not get along. And your mom’s been such a peach since we got together. I wanna help you two out.   JACKIE: Well, she doesn’t deserve it! Steven, is there another way out of here? A back door or a secret bookcase passage?   HYDE: Okay, someone’s had a relapse on Nancy Drew.   Nevertheless, he takes her away from the main entrance to a small door in the far corner.   JACKIE: God, I can’t believe Bob! Why can’t he just accept that I don’t want to see my...   Hyde opens the door to:   INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT   A small hallway connecting just two doors, a staff passageway. Inside, Jackie and Hyde find two people making out – PAM and a Japanese man dressed for the grill.   JACKIE: MOM?   Pam breaks away from her partner, breathless.   PAM: Oh, Jackie, there you are. Meet Hirohito.   HIROHITO smiles and waves. Jackie, eyes wide, rounds on Hyde.   JACKIE: What is it with this hotel and cheating?   Hyde shifts on his feet as Jackie turns back to her mom, gaping.   FADE TO BLACK   COMMMERCIAL   BUMPER   INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT   Right where we left off. As Hyde and Hirohito stand uncomfortably by, Jackie advances on Pam.   JACKIE: Mom, what are you doing? You’re supposed to be here with Bob.   PAM: Oh, you ran into Bob. Isn’t he just a doll, bringing me here? Who would’ve thought a man with such bad dress sense could be so sweet?   JACKIE: Yeah, Bob is sweet. And you’re cheating on him! With some cook at a crappy hotel!   She can feel Hyde’s eyes on the back of her neck. She steps back to him and puts a hand on his chest.   JACKIE (cont’d): Which can be a good thing, if you’ve got the right combination of looks and brains to make up for it, and if you’re not with someone else.   PAM: Oh, honey, don’t be silly. Hirohito’s only here for the festival. His day job is as a Lincoln dealer.   HIROHITO: 34th and Donegal.   JACKIE: (gasps) Lincolns? Could you get a deal on a pink – no, no! (to Pam) Mom, how can you do this to Bob? He really likes you, and he’s done nothing but stick up for you since you came back to town.   PAM: Oh, Bob will be fine.   JACKIE: No, he won’t! Bob’s had a horrible time with break-ups before, but he’s never had anyone cheat on him. How can you do this when you’re moving in together?   PAM: Well... Jackie, the truth is, when you wouldn’t speak to me after I came back, when Bob asked me out, it seemed like the only way I could see you. And when he asked me to move in, I thought it was a way you and I could be together. But now that you’ve moved out... did I mention Hirohito has a summer home back east?   HIROHITO: Cape Cod.   JACKIE: (to Pam) So you just used Bob to try and get to me? Mom, you can’t just throw your looks at some guy and use him to get whatever you want. I’ve learned the world doesn’t work like that.   PAM: Oh, I knew I shouldn’t have sent you to public school.   JACKIE: Just think, Mom. What if it had worked? You and me would be back home, or living with this Hirohito guy, but what happens when someone else comes along who’s richer? Or what happens when you get another chance to run off to Mexico, or Paris, or Milan?   HIROHITO: Kyoto is lovely this time of year, too.   Everyone turns to glare at him.   HIROHITO (cont’d): But, carry on.   JACKIE: (to Pam) Mom, all this does is show me that you’re still running from one place to another, looking for something better instead of just being happy with what you have. That’s why you left after Daddy went to prison, and it’s why I haven’t wanted to see you. And why I still don’t.   She passes Pam and Hirohito and runs out the other end of the hallway. Pam shifts on her feet, Hirohito scratches at the back of his neck.   Hyde takes a step toward them.   HYDE: (to Hirohito) Hey, if the Lincoln thing doesn’t work out, this crappy hotel does actually need a cook for weekend shifts. Just one thing – (points to Pam) No dogs allowed in the kitchen.   He passes them and follows after Jackie.   BUMPER   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY   The next morning. The Toyota rests in the driveway, the hood popped. Eric holds a flashlight for Red as he works on the engine. Kitty is in the Toyota, behind the wheel.   RED: (to Eric) I just think it’s pretty suspicious that after we left the Japanese festival, our Japanese car broke down.   Eric’s chance to throw some snark at that xenophobia is cut short when Mitch strolls up the driveway.   MITCH: (to Eric) Hey, buddy.   Kitty steps out of the car to take a look at Eric’s new friend. Mitch makes a show of reacting to her.   MITCH (cont’d): Whoa, Eric, you didn’t tell me you had an older sister.   ERIC: Oh, please. If you’re gonna go with fake charm, let’s keep it in the realm of reality, okay?   KITTY: Oh, you shut your porky mouth. I have the skin of a 25-year old. Who smokes.   Mitch turns to Red, polishing a nut.   MITCH: You know, Mr. Forman, I learned a little about cars from my uncle who used to fix tanks in Vietnam. Now that’s hero’s work, fixing machines that kill people you don’t agree with. My only regret is that I haven’t yet had a chance to fight for my country.   RED: Really? Eric’s only regret is that he doesn’t live in space.   ERIC: That’s not my only regret. It’s just one of them.   He goes back to holding the flashlight, only now, it’s for Mitch.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY   A truncated gathering. Kelso leans on the deep freeze, nursing a popsicle, Donna sits in Hyde’s chair, Eric on the back of one end of the couch, Mitch in the seat on the other end, and Fez in the lawn chair. “My Best Friend’s Girl” by the Cars plays on the radio.   Fez, Kelso, and especially Eric wear long faces as Donna humors Mitch’s nerdy babble.   MITCH: So I’m at this garage sale, and I look down, and there they were – Godzilla, Mothra, and Rodan, all in mint condition! It was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen. (to Donna) At least until I met you.   Donna giggles, runs a hand through her hair. Eric climbs down from the back of the couch and stands over Mitch.   ERIC: Okay, Mitch. Don’t you have something you need to do?   MITCH: You know, you’re right. I almost forgot. I said I’d make omelets for everyone! (points to Kelso) Onions... (points to Fez) Peppers... (points to Donna) And only the most succulent of honey-glazed ham for a honey-red honey.   ERIC: Okay, “honey-red?” That’s not even a thing!   Donna giggles, nudges Eric with her foot.   DONNA: That sounds great, Mitch.   Kelso and Fez nod their approval. Mitch nods back, heads up the stairs.   Eric sits down in the couch seat closest to Donna.   ERIC: Donna, why do you keep encouraging Mitch?   DONNA: Eric, it’s no big deal.   ERIC: Yes, it is. Look, he already likes everything I like, he’s buttering up my parents, now he’s making moves on you... it’s like Invasion of the Body Snatchers if the pod people were all leprechauns.   Kelso crosses to the other end of the couch, near Fez, and sits down.   FEZ: Okay, Kelso. I have a game we can have. Truth or Dare?   KELSO: (rolls eyes) All right, fine. Truth.   FEZ: Have you ever snuck into Donna’s bathroom when she was showering?   Eric and Donna look over at Kelso. He shifts in his seat.   KELSO: (to Fez) I mean, dare.   FEZ: Oh, come on, out with the truth! I know you’ve snuck in there. I was there, and I saw you!   Donna and Eric, and Kelso, look to him, as Mitch comes down the stairs with two plates in hand.   FEZ: I mean, dare, yes. Dare.   MITCH: Oh, are you guys playing Truth or Dare? I’m in.   He passes the plates in his hands to Kelso and Donna, then takes a seat in the hoppity hop.   MITCH (cont’d): Okay, Mitch – truth or dare? Um, I pick dare, Mitch. Okay, Mitch. I dare you to kiss Donna. (gasps) Mitch! Naughty Mitch.   DONNA: (laughing) Mitch, you goofball, that’s not how it works. It’d have to be, like, “I dare you to kiss me.”   MITCH: (shrugs) Okay.   He leaps from the hoppity hop onto Donna with a massive kiss.   ERIC: What the hell?   KELSO: (laughs) He did it!   FEZ: Look at him go! He’s like a hummingbird!   Donna pushes Mitch off her, helped by Eric pulling him off.   ERIC: Mitch, I can’t believe you! You just flew at her like one of the little monkeys from The Wizard of Oz!   DONNA:  Eric, relax. He was just fooling around. He didn’t mean anything by it.   MITCH: Yeah, Eric. What’s a little fooling around among friends? (to Donna) Wait, what was that second thing you said?   ERIC: (to Mitch) We’re not friends, man! We never were! I only let you hang out here because I felt bad for you, but guess what? I don’t like you! And neither does anyone else!   MITCH: (beat) Fine. I won’t bother you guys anymore.   Head bowed, he makes his way to the basement door. He exits, then immediately sticks his head back in.   MITCH (cont’d): Somebody needs to check Fez’s omelet in about three minutes!   He exits again.   Eric sighs, sits back down. The others all eye him carefully; they don’t often see that kind of outburst from him.   KELSO: Well, that was brutal.   DONNA: Yeah. Nice going, Eric.   ERIC: What? Donna, he just mauled you like a miniature French cat.   DONNA: Yeah, well... he worshipped me, okay? I always thought Jackie was ridiculous for falling for stuff like that, but I swear, I thought Mitch was gonna light a fire and dance around me!   KELSO: Yeah, I feel bad for the little guy. I just wanna put him up on my shoulders and buy him a balloon. (to Fez) So, Fez – what if I dared you to kiss Donna?   Fez sits up, intrigued. Donna rolls her eyes.   BUMPER   INT. HOTEL – DAY   Day 2 of the Japanese cultural festival. A thinner crowd in the daytime. Jackie walks the floor in her regular clothes. She finds Roy doing the same thing, clipboard in hand.   JACKIE: Hi, Roy. So, any more luck with the Japanese dancers?   ROY: I think so. One of them came to see me in the kitchen this morning. She was screaming, “give me back my kimono,” but...   He trails off, shrugs. Jackie gives him an indulgent nod and continues on her way.   She passes by the Japanese steakhouse set-up, where Hirohito is working the grill. Pam and Bob are at the bar. Before they can see her, Jackie ducks behind a nearby dragon figure flanking another booth. But she is still within range to hear.   PAM: I’m sorry, Bob.   BOB: Hey, when things got tough between Midge and me, we did all sorts of crazy things to stay close to Donna. Although talking it over while the guy you were seeing behind my back makes our food – that’s a new one.   HIROHITO: And still, you tipped. Thank you.   He gives Bob a slight bow, and Bob gives a wave back. Pam smiles, rubs Bob’s back.   PAM: You know, Bob, you aren’t the smoothest or the classiest guy I’ve ever dated, but you are the sweetest. (sighs) You know, for the first time in my life, I feel like I need to do some work on myself. Not on the outside, obviously, because – well, come on. But on the inside. (takes Bob’s hand) And I could use some help.   BOB: Sure.   He leans in, kisses her cheek.   BOB (cont’d): You wanna try seeing Jackie again?   PAM: (beat) No. No, I think she needs her space. And she needs to see that I’ve made some changes. She deserves to see that. And I’d better start making them.   BOB: Okay.   They stand, link arms, and start to walk away.   PAM: Now, for change number one – how attached are you to those zebra rings?   That conversation continues as they exit the ballroom.   Jackie steps out from behind the dragon and looks after them. She cups a hand over her mouth as the other goes over her heart.   Hyde, in his chef’s jacket, comes up behind her.   HYDE: Hey.   She turns around to him, her eyes slightly wet.   HYDE (cont’d): Everything okay?   JACKIE: Yeah, yeah.   She hugs him around the waist. He hugs her back.   JACKIE (cont’d): Um, Steven? Do you have your master key on you?   HYDE: No...   JACKIE: Well, I’ve got mine, so where’s the nearest closet?   Hyde smiles at her. He takes her hand and leads her toward the corner door.   BUMPER   EXT. GOLFCOURSE – NIGHT   Mini golf, after hours. Mitch, alone, oils the windmill. Eric slowly comes up behind him.   ERIC: Hey, Mitch. Look, I – I wanted to apologize.   MITCH: That’s okay. I guess I was out of line too. I shouldn’t have jumped on your girlfriend. In front of you. It’s just – you have such a great life. And if I never see you or your friends ever again, I’m always gonna treasure that time that I spent with Donna.   ERIC: Okay, well... then I’ll just say goodbye.   Eric turns to leave. He makes it about three steps before Mitch heaves a heavy sigh, stopping Eric in his tracks.   MITCH: So lonely...   Eric wrestles with the air, screws up his face – and caves.   ERIC: Hey, Mitch, uh... you know, if you ever wanna hang out, you know, you’re always... you know.   In a flash, Mitch is at his side.   MITCH: Great, thanks!   ERIC: Oh, are we gonna do this now?   MITCH: Yeah, buddy, let’s do it!   ERIC: (beat) Okay.   MITCH: All right. Hey, so – do you think I might have a shot with Donna?   ERIC: Mitch, she’s my fiancée.   MITCH: So that’s a maybe!   He walks off, hands in the air. Eric drags his own hands down his face as he considers what he’s locked himself into for the foreseeable future.   FADE TO BLACK   CREDITS   INT. HOTEL – NIGHT   The ballroom, the festival still under way. Roy approaches the corner door and opens it. He finds Jackie and Hyde in the midst of a furious make-out session. They stop and freeze when Roy sees them.   ROY: Are you allowed to do that in here?   JACKIE: (beat) Are you allowed to ransom a dancer’s kimono for a date?   Roy considers that for a moment. He studies Jackie’s face carefully; she’s ready to play hard ball on this.   ROY: I was never here.   Jackie and Hyde nod. They go back to making out, Roy shuts the door, and continues on his way.   END.

[tkmedia]

Brooks Koepka believes he can catch Tiger Woods in total majors: 'If I win one a year, I got Jack'

No one will ever mistake Brooks Koepka for an insecure person. He's one of the most confident golfers on the PGA Tour, and he's one of the best as well. So it's no surprise that he believes he can contend with Jack Nicklaus for the most majors in the history of the sport. But first, he has his eye on Tiger Woods, who Koepka believes he will catch. "In my mind, I'm going to catch him on majors. I believe that. I don't see any reason that can stop me. I'm 31. I have another 14 years left," Koepka said, per Yahoo Sports. "If I win one a year, I got Jack."RYDER CUP TEAMS 2021: Full list of USA, European golfers and captain picks Nicklaus has the most major wins in golf history with 18. Woods has earned 15 during his career and was once thought a shoo-in to pass Nicholson. However, late-career injuries have derailed Woods' efforts. He went 11 years between his 2008 U.S. Open win and 2019 Masters win, his 14th and 15th major titles.Needless to say, Koepka's goal is a lofty one. The 31-year-old has won four majors to date, though all four have come during the past two years. However, Woods had won 13 majors before he turned 32. As for Nicklaus, he had won nine through his Age 31 season. So Koepka has a lot of work to do to catch those two legends.MORE: Why Patrick Reed isn't playing at 2021 Ryder CupThat said, Koepka also doesn't want anyone to think he's being cocky. He said that having this mindset simply helps him to compete for first place on a weekly basis."People misconstrue that as being cocky. No, that’s just my belief," Koepka said. "If I don’t have that belief, I shouldn’t be out there. If you don’t think you can win, why the hell are you teeing it up?"Yeah, I'm just going for second place this week. There's a lot of that on Tour. Even elite players are very happy with that. Second? Sports are made to have a winner and a loser. You're one or the other."MORE: PGA Tour explains decision to ban fans yelling "Brooksie" at Bryson DeChambeauKoepka's next chance to add to his major win total will come at The Master's in April 2022. Until then, he'll set his sites on earning a Ryder Cup win as a part of the USA's squad at the event.Koepka is dealing with a wrist injury that forced him to withdraw at the Tour Championship a few weeks ago, so his status will bear watching. And Koepka described how "tough" the matchplay tournament can be."There are times where I'm like, I won my match. I did my job. What do you want from me? I know how to take responsibility for the shots I hit every week," Koepka said. "Now, somebody else hit a bad shot and left me in a bad spot, and I know this hole is a loss."It's a bit odd, if I'm honest. I don't want to say it's a bad week. We're just so individualized, and everybody has their routine and a different way of doing things, and now, it's like, OK, we have to have a meeting at this time or go do this or go do that. … The physical part, I can handle. The mental side, you have to be able to turn it off." Read the full article

[xfandomimagines]

ATTRACTIVE GAMER (A JACKSEPTICEYE IMAGINE)

Requested by @shane-in-space:  Hey would i be abe to request a jacksepticeye imagine but with a male!reader? Where maybe jack finally allows him to play some games with mark,bob and wade and jack is surprised/ a bit attracted to how good he is at them? Thank you!!

Gender: Male

Notes: I thought this was a really cute request, and I hope I did it justice. I made them play Golf with Friends because those videos are some of my favourites and I had reference the infamous “THERES A POWER BAR???” haha!

{REQUESTS ARE OPEN}

You settled across from Sean in the recording room in yours and his apartment, set up on his second monitor and sharing a microphone. You were both about to be playing some Gold with Friends with Mark, Bob and Wade, something you had been trying convince Sean to let you do for a while, but he hadn’t finally given in until now. Sean never told you why he never wanted you to join them, and it hurt every time he never gave an answer even though he always swore that it wasn’t because he was embarrassed of you, you couldn’t help but think that was the reason why.

“Hey guys!” Sean called out when Skype connected and the three popped up on the screen. A chorus of greetings were returned.

“Is Y/N there?” Bob asked. “You said he was joining us.”

“Yeah, he’s across from me on the other monitor.” Sean nodded over to you.

“Hey, it’s nice to meet you all. Well, kind of meet you.” You introduced, nervously. Although you wanted to join them, you were still nervous that they may not like you.

“We’ve been asking Jack to let us meet you for a while, but he always said no.” Mark said, and that only served to add to your theory that Sean was embarrassed of you. You looked over at Sean to see him looking at you guiltily and when he saw you watching at him he changed the subject.

“Okay, okay, enough of that. Mark, stop getting me into trouble.” Sean laughed, but you could tell it was partly a charade. You decided to not bring it up for now, choosing to enjoy playing the game instead. You all booted it up and got into the same multiplayer game, setting it up have different shape balls and play in hard mode.

“Mark, don’t forget there’s a power bar.” Bob said, teasingly, and everyone laughed. Wade and Jack imitated Mark’s reaction, much to his displeasure, and you laughed along loudly.

“This is the first time I’m playing and even I know there’s a power bar.” You joked, hesitantly. Mark jokingly told you to fuck off, the other’s immediately joining your line of teasing, and you relaxed as Sean gave you a thumbs up.

The game started and you found it a lot easier than expected. You were currently second behind Wade, which you were proud of considering you expected to end up last. Everyone was joking and laughing and they included you as if you had always been one of the group, never making you feel like an odd one out. The only issue was Sean.

All the time you had been playing Sean kept watching you, a weird look in his eyes. You had never seen him look at you like that before, and it was slightly unnerving. Were you doing something wrong? As far as you knew, you didn’t. You were polite to everyone, didn’t say anything that would be inappropriate for YouTube, or act out in any way.

When you got to the final hole, you and Wade were pretty much neck and neck, him being only one point in front you. The others were cheering for you being the new one, and somehow you managed to find a cheat and end up almost at the hole, eventually getting it in three. Wade shouted loudly in mock anger, getting stuck on a loop and taking 9 shots to get it in.

“Yes!” You cheered loudly, doing a little victory dance in your chair and Sean laughed at your ridiculous dance moves.

“I can’t believe I got beaten by a first timer!” Wade complained, the others taunting him.

Once everyone had left and you and Sean were left alone, Sean went weird again, ignoring you with a flimsy excuse and you finally had enough of it.

“What have I done?” You asked, now standing across the room. “You’ve never wanted me to meet your friends but after today I still have no idea why, since they all wanted to meet me as well. Throughout the entire time we were playing you kept staring at me, and again, I have no idea why. As far as I know, I didn’t do anything out of place. I’m sick of the excuses, just tell me why.”

“It’s not you. I swear.” Sean said and you scoffed.

“Then what is it? You swear you aren’t embarrassed of me but that’s the only logical explanation I can think of. I want answers. Now.” You’d moved on from being worried, and were now angry. This had gone on long enough, you either got answers or you were gone.

“I’m not embarrassed of you, please just drop this.” Sean pleaded, the same look in his eye that he had when you were playing was back.

“You either give me a reason or I’m gone.” You gave Sean the final ultimatum. He sat silently, and you shook your head, starting to exit the room.

“I like you.” Well, that isn’t what you expected.

“You… Like me?”

“Yes, and that’s why I never wanted you to meet them! Because I knew they’d love you and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide it anymore and I didn’t want to risk losing you.” Sean explained, looking nervous. “I’ve never liked a guy before either.”

You knelt down in front of his chair, lacing your fingers together. “It’s okay. You aren’t going to lose me, not anymore. All I wanted was a reason, and you gave me that. Plus, I really like you too.”

“Really?” Sean looked at you hopefully, and you smiled softly.

“Yes.”

With that, you leant up and pressed a sweet kiss on his lips. You never expected this to happen, you always thought Sean was straight but you were never going to complain. You pulled apart and you rested your foreheads together, grinning like maniacs.

“You know, you being good at the game was very attractive.” Sean said, coyly. You chuckled.

“Then maybe we should play more games together.”

[golfnomad]

A Mad Dash to Mesquite

This weekend, a friend and I made what has become an annual trip to Southern Nevada. Normally, we just stay around Vegas for 2-3 days, but we decided to venture a bit further this year. That was partly for me, since there’s only one public course in Vegas that I have left to play and it wasn’t quite in our budget. Hint, it rhymes with Schmadow Creek.

On Saturday, we drove up to Mesquite and stayed the night there. On Sunday, we drove home after stopping in Henderson for a round at Revere Golf Club (Concord). I’ve already reviewed that course on the blog, so this post will just focus on the two Mesquite courses we played...

Oasis Golf Club (The Canyons Course) • Mesquite, NV • 11/11/17

Oasis has two courses and I hadn’t played either of them prior to this trip. To me, they’ve always seemed a bit overpriced and deals aren’t usually easy to find like they are at the other comparable mid-level Mesquite courses (considering Wolf Creek as the one and only “top-level” course in town and the rest being quality B players). 

Fortunately, my friend was looking around awhile back and found an oddly inexpensive tee time for The Canyons Course at Oasis. It was only around $40, even though most everything else in town this time of year is quite expensive. We went ahead and booked the 9:30 time at that price. When he checked later, all times around us went up to $125. Not sure why that price was so low when we booked it, but we felt like we got away with something. The pro shop guys didn’t bat an eye when we checked in and paid the balance, however, so I guess it’s wasn’t that outrageous.

We figured it would be busy there on a Saturday of a holiday weekend, but it really wasn’t. They sent us off as a twosome a little ahead of our tee time. We did catch up to other groups pretty quickly and waited on most holes, but the total pace was nice around four hours. 

We were considering asking about a replay on The Palmer Course, but we heard them announcing a shotgun start over on that course as we were finishing on the 18th of ours. So that idea went quickly out the window, but we still made the most of our time as you’ll see later.

The Canyons Course was designed by Dave Druzisky. The setting is kind of weird as it works through some really cool canyon areas while also working through a residential community and some streets. It seems a lot of holes would have a beautiful rugged canyon hillside on one side of the fairway and then houses or a street along the other. There is a lot of driving between some holes and you are often traveling along and across the streets. You definitely don’t get the “secluded” canyon setting here like you do at some of Mesquite’s other courses. The streets especially take away from the overall experience on this course. 

If you focus on just the layout, The Canyons Course offers an enjoyable design. The front nine is definitely more interesting with some good changes in elevation and fun holes like the tricky dogleg left par-4 6th. This hole plays around the corner of a rocky hillside and then water runs up the right side as you near the green. 

The back nine has a few memorable holes, but I found the front more engaging and distinctive overall. 

I will commend The Canyons Course for having a really strong collection of par-3s. All four offer something a little different. The 4th hole is probable the best of the bunch with a severely elevated tee and a nice view. The 7th is more flat as you play over a large water hazard. 

The 9th is an odd one that I think I enjoyed much more than my friend. It also features a very elevated tee. A creek crosses back and forth on the way down to the hill and the green is guarded by kind of a moat that circles almost all the way around. It is an awkward and semi-blind tee shot from the back blue tees, but I found it to be a fun and challenging hole.

Lastly, the 17th features another big drop from the tee to the green surrounded by the canyon walls.

One of the more interesting moments on the course happens on the par-4 14th. It’s a very straightforward hole, but it is actually bisected by the Nevada/Arizona state line. It seemed we were close to the border when we got to this tee box, so I looked at a satellite map on my phone. At least according to that, the state line runs almost perfectly down the center of the fairway. The hole was tucked on the left portion of the green (technically in AZ if the map is accurate). It was the first time I’ve ever had to putt across state lines and I got a real kick out of that!

The course was in solid, albeit unspectacular, condition for this time of year. It’s about what I've come to expect in Southern Nevada on all but some of the more high-end courses. The tee boxes were fine. The fairways looked better from a distance than up close as the overseed didn't completely fill in. It was kind of thin in some areas and fluffy in others, but mostly decent enough. The rough is semi-dormant bermuda. It was cut way down and easy to hit from. I was in one bunker and it was prototypical NV crunchy, coarse desert sand with some pebbles. The greens were in good shape. They were firm, yet receptive on well-struck shots, rolling smooth at medium/slow speeds. I really wish they were a bit faster, though. 

To me, The Canyons Course falls in a clear 4th place in Mesquite behind Wolf Creek, Conestoga and Falcon Ridge. The only other courses I haven’t played in town are The Palmer Course and Casablanca, so I don’t know how it will rank when I finish up my Mesquite list (hopefully next year). If we hadn’t found such a good deal, I wouldn’t have enjoyed Oasis as much. However, for the price we paid it was a good experience. Just don’t set your expectations too high for conditions in Southern Nevada’s shoulder season. The prices go way up, but you won’t get Palm Springs like post-overseed conditions unless you play some of the upper-tier courses. We could see parts of Wolf Creek from Oasis and it looked incredible. That’s one I still want to go back and play again!

Some pictures from Oasis Golf Club (The Canyons Course) (11/11/17):

The Palmer Course was never part of the original plan, but a quicker-than-expected round on Canyons made it worth considering until we learned they were having an afternoon members tournament on that side. So, we went ahead with our original plan for the late afternoon round...

Coyote Willows Golf Course • Mesquite, NV • 11/11/17

Coyote Willows is the course that not many people outside of Mesquite residents know about. It’s understandable because it’s just a 9-hole course and it’s not meant to compete with the likes of Wolf Creek, Oasis or Conestoga. It really is just a locals course. 

Still, I wanted to play it and check it off my Southern Nevada list. We headed over there and it wasn’t very busy at all when we arrived. We paid $25 to play 9 holes with a cart. That’s certainly quite steep for what you get here, but I guess it’s technically a “value” in Mesquite this time of year when golf rates are really jacked up.

Coyote Willows is a par-35 regulation layout that seems like it has undergone some routing changes in recent years (and may still be in transition). New owners just took over the course in September and their website says more renovations will be forthcoming. Some online sources show a scorecard with a total par of 32 for Coyote Willows, so it would appear some big changes have already taken place. Some of the signage throughout the course (mainly the rock signs on the tee boxes) are way off in terms of yardage, so those are best ignored for now.

The terrain at Coyote Willows is very flat. The course would seem like a good one to walk this time of year, but parts of the course are very spread out and it would be a pain, especially a long walk down the street between holes 2 and 3.

Overall, this course reminded me more of what I’ve played in Yuma rather than what I’ve experienced in Mesquite. It’s a pretty basic design surrounded by a few homes and some desert scrub brush and trees along the outer edges. The holes are pretty wide open and very forgiving, and there’s not much visual definition from tee to green on most holes. 

Still, it’s a solid course and much better than I would have expected. There are some water hazards in play and the setting is pleasant with sweeping desert vistas in every direction. 

The highlight holes here are the 8th and 9th. The 8th is a short par-4 with a ton of water in play. There’s a hazard that runs up the right side and then cuts across what is essentially a peninsula green. The drawings on the scorecard are crude at best and it’s hard to see what the hole does when standing on the tee, so be careful here if it’s your first time. If you can’t fly your drives 290+, then lay up!

The 9th is a real treat as a finisher and it’s a par-3 unlike any other I can recall. A small creek zig-zags back and forth all the way from the tee to the green and the forward tee boxes are interspersed amongst the curves. Some tall reeds and tall tufts of pampas grass line the water and make it a semi-blind shot to the green. The green itself is two-tiered with a large shelf in the middle and it is protected on all sides. I wish I had a drone with me to show the aerial view of the hole because the ground-level shots from the tees don’t really do it justice. The view from behind the green with the sun setting did turn out pretty sweet, though!

Coyote Willows was in okay shape for a course of this caliber. The tee boxes were a bit beat up, but okay enough. The fairways had been overseeded, but were still quite firm and thin. Some holes were nicer than others. The rough was more of a hodge podge with mostly dormant, shaved-down rough, some dead hardpan spots and some more decent grass around the greens. I wasn't in any bunkers. The greens were in good shape, though rolling at pretty slow speeds. 

This is certainly not a destination course and it probably shouldn’t be in the plans for most people planning their Mesquite golf trips. However, it’s a good course for locals to enjoy at a lower price and it’s not a bad one to throw in if you want to get an extra nine holes in. I love that they advertise themselves as “the best 9-hole course in Mesquite.” So what if they’re the only 9-hole course in Mesquite (unless you want to count Beaver Dam across the border in Arizona)!

Some pictures from Coyote Willows Golf Course (11/11/17):

[katrandomtiger]

We’ll Meet Again

Listen. I don’t know either just take it. Read it on AO3

Jack is visiting his grandma in Kentucky when he learns an important lesson about listening to your elders.

Warning: It’s got ghostys. 

Visiting grandma Lori in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere Kentucky was most definitely not at the top of Jack’s to do list. It wasn’t that he didn’t love his grandma, oh no, he adorned the woman, it was just that spending the first week of summer vacation at grandma’s house with mom is not a 17-year-old boy’s favorite thing to do.

Jack sighed melodramatically as he hefted the last of their suitcases out of the suburban. His mom had, of course, decided to take everything but the kitchen sink with her making the unloading process more difficult than it needed to be. Slowly, he slogged up the driveway to the front door of the house.

Grandma’s was just what you would expect from a small rural town, a well-cared for lawn and garden, and a pristine looking house from the 50s. Against the sides of the house were flower beds that were almost choked with ornaments; pinwheels, signs, flags, and most notably was a rather terrifying cement gnome statue that had been sitting by the steps for so long that the paint had almost completely been weathered away. His name was Herbert.

The garage was packed with grandpa Jeff’s old tools and workbench. Cabinets that lined the plain plywood walls were covered in vintage collectables and filled with out-of-date chemicals and potting soil. An old stove sat in the corner next to the cabinet of assorted junk. Grandma’s van took up one half of the floor while the area grandpa’s truck once took up was now occupied by an ancient grill, the picnic table, and an assortment of lawn chairs.

Jack trudged up the stairs and into the kitchen where his mom and grandma were already gossiping as they started supper. Names of people he had met maybe once in his life were being thrown around as he dumped the luggage into the guest room and collapsed onto the couch in the living room. He listened to their banter before he finally fell asleep.

--

A figure watched the blond boy walk up the driveway. Brown eyes skimmed over the familiar broad shoulder and gold hair. A tear escaped as the figured turned from the window and walked into the kitchen.

--

The trip was going better than Jack had anticipated. The trio had spent the day a few towns over shopping in various clothing stores and shopping centers. They met up with one of Lori’s old friends and Jack was treated with some high quality old lady banter over lunch. The women folk had ended the day with a few bags stuffed with their treasures and Jack had also come away with more than a few items for himself. He was inevitably dragged off to church and a meal at the golf course that he was hard-pressed to say was ‘ok’ before they finally returned to grandma’s.

Jack collapsed on the recliner as soon as they made it in the house and pulled out his phone, desperately sending Terry and Russell pleas to save him. He was met with sarcastic replies and a gif of a man running out to his car and running face first into the door. Jack snorted before sending sad face emoji’s and opening a random puzzle game app.

“Jack, we’re going to Carroll’s house,” mom called from the kitchen.

“OK,”

“You coming?”

“No,”

“Jack.” His mother drawled his name in a warning tone causing Jack to sigh.

“I’ll walk down in a few minutes, I need to finish a couple things, ok?”

Mom shook her head before grabbing her jacket and making her way out to the garage. Jack listened for the van leaving the driveway before bolting upright and making his way into the bedroom where he proceeded to dig through the mess in his suitcase.

“Where the hell- AHA!” Jack exclaimed as he pulled out his headphones. He flipped them around and turned the power on as they synced the Bluetooth to his phone. The headphones beeped softly before music began blaring out of them, Jack paused it before meandering out to the kitchen. He walked over to the ancient looking radio that sat on the baker’s rack next to the counter.

For as long as he could remember, even before grandpa passed away, the radio played in the kitchen almost 24/7. The only exceptions were when a lot people were over, when the TV that sat below it was on, or at bed time. Even when they were in the living room watching TV or when they left, the radio stayed on.

Jack glanced out the window that sat over the sink to see if the van was gone, even when he was younger, grandma would warn him not to touch the radio, if anyone turned it off she would go right behind them and turn it back on. That was just the way it was.

He shrugged to himself before hitting the power button and sliding his headphones on. Jack worked his way around the kitchen, tidying the table, washing the few dishes that had collected by the sink, and hunting down his travel mug (it was in the garage). All the while, not noticing the fog building in the corner.

After a while Jack went back to the bedroom and took off his headphones. He ruffled his hair as his stepped out into the living room. It was dead silent apart from the windchimes ringing out front. All the lights had been switched off, leaving the dying sunlight to light the house. Jack stopped abruptly; something wasn’t right.

He stood in the doorway a moment, unease working through every line of his body before he noticed something sitting on top of the TV that hadn’t been there before. Cautiously, he stepped forward picked up the ancient cardboard picture frame. Two men in WWII uniforms stood with their arms wrapped around each other, their features were obscured by age.

Static from the TV broke the silence, the silver light from the screen was suddenly the only source of light in the house. The radio squealed from the kitchen before crackling to life. Jack dropped the frame as he spun around to face the kitchen doorway.

“~We’ll meet again, Don’t know where, Don’t know when~”

“Hello?”

“~ Till the blue skies, Drive the dark skies, Far away~”

“Grandma?”

“~They’ll be happy to know, That as you saw me go, I was singing this song~”

“HELLO? ANYBODY?” Jack’s calls bordered on frantic, he didn’t dare move from his spot in the only bit of visible light.

The light in the china hutch flickered to life before a horrendous screeching flooded the room, forcing Jack to drop to the carpet with his ears covered. He closed his eyes tight and yelled in pain before he passed out.

“~Next take, Billy, have the trumpets stand at uh- uh- at 37 as well as uhh- in the introduction~”

The sudden lack of harsh noise brought Jack back to consciousness. Jack laid there a moment, unwilling to open his eyes until he heard shoes shuffling past him. He looked up hesitantly only to find the room around him in brown and white, like the vintage photo. A man in slacks and a dress shirt stood in the archway between the kitchen and living room.

“~E 30000 211 take 11~”

The man was beautiful. Dark skinned, goatee, perfectly brushed curls, and a wicked grin curling his lips. The man’s face softened as another person stepped out of the bedroom. The new arrival was barely colored by the browns of the room, something about him was familiar. Jack stared wide eyed at him; he had no face.

“~I found you just in time, I found you just in time, Before you came my time, Was running low~”

They turned to each other and the darker man smiled as he slid an arm around the other’s waist and slowly pulled him into a dance.

“~Now you’re here, And now I know just where I’m going, No more doubt or fear, I’ve found my way~”

Jack watched in fascination as the two shuffled around the kitchen to the sounds of the ancient radio. He slowly stood and followed them into the room. The kitchen was different than the one he remembered, it was smaller, the carpet had been replaced by laminate tile and the appliances were even older than what his grandma kept. Jack glanced at the corner and dread filled his chest; the radio was the same.

“~For love came just in time, You found me just in time, And changed my, Lonely life that lovely, Lonely life that lovely, Lonely life that lovely day~”

The world twisted under Jack’s feet, the walls warped, the painting over the table seemed to melt down the wall, the only thing not affected by the sudden corruption was the radio. The dancers continued across the rolling floorboards as Jack scrambled across what was left of the floor, wood splintered and broke under his feet as he ran for the radio. He managed to grab the counter just as the floor dropped out from under him.

Desperately holding on for dear life, he looked over his shoulder to where the dancers had been only to see the darker man in the corner sobbing over the bloody corpse of his partner, a gun in his hand. Jack scrambled up the cabinet when the man spotted him, an inhuman scream escaped his throat as he fired at Jack.

Blood spattered Jack’s vision and he dropped into the void below, he fell for what felt like an eternity before he landed with a thud in the middle of the living room again, the radio still playing. He shot into a seated position and frantically patted himself down, checking for bullet wounds.

The radio crackled as the music warped and cut out. Jack hesitantly stood and tiptoed back to the kitchen, fear coursing through his body. The fog that had been building in the corner spit static and buzzed when Jack poked his head through the doorway. Jack jumped and stared wide eyed as the fog contorted into a semi-human shape, hissing pitifully as it went.

Sinatra sputtered back to life on the radio as the figure approached him. Jack stood frozen in fear as the foggy creature wrapped a gaseous arm around his waisted and tugged him closer. He couldn’t make out the song through the ever-warping speakers of the radio.

“J-Jaj-Jaaaaaaaaahhhh- CK-,” the creature spit as it forced him into step with the nonexistent tempo.

Tears spilled down Jacks cheeks as he was dragged through whatever dance the thing was trying to do. He shook violently in its arms, trying to keep in step for fear of the repercussions. They made their way around the kitchen until they were back by the radio.

“J-Jaaaaahh- C- Ck- ieeeee,” it screeched, “L-l-oOOoo-vve yOooU. S-s-sooorrRyyy,” a staticy sob burst from the cloud, “FffforrgiVe g-gaabbi?”

Jack gawked at it, trying to understand it’s words, before he nodded jerkily, “Y-yes, I forgive Gabi.”

The fog screeched again and Jack found himself face to face with the dark man. His body was slightly transparent and his legs disappeared below the knee. Tears ran down his face as he gripped Jack’s arms and pulled him into an embrace.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Jackie. Jack. I love you. It was an accident. Jack, I’m so sorry,” the man repeated over and over, burying his face in Jack’s hair.

“I-it’s ok,” Jack stuttered, awkwardly patting the man’s back, “I forgive you. I’m sure your Jack forgives you too. You should go to him. Please, go.”

The ghost pulled back after a moment and looked him in the eye, “Thank you.”

The room blurred and Jack woke up on the floor in front of the TV. The house was quiet and the kitchen light was on. He crawled out to the kitchen to turn the radio back on, only to find it was gone. A small carving of a barn owl with two rings around its neck sat in the radio’s place.

Jack stood and picked up the carving and turned it over, reading the inscription on the bottom.

Jack Morrison & Gabriel Reyes ~ 1954

He slumped into the chair next to him and rubbed his eyes. After a moment, he got up and put his shoes on before heading out the door to Aunt Carroll’s house.

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 58 - NJD - The Room

Yea, I guess there still in the race even if it is a distant third. The race for the final wildcard spot has felt… hopeless at times. At some point in that game against the Rangers something snapped in me. You can talk yourself into a lot of things in life: putting off the laundry for too long, being lazy on your car registration until the Cop pulls you over, buying a Brian Gionta jersey that won’t even fit you. I was still able to talk myself into the Sabres making the playoffs before Friday night. I’m not so sure anymore. Sure, as of the posting of this blog Buffalo is a full five points back on first team out Carolina while Philadelphia is now breathing down their necks dead even in points while the Sabres have a game in hand. There is a scenario that could unfold here where the Hurricanes make the playoffs and the Flyers are the first team out. I mean Pittsburgh missing the playoffs would be fun but that’s like ordering a garbage plate and getting just the pasta salad: yeah, this isn’t bad, but the nature of this situation had me believing I would get quite a bit more. Yeah, our expectations were inflated by November but I’m not relitigating that again and I think all reasonable observers were placing the Sabres on the bubble back in September. We’re still on that bubble but who would have thought bubbles hurt so much to sit on? Luckily the Playoff Trash talk is out of the way for the Devils because I really don’t have the heart for that. I turned this game off after the Reinhart goal. Yeah, after it because I felt that hopeless. My dad messaged me because we have our cute little Sabres chat with my brother and he, perhaps for not knowing hockey so well (he’s more of a football guy), thought a one goal deficit wasn’t too much to overcome. He messaged me that in the third period and shortly thereafter admitted himself it was time to turn the game off. Get someone in your life who knows when to turn it off.

So, I know last game I said I wasn’t going to do the goal for goal recap and ended up doing it. I mean it for real this time: I just don’t have a recap in me. I was at the last game against the Devils and it wasn’t shit: in fact, Buffalo won 5-1 in a game that kind of felt liberating after the stretch of games before it. Buffalo lost 4-1 tonight and it looked like a different team. Sam Reinhart scored the one Sabres goal in this game, it was a nice rebound tap in when the game was still 2-1. I don’t feel the need to recap any of the Devils goals because they are folks I don’t follow regularly on a team that not only will not be a threat if the Sabres do pull a playoff berth out of their asses, but are likely one of the next teams to be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs after the Senators led the way into that abyss earlier this week. How long until the Sabres join those sad ranks? As recently as last week I thought this group of guys could pull off a tight race going into March and here we are with 24 games left and they don’t even look like they want it anymore. Yeah, once again a lot of stuff was said in the locker room after this game and I will get to that but what is it? What is the thing in the room that is holding them back? They lost to a Cory Schneider in this game who hadn’t won a game in a calendar year up until recently! I could rationalize the recent loss to Winnipeg as a tight game lost by inches. This one looked like a surrender. How is the team that led the whole league in November, however much that was obviously an aberration, coming out in a playoff race game like this? Something isn’t right in the room and apparently this is the only recourse for guys like me who don’t want to throw Jack Eichel and Rasmus Dahlin under the bus. It’s either there is something wrong in the room or we need to discuss our brightest stars not living up to potential. The former is the solution we opted for after last season’s utter shitshow. Botterill shipped Ryan O’Reilly out and if you’re decrying that trade now, you’re missing the forest for the trees. The latter option is too depressing to contemplate when we’re going on eight years without Sabres playoff hockey.

Is Jason Botterill going to do anything about this state of affairs? You know I’m not convinced the playoffs was ever the internal goal for this season. Every professional organization has the external goal which is fixed squarely on winning games, making the playoffs and winning a Stanley Cup. The internal goal is the real shit you get from the insiders like Friedman and McKenzie. We all pegged this team as a bubble team. Did Jason Botterill and the Front Office decide they were going to get Reinhart signed, then Skinner and make minor moves at the Trade Deadline and continue to build at the Draft and over the summer? The lack of movement at this awful moment seems to suggest that and the deadline a week from tomorrow stands to prove it. Yeah, Botts could make a splash and signal he wants this group to make the playoffs now. Frankly I’m desperate for that outcome to the point of not feeling the need to spell out exactly which trades I’m ok with and which ones I’m not. This ship looks to be going down right now but it isn’t below the waterline yet. And oh yes, I am past the point of bandying about around Phil Housley and his strategic decisions. We got our Scandella-less game and you see how well that went! I’m out of answers on the ice but the scarier part is that I am running out of answers in the Front Office now too. Was Housley’s comments about only having what the GM gave him to work with merry conservation starters over wings and Pearl Street? I’m not saying the GM needs to act in spite in response to those comments but what’s going on? What is going on? I really lead myself to believe we were in a hot new smart organization after the wild offseason last year and now I’m not so sure about that either. The jury is still out on that but in terms of the shot at a playoff spot I feel like the deliberations may be coming to an end.

But it isn’t over yet! Let’s get to our handsome ice soldiers in the locker room! What consolation do they have for us? Phil Housley said: “We’re still in this race.” I am not wasting my time dissecting the “we” and “in this race” right now with him. At this point we’re running about a 50/50 chance he’s completely lost the room morale wise. Us fans always make mountains out of mole hills but let’s look and listen to how the players felt. Sam Reinhart, visibly frustrated at being asked “…are you guys just about toast?” responded saying “we in the room don’t feel like we’re out of it at all.” It seems like that question came from media man Donald Trump warned you about Mike Harrington with the News, so I’ll let Samson off on that one. Zach Bogosian, okay yeah why not, let’s go to Zach Bogosian who responds to similar questioning about what makes him think this team can put together a few wins going forward here with: “It’s because of all the guys in this room here. I believe in them.” Okay, even if they’re losing faith in the coach if they can work together as a team that’s something, right? Fuck if I know. If their united there in the room, God bless them: I hope it results in more than just a festive golf trip in April. Captain Jack? I’m sure someone got words from him but I know he’s taking this hard so I’ll sit back and see if he’s going to hoist this group out of it. I won’t be grilling him about why he’s not scoring at the same clip he was in the middle of December. I’m sure he’s lifting twice as hard because of this slump. Three times as hard for the team itself.

There are no matchups over the next two weeks that inspire much of any confidence. If you are expecting to count potential W’s down the stretch here just trust me and don’t for your own mental health. I think we’re past that point now. These guys need to string 3 to 5 wins together now to even look like competitors for that last spot so take it easy now. Take solace in the fact that this less-than-hopeful calculus is happening after Valentine’s Day this season and not before Thanksgiving. There’s progress right there even if it’s not the advancement we wanted. Hey, the Rochester Americans are holding onto a division lead and stand to capture that title for the first time this decade. I’m enjoying that and you can look for this month’s Amerks Angle in the near future celebrating that. The Americans rough stretches last for three maybe four games. You can comfortably speculate about playoff matchups with them and if that’s what you’re looking for I recommend it over looking for rays of lights right now with the Sabres. Like, share and comment and the internet algorithms that curate our lives will cause us to meet again soon for that good time. In the meantime, I think we can take in trade deadline rumors with a not completely unrealistic hope that something may develop to change what we’re going through right now on this crazy roller coaster that is Sabres fandom. Let’s Go Buffalo.

Thanks for reading.

P.S. I can’t believe I got this done tonight. It’s better than starting a Monday off this way, eh?

[junker-town]

Tiger Woods did not win The Open but his Sunday was a triumph

It feels like Tiger Woods is going to win again, and that feeling alone is the great achievement of the final stage of his career.

A defining trait of the first decade of Tiger Woods��� career is that he took situations that felt like they needed a miracle and made them inevitable. This happened time and again and without fail. This ball is in a funky lie on the side of bunker and needs to fly 200 yards to get to the green? That seems impossible but it’s definitely happening. This putt from 40 feet is like a 1-in-20 chance but it’s definitely going in to force a playoff. These situations ranged from specific shots to entire rounds to entire months, and Tiger just overwhelmed the odds with an inevitability that never quite computed.

After the last five years of back surgeries, golf embarrassments and personal embarrassments, it seemed likely last summer that Tiger would never play competitive golf again. The thought that he would win again was a hopelessly romantic notion. The thought that he would win a major again was the province of only the most delusional and scary Tiger-fanboy corners of the Internet.

We overhype and over-critique everything related to Woods. Trying to seriously frame an accomplishment or failure in the world of Tiger, which has a 20-year library of overhype and overreaction, is fraught with pitfalls. Tiger left without the Claret Jug on Sunday. In a prior act of his career, that would be a failure. Now? The experience of the day, the solo lead on the back nine of a major, is a triumph.

These last five years of injuries and ignominy were an inexorable plunge on the way to forced retirement and disappearance from public life. A year ago, the proper position was that it would take a miracle for Tiger to win again. It now feels inevitable that he’s going to win again, maybe as soon as next week at Firestone. I don’t know that it’s going to happen, but it feels like it will. And Tiger just getting us back to that feeling is one of the great achievements of his career.

Here are five more thoughts on Tiger’s Sunday at the Open.

1. I think Tiger set out the template for how he’s going to try and do this going forward. It’s far different than how he won his first 14 majors and also a sign that greatest golf mind ever has been re-activated.

It was fascinating to hear him say he was trying to “build his way” into the championship. When he was 30, he’d grab control of a major over the first two days, hold a nice cushion, and spend the weekend slowly bleeding out the rest of the field. He’s never won a major coming from behind, but in all likelihood, that’s what he’s going to have to do to get one in this late stage of his career. There’s too much talent in the game now and Tiger is not capable of dominating a major like used to.

This week he hung back for two days, then got super aggressive in the middle of his Saturday round to charge into contention, and started Sunday letting the leaders fall apart ahead of him. It worked for 64 holes.

2. In the moment, Tiger’s round was a fun Sunday high. All the soaring words about how great it was to have him leading on Sunday of a major again were appropriate, even in the overwrought world of Tiger. After coming down from the high though, it also feels appropriate to acknowledge that Tiger’s still not fully there on the closing stretches of tournaments.

The intervening injuries and miserable play of the last five years obscured the fact that this was also mayyyybe kinda sort of a problem back in 2013 when he was healthy and generally playing well, as he did this week. It’s really been an issue throughout the post-hydrant era (Alan Shipnuck’s term), certainly at the majors.

Golf Channel’s postgame show, Live From The Open, heaped praise on how Tiger swung and looked on Sunday. But they also entered a few things into evidence to support the argument that he is still having trouble closing. Brandel Chamblee said he hit five or six fairways on every nine this week, until the final nine, when he hit just one. He’s also made a whole bunch of messes all season on the final 9 of 72 holes. There was that ball he pumped out-of-bounds at Bay Hill. And the water balls at The Players.

Here’s a graphic from the segment, which I think is worth watching for even the most ardent Tiger truthers.

This is not just to pour cold water on a great day. On balance, Tiger’s Open, and his entire season, is an amazing accomplishment. But once he had the solo lead and we got to the back nine, the charge went off the rails with a 3-over stretch in two holes. It’s worth acknowledging that recent history as you examine if and when and where Tiger can win again.

3. I am going to detour into the feelings zone so if it gets a little too treacly for you, feel free to hop off and meet us up at the next stop. I won’t be offended.

The odds are, you will never be able to do a thing as well as all of these pro golfers do their one thing. Some fly around the world in private jets. They make great money playing a game. It’s not a relatable existence. But most of them, even the richest and most talented, have a relatable tentacle of some sort.

Tiger Woods is not one. He’s been groomed in a bubble to be a golfer since he was a toddler. His social life was abnormal or nonexistent. Then he became the most famous athlete in the world and it became even more abnormal, and shielded. Tiger is an ultra-famous automaton that doesn’t seem relatable in any way.

My five-year-old is starting to watch pro golf, pick up some of the names, and get into it a little bit. He watched Sunday and when I put him to bed, he exclaimed, “Hey did you know Tiger Woods is a dad and a golfer?” He was so excited to tell me this and discover it on Sunday when he saw Tiger with his kids after the round.

Tiger-as-dad is the most relatable part of the 14-time major winner. In his post-round press conference, talking about his kids and putting on that Sunday show for them, was the most emotional I can recall seeing him since he won his last Open. That was 2006, his first major after his dad’s death, and he burst into tears on his caddie’s shoulder. At this press conference, he had to stop, his eyes got a little watery, he gulped multiple times, and he had to stop as he pushed out his thoughts.

“I told them I tried,” he said about meeting his kids on the 18th green. “I know that they know how much this championship means to me and how much it feels good to be back playing again. It’s so special to have them aware because I’ve won a lot of golf tournaments in my career but they don’t remember any of them. For them to understand, what I was doing early in my career, the only thing they’ve seen are my struggles.”

This is a variation of what Tim Rosaforte relayed before the round and what Tiger told us last November, when he said his kids have only known him as a “YouTube golfer.” Watching him get emotional about his kids was relatable. That stated reward of being able to show out for them feels genuine, and motivating.

4. We’re off the saccharine stuff and on to an important investigation that the R&A, and really the entire country of Scotland, must commence at once, if they haven’t already. Have we ferreted out who shouted from the corporate chalets in the middle of Tiger’s back swing on the 18th tee? We can track down anything with today’s technology. I’m assuming we can isolate at least which corporation had that specific chalet. My money would be on a little outfit out of Austria, Red Bull GmbH, and I’d expect nothing but the harshest sanctions.

5. Tiger keeps repeating that this year is a “gift” and a blessing. He said the thought of even playing in the British Open, let alone leading on a Sunday, seemed unlikely to him at the end of 2017, as he waited to see if he’d ever be able to take full golf swings again.

Golf was in a fine spot with so many young superstars. The game is as deep as its ever been. The Tiger era was an anomaly you can’t replicate. Those TV ratings are not coming back and it’s futile to try and force it with this next generation of stars. But the gift, for that next generation and us, is that we now have a competitive Tiger actually joining the battle in a real way.

With Tiger back playing well, some of the young stars are more candid about just how uncompetitive he was the last few years. Dustin Johnson, Rickie Fowler, and Justin Thomas, who played with him off-camera down in South Florida, have all hinted at it with some gentle “yeahhhhh it wasn’t very good” comments. They have said they wanted the “real” Tiger back on a leaderboard so they could face him.

Now they’re getting it. We had Jordan Spieth, Rory McIlroy, and Tiger Woods all on one leaderboard on Sunday. That is a gift, y’all. The younger players seem to know it, too. Jack Nicklaus would always talk about how he’d look at a leaderboard and only pick one or two players (and sometimes none) that really worried him and he felt he needed to beat. McIlroy said he now throws Tiger in with the DJs, Spieths, JTs et al as one of the real contenders he looks for on a leaderboard. Spieth was grinning as talked a discussion he had with his caddie as they looked up at the leaderboard and saw Tiger coming at them. That is very cool.

Those are two already Hall-of-Famers, 15 to 20 years younger than Tiger, relishing the experience of Sunday almost as much as the fans watching from home. Tiger coming back and being competitive in any context is an incredible story. The cross-generational battles it might yield, however, should not be an overlooked side effect. Players like Spieth and Rory make the Tiger comeback even more appealing, positioning him as this old man underdog,

We may never get Sunday at the Open again. That may be Tiger’s last, best chance at a major before some other injury creeps in or his game recedes or the younger players just run away from him. But it’s unlikely. It seems like we’re going to get Tiger in contention again with some consistency. Tiger has turned what a year ago felt like a fantasy — real, competitive golf, Sunday back nine major leads — into a feeling of inevitability. Whether he wins another major or not, in the context of this stage of his career, for that reason alone, he’s back.

[jamessiimon]

Nabbit, Boof or Mushy, Madz or Moo. You’re still Jack and Mady to me.

With my decision to leave my home country to pursue my career came an enormous amount of emotions. Excitement for the adventure, nervousness for the unknown, confidence and courage even if it was faked and of course sadness, remorse and loneliness as I left everything to find my everything. But these were just my emotions.

When I first said my goodbyes and crossed into the unknown territory of the international departure lounge, I found myself in a tsunami of emotions, my own emotions and it was not until I returned months later that I understood my decision affected more than just me, but also my close friends, family and colleagues and to a degree that I didn’t even realise.

I have a very close bond with my family. My brother, sister and I (or I should say me and either one of them) rarely fought, we were always together and with the signatures on the divorce certificate of our parent they became more than just my bro and sis. It was so eloquently put by my Nonno (grandfather) “you are now the man of the house and they are now your responsibility. Your brother, your sister but most of all your mother” and from that day as he declared they were my, responsibility.

We grew up in a crazy family of five in the south-eastern suburbs of Melbourne, Australia. My brother and I were always considered twins from people even though we had eighteen months difference in age; we were the same height, were about the same size, wore the same clothes and did everything together. When I was five my parents enrolled me into Auskick, just as many four-year-old children are. Auskick is the Saturday morning activity for kids to practise and learn the rules of AFL, Australian Football League. Four year old me was not very interested in football but my two an a half year old brother was crazy about it, pity you had to be turning five within the year to enrol. So on the second Saturday of April, a few days after my brothers third birthday the family all go to the football ground to see my first day at Auskick. Two things happened that day; one, my parents realised that their son maybe gay and two, my brother got a birthday present he was obsessed by. Five year old me instead of wanting to kick and catch the odd shaped ball and tackle the other children to the ground for it was too busy doing cartwheels and making daisy chains. Never the less the next Saturday morning the person the coach thought was Simon looked slightly different and went from a distracted pansy to a focussed participant. For two years “Simon” was a eager player that showed some potential, until he disappeared and his younger brother came along who looked very similar if not identical.

As we were so close we did everything together, we were hardly inside, always on our BMXs riding through the mountains or to the lake or anywhere we imagined to go. The only rule, be back before dark, a feat that brought on more stress than the final exams at school. I remember one time being at the park hitting golf balls around trying to see who could hit them the furthest and most accurate. I thought at one moment that he had hit me with one of his balls and turned around to find him behind with his ball in hand, again and again we were hit. Turns out it was a freak hail storm that destroyed houses and cars, and there we were in singlets and short trying to not be knocked out in the middle of the park. He was the brawn and I the brains and we were always up to something. We used our motorbike like a boat and ‘ski” behind it in the grass destroying the brand new jeans that mother had just purchased, try to spear on another with a length of electrical pipe while riding home on our bikes or build ramps that were technically not safe to jump with scooters, bike or toy car.

All of these ‘adventures’ came with a risk of injury, but that was just part of it. We used to tell our parents while they towed us on the biscuit behind that boat (its like a inflatable doughnut but flat like a mattress) to try their hardest to throw us off. One time with a freak wave from another boat my cousin, brother and I were thrown 2-3m in the air, I was catapulted so high that I had a moment to look at my cousin who was higher than me trying to swim in the open air. As I descended I landed on my brother and we broke the towrope as he thought he had broken his arm. There was also the time that while playing in the long grass in the spare lot next to our house my brother decided that his entry would consist of a belly flop. Little to his knowledge the builders of our extension had dumped their extra concrete in the lot. Nine stitches and a knee flap of skin exposing his patella later gave my brother the life lesson of look before you leap.

My brother is as stubborn as my mother so much so that if he wants to do something he will. No matter the danger or how many warnings from other people he may hear, it is in one ear and out of the other as he hurdles towards his goal. This stubbornness lead to a scooter accident causing him a broken arm, no bother to my brother as it turns out, it could be used in cricket to create a foul from the bowler and extra points (I don’t know the reason) and this only surfaced after the third time in a month my mother returned to the hospital to replace his cast. This stubbornness also sent him to the emergency department for reconstructive surgery to his skull. My brother and I were taking it in turns to shower (as you do when you’re young) while my mother got our two-year-old sister ready for bed. He was in the shower and I, waiting for my turn to hop in, was walking along the baths edge. He finished showering and with a “what ever you can do I can do better” attitude. He also walked along the side of the bath the only difference being that I was dry while doing it. He slips, hits his head on the porcelain soap holder, cracking his skull causing a 5 cm hole and severing a main artery. I have never seen so much blood and have never screamed so loud for help!

My sister was also stubborn and with an attitude of “I don’t need to listen as I know everything”. This attitude and two older brothers allowed her to have experienced life in a “keep up or don’t play” way. After not listening to me and my cousins warnings of the monkey bars being slippery as it was wet, she fell and broke her arm, which she was not allowed to tell mum as we were worried to get in trouble and it was her fault. Three hours later we told them what had happened and she went to hospital. She has been accidently hit with basketballs, golf clubs, cricket bat, clumps of grass with dirt attached and bikes due to her inability to listen. She has thrown her shoes into creeks, completely fallen into rivers and has been used as a human umbrella to stop my brother and I becoming wet in a downpour of rain. She has rode her bike through puddles that were over a metre deep, has sun stroke almost every summer that I can remember and is as blonde as barbie. But none of this will change the fact that she is our younger sister.

One of the hardest and scariest things that I have had to say to them is that “I am gay”. I was not so nervous to tell my mother and stepfather, as I knew their reaction would be a supportive one and my sister was excited to go shopping with her gay brother. My brother on the other hand frightened me so much that it took me two days after telling the other members of the family to build the courage to tell him. He was playing video games in his room with his girlfriend laying next to him as I walked in asking him to talk about something.

“yeah, yeah, after this round”

“no I really need to tell you something”

“yeah, ok, wait!”

then his girlfriend (at the time) got up and turns off the TV, “your brother needs to talk with you”

“what?”

And I am standing in the doorway thinking I can just say nothing and run away…

“I have met someone and I kind of like them… But that someone is not a girl”

I paused for a slight moment to remember all the good times that we have had together before the words left my mouth just in case it changed everything…

“Jack, I am gay”

I shut my eyes as its always less scary when your eyes are shut…

“But you’re still my brother aren’t you? And nothing changes between us?”

“no of course not”

“Than why did you have to turn off the game? It is live player and you cannot pause it!”

My mother is my rock as I am hers. She is a lady that will and has always given everything to her kids even if she couldn’t afford to, much of this going unnoticed by many but not me, I know it mother. She has been through a lot in her life and is always head held high and strong no matter the life challenge. But let me shy away from the bad moments and remember the better. The time that she nominated herself to be guardian of a group of my friends in primary school during a trip to the zoo leaving the kids to run wild in the walk through bird cage as she was afraid of birds. I think we were there for 30mins until another group came and the guardian could collect all the children and my mother to walk through the cage. She has taught me the importance of respect, to drive, to believe in myself, how to overcome any situation and the skill of eating chicken nuggets with dipping sauce while driving a manual 4WD as she sees it as a “handy life” skill. She taught me the way to create the perfect cock-sucking cowboy shot and after 11 rounds how to draw the Olympic rings. We have had long chats with red wine leading to a surprise Ab-Circle pro to be delivered two weeks later, we have shopped until we couldn’t walk anymore, have been to a cigar lounge to sample whisky (my brothers idea) and ran out of a dodgy taxi without paying. She has raised three amazing children and I am proud to call her mother.

When I was 16 going on 17 a special man walked into my mother’s world and fixed something that now will remain forever his. This man allowed me to take back apart of my adolescence he took some of my responsibility of supporting my family and with this took a part of the weight that was on my shoulders. I was for a long time unable to accept this as it was not his responsibility but he ensured me that he meant no harm and by doing so allowed me to be an actual 17 year old again. He walked into a broken family filled with hormonal teenagers and was “not going to leave no matter the situation as he loved my mother”. Walking her down the aisle to the man that has her heart, words cannot describe that feeling.

My family has been through a lot but throughout everything the only thing we have remained is a strong entity, a family. I am sorry in a way that my life goals have hurt some close friends and my family. But in another way I am not. Without their support, my adventure would have been impossible. I believe in myself but when I don’t you’re there. I will fix any situation that may arise, but if I need you, you’re there. I am 17,000km away but with a call you’re there. I miss you and I know you miss me but think of the adventure you’ll have when you’re here!

I guess what I am trying to say with all this is we are family we have been and always will be no matter where we are in our life or in the world. I love you and miss you. But most of all I need to say Mum, Tino, Jack, Mady and all of my supporters, Thank you.

[aykimra]

Color Me Surprised

Chapter 3 [2] [1]

Word Count 2.2k

Rating Mature

AO3 Link [x]

Summary Jeremy’s hair color changes based on his emotions, and Ryan is more than a little intrigued.

Jeremy wasn't usually the type of person who minded silence while at work. They talked almost continuously for multiple hours every day, so any little break in between filming was actually always welcomed with open arms.

Needless to say, he could understand why Ryan might have a headache after a live podcast. However, that didn't stop him from feeling concerned for the man. He much preferred when they could talk and jeer as loud as they pleased, and Ryan wore a wide grin to show how much he truly enjoyed it.

With a huff, he pulled up the hood of his sweatshirt, tightening the strings just enough to where it wouldn't slide off his head with the slightest movement. Jeremy would much rather the others didn't notice the mix of lilac and grey that he caught a glimpse of from his reflection in the monitor.

He was worried, and while there was nothing wrong with that, he didn't want anyone asking any questions.

Well, there actually weren't many people around who paid attention to the little nuances of his hair color. Only Ryan seemed to notice the subtle shifts, and act according to each one. Unfortunately though, he was the one causing the change at the moment, and if he saw, then he would certainly want to do something about it.

To be truthful, Jeremy hadn't really noticed it at first. It was obvious to tell if someone was avoiding a certain subject because it had previously made his hair blaze red. But, it was more difficult when the action was as slight as Ryan continuing to run his mouth about something because a slight orange had overtaken the strands.

But now that he'd seen it, Jeremy couldn't seem to stop. And he was astonished about how much he had apparently been missing, just because he wasn't paying attention enough. And what was even more amazing, was how much he craved seeing those little acts. He couldn't do anything about his emotions, of course, but he'd never been more grateful to be human with a heart at the mercy of his surroundings.

It was just that Ryan was incredibly kind. Even more so off camera than on. That is, when he wasn't playing the part of some madman. The fact that he'd take time out of his day, or switch up his routine just because of a silly emotion seemed crazy, but maybe that was just because nobody had ever done it before.

It had always seemed in the past that people would use Jeremy's hair to their own benefit, rather than his. They'd talk cautiously whenever he was angry, and even more so when he was sad. They'd offer generic, sympathetic words that held no real emotion, and he'd long since learned that they were only spoken as a safeguard; they could say 'hey, I tried,' if his mood didn't improve.

He supposed that he was thankful he didn't shift to blue too often. In fact, he didn't think that color had overtaken his head since before he began working for Achievement Hunter. Jeremy didn't think he could take it if Ryan saw him that way.

What would the man do? Would he be just the same as everyone else, unable to deal with that rare change?

He was a bit frightened to find out. At least he was pleased with his life at the moment. It didn't seem like something he would have to deal with anytime soon.

But, then again, emotions were always unpredictable.

"Jeremy?" came a quieter than usual voice from the other side of the room. Ryan's headache must not have completely left yet. "Is your computer still working? Everything look okay?"

He looked up from the screen to meet the man's eyes, and he didn't miss the strange expression Ryan was wearing, although everyone else probably would have. He knew that wearing his hoodie up was a bit strange, since he usually didn't bother in the office, but he ignored the gaze's meaning in favor of answering the actual question posed to him, rather than the silent one.

"It's great. Thanks for fixing it, Ryan," he said with a genuine grin, and that seemed enough to make the man nod, smiling back slightly before looking down at his own work once again.

He sighed to himself, reaching one hand up to tug at the fabric over his head, making sure it remained in place. Ryan cared too much, the bastard.

A loud clang drew his attention to his right, and he looked to see Gavin fiddling around with the mess on his desk, and a controller now resting on the floor behind him.

"What the hell, man?" Michael spoke first, asking what Jeremy was sure they were all wondering.

"Leaned too far back in the damn chair," the man muttered, spinning around to grab what he'd apparently dropped as he saved himself from falling backwards. Well, it was his own fault for leaning back in a chair with wheels, and Jeremy scoffed a laugh at the thought.

"Are we filming anything today?" Michael asked in an effort to change the subject, after letting out a long suffering sigh that was surely directed towards the man on his right.

"Not much to do in GTA or Minecraft without Geoff or Jack," Ryan hummed.

"We could do VR the Champions or something," Gavin suggested, but Jeremy shook his head.

"We don't have any games right now that we haven't already done a video in," and at Ryan's agreement on that matter, he continued, "We should do something new if we're gonna through with setting that shit up."

While that was a large factor in his not wanting to film a VR game, Jeremy couldn't deny the fact that he was also still concerned about Ryan's headache. Something fun and more laid back would be easier on him, rather than having to stand and move around. Besides, a lot of the fans ate up those types of casual videos. "Let's just do something easy and fun, where we can just fuck around," he finished.

The were thoughtful noises from around the room as the others considered their options, and Michael actually opened up Steam to look through his games list. "Fun and easy, fun and easy," the man muttered to himself as he scrolled. And then, a victorious chuckle. "Ah, what about we golf with our friends? We're friends, right?" he laughed.

"I would assume so," Ryan replied dryly, although if Jeremy looked around his monitor just right, he could see a little smile of amusement tugging at the man's lips that betrayed his tone.

"Well, we could film something in that? I mean, I'm sure we can pull something entertaining out of our asses for a video," Michael hummed with a scoff.

"Yeah, I'm fine with that," Jeremy agreed quickly, and as the other two did the same, they all began setting up to film.

"How's your head, Ryan?" he asked the man after a few minutes, when he stood up to do some adjustments to his mic stand.

Glancing over only once as he fiddled around with his microphone, the man gave a short nod. "It's better. Although, I'm still glad I don't have to stand around in that hot as hell headset." And, when he finally stood up straight again, the smile he gave looked so much like a thank you that Jeremy couldn't help but to offer his own grin in reply.

"Facecams or not?" Gavin questioned the room then, and they all paused for a moment before shrugging.

"I don't think we need to," Michael said, and Ryan agreed with a "Nah," and a shake of his head.

"Alright," the British man said, leaning back in his chair. "Then I'm ready."

"Yup, same here," Jeremy agreed, starting his audio and capture and then syncing before they stated the video as officially started.

"So uh, what kind of video is this? Are we just golfin' like friends, or is there gonna be some sort of competition here?" Ryan questioned as they looked through the game's setting, choosing the course number, and their golf balls.

"Oh, there's always competition in golf, Ryan," Michael said with a little breath of laughter.

"Alright, that's true, I guess. Any particularly special rules, then?"

"Losers each give the winner ten bucks," Gavin suggested instantly.

"You wanna lose ten bucks that bad?" Jeremy teased, which earned him a chuckle from all of them.

"Eh, it's just ten bucks," the man said with a shrug, although that wouldn't be picked up by his audio recording.

"How about last place buys lunch tomorrow?" Michael suggested instead, ignoring Gavin's words as the first hole loaded up and they began aiming their shots. It was a relatively simple one, so it only took one hit to get close to the hole.

"Can they choose where to go?" Jeremy asked, easily following along with what he knew wouldn't come to fruition. It was one thing to accept a bet of two dollars from Gavin, but forking over the cost of lunch for four was going a little far.

"As long as it's somewhere good," Michael laughed.

"Deal," Ryan agreed after only a second's thought, and Jeremy looked at him in surprise.

"Seriously?" He asked, eyebrows raised, ignoring the game for just a moment. "You'll really buy the three of us lunch if you lose?"

"I might not lose."

"Ryan," Michael said with another laugh. "Remember 3D Ultra Mini Golf? You lost pretty fucking badly there."

"Listen, the one round fucked me, alright? I think I did okay in the other parts," he replied in a jesting affronted tone.

"This is only one round. If you lose you lose," Jeremy cut in to remind him.

"Oh, I know. I'm agreeing to the terms. Lunch is on me tomorrow, for those in this room right now, if I lose."

"Well, fine. I guess I'll agree too, if Ryan and Michael do," Jeremy muttered as he finally looked back to his screen. it appeared as though he was the last to take the final shot, and he sunk the ball in with one hit.

"Well, we're all tied at par with that hole. I'll fucking do it," Michael said. "So, Gav, are you in?"

"Yeah, I mean, chances are, I'll get a free lunch."

"Or you'll just fucking lose horribly," Jeremy laughed.

"Or that," the man murmured, sounding mildly worried.

"Well boys," Jeremy declared suddenly, "We've got ourselves a competition." And then, they began seriously, and put in as much effort as possible while still being sure that the video would be entertaining once it came out.

                                                       ~~~~~~~~~~

Ryan couldn't exactly say that he was surprised to find himself sitting in last after their decided eight holes, with a wonderful score of +19. He'd certainly done worse in less time before, yet he still managed to lose to the others this round.

Though, he also couldn't say that he was upset. After all, he'd been the first to agree to buy lunch, so having to do so wasn't really a problem. In fact, it was almost the opposite.

"So what are we having to eat tomorrow, Ryan?" Gavin asked with a wide grin once the recordings were all stopped and saved, ready to go for editing.

As if in thought, he hummed for a moment, but never really had any plans to chose the place he'd be buying from in the first place. "Jeremy, what do you want for lunch tomorrow?"

"Huh?" the man looked up, confusion clear across his face. Ryan smiled lightly at the sight. That was exactly what he wanted. "You're asking me? You get to choose, y'know."

"Yeah, but I don't wanna. Pick for me, Lil J."

A bright green could just barely be seen as it bloomed underneath the man's hoodie, and Ryan caught sight of a bit peeking out from the front, the color vibrantly noticeable. Jeremy was silent for a while, obviously thinking over the question he'd been posed. Eventually, he looked back towards Ryan. "Torchy's," he said with a sure tone.

"Tacos it is then," he agreed with a nod, and Jeremy looked almost pleased enough to melt, although unfortunately, he didn't stay still quite long enough for Ryan to truly see the emotions cross his face.

He liked doing things that made the man happy, and kept his hair the positive colors that showed he was in a good mood. Little acts like this - asking him what he would like to eat, for one example - were simple and easy, and Ryan had never minded doing them, if only to see Jeremy so pleased.

"Good choice, Jeremy," Michael applauded the man, and he received quiet thanks in reply.

In a good mood, despite his loss in the game and the impending doom that awaited his wallet, Ryan joined the other three in finishing up for the day before they all left the office to head home. Tomorrow he'd keep his promise and buy Torchy's for Michael, Gavin, and Jeremy, but the thought running through his mind was that he was really only doing this for one of those men.

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Tees Quotes

Official Website: Tees Quotes

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• A good friend of mine took me out and had me hit off a tee. He made me understand what was my strike zone and – with my speed – the importance of making contact. So I give him a lot of credit for changing my game and making me the player I became. He showed me how to work on me and my game, and not worry about patterning myself after someone else and focusing on what they were capable of doing rather than what I was capable of doing. – Rickey Henderson • A straight factor is important in any comedy, because you need something to tee it up and also to ground it. – Jason Bateman • Aggression is part of the masculine design, we are hardwired for it…. Little girls do not invent games where large numbers of people die, where bloodshed is a prerequisite for having fun. Hockey, for example, was not a feminine creation. Nor was boxing. A boy wants to attack something – and so does a man, even if it’s only a little white ball on a tee. – John Eldredge • Also, of course, I need my Dove soap. Of course I need my cocoa butter. I need my Listerine. I need the white Jockey tees. They are really soft and comfortable. – DJ Khaled • And what do the birds say? All there is to say about a massacre, things like “Poo-tee-weet? – Kurt Vonnegut • Are you all right?” “Oh my god! I phased!” “Are you all right?” “Are you?” “It was strange.” “I can’t believe I phased just then! That’s never…it was totally your fault.” “I like to think so, yes.” “Tee hee. – Joss Whedon • At home, a T-shirt and something loose like harem pants would do. If I’m stepping out, a pair of blue jeans and a white tee are just fine. – Genelia D’Souza

jQuery(document).ready(function($) var data = action: 'polyxgo_products_search', type: 'Product', keywords: 'Tee', orderby: 'rand', order: 'DESC', template: '1', limit: '68', columns: '4', viewall:'Shop All', ; jQuery.post(spyr_params.ajaxurl,data, function(response) var obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); jQuery('#thelovesof_tee').html(obj); jQuery('#thelovesof_tee img.swiper-lazy:not(.swiper-lazy-loaded)' ).each(function () var img = jQuery(this); img.attr("src",img.data('src')); img.addClass( 'swiper-lazy-loaded' ); img.removeAttr('data-src'); ); ); ); • Bob Hope has a beautiful short game. Unfortunately, it’s off the tee. – Jimmy Demaret • But just like I’ve always said when people complain about tee times, ‘I just want a tee time. Just give me one so I can play. – David Duval • But the bottom line is, no matter what, even if I shoot 90 tomorrow, I’m going to enjoy it. Maybe people will say “Oh, he blew it” or whatever. Maybe I’m going to blow it, it’s the first time I’ve ever been there. What do you expect? You know I’m not number one in the world. My knees are going to touch each other on the first tee tomorrow. But let me tell you, I’m going to enjoy it. – Jean van de Velde • Control is the main thing, and the tee shot is the most important shot in golf. You’ve got to hit the fairway before you have a good chance of putting the ball close to the pin. You can be the greatest iron player in the world, but if you’re in the boondocks it won’t do you any good. – Ben Hogan • Courses that you’ve had success on, all of a sudden your game turns around because you feel comfortable on your tee shots, you feel comfortable going to the greens, you know, all the reads on the putts. It’s a feeling that’s hard to describe, but it’s certainly one that you get filled up with confidence more than anything else. – Tiger Woods • Edward Abbey said you must brew your own beer; kick in you Tee Vee; kill your own beef; build your cabin and piss off the front porch whenever you bloody well feel like it. I already had a good start. As a teenager in rural Maine, after we came to America, I had learned hunting, fishing, and trapping in the wilderness. My Maine mentors had long ago taught me to make home brew. I owned a rifle, and I’d already built a log cabin. The rest should be easy. I thought I’d give it a shot. – Bernd Heinrich • Elmcrest CC, in Cedar Rapids, is where it all started when I was growing up. The tree-lined course has a very demanding layout that requires you to be accurate off the tee and avoid a number of well-placed water hazards on some of the holes. – Zach Johnson • Every golfer can expect to have four bad shots in a round and when you do, just put them out of your mind. This, of course is hard to do when you’ve had them and you’re not even off the first tee. – Walter Hagen • Every golfer should come to the first tee with fourteen clubs, a dozen balls, a handful of tees, and at least one great golf story – Lee Trevino • Everything was fine until I walked on to the first tee! – Seve Ballesteros • Fighting is like life. You can do everything to a tee. You can show up and fail. That’s no reason to quit. – Frank Mir • Foursomes have left the first tee there and have never been seen again. They just find their shoelaces and bags. – Bob Hope • Get a good jean, a good tee, a good whatever because you can just switch that stuff up and you have like 8,000 different outfits with a few things. – Zendaya • Golf is a stupid game. You tee up this little ball, really this tiny ball. Then you hit it, try to find it, hit it. And the goal is to get it into a little hole placed in a hard spot. – Juli Inkster • Has anyone ever won an argument with you? (Syd) Just Tee, and I was drunk and wounded at the time. (Joe) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • He [Daniel Craig] is mysterious, and I think that that’s the thing Bond has to exude, that kind of mysterious edge. He draws you in, but he is also incredibly cool, you know, James Bond is cool and sharp and Daniel has that to a tee, and he’s also got the rawness and an edginess to him that is slightly unhinged, and you’re not sure what is going on there, and I think that is really intriguing and interesting. It is a lot weightier and gritty, and he has that. – Gemma Arterton • He’s wearing boots, a kilt, and a long-sleeve tee. No coat, even though it’s December. Beautiful people don’t need coats. They’ve got their auras to keep them warm. – Jennifer Donnelly • Hole in One: an occurence in which a ball is hit directly from the tee into the hole in a single shot by a golfer playing alone. – Henry Beard • How to Overthrow the System: brew your own beer; kick in your Tee Vee; kill your own beef; build your own cabin and piss off the front porch whenever you bloody well feel like it. – Edward Abbey • I also taught myself how to blow glass using a propane torch from the hardware store and managed to make some elementary chemistry plumbing such as tees and small glass bulbs. – Robert B. Laughlin • I am always looking for a cool tee shirt; maybe one with a rock band or an old advertisement. – Bridget Hall • I call my putter ‘Sweet Charity’ because it covers such a multitude of sins from tee to green. – Gardner Dickinson • I can wear a suit, sweatpants, a long tee shirt, and a denim jacket all at the same time. – Tinie Tempah • I could get you to smile like that, and without sales tax.” I whirled around to find the real Patch standing in the fitting room behind me. He was wearing jeans and a snug white tee. His arms were folded loosely over his chest, and his black eyes smiled down at me. Heat that wasn’t entirely uncomfortable flushed through my body. “I could make all kinds of pervert jokes right now,” I quipped. – Becca Fitzpatrick • I do know how to operate a computer. (Joe) Yeah, right. What was it you said just ten minutes ago? Get this damned thing off my desk before I shoot it? Now make the call, Mr. Hunt-and-Peck. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • I don’t feel like I’m out of my element or anything like that. I’m very comfortable where I’m at. I enjoy being in this position, and actually it feels like I haven’t really been away from it. I feel very comfortable out there from the first tee onwards. – Aaron Baddeley • I don’t think the philosophy really changes between men and women. I think golf courses need to become more distance-friendly overall. I think golf courses almost need to develop a more generic set of tees instead of calling them black, blue, red or whatever. – Amy Alcott • I go to the first tee scared to death every day. The peaks do not seem to last as long as the valleys in this game. – J. C. Snead • I got so strong I felt like a giant…..When I stood on the tee with Arnold and Jack, I was tiny compared to them. But I never believed they were bigger than me. So the mind is so fascinating. – Gary Player • I had held a notion that I could make a pretty fair appraisal of the worth of an opponent simply by speaking to him on the first tee and taking a good measuring look into his eyes. – Bobby Jones • I had to lull Mom and Hank into believing I was in the right frame of mind to be taken into public. If I exited my bedroom foaming at the mouth and dressed in black LOVE SUCKS tee, my plan would never get off the ground. – Becca Fitzpatrick • I have a really simple wardrobe. I wear a low-scoop tee every day with a tux or leather jacket and tux pants or black jeans. That’s pretty much it. – Johan Lindeberg • I have really enjoyed every minute I have spent in golf- above all, the many wonderful friends I have made. I have loved playing the game and practicing it. Whether my schedule for the following day called for a tournament round or merely a trip to the practice tee, the prospect that there was going to be golf in it made me feel privileged and extremely happy, and I couldn’t wait for the sun to come up the next morning so that I could get out on the course again – Ben Hogan • I hurt my shoulder on the fifth tee – just hitting it too hard when you’re too old. – Ian Woosnam • I like What Goes Around Comes Around for old concert tees. Oh man, I got this ‘Sgt. Pepper’ cartoon Beatles shirt there; it was, like, $300. I didn’t even know how much it cost – I thought it was gonna be, like, $80 at most – till I got to the register and was like, ‘Oh mah gawd!’ Good Lord. But it’s classic vintage rock, you know? – Kid Cudi • I mistrust the term graphic novel because it sounds like a good thing to put on a tee-shirt. That’s why the French like them. – Terry Pratchett • I need to use the Dam Bathroom, I need to use the Dam Snack bar, I want a Dam Tee-Shirt. – Rick Riordan • I remember winning the first time, you know, suddenly everybody expects, well, okay, now he should win every time he tees it up, win six tournaments. – Retief Goosen • I still get butterflies on the first tee. I still get sweaty hands, and my heart pumps a lot going down the 18th. But I know what winning is all about now, and that’s a feeling that I like. – Annika Sorenstam • I think I can be competitive. Heck, anybody who can walk to the first tee here has a chance. – Fuzzy Zoeller • I think jeans have gotten away from the original meaning, that symbol of freedom; they’ve gone gimmicky and turned into a status item. Our denim is offered at lower price points for that reason. As far as the men’s clothing in the collection, it’s basically my wardrobe. I think men’s clothes should be grounded, strong and classic. I like simple: a blazer, jeans, a low cut tee and maybe a silk scarf. – Johan Lindeberg • I thoroughly enjoy working with kids, whether it’s The First Tee or the lesson tee with my grandkids. – Jack Nicklaus • I thought Denver and Seattle was a big game but Houston and Dallas is the kind of game that as players, we want to play in. I haven’t missed playing in the National Football League, but every year there are one or two games that makes me wish I could tee it up in that game one more time. – Sterling Sharpe • I wanted to feel good about the way I looked. I didn’t understand why style had to be sacrificed for sports technology. I found when going to the gym women were wearing their own tees, without the technology. I started to think, does it make you run faster if you wear that terrible color or sweat less if you wear that horrible fabric? And I challenged it, and the answers were not there to why we were being given poor design work. It was something I wanted to bring to women’s wardrobes. – Stella McCartney • I went through phases of odd hairstyles and tank top-over-tee outfits and stuff like that. – Jamie Lynn Sigler • I wouldn’t wear a tie-dyed tee-shirt unless it was dyed with the urine of Phil Collins and the blood of Jerry Garcia. – Kurt Cobain • If any guy threatened her she’d probably suffocate him with her oversized tee. – Simone Elkeles • If I’d been listening closely, I’d have caught the sound of the gods having a great big old tee-hee at my expense. – Sue Grafton • If I’m not going out, my go-to outfit is some comfortable pants, Vans, and a fitted tee. But if I’m going out, definitely some Diesel jeans, either some super cool boots or nice shoes, and then a button-up. – Sterling Beaumon • If it really made sense to “let the club do the work,” you’d just say, “Driver, wedge to the green, one-putt,” and walk to the next tee. – Tom Mulligan • If Jack Nicklaus had to play my tee shots, he couldn’t break 80. He’d be a pharmacist with a string of drugstores in Ohio. – Lee Trevino • If the rest of his foursome are bunched directly behind his ball, or assume the foetal position with their backs to the tee, the golfer is reminded that his drive tends to be erratic. More cruel yet is for his opponent to stand directly in the projected line of flight, as the safest place to be. – Eric Nicol • If there’s a golf course in heaven, I hope it’s like Augusta National. I just don’t want an early tee time. – Gary Player • I’m a big fan of pops of color, but I thought I would take that to the next level and do a color-blocked Rolex. This watch is the perfect accessory whether you’re wearing a tee and jeans or a well-tailored suit. – Brad Goreski • I’m focusing on quality versus quantity – a nicer tee-shirt with organic cotton and buying just one or two instead of five that are cheaper but made with GMO cotton, which is hard on Earth, sewn by slave labor, shipped all the way from China on boats that use lots of oil and can kill whales with ship strikes and sold by (some) companies that could treat their – Kristin Bauer van Straten • I’m much better off the tee. I’m not a great putter. I do not have a good short game. – Molly Sims • I’m not out there just to be dancing around. I expect to win every time I tee up. – Lee Trevino • I’m really going to do my homework. I’m going to be down there on the practice tee finding out if a guy’s wife beat him up the night before, important stuff like that. Stuff that people want to know. – Lee Trevino • It is so short and jumbled and jangled, Sam, because there is nothing intelligent to say about a massacre. Everybody is supposed to be dead, to never say anything or want anything ever again. Everything is supposed to be very quiet after a massacre, and it always is, except for the birds. And what do the birds say? All there is to say about a massacre, things like “Poo-tee-weet? – Kurt Vonnegut • It’s really hard to perfect one aspect of your kicking game when you’re spending some of your time kicking with a holder, some of your time kicking off a tee, and some of your time drop-kicking the ball. To be able to concentrate just on my punting responsibilities will do wonders for me. – Pat McAfee • I’ve always tried to play golf with a golf club. I have a hard time driving with my rifle. I mean, 18 is really narrow … I have no problem with the course, except for the tee shot on 18. – Jack Nicklaus • Just hopped off the plane came back from Vancouv Little white tee sum boobs & bamboo – Nicki Minaj • My back swing off the first tee had put him in mond of an eldery woman of dubious morals trying to struggle out of a dress too tight around the shoulders. – Patrick Campbell, 3rd Baron Glenavy • My essentials are skinny jeans, loose-fitting tees, big jumpers, and the leather jacket. Everything is black or blue – I don’t own anything colorful. – Jamie Campbell Bower • My golf score is really bad. I don’t know. I’m definitely not a good golfer. Off the tee box, I can drive it about 275, and I’m in the fairway about 99% of the time. It’s my next shot that needs work. – Jason Aldean • My sister Suga Tee is doing conscious rap. She speaks to the youth. She has an album coming out soon. She got saved but she is still doing her thing. She still spits good game. She’s talented. She sings. I don’t know if a lot of people know this but Suga Tee has a beautiful voice. So ya’ll look out for her album you dig? And look forward to a future Clique album. – E-40 • Never bet with anyone you meet on the first tee who has a deep suntan, a 1-iron in his bag, and squinty eyes. – Dave Marr • No matter what happens – never give up a hole….In tossing in your cards after a bad beginning you also undermine your whole game, because to quit between tee and green is more habit-forming than drinking a highball before breakfast. – Sam Snead • Not a mark on it. (Joe) Yeah. Wanna check the backseat, where Steele is sitting? I’ll bet there’s a big stain there. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen you tee off before and knows that the safest place to be when you play is right down the middle. – Jackie Gleason • On the first tee I kept telling myself, “Trust yourself, you can do it.”- Annika Sorenstam • Once I graduated from NYU, I started making custom vintage tees for my friends and it just took off from there. – Charlotte Ronson • One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot – the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something. – Peter Jacobsen • Only because I’m not a morning person. (Joe) And you’re not a night person either. Face it, babe. You’ve only got two good minutes a day. The minute before noon and the minute right after. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • Only three things them ladies talk about: they kids, they clothes, and they friends. I hear the word Kennedy, I know they ain’t discussing no politic. They talking about what Miss Jackie done wore on the tee-vee. – Kathryn Stockett • Ooo, he’s snotty. I like him already. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • Part of wearing a tee is saying, ‘I’m comfortable and casual.’ – Ryan Seacrest • Patience is a virtue. (Tee) Excuse me, pot, could you not pick on the kettle? (Joe) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • Reminiscing No one knows … until you live it, to be there, to tee it up each week, to get yourself ready, the players and whatever else…. I think its a very, very difficult, tough and demanding job. And to be able to, particularly, stay at the level of expertise that we have over the years. Along with the fact that we have made football a presence at BYU. I think those are the things that are about as satisfying as anything that has happened. Then, of course, the players…. I think the thing that will be the most difficult is leaving the relationships and the involvement. – LaVell Edwards • Sam Snead did to the tee-shot what Roger Bannister did to the four-minute mile. – Byron Nelson • Tee Vee football: one team wins, one team loses — they tie — who cares? And why? – Edward Abbey • Tee your ball high…air offers less resistance than dirt. – Jack Nicklaus • The devil doesn’t wear prada; I’m clearly in a — white tee. – Tyler, The Creator • The first time I met [Sylvester Stallone], he had golf tees up his nose. So I figured we were going to be OK. – Sandra Bullock • The fourth tee brings out a mixture of excitement and anticipation, for about 220 yards down the fairway you catch a glimpse of Stillwater Cove, and realize you’ll be walking along this spectacular meeting of land and sea for the next two hours. – Doug Ferguson • The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don’t do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap. – Dave Barry • The man who runs from his office to the golf club, gulps a sandwich, belches and races to the first tee has no business howling in anguish when he puts his first two shots in the woods, then tops a 3-iron shot into the pond. – Tony Lema • The NBAs a Fortune 500 company. Thats how you look at it. And all the other Fortune 500 companies out there in the world, you dont see their CEOs and COOs going to work with white tees and baggy clothes and stuff like that. So I have to take that same approach. – Carmelo Anthony • The only times you touch the ball with your hand are when you tee it up and when you pick it out of the cup. The hell with television towers and cables and burrowing animals and the thousand and one things that are referred to as ‘not part of the golf course’. If you hit the ball off the fairway, you play it from there. – Ken Venturi • The subconscious mind is probably the most important factor in being a good golfer. It keeps distractions on the course from ruining a good round. You should practice, develop your swing, and do most of your thinking on the practice tee so that when you play in competition, you can hit the ball automatically. – Wiffy Cox • There are three things being a celebrity is good for: raising money for charity, dinner reservations and tee times. – Dennis Quaid • There was a time when all I cared about was the next game, the next party, the next tee time. – Brett Favre • There’s not much pressure on the golf Tour. Walking to the first tee is in no way comparable to walking through the jungle in combat – Larry Nelson • To quit between tee and green is more habit-forming than drinking a highball before breakfast. – Sam Snead • Trust me, Joe. You’re not a cowboy. The only cows you ever saw as a kid came under a plastic wrap in the grocery store or in a paper wrapped from McDonald’s. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • We don’t want civilians walking around who know about us. Got it? (Tee) Wow, you’re like a ferocious bunny, aren’t you? (Nathan) Worse. A bunny can be fluffy sometimes. Tee always goes for the throat. Trust me. I’m her partner and she’s shot me three times now. (Joe) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. He [President Ford] never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot. – Bob Hope • We never let our people just go. (Joe) What are you? Wolfram and Hart? (Steele) Oh, no, sweetie, they just take your soul for service. We intend to take even more than that. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • Well, I think that Augusta is not the same golf course that I grew up on. Bobby Jones’ philosophy was giving you space off the tee; if you put it in the right side of the fairway, you ended up getting the right angle to the green. – Jack Nicklaus • What a shame to waste those great shots on the practice tee. – Walter Hagen • What’s the longest walk in golf? It’s from the practice tee to the first tee. I don’t care if it’s 10 yards. It’s the longest walk in golf. Winners take their swing with them. Losers don’t. – Moe Norman • When Ballesteros triumphed at the British Open in 1979, for his first major win, he hit so few fairways off the tee that he was often mistaken for a gallery marshall. – Dan Jenkins • When I decided to launch my first knitwear line, it was because I saw a void in the basics category. The editors were always looking for cool, fashion-forward tees and sweaters. So that’s where I started. – Alexander Wang • When I got to the first tee on the first day, to hear the cheers, it was like all the oxygen got sucked out. It was hard to pull the club back. – Patrick Reed • When I have a match to play, I begin to relax as soon as I wake up. Everything I do, I do slow and easy. That goes for stroking the razor, getting dressed, and eating my breakfast. I’m practically in slow motion. By the time I’m ready to tee off, I’m so used to taking my time that it’s impossible to hurry my swing. – Walter Hagen • When I learned that there was such a thing as an atheist, I looked it up – and found out that the definition fitted me to a tee. Finally, at the age of 24, I found out who and what I was. Better late than never. – Madalyn Murray O’Hair • When it come to da: ” What it do?! I don’t fall for da: “Woop- TeE- WoOoo! – Erykah Badu • Why is it when I’m the one shot, I’m a baby, but when it’s you, it’s a matter of life and death and national security? (Joe) Because I’m cuter in a short skirt. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • Yeah. Kip gets to guard you and I get to house-sit. Life bites the big tee-tawa. (Syn) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • You are so vicious. (Tee) Hence the nickname. (Syd) You know it’s bad when you make me look like Glinda the Good Witch, right? (Tee) Just call me Elphaba. But don’t drop a house on me, ‘kay? (Syd) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • You don’t lose your swing between the ninth green and the tenth tee, and you don’t lose your swing from one day to the next. If you think you do, something is going on that you don’t understand. A diary might help explain it to you. – Harvey Penick • You draw on your own childhood every time you tee it up as an actor. – Ron Perlman • You ever go up to the tee and say, ‘Don’t hit it left, don’t hit it right’? That’s your conscious mind. My body knows how to play golf. I’ve trained it to do that. It’s just a matter of keeping my conscious mind out of it. – Tiger Woods • You hear stories about me beating my brains out practicing, but the truth is, I was enjoying myself. I couldn’t wait to get up in the morning so I could hit balls. I’d be at the practice tee at the crack of dawn, hit balls for a few hours, then take a break and get right back to it. And I still thoroughly enjoy it. When I’m hitting the ball where I want, hard and crisply – when anyone is – it’s a joy that very few people experience. – Ben Hogan • You just don’t have the time to worry about what others are doing. You just want to take care of your own business. You are focused on that tee shot on the 10th tee and making it to the finish line. It’s one of the most stressful moments in professional golf, but you have worked so hard to get to that point, that it really is fun. – Mike Weir • You know what I hate about rock? I hate tie-dyed tee shirts. I wouldn’t wear a tie-dyed tee shirt unless it was dyed with the urine of Phil Collins and the blood of Jerry Garcia. – Kurt Cobain • You’re such a crybaby. (Tee) Let me almost shoot off one of your testicles and see how you cope. (Joe) You shouldn’t have moved, Joe. It was your fault. (Tee) Yeah, everything’s my fault. (Joe) Good, then we agree. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • Your white tee, well to me, looks like a nightgown; Make your mama proud, take that thing two sizes down. – Andre Benjamin

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[equitiesstocks]

Tees Quotes

Official Website: Tees Quotes

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• A good friend of mine took me out and had me hit off a tee. He made me understand what was my strike zone and – with my speed – the importance of making contact. So I give him a lot of credit for changing my game and making me the player I became. He showed me how to work on me and my game, and not worry about patterning myself after someone else and focusing on what they were capable of doing rather than what I was capable of doing. – Rickey Henderson • A straight factor is important in any comedy, because you need something to tee it up and also to ground it. – Jason Bateman • Aggression is part of the masculine design, we are hardwired for it…. Little girls do not invent games where large numbers of people die, where bloodshed is a prerequisite for having fun. Hockey, for example, was not a feminine creation. Nor was boxing. A boy wants to attack something – and so does a man, even if it’s only a little white ball on a tee. – John Eldredge • Also, of course, I need my Dove soap. Of course I need my cocoa butter. I need my Listerine. I need the white Jockey tees. They are really soft and comfortable. – DJ Khaled • And what do the birds say? All there is to say about a massacre, things like “Poo-tee-weet? – Kurt Vonnegut • Are you all right?” “Oh my god! I phased!” “Are you all right?” “Are you?” “It was strange.” “I can’t believe I phased just then! That’s never…it was totally your fault.” “I like to think so, yes.” “Tee hee. – Joss Whedon • At home, a T-shirt and something loose like harem pants would do. If I’m stepping out, a pair of blue jeans and a white tee are just fine. – Genelia D’Souza

jQuery(document).ready(function($) var data = action: 'polyxgo_products_search', type: 'Product', keywords: 'Tee', orderby: 'rand', order: 'DESC', template: '1', limit: '68', columns: '4', viewall:'Shop All', ; jQuery.post(spyr_params.ajaxurl,data, function(response) var obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); jQuery('#thelovesof_tee').html(obj); jQuery('#thelovesof_tee img.swiper-lazy:not(.swiper-lazy-loaded)' ).each(function () var img = jQuery(this); img.attr("src",img.data('src')); img.addClass( 'swiper-lazy-loaded' ); img.removeAttr('data-src'); ); ); ); • Bob Hope has a beautiful short game. Unfortunately, it’s off the tee. – Jimmy Demaret • But just like I’ve always said when people complain about tee times, ‘I just want a tee time. Just give me one so I can play. – David Duval • But the bottom line is, no matter what, even if I shoot 90 tomorrow, I’m going to enjoy it. Maybe people will say “Oh, he blew it” or whatever. Maybe I’m going to blow it, it’s the first time I’ve ever been there. What do you expect? You know I’m not number one in the world. My knees are going to touch each other on the first tee tomorrow. But let me tell you, I’m going to enjoy it. – Jean van de Velde • Control is the main thing, and the tee shot is the most important shot in golf. You’ve got to hit the fairway before you have a good chance of putting the ball close to the pin. You can be the greatest iron player in the world, but if you’re in the boondocks it won’t do you any good. – Ben Hogan • Courses that you’ve had success on, all of a sudden your game turns around because you feel comfortable on your tee shots, you feel comfortable going to the greens, you know, all the reads on the putts. It’s a feeling that’s hard to describe, but it’s certainly one that you get filled up with confidence more than anything else. – Tiger Woods • Edward Abbey said you must brew your own beer; kick in you Tee Vee; kill your own beef; build your cabin and piss off the front porch whenever you bloody well feel like it. I already had a good start. As a teenager in rural Maine, after we came to America, I had learned hunting, fishing, and trapping in the wilderness. My Maine mentors had long ago taught me to make home brew. I owned a rifle, and I’d already built a log cabin. The rest should be easy. I thought I’d give it a shot. – Bernd Heinrich • Elmcrest CC, in Cedar Rapids, is where it all started when I was growing up. The tree-lined course has a very demanding layout that requires you to be accurate off the tee and avoid a number of well-placed water hazards on some of the holes. – Zach Johnson • Every golfer can expect to have four bad shots in a round and when you do, just put them out of your mind. This, of course is hard to do when you’ve had them and you’re not even off the first tee. – Walter Hagen • Every golfer should come to the first tee with fourteen clubs, a dozen balls, a handful of tees, and at least one great golf story – Lee Trevino • Everything was fine until I walked on to the first tee! – Seve Ballesteros • Fighting is like life. You can do everything to a tee. You can show up and fail. That’s no reason to quit. – Frank Mir • Foursomes have left the first tee there and have never been seen again. They just find their shoelaces and bags. – Bob Hope • Get a good jean, a good tee, a good whatever because you can just switch that stuff up and you have like 8,000 different outfits with a few things. – Zendaya • Golf is a stupid game. You tee up this little ball, really this tiny ball. Then you hit it, try to find it, hit it. And the goal is to get it into a little hole placed in a hard spot. – Juli Inkster • Has anyone ever won an argument with you? (Syd) Just Tee, and I was drunk and wounded at the time. (Joe) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • He [Daniel Craig] is mysterious, and I think that that’s the thing Bond has to exude, that kind of mysterious edge. He draws you in, but he is also incredibly cool, you know, James Bond is cool and sharp and Daniel has that to a tee, and he’s also got the rawness and an edginess to him that is slightly unhinged, and you’re not sure what is going on there, and I think that is really intriguing and interesting. It is a lot weightier and gritty, and he has that. – Gemma Arterton • He’s wearing boots, a kilt, and a long-sleeve tee. No coat, even though it’s December. Beautiful people don’t need coats. They’ve got their auras to keep them warm. – Jennifer Donnelly • Hole in One: an occurence in which a ball is hit directly from the tee into the hole in a single shot by a golfer playing alone. – Henry Beard • How to Overthrow the System: brew your own beer; kick in your Tee Vee; kill your own beef; build your own cabin and piss off the front porch whenever you bloody well feel like it. – Edward Abbey • I also taught myself how to blow glass using a propane torch from the hardware store and managed to make some elementary chemistry plumbing such as tees and small glass bulbs. – Robert B. Laughlin • I am always looking for a cool tee shirt; maybe one with a rock band or an old advertisement. – Bridget Hall • I call my putter ‘Sweet Charity’ because it covers such a multitude of sins from tee to green. – Gardner Dickinson • I can wear a suit, sweatpants, a long tee shirt, and a denim jacket all at the same time. – Tinie Tempah • I could get you to smile like that, and without sales tax.” I whirled around to find the real Patch standing in the fitting room behind me. He was wearing jeans and a snug white tee. His arms were folded loosely over his chest, and his black eyes smiled down at me. Heat that wasn’t entirely uncomfortable flushed through my body. “I could make all kinds of pervert jokes right now,” I quipped. – Becca Fitzpatrick • I do know how to operate a computer. (Joe) Yeah, right. What was it you said just ten minutes ago? Get this damned thing off my desk before I shoot it? Now make the call, Mr. Hunt-and-Peck. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • I don’t feel like I’m out of my element or anything like that. I’m very comfortable where I’m at. I enjoy being in this position, and actually it feels like I haven’t really been away from it. I feel very comfortable out there from the first tee onwards. – Aaron Baddeley • I don’t think the philosophy really changes between men and women. I think golf courses need to become more distance-friendly overall. I think golf courses almost need to develop a more generic set of tees instead of calling them black, blue, red or whatever. – Amy Alcott • I go to the first tee scared to death every day. The peaks do not seem to last as long as the valleys in this game. – J. C. Snead • I got so strong I felt like a giant…..When I stood on the tee with Arnold and Jack, I was tiny compared to them. But I never believed they were bigger than me. So the mind is so fascinating. – Gary Player • I had held a notion that I could make a pretty fair appraisal of the worth of an opponent simply by speaking to him on the first tee and taking a good measuring look into his eyes. – Bobby Jones • I had to lull Mom and Hank into believing I was in the right frame of mind to be taken into public. If I exited my bedroom foaming at the mouth and dressed in black LOVE SUCKS tee, my plan would never get off the ground. – Becca Fitzpatrick • I have a really simple wardrobe. I wear a low-scoop tee every day with a tux or leather jacket and tux pants or black jeans. That’s pretty much it. – Johan Lindeberg • I have really enjoyed every minute I have spent in golf- above all, the many wonderful friends I have made. I have loved playing the game and practicing it. Whether my schedule for the following day called for a tournament round or merely a trip to the practice tee, the prospect that there was going to be golf in it made me feel privileged and extremely happy, and I couldn’t wait for the sun to come up the next morning so that I could get out on the course again – Ben Hogan • I hurt my shoulder on the fifth tee – just hitting it too hard when you’re too old. – Ian Woosnam • I like What Goes Around Comes Around for old concert tees. Oh man, I got this ‘Sgt. Pepper’ cartoon Beatles shirt there; it was, like, $300. I didn’t even know how much it cost – I thought it was gonna be, like, $80 at most – till I got to the register and was like, ‘Oh mah gawd!’ Good Lord. But it’s classic vintage rock, you know? – Kid Cudi • I mistrust the term graphic novel because it sounds like a good thing to put on a tee-shirt. That’s why the French like them. – Terry Pratchett • I need to use the Dam Bathroom, I need to use the Dam Snack bar, I want a Dam Tee-Shirt. – Rick Riordan • I remember winning the first time, you know, suddenly everybody expects, well, okay, now he should win every time he tees it up, win six tournaments. – Retief Goosen • I still get butterflies on the first tee. I still get sweaty hands, and my heart pumps a lot going down the 18th. But I know what winning is all about now, and that’s a feeling that I like. – Annika Sorenstam • I think I can be competitive. Heck, anybody who can walk to the first tee here has a chance. – Fuzzy Zoeller • I think jeans have gotten away from the original meaning, that symbol of freedom; they’ve gone gimmicky and turned into a status item. Our denim is offered at lower price points for that reason. As far as the men’s clothing in the collection, it’s basically my wardrobe. I think men’s clothes should be grounded, strong and classic. I like simple: a blazer, jeans, a low cut tee and maybe a silk scarf. – Johan Lindeberg • I thoroughly enjoy working with kids, whether it’s The First Tee or the lesson tee with my grandkids. – Jack Nicklaus • I thought Denver and Seattle was a big game but Houston and Dallas is the kind of game that as players, we want to play in. I haven’t missed playing in the National Football League, but every year there are one or two games that makes me wish I could tee it up in that game one more time. – Sterling Sharpe • I wanted to feel good about the way I looked. I didn’t understand why style had to be sacrificed for sports technology. I found when going to the gym women were wearing their own tees, without the technology. I started to think, does it make you run faster if you wear that terrible color or sweat less if you wear that horrible fabric? And I challenged it, and the answers were not there to why we were being given poor design work. It was something I wanted to bring to women’s wardrobes. – Stella McCartney • I went through phases of odd hairstyles and tank top-over-tee outfits and stuff like that. – Jamie Lynn Sigler • I wouldn’t wear a tie-dyed tee-shirt unless it was dyed with the urine of Phil Collins and the blood of Jerry Garcia. – Kurt Cobain • If any guy threatened her she’d probably suffocate him with her oversized tee. – Simone Elkeles • If I’d been listening closely, I’d have caught the sound of the gods having a great big old tee-hee at my expense. – Sue Grafton • If I’m not going out, my go-to outfit is some comfortable pants, Vans, and a fitted tee. But if I’m going out, definitely some Diesel jeans, either some super cool boots or nice shoes, and then a button-up. – Sterling Beaumon • If it really made sense to “let the club do the work,” you’d just say, “Driver, wedge to the green, one-putt,” and walk to the next tee. – Tom Mulligan • If Jack Nicklaus had to play my tee shots, he couldn’t break 80. He’d be a pharmacist with a string of drugstores in Ohio. – Lee Trevino • If the rest of his foursome are bunched directly behind his ball, or assume the foetal position with their backs to the tee, the golfer is reminded that his drive tends to be erratic. More cruel yet is for his opponent to stand directly in the projected line of flight, as the safest place to be. – Eric Nicol • If there’s a golf course in heaven, I hope it’s like Augusta National. I just don’t want an early tee time. – Gary Player • I’m a big fan of pops of color, but I thought I would take that to the next level and do a color-blocked Rolex. This watch is the perfect accessory whether you’re wearing a tee and jeans or a well-tailored suit. – Brad Goreski • I’m focusing on quality versus quantity – a nicer tee-shirt with organic cotton and buying just one or two instead of five that are cheaper but made with GMO cotton, which is hard on Earth, sewn by slave labor, shipped all the way from China on boats that use lots of oil and can kill whales with ship strikes and sold by (some) companies that could treat their – Kristin Bauer van Straten • I’m much better off the tee. I’m not a great putter. I do not have a good short game. – Molly Sims • I’m not out there just to be dancing around. I expect to win every time I tee up. – Lee Trevino • I’m really going to do my homework. I’m going to be down there on the practice tee finding out if a guy’s wife beat him up the night before, important stuff like that. Stuff that people want to know. – Lee Trevino • It is so short and jumbled and jangled, Sam, because there is nothing intelligent to say about a massacre. Everybody is supposed to be dead, to never say anything or want anything ever again. Everything is supposed to be very quiet after a massacre, and it always is, except for the birds. And what do the birds say? All there is to say about a massacre, things like “Poo-tee-weet? – Kurt Vonnegut • It’s really hard to perfect one aspect of your kicking game when you’re spending some of your time kicking with a holder, some of your time kicking off a tee, and some of your time drop-kicking the ball. To be able to concentrate just on my punting responsibilities will do wonders for me. – Pat McAfee • I’ve always tried to play golf with a golf club. I have a hard time driving with my rifle. I mean, 18 is really narrow … I have no problem with the course, except for the tee shot on 18. – Jack Nicklaus • Just hopped off the plane came back from Vancouv Little white tee sum boobs & bamboo – Nicki Minaj • My back swing off the first tee had put him in mond of an eldery woman of dubious morals trying to struggle out of a dress too tight around the shoulders. – Patrick Campbell, 3rd Baron Glenavy • My essentials are skinny jeans, loose-fitting tees, big jumpers, and the leather jacket. Everything is black or blue – I don’t own anything colorful. – Jamie Campbell Bower • My golf score is really bad. I don’t know. I’m definitely not a good golfer. Off the tee box, I can drive it about 275, and I’m in the fairway about 99% of the time. It’s my next shot that needs work. – Jason Aldean • My sister Suga Tee is doing conscious rap. She speaks to the youth. She has an album coming out soon. She got saved but she is still doing her thing. She still spits good game. She’s talented. She sings. I don’t know if a lot of people know this but Suga Tee has a beautiful voice. So ya’ll look out for her album you dig? And look forward to a future Clique album. – E-40 • Never bet with anyone you meet on the first tee who has a deep suntan, a 1-iron in his bag, and squinty eyes. – Dave Marr • No matter what happens – never give up a hole….In tossing in your cards after a bad beginning you also undermine your whole game, because to quit between tee and green is more habit-forming than drinking a highball before breakfast. – Sam Snead • Not a mark on it. (Joe) Yeah. Wanna check the backseat, where Steele is sitting? I’ll bet there’s a big stain there. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen you tee off before and knows that the safest place to be when you play is right down the middle. – Jackie Gleason • On the first tee I kept telling myself, “Trust yourself, you can do it.”- Annika Sorenstam • Once I graduated from NYU, I started making custom vintage tees for my friends and it just took off from there. – Charlotte Ronson • One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot – the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something. – Peter Jacobsen • Only because I’m not a morning person. (Joe) And you’re not a night person either. Face it, babe. You’ve only got two good minutes a day. The minute before noon and the minute right after. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • Only three things them ladies talk about: they kids, they clothes, and they friends. I hear the word Kennedy, I know they ain’t discussing no politic. They talking about what Miss Jackie done wore on the tee-vee. – Kathryn Stockett • Ooo, he’s snotty. I like him already. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • Part of wearing a tee is saying, ‘I’m comfortable and casual.’ – Ryan Seacrest • Patience is a virtue. (Tee) Excuse me, pot, could you not pick on the kettle? (Joe) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • Reminiscing No one knows … until you live it, to be there, to tee it up each week, to get yourself ready, the players and whatever else…. I think its a very, very difficult, tough and demanding job. And to be able to, particularly, stay at the level of expertise that we have over the years. Along with the fact that we have made football a presence at BYU. I think those are the things that are about as satisfying as anything that has happened. Then, of course, the players…. I think the thing that will be the most difficult is leaving the relationships and the involvement. – LaVell Edwards • Sam Snead did to the tee-shot what Roger Bannister did to the four-minute mile. – Byron Nelson • Tee Vee football: one team wins, one team loses — they tie — who cares? And why? – Edward Abbey • Tee your ball high…air offers less resistance than dirt. – Jack Nicklaus • The devil doesn’t wear prada; I’m clearly in a — white tee. – Tyler, The Creator • The first time I met [Sylvester Stallone], he had golf tees up his nose. So I figured we were going to be OK. – Sandra Bullock • The fourth tee brings out a mixture of excitement and anticipation, for about 220 yards down the fairway you catch a glimpse of Stillwater Cove, and realize you’ll be walking along this spectacular meeting of land and sea for the next two hours. – Doug Ferguson • The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don’t do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap. – Dave Barry • The man who runs from his office to the golf club, gulps a sandwich, belches and races to the first tee has no business howling in anguish when he puts his first two shots in the woods, then tops a 3-iron shot into the pond. – Tony Lema • The NBAs a Fortune 500 company. Thats how you look at it. And all the other Fortune 500 companies out there in the world, you dont see their CEOs and COOs going to work with white tees and baggy clothes and stuff like that. So I have to take that same approach. – Carmelo Anthony • The only times you touch the ball with your hand are when you tee it up and when you pick it out of the cup. The hell with television towers and cables and burrowing animals and the thousand and one things that are referred to as ‘not part of the golf course’. If you hit the ball off the fairway, you play it from there. – Ken Venturi • The subconscious mind is probably the most important factor in being a good golfer. It keeps distractions on the course from ruining a good round. You should practice, develop your swing, and do most of your thinking on the practice tee so that when you play in competition, you can hit the ball automatically. – Wiffy Cox • There are three things being a celebrity is good for: raising money for charity, dinner reservations and tee times. – Dennis Quaid • There was a time when all I cared about was the next game, the next party, the next tee time. – Brett Favre • There’s not much pressure on the golf Tour. Walking to the first tee is in no way comparable to walking through the jungle in combat – Larry Nelson • To quit between tee and green is more habit-forming than drinking a highball before breakfast. – Sam Snead • Trust me, Joe. You’re not a cowboy. The only cows you ever saw as a kid came under a plastic wrap in the grocery store or in a paper wrapped from McDonald’s. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • We don’t want civilians walking around who know about us. Got it? (Tee) Wow, you’re like a ferocious bunny, aren’t you? (Nathan) Worse. A bunny can be fluffy sometimes. Tee always goes for the throat. Trust me. I’m her partner and she’s shot me three times now. (Joe) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. He [President Ford] never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot. – Bob Hope • We never let our people just go. (Joe) What are you? Wolfram and Hart? (Steele) Oh, no, sweetie, they just take your soul for service. We intend to take even more than that. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • Well, I think that Augusta is not the same golf course that I grew up on. Bobby Jones’ philosophy was giving you space off the tee; if you put it in the right side of the fairway, you ended up getting the right angle to the green. – Jack Nicklaus • What a shame to waste those great shots on the practice tee. – Walter Hagen • What’s the longest walk in golf? It’s from the practice tee to the first tee. I don’t care if it’s 10 yards. It’s the longest walk in golf. Winners take their swing with them. Losers don’t. – Moe Norman • When Ballesteros triumphed at the British Open in 1979, for his first major win, he hit so few fairways off the tee that he was often mistaken for a gallery marshall. – Dan Jenkins • When I decided to launch my first knitwear line, it was because I saw a void in the basics category. The editors were always looking for cool, fashion-forward tees and sweaters. So that’s where I started. – Alexander Wang • When I got to the first tee on the first day, to hear the cheers, it was like all the oxygen got sucked out. It was hard to pull the club back. – Patrick Reed • When I have a match to play, I begin to relax as soon as I wake up. Everything I do, I do slow and easy. That goes for stroking the razor, getting dressed, and eating my breakfast. I’m practically in slow motion. By the time I’m ready to tee off, I’m so used to taking my time that it’s impossible to hurry my swing. – Walter Hagen • When I learned that there was such a thing as an atheist, I looked it up – and found out that the definition fitted me to a tee. Finally, at the age of 24, I found out who and what I was. Better late than never. – Madalyn Murray O’Hair • When it come to da: ” What it do?! I don’t fall for da: “Woop- TeE- WoOoo! – Erykah Badu • Why is it when I’m the one shot, I’m a baby, but when it’s you, it’s a matter of life and death and national security? (Joe) Because I’m cuter in a short skirt. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • Yeah. Kip gets to guard you and I get to house-sit. Life bites the big tee-tawa. (Syn) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • You are so vicious. (Tee) Hence the nickname. (Syd) You know it’s bad when you make me look like Glinda the Good Witch, right? (Tee) Just call me Elphaba. But don’t drop a house on me, ‘kay? (Syd) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • You don’t lose your swing between the ninth green and the tenth tee, and you don’t lose your swing from one day to the next. If you think you do, something is going on that you don’t understand. A diary might help explain it to you. – Harvey Penick • You draw on your own childhood every time you tee it up as an actor. – Ron Perlman • You ever go up to the tee and say, ‘Don’t hit it left, don’t hit it right’? That’s your conscious mind. My body knows how to play golf. I’ve trained it to do that. It’s just a matter of keeping my conscious mind out of it. – Tiger Woods • You hear stories about me beating my brains out practicing, but the truth is, I was enjoying myself. I couldn’t wait to get up in the morning so I could hit balls. I’d be at the practice tee at the crack of dawn, hit balls for a few hours, then take a break and get right back to it. And I still thoroughly enjoy it. When I’m hitting the ball where I want, hard and crisply – when anyone is – it’s a joy that very few people experience. – Ben Hogan • You just don’t have the time to worry about what others are doing. You just want to take care of your own business. You are focused on that tee shot on the 10th tee and making it to the finish line. It’s one of the most stressful moments in professional golf, but you have worked so hard to get to that point, that it really is fun. – Mike Weir • You know what I hate about rock? I hate tie-dyed tee shirts. I wouldn’t wear a tie-dyed tee shirt unless it was dyed with the urine of Phil Collins and the blood of Jerry Garcia. – Kurt Cobain • You’re such a crybaby. (Tee) Let me almost shoot off one of your testicles and see how you cope. (Joe) You shouldn’t have moved, Joe. It was your fault. (Tee) Yeah, everything’s my fault. (Joe) Good, then we agree. (Tee) – Sherrilyn Kenyon • Your white tee, well to me, looks like a nightgown; Make your mama proud, take that thing two sizes down. – Andre Benjamin

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[stroud5aside]

Match Report - Friday 19 July - Ebley Street Elite are Champions of Division Two

What a Cricket World Cup Final it was. A great win for England and a body blow for New Zealand, but that is sport. There will be a number of players from tonight’s games in the FNL that will be experiencing the same extreme post-match feelings! But this weekend is all about The 148th Open at Royal Portrush, that will fill the gap between now and the final games of the season next week! Look out for a few golfing expressions to get you in the groove for Sundays showdown!

PREMIERSHIP

Tonight, in the Premiership, was all about the fight to avoid relegation, involving 5 teams, at the bottom of the ‘leader board!’

In deepest trouble at the bottom is Walker Construction and tonight they faced fellow strugglers Coaley Crows. There were never going to be any ‘mulligans’ or ‘gimmes’ in this contest and in the end Coaley ‘putt’ one over on the builders with an ‘albatross’ performance 6-2 win, to keep them in the Premiership ‘cut’ for the new season.

Netsix & Chill are also in a spot of bother at the bottom and needed a ‘slice’ of luck against the ‘up and down’ Nawachusai FC! Netsix & Chill took the early initiative and were 2-0 up at the ‘half way stage’ before Nawachusai brought the game back to ‘par’ and then hit the winning ‘drive’ to clinch the match ‘3&2!’ Nick was the star performer in this victory and quite rightly claimed man of the match. Apart from condensing the relegation battle to involve just Netsix & Chill and Walker Construction, this result also means that Nawachusai FC are back in with a shout of finishing runners up! What a curious season it has been!

Not So Athletic are also now safe from relegation, but their 8-4 victory over SWR Youth FC tonight may well have cost the youngsters their runners up ambition. Not So Athletic were just too strong tonight and were deserved winners in a highly competitive match.

Although Stroud Old Boys are champions, Lioncourt Legends have been their ‘bogie’ team this season! Lioncourt completed the double over the Premiership Champions tonight, in a close end to end game, by 5 goals to 3.  

So next week the key Premiership games will be involving SWR Youth FC and Nawachusai FC, in the battle for runners up and the matches involving Netsix & Chill and Walker Construction at the bottom. No place for ‘Bottlers’ in any of these teams!

DIVISION ONE

Breakaway Boys FC thought they were a ‘fairway’ towards reaching their Premiership goal until tonight when in an amazingly close game they lost to their arch rivals, The Spice Boys. It is rare for a game to be settled by the only goal, but tonight this game was settled with a single strike by Martyn to give The Spice Boys all three points and ‘putt’ them within two points of Breakaway, with one game left! What a dramatic end of season it will be at the top!

At the other end of the table both relegation contenders won, and in doing so, drew Vic Vets into the relegation battle!

Bottom placed, The Legends, were involved in an amazing contest with the in-form and highly entertaining Warehouse Warriors. The Legends hit the ‘sweet-spot’ with a fantastic 9-7 victory to keep their survival hopes alive.

However fellow strugglers, Making Emile Of It, also won in another cracking game against Vic Vets, and ran out 6-2 winners. The ‘wedge’ between the two teams at the bottom remains at 2 points. For Making Emile Of It, Oscar was the star performer up front and as always cool defending by Steve meant that they turned an early deficit around to clinch all three points.

As a consequence Vic Vets have now been ‘drawn’ into the relegation battle but their superior goal difference should be sufficient to keep them up! Maybe?

Average Joe’s were again in impressive goal scoring form and scored 9 against Hot Coles, whilst only conceding 2. In fact Jack hit all of the Average Joe’s goals in a team that has improved significantly in recent weeks. Their ‘link’ play was superb!

DIVISION TWO

Ebley Street Elite are champions of Division Two after claiming a 3-0 win and all three points against Bottlers! They have been the team to beat all season, in fact they have only lost one game throughout! Well done lads, it has been a great season for you and you are worthy champions.

The battle for runners up continues and could well come down to goal difference!

Tonight Adidas All Stars defeated an industrious Odd Balls team 8-4, whilst Stroud7 won 11-1 against TGR. The outcome is that both teams are on 28 points and Adidas have a modest 2 goal advantage on goal difference! You couldn’t make this stuff up!

For Stroud7, special mention has to go to Keiron who hit one goal and then Keir-on went on and on and on and on and on, as he hit six goals! He has every right to still be going on and on about his impressive goal scoring feat, until the next time he plays! So be prepared!

Newcomers, How I Met Your Mata defeated Randwick Warriors 6-1 but it says a lot about the Randwick performance when Josh, in the How I Met Your Mata goal, collected the man of the match award!

FRIENDLY

Ebley Street Elite with their full squad available, and in attendance, took on The Pensioners, who boasted some rather experienced veteran players. These guys maybe a little ‘wooden’ nowadays but they are made of ‘iron’ and with the comparative youngster George, a ‘chip’ of the old block, also in their numbers, they were a ‘fore-midable’ sight…so to speak!

All was going to plan in the first half and Ebley were comfortably 3-0 up at the interval. But in the second half The Pensioners got a second wind, well some kind of wind anyway, and got themselves back into the game. Clive, Chris and Phil rolled back the years, and there was a hell of a lot of rolling back available, and together with Fin in goal they eventually drew 5-5. Unbelievable stuff and I would like to say that it was their wisdom that enabled this feat to take place....but I can’t! Let’s say experience at times out-foxed their youthful opposition! George took the plaudits at the end for his hat trick and also for having a hand in the other two goals. But it must also be mentioned that Clive scored, if you haven’t heard already! Just when we thought he would ‘shank’ his shot, there was a touch of a ‘fade’ in his ’Sally Gunnell’ effort. And Josh was heard to shout…’what the Eck was that.’

So that’s it lads. One more week remaining and I just can’t wait for the final instalment of an epic season!

[flauntpage]

Put The Masters Tournament on Your Sports Bucket List

Long before returning to Philadelphia to take a gig with Eyewitness News, I was slogging through the graveyard shift at WJBF News Channel 6 in Augusta, Georgia.

It was a small town, kind of sleepy, sitting on the Savannah River and centering a metro area of about 600,000 people, which is 5.4 million fewer folks than what we’ve got up here. We were television market #117, sandwiched between the hustling and bustling cities of Fort Wayne and Reno on the Nielsen charts.

College football dominated Augusta, about 60/40 Georgia Bulldog to South Carolina Gamecock fans, with other SEC expats finding work in town. A couple of division two basketball programs, Augusta State and USC-Aiken, actually had a nice little rivalry going. High school football used to draw a few thousand people every Friday night, too, which was insane and very typically southern. This was the real deal, and it made games at Garnet Valley or St. Joe’s Prep look insignificant in comparison.

But the king sport in town was golf, obviously. I used to drive by Augusta National at 10:45 p.m. on my way to work, and there it was, just sitting across the street from an IHOP and a Christian book store – the most famous golf course in the world. All I could see was a brief glimpse of the clubhouse down Magnolia Lane, because massive trees blocked the rest of the course from sight. If you weren’t looking for it, you’d easily miss it.

Maybe The Masters is a niche thing, but you should put it on your bucket list and make the trip down there sometime, because it’s a really unique and enjoyable experience.

I went in 2008 and 2009, and I doubt much has changed in ten years’ time. The cool thing about the course is that it’s very old fashioned, from the scoreboard to the vendors and everything in between. And it’s not in some exotic location outside of the city proper, it’s located on a stretch called Washington Road, which I’d describe as a Baltimore Pike type of thoroughfare featuring all sorts of stores and fast food joints. You literally pass an Arby’s and an Olive Garden and then Augusta National is just up ahead, on your right.

The waiting list for tickets (known as badges) is something like years long, so you can either buy them for an arm and a leg off the internet, or stand outside the gates and buy used badges during the practice round days. I did the former in 2008 and the latter in 2009, throwing some guy $100 for his badges as he left the course early in the afternoon. My friend and I then used his passes for re-entry, followed Vijay Singh around the course, and walked around for a few hours before heading home. That move was risky, since there was no guarantee anyone would sell to us, but we got lucky.

I’d really suggest going for the practice rounds before the tournament starts, because the rules are different. You’re allowed to take photos and move around a lot more easily. Players are just casually moving through the course, getting a feel for the fairways and greens, and warming up ahead of round one on Thursday.

The first year, I went with my dad, grandfather, and godfather, and we followed Tiger Woods around for a few holes before peeling off and watching Phil Mickelson come around Amen Corner. When people say that “every inch” of grass is perfectly cut, they’re not bullshitting you. I worked on the grounds crew up at Bella Vista in Gilbertsville for three summers, and we’d never be able to get the course looking like this:

That pohot was shot with a late-90s Olympus digital camera, but even with crappy resolution you see how well-manicured the course is.

For context, our entire fleet at Bella Vista contained two John Deere triplex mowers, the big three-wheeled vehicles you use to cut the fairways. At Augusta, I saw five of those mowers on the same fairway, all cutting in a staggered line. They literally had more mowers on one fairway than we did in our entire fleet.

Another cool thing about The Masters is that the clubhouse and concessions are very simple and old school. When you enter the grounds, you come through a concourse with a shop on one side, bathrooms on the other, and then the food area. Here’s the entryway:

It gets tight in there, but the really unique thing is that they don’t rip you off. The merchandise is very fairly priced and the concessions are insanely cheap, because they don’t carry corporate branding, but essentially white label their products instead.

For instance, you might buy a pack of crackers at the tournament made by Lance, but the package would just say “peanut butter crackers” or something like that. Similarly, these sandwiches cost something like $2.50, and they’re made locally every morning and delivered to the tournament as such:

I think we spent something like $12 and came away with two sandwiches, two bags of peanuts, and two drinks. Twelve dollars at the Wells Fargo Center might get you one slice of pizza, right? One of those huge Lorenzo’s jawns.

The other minimalist feature of the course is the wooden signposts and scoreboards posted throughout. I don’t know if it’s been updated since, but this big old non-electronic scoreboard sits right near the clubhouse between the 18th green and 1st tee box:

You can even see homeboy on the ladder putting in the player names manually.

Another reason I recommend the practice rounds is because it’s a more laid back experience overall. Players sort of wing it as they go through the course, and you’ll often see stuff like this photo, which is Tiger and Mark O’Meara getting a feel for the 18th with multiple balls while hordes of people just sit there and watch:

You also get some quirks that happen only on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

One of the things you’ll see is people taking up spots on his hill that sits to the left of the 16th hole tee box. As the players walk towards the green, they normally stop and try to skip balls across the water and onto the green, which seems like a strange tradition, but it’s just a fun thing they do for the crowd before continuing on to putt:

I think the coolest thing about walking the course is just seeing the spots made famous from past tournaments. You come around Amen Corner and think about shots hit by Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer (and Jordan Spieth, unfortunately). You see Rae’s Creek and The Big Oak Tree sitting on the course side of the clubhouse, which is a staging area for television crews as they interview players coming off the 18th:

But the coolest thing about The Masters is just this kind of trippy and nostalgic vibe you get walking around the course, like you teleported back to the 50s, but in a good way. There’s no corporate crap serving as a distraction and you aren’t blasted by ridiculous food and drink prices or modern day sports entertainment. There’s no music being pumped through loudspeakers, no fireworks, nobody jumping a motorcycle through a flaming hoop. It’s just a minimalist golf tournament without the assorted fanfare. Sure, there are negatives that come with all of that, and Masters organizers haven’t been the most progressive people over the years, but the tournament itself is one hell of an experience, just something different and unique and highly recommended. Augusta is only a 12 hour drive from Philly, or you can hop a connector to the airport from Charlotte or Atlanta, so it’s a super easy trip. Try to do it before you croak.

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