#tags are full of people on awesome gender journeys

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Hello! I just wanted to say I stumbled across one of your posts and ended up looking through the trans tag in your blog for a while and idk it felt so so nice to see a middle aged trans guy just living life and being there for others who are at earlier points of their own trans related journeys, and I hope I can look as awesome as you and be as comfortable in my own skin and style and everything when I'm older.

I guess I also wanted to ask if you had any insight or advice about a couple things, if you're willing to share.. First thing is, did you ever struggle with passing but looking much younger than your age and that somewhat affecting your perception of yourself? I'm 28 and I started T 11 months ago (though at a pretty low dose because I wanted slow changes) and my face just recently started visibly shifting to a more masculine contour and I love it, but I still don't really look like a 28 year old guy.

I've always passed easily even before T but people think I'm like 18-21 max. Things were fine while I was in college (I came out at 19 so for a while my face just felt fitting enough and didn't make me feel either dysphoric or in a weird age limbo) but every year it feels more frustrating and makes me feel sort of alienated from myself including in mental ways, like I'm just a little kid who can't grow up. Like I'll never look like a "real guy" even though I can be stealth because I look like a weird teen and not like a grown up man. It's especially bad when I look at my amab younger siblings who are now also adults and see how I "should have looked" in some other life if I was cis. I guess maybe that's just another manifestation of dysphoria that I didn't have to deal with before? Did you ever experience something like that? And if yes did it get better after some years on T or how did you deal with it?

The other thing is just.. internalized transphobia. It's one thing to know things in a logical or intellectual sense but it's so hard to really feel and believe it sometimes and let go of all the awful transphobic stuff my family said to me during the first years of me being out. I just kept going anyway because I needed to be true to myself and my family basically bullying me wasn't gonna just magically change how I felt about my gender, but what it did do is put my already low confidence and self esteem (in this context regarding my gender) down on the floor. And sometimes I still just think and worry "what if they were right and I was wrong and I'll never be real and valid because of x y z", "what if I'm just delusional", "what if I'm a ridiculous freak". I know, in a way, that no I'm not. I'm just a trans person and they're just transphobes. But feelings like that just get to me sometimes and I don't really know what to do about them even nearly 10 years after coming out. Does that get better at some point? Just like you kinda stop giving a shit what people think about you in general as you get older? But how can you change those internalized views affecting what you think of yourself?

Bit nervous about asking this stuff tbh, so sorry it was so long also sorry if I worded any of it in a not so great way.

I will say though, that seeing older trans people like you does help a little bit. Just makes it feel like "hell yeah I wanna be like him when I grow up". So thank you for showing me that today ;u; (and also for inspiring me to put a little more thought and effort into my styling and fashion choices haha)

Heya, Anon! Let's see what I can cover here:

Looking young.

Oh my god, yes. I was getting carded to buy superglue and spray paint well into my late 30s (I started T at 33). When my partner first asked me out for a date, they were worried I wasn't old enough to drink yet (I was 36).

This is me 1 year on T, age 34.

Years 6 & 7 (ages 39 and 40), is when I feel I started looking older.

I feel like it's only been recently, 14 years in at 47, that I look in my 40s, and a "mature" adult. My beard finally getting full helped, as did my receding hairline. And I feel like my skin texture has toughened up enough, to where wrinkles show more.

That said, yes, it is tough and annoying to deal with. Even when people tell me I look like a particular cis man (where I actually see the resemblance, lol), when I look at us side-by-side, I feel like I'm just a pale shadow of him. I feel jealous and dysphoric, even while I'm flattered by the comparison. I wonder what I "should" look like, and it feels like something has been stolen from me. Its a roller coaster of emotions.

That feeling never really goes away, but you need to afford yourself some grace. You're going to be your own worst critic, and I guarantee you that, of many cis men you grew up with, you can probably still see the kid in them. So of course, you're going to see the kid in yourself.

But, you also just need to let time run its course. HRT is a marathon, and a lot of changes don't really settle for about 5 or 6 years.

I hate to say "enjoy it while you can" because I sure as hell bristled at being mistaken for a teenager or barely 20 when I was in my 30s. But do enjoy what you can of it. Because once you hit middle age, you're going to start dealing with a strange intersection of dysphoria and aging that I myself am still trying to navigate.

One other way I help myself get over negative feelings is to think of how differently my life would have been if I were cis. I honestly worry I would have been a worse person; even though being trans creates a lot of obstacles in my life, I feel like it's been a net gain: being able to know myself so well and help others learn about themselves.

Internalized transphobia

This got better for me with age. My epiphany was that, even over a decade into my transition, I was still softening myself for the benefit of friends and family. I was still using my gender-neutral birthname (I only recently changed it). I would call myself a "person", "guy", or "dude", instead of a "man". I dressed on the young and casual side, eschewing full-on masculine outfits like proper suits with ties.

I only recently pulled myself out of this. It still is a habit-in-progress to refer to myself as a man, even though I have always felt like one. And I've started to dress more vintage, not just because of hyper fixations, but because it's a way to lean into a presentation that is unequivocally, "this is a middle-aged man". And it's done a lot of good for my mental health.

What I'd suggest is to see if you are holding yourself back in any way wrt your gender presentation or how you talk/think about yourself. Give yourself full permission to acknowledge that you are a man, full stop. You're a young man, sure. But still a man, and a full-ass adult at that.

I hope some of this helps. Transition gives us a unique toolset for examining who we are and how we want to move through the world, and that work certainly doesn't end after finally getting on HRT. <3

[mxbutchtwink]

you shared a post on non-binary sexuality and gender. May I ask, as a newly enby person, if im attracted to guys and nb-masc, and i am a male, how would you label it? Gay? Queer? Im asking because i know next to nothing :P thank you in advanced!

Okay so first of all I need to say that sexuality is whack as hell and it���s different for everyone. At the end of the day, labels are there to help make us comfortable. It is up to each individual person to evaluate which labels they use to identify themselves. It’s a long, hard confusing process for some and a clear path for others, and it’s okay to question or change these labels throughout your journey or to not use any at all. You, and only you, can determine who you are as a person.

That being said, you could totally identify as queer or gay if that is what makes sense for you. There is also the technical term, androsexual, which just means attraction to masculinity. Pan sexual or bisexual are options as well. You could also say that you’re interested in men/nb people instead of stating a fixed sexual orientation, there are numerous ways of describing your experience. Probably more than I can fit into a tumblr post. It’s just up to you on what you’d like to use or what works best for you.

In my personal experience as a gender non conforming- possibly non-binary individual, I am attracted to people regardless of gender. Though I heavily lean towards masculinity. I don’t really have a set label that I use. In technical terms I would be pan or polysexual, but I often use gay to describe myself. It just depends on what you’re most comfortable with really. I like the phrase ‘attracted to masculine people’ because it’s not saying that I’m strictly attracted to certain genders, but more so to people on a point of a spectrum, if that makes sense. I don’t know, gender and sexuality are weird.

I wish you the best of luck with finding yourself, I hope this helps a little! There are countless blogs and YouTube creators out there that could probably help you more if you want more information. I know there are a lot of great enbies out there who can share their own experiences. I would suggest the ‘nblm’ tag as well, the internet is full of different people and I’m sure some of them will be happy to help you out. Thank you for the ask, please keep being your awesome self!

[queen-of-the-crows]

OC Fact Meme

Another OC meme! tagged by @a-shakespearean-in-paris you should all follow her, shes awesome. I’m gonna fill this one out for Thea Hawke seeing as she romances my favorite character

Also, I need to finialize some stuff for her since that’s going to be my next little fic

GENERAL

Name: Thea Amaya Hawke

Alias(es): Lady Amell, Lady Hawke, Champion of Kirkwall, Hawke, Thea (Fenris is the only one of their company who calls her by her first name but only after their first night together), Love (Fenris calls her love when they’re alone after getting back together), Jynx (Varric’s other nickname as bad things seem to always follow her)

Gender: female

Age: 21 at the destruction of Lothering, 28 at the end of Dragon Age 2

Date of birth: Dragon 9:10, winter

Place of birth: Denerim, Fereldan. This is where her parents stayed until she was born and they didnt have to worry about her mother traveling Spoken languages: Common tongue, some Qunlat (taught by Fenris while she taught him to read) Sexual orientation: She considers herself to be straight although she spent some time with other girls while she was a teenager in Lothering; its men that she’s attracted to Occupation: Champion of Kirkwall, former tavern girl while in Lothering, Vicountess of Kirkwall although she didn’t hold the post long, former smuggler

APPEARANCE

Eye color: bright deep blue Hair colour: pure white. her parents always said it was the magic in their blood and the Fereldan winter that made her hair white Height: 5′6 Scars: The largest is one that spans from her left shoulder blade and then goes down her back on a diagonal, ending at her right hip, received from a Qunari blade during their siege; Anders healed it enough for her to fight the Arishok but even his magic had its limits. She has another on her left forearm from when she was teenager received in a fight depending Bethany from a bully which she won of course. The thid is a stab wound in her right thigh given to her by the carta when she was smuggling. Burns: N/A Overweight: No Underweight: No, she isn’t under weight she is thin and toned for her size. Being a rogue, she relies on speed and not the muscle for brute strength.

FAVOURITE

Colour:

blues and dark red

Hair colour

she always thought she prefered darker colors, like black or deep brown until she met Fenris and couldn’t imagine it any other way

Eye colour:

Any color that would captivate her and mesmerize her, draw her in making Fenris’s eyes the most beautiful she had ever seen

Music genre:

She doesnt spend much time listening to music, she reads or plays Diamondback or Wicked Grace or draws. if she was a music person she would probably listen to things like Evanescence.

Movie genre:

Mysterys as she loves puzzles to solve and comedies cause sometimes she would need something lighter in her life

Tv show:

She would probably watch shows like Doctor Who, full of adventure in strange places and Sherlock cause of mysteries

Food:

She’ll eat whatever but her favorite thing is any type of pasta and she has a wicked sweet tooth for cake

Drink: Rum, specifically spiced rum

Book: Anything and everything. she did read all of Varric’s Hard in Hightown. 

HAVE THEY

Passed university: definitely not, with apostates in her family she didn’t have formal schooling Had sex: Yes of course Had sex in public: if by public we mean not in someone’s home then yes. but no one was ever around, they were always alone Gotten pregnant: no and she doesnt want children Kissed a boy: Yes Kissed a girl: Yes Gotten tattoos: No Gotten piercings: no Had a broken heart: Somewhat, their was a boy in Lothering when she was 16 Been in love: With Fenris Stayed up for more than 24 hours: definitely, more than once

ARE THEY

A virgin: No A cuddler: oh most definitely A kisser: there are few things that she would rather do more than kiss Fenris; correction there are none

Scared easily: by things no, by the thought of her own death no, by something happening to Fenris most definitely, nothing scares her more 

Jealous easily: Fenris gives her no reason to be jealous as he only has eyes for her so she has never really had her jealousy tested to know Trustworthy: Yes Dominant: she does both, depending on her mood and Fen’s mood Submissive: see above, their relationship is a healthy mix of both In love: Most definitely Single: Nope and never will be again

RANDOM QUESTIONS

Have they harmed themselves: No, not on purpose. There were training incidents when she was younger and learning her weapon Thought of suicide: somewhat but never in a she would do it type of way; she would be lying if she said the thought never crossed her mind after losing Carver, Bethany, and her mother but it was more in passing and then not again Attempted suicide: No Wanted to kill someone: Oh yes, the monster who killed her mother and Danarius and she took joy in both their deaths. Except in circumstances like that, she doesn’t relish killing people Drove a car: She’s a fairly competent horseback rider, in modern times she would probably drive a classic muscle car Have/had a job: she was a tavern wench in Lothering and was briefly Vicountess of Kirkwall, also was a smuggler  Have any fears: Fenris dying or being taken from her, her life meaning nothing, failing the ones closest to her

FAMILY

sibling(s):

Carver Hawke, younger brother by 3 years. Killed by an Ogre while escaping Lothering. He always had a rough relationship with Thea and they never got the chance to repair it before he died.

Bethany Hawke, younger sister by 3 years. Died in the Deep Roads during Bartrand’s expedition, taken by the darkspawn taint. She was always very close to Thea and her death devastated Thea. She wanted go get something special to remember her by but hadnt found the perfect thing. Bethany was sunshine in her life

parents:

Malcolm Hawke, from Ferelden, an apostate who escaped the circle. Died in Lothering, taught Thea how to use a quarterstaff as it was close to wielding an actual staff and the only weapon he knew how to use

Leandra Amell Hawke, from Kirkwall, thought she was left out by her parents when she chose Malcolm but they loved her all the same. She didnt always agree with Thea’s choices and they did but heads over some things including Fenris initially and the fact that Thea didn’t want to live the life her mother wished of her which was that of a noble. she came around though

children:

none, she and Fenris decided that wasn’t something that they wanted for their life

pets:

As a child she had a fat grey kitten she named Charcoal who followed her everywhere, she had the cat from kitten all the way until the day it died when it was about 15 years old.

a Mabari that she ironically named Barkspawn who found her while waiting for the ship to Kirkwall and immediately took a liking to her and came along for the journey

Wow this took a while, but it was fun! Tagging @annorarutherford @enchantment1385 @sassylavellen

[designforsocialimpact]

11 – Amsterdam, SenseCamp and Math

Nothing screams “what a great week ahead” more than starting your week with math (insert sarcasm here). The magic of numbers and their statical relations seemed to be a bigger bite than we could chew for such an early session. But we are awesome as usual, and we managed it.

It was interesting to get a glimpse of everyone thesis research and discuss our findings from our first survey. Hardcore application.

Later that day I created our invitations prototypes for our über cool mega innovative event on December 8th (save the date!!!) - “What art can do… for social impact?” - My peeps and I wanted to check if these invitations were a valid form of approaching our community in PCA… such hard cookies to get that we have to give a thought how we fish their attention right away. Our ginny-pigs were our friends from Transdisciplinary New Media, cool peeps.

Tuesday morning we had our 1-2-1 sessions with sabine in the morning, nice to think about the things we want to be doing professionally and personally in the future and the things we are planning to do to get there. Also, it was a check up about our learning and processes with MakeSense. The energising morning that ended up with a nice pizza at De Vito (I totally recommend btw)  - BURRATA!!!!!

In the afternoon we analyse the feedback from many of our prototypes: the invitations, welcome game, master of ceremony, walk through of our user journey… Then we jumped to inviting our speakers and exhibitors, deciding on our open call - producing our event and making it happen as fast as we can, the best experience we can!

Wednesday was FABLAB day, fabulous! We got to play a bit more with the machines and plan a bit more our event. The clock is ticking folks! Oh, and I had, again, this delicious veggie rice from Bob’s Cafe, always worth a visit to my tummy. At night Hanna, Vaila and I tried to watch a movie from the Queer - total FLOP! It was all sold out… in 3 different cinemas… so we ended up at the bar with fancy cocktails because we deserved it! Consolation Prize!

Thursday morning I had my cool Art of Code class, love to create and get crazy with my creations.

Thursday afternoon was time for SCHOOL FIELD TRIP to AMSTERDAM for our first SenseCamp! YAY! First time in Amsterdam, great city vibe, beautiful views.

Thursday night I had to separate myself from my ladybirds, as I was staying with a friend and they went to a hostel. Nice to catch up with a friend I haven’t seen for some time and I heard that the ladies had a neon full 90’s vegan dinner to spice up their lives. (HA!)

Friday we went Design studio hopping in Amsterdam! After some pancakes we met with the crew from What Design Can Do, we caught them right before they travel to São Paulo for their own conference hosted there. We also made a stop at the Fashion For Good Organisation exhibition, amazing concept and very exciting proposals for a better and more conscious fashion industry and behaviour.

In the afternoon we headed to Butterfly Works, the trip there was amazing already… crossing the town and its canals, getting the ferry to get to where once were industrial. The peeps from Butterfly works were as nice as people can be, it was a lovely knowledge sharing moment. After we went scavenging for the Northern Light (sounds poetic, but it was just a nice restaurant as we were hungry as usual…). After we were full and cosy, it was time to head to SenseCamp.

We got our name tags and opened-up about our superpowers (Amy: Engaging Ideas, Hanna: Sponge & Spark, Myself: Making people laugh, Smarti: Bad Dad jokes - and she’s so “good" at it, Vaila: eating - and being late hahaha). After more food - we love eating- we had a Forum Theatre in which is a participatory theatre format in gender equality to kick-off the activities of the weekend.

We divided ourselves between different hold-ups, Sense fiction, Sense Bar in the 3 main subjects of the event: Food, Gender Equality and Civic Engagement. In the middle of all of that, we had a party with a Drag show and a lot of makeup and props. My nails are so beautiful btw.

It was a great and surprising week, with all the math, the new places and new people we got to encounter. Without mentioning the good time on the train as well! Now we are all busy narrowing down our thesis theme so we can actually present in 3 weeks our proposal!!!

Good luck everyone and don’t forget to save the date (December 14th, just saying).