#swonpost

[ask-swag-oneler]

Can we have a tour of your house? Is it a factory?

I suppose, if you're really interested. It's not a factory, or anything, just a house.

I mentioned before, I, uh. Live apart from the factory. Work continues without me.

Here's the kitchen, you may be familiar.

The back door there leads to a little hallway, like a, whachamacallit. An entryway? It has the entrance to the basement, and then it goes out to my backyard.

It's freezing, so. Just take my word for it.

If you take my word on anything, that is.

Lessee. Uh. There's the living room, the dining room. The front door.

There's a little half bathroom next to the front door too, which is typical of New England weirdness. Don't ask me why.

Uh. I suppose we could go upstairs.

There's not much to see, but, y'know. It's part of the house. Exciting, right?

Sooo, here's the upstairs hall.

There's the actual bathroom, through there, with a tub and stuff. Besides that, just closets out here. There's like an awkwardly shaped closet every 3 feet. Another weird New England thing.

Not sure what's meant to be kept in them, but when I moved in there was like an old rug and some dusty wires, so those are...still in there. Also parts from a broken vacuum. Otherwise they're empty. I don't have too much stuff to store outside of my office.

Speaking of which: the office.

Oh, uhm, also.

We're not going in my bedroom. But that's up here too.

Anyway, ta-daa, the upstairs office.

I don't tend to actually use it as a place to work. I just keep old paperwork and clothes. Just old factory plans, some thneed desi--OH!

Oh-oh-oh! Wait, you'll like this!

I know I have it somewhere! Hang on. I definitely still--Ah! Yes, yes! Here it is.

Hoo-hoo, a famous Swag-Oneler thneed. Still all folded up in it's collector's box. I keep forgetting this is around.

God, I still get a little jittery looking at this. This one was just when we did the re-brand, but we didn't really change much about the original design from waayyy back when, just little tweaks for quality.

I was so nervous around this time, I couldn't even pay attention to much of what the marketing department actually did with the packaging. I'm not even sure if this is the final version that got distributed to the retail outlets, probably just a mock-up that I just vaguely nodded at, haha.

You wanna know the best thing about new thneeds? The smell. This one isn't new, but it definitely still has it.

I remember people looking at me weird when I would visit the Textile Processing department and just stick my face into bins of harvested truffula. I couldn't help it.

It's like. I don't even know if I could properly describe it.

It's so...it smells like...something that's been warmed by the sun just moments before you picked it up. Even though it's been in a cold, dusty closet this whole time.

That's not even a smell, is it? It's not warm to the touch, it just...smells warm? Kinda. I'm not doing it justice at all.

It's so fresh, and familiar, and, cozy, and...well, you get the idea. I love these things. Maybe it's just a onceler predilection. Maybe not, I dunno.

Either way, it takes me back. Way back.

Hmm. Well.

I should probably get back downstairs.

Thanks for this, though.

[ask-swag-oneler]

How’re you doing buddy? I just got caught up with your blog and wanted to make sure you were still ok

I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking, I appreciate it.

Things have been same-old, same-old around here, I guess. A pretty boring answer, I know. My ankle feels better, though.

And uh, I haven't been arrested. That's notable.

[ask-swag-oneler]

*hands you a plate of lemon cookies and a cup of milk* Welcome back! :)

Now this is more like it. A little welcome party for my ol' weary self. Cheers.

[ask-swag-oneler]

What are you on about. EVEYRONE knows you've got a pesky floater in your right eye! Is it still there? Has your brain learned to suppress it yet?

Oh sure, just go ahead and make my private medical details everybody's business. Some pal you are.

[ask-swag-oneler]

It's time for your yearly eye exam, Swone.

What? Why?? My eyes are fine. I can see perfectly. Maybe you should have your eyes examined for...uh. Not being able to see that I can see perfectly.

[ask-swag-oneler]

You could really say you didn’t see that ask coming huh?

I'm going to pretend I didn't see this one at all.

[ask-swag-oneler]

I'm surprised you don't have a speech impediment with those teeth. Saying 'th' must be difficult without biting your tongue huh? Did you really think selling 'THneeds' was the best idea?

Why is everyone concerned with my teeth and eyes suddenly? I don't have a speech impediment, but I'll be honest, it took me a long time to practice without injuring my mouth in some way. After this whole experience, I am firmly against having razor sharp teeth. I do not recommend it.

[ask-swag-oneler]

are u still alive

Still alive. Always here.

[ask-swag-oneler]

HEY OLD MAN!! ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!!

Yes, I am a decrepit old man, one foot in the coffin…but still alive. Thanks for asking.

[ask-swag-oneler]

Did you get a good deal on the cleaning supplies? I never can win with that.

A good deal? I pay full price. I'm damn rich and coupons are for dorks.

[ask-swag-oneler]

Swone Swone bo Bone Banana fanna fo Fone Fee fy mo Mone SWONE!!!!

Your satanic chanting has summoned me from the depths of the kitchen. I will grant one wish but in return I need you to tell me how to operate my smartphone without having to take my glove off every time I need to type something.

[ask-swag-oneler]

u gave me a heart attack

Me?! YOU gave ME a heart attack! Are you spying on me from behind the clearance rack?? Let me buy my cleaning supplies in peace, weirdo.

[ask-swag-oneler]

What is your favourite paper towel brand from walgreens?

Uh. How did you know I was at Walgreens. Buying paper towels. That is seriously creepy. You are creepy. Stop that.

And before you ask, no, I was NOT just standing here in Walgreens looking at the Bounty and dazing out and suddenly remembering I have a blog. So. Yeah.

[ask-swag-oneler]

I'm never quite prepared to see an askblog on my dash but it makes me smile like crazy when I do.

Well, you're welcome. I'm glad my involuntary presence on this site is still appreciated.

[ask-swag-oneler]

nice scarf

AAUUGHHH--!!

[ask-swag-oneler]

lorge borger

Y..Yeah. Um. Alright.