#swallowpit / kara.

[danviers]

@swallowpit asked: what else do you want from me? / Kara BC angst

" Literally nothing, " came Alex's overwhelmingly lukewarm retort, the unspoken weight of everything that filled the silence preceding those words no less gargantuan than the disappointment, frustration and dejection she could feel coming off her adoptive sister in tidal waves.  In truth, there'd been too much: stop eavesdropping with your super - hearing; stop putting holes in things; stop being so weird at school. Yet asking those things of Kara, now, more than a year in the shadow of dad's vanishing, had never felt more pointless. " Just... try to get it together. "

[reignthem]

@swallowpit said: combat!

¹ .ㅤ‘ via the system of touch ’ . 

strength comes with an inherent violence associated to it. someone with strength is someone who FIGHTS, a clenched fist with knuckles bared & swinging. it's underscored with resounding impact. in the wake of reign's destructive purpose still hovering its sinister intent over national city, sam can't help but associate the remnant kryptonian power housed in her veins with the brutality that accompanied it.

( strength, to sam, is the grit, the tireless determination, that carried her through a struggling decade of raising a child, in creating her own support system. it's resilience, not force. )

even still, she's here, wielding a right hook that comes through more like a bent angle. it's all momentum, thrust forward onto her right front foot, & staggering.

" ------- oof! " tumbles with her onto the mat in a sprawl of limbs that haven't yet adjusted to her newfound abilities. the air looses her lungs in a rush. sam tilts herself onto her elbow in an effort to recover with a grimace stretching ruefully across her lips. " something tells me that's not exactly going to send the bad guys packing ... "

[lgbtcorp]

@swallowpit / kara: i made a choice. this is my family.

it's hard, really, seeing her friend faced with a fantasy she'd been thinking about since she was ten. kara is faced with a ripcord - an escape. if she could escape the last fifteen years of her life, of taunting, of too-tight dresses and too-low cleavages, then she would too. but her family doesn't exist outside of a portrait — lillian, cool as ever, seemingly colder in oil paints, lionel, calm on the outside but a raging storm beneath the surface, and lex being the epitome of all mixed together yet less tightly-trussed. since she was young, her family was something new. unknown. a question mark, a mental blank in her brain that she'd been trying to contest with for the entirety of her adult life. it was different. new.

she doesn't blame her for considering argo. if she knew her real family could be out there too, she'd have boarded that ship as soon as she figured out how to solder. but when it comes to that dark, selfish part of her, and when she wrapped her arms around a would-be-could-be-should-be friend and uttered her own goodbye, the creeping cold began to take up too much space. (it's a bitterness she's been trying to swallow, because it reminds her too much of the portrait. nature is a strong force, but nurture may be stronger still.)

it was a long evening, retiring herself from the office a little earlier than usual with jess's ever-eager pushing. she'd already swiped her coat from its rack and was standing expectantly in the door the moment she saw the colour almost entirely drained from her face, and with a little coaxing, and bundling, and threatening, lena'd made it home while the sun was still setting.

a scotch would settle her nerves if it was only one. but like all luthors, there's a hint of indulgence that never quite leaves. that small voice in the back of her head slings another down her throat, and another, and another, and when she starts crying like the weak-hearted fool that lex'd pegged her for since day one, she'd barely had time to check her makeup before the door went.

she answers it, sullenly.

"kara, i — what are you doing here?"

[lgbtcorp]

"i'm trying. hard to do when your brother plots your demise from behind bars." it's also hard to do when you actively put yourself in harm's way because there's a shred of something inside you that says it's better off that way. (it's not a suicidal thread beginning to unravel — just one of... acceptance. understanding. knowing that if it happens, there's at least a reason. the not knowing is the worst bit — those few hours after the latest poisoning, gunshot, kidnapping, and not knowing why? that's what makes her mind churn.)

"it's been a long night." and just like that, the spark's gone. (it's not gone forever — it's a momentary thing. the second of thinking that supergirl is going to close the gap between them, leave a bruising kiss against her lip that splits it and leaves it throbbing before leaving in a zip of wind against her balcony doors. that's what leaves her when the space between their bodies grows.)

"i've got some appraisals to look over. there are a few projects that need a go-ahead from me." it couples the shrug of her good arm and she glances over to the home office perfectly cooked up in the corner room of the apartment. she won't sleep — she finds herself surprisingly sensitive to caffeine, and it's been her saving grace through her phds, but if supergirl's intent on leaving, she'll find herself busy nonetheless.

it's completely uncouth to have sex dreams about your bestie and even more worse (yikes, kara) to toe damn close to the line of flirting openly, knowing damn well lena doesn't really know who she's flirting with. it's enough to make her back off, just slightly, letting go of the mug and settling back onto her instep, to put only a fraction more space between them.

(of course she pictures it: soft skin under silk sheets, the hint of the most expensive perfume on the planet, a breathy moan cut off by a loud shout -- what she wouldn't give to know how it feels. what she tastes like. soft in all the places kara is not, giving when kara takes, pressing on bruises and looking so, so pretty marked up in delicate, indecent places. kara doesn't think of herself as a possessive person, but with lena, she could make an exception.)

"we should work on that," she says quietly, unable to really look the other woman in the eye any longer, and clears her throat. "it's late -- early? you're tired, i'm sure."

[danviers]

@swallowpit asked: you want me to be something i'm not. / Kara

" That's not true. " Alex’s shame, much like the tension tightening her jaw with the effort she'd made to stop the resentment in those words from slipping through her like a knife, held itself in the watery depths of her eyes a fraction too resolutely.  " I'm trying to protect you. To keep you safe. "

Whether that had been from the DEO, the government, the kids in Midvale or just the world at large, that had never stopped being true. Where her sister's purpose had long shifted, metamorphosed and twisted over time by how vital it was that she fit in, acclimate to a planet still innately mistrusting of aliens and learn what it meant to be Kara Danvers rather than who she'd been on Krypton, Alex's — perhaps begrudgingly, at first, and then with steadfastness, rooted by an unconditional and unbreakable bond — was Kara. Kara's wellbeing, Kara's secret. Kara's happiness, whatever it might cost her. 

And it had cost her.

“ I know you, " she pressed, almost more plea than provision of defense. While things had started on shaky ground, that much was beyond dispute.  " Better than anyone knows you.  And — I don't know what it's like to lose your entire planet... but I do know how it feels to not be true to yourself. And I don't want that for you. "

[reignthem]

@swallowpit said: i never realized i could love someone this much.

PROMPTS FOR BEST FRIENDS TO LOVERS

" well, i'm just glad you guys are finally figuring it out. " sam's smile is kind, knowing, a happy glimmer of amusement along for the ride. " i mean, the chemistry between the two of you is off the charts. " she shuffles her hips forward on the seat, chin eager to make its way to the bridge of her knuckles. she's curious & it shows itself in the friendly hitch of her brow.

" ------ i was starting to wonder if either of you were ever going to make a move. "

[danviers]

@swallowpit asked: you take and you take and you never give. / Kara oop

" Hey, " Alex interjected, the gingerness of her assertion never quite reaching the pinnacle of stern, or stringent — only a quiet flavor of astoundment.

Perplexity.

The ire in Kara's voice, unshrouded despite the too - thin walls sequestering them from the perpetual drone of black ops surveillance — from dozens of agents who hadn't been made privy as to the true identity of National City's newest hero — was like nothing she'd ever heard; And J'onn, wordlessly standing in the crosshairs of Kara's laser - focused distemper ( J'onn, a man in need of Supergirl's unique assist in place of her seemingly unpremeditated and unemotional antagonism ), seemed just as taken aback as she was.

" Kara, this isn't like you. " The sudden shift in attitude, the uncaring languor with which she'd crushed four deep divots into the side of her desk — none of it was. "J'onn is just trying to help. "

[reignthem]

@swallowpit said: i don't ever want to know a world without you.

PROMPTS FOR BEST FRIENDS TO LOVERS

it's funny. she has a hundred places to call home from metropolis to star city & back again, all made up of paper christmas trees, a chalked up bucket list adorning a kitchen walls. none of them have taken root so fast as national city.

so maybe it's not the place at all.

" hey, now, " brushes a quiet laugh shuttered beneath a smile that spreads while she tucks a wayward strand behind her ear. " ---- but i know what you mean. "

" i know it hasn't been that long, but ... it's been really nice. having someone to get close to. "

[danviers]

Given the long years in which she'd acclimated to Kara's inhuman appetite, Alex couldn't have claimed to have been surprised by the speed at which she routinely polished off whatever J'onn supplied her with on the government's dime. It'd always been so; and while they'd traded Midvale high school's teen drama and Kara's finger - shaped indentations on at least six locker doors for saving the world, some things just didn't change. " Not fair, " she returned, regardless: a half hearted complaint, if she could even call it that. " You have an entire stash. And I don't have time for a coffee run. "

Not when there were a host of belligerent aliens still to shake down in containment.

" I don't want you doing anything too strenuous, " she noted. " I am not the one who almost blew out her powers stopping a missile launch. "

too bad, so sad. the cheetos have been obliterated and kara looks up with an only slightly guilty expression; it's not her fault she requires so many calories just to keep functional. (technically, she could exist without - much like sleep, her body can subsist on it's own and a decent sunny day perfectly fine for about a week before it gets dicey. but in rao's name why would she do that to herself when doritos and double stuffed oreos exist?)

"get your own, these are superhero subsistence snacks." the bag is crumpled, discarded on the table after careful consideration of the back of winn's head. "i'm bored, alex. i'm so bored. i'm the most bored of all bored people. there's gotta be something i can do."

[danviers]

name: alexandra danvers nicknames: alex age: 34 birthdate: september 14th 1989 species: human gender: cis - female preferred pronouns: she / her romantic orientation: homosexual sexual orientation: homoromantic parents: jeremiah and eliza danvers sibling (s): kara danvers significant other (s): maggie sawyer, samantha arias ( verse dependent ), kelly olsen eye colour: brown hair colour: varies from auburn to dyed red body build: athletic height: 5 ' 7

tagged by: stolen from @saralans tagging: @herleads, @reignthem, @bledsoul, @swallowpit

[lgbtcorp]

oh, this — is not going the way she planned. she didn't plan anything, per se, but a coffee shared over her kitchen island is one thing and playing into the hand of a superhero whose repertoire is goodness and kindness, while she often stares down the measure of rough sex and slipping out in the middle of the night, is an entirely different one. does she think about her? categorically, yes. the power is a good look. and does she wonder how it might be? also yes. a strange sensation of being cared for whilst thumbing bruises against her hips for the better part of a week — she pictures it hard yet careful, because there's no telling what that strength can do, but in the same breath, she doesn't see supergirl as the type. perhaps she's a victim of leslie willis's hate chain in more ways than one too.

"i'm in trouble a lot." an equally impassive response, and those cards remain tucked to her chest as she takes another sip of lukewarm coffee. supergirl is a space heater — she can feel the warmth radiating and they're not even touching, and when lena casts a glance up at the five-eleven (or is that six foot?) beefcake in her kitchen, it feels prickly under her throat.

she says nothing more. it's a steely answer that even lillian would be proud of in that moment. (that's a lie she keeps telling herself — lillian would sooner call her a whore than ever crack a smile at how she wraps the national city influentials around a finger).

the mention of clark leaves something sour in the back of her throat; she visits to see lois, to see the kids, and yes to talk to clark but he's always, always busy (shocker) and it always ends in some delusional shouting match about standards and her friends and what she's doing with her life. it's infuriating, being lectured by someone she was supposed to raise and take care of and teach. she tries not to let the bitterness wash up on her surface, squashing it with the quick thought of the boys and how they always light up when kara touches down on the ranch.

"it's complicated. i flew to berlin last week to stop a freighter crash - does that count?" they both know damn well it does not. but anyway, it's not the part of the conversation kara is focused on; her attention is grabbed, snagged at the last moment, by the offhand implication of you're on a lot of minds. it's playing with fire, it's so risky to ask, but there's a daring recklessness tipping her scales with every second longer she stands in the dawning sunlight.

(alex says it's a side effect of time spent awake; the longer she pushes herself sensory wise, powers and energy stretching thinner with every passing hour before submitting to the more natural instincts, makes her less and less passive. it's like a wind up toy.)

kara steps closer to set the half-empty mug on the counter barely a handful of centimetres from lena's hip. "am i ever on your mind?"

[lgbtcorp]

"i think you'll find you're on a lot of people's minds. all the time." she's a big hit with the public — lena's seen that much on social media. there's at least a rogue subsection of some internet cult under each of any one of l-corp's tweets about her, and a little deep dive into the #supergirl hashtag brings nothing but close-up candid shots of the suit, the arms, the stomach, the thighs — there are videos, gifs, stills and shots of every part of supergirl out on display. drawings, stories — each and every part of her life splayed out for the world to see, no matter how much she talks about good and right and true, it'll still be there. it reminds her of her youth. it's not a pleasant memory, but one she bears to this day.

"does supergirl ever take a vacation?" it's not a ploy to whisk her away to the hamptons for a long weekend, or a quick trip to puglia. just a genuine, concerned question about a superhero's work-life balance. (it feels stupid, even thinking.)

"you should. the world is bigger than national city. and metropolis — i hear you visit your cousin often enough."

now look what you've done - she feels guilty all because you had to go and get all morose and bummed out. kara winces internally and almost goes to crack a joke, to alleviate the tension of sadness that seems to ghost over and between them. there's hints of daylight starting to break through the darkness outside and it's creeping slowly up and over the balcony, in through the floor to ceiling glass, reaching it's wonderful, energising arms out towards her. she can feel her body tip in the direction of warmth but remains solidly bolted to the floor. (it does make her feel a touch stronger, an ounce less tired. she doesn't need sleep like normal humans - it's nice, sure, but she could go a few days, even a week or so, without.)

"good. i don't want them to think about me at all - anybody with me on the brain usually means they're in some kind of trouble." she offers a smile that feels a little more genuine than it might have been half an hour ago and shrugs. "only all the time. but usually it's when i'm doing my normal, actual, real-world job. when you can lift buildings, nobody really bats an eye at how often you do it."

[lgbtcorp]

"that's how i felt yesterday. outside. and to see all those people looking at me like i somehow caused every measure of pain they're currently feeling? do you know how long i've spent trying to steer l-corp onto a better path? green energy, scholarship funds, children's hospitals —" it feels like a cry in the wind. it feels like a sorry tale of otherness that doesn't even come into the equation when comparing it to losing a home, a planet, a life. it feels petty to even think about now, and that flashes across her face in a stark frown. she complains that she has too much money, too much responsibility, too much weight in a world where people can't even look up. there's a humbling in process, and she's bearing it full force.

"i'm sorry. i don't think many people think about what it must be like for you." but the world isn't going to implode so quickly — that's what they all have to work on mastering. without supergirl, the city would be a worse place. the same for metropolis, gotham — as much as she hates the thought of the bat, it exists for a reason. but the world won't cease to exist, while there are people fighting to keep it alive. she picks a spot on the upturned hem of supergirl's boot and stares at it for a moment, before crawling up the mesh of her suit and settling neatly at the crest.

"you work too hard — anyone ever tell you that?"

kara watches lena move through the kitchen, takes in and memorises the way she looks down at her mug and the subtle frown lines creasing at the corners of her eyes, at the soft upturn of her mouth when she's about to say something she thinks she shouldn't. kara watches the dip of her throat and the hollow it meets, the tap-tap-tap of nervous fingertips. i want to know everything about you nearly comes barrelling out of her big dumb mouth but she reels it in at the last second, content to listen.

she takes the mug - it's one she bought lena months ago, with a picture of an overloaded angry test tube with i think you're over-reacting! written under it.

"i think i can understand that - when your life is removed enough from everyone else, you stop feeling like a puzzle piece and start feeling more like you're not even in the picture to begin with." kara thinks about it for a moment, about the chasm between supergirl and kara danvers and kara zor el.

"for me, it's less about feeling like an outsider and more as if... i'm living on borrowed time. that all i can experience here, all the people i know and love and the things i can do -- it's all temporary. and any minute now, it's all going to get ripped out from under me. most of the time it's easy to ignore it, but i -- i watched my planet burn. i watched my entire civilisation, my family and friends, my world just disappear without warning and a part of me wonders if lightning strikes twice." there's a heavy pause, a horrid moment of recall as a gunshot goes off and she's reliving being pinned to the ground by weak, ineffective hands, and kara takes a gulp of her coffee. "geez louise, i didn't mean for that to get so depressing."

[lgbtcorp]

"the beatles are overrated." like it's the most obvious thing in the world. she appreciates the gesture — the immediate let me show you who i am, but it isn't what she was angling for at that moment. what they have is different — not a codependency, but an acknowledgement that they could work together, if they needed to. in a world where a luthor is friends with a super, it's almost as though she can undo everything that lex stitched into the pattern of the universe without needing to change who she is.

"i've never seen gilmore girls." she offers out the coffee with her good hand, and leans back against the counter as she thinks it through. (she's never had time, more than anything — lillian would blow a fuse if she knew she'd been watching tv instead of anything else even remotely stimulating. and besides, two phds and a litany of masters leaves her with less free time than she would've liked. it also seems to be that when your life is unceremoniously turned upside down and your brother turns the sun red — you tend to have even less free time.)

"do you feel like an outsider here?" again, she speaks before she even gives herself a moment to think. perhaps the alienation of the city's most treasured crime-fighter is a little deep for the sunrise, but she takes her own mug and swills the dregs of her coffee for a moment longer. "that's how i feel. most days. and i know we're talking about — fast food and tv, but — a lot of the time, i feel like i'm looking in."

the guilt hits faster than kara can catch it. you already do know me! you know me better than almost anybody on the planet! you know kara danvers and to you, she's just your dorky best buddy. there is a deep pit of shame getting wider and wider and kara forever teeters on the precipice of falling in, trying her best not to look too sick with the secrets of it all.

(here's the saddest thing about it all: lena sees kara. expects nothing from kara except companionship and a lunch date. lena confides in kara and trusts her and treats her like she's just as easily taken over by the will of the world as anybody else. and everyone who knows the truth forgets the humanity of it all. they forget supergirl can be just as vulnerable without the cape as she can with kryptonite coursing through her veins. even alex wants her to be bigger and stronger and better.

it's selfish to hold onto it, selfish to deny lena the chance at knowing both sides now, but... kara isn't ready. and isn't sure she'll ever be ready.)

"someday." she offers a smile but it's weak and small but by god does kara mean it. someday, lena, i'll tell you everything. someday when it won't destroy us. and maybe it's the midst of the panic of the day or the slight wince in lena's face or the way she turns away towards the kitchen but kara can't help what blurts out of her mouth.

"i really like gilmore girls. and, uh, pizza. obviously - who doesn't like pizza? - and i think the beatles are overrated."

[lgbtcorp]

lena thinks that in these past ten minutes, supergirl has shown more care for her than lillian has her entire life. perhaps it's different — one's a stone cold bitch and the other flirts on the edge of, well, flirting. but had lex detonated anything whilst she'd still been in college, she'd be hard pressed to find andrea at her side so dutifully, and she doesn't need to mention the veronica sinclair of it all. supergirl is different — and it might be an act, it might be a ruse so perfected that she seems like nothing more than a kind person in a cape, but it resonates nonetheless.

"i'm okay. i promise. you can... relax a little." because supergirl's heart is thrumming a hard tune from across the room, and lena slips back toward the kitchen with a mission at hand. (it's a little more cumbersome than she'll admit to — the sling will be off soon, and as long as she doesn't bleed through her blouse, she'll be back in the office in a day or two. no one takes time off for being shot at.)

"— i'd like to know you as a real person someday." she doesn't know why she comes out with it, and she doesn't know what line she's crossing over, but it's out before she can rein it in. there's a frozen moment where she pauses, before making a hasty retreat into the kitchen. (a super doesn't want a luthor knowing too much about them — rule 101 of having an arch nemesis family.)

"or just. have a coffee with you."

kara - supergirl - nods and runs a hand through her hair. rubs at her eyes and the back of her neck and tries to let some of the tension she's been carrying since the arrest go; while it is certainly impossible, somehow it feels as though there is a welt on the back of her head, like she can still feel the truncheon.

"yeah," she says absentmindedly and then follows up quickly, "no -- i just. wanted to make sure you were alright." as if kara could rest or settle or continue on with her damn day without seeing her; all she's thought about for the last twelve hours is lena, the gunshot, the tickers on the tv. she looks at lena now -- really takes her in, memorizing the details in her face, the crease at the corners of her eyes, the way she holds herself and how the injury affects the lean in her shoulders. she's tired and kara should go and yet. and yet and yet and yet.

"maybe one coffee? i've got a patrol and then -- i have to be a real person for a while," she says, and they both know fine well it does nothing for her.

[lgbtcorp]

she thinks for a moment that supergirl must be speaking to the mirror — that the cape is heavier than its fabric reality. she wonders about her life sometimes — when it's late at night and the city lights are a blur across the horizon, and when she's waist-deep in memorandums and project revisions. she wonders whether she has a partner, or where she sleeps, or how often she waits in the queue to a coffee shop, grocery store, where she buys her clothes from. there doesn't seem enough left of a life to live two so differently. so for once, and for all of her virtuous little speeches, she thinks that supergirl hasn't got a damn clue what she's talking about. it almost softens her. almost.

"i'm fine, honestly." even if she was gutshot, seeing that look on her face and the way the bags curl under her eyes, she would still be fine. just fine. because there are bigger problems at play than a rogue bullet through a crowd.

"you don't have to apologise. you weren't there, that's okay. i have a very good doctor on retainer and i pay more than enough for george to get me out of these situations when necessary. it's a big perverse, really, that this isn't my first rodeo." for all his failings, and for all the trauma he drags her through, lex has made it so she can muscle her way through just about any situation.

"i didn't expect it, but it's nothing more than a graze. in a week, i'll be back to normal." make it a couple, but it's barely going to slow her down. sometimes you have to pacify the crestfallen superhero on your balcony and wonder what your life has become. "do you need some coffee? orange juice? it's freshly-pressed."

a terrible one night stand. yeah. that's about right, in the grand scheme of things -- kara almost laughs and then doesn't, waiting until lena sets her mug down before blowing out the breath she hadn't realised she was holding. it's a wheeze more than anything and she hunches over with the weight of it leaving her, bent at the waist, hands on her knees for only a few seconds before straightening up. it's been a long fucking day and it's only been made worse by the rumours circulating about kara and the so called 'evidence' of supergirl being supposedly m.i.a. there's a lazy swipe of her hands over her face, dragging down, exhausted and worn down and just done with the pulled taught wire inside her spine.

"it's okay to put yourself first, you know." kara says but it falls a little flat, rings a little false given the cape snapping around her shoulders. she knows what she must look like: ragged, run through, exhausted in a way she can actually feel not just feign. "you have to put yourself first, lena. i can't be everywhere at once, i can't -- always be everywhere and it's too hard not to make you my priority."

(can't you see what she's trying to say? i care about much more than i am supposed to. put yourself first so that i can concentrate on literally anything else because by god would the world look pretty burning so long as you're safe.)

"i'm -- sorry i wasn't there today."