#swag. just need to revise my experiments and I’m good (no I’m not)

[burnthybread]

i so tired

[showf4lls]

⎼ MIGRAINE HOURS; MULTIPLE

genre !! headcanons, comfort

cw !! descriptions of pain[?], brief mention of vomiting [nothing graphic], mention of medication, migraine symptoms, weed [in sapnap’s part]

includes !! chuckle sammy boys [ ted, charlie, schlatt ] + crew boys [ karl, quackity, sapnap, george, dream ] + wilbur + niki + minx

notes !! this is purely self indulgent, so most of the symptoms i’m describing are what i personally experience and i’m sorry if i’m leaving any out! i have a migraine rn and it’s making me want to keel over and pass away so i’m writing this to comfort myself lmao. i’ve been told a lot that my migraines are too annoying and that they make me too high-maintenance for a relationship, but that’s totally not true, people are just ableist lol. but i know that there’s a lot of people out there that have had this experience and/or feel this way. just know that you’re not alone, you’re not too “high maintenance,” it’s not too much work to help you when you’re not feeling well. take care of yourselves, y’all /gen

this used to be way longer so this is revised to be like oddly specific/wholesome things they each would do you’re welcome /lh

TED NIVISON

⎼ reminds you to stretch every so often so you don’t get too tense!

⎼ definitely does the thing where he squeezes your head for a little bit if the pain is really bad [if you get migraines you’ll know what i’m talking about; sometimes you need a little extra pressure on your noggin to feel better]

⎼ helps you put your hair up really tightly to put more pressure on your brain

⎼ goes in on absolutely everything with you. diet changes? he’s in. journaling? he’ll get one that matches yours and you’ll sit down and journal your shit together every day. need blue light glasses? count him in, he’s been meaning to get some anyways. early bedtime? fuck yeah, he gets to make sure you’re both taken care of and getting enough rest. sunglasses around the house? i think you mean swag B)

CHARLIE SLIMECICLE

⎼ naps with you when you feel like nothing else will help with the pain

⎼ constantly researching for you and seeing what he can do to help or if he can find any new resources for you. finds new apps for you to track your symptoms or find other people who experience chronic migraines. encourages you to experiment with things that might make you feel better

⎼ absolutely has a borderline insane assortment of pedialyte for you to choose from, should you need it

⎼ makes excuses that place the blame on himself when you get a migraine while you’re spending time with friends so you don’t feel bad about going home

⎼ keeps the ice trays in his freezer full at all times in case you need an ice pack when you’re over at his place

JSCHLATT

⎼ while pretending that he doesn’t give a shit about your suffering, passively asks if you’ve taken your meds yet, if you’ve eaten, if you need water, etc.

⎼ keeps a hand on your head and plays with your hair while standing behind you but pretends he’s not

⎼ will continue quiet conversations with his friends after having told them to shut the fuck up if it’s obvious that you’re trying to fight a migraine

⎼ if you’re complaining about light sensitivity, he’ll just shush you and cover your eyes with his hands. might not be the most helpful, but he’s trying in his own way and the thought is sweet. he does the same thing with your ears when you’re having noise sensitivity

KARL JACOBS

⎼ gets really quiet and soft with you; he hates seeing you upset or in pain. lots of hugs are involved

⎼ makes sure you’re absolutely covered in heat packs

⎼ keeps extra comfy clothes around for you to change into whenever you feel a migraine coming on

⎼ always the first to ask about how he can help or what could’ve caused it; mans is kind of a fixer /lh

⎼ will order you whatever food sounds good to you without a moment’s hesitation if you mention that you’re even the littlest bit hungry

QUACKITY

⎼ 100 to 0 real quick. totally goes from “HAHAHA OMG” to “woah, hey - are you okay?” it’s super sweet to see the contrast

⎼ lets you wear his beanies and pull them down to cover your eyes. he thinks it’s adorable, and it’s totally a bonus that it helps with the light/noise sensitivity

⎼ somehow convinces tiger to lay on you when you’re having a particularly bad migraine, especially if you’re napping

⎼ makes a visible effort to keep from making too much noise

SAPNAP

⎼ the second he realizes that you’re trying not to cry from the pain, he shushes you, wraps the closest loose piece of clothing around your head, and pulls you to his chest

⎼ encourages you to do literally anything you think might help. you need your entire body to be covered in a heat pack? he’ll shove you into a warm bath with your clothes on. your light sensitivity is kicking your ass? he’ll wrap a bandana around your head. your clothes feel gross and uncomfy? that’‘s fine! he’ll throw all his comfiest clothes in the dryer for 10 minutes for you so they’re nice and cozy when you put them on

⎼ also tries to help remedy your triggers. you haven’t been drinking enough water? force feeds you pedialyte and gatorade. you haven’t eaten enough? begs dream to make your favorite or doordashes whatever sounds good to you

⎼ if your meds stop working, he’ll let you use however much of his weed you need to not suffer anymore

GEORGE

⎼ totally encourages you to sleep it off and definitely doesn’t use it as an excuse to nap with you

⎼ kind of teases you about it because he doesn’t quite understand the concept of migraines but, when all’s said and done, he helps you take care of yourself and gets you what you need

⎼ after knowing you for so long he’s learned to tell when you feel a migraine coming on by the way you interact with other people, and he knows that you won’t leave calls even if you have a migraine because you hate missing out on stuff, so he’ll just tell everyone to shut up so it’s at least easier on you

DREAM

⎼ he won’t notice until something you do catches his attention, and then he gives a little “aw, honey,” pulls you into a hug, and very quietly asks what he can do to help

⎼ doesn’t give a single shit who else is around or what’s happening, if dream even has an inkling that you have a migraine coming on, he’s throwing you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and forcing you to lay down in his bed so you can be as comfy as possible

⎼ another one who gets you whatever you need as soon as you ask for it, no questions asked. mans worries too much. you don’t like the light? all the lights off, lightbulbs out so that no one can accidentally turn the lights on while you’re having an attack. no more light ever again (he’s dramatic, you saw the fnaf stream /lh). your clothes are uncomfy? pick any one of his hoodies that you want, he’ll even stick it in the dryer for you so it’s nice and toasty warm. hungry? any food he can possibly remember you enjoying, he’s making it. you’re too warm? ice bath, immediately. you don’t think you’ve been drinking enough water? you’re drinking every single electrolyte drink he has in his kitchen

NIKI NIHACHU

⎼ pulls you into a hug and pets your hair without a second thought, and very quietly whispers “i’m so sorry you’re in pain, what can i do to help?”

⎼ helps you find home remedies for your nausea and, when that doesn’t help, holds your hair back for you when you get sick

⎼ definitely way better at helping you through the frustration and more emotional components of migraines than the others. holds you when you cry, listens when you ramble, and helps you calm down because she knows that crying makes it hurt worse

⎼ sticks with you for all the time that you’re awake during your migraine. holds ice packs to your head when you feel too week to, gently reminds you to relax your muscles, makes sure you feel listened to, and tries to do easy little things with you that don’t require a lot of effort so you don’t feel bad; she knows that shit can feel really isolating

MINX

⎼ first, she absolutely makes sure you take your meds if you need to because they’re there to help you feel better

⎼ another one that would wear sunglasses around the house or out and about with you so that you don’t feel weird about it; she thinks it’s actually a cool main character moment to wear sunglasses inside /lh

⎼ when you’re really emotional and in lots of pain she’ll sit with you and rub your arms and trace circles into your knees. if you need more physical attention, she’ll let you press your forehead into her shoulder while she hums and shushes you

WILBUR SOOT

⎼ mostly just makes sure that you take your meds and drinking enough water, and snacking if you need to

⎼ plays you songs on his guitar and sings you to sleep when you’re having trouble relaxing enough to squeeze in a nap

⎼ absolutely would hold your hair back for you when you get sick and rub circles into your back, assuring you that it’s okay

⎼ lets you sprawl out on his bed covered in ice and heat packs - he honestly doesn’t give a shit what you need to do to feel better when you’re having an attack as long as it helps

⎼ doesn’t want you to feel excluded or isolated so he’ll set up camp on the floor next to you with a gatorade and some crackers and his laptop and, very quietly, play a chill podcast so it still feels like you guys are hanging out

⎼ definitely doesn’t let you pity yourself. King of Reassurance. he knows how easy it can be to get stuck on the idea that you’re a burden and assumes it’s worse if you experience chronic pain as intense as migraines, so he doesn’t hesitate to assure you that you’re not a burden to him in any way. he’s really grateful for any time he can spend with you at all, whether you have a migraine or not

[kiingocreative]

If you’re familiar with my self-publishing story, you’ll know that I made a lot of mistakes when publishing No Pain, No Game. One of these was not getting Beta readers and ARC readers. I’ve learnt since that skipping those steps can seriously hinder your book’s chances of success, whether you self-publish or go down the traditional route.

What’s What?

But what, I hear you ask, is a Beta reader and what is an ARC reader?

1. Beta readers are people who will read your manuscript early on in the process (and before your book is published) to give you feedback and help identify any areas that may need to be reworked. A Beta reader goes beyond saying whether or not they like the book. It’s all about providing constructive feedback on specific parts of the story the author wants to test.

2. Advance Reader Copies (ARCs) are free digital copies of the ready-to-publish manuscript you provide to people (ARC Readers) who commit to reading it within a certain timeframe and to posting a review of the book ahead of release day (on Amazon, Goodreads etc.). The review snippets you see on a book’s front or back cover are often extracted from ARC Reviews.

What Happens When?

Beta Readers and ARC Readers come into the process at different stages, and since I’m a sucker for a good visual, here’s some of my latest diagrams to look at the full process from end to end.

Let’s think of the journey to writing a book as having two main parts:

3. Part 1: getting your manuscript ready

4. Part 2: the road to publishing

Working with Beta readers

You can use Beta readers at any time whilst you’re working on your manuscript (when you’re writing, before or after the book has been checked by a professional editor, before or after different rounds of revision etc.). It’s entirely up to you, based on what you want to get out of the Beta reading.

There are a few things to consider when working with Beta readers:

How many Beta readers do you need?

This is all a matter of personal preference, though the general advice is to aim for between 5 and 10 Beta readers, bearing in mind some may drop out during the process.

How to find Beta readers?

5. You can hire paid Beta readers on platforms such as Fiverr.

6. You can also find Beta readers through Bookstagram, especially if you have started making connections and have come across people who read your genre and whose feedback you would trust.

7. You can leverage people around you (friends, family) if they are your target audience and you trust they can give you honest and unbiased feedback.

How to get organised?

1. You can give them the entire manuscript at once, or drip feed them a couple of chapters at a time. That’s purely a matter of preference (yours, and theirs)

2. Either way, make it constructive for YOU: note down questions or points you’d like the reader’s feedback on at each stage of the story (what should they focus on? Dialogue, pace, characters, plot, inconsistencies, typos etc.)

3. Make sure Beta readers understand the commitment they’re making when they sign up to Beta read for you, for instance:

4. When do you need them to provide their feedback by? Are you working to a specific deadline? What will their reading pace need to be?

5. Do they understand they’ll need to provide detailed feedback as they read?

6. Do you want them to also write a review of the book that they can post online when the book releases?

Working with ARC Readers

How many ARC Readers do you need?

As many as possible! The more reviews you have ahead of launching (and later on in general), the better.

Not having ARC readers can damage your book’s chances of success when you release it. Research shows that, when shopping online, 75% of consumers are looking for the products with the best ratings and reviews. According to Jungle Scout, `increasing reviews is also a leading indicator of increased Best Seller Rank(BSR), which helps your product appear in more Amazon search results and earn more clicks to your listing`.

How to find ARC readers?

8. Leverage your network: If you’ve started your social media channels and started building a network you might have already come across people who may be the right readers for your book. Your most active followers on Instagram are also a good place to start.

9. Spread the word: You can post an announcement on your channels and through your newsletter to let people know you’re looking for ARC readers.

10. Use relevant hashtags: use hashtags to identify readers of the genre and find fellow indie authors who write in the same genre and may be interested.

Are ARC readers free?

You shouldn’t need to pay for ARC readers, especially if you’ve built a network you can leverage. My own experience has shown that paying for reviews tends to be a waste of time and money and that the quality of those reviews is often sub-standard. I recommend investing time in finding the right ARC readers for your book rather than throwing money at the problem and only half-solving it.

What you can do, however, is offer people incentives such as swag (if you have it), a complimentary copy (or even a signed copy!) of the book when it releases ,or offer to do read-and-review swaps with other authors.

How to get organised?

11. As with Beta readers, make sure ARC readers understand what’s required of them and what the deadline to read the book is, as well as the date they’ll need to post their review.

12. If you like, you can have your ARC Readers fill out an agreement form, which cements the understanding you both have about their commitment to the task.

13. Ask whether readers have a preference in file format (generally sending an ePub or Mobi file they can load to their e-reader is fine, but some may want a PDF).

14. Set up a spreadsheet to keep track of all ARC readers, and set up reminders to reach out to them closer to the deadline to make sure they’re progressing with the reading.

15. Give ARC readers plenty of time to read and review the book (several months before release)

Using Beta and ARC readers: The Hidden Bonus!

An added bonus if you work with Beta and ARC readers, is that you have a great list of contacts to build your Street Team. What’s that, you ask? Your Street Team is a group of people who agree to actively assist you with promoting your book release, and therefore help you widen your reach.

What does the Street Team do?

They can help with posting/reposting cover reveals, release day posts, character art etc. and spread the word about your book release.

How to get organised?

16. You can provide the Street Team with a schedule of these posts ahead of time so they know when and what they should post about and share.

17. You can create a group on Instagram or on Facebook with your Street Team members to get them coordinated.

18. Just like with Beta and ARC readers, be clear on what you’re asking of them. Be clear on timelines and make sure you should provide all images, captions, hashtags etc. for them to use.

19. You can offer incentives: offer to swap so you assist them with their launch when the time comes, offer swag, or arrange special events for the Street Team only (pre-release party, book signings etc.)

Last But Not Least: Make sure to say thank you!

Beta readers, ARC readers and members of your Street team give their time to help you make your book and release the best it can be. A common gesture is to send them a complimentary copy of your book when it releases. Needless to say, at the very least send a personal message to thank them when they’re done.

Skipping Beta readers and ARC readers can seriously hinder your book’s chances of success, whether you self-publish or go down the traditional route. Let's look at how to take full advantage of this important part of the publishing process.

[babieleeknow]

Suck of a Lifetime | (m)

Han Jisung x Reader

Smut, fluff, crack?? Friends to almost lovers

2.4k words

You’ve never sucked dick before. You want to try. And Jisung is right there, with a perfectly good dick.

This is a bit of a doozy. It’s pretty long and I haven’t edited it yet, so excuse any errors. Also, this idea has been in my mind for ages and ages now, so here I present to you my love child. Warning: this might be extremely shit because I don’t really write smut too often. I’ll edit and revise it eventually, I just wanted to finally get it out there :))

You and Jisung were laid back on your bed. You staring at your ceiling, mind whirling, while he scrolled through TikTok on his phone, occasionally laughing and showing you a video.

Should you do it? Nahh... but? No, no, that would be crazy. Unless...?

“Jisung,” you didn’t turn to face him, your furrowed brow pointing up.

“Yeah?” He didn’t face you either, scrolling through the comments of a lilhuddy video.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

You paused, hesitating for a second before deciding to throw caution to the wind, “Can I suck your dick?”

“WHAT?” He said, instantly sitting up and facing you. You didn’t move from your horizontal position across the bed, only shifting your eyes to meet his, “I’m sorry, can you repeat that real quick, because it sorta sounded like you asked if you could put my penis in your mouth.”

You raised a brow in thought, “Huh, that would be weird if that wasn’t what I said, but it actually was what I said, so it’s actually not that weird that that’s what you heard me say.”

He continued to stare blankly at you, blinking harshly, “Are you okay? Are you high? Drunk? Like bro are you good?” He placed the back of his palm against your forehead, “Damn, maybe you have a fever, you feel a little hot.”

You slapped his palm away, frowning at him as you sat up. “Bro, just say no if you don’t want me to,” you ran your fingers through your hair, “I was just sitting here thinking ‘who do I know well enough to ask if I can suck their cock?’ because, you know, a bitch needs practice. And then suddenly, it hit me; bro I have a perfectly existent dick right next to me, attached to my closest homie. So then I was like ‘swag’. But if you don’t want me to, just say no, I get it.” You resisted the urge to shoot finger guns at him, because he looked like he was about to combust and you weren’t sure if finger guns screamed put your dick in my mouth!

“I- I didn’t say I didn’t want you to…” He muttered, looking down at his fingers in his lap.

“Great!” You breamed, instantly dropping to your knees in between his spread legs and setting your fingers on a trajectory to his belt.

He grabbed your wrist before you could make it there, “Woah, woah, woah!” He nearly yelled, “Cool the jets, lady! Shit, shouldn’t we discuss this for a second? Do you have mouth herpes, because I don’t want you to give that shit to me. Are you a spitter or a swallower? What’s your average blowjob pace? These are important questions here!” He ignored how the view of you kneeling between his legs made his cock plump up in interest, and instead tried to focus on the way you sat back on your heels and groaned dramatically.

You were a little embarrassed. You and Jisung didn’t really talk about this type of stuff. I mean… he was a boy and you were a girl. Can it get anymore obvious? Sexy talk is a no-no, but desperate times call for desperate measures. “C’mon ‘Sung, does that really matter? Why are you putting off a blowjob from a perfectly willing hot girl who’s right here? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.”

But Jisung held firm, only shaking his head with a raised brow and pinning you with an unamused look. Normally he would have fired back some sort of ugly joke, but he respected the tension of the moment and appropriately restrained himself. You groaned again, muttering something under your breath. “What was that?” Jisung asked, leaning down a bit, “Speak up, damn.”

“I’m a virg, okay? Never sucked a dick, never fucked a dick. Shit bro we don’t need to talk about this stuff just whip your dick out and let me get to work.” You tried not to let the humiliation get to you, but the burning blush on your cheeks told another story. You knew Jisung was experienced, if the amount of girls that had come up to you and either told you to a) ‘back off their mans’, b) begged you to get Jisung to contact them again, or c) all of the above was anything to go by.

Jisung was taken aback. You’d been on dates before, you’d even had a boyfriend in the past, he had been certain you must have done something with him. But he knew when he was meant to pry and when he wasn’t, so he kept his inquiries to himself. “You know you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, right Y/N?” He spoke uncharacteristically softly, “You’re not any more or less cool because you’re a virgin.”

You rolled your eyes, “Trust me, pal, I’m well aware,” you patted his thigh, causing him to jerk, “It’s not about trying to be cool, I just wanna suck a dick so bad you don’t even know. It’s like there's a little penis goblin inside of me.” 

Jisung sighed, “I don’t know…” He felt bad stealing your first blowjob from you. Sure, he’d had his fair share of fantasies about this exact moment regarding you, as is only natural when you’re a straight guy and your best friend is a hot girl, but he didn’t want to be some sort of creep, stealing your first dick sucking experience because he wanted a good nut in a warm place.

You sighed, wrapping your arm around his thigh and leaning your head on it. Jisung gulped. “Please, Sungie? I really wanna.” You pouted.

The combination of your pleading tone, your innocent eyes, and your compromising position between his legs made Jisung’s resolve snap in two. Fuck... “Okay… yes. You can do it.” He breathed, hoping you didn’t notice how shaky his voice was.

You beamed up at him, instantly fumbling with his belt, trying to disregard your nerves. You pulled down his jeans a little, and he raised his hips to help you. You were a somewhat surprised to find that he was already half hard in his boxers, but you were so preoccupied with thinking of your next step that you didn’t notice the way he flushed when you made eye contact with his bulge. You swallowed, deciding it was best to get him as hard as possible before you actually took his dick out, and began tracing your finger alone the outline of his cock.

Jisung’s breath caught in his throat, and he resisted the urge to groan when you looked up at him unsurely as you began to palm him fully, “You need to tell me what to do, I’m not really sure what I’m doing here.” You admitted bashfully, and he nodded.

“Just- just keep doing what you’re doing for now.” He gulped, clenching his fingers in your comforter.

You nodded, continuing to run your hand up and down his length, practically jacking him off through his boxers. You were mesmerized by the way his cock grew more and more stiff under your fingers, and tried to ignore the funny feeling in your chest when you thought about how you were touching Han Jisung - your best friend since childhood - ’s dick.

Once you decided he was hard enough, you looked up at Jisung again, “Can I-” you gestured towards his crotch, and he took a breath before nodding, running his fingers nervously through his hair. He was suddenly overcome with thoughts. What if you thought he was too small? What if you thought his dick tasted gross? When was the last time he shaved his pubes? All these thoughts raced through his head and by the time you actually took him out, he was a nervous wreck.

You pulled down his boxers and his cock sprung out, slapping against his stomach. There was a pause, it was only a fraction of a second, but to Jisung it felt like a year, “Fuck…” you breathed, wetting your lips as your mouth watered at the sight of him. He wasn’t huge, but he was a good size. Just the right amount of girth that wouldn’t make your jaw hurt, but would be a nice mouthful. You instantly reached out and began pumping him slowly, spreading his precum from his tip down to his shaft.

Jisung swallowed heavily, his breathing beginning to get laboured. Your hand felt so much better than his. Your hands were softer and smaller, and he was certain he could get off just from this, but you had other ideas. You slowly leaned closer to his hard cock, licking your lips carefully. You tried to ignore your nerves, but they began to get the best of you. What if you sucked at this (no pun intended)? What if you accidentally scratched him with your teeth? What if you hurt him somehow?

You looked up at Jisung uncertainly, and the look in your eyes sent even more blood rushing to his already rock solid member. “You’re good,” he mumbled, brushing your hair from your face, “Go ahead when you’re ready.” The soft look in his eyes soothed you, and you nodded slightly before looking back at your objective with newfound resolve.

Jisung wasn’t sure what to expect, but what he definitely wasn’t expecting was for you to lean forward and press a soft kiss to the tip of his penis. He accidentally let a small moan fall from his lips at the contact, which quickly morphed into a drawn out groan when you flicked your tongue around his head. His sounds spurring you on, you wrapped your lips around his tip and suckled gently. He let his head fall back, one of his hands subconsciously tangling in your hair as he tried to control his breathing.

You were a little taken aback at the taste. While it wasn’t what you’d call tasty, it was a flavour that somehow left your mouth watering and had you wanting to sample it even more. With that thought in mind, you pulled off of his tip for a moment, but wrapped your fingers around him and continued to pump him carefully as you gauged his reaction. While he wasn’t entirely wrecked, Jisung was certainly affected, and this caused pride to bubble in your chest.

You took a deep breath, covering your teeth with your tongue, and began to slowly slide down his length, allowing your throat to adjust carefully. Squeezing your left thumb in order to subdue your gag reflex (a tip you’d seen on TikTok), your right hand stoked what you couldn’t fit into your mouth.

Jisung was in ecstasy. Your throat was warm, tight, and perfectly suited to fit his cock. He was more than a little impressed at how you didn’t choke, and he suddenly found himself suspicious of if this really was your first blowjob or not. But when you began to find a rhythm and pick up your pace, all coherent thoughts flew from his mind, “That’s it,” he gasped, “You’re so good, you’re doing so good.”

You swore you had never been wetter in your life, your panties sticking uncomfortably to your core. You keened under the praise, swirling your tongue along the underside of his shaft and speeding up a little, taking him even deeper, causing you to choke a little bit, but you ignored it in return for the way Jisung’s hand tightened in your hair a fraction. Just enough for you to manage your own pace, but still know who was really in control here.

“Shit, Y/N,” he panted heavily, trying to restrain himself from bucking into your mouth, “I-I’m not going to last.” Sweat was dripping down his temples, and when you looked up at him through your lashes, his cock deep in your throat and your lipgloss smeared across your chin, he felt himself swell impossibly more and it was all he could do to choke out a warning before he was cumming down your throat.

You weren’t quite expecting the feeling of liquid hitting the back of your throat, and you choked a tiny bit, causing a dribble of cum to slip past your lips. Still, you did your best to work him through his orgasm, making sure to swallow every last drop until he was pulling you off of him.

The sight of you with his cum dripping from your lips would have been enough for Jisung to pop a semi right then and there if he hadn’t just cum so hard he saw Jesus. Without thinking, he swiped his thumb over the line of dribble, and pushed his thumb into your mouth, eyes nearly rolling into the back of his head when you sucked it clean, swirling your tongue around his digit. 

With a pop, you released his thumb from your mouth, “So? How was it?” You grinned from your place between his spread legs as Jisung began to cover himself back up, tucking his softening dick back into his underwear and doing up his belt.

He ran a hand down his face, “Are you sure that was your first time?” He asked disbelievingly.

You groaned, climbing up on the bed next to him and flopping on your front, “Dude, trust me. He's going to kill me for saying this, but Alex literally has a micropenis bro. Like, less than two-incher. And he never let me touch him!” You turned on your back and slammed a pillow into your face, “Like damn, I felt bad for the dude because, yeah, that sucks, but he was so insecure that he would never take his pants off in front of me! We grinded and he fingered me but he never let me actually touch the goods. I didn’t know about... his little problem, so I thought it was a me thing, and that he was worried to fuck me because I’m a virgin. Turns out no, he broke down one day and cried about it and then literally broke up with me. Like, bro, you’re the one with the micropenis and I’m the one who gets dumped? I can’t believe it.” You scoffed, shoving the pillow further into your eyes.

“Well,” Jisung started, a plan brewing in his mind, “I promise that was the best blowjob I’ve ever had…” He trailed off, pulling the pillow from your face, a greasy smirk adorning his face.

“Stop smiling like that, creep.” You sneered, smacking him with the aforementioned pillow, wiping the simper right off his face. He then decided to pout, sitting back on his heels on the bed.

He suddenly grabbed your thighs, pulling you towards him so that he was kneeling between your spread legs, “As I was saying, since you gave me the suck of a lifetime, why don’t I return the favour?” And with the way his hands were squeezing your waist, how could you say no?

[fatathlon]

Triathlon #3!

After falling behind on posting, I have been attempting to write two posts every time I write a post and to catch up to the present day.  It’s clear that it’s never going to happen, though, so I need to revise my strategy.  I don’t need the extraneous, self-generated pressure of feeling like I need to archive every significant workout I do in written words.  So I’m going to jump straight ahead in time to my third triathlon, which took place on September 1st, and then just start posting in the present tense again.  And if I feel like going back to recount an experience I can, but I’m not going to try to catch them all up.  Just keep moving forward.

So, without further ado, here’s my race report for triathlon #3!

I sort of built my season targeting this as my ‘big race,’ even though it wasn’t all that different from the first two I did in all practical terms. I traveled to Ottawa to do this race (had friends to stay with) so it felt like a more exotic and exciting way to do a race. So it was a goal race for me in terms of being a culminating event of my season.

Pre-race

I haven’t done many triathlons yet, so I wasn’t entirely sure if my judgment was off or not, but my first impression of the transition routes was that they were terrible. They seemed to be really far to go, particularly for a sprint, and through some ungainly terrain. I wasn’t looking forward to running up a sizable hill from the beach, barefoot, on an unswept asphalt bike path. I also wasn’t looking forward to running super far in bike cleats — including up and down some small hills, across a football field and along a dirt footpath into a gully (I bike in socks, so I couldn’t do the shoes-clipped-in-already method; might be something for me to work on in the off season) But maybe I had just been spoiled at my other events and this was normal. I didn’t really have the experience to know. And anyway, there was nothing to be done but make the best of it. The transition area was in the middle of an Olympic-sized running track, which was fenced all around. Athletes could only enter from one end, so I had to walk halfway around to get in. Security was tight on seeing numbers and matching bike tags. God help you if you forgot anything. I appreciated the care taken to ensure people’s bikes were protected but I think the entrance could have been closer to the other side of things. I ended up having to sprint from the transition area to the beach in order to make the race announcements. My fault for not arriving early enough I guess, but I didn’t realize how long it would take to get everywhere.

Swim

The swim was pretty similar to the other two I had done, which is to say I don’t think there was anything too exceptional about it. It was in the Rideau Canal, which technically has a current, but I didn’t notice much. The water was a comfortable temperature, but quite weedy and murky. I was aiming to simply stay relaxed and find my own rhythm, and I was able to do that for the most part. Only got kicked a couple of times, which was an improvement over my other races so far. The guy who did the race announcements high-fived everyone as they got out of the water.

T1

I left the beach and ran for the track. As expected, it turned out to be an effort. I started on the asphalt but then started running on the grass, as my feet were hurting. I was a little nervous about what might be hiding in the grass to poke my bare feet (rocks? snakes? tiny Canadian leprechauns?) but I didn’t end up stepping on anything. I felt more winded by the time I got to my bike than I had when I exited the water. I got my stuff on without trouble and headed out with my bike. First out of the track area, then across a football field, down a forest path, down and up a gully, across a road and finally to the mount line.

Bike

Cycling is my strongest discipline and the one I look forward to the most. I knew my biggest challenge here would be pacing. The course was virtually flat, which was a disadvantage for me because I’m a Clydesdale and I get a lot of benefit from the downhills. With no hills to speak of, it was entirely up to my legs without much of a gravity assist. I paid attention to my heart and breathing, trying to keep things steady and not going overboard, while aiming for my mph average. I thought it went pretty well. I wasn’t breathing very hard for most of the 3 loops, and only really started to feel it at the end of the 3rd. I also caught a bunch of people, some even from the first swim wave that went out 5 minutes before mine, so I felt I was doing ok. I had been nervous about losing count of my laps, but they had people announcing your name and what lap you were on, which was awesome. It was also cool to see all the different racers on the same course, because it was a looped route. The iron distance folks were doing 9 laps to my 3. I nailed my average speed goal. Once I hit the dismount line, things got awful.

T2

Running after the bike is not comfortable, as we all know. For me, this was way worse because I had to traverse the same off-road route back to the track, in cleats, with jelly legs. I tried to run, but I mostly couldn’t and had to walk. My calves started seizing when I tried to run on elevation in my biking shoes, and having had a calf injury earlier in the season, I wasn’t willing to risk hurting myself. So I walked it in.

Run

My watch failed on the run - just wouldn’t work for me at all, so I had no idea of my current pace. That was frustrating. I felt pretty awful, which I have come to expect for the first mile or so. Usually it evens out and I find my stride, and things feel better after that. Not so today. I kept it going but I was riding the struggle bus the whole way. I felt underhydrated, especially in the sunny sections. The last mile was a mental battle. I ended up only about :15 off my goal pace, so it turned out it wasn’t as bad as it felt.

Post-race

I had passed a couple of other Clydesdales (I could tell from body marking) and none had passed me, and I didn’t see anyone my age pass me, so I had suspicions that I did relatively well in the rankings. When the results were posted, I saw that I had won the Clydesdale category! I checked to see where I would be in my age group, had I picked that option, and I would have been second! I was the 17th male, and 20th overall out of 115. They were by far my best results, so it turned out it felt hard for a good reason. I got a ‘gold champion’ lanyard to add to my finisher’s medal and other race swag.

The race was organized pretty professionally and seemed to be run well; my only complaints were that the transitions were so challenging. It seemed like they were expecting more people - there were lots of empty racks and a ton of space on the field. Maybe a low year for them.

What's next?

I’m not doing any more triathlons this season, but I’m excited to continue training and to work toward Olympic distance next year. I don’t really have any idea how to make that leap, but I’m motivated to find out!