#surprisingly the only person who's not manipulating anybody is bad. who is known for his lies and manipulation

[gremnda]

at this point i can't tell who's manipulating who anymore, it's getting hard to keep track of things lmao :,,D

[numbaoneflaya]

8, 21, 22, 26 for Caz , 25, 27, 29, 39 for Felria, 23, 30, 40, 43 for Suds, and 21, 25, 26, 35 for Nirn? 👀👀

HERE THEY ARE IM SJORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG GDSHEDG...

Caz

8. How does your character feel about religion?

Not a big fan! Hates the chantry and Andraste and the Maker and the Qun. Being raised in the circle run by templars and nuns and seeing the corruption of the church firsthand from the inside really left a bad taste in her mouth for organized religion.

21. What are your character’s manners like? What is their type of hero? Whom do they hate?

She has the ability to flip her manners on or off depending on who shes with. If shes comfortable then shes going to be more crass and impolite, but shes capable of really cleaning up her act and pretending to be professional if she needs to be. Her type of hero is anyone who goes against the status quo and disrupts systems of oppression- She considers Thurwen/the HOF and Hawke personal heroes (if Hawke sides with the mages) as well as Anders. Has read all of Anders manifestos and reports on Thurwen and Hawke and would geek tf out meeting them.

22. Who are their friends? Lovers? ‘Type’ or ‘ideal’ partner?

Friends are anyone who accepts her for who she is and doesnt snitch on her, people she can trust to do the right thing or atleast try to, and people she can have a good laugh with. Lovers are only a couple in the past as she needs to get to know someone well/find them interesting to want to sleep with them. Her type is large, charismatic and rugged. Anyone who looks like a good brat tamer but is also intelligent and keen. Iron Bull.

26. What does your character’s home look like? Personal taste? Clothing? Hair? Appearance?

Everything is covered in tomes and journals but theres a method to the madness. She likes to keep her things organized, surprisingly. She likes cool colors like greens and blues, likes dressing comfortably. Oversized shawls that second as blankets and loose pants. Her hair she likes to keep down with the sides pulled into little braids in front of her ears.

Felria

25. What are their hobbies and interests?

People watching and painting! She knows how to blend into a crowd pretty well or how to find a hidden vantage point where she can just sit and watch people… for hours. She finds peoples behaviors/reactions fascinating and makes little journals of interesting things she sees. Finding how other people work differently than her is vital to figuring out how best to manipulate and control them and she loves learning new ways! And painting because she has an artist's eye and enjoys beautiful things. A few bottles of blood and a quiet evening in front of an easel is a great way for her to unwind.

27. How do they relate to their appearance? How do they wear their clothing? Style? Quality?

She relates her appearance with how easily she will be able to blend in or stand out of her surroundings, and how to dress in order to play the role she wants to play. Because of her line or work (professional assassin and information gatherer) she has to have a lot of costumes available to fit the personalities she plays. Shes a performer at heart but only for herself and the joy she gets in deception. Her own style, if shes not performing, is simple reds and blacks and silvers. She keeps her hair long so shes able to do more with it.

29. What is your character’s weaknesses? Hubris? Pride? Controlling?

Her pride could definitely be her downfall as well as her curiosity. She believes shes just better and different than everybody else and that its her right to play with people as much as she wants, I can see her eventually trying to play with the wrong person. She believes she can get out of any situation by herself without help and that she deserves the finer things in life, and if someone gets in her way, they deserve whatever harm befalls them.

39. What do they like to ridicule? What do they find stupid?

She will really ridicule anything and anyone because she finds most things stupid or benign. She likes to ridicule any of the gods and aedra, and anyone who worships them. She ridicules mortals and werewolves and any other creature that's not a vampire.

Suds

23. What do they want from a partner? What do they think and feel of sex?

Back in his youth he wanted spontaneous fun, a charming and outspoken person to sweep him off his feet. He always wanted someone to take him on adventures and be dangerous and in the moment. Now? Poor guy just wants commitment and someone genuine. Hes tired of charismatic liars who he always seems to fall for. He wants someone to help tend his garden and bond with the bees. He feels that sex is a sacred thing to be shared with people you trust, not something thrown around haphazardly. Relationship and trust come first with him, and he casually waves any flirtation most of the time as if he hadn't noticed it. He's been hurt too many times to trust easily like that.

30. Are they holding on to something in the past? Can he or she forgive?

Yeah hes holding onto a long ass past full of betrayal from the people hes held dearest to him :/ He by nature is a very forgiving person and believes one must be generous in forgiveness. Hes holding onto his past hurt from Felix and cant seem to get away from it- hes forgiven him many times and each time Felix just does the same things as before.

40. How is their sense of humor? Do they have one?

A little dual natured in this aspect. Generally pretty reserved and soft with other people and can seem serious to those who dont know him. Underneath that is his reputation as a trickster- fond of pranks and revelry. The little twinkle in his eye is the only thing that would give him away as the culprit when everyone is looking for who filled a bucket of mud over Nirns chamber door. His favorite kind of jokes are the really long ones, the ones that have a seemingly normal storyline and go on forever and then end in a way where the joke is really on the person listening. And everyone around goes “AAAUUGHH!”

43. Does your character have any secrets? If so, are they holding them back?

A lot of them! Hes a very good secret keeper as hes who many people go to with their problems. After being alive so long and being somewhat involved with politics he probably knows more than a few that could take down nations, and always seems to know whats going on wherever in the world. He has his connections, his mushrooms and his bees and such have eyes everywhere. And don't tell anyone but he is an ardent fan of juicy gossip.

Nirn

21. What are your character’s manners like? What is their type of hero? Whom do they hate?

Impeccable manners. The posture of a God, obviously. Always eloquent and polite, knows which spoons to use for certain dishes and common diplomacy practice from all over the world. Nirn has no heroes, hes never held anyone to a pedestal or been one for hero worship. If he had to choose hed say his mother, for how graceful yet ruthless she was in politics and trade. He also does not hate anybody, he considers strong feelings a weakness and to harbor such resentment would only make him act rashly. He dislikes the slovenly, though. Not the common man but the drunken aristocrat with wine breath who gambles his savings and acts impolitely.

25. What are their hobbies and interests?

Chess and games of strategy are some of his favorites in the odd chance he has any free time. He also plays the violin and the harp and the lute, instruments he's known since he was taught them as a child. Wine tasting as well! Hes one of those mfs who can just sniff a certain drink and say with precision the date time and location it was made.

26. What does your character’s home look like? Personal taste? Clothing? Hair? Appearance?

Everything is refined and elegant with a certain air of someone who enjoys the arts. Many expensive paintings and sculptures on display. He prefers the colors red and gold and white, sometimes a darkish blue or purple. He is always dressed to impress, satin and velvet and exotic leathers. He keeps his hair long to the small of his back, or tied up in a bun. In appearance hes intimidatingly tall and knows how to stand to look even taller, does not tilt his head down to you but moreso stares down his nose.

35. Do they always rationalize errors? How do they accept disasters and failures?

Failure is only a means to greater success to him. To win a game sometimes you need to sacrifice a few pawns, etc. Takes them calmly and with little indication that hes upset at all. He usually has four or five backup plans for any endeavor, so hes able to quickly jump tactics if something isn't working. In game or battle hes typically a good sport at losing, though he very seldom does. Hed be more impressed that someone managed to make him fail, and get to thinking on how to get them in his employ.

[panharmonium]

more rambling re: that last post (+ the merlin/will fic survey overview)

because i generally refrain from reading fic while i’m actively writing for a fandom, the only real ao3 reading i have done for merlin is my survey of the merlin/will ship tag.  and the only reason i undertook that survey in the first place is because while i was doing an introductory cruise of the various merlin tags during my first exploration of the fandom (after i finally finished S5 and was able to start looking into fandom dynamics without fearing spoilers), i noticed that a LOT of the fic tagged with this ship was also tagged merlin/arthur, and despite the fact that i personally am more interested in gen stuff, i started to get both suspicious and annoyed about what i was seeing.  but i also wanted to have the data to back up my annoyed feelings, so i made a little spreadsheet for myself and then just filled it in whenever i had time to kill and wanted something to do. 

the data, when i eventually finished, backed up my annoyance pretty much as well as i expected, which was disappointing, but not surprising.

to clarify - i’m not annoyed by the fact that will and merlin don’t have a whole lot of material in their ship tag.  will only showed up directly in one episode; i don’t expect him to be a popular subject.  what i AM annoyed by is the fact that there are actually more merlin/arthur fics in the merlin/will tag than there are fics that actually focus on...merlin/will.  by, like - an extreme margin.

(the rest of this is just me griping about fandom trends.  popping it under a cut so folks can just move on with their days if this isn’t relevant to their interests.)

The Numbers

two quick notes before i get into the nitty-gritty:

1) i originally did this survey a few months ago, but i updated it this week with fics that have been added since then, so the numbers are current.  

2) some of the data below would probably vary slightly depending on who was conducting the survey, so there’s a bit of wiggle room in either direction.  the criteria i had to use [aka what counts as just a ship ‘mention’ vs actual content] would be subject to reader interpretation, obviously, but even with that, i do feel that most stories fell into pretty clear categories.)

so, without further ado -

total # of fics in the ship tag: 145

number of fics that are inappropriately tagged (meaning either will himself or merlin/will as a ship does not actually appear [which is kind of bizarre, but which i saw happen surprisingly frequently], OR where there is only a brief reference to will or past!merlin/will and that’s the extent of their inclusion: 50

number of fics that are duplicates of works already in the tag (ie podfic), or (in one case) a meta podcast about the show: 5

so, that brings down our total number of fics with some sort of actual merlin/will content to 90.

of these 90 works, only 17 of them are actually focused on merlin/will.  

everything else in will’s ship tag, including the 54 works from the previously discussed "incorrectly tagged” category, is either a) fic where will is dumped, broken up with, or otherwise passed over in favor of arthur (and very occasionally gwaine, at least once mordred, once percival, once arthur and gwaine in a threesome, and once CENRED, which i’m sure will would be especially thrilled about), or b) fic where will is only included as a previous/ex relationship (again, almost always in lieu of arthur).  

moreover - of the 17 actual merlin/will fics, 7 still end with will dying or the relationship ending for reasons other than him being passed over for arthur.  an additional 4 are <1000 word PWP snippets, generally written for old LJ summer pornathons, one of which still somehow manages to be...you guessed it - all about arthur. 

in terms of actual one-shots/full fics where merlin/will is the endgame/non-dead pairing, there are only 6 stories.  

i repeat: will gets six earnest stories, IN HIS OWN SHIP TAG.  

i repeat once again: will, in a non-dead, endgame form, gets 4% of his own ship tag.

The Content

the in-fic trends are frustrating, if you actually like this character.

the asshole.  will is an abusive boyfriend.  he is a jealous ex. he’s a shitty friend.  he’s a stalker.  he’s manipulative.  he’s emotionally abusive.  he’s physically abusive.  he dumps merlin for someone else.  he cheats.  in one fic he’s so mad at merlin that he outs merlin’s magic to arthur.  in multiple fics, i watched him literally go off the rails and try to murder somebody.

the fuckbuddy. they’re just messing around, guys!  no, of course it’s not serious!  they just do this for fun!  of course there’s nothing to get in the way of arthur’s inevitable arrival!  no sirree!

the unrequited.  will is actually in it deep for merlin, but merlin doesn’t feel the same.  this does not, however, prevent merlin from using will for sex, companionship, comfort, distraction, etc - until arthur shows up, when will either steps aside in deference to merlin’s all-consuming passion for arthur or is dropped like a hot potato.

“not even will.”  that sentence.  over and over again.  merlin had never felt like this before, not even with will.  nobody had ever understood merlin like this, not even will.   even in fic when they were like.  married.  or engaged.  fanon arthur pendragon must be truly mind-blowing, y’all.

dead long-term relationship.  will was merlin’s husband/fiancé/long-term partner.  now he is Dead.  merlin getting together with arthur is what allows merlin to Heal.  (these stories sometimes contain some variation of “not even will,” as discussed above.)

lastly, in a related phenomenon:

who are you and what have you done with arthur pendragon???   i suppose in a way it’s nice to know that will isn’t the only one who gets the OOC treatment, but it is still really...something, to read fic where will is twisted into an unpleasant, abusive, canon non-compliant version of himself, and then to see arthur, on the very same page, transformed into a gentle, solicitous, kind, caring, equally canon non-compliant angel.  fanon!arthur is more worried about merlin’s well-being than literally anyone i have ever seen.  he is so invested in merlin’s emotional health.  he is so concerned about merlin’s boundaries.  he says things to merlin that no version of arthur pendragon has ever - EVER - in any universe, thought about saying to anybody.  he wants to hear all about merlin’s problems, and he’s all about taking it slow and making sure merlin feels comfortable and loved and worthy and safe (from all that horrible stuff done by that horrible other guy; that must’ve been so hard, merlin; ‘it’s okay, i’ve got you now’) - the man is utterly unrecognizable.  and you know what?  it’s okay!  it is fine to make your characters as OOC as you want.  it is fine to make them better/nicer than they were in the canon.  sometimes we all want that, right?  it’s fanfic!  have a ball.  i will never tell anyone to stop writing what they like, and i will NEVER interact negatively with a fic i don’t care for.  EVER.  do not do this, people - click the back button and move on with your life.   but i reserve the right to be annoyed, in my own space, about a persistent trend of will and arthur’s canon functions being flat-out reversed, in service of merlin/arthur.  not in the sense that canon!will is particularly gentle or sweet, because that’s not the case - but in the sense that will, in canon, is the one who actually cares about merlin’s best interests, whereas arthur is, quite frankly, the ass. a lovable ass (sometimes).  but an ass nonetheless, and one whose relationship with merlin is, from start to finish, an unhealthy, oppressive mess.

The Point

the point of me typing this up is not to say that what people choose to write is bad or wrong.  this is fanfic!  you can write whatever you want.  you can make characters as OOC as you want.  you can create as many AUs as you want.  i don’t mind fic authors writing stuff i don’t personally care for; someone else probably loves those stories!  and i am never going to interact negatively with anything i don’t personally enjoy - i am going to let people continue to have fun in their own ways, and i am going to grumble about my frustrations in my own space, and then i’m going to direct my energy into writing stuff i would personally like to read.

the point is just that i needed a brief second to complain, on my own blog, about my most familiar bbc merlin nemesis (otherwise known as ‘single-ship ubiquity’).  and what i mean by this is that it is REALLY FRUSTRATING that other little relationships are not even granted the tiniest concession of owning their own ship tags, in a fandom that is already so SATURATED with merlin/arthur content.  like - even if i’m generous and use the number 17 for the number of actual merlin/will fics in the tag, that still means 88% of will’s ship tag is actually fic about merlin falling in love with people who aren’t will (*cougharthur*).  eighty-eight percent!  of his own ship tag!  

(to put it another way - the ship tag isn’t supposed to be where you go to watch your character get repeatedly dumped or left behind for someone else, okay?  it’s supposed to be literally the opposite of that.)

will’s ship tag is already tiny.  and almost all of it belongs to arthur.  moreover, a significant chunk of it uses will as a convenient villain (completely contradicting every canon aspect of his characterization), when in the actual story will dies to protect arthur (who he doesn’t even like) and then lies to save merlin (at the expense of his own reputation, and despite the fact that he personally thinks merlin returning to camelot is a bad idea).  his behavior in canon is selfless, and wholly committed to merlin’s welfare, and yet in his ship tag he gets treated like trash.  

the kid can’t catch a break.  and it’s such a pervasive thing that even though i personally am primarily interested in merlin and will as friends (i am pretty romance-averse in general when it comes to media, and i have never written anything that isn’t gen, for any fandom, ever, in my life), i am also so indignant on will’s behalf that i’ve basically become invested in the well-being of this ship as a matter of principle.  it’s not my main thing, and it’s not necessarily how i view the canon-verse, but i am SO IRRITATED about how virtually all of will’s shipfic has been taken over by merthur (and about how maligned will is in his own tag) that i have actively committed myself to supporting merlin and will together in as many AUs as possible.  

(this is basically like when i trained myself to love allison argent after teen wolf killed her off.  i did that out of spite, y’all.  it’s the principle of the thing.)

so, y’know.  all i am saying is that i think will deserves his share of happy endings, and i think it would be nice to see fics where he is not just a stepping stone on the road to merthur or an unrecognizable parody of himself.

more importantly - EVERY merlin ship deserves to have a tag that isn’t completely swallowed by the local fandom behemoth.  merlin/arthur already owns three quarters of the archive.  a gargantuan oil tanker like that can afford to let the little rarepair canoes float down their own streams in peace.

[gayllamafromspace]

Embrace Your Chaos

(Tissaia De Vries/Reader)

Chapter 7: It's HIGH Time We Made A Friend

It's been weeks since I had last spoken to Tissaia, or rather, since she had spoken to me. I can't say I expected any less. It had become apparent that after our 4 days together, she wanted nothing to do with me. Nothing can be done about that, and nothing will be. She has chosen to still resent me for my mistake, and I don't blame her. So, I avoided her too, as I am now… sitting alone in the dining hall. When I say I'm avoiding her, what I really mean is that I am sitting alone at the table closest to the hall's door. And watching her, can't forget that detail. Not in a creepy way! I'm just occasionally observing what's going on with the other 7 girls. Which, I'd learned their names, through a very embarrassing lesson from the Rectoress. The lesson itself was meant to have been taught on the first day, but the rectoress decided to postpone. The Rectoress's decision to do so made the other girls very irritated with me. To say the least.

There is of course Tissaia, who I am all too familiar with. She was one of the 4 that was actually capable of lifting the rock, while using the flower as a conduit. I had been tempted to make a snarky comment about our time together not being entirely useless, but I decided against it. She hates me enough as it is, I don't think damaging her precious ego would do much good. One of the other girls, who took longer, but was quick to follow mine and Tissaia's lead, is named Margarita. She has lovely blonde hair, and strikingly blue eyes, almost the same shade as Tissaia's, but not nearly as beautiful… is what I would say, if me and said blue eyed brunette weren't currently at odds. Have I made my point? I'm pretty sure I have. Anyways, Margarita - or as she prefers to be called - Rita, is a very interesting character. She clearly has no shame, and somehow she's managed not to make all of the girls hate her. Despite her garish and quite childish behavior. She is actually one of the only girls that hasn't decided that I am a bane of the earth, which I am grateful for.

Roan, with her pale yellowish skin and who's hair is straighter than the stick up Tissaia's ass, has a very unfortunate case of air headedness. She cannot take hints for the life of her, and it is almost intriguing the amount of idiotic blabbering that can come from her before Annita (another one of the girls) covers her mouth. Annita, as previously mentioned, is the sound control of the group over yonder. Her skin is a lovely shade of chocolatey brown, and I would find her effortlessly attractive if it wasn't for her tendency to make the most overly expressive and revolving faces on the continent. Her smile is too wide and very clearly forced, her lips peel back from her teeth a horrifying amount when she does. She has some semblance of intelligence, but her constant need to sneer and wrinkle her nose at the mere sight of me is ridiculous. She does have pretty eyes though, a nice hazel color, leaning more toward brown than green. Her hair is short, nearly to her scalp, and it's black like Roan's.

Then there's Sanota and Veblen. Sanota has auburn hair and brown eyes, her features are soft and round, but her personality is the complete opposite. She's a bitch, from the way she walks to the way she talks, it just screams, "I thrive off of the tears of children." I had attempted to help her during the rock lifting lesson, but she was having none of it. As a result, a few of her fingers withered and died on her left hand. It was truly horrifying. Her once pale skin had turned a disgusting murky gray and black, and I don't think she'll ever be able to use those fingers again. The point is though, she is so rude and unaccepting of help from anyone, that it's self-destructive. Quite literally. I would almost feel bad for her, if she wasn't so cruel to me, and poor Veblen.

She is younger than me by about 2 years, being around 14. She is actually a very sweet girl, she's quiet and respectful. But she worships the ground that Sanota walks on. Sanota is very rude to her, calls her names, pushes her around. Veblen had actually tried to talk to me once and Sonata was quick to grab her by her light brown hair and drag her away. The girl was on the verge of tears. But with Sanota's cruelty, she also gets protection. From what? Well, that would be from Tissaia's annoyance, Rita's bad habits, Roan's idiotic choices of coversation, and Annita's terrifying facial expressions. To Veblen, Sonata is a new older sister and guardian angel - obviously - to literally anybody else, Sanota is using her for menial tasks and as a servant. It's infuriating, but I can understand why. The Rectoress gives us a LOT of pointless work and stuff that really could be avoided, but the rest of us suck it up and just do it. Not push it on a weaker, easily manipulated, child. Well… she's not a child, but my point still stands!

Finally, there's Lida. Lida is huge, I mean, HUGE. She's around five foot ten and her body is just muscle. If it weren't for her shoulder length blonde hair and shockingly feminine voice, I would think she was some sort of unisex goddess. She has been surprisingly open about her life, she was raised on a farm and her mother died before she could bear any sons. Her father was so in love with his deceased wife that he couldn't remarry and try for one, so he raised his daughter like he would have raised his son. The result is mouth wateringly delicious, but she's not really my type. Very attractive in her own right, but just not for me. Maybe if I get on her good side, she could help me get a little more fit? Highly unlikely. She's a follower, and as a follower, she's going to follow the rest of the girls in hating me. Which, I don't really care anymore, I've got me.

It's lonely, I can pretend all I like, but it sucks. The only person who's actually bothered to spend the faintest bit of time on me since the situation Tissaia ended was Gwendolyn. The servant woman. She's very sweet, and has been very supportive. A part of me wants to wish and hope that she is secretly my aunt and that she can whisk me away from this place forever. That is impossible, so outrageously optimistic that it almost makes me want to cry in frustration. Despite this though, she has been a beacon of light over the past few weeks, and I couldn't be more thankful. It's actually because of her, that what I lack in friends my age, I have gained friends her age. Much of the staff knows me by name, and occasionally I'll be visited by the odd maid who was passing by, or a cook who wanted me to try a new recipe of theirs. The company has been tremendous, but lacking. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy talking to them all and learning about their lives and stories of adventure from the few that have actually been out on the world to explore. But I want to bond with someone my age, and not for diplomatic reasons like I had before coming to Aretuza. So that I can genuinely enjoy the time I spend with another person, so we can cause trouble and talk about the people we like. Someone I could come out too if I trust them enough.

I thought I could get that from Tissaia, but she clearly has other plans. I'm hoping she forgets about my sexuality, I should have lied. I would have lied, if I'd known this is how we would end up. Me sitting at a table as far away from her, her new friends, and everyone else in the Hal as possible. While I watch her laugh from afar, and Margarita gets out of her seat with her tray and leaves the table, walking over towards me. Wait a minute! Why is she coming over here? Did she see me starring, am I about to get yelled at? I wasn't trying to stare, I was just… yes I was staring, but it wasn't in a bad way. I'm an idiot, what should I do? She's almost here. Fuck, damn it. I'm looking down, I'm going to look down at my tray and pick at my food while I wait for the ensuing lecture.

But it never comes. I see her place her tray down right in front of me and plop downright there. Timidly, I look up. Never being this close to her before, I suddenly notice so much. Her eyes are nothing like Tissaia's, actually, they're so much brighter and filled with mischief. Tissaia's eyes are more gray in comparison, not like it matters. Margarita's nose is ever so slightly crooked toward the left, and her lips are full. She is very attractive, shockingly so. On her plump lips, is a grin riddled with trouble and, surprisingly, friendliness. She doesn't seem all too abashed by my observation of her, she actually seems to be thriving off the attention, which is interesting. She, obviously, had no problem sizing me up too, and it's when her grin widens that our akward and strange silence is finally interrupted.

"So, (Y/N), are you having fun over here by yourself?" She says, taking a bite of the food on her plate. I hesitate, suspicious of her reasons for being over here.

"No, actually. It's quite boring." I say, looking around the hall. The girls at Margarita's former table are all looking over at us with confused faces, and I must say, I am just as confused. My confusion of course is dissipated when she speaks again.

"It can't be more boring than over there. They keep yapping about how the Rectoress is so powerful and assignments blah blah blah." She says emphasizing her words by waving her fork around. "You though," She points the fork at me.

"You seem like much more entertaining company to keep." She finishes her sentence by stabbing a piece of her pork and bringing it to her mouth to chew slowly. I had long since finished my food, but my glass was still half full, so I took a sip before answering. The juice inside is tart and dries my mouth some once I've swallowed it. Very disappointing.

"And what makes you think that, Margarita Laux-Antille." I say, opting to use her full name for formal and intimidation purposes. She swallows her bite of pork before giving me a devilish smirk. She places down her fork and puts her elbows on the table, folding her hands together under her chin.

"I know a fellow troublemaker when I see one, and seeing as how Tissaia has expressed a LOT about how much of one you are, I think you and I will get along perfectly." She says. Well… guess there's no arguing against that. I was about to try, but before I could open my mouth, she reached her hand out for me to shake.

"Just call me Rita, there's no need for all that fancy shit, especially since we're now friends." She says as I take her hand and shake it. I look her in the eye with my brows furrowed.

"I never said we were friends." I said, a bit of amusement playing on her face and mine. She stands up, smiling down at me.

"Maybe not yet…" she says cryptidly, "meet me in my room in 2 hours. It's the room at the end of your hall." And with that, she leaves the dinning hall and leaves me alone to my thoughts. I'm smiling, I know I am. Have I really just made a friend? Perhaps. She showed no intention of hurting me, so meeting her later shouldn't be too bad of a plan right? I will of course tell Gwen, for safety reasons, if she doesn't see me in the morning to help with breakfast she'll need to come looking. I know she will, she cares about me. If things do go wrong and it is a trap, then I can just run out and hide in my room for the rest of the night.otherwise, things should be nice and calm.

 

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Things were certainly NOT calm. Not in the slightest. Upon arriving at her room, I was very quickly greeted with smoke and the undeniable scent of alcohol. Why? Well because miss Margarita Laux-Antille was smoking a blunt of unknown origin and had a bottle of wine held firm in her hand. She clearly had just begun… whatever this is. But, I at least knew that she wasn't trying to kill me. On purpose. I lasted maybe 2 minutes before the temptation to join her was too much, she was incredibly adamant about me joining her in her little party, and who am I to decline. So, the night went from confusing to so irrevocably clear that I feel like an idiot for questioning her intentions before. The other girls, teacher's pets and people pleasers that they are, had refused to join Rita in her fun multiple times. That's ridiculous! Who in their right mind would give up the chance to get high out of your mind and three sheets to the wind with this complete wack job? Rita is a riot. She is completely unabashed by literally everything, she doesn't give a damn, and her sense of humor is absolutely filthy. She is the BEST person you could ever get into trouble with.

So much so, that maybe one joint and four swigs of wine in, and I'm agreeing to steal a frog from one of the many classrooms and put the little fucker in Roan's room. That task was not so horrible. Finding out where the frogs were was a problem, me and Rita had to drunkenly wonder about for hours trying to find out which room they were in. Everything was moving and all the rooms started to look the same. By some miracle, no one was patrolling this hall, for now anyway. Being drunk and completely dumbasses at the moment, we'd forgotten to close all of the doors that we opened. We don't care, we have a goal. At one point Rita had tugged on my dress and drug me into one of the rooms. It was decidedly NOT a classroom. It was a winery, how did we find it? We shall never know, but, it's location is now burned within our brains and we shall forever find it from this day forth.

The room in itself is massive, wall to wall are shelves of unopened bottles of wine and other random alcohols that are placed in some sort of order. That order does not matter to us intoxicated teenagers, because we are drunk… and teenagers. It's not rocket science the point is, we have been introduced to a treasure trove of liquid courage, and the first thing we're going to do is steal as much as we possibly can and hide it everywhere. So, our side quest begins. Take as much rum, brandy, wine, jack, scotch, vodka, and whatever else is in there and carry it in our skirts like kangaroo pouches. Our legs are indecently exposed, and we do not care, we have loot. Said loot is loud, which of course means that we should shush it. Shushing is actually more loud and pointless, but we do it anyway. Why? Because our new babies are being loud and they need to shut up. They do not shut up, not until we have all but one bottle each of it. Out of maybe 20 bottles, 2 are unhidden.

It is at this point that we have finally found the classrooms. So, after deciding to hide the last two bottles in my room tomorrow, we go and save a frog from it's doom. A very magical doom. Said frog is a grayish brown color and very cute. It's eyes are gold. He has been dictated a boy by Rita dearest, and his name is now Fredrick. Fredrick the frog, who will soon be acquainted with Roan. Roan, with her black hair and eyes. Roan, who talks too much and gets on Rita's nerves. Roan, who has insulted Tissaia on multiple occasions unknowingly.

"Roan did what!?" I whisper-yell at Rita. Rita, is amused, her face cracking into a manic and almost teasing grin.

"Yeah (Y/N)," she says smoothly, wrapping an arm around me and leaning against my shoulder, my already imparted balance worsening with her added weight and swaying. I asked her what Roan said, ignoring the slight tremor of anger I feel. It's nothing, I'm just mad that I wasn't the one who did it.

"Oh, Roan told her that she was an…. Uptight hormonal mess, " Rita hesitates, trying to remember through her haze. "With a serious neatness problem?" She is clearly unsure of her answer, but I have to laugh. The insult itself was funny, but clearly not meant as an insult. It was an observation that Roan, being her, couldn't keep to herself. My laughter is quickly joined by Rita's, both of us covering each other's mouths and shushing one another.We are nearly to Roan's room, the familiar hall with all of our rooms just around the next corner.

"Tissaia must have been mad," I said, chuckling lightly. Rita looks at me like I'm an idiot, I probably am.

"Mad? She wasn't just mad. She was livid, she stormed out of the hall without a word to anyone, it was fantastic…. But disappointing, Roan needs to shut up." She says, round the corner with me and starting to lead the way to Roan's room.

"Well, maybe sir Fredrick the fierce can teach her some manners?" I offer, looking down at Fredrick and letting him softly on his head. Rita shakes her head and stops in front of a door, slowly opening it. I frown, knowing that now I must let my dear friend Fredrick the frog go. Telling him goodbye, I hand him reluctantly to Rita. She goes into the room, leaving me to do a horrible job to keep a lookout.

Roan was fast asleep of course, because no one is supposed to be awake. Me and Rita giggle as quietly as possible while leaving Roan's room. The deed has been done, and what a wonderful morning it is. It's maybe…. Two in the morning? It's hard to keep track of time. They get caught of course, but by one of my servant friends, they look at the two of us, smile, wink, and carry on their way. The rest of the short trek to Rita's room is excruciatingly difficult because of the swaying, leaning, stumbling, and quiet chuckling we're doing.

When we have finally made it back to Rita's room, it's like the floodgates have been busted open, because the second that door closed we were on the floor laughing like buffoons. Rita, who has decided the night is not yet over, takes yet another swig of wine and passes it to me. It's warm, and grape flavored. I can understand why people would drink wine all the time at dinner parties, it's a delight! The way it makes you feel is amazing. I'm happy and everything is so funny, my eyes are kind of tired, but I'm not sleepy. I crawl over to Rita and grab her hand, grinning like an idiot.

"You are… my best friend…" I say, slurring slightly and shaking my head. Rita rolls over on top of me and hugs me, nuzzling into my chest. Her hair tickles my nose, so I blow it outta my face and wrap my arms around her.

"Besties… let's give those girls hell… hm?" She says drowsily, looking up at me and blinking slowly. With an unreasonably loud laugh and a dopey grin, I nod in agreement. She lays her head back down, sprawled on top of me. She's not exactly light, but I don't feel like moving her, so I let her lie there. Eventually she starts to snore, it's annoying, but I'm too drunk to care. So, not so long after her, I slowly begin to drift off… so begins the most chaotic and troublesome friendship in all of Aretuza. The Rectoress wanted chaos… well, here it is.

[thetwilightroadtonightfall]

KH3 Ending/Epilogue/Secret Ending commentary

aka things I didn’t get to post in the moments they happened because I was too busy crying

(remaining) Org Battles

ALYSON STONER IS SO GOOD AT VOICING XION!!! HER CRYING BROKE MY HEART

Axel and Saix........Lea and Isa......easily one of the best scenes in the entire game...

the sea salt trio hugging was at the top of my list for things to happen in kh3 and I got it...major, major tearjerker

and the wayfinder trio was next!!! at this point I accepted that I was gonna be crying for a very long time

Ven accepting Vanitas as he is, darkness and all......it felt, I don’t know...really mature, I think. You can’t get everyone to be what you want them to be. Vanitas’ line “I do stand by you, I’m the shadow you cast. How much closer can I be?” was perfect

Ven and Vanitas having a conversation without trying to kill each other was just something I really needed okay

Final Battles

the whole “being human must take incredible strength” with Xemnas was another wham line straight to the heart

stop mAKING SORA CRY YOU ASS

@keykidpilipili you were absolutely right in saying that the X-Blade looks like a glitter pen

Donald and Goofy, dads of the year

I wish Kairi was here

STOP BEATING ME UP I WANT TO ENJOY THE SCENERY

also that music is really anxiety-inducing, which means Yoko Shimomura really did her job well

anybody else glad that we didn’t have to fight all of those members in Scala ad Caelum because holy crap getting even one member down was a struggle

manipulating the environment like Xemnas I see

I had a bad time with this portion of the fight because of the environment. Surprisingly the water portion was easy and then the rest was pretty fair

Post-Final Battles

Aqua stepping back to trust Terra...👌

I only wish Aqua had played more of a role in the last set of battles. She’s a master after all

the image of Xehanort handing the X-Blade to Sora will forever be engraved in my memory

WAYFINDER FAMILY FEELS PART 2

Xehanort and Eraqus validating me shipping them for years like nobody’s business. I’m very satisfied with this ending for Xehanort because not only is he not gonna cause anymore trouble, he gets to hang with the one person who really cared/s about him

that flashback came for my life and threw me into the heavens

also.....that moment where Xehanort was looking over at Eraqus, surrounded by the love of his students, while he has no one. I felt kinda bad, but at the same time, that’s his consequence. No one to pass his legacy onto. A life spent in isolation, trying to fight the inevitable

enjoy your eternal chess match guys 

I wish Kairi was here

Ending

ship whatever the heck you want but you can’t deny that Sora cares deeply for Kairi

hOW DID I LIVE IN A KINGDOM OF THIIEEEEEEVEEEESSSSS

*cries for the 12345th time in a row*

WAYFINDER FAMILY FEELS PART 3

ohhhhh......Ven holding Chirithy like a baby....😭❤️

Xion’s outfit is so cute!!!!

aND ISA’S IS SO UGLY LMAOO I LOVE IT

the huge fashion spectrum of kh strikes again

god, I really missed Namine. She’s beautiful and I wish we got to see and hear more of her

...how many times did we all collectively dream of seeing everybody having fun on the beach? how many times did people include that in their post-kh3 fics? how many years did we wait for this precious scene?

[sees Sora disappear from Kairi’s side] oh I don’t like that. please don’t do that

Epilogue

GOOD GOD THAT MESSED ME UP BIG TIME

I CANNOT FREAKIJN BELIEBBVE

I expected a thousand year-old man under that hood, not fucking Xigbar

cue me sobbing for the next 17 years because what the fuck man

[Ira voice] “so, um......how long have you been Xigbar?”

how long has he been Xigbar. Was he always Xigbar? Was he always Braig? All I know is that I have to rewatch every Xigbar scene now

he shall henceforth be known as.......Luxubar

we always said that the MoM reminded us of Xigbar a bit........I’m mad

HOW MANY BODIES HAS HE BEEN THROUGH? HOW DOES HE GET BODIES? WHY DOES HE HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS ROLE?? I HAVE QUESTIONS DAMMIT

needless to say though, I’m very happy to see the foretellers again. They all look lovely and I hope we get to see more of them 

I got so messed up by Luxu that I legit didn’t realize Ava wasn’t there until he said so. I did feel off, but it didn’t register to me that she was the one missing. A shame, because she would’ve been pretty in these graphics :/

it’s funny how Maleficent and Pete basically know more than anybody at this point now

Gula just wants Ava, is that so much to ask??!!

hey this epilogue is a like a parallel to the Secret Ending of kh2, neato

Eraqus: Just watch! [slams Sora’s piece into the chessboard, breaking it] oh shit

Secret Ending

oh my god the graphics are amazing...look at that puddle...look at the stuff on Sora’s hand....

this is totally Shibuya. twewy confirmed

Do I know why Yozora’s here? No. Is he a real dude? Who knows. Do I have a thing for white haired dudes? Yeah.

when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.........

[squints] MoM? you move like him and there shouldn’t be anymore black coats around other than you and Luxubar

so.......Kingdom Hearts IV when

[azuresquirrel]

More additional thoughts on “Now We’re Only Falling Apart” with a detailed rewatch

I bet it will be some time before we get Steven himself grappling with this, as right now the focus is on the gems/Sapphire and Ruby, and lord knows Steven has a habit of repressing his own feelings in order to try to make everyone else happy

AMETHYST TAKES THIS SURPRISINGLY WELL. But then of course Amethyst was there for none of the war and never met Pink Diamond. It’s all theoretical to her and she lives in the present anyway.

I AM STILL LIVING FOR SAPPHIRE GOING FUCKING OFF

“No, YOU couldn’t have known! You never know what’s going on! That’s what I’m for!” - OUCH. I’m certain that Sapphire didn’t mean to insult Ruby with this but wow, that’s a deep cut. Of course Sapphire blames herself for trusting Rose, but in her anger she accidentally throws it back at Ruby “what they’re made for.” Sapphire is the oracle, the one who’s “above” Ruby, the one who’s not just a dumb footsoldier. In a moment of doubt and betrayal all of those years that they’ve spent happy together, happy to defy their “purpose”, in this moment it suddenly comes crashing down. POOR RUBY.

“But I never looked into her. I trusted her. And I let her make fools of us all!” - GO FUCKING OFF!!!! No wonder Sapphire feels (RIGHTFULLY) betrayed. Rose told them not to question and SHE DIDN’T. She didn’t use her vision on Rose because she placed that trust in her. WHAT A CRUSHING BETRAYAL. “Making me believe in a better future I couldn’t see. Because it wasn’t real.” OUCH.

AND THEN WE GET A WHOLE SHITLOAD OF BACKSTORY, a lot of which I’ve already commented on, but let’s give a summation on HER, shall we? Pink Diamond. So we get a much fuller picture here. Am I ready to say “oh but she meant well so it’s all hunky-dory?” Of course not. Plenty of Pink/Rose’s crimes still remain (THE GAG ORDER. BISMUTH.) but Pink and especially her relationship with Pearl now has a much different angle based on what we see here. Indeed, for all of her faults she wasn’t willfully malicious. Rather she was selfish, short-sighted, unaware of consequences, spoiled (by Blue and Yellow, and a bit by Pearl herself), and PAINFULLY naive. That being said, my very worst feelings and assumptions based upon the ending of “A Single Pale Rose” now have a different angle - in that I saw a tyrant manipulating the gem who belonged to her, purposefully taking advantage of Pearl’s obvious feelings to talk her into something she didn’t want to do, caring not a whit for anybody but herself, oh I was so mad on Pearl’s behalf I was ready to spit poison. Again, THAT GAG ORDER IS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE FORGIVEN, but Pink really was TRYING to be a good person. SHE WAS JUST REALLY FUCKING BAD AT IT.

SO LET’S TALK ABOUT PEARL. AND ROSE. Because THIS. OHHHHH THIS. THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER.

Years of years of people saying that “oh Pearl’s delusional. Rose never loved her as much as Pearl loved her. Rose was leading her on. Pearl is making it all up how close Rose was to her.” Even at times when I wasn’t the biggest fan of Pearl I resented this “take” that Pearl was lying to herself all this time. And how this puts it DEAD IN THE GROUND. Because not only was A LOT of this relationship initiated by Pearl herself, not only was Rose “swept off her feet” by Pearl -

PEARL STARTED THE REBELLION. SHE REBELLED FROM THE VERY FIRST. SHE CREATED ROSE QUARTZ. All of it was because of Pearl, not only her and Rose’s relationship but the entire rebellion for Earth. 

From the start Pink’s greatest interest in “her colony” was the idea that she was “creating life from nothing.” She is later crushed to find out this isn’t the case, but it seems this desire in her never really died. HENCE, STEVEN.

So Pink really wasn’t aware of what the colonization would do? Was she being purposefully ignorant, or was she that sheltered by Blue and Yellow? Of course Pink has always been characterized as “younger” than Blue and Yellow, more like a kid sister or even their CHILD than their equal, but this piece of it still strikes me as odd.

Pink wishes she could go down to Earth and Pearl immediately says she’ll take her. And Pink tries to brush her off at first “I’ll never hear the end of it from Yellow and Blue” - so the combination of this + the vision in “Jungle Moon” indicates that Diamonds are “supposed” to observe the colonization from the planet’s moon and not actually go down there. So indeed, THE VERY FIRST REBELLION AGAINST THIS ORDER IS FROM PEARL.

“They won’t find out. Because . . . you look just like a Quartz.” ALL OF IT. WAS FROM PEARL’S “IMAGINATION.” A thing that’s she’s not supposed to have unless she is ordered. ALL OF IT WAS PINK ENACTING PEARL’S VISION. How completely lovely and completely TRAGIC. Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? Without Pearl’s actions, Rose would not exist, and her and Pearl would have never shared their love and their rebellion. But BECAUSE of Pearl’s actions, that was why she ended up LOSING what she loved. SUCH GRAND, EPIC TRAGEDY.

Talk about things seeming different in hindsight: Deep down you know/You weren’t built for fighting/But that doesn’t mean you’re not prepared to try/What they don’t know/Is your real advantage/When you live for someone you’re prepared to die. ONLY FROM PEARL TO ROSE? OR ALSO FROM PINK TO PEARL? 

“They told her to finish what she started” - with Yellow. “When she told the other Diamonds she wanted to preserve life on Earth, they created the zoo and threw a handful of humans in” - with Blue. So I’m taking this that The Zoo was specifically Blue Diamond’s creation. Makes sense and how TERRIBLE AND TWISTED. “Ugh fine, have some human pets now shut up.”

Honestly thank goodness, because The Zoo being Pink’s doing singlehandedly undermines EVERYTHING about “Rose Quartz” so I’m quite fine with this being corrected as not the work of gross hypocrisy.

“But I’ve been imagining things, even when you haven’t asked me to. I imagine that I ran away and I met you here on Earth - a Rose Quartz. And I’m not yours, but I make you so happy anyway.” ALL OF IT. ESSENTIALLY CREATED BY PEARL HERSELF.

Actually my biggest question on the cliffhanger is WHERE’S AMETHYST? WHY DID SHE LET RUBY RUN OFF?

I GOT SO MUCH MORE OUT OF THIS EPISODE THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD and honestly I’m really happy that we got ACTUAL ANSWERS about how “Rose Quartz” was created essentially “right after” A Single Pale Rose.

[movieswithkevin27]

Maudie

Set in a small fishing town in Nova Scotia, Maudie is quite the quaint little biographical film. Directed by Aisling Walsh, this Canadian production tells the story of Maud Lewis (Sally Hawkins). A slight Canadian woman who developed juvenile rheumatoid arthritis leading to her being written off by her family and others as a "cripple", Maud lived a hard life. But, she always had her painting that gave her a reason to find that simple beauty in life. Being hired as a housemaid for Everett Lewis (Ethan Hawke) and later becoming his wife, Maud is a simple soul who is spilling over with purity. With her paintings quickly taking off and becoming famous enough to be bought by Vice President Richard Nixon, Maud is no longer seen as a “cripple”, but still must live a life that really took a toll on her in the 67 years that she lived on this Earth. A melodic and silently poetic film, Maudie is a surprisingly strong film that eschews cliché and predictability in favor of honoring the slow and moving harmony of one woman’s rise from obscurity to becoming an inspiration for people everywhere.

Painting birds or trees or the seasons, Maud’s artwork is the type that is largely unassuming. It is subtle and its simply beauty really sneaks up on you. Appearing rather straight-forward on the surface, her paintings of the world around her rightfully become a hit. They may appear simple, but there is an indescribable beauty lying within them that speaks to you, no matter one’s walk of life. Capturing this essence perfectly, Aisling Walsh’s film is one that really sneaks up on you. It is a film devoid of an inciting action, to the point that it leads to thoughts about when the film will begin only to see the end credits pop up on the screen. This may sound like a lukewarm endorsement, but it is truly anything but. In creating this feeling, Walsh captures the simple beauty of her subject’s work. It is not grand or extraordinary. It is not expressionistic or loaded with symbolism. It is a film about life, the flow of life, and living it through all turmoil faced. Maud never stops smiling and neither does the film, showing the slow and simple harmonic flow of her world and life itself. It is in this essence that Maud and the film’s seemingly unassuming approach that they become artistic achievements. By slowing down and watching the world through Maud’s eyes, one can see the entire world captured in a simple image of flowers and her husband chopping wood. It seems innocuous and unimportant, but each moment adds up to one’s entire life experience. Both her artwork and the film bring this to the surface and become oddly moving films in that regard.

Given Maud’s rough life, it is only natural that Maudie would play out as a tearjerker. With a child taken from her at birth by her family and a rough home life with a family that never got she was not a “cripple”, Maud lived a truly harsh life. Though she loved her husband Everett, he is hardly a good man. Prone to fits of anger in which he would occasionally slap Maud or compare her unfavorably to any number of things in his life, Everett is a bad man. Yet, in spite of an attempted rape, she marries him anyways. Why? Well, I guess he was not always a cruel man, but I guess you would have to ask her that question. For her part, Aisling Walsh never sugarcoats Everett’s major shortcomings as a human being painting him as a cruel, juvenile, and intensely jealous man who tore her down to make himself feel better. When she begins to gain fame, things only get worse for her as he feels even more threatened, though now as breadwinner. Yet, Walsh still manages to elicit romance from this film in the simple moments. Whether it is Everett pushing Maud in a wheelbarrow with the sun setting behind them or him rushing her to the hospital at the drop of a hat, the two have an understanding. Very few will accept Maud’s disability. Very few will accept Everett’s aggression. The two, oddly enough, are all the other has and will ever have. Thus, they make it work and, in moments, it hurts but in others, their romance truly sings. By the end of the film, it somewhat settles into this simple beauty that, along with the rest of the picture, plays perfectly into the hands of Walsh.

Able to take Maud’s simple and pure life at face value, Walsh can elicit tears without trying at all. She simply presents her life through her experiences and the tears come naturally. There is never a moment where the film feels manipulative or overly cinematic in expressing its emotions, both of which would have really been felt and hampered the final product. Instead, as in its romance and in its depiction of the world lived in by Maud, Maudie is a film that finds the tears and moving moments in everyday actions. Thus, it is only natural that the film approaches its plotting in a very similar fashion. Any biopic must argue why its subject is notable. If it does not, why am I watching the film? So, this woman paints, but what is the story here? If the film has any inciting action in that regard, it comes when New Yorker Sandra (Kari Matchett), who sounds like a combination of Katharine Hepburn and Cate Blanchett, arrives to tell Maud that Everett forgot to deliver the fish she ordered. Seeing her paintings and postcards, Sandra buys some and then commissions a painting for her to be sent to New York. Getting the ball rolling, she soon sells one to Nixon and then appears on television. Aside from television, however, these moments come with little fanfare. Sandra buying one just seemed second nature. Nixon ordering one seemed so matter-of-fact. The film’s reserved nature in these areas may be a bit problematic, but it perfectly captures Maud’s demeanor and stance towards life. There are some ebbs and flows, but she never gets too high or down. She just loves painting and is pleased that people enjoy her work. There is no intent to sell them and, as a result, no struggle. She is just steady at all times, never has to hustle, and these things just sort of happen to her very naturally. There is, as with the rest of the film, no incredibly cinematic moment where she makes it big. She just does and moves on. It is simple, reserved, and somehow beautiful in a truly uncinematic fashion. It just feels real and authentic.

At the heart of this film, however, is the acting. In the role of Maud’s wife, Ethan Hawke is reliably strong turning in a performance with strong range. Playing her jerk of a husband who turns into her doting supporter by the end, Hawke is tasked with making Everett somehow likable. He, against great odds, does so in spurts. At the very least, he shows him to be a truly nuanced man who refuses to be defined by any one action. Despite his flaws and behavior towards Maud at times, he loves her. While she should not accept any abuse from him as she initially does, he nonetheless becomes quite doting and loving as they grow old with one another and becomes a man truly worthy of Maud in the end. Hawke does a wonderful job capturing this difficult nuance, even if he is entirely outshined by Sally Hawkins. Never exploitative or cruel in her portrayal of Maud, Hawkins plays the role with great empathy and compassion. Adorable and cute with her jest and wit, but committed and impassioned when it comes to her art, Hawkins makes this simple and quaint woman from Nova Scotia feel like so much more. She does not feel like a woman from a small town, but instead she is turned to a towering figure of positivity, warmth, and human kindness. Hawkins’ take on Maud is one that does not require empathy or beg anybody to feel sorry for her. What is there to feel sorry for? She is a true beam of light and Hawkins radiates in the role as this marvelously talented woman who just lived her life without demanding the spotlight. She had very little, but she wanted no more than she was given. How could somebody not love a person who is so pure of heart?

A quaint and reserved biopic, Aisling Walsh’s Maudie may be a bit too much of both for many – and it does hold it back from greatness – but is nonetheless a truly poetic experience. Paced in accordance with the flow of everyday life, Maudie is slow and contemplative with humor and pathos sprinkled thoroughly throughout. Featuring an excellent performance from Sally Hawkins in the leading role, Maudie further establishes Hawkins as a terrific under-the-radar actress who deserves far more recognition than she presently receives. Probably the most well-known film from director Aisling Walsh, Maudie is a film that celebrates the views of its central figure: everything, even the most mundane or cruel, has some hidden beauty just waiting to be unleashed.

[mybestmalesextoys]

Revulotionary Fleshlight Launch Electric Hands Free Masturbator

Back in 2013 when the Kiiroo brand was first introduced to the market, most people thought it would end up being one of those no-name manufacturers whose boxes line the dusty shelves of local sex toy shops. As it turns out, the skeptics were wrong. Not only did Kiiroo become super popular among several demographics, but now they have joined forced with one of the most well-known brands in the industry: Fleshlight.

As you may or may not know, Fleshlight is the number-one selling brand in the world. They got that way by offering stellar products that could rock the socks off any damn near anybody. Now, the sexually seductive supremacy of Fleshlight has been combined with the technological prowess of Kiiroo to produce what some people are calling the end-all-be-all of personal gratification.

Behold the new Fleshlight Launch powered by Kiiroo. This enormous sex toy represents years of study and research to develop a one-of-a-kind experience for everyone involved. In fact, it has so many features that some users have complained about it being difficult to use. Of course, we think opinions like that are to be expected when a revolutionary product hits the market. In other words, there are bound to be some people who just don’t get it.

Fortunately, our expertise in this industry makes it difficult for us to turn away from something so technologically advanced as the Fleshlight/Kiiroo Launch monstrosity. Yes, it is quite large compared to other toys on the market, having been described by one of our teammates as “the sexiest handheld vacuum cleaner I have ever seen.” We can’t say we disagree, although after using the thing, we did find that the dimensions were justified.

Whether or not you end up having the same opinion as us is really none of our concern. We believe that education is what matters most, not point-of-view. With that said, we will try our hardest to describe this new-fangled beast the best we can.

What Is the Fleshlight Launch Powered by Kiiroo?

It’s not all the time we get to check out the newest inventions, so our team was careful to take tedious notes on this one. The union of Fleshlight and Kiiroo is executed flawlessly in the Launch – a spectacular invention that provides an automatic thrill ride for your penis. It is designed to stimulate a man (and/or his voyeuristic partner) in a hands-free way that can be manipulated using various controls. While that sounds very simple, the Launch is actually very high tech.

This massive dick dock offers a fully automated blowjob, but that’s not what makes it tech-savvy. The cool part is this: it can be connected on an online database which contains literally hundreds of VR and POV porn content files. Apparently, virtual reality, hands-free, mechanical blowjobs are no longer a thing of futuristically perverted dreams. The future is now.

We weren’t sure what was more up-to-date and relevant: the toy or the online content available. It seemed like they both worked seamlessly in tandem with one another, providing a sensational sexual experience that required little more than lube. All the bells and whistles of the Launch impressed us, each of which were nicely tucked away in a sleek, masculine casing that was ergonomically shaped.

Furthermore, the online content was chalk full of entertaining games, videos, and pre-recorded or live webcam sessions that can keep anyone busy and busting at the seams for hours. All you need is a way to create a secure Bluetooth connection and you’re good to go after you download the apps and register. See? Technology doesn’t have to be scary.

The Basic Features

Perhaps our favorite feature of the Launch is the fully customizable property of it. Unlike other automatic blowjob machines, this bad boy allows you to choose which Fleshlight to put inside. So, if you’re an owner of several standard-sized Fleshlight masturbators, you can pop each one of them into the Launch and have at it. This toy is also compatible with the Kiiroo Onyx and Pearl as well, so the possibilities are virtually endless.

Being as the Fleshlight brand is known for having numerous SuperSkin sleeves that are fashioned after a famous porn star’s vagina or asshole, it’s possible to link up to the online content on FeelMe.com and have a VR fuck-a-thon with your favorite girls using fake pussies that feel just like the real thing. It’s pretty much the closest any of us will ever get to touching these women, and it doesn’t even require an internet connection.

For a little over $200, you get the Launch case (Fleshlight, Onyx, or Pearl inserts not included of course – that’s where you get to have some fun.) It features two settings: Manual and Interactive. Obviously, the manual setting is the one that needs no internet assistance. The Launch will still move the inserted masturbator up and down on your penis until you say stop; all you need is some imagination in place of the porn content and voila.

The Fleshlight Launch powered by Kiiroo is a pretty big deal, literally. Measuring a total of 12.75 inches, this foot-long fun stick is designed to help users quickly and easily program or manipulate the settings which control the stroke and speed dynamics. In other words, you can place it on your penis and enjoy the ride without ever spilling your beer.

What You Get for the Money

We understand that spending $200 on an internet-ready machine that gyrates a fake pussy inside is quite an investment, especially considering the actual fake pussy isn’t even included. So, to make you feel a little better, the manufacturers have thrown the following items in the box (which, by the way, is kind of unimpressive):

The Fleshlight Launch

An Authenticity card (to activate the included 1-year limited warranty)

A set-up manual to get started with the online content databases

An instructional manual for basic operations

A universal USB charging cable

Routine software updates for free

We were definitely surprised to learn that neither Fleshlight nor Kiiroo thought to include any toy cleaner or lube with the Launch, but we just assumed that was because those items come with the masturbator anyway. Regardless, it would have been nice to get something – say, a coupon for an Onyx, Pearl, or Fleshlight? Maybe we are just getting our hopes up.

Our Experience

We wanted to keep this part as simple as possible, but the more we tried to pin down a perfect description of our experience the more we fell short of our expectations. After all, it’s difficult to describe something that can be used in dozens of different ways. Overall, we’d say using the Launch is about as close as anyone is going to get to a full-on blowjob with no strings attached. No seriously, this thing is wireless too.

It’s also tough to compare the Launch to something similar because there’s nothing like it on the market today. It’s one of those things that adventurous people get to experience first, while the skeptics get the sloppy seconds when the initial excitement wears off. We’re just glad we got to be a part of the first group – sitting back and relaxing while this new invention juices our dicks like a bunch of Florida oranges.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

As the most technologically advanced sex toy in the biz, the Fleshlight Launch powered by Kiiroo offers software that is compatible with Mac and PC (with Windows 7 or 10). It’s also able to sync to most smart devices and has an impressive range. Such a high-tech product might remind of a rocket from the space program, but the Launch is (and looks) a whole lot cooler than that.

APPEARANCE

Surprisingly, the 12.76-inch Launch is nice and sleek with a well-manicured look to it. It operates quietly and does not move except for inside the internal cavity where the Fleshlight, Onyx, or Pearl sits. From the outside, it looks like you just have a handheld vacuum resting on your lap, but we know your secret. (Don’t worry; it’s safe with us.)

PROS

Safety First – It features nothing but body-safe materials which contain no latex or phthalates.

Compatible – The device can be used with all new or old Fleshlight toys, the Onyx, or the Pearl, and it can also be linked with most modern VR goggles to be used on the FeelMe.com website.

Lightweight – For as big as it is, the Launch doesn’t weigh much at all (only about 2 pounds or so).

Rechargeable – The battery can be recharged numerous times before needing to be replaced.

Easy Cleaning – Designed to drain easily, and made to release the used Fleshlight without splashing organic material, the Launch is super easy to clean even without the brand name renewal powder or FleshWash.

Connectedness – The teledildonic technology lets you enjoy real-time play with people far away.

Speed and Efficacy – With a max speed of 180 strokes per minute, you’re bound to finish satisfied every time.

Quick Release – If things get too hot and heavy, simply click the power button real quick for a fast shut off.

CONS

Some Assembly Required – Yes, the Launch comes fully intact, but it will be useless to you unless you know how to install the Fleshlight, Onyx, or Pearl inside.

Long Initial Charge Time – At first, the Launch needs to be charged for at least 6 to 9 hours before it can be used. Ouch! Luckily, that charge time shortens the more you use it.

No Moisture Allowed – The Launch cannot come in contact with any sort of water, vapor, or moisture, including the kind your body produces naturally.

Cumbersome and Hard to Hide – Due to the above-average size of the Launch, and the lack of proper storage containers, it’s difficult to hide this thing once you open it.

Hot to the Touch – After being used for a while, the Launch gets hot so watch out.

Updates Needed Often – High-tech devices require high-tech software that must be debugged and updated occasionally. The Launch is no exception.

Technical Difficulties – One time, the red light (meaning: Bluetooth malfunction) on the LED indicator popped on and we had to restart the entire contraption to get it to work properly again.

Fortunately, the PROS outweighed the CONS by a wide margin. Even with its relatively common tech fouls, the Launch is still outperforming everything else on the market so far. We won’t say it’s perfect the way it is because we want to experience the new and improved versions in the future. Yes, we’re already thinking that far ahead (because we’re gluttons and that’s our job). You, on the other hand, might want to start saving money before the demand outranks the supply.

We Like to Get the Last Word

We consider it a great honor to test out these sex toys on your behalf. With that comes the responsibility to render a truthful and honest opinion about each product. It is never our intention to falsely describe anything we review, and we always try to stay objective. However, having never seen anything quite like the Fleshlight Launch by Kiiroo, it’s difficult for us to say exactly how we feel without getting flagrant in our description.

As the latest and greatest in interactive porn, the Launch is certainly in a class all its own. Our team enthusiastically gives it the highest marks, despite its relatively high price tag and somewhat difficult set-up process. With an easy-to-use interface and plenty of user-friendly options, it’s clear to see why this high-tech toy is the star of the show for both the Fleshlight and Kiiroo brands, who, by the way, have recently been discussing other product collaborations slated for development in the future.

In spite of its few design flaws and minor mechanical upsets, the Fleshlight Launch powered by Kiiroo is definitely something to behold. In fact, we would highly recommend it to the men with mobility problems, erectile dysfunction, and/or anyone who wants to add a little more gluttony to his sexual experience.

from My Best Male Sex Toys http://www.mybestmalesextoys.com/male-masturbators/fleshlight-launch-blowjob-machine/

[thisisablogformyfeelings]

Final thoughts of a neurotic ruminator by Alex

(also possibly borderline or avoidant)

I've done what my family has likely been dreading for a number of years, I'm sorry.

This letter is addressed to everybody I have ever known, and even those I haven't if you're curious.

Pre-preface - To my family

First of all: Mum and Kristy, that pain, anger, grief, whatever it is you're feeling. Please postpone that pain for now and read. Listen to what I have to say that was able to begin saying in person but could never bring myself to finish. I'm sorry to do this to you and so so sorry for Gabby I regret coming back home for the sole reason of how much I feel this might affect all of you more than if I hadn't, I know you won't ever believe me but beyond a certain point this was inevitable. Trust in my knowledge of myself, please.

Please cry as little as possible for me, I hate that I have to write so little for you and so much for the clutter in my mind. I have been guilty of this my entire life and, what I was never able to describe to you and I think and hope you may understand now, especially you Mum, just that one thing I could never quite get across to you. Why was I always struggling to be as considerate and curious and passionate in my actions as I claim to be in my thoughts? Everything you're about to read is why.

Sorry for everything, I love you all.

Everybody else, more distant people in my family that I have such a great disconnection with now more than ever, I'm sorry to you too, for what it's worth. I resent that our family is or was so dysfunctional. Kristy, you need to sort your shit out and stop getting on the defensive whenever you're told something is wrong. Whether you agree or not isn't the point, you need to take time to look in yourself and see what Mum has done for us. Forget that we're family and think of what would happen if such conflicts happened between you and a friend, you would send them packing their bags of course. You don't do this with Mum because we all love each other, you know that she'll always be there for you and if you want to continue that you have to be there for her too. Please, I'm begging honestly. Learn conflict resolution and consideration. Realise that there's no need to respond to things in a spiteful way because things are never initiated in a spiteful way. Unless you're a truly awful person then spitefulness only ever comes from misunderstanding.

Auntie Tracey, Kiayl, Katie, Auntie Rachel, Jon, Steve, everyone that I haven't seen for so many years as a direct result of suffering, confusion and failure. I love you and I remember the good times we had. I remember sleeping near the ceiling at Auntie Tracey's, I remember eating Auntie Rachel's homemade jam tarts, playing on the trampoline and swings at Steve and Lin's, I even remember Steve driving my curiosity by showing me Bill Bryson's A Short History Of Nearly Everything which, unfortunately, I never finished but absolutely loved choosing random chapters to read through. I remember Kiayl throwing down his amazingly molded “sandwich dregs” from the balcony in Spain. I, by far, remember all the good times I had with you more than any “bad”. I love you all. I wish you could all find a way to love each other...

Please god whatever you do, do not insult me and my existence by letting yourselves be overcome with survivors guilt. I'm very sorry that you won't be able to understand my decision no matter how much I write about it. The simplest of reasons is that I'm just not compatible, I've tried and tried and now some parts of me are broken beyond repair. I love you all and that's all that matters.

It's quite possible that if you tried hard you could attribute any actions as a causal factor to me taking this steps, but on the same hand you could ignore all of those and simply blame me for refusing to stop making mistakes and allowing my mental state to deteriorate even more, for years consecutively. In the same way that you could argue the butterfly effect, you might cherry pick any “negative event” from my past and choose that as the absolute cause and point of no return, but everything before and after that, positive or negative, would have to be treated in the same and equal measure. So please, remember this and do not blame anybody other than the person who took this action.. me.

Preface

Please forgive me for this is going to be a whole lot of inane self centered self pitying ego boosting crap and also a whole lot of narrow minded projection about the world around me. I don't mean this to be a statement on anybody around me other than the violent, manipulative and abusive people I've had to deal with during my time away from home.

Also forgive me for seeming neutral or unemotional in this writing, I'm writing this with a purpose and because of the time I've spent considering this I think I'm able to do it with a bit of decorum. I will use my words to describe my thoughts and emotions as accurately as possible. I can't possibly convey the physical feelings, the wretching and crying as I came to terms with this decision, the empty fake happiness combined with random outbursts of tears while I'm alone after coming to terms with it. I'm very sorry. I'm not really sorry to the world around me I'm sorry to say (phew), I don't think I owe it anything. I'm maybe sorry to those few friends who still really clearly care about me after everything, after all the ridiculous impulsive, self destructive behavior that really just "isn't me" that they put up with for years on end, consistently. I have always been exactly the sort of person I would avoid and be afraid to engage with yet others gave me the time of day and I thank you all so fucking much for that.

L........, or H...... I'll say this one time, I don't know how to pronounce your name and I never referred to you as it but god I love you so much, for you I truly am sorry that it came to this. You extended a greater offer than most would even dream about, after the torrent of abuse I put you through, you still came through and forgave me and got over your worries to stay with me and support me. Yet I still let you down. Although it's painful to recall specifics of how I ruined friendships and I only realised recently that I have done it consistently from long before I was "ill" or touched drugs or anything like that, I will do my best to explain everything I can. It feels that, although I wasn't aware for a long time, every time I broke a friendship and lost a connection with an area that pain become compounded with all the other friendships and places I had already lost. I remember many of these things intimately even now. The three weeks I spent in Hereford in 2012 right before I became impulsive and landed myself in hospital for the first time. Those weeks were extremely adventurous and exciting, I'm not sure what I was thinking and most of all I regret wasting my good friends during those weeks as I abruptly ended our relationship for no real reason from hospital. You would think I'd learn from this mistake, or that it was simply a result of the stressful circumstances, well I continued to do the same with every friend I ever made and only the really persistent ones stayed by me. I can't fix the impression I left on those people or myself, I desire to do the right thing and leave the world.

For those who don't already know, I'm a 23 year old unemployed person living in a rural area in England. I no longer do much with my days but I'm still well involved with my family. I'll probably write in greater detail on the things I've done up until now in this note. I wanted to start off by saying yes, this is my suicide note, and the reason it's so long is because I was inspired to write something lengthy by something a friend said to me. I realised that I've wanted a creative output of some kind for so long, I'm not an artist, I'm not a musician, I'm not really anything, but I've dreamed of creating something for a long time. Every time I have created something in the past it has subsequently been destroyed. During my first hospitalisation in 2012, the YMCA in Grimsby heartlessly threw out all of my belongings as I had no way to have them collected. This included things extremely sentimental to me such as the childhood teddy of my auntie who died when I was age 4 and items from penpals over the years that I held dear to me. Even non-posessions... friendships, homes, education and work, every one of these things has been destroyed for me. I've been wondering what this urge was that I needed to satisfy, and I realised it when the "something" that my friend told me was praise on the way I articulate my thoughts, I never thought that that in itself could be some kind of ability. I don't have much confidence in it and it is a little bit frightening to allow anybody into my head in this manner, I don't think it serves as much more than a release for me and some kind of deeper insight for people who knew me. This is the last true creation I'm going to leave behind, it's the only thing I'm barely able to do anymore.

I'm putting an end to the trainwreck that is myself. I may self deprecate a lot, but I can look at myself from a more external point of view and consider it a bit more objectively, so please don't misunderstand. I can see minor positive traits in myself heavily outweighed by other traits that have consistently held me back.

I've always been an interested and curious person, as the years went on these interests and passions have actually only grown surprisingly. Professionals have pointed out that certain drug usage can kill motivation and interest but it was always imulsivity that ruined me more than anything, I could never keep anything up for a long time or consistently. but really, I genuinely believe my interests have branched and expanded even since I dropped out of college and lived my life until I hit a point where my interests encompassed everything. I can't think of a topic that I wouldn't be interest to study and learn about. This makes the world a very overwhelming place, knowing that due to my circumstances and I understand how I work pretty well, I could barely become a "master" of one of these interests, let alone every single one. I could never do all the things in my life that I dream of doing, I wasn't ever able to dedicate myself to one thing because of this, I never knew what I wanted but I think a part of me always knew that I wasn't going to figure it out.

I love life more than any other suicidal person I've ever spoken with, especially if you only consider those who choose suicide due to mental illness and not some other physical condition. I consider that my choice to abandon my life and myself is down to a combination of emotional and mental "issues", my likely immature philosophical view of the world and my general beliefs on anything spiritual and metaphysical. I'm led to this decision after considering what life I might live and especially what might happen after I die, whether that be now, in 20 years time, or in 50 years time.

I've never really changed my view about the beauty in the world and my passion for certain subjects and even towards the end of my life I've learned to be passionate about many things. I'm simply in awe at the sheer absurdity of everything. I can't beging to comprehend it and it's one thing that makes me feel so incredibly insignificant and for me it justifies suicide in most situations. Contrasting with the views of many people who arrive at this point, I think reality and nature are far more incredibly than simply life alone, I don't really require any spiritual or religious beliefs to be in awe at the universe. One thing that bugs me is that I can never fully understand how the fabric of the universe works, what really happened before the universe? Considering what is really the real physical reality for such astronomical questions are the most interesting thoughts I've ever had. However, even if I did know, there would be a time where I would stop knowing and so would all other conscious beings. Despite all this, I admire and appreciate the people who want to and are able to live a full and happy life. Maybe there is a spectrum of acceptance, those who know the true meaninglessness and embrace the liberation it brings, those who hold onto some vague idea of an afterlife or something like it for some comfort in an absurd world, and so on. I still believe there can be true beauty and altruism in the human world but it's less common that I thought. There really is objectively much more suffering than I ever realised. I think the sheer visual beauty, awe inspiring vastness of the beautiful things out there in the world are incredible and while a part of me is sad that I can never experience them, thanks to modern technology I've already had a pretty good view of everything I'm missing out on. I never really lost my sense of humour and I can totally understand why people choose to live and not to live. I understand that many people live an acceptably mediocre life and actually find a lot of value in that, but it's not infeasible that not everybody isn't compatible. I only wish I didn't have to feel like I was comitting a great sin, no matter how much I tell myself that I have the right to die, the greatest effect any kind of stigma and judgement has ever had on me was to force me to internalise everything rather than vocalise it, I'm sorry to say. I spent a lot of time in my last few months singing and dancing with a sense of impending melancholy, being an idiot while babysitting my niece, letting out my inner child as much as possible and enjoying the tiniest of things. I think I've lived good enough.

I think this note satisfies my urge for a few important things: to be listened to, to have some creative output, for that something to be significant or maybe helpful for my family to come to terms with some kind of feelings.

My final wishes

I considered sticking this at the end but for fear of it being lost in this mess I'll start with it. First I'd like my resting place, whether cremated or buried, to be a place where my cats can be laid too. Considering my materialistic and non-spiritual views it is likely one of my most irrational desires but it means a lot to me. I want so bad to be with my babies forever.

I am not concerned with my material posessions, please do whatever you like with them.

I'm less concerned with any type of ceremony that may happen after I'm gone, but if there happens to be anything of the sort I'd love for some classical pieces of music to be played. I considered this for a long time, considered all types of music and songs that I thought reflect my feelings well or just meant a lot to me. I decided now that classical music allows people to reflect any appropriate feelings within a person without leaving anybody (listeners) left out. Thanks mum for helping me realise this. By no means do I know a lot about classical, far less than I wish I did, so I'll go ahead and request that, if any music is ever to be played, it be one of these famous pieces that I love, and I also give these to you as my final musical expression:  Chopin - Nocturne op.9 No.2 and Debussy - Clair de lune or maybe even Erik Satie - Once Upon A Time In Paris for my goodbye, I would adore Howl's Moving Castle soundtrack/theme or the celestial beings procession music from  for any sort of "celebration" or wake etc. Classical music allows me to appreciate the contrasting beauty of the world around me and human expression against the ugly selfishness that rears inside all of us and the true objective futility of life. Another that I love and would appreciate being played for me would be Gabriel Fauré - Pavane, Op. 50. One more, since I can't help myself, Erik Satie - Once Upon A Time In Paris is a lovely piece.

Most importantly, please just read this letter. Disregard the fact that my writing is atrocious and repetitive. Please accept that this is the best way I can be true to myself and explain as best I can, all I ask is that anybody who was affected by me read this.

Why? The right to die etc

Taking into account my existential opinions and my feelings towards death, the possible outcomes I can see for my future and the flaws in my life that I just have to live with. I have known and thought about suicide for over a decade but only the past couple of years have I considered it a serious option, besides a few "blips" in the past. I was always fed the usual platitudes and ever since I was a young child I've seen some sort of psych or therapist intermittently with large periods of no care at all, this was ultimately my own fault as I could never keep up with appointments. However, after long deliberation I believe I can firmly make the decision with my own autonomy to end my life. It is my right and I am taking back ultimate control and agency of my life. We are all born with nothing but our bodies and it makes perfect sense that it is the one thing that, no matter what, we must always be able to control. While it's probably true that I developed these beliefs due to the mental and social instability, it's also true that these beliefs are now a deep part of me. Whether I am to die now or some other time, I know that I will certainly die by my own hand and I've known it for a very long time. Please do not attempt to invalidate my beliefs or feelings by attempting to claim one was influenced by the other. Even if this is the case, my feelings and my beliefs are exactly that. If you were to invalidate any of them then what do you propose goes in their place? You can't replace a part of me with something you find comforting for the sake of it.

The process that brought me to this final decision, however, was a very long and gradual one, brought on by a direct result of the way I reacted to my life at certain stages, possibly childhood and genetic factors, and effects of the constant factors present between all of the major stages of my life. In hindsight I think at a young age something wasn't quite right with me, it's harder for me to think back at ages <10 years old and think how specific situations affected my development as I do not remember my thought processes during those times, but I can make educated guesses based on the person I am today and what I know about my past. I didn't really know it at the time but there were a lot of things that I didn't really like about my childhood, my mum and sister are amazing people and I love them to pieces, but I still feel that I didn't enjoy the majority of my childhood. There are some memories I remember fondly, holidays and things, but in between was just grey most of the time. I'm finding it hard not to just tell my whole life story here as I feel every little thing accumulated for me to reach this point and not any one of them could pinpoint the path leading me to this decision. Even if am event could be identified that had affected a significant portion of my life, such as dropping out of college, there were always other external and internal factors at play that would have led me here. I fear one part of my decision or thinking might be plucked from this letter and attributed as the true reason for my suicide. I'm leaving this in good faith that won't happen. I am, simply put, the result of a very unfortunate combination of circumstances and events. I wish so badly I could consolidate this feelings and reasoning into one concise all-encompassing statement but it's impossible for me to do. Some of the more material aspects of my life are likely solvable or able to be minimised with time but others are impossible to remedy. The ones that are possible to remedy would take me decades to start living even a fraction of the life I ever reamed of or to reach a place that I should already have been in right now had I not dropped out and taken to drugs, impulsive behavior and deviancy. What I will say is that the things I'm stating in this letter are not my reasons. They are simply an insight into how I might have developed into the person I am today. From an emotional perspective, I'm tired. Very tired and I don't want to reconfigure myself with medication, numb myself or unlearn things that I know now. I refuse to respond to or access treatment at this stage, at risk of sounding melodramatic, I can't live with what I've seen. I understand clearly that life is a rollercoaster but when things are looking up I can never see the steep decline coming on the other side. I would much prefer a neutral non-existance than a wildly and tiringly exciting life in which I never know what to expect. I want to go to sleep very comfortably one last time, and continue that sleep forever into eternity. I'm sorry for choosing to leave early but again, please don't be sad, death is not a bad thing. Nothing of value hasn't been lost that wouldn't have anyway been lost at some point in the future. Not a single thing lasts forever, no impression or mark, therefore it's okay for me to have made this decision.

One thing I resent is whenever I read suicide, mental illness, suffering, etc literature with clearly pro-life and optimistic attitudes it only ever seems to be from the perspective of a...  developed country is maybe the best way I can put it. With the idea that suffering is transient and if you just hang in there everything will be okay and such other platitudes. If people would discuss mental health and suicide in a realistic way, from pop cultures about teen suicide being wildly innaccurate to optimistic generic literature that helps nobody by except teaching neurotypicals how to patronise depressed people with platitudes, I think that would probably make for some important discourse and perspective changing discussions. Having a sense of trust with someone who you can share your problems with intricately and be helped, this is what really matters, in my opinion at least for me.

I understand that people may not agree with this, using the right to die argument, you might say it's not applicable because I'm mentally ill, I'll come to this later.

Something that I've only recently forgiven myself for and tried to tell myself that I was just a victim of circumstance, I made certain choices of course but my choices must always have been linked to the past and therefore been accumulative. Because I found it hard to focus on one hobby or interest I never really developed a long lasting passion. When I went up to college I went in the direction of generic maths/electronics and well that didn't really work out. The past few years I've even lost my most of my passion for technology and "the nerdy stuff" as you probably realise. By dropping out of college and getting hospitalised, my life took a turn that I never expected, the drugs that I abused in subsequent years must have affected me to some degree too but all of my drug use was more of a response to rather than a cause of my suicidal tendencies. I think leaving college is the closest to an event, if anything, that could be pinpointed as the biggest change that lead me here. Immediately my vastly varying dreams of being anything I wanted came and crushed me into reality. I entered a world of real dread that I never knew and the same as back then, even now, I just can't accept being complacent. I can't just back down and say "well, it's not what I wanted genbut it'll do" even though I know that's exactly what I'm expected to do.

I've always explicitly told myself that I will give myself the room to "back out" if I felt it necessary, and refused to truly put any shame on myself for deciding I wasn't ready. I always wanted to make this decision correctly. I believe my mental disorder(s) are partially a cause for these feelings of course, but also partially a contributing factor for me still wanting to commit the act for sure. It's just another thing holding me back from living the life I dreamed of which never existed. One important thing I'd like to say that even if I were given the option to live my life again from the beginning but retaining all knowledge I have now, I would still choose to die, and I think this is an important part of my decision. I've developed a strong opinion that mental health issues can be a contributor to a rational suicide while not being enough of an affective factor to make such a suicide irrational. Of course, I'm biased on the topic but this is something I just feel is correct. A whole other question I ponder but won't explore too much is, "How mentally ill does a person need to be before they lose the ability to choose suicide rationally?".

Bioethicist Jacob Appel has criticized "arbitrary" ethical systems that allow patients to refuse care when they are physically ill, while denying the mentally ill the right to suicide. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophy_of_suicide

Yes, why must a person who suffers from mental illness be forced to live at all costs, even if the evidence points strongly to a continuing and extended period of physical or mental suffering?

Me, me, me

I've always been well aware that I have a degree of mental differences to most people, and that awareness grew stronger as I got older, and I suppose fueled a more real isolation for me too. I hate myself for all the times I reached out for help and got given it in buckets and yet I still consistently broke things. I never intended to be that way, I thought I would make a change and make some progress but I only ever leeched what I could, made myself comfortable for a little while, and then moved on to the next sucker.

Over the years I suppose I managed to internalise a great deal of what seemed like just intermittent negative thoughts, self views in terms of my mental and physical identity. It's something I tried to stop analysing so much as it never did me any good. I view it as just another thing that I wasn't very good at, having correct thoughts. It means very little now, the negative way I feel about my appearance and personality overall, as I won't have to live with it for long, but this is one thing I can't truly describe and if only I could let someone be inside my head and understand, I don't think I would need to detail my entire explanation in this letter if that were possible.

The more superficial parts of my reasoning: I don't desire to work for a decade attempting to earn back 4 years of time during vital brain development stages and hoping to reach a level that comes anywhere close to what I was led to believe my "potential" was. I don't think it should be required to earn the right to, at the very least, a comfortable life in a beautiful area with few troubles or worries but this certainly seems to be the case. It's almost like I have a case of existential laziness.

Through my experiences of death as I was growing up and the way it was presented to me as almost a positive thing every time (it's not sad because x is going to heaven, it's not sad because y is going to sleep forever, it's not sad because one day we'll all be together again) I think I developed much more of a neutral view towards death and therefore suicide too.

I hate the platitude that goes something like "Don't kill yourself because _____" and paints the hypothetical details of people when they find out you've killed yourself. Implying if I'm serious I haven't already been guilting and obsessing over this for a long time already? I have spent long days excruciatingly torturing myself over the situations that might occur after my death. I've vividly imagined how different members of my family might react immediately upon learning the news and in the following days, months, years. I've considered it so much that I've sobbed because there's no way I want to cause that pain to another person much less my flesh and blood and yet I still feel compelled to end it.

My most recent hospitalisation was just a week long, a year and a half ago. The week preceeding my 22nd birthday. I shan't speak about that too much here as I made a whole separate writeup for that experience, I had been under the influence of a large benzo overdose during my first days in that hospital so I was certainly struggling but I was also very well aware of what was going on around me, even during the effect of the benzos I never "blacked out" so to speak, I scrawled half of a letter on paper and then remember taking myself to bed. Hospital on the NHS was abusive and neglectful, I kept a handwritten diary so I can verify most everything in the writeup and even missed out some important and disgusting events and names of staff just because I'm not able to recall them absolutely clearly. PLEASE if nothing else, launch another investigation on this hospital based on what I've written, don't warn them, check the things that I have spoken about specifically, bug the hospital to measure the sound levels in the rooms near the staff room and down the bedroom corridors if necessary. It's a dangerous environment for mentally ill people to be in. See: https://pastebin.com/bm5Et0xW for the full account

Tech

Ironically, considering the subject of this section, this letter is the last thing I'm using my computer for and it will be posted online for all to see. I've never done a lot of reading on the affects of modern communication technology, television and the internet. So bare with me if I state anything obviously incorrect.

I'm terrified to see my little niece grow up in this age, I love her to absolute pieces but I'm not sure how I would handle seeing her sucked into social media shit after my own experiences. Even now, I try to be the absolute most fun uncle I possibly can but if the televeision on she finds it impossible to even glance at me. I could be jumping around the room, squawking pretending to be a giant bird and she won't bat an eyelid, it's downright scary to me because of how consistent it is. I got humiliated the one time I ever tried talking about instant gratification and never tried talking about it again but the way we expect things to just work. I've seen many examples of people of all ages getting irrationally frustrated when technology isn't working as it is intended. Just projecting from my point of view, it's concerning not understand how far this might spread and if it could be having a real negative effect on people.

Don't get me wrong, I don't claim that the advent of digital technology and communication is to blame for all the terrible things in the world. I understand that many of the issues we're facing today were just as bad decades or even centuries ago and being science lover I couldn't ever say that I'm for the destruction of modern technology. What I believe is simply that there are far more negative effects that the internet, social media, and increased levels of "connection" can have on an individual in different ways that it's hard to be aware of all of the risks. This is probably unavoidable however it seems many people don't want to be aware of some of the more common risks that apply to the majority. More recently since tablets and smartphones have been given to children at younger and younger ages and parental controls are getting lax, there are many innappropriate apps and videos on youtube and youtube kids app that appear to be directed at children yet have a more sinister undertone. See: http://reddit.com/r/Elsagate if you search far enough you find videos that can't possibly be explained by “algorithmic” due to the disturbing content. These disturbing images are being made with some kind of purpose, with extremely sinister or just as sinister as a “troll” online who wants to be edgy, it is just worrying. Another example being the “Call Monster Blaze” app released on google play store for children see: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/call-blaze-and-the-monster-machines-app-warning_uk_5a698c70e4b0dc592a0f5458 Forgive me for being dramatic, but where does this behaviour end?

Those who become obsessed with a specific type of social media, become far too invested in it emotionally. It's easy for people to downplay cyberbullying and manipulative behaviour online, everyone thinks being a troll is funny nowadays and if you get upset on the internet you're a sensitive baby. Mentally ill people just shouldn't go online is a view commonly expressed.

This is the thing I regret the most, some of the people who hurt me so much. I may not have known it at the time, but in hindsight I can very much differentiate between my real friends and the ones who really hurt and isolated me effectively, I feel like a part of me knew along the way too, but I preferred to feel as comfortable as possible and just “go with the flow”.

Video games, MMO, etc, I learned to live entirely in fantasies and so even when I refer to the possibilities in my real life, I find it hard to get back into reality. I dream of the most fantastical possible life I could live in reality, and I resent and refuse to live now I know that's impossible.

So many little things get me thinking, I remember carrying a candle upstairs on a saucer and thinking how calming the flickering shadow of the flame was and just feeling a little bit of sorrow about how my life was just a screen and drugs. and it was probably still a more exciting life than many that are going to be lived strictly by the law and society's standards. Lighting a candle inside nowadays is exciting, nobody ever feels the need anymore. We have ambient hue lighting (trademark!!!) and alexa so we can emulate everything comfortable about nature without actually experiencing it. I don't know.

People

Anyway, I can't attempt to comment on the state of society, I pretty much think that the increase in communication, population and human activity in general isn't so amazing when contrasted with all the shit going on in the world, and it's so hard to see any real solution. How do we stop rapists? How do we stop false rape allegations? When is somebody going to solve world hunger with all that money in their pockets? Are people really just going to accept the levels of despondancy and complacency modern technology brings to some people? How do you combat real gross organised crime happening on the darknet? Technology evolves really fast and I'm certainly curious about what the sudden explosion of anonymous free speech and expression is going to bring. Politics is a mess. Pyschiatry is a mess. My perception is just too narrow. I can certainly understand why people are the way they are and why they'll probably never change, it is much easier to be complacent with some things and focus on being a partially selfish person, it is much more comfortable and our morals don't actually make us feel too bad for doing that. It's easier to not worry about the problems a technology based society faces along with the innate suffering they're under due to being alive. It's much easier to just indulge and live as comfortably as you're able. I wish everyone who continues to live the absolute best of luck in figuring out this mess.

I had been experiencing dysphoric feelings around my gender for a long time and during this I had also been reading a lot of anti-man or misandrist content online from the communities I identified with. At first I thought it was harmless fun but then I quickly realised that any male who refuted these "jokes" with a statement along the lines of "not all men" is quickly berated and humiliated for wanting to defend himself and being so stupid that if he missed the point he must actually be like "all men". There are many people who appear to be what I'll term "radical misandrists", people who believe they're genuinely on the right side of hate due to historical wrongdoings and evidence. I think these people are missing the point, it's had a large effect on my ability to identify as anything at all because nobody is safe. Transgender people are almost universally hated in some communities, especially online. Men are also massively hated in communities were trans people are more accepted. What happens if you get stuck in a limbo between these two? - I pose this to you and suggest that SJWs sort their methods out. You're doing it fucking wrong, excuse my language.

I'm sorry to use the term SJW (social justice warrior) but I am going to continue to do it. I used to resent the term but I really have learned recently that no matter which side you're on, you must appeal to human nature if you want your completely valid and correct views to be heard. The fact of them being true, good or virtuous doesn't mean that people should listen to you at all costs and you have a right to forgo social customs. If you want to be heard, in fact, it's more important that you follow them. What I mean by this is that it seems many SJWs go out into the world with the conscious intent to "educate" people, some of these people may be emotional, even irrational when faced with opinions that don't match theirs. After experiencing this a few times they quickly build a hard exterior and subconsciously become ready to get offended by people who don't already have the knowledge the require to respect your opinon. A person who has never been exposed to the concept of transgender people will struggle at first, if you go into an interaction understanding this, and understand that they may be literally unable to be respectful as they're not quite aware of what is or isn't respectful yet, realise that "ignorant" may actually be extremely well intentioned and you'll get a lot further with these issues. Most of all you may stop hurting genuinely innocent people that you don't realise you are hurting. A great portion of people who support womens' rights seem to gradually adopt a misandrist mindset and I've seen this in many of my old friends who I've drifted away from. It really does make males afraid of identifying as proud males. Nobody should feel bad about being proud of themselves, it serves no purpose, even if you may think it's the "wake-up call that men require" and I feel many people (not just SJWs) get so "proud" of their own beliefs that they think it's totally reasonable to incite hatred against the other. If one group is being hateful and violent then I should respond with the same, right? It's only fair, right? Pride is great, but not pride to the point that you forget other people matter. I hope that shit gets old very fast.

From what I understand, many worthwhile discussions are never had because there is this overarching sense of hatred combined with absolute belief in your own ideas. There may well be some incels (google involuntary celibate, you will quickly see the original idea of this combined with the sick attitude it evolves into, lookism, "blackpill" etc) with something smart to say but unfortunately they're massively, I won't say outnumbered but.. outvocalised by the ones who literally incite violence, rape and assault against women. Incels like to play up their own issues and completely ignore the fact that women really are more likely to be attacked by men rather than vice versa, it's just how it is, it's not a competition and compassion on issues like this are the only way to make real progress in my opinion.

Both sides of this debate that have a loud voice seem to be full of shit to some degree and I find it hard to see how this shit will ever get resolved with people so far up their own asses. Then there are the sensible people somewhere in between who get shut down by hatred from both of these groups, if you don't support them fully then you don't deserve to hear their opinions put across in a mature way and you can't be a part of "the fight".

Being a biological machine

The human body is just amazing, as are all other living creatures. The conditions that arose to bring about life are amazing. I am in awe at what the slow natural processes of the universe can bring around. I think it's bizarre and mind blowing to think about how something came from nothing. Unfortunately this awe does not mean that I want to be a part of that system.

Something that I don't want to dwell on too much is the fact that I suffer from adrenal insufficiency, it feels this illness has been used as a tool to invalidate my feelings many times throughout my life and not just on the topic of ending it. Similarly I don't wish to talk about my experiences within psychiatric wards anymore, where I thought I did when I first started considering writing a note or letter. There are many people still alive and passionate who can fight for such an issue, the abuse and neglect that goes on in psych wards is so widespread that, as I mentioned, a big change needs to happen, possibly in the way the CQC investigations and the PALS work (re: UK mental health care) and it's no longer an issue I wish to tackle here.

I remember going through phases where I would think that eating is a chore, my metabolism is incredibly fast, food doesn't go down well, I get severely crippling hunger pains if I don't eat well every day. I recall thinking about how releasing waste in itself is, ahem, a pain in the ass. I feel very conscious and aware of any amount of pain, mild aches, jaw and back pains, the state of my teeth, and I feel my body is already crumbling at a relatively young age.

Disregarding the sensation and awareness of the body aging, another issue that affects me personally are the many “defects” I suffer from. Under the care of the NHS such defects are labelled “purely cosmetic” and therefore not treatable.  I hate knowing that the machinery and services are available to solve 99% of my cosmetic ailments but will be out of my reach for considerable time due to my past failures hurts me too much. I look in the mirror about once a month because of this. My teeth are crooked and I dreamt for years, since I was a teenager, of having braces to fix this but no matter how I put it across to the dentist I get told “you missed the boat on that one”.

I despise every part of my body in some way or another, even the sound of my voice being one of the biggest things. Every time I see my torso in the mirror I'm reminded of how horribly scarred I am by acne all over my shoulders, back, even down to my buttocks and legs. The treatment for cosmetic conditions like this is beyond expensive and if I were to focus my work on achieving them... well I would be solving about 30% of a problem and also wasting time that I could have spent living in a more productive way. Unfortunately I find it impossible to find a middle ground that I am comfortable with, I have tried for a long time.

90% of the life of a biological thing is about fending off pain and suffering by introducing the opposite things, but comfort is transient. Pain is default and constant if you choose to stagnate and I refuse to accept the fact that an “unfair life” is always a good one.

Friendship

Over the years I've had some really beautiful friendships with people but I think that, likely to due to an event in my formative years (same as with every other thing I'm talking about here) my expectations within a friendship became greatly skewed. It took me far too long to realise but my expectations from my friends were too high and I believe this is where my neurotic and impulsive behaviour started developing. I have realised that many people aren't as forgiving as I had wished, many people aren't as patient as I expected them to be, and I spent years questioning this. I used to blame the people who had left me for my suffering rather than looking into myself, I hated those people who knew I was suffering but preferred to live their "perfect lives" when really.. it's normal and natural. People distance themselves from "mental illness" and "failure" to protect themselves and their own success. I should've known and expected this fully, yet I continued, right up until the end of my life, to treat my friends as if they were therapists. I've always loved putting my thoughts down into words and attempting to make sense of myself, and I think many of my friends could never comprehend this either. There was a complete disconnection between my intentions and what my friends believe my intentions were.

I think a lot of people assumed I was attention seeking by talking repetitively and never changing for years, when all I've ever been trying to do was understand. What I'm doing, why am I doing, why am I the way I am, why am I so different? The way I thought to understand these things was by asking and relating to as many people as possible. I got incredibly obsessed with this to the point where I relied constantly on validation and explanation and would never focus on real material aspects of my life. I think, inadvertantly, I spent all of my time since I left home and possibly some before it too, simply thinking. I opted to think instead of live.

I think being this unusual type of person who hasn't ever really fit in taught me a lot about people and friendship. It taught me what it means to be individual and it taught me the difference between people who have friendships for the sake of it- people who just live life as they "should" and obtain friends along the way- and people who have friendships because they want them. People who genuinely care and want to understand what it means to be a different person and who is willing to consider that difference isn't a flaw.

To those people who never let me push them away, no matter how hard I tried, thank you to the stars and back, thank you so much that I could never possibly put it into words. To those people who did let me push them away, thank you too, you were just living your life. I can never blame you or anybody else for this. Life is something in which we're always learning, if you've never had the experience of something it's very hard to learn from it retroactively. I resent ruining as many friendships as I did, I feel as if people were attempting to form a valuable emotional connection with me and I breached the emotiona trust people were placing in me. I wish I could've experienced whatever it is I was missing that made me this way.

I remember every situation in which I fucked up, I remember upsetting and driving people away specifically. I'm still bitter over every single loving friendship that went south because I'm socially disabled. My issues never showed themselves immediately but there's something in me that doesn't handle groups of people at all. I do things wrong many times and I can't deal with the complexities of interpersonal interactions, and I don't really think I'm obligated to if I don't feel able.

Worldly issues and my passionate inability to change anything

It hurts me so knowing how much truly unavoidable suffering happens in the world, I find it irreconcilable knowing that if I were to learn to live any semblance of comfortable life I would be doing it at the expense of making any positive change to the world, reducing some sort of suffering, I can't do it, but I also can't dedicate my life to anybody else. Even then, as I have probably said many times now, it means nothing... if I choose to live a full life and dedicated every moment to other people or if I died instantly right now, it really does not matter. After considering death for a long time and almost making the link between my beliefs of post-death with the actual real event happening for me I learned the importance of living beings having an equal opportunity.

For example, being that there is almost no possibility of a god or an afterlife and consciousness is born from a biological physical mechanism, once a being dies it's over forever. That being's experience has ended. While this means that there is no meaning to life on the one hand, it also suggests the importance of having the opportunity to live that life to the fullest for those who would like to. The suffering that goes on in the world that could easily by solved with finance is more sick than I first realised once considering this, healthcare and starvation for starters, there is no real reason that people are still dying for "lack of funds". Each experience and life is unique and will only ever be lived once, every time a conscious being that desires to live is denied that due to human selfishness the world is plunged further into a hypothetical moral hell. I can't live on this planet knowing that I would focus largely on myself rather than dedicating my entire life to trying to improve or save those opportunities. I do not want to live in such a twisted world. I choose to sacrifice myself for being unable to do any of my percieved duties. I don't have the capacity or confidence to think critically when it comes to politics or most heated topics, vocal angry people generally tend to win over here.

Love

Essentially, for those people who want to live their lives to the fullest, with the most amount of satisfaction and fulfillment even after knowing all of this. You have to realise what is most important. You have to let go of all the inconsequential things that your impulses want you to obsess over. Forget about social media, forget about how many likes you get on pictures, forget about who thinks what about your life. Focus on yourself, look inside yourself, what is most important to being happy if you remove all of those other people from the equation? Family? Friends? Whoever or whatever you hold most dear to your heart. I truly believe the only important thing in the world of living, conscious, sentient humans, is to be considerate. Not just the word, being considerate isn't doing something nice. Being considerate is trying to understand the essence of another person and working out what makes them feel good and loved and appreciated. Being considerate is truly trying to empathise with those people who you "hate" for no real reason, realising that while your thoughts are your own, nobody is too good or too bad to be worth considering.

When you really learn to do this, it feels a lot better than getting angry, making digs, being sarcastic. It's very nice to be nice when people don't feel any kind of obligation and you do it for the sake of it.

True love and compassion, real attempts to understand one another, actually trying to see past the inevitable first judgements we make on people. I think these are what really matter. I truly believe people who focus on these things first and foremost, who can accept that there will always be suffering in the world but actually the majority of suffering in our world is not as "necessary" or unavoidable as people like to tell you, and that personal success is an equal goal rather than greater, will go on to live extremely satisfying lives.

People should be as weird or bizarre or crazy as they want to be, because the chances are you really do only live once. Consider how much of your life is already gone, consider everything you would like to experience in the only time you are able to experience things and just fucking do it before it's too late. You should make every choice with the knowledge that you can only make it once and the consequences will be with you until you die, and you don't get to “try again”.

Haters

I suppose it wasn't exactly the best idea to put this part nearer the end either, because I'm sure those who truly hated me won't get here or even read this letter at all. However, I do hope that maybe one or two people who I had disgareements with in the past may reach this point and listen to my perspective.  I love you. I leave this life without any resentment for individuals. I do not blame any of you, I blame the human condition and how society is in general. Modern society, ancient society, no matter how they compare to one another, it has always been flawed. There will always be those suffering and on the sidelines and people require certain defence mechanism to live with this shit world.

I'm very sorry if I ever said anything bad to you, or did anything wrong. Please understand that I only ever acted out of emotion, irrational responses that I somehow thought might help me deal with the feelings I couldn't comprehend. I always wanted everybody to like me, I wanted to be everybody's friends and see the good in everybody. People have often misunderstood me and, throughout my attempts to make things right, simply preferred to keep their distance and never hear me out. I would be so passionate about this, resolving conflicts and understanding people's behaviour that I would make myself appear very neurotic, unable to let a situation slide and achieving the opposite of my goal: pushing people away even harder.

I resent the fact that there are "bad" people in the world. I don't believe there is such a thing as a bad person, simply those more vulnerable to the sicknesses of the mind and society. People can be twisted into something they never intended, even myself. I resent, most of all, that I can't fully comprehend how people end this way and that I could never change a hateful person. This change only comes from within, as a process of coming to terms with personal experiences, once again as with me.

All the bad things I did, I never intended, I never knew. I love you all and I hope you can attempt to forgive and understand me in the same way I have done with all of the individuals I've ever known.

Mental illness

I'll talk a little bit on my experience with mental illness. In very simple terms and from a professional point of view I think the opinion was generally that I suffered some form of depression from a young age and then from my own deductions I gradually developed some kind of anxiety.Part of the reason for my friendships perpetually breaking down I put down to the mild but persistent paranoia I experience in groups of people, possibly due to a full expectation of them to gradually grow to hate me. Like a self fulfilling social prophecy.

I feel there was definitely some underlying, unnoticed and untreated malfunction in my brain long before my life went to complete shambles. An odd case is intrusive thoughts, once I'd learned what intrusive thoughts were I recall thinking that I wouldn't want to experience them. Which quickly became "what would an intrusive thought be to me personally? What do I specifically never want to think about?" from this point without actively choosing, I think I began to have intrusive thoughts. It certainly felt like I had induced the process of having intrusive thoughts within myself. I think I broke myself. These thoughts were disturbing enough that I'd prefer not to go into detail, it happens very rarely but when it does it is very distressing, usually it's in the form of sentences and not images, but as time goes on the thoughts become more fleshed out and I simply cannot deal with this mess. I'm not sure if I'm unique in the behaviour I'm about to describe but growing up I always had a set of images or memories in my mind that I did not want to remember for some reason or another they had disturbed me, particularly scary images from tv shows, movies and music videos. Whenever I had a slight thought in the direction of remembering things that I didn't want to, my brain would spin in the opposite direction and force me to remember all of these things that I didn't want to. Admittedly I seem to have matured out of that (that being almost a defined set of uncomfortable stimuli I'd failed away somewhere in the back of my mind) a little now but it feels to be linked with the way I began my own intrusive thoughts.

I'm not exactly sure how to relate back and understand my behaviour around 2012-2014, the few years after my first hospital stay when I turned to drugs knowing how badly they were going to affect me, and the brief period before that hospital stay where I was acting incredibly impulsively and bizarre even by my own standards. I chose to go mute for a few days on a whim based on my partner making a comment about it and how much I dislike the sound of my voice. I can't explain what my thought process during times like that were, and it's in this way that mental illness has been a large but also external culprit in my problems.

I absolutely adore "women's" fashion beyond belief and towards the end of my life this was the biggest factor that played on my "dysphoria" in terms of gender. There are an endless number of dresses and outfits that I find adorable and wished I lived in a world where I could indulge in such fashion with no sense of it being odd, unusual, wrong, bizarre, laughable. Yet that part of me has always been a joke. Even discussing it here there is always a sense of "I'm fucked up for feeling this way" thanks to the way I've been treated for it over time, I can't possibly counter the number of times online that I have read statements such as “trannies are mentally ill and they should kill themselves”. There are other aspects to my gender dysphoria but when I try to analyse these feelings in-depth it seems I can pinpoint most of them to generic dysphoria that is messily combined with my feelings on gender. The one thing I absolutely know is that I do wish I was born female and I can't quite get over that feeling.

Whatever brought me to the my current experience of overwhelming dysphoria is a process I don't understand too well but I've considered that it may have something to do with the conditions in which I grew up, for example never having any sort of male figure. It's another thing I really don't like to dwell on too much, I struggled through feelings of "gender dysphoria" whatever that means for years since my mid teens onwards, I never quite came to terms with it and understood exactly what it meant for me personally. I came to the conclusion that I can't possibly understand my own identity, sexual, gender, or even in general. My dysphoria "spread" and became something that affects everything I do and feel about myself, my actions and choices. I'm sorry, but I refuse to sit through therapy on any of these deeply personal matters, especially after being severely humiliated the first time I brought the issue up with my GP. I also don't want to learn to live with the fact I'm a gender I wouldn't like to be, but that's a whole other can of worms, these aspects of me are far beyond understanding.

The best way I can link how my mental health affected me from a young age in similar ways right up until the present day is an independant psych report that was done on me around 2007. Reading it back now makes me sick, many of my current situations were predicted and also many of my negative behaviour and thought patterns were recognised way back then.

I think I have neglected to mention how many times I really have attempted to live my life. Although I was always the destructor of my own efforts, I always tried and went into something with full passion and effort. Trying to get onto courses and looking for employment opportunities in areas I thought appropriate. Every single time, without fail, if it wasn't for my self-sabotage something else would slap me in the face, completely out of left field and more recently I'm simply unable to go into thing with a full enough tank. I get worn down before I even begin. Once I realised focusing on my selfish desires in life wasn't going to work out for me I thought that I could learn from my own mistakes and “suffering”, maybe if I went into something with full passion and knowledge of my experiences then I could make a real positive difference to other people. I spent time considering what entertainment products could be invented specifically for patients on psych wards as an obvious response to my experience of not being allowed something as simple as a radio because of the power cables but that passion quickly dwindled because my own miserable life would overpower even my drive to help others. There is a seemingly endless list of completely unacceptable human-caused suffering and I can't see any world in which this no longer happens, no matter how much I or anybody else dedicates their lives to “helping” others, it's the same logic behind people not voting in the election. Why should I even bother when it will make no difference? It's the same pervasive despondancy that makes us all selfish and makes suffering accptable.

I do not desire to live a life where it takes such an astronomical amount of effort and "fighting back" just to live a very mediocre normal life rather than an outright negative one. After failing for so long and everything else.. conditions are no longer optimal, my brain is almost past it's prime age for learning, probably severely damage too, and I basically need a slipstream to get me going.

Summary

I've had varying dreams and I think a strong part of me always wanted to grow up like those adults I idolised as a child. The type that are incredibly charismatic, passionate, enthusiastic about teaching and life in general. I've always somehow achieved the opposite of what I wanted to and then my dreams also became skewed by the circumstances I was engaged in. I became twisted as a person and developed a dream of engaging in an almost hedonistic selfish lifestyle, spending half of my time dreaming about leaving my life and living the most extravagant life possible, always forgetting that I'm socially unable mentally and financially. I realised that I just have no desire to work my life away, yet I can't live my desired life without doing this. I will never wake up in the morning and be happy with the body I grew, there are some factors that are unchangeable in my mind and in my physical self and I refuse to even attempt to come to terms with this and live life as a compromise. My thoughts have fought a war of attrition on my mind and won.

I will attempt to summarise my reasons for ending my life one more time...

I am unable and unwilling to attempt to "fix" all of the effects my life has had on me mentally and physically. Through a long period of deliberation I have realised that I love to sleep more than anything and that if I choose to leave earlier, in the grand scheme of things my suicide will have almost no impact at all, just as my life also wouldn't. I've realised that the value of living my life and experiencing things in general is lower than I first thought. That low value is really just a subjective thing, but it's also my absolute truth. I truly believe that I can see and choose the level of value I hold in living my full life.

I arrive at this decision through a combination of my unexpectadly low quality of life, my mental and personality malformations, my inability and unwilling to change, the time that I have already wasted and the prospect of knowing whatever I do I'll never reach close to the levels that I originally wanted. Every aspect of me has been broken down in some way or another and it's been almost invisible to most people. Both my circumstances and repeated mistakes have caused dramatic and permanant damage to my quality of life.

In a completely non-depressing (hah, sorry) way I know that life is just the same as everything else in the Universe. It just is, it's random, it doesn't really mean anything and it's not a shame that I want to leave. As I mentioned before I don't at all believe people can't choose to live and assign their own values and meaning. I wish I could truly describe the truth that I feel isolated from my emotional reasons just as I wish I could portray my mental state accurately so that all of this typing wouldn't be necessary.

All that I can ask is that you respect my decision. I know there's nothing I can do to ease your pain and that this will stay with you until your final day, I'm sorry but that's not my fault, it's Life's.

Love you. x

Ps.

What I've written in this letter might seem superficial or pretentious, no matter what maybe you can glean just a tiny bit of insight into my mind. I think I have a clarity and inner peace now that is harder to put into words than anything else I have ever experienced. I likely won't even read this whole thing back other than just skimming. I wish nothing but good fortune on everybody, even if I believe that is impossible. I don't blame anybody at all, I was wrong to live my entire life expecting people to know what was going on inside my head. I had intended to write a lot more than this but I think I've almost got everything I need from it. It's hard for me to view the entire document in much more than paragraphs at a time so I'm very sorry if I repeated myself too much or said much stupid stuff.

Finally I want you to know that my passing was meticulously planned and researched for years and was definitely peaceful, don't worry about that.

This turned out to be more neurotic and empty than I could have hoped, a stream of pointless words with nothing substantial inside, just like the husk that I am.

If you're still reading, think you for validating my existence. Goodnight and goodbye.

More on my choice

Thank you for reading, considering everything written here, I choose to opt out of my life.

Here I'll quote some of my writing I made in response to others that I think express some important feelings and I couldn't find the energy to incorproate into this thing. My head hurts and trying to organise something as long as this without repeating myself too much is difficult. I've probably missed out plenty of important details because I don't have the strength to finish it, but as I told myself I've done my best. This is my expression. I'll just accept that the parts of me I'm no longer able to express or even remember correctly are going to be dead with the rest of me, so I don't feel such a strong desire to preserve those older memories anymore. I feel some of those parts of me that held onto the things that hurt the most are already dying. I'm now filled with this emotional expression when consuming things such as music that I love and art and such, but even then I cannot possibly express it without judgement except when I'm alone. I can reach for the stars but I'll only ever be spat on for doing so.

There are certain parts of myself I just can't change, certain things I've learned to rely on, certain behaviours I don't feel comfortable trying to stop yet I know I can't go on being the same. There is no other way, I find that all the issues I have in my life mean so little yet they feel so insanely large to me, even though I know logically they're absolutely nothing. I come to the conclusion that the easiest way out is also not a deplorable way out. best of luck to those left living tbh

Honestly I think underage people accessing inappropriate content is a parental issue that should solve these discussions before they even happen. In hindsight I definitely wish I wasn't given free reign of the internet until at least say age 16. As fucked as it sounds, I think long distance relationships ruined me a little bit, skewed my priorities and delayed some important parts of my development.

This is the end of the letter, following is just snippets of my interests in case anybody close to me wishes to indulge and feel closer to who I was in this way

Really this is just my last attempt at sharing some of the last interests I ever indulged in, unfortunately I can't possibly include everything as I started out by saying... my interests are overwhelmingly all-encompassing, feel free to ignore it.

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I discovered Dawkins shortly before the end of my life, I love how passionate he is about spreading what he believes is good and right. I don't think I've seen any clip of him being truly disrespectful and from what I've seen he is just a remarkable man worth listening to. He has allowed me to expand upon beliefs that I already had and I'm very happy to learn some good reasons for me having these beliefs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxGMqKCcN6A

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Here are some pieces of music that I love to pieces and invoke much emotion within me, often because of the personal memories and experiences I have linked with each piece. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6KcYN0A5LY

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If you wish to remember me by something I adored then please watch the box set of studio ghibli movies, they mean more to me and more in general than people like to give credit for. The music and art direction of these movies is very dear to my heart and represent a way in which I could externalise and really feel my emotions for once. Thank you to a very good male nurse at Cheadle Royal who leant me the box set during my stay and let me watch them all. All of them except Tale from Earthsea pretty much mean so much to me.

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a band that I adore and has really interesting, catchy and sometimes beautiful lyrics is Streetlight Manifesto. Classic go to for when I'm down in the dumps.

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You can find some more movies I enjoyed on my lists here: https://www.imdb.com/user/ur77664761/

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a lovely insightful post by a good friend I made:

Yes, I think psychic suffering (however you want to define it: depression, isolation, shitty life circumstances) can be the basis for a completely rational decision, so long as the suffering has been over an extended period of time and not simply a reaction to a specific life event (say losing your job or romantic partner) which may be overcome.

I’m middle aged and have experienced a lifetime of woes, and have decided, quite rationally, that my suffering will only get worse from here.

Some of the posters here are quite young but have suffered for years, and they too can make this decision rationally. Anyone younger than 25, however should be discouraged but I still respect their right to die.

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I was originally unsure about sharing this due to the personal nature of stuff that I blogged but I decided I'd rather leave this behind as a momento of the things I was interested in, liked to look at, the aesthetic and parts of me that were never known. Parts of me that I'm humiliated by and wished I wasn't.. my Tumblr is here and my about page shows I've been writing similarly to this for a long time:

http://icebaka.tumblr.com/ http://icebaka.tumblr.com/about

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“I felt no guilt 'til I was caught and I was told that I was gulity, and even then I wasn't really sure.”

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