#supernatural s11

[woundlingus]

I hate that little convo where Cas and Dean bully Sam into using Lucifer for his grace in s13. Especially the stuff coming from Cas about how “he’s been possessed too.”

He’s not Jimmy. He’s possessing jimmy. He shared a vessel he could leave at any point with Lucifer. It’s crazy that Castiel could even consent to being possessed in the first place because that’s not his body. Lucifer didn’t enter him. It wasn’t violating. They were at best housemates, and at worst Lucifer was holding him hostage in the house. Not that he seemed to be in a great deal of anguish because we actually get to see what’s happening inside and Castiel says point blank that Lucifer mostly just leaves him alone.

Like I’m sorry, how is that just as violating as what Sam went through? Losing all control and free will of his own body? Having his consent violated since before he was even born, he’s not even made to be a person. Then to be stuck in the cage for god knows how long being further violated in ways that entirely shattered his mind.

It’s shitty writing, it’s OOC, and it doesn’t even make sense with its own mythos because Lucifer wasn’t IN Castiel. Castiel’s body isn’t even something physical. They’re in Jimmy.

[dontlikeconflict]

Based on S11EP13 Love Hurts (in which a supernatural creature called a Qareen appears to you as the person you desire the most, in an attempt to steal your heart)

TW: internalized homophobia, derogatory terms, John Winchester being a shitty dad

AO3 link

Dean's ready for it, he knows the bastard is around here somewhere and all he has to do is find it and kill it (or at least hold it off until Sam finds its heart, and stabs the damn thing)

He and Sam had been theorizing over who it might appear to them as, joking over childhood crushes and celebrities, but as the creature came into sight Dean's heart sunk. Some part of him knew who it would be, but he thought maybe if he didn't allow the thought to take hold -if he kept the idea in his peripheral vision, not looking directly at it- that it wouldn't be true.

but now the manifestation of his desire was staring directly at him, and it couldn't be ignored.

"Hello Dean"

The gravelly voice sounded the same as it had a hundred times before. The downward tilt to the corner of his eyes was the same, as was the slight skew to his blue tie. It was exactly as he saw Cas, in his mind's eye.

"oh don't try to be cute, I know exactly what you are Qareen"

He didn't want to have to try to kill this thing as it flawlessly imitated Cas, but at his words, the creature allowed its head to softly tilt to the side and his - its - eyes to slightly narrow. An expression that was so painfully Cas, that Dean was torn between pain and anger.

"I understand, Dean" the creature speaks, stepping slightly closer to the large work table that separates them

"is that right?" he responds, trying to focus on anything other than how much this thing looks like Cas, having to remind himself that it was an illusion, despite the tight feeling in his chest that always seemed to respond to the other man's micro-expressions.

The creature continued forward toward him "The longing in your heart? I feel it too"

If only the circumstances had been different, if only this was Cas, the words might have felt like a relief instead of so painfully raw.

"well that's touching" Dean began, as he tried to subtly move toward a knife wedged into the wood of the workbench "considering you don't have a heart. Considering... you're not Cas"

Dean didnt know if he was saying it aloud for the creature, or just to reassure himself. So that when he inevitably plunged a knife into this thing, he would know the expression of pain didn't truly belong to his friend.

"who I am doesn't matter" A small smile graced Cas' lips " The real question, is who are you?" Cas' eyes looked at Dean the way they had so many times like he was trying to understand him; like he thought if he stared long enough he could unravel the enigma that was Dean Winchester.

"what do you mean, who am I?" Dean trying to inch toward the knife, but the Qareen was tracing his movements

"You're a mystery. I can see inside your heart" They are both moving in sync, both so aware of the other " Feel the love you feel"

the use of that word causes Dean to stop in his tracks, and the creature stops with him "Except, its cloaked in shame"

and that's it isn't it? what it's all about. Dean has never been one to shy away from romantic feelings. Whereas one could describe him as emotionally constipated in almost every other area, romance had always been the easiest one, and even if he got turned down it never really affected how he approached potential partners.

But Cas was different. For starters he wasn't human, a factor he had gotten over a while ago but something that at the beginning had always been in the back of his mind. Back when Cas still spoke like an angel, 'raising him from perdition' and then subsequently threatening to throw him straight back to it. But it had been a long time since that mattered, a long time since he viewed Cas as Other in that way. and yet there was something so trivial yet so big that held him back. Cas was a man, his vessel was at least. And no matter how many people he meets, how much he grows and changes, his father is always there.

Throw away comments about 'pansys' and 'queers' and much harsher words that Dean doesn't even like to think. He can still remember his father watching the news and tutting at why "they have to go and get married, why can't they just stop shoving it in everyone's faces".

It felt wrong even back then, and Dean knows his father was wrong. Knows that even though he loves him, that he was an asshole on his best days. But the idea of people looking at him and thinking all those horrible things, the knowledge of what his father would think of him if he could see him now, always held him back.

When he spent too long looking into Cas' eyes, when Cas touched him and he felt himself light up, when he said something that sounded slightly too affectionate, he would feel his father's shame like a weight dropping down onto him.

He knew that he and Cas had something, that they shared a "more profound bond", as the angel had put it. But he could never get past the shame that lurked within him.

"when it comes to this" the creature continued, looking down at the shape it had taken, lifting a hand to Cas' chest and rubbing across it "You can't help yourself, so why fight it?"

To hear these words in Cas' voice; it was almost too much.

The creature was stalking its way forward "Just give in"

Ah, see that was just enough. That was so unlike Cas, to ask him to give in to anything, to not kick and fight the whole way as he always did, that it knocked Dean's mind out of its self-loathing and allowed him to act, to plan.

"yeah, you know what? You're right" suddenly feeling more confident that this was just another monster, just another hunt

"The real Cas, he does have a hold over me" It was the closest he had even come to admitting what it really was "but you... are nothing but a cheap imitation"

the creature was almost close enough to rip his heart from his chest, so he acted and did the first thing he could think of. He picked up a metal table to the side of him, holding it up like a shield just before the creature's hand burst right through the metal as if it were paper.

funnily enough, this felt more like Cas than the creature had been before, reminding Dean of when they first knew each other and Cas would constantly startle Dean with effortless strength. Holding a pipe Bobby swung directly for his head or lifting an entire anvil up as if he were holding a pillow.

Dean was taken out of his musings by the threat of losing his head as the creature pulled its arm free and he had to leap away rolling over the top of the workbench, just before the Qareen's hand went right through the thick wood. The way it moved was very stiff, not very artful, clearly not used to having to work physically for its food, used to victims presenting themselves eagerly for the face of their desires.

Then Dean's eyes caught on the knife he had been inching toward earlier, and he made a grab for it swinging haphazardly for the imitation of Cas' face, only to have his hand grabbed firmly, the creature squeezing at his arm until he was forced to relinquish the blade.

He was then shoved against the wall, held in place by Cas' large hand at his shoulder, the other raising, ready to push through layers of skin, muscle, and bone, to rip his heart straight from his body. Dean had no time to be scared, but if he had time to reflect he would have thought that dying to Cas' hands wouldn't be the worst way he could go.

but then it all stopped, the creature froze before stumbling back. Cas' face twisted in pain as it began to shake and scream before the body began to dissolve into smoke, and it all collapsed into a central blue light, almost like a star.

and then it was gone. And Sam was calling his name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not much had been said on the ride back to their motel, mostly focusing on cleaning up their mess, and driving home the victim. But now they were packing up their few things into duffel bags, getting ready to drive back to the bunker.

As Dean was shoving clothes unfolded into his bag, Sam's voice came from behind him "So you gonna keep me in suspense here or what?"

Dean continued to pack, hoping Sam wasnt asking what he thought "About what?"

"Who was it?" Sam was prying, he seemed casual about it, still moving between the bed and his bag as he grabbed and folded each item

"it, uh" Dean began to speak before he even knew what he was going to say. The truth? Or some half-baked lie about Daisy Duke batting her eyelashes at him before she lunged for his heart? but a calm almost washed over him as he allowed himself to be honest.

"it was Cas."

"huh." the was a pause where Dean felt like he truly could throw up "Does that surprise you?"

all his fear turned incredulous "That doesnt surprise you?"

For a moment the shame from his father came back, and the idea that something about him looked gay came into his mind. What if everyone knew? like it was something they could just tell about him. But Dean had to mentally remind himself that this was Sam, that his Dad was a bigot, that his dad hadn't been around to judge him for a long time now.

"Honestly?" Sam said, as if his answer was obvious

"Honestly." Dean parroted, his defensive nature rising up "What you seriously think Cas, the poor excuse for an angel that dresses like an accountant, is my deepest desire?"

it felt wrong to deflect, to be hurtful about Cas just because he was afraid, but the words just fell out.

"he isn't?" Sam responded simply

"No!" Dean's voice pitched up at the end of the syllable, and it sounded like a lie, even to his ears. "He cant be."

"why not?" the blunt way Sam was addressing him wasn't helping the rising panic in his chest

"Why? Because that means I'm-" The words get stuck, he can't say them, especially when he knows how he'll sound as they come out of his mouth. The Qareen was right, he's still ashamed.

"what Dean?" Sam's voice is soft, like he knows exactly what Dean is thinking, like he wants to say it for him so he doesn't have too

But Dean has to be the one to say it, he knows this. He attempts to steel his expression, but as the words come out he knows he sounds afraid "It would mean I'm - " Queer, a pansy, an embarrassment "Gay"

Even though they both knew what he was going to say, Sam's face changes to one of soft surprise "Dean, Did you honestly think that something like that would matter to me?"

Dean didnt know what to say. Logically he knew it wouldn't, but some part of him felt like it would somehow make him less of Sam's tough older brother, like somehow he would be letting him down, as irrational as it sounded

Sam took Dean's silence as a sign to continue "Look I know Dad had some stupid ideas about this kind of thing, but you gotta know that he was an idiot"

some old part of Dean wanted to get annoyed at Sam for speaking out against their father, for disgracing his memory, but the feeling wasn't strong enough for him to act on right now.

"you need to know that... you and Cas" his little brother, so smart seemed like he had no idea how to put his thoughts into words "it would be okay"

the words Sam settled on were simple but it felt like such sweet relief, because really that was all Dean wanted. For how he felt to be okay. To not feel like he was wrong every time he let his guard down. every time he let himself want. He didnt quite feel like he was okay, but hearing the words from Sam made him feel a hell of a lot closer to believing.

"Thanks, Sammy" Maybe in another world he could have teared up at a time like this and told his brother how much his acceptance meant to him. But for now, all he could do was give his beanpole of a brother a strong slap on the arm and say "Let's go home", home to where Cas is.

Part two

[self-loathing-angel-of-thursday2]

Beautiful Spouse’s Rewatch Thoughts SPN 11x23 Alpha and Omega 

“That would get really hard to deal with after a while” “horny much?” “Why wouldn’t they? If dogs ever went to sleep, they’d have to break the fast, which would become breakfast” “unless it’s some supernatural kind of dog, it would probably have to sleep, but I don’t know that much about dogs” “Hey I think we’re showing off the apocalypse or whatever” “Oh hey. It’s that first episode of Doctor Who or whatever” “I’m with Dean on this one again” “one thing I don’t know is that once the sun is consumed, idk what elements are next, it has to start diffusing iron is when it stops. How soon would we notice its expansion” Spouse talked about the sun exploding for about 10 minutes so we paused the episode

“Dude who is this jackass? TV preachers have way more money than this guy. Look how yellow his teeth are. Have you ever seen a TV preacher with yellow teeth?” “That’s an accent” “really” “I like how the one photo is in color. IN the group of four on the left” “What the hell is Crowley thinking? He sniffs it and it’s terrible. From this moment until the focus shifts, he does something with his eyes. What is he thinking? He’s thinking about Rowena I suppose. He’s like oh this liquor is terrible, but then his eyes do the shifty thing” “I’m sorry, but it took me way too long to realize that isn’t cleavage” laughter

“Wait aren’t we 12 years in or however many bottles” “How is Dean not pissed off at Cas? Is he just coping with the end of the world? He’s not mad at Cas” “what?” “wait how…wouldn’t there be millions of souls in heaven or hell? And a couple thousand over the millions of souls elsewhere. Let’s raid the crematorium? It’s like orders of magnitude off” “don’t stop pouring. You’re not done.” “You look like you’re in a rush and then it’s not a big deal. See? You should have finished” “I have actually shot a shotgun in an enclosed building without hearing protection, and I have hearing damage. How have they not talked about this yet?” “It’s the loudest thing you’ll hear in your life, and everything sound quieter for like 3 days” “I’m missing something” “If they don’t know what caused the bunker to do that, and the bunker did that, I’m pretty certain a gun isn’t enough” “exactly” “she’s not a goat. Like a billy goat” “why you guys busting goats?” “you could do a goat simulator but ghost simulator and make it like supernatural but just as obnoxious” “I don’t think bats associate with birds really” “what the fuck’ “are they trying to imply some shit? I don’t know what I missed” “business up front. Party in the back” “how much is worse is flame broiled vs regular broiled? But I suppose I dont’ know what that feels like” “Only hot on one side? I dont understand” “This conversation should have happened beforehand” “he kissed his mom on TV” “I mean hasn’t that what Dean has been asking for this whole time? I don’t think that’s going to help” “I’ve watched my fair share of chick flicks” “Wait how did Chuck know where to snap Dean off to” laughter

“So it’s just the sun then?” “obviously” “wait isn’t this last episode?” “so they got the sun diffusing hydrogen again?” “idk how you measure that quantity of hydrogen, but it’s a lot and back into the sun” “did they disarm the trigger?” “what the fuck?”

[aspiringcorvidae]

If I had a nickel for every time Dean Winchester breaks Cas out of a mind spell that makes him unwillingly violent I’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it’s GAY that it happened twice.

[undercovercannibal]

SUPERNATURAL 11.03 ⛥ The Bad Seed

[2sw]

"Kale's a garnish." "It's healthy. I'm watching my cholesterol, like you should be."

(+) ✨organic✨

[sammygender]

i cannot even imagine how genuinely devastated i would be if i was sam winchester and all my life i’ve tried so hard to be good and so many awful things have happened to me but i still somehow have faith and i start getting visions that i think must be from god. and then the visions end up being from LUCIFER. just manipulating me again. like that’s soul-destroying. and this always happens to him. eg in season four when he’s so sure he can use his powers for good and help people and fight lilith and then the narrative goes nah actually you’re doomed to be evil🤣 and it turns out ruby was manipulating him to let out lucifer all along. awful awful awful. he is soooo good and he wants to be part of something good so badly but the only forces that reach out to him are evil ones that just want to use him

[becauseofthebowties]

11.23 - Alpha and Omega - for DESTIEL'S 2ND ANNIVERSARY EVENT by @destiversary - Day 8: Season 11

[lo-hi]

casifer😈

[manwiththemagic]

The writers of s11 were cowards. If IIIIIIIIIII was in charge I'd made Lucifer's weird obsession with Sam show up more. Like the writers have very obviously included it and yet when Lucifer is processing the same vessel as cas, and therefore pretending to be cas, he just fucks off and tortures Crowley with fucked up bdsm pet play.

Like the few times casifer and Sam interacted were GOLD. because Sam sees it as his best friend cas, and Lucifer (who keeps talking about Sam like they're toxic ex's) is pretending to be him!! Although not to well. Like his freaky smirk when sending Dean into the past and coming back to harass Sam? Dude lives off of sadistic pleasure.

The way he full on LAUGHS when Sam says he trusts him bc Sam thinks it's cas?? Like gold!?!? Don't know why the writers didn't do more with that.

Also why not do more with the 'lucifer sent Sam visions to get him down to hell'. Like Lucifer is Obsessed w/ sam because that body/vessel is "supposed to be" his. And yet after revealing himself he doesn't try and convince Sam anymore?

He's just given up? Like nah man I don't believe that. I feel like he woulda fucked with Sam more in cas' body. And like it woulda been a way better not-romance-romance plot then whatever the fuck Dean and Amara were..

Like that came outta no where... I mean I get it.. but ew?? We saw her grow up, and maybe id argue "well there were two versions of her!! One physical on earth, the other her actual form and memories as a celestial being!!" BUT NO. SHE CALLS CROWLEY UNCLE CROWLEY.

cause he like raised her for a day or wtv..

Idk s11 is better than s10. Like the episode from baby's prospective?? PEAK CINEMAAAA!! also not that I dislike s11, no I quite love it, I just wish the dean plots were more fleshed out, and that it was more "Dean and Sam vs the world!!" Then Dean vs Sam yk??

Like where's my dynamic duo??

That's part of why I didn't like s10. Like no I loved the IDEA of Mark of Cain dean, and demon dean was hilarious (although I HATE him) but it was just Dean vs Sam, Dean vs cas, Dean vs the world. And idk I liked the idea, cause this time it was sam doing everything to save Dean, but man I just didn't like the fighting..

Also s11 had a mention of TMNT, S10 did not so... points!!

S1 and 2 of spn were peak ofc, and s3 was good but not really memorable for me?? Idk I'll go back and rewatch once I finish the series (just finished s11)

S4 and 5 were also really good, we got Castiel who is peak, blood junkie Sam, which was one of my favorite plots!! And of course a lot more bobby. Rest in peace king!

And unlike some I loveeeed s6-7 like.. the soulless plot, and death? Dean dealing with soulless sam?? Chefs kiss I mean mwah. Then Sam tweaking because of hallucinations. NOT TO MENTION GODSTIEL?? loved him sm stg.

8-9-10 is where it kinda fell off. I mean idk the leviathans?? Weak. Hated them ngl. Idk if they were s7 but either way.. mid. I didn't like purgatory bc no way Sam would do that?? But I did like how it developed deans character..

I don't remember what happened in what season but I lovedddd kevin, hated metatron (but in the "it's because he's well done" kinda way), the tablets were aight, Mark of Cain was uh... something.. (I hate demon dean but he was peak..)

So like idk.. show is peak though, I'm just at that point in the hyperfixtion where it's like "BUT I COULD DO IT BETTER!!" ykwim?? NVM I'm sick with a fever, supernatural is all I have going for me man.

[woundlingus]

s11 big bad is the darkness gods sister but they don’t beat her by over powering her they beat her by breaking the cycle of violence, the violent act of chuck beating down his sister and then playing the scenario out over and over to reassure his fragile ego and mind that what he did was sound and okay because he knew deep down it was not, and he inflicted that on his children, who inflicted it on Adam and Eve, on Cain and Abel, all the way down the line to Sam and Dean. The original sin recast as God’s own. The violence enacted against a whole sex of a species to paint them as the sin so he could reassure himself he was pure and righteous as he choked the life out of Amara as he dominated. The gendered violence of the darkness being feminine, the morning star being Venus being Lucifer and again feminine (until later seasons, boring), then Lilith for not submitting, then Eve for curiosity and being tricked. They never wanted for anything other than to exist and to be loved as what they were. God wanted to be selfish first. The Light wanted to push himself and his imagine on the Dark and subdue her, have her be subservient and in the background to a life he envisioned for himself, and waged a holy crusade against a species who never even knew of her existence, would never know why he hated them so.

[dontlikeconflict]

Part two

This is part two of my s11ep13 concept rewrite, was supposed to be a oneshot but i couldnt leave it be, so now its got two chapters, this will be the last one though! hope you like it

AO3 LINK

PART ONE ON TUMBLR

The drive to the bunker was thankfully uneventful. The fear that Sam would bring their conversation back up, or somehow act differently toward Dean constantly stuck in his mind, but the first half of the drive was thankfully uneventful, filled with the usual noise of music pushing from Baby's speakers filling the air between the brothers.

But as the drive went on for longer and they got closer to home, to where Cas was, Dean had something he had to ask.

"Sam... you -" he felt so awkward verbalising it, like a teenage girl bringing up a crush "you're not gonna tell Cas, about..."

He let the words trail off, knowing neither of them needed him to finish the thought, a demon had provided them with undeniable proof that Cas was Dean's "deepest desire", it was indisputable.

"Dean..." Sam said it in that long drawn out way of his that meant he was disappointed, right now Dean really couldn't bare his baby brother being disappointed in him too. "I won't tell Cas, of course."

there was a 'but' at the end of that, and despite the long pause they both felt it there, waiting against a back drop of Led Zeppelin

Dean got tired of waiting. "But?" he sounded like a petulant child, but he couldn't bring himself to care about being mature or level headed right now, the miles between them and the bunker lessened.

"but... you should, tell him" Dean could tell Sam was looking at him, but he deliberately kept his eyes on the road, allowing the feel of the wheel in his hands to ground him.

He thinks over a million replies in his head:

'are you an idiot Sam?'

'why the hell would I want to do that?'

He goes for a combination of a few of his ideas "what? Sam are you an idiot, what exactly do you think that will do?"

And the more pitiful:

'How do you think he'd react?'

'Do you think he feels like that? about me?'

Dean bitterly imagined Cas sneering, leaving the bunker, looking toward him in disgust; but then resigned himself to the much more likely reality. Castiel's pity, his care. In the most painful way he could give it, he would give Dean that look that said he couldn't even begin to understand how he felt, let alone return it. He would be gentle, and kind, in the kind of awkward way that would only work coming from Cas, and it would rot Dean from the inside, out.

"Honestly Dean? I don't know. But I know that Cas is family, he cares about you, about us. Nothing good can come of you bottling all this up forever"

Sam was still looking at him, Dean was still refusing to look back. He refused to accept any kind of logic from his smart baby brother, what he was suggesting couldn't be worth the pain it would bring into their lives. But he couldn't vocalise that, couldn't tell Sam just how much the rejection would tear into him, so he just said "you know me Sammy" forcing a smile. Because Sam did know him, Sam knew that if he could it would stay bottled, for as long as he could bare it.

------------------------------------------------------------------

The bunker without Sam and Dean felt slightly less like home to Cas, but it still was comforting to have a place to reside, a place to go back to at the end of the day. Cas liked the kitchen and the long hallways, he liked not being forced into poorly decorated motel rooms (although some may say the bunkers décor left something to be desired) and he liked having a place he belonged.

Cas had found home in his relationship to the Winchesters, in a way that felt realer and more significant than anything he had ever had before in heaven. And in some way, the bunker was a physical manifestation of that. It was home, it was the kitchen where Dean made his sandwiches, and had even made pie for Cas once when a storm hit and the trip to the nearest diner was too risky in Baby (a resilient car, but not one necessarily built for extreme weather). It was an apple pie and although Cas still didn't really enjoy eating a lot of foods, he smiled as he ate his slice of pie, even as the slimy texture of cooked apples filled his mouth. All because Dean, stood in the kitchen with his own slice of pie, half eaten before Cas had even finished his first bite, looked so proud of his creation.

Weather it was a trait Dean would associate with himself, he loved to support others, not just protect them, but support. Make them food, keep their needs well met and a smile on their face. He was a carer at heart, and that's what kept the smile on Cas' face as he swallowed the (for him at least) unsatisfying pie.

And Cas would never tell the brothers this - he feels they would be upset - but when he was alone in the bunker he often loved to go into their rooms. He would look at how they placed things, or what objects they seemed to give more space to than others. Both of their rooms were clean, clothes folded the same way, but Sam's desk was cluttered with the most currently relevant lore, and the shelf above littered with non-fiction books. Dean's desk was devoid of lore, but almost always had some kind of weapon gracing it, with two larger guns mounted on his wall. But if you looked in the cubby beneath his bedside drawer, and Cas did, you would find 4 different novels by Kurt Vonnegut: Slaughter House Five, Cats Cradle, Slapstick and The Sirens of Titan. Cas has been gradually reading them all when there is downtime between cases. He knows he could get his own copies rather easily, but he finds something charming about flicking through the same pages that Dean has flicked through, finding certain passages underlined, or certain pages still dog eared, despite Dean finishing the book long ago.

Cas is drawn out of his musing by the door of the bunker opening, Sam and Dean has been on a case for the past day or so, but they hadn't required his help at any point, so he didn't know the details of it, and after spending the day alone he was eager to hear the details, so he moved towards the main room of the Bunker where he saw the brothers making their way down the stairs, duffel bags in hand.

"Dean, Sam" he said in lieu of a greeting, it was Sam who replied

"Hey Cas, how's it been, no disasters while we've been gone?"

"Not that I've noticed" Cas was aiming for a joke, and Sam gave a slight smile, but Dean didn't laugh like he'd hoped. Cas still found jokes to be a hard thing to navigate. When he tried to make them they often got him a confused or bewildered look, but often when he wasn't trying to joke he would get laughter, it was confusing.

Dean finally spoke up with a brief "well I'm gonna..." and gestured towards his room as he left, barely looking up.

Cas turned to the younger Winchester instead "How was the case?" he has been bored while the boys were gone, and curious on what he missed out on

"Oh, it was fine, turned out to be a Qareen, creature that transforms into your deepest desire" he half looked at Cas, as if looking for a reaction "Dean kept it distracted while I had to fight the woman who summoned it"

"I've heard of Qareen before... you stabbed its heart?"

"Yup, just before it got its hand in Dean's chest" once again Sam was giving him an odd look, as if examining his expressions, like he was waiting for him to get a hint.

"Dean was... fighting the Qareen?" the real question, if Dean was faced with his true desire, was one that was left in the air, implied.

"Yep." Sam was busing himself with his phone now, trying to seem disinterested, although his fingers were moving back and forth, as if scrolling through the same set of texts over and over.

"Do you..." Cas cleared his throat, suddenly feeling sheepish "do you know what form it took?"

At this Sam's eyes looked at him keenly, as if seeing right through him to his intentions, but still Cas held his gaze, waiting for Sam to reply

"That's something you'll have to ask Dean" and then he abruptly left, striding toward his own room, and leaving Cas alone again, feeling significantly more off balance than he had before the brothers arrived.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean travelled light, so unpacking his bag took mere minutes, and then he was left alone with his thoughts. Alone with the knowledge that Sam and Cas were out there together. That even though Sam said he wouldn't, he could, at any moment, tell Cas everything. Tell Cas that his deepest desire is for Cas to love him, a terrifying and painful vulnerability that made Dean feel sick to his stomach. Things that only you know are one thing, you can shove them down, ignore them, deny them. But to have proof of it, to have someone else knowing it too; the truth becomes infinitely harder to ignore.

A knock on his bedroom door broke him out of his thoughts, but only brought a further lurch of panic when who it was settled in. He allowed himself to turn to stone in the face of it.

"Come in!" he busied himself with clothes he had already folded and weapons he had already checked, as he heard the door open behind his back and Cas silently step inside the room, closing it again behind him. An act that, while Dean felt the way he did, seemed like a trap.

"Dean" he said in the same way he always said it, too sincere, too tender for just a name. Or maybe that's just how Cas speaks, maybe that's just what Cas' voice sounds like to Dean.

"Hey Cas" Dean hoped his voice was devoid of any tenderness, hoped it was casual and nothing else when it held the angels name "Didn't blow up the bunker while we were gone?"

"Its a bunker... I would be more likely to blow up myself than it"

Dean let a puff of air, barely a chuckle, escape his mouth. Too tense to really laugh. "Just an expression buddy"

"yes..." Cas seems like he wants to say more but instead he lingers at the door, refusing to leave while Dean refuses to turn to face him. There's a long stretch of silence, until Cas says

"Angels don't really desire things"

This causes Dean to finally turn, a shirt, folded then unfolded, still in his hand "what?"

"I do... desire things, obviously. But when I was in Heaven, before I met you and Sam.... what I knew and understood was God, my fellow angels, my orders. I was a soldier, and I didn't truly think about myself. About what I wanted for myself, or even what I wanted for others. It was about what God wanted, or at least what we thought God wanted. So, when I raised you from perdition" a small smile raised at the corner of Cas' lips at his phrasing, they both remembered when he first said it. "I found you very confusing, very... singular. The only kind of 'desire' I understood was the desire to follow, to worship. And as I began to stray, I saw that in you Dean"

Cas paused here, clearly not done with speaking but thinking on what he wanted to say, carefully. Dean was glad, because he had no idea what to say, where he was going with this, all he could do was hope, and hope and hope.

"We are very different, I know that, but we were both soldiers, are both soldiers. And I know that desire is not a good trait in soldiers, to want, to feel, it's not always rewarded" Cas pauses and looks almost mischievous as he says "One of the main effects of war, after all, is that people are discouraged from being characters"

Dean, despite all his fear, laughs "Cas are you quoting Vonnegut to me? You sure know how to woo a guy" The laughter let the statement slip out, but as soon as it was free panic found its way back in. The urge to literally slap himself was palpable.

Cas didn't look panicked, or uncomfortable, like Dean had feared, I suppose he had said more outright things before, but his emotions were running high and it felt like everything he said could lead to his ruin.

"I wasn't aware it was that easy to 'woo a guy'" Cas joked back, he looked pleased with himself for the quote

"well you know me, I'm easy" Dean might as well dig himself a deeper hole

A silence stretched out between them and Cas' smile slowly shrunk into a more neutral expression "Dean"

He said it again, the same way, so tender Dean felt it like a pull in his chest. He felt it so strongly he let himself reply with even a hint of the vulnerability that Cas seems to ooze "Cas."

Cas lets his head tilt slightly as he observes Dean, the same way the Qareen did as it told him that it understood his longing.

"Sam says you fought a Qareen today"

The weight of what coming feels near physical and all he can allow himself to do is a brief nod in return. Refusing to allow this to be easy for Cas, if this was going to be forced out of him then sure as shit it was going to be like pulling teeth for everyone involved, not just for Dean.

"Qareen transform into what you most desire." Cas said it despite them both knowing this, despite it being established, he said it because he wanted Dean to say something. Dean just stared.

A sigh pushes its way from Cas, and he looks almost tired "What form did it take Dean?"

And there it was. Trust Cas to phrase it in the most blunt inescapable way possible. The way he said it made it feel like he already knew the answer, like lying was impossible.

"Don't make me say it Cas" Dean sounded like a broken man, like a dog preparing to bite, and yet Cas didn't flinch in the face of it, he never did.

"Please, Dean" said without any of the devastation clawing at Dean's throat, weather this was a good or a bad thing he couldn't tell.

Despite what everyone thought, Dean knew when to give up. He knew that he had to say it, say what just a day earlier he never thought he would even acknowledge out loud, he forced himself to look directly into Cas' eyes, a kind of self punishment, and he spoke.

"It looked like you." a better man would cry, but Dean knew he sounded angry. "trench coat, blue tie, 100% angel of the lord. It looked at me, just how you're looking at me right now and talked about shame and desire ..... and love" he swallowed a lump in his throat "and then it used your hands to try and tear out my heart. Probably would have worked better if I actually thought it was you but... I'd know you anywhere Cas" it was supposed to be light-hearted but it sounded too raw

Its at this point that Dean has to turn away again, hoping Cas would allow him that kindness at least. He felt his shoulders stiff, his body tense, almost as if he was waiting to be hit, but of course as usual Cas surprises him, like he so often does

"You were the first thing I ever desired."

Dean wanted to look back, but he's afraid if he did Cas would disappear.

"I felt so alone in the world, and when I looked at you, despite all your flaws, I saw the best of humanity. I saw how much you loved, how much you fought for what you loved, and I not only wanted to be like you... I wanted to be one of those people you fought for, I wanted to be loved by you"

Cas always moved quietly, but in the room his footsteps sounded almost deafening

"To know you, Dean Winchester, has been the greatest privilege of my long life" a hand is placed on Dean's shoulder, slowly turning him to look into Cas' tearful expression "to be loved by you, is my greatest desire"

The breath that releases from Dean's chest feels like dying, like letting go. This Cas may well be the Qareen, because it felt as if his heart had been gripped and pulled straight from his chest, and now in his last moments of consciousness his body was floundering. So it goes.

Cas' hand moves from his shoulder to cradle Dean's face, holding him like something precious.

Dean knows he should say something, something real and true and important but all he can get out is "me?" he sounds like a lost child.

But Cas is smart, so instead of replying, or asking for more of Dean, he does something more simple for him, he pulls him in and kisses him.

For all his fear, of queerness, of his feelings for Cas, nothing has ever felt more right than the moment Cas' lips touched his. A relief that washes through his body, and for a moment he lets himself feel loved, desired, free. A tear leaves his eye and falls onto both their faces, not so monumental if they share it, not so scary. So when Cas pulls away Dean lets himself speak "I love you Cas"

And he may be imagining it, but it almost looks like Cas' eyes glow when he replies "I love you, Dean."

[self-loathing-angel-of-thursday2]

Beautiful Spouse’s Rewatch Thoughts SPN 11x18 Hell’s Angel

“Hello” “all that means is that he doesn’t become a demon though? Still dead” “is it going to be a pentagram of blood? Missed opportunity” “ooo that was bright” laughter

“On the hunt for some cunt” “some cheat death thing? That’s neat” “it sounded exactly like that” “there’s a lot of carefully crafted shadows in that scene” laughter

“Isn’t that what they want, too?” “pretty sassy bitch” “oh shit” “it wasn’t hell at all there, Dean” ==== we fell asleep during this episode so we had to backtrack to the beginning === 

“That’s the whole budget in one scene” “helluva a sunburn he’s got right there” “those were bolt action rifles, not automatics. I know there was more than one gun shooting at one time. In order to have the desired effect, they would have been shot all at the same time” “I mean, are they nearby St. Louis? It’s not like they can blink anywhere they want” “hell I’ll take one of those massages” “reverse crunch” “boobies” “Crowley looks very proud of himself.” “the fuck is that shit?” laughter

Laughter

“Good lighting” laughter “that’s fkn insane” “what are we doing with her now?” “Do we ever cover why she’s inside a bunker? I didn’t miss that?” “I think I understand - she’s channeling her energy to get to heaven?” “So if they ever run out of angels, can they take humans from their personal heavens and use those guys? If not, there’s a fanfic, I’m sure” “Why is Rowena slinking away?” “well…that’s one way to tell him” “Should we just replace Dean with reading whatever instead of ocean sounds at night? Just getting exorcised by a Winchester? Put you to sleep in a good way” “can’t Lucifer just walk right through it? I assume he can” “what the fuck is going on?” “oh hey bitch” “can’t they re-up the warding? I mean, it’s a gamble, because he might wake up but it might not happen” “How did Crowley make that happen?” “should have used your time more wisely” “very midwestern of him” “more blasting now. I don’t think it’s going to work though” “maybe more grunting is required” “well she fkn ran away with him. Kidnapped his ass” “steel? Like an iron cage, but it’s not salted though” “Is she trying to pull Lucifer apart?” “Sounds painful”

[shinelikethunder]

people who think everything good about SPN was an accident, please consider that season 4 knew exactly what the fuck it was doing when it gave Karin Konoval - who played the mom in X-Files 4x02 "Home" - a cameo in the "feral incest children living in the walls" episode

people who think SPN always did those things on purpose, or worse, that every production choice carries deep inter- or intra-textual significance whose most esoteric pop-cultural associations can always be imported wholesale and ascribed to authorial intent... please consider that if season 11 had any idea what the fuck it was doing when it blithely used johnny mathis's "wonderful! wonderful!" as cheery background mood music in the banshee episode, everyone involved deserved to be sacked on the spot for narrative incompetence.

context: X-Files 4x02 "Home" is SPN founding daddy Kim Manners' single most infamous work (affectionate), and that song is so iconically and cursedly and memorably associated with it that it sets off kill bill sirens in the heads of people who've been scarred for life by that ep. and i simply think. that if the show did not mean to imply via soundtrack that something deeply deranged was afoot here. (which, in context, it clearly did not.) then someone in that decision-making chain should've fucking intervened and told the others that a solid chunk of their most dedicated, longstanding viewers would hear it - consciously or unconsciously - as a signal that an absolute doozy of another shoe was about to drop. and that this signal would look deliberate to anyone who'd consciously identified it.

like this is on the level of "you cannot innocently play bobby vinton's 1963 hit single 'blue velvet' over a close-up of a character's ear without making ~10% of your audience wonder when said ear is going to get cut off." except multiply that by "and if you are late season 2 of twin peaks and you were co-created by david lynch, even if he's not directly involved at this point and the show has gone to shit, that audience percentage will rise dramatically and it will be actively confusing to them if it turns out you're not implying something on purpose." just. absolute clown foolery.

anyway this, in a nutshell, is both The Maddening Duality Of Trying To Suss Out Creative Intentions Behind SPN and a fucking hilarious symptom of the show's descent into amnesiac apathy about its own past. is spn aware, in a doylist wink-nudge referential sense, of Our Guy's X-Files Ep That The Network Famously Refused To Ever Air Again? flamboyantly yes AND flamboyantly no, thanks for asking! enjoy your accidental jumpscare and deep sense of unease <3

[stilinski-ortiz-dolan]

I am so proud of you boys.

[monsterfuckermilligan]

writing this fic and it turned into adam being pissed at sam…. which just makes so much sense. because who tried to get adam out of the cage? it was dean! he tried to get death to save him and was forced to choose, which was an obvious choice. yes, sam is important to dean, but soulless!sam was getting to be a problem. and after he got it back, he should’ve been the one to initiate trying to get adam back because he knows, more intimately than anyone, what the cage does to a soul.

(via 11x09 production draft)

but he didn’t. and out of everyone, lucifer is the one to bring him up years later!! (and indirectly calls out sam’s chosen one complex and calls him selfish for not even bothering to mention adam and instead avoiding him….thinking about @shallowseeker’s posts about lucifer and his cognitive empathy and sam’s tendencies toward dissociation/avoidance/‘running away’) then he said michael was cuckoo for coco puffs after he admitted to planting hallucinations in sam’s head! and honestly it’s interesting that he would’ve just trusted lucifer (?!?!!!) of all people after that reveal. like yep, no use trying to save him, he’s already gone! and yeah this scene was scrapped but it haunts me because nothing would’ve changed. sam had already determined adam was a lost cause and it just makes no sense to me. they are allies with demons and soulless people! they know how to cure demons! like! sam and dean’s own souls have gone to shit! they should’ve at least talked!!! but no!!!!

it’s just crazy to me that the writers remembered michael and adam and then just left it. s11 could’ve been so much better with them and i stand by it. the drama we missed!