#summertime rendering is such a wild time and i love it so much

[randoimago]

Mx Kat, question! Are there any anime you've been watching recently? Anything you're considering writing for?

There's actually 2 I've been watching. Well, one I'm currently watching the other one I'm waiting for the next episode in like 2 years 😔

Zom 100 is one I'm watching and I 100% want to write for the characters. But there's only been like 8 (?) episodes due to delays and I'm tempted to just go to the manga so I get better ideas of the character's personalities and stuff before writing.

The other one is Summertime Rendering. Oh my god I love it so much and it's just so freaking interesting. I'm just iffy about writing for it at the moment cause I'm still figuring out what is going on and if the characters are what they seem to be 😅

[oddygaul]

Quick Hits #3 - Wendell & Wild, Triangle, Summertime Rendering

Wendell & Wild

Boy, what a weird movie. Look, it’s gorgeous, the animation was incredible, great character designs, the soundtrack fucking rules.

But there’s just so much going on here that it feels overstuffed. It’s like Wendell & Wild has 3 or 4 different A plots that they tried to shove into one movie, and the result is that none of the individual arcs feel fully cooked to me. There’s movies that handle this well, with certain elements left more subsidiary and subtle worldbuilding filling in the blanks, but that wasn’t that – there’s just straight up not enough screentime for all these different plots to land.

this was too funny. also I really love the flat, stylized faces W&W have in the underworld

Wendell & Wild themselves are charming, but their world is left fairly unclear – is that all of hell, or is it really just a roadside attraction they want to give a fresh coat of paint? Also, why are the humans so excited that the pair gets to renovate their torture chamber at the end? Are we just that supportive of our friend’s goals? Manberg and Helley were fully baffling, and we never seemed to get much of an explanation for how the two met, the origin of Helley’s powers, or why all the faculty seem to see her shadow walking around the school & not care one bit. While the prison folks are sufficiently evil, and we certainly see them killing off competitors or obstacles to their plans, it’s weird that we never see any of their prisons. It's such a missed opportunity for a show don’t tell moment – instead, Siobhan literally explains it to the viewer with a diagram. Similarly, Kat’s struggles in the foster system seem weirdly passed over. The villain’s schemes and the (intended) themes of the movie are meant to be about a corrupt criminal justice system and the school-to-prison pipeline, but all we really get to see is a 10-second flashback giving us the roughest outline of what happened to her. Hell, more time is spent on the city council vote getting rigged than is spent on the actual justice system.

honestly one of the hardest character feats I've ever seen

I dunno, I’m excited to rewatch this one day and maybe gel with it more… on first blush it just came across overwhelming and slapdash structurally.

Triangle

Man, worst first date ever.

This one really came around for me; I was pretty burnt out with the loops on the boat, but as soon as Jess makes it back to the mainland, holy shit… what a flawless final act. The way the conclusion immediately ties together all of the unanswered questions that have been stewing in your mind since the beginning, the immediate perspective shift we get on Jess as a character, the simple confidence of straight up repeating all the shots from the first act, and their totally different meaning now that we know the context… good shit.

It makes Jess a much more interesting, layered character: one that doesn’t fall neatly under categories of good or bad, just a flawed, stressed-out mother who made one mistake too many, unable to accept that it’ll be her final legacy and pass on. We see her good sides, her determination, her regret for her mistakes, but we also see the darker side in her temper and quickness to violence. Truly, as the movie alludes to many times, a modern Greek tragedy with a deeply flawed hero.

Hey, why was Heather in this movie, though?

Summer Time Rendering

I noped outta this one pretty quick. Things were already looking dicey when we got both a classic anime Oops Accidentally Bumped My Whole Face Into Your Boobs and a gratuitous panty shot by minute 3, and then it turns out this is a time loop story, and those are our time loop building block events, meaning every loop will start with the boob thing. Then, in loop #3, MC prevents his friend from crashing her bike – the event that leads to the panty shot �� and we get the exact same panty shot anyway from her diving into the water?? nah fuck off

Anyway, normally I don’t record any thoughts for things I drop, but I kinda just wanted an excuse to post this exchange lol

[silvertsundere]

Silver Talks AniManga (24/03/24)

like I said last week lotsa stuff ending this one so lots of yappin this time around, also a new series but summertime render's author which was p nice

also tons of s2 announcements right away which is wild to see

green - new series/new to me blue - finale/completed

Anime

Chained Soldier Ep12 (Finale)

well that certainly was something huh like I said in ep 1 I've known about the manga for years and years and have wanted to read it but just never got around to it, I would've been a lot better off if I did tho the anime did just the bare minimum. the animation wasn't ever anywhere near impressive and the art always looked weird like there was some weird filter over it for some reason. the voice cast slapped tho and the music wasn't half bad either but there's no reason to watch the anime when the manga exists, not just cause the art is way better but especially because they didn't announce or even tease a s2 so it's a safe bet that only with the bare bones animation this was just a quick way to promote the manga and not an attempt to make an adaptation. it's a shame but oh well, I've seen much worse and the great seiyuu line up made it pretty enjoyable despite the lack of any good action will certainly be reading the manga in the future so they succeeded in their goal, tho I was already gonna do it before the anime even existed so did they really 🤔

EDIT: the day after I wrote this they released a little teaser announcing s2 will be coming eventually™ so fuck me I guess

Sasaki and Peeps Ep12 (Finale)

the finale just ends like any regular episode would end??? HUH I guess that means s2 confirmed? but it's still very very weird but anyway, I liked it, it was a fresh take on isekai and it reminded me a lot of maoyuu with all it's economical and political talk (this is a good thing). otherwise it wasn't that impressive, animation and art were alright, tho a lot better than some stuff I saw this season (like chained or rings) and the music despite not that memorable was pretty enjoyable. one of the best parts was the sugita yuuki duo for the main characters for sure. I first watched this on a whim cause of a clip I saw of the voice yuuki uses in this and that one hilarious post about the credits of the first episode but it was worth it

EDIT: today (sunday) the s2 got announced which wasn't that surprising considering the first thing I said here but still

Undead Unluck Ep24 (Finale)

a great adaptation through and through, it certainly got the love it deserves. the shaft staff coming in and sprinkling that recognizable style through the show was very unexpected, but it fit UU surprisingly well and it also served to give it a different vibe from the manga. the only weird choice was cutting out the mob characters from a billion scenes. also some scenes just didn't hit as hard as in the manga like the fist bump from this episode, that I've been looking forward to since ep 1 but it was still pretty good looking forward to future seasons (LOVE spring arc so please) so I just hope they keep the same studio/staff and don't pull a OPM and ruin future seasons

Frieren Ep28 (Finale)

you think this is the one I'd talk about the most but funnily enough it won't be. don't really got much to say about it because just one word is enough to describe it: perfect easily AOTY for last year and also one of the best of all time and that's not even exaggeration or recency bias it really is THAT good it's crazy that this is just the director's second time directing, with the first being bocchi. really bright future ahead of him and someone to keep an eye on in the future I only hope that we get a proper S2 and not a movie like studios seem so keen on doing recently

Tales of Wedding Rings Ep12 (Finale)

honestly not much to say about this, cause all I said about chained soldier is directly appliable for this as well so just read that again and pretend I'm talking about this lol TL;DR: you're better off reading the manga really shocked it got a s2 announced right away like the other but I guess that's what you can do when you keep production values this low

Blue Exorcist: Izumo Arc Ep12 (Finale)

it's a shame how the adaptation is, s1 was really good, s2 dipped a bit but was still good but this one was p weak. it just coasted along and didn't take any risks. not a crumb of sakuga in all 12 of these episodes, but at least it looked a lot better than some of those shows I talked about above at a baseline also they already announced another season is coming, without waiting 6 years this time, with more news coming out for it tomorrow so we'll see how that goes. tho considering it'll prob be the same level of quality as this one, there's really no reason to get your hopes up. I'm looking forward to catching up with the manga in the near future tho, last time I read I was in vol 18 so got a decent bit to go through

Dungeon Meshi Ep12

yknow considering the amount of times I've seen that one panel of barefoot marcille starting the ressurection spell and how people talk about it, I thought the scene would be a lot darker and intense but it wasn't. good episode tho, lots of cute moments not just of farcille but also with the siblings. the cliffhanger was really good too, would've been a great end cour one tho the show isn't even taking a break but anyway, looking forward to hearing hayamin be a part of the main cast 🙏

Manga

Ghost Fixers Ch1

this is a new series by the summertime render, which I haven't either read nor watched but have heard many things about, so I was thought I should give it a shot and hey that was p good, went in completely blind without knowing anything about it and I enjoyed it quite a bit. the art is not as good as the colour page but it wasn't bad by any means and there was a lot of shots with cool composition and neat panel ideas it also did a good job of setting up the universe and teasing how things work without explaining too much yet. the characters and their banter were pretty fun too. I'll be looking forward to this 👍 tho I do gotta go back to summertime some day for sure

Blue Box Ch142

GREAT chapter, but it was also great cause of the whole build up of the match in the last few chaps. I already knew this was gonna be the outcome since chinatsu lost and haryu is a third year and the third year losing to their protegee and "passing on the torch" is the trope still miura did a great job keeping it tense and making you want to root for both players, she's a great author

[alitheamateur]

The Grind-Chapter 28

The eve of fight night fell, and Colton was exhibiting extremely peculiar behavior. Not a bad type of peculiar necessarily, but the man just wasn’t his usual self. When I woke up to head for a swim at Temple, the bed was empty on his side and he hadn’t left a note, or word with my parents as to where he disappeared off to. In fact, according to mom, he must’ve left the house before 6 a.m. when she and dad left for their walk. It was a routine they had with the dog back home, and they had been continuing the morning exercise while on their visit to the city.

When I got to my locker at the gym, there was a single Peony taped to the handle, and a square yellow note tied to it’s stem. The easily identified chicken scratch belonged to the missing man in question, so I tore it open jaggedly to gather some answers.

   Livvy,

Enjoy your swim, & don’t you dare think of doing anything in the weight room. I told Cal to watch you. You have a noon appointment with that girl who does your hair, & a 10 a.m. massage too. I have some stuff to take care of today but be at home and dressed by 6 tonight. Wear that white dress I like.  The one from that party at the Pilot a couple months ago. And don’t eat. I’ll check in later. I LOVE YOU

C

Colton had been a lot of things the last year, but romantic was a new side. He rendered me speechless from heartbreak, pleasure, and laughter on a fair amount of occasions, but this was unfamiliar lands.  Never did I believe such a cynical, wild, tormented soul like his could conjure up the cleverness or the desire to throw together whatever plan he had in the works. But I’d obey the orders, and call mom to steam the crisp white, ankle-length, summer gown he referred to from the office gala event he suffered through as my plus-one, and it’s also the first instance he suckered me into bathroom sex in the family stall. The thin, flesh-hugging stretch of the drapery curved into me, and the low-cut of the back allowed him a subtle peep-show during the owners speech, which had him nearly feverish for a taste of me before the main course was served. I was chatting with Ryan who was seated at our dinner table, when Colton told me I looked a bit peaked and needed a few minutes of good ol’ fresh air. Thoroughly confused, I followed his lead as he took my hand guiding me through the bar area into the public pavilion of the venue. The details are a bit foggy, but I can’t forget the memory of his thirsty tongue licking a bead of summertime sweat from the valley between my breasts.

I concluded on returning to my natural blonde look at the salon, and sang the praises of the on-staff masseuse at SJS Salon on my way out the door. The unwind of my slow laps in the therapy pool, and the exceptional massage had me exuding peaceful relaxation. After the continual sessions’ day & night at the gym, in the cage, in the weight room, at the Pilot, some self-love and spa time was the perfect prescription for a Zen Liv. And I wanted all my tensions free and clear before I met up with Colton for this mysterious evening ahead, so I could fully enjoy the company of my perfectly imperfect companion. Wherever the pathway of our evening led, I knew I’d retire home once it was said and done feeling cherished, and probably horny.

I was puckering to smooth out a plentiful layer of rose-shaded smudge proof lipstick at my lighted vanity when I saw my mother peep around the unlatched door. I looked away from my own reflection to see hers smiling back at me from over my shoulder, as she brushed my hair back curious to discover my earring choice. This overly-feminine, lady-like and sophisticated side of her only child was a glimpse of the daughter she wanted 10 years ago when I was wearing sweats to school every day, and only wore heels for prom or homecoming dances. Mom stayed dressed to the nines every day of the week whether it be a run to the post-office or even a check of the mailbox, so seeing the vision of herself even more so in me now with sleek hair, and a posh taste in stilettos was probably the proudest she had been in a decade.

“Honey, you look excellent! Your little nose healed up just perfectly too, I see.”

Of course, mother. That’s what most important, ay’?

“Yep. It feels fine now. Thanks, mom.” I pursed my mouth, tucking both lips in a stark line and misted a lavish amount of Colton’s favorite perfume onto the exposure of my neck.

“Do you have any ideas what Colton has planned for you? You’re dressed awfully formal.” My mother asked turning her head to survey the final touches of accessory to my ensemble.

“He told me what to wear, and when to be ready to go, so that’s about the most I’m aware of. He’s been pretty shady today. And we both know he’s developed a keen talent for lying lately, seeing as how he managed to get you and daddy here.”

The last text I received from him at 2 o’clock that afternoon was a strange selfie of he and Andrew at the forefront of an impressive Styrofoam cup pyramid they’d apparently built on the display counter at The Grind. Those two had become quite the odd pairing lately, but I was happy Colton jived so well with at least one of my friends. I assumed he just went by the shop for his usual black coffee to-go, and Drew simply asked his assistance on a new merchandise display, which turned into the two of them goofing.

Mom checked her waterproof, step counting watch for the time as she followed be into the bedroom I shared with Colton. “It’s 5 minutes to 6 right now, Livvy. Have you talked to him?”

My heels clacked when transitioning from the carpet, to the tile down the hall. I clicked the unlock button of my cell to place a call to the very man sitting on an arm of the couch in an open stance, with those hefty forearms pushing in his knees. He stood upon hearing the soft tick of my heels step over the rug under the coffee table, and I was able to get a much desired, exploratory look at the very, very surprising dapper two-piece suit he sported. It was an oxford blue, atop a slightly wrinkled button-down shirt that he left casually, and very appealingly gaping open just enough to taunt me with his pecks. He was explicitly, lethal and delicious in the foreign dress of any sort of formal attire. Maybe more so even than those perfectly snug gray sweats I pulled off him on many an ‘afternoon delight’ occasion. That is, assuming I have to have him clothed at all.  

“Well hello there, Mr. Ritter. Someone is looking exceptionally handsome tonight, I see. I must say you wear this look well, babe.” I admired, pulling on the lapels of his jacket to situate the wrinkle of his shirt. I tenderly grazed a manicured nail over the freshly shaved goosebumps of his neck, and smiled romantically looking up to him under extended lashes.

“You two enjoy yourselves! Tony and I are going to grab some dinner, and we’ll lock up when we get back. I’m sure it’ll be a late night for you guys,” mom spoke up, still standing behind me undetected. Colton tilted around me to smile appreciatively at her before she turned in pursuit of the spare room where dad was napping.

“Will you ever walk into a room ‘n not instantly have me wantin’ to rip off whatever you wearin’, baby? You look…you look fuckin’ perfect, Liv. I mean that.” He fiddled with the every-day, dainty, gold letter pendant I wore as he spoke, then touched his pointer finger to the heart-shaped opening at the center of my satiny lips.

I wondered reasonably if we’d ever even make it passed the 4 walls of our bedroom seeing the adamant, alluding examinations we were trading in the silence of our family room.

“As long as you promise to replace whatever it is you just have to rip off, then be my guest by all means.” I popped one shoe-covered foot into the air, and boosted up on the other desperate to touch myself to his mouth.

“Get. The hell. Out. That. Door. Now. With ya’ teasin’ little ass.” Colton palmed the front of my dress to clutch over the warmness of my womanly center.

We altered his plan a bit, and decided my car would be the most practical option for transportation considering the height of my designer heels. Once we exited the driveway, I couldn’t help but blast him with pestering questions, and chatting.

“Just sit tight, ‘ight. We ain’t far. You can hold out a few minutes, Livvy. A surprise here ‘n there ain’t gonna kill ya’.”

I unhappily sat tight as advised and waited a drawn out 10-minute car ride that steered us to a parking meter on the street near The Grinds’ entrance on the sidewalk. The white light of the ‘open’ sign that would’ve typically been plugged in the window was powered off, along with the appearance of any other lights, or evidence of business behind the door.

“Colt? What are w-“

“No more questions, okay? Hold on.”

I watched him shove my keys from the ignition inside the pocket lining of his coat, to jog around and assist me from the passenger seat onto the concrete walkway.  I smelled something fishy, but I couldn’t place a sure finger on it just yet. With one arm clinging around my average size waist and the other holding my hand, we waited for the street sign to change then scurried along the crosswalk. Colton confirmed the time on his watch just as he gestured me to enter the strange darkness of the generally busy coffee shop.  

I couldn’t move much passed the entry mat laying in front of the doorway due to the pitch darkness of the room, so I waited intriguingly for my next instructions. Colton moved in behind me and stepped straight for the location of the light switch he was apparently familiar with. Rather than the hardwired overhead lights of the café igniting with the flipping on of electricity, twinkling, warm garden decorations on green strands taking their place. The dusky glow hanging over our heads bared a table for two waiting empty in the middle of the open floor, and some sort of urbane, bubbly beverage sweating inside a tin bucket of ice. Calm, lazy melodious music struck up, and I finally escaped my confusion to scan for Colton.

“These a’ for you, baby. The best, for the best.”

He offered me a familiar a pink, fluffy bouquet which had become his apparent staple over the last year, and I could smell the odorous fog from gift laying in my arms. Taking a closer look over his face, I noticed he’d groomed up exceptionally precise, and his beard had been combed and trimmed. Colton Ritter may have even been wearing hair product, Ladies and Gentlemen. His matured facial lines, and the barely detectable softening sag around his eyes added a story-telling detail to his aging mug, but I admired every frown line, and ghosting scar.

I rested my arms over his shoulders, dangling the hefty bouquet in my hand behind his back to settle in for a lengthy embrace when a begging, muffled reverberation of hunger grumbled from my empty stomach.

“Well, you did tell me not to eat, silly!” I patted over my angry insides to stifle its interruption.

“I got just the thing to fix ya’ right up. Here. Let’s get you in a seat and I’ll be back.” He took my hand, and I took the seat he offered up, placing the flowers in a waiting vase at the center of his table spread.

Colton lit four small tea-light candles with a zippo frim his pants pocket, and kissed the crown of my freshly washed hair.

“I like the blonde, by the way,” he winked dragging his feet backwards to disappear into the back kitchen.

A few clanging plates and some ruffling feet could be heard as I sat legs crossed, and chin rested on my elbows. Mother Liz always cut my arms with a slap when I would prop my elbows up onto the tables, chastising my etiquette or lack thereof. I repeatedly listed off a careful list of the ‘important dates’ to mark the many milestones of our relationship to assure I hadn’t forgotten some crucial event on this day. There had to be some reason Colton had gone to such odd, starry-eyed measures, and my nosey, sharp-witted journalistic side was beating me to death to get to the real story hidden under wraps.

STOP IT! Let the man have this. Don’t ruin it because you’re a meddlesome pest who can’t just enjoy a surprise.

Just then, a smell so aromatic and reeking of garlic wafted like a puffy cloud of deliciousness into my nose. I inhaled deeply through my nostrils to trace the yummy culprit, and found the man exiting a revolving door that hid the kitchen. He had two enormous, blotchy, grease-stained pizza boxes marked from my very favorite deep-dish joint stacked in one arm, and a covered Dutch oven dish cradled in the left arm. Colt’s tongue peeped like the head of a snake from the corner of his mouth, walking strategically careful so not to drop the hot contents of his clutches.

“So, since you trained so hard, and it nearly killed ya’ cuttin’ out all those carbs, I figured you’d maybe want some’n downright filthy ‘n covered in cheese to hit the spot. Drew tried to tell me I should get some fancy takeout from that place you two are always goin’ to, but I knew this would suit ya’.”

He opened one of the boxes to reveal a cheese deep-dish smothered in sliced, tender black olives.

“You want me to eat the whole thing?” I chuckled with a large goading laugh, and quarter-sized eyes.

“One fa’ you,” he answered sitting himself to open the other cardboard box in his place setting. “’and one fa’ me.” Colton rubbed his hands together anxiously, like a giddy boy about to dive into an ankle-deep mud puddle.

“But you may wanna save a lil’ room for this too, baby.”

I watched as he pulled the sturdy lid from top the black dish, and fluffy, warm steam rolled from the inside. Peeping over the edge in anticipation, I discovered a dark chocolate, gooey treat, topped with whole praline pecans and stringy caramel drizzles.

“Colt, you made that? All by yourself?!” I smiled adoringly when the look of utter pride beamed from his coy face.

It was a turtle dessert my mom taught me to make, and my absolute favorite. Colton had stayed been at my old apartment one night, back before the fight, and said he needed a ‘sugar fix’. The city was covered in powdery snow and muck, with temperatures reaching their lowest degree all winter. Neither of us could stand the thought of leaving the warm solace of my couch, so I whipped up that same dessert for him. We demolished the entire contents straight from the dish, sharing a spoon for vanilla bean ice cream on the side.

“Liz wrote the ingredients down for me, but I remembered pretty well how you made it that night. Don’t be gettin’ all wound up before ya’ even taste it now,” he tittered taking his first bite of pizza.

 We ate majority of each cheesy pie, (him asking for a slice of mine) then hysterically cackled for a good half hour after he sampled (and gagged on) a swig of my favorite merlot from a local winery. When our favorite Bob Dylan tune struck up on his iPod, I asked him to dance, and he obliged hugging me tightly with one arm, and gnawing on the last piece of pizza he clutched to in the other. The raw, real-life imperfections of the moment that would’ve had most females curling a lip in disgust, and trouncing far, far away from a man with such qualities as Colton Ritter, only had me needing his presence in my life more so.  

“How’d you pull this off Ritter? I must say, I didn’t know you had it in ya’, babe.” I muffled with a full mouth of his well-made chocolate cake as I dabbed the corners of my mouth.

“Just called in a favor to my pal Andrew, no biggie. The bastard only made me pay him 200 bucks to make up for his ‘lost profit.’” Colton used his most sardonic air quotes to underline Andrew’s no doubt tantrum for his role.

“You been workin’ so damn hard, Livvy. And I just wanted to do somethin’ to make you feel special. Help ya’ relax and take the edge off of a lil’ about tomorrow night. ‘N judging by those sexy, heavy little wine eyes you been givin’ me, I’d say I did a fine job.”

The excellence of the entire evening, hand-in-hand with now a present buzz of red wine after so many months, made the air around me feel as if it touched my skin like expensive cashmere. My insides felt as if they were humming with muggy decadence, and no unkind thought weighed on my mind.

“Oh God, stop it!” I covered my face, ashamed of his insinuating light-weight insult.

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on, Liv. I ain’t just sayin’ shit right now. I mean that. You’re perfect now, jus’ like this. And ya’ perfect on the couch with your face painted in one of those goopy masks you put on before you check your work email at night.” He leaned over the round table, mazing through the empty boxes, and melting candle wax staining the tablecloth to encase my fingers. Any fool could see there was nothing but earnest passion in his eyes, and a blatantly truthful, sureness in his voice.

“I love you. And don’t sell yourself so short! You are the perfect one. Even with all those demons, and whatever else is hiding in that head of yours.” I wanted to caress and pet his always warm cheek, but the distance between us caused me to settle for a tight squeeze of his hand, and a kiss to his scarred fingers.

“A perfect man wouldn’ta let somebody like you get away, baby.”

“Stop with that! We’re here now. Together. And we’re happy. Plus, there are more important things going on right now we should be worryin’ about.”

I knew I could back out of my fight right now, even the night before, and Colton would support my decision without hesitation, and anyone else who didn’t, would suffer at the hand of his consequence. The reality of what I knew I’d be doing only a few short hours from now, was a frightening one. But, one that I had agreed to for myself at the hands of no ones’ force. I wanted to make Colton proud of me for something more than just having my nose shoved in front of a computer screen 10+ hours a day. I had to prove to him, the world, my parents, and mainly myself that I was capable of greatness. That I had the potential to step out in faith, and achieve something like this with some courage like the old Liv.

“We’ve done everything in the gym we possibly coulda, baby. You’ve done everything. You need t’ believe in yourself like you were always tellin’ me. I’ll be there standin’ in that corner for you, I promise. And if ever you wanna cut it, just say the world ‘n we’ll walk outta there first round. You can do this, 2-1. Clear eyes, remember?”

“Thank you, Colton. For being the man that you are, and sticking with me through this even though we both know you hated the idea. And for all this God, it’s incredible, really. I’ve desperately needed some alone time with my guy.” I scooted to the front ledge of my chair, resting on the table to wink suggestively at the tantalizing specimen opposite my gazes.

“Calm ya’self, you dirty girl. I know wha’s goin’ on up in the head o’ yours. I got one more place I need to take you. Then, I can assure you…. I can really fuckin’ assure you, that I’m gonna get real good and close to every piece of your creamy skin under that dress.”

tags: @torialeysha @eap1935 @littleluna98 @mollybegger-blog

[mountphoenixrp]

We have a new citizen in Mount Phoenix:

                                  Skadi, the Goddess of Hunting and Winter,                                        whose origins stem from Ancient Scandinavia.                           She is now a City Council member and detective at the MPPD.

FC NAME/GROUP: Choi Sooyoung/SNSD GOD NAME: Skaði / Skadi (Mortal Name: Goong Eui-jin) PANTHEON: Norse OCCUPATION: Detective at MPPD, Partial PI during not so heavy work days (and depending on the case); I would also like for her to be on the City Council (and maybe thread about it also) HEIGHT: 5”7 WEIGHT: 50kg DEFINING FEATURES: Sharp, piercing eyes that flicker blue during moments of high emotion, Seriously flawless hair (I mean seriously look at it), tall, intimidating stature. impeccable fashion sense

PERSONALITY: Skadi likes her independence and being given a wide berth of privacy and personal space, especially when meeting new people. Though quite distant, she is never rude (without reason), and tends to opt for polite indifference when dealing with strangers. She can be quite intimidating if you let her stature and eyes get to you; she is a proud, confident woman who has no space in her body for meekness. However, she is anything but dismissive, and can be accommodating enough, provided that you respect her in return. This stems mostly for her strong belief in the idea of karma; that whatever you throw out will eventually find its way back to you.

The giantess has also been known for her strong sense of righteous justice, as evidenced by the famous tale of her seeking revenge against the gods for her father’s death. This is also a testament to her unwavering loyalty to those who matter to her, as well as the extent of just how frightening she could be when you cross her. (See history)

While associated with Winter, she is seen more as a benevolent goddess to help you get through the weather than actually one who brings it. She radiates steadfastness and resilience; attributes one needs to get through the months where there seems nothing. The coldness and scarcity of abundance is not an enemy to her; rather it is what gives her strength and was beneficial in molding her into what she has become. In that vein of thought, Skadi could actually be seen as a bit of an optimist, in that she believes there is always something out there to find even when it looks like there isn’t, but she sees it more as just her being stubbornly persistent.

She has had children with a couple of mortals, and those she bears all go through their own personal ‘winters’ – under her guidance, of course. Like the she-wolf, she looks carefully after her young, but once they show signs of being capable and independent she is sure to step back and let them take charge of themselves. She cares for her children (both actual children and those who worship her) and do make sure to check in on them every once in a while; but most of them have inherited her preference for independence and freedom, so she’s sure to do it at a respectful distance.

HISTORY: Comfort.

It had taken her millennia to realize what was missing after her father’s death.

Þjazi was the world to her. She was but a babe in god years when the Æsir took him from her. She dressed for battle, bringing a plethora of weapons and her righteous fury, and stormed the halls of Asgard, all seething, chilly ice. She demanded from them the recompense for which was given to gods that had been slain by others – the life of the killer.

They were loathe to lose one of their own, knowing that her father had been in the wrong to begin with, yet Odin did not see it fit to provoke her anger, and opted instead to try and soothe the giantess wrath. They say it was her fearsome beauty that did it, that let the gods see the righteousness of her demand; or the unbridled fury that radiated from her. The goddess herself does not know and perhaps never will. It wasn’t important at the time.

They offered her other terms of payment, and with each passing offer her patience grew thin–until they proposed something else.

Marriage! they had offered, for they saw her eyes flicker ever so slightly to Baldur’s direction. Another man to replace the one that she had lost, for her to shower with love and partake comfort in. She stilled, but for a moment, but it was all it took for the trickster to realize what he had to do.

Laughter! Loki had figured as he tied his parts to a goat’s beard and rendered himself at the mercy of her judgement. Laughter to replace the sorrow and disdain, and perhaps she would be more reasonable to deal with, to accept one of the gods in place of her father.

Honor! Odin had promised, not just for her, as she would join their ranks upon marriage, but also for her father. The elder god took Þjazi’s eyes and flung them into the night sky, now reborn as the brightest, most beautiful stars.

Everything had sounded… so comforting at the time.

But the stars never seemed as bright as her father’s eyes did when he looked at her fondly during their hunts. The laughter and mirth was too sudden and short-lived, and lasted less than the pain that the sly god had endured for. And Njord – bless his old soul – as great as he was, could never fill the void that was left by the late giant.

It was a marriage doomed from the start, as he was a god of the Summertime, and she of Winter. But they had cared enough for the other to compromise their own personal comforts for the sake of their union. Nine on the mountain, nine on the sea – until it became far too uncomfortable to bear for both. In retrospect, perhaps, she had expected him to be more like her father, not realizing his greatness was of a different kind. And perhaps he should have also treated her less like one of his court, that someone like her could learn to love the briny depths of the sea, when her heart sung for the chill of the mountains, and the embrace of the snow.

She comforted herself in the fact that despite their failed marriage, they remained on pleasant terms. She doted after his children much like her own, and supported the marriage of Freyr and Gerðr, even as it mirrored too closely hers, and she feared for the discomfort it would cause his heart. She comforted herself with the welcome from her new family, a new one in place of her old, and it would do, for a time. Later on Odin would grant her a family of her own, her offspring eventually all growing up to claim their own kingdoms and make their own homes. And Loki, even after boasting to be first and foremost at her father’s murder, had paid for the discomfort he caused her… one way or another.

Perhaps it was the foreignness of Asgard to her home in Þrymheimr. Surely, her father’s hall, with the familiarity of the gentle snow and the strength of its sturdy mountain peaks, could offer some comfort. For a while it did, and she was content – until the nostalgia seeped into her bones and wore her down harder than any cold would, and the sight of emptier corridors weighed on her fragile heart. It was not her home anymore, she had realized a little too late. It had stopped being that ages ago, but she had mistaken familiarity for comfort.

Everyone else had a home they could return to, somewhere or someone they could find solace in. She would find her own, she thought, as she fled from her mountain to travel to another’s. It was just another prey to catch, and if there was anything she was good at, it was that. Yet every time it seemed like she thought she had finally found it, it would slip from her grasp. It was like a familiar dream she tried hard to remember, but just couldn’t.

She starts again, and ventures forth to another mountain, her soul weary but never wavering. Persistence was second nature to her. The winters had shaped her to endure and persevere–and she would. But she hoped – Odin hang her – that this was finally where she would catch it.

POWERS:

Hunting

Flawless aim – she can hit anything when using a bow or spear. Her aim is still better than others by leaps and bounds when using other weapons (throwing knives, blades, etc) but it is possible for her to miss when not using her preferred weapons, and under the certain circumstances (a faster enemy, her in a weakened state, etc).

Master Tracker – she can hunt down anything. Gods with abilities to hide themselves are an obvious exception, though it is still possible given the right circumstances (target is weakened, etc.)

Animal Affinity – she has a slight charm when it comes to dealing with animals associated with hunting, or pack animals (wolves and dogs mostly, but also some foxes, and some birds of prey). She still needs to befriend them thoroughly, especially if they are wild, but they have a liking for her, and she, them.

Ski-dis / Winter Deity

Lighter than snow – she can walk across snow easily without leaving footprints. She is also faster when traveling on it.

Unfrozen – cannot be frozen even in severely low temperatures.

Winter Wolf – being in wintry weather significantly heightens her abilities and allows her to enter a certain, slightly feral state. In this state, she is twice as territorial, and her hunting abilities are enhanced. Unless she knows you particularly well, it is best to stay out of her range. She will literally hunt down anyone seemingly foreign to her, so new friends must stay on guard.

Cold Rage – heightened emotions and stress can make the goddess’ immediate surroundings drop in temperature. The expanse of its range, as well as how quick the temperature drops depend on her current physical and emotional states and the general climate. At her strongest, however, the most she can do is about 100 yards (the length of a football stadium). It drains her excessively afterwards.

STRENGTHS:

Winter Sports – She is exceptionally adept at travelling over ice and snow so she is naturally gifted at skiing, ice skating, sledding and snowboarding.

Fashion Sense – while not actually a gift, it’s something she’s developed over time. She likes dressing up and looking her best, because first appearances matter to her, and she never wants to look unprepared.

Steel Stomach – she can eat most anything (anything) and live through it relatively unscathed and without a reaction or complaint. Millennia of hunting, foraging and living through the endless winter that she calls home naturally developed her stomach to, well, stomach most food.

WEAKNESSES:

Sunsitivity – being a creature of the winter, she is extremely sensitive when it comes to sunlight. While she’s managed to be able to walk around during sunny days, prolonged exposure to sunlight (or the presence of overzealous sun gods and demigods) can weaken her immensely.

Seagulls – As a consequence of her compromise with Njord during their marriage, the sound of seagulls (and sometimes even their presence) greatly affects her mental state. She gets more irrational and emotionally vulnerable around them especially when exposed for extended periods of time, and at a close range. She can kill them, of course, but she’s often too frozen (hehe) on the spot with fear/disgust/anger that she can’t.

Saltwater – while she is a relatively good swimmer, swimming in saltwater slowly weakens her over time. When doubled with sunny weather, she is prone to ‘drowning’ right there in the water. She has also shown slight seasickness when out on a boat for extended periods of time, which is why she only travels by land or by air.

Close Combat – Her best weapons are the bow and the spear, typically mid- and long-range weapons. While she’s an excellent hunter and is well versed in a number of weapons (As most Norse gods are), she is not as physically strong as the others and can be overcome a lot easier with close combat.

Family – she has a soft spot for members of her family, especially those of Njord, Freya and Freyr’s line, and will willingly put herself in harm’s way for them.

[iges]

Journal Wrap-Up 2018

Jan

      I wonder why I doubt myself, feel so small when my potential is so tall

I wonder why I miss people, but still don't pick up the phone to call

      Duhet te njohesh shpirtin e njeriut,qe mund ti admirosh fytyren

      What do you mourn first? That which you were meant to become, or the many lives you've lived and died on your way to becoming who you are?

      I got a lot on my mind / not enough hours to shed / not enough trust to believe, not enough feeling to care / I'm feeling numb to the world so I been ignoring instead

      Your own people be laughing when you on ya positive shit

      "you're a poet?"

·        "something like that. I like to play with words to create experiences"

      "it's gonna take a long ass time or a hell of a miracle for me to take someone seriously again. Let alone even consider a relationship."

      Living my life like it's golden

      Inspiration is everywhere. But it has to find you working

      Si qiri po me tretet jeta

      When all external affiliations and descriptions are erased; when self-projected facades are defaced; when you take off all the class rings, bracelets and school branded sweaters, who the hell are you?

      I can't wait to get out of this country and explore the world. It's almost about damn time I get out of here

      Can I get a kiss? And can you make it last forever? I said I'm bout to go to war. And I don't know if imma see you again

      So free- don't flee from me

      You make this shit feel like summertime

      Day is yours beautiful. Go remind the earth why it loves you

      The world has said so much to me and I just wanna give it right back to em

      Lovin life above a reason

      Got expensive energy...can’t afford to give it to everybody

      Have you fallen in love with me yet? / you should for a good two weeks / two weeks is best for lovers

      Who is healed?

Who is housed?

Who is silent?

Who speaks?

      How many generations did it take to become feral?

      I know what it’s like to be hardened by the world and all the shit that happens to you. and that’s why I choose softness everyday (or at least try to)

      Move me

      Family. community. Calm unity.

      Love is dope but I’m careful where I place mine now

      That dope ass beat in your heart? Vibe to it

      The words might escape us, but it is the knowing that matters. It is the knowing that creates the experience.

      “Alicia keys aura reminds me of you”

      I flower and don’t apologize

      Every piece I create, creates me. I create to create myself.

      It's very important you take cues from yourself. It is such a wild world full of chaos and chance and if you can see that this is the best part of it, that it's open ended and unscripted, that your fate is your whim, then the vibe hits you and life is the vibe. Often you have to become what you need, and very often the world will punch you in the mouth. You spit out whatever blood may come, you let your eyes give off their wild crazy, and you make yourself into a bolt of lightning. I think if life has fucked with you, I think you get what I mean

      I am wayward careening, losing myself in the next next next, little more than a reactive engine, needing to be touched, needing hot exhale on my neck, needing, everything. Would a fight, would words repented, would a fear of violence, of escape, of abandonment, would an action incapable but accomplished, something to tear the heart through the night. I remain and waste and weather and realize why an organism became a predator.

·        I place compassion in a bowl and set it aside. I crucify the pity I fill for myself and as I resurrect I realize I no longer know you. I do as you and shrug my shoulders and it is all there is to do.

      Turn off your phone before you start making things

      People will tell you you’re weird your whole life till they see you doing your own thing or better than them

  Feb

      Only allowing another body to interrupt long enough for our limbs to tangle like weeds up the side of a brick house, reaching for something impossible

      Most people I know cannot sleep until they crawl themselves through someone else's hollow.

      There are nights when I wish we were all still children, but then again, I suppose we may be or at least there is no other way to explain how we make every doorway our own. The way we stain ourselves and anything else that moves. The way we scream into the dark like a siren & the weeping, yet another thing we never mention in the morning.

      Months later, I fell in love with a coast where my phone calls were no longer currency

      Let the n-word spill out from behind the wrong tongue and paint the entire room a new shade of trouble

·        Doesn't understand how a word can hang in the air and multiply twice its weight before it ever comes down

·        I watch as the air above us gets thick and becomes an anvil of smoke

·        It must be nice to wrap your tongue around all of the words in that song without also asking to bleed out on a sidewalk - the only traces of your body be the traces of chalk on the sidewalk

      A new sharp and boundless city between us forever, or sometimes multiple

      I don’t sleep like I used to under this city's moon. I never got used to eating alone out there and I instead got used to hunger. how small I've become because of these things. I forgot how to talk about distance out loud

      “ya know I knew there was something worth admiring about you. you keep proving me right every day”

      If you get tired, learn to rest not to quit

      You gotta train your mind to be stronger than your emotions or else you'll lose yourself every time.

      A lot of people spend time worrying about all the things that could go wrong. I don't think about those things. Where you place your attention grows. I focus on my vision and understand that just because things don't go according to plan doesn't mean that they're going wrong. The universe is collaborative, we aren't in full control. Focus on what you want in your wildest imagination and let it come into being. I'm recontextualizing anxiety as excitement. Depression is just when I need to modulate my mood. Sometimes it's just time to sleep all day. Rest and dreams are as important as the work. It's ok to feel low. It's ok to be confused. You move and breathe through it.

      It's easy to find your truth in retrospect. What's hard is to find your truth in the moment

      Feeling small again as I leave the city. This restless city…is part of why I'm so restless. Part of the grind is embedded in my bones the other parts are cultivated by this city. When I go elsewhere for too long, my soul becomes more restless than ever.

·        But it is ok to feel small at times. Reminds us of how grand we are afterwards. Refer back to yesterday's entry. Recontextualizing the emotions I feel so I can be more comfortable with feeling them.

      Sometimes people will come into your life because they're attracted to your energy but they'll misuse it for their own healing. Let that go.

      Maybe you won’t get attached to me if I get lucky

      You’re my golden girl/ the sun has been kind to you

      and this body, this skin, this lineage, how can i wear them with honor? how can i find peace in them?

how do i carry on when it seems there are more of them than there are of me? those folks who do not even think of tenderness, do not even care to know their souls?

      to stretch past our current realities toward a future we deserve. to stretch past our own shit in order to build the collective we need.

      Can you dig it?

      I feel like I asked god for it and got back "are you sure? Ok. Just know that everyone can't go."

·        So I'm watching that. And it is tough. But I'm too deep in and I can do so much good.

·        It's lonely out here but beautiful.

      Everyone who has told me they loved me has meant something different

 March

      Officially going to south Africa in the fall

      Fullness is risky business

      Were you looking for someone? As I watched you go? I’m mad because I don’t know what you used me for

      Self-improvement is the best dating advice

      My single years have been the most emotionally rich, spiritually uplifting moments of my life. It is in these moments of solitude that the self is discovered and furthered.

      Creating beauty and opportunity

      I love hard but I don’t give a fuck even harder

      I might be too great alone. Solitude is the wave

      Someone said the whole point of living is to age. I haven’t been the same since

      My dreams return to me. Like seeds shifting in the dirt. I could have a joy unlimited. Imagine that. Imagine that there is a warmth deep enough in the earth to withstand a few chilly seasons of fear. Imagine you blooming anyway. Despite | in spite. Inspire. It's the kinda thing that makes your muscles loosen. Your colors richen. Spring forward.

      I love low lighting and low voices and a low moon. I wish love was easier to give- wish it came with settings. I would turn you on, so that you illuminated us both.

      She remembered who she was and the whole game changed.

      I guess you wake up one day and decide to be strong

      Writing to sunsets while on the road. I think this is the way my life is supposed to go

      It’s funny how overemotional encounters render me emotionless

      Listening to canal st and thinking back to blasting this while I came down from my trip with rumeer this summer. Walked him to the train and then walked through the city with the homies. Walked like a pack blasting music and just talking some real shit. It was a day of so many emotions, so many tears- of sadness for lack of understanding, of happiness for finally making my dreams come true, of laughter for being able to be stupid together. And a night full of raw thoughts. I felt so at one and at peace with myself. I knew myself better at that point in my life than I have ever known myself before, than I know myself now. I can't wait for life to feel that way again.

      Don’t rush yourself, but apply pressure

      As artists, we have to keep reinventing ourselves; we can't ride the same wave forever, for, that's how you drown

      They always ask "where are you now?" in a way that insinuated there were only two places on earth one could be: new york and somewhere ridiculous

 April

      i keep waiting to receive you. i keep wanting, past what's warranted. i keep asking and opening. i keep giving you an entrance. why tho?

      some glimmer of a thing. potential, hope, lust- all shimmer in the dark. i spotted you. to my detriment maybe. you are decadent maybe.

      i'm making you up as i go because you won't come close enough to show me the truth. and because my truth feels better. and because i keep wanting a reason to want you.

      there is no reason why this should end well. but we hang around just in case. i've got to protect myself just in case.

      suicidal thoughts happen on sunny saturday afternoons right alongside the sprout of pink flowers. in a single sigh of relief, there is the joy of being alive for another spring, and there is the exhaustion of having survived another winter. wanting to quit. wanting to stay. pendulum swings. i can't imagine what it's like to not feel both, feel everything, in constant oscillation.

      i moved to america in what felt like the middle of a sentence. childhood morphed into something unfamiliar, something of a memory, which isn't the same as the thing itself.

      some version of me thought it would be romantic if we could connect off the strength of who we were when we were 11.

      it didn't turn out so well or last very long. whatever personality she might have had, she drowned out with drugs and hennessy. and it's strange the way the paths you take can age you. from juice boxes to drugs and sex and a lot of smoke and fog to clog the memories. it does something to you.

      my preferred style of loving is from a distance...like the sun. it's enough for me that someone cna stand in my warmth and stand in their own truth at the same itme. it's enough for me to be a flame, a shining light, a star. except for when i'd rather be touched.

      the real [quest]ion is: how do i create and embody a life i enjoy? what is my power? what happens when i add more courage? let's keep moving to find out.

      the whole point of abundance is

to have enough and be enough

so you don't have to build it all at once

      pardon my bohemian ways

i know i act like i be stuck in a bohemian daze

you said you love me, so don't rush me

love is patient and now you gotta trust me

      buffering, creativity suffering

when you bustlin' hustlin' for the numbers and

you missed the journey if you climbed too fast

      traveler, never falling victim to these calendars

they say greatness gets better with time

so why expedite my prime?

see i'm just a lilac tied to the earth

exuding the fragrance of life and birth

so respect my photosynthesis

my petals, my stems, full of nourishing flow

you thought this was a love song, but no

i just need you to let me grow.

      life is a fleeting thing--and a fluid thing. i am a wave dissolving against the shore--then rewinding. it's not very interesting to some, but it's real. to me, it's fascinating. it does fill the time with something. my unimportance is shimmering under the sun until it becomes it's own beam of light, until i become aware of my light and take flight.

the words don't always come because sometimes there are none. not for what i want to say. not for where i stay. but are to be found in the spaces i need to go.

and so this is how i become a fleeting thing--and a fluid thing. my life takes shape based on who i am and who i become. so i'm living this life like it's my only one.

      What I am trying to say is: I am trying to travel more lightly these days

      i have to live in a numberless now. do i feel alive? have i danced enough? written enough? created enough today? or any other day? will my tired heart renew its strength again? these questions don't care what month it is. when i go to answer them, that is how my life evolves. there is no schedule, no score, no scale that will accurately reflect the tale of my life.

it is happening now. tune in now or you'll be lost in the next episode.

      self pity is just cloud cover. it is defense mechanism against difficulty.

there's no way out of carrying the weight of your own life. and that shit is humbling. because the consequences are impartial to both innoncence and ignorance. whether we know better or not, whether accidental or on purpose, if a bone breaks, it breaks. we can spend an eternity rationalizing the causes, but the effects are here now, and the bone is still broken. they demand to be dealt with.

      most days i feel like everything that could be said has been said. i write anyway.

      trauma attaches to our genes and our choices, and we pass these things on to the next installment of living beings. why is it so hard to fathom that everything is connected, and that the good we do today matters? it matters to our ancestors, our present peers, and our successors... that we heal, we love, and we create. and we do this with the wilderness and joy we were born to do it with. this is a wounded place we are living in. i wish to tend to it already

      when my lungs ebb and release the air, the shore of my soul comes into form. time recedes, reveals the miracle of being born anew each morning. heaven is the reachable pulsating heart in each of us.

      how do we go about living our days there?

      maybe i keep my distance because the best way to enjoy something is to not bother it.

      the sun loves us from a distance. maybe that's where i get it from. getting closer changes everything. it changes your skin entire.

      I feel as though I am sunshine with a pulse

      i have been trying to gather my thoughts, but they don't want to be gathered. they want to roam wildly.

      i am thinking of you and how you could be anyone and how i've written your poem already under another title and another face.

      i just can't go back to a place where everything in life is centered around romantic love. there is so much more important love to me now. a love poem is never just about a person anymore, it's about a person, myself, our dreams, and everything in between that makes us free. besides, what is a love poem, but a pair of wings?

      emptiness is an opportunity. to fill, to fly

      i wanna know why we all aren't laughing, why our mouths aren't all prepared to swallow the moonlight

      i am so warm and willing. it's like glowing from my superpower. it's like knowing what star i came from.

      what are my essential needs?

what has to be met in order to connect?

what boundaries can i unfasten to let more freedom in?

      language is a constant movement in my body--as the lungs, the heart, and the blood. always, there is a charge to communicate. it is the original addiction. i learned early the world is molded by storytellers. i discovered the sentience of a sentence and couldn't return to unfeeling. the call to express is as fluid as a reflex. as natural. as eternal.

at the end of the day, my voice is an invitation to my loneliness. language brings fellowship to my solitude--makes compelling the insignificant. it is a never present temptation. to speak and feel and build. it is an opening.

      sometimes i just like the feeling of not being home. i enjoy the fog and flow between two places. perhaps i'm going nowhere slowly. but to enjoy the relief of being back in familiar territory, you must leave every once in a while to soften yourself against the unknown.

      "how do you know me so well?"

"because i know myself"

      i've been writing about love since i was a child. it was always the loose thread in the tapestry. one tug and you could watch the whole thing unravel. i was 11 when i noticed this subtle energy holding everything together. didn't quite know what to call it back then. but i found myself in a constant flirtation with whatever came close.

poetry is the matter of twirling that thread around my finger, sensing the collective pull as love touches everything. colors are saturated by it. music erupts from it. dreams are made bold because of it. sometimes i will call it by other names:

summer, water, desire, energy, you.

words are for linking them all together, naming the constellations, and finding our way in the dark. words were born from our insatiable need to connect and from the allure of cause and effect. i'm glad for it.

my favorite space to be is here...because i know you'll love me back from the otehr end of the string. one tug and we can watch the whole thing unravel, revealing the raw nakedness underneath.

i've been writing about you since before i knew you by your name.

      i think there's this sweet spot you find when you're discovering yourself that is both private and sincere. you are not obligated to share it. it is a vibe you register as peace or loneliness with a hint of fire and warmth. a heart of sorts. perhaps the heart itself. you are alive and complete, as is. sure, over time, you will glow and erode and merge with others, but there will always be your center. your zero. your infinite. the gift you take when you leave your mother and discover singularity, whether  that mother is a person or a country. you take not of it like hearing the muffled baseline of a familiar song in the distance that carries the rhythm like something of a home. your song. deep down, you are your own. i think this is the love i've been trying to remember and re-discover. she saves me in the end. i've always had quite a strong sweet tooth.

      One day I’ll wake up and it won’t be on the battlefield

      "eating salmon with pumpkin rice and thinking about how many times i've written my existence into reality"

      most people forget what could change another life once changed theirs

      im sitting in my room crying over my progress report from kindergarten because i've literally always been like this. sometimes i forget. but i won't waiver because i can't waiver. i promise to keep holding it down till i'm in the ground. peace.

      remember that spirit bomb of a book i put out? lol. what happened to that?

      yo peace to everyone who understands this shit isn't theoretical

      it's always the motherfuckas with no magic tryna tell you what to do with yours

      inspiration as a force but not with force

      i'm a different soul now than when you first knew me. it's not the same shy timid girl you met. i now know myself, i know what i want from life, and i know my journey. and i am not willing to let anyone fuck with that. so you're either with me or not.

      I am so grateful for this passion. For this creativity. For this fire burning within me

      I don’t know how to explain war language to those who have never had to speak it

      a year of subtle dopeness. it was no accident that i was off campus during my birthday. it was no accident that it was with a small group of good company. it was no accident that i had a great night at the party regardless of those around me. it is no accident that i don't let anybody fuck with my energy lately, even while mercury was in retrograde. it is no accident that i feel like i am floating. though life may feel like a series of coincidences, i have come to realize that i have learned how to be very intentional with my energy and actions in order to create the vibe i want for my life. and i have come to be so thankful for that. it is no accident that i am where i am today. i have brought myself here, willingly, intentionally. love and support has helped carry me here. of myself and others. it is no accident that i feel at home wherever i go these days; that i can up and leave constantly and come back and settle in whenever needed. while still floating. i have learned to make a home of this body and soul. i am learning how to build peace from it. i lay foundations, willingly, and intentionally. with love and support. i didn't just happen here; i put myself here because i wanted to be here (no matter how hard it may be to believe or remember sometimes). i am grateful for this power and awareness. continuing to vibe to the dope beat in my heart; continuing to build my song; continuing to let the rhythm (of love and support) carry me wherever i need to go; continuing to sing it wherever i go.

      Don’t quit your groovy shit

      seeking the sun

      "you've got such a great heart yo. mad generous and loving"

"now i do. took a while"

      Reminder: “if you wanna fly, gotta give up the shit that weighs you down”

      writing is a stimulant. where the blood goes, the words flow, and heat rises to the surface. a story is what we tell when we are most free.

      to execute a vision, you have to trust the movement.

certain things you just can't rush.

namely, Growth.

      I am releasing everything.

      i think i displayed, often, that i cared about your well-being. enough to warrant, at minimum, a little transparency on your end. something, anything, a single word. but distance? silence? why that? why didn't i deserve a reason? i'll live, but it does sting a bit.

      set your anger down and think about who's in control.

      i am a lover, with or without a lover.

 May

      and every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling "this is important! and this is important! and this is important! you need to worry about this! and this! and this!" and each day, it's up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say "no. this is what's important" -Iain Thomas

      i want myself unconditionally. i want my own love. with everybody else, there are requisites. fuck that.

      to write myself in and out of moods.

to create new energy for myself.

this is the move.

      Belonged | Beloved

      against the blue of the sky, this tree was a peacock in a past life.

      There’s not enough room nor time for anger. It’s time to forgive us both.

      how much time does it take to be a real writer?

what does it take to be a real writer?

what does it take to call yourself all that you are?

      i pull sativa smoke into my lungs and feel my muscles loosen

      Notice Me- Migos

as i find my limits stretched, i'm understanding that i'm not in the position to ask for more. my inventory is capped. the things that are already here want to be noticed. and it's about time i notice them. you create space for wealth by giving thanks and taking care of what is already there. i stand in my space and register my blessings: running water, a community to love, unread books, muscles to temper, rage to soften, love to give, my work cut out for me. my advantages eclipse my deprival. society would rather have me believe that i don't have enough any day. it would rather me reduce myself to greed where no life can be sustained. i have plenty i could stand to appreciate more if i know what's good for me. and i am learning what is good.

      i realize now how i always considered babson a temporary destination, always thought of it as a visit. and because i said that before i even got here, i have been treating it as such ever since. when i lost sight of it, when i tried to fully immerse myself, i got lost in it and lost myself in it. it is okay to acknowledge that there are some spaces you are just a visitor to, that you can never truly belong there. even if these are the spaces you are supposed to call home. home is not a place that i call, home is a place that i feel called to.

      i always want to get straight to the heart of things.

      my spirit stayed behind to find the sun.

she has found it and is now catching up to me.

rather than abandonment, i feel nourishment.  

a sentiment known since we felt the shadows of our parents for the first time.

      what am i not tryna deal with right now?

      i just be lookin forever eternally

      lately i've been questioining a lot. most people are fake supportive, and i no longer have energy to give outside of my craft

      last night was a night of affirmations. everything came full circle. my purpose was affirmed, my character was affirmed, my role here was affirmed, and now it's time to go the fuck off.

      there is a lot of tenderness in my life when i know where to find it and when i choose to seek it out. choice is what this is all about. gratitude is the fuel.

      summer in my soul

      i can't do it, not because i'm incapable. because it's not part of my purpose

      looks can be deceiving, words can be misleading, i see blood on my shirt but i'm not the one bleeding

      realizing and recontextualizing.

      i trust myself so much. i trust my emotions. i trust my thoughts. i trust my body. no one can tell me who i am.

      collecting and connecting

      i'm not seeking anyone to fill anymore emptiness. it turns out i never needed that. what i've always craved are simply opportunities to be my most authentic self. love is bigger than two people but can also be as small as one. love is having a place in the world and in yourself. love is wanting a future. love is the courage to keep going. love is a lot more. sometimes a person is not the answer. for me, it seldom ever is. sometimes, most times it is movement. sometimes, it is rain, money, the right song, an adventure. sometimes it is sleep. sometimes it is drug store candy and a day in full of wet windows and kisses. sometimes it is the right album and a hike and a mountain view. all this estate for my mind to run. but a lot of the poems suggest that you have to wait for someone to give you a chance to be somebody. that's what i am here for. to shift the notion that you ever need anybody to give you the permission or opportunity or freedom to become all that you ever are on your own. you gotta know what it is like to feel wanted. i know what it's like and it's beautiful. but the world is still burning. but it feels most beautiful when you are wanted by and for yourself. there is opportunity/freedom in emptiness. to fill. to fly. i am not seeking anyone anymore because this emptiness is not for filling. i’m flying baby. you are welcome to dance with me in this expanding space. but i don't expect you to have the answers, and i pose the same request to you. more than anything, i just want to be myself, in myself, with myself.

fuck all that other noise.

      people here are so concerned with looking busy that they're never actually doing anything.

      how can you ever go wrong with the girls who call earth home

      everybody else is 2's and 3's. you're the 1. i love you.

      i do possess the desire to be understood on the level that touches my poetry, sensitivity, and the playful melancholy from which my rebellious love sprouts. but because i know myself where it counts, i don't beg for it elsewhere. there is no urgency. few people have met me in that soft space of feeling, laughing, and moving slowly. i resented that at first. but it's not a big deal now. alone is how i get to be unglamorous on my own terms.

      i write more than i talk. i like to walk along the beach and listen, walk the city streets and listen. i enjoy giving because wanting takes me out of my element. i don't always know how to explain that to my friends when they call and i don't answer. but if you came to my door, i'd let you in.

      for the sake of compassion, a lot can be simplified. every now and then you want somebody to talk to, and maybe you wouldnt mind fucking them, if they didn't mind it. is it so paramount that we make it A Thing? maybe you only wanna talk or listen or be around, but you don't wanna overstay your welcome. maybe you get lucky and find everything in one person. maybe you find one thing among many, right when you need it. maybe you are all you need, sometimes. i think we ask a lot of each other before we know any better. i feel like we get too high up and too fast, and now that we need to climb down, we are more afraid than ever. we shouldn't be afraid. we were searching for a friend. we succeeded. we don't need to complicate that.

      tired. what's next? i'm suffering. what's next? i'm shedding. what's next? i'm not holding on tightly to anything anymore. or maybe ever again.

      both patient and relentless, this love does not allow me to remain a victim. it lifts and dares me with the same strength of limb- an embrace that is forgiving and urgent. get up, it implores. pushing tenderly. refusing pity. and this is novel, alarming, beyond denial. this love won't let me proceed unchanging, just as the softness of hands shaping clay does not detract from their calculated strokes. it touches me purposefully deep down in my sorrow, demanding its purge. confident in my ability to harvest light. i am anxious within it, yet still assured..that this is as it should be- ruthlessly constructive.

      if you stopped loving me, would you be brave enough to tell me?

      when i was lonely, i ran to love to cure it. i am not lonely now, and that is its own affliction.

sometimes i just don't want to be seen. i imagine living outside the context of my body like a smokescreen. is it such a terrible idea to do things in increments? i wish i could disappear for months at a time without offending anyone. like the bears do. it's not always about you. i wish i was as light as air.

but i am fire. and i must be around so we can stay warm.

the world is allowed to be temperamental, yet we aren't. how come? aren't we of this world? aren't we allowed our seasons?

but fire has no season, my dear.

      "just to hear it in your words"

·        i love how you ask me the things you already know just to be able to hear it in my own words

      you make my desire pure

      croque is my hub of solitude, intimacy, and creativity. it is one of the few places i am most intimate with myself and my work always. and by work i mean creativity, which has always been the work of my heart.

      nomadic in spirit, grounded in character, free in energy.

what an incredible experience to become who i've always wanted to be. so liberating, so humbling, so powerful, so beautiful.

      this really incredibly dope trippy thing in my life has been happening lately where everyone i know, in different circles are all going through similar things. and it's so cool because as they all talk to me about it, it almost feels like they're having conversations with each other. and all my circles are shifting into venn diagrams and life has never been more interesting.

June

      as a child i've always been to myself because i somehow picked up the ability to make myself happy. that's why detachment is easy for me. i know that i'm not the easiest person to like. i've always treated myself like the i'm the privelege and the priveleged. people have expressed dissatisfaction with my way of thinking but it's really not an egotistical mentality. in order for me to believe that i'm the privelege it's because i want to be that. i work hard at being that. i'm always working on myself and my energy. i'm always trying to improve so i can be a benefit to those around me. i'm the privilege because i want to be the best friend, i want to be the one you need. i want to be the one you rely on. the reason i want to be that way is exactly why i choose to treat myself as the privelege. i will continue to do so because i'm a firm believer that my energy will gravitate towards similar energy.

      if i told you i love you but do not want you, would you understand the gift this is, the freedom, the open lane, the life without expectations, which become contracts, and then we employees to each other, checking off to-do lists, holding meetings, taking surveys, sitting and stewing instead of living. i have a notion that love is not a necessity and that this sanctuary and steeple idea is a means to hamstring a wild flight through existence. i love you. i do not stay. humans do not mate for life. they barely know themselves. they forget everything. i am seeking power over my memory, with you by my side, for as long as we choose. i am drifting away. it does not make me good or evil. i am not a scoundrel. i am not salvation. we had life together. it ended. it ends.

      If you don’t get it off your chest, you’ll never be able to breathe

      i think this is the course of my life. i know what i want. my soul knows where it wants and needs to go and it steers me there through manifestation. from thoughts to words to existence. this is the way our lives form. we must choose to shape them.

      don't explain your philosophy. embody it.

      i live in another dimension and i do not have time for things that have no soul.

      feed my soul or get lost.

      go where you feel the most alive.

      "even if you feel lost, everybody feels fucking lost. in so many ways.

the mind is what you gotta train the most before anything

-coffee shop overheard

      if i had a nickel for the times i was absent minded i forget to hit your line

i was minding mine and you just want to see me shine

i was minding mine i meant to mend and make amends

      it is incredible how much love is in the world, awaiting me. i don't know why it's happening now- why i feel the flowers bursting from the valleys in my heart. perhaps they've had enough rain.

the sun cuts right to the chase. i walk to the store that's farther away just to enjoy it longer. i play the same song four times over. the wind is in my lashes. my eyes reflect the honey of the bees. i mean..love turns up in every blade of grass when your mind is open. that's what i'm getting at here.

i'm giddy because you don't realize the weight of worrying until you drop everything and breathe. i can do anything i want to, and that is the hill worth climbing on. love is knowing that i can succeed. peace & joy is the ultimate success. you have to choose which thoughts to believe.

      everything has its own place and pace. and i really like this view. at times, my humanity rushes in towards me. a resurgence of recognition.

i am a limb on the branch. i am a member of the tribe. ours is a life of seasons.

i've got an entire lineage of roots that hold me down and rely on me to lift them up, to keep this growth part of who we are. there is so much love to harvest here. and so i must keep moving towards the sun. i am grateful for all of it. for everything that has built me for all this movement and a spirit that never strays nor stays for too long.

      here comes peace.

i am not here to compete for anything.

falling out of love doesn't make me an enemy.

my humanity doesn't make me an enemy

perhaps nothing is harder than telling the truth

but nothing is more free.

my wings are here.

      i am vibrating love

      i walk in love, never fall in it. might get tripped up in it once in a while, but it is an accessory to my journey rather than a destinaton.

      [feeling my feelings]

      I’m opening up all the channels to love that have been clogged by circumstance

      I’m laughing right now because it occurred to me that I can love myself through it all and that’s a fucking blessing

      Reflections and rewards

      I have unlimited potential. Joy- abundant. What’s stopping me?

      Present at where we are

      your eagerness to create without hesitation is inspiring.

      the difference with you is that nothing gets in the way of your creativity. you live seamlessly. you grow spiritually & it all makes sense. there is so much truth to your patience.

you show others that no matter how long it takes to create something, your work can be timeless

      I’m only out here just tryna impress myself now

      I might love you more than you love yourself. And that might scare you

      Visible light. That is what you are

      water does not resist. water flows. when you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is caress. water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. but water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. water is patient. drippng water wears away a stone. remember that, my child. remember you are half water. if you can't go though an obstacle, go around it. water does.

      but his pride is bigger than his heart will ever be. so the feelings remain silent.

      "you shine like a river when the sun catches its eye during the sunset"

      nobody cares. work harder.

      I’m only at 37%

      they don't like you they like a version of you and when you aint that version its the end of the world

      hey you,

when did you begin to show yourself love?

      what's in front of you?

what are you trying to see?

what are you hoping is on the other side?

what do you believe in?

what are ten things you care about?

what does the world need to know?

what are you getting out from?

what are you leaving behind?

      he say nothing

i say nothing

but i love you

      sometimes, we are both looking for a way out

some days, the exits look a lot like each other

      i know i know i know

we repeat like broken vinyls

      if i don't leave now and go on my path i might (will) get stuck

      i refine my falling outs. i improve the ways i break. i better course my disasters to run into the heart and not the toes. (this way i don't stumble over my mistakes. take them to heart so this way the lesson is learned) i make good the details of every collapse. this is to continue forward in life.

      ferox : wild; Bold; warlike; defiant

      i think growth is so beautiful and fascinating. because there are moments where you can finally find the words to explain the ways you felt when you were younger and didn't have them yet, feeling helpless in your silence and search. and then there are the moments where you feel like that child all over again.

as i write about certain moments, i start to realize the feelings are so familiar. and maybe its the conglomoration of feelings through the years that make it feel that much stronger and intense now.

like i've been here before. i've felt this before. i've known love all along. i've known community all along. i am finally building it for myself. and now i have the words for it all.

      don't fall in love

walk in love

live in love

      roamers & seekers

      we really out here setting ourselves free

      intention and evolution has been really big so far this year

      effort is the only measure from here on out

      and then the vibe hits you and life is the vibe

 july

      i am scared i won't get to finish my sentence in the midst of telling my store. but the truth is: i am complete. i am lucky i got the chance to live. there is more of me now, than in yesterday. i am full and that is all i need to go on.

      i am paused at the spilling point looking back, looking forward scared as hell. in the blur of spilling, i am all the things i used to be, i am in mourning, i am in bloom.

      let curiosity reveal yourself to you.

reward yourself with the pursuit of your dreams.

seek the thrill in your own life.

and lastly, feel no shame.

      to execute a vision, you have to trust the movement.

      don't deny yourself anymore love just because you're not where you'd like to be. or because the thing you wanted didn't want you back. so what, fuck em. show up for yourself.

      In life some moments make you disappear, others make you show up

when Lauryn sings "how you gonn win if you ain't right within"

& i am, oh i am right within for this small & shrinking moment

i am right within for this newborn praise,

because it is a new day

& the rain stopped,

& the clouds cleared earlier

& yes the darkness arrives earlier now

& yes the streets are still slick and humid

but on this day, the children are in them

dodging the street lights with their street smarts & bikes

& they leap across the city streets like they own them

with their knees still freshly bleeding from the last fall

but it is summer now & none of that matters

all that matters is these young bodies throwing themselves into the mouth of two jump ropes

& then into the mouth of the ocean

& this is the only country they know

this right here

 what does it mean to get free when all you know is a country called freedom?

 we speak of a free childhood

& she tells me "this is a great place to grow up but where do you go once you're grown?"

when home don't feel like home no more?

when home can't house your larger & older body

& all that's left to do is throw our bodies into the mouths

of ropes & oceans & each other

just like the good ol days

but these days they swallow us whole

 & so i say then:

make a border around any place where you are loved & call it your own

& so i say then:

make a border around those who hold you up & build a home

& so i say then:

i know the suffering and burning cannot be forgotten

but if only for a sweet second, on this night

we claim a new & fleeting empire

governed by food & prayer from everyone's grandmas

& loud children

& men who drink and play games all day

& these men who know they ain't shit

& their women who know it better but have lived a tried and tired life

& loved them too long to stop now

 & look what a beautiful country we can claim,

on this day,

how beautiful our borders are,

& so i say then to

our new & brief & fleeting home:

how we grow from you full

how we wish you everywhere

how we try to taste you in the air instead of war.

 my face in the reflection of a wave

i am pretty

even if for a brief second before the crash

i am beautiful

look how pretty i am with god slowly drifting out of my heart like dry ice under a ceiling fan

it's 1998 in the tips of my fingers again

sometimes i forget how good the beginning feels until the end

 i dream of rapture

i dream of war

i dream of my mouth forming a blanket around my most secret thoughts

i learn to become small under the shadow of what love i know

it is almost always summer here

even at the mountain peaks cloaked in snow

the mountains never stop moving even after we go

i think about everything forever in the light of the sun instead of dirt

and for the first time in forever,

it doesn't hurt

         closeness. the lengthening of time. the love that rests in a name. the comfort words bring when they describe something perfectly. when they fulfill a purpose for me. when they make sense of all the chaos, and in this, the chaos also does not have a name. at least not one people can ever remember right. she, too, intimidates people. but here she lies. the signifer and the signified, slow dancing together in a small room, drunk on meaning. the dizzying lights of our insides spilling out, unencumbered by a physical form. all this love does not have a name. it can hardly be described, only felt in the deepest parts of the chest where no thoughts go. what have we become? a gnarled thing approximating love. a river overflowing with water. a fire burning with passion. finally, we build up the courage to purse our lips and we call it what it is. chaos turned benevolence.

      i realize i think all my life my idea of relationships--and they, themselves-- was built around always talking and the exchange of words as a measure of connection. both a way to build and resolve. but with you, we just do. i think that is what's most refreshing. instead of exchanging words, we share experiences. & that's why this bond feels so much deeper.

      remembering: the dream is to fly away and write. it is happening. the pages are turning and the wings(words) are preparing for flight.

      ENERGY UNFUCKWITTABLE ALL SUMMER 18

      there is something about this month that feels like a shout! a bursting, pulsating energy. so intoxicating and vibrant

like fierce, courageous, brave, gonna battle my own demons and dance with all my fears

like expanding past limitations that bind me and keep me small, keep me denying how deeply i yearn to love

something feels real honest about this month, and really, this whole summer.

      what magic are you a vessel for?

      Note to self: few can fight like you can, my dear. and your willingness to show up, wave after wave, to do the work you must do in this world is a blessing. thank you.

August

      notice the roles that you cling to for validation. notice the ones that you stay in out of obligation. notice the ones you now have to contort yourself to fit into that you didn't used to. what felt good once, won't always. how you align with others is changing. how you work within your communities is changing. how you work towards your dream, vision, and hope for the future is changing.

change for a lifetime

      i welcome the empty spaces that this purge creates. i remember that releasing what is burdensome yet familiar is far from comfortable, but completely necessary if i am to grow.

      08.12.18 release for departure

      convo with stephen from nov 2016

·        "girl you are a trip, what am i gonna do with you?"

·        "hope you enjoy your stay"

      i do not look outside for what can only be fulfilled within. i do not try to get love, praise, or power from the world. i look for ways in which i can put more love into the structures i enter.

i know that every time i create a space for my own healing, i am making a powerful statement to myself and my life.

declaring that i am too worthy of such a radical act of love, i reclaim any power i gave the world to dictate how well i am doing.

      this is where i come to refill and refuel

i gather myself around the fires of my creative capacities

this is the flame i am devoted to maintaining

      the more i let go of what i think my life should look like, the more i am able to align myself with the regenerative energy of my creative process. i am using my time to discover, uncover, and validate the talent i naturally possess and the work ethic needed to help this goldmine do what it came here to.

      like most things that live, i choose fluency in fire

i swallow the sun squirming in my hand like a seed

      there's a whole lot of time and opportunity on this side

can't waste it

      bop your head get your neck skrong

      it was not a mistake to be open. i was always myself. i was never uncomfortable

(some people hurt you anyway)

i am still the ocean.

      i feel myself healing. this is so powerful. i feel myself winning

release for a new life to occupy the space of pain and loss.

growth in place of pain

peace in place of unknown

gratitude filling to the brim

overflowing with joy

the body stretches and becomes an exit

everything must go except for me

      so many people in cape town had commented on my confidence and how they need it to help them with their own. I think it’s fascinating the small things people notice about you that sticks most with them

      it's fascinating. this is a different type of gravitational pull. i am more grounded with this energy. it's more than intriguing, it's inspiring to these men. and frankly, these people.

      Keep learning yourself. Keep loving yourself.

      Free up ya heart boo

      “yeah but you’re different tho, you stay true to yourself wherever you go”

      be proud of who you are and where you come from: roots, origins, language, accents, food, clothes, culture, heritage, traditions-- all of it.

be yourself because everyone else is already taken. And be proud cuz can’t nobody do you like you

      reclaiming my energy

 September

      keep asking yourself if what you are doing has any energy behind it. if it excites your being. if it clarifies your reasons for advancing along the lines that you are. if it doesn't life your spirit in some major way, it's not going to have the stamina to work in the long run.

      who really gonn hold us down? me

      never know where you go, rollercoaster

all your highs got a low, rollercoaster

      some of us gotta be homes for those who can’t/don’t know how to be their own

      the distance that you have travelled along the healing roads you have tread

lift up how you have mastered some of the hardest lessons you have had to learn recently

praise you for taking the time to process what hurts

      a kind of murder

and i don't feel like writing about protest or poetry of how one informs the other

what choice has america given me but to weaponize my own breathing, to organize every inhale/exhale into a grassroots movement of sound?

      my very pulse

a poem

      do you know any mothers zomibified by grief? working class women who mourn on a sliding scale?

      im stuck at the border and i think theres something in the water

      centered & uncensored

      it is september 7th & i have been writing about birth & death like clockwork. stare at the clock and read that mac miller is dead.

a heavy day of processing

another life lost to substance abuse

& we watch the news

& we see death everywhere

& we feel devastation

& we take this moment to vow to take care of ourselves through the pain of life & growth

fuck man.

      it is so easy to lose yourself in this world

it is so easy to lose sight of who you are

it is so easy to let yourself go

in all the wrong ways

      spiraling into control

remembering who i am

reclaiming my space

reclaiming my time

reclaiming my energy

      shoulda died already

      why the fuck you need me

don’t you know how to fly already

      we forgot our roots before & trust me, things, they fell apart

      my life is on these words, this is my affidavit

      I can’t see a thing but things never been clearer

      We on the same trip / we just got different baggage

      your wounds aren’t always your fault

but your healing is your responsibility

      hashtag we are doing whatever we want 2018 till infinity

only thinking forward

only doing forward

only being forward

      can't fake vibes. synergy. living things in your living spaces (children, plants, pets, spouse) consume your energy. surround yourself with positive vibes and high vibrating energy

      home...is it a building? a city? a country? a state of mind? a state of mine?

      where i seek,

i find,

myself

      travel with all of its clouded and unexpected moments is still the most me i feel. i feel most at home when i am moving between the delicate balance of belonging to my self and the world. i miss my family but in that space from here to there i don't miss any parts of me.

      "she guessed my favorite color on the first try..

but between me and u.....i didnt even have a favorite color until she yelled out yellow!! she was hella excited n smiling like a little kid. so i told her she was right and i havent seen yellow the same since, its in everything. i could probably live in it now."

      there is no place more intimate than the spirit alone

      my family spans the entire globe and I am lucky that I get to love them

      I have so much joy that I don’t feel like I’m fighting anymore

      in a world of choices, I choose me

      you probably inspire people that don’t have a clue what it is you actually do

      nowstalgia - creating moments i will forever look back on & love

      "you have the confidence of like a woman and i need you to help me"

a man writes into my phone at 12 am at a bar in the middle of cape town on a wednesday night. i look down, laugh, and shaking my head, ask, "help with what?"

"my confidence" he answers, looking into my eyes and then quickly down.

the same night, a few hours later, another man stops me and tells me

" when i look into your eyes i see love"

i look down, laugh and shaking my head, ask, "what makes you think it's for you?"

the same night, a few hours earlier, another man finds out i'm a poet and writes a poem in his phone about me

it began with "she is albanian. she is american. she is everything good balanced. she is exotic. she is...."

it ended with "and she is a muse for every nigger to come her way"

i look down, laugh, and shaking my head, ask, "what?"

the same bar, a few weeks later, the same man comes up to me and asks "hey do you remember me?! i wrote that poem in your phone. i wanted to formally ask you if we could work on poetry together. like you start and i'll take it somewhere. i just wanna take you somewhere"

one is a fitness trainer. gets any pussy he wants. still needs help with his confidence.

one is a business man. gets all the money he wants. still needs love.

one is just a man. somewhere between a writer and a regular man. gets lost in everything he comes across. still needs a muse.

still.

needs & wants.

we still.

      loss, tastes like her skin on a bed next to a warm saturday sun. loss, tastes like her mind over emails, over texts, over whatsapp negotiations that travel over art & dreams & what it means to kiss god. loss, tastes like her soul over troubled bridges trying their hardest to stay above water & not burn. loss, tastes like, her heart torn and mended in fear & hope. the heart that sacrificed itself in the name of peace.

loss, tastes like confusion, cuz you know that there ain't no damn nobility in giving up heaven to create peace in hell. and hell, if i could just get a piece of peace, i'd be good and well. loss, tastes like, you need to drink more water and eat more fruit and all the self care trends lost in a sea of no self love, and perhaps, just maybe once the bitterness has passed down your throat, and the water washes it away, once you've washed away the moans from your lips, you both, this time, without teeth, only with tongue, can love again.

and then. you can tell me what love tastes like. the love we lay in.

      I am unwilling to be led away from myself

      i forgive us both for... being passing ships in the night--sails set on separate horizons. what is the point of wishing things were different? they were different enough. curiosity is the current which guides the bow of the boat. and our curiosity led us to different spaces. made us think our dreams on different horizons. who can we blame for the calmness of the tide before the storm came? who can we blame for how quietly the storm came and left? who can we blame on those nights when we had a chance? once enough time passes, once enough distance is gained, it will no longer feel like a loss or a mistake. to not confuse loss with lost. merely the consequence of brevity in a wide sea of opportunity. how were were supposed to know? you and me? who do we blame? you or me? we cannot possibly embark on every path presented to us. and for this, i forgive us. for being passing ships in the night. the storm has passed. it has turned to day. and i must say. there is an overwhelming sense of peace in forgiveness.

      my parents were tasked with the job of survival and i with self actualization. the immigrant generational gap is so real. what a luxury it is to search for purpose, meaning and fulfillment. and when i try to explain it to them and they don't understand, i gotta remember, we don't always speak the same language.

      let it go. you're ready to vibrate higher.

      the old life. is an old life. one you have already lived. one you do not have to keep living. you are too wondrous. for one life.

      feel it. the thing that you don't want to feel. feel it. and be free.

i have been facing a lot of my hidden feelings & demons here. i have been freeing myself.

      they loved me in pieces

in sequels and trilogies

in songs and stories

in ideas and concepts

but never whole.

      i am beginning to come home to myself as i should and listen more closely to the truth. i am not just what i do - not even just what i think - but i am also a unique expression of my parents' genes. i have spent my whole life running from this, just to now finally run towards it. i am an offspring. i spring forward in the summer. i am a river drifting toward one great big sea. i am a brief dreamer. i came from a truly unknown plane where i had no say. but that does not matter because i am a miraculous actuality. nothing is more comforting than this undeniable presence. and the beauty of understanding it. coming back to family. coming back home. coming back to me.

i have arrived & i am ready.

      my voice, not just as my voice, but as an echo of all those that came before me. how affirming this is.

      HEAVEN ALL AROUND ME

      people grow when they are loved well. if you want to help others heal, love them without an agenda.

      healing has been so freeing.

      the next step: figuring out how to undo this inherent guilt.

      be aware of how your voice dominates spaces.

how much space you are taking up

take note:

when do you feel big in a space?

when do you feel small?

how big are you actually? (vs just how big/small you feel?)

      closure like collision

      i remind myself that anything i repeatedly imagine is also imagining me

October

      movement.

there is no way around complexity. everything is touching and leaving (its stain, shadow, mark, vibration) in passing.

we live such residual lives, like the ocean tides.

we seek communities that might best master the mess of it. and yet, the way we are deeply alone in our minds- that is its own kind (of art, mess, playground, salvation).

the heart told us about oscillation, showed us what a throbbing web of nerves is able to accomplish.

there is no way around the intricacies of humans being. of energy being.

      i'm nothing if not forthcoming / i tell you / i show you / i give you me freely / if it's wasted on you, then that's on you / i give up making it my problem / i give up making demands / you lose / you win / whatever you want / we will sleep fine at night / won't we / i will keep my heart sweet / won't i / i'm nothing if not healing / i tell you / i show you / i feel you / i heal you / we will keep our love sweet / won't we

      it's been a while, so the smoke travels down our legs slowly, and it feels like we are taking root. we share cold mango juice to stave off the humidity and the cottonmouth. sometimes our fingers interlock like the tree roots, in the middle of the night. the clouds rid us of our names. we are down to our breath and our skin and a conversational silence, lit at the bud's end. blooming at the center.

      this weekend was...

paradise

a trip

a journey

climax

cloud 9 and everything above it

freedom

this weekend i let go

i let myself do what i never do. i let myself feel and fall

i've held on for too long. the price to pay is a heavy one, but it is all worth it. for that sweet taste of sensation after falling into temptation. for that sweet sweet lovin you love on me with. even if just for a day. it sustains me for months. it stays with me for years. the love we encounter carries us. but you must let yourself fall into it's hands, let it hold you & console you tightly. feel the way it heals, patches up wounds and lets them reveal the beauty underneath. fresh flesh reveals itself. heals itself. "there are bits of god inside all of us" he tells me as we speak of our natural healing tendencies and our strength and resilience as we make it up this final stretch of a mountain. our legs on the brink of giving up but our minds not letting us. our hearts just catching up. "everything is connected when you really think of it"

      there is always someone to love.

that someone is me

      a study:

did you leave my life better than you found it?

did i leave your life better than i found it?

      distance/absence makes the heart fonder/grow the fuck up

      Ubuntu

      intention behind creation

          (?)

      growth at the expense of what?

      our parents think they always do whats best for us but they fuck up along the way. and that becomes a reflection on us. how we deal with it on both ends determines whether that mirror reflection shatters or gets mended.

      we are just enough. we've come such a long way. we may not have had the right examples of love but we have grown and nurtured ourselves to a point where we love people in a way that sticks.

      midnight rain and the thought of your hands in my hair. i pillow my head on whispering darkness that envelopes me like a sheet, while i search blind for your light. extend my hands in volition, in surrender, to feel your body crystalline against mine. tell you how limestone tastes under the weight of years. all those lives calcified. meanwhile, time is running, reaching around the moon for me tonight. she knows the spaces between artery and vein, in spaces between depth and vain, the in and out of heated blood, the in and out of beating blood. meanwhile, on the horizon, lighting licks the mountains into a brisk and subtle start. you sleep by open windows to let the thunder and lightning lull you into quiet. i lie awake with constellations tucked between me, touching nameless skin, giving name to this life we live under and in.

      sometimes the only way onward is inward

      a word:

i don't think we (as a culture) fully understand how hard it is for artists to exist in 2 realms:

reality and whatever the universe is where we constantly travel to find inspiration, imagination, concepts, etc. we often find ourselves battling depression and at war with ourselves because we're not really equipped to go on the human part of this journey while time traveling between the two. it's weird. i don't know how to explain it fully because we're like here but at the same time we're always elsewhere. and people don't know how to accept that. and shit, sometimes, neither do we. but this shit is so real man.

      the question accompanying the poet like her shadow under the sun is: who am i to be so alone? who am i if i am not with another? the demand for another is always mute but piercing. all these texts ask for another and all the poets ask for another, but not so much another person as so much another tongue, another language, even for a foreign language perhaps, because the essence of poetry is to find strangeness in language.

      "tiring

yet inspirational

warrior"

-cory

      today feels still and spiraling and solid all in one. it's been a reflective time and now its go time.

i'm grateful for the work i do. i'm learning a ton.

i have to remind myself, as i look around my life, that this position is temporary. i fear sometimes that i'll be stuck here reliving the same day until i die. all my life, folk have called this stability. without a plan for elevation, that's stagnation. i've been quiet for the past few days, planning, and praying, and listening to myself. tuning in. is this a turning point or a tuning point? you decide

there's nothing about this, or perhaps everything about this, is poetic. i'm trying to stay focused on growing into the very best version of myself amidst all the movement that is my life. some moments are overwhelming. some, you sit in the center and remind yourself how beautifully solid you are.

      when the right energy comes around you

the wrong energy gets nervous

      an unhealed person can find offense in pretty much anything someone does.

a healed person understands that the actions of others has absolutely nothing to do with them.

every day, you get to decide which one you will be.

      so we're sitting in a tent in darling at 5 am with a group of people who were complete strangers just a few days before (Ayanda, Tando, Chat) and once starts speaking in Afrikaans and the other responds in Tsutu and another answers in Xhosa and they're having a full conversation across so many different tongues. and understanding each other through it all. and i look up and the moon is tucking away under a brighter sky. and once again, it hits me that i'm here. i'm in the middle of south africa. i'm tripping the fuck out. such is the beauty of language. of life. of journey. this shit is so beautiful, i almost can't believe i'm in it. all the love & light.

      once you have flown,

you will walk the earth

with your eyes turned skyward;

for there you have been

there you long to return

-leonardo da vinci

      of all the people in the world, you talk to yourself more than anyone. make sure you are saying the right things. in the right ways.

      travel is not reward for working, it's education for living. - anthony bordain

      i've come to understand and accept, after years of famishing my joy on a diet of self-excusing grievances and fighting against the sweet and bitter aroma of purpose, that life is in fact gorgeous. even when it is making beauty out of our ugliest ingredients. i think of this now, this moment, i am on the cusp of manifesting gods in the presence of my enemies. this, while the world i know-the me that i knew is commanding change and death (the only things guarunteed)- a carving away of unhealthy thoughts and habits. i know we're taught through various trendy doctrines to point the finger at the world, but let me be honest here: i am the only enemy i have ever known.

this fire of death & life has happened so many times and i just wasn't ripe enough to humble myself to its knife. the demand to remain present during the discomfort in your shoulders as wood and wounds meets ceramic and regrets, as the anxiety about a pledged future churn through your mind, is just as beautiful.

i don't believe it's too late. i do know that i have to plant myself, learn all the things i didn't know and unlearn all the things i thought i knew. i know that i don't need to hang out in hopes of tasting community or family cuz i'm feeding myself. i don't need validation cuz the recipes are already laid out in front of/ inside of me. life ain't perfect, but the truth is, nothing can stop you from forgiving yourself and healing, but you. nothing can make you know, beyond a feeling, that you're deserving of every good & perfect gift that you are blessed with. there is nothing, not a goddamn thing that can devour a hungry soul.

and for that, stay bold & keep going.

      the woman that i'm becoming gives me chills. i'm obligated to move differently. i have work to do.

      me sharing my story allowed me to grow away from it. with every book i sell, comes the realization that...it's just a story. even though it's mine. i have books circulating the entire world right now. i let it go. and i'm still building upon it.

      your entire life can change in just one year. you just gotta love yourself enough to know you deserve more, be brave enough to demand more, and be disciplined enough to actually work for more.

      you won't always be motivated, which is why you have to be disciplined.

i am mastering motivation. and i've come pretty close. motivation is everywhere but it has to find you working. i've been working nonstop here and it has found me repeatedly. continuously. exhaustively.

next to conquer: discipline.

      until you flip your perception on its head, you'll be stuck in the same position

      vision keeps growing clearer but i keep losing focus. gotta change my lens maybe

      what if i picked up the pace?

what if i actually started running the race?

      what kind of media are you taking in?

      throwback to this gem from stephen: "i don't want you to experience disappointment for disappointment's sake. i want you to experience disappointment for what it feels like the next day"

      saron: "people need to realize that your existence isnt to be their escape route"

      if the heart isnt in it, the blood doesn't flow

      how repetition has grounded me

through words

through gestures

through experiences

      worry bout yourself and don't worry bout nobody

take care of yourself and take care of your body

      restructure & reroute

      pay attention to your heart / never go astray

      closure is an unknown variable. always. i always have to heal without it. always. nothing helps except time. and it can't be rushed. if it takes a thousand days, if it takes consecutive journal pages asking why to an unresponsive reason, so be it. until the scar fades. until a reinvigorated life overwrites the old one. i go forward with the wound open.

      feeling for harmony between the ridges

      what are you taking personally instead of taking as an indication of what to heal, bring to consciousness, and bring into therapeautic spaces?

      if it hurts, it needs your attention. tend to your pain points.

      wish everyone the best cuz i know where i'm headed

      woman as appendage

woman as appendix

      a soft & pursed smile

a soft & cursed smile

      the thing i came for:

the wreck and not the story of the wreck

the thing itself and not the myth

the drowned face always staring toward the sun

      not all loneliness can or should be filled or fixed. some of it should continue to exist exactly as it does. solitude is the default state. there is a single presence here: self-recognition. i am alive, and that all i truly know for sure.

or.

the default state is community. my first village was my mother. my second was the landscape. my third was the village that carried my three year old body. i was gifted with loneliness the morning i was born and torn from her womb. when i seek communion, i am dreaming of the womb from the beginning- before i was a name or number- where life chose us. it is a series of solitude which follows that first choosing.

but.

sometimes i miss you anyway. i dream of linking our loneliness, forming a single presence through the filling. love as a filling of sorts. we are deeply alive, and love is how we taste our first choosing together. you remind me of the beginning of time

      this month is full of aweh's and yebo's

i love how this language always affirms people

they have words for "i hear you" "i see you" "i feel you"

      ingesi is how you say english in isiXhosa & in Yoruba

gesi means electricity in zulu

·        slowly uncovering/creating what my name means every day

      so i recently found out that my book, my baby will be featured on a syllabus at the University of Cape Town to be studied as a subject of American & cultural literature & poetry. I don't yet have the words for how powerful this is or how I feel or how this is beyond my wildest dreams. I am beyond honored that my work has not only landed but is to be studied in one of my new beloved homes of Cape Town. You know, you start writing your story and one day, you muster up the courage to share it in hopes that someone will relate and it will help heal them as it is healing you. But it's a whole different game when you begin to get asked for it, when people are seeking it, when people are studying it. It's an inexplicable feeling. I don't have a lot of words right now except for these: I am so blessed. To the students that will be studying my narrative while I fly back halfway across the world: you are who I do this for. It is people like you that keep me going. People like you who, when I stop along my journey and crippling self doubt asks "am I really supposed to be here? what am I really doing? why doesn't my progress look like anyone else's?", it is you that answers. that affirms me. To the culture(s) that raised me: you are who I do this for. To put lil ol' Albania on the map as a place rich in culture and people & let em know we have a story to tell too. To help us find our voices. To my third culture kin: to remind everyone you can be both Albanian & Brooklyn & you don't have to pick your identity. To my beloved friends that have become family: you are who I do this for. for, your endless hypeman antics keep me going. & your incredibly talented spirits keep me inspired & motivated. To my parents: you are who I do this for. Trust & believe. The point is, knowing and staying true to yourself & your journey can get you through anything, and take you to heights you may have never imagined. And I stil can't believe any of it. Because I took off the earth crust and flew. Because I am still landing. Because all the while, my support system keeps my moving spirit grounded. I am in a place of unshakeable peace and happiness as I vow to live my truth wholeheartedly & unapologetically. The power in our stories is something that cannot be measured until it is released. If you asked 3 year old Gesi if she could have ever imagined something like this, she would tilt her head back, releasing an uproar of disbelief and laughter. & then go climb some mountain somewhere. Here's to soaring. Here's to our release, to our healing. Here's to our dreams surpassing themselves. Thank god, thank self for finally becoming who I've wanted to be all along. The woman I'm becoming is scaring me and I'm loving every second of it. All this to say, I am in love. All this to say, how far I am. All this to say, colors in every direction.

November

      how is cape town framed to the foreigner?

      what kinds of tensions are around you right now?

what is your tension?

what are your resistance practices?

      we want to get all our ends of the story

      you are building an archive of perspectives here

      anything i do going forward has to water me back

      you don't break habits; you only replace them

      an era of release

      fears that go unfaced become limits

      and i am letting go to make room for my breathing

we often forget to make room for the things we need most; the things that keep us alive.

we don't think about breathing so we don't make room for it. to change this

#gratitudeistheattitude

      the question is: how do i want to live the rest of my life and what am i doing to insure that i get to do it exactly or as close as possible to how i want that living to be? i want to live the rest of my life, however long or short, with as much sweetness as i can decently manage, loving all the people i love, and doing as much as i can of the work i still have to do. i am going to write fire until it comes out my ears, my eyes, my nose--everywhere! until it's every breath i breathe. i'm going to go out like a fucking meteor!

      i want to live as shamelessly as possible. i want the full lightness of freedom. i want the orgasmic quality of being who and what i am.

and i want to be enjoyed or left alone. nothing in between.

      words are our timekeepers. our balconies overlooking our lives. our conversations. our merging

      woke up wine drunk and happy. woke up to a joint rolled and ready. woke up to a lover laying next to me. woke up to a cup of tea. woke up at 4 am to the hoxha singing prayers from the mosque. woke up and felt my gramps spirit. woke up and cried in a spiritual experience. woke up and fed my soul. woke up in love. woke up in a tree house. fell asleep & woke up to a new life every time i opened my eyes. two lovers in Bo Kaap

(a short story that reads in both words & pictures, forwards & backwards)

      listening to Hookers on the corner and almost missed my light

·        almost missed my light these past few weeks

·        had to remind/remember who i am and why i am.

      Goddess of Growth

keeps showing up

i welcome her with open arms every time.

      jupiter last travelled through your 9th house from late 2006-7.

what did you learn?

where did you travel?

what did you publish, seek, and find to be true for you then?

what similar growth spurt are you experiencing now?

how is your current exploration, expansion, or learning a continuation of that time?

      everything good and long-lasting requires our effort. yours is needed but whatever you give to yourself at this moment is matched by the universe's benevolence

      the 12th house is also about the work we do behind the scenes, this transit is especially beneficial to anything in its creative incubation. protect it. expand inward with it. watch your inner life for inspiration. keep watching the ways in which your projects take shape when given the right space to safely grow

      bad energy (stay far away)

      keep my shades on cuz they tryna see the vision

      homie said greatness and nothing was the same

      i told him i need some space

real busy body, never stay in one place

      in the past week, a couple of different guys have confessed love/strong feelings for/to me. & along with all the other heavy shit going on around me right now i'm caught in a whirlwind of overwhelming male energy. and so i had to step away for a while. i've had to use the past few weeks to really ground myself. the universe is testing me in the space i'm in right now. there is some overwhelming aggressive negative energies around right now. this is her testing how my grounding is. because i'm still floating. but i had to come back down. she wants to know just how hard i've worked at grounding and healing.

      there's also a lot of new energies around. some of them feel quite destructive. this is her testing how i will react/respond/move accordingly.

      i am just in a space where if you are coming into my life to interrupt or distract me in any way, just stay away. don't come in at all. no interruptions or distractions welcome.

      i enjoy most things. almost everything. yet i have some restless searcher in me. why is there not a discovery in life? something one can lay their hands on and say "this is it". perhaps i've felt it before and haven't known. perhaps i've felt it too many times that it becomes numb and unknown. my depression is a harassed feeling. i'm looking: but that's not it--that's not it. what is it then? and shall i die before i find it? can i live for it? then, as i was walking through rondebosch square last night, i see the mountains in the sky, the great clouds, and the moon which is risen over cape town. i think of how the sun rises over the city & sea and sets behind the mountains & into the sea. i wonder what kind of intimacy that must be. those last few moments of glimmer and light before she tucks away below the horizon into another world. those first few moments when the sky darkens to the moon's light. let's it shine bright. i wonder what kind of intimacy that must be. i have a great and astonishing sense of something there, which is "it". it is not exactly beauty that i mean. it is that the thing is in itself enough; satisfactory; achieved. a sense of my own strangeness walking on the earth is there too: of the infinity oddity of the human position; trotting alone rondebosch square with the moon up there watching over me and the clouds sitting like a tablecloth atop the mountain peaks. who am i, what am i, why am i, and so on: these questions are always floating about in me, and it is only when i am flying that i have a sense of an answer. and then, i bump against some exact fact-- a letter, a person, and come to them with a great sense of freshness. and so it goes on. but on this showing, which is true, i think, i do fairly frequently come upon this "it", and then feel quite at peace.

      you never know what the child's reaction is going to be: either break down or the child emerges solid as a rock from the experience

      he wanted to fuck her once, but that doesn't mean much. that's the laziest desire. a flimsy thing. she wanted her soul sucked clean. she wanted something as tough as god. could not find it among men but hoped still, for the next best thing.

she wanted it to be you.

      i am not in a rush to do anything anymore

      depression is what it sounds like. and beyond. it is a sinking of sorts. it is a darkening. it is a gradual thing but also something that knocks one day and enters without asking. you feel the downward spiral as you bore through the earth of your life, surrounded on all sides by sullen ideas too thick to get out of. that happens slowly and without much effort over the course of what could be months or years. and before you know it, the very shape of your breathing has changed. this is what i know.

but i also know that healing is possible. but it happens slowly and takes twice as much effort. whereas depression feels like a falling, healing is a digging and pulling. it is digging into the deepest parts of your soul so you can finally face them. i forget that it took years to bury myself inside my sorrow and it could take years to climb back up into my light. but that is my time to take. perhaps i'm not ready to break my heart in new ways. and perhaps it will be a while before i'm dancing every day again. but no longer do i shy away from the shadow of where i've been.

i've started dancing almost daily again. tonight, i danced with her, with all this earth around me, tasting every trace of light within me.

      i look for ways to say i love you but i ain't into makin love songs

      i'm findin it hard to settle i want it all forever

      summer in november darling

      what's your november?

      cafes are where i process the world around me

      losing my fucking mind but chilling at the same time

      I shouldn’t bleed this good or often

      all i am is everything and nothing at all

all i am is a shoulder for your heart to lean on

all i am is love

      processing...

slowing down...

      there is a wave of loss and grief coming over the people in my life again. we are all tuned into it and the synchronicity is this overwhelming but also comforting feeling. the universe is trying to teach us something here. about attachment. about letting go. about releasing. about healing. it is an era of release all over again. which is a frequency i've been riding throughout this year, but this time the wave hit me quite hard because the loss is more tangible. but it has gotten me to look at things differently. as my time in south africa slowly draws to a close, i have been thinking about the proper steps to transition myself out of here and back to new york. the difference in cape town is, i don't feel a temporality in it, like i do with every other place i go. i have truly made a home for myself here and it is grounding point just as much as it is a moving/flying point. but maybe this is what i needed. there has been a really aggressive energy surrounding me these past few weeks and maybe this is the doing away of it. can't tell if i'm numb or calm at this point but i'm hoping its the latter. i'll see better in retrospect. but for the time being, maybe this marks the beginning of this era of release. at the end of the day i'm still livin and lovin and everything in between. love & light.

      sun is alone too. still shines.

      i'm most upset about the ideas i lost in that phone. the cape town overheards amongst other shit. art ideas and projects. i am glad though that i'm such a journal freak and that i have scatters of jounrnal thoughts spread in multiple books and online thoughts. but. lesson learned. backing up is extremely important. beyond that, it is a lesson in inspiration, motivation & discipline. which have been themes i've been meditating on a lot lately. inspiration & motivation are everywhere, but they have to find you working. discipline, however is what you gotta build to make leeway for the rest to flow through. an opening of sorts.

      feet hurt today. they are asking me for more grounding.

      the tools you created to survive won't serve you when it's time to thrive

      we create defense mechanisms to shield us against the trauma of our youth but they can be damaging once we are out of those situations & will often lead to self sabotage

      closure doesn't come. there is only an ever-growing distance between then and now. and the old thing is interwoven an overwritten

      the answer is still the same:

you won't get what you want till you work on what you need

      at your best, you are love

you're a positive motivating force in my life

      though this feeling of solitude is familiar, the strength that allows me to embrace it is refreshing and new

      i got angels

      invoking the angels in times of need. for guidance. for protection. you can't move how you've always moved. like everything is just as normal as it used to be. because it just isn't.

recognize how you shift the space of a room when you walk into it. recognize that for who you are. as much as i just want to be normal and move as such the universe keeps showing me that things aren't what they used to be. and how i see myself is not how people see me. and so i gotta move differently. suddenly my identity shifts into this liminal space in a venn diagram between how i see myself and how people see me. and once again, i'm caught in between.

      bottom line is, believe in yourself

      i've got too much love within me to choose being bitter and closed off. i've just got to be more careful and selective with who i dispense my love to.

      i'm sure there's a lesson in all this but it's so hard to keep tuning in cuz i'm so fucking exhausted

      nothing says focus like distance

i know i have something to tend to

tis the season

      [feelings redacted]

      sometimes the universe will take everything away so that all we have left is trust

      making my mother miserable by creating something that will make her proud

      the words may escape us but it is the knowing that matters. It is the knowing that creates our adventure. (harris)

      love yourself so that when love comes it is not a stranger

      do your best, leave the rest

can’t take care of every fucking thing

December

      just read the signs its clear to see

to heal, it takes some time

      woke up in the sky

      harris running through the hall into the door with his hands full of things yelling "where is my girl?!" is a feeling i want to feel forever. so much joy. so much warmth. everything is forgotten except for each other's company.

      my least favorite thing is having to answer to people. i dream of a world where i can live and be myself wholeheartedly and not have to worry about answering to no one. a world where i can disappear for a while and not have to constantly update people. how freeing. how freeing that i am slowly creating this world for myself.

      i aint askin why no more

taking it all if its mine

i never did know how to stay within the lines

only knew how to fly

      bullets that don’t carry the names they take with them

      all this chatter bout movement / tell me something by doin it

      I ain’t been comfortable / that’s bad for the soul

      albums of 2018: flower boy, saturation I II III,

astroworld, kamau's urth,

      finally flipped my perception and got in the drivers seat and driving on my own side at my own pace.

and now i have to leave the space that helped me do this. while also carrying everything it taught me with me

      for the first time in a long time, my heart and soul are in the same space that i occupy physically

      "so who's the lucky man?"

"hahaha nobody. i'm the lucky woman. i belong to myself, first and only."

·        i hate how people assume that happiness and joy and carefreeness is attached to a belonging to a man. fuck that i been making myself happy this whole time.

      all of a sudden, the people i been admiring from afar for years, this year i have been attracting. it's not even a forced or predictable thing. it's a gravitational energy thing. when your energy is right, the right people (some who you would've never thought) come into your life and contribute to it.

      i switched the time zone, but what do i know?

i could fly home with my eyes closed

and you could find me, i ain't hiding

      almost got stuck in oblivion

      exoticism under a microscope

      my soul swollen

my wallet empty

      either way you golden

      GoLD [moving STiLL]

      feeling kamau's energy heavily lately

      our time together was brief but so intense [as everything with me tends to be]

but the energy exchanged there has stayed with me. and continues to show up randomly when i need it most

feeling MuRiN most in times of transition

      i just let it go

we don't ever know

where its gonna go

we go with the flow

we just let it go

i already know

that we're gonna grow

      like the way the world goes round

funny how it all comes down  

      figuring out how to cultivate and encompass longevity

      cuz darling i wake up just to sleep with you

      i hate when people disappoint me. and i don't get disappointed easily.

      it's just like fuck man.

i dropped so many guys for you. cuz you showed me better and then i didn't care for them because they didn't fulfill me the way you did. but i never told you/showed you that part cuz it didn't matter. all that matters is that i showed up for you. time and time again. and you left me hanging. time and time again. now i'm tired. & you're timeless.

      i'm not even mad really. i'm just fuckin sad. like i gotta say bye to all the love i've built here. and the people involved are just making it harder. i don't understand why guys always act up before i leave. i wish they would just fucking be normal so we can enjoy the time we have left fully. instead of, i feel like i always spend the last week or so trying to mend weird energy and arguments so we can part ways on a good foot. but my feet are fucking tired. and so is my heart. i just wish people were as kind and understanding with their love.

and just stop being so fucking petty man. like i get it i'm leaving. but we been knew this. for months. we knew this before we even started things. so why let that stop us now? can't let that end us before we end ourselves. can we just be grown about transitions and departures? can we talk about it? can we communicate our emotions through the process? can we let it be a natural flowing process? can you ask me how i'm doing in the midst of it? instead of disregarding the tough shit and creating more for me to deal with. can we just groove? you see the way we make each other move? fuck all that other noise. at the end of the day, it's just you and me, for as long as can be. until one of us has to leave. until then, can we let that be?

      i'm always leaving. that's always the cut off. i'm always leaving one place and off to another. i wish that didn't always get in the way. i crave a lover who is willing to understand that.

·        the only thing i crave is people that love and understand my moving spirit without trying to change it

      heavy influx of emotions this morning as i work through the growing pains of leaving again.

      gratitude as grounding

      i've got love all over me. written all over me. hanging all over me. wear my love on my sleeve

not the whole heart, but in parts.

to think of all the parts of my heart

the parts that ground. that strengthen. that heal. that love.

imagine that. all in one organ. all flowing through me. relentlessly.

how can i not be in love with life?

      i think it's time to step away from this space to fully understand and contextualize what this all means for me. i have my work cut out for me. i need to understand what this all means for me so i can do the work to bring myself back here. i know now that cape town is part of my journey. it is a home base for me. a grounding point just as much as a moving point

      "make sure you stay soulfully grounded in this transition. and keep your inner compass intact"

      i said greatness

& nothing was the same

      free till i evaporate

my whole body see thru

      been crying every day for the past week. let these tears be the fertilizer for the growth that is about to take place.

loss as a release to make room for the gift of abundance

      2018 has been a year of so much loss/release

i know there is much abundance coming my way that the universe is making room for.

i also know i have to put in the work for it

      "i'm happy for each day that i see you smile. such comfort and a blessing. a good source of strength."

Response/title "i'm trying to feel again"

a whatsapp convo between terrence and his sister

      you already writing the story, might as well a book right? why not?

      same time tomorrow

      overheard: "i pray every day or at least talk to god. and its like i'm always begging for immortality"

      they never bothered to understand me until i understood myself

      they only listen when you speak your soul

they only see you when you see yourself

      break bread with me

better yet, bake bread with me

      we be so worried about how much we need the dough

we forget the little things we need to know

like how to knead the dough

if done properly it won't spread so thin when your people show

      here i am.

i'm grateful for the aura of protection that allows me to explore my creativity and time on this earth. i'm grateful for believing in myself and my own potential. i'm grateful for the love that guides and carries me

      DONT LET ANYONE TELL YOU THAT YOU CANT DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT

      all the energy i used to give you

i now give to myself

GODSPEED

      tan lines on my back, my life startin to feel like a special occasion. these past 6 months felt like a vacation. standing between the mountains, the city, and the sea, i finally see myself. i found gesi. now we steady flowing into eternity. when i say we makin waves, i'm talkin wavelengths and vibrations. movement is the only option, never stagnation.

      give me pollination not validation

      you might stop howling & become the moon

      "when we were outside you were all different and more composed. soon as we step in you sit down lean back and say 'yeah bruv whats good? light that shit' and i just think thats really dope"

people often comment on the distinction between my public and private self, but the fact of the matter is that the course of my journey forces me to have the two and balance the two. i can't just be transparently me all the time because there's always people watching. and to leave myself entirely open is to be vulnerable to many energies that can interrupt my own.

navigating public spaces requires a sense of sensitivity and confidence. communication between you and your surroundings is pivotal to feeling like you are allowed to belong. understanding that space can only be accessed through a certain level of moral integrity and not through entitlement or ego. but to also understand your energy is special and not for everyone and then to let that shit g(r)o(w)

      help me understand the responsibility of masculinity

what we lack in father figures

we make up through masculinity

and measure in figures

perpetuating a system that only hurts

you & me

let me teach you how

your vulnerability is a masterpiece

      it's hard to stop my movement when i'm already in motion

      always grinding

/

always grounded

      being true to yourself is nothing short of revolutionary

      special shoutout to mzi for being there for us. for praying for our safety. for loving and caring for us the way he does. he is truly such a special spirit in my life.

      special shoutout to us. me and orjada. me and my sister. we are fucking champs for handling it the way we did. we didn't let go of each other no matter how much they tried to separate us. who knows how things would have turned out if they did. we screamed to the top of our fucking lungs and managed to protect our things and ourselves with minimal damage. our timing was divine. the universe still looked out for us.

i seriously need to tune into what the universe is trying to tell us lately. about loss, release, attachment. about the spaces we find ourselves in. about feeling like we are just normal people leading just normal lives but knowing we are too different for  that to be true. and most of all, about grounding.

shoutout to the way we came home and talked about it till our hearts were sore so we wouldn't let fear and trauma fester.

i hate the way trauma instills a permanent kind of fear. that makes you scared to do anything at all.

it's been so long since i've had to unpack and process trauma. but we've gotten through much worse so i know we can get through this.

      They have nothing of ours. We have everything intact

      all women with sob stories. know trauma. have heard his echos one too many times. i want to scrub him off of her body. want to give her her body back. i wil whisper any hymn to you. what would you like to hear. whisper "he didn't take anything from you" until it becomes yours always. i will sit on shattered glass with you. bleed. we can laugh at all the puzzled poems our trauma can make together. say a thing out loud. ask a stupid question like: can i make a complaint to tinder for letting mold grow on the edges of my homegirl's bed? see the thing is it is not stupid. her body just wont get an answer. if she sees her body growing dirt, we will make soil our friend. we will tend to the growth that needs to take place. pain as fertilizer instead of the dirt itself. all of deforested trees leave roots. so i vow that we will grow something in this waterless patch. become the water ourselves one night and cry, pouring into each other. scream into the sunset that i love you and you didn't deserve it. scream that a man aint anything but a thing that only knows taking. never just talking about a man. never will rush you into another man and never will not smile if you ever let a man touch you again. see how proud i am of you. home girl had the audacity to wear yellow. do you know how brave yellow tastes after blood spills everywhere and you call no one? when i say call me, what i mean is 911 won't come for us. what i mean is i got you. what i mean is we all know emergency, say hello to our bodies. what i mean is turn on blue lights before the sirens come. bruises in place of the absence of blue lights. how our bodies manage to fill voids if the thing itself cannot save us. spill everywhere. i love you all soil and waterfall. yellow and the bleeding. fuck 911 and call me. what i mean is i am sorry. i want his head on my lap. what i mean is i am sorry. i am tired of violence being non negotiable when violence is all we're asked to swallow. i want to hold his mother's hand. i want your smile and you in yellow even if it brings the bleeding. the bleeding wasn't supposed to come for you. the bleeding wasn't supposed to come for you. but it will promise all of the exit. watch the body in its healing. wash the body in its healing. a baptism of sorts. watch. as the body expands until it becomes an exit. an exodus. and now there is a new us eclipsing what once was.

      people don't understand themselves enough to show that to you and you can't take that seriously or personally. gotta leave em and let em grow up on their own

      you ever wake up and remember what you're capable of?

      what you heal with your origin story, you heal in your present and future

      the solstice full moon marks a moment where you get to witness the distance that you've traveled. the marks that your journey has left upon you can now be worn with pride. you earned these tattoos and you've got a tale to tell about them

      it's hard to understand what we're capable of until we risk leaving behind what we've always known

      know i gotta keep it safe

tho i'll never let it lead me stray

same time, keep a sane mind

sane mind keep a safe mine

mine mine, keep it safe

people take, i ain't never seen a sane mine

i ain't ever made sweet

i ain't ever been tamed

& i ain't afraid to let you see my teeth

      too many minds

in these media land mines

we must be careful how we use our imagination

      wonder how i'm always so scared of falling but never of flying

to come to realize

but to fly is to fall when the sky is the floor

      he says / you are so gullible / so naive / so going to take all of this and swallow it / there's no other choice / he says be strong like the woman i know you to be / i never knew how loud he spoke / until i suffocated in his screams / he says there are many women that have raised me / to not just thank my mother / says it takes a village / says there are many ways to raise a child / you musn't be so picky / why do i ask for a number still? / i always let curiosity get the best of me / until its the worst of me / he says he still doesn't know their anniversary / says i dont remember which day she was given to me / give and take all the same / whats a date and a number to a no-name? / he says lets talk about this later / later never comes / i know all too well how these conversations weave and waver till they come undone / he says you know / what my father did to my mother / this is beyond your time / do not call this abuse / you would know abuse if you felt it / i no longer know where the line between a promise and a threat would split / he says we will never split / it's not in our culture / you have no idea what the fathers in this lineage have been through / i watch as he becomes his father now / he is his father now / his father is his father now / his father is his father now / all these missing fathers falling into abandoned parenthood / filling the void of where the word family once stood

      longing seeps in her eyes / in my eyes / longing sweats from the palms / and flies around our stomachs / i drip out extend / i trip out and pretend / that it is all normal / holding memory / hold it right in front of her / longing smiles back / tries to tell me he loves me / i listen to a whisper / i hear nothing / love makes this instead / puddle / drown out a voice that goes unheard of / we never hear it but we swim in it / we swim good

      let's run from / to love like that

like gentle / like too soft

like pure

like walls / full of corners

where we hide / want the kind

of love / of exhaustion

that congests homes / hoards memories

tell me / name it / her

speak her dreams & nightmares

let's run

speak with / sleep with

not hide / run from corners

to love like

like tired / like boil / like spiral / like chaos

into safety

i feel safe in rough / in the midst of your war / in the midst of your arms

love me like this

i like love like this / like fire

and we call no one / let it burn love

this is not toxic / not alarming

just gonna burn these walls to the ground

and we breathe

and we burn

and we love

      maybe they'll recognize my absence. that's the goal. to leave an imprint wherever i go.

      Gotta keep makin waves till the tide brings us back to the cape

      the childhood shows the man / as morning shows the day

      the confusion is a part of it. don't give up on yourself. see it through

      clarity is coming

      processing

...

..

.

braiding

.

..

...

understanding

      regain your privacy

      I want to roam slowly and wildly across the world without embarrassment of my place in it.

      the main thing i recieved this holiday season was a hint of clarity. nothing  changes your life quite like the truth

      in the past year i've grown so much and also gotten so much younger.

this year has taken & added years on my life

      don't need nobody new to miss

already miss so many people

have had to miss so many people cuz i had to dip on so many people

      I remember the night sky after my last day at work. It was a deep Marine Blue. It smelled felt like freshly clothes without dryer sheets, it tasted like freedom, it was bitter and sweet.

I will always remember that blue and that feeling.

-kamau on MuRiN

      we move some things

we shake some things

we from out of town

we don't settle down

but now i own my days

and now i own my ways

      i'd rather be hungry than have a hungry soul

      i hate love but in a crazy way

      you know whats good

so why do you get carried away my love

      just let go of sorrow

like theres no tomorrow

cuz tonight might be your last

so stay up till sunrise

wipe the tears from your eyes

leave it in the past

      why love when its free and does no harm?

      rhythm in the fucking bones

daddies that were never there

and grannies raised the strongest ones

so opposites attract and leave

and heartbroke in my tendencies

      "" she says to me gently while wrapping the khanga around me.

"listening to the ancestors is the first step to wisdom"

whenever i wear the khanga, i feel an invincible cloak of protection. i wore it into the Moroccan cities and desserts. while driving through the driver points out that we're driving through a Berber village. the berber people are nomads. they tend to spread through the mountains and by the sea.

With the Berberi last name in my bloodline, i feel an ancestral pull to this space. it took endless questions and conversations later to uncover their original name isn't Berberi, it's Amazingh.and so the story goes, the romans came in and renamed them Berber as an insinuation of a barbaric people. and so the story goes, these are the same romans that changed my grandfathers last name from Basha to Cinari because the original was too threatening. Basha is a mayoral figure in Berber. There is a ever too frequent history of people trying to colonize native peoples because they feel threatened, and we know that story all too well. But the name remains. Amazingh by the way, means "free people". I come from a free people. what better way to approach closure but with clarity? I come from a free people. of course, i'm such a free spirit. of course, i'm always moving, pulled by the wind, the mountains, and the sea. and i got a sweet spot for a good city. i'm just living in my ancestor's wildest dreams. and so the story goes, i had to go all around the world just to find my ancestors in the mountains. the same mountains that birthed me. i come from a free people and that is the intention i move into everything with accordingly. i am the manifestation of my ancestors wildest imagination. what a blessing to bask in it and tasked with the job of being an echo for it all.

      i met so many cool motherfuckers in cape town

and honestly i'm comin back a cooler motherfucker

because now i understand what is required

      this year

these past few months alone

i saw/met my ancestors

i saw/met myself

i saw so many new parts of myself. healed parts i didn't even know were bruised. tended to all the wounds. got in the dirt. felt the fertilizer. freed myself. grew so much and only got younger. and then understood it runs in my ancestral bloodline. i come from a free people.

i am free.

      been movin through time zones for the past 6 months. so of course when i get back, imma be movin on a different timing. new times call for new movements.

      SICKO MODE is a cape town MOOD. BIG BIG MOOD.

reminds me of every lit as fuck moment/mood/ energy in cape town. daisies, on the way to, we love summer, on the way to. on the way out every night. astroworld. yours truly. waiting room. fiction. lit energy all around. a bunch of cool motherfuckers in a room all grooving to the same energy. all around the world.

cape town was me in SICKO MODE. almost at my prime type energy

      i have to make it back to cape town

      at 21 i went the fuck off

      manifesting everything

      this year will be a creative one. moving in with creative energy

      fuck the money

      if not now, then when?

if not me, then who?

      such an emotional transition when i realize i'm not flying back to cape town. i'm going to new york. i wonder how my energy will be received. how i will be received. how it's going to be to return to the same spaces as a whole new person.

      at least this i know for sure:

i am coming home anew.

i have arrived at myself, and thus, infinity.

      expanding.

everything.

horizons.

hearts.

stomachs.

wings.

      switched up the lens before departure/arrival

      i belong in the place of my departure

&

i belong in the place of my destination

-cristina

      i'm definitely going to miss the open and honest nature of people there.

      khoza told me he loved me that first night. i wonder if he remembers that. or if he even knows he did.

      tando means love

ntando means with love

      practice no don't ever preach

let your practice do the preachin

      feels like the life i need

now feels like the life i needs a lil distant

at least i know what it feels like so i can return to it  

      at departure, we were already preparing for arrival

      to prepare myself for the likely huge wave of depression that may hit me when i realize i'm not in cape town anymore. and the next arrival is unknown.

to do this through discipline. self care practices (yoga once a week at least. exercise once a week at least. writing once a week at least. keep journals on me at all times. keep MY tools on me at all times. pursue projects. keep the good kind of busy not the babson kind of busy. meditate more. take time to yourself. pursue friendships deeper. always. leave the imprint you always do. move quietly but with your own purpose. let your purpose and energy guide you always.)

to process the experience for what it was and be grateful to be so blessed. in processing, to allow myself to re-live. to keep up with cape town. whether it be artists, people, bodies, articles. to surround yourself with love & adventure. to live in the moment and make it worth it while i'm in it.

      BUTTERFLY EFFECT

ending song of cape town times.

for this life i cannot change

drop the top

pop it let it bang

this year is described well as butterfly effect.

      life is just a maze

goin through all my phases

      to touch a tongue that isn't foreign

i can't remember what that feels like  

      up against the wall / we don't need a title

      "you are love"

-mzi

      love on the brain

i experienced so much love in cape town. i was surrounded by it. engulfed in it. and so much of it came from me. an abundance from others as well. and i was being loved in the ways that i needed to be. for the first time in a while. the wind hugged me on that side of the world

and now i can depart with sooo much love on me, in me, coursing through me.

it's always good to have something amazing to part with/say goodbye to.

      can we burn somethin new?

      "and she fuck me and love me all in the same dose"

      moving into a new space with a new rhythm.

the loves i experienced here all had a rhythm.

it is carrying me in the transition.

      there's so much love in the air and that's always appreciated. misery loves company but my pack provides positivity and prosperity