#suicidal about it like. i've never had a drug dependence but i'm not really in a position where i can ever make my own decisions anyways

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

i'm kind of amazed how most of the stardew marriage candidates just want you to be their manic pixie dream whatever by agreeing with everything they like and plying them with compliments or praise or whatever (which is fine but a bit. Much) but for shane his romance is just you being there for him while he figures his own shit out... dunno why i never wanted to romance him before he's so good

[youremyheaven]

The Internal Corrosiveness of Venus: Venusian Women & Self Harm

TW: self harm, abuse, suicide, violence, trauma

Claire had remarked that "Venus is internally corrosive whilst externally pleasant and Mars is externally corrosive but internally pleasant". This led me down a rabbit hole to try to understand whether this "internally corrosive" nature manifests as self harm & eating disorders and unfortunately, it does. Venusian women struggle with perfectionism and are extremely self-critical. Venusian energy is HARSH. Venus natives struggle to uphold a certain standard that they subject themselves too because if I'm being honest Venus is the OG "not like other girls girl", they believe they're better than others, and tbh in many ways they probably are but this also means they put undue pressure on themselves to keep being that way.

All Venusian naks are Ugra or "fierce" in nature and while I've talked about how Venusian violence and cruelty can be directed at others in my other posts, I think its worth mentioning how Venusians can be just as cruel to themselves. This is especially true of Venusian women as women internalise their problems while men wreak external havoc (like causing wards and killing people) but there are many male Venusians who struggle internally as well.

In ancient religions, Goddesses of love also had other functions or powers that had nothing to do with love

the Egyptian Goddess Isis was the goddess of love, healing, fertility, magic, and the moon. She was the goddess of life and magic, Isis protected women and children and healed the sick.

She was a great magician, whose power transcended that of all other deities.

The Mesopotamian Goddess Ishtar is the goddess of love and sexuality, and thus, fertility; she is responsible for all life, but she is never a Mother goddess. She is also the Goddess of War.

I'm using these examples to show that the ancients had a more complex and nuanced understanding of Venusian energy. One cannot worship love without understanding that "war" is a consequence of it. Love & war are not very different from each other. When someone believes in something and is willing to die for it, we find that to be very honourable. Sometimes this belief leads men to kill others over it and depending on the cause, we describe the war as "good" or "bad" (kill a bunch of fascists and then its a "righteous" war, if you kill innocent people, then its an unholy war etc). Being at a state of war describes Venusian nature very well since Venus is also connected to royalty and if you're born into royalty, you get to live a very "exclusive" very privileged life that few get to enjoy but the stakes are also that much higher since you could be beheaded or executed or exiled and live a life that is far worse than the average person.

In this post I want to explore how this "state of war" can manifest internally in an ordinary Venusian and contribute to self harm, eating disorders and drug abuse.

Bella Hadid- Purvaphalguni Moon & Rising

Bella has admitted to smoking since she was a teenager and getting a rhinoplasty at 14. Her pro ana Tumblr from when she was a teen is infamous at this point. She has never openly spoken about it but it is widely speculated that she struggles with an eating disorder and possible drug abuse as well.

“I was the uglier sister. I was the brunette. I wasn't as cool as Gigi, not as outgoing,” she said. “That's really what people said about me.” I also feel like Venusians grow up feeling really ugly and completely unaware of their magnetism. They only really grow into their looks when they're older (obvs there are exceptions) and I think being bullied for what they have and don't have are also big themes.

Demi Lovato- Bharani Moon

Demi has spoken about struggling with self harm, eating disorders and drug abuse.

Lovato said, “growing up, I had been bullied in school,” saying she “felt like an outsider," and "like an outcast,” but then she became friends with a girl who was popular. “One day, I asked her ‘how do you have all these friends?,’” Lovato noted, and the girl asked Lovato “do you party?" Lovato explained, "She asked me, 'Do you drink?,'" with Lovato saying that this was her first experience with drugs and alcohol, adding, “we experienced a lot of stuff together, drinking and using, and growing up.” Bharani being an outcaste nakshatra resulted in Demi feeling like one growing one :(((

Taylor Swift- Purvashada Rising

Taylor opened up about her eating disorder in her documentary

Lindsay Lohan- Bharani Moon

LiLo has struggled with self harm, drug abuse and battled eating disorders

Oscar Wilde, Purvaphalguni Rising wrote The Picture of Dorian Gray

The plot goes like this : An attractive Englishman's image is captured in a painting that keeps him from ageing, when he exchanges his soul for eternal beauty. But for every sin that he commits, his image in the portrait rots.

This is a very deeply Venusian story, and very specifically Purvaphalguni esque because Purvaphalguni is the height of Venus. It can be said that its also true of Venusians in general. They are outwardly splendorous, they seem to have it all together but inwardly they tend to be inflicting wounds upon themselves in order to keep it all together.

Johnny Depp- Purvashadha Moon

He has also battled eating disorders, self harm and drug abuse.

Iggy Pop- Bharani Moon

"THERE IS EXTREME, there is legendary — and then there is Iggy Pop. Beginning in his earliest days with the Stooges taunting Ann Arbor frat boys and small town Michigan folk, Iggy made an art of excess: self-mutilation, self-exposure and self-destruction. His risky theatricality required an audience to respond, participate or get the heck out of there. And the sex and violence hardly stopped after the show was over."- this is how Rolling Stone described Iggy Pop and tbh this is a very Venusian description

In 1974, at his first solo concert dubbed The Murder of a Virgin. "Do you want to see blood?" Iggy asked the crowd, which howled affirmatively back at him. Then, at Iggy's urging, guitarist Ron Asheton, wearing a Nazi outfit, whipped Iggy repeatedly. Iggy began hurling racial epithets at a black spectator, hoping to goad the man into stabbing him with the steak knife he'd brought onstage. No luck, so he closed the set by carving an X into his chest himself.

Marilyn Manson- Purvashadha Sun

He has struggled with self harm in the past (there are images online if you're interested) and in 2013, he tried to simulate self harm on stage by holding a knife to his wrist in the middle of a performance??

Christina Ricci- Purvashadha Moon

Ricci has said she suffered from anorexia as a teenager and was sexually assaulted as a child. “There was no discussion at that time about trauma, and about recovering from those things, about PTSD,” she said. As a result, she ended up “acting out and coping in ways that weren't good."

Robert Downey Jr- Bharani Moon, Mars in Purvaphalguni

its pretty well known that RDJ was severely addicted to drugs at one point and it started when he was a child and drugs was given to him by his dad:///

Megan Fox- Purvashadha Rising

"I have body dysmorphia — I don't ever see myself the way other people see me," Fox said. "There's never a point in my life where I loved my body, never, ever." "When I was little, that was an obsession I had of, like, but I should look this way,"

‘However, at a certain point, I went through some trauma in childhood and I developed a pretty severe eating disorder and manic depression, which runs in my family, so there was definitely some wrestling with chemical imbalance going on,’ she shared.

its interesting how so many of these natives begin struggling with these issues very early in life

Colin Farrell- Purvashadha Rising, Jupiter conjunct Ketu in Bharani

While he did not say that he had cut himself when he was younger, Colin Farrell had some self-inflicting behavior during his younger days. He spoke on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and said that he used to actually enjoy pulling out huge tufts of his hair. 

Pete Davidson- Purvaashadha Rising

'I used to bang my head against walls,' he admitted. 'If I couldn't deal with something -- if someone told me something sad or something I couldn't deal with I would bang my head against the wall, hoping I'd pass out because I didn't want to be in that situation because I couldn't handle that.

Melanie Lynskey- Bharani Moon

“I stopped throwing up, mostly. It took a while. But that was a big one. I had, for a very long time, been on this diet that was basically 800 calories a day, and if I ate anything over 800 calories, I would throw up,” she said. “I was never bingey. Sometimes I’d be starving, and I’d have another teacup of Special K. Then I’d be like, ‘Well, now I gotta throw it up.’”

Tila Tequila- Purvaphalguni Moon

On March 7, 2012, it was reported that Tequila had agreed to check into rehab after having reportedly "almost died" from an attempted suicide by overdosing on pills. The incident caused her to be hospitalized for a brain aneurysm. Tequila completed her rehab treatment on April 5, 2012.

Jeffree Star- Purvashadha Moon

images of him self harming once went viral

Till Lindemann- Purvashadha Sun

he's known for his SH scars and has even written poems about it in German??? its called "The poems: Knives on silent nights"

Portia de Rossi- Rahu in Purvashadha 2h

she's struggled with an eating disorder

Padma Lakshmi- Purvaphalguni Sun & Moon

"When filming "Top Chef," I consume about 5,000 to 8,000 calories a day,'' she wrote. "I typically gain anywhere from 10 to 17 pounds every season. Once I get home, what's taken me six weeks to gain takes me 12 weeks to take off. It's always a nail-biting extravaganza at fittings, praying that a few pretty dresses that came down the runway on a teenage model who is a size 0 will miraculously fit my 40-something body,'' she wrote. "Getting ready for the Emmys is always fun, and it's truly an honor to be nominated. But at the same time, in spite of my high metabolism, I worry each year that I'm not going to fit into anything nice. So, this year, I've decided my weight will not be my focus,'' she wrote. "If I need a bigger dress, so be it. That one day — or any day — on the red carpet isn't nearly as important as making sure my daughter doesn't measure her worth by her dress size."

i guess this is a more positive manifestation of Venusian self image struggles

Jessica Alba- Bharani Stellium (Sun, Mercury & Venus)

“I was meant to feel ashamed if I tempted men,” she said. “Then I stopped eating a lot when I became an actress. I made myself look more like a boy so I wouldn’t get as much attention.”

Katie Couric- Purvashadha Sun

“I wrestled with bulimia all through college and for two years after that,” she shared with Lovato while interviewing her, per Glamour. “I know this rigidity, this feeling that if you eat one thing that’s wrong, you’re full of self-loathing and then you punish yourself, whether it’s one cookie or a stick of gum that isn’t sugarless, that I would sometimes beat myself up for that. How do you have a healthy relationship with food, and say, ‘You know what, I can have one cookie and it’s OK?’ That is such a huge thing for people who wrestle with this.”

Zayn Mailk- Purvaphalguni Moon

 In his 2016 autobiography, Zayn, he shared it would sometimes cause him to go two or three days without eating a single bite of food. “Something I’ve never talked about in public before, but which I have come to terms with since leaving the band, is that I was suffering from an eating disorder. It got quite serious, although at the time I didn’t recognize it for what it was,” he wrote. “When I look back at images of myself—before the final tour—I can see how ill I was. The workload and the pace of life on the road put together with the pressures and strains of everything going on within the band had badly affected my eating habits. Food was something I could control, so I did.”

Zoe Kravitz- Purvaphalguni Moon conjunct Ketu

“I think it was part of being a woman, and being surrounded by [fame],” she said. “I think it was definitely about being around that world, seeing that world. I felt pressured.” After playing an anorexic character in a movie, she hit her lowest of lows and was so malnourished that her immune system shut down. Months later, she decided to make a change. “I just felt it was different,” she said. “I don’t know… if a f—king spirit came over me and said: ‘You have to stop.’”

Mel C, Purvaphalguni Rising

"When I was in the Spice Girls, the stress of suddenly being thrust into the limelight led me into an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise,” she told The Mirror in 2012. “I became obsessed about what I ate and I cut lots of food groups, like carbs and protein, out of my diet. I survived on fruit and vegetables and little else.”

Nicole Scherzinger- Mars conjunct Rising in Purvaphalguni

"I really struggled with feeling like I fit in. I even had a hard time feeling like I fit into my own skin. I was really hard on myself and had a lot of struggles with self-esteem and a lot of insecurities,” she said. “Later on, that resulted in me having eating disorders because of my body dysmorphia.”

if you're reading this and struggling, you're not alone. please get help!! its not too late to turn things around!! youre so strong and you can do this!!

[in3rci4]

† ALL OF THEM ALIVE : AFTERMATH HEADCANONS †

Introduction

I asked you guys which Hcs would you like me to write first and you decided the option . The majority of blogs had talked about their own personal Hcs about this AU ! / Possible final where all the boys survived their kidnapper " The Grabber " , so I think it's time I'll do mine too . In this fandom we all wished or thought at least once about this , about the " what if " , and it's interesting how there's some stuff we all agree with and how some would differ depending the person you're asking . But anyways , I shall get to the point and talk about what you stopped reading for

author's note : I'm really sorry for not writing lately , I've been kinda stressed out and with little time to do something like this . Like I said before , I promised than little by little I'll do y'all requests , I didn't forget , so please be patient because soon I'll have the time

Warnings ¡! : Children abuse , SA , VERY long rant , possible misspelling , specific details that might be gruesome , headcanons about future and family situation of each character , suicide , angst , mention of real life killers / predators , homophobia , sexism , etc ... . If you don't agree with the following headcanons then I'm open to discuss yours politely , so now after that been said , enjoy it ^^

¿ How they escaped from " The Grabber " ?

This one is very difficult to decide , since there's a lot of options that can be valid and logical in the context of the movie , so I will make a ranking to most to least " possible " in my opinion :

THE GRABBER HIMSELF LETS THEM GO : Now , I know that knowing this character is based on a pedophile serial killer and IT'S a pedophile serial killer , the possibility of him letting them go sounds not logical at first , but hear me out on this one . The first 2 thoughts that comes in my mind when someone has escaped their kidnapper , is that they escaped when they've killed or ran away when their kidnapper was distracted , or , the very own criminal let them go . Remember the scene when Albert tells Finney that " nothing is going right " or that " he's thinking about letting him go " ? Well , I think that if in another universe they all escaped from him because HE lets them go , either because he was afraid of being caught by the police or his very own sick self that had enough of toying with them ( You imagine what could been " enough " for this psycho ) . The circumstance of them also being discarded as " dead " in the worst physical state is also an option , yet one of the saddest , because this one is where they get to live the worst of the " Naughty boy " game . Some walking back home on their own , some others found by other people that called the authorities for help

MAX HELPS THE KIDS TO ESCAPE : this crackhead seems to be smart on his own way , but way too fucked up with drugs to reach his full sane and clean potential , yet , on the movie , he figures his brother out , but he unfortunately dies by the hand of his very own blood . But , if Albert did went to work , I believe he would ramble a little about how it made sense , on how he didn't figure out sooner , etc . Soon the plead of the kids of letting them go makes him go back half on his senses , and he either calls the police and tells the kids to search on the house more about his brother in order to have more proofs against him ( Yes , this sounds dumb but justice sometimes don't do what they have to do ) or either takes all of them to the police station right away , proud of himself because HE DID found the kids , but of course , little does he know that he won't and will never get the credit for it .

SAME BASEMENT , DIFFERENT ROOMS : This one that I've seen more repeating on the people on the fandom , and I guess I understand why . There's 2 possibilities in each instance : The place , the victim who knocks out the Grabber and the final state of the kidnapper . If if we're talking about the place , it ain't something impossible for a house to have a immense basement under it with multiple rooms and stuff . Albert Shaw is based on Jhon Wayne Gacey , a pedophile homosexual serial killer that also did "children entertainment " gestures and had also like work construction business , this man hide the bodies of his victims under his house , on his backyard and in another house apart from where he lived ( Josef Fritzl can be also compared to this killer too , this man build a basement specially to SA his own daughter and have incestuous children with her that maintained them from escaping ) . A sick twisted mind that build a basement JUST to SA poor boys that had the bad luck of encounter him . That , or the "Naughty boy " game takes place in different locations , the first part , under his house basement , the one that we see on the movie , the second , somewhere else , a basement that who knows what happened or who created such thing with soundproofed rooms that has a black phone united to the next room , the boys , prisoners of a masked human devil that checked that all the telephones were disconnected or broken , but they make it work , and create a plan to take down their tormentor . The idea of all of them taking him down at the same time sounds cool and almost relieving , as all the victims participate on fighting against their predator , but if you prefer more the idea of Finney being the boy who takes down The Grabber , then the final plan is him setting the others free after being done with him . And depending on how possible you may think an option or other is , The Grabber gets killed by all his victims , or survives , and is arrested ... Not allowing the cycle of pain to end for the kids

UNKNOWN PREVIOUS VICTIMS GHOSTS : I admit I don't really know if the creators / writers or whatever said something about this before , but this man killed 5 kids and its hinted on the book that he had also kidnapped more , we only know about this kids on the movie because of Finney's perspective and Gwen's dreams ( Except Griffin Stagg ) , but what if there was more somewhere else in another state / town ? What if instead of only one child having an spiritual gift we had 6 trapped children that got kidnapped in a haunted building of previous victims of The Grabber ? Perhaps all of them being able to contact the Spiritual world but not knowing until they were taken by a crazy man ? That would be not only cool in my opinion to see in a movie ( it would be really interesting to see how differently they would react to ghosts ) but it can be something possible in the context of the movie and / or in the " The Shinning" universe ( non confirmed to be cannon it's just a theory )

THE POLICE SOLVING THE CASE : Look , we all know sometimes police it's more useless and dangerous that what they supposed to be , BUT , if we are talking about the most possibles " what if " , I think that maybe , in this particular case , in another universe the detectives ( I don't remember their names , I think maybe Mr Wright and Mr Miller ? ) figure out fast enough to solve the case and save the kids ( Tbh Gwenny did so much more for her brother and those kids than the police did on the movie , and she's just a child that didn't got credit for being the most important person on the case ) so if we didn't have Gwen's psychic abilities and we're on a non paranormal context of the movie , sooner or later killers are discovered , either because lack of self awareness or because they wanted to be recognized , and usually sexual predators tend to lack self awareness the more they get " confident " ( ik fucking disgusting ) . If the they did the same Max's reasoning , I believe that they could have the luck to say " that the help came " ( Again , I believe this possiblity of police figuring Albert Shaw sounds reasonable , but doing it on time , that's a 40/60 , 40% they got before any SA or death happened , 60% that something bad already happened when they got to arrest Albert Shaw " The Grabber" )

THE VERY OWN KIDS ESCAPE BY THEIR OWN : All of this are possibilities , even if it's on the lowest of the ranking , it is still something that could happened , but for me , it's a very low chance of it actually happening . I know cases of children and teenagers escaping and saving others from killers / kidnappers , but if the whole movie happened , it was because no matter how "popular " or " strong " they were , they were still kids / young teens against a grown ass adult twice their weight and height . But my point is , if they did escaped on their own without interacting while being captive with others victims , then The Grabber definitely cannot commit his crimes on the same place / in one of his houses . As I see it on this option , if they did escaped , they did it like the way they tried and died for ( Billy breaks a window , Griffin escapes on a moment of distraction , Vance escapes by getting into another room that helps him to exit , Bruce perhaps instead of digging himself a tunnel finds a trapdoor that leads to a tunnel . Idk what to think as a escape route for Robin or Finney , perhaps Robin had to actually get into a fight with the Grabber and started to get chased but he manages to escape , maybe Finney waits enough time to observe and makes a whole plan to escape and call the police on Albert's absence ) . Idk if they would be able to tell who is their captor or not , but I'm sure that in this last option , The Grabber definitely gets arrested or " learns from his mistakes " to " get better " at kidnapping children .

¿ Do they stick together after all the trauma ?

I believe it's a 50/50 , I can see both options being possible if all or some of the victims survived

WHY IT'S POSSIBLE : Nobody would understand the pain and trauma that they been through better than them as a group , not the police , not the reporters , not their friends , not their families , not the child therapists , only them . Unconsciously would still be on alert mode and seek for their and the others safety , possibly being more protective or snap back at those who try to bother them or another boy , and if we follow the " Same basement , different rooms " option , they feel like they're in debt with the others for helping / saving their life , making a sort of friendship / comfort bond with the other boys . A friendship that could be intact for years even after they are living their own lives or are far away from each other

BUT AT THE SAME TIME : Seeing the others is a constant remind of what they been through , wich it could result in them drifting apart from each other to avoid the memories coming back at them . Perhaps some will even resent others , blaming them without knowing why , be mad that they told the police / other people what they been through and now everyone knows they also been SA or physically abused , frustrated that people or the own victims boys search them asking about what happened or how they feel after " it's all over " . If they didn't killed Albert or help the other to escape , then the anger for not being able to finish him or be left behind would also increase the discordance between each other

¿ Would they be able to go back to their normal lives ?

I'm sorry but again , I'll think it's a 50/50 thing , or well , more like a 40/60 thing . They of course , after so much trauma in their heads they will need time to get over or deal with it , but some will have more support than others and that's a fact . They can't erase the past , but some of them would not have the same tools to deal with it in a healthy way ( Personal opinion : none would be able to cope in a healthy way . We're talking about boys that been possibly SA with physical and mental damage from living such situation as kidnapping and being captive against their will . Homophobia was 6x worse in the 70's , even if nothing was their fault , there's always people that would make them feel like shit for " not standing up " or " letting it happen" , questioning their sexuality or " if they liked it " or if they " search that " . Media would definitely not help this situation at all )

So in a ranking of who I personally think would be able to manage to " come back to normal" in their lives to " fastest to slowest " or have more support would be :

BRUCE YAMADA : His family and popularity would make him the one gets more empathy from the people in town , not like the others won't get it at all , but he definitely would have the odds more on his favor . His parents are wealthy enough to pay him a therapist or seek a doctor that helps him to cover his scars , anything that he asks or needs to feel better . People , let's be honest , would sympathize more with him than before and would even get it from those that before didn't like him that much . Yet , it would take him time to get back on his normal rhythm , baseball would be more difficult due how much muscular strength he lost while being captive , parties would overwhelmed him , and he would not like going out by himself , always needing someone on his side . Luckily , he would be on shape in a few months , hanging out in small parties and slowly but surely , being on his own on the streets . All though , he makes sure that his friends , baseball buddies or the people that hangs up with him in general didn't dare to bring the subject of him , the others or The Grabber on his presence , he doesn't want to start a unnecessary discussion or stop talking to them for their loud mouths ...

BILLY SHOWALTER : Everybody recognized his face before and after he went missing , but this time it was different , the look in the eyes of people that he came across with wasn't indifferent or the regular polite ones , now they would speak for the person louder than their voice did , they tried to hide it , but the pity was something that the look in their eyes didn't lie about . Nobody said or told him nothing , but he knew , Billy knew that everybody knew , and it made him a little bit paranoid ¿ How much did they knew about what happened ? He stopped delivering papers after seeing his face and the others in it , stopped watching TV for a while until the news of his " case " would disappear , his family thought it would be a good idea to take more trips to his grandparents house or outside the home general , like camping , lakes , family cookouts , etc . Little by little he would gain a little bit more confidence on himself , but he would need to isolate himself from the people to get a bit of peace of mind and be back to " the real world " . Sometimes frustration of not being able to erase people's memories of him as the kidnapped kid would get him , but he'll suppressed it , as well as he can , just like him trying to not get alarmed by his dog barks ...

FINNEY BLAKE : He's for sure got his back covered by his sister Gwen before , now and forever , their bond was always strong and it became even stronger after he went missing . After surviving The Grabber the bullying stopped since he was THAT kid who survived the The Grabber , making him be in peace for a good amount of time on high school , although when it all calmed down , some or other dude would call him names , but it wasn't like he would get beaten for it , and if they tried to , he wasn't scared to throw a punch to shut them up . I do believe that Terrance tried to change for his son and daughter , but even then , the damage was already done , there's was no more violence or alcohol smell in the house , but there was no deep connection between him and his kids . Sometimes his father would accidentally make a loud noise and he would flinch or jump on his place , to later realize it wasn't nothing . And if his father kept his same attitude that he had before he was taken , Finney wouldn't take any more shit from him anymore . As a generational curse , father and son would get into heated discussions , discussions where Finney would dare him to hit him or Gwenny , just once , for him to see what'll do to his father if he did . So , if we expect the good development , I think he will sometimes get to live a somehow normal life with ups and downs , the last ones being the hardest times if they clicked something from the past , but usually being able to compose himself , if his dad doesn't help his recovery to normalcy , then he might slowly loose little by little the calmness in him and isolate himself to avoid problems , like before ..

ROBIN ARELLANO : His mother was ecstatic when she heard her that her child didn't die like her husband , giving him a big hug that was full of pleading for forgiveness and thanking God for bringing Robin back home alive , as well his uncle , who waited for her to to finish to hug his nephew too . He would get child treatment for a long time , his mother would make him a lot of his favorite food for him to gain weight and pepper him with kisses and cheesy nicknames that he didn't heard since he was a toddler , his uncle giving him more gifts than before as well as doing the impossible to make space on his work schedule and drive him the way to and back from school . At first Robin didn't complain , why would he ? He would lie if he says he didn't missed his family and the affection he receives from them , but as time passed and he tried to "get over it " and go back to normal , he noticed how much those actions made him feel weak and useless . He asked his mother to stop treating him like a child and his uncle to let him walk by himself like before , wich lead her mother to be confused of why he wouldn't like what she does and , for the first time on his life , he having an argument with his uncle about what's safe or what he needs . School was still difficult for him to understand , Robin felt like everything changed since he left and now he's more close to suspending than before , thankfully he got a tutor teacher that is just as good and understanding like Finney . The kids still respect him as one of the toughest in school , even the ones that were waiting for an opportunity to fight him didn't want to face him , but that made him angry , how he's supposed to let all this pent up frustration now ? He didn't see this as respect , he felt this as pity , they consider him not in condition to fight , he escaped the god damn Grabber for fucks sake ! He hates it , the feeling of vulnerability not leaving after escaping that cold basement . He'll try to keep a low profile and try his best to avoid talking to people , keep his cool , but hearing his uncle talk about the fight he had on his work with his mother because some coworker called his nephew a faggot , made this feeling of vulnerability turn into disgust ... Disgust by himself , which lead him into a depression and isolation period of time that he would only get over after a year or an a half . Later , he would tell himself that what happened made him stronger , and that's part of him now , hyping himself up as well as he can , because toxic masculinity won't go just because of him ..

GRIFFIN STAGG : He only has his mother for support and some other adults that felt compassion towards him , after all , he survived a huge cut on his throat that didn't let him talk freely like before . He had to learn sign languages along with deaf and / or mute kids , they were friendly , and even if he was a little bit doubtful of the idea of making friends , he found himself comfortable with them . He hated it , how even in hot weather he had to cover his neck , how he went to invisible to have the entire school eyes on him and his name known for every kid in Colorado , and not for good . For a long time doctors told him to had certain soft food diet until his throat got better , so the frustration of not being able to talk or eat freely made him isolate himself or shut himself down . His mother took him to a child therapist and it certainly helped him , just not enough to say he's happier . The only good thing he sees on all of this is that he's better at school and learned to be more focused , because the part of him not being able to talk back and be like a walking ghost of flesh and bones was definitely not the good one ...

VANCE HOPPER : The actor of this character said that his background or house life is definitely not good or supportive , specially coming from his father . I headcanon that this kid had the misfortune to have the worst type of men as his dad : aggressive , abusive , toxic and definitely not the most open minded either . I also think his mother is much of a submissive woman who accepted her fate and is way too scared to do something against her husband , which results into her not standing up for her son when he gets beat up or yelled at . Even he hates his old man with all his heart , he unconsciously became similar to him in thinking and bad temper . I also think either because of his mother or his father contacts ( not in the rich kind of way , its either because his own father works there or one of the two knows someone inside the police force ) he would set free of jail and not being sent to a juvenile rehabilitation center . After what he been through , his hate towards the world and life would increase even more , because he was the exception of out the 6 boys , the only one that the police didn't care to find and kids were grateful he was gone , that his own father was grateful that he "escaped " from his house , but his mother knew that it wasn't like that . He would feel that everyone thought he searched what happened to him , that everyone stopped fearing him to be disgusted by him , it would take a slight insult or wrong look for him to explode and beat the person . He felt conflicted , and didn't know where to go to feel better outside the mall with a pinball machine , teachers still saw him as the outcast , his " friends " didn't feel comfortable being around Vance anymore and the therapy costed way too much , or well , too much for his dad opinion . He would get into trouble more often than before , but no one would say something , they would resort to just to avoid him like an rabid dog , just like before he guess . If he's by himself , he would grow up hating himself and projecting that hate towards others , not to say that his father stopped beating his ass , but the venomous comments shamming him for what happened didn't , to the point Vance wished he was just straight beaten up like before instead of hearing those awful words every day ..

¿ What if The Grabber and the children are taken to the court of law ?

I don't think I saw people talking about this or maybe someone did but I never encounter their opinion before , but let's just say they escaped either by A or B and Albert is not killed but arrested , you know how painful would be for the boys to live the whole process until his sentence is dictated ? The constant interview with the police , the television transmitting everything , the lawyer and fake witnesses in Albert Shaw's favor , etc .

We have the Yamada and Showalter family , the Yamada family will try to get every contact to help them win the case , the best lawyers possible in the name of their son and if it's allowed , the other children too . The Showalter family would ask every neighbor in Denver to speak in favor of the children and would definitely do everything on their power to make the country know what injustice would be made if they give a monster like Albert Shaw a lower punishment that he deserves , for the people to not believe what the witnesses says and his " good man " facade and think about their children , probably with the television or radio stations help . The Arellano family would try to to avoid the public eye just like Mr Blake ( Terrance ) , unless the police , media or the court made a difference with Robin because he's hispanic , then they , specially his mother Mrs Arellano , would expose with all the tools they could get access to , the people who disrespects Robin . Terrance would try his best to not interfere with the legal process , but if someone ever tried to blame Finney for defending himself he would get physically violent , and I believe to avoid this impulsivity to happen , he would try his best not to see Albert Shaw's face and make it worse for his son . Mrs Stagg I believe would not want at first her son to live through the whole process and would have her son's mental health as priority first , but seeing that it would be more harmful than beneficial , she would be by Griffin's side until it's all over or at least that horrible man gets what he deserves . Hopper's family though , expect bad things to happen with this family . The father Mr Hopper if offered money , wouldn't care that the man that harmed his son was set free and could even force Vance to step aside of the whole legal process , or maybe not accepting money , but definitely enjoying the attention that the reporters gives him everytime they tried to speak to him for more information . The mother , Mrs Hopper does want justice for her child , but isn't sure how to help him without making her husband mad or messing up things , but she would definitely take the courage to testify against the disgusting person of name Albert Shaw , even she doesn't know if what she's doing will bring her consequences , since Albert's lawyer accused them of being involved with police corruption .

I think all of them would collaborate as much as possible for the life imprisonment to be dictated for " The Grabber " , repeating their testimony as many times as necessary , even if they feel ashamed if any SA happened and would take them a timespan to open up to the detectives and the court .

¿ Would they tell their friends or family what happened ? ¿ How they would continue their lives ?

Definitely it's different on each case / boy , and we're definitely not on the same line as before with the law happening because once dead , the only thing left of " The Grabber " is the damage he caused in these boys . The police demands their testimony , they get it , and it's over , but what the details they don't release on public ? Would the boys tell those closed to them what exactly happened underground with that man ?

Those details : Paranormal activity , Gwendolyn Blake / Max Shaw participation , starvation , dehydration , the state of the kids the moment they're found ( Dirty , bloody , skinny , with dry white lips , perhaps with missing pair of clothes ) , SA towards the missing children

VANCE HOPPER : If possible , he would keep every detail to himself , internalized homophobia and sexism would live with him as he grows up to be a volatile man that would have a hard time trusting other people and keeping his job . Would rely on drinking or physical violence to cope the trauma , definitely isolating himself , perhaps changing Pinball for gambling machines . In a very heated period of life , he may consider suicide or commit illegal acts

BRUCE YAMADA : Asked his parents to not let anything come out of the police station that wasn't already said on TV , his parents asked him why , but he only told them to do it for him . Would deny or avoid talking about what happened focusing to become the baseball player he always dreamed to be . It isn't until one day , as a already famous hitter of strikes , in a interview a reporter asks him if any SA happened during his time captive by the criminal " The Grabber " . Bruce couldn't stop his hands from trembling and his voice to stutter after the interview . This would make him have panic and anxiety attacks , fearing the public eye as he never did before , but the more you try to run away from your past , the past gets closer to catch you as time goes by . After a while , he feels like it's to time to tell the truth , and Bruce gets enough confidence and courage to speak on the media that yes , he was sexually abused by a man that kidnapped him when he was a teen , that felt that he should hide it if he wanted to be a baseball star , because society makes the SA victims feel guilty for what they live through even if it's not their fault , specially men , that either are ignored or ridiculed , treated as trash or unworthy of empathy . This would had a huge impact on the media , but also would help people to question their beliefs and speak for their experiences . When he got the permission to open a foundation for abused children and teenagers , he felt that invisible weight on his chest get lighter . The letters of fans that have been abused thanking him for speaking out loud his experience made him cry on the privacy of his house ...

GRIFFIN STAGG : Would only tell his mother if she persisted once and never talk about it again , and since Griffin's therapist died of old age , he wouldn't want any other to have a session with , wich meant he'll never tell anyone about it . He grows up to accept jobs that he changes once a while when the money ain't for him to pay the bills , like being a librarian or a janitor of different buildings , his frustrated dream of being a veterinarian would from to time to time make him feel sad about it , but he'll comfort himself by saying that at least he has enough to live good . Well , good it's what doctors say , because he's tired of the constant medical visits for his vocals and throat to be checked . It's not like a miracle would and he suddenly was healed completely and capable of speaking . It's just the same old routine since... That ...

ROBIN ARELLANO : If possible , he would deny everything that happened to him if his family wants to know " the truth " . The truth is that he tries to move on and forget , but until he gets on his period of life with confidence and cool persona back , he would feel like the worst shit ever . He grows up and gets some of his old normalcy back , the horror movies though ? Not his favorite type anymore . I believe he probably wants to become a soldier like his father , but ends up being a fire fighter or part of a rescue team , but at an adult age , because his youth would have tons of low wage jobs due his inexperience and origin . Would only confess a single time to someone that confessed to lived something similar has him , to make them know they have his support and they're not alone .

FINNEY BLAKE : Would only confess this as an adult on a dinner with his sister , breaking down , rambling nonsense that would stop once Gwen stands up from the table and hugs her big brother , rubbing his back in a attempt to comfort him . He definitely works hard to be part of the NASA workers , although as time goes by , he realizes that being astronaut was a huge responsability and demanding , and he prefers to stay as a spaceship engineer . If some collegue or superior tried to talk with him about his time being captive on the basement , he would politely ask them to change the subject of the conversation , if they persistent he would find an excuse to leave and " go back to work " . Maybe if he did choose the astronaut profession this wouldn't happened ...

BILLY SHOWALTER : If the police didn't let the people know , he would take all his memories to the grave , maybe write them if he feels the need to vent . Doesn't matter who asks , he would always deny , decline and avoid any exchange about what happened on the 78' . He wanted to become a reporter or with enough luck a businesses man , but due the circumstances he prefers to be a low profile mechanic , little does he know that one day he'll become the most expensive race cars mechanic , meeting a lot of famous people that some would become close to him . The world would only know what Billy went through once they found a notebook were every dark , depressing and specific details was written on those old pages of paper .

[hughiecampbelle]

Dependence Pt. 4 (Roy!Sibling x Roy Family)

((SUCCESSION SPOILERS))

Character/s: Connor, Kendall, Shiv, Roman, Logan

Word Count: 2,538

Warning: addiction, drugs, alcohol, death, grief

Inspired By: I Bet On Losing Dogs by Mitski

Tag: @locke-writes

A/N: This was one of the best and one of the most heartbreaking episodes I've ever seen. That being said, omfg. All I could think of was Baby Roy. My heart broke for Roman. It was beautiful and an honest portrayal of grief, but I was not ready at all. I wasn't planning on writing anymore parts, but I just couldn't help myself. This episode was too good to leave it be. I'm really happy with how it turned out! this has been my favorite series to write, Baby Roy is so fun to write and it makes me so happy to know you guys like it too!!! Thank you!! Feedback is always appreciated 💜💜💜

Dependence Pt. 1 / Dependence Pt. 2 / Dependence Pt. 3 / Dependence Pt. 5

Being The Youngest Roy Would Include Pt One.

Being The Youngest Roy Would Include Pt. Two

You can still taste the whiskey in the back of your throat. It’s a familiar burning. It’s something you shouldn’t welcome with open arms, but when have you ever turned away from a love that could kill you? When have you been shown any other kind of affection? Their hugs always came with a stab in the back, right between your vertebrae. They were always intentional with their strokes, never wanting to waste a moment, a movement. What you wouldn’t give for a drink right now. Salted rim. Ice. Something bright, something colorful, something to make this all go away. You were so close last time, tip toeing on the edge. Where he fell, you flew, dragged back by the skin of your teeth. You didn’t want to be saved, you wanted to be free. The memories are hazy, but your throat was scratchy, voice patchy, as if you’d been screaming. As if you’d been begging. No one explained, though you had a feeling they all heard. They looked at you differently now. You knew what they said behind your back, your fathers old posse, what they thought of you. Suicidal. Maybe. What did they care about? Now you started what could have been. The casket, the rows and rows of nameless faces, most never shedding a tear over your old man, over you. The violins, the church, the halo effect the light gives as if anyone in this room were remotely holy. You hadn’t had anything since the incident, nothing to drink, nothing to use, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t still feel it, want it. After the charcoal, the sick, after that, it seemed like you could never get rid of that boozy taste in your mouth. Faint, but there. Mocking you, your sobriety. What your father would have said to you after the incident plays on loop in your mind. That if you wanted to cry he would give you something to cry about, if you wanted to die he would give you something to die about.

Too late, you think, you beat me to it. 

Your mother sat beside Caroline and Kerry, making the ever rare appearance in the world to grieve her ex-spouse. She hugged you as she came in, doing the same with your brothers and sister, reminding you this wasn’t the kind of event that came with an open bar. You smiled, unsure of what else to do, unsure of what to say, struck as if you’d been slapped across the face. She wasn’t there. She didn’t see you, in that bed, in that condition. You hadn’t even attempted to call her in that haze, you’d gone to your dead father instead. You knew. You knew even as you lay dying that she would not offer the comforts you so desperately wanted. She would not let you go in peace. Someone must’ve filled her in, though by the look in her eye you’d never know it. She was as jaded and hostile as ever. She seemed satisfied with herself, her quip, moving on to your sister and her big news. Your eyes stung. Someone put their hand on your shoulder, giving it a squeeze. Connor or Kendall. You never found out who. Suddenly you were drained. Of life, of everything, wanting to lay down on the pew and sleep forever. You let your siblings talk. You let them wander off to their prospective parties, sticking by Connor like a little kid, becoming his shadow. Since that night he hasn’t let you out of his sight. He takes care of you. He makes sure you’re doing okay. The others call, checking in more than they ever have, all of them feeling guilty. You didn’t mean to. You didn’t mean to make such a mess. You were just so angry, so alone. You were tired of fighting this thing inside of you that could not be controlled, that threatened to burn you alive. 

Time passes strangely. There are gaps in between. You don’t remember sitting down or watching them carry him in, only that he rests in the aisle and you cannot stop yourself from holding your breath. You can’t take your eyes off the casket. He’s really in there, you think, he’s really gone. Part of you still thinks this is all one massive trick. That he’s going to pop up and laugh, making a fool out of all of you. You wait, but he does not stir. Despite their best efforts, Ewan takes his place at the podium. He talks of his brother and sister, Rose. Of Logan's life before you, before the money. You’d never heard any of this before. Your fathers life was a series of scattered bits of information and assumptions to fill in the gaps. You only had a handful of real facts about him, ones that weren’t superficial like his age and birthday. The realization seeps into your skin: you never even knew him. You watch the same thought in your siblings' expressions. The quiver of Roman’s bottom lip. The glazed over look in Kendall's eyes. Even Connor, your oldest brother, the one who knew him the longest, stared forward as if he were desperate to breathe and Ewans words were the only oxygen in the room. All of you hopeless without him, without this story, as if you were hearing about him for the first time. The man you wanted to be loved by so frantically was nothing but a stranger. He kept all of you at arms length, not wanting to get hurt again. Now here you were, hurting, missing out on a father, a real father, because of his fears. You dug your nails into your palms, wanting to scream. 

You watched him crumble before you. He’d been so confident, so manic, you should have known. You should have known all that pre-grieving was masochistic bullshit. His words catch in his throat, his hands shuffle his cards around, until finally he needs to step down, the tears glistening in his eyes. All of you reflectively stand, meeting him at the bottom of the stairs. He is sobbing now, trying to keep it all in. Is he in there? He asks. Can we get him out? Connor steps in front of you, taking his little brother by the arm, as if he doesn’t want you to see this, as if he can protect you from their pains, their sorrows. Roman holds his hands in front of his face, shielding himself from the fury of a ghost. Through your siblings, you grab his cards from his shaking hand. I can do it, you say, catching their eyes. Even Roman, his puppy dog eyes wide and scared and sad, are surprised. I got this. You sound more confident than you feel. None object, though you watch Ken and Shiv share an argument with just their eyes. You smile at Roman, assuring him it’s okay. You have to be there for them, too. You have to be there for them like they’ve been for you. Your tiny crowd dissipates, all of them sitting around him. You take your place at the podium. There is such a huge turnout you can’t see everyone's faces, though you have a feeling you know what they’re thinking. Frank leans over, whispers something to Gerri. You clear your throat, looking over what your brother has written. Fuck. Clutching the cards, you think quickly. The silence hangs in the air thick. I didn’t know my father, you start. Not well, at least. He wasn’t, uh, he wasn’t an easy man to get to know. Some chuckle. He spent most of his time at work, with all of you. Even as a little kid, I thought that’s where Dad lived, in the office. I had no idea uh, I had no idea they lived at home with their family. More laughter. You cannot look at anyone else but your siblings. They nod at you, encouraging you to go on. Someone got Roman water. You offer a sympathetic smile at him, knowing this will haunt him. Tears are welling up in your eyes as you speak, laughter catching in your throat. I, uh, I still can’t believe it, you know? You swallow a sob. I keep thinking that he’s going to come out of nowhere, that this was just some joke he’s playing on us. That we’ll hear his laugh out of nowhere and he’ll be back. It’s not though, it can’t be. It's too real now. Your hands begin to shake, the concerned faces of your brothers and sister blurred by tears. You catch your mother wiping her dry face with a tissue. Kendall inches forward, ready to come to your rescue. I didn’t know him well, but I miss him every single day. I miss the way he used to yell and that disappointed look he gave when we messed up. I miss his condescending tone and the way he danced around an apology. I miss him. We all do. He wasn’t uh, he wasn’t an easy man to love, but who is? 

Connor takes your hand in his, giving it three squeezes. Kendall went up, then Shiv. you can’t hear their words, you can only watch them try to keep themselves together. They share stories of your father, from a childhood before you. You liked hearing about it, as sad as it may be. You were grateful they had each other, that they didn’t grow up so alone. Your head rests on Rome’s shoulder, his sniffling quiet, cautious, as if your father could hear him. On the other side of the church, your mother sobs loudly. The rest of Logan's wives and girlfriends come to her rescue, comforting her, despite not a single tear being shed. You roll your eyes, wishing the day over as fast as possible. You keep close behind Connor and Willa, who are thanking the sea of nameless faces for coming. People you’ve never seen before, people you’ve seen in passing, in Christmas cards, others you have the terrible feeling that they came only to check that the old man was, in fact, truly dead. You take the car with them all the way to the graveyard where his mausoleum stands tall and daunting. Crisp, harsh lines draw you into where he hoped you would all be buried alongside him. If they hadn’t brought you back, if they hadn’t found you when they did, would you be in there now? Would you have taken the first available slot, destined to share eternity with a man who fucking hated you? A shudder goes through your body. Shiv mistakes it for grief, holding your arm. It is cold and sterile, the very place you would have expected him to be. The ground, the bugs, that’s too dirty. Too much. He never would have been cremated either. He didn’t want to rot, you think, as if this place could prevent that. Roman stands near the doorway, not wanting to go in. You wait beside him, not saying a word. Too much empathy, too much compassion, and you’ll drive him away. No, he just needs his time. You watch Connor place his hand on the places in the wall, as if he has already claimed it on his own. You drop your gaze, trying to stop the thoughts from coming. What if, one day, you’re the only one left? What then? How will you go on without them, all of them? Tears fall silently down your cheeks. You couldn’t do it without them. They were your mother and fathers, they raised you, they saved you. Without them, without them you would be nothing. You never would have made it this far, seen this many years. Despite their faults, despite everything, you owed your life to them. You always would. 

Your brother disappears before you can stop him, shutting himself into isolation, into the car. None of you move, none of you get up to get him, your eyes all transfixed on what’s being done before you. Settled into his final resting place. All that anger, all that rage, where does it go? Does it come back to you? Does it belong to you now? You haven’t been angry since that night, not like how it was, your rage replaced with gratitude. You weren’t happy to be back, to be here, but it was better than the alternative. If they’d had to bury you too, you’re not sure what they would have done. Before you thought your absence meant nothing. That they’d known how to function in a world without you before, they could do it again. The way they looked at you when you woke up, when you cried, you realized just how much you’d put them through, how they seemed to age decades under those fluorescent lights. You apologized profusely, but they wouldn’t hear it. They blamed themselves, all of them. You didn’t want to be here. You didn’t want to be tied back to this life, this meaningless existence, but you couldn’t let yourself hurt them anymore.

The reception is crowded, everyone sharing their condolences. Kendall gets you a water before disappearing to talk to Mencken, Roman following obediently. He makes sure you’re okay on your own, that it’ll only be a minute. You assure him you’ll be alright, really. How he would have hated this, you smile. All these people pretending to have known him, sympathizing with his children. As far as he was concerned you deserved nothing. You deserved less than nothing. You wade through the room. They’re off, doing their own things, trying each and every one of them to one day take over. You never wanted that, you never thought it was your rightful place. You know what you want and it doesn’t involve this. It doesn’t involve schmoozing, it doesn’t involve high stakes and high stress. What wouldn't save your family from this, but it’s too late. It always was. They were pitted against one another before you were even born. You sip your water, forever wishing it were something stronger. The impulse is still there. It always has been, always will be. It didn’t leave just because he did. It didn’t escape you just because he did. It sits in the middle of your chest and it is bitter for being ignored. You did it once, a whole year, you can do it again. You will do it again. If not for yourself, if never for yourself, then for them. For Connor, for Kendall, for Siobhan, for Roman. For the people who have always loved you, always will. Logan is dead. He will be. He didn’t care then and he won’t care now, but they will. It’s up to you to do better, be better, stay sober. It's not easy, it never has been, it never will be. But don’t they deserve that? Don’t each of them deserve that from you? You watch them, each of them, laugh and roll their eyes and try to find their way in this world without him. If they can do it, if they can find a reason to show up, to be there, so can you. Right?

[coolfire333]

My dad cornered me with "a serious talk" after I offhandedly mentioned how sick medication withdrawal is making me and was basically a total asshat again

He thinks I'm "chemically dependant" and that there's "no reason I should be anxious because I have a good life" and I had to lie through my teeth to say no he is not a huge part of the problem and no I've never been suicidal.

He wants me off all my meds because it shocked him with how much weight I've gained since going on them (I've told him time and time again how sensitive I am about my weight but he keeps fucking bringing it up how disgusting I am at my current size and how I'm gonna forever be unhealthy even if I lose some weight)

He is pissed at me and my mom for putting me on adhd meds because of his bad experience with them even though I'm not even on the kind he was on literally 40 years ago and the ones I'm on aren't even causing side effects other than, y'know, the ability to focus on my job and hobbies

He blames my meds for my poor performance in college (back when I was switching majors because chemistry was too stressful) instead of them being the only think that would get me out of bed and keep me from hurting myself every time I made a minor mistake

I realize the meds aren't ideal rn but they served their purpose extremely well when I really needed them and I appreciate all they've done for me and am ready to taper down or off them entirely on my own with help from my doctor

But jesus christ my dad talks like I'm addicted to hard drugs and like I am poisoning my life by seeking medical help for my adhd and ocd. He never understood that ocd and adhd are just things that a person has that can't be controlled in the sense that I didn't ask for them and nothing triggered them they're just how my brain manifests.

He also slammed into me about not having my driver's license again and used that as an example of how I'm so "dependent" on other people and also said I don't have tools to deal with my mental health normally and that I should stop going to therapy and deal with my issues alone instead of "spending money to be dependent on someone else"

Fucking god sakes why do I even tell my dad anything about my life anymore because as soon as I'm like "oh I might be struggling with xyz" it's suddenly all my fault and time for him to say I need to just follow his 100% real and true suggestions for the key to a better life. I'm not surprised this is how he's acting but it sure never fails to shock me how little he understands about my life

[chopchopslide-juggalo]

Hi, this is just something that's been sitting in my notes for a while now. I wrote it on a night where I didn't quite know what to do with myself. Most of it is fictional or exaggerated, but it captured my feelings quite well that night. I can't really describe it, so if you have a minute. I'd appreciate it if you'd just give it a go.

Warnings: mention of suicide and death, drug abuse and depression.

English is not my first language. So If you find a grammatical error just tell me nicely and I'll see what i can do.

Everybody has flaws...

and I accept them so easily.

However when i say that, I never talk about my own.

I hate the things that make me less perfect.

Less important.

Less loveable.

Less worthy to live.

.

I hate how I'm dependent on sticks of tobacco that kill my lungs when I want to calm down.

What is my right to destroy myself when others lie in the hospital, their lungs close failure, waiting for someone to die who was generous enough to donate theirs.

I could've been that someone who was so kind.... If I had died at 13.

Now my lungs would probably kill them faster than their own.

I hate that I would rather deal with an unbearable headache on the next day, than endure my non intoxicated thoughts for even a night.

I could save someone's life, giving up only a small part of my liver.

If i hadn't made the decision to drown it in poison one too many times, hoping it would make my emotions go numb.

I hate that every time I take a pill for my pain, I get tempted to take more than I should.

Someone out there is fighting for their life and I'm here only one moment away from ending my own.

I hate how I can't keep my promises, because most days I'm not even able to gather enough energy to get out of bed.

Somebody worthy and lovable has waited for me time and time again, just for me to cancel two hours after the scheduled time of meet. They got themselves ready and waited, while I laid on my bathroom floor unable to move more than a few fingers at a time.

.

I hate how I can't seem to get my shit together.

I hate how I just can't be the responsible 23 year old I'm supposed to be.

I hate how I....

hate myself...

Everything I accept, understand and forgive in others

In me

I hate.

.

Why can't I get better if I hate all of my flaws? Why can't I just stop my self-destructing and kick myself out the door to do something? How many more breaking points do I need to live through to finally stop myself?

I think about these questions a lot.... Never got a reasonable answer though.

I got better. I didn't drink all the time anymore, I didn't smoke more than 10 cigarettes a day and i stayed away from other drugs. But i still stayed in bed. And i can't understand why i couldn't make the final step. Stop with it all and get it together.

I've gone back and forth a few steps over the last few months. From total blackout for a week to only a glass wine or two.

But everytime i get to the final step

It doesn't feel like one step

It feels like a trillion

And maybe that wasn't even that wrong

Maybe if I made another trillion tiny steps the last one wouldn't be so intimidating anymore.

I push myself to do a big final step though.

I push

I push and I push and I push

I stress.

.

Stress is my worst enemy.

I'd say if it was an other who stressed me. An assignment or a driver behind me honking for me to go faster.

However I don't get assignments anymore. Not when I don't even have a job.

And I don't drive. Not when I am scared I'd accidentally kill someone, because my mind doesn't seem to work like it should.

The only one that stresses me... Is myself

I am my worst enemy.

.

[lurkerviolin]

i know this is an unhinged thought but i've been thinking it for like three days so...

Deadpool x Ted Lasso

listen, listen, hear me out!!

If we boil it down, the ship is just: (guy who is extremely chipper and funny but mostly in defense of how fucked up and dangerous he is) x (guy who is extremely chipper and sweet to distract from how fucked up and sad he is)

I mean. We have two deeply angry guys, who have never really had a chance to properly heal from what their childhoods'--in particular their fathers, depending on which Wade we're dealing with--did to them, and have decided the response is to be aggressively cheerful and quirky.

If I fully commit to the brainworms bit, I would even argue on some level they could be good for each other?

Wade is fully down with revenge/murder almost from the jump, so - something, something, he goads Ted into blowing up "at him" when he really has so many people he should be angry at that he won't let himself feel. Unrelated side note: Wade would fully unalive Tartt Sr so there's that.

And Wade has a habit of also using suicide as a drug, but if he was with someone who found that particularly triggering, it might not be the option he reaches for first anymore.

Plus, Ted's just... a good-natured guy?

I can see him taking the humor in the way Wade describes himself/his scars, but also I'm fully ignoring the canon where people puke when they see Wade's face in favor of people just... staring or pointedly not looking at him at all. I doubt Ted would do that. Just looking Wade in the eyes and talking to him like he's anyone else, immediately reaching out to shake his hand without flinching, which would probably be enough to endear him to Wade.

Also - it'd be funny to watch Wade's complete lack of filter vs Ted's southern disposition making him pearl-clutch about discussing sex. Because being real I would bet dollars to donuts Wade has some level of a corruption kink which would be entertaining, but I think it'd also be fun to have two people pleasers (I'd argue that applies to Wade when it comes to sex, at least) set their sights on pleasing each other. Ted getting manhandled into a good time seems like it'd be fun.

What? ...Is this just that shipper thing where I take two of my faves and want them to kiss?

......Anyway, thank you for coming to my tedpool talk!

[detransdamnation]

Did you/do you take any psychiatric medications with or without success? Do you have an opinion of psychiatry as a whole?

sending you a hug or a cup of tea if you prefer.

Yes, I was put on an antidepressant shortly after I was diagnosed with dysphoria and other mental health conditions. My doctor thought it would help me manage my dysphoria until I started my medical transition.

It was an extremely negative experience. I've been chronically suicidal ever since I was about seven years old, and still to this day, I have never felt as terrible as I did when I was on that drug. I almost hung myself in my best friend's closet not even a week after I was put on it. Then, after that storm cleared, I just kind of... withered. Regardless, I would remain on the drug for years afterwards with increasing dosages because the doctors had no idea what else to do with me. It seemed the protocol, if one didn't respond in therapy, was to drug the person up—even if said person was insistent, from the get-go, that their treatment was making them worse.

I tried advocating for myself but the amount of control I had in the situation was minimal because I was still only a teenager at the time and brain-fogged to hell. My being mentally unwell in general, I believe, also affected my credibility in the eyes of doctors. After I was finally permitted to taper off, I swore that I would never put myself through psychiatry again—if not for my own sanity, then out of refusal to be at the mercy of people who have the power to force me to continue taking pills lest I be labelled "a problem," or all the same, take them away when I need them most.

So, my opinion on psychiatry. I know there are a lot of thinkpieces discussing psychiatry being a pseudoscience, especially as of late. I neither agree nor disagree. I've not really delved into pieces relating to that specific topic, so I'm relatively clueless of the arguments and any studies or anecdotes which support them.

However, I am highly critical of it (psychiatry) at best, just as I am the current state of healthcare in general. I believe the psychiatric industry in its current state is overwhelmingly fundamentally similar to gender-affirming care insofar as masking symptoms rather than addressing conditions, as well as—often by nature—targeting vulnerable people who are all too often desperate to find a "quick fix" for their turmoil. I would feel uncomfortable purporting that psychiatric drugs should be abolished in their entirety because I understand they are truly necessary to manage mental health conditions in some individuals; however, I also believe they can be more maladaptive than empowering in the long-term and should therefore only be experimented with in urgent circumstances, or as an absolute last resort. Many mental illnesses are byproducts of our environment, whether in whole or in part, which strongly suggests that mental health treatment should involve not (exclusively) medication but removal of oneself from detrimental environments, and where not possible, life skills to help one to manage them.

All in all, I believe treatment constitutes a patient, of whom you generally eventually "let go" of once goals are accomplished and mental state has improved—but in these such worlds, psychiatry and the like, all too often, one creates a client, many of whom, even just anecdotally, never see an end to their suffrage even despite their long-term use of drugs which supposedly help them. I think I can, once again, acknowledge and support people who truly need medication to manage their mental health conditions whilst also expressing concern over the ethos of making people dependent on substances for their survival and functionability, particularly in cases wherein the mental illness(es) at hand can be demonstrably managed through self-help and lifestyle changes.

All this being said, my opinions have been shaped by very negative experiences, having grown up in a place where healthcare has been in shambles for more or less my entire life. You will receive a better, less biased opinion going to someone who has had a more well-rounded experience in psychiatry and healthcare.

Thank you for the kindness.

[erigold13261]

In canon, how long does everyone end up living? When will they… die?

I don't know, depends how I'm feeling honestly. Like there's no real way of saying when someone is going to die since there are a lot of factors that go into life and death.

Yinu and Mama could get into a car accident on their way to the NSR tower. Sofa could go into anaphylaxis shock from being exposed to peanuts. Neon could go to bed and all his cybernetics decide to shit the bed and he never wakes up again.

Like, depending on how I feel I make up different stories and ending for the characters. I've had plenty where Neon is dying in a hospital because he refuses to get the surgery he needs because it would remove the last human parts of him and he doesn't want that.

I've had some stories where 1010 die as children because of a horrible accident before they were ever even able to be adopted by Neon. A few stories where Eve commits suicide or Tatiana gets shot somehow.

Then there are stories where Mama lives until she is 90 and get to watch Yinu grow up fully. Or 1010 outlives everyone because of them being robots. It all really changes on chance and what story you want to tell.

I personally don't go into the future that much with my own stories. Even the Failed Revolution AU only goes like 5 years into the future. I don't like going past certain timelines because it gets convoluted or the characters don't stay in touch as much so it's not as fun to think about them since that would mean I'd have to create all kinds of new characters for them to interact with when I would prefer to stick to the main cast.

So yeah. I don't really have a canon life expectancy for everyone. Like that is not even counting elemental entities of characters where like DJ will most likely live much longer than the average human while Mama's life depends on how well she keeps up her body (which is also true to humans but she is susceptible to different kinds of diseases because of her plant half).

I guess I would say that mostly everyone lives to at least their 70s at some point. Maybe Purl and Asa might have a shorter life because of drugs and smoking. Zuke might get a sickness that leaves him dead sooner than 50. Mama might pass away earlier than 60. Tatiana could live very long or die from a stress related heart attack or something.

Sorry if this isn't what you were looking for. I just tend to reset my stories in my head when I start getting too far beyond the current timeline. That's why I don't go into "next generation" things with kids or something most of the time. Because I just don't see the appeal as much as other people do. Wish I could, but I am a person who resets the Sims when I get 2 generations in, so I am a very short sighted person lol.

[pain-suffering-even]

headcanons: Choi Jongin

so sorry about this being late... i know i promised it forever ago, but i've been really worried about whether or not people will like these headcanons until i realized it doesn't really matter lmao. though here's a disclaimer anyway: i've absolutely used my creative liberty with these characters, and you'll probably have one or two moments where you go "they would never fucking say that," or something along those lines. these are just. blorbos that have been rotting in my brain and i have finally given them their poor little meow meow backstories that have absolutely nothing to do with canon. so :) just keep this in mind with these headcanons, and any future ones i post. i'm just throwing my 2 cents into the fandom, even if they are a very niche 2 cents.

last thing. this is long. i've done my best to shorten it. rip to mobile users.

content warning for mention of drug abuse and attempted suicide.

Quick headcanons -

Name: Choi Jongin

Age: 28

Gender: Male

DOB/Place: May 3rd, 2032 in Seoul, South Korea 

Rank/Type: S Rank Mage

Guild/Occupation: Hunter’s Guild Leader

Past Occupation(s): Fiend Guild 

Skills: Fire go boom 

Weapons: Rings, Gauntlet

Family: Smith Seunghee (mom) (alive) 

Kang Donghyuk (biological dad) (unknown) 

Choi Jeonghan (stepdad) (alive) 

Core headcanons - 

Hidden talent: pencil/charcoal/oil pastel art

Favorite food: Deep fried chicken drumsticks 

What motivates them: Protecting those he loves, even if it means sacrificing himself + proving others wrong (others being Yoonho and Hwang Dongsuk) + giving his cat Kiwi a good life

Treasured possession: Jintao Brown’s red flannel jacket 

Deepest secret: He used to be addicted to ecstasy and has relapsed once already 

Best/Worst thing to happen to them: Lim Taegyu taking a chance on him/Getting sent to that boarding school 

Random memories: Finding Kiwi as in the rubble of Jeju and smuggling her home in his cape; having too realistic of a nightmare when he was a child and watching the sunrise from his window; Taegyu yelling at him for smoking inside his office; meeting Yoonho for the first time at the testing center, and the fight that followed; the first crush he had on a guy that was in his high school class; riding bikes with Jintao Brown to the track during the summer and having a picnic nearby as their weekly not-date-but-kinda-date;  

Best friend/Worst enemy: Lim Taegyu/Hwang Dongsuk

Good/Bad traits: Smart, dependable, funny/Competitive, arrogant, independent, distant, protective, 

Things they’ve done/like to do:Lit his kitchen on fire trying to make maruchan noodles, collects candles, 

Personality type: “Defender” ISFJ-A (22% extraverted, 78% introverted; 43% intuitive, 57% observant; 46% thinking, 54% feeling; 92% judging, 8% prospecting; 65% assertive, 35% turbulent) 

Nervous habit: Clenching his hands/teeth, twisting his rings, 

Things they’re afraid of: Sleeping, as he usually has nightmares, lighting his cat on fire,  

Things they want to accomplish: Building a cat tree for Kiwi his cat, learning to at least boil an egg with his powers, finish a decent portfolio of his oil pastel works, draw more portraiture of people around him (Taegyu, Haein, Jinchul, Yoonho unfortunately, etc) 

Additional headcanons -

Doesn't like kiwis because of their texture. Also, they are hairy 

Goes with maroon and blood orange, but that's because hes a fire mage - he actually likes blue

Has a habit of manually sharpening pencils from his artist days 

He really like dinosaurs, especially the brontosaurus 

Very interested in true crime, he was originally in college to be a forensic scientist

His fingers are usually dirty whenever he's stressed, as he draws when he can't sleep. He also smells a lot like pencil shavings and oil pastels 

Has tried to quit smoking 3 separate times but it never seems to work 

Their Timeline -

Age 12: leaves for boarding school 

2 years pass

Age 14: does ecstasy for the first time

Age 15: starts “dating” Jintao Brown

Age 16: learns he isn’t his stepdads son 

Age 17: unsuccessful suicide attempt + graduates 

Age 18: gets his rank + joins the Fiend Guild + attempts to sober up 

Age 19: his parents divorce 

Age 20: Taegyu confronts him about his addiction 

3 years pass

Age 23: fight with Hwang + sobers up 

Age 24: creates the Hunters Guild 

Age 25: first Jeju raid + gets Kiwi 

Age 26: second Jeju raid

Age 27: third Jeju raid

Age 28: now

[nathank77]

11/12/24

6:58 p.m Added to 7:15 p.m

All of a sudden my pecs muscles got really fucking sore... and I mean really fucking sore. When I'm at the gym i do not feel those muscles doing the work even when I target them. When I do say shoulder workouts I fucking feel it...

Idk if i should go to the gym tomorrow or not. Maybe i should wait until Thursday. I don't want to wait but I mean they are sore to the touch. Movement not as much but a little. Super sore to the touch though.

If I go i could try to work on my back, biceps, triceps and shoulders... and skip running idk.

I've been thinking about talking to my Dr about quiting cigarettes bc for one I could get nicotine replacement products for free and that could help me slow down and save a little money or actually help me quit. I do want to slow down. I don't really want to quit bc i have no reason to. Like let's be real:

1) i can't drink bc of xanax like ever again....

2) I can't smoke weed bc of my auditory hallucinations otherwise that would be my replacement....

3) i can't get more benzos, my script is reliable and I'm lucky. I can't get more. And id never do stimulants or narcotics unless I needed them... but I don't and I don't want to be chemically dependent on them.

The reasons for quiting are all valid and there are a lot of them.

Problem is i have a major chemical addiction to them... I need chemical help... but even with chemical help I need more than that..

I have nothing to replace it with. I have no one to talk to. And despite all the wonderful health benefits I mean, I plan on drinking a red bull and smoking a yummy cigarette and puffing on a thc vape the day I kill myself right before the drugs take me to my death.......

If I were to quit i need a support system. If I got the chemicals aids I could use them to reduce my daily cigarette amounts and actually slow down bc i really fucking started smoking a carton in 2 weeks... I used to smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a week.. now it's like 5...

I mean idk i would need a support system but I supoose if I get some free nicotine products i could slow down and then go to new Hampshire next month and maybe have a carton last me 3 weeks.

I truly cannot quit cigarettes when I have no one. I could slow down and I mean I only see it happening with a nicotine substitute...

If I had a gf and a kid, I'd already be on nicotine replacement products. Cause id have the only thing i ever needed people who cared about me and love and a healthy environment..

The other issue is my mother smokes and being around it even seeing someone light up a cigarette in a movie makes me want one.

I wish my auditory hallucination would go away and I could replace it with weed and nicotine replacement products and wean down on those until there is no nicotine.

No support system equals no fucking reason other than to save a little money long term... so I'll slow down.

I did the math if I quit cigarettes and I mean id save a lot but I wouldn't even have enough to get a room for rent for 3 months. That's the gross part. I could just buy myself more stuff.

It isn't worth it to quit but I do need to slow down. I used to go to new Hampshire once ever 2 1/2 months and get the same amount of cartons.... now it's a month and half... for the same amount of cigarettes....

I'm sick of going but even though new Hampshire is charging more than they used to I'm still saving 60$ a CARTON. Which is ridiculous. They went up about 20$ a carton since I started going.

Either way until I have a person and a reason and a purpose and support and can get away from this shitty dog and my shitty mother i can only try to slow down.. maybe i can incorporate a hit of weed in my diet once every 5 hours and see how I fair but I'm scared tbh... I don't want to make my hallucination any fucking worse.

Idk i just know if I go out the way i want to in my 80s, with a terminal illness before it gets bad and I have a quality of life. I'll be doing physician assisted suicide. I'll have a vape of weed. A red bull and a cigarette and wait until the drugs knock me out.

To put it plainly and simply i have nothing in my life that gives me dopamine except:

1) cigarettes

2) Xanax

3) food

4) orgasms

And I only get Xanax once a day.. if I quit I'm losing all that dopamine and I'll just be fucking depressed with no vice and no one to talk to. I really fucking have no one

[je-suis-problematique]

*inhales* *exhales* So. Addiction.

Triggering topics below the cut.

We were addicts long before we ever touched street drugs – we've been abusing Klonopin for years before the street drugs came along and it's a medicine that was prescribed to us at age 17 if I'm not mistaken. The body is 26 right now.

I don't know what started it if I'm being completely honest. I think it was instantaneous once we figured out Klonopin gets you high, we just.... started craving it I guess. Chasing after it. Because when we were high on Klonopin it didn't matter that we were victims of CSA and domestic violence, it didn't matter that we were bullied everywhere we went, it didn't matter that we started thinking about death at age 12 or that our closest friend ended up becoming our biggest abuser (besides all the adults in our life). It didn't matter that every waking moment was pure Hell, because when we were high on Klonopin we didn't feel any of that. We didn't feel stressed, anxious, suicidal, triggered, angry, or afraid. We felt.... at peace. Happy, even. Giddy. It made us more social, more bold, less meek, less frightened. For a few hours while the drug was in full effect we weren't a prey animal anymore. And that felt AMAZING. But quite frankly I don't remember when abusing Klonopin became an actual habit or when we went from 0.5 mg to 30 mg per day. It just happened at some point. At some point we became so dependent on Klonopin that whenever we didn't have any on hand we'd feel awful. In the past we'd substitute the pills for booze, and that developed a whole new habit of its own. First it was pills OR drink, then it was pills WITH drink. Weed, too, whenever we could get any. We'd usually pilfer some from our drinking buddies, we'd rarely if ever buy it ourselves, so it wasn't too-too often that we smoked pot, but it would still happen here and there.

It was contained, at first. But then we started day drinking, and then we started going to work high/drunk, and going to important meetings high/drunk, and generally just spending more time being under the influence than we did sober. We'd pop an obscene amount of pills or drink a bottle and a half of vodka every time we felt a vaguely uncomfortable emotion. The slightest inconvenience would become a good enough reason to get wasted – we just couldn't cope with life sober. The fact that we were in an abusive/toxic relationship at the time was not helping, either. It was abusive/toxic on both sides in the sense that we hurt them and they hurt us but that's exactly it, SOMEBODY was ALWAYS getting hurt, and that would be considered a normal Tuesday morning. Just existing at home felt as if we are being chased by tigers at all times. It was stressful, it was bad, and it lasted for literal years, so, we had a reason to use every single day. And that's exactly what we did. And try as we might to hide it from our partner system, you can't really hide the stench of alcohol or the fact you slur your words when you speak and can't type coherently. They knew. And it made our relationship with them worse than it already was since it became the subject of many arguments and fights but no matter how much we fought, we didn't even THINK about quitting. We didn't really want to.

The decision to start using street drugs was mine and I made it while high off my ass on Klonopin already. It was the middle of a Thursday night and I felt like the Klonopin high was not enough, I needed something stronger to feel satisfied. So I downloaded Telegram, which is where most people in my city get their drugs from, and blindly searched for someone who sells that sort of stuff. I had absolutely NO idea what I was doing, I've never spoken with dealers before, I literally just typed the word "Cocaine" into the search bar to find some groups that I immediately joined without thinking before starting to chat people up. Somehow that worked though, because several verifications that I'm not a cop later, I had 2 grams of Cocaine in my hands. I did a couple of lines, got the high I wanted, felt good about myself.... And then reality hit me like a bus. I just impulsively purchased Cocaine from some dude I found on Telegram. It TERRIFIED me, to think I reached a new personal low. So I called my social worker in the middle of the night, still high mind you, and told him everything. The next day he had me locked up in a psych ward.

I was in the hospital for 3 weeks before I was discharged and during that time, the fear I had about what I'd done.... dissipated. I made peace with what happened and actually thought of buying from that dealer AGAIN, because I liked the Cocaine high. I was hooked. And the moment I returned home I just went berserk. I bought a little bit of everything, eager to try every flavor of high there is. We still had money at the time so funds weren't an issue and honestly I wasn't even thinking about going broke when I bought pretty much everything the dealer had to offer and it was EXPENSIVE. THOUSANDS of NIS went down the drain while I was shopping around for the best high, TENS OF THOUSANDS even. I even made him get me some Cyanide because I was beginning to plan what I thought would be the "perfect" suicide one of those coming days. Soon enough I was completely broke so I started taking loan after loan after loan. Our debt to the bank alone stands at 100K NIS at the moment, all thanks to our drug habit. Good thing we managed to get a lawyer for that. But anyway.... Fentanyl was it.

I didn't really like anything I bought until my dealer suggested I try smoking Fentanyl so I did, and as I later found out from fellow addicts in rehab months later, I overdosed on it that night and passed out. It's a miracle I woke back up at all but as you've probably learned by now my self-preservation skills are shit so I tried it again. And again. And again and again, and kept overdosing on it, again and again, until I learned the right way and the right dose to smoke per-use. Fentanyl was like a miracle drug for me because it did everything Klonopin did only better. Stronger. So I kept buying more and I kept using it, hiding it from everyone except for two friends. The only friends I have, really. THEY knew everything, but my social worker didn't, my doctors didn't, my now-ex didn't. I mean, my ex probably GUESSED or ASSUMED given my history but I don't think I acted that weird or anything while being on Fentanyl. It made me calm and elevated my mood but that's about it, really. I was still able to function, still able to speak and type. I didn't sway or stumble when I walked and I was mostly alert. So I don't really know if they knew at the early stages.

I tried to quit once before the big detox. I was okay at first but once the withdrawal symptoms hit me I broke and bought more drugs. It took me another while to try again but the second time I went with the detox 'till the end. I even kept the hospital blanket I was given when my social worker took me to the ER as a sort of reminder of the Hell I've been through to quit Fentanyl. The detox was.... traumatizing, to say the least. Imagine you're experiencing both hot and cold flashes at the same time, you're sweating profusely, you're shaking like a leaf for no reason, you vomit everything that you try to ingest to the point you can't even keep water down, you're shitting yourself, everything hurts, you're blacking out, AND you have to go through all of this alone at the ER for hours where the doctors and nurses mostly ignore you because your country's at war and the injured soldiers are more important (and your social worker just left you there with 15% battery on your phone). Yep. I was on the phone with my friends half the time for moral support just crying and sobbing repeating the phrases "I'm scared" and "I want to die" like a broken record whenever I wasn't busy puking. I was exhausted when I got back home the same night but still couldn't fall asleep so I just watched animated films until morning came.

We stayed clean for 2 months after the detox but Zed, God bless her, relapsed and dragged the rest of the system back down into drug use. I avoided the front like the plague knowing this though I won't lie, I may have partook in it too once or twice myself and just don't remember I did, even after making my big promises not to touch drugs again and all. I may have snorted a powder or taken a pill but I managed to MOSTLY stay clean, personally speaking. Right now we are about a month clean from all substances and we're managing to keep it up, mostly because we owe our dealer 4K NIS and just can't afford to buy more drugs even if we wanted to. We've decided to block him and not pay the debt so if we disappear one day we've probably been murdered or something.✌️Just a heads up. I'll probably talk about our time in rehab in a separate post since this one is already long enough as it is, but.... just know that I won't have anything positive to say about that experience either. If you've read the whole thing then, honestly, thank you for taking the time to read about our journey. It means a lot, especially when we feel so isolated as of late. Cheers to you.

– Chris

[aziraphalesangel]

I've been lucky, I know, with my experience in the mental health system. I got all my care through outpatient; none of my team work with me through a hospital based practice. and I think that makes a huge difference, but again, I was lucky. right place right time. and by then I'd worked in a mental health unit as part of the nursing staff long enough to know I never ever want to be admitted.

and I'm saying this as someone who's been both mentally ill and worked in mental health, that although I loved working at that unit, there are so many things on a systemic level that I really really hate about the inpatient system.

I have a friend. who, mentally, started going rapidly downhill at about the same time as me. similar presentation if I'm honest; severe depression, rapid weightloss and self harm. she lost more weight than me (and I mean A Lot), but she'd been maybe 20kg heavier at the start so she got compliments when I started getting concern. I hit her "goal weight" and I could see how bitter she was even as she held me up to stop me fainting. But she was so much louder about her pain than me, and people got worried. and here's the difference between her and me that mattered:

she told people she was purging, she told people she was restricting, she told people she was cutting. But most importantly? she told people not just that she was suicidal, but that she had already attempted more than once (she totalled 6 times that year that I know of. she's still alive, don't worry.)

Straight to emergency, scheduled under the mental health act. She was in that hospital for 3 months, then back in again a week after her first discharge.

Good, I thought. She'll be safe.

But here's the problem with the inpatient system - it relies incredibly heavily on pathologisation, medication and chemical restraint. It took me 2 years to get a formal diagnosis, but I still had my treatment plan, I still got help, and I have coping mechanisms that are both healthier and not dependent on "as needed" medication (take my antidepressants out of my cold dead hands though, don't get me wrong, I love medication. magic stuff. I'll get to my point).

She got not just one, but 4 diagnoses in that first admission. Because you have to have a diagnosis in hospital right? that's how treatment works. you can't have antipsychotics without psychosis. her whole outpatient team is made up of the inpatient treating team, the hospital allied health and nurses and dieticians. Her care plan was and still is, very different to mine.

And now it's 2022, and I'm watching her collecting diagnoses like pokemon cards, and taking heavy meds like they're lollies, and still looking for more, because there's one last symptom that hasn't been managed.

I have a panic attack and I'm told to breathe. she has a panic attack and she gets told to take 20mg of diazepam. this is the fundamental difference between inpatient and outpatient mental health.

And now it's 2022, and she's so overmedicated but she still has depression, and anxiety, and anorexia nervosa, and so do I but shes on uppers and downers and she's still all over the place and on a night out she doubles her ADHD meds (I was so mad when she went on them. dexys might treate adhd but they also treated binge eating disorder. I will never forgive that psychiatrist for giving her eating disorder another tool to hurt her) and skips her benzos (she's fully dependent on them now. panic attacks and insomnia if she skips a dose) so that she can stay awake.

And I'm so angry, at the system, at her, though it's not her fault, that she's got all these drugs and no coping mechanisms. that when she disascociates she blames her "shitty brain" and not the cocktail of antipsychotics and benzodiazapines and antidepressants, which all have sedative effects that can be described as being in a disascociative state. I'm so angry that they failed her.

There are good people working in the system. I have been very, very lucky. But I hate what the inpatient mental health system does to people, not always, but often enough.

And I miss my friend.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hey Steph! I've been really craving some good post TRF stuff. I know I've read some before, where Sherlock is back but is dealing with extreme PTSD and trauma, and so he either doesn't know who he is/doesn't know that it's safe again. I can't think of the name for the life of me, but I'm sure there are several that fit the bill. Can you help??

Hi Nonny!

Ohh hmm, I honestly don’t know if I’ve that one or not… like it SOUNDS familiar, but I’m not finding it on my other lists related to this. But I do have quite a few post-TRF fics that I haven’t posted in awhile, so you can check out my updates to my past two lists, and hopefully you find something you enjoy on it!

REUNION and OTHER POST-TRF FICS Pt. 3

See also:  

Reverse Reichenbach

Reverse Reichenbach Pt. 2 

Reunion Fics and Other Post TRF Fics 

Reunion Fics and Other Post TRF Fics Pt. 2 

The Empty Hearse-Related Fics

Nightmares, PTSD, Panic Attack, & Mental / Emotional Turmoil

Nightmares, PTSD, Panic Attack, & Mental / Emotional Turmoil Pt. 2

MASTERPOST: TRF/Reunion Fics (Dec 2019)

REUNION

Between Asleep and Awake by katydidit (K, 4,309 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Sick Fic, Post-TRF / Reunion) – John is sick. Incredibly, extremely, dangerously sick. Plagued by a high fever, he begins to hallucinate, start seeing things that aren't really there. Because they can't be there. Can they?

The Haunting of 221B Baker Street by earlgreytea68 (M, 10,388 w., 2 Ch. || Post TRF, Halloween / Ghosts, Pining Sherlock, Ghost Sherlock, Stroppy Sherlock, Sherlock POV, First Kiss/Time, Angry Sex, Ghost Sex, Love Confessions, Open / Ambiguous Ending) – In which Sherlock Holmes is a ghost.

I Think I've Come A Long Long Way To Sit Before You Here Today by ArwenKenobi (T, 18,251 w., 3 Ch. || Grief/Mourning, Passage of Time, Major Character Death, Alternating POV, Sherlock Whump, Pining Sherlock, Hospitalization, Coma, Revenge Murders, Hallucinations, Love Confessions, Brutal Accident, Mystrade, Ghost John) – One year after John is killed Sherlock starts to wonder whether John has actually gone anywhere.

Silhouettes by allonsys_girl (E, 28,585 w., 7 Ch. || Canon Compliant, Heavy Drinking, Sad/Depressed John, Grief/Mourning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Reunion, Foot Jobs, Blow Jobs, Infidelity, Cheating, Drug Use/Abuse, Anal, Switchlock, Rimming, Parentlock) – Sherlock and John find comfort in each other's arms, but as ever with these two, it's not your typical relationship. It's fluffy at the beginning, gets deeply angsty in the middle, gets porny at the end.

A Home for Us by sussexbound (M, 30,581 w., 12 Ch. || Scars, Bedsharing, Grief, Doctor John, Hurt/Comfort, Post-TRF, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Heavy Emotions, Clingy Sherlock, Hallucinations, Disassociation, Emotional Turmoil) – He has been on the road for two years, and he is exhausted. He’s almost accepted that he will never see London (John) again—almost. But then there are nights like tonight, where he is weak, and all he can think of is the warmth of the flat they once shared, the crackle of the fire in the hearth, the teasing smile playing at the corner of John’s lips, the boxes of half-eaten Chinese takeaway balanced precariously in their laps. He aches at the memory of it, at the realisation that it is something he may never experience again.

Impossible to Feign by achray (M, 49,204 w., 12 Ch. || TRF Rewrite / Reverse Reichenbach, Suicidal Ideations / Discussions, Drug Use/Abuse, Mutual Pining, Friends With Benefits, John Accepts his Sexuality, Anxious Sherlock, Meddling Mycroft, Depression, Hallucinations, Secret Agent John, BAMF John, Reunion, Make-Up Sex, Ambiguous Ending) – Sherlock leant forward, his long fingers curving round to grip John’s.“I won’t let him win,” he said, eyes hard. “I will do whatever it takes to get you out.”

The Burning by SrebrnaFH (M, 60,658 w., 24 Ch. || Reverse Reichenbach, Suicide, Depression, Hurt Sherlock / John, Separation, BAMF John, Good Big Brother Mycroft, Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, Fake Character Death, Rescue Mission, Reconciliation / Reunion, Hospitalization, Marriage Proposal, Illnesses, Physical Therapy, Happily Ever After) – Something went very, very wrong. John had seemed, if not happy, then reasonably content with his life. Sherlock had never predicted something like THIS might have happened. Not in his worst nightmares. He was the lousiest friend ever, apparently. At least Mycroft found him something to occupy his mind with, so that he didn't have to go back to 221B and stare at the walls and the chair, where John Watson would never sit again.

The Adventure of the Silver Scars by tangledblue (NR [M], 142,458 w., 41 Ch. || S3 Fix-It, Post-HLV/ Post-TAB / Canon Compliant, Case Fic, No Baby, Angst, Humour, UST, Slow Burn, Angry John, Reconciliation, Not Nice Mary / Leaving Mary, Dependent Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Caretaker John, Fist Fights, It’s An Experiment, Virgin Sherlock, Dancing, Drugging, John Whump, Pet Names, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Scars) – It’s been thirteen months since Mary shot Sherlock and John finds he’s still pissed off about it. Sherlock had thought everything was settled: John and Mary, domestic bliss. But when John turns up at Baker Street with suitcases, the world’s only consulting detective might not be prepared for the consequences. A new case. Some old scores to settle. Certain danger. Concertos, waltzes, and whisky.

OTHER POST-TRF

BBCSH 'The Comfort of Company' by tigersilver (T, 2,769 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TRF/Mary, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Bed Sharing, Grumpy John, Touching, Clingy/Handsy Sherlock, Cranky Sherlock, Fluff and Light Angst) – It's a trope that John and Sherlock end up sharing in the same bed eventually and I admit I do adore it unconditionally, along with all it infers as to the lowering of defenses and the heightening of trust. I put forth for your consideration that the notion persists because those who think about these things realize these two men are each in dire need of some good company.

Sometimes When We Touch by kedgeree (M, 7,755 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, First Kiss/Time, Inappropriate Giggling, Romance, Friends to Lovers, Virgin Sherlock, John Whump, Touching) – John might be touching Sherlock a little more often than is strictly necessary. Sherlock probably hasn't even noticed. Right...?

The Haunting of 221B Baker Street by earlgreytea68 (M, 10,388 w., 2 Ch. || Post TRF, Halloween / Ghosts, Pining Sherlock, Ghost Sherlock, Stroppy Sherlock, Sherlock POV, First Kiss/Time, Angry Sex, Ghost Sex, Love Confessions, Open / Ambiguous Ending) – In which Sherlock Holmes is a ghost.

To Mend Icarus by AlessNox (T, 29,186 w., 14 Ch. || Post-TRF, Friendship, Drama, BAMF!John, Emotional Turmoil, Introspection, Harry is in this Fic, Angry John, Happy Ending, Queerplatonic Relationship) – After a case lands John Watson in court, he tells Sherlock that he is leaving. Not understanding why, Sherlock decides that the only way to learn the truth is to investigate his flatmate, Dr. John Watson. A revision of the story Mending Icarus.

A Home for Us by sussexbound (M, 30,581 w., 12 Ch. || Scars, Bedsharing, Grief, Doctor John, Hurt/Comfort, Post-TRF, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Heavy Emotions, Clingy Sherlock, Hallucinations, Disassociation, Emotional Turmoil) – He has been on the road for two years, and he is exhausted. He’s almost accepted that he will never see London (John) again—almost. But then there are nights like tonight, where he is weak, and all he can think of is the warmth of the flat they once shared, the crackle of the fire in the hearth, the teasing smile playing at the corner of John’s lips, the boxes of half-eaten Chinese takeaway balanced precariously in their laps. He aches at the memory of it, at the realisation that it is something he may never experience again.

Impossible to Feign by achray (M, 49,204 w., 12 Ch. || TRF Rewrite / Reverse Reichenbach, Suicidal Ideations / Discussions, Drug Use/Abuse, Mutual Pining, Friends With Benefits, John Accepts his Sexuality, Anxious Sherlock, Meddling Mycroft, Depression, Hallucinations, Secret Agent John, BAMF John, Reunion, Make-Up Sex, Ambiguous Ending) – Sherlock leant forward, his long fingers curving round to grip John’s.“I won’t let him win,” he said, eyes hard. “I will do whatever it takes to get you out.”

The Burning by SrebrnaFH (M, 60,658 w., 24 Ch. || Reverse Reichenbach, Suicide, Depression, Hurt Sherlock / John, Separation, BAMF John, Good Big Brother Mycroft, Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, Fake Character Death, Rescue Mission, Reconciliation / Reunion, Hospitalization, Marriage Proposal, Illnesses, Physical Therapy, Happily Ever After) – Something went very, very wrong. John had seemed, if not happy, then reasonably content with his life. Sherlock had never predicted something like THIS might have happened. Not in his worst nightmares. He was the lousiest friend ever, apparently. At least Mycroft found him something to occupy his mind with, so that he didn't have to go back to 221B and stare at the walls and the chair, where John Watson would never sit again.

[scripttorture]

Hey, I've got a character for a little novella that's pretty thoroughly tortured using forced drug abuse and whatnot, but I've been toying with the idea of having his eyes stitched shut for sensory deprivation purposes. Any thoughts on long-term effects of a few months with your eyes sewn shut? Psychological or physical, I'm just not finding a lot out there about that SPECIFIC torture given (I imagine) how excessive and 'extra' it is when there are other methods.

To be honest I’d generally suggest changing to torture methods that aremore commonly used.

 Torturers do experimentoccasionally but more often- they’re creatures of habit. They tend to do moreor less exactly the same thing to everyone they encounter. That allows us tobuild up torture trials and it allows Rejali to describe ‘NationalStyles’.

 Forced drug abuse is very very rare in a torture context. That’s partlybecause it is easy to test someonefor drugs, partly because of expense, and partly because it’s often moredifficult to force someone to take a drug than use another method. In mostplaces where torture occurs drugs are not hugely readily available and theirpresence would need to be explained.

 I generally suggest that people don’tuse this because it’s used so often in fiction and (outside of people smugglinggangs) it’s rarely used in reality.

 Sewingsomeone’s eyes shut isn’t sensory deprivation.To meet the definition more than one sense has to be restricted. Sensorydeprivation generally masks or removes at least four senses; sight, sound, touch and smell. This is next toimpossible to do without a purpose built set up and it is almost non-existent in reality.

 Which is a good thing because sensory deprivation is so hugely damagingthat depending on the method the ‘safe’ time period is probably somewherebetween 24 hours and three. Sensorydeprivation for more than one day is extreme.The longest recorded period of sensory deprivation a victim has survived is 35days.

 Victims of sensory deprivation for extreme periods of time also suffermuch more severe effects than virtually any other torture. Follow up studies ona small group who’d been experimented on found memory loss in 60% ofsurvivors that ranged from six months toten years worth of missing memories. Some of the survivors had lost theability to recognise faces and ordinary objects. Three quarters essentiallycouldn’t socialise with others. The vast majority were hospitalised.

 There’s also never been arecorded case of sensory deprivation being used to torture. It has been used in unethical experimentsbut the number of experiments and victims was small.

 This has never been common, it’s not what you’re describing in your askand honestly it’s best avoided.

 As for sewing someone’s eyes shut-

 I’ve never heard of thathappening in a torture case. Scarring tortures are rare now generally butsomething that obvious- I’m having to trouble thinking of anywhere it could happen.

 In every country I can think of where scarring torture still occurs italmost certainly wouldn’t happenbecause if the torturers wanted to blind their victim they wouldn’t worry aboutdoing it temporarily. They’d just attack the eyes.

 And well- in the minority of places where scarring torture still occursit looks completely different to what you’ve outlined.

 We’re not talking drugs andfiddly things that might possibly be fixed one day. We’re talking shatteredbones and pulled teeth and extensive burns. Hell in parts of Nigeria one of thecommon occurrences is shooting someone in the leg or the hand.

 Basically torturers either care about being found out (and hence makesure the victim won’t show anyobvious signs of abuse) or they don’t. And if they don’t then there’s no reasonfor them to take precautions.

 Sewing someone’s eyes shut is more complicated than cutting them out andboth are obvious and scarring. If a torturer doesn’t need to worry about scarsI really see no reason why they’d be worried about whether or not the victimmight recover their eyesight later.

 To me this seems a little…confused because it almost seems to beimplying that the torturers care about the victim’s long term survival andability to recover. In which case why are they torturing at all? If they wantto keep their prisoner alive and non-disabled torture would go against thoseaims.

 I’d strongly suggest re-thinking this. Both in terms of the torturetechniques used and in terms ofthrowing around things like ‘sensory deprivation’ when that’s not what you’redescribing. Because at the moment what you’ve picked is a very long way fromreality.

 Having said all of that- there’s nothing in what you’ve written whichsuggests torture apologia to me. And I do know somewhere you might be able tofind out more about eyes being sewn shut.

 I haven’t seen it in torture cases but I have seen it in protests. Refugees and asylum seekers in Australianand British detention centres have sewnboth their lips andeyes shut at various points in protest at their treatment. These sources contain pictures.

 Sewing up the mouth appears to be more common, presumably because it isless risky.

 The practice usually seems to be accompanied by hunger strikes andthreats of self harm or suicide, sometimes by self immolation. It’s a desperate,last ditch attempt to get someone in authority to pay attention to the protest,often when the individuals involved seem to have lost all hope of survival.

 I’ve also heard of it being used occasionally in some groups that practice forms of body modification for spiritual purposes. I don’t have a deep understanding of these groups or their religions so I’m going to leave that there. 

I’ve never heard of someone having their eyes sewn shut for such anextended period of time as you’re planning. Most of the accounts I’ve seendescribe days, perhaps a week. I’m not sure it would be possible to have acharacter’s eyes sewn shut for months and recover eye sight later. Which seemsto go against the presumed purpose of sewing the character’s eyes shut in thefirst place.

 I couldn’t find an extensive list of side effects so what follows is mybest guess based on my knowledge and what I did find.

 Infections of the eyelid, tear ducts and cornea all seem extremelylikely. Damage to the surface of the eye seems extremely likely, possibly tothe extent that it could be described as scarred.

 It would impair the ability to remove contamination from the eye surfaceand it’s likely the stitching itself would introduce contamination andirritants. The entire eye could swell up for a variety of reasons (unable toremove irritants, infection).

 Beyond that I’m not sure. My level of medical knowledge isn’t reallygood enough for me to be sure what else this might do. Losing both eyes toinfection seems very likely though.

 As for psychological effects those do not generally depend on the typeof torture technique used. Youcan find out more about them here.

 I hope that helps. :)

Disclaimer

[sc-ay-more]

I want to hate you so much, to hold a grudge and I guess in a sense just by having those desires I do. Truthfully though I know I still care for you. If you reached out to me I would be there for you and it wouldn't matter how long it's been, when you did or what you needed. I'd do close to anything to help you.

I hate that too, that a part of me just wishes I could be your rock again, that I could take care of you again, that I think about you so often and you probably never think of me at all.

You got to move on and it truthfully isn't fair that you did. You had him in the waiting, you were cheating for months. Why do you get to be the one that doesn't have to think about that? I wasn't perfect but I didn't deserve that.

I guess there is some solace in the fact that you're still together, maybe he really was the one you were supposed to be with and not me. Of course a part of me thinks it knows you and you're just with him because you lost me. If I hadn't broken up with you then you would have still been with me. You wouldn't have picked him, you would have kept cheating but in the end we would have been together and moved away, forgetting him.

That's probably my inner arrogance showing, believing I am/was the best option. It ignores the fact that I wasn't what you needed me to be and sharing me with the Navy was too great a strain. The Navy only exacerbated our problems. You needed someone to go out and be social with. That's not me, I have to be made to do that and you didn't want to have to make me. You needed someone who also had that desire/need for outside adventure. Even without the Navy we were probably doomed. You also needed someone who you could reliably depend on to physically be there for you, and the Navy was going to take me away on the regular.

Do I wish it was someone else that was making you happy? Absolutely. I still have a deep desire to punch him in his face. He used our problems to manipulate you into cheating. It doesn't really matter that you're with him now. He saw that not only were we in a bad place but you personally were and he took advantage to weasel his way in.

I have no idea what he's like as your partner, but I guess in the end I hope he is able to be everything I was and more. I don't know how much you told me was a lie about how he was treating you or putting you in distress with threats of suicide and depression, but I really hope that is not what's kept you with him. That's not what a relationship should be built on, fear that if you leave they will harm themself.

You really put me through the ringer at the end too. I've never been so emotionally destroyed. You and your mother treated me like Satan's spawn. I was called a cheater in the very room I learned that you had first cheated on me. My name was drug through the mud for "kicking you out onto the street" as if allowing you to sleep on the dining room floor crying yourself to sleep every night was an acceptable alternative or hell just living in a house that caused you to cry since everything was over, not to mention what me coming home did to you. I'm pretty sure it was only a couple days of that but to me it was weeks.

I'm sorry for the note I left, that was one of my lowest points. I was desperate, I just wanted you to stop hurting. I was going to take you back to do it but the truth was, I was what was hurting you. Getting you away from me was the only way you could heal, to finally stop hurting. I wish I had realized that before leaving it, because I just hurt you more.

You probably still don't believe it but I really had no part in the hospital ordeal. They didn't tell me until they had already called the police, I yelled at them but I understood why they did it. At the time I'm sure you didn't see their concern but truly they had the best intentions at heart. They didn't know how strong you are, how far you had come over the years and they thought you were going to hurt yourself. I knew you wouldn't, you would cry, you may even break a couple things but that, not that, never, not again. I hope you understand they were trying to help, even if it became a little misguided.

I know money was tight but the key being held ransom because Venmo isn't an instant deposit to your bank account was too much. We would have been able to "forget" about each other much sooner if you guys hadn't extended our required interactions by a couple days. The glitter bomb was also extremely childish and petty, considering I was trying to do what's best for you. It was by that point that Mitchell began showing up in your social media and I had to come face to face with the fact that you, the only women I had ever loved, the person that made life actually worth it, brought color and warmth to my cold existance, was in fact a cheater.

There were so many nights I laid in bed and fought off those thoughts as you were hanging out with him, but I just wanted you to be happy. I didn't want to take away one of your friends. In the end your own paranoia about me discovering your cheating led you to begin to think that I was fucking every other female in my life. Can you even imagine what that's like? To spend so many nights wondering if the person you thought was the love of your life is blowing and fucking some other guys just to get accused of it when I hadn't even noticed another girl besides you since I laid eyes on you as a sophomore.

You weren't even subtle, going to a concert with one hotel room. My blood boils just thinking about how stupid I was. You and Mitchell treated me like an idiot and you and your mother treated me like a heartless monster at the end but really it was you for six months of our year and a half long relationship.

I didn't deserve it, none of it. Yet here I am two years later thinking about you. Writing you a goddamn letter, because you will never leave my head. I'll always have to wonder what if. What if I had been better? What if I had just gone out and did more things with you, maybe then I would have been good enough for you to not cheat. What if I hadn't been joining the Navy, maybe if I had just given up my dream we could have been happy. What if I had left you that night you told me you had kissed him, instead of wrapping you in my arms and kissing those very same lips?