#sui1issue1

[3s-diary]

so so many things happen and I never talk about them. but well after getting my academic paper and math exam done,I at least have some time. so, warning in advance,( in case anyone else ever reads this) this post will be about self 4arm and 3ating disord3rs. I have this friend(?), we will call her lisa since I think that's her blackpink bias. we met in 7th grade and immediately started getting along super well, we became best friends. a lot of other things happened, including me struggling with eating habits and toxic friends as well as the both of us being tone deaf a lot of times, but I won't elaborate on that now. in order to put the situation in context, i need to talk about what happened between the two of us and the self harm topic. when we were in..... let's say 7th to 8th grade, mostly 8th so I was 12, both of us didn't go through the most cheery time. we knew that, and sometimes talked about it roughly, but mostly we kept to ourselves. when i started self 4arming, I would use whatever sharp objects I'd find, sometimes I'd just scratch myself all over or literally whatever. it sort of served me as an outlet and although it wasn't regular or anything severe back then, I don't remember but if I'd have to guess I'd say i had a period of 3 to 6 days every month where I would break down at night and self harm. and trust me, the thing I wanted less than anything else was someone noticing. I could harm the injuries quite well, since they weren't severe and i'd have singular ones in different spaces(this sounds stupid but like 1 cut on my leg and 2 on my arm, if someone asked, saying it's an injury is not too unrealistic). so, that was my self 4qrm pattern when I was like 12, and in my class at that time, I wasn't the only one struggling. at that point, as I said both me ans my best friend were going through difficult times, one day i saw a cut on her arm and asked whether that was sself inflicted, she said no, that was my cat, and I know, standard excuse, but she has two cats and they scratched her before. although I wasn't completely cconvinced, I dropped the matter. then, one night, I sh'ed the most I ever did until then and it was summer. I panicked about someone in school noticing, but eventually went in shorts and a sweatjacket(sweating my ass off,plus the outfit was awfully mismatched). I assume my bsf noticed or at least suspected i had c.ut, when she sat next to me in chemestry, she was like what shorts are you wearing and lifted my jacket to see, and my shorts didn't completely cover my cuts, so she immediately saw. that was in my head back then,the worst possible scenario, since I felt like nobody should ever know, but when she saw we started talking about it and i think, telling her about it in the first place and being able to tell someone that I was scared of p.e. and someone seeing helped. she told me about when shs c.ut herself shs immediately regret it and nevee wanted to again, not gaining satisfaction from it (which I'm glad she didn't, bc that's how people like me develope it as a habit). I had someone to potentially talk to. I don't think i did tho. during that period I went going and talked to nobody, I'm almost certain my coach at one point saw and katelyn and keanu did too, katelyn c.utting publicly and talking to us about it while being at least 2 years older negatively influenced me too, but that's for another day. I think i was even trying therapy at that point but shut the hell up about it while hoping my therapist wouldn't stare too hard. however after that,I quite a long clean period, barely leaving scars behind,the ones that were faded, and i was glad.

then, when I was 14 in march, I relapsed, and really started c.utting with blades,which was mostly due to me being depressed and not being able to get myself up to anything while still having pressure on me and getting into trouble I couldn't deal with. around june i wrote a text message to my now bsf, saying i was struggling to keep myself alive because I was starting to become unable to cope and didn't want to become suicidal. she was super sweet and all and i got better during summer. going back to school in august, I had scars, but you had to look closely to see them. the only one who ever saw them at that point was pou, not saying a lot about it however. in november 2021 i relapsed again after almost half a year of being clean, not knowing how to deal with numbness and feeling like i was in a hole of nothing ever lasting, nothing ever working out or getting better. after i broke up with my bf at that time (different story) and the world around me worsening my mental situation, i started planning my su1c1de, until I eventually talked to my ma, who sent me to a therapist again and had me promise to never c.ut again.from that day on, I'm clean, but I have multiple scars, which i dislike, unsuprisingly. the one on my knee is the grossest, but the accumilation on my thighs and arm are the ones that catch ppls attention. shecrush asked me whether I was alright after seeing my arm a while ago, I didn't even get it at first. however back to lisa, when we sat next to each other in religion, she said "hey so i wanted to ask you this for a while but i didn't know how and i don't wanna invade your privacy or something but...your arm...like are you alright" and I was like "what ohhh yeah dw those are old. i appreciate you asking tho and .... yk you can always talk to me if you're not okay, no matter whether in school or outside." and that might sound like yeah whatever but. i did appreciate her worrying abt me because I don't feel like she likes me a lot anymore. after a few conflicts in our relationship she stopped talking to me when i was 14. we never met up again and only talked in school since then. so yeah and now we only talk in the periods we have together,she's still very quiet. however, there's this other reason i told her she can always talk to me. when we were younger she was chubby,which to me appeared quite natural and yk, but she had big issues accepting her body, whivh was unfortunately around the time i was st.arving myself, whether we negatively affected each other during that time is a different question, i sure as hell never spoke to her about it. during 2020 she lost hella weight through exercise when she was stuck at home, but now it sort of escalated from what I'm seeing. it's quite clear she has an ed, she can't eat in front of others, can't feel comfy eating in front of her family even, since her sister keeps commenting on her eating habits(that fuels me with rage btw, i didn't remember her sister being like this). she refuses to eat 3 meals sometimes and does that overly healthy and over exercising thing, unfortunately, and I have no idea how to help her. she's completely isolated, she talks to anita but i don't think they even speak outside of school, apart from that she doesn't have any friends or contacts , that has worried me ever since she more or less cut me off. my bsf dipsy heard her voice her problems and asked th what to do, th said nothing,we can't do anything, and while I should know a way to help, i was in the same situation, i don't. back when I was struggeling, i wanted nobody to even notice and now I don't feel like i can tell her anything. i keep saying pls go see a doctor since you're not getting ur period anymore, since she told me about that, but in the end of the day, we're nothing more than lunchbox friends and i'm not close to her anymore, idk how to help her, and whether I should even speak to her saying ... well saying what even