#sui ideation maybe but ive been struggling with this relapse for so long like a cold thats inching its way but wont fully come
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Sometimes i really wanna give up
#i wanna just wrap my hands around my neck and hope i stop breathing#ive done it so many times already#im so tired in alwsys so tired i feel so fuckin useless#i wanna cry all the time at how tired i am#but i cant i have people who love me and o dont want to hurt them but its so hard#being forxed to remember how the one o loved so much ledt me and told our friends that i did terrible things#it makes me so tired#i played it ofd but im honestly getting so so close sometimes#i love my friends so much and i love my cat so much#i have to constantly remember that theu love me too but its so hard sometimws#maybe its because its 3am maybe its because i haven't been taking my meds regularly#but im so scared all the time#i am so scared of veing close to someone yet want to be loved so bad#i miss being loved in a romantic way i want to be Cherished and comforted by someone who loves me#and yet the person who i thought loved me let their current lover attack me and stalk me#and its esting at me so bad. i just wnsyed to be left alone but i am omce again forced to remember#ive been hallucinating again. seeing people who aren't there hearing things that aren't there#i might really have to go back to therapy. i dont wanna go back on sui watch but im so tired#i wsnna be coverd in dirt lost in the woods with a ribbon on my neck to be presented as a gift for the earth#sui ideation maybe but ive been struggling with this relapse for so long like a cold thats inching its way but wont fully come#ive been feeling sick for a while#and sometimes i wish to end but i cant i have people whod miss me#and i think.. how will they find out im gone. who will tell them if i died. if i lesve a note theyd stop me but if i lesve theyd think..#theyd think i hate them and am ignoring them and i dont want that#its a thing i think about a lot. i think.. id tell my brother to tell my friwnd and then that friend tell the others..#but thats a lot to put on someone. i think about death a lot. i think about it while im driving a lot. what if i just get hit one day#like when i was 18 before my first job interview i got into an accident and i just sat there waiting for the car to explode or something#but my friend was in there too and i pushed her out cux she was freaked out and i told her to get away from the car. but i just sat there#me and her ex just sat there. waiting until i finally decided to get out to comfort her sinxe he didn't even try#xzzt
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