#suhspiria: shauna.

[ladyintree]

post rescue starter call [ inspired by ] ft. @suhspiria ░  in the wilderness, when shauna needed her, she never had to ask. tai could just feel it, like they were tethered together in a way that's entirely indescribable to anyone on the outside. she felt it the day she found her in the woods, embarking on something no one should have to go through alone, and it never went away sense, giving her a sense of familiarity with shauna that extended beyond the tragic events that brought them together in the first place. of all the people tai wants to forget and leave in the past now, shauna isn't one of them. she'd never be able to live with herself if she went on with her life never knowing how shauna was coping, especially knowing she was still here, in this town that tai was so desperate to move on from, desperate to get her out of too with no luck.

as she stands in the middle of shauna's bedroom, she doesn't need to ask her what happened exactly to understand. she'd never been here before — the two weren't friends before, something that seems impossible now, but she understands enough to know that this is a reaction to something. clearly, the two of them have gone about it in different ways — tai immediately cleaned up her room upon returning home, and then she cleaned it again, reorganized everything as she made a mental note of her belongings, made sure everything was in the proper place and she knew exactly where to find it. she needed the clarity, a reclamation of her own life — but as much as she and shauna have always understood each other on a deeper level, it's not surprising to her that they seem to have different reactions to their homecoming.

❝  i can help you clean. if you want. ❞ she says the words quietly, something in her tone telling shauna that she won't push, they don't have to if she prefers it this way — but if she doesn't, she's here. ❝  i got rid of a lot of things from my room. we can do that, too. or we can— ❞ she cuts herself off, the word 'talk' lingering between them, because tai has not wanted to talk about anything, with anyone, but if it's what shauna needs, she'll do it.

[itchose]

in depth headcanon questions |  @suhspiria asked: who was the one family member your muse always looked up to, if any?

i don't know if "looked up to" is the right way to phrase it, but at least for the family member he admired most, it's javi. it's javi in the way that travis views him as this carefree individual who is brave and unafraid of going right up anyone and just saying whatever's on his mind. it's javi in the way that he is seemingly so sure of who he is and what he wants to do. he's not afraid to ask questions, not afraid to dance in front of everyone in the cabin, not afraid to go up to shauna with a journal in her hand and ask her directly what she's doing, not afraid to be vulnerable and give his art to someone else. in the end, it's javi in the way that he refused to talk to anyone, no matter how rude they got about trying to force him to talk, and no matter how frustrated travis himself got waiting for answers.

and even if some of these things aren't even true for javi, even if travis's perception of hi is totally off, it doesn't matter, because this is how travis views him. travis sees javi as everything he never let himself be.

he's scared of being perceived, it makes him feel so exposed and small and it just makes him angry. people talk about him, they call him names, they spread rumors, they assume the worst from him, and he has the worst way of coping with it in response. javi doesn't seem to let things bother him - and again, even if that's not true, it's how travis sees it with him, and he's so envious of it. and part of that is just that javi is still a kid, and maybe travis used to be like that too, but he's just so far removed from it now that he longs to feel that bravery he sees in javi. and he'll always regret not encouraging him for it and instead, putting him down for it, like he spent the last yfew years of javi's life doing.

his father is obviously not even an option in this, and he never was. when travis was really little, he did try to believe that his father was the kind of dad he was supposed to have, but he let go of that dream pretty quickly, mostly when his father started trying to push soccer on him and it ended poorly for both of them. he does love his mother, and things are mostly better between the two of them, but he always felt like she preferred javi over him, which is obviously heightened when he returns from the wilderness and realizes he has no way to connect with his mother at all, when he's the only one that returns.

as for someone he did genuinely look up to, it was probably his grandmother who lived with them for most of his life. she's the one who taught him how to drive, who attempted to encourage him to get involved at school + extracurriculars (even though he didn't listen), and tried to be a source of comfort when his father clearly did the opposite. she's the only person he ever felt close to being himself around, whoever that was. he was able to be a little more vulnerable with her than he was with anyone else.

[ladyintree]

tai doesn’t need to ask why.    there were things that she needed out of her sight immediately upon returning home,   things that no longer felt like her in a way she knew she couldn’t get back.    it was easier to keep it all out of sight,   out of mind,   because then she didn't have to dwell on it.    she glances around shauna’s room for even a second,   and she can understand it entirely.    jackie is everywhere—   even if it’s not outright,   tai knows well enough that she’s here,   she’s a part of this life that shauna used to live,  and if she wants to tear this room apart or move to a different one,   tai will help her through it,   just as she has every step of the way since losing jackie  —  and even well before. 

❝  yeah.  okay,  ❞    tai says simply,   nodding her head as she glances to the door,   then back to shauna again,   another reminder that this is like being in a stranger’s house,   despite shauna being the person who likely knows her better than anyone,   even van.     ❝  i’m good at cleaning.   and—  definitely getting rid of things that are just in the way.   ❞     she nearly says  ‘ not important anymore ‘ —- but she’s not sure if that’s entirely true.   there are some trophies and certificates she’d packed away immediately,   because while her accomplishments were comforting to see,   they were also a reminder of the large gap of time she missed in what was supposed to be a crucial year for her future.   

tai thinks back to when she started cleaning her own room;   most of it was a blur,   because she got started so quickly and refused to look back or even give herself a moment to hesitate.   ❝  i went through my closest first,  ❞    she remembers suddenly,   looking back at shauna now and shrugging her shoulders.    ❝  it was nice,  having my clothes back,  but  .  .  .    i don't know.   some of them just didn’t feel like me anymore.  ❞    a small smile tugs at her lips,  willing to get a little less serious — mostly,   only for shauna’s sake.    ❝  and there was,   like,   a ridiculous poster of leonardo dicaprio on my wall.  ❞    she starts to laugh,  thinking about how silly it was —- how when she was younger,  she listened to her friends,  picked some random celebrity,   and decided that was the one she’d pretend to have a crush on.    it wasn't necessary anymore —- there wasn’t much she was willing to tell her parents about her time in the wilderness,   but as big of a step as it was,   at least coming out to them as something she could give them,   some way of claiming her own truth when she couldn’t make sense of so many of her other experiences.   ❝  yeah,  that had to go,  ❞   she teases.  

she scoffs,  glaring back at shauna as she realizes a comment like that would’ve likely given her a grudge against shauna for months had she said it back then,   but it’s playful now,   a reminder that shauna really does know her —-  she knows who she wants to be again,  too.  ❝    in that case,   maybe we’ll start with yours,  ❞    she jokes,  taking a few steps around her room before her eyes land on the ripped posters on the ground.   ❝  maybe you just need a whole new look.   might be nice,  right?  ❞ 

“please.”　her sight stays fixated on the one window in her room – the curtains torn down from before, now allowing the light to trickle into the room and cover both tai and herself. her mouth hangs open, almost to share her thoughts [i keep thinking i’ll see jackie outside my window] that’s what had first caused her to… break – tearing apart her room till tears filled her vision and her knuckles grew raw (she can't fully remember what caused her knuckles to bleed) hands were covered now, her tears dried and almost forgotten.

she’d awoken, eyes falling on the window beside her and her chest slowly caved in, the daunting realisation of reliving the same morning jackie had died. though no snow was to be seen when shauna finally looked outside her window, just the path leading directly to her front door. 

all she wanted upon returning home was to find solace in the familiarity, to pull herself back to where she once was and who she used to be. [it had become alarmingly clear this wouldn’t ever happen] all that hope had flushed from her system the minute she'd arrived home, opening up her bedroom door to find painful reminders of what she can't ever leave behind. parts of her still left in the wilderness; having rotted off and decomposed among twigs and soil.

“i need to get rid of most of it. i'm moving into the room down the hall so i don't have–”　reminders. cutting herself off as she swallows it instead. she doesn't need to say it, tai gets it – would always get it. if this had all happened before the crash, taissa turner would've been the last person she'd call out to in a time of need. now it felt like the only solution, that's how it'd been the last nineteen months – how does one shake off all you've known to adapt and survive?　“what was the first thing you threw away?”　where should she even begin? she can still remember sticking up each poster that now lay torn in pieces around her room, the twinkling lights she'd spent hours trying to untangle that lay warped around her broken lamp and discarded cds.

“i suppose your room wasn't this messy to clean. maybe less trophies too.”　she finally looks to tai then, forcing lips to lift slightly before dropping.

[ladyintree]

@suhspiria, "i don't want to be anyone's hero. i just want to be safe and boring and happy."

tai has come to realize that she was wrong about a lot of things when it comes to lottie.  it wasn't fair,  and she knows that now,  but it was so much easier for her to blame lottie for the way it felt like van had pulled away from her and found comfort in lottie instead — and worse to tai, the way she started to believe in something that tai couldn't understand, leaving her feeling helpless.  tai was angry,  feeling even more isolated than they all already were,  because the person she felt safest with was believing in something that tai didn't even know how to take seriously — something that she did feel deep down and was trying so hard to keep buried, and van was only threatening to expose it all in a way that tai was terrified of seeing for herself. when it felt like shauna was worse off from lottie's help too,  it only made tai more hesitant to trust lottie.  it made her bitter,  resentful,  and lottie got the brunt of it all,  despite how similar her and tai's experiences really were.  

now that she's willing to accept whatever sight she has herself,  she's trying to do better by lottie,  no matter how lost she still feels.   at least now,  she's willing to accept that she's lost — not push everyone away because she doesn't know what else to do with it.   she still doesn't, but at least it feels like a step in the right direction finally.

❝ everyone's just looking for something to believe in. ❞ something she is only beginning to understand now, but at least she's getting closer there herself. ❝  i just didn't realize— ❞ it's the beginning of an apology, of taissa finally owning up to the way she'd blamed lottie for how everyone else flocked to her. but she's stubborn, and it means swallowing her pride, too. ❝  i didn't know you weren't, you know, trying to become . . . whatever it is you are to the rest of them. i shouldn't have been so hard on you. ❞ her eyes look down, because admitting she's wrong has never been easy, but she feels like she owes her some explanation, especially now that van is looking at tai like she's some kind of hero, making tai feel almost too exposed, too. ❝  wish i could say that safe or happy or boring was even possible out here, but . . . i think it's only going to keep getting worse. ❞