#suddenly having an obsession with barrisco :

[res-is-so-cool]

Guilty

1377 words

04/30/23

No one’s pov:

Cisco was sad in his relationship with Barry. No, it wasnt bad, but he felt guilty. Like really guilty.

Barry always got him gifts and presents of stuff that he never really talked about but always wanted. Like the action figure he got of him yesterday of the Flash. Or like those really cute red pare of googles that had cushions so his eyes wouldn’t hurt when he blew up stuff. And it was getting to the point where it was everyday. Sometimes small 5¢ or large 600$ things.

But it really was hurting him. Because he couldn’t give Barry anything back. He didn’t have as much money as Barry. Star Labs wasn’t paying him anymore, so he was starting to need money. Of course Barry gave him this money, not as a sugar daddy but as a concerned boyfriend, and it hurt that he couldn’t pay him back. That he wasn’t enough for Barry. So all he felt was guilt. And he decided to break it off with Barry, but he didn’t know how. So in the mean time, he was avoiding him, ignoring him. And one really late night he went to their favorite bar to drink it off and…

“Barry?” Cisco asked doubting his eyesight for a second. And there a drunken Barry sat, sprawled in the counter of a stool, drink in hand.

“I think I finally found out how to get drunk!” Barry said as he wobbly got up. Cisco caught him, seating him back down on the stool. He went in Barry’s wallet, pulling out two hundreds, assuming that’s how much he drank, saying that he was drunk. Cisco placed the hundreds on the counter as the bartender went into the cash register.

“80$ change.” He said slapping the money down. Cisco took the money and put it back in his boyfriends wallet before chug-a-lugging him to his car and driving him to his apartment. He chug-a-lugged Barry up to his apartment, and placed him in his bed. Barry had fallen asleep by this time and woken up as they walked in the apartment.

“Cisco?” He asked as he rubbed his eyes. Cisco had been kneeling along side the bed, watching him sleep as he placed down the clothes for Barry when he woke up.

“Yeah. Yeah I’m here Barry.” Cisco said back, hesitantly. Barry took his hands off his eyes and cupped Cisco’s face.

“I missed you.” Barry said, with angel like eyes. Cisco pulled his hand down, tears forming in his eyes as the guilt rushed back into his head.

“I know.” Cisco said softly, holding Barry’s hand in between his own.

“What happened?” Barry said softly, “you had me worried. I went out drinking every night I-“ he continued.

“Bare. Bare! BARRY!” Cisco said as Barry rambled. Barry finally caught his attention and stopped talking.

“I think we should break up.” Cisco continued, placing Barry’s hand back on top his body.

“W-what why?” Barry asked quickly sitting up.

“Because you give me all the gifts and money and… it’s just not enough.” Cisco replied, slowly saying the last part.

“If it’s not enough you could have just said something.” Barry said cupping Cisco’s face again.

“No Bare-“ Cisco said but was cut off by a rushed kiss. Barry kissed Cisco roughly, Cisco slowly submitting. Barry’s hand crept up to his hair, forcing him to keep his mouth their. Cisco did before pulling back as hard as he could. Barry pulled back too, loosening but not fully letting how of his hair.

“What- what’s wrong- isn’t that what you want?” Barry asked as tears formed in his eyes.

“No- it’s not enough-“ Cisco said to himself.

“Well-w-we were gonna get to that“ Barry said with a smug smile.

“No it’s still not enough. IM NOT ENOUGH!” Cisco said suddenly, tears falling down his eyes.

“IM NOT ENOUGH- ILL NEVER BE ENOUGH!” Cisco yelled at Barry. Barry looked up at him, his eyes widening as he realized that, he was the problem, well in his mind.

“You get me all these gifts! You love me so well but I can’t repay! I can’t give you all the stuff you give me!” Cisco cried as his tears took him over.

“And I love you too much to let you have that life.” Cisco said in a softer voice. He paced back and forth, hands creeping to his hair,shaking as they held it up, tears falling down his face as he awaited a response. Suddenly he stopped infront of where Barry was sitting, having had enough.

“Well?” Cisco started waiting for a response, waiting for Barry to tell him get out, or to get up and slap him across the face, “ANSWER ME DAMMIT!” Cisco said his voice breaking again.

“I’m sorry.” A broken hearted Barry said, tears falling down his face. His voice was shaky and broken and honestly, it hurt to hear. Cisco flinched at the sudden change in tone.

“What?” Cisco said softly, his tears almost immediately stopping as he realized that Barry was crying too. Actually sobbing uncontrollably.

“I said I’m sorry. I thought showering you with gifts would make you happy..” Barry rambled as tears fell down his face. His breathing sped up and it seemed that he was on the verge of an anxiety attack.

“No- no- hey.” Cisco said kneeling down before Barry and grabbing the wrists that were holding Barry’s head up. He looked into his sad eyes, watching the tears rush out of his eyes, as if all the water stored in his body just decided to burst out right then and there. He watched as more tears fell. He couldn’t even speak.

So he just hugged Barry. He hugged Barry as if the world would end if he let go. They stayed like that for hours. After a while, Cisco just got in bed and told Barry to cuddle his waist and cry for as long as he needed to, because truthfully he had knees like an old man.

After a few hours, their sobs turned into cries, their cries turned into hiccup-y breaths, which turned into slowed, paced breaths. The both laid their all through it, neither daring to move an inch. Cisco rubbed circles on Barry’s back. Barry wrapped his arms around Cisco for dear life, his head resting on his stomach.

“I’m sorry, again.” Barry blurted breaking the comfortable silence.

“It’s not your fault I promis-“ Cisco started, but was cut off by Barry.

“No it really is. I really didn’t mean to make you feel that way.” Barry cut off.

“No it’s fine.” Cisco said trying to reassure Barry.

“No it really isn’t. I thought that showering you with gifts would make you never leave. I thought that even if you stopped loving me, you would never leave me because is some twisted way you needed the money. But instead I made you want to leave me even more.” Barry joked, on the middle part (kinda), before his voice started to crack on the last part.

“But seriously I could never imagine feeling like that. Like you weren’t good enough because you couldn’t give your partner all the stuff they wanted.” Barry stated crawling up to kiss Cisco softly.

“It’s fine Bare I promise. I was just in this depressive state of mind that made me think I wasn’t good enough.” Cisco said as Barry pulled away.

“No! STOP INVALIDATING YOUR FEELINGS! YOU DESERVE FEELINGS TOO, WHATEVER THEY ARE.” Barry yelled suddenly cupping his lover’s face and looking him in the eyes, forcing him to do the same.

“Cisco I don’t think I told you this but, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. YOU’RE GOOD ENOUGH. THAT MEANS THAT ALL OF YOUR FEELINGS MATTER. THAT MEANS THAT DEPRESSIVE STATES OF MINDS AREN’T SOMETHING TO BRUSH BY. OKAY? DO YOU HEAR ME?” Barry continued holding Cisco’s face in between his hands and not letting go until he got an answer.

“Yeah. I hear you, I’m sorry, it wasn’t ‘just some depressive state of mind’ it was something bad and we need to work on that.” Cisco replied, holding Barry’s hands on his face so he wouldn’t let go. This forceful touch was actually comforting.

“Thank you, and yes we need to work on that. I can’t have my baby feeling bad about himself. And don’t apologize, sometimes you can’t help it.” Barry replied pressing his forehead against Cisco’s.