#subweight

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Upstaged by the Tubemen

More WWE Raw fun and Smackdown wackiness.

Don’t forget you can follow Emma on Twitter as @Waruce and I’m @grizzlefur.

Transmission date: Monday 16/Tuesday 17 January 2017

. Reigns. Rollins. Kendrick. Perkins. Kingston Anderson Woods Gallows GallagherDaivariGulakNese This is. This is. This is. FRIDAY AFTENOON RAW! Because what fun would this blog be without references that precisely one person reading it will get?

.

Some extended technical/life failures later (it's now Tuesday), let's start the show!

.

in memoriam of Jimmy Snuka to start .

RIP, quite possibly a murderer .

and we open the show proper on an MLK day memorial package .

wwe, that trailblazer of racial sensitivity and equality .

but tbh, it's just nice to see videos of dr king at the moment .

and now let's have inspirational pictures of famous black people, chosen seemingly at random

.

(i'm being cynical here, but that was nice) .

and roll titles .

featuring more cruiserweights than i remember .

but it's entirely possible i just wasn't paying attention .

in any case .

we're in little rock .

and we open with roman reigns .

aaaaaaand there goes all the goodwill in the room .

the shark cage is still posing on the stage for some reason .

recap package of roman getting dicked on by kevin and chris .

i'm all in favour of heel stables holding all the belts, tbh .

still waiting for sanity to sweep nxt .

chris wouldn't have to cut much weight to be a cruiserweight .

just saying .

credit to roman opening his promo by acknowledging that he has no right to complain about being outnumbered .

but this promo has also reminded me that he's totally going to take the universal championship and headline mania .

because that went so well last year .

and here comes paul heyman to show roman how promos should work .

apparently brock is here tonight .

great .

(ugh, the single-adjective coda has been ruined) .

(sad) .

crowd do enormous goldberg chants, paul just waits for them to get it out of their system and be like yeeeeeeah he's not here tonight

.

again, paul does the eat/sleep/elimination/repeat thing, and roman actually points out how that makes no sense .

and now we have chris and kevin .

to be fair, the us title belt really ties chris' stupid outfit together .

clearly his problem was too much midriff .

chris is still angling for a kevin/chris mania main event .

it'll never happen, but i would watch the shit out of that .

kevin's like yeahhhhh not convinced but ANYWAY .

tension is sown .

and now, add rollins .

fuck it, let's just bring everyone out .

start the rumble early .

seth is also angling to win the rumble .

to be fair, i could see seth/roman working as a mania headline .

let seth get his belt back before finn kills him for it .

and here's braun .

*waits for titus* .

ok, it's brock .

but still .

anyone else waiting backstage? .

titus? .

cody rhodes? .

dixie carter? .

sami appears from nowhere to jump on braun, cue everything being a brawl .

brock suplexes everyone to the underworld, gets a nice little faceoff with sami before doing it to him .

can we please push sami properly .

and now we tease brock/braun .

doesn't happen, but gives roman a chance to punch everyone .

and get f5'd .

good going there .

kick brock's music, everyone scowls and makes to leave .

only to mysteriously disappear during the next video package .

later, we get ceshearo/club title match .

but next, enzo and cass/rusev and jinder .

and let's play a total divas advert over their entrances .

fuck it, why not .

better than over the entirety of a women's match .

enzo's miraculously up and strutting again .

i swear, their intro gets faster every time .

because clearly we don't have enough time on raw .

enzo could do a half-hour standup set and not make raw run over time .

in any case .

enzo and cass, as ever, don't really give a shit about the rules of tag matches .

the heeliest of face teams .

for the first time in like a month, enzo gets to show off his amazing talent to have seventy-three shades of piss kicked out of him .

also sloppy tornado ddts .

he can do that too .

cass tags in, cue five moves of doom .

except he decides not to do the east river crossing, and rusev breaks it up .

that's why you do all five .

nasty big boot to badaboomshakalaka for the pin .

cass can do a big boot like nobody's business .

perks of being a literal giant, i guess .

rusev and jinder immediately ghost off like the unmemorable heels they are .

apparently, we have jack gallagher on announce next .

but first, an advert for the new xxx film .

because it has lita in it .

forming, along with ruby rose, the only two reasons i'd watch that film .

hooray for netflix .

but anyway .

crusierweight time .

graves/aries/cole/gallagher is a pretty damn strong panel .

because cole has a lot of potential, as we found out to our amazement at the uk tournament .

anyway, this match is ariya daivari/lince dorado .

oh yeah, this is leading into the i forfeit match on 205 .

looking forward to that .

daivari has a silver lion on his trunks .

has he forgotten his own nickname .

daivari pauses to DO YOU SEE YOUR CHILDREN at jack, who's just like maybe you should be focusing on that luchador in there with you .

austin questions jack's gentlemanliness, he's just like excuse me have you seen yourself .

daivari hits a rainmaker into a cobra clutch for the tap .

and cue him facing off with jack and willem .

end thing .

up next, stuff about sasha getting cocked on by nia .

oh god, they're doing recaps of the taker segment from last week .

will he say it .

will i lose my shit .

so many questions .

and there we go .

peeeeeeeeeacengflgflgmn .

still makes me giggle .

threatening words from the zombie squid over there .

but now we get recaps of the unalloyed delight that was the uk title tournament .

featuring our lord and master, tyler bate .

wait shit .

on second thoughts, he should probably just stick to 'lord' .

also reminding us what a horrible joy pete dunne is .

and seriously, the bitter end is possibly my favourite finisher rn .

and now cole gets an awkward segue into the sasha/nia angle .

training footage from earlier today of sasha testing her knee out, during which nia fucks her up some more

.

that's pleasingly meta .

blur that line .

but now, here's cesaro .

and his mate .

wow, having a championship belt under it really wrecks the line of that stripper suit .

but yeah, they're fighting gallows and anderson for the belt .

or indeed both of them .

like there's any chance they're dropping them this soon to their first proper feud .

and a lackluster feud it has been .

given that ganderson's whole motivation is 'we want the belts because we are good at wrestling' .

but hey, even if the narrative has been thin to nonexistent, the matches are good .

this partnership has improved sheamus so much .

sloppy double team as gallows seemingly forgets that anderson isn't as tall as he is and has to really reach to hit a dubious neckbreaker .

which shounds like it should have been a finisher at the uk tournament .

"Oh my God, Cole, he's going for the Dubious Neckbreaker!" .

graves calls him 'mr anderson', and in the distance, tna's legal division creaks into action like briefcase-wielding glaciers .

oh god, they've started calling cesaro's tiger feint kick a 'swiss19' .

crowd starts a this is awesome chant, i can't argue .

this match is just all the big spots all the time .

and sheamus accidentally kills the ref .

drama .

magic killer on cesaro .

and bullshit it was too .

gallows just does not give a shit about setting up for moves today .

they get the pin on cesaro, even with them having to pull a new ref in, but then they call it a dq for the ref bump .

so cesaro and shwamus retain, and the feud stays alive .

ahhh, the refreshing aroma of screwy finishes .

apparently later, charlotte reveals her winning strategy .

odds on it being "be charlotte flair" or some such? .

but now, we recap the opening segment .

In which the incensed Mr. LESNAR, an unrepentant brute and miscreant, unleashes his legendary fury on all and sundry .

main event is going to be roman/seth/sami v chris/kevin/braun .

because even though he went over on that opening segment, brock's stance is still 'fuck actually wrestling' .

and now, a memorial video for superfly .

whom everyone in the company loves, and is still probably a murderer .

but still, death is sad .

slideshow of wrestlers tweeting about it, including bret hart's heartening two-word sendoff .

and now let's ruin everything with an emmalina video .

apparently the makeover is nearly complete .

oh well .

and now, roman, seth and sami in the locker room .

with the lead piping .

sami trying to come up with a strategy for the team, seth and roman both just standing there like wtf is this guy .

sami tries to do the shield fist thing, the other two just look at him and walk off .

that was weird .

but now, more cruiserweight .

swann/nese .

both with music i enjoy .

petition for all weight divisions to be named after ships .

battlercruiserweight .

subweight .

tugweight .

carrierweight .

frigateweight .

ahem .

in any case, neville bursts in as swann gets in the ring, fucks him and his pimp coat up .

sidenote: in this inspirational mlk day episode, rich swann is the first black guy to appear .

63 minutes in .

well, apart from byron, i guess .

nese takes the opportunity to kick some shit out of swann as well .

and leaves .

so much for that match .

welp, i bet they're glad they changed the ropes and canvas for that segment .

up next, the new day .

but first, backstage man interviews a glowering Geordie troll .

(he doesn't get a number because i've never seen a man there before) .

par for the course, neville's attitude in the interview is FUCK EVERYTHING BEFORE I DO IT MYSELF

.

but now, new day .

big e continues to double down on the whole pouring breakfast cereal over crowd members thing .

this time, by dumping an entire box of it over one woman while making weird parrot noises .

taken out of context, that might be unusual .

they're ding a whole bit about how good the rumble lineup is .

(because they're in it) .

and how they're all going to be in it for themselves .

but fuck that .

because if one of them wins, they all win and get to main event mania .

because why the fuck not .

freebird rules .

i'd buy it .

and now here is titus? .

corey: "He's like a bad wart." .

i refuse to diminish that with context .

titus no longer wants to be in the new day .

he wants to replace the new day .

like literally .

take one of their spots in the rumble .

xavier like ummmmmmm no? .

big e is agreeing to fight him for a rumble spot, on the condition that when he wins, titus will just fuck off forever .

not in as many words .

but with more dick jokes .

so we're having that now .

(the match, not dick jokes) .

big e is just beating titus all over the ring .

titus gets the upper hand by hitting xavier .

and enraging his friends .

they're still pushing the titus brand angle, despite that having made literally no narrative progress .

to his credit, that was a lovely over-the-shoulder slam by titus .

man is strong .

(i can't remember the proper name for that move, fuck off) .

titus starts stealing all of e's spots, because wanker .

aaaaand turnaround to big ending for the win .

because fuck that guy .

up next, charlotte tells us how to beat up your friends .

but first, video about the first rumble .

and more mlk .

but now, queen bitch herself .

wearing her casual cape .

dress down monday .

charlotte's strategy is apparently scouting everything about her opponents .

which is why she's gonna beat bayley .

because she's average and there's nothing to learn .

and that's why fans love her .

to be fair, her appeal *is* that she's a normal fan .

and now let's roll some photos of young bayley meeting wrestlers .

and her poems about wrestling .

to be fair, this is exactly why we love bayley .

she is us .

loving charlotte being like kids, this is why you should be careful what you put on the internet .

and now, video of bayley reading an essay from 07 about wanting to be a wrestler and getting all emotional .

d'awwwwwww .

moral of this story: fuck following your dreams unless you're ric flair's kid .

which probably describes about 12% of this generation .

he's basically genghis khan .

and cue an angry hispanic girl .

(specifically bayley) .

just like wtf is this all in aid of .

and basically making exactly the point i've been saying .

being like fuck you i just love this industry .

and she's written charlotte a new poem .

(spoiler: it's bad) .

she's no enzo amore .

charlotte holds up the belt, gets effortlessly upstaged by the tubemen .

(Upstaged by the Tubemen is my tell-all 80s memoir) .

and now, more recaps of the opening segment .

cut to backstage, chris and kevin trying to teach braun about strategy .

his strategy is BRAAAAAAAUGGHHHHHHH .

basically, their strategy suggestions are hey braun if you could just murder everyone on the other team .

braun like FUCK THAT IMMA KILL EVERYONE and stalks off

.

chris and kevin just kind of shrug like yeah, alright .

and now, a man with a flag .

more cruisers .

kendrick/cedric .

alicia not entering with cedric for once .

building on the weird fox/dar thing .

it's just occurred to me: did austin wear those ever-present aviators before shinsuke fucked him in the eye? .

cedric does a weird moonsault to the floor, catching his arms on the apron and catching brian knees-first .

graves: "Look at that beautiful springboard...slingshot...moonsault of some sort" .

couldn't have said it better .

(because i also don't have a clue) .

brian's had a little bit of offence in this, but mostly just jobbing hard to cedric .

as soon as i say that, roll into the captain's hook .

enter alicia to help cedric get to the rope .

shot of dar watching the match backstage like eeeeeeeexcellent .

goes for the hook again, cedric pulls an absolutely beautiful reversal into the ever-unpleasant lumbar check .

for the pin .

alicia and cedric go for the hug, he just goes fuck it, ducks through it and walks off .

thankls for that slow-mo lumbar check video there .

ouch .

it's one of those finishers where they can do the whole thing in slow motion, .

because the impact is legit unpleasant

.

more sasha recaps, and now backstage guy interviews nia .

who's just like lol yeah fuck her .

everything else aside, can we stop saying "real woman"? .

[/intersectional feminism] .

ad break, and now backstage guy talks to alicia .

who claims their relationship is fine .

and then begins her bitches be crazy yo screaming .

byron: "Three things I've learned in life: don't tug on Superman's cape, don't drink mouthwash, and don't get on the wrong side of Alicia Fox." .

...thanks for that? .

but first, a video package about kurt angle because he's the first hall of famer this year .

in a move that confused everyone, especially him .

is this year's strategy to give hof spots to everyone they've had acrimonious breakups with so they'll love them again? .

cos we could be there a while .

but now it's main event time bitchezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz .

enter chrevin .

(for that is their name now) .

but first, a xxx trailer .

featuring the new day for some reason? .

eh, that looks like it could be a decent big dumb action flick .

OH MY GOD GUYS GOLDBERG IS GOING TO BE HERE NEXT WEEK oh wait i don't give a shit .

cole totally just called it the 'roidal rumble' .

best freudian slip ever? .

and immediate brawlitude

.

(my breakcore Avicii cover band) .

"Sami Zayn's guts on display!" .

well, that was horrific .

credit for not pulling out of the match, i guess .

maybe his strategy is to confuse braun, then strangle him with his small intestine .

can i just mention that even without factoring in ad breaks, that was a solid ten minutes from the first entrance starting to the match actually happening? .

this shit is why raw is three hours long .

and big ppvs are about seventeen hours .

on which note, how early is taker going to have to enter the rumble to make sure he actually gets to the ring while the match is still going .

unless everyone in the ring just gets a break when the first gong hits .

segment of owens/zayn there, and that matchup is still hot af .

roman cocks his fist, pan down to chris hugging his calf from outside the ring .

chris started the match, but now he seems to be set on never tagging and just running interference .

solid strategy .

really long working headlock there, but played for solid emotion and crowd pops all round .

see, this shit is why kevin is the headlock master .

lovely coordination as seth does a suicide dive out of one side of the ring and sami does a tope con giro over the opposite side .

relatively brief bit of rollins/jericho there, but actually great .

a year ago, you never would hav seen that coming .

now we get the bit where everyone gets to do their big spots .

seth does a crossbody to chris and kevin on the outside as sami does a blinding one to take braun down .

fuck all these rivalries, can we just have a zayn/rollins tag team? .

and braun powerslams sami for the pin .

welp, that was abrupt .

slings sami over his shoulder, walks off with him .

oh, taking him to the announce table .

i keep forgetting it's there .

but roman, seth and a chair are also there .

so much for that announce spot .

they're showing replays, and after roman spears him, braun goes down *hard* on the ramp .

ow .

roman and seth clear the announce table, just in time for chris and kevin to turn up and commandeer the spot .

they set up for a table spot, seth pedigrees chris, kevin hits him with a chair, roman gets up, gets hit with a whole lot of chair .

and kevin powerbombs roman through the table .

braun, meanwhile, seems to have evaporated .

titan confirmed .

and we fade on kevin standing over the body of his fallen foe .

rip large samoan man .

but this blog lives on! .

like .

why wouldn't it .

my ability to write bullshit is not ited to the consciousness of roman reigns .

i am not one of the things in his dream .

ahem .

um .

TUESDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN? .

open on a dramatic video package about shit going down with women in a cage .

(my 90s memoir) .

and now .

HERE COME THE MONEEEEEEEYYYYYYY .

wait, this is just shane mcmahon .

where the fuck is the money .

i should make a complaint .

we're in memphis .

i know this, because it was the third word he said .

and he's slightly more reliable than mick foley .

slightly .

now let's tell you how good the rumble is going to be, and get cheap pops just by listing wrestlers .

it is the mcmahon way .

and also, begin the hype for elimination chamber .

huh .

didn't think that was still a thing .

but hey, i'm happy with that .

apparently in four weeks they're putting the title up in it .

here's aj to complain about that booking decision .

shane does a flair strut and woo for some reason while talking about cena? .

sure, why not .

aj says this is a hothead decision .

did he consult jbl before using his word .

or are there copyright suits ahead .

shane's angle is basically we're putting the best guys in the chamber because THIS IS SMACKDOWN WHERE WE DO WRESTLE GOOD .

shane makes a crack about aj's attitude, aj is just like well why don't i just TAKE YOUR CHAMPIONSHIP BACK TO FUCKING JAPAN .

yep, that attitude .

and now we have a cena .

for all the things that need cening .

he makes a connection with one fan in particular, for reasons i can't see .

does a weird curtsey, shouts some stuff at them, then just basks in the chants .

starts talking, aj is just immediately YOU SHUT YOUR FUCK MOUTH .

still spinning the cena only got his title shot through family connections thing .

starts being like okay, who the fuck else you got back there, and miz immediately obliges .

maryse's deathbasque is even spanglier than usual .

give it a couple months, she'll be wearing a fucking mardi gras float .

his angle is basically i should have a chamber spot because fuck you i'm the miz .

solid argument .

cena is just hanging round the edges of this argument being a greek chorus and making fun of everyone .

oh hey, dick joke .

and cena being like hey bro are you really gonna let him talk to you like that .

he is the best bad idea fairy .

and shane is just like hey fuck it, let's make this a match .

so it's aj/miz now .

later, lawler is back because we were apparently bad people .

interviewing dolph .

but now, shane is collared backstage by dean .

who wants a new ic belt because this one smells of the miz .

and a chamber spot .

and a match with randy .

and shane's just like hey why not would you like fries with that .

a+ management .

but now, aj/miz with cena on announce .

fuck the match, cena is just riffing on his new film .

and frankly, i'm okay with this .

i can listen to cena talk shit for hours .

aj downs miz and starts fronting at cena, who's just like hey dude yeah whatever .

where was i .

while all this cena chat is going down, there's also a really good match happening

.

aj and miz are both fuelled entirely by rage and indignation, and it makes for really good wrestling .

aj has kicked miz's head clean off at ringside, then tries to throw him at cena .

he counters, ring the dq, and cena gets to aa everyone .

which necessitates taking his shirt off for some reason

.

so we can see his huge pecs and weird navel .

up next, nikki bella does a thing .

trailer for some youtube music shit that i am clearly too old to get .

but now, nikki .

and recaps of nattie dicking her over .

steadicam guy trips on something, so this promo gets briefly dramatically dutch .

nikki calls nattie out, to no effect .

so talk shit about her instead .

and now she appears .

talking from the back of the crowd? .

the fuck is going on .

she cues something on the tron, and leaves .

and the video is her going out to the merch stand to fuck up nikki's merch .

and be like why the fuck don't i have a shirt .

my uncle has a shirt and he's retired and going to die alone just like you nikki .

this is strange .

she gets all nikki's merch, starts throwing it in the trash, and nikki appears to put her through a table .

and cue brawlery .

as half a dozen security guys ineffectually try and hold them back .

i'll be honest, i'm still all for the backstage bits .

and end segment .

and now, backstage woman #372 interviews alexa about the cage match .

which apparently she's going to win .

bold claim .

and now we have the same video package about angle making the hall of fame as we had on raw

.

so feel free to reread my jokes from there .

i'm getting a drink .

oh ok, this is a more comedy-focused package .

so much for that drink, i guess .

including the bit where he drenched stone cold and stephanie with milk .

because that happened .

but now, dean/randy .

david offering his psychological assessment of randy .

dude, you're a law grad .

recaps of orton/harper tension .

apparently we should talk about tension between family members .

so feel free to do that among yourself .

so yeah, this match is happening, and thus far it's a little lacklustre .

apparently turkeys wake up in a different world every morning? .

god, i would love to live in the world inside jbl's head, where young people are supervillains and turkeys can travel between dimensions .

(and not just because i want to be a supervillain) .

there's a match going on behind all this weird commentary, but it's about as exciting as you'd expect from an ambrose/orton match .

dean gets out of the ring, bray has to weirdly hug harper to keep him off him .

while doing a strange grin and looking more like his brother than ever .

i'm just enjoying watching bray and luke at ringside .

bray's leaning in, shouting at randy, doing the whole ringside general thing, while luke is casually leaning next to him, a study in not giving a fuck .

while giving bray occasional looks like 'after this, i still get to murder him, right?' .

dirty deeds, counter, rko, counter, kick, bounce, lariat

.

wow, never seen that sequence before .

the thing with this match is that dean always does the same spots because he's a face and needs to get pops, and randy always does the same spots because he's randy orton .

case in point, suicide dive (onto bray) into draping ddt .

randy sets up for an rko, luke comes in to shout at him, dean gets a rollup off the distraction .

dean leaves, luke and randy start fighting, bray gets between them like BOYS .

and then when harper keeps talking shit, gives him a slap .

and advances on randy like TALK SHIT SO I CAN SLAP YOU TOO .

randy declines .

and luke storms off in a sulk .

and cut backstage, as woman #483 interviews becky .

who is angry and planning to win .

but next, lawler interviews dolph .

so *now* i can get that drink .

but first, a video about the 2005 rumble and batista .

(neither of which are likely to be relevant come Sunday) .

and also, they managed to make a video about that without mentioning vince 'i can sever both my quads simultaneously, because fuck your rules' mcmahon .

oh god, the king's court segment started while i was typing that and i had forgotten how nails-on-a-chalkboard lawler's voice was to me .

the man causes my mind genuine pain .

dolph arrives, and he doesn't give a shiiiiiiiit .

jerry is disappointed at dolph becoming evil .

clearly, you have never seen his twitter handle .

dolph is just refusing to engage this interview at all, and it's great .

it does give lawler more time to speak, but also showcases the correct way to respond to an overweight aging man in pants, a crown and a velvet cloak taking you to task for your life choices .

jerry cues recaps of dolph loisng to kalisto last week, which seems like a questionable strategy .

good way to piss a man off .

dolph still not saying word one .

keeps raising the mic and teasing the crowd .

and is now leaving .

jerry gets him to come back, and now he gets to do his promo .

dolph is like yeah whatever u lil shit i brought some footage myself .

of dolph fighting him in 2012 .

and being like lol jerry i gave you a legit heart attack .

i do appreciate dick ziggler .

just like now stop asking me questions or i'll finish murdering you .

so jerry calls him a loser .

which seems like a poor decision when talking to a man who just promised to kill you if you kept talking .

so he superkicks him in the chest .

makes sense, really .

jbl runs into the ring to check on his fellow aging douchewad as dolph leaves .

and jerry gets up and screams at dolph to get back in there .

thankfully, he doesn't, or jerry would straight-up die .

next up, main event cage shiz .

but first, another xxx trailer .

immediately followed by another one that ties it in with shane jumping off shit like an idiot .

as he does so well .

jerry's gonna be on talking smack, so i definitely won't be watching that .

announce team talk smack to jbl, wyatt cut to bray giving us a talk .

the wyatts are entering the rumble, and randy and luke are fighting next week to let them blow off some tension .

but now, actual main event time .

and surprisingly, i still adore becky's jacket .

slightly different version, but still outstanding .

bell rings, alexa immediately sprints to the door .

jbl takes the opportunity to explain the concept of victory to us all .

when they finally get down to actually wrestling, rather than becky desperately holding alexa off the door, it's p great .

as should be expected from these two .

becky gets onto the top of the cage, briefly forgets how to operate her right leg so alexa can drag her back in by the hair .

so she comes back with a bexploder from the top rope for a nearfall .

okay, this is great .

and now la luchadora appears, blocking the door .

i don't even know any more .

she gets in, kicks becky in the head to break a disarmher, and alexa hits a ddt for the pin .

and nobody has a clue .

alexa orders the ref out of the ring so she and her mysterious friend can kick the shit out of becky

.

becky manages to get a comeback and unmask her, and it's...mickie james? .

i honestly did not call that .

in that case, what excuse does she have for that weak-ass head kick? .

we know you can do better, mickie .

and fade on those two posing in the cage with the belt .

and so we close this particular bit of programming expect more soon, because i need to catch up before the upcoming BIG-ASS WRESTLING WEEKEND .

(not the big ass-wrestling weekend) .

(that's next week)