#sub counts don't really matter that much in today's internet

[theabigailthorn]

1.5 MILLION SUBS BAYBEEEEE!

Yoooooooooooo! Heyyyy, thank you everybody! That's a fun milestone!

If you like, feel free to tell me your favourite Philosophy Tube moments, I'd be curious to hear!

[dzpenumbra]

8/23/22

The topic today is a fun one. Money and financial habits. I'll just lay it out on the table, I come from a family with money, so they've really bailed my ass out in making sure I always have a place to live and I can really focus all the attention I can on my craft. I'm insanely lucky and deeply grateful, I hope the creativity I've been thoroughly nurturing the past several years is paying off.

I have had the odd luxury of being a failed freelance for the past... decade, at least. I've sold a few things here and there. I've done a tattoo apprenticeship (school, I guess, technically, but it counts as a real apprenticeship... keep telling yourself that...). I worked at a bakery, I worked at a gas station, I worked in Americorps doing a kids camp. I did a few pickup modeling gigs, guitar lessons, worked as an artist's assistant. Portraits where I could get em, tattoo design more so. But at the end of everything I've done, streaming has paid me the best. Which is really kinda fucking embarrassing, right?

Like... I got my college degree, I have the skill to do close-to-photorealistic animal drawings in colored pencil, yet my biggest actual financial earner basically my whole life is dicking around on the internet?! Playing games, making music, chillin with friends, ranting about one topic or another, being a cool friend and a cool host, regardless of what content is being hosted. I always kinda viewed it like... if I were to go and do a guided barefoot hike tomorrow, and lead it, that kind of profession, that's the role I'm supposed to be in. It doesn't really matter what we're doing, but I'm the host - like the news anchor, or the radio host. I'm the party leader, leading the team from a full-support role. I'm the DM. I'm the guy having a poker night EVERY WEEK in his fucking DISCORD for PATREON SUBS ONLY. Cuz if I want to keep doing this, I need to be able to pay my bills and keep food in the fridge.

It haunts me every day that I am dependent on my parents, I feel peoples' anger and jealousy(?) when they look at me, so it's a big priority of mine to not have my ability to pay my rent dependent on my parents. It makes me very, very anxious and it makes me feel unsafe when I go in public because of the way people have viewed me like this in the past, as though I don't work hard, as though I haven't gone through Hell's gates several times. I'm not in any of this to get massively rich or famous, I have grown very accustomed to a very spartan lifestyle in the better half of the past two decades. I've spent this time trying very hard to spend as little of the money I was given as possible and to create as much value from that investment as I can. So if you're the radio host for a living, yes, you can expect to be paid for your work. If you're a TV host, a hike guide, a bartender, a concierge - you can expect to get paid for your work.

If you're a streamer.......................................................

Or a YouTuber................................................................

So here I am... reconnecting with my weed smoking hippie side from early college - the one who birthed my creativity. This reconnection is my prayer, venerating/honoring my own Genesis. I'm making nature-based art with locally sourced found objects. Wood, Stone, Bone. All-natural, handcrafted, organic art. The only thing I'm sourcing that isn't from nature within 10 miles of my house is the copper wire I'm going to fuck around with for making hand-polished mineral/stone jewelry. Never done it before, fingers fuckin crossed it goes well, it seems fun. New mediums are always such an exciting new place to be, a rush really. Like everything you do is learning something new, it's a crazy feeling, it can be super overwhelming. So hopefully I can find a crowd to sell those to, I think Farmers Markets in the Fall might bring some opportunities to hock my crafted jewelry like a Romani trader or something. Add in working in the digital studio on Twitch, sharing that experience, maybe someone passing by would want a piece? I think that's such a cool fucking idea, but I just suck at getting people interested I guess, and I end up at the bottom of the list on Twitch because my viewer count is always low as shit because people just keep blowing me off and never showing up really. Then like finding ways to make it my fault or something, like there's actually a reason why they're not hanging out with me at work that night other than "they don't want to", "they got better shit to do". It's so weird how many codes and ciphers people have invented to avoid honestly saying "I don't want to spend time with you".

So a message is sent out into the world. When I take a leadership role. When I take a guide role. When I take a host role. People do not show up. People do not attend. People do not join the team. When I queue up for a game as Team Leader, no one in my Party/Group is on that team. They are all people randomly queued in with me. When I host a poker night, no one shows up and I just change it last minute to a youtube arabian ghost hunting watch party or something that maybe one or two people attend. When I host the hike, no one shows up and I just solo hike. When I host the radio show, I have no listeners, no call-ins, no requests, no studio visits (had like 2 or 3 visits during my whole radio show stint in college). THAT is the message sent to the world. THAT is my publicity. And THAT is why I don't have any income. That's the best I can really sum it up, I'm sure there are a lot of other things that contribute. Like how I feel really shitty charging family and friends for my work. How it feels really fucking awkward to have to CHASE DOWN your best friend and be like "hey, so that tattoo I designed for you, that's was like... 2-300 bucks worth of work... so... you know..." like a fucking debt collector. It makes me feel really shitty. Or like having to CHASE DOWN your best friend and go "hey, you uh... never paid me for being a nanny to your infant child so you could go work all day, and then fired me because I didn't take her outside enough without any real sit-down on what the fuck I would be doing outside. Like I've EVER been alone with an infant in a public park."

Most of my lack of income has come from trying to avoid these social situations. If my stream isn't working, I'd rather put it on hold until I have a better plan than to continue streaming with 3 viewers and look like I actually really suck at what I do. It's BAD advertising, that shit could hurt me in the long run. Just sayin... But yeah, most of my lack of income feels like it just comes from having unhealthy relationships, like not very supportive or inclusive ones. Like I'm kept at arms length or some shit. I know some of them are trying, and they all have their burdens to bear, and obstacles that make this difficult. I don't know if it's my place to really question or challenge those reasons, though I do have a history of doing so. But I do know that I've been on half-rations for like 10 years and I try very hard to be as frugal as I can make myself aware to be, like a self-flagellating penitent (fuck yeah I just looked that shit up, 14th century Catholic church, suck it).

I have learned very well how to spend very little money. How to live with broken down utilities, how to cook every meal, how to cook in bulk to save money, what to do to pass time when you lose power in a thunderstorm for like 4 hours and you're 100% by yourself in the dark with just a cat, how to wrap your head around eating the same meal for dinner 4+ nights in a row because you need to finish it all before it goes bad. So cutting costs and repurposing/upcycling things has become a prominent specialty, necessity is the mother of invention. But the weird thing is that it doesn't really matter if my income is actually well below the poverty line, I'm still paying the same social price as if I was staying at a fancy hotel on my parents' dime. It never really sheds that weight. It's weird like that.

I went into this wanting to talk about weird money skills you learn. Like me... I am weirdly stunted because I just don't check my account balance. I just sorta adjusted to not doing it for a multitude of reasons, so literally every single transaction I make is a leap of faith. It's a heart-in-throat, holy fuck, is my card going to get declined again moment. And sometimes it does. Yeah. So I don't know, maybe if someone reads this and thinks shitty of creatives who come from wealthy families, like... you're not really seeing the whole story, and it may not be all sunshine and daisies. You only learn habits through repetition, practice, and if you're never immersed in having income, it can be a bit jarring to suddenly get it. And the way they are living, the lifestyle they are living, the thing that people tend to not like wealthy people because of... the opulence, the sloth, peeling out in their sports car or swimming in gold coins all day like Scrooge McDuck. Yeah, I know people who are/were like that, but that's not me and a LOT of people like me. And yet we pay the social judgment price as though we were.

I don't like having fancy things, I like having stuff that works and stuff you can repair, that lasts. I don't like brand status symbol clothes, I like comfy clothes that support bands I like, and friends. So I hope people will judge me more on the content of my soul and my creative expression than by the stereotype of hippie weirdo with rich parents who pay for them to play artist or whatever for a few years until they cut them off out of... spite? I guess? I don't know the reasoning, just seems like yet another excuse for people to just not like different people and get angry at them.

Weird topic for me, I rarely ever talk about it, but this was a very nice retrospection of what's been going on for me. It's been pretty hell-on-earth for the past several years, but things are oddly stabilizing... kinda... I guess... and I just feel like something could take shape right around the corner, if I play my cards right. Trying to keep that spark of hope alive, that leap of faith, that impulse where after you slam on a skate trick, you get back up, get your awareness back, let the pain subside, then go and try it again right away. The optimism. The drive. That thing. Nurture that fucker. It'll get you through some tough times. Don't let it get reckless though, keep it in check with your goals and your moral character. It's very important to keep a moral leash on pure, unbridled confidence - she's like an injection of Anti-Fear. That's a hell of a feeling, people get addicted to that shit. I guess that's why mindfulness - self-awareness, being present and intentional with your actions - is really important to practice too, as a companion to confidence/willpower. That way you have the immensely powerful drive to keep trying and persevere, but what's keeping that from turning into just following every impulse unquestioningly is that sense of mindfulness. Being deliberate. Taking the impulse and asking, what are you? Why am I doing this? To what end? Not necessarily to challenge the impulse, but to look at it first and give it a nod if it still sounds good. Like a dinner request from a child, I imagine. To acknowledge that those are two distinctly different voices, impulse and supervisor, and that they should be talking to eachother. Reading the contract before you sign, proofreading a text before you send it, that kinda shit. I think both of those are equally important, and you kinda need both.

I guess that's all for now. I'm excited to get streaming back up and running soon, and music, all that. This might be a crazy winter and I'm actually looking forward to it. Hopefully I can move somewhere with better heat. We'll see where this takes me. If you read this, thank you for taking a step into my life, my story. It's been just me in here for quite some time, I sincerely appreciate the interest and I hope you are having a wonderful day. <3