#struggling not to write a million different ways of dw instantly falling for a monster morg

[shewhowantsmouseears]

Darkwing Doubloon Versus The Sea Witch

So based on the poll, did a comedy-based drabble. Feel free to mentally think of OG DWD or 17. If enough people like it, I'll consider writing a full "episode".

Fear! Ha! Fear was not a word that Darkwing Doubloon was familiar with. It was the thing that held back weaker men than he! It was an obstacle that inferior buffoons couldn’t surmount! It was the disease that ravaged those who would do justice harm! Suffice it to say, DARKWING DOUBLOON, hero of the seven seas, pirate extraordinaire and legend in his own right wasn’t afraid of anything!

“So for the last time, quit asking me if I’m afraid.” The very same pirate audibly snapped at his crewmates, choosing to glare into the darkness instead of at them. “My knees are knocking because we’re knee-high in cold ocean water! The next guy who asks gets to go back on the ship and make sure Gosashire doesn’t shanghai it again.”

“You’re a braver man than me, Darkwing.” Launchpad replied as he took slow, steady steps behind his captain. Each of the four men had their own lit torch, but even with their combined light, the watery catacombs were nearly impossible to see through. The most they could make out was each other’s terrified face (except for Darkwing, who, again, wasn’t scared, no sir) and the occasional smelly barnacle on the wall. “I mean, we’re in the lair of a hideous, fearsome, sea-monster! One who controls every single creature that’s in the waves! One wrong move, and we could be swimming with the fishes!”

“I hope not! I didn’t bring my water wings.” Stegmutt held his torch in one hand, and his large tail in the other, taking up Darkwing’s left flank.

Gizmoduck was on Darkwing’s right, and even his historically-anachronist visor couldn’t help him see any further than his companions. “My precise calculations located the signal that’s been controlling the sea life from within this very cave… but none of them said how deep it was. I can’t even tell if we’re heading in the right direction!”

Always eager for a chance to puff up his already inflated ego, Darkwing strutted forward with his beak held high. “Luckily, my keen instinct tells me way more than your calculations could ever say! I am certain we’re headed the right way! And once we find this so-called monster that’s been controlling the fish to attack ships and steal their treasure, the grand and glorious battle between us shall be so ground, history books shall teach about it hundreds of years from now! Which reminds me. First mate Launchpad, you brought the quill and parchment to write down the grand and glorious battle?”

“Right here!” Launchpad proudly held out a waterlogged parchment scroll that now seemed more suited for the trash than of trashing titans. “Uh… I might have to write down a condensed version, though.”

“No matter! Might as well start off with the good stuff. Write down how amazingly heroic I am as I lead you all deeper and deeper into the lair of the monster. Though many have heard its siren call, no man has ever laid eyes upon the beast…”

As Darkwing began to ramble on about the mysteries that the sea monster had left in its wake, Stegmutt found himself more concerned with the mystery of his stomach growling. Fortunately, that had an easy answer, as he stashed some extra rations in his back pocket. The trick now was getting them out without dropping his torch or his tail. He fumbled and began to lag his companions, struggling in vain to keep his arms full and yet not full at the same time. After a few more grunts and groans, he found his problem solved when the rations were rather abruptly dangled in front of his face.

“Oh, why thank you!” He pleasantly chirped as he reached forward to take them… and then realized that this sudden help was probably not a good thing. He had no time to shriek in surprise before what had helped him suddenly yanked him under the water, leaving behind only a torch to be doused.

“Hmm, getting harder to see what I’m writing down here.” Launchpad mumbled, having used one hand for a torch, one to hold the parchment, and his mouth to hold the quill. “Stegmutt, you mind bringing your light in closer? … Stegmutt?”

With no reply given from the usually overly helpful chap, all three turned in his direction only to find the large dino-duck gone. They all looked around, futile as it was given the darkness, and made a collective gulp.

“W-where could he have gone?!” Gizmoduck stammered, trying to inch closer to his friends as tightly as possible. “He was just here a minute ago!”

“Obviously,” Darkwing roughly pushed Gizmoduck aside, “he fled back to the ship! His nerves got the better of him, that’s all. Not every man has the bravery to take down sea-monsters. Onward, men!” As plausible as the theory was, Gizmoduck and Launchpad couldn’t help but exchange nervous glances. “Now, where was I?”

“You were saying how no one’s ever actually seen the monster up close?” Launchpad answered, getting dangerously close to swallowing the quill.

“Right, right, right. Up until a month ago, the seas around these islands were as calm as the sweetest lullaby on the softest sheep…” He paused, then shook his head. “Definitely going to have to rework these metaphors. Point is, it’s only then that any passing ship suddenly got attacked by octopi, electric eels, and every manner of scaled sea creature that can swim! They were only ever after treasure and gold, and they all fled to this very cave.”

“But why would they even want treasure?” Gizmoduck asked out loud, trying to pop open one of his mechanical arms so he could try doing scientific doo-hickey things to find a better signal. “That’s what bothers me about this. I don’t think it’s a monster, I think it’s a person! If I could just get this darn thing to open… must be logged with sea water…” He too began to lag as he struggled in vain to jimmy open his arm. Once again, he got surprise help from an outsider that popped it open.

“Gee, thanks!” And once again, he too realized he shouldn’t be thanking whatever just helped him, as now he too was suddenly seized down below.

“Maybe they’re all just feeling shell-fish.” Launchpad chuckled at his own pun, but that made him accidentally spit out his quill. “Oops. Gizmoduck, you got another quill on you? You sure seem to have everything but the kitchen sink… Gizmoduck?”

Captain and First Mate looked at where Gizmoduck once was to find where he once wasn’t. As their eyes slowly met, Darkwing let out a shaky, nervous laugh. “C-Cowardice appears to be contagious! Clearly, he too has retreated to the ship!”

“M-M-Maybe we ought to do the same thing.” Launchpad began to tremble so hard, some of the embers of his torch touched the parchment. “We can leave this story on a cliffhanger and pick up in, ah, twenty years?”

“Nay!” Darkwing turned around an overly dramatic fashion, his cape smacking Launchpad in the face. “Darkwing Doubloon doesn’t believe in ‘To be Continued’! Whatever this foul, reprehensible creature is, man or monster, it will know no mercy to my blade! Oh, that’s a good one, be sure to write that down.”

Launchpad would have obeyed, but the parchment fire was a bit more distressing to deal with. He wasn’t sure how to put it out without making things worse, but – for the third time – a helper came along and simply smacked the fire out. Do you even need a full paragraph to know what happened next?

“I’m on a roll!” Darkwing cheered, oblivious that he was now speaking to no one. “This may be my greatest adventure yet! I hope this thing really puts up a fight! And the uglier it is, the more heroic I’ll seem in comparison! Launchpad, I want you to write down every single last gut-twisting detail of the monster’s… uh-oh.” He had glanced back to make sure Launchpad was writing diligently, only to discover Launchpad wasn’t there at all. His shoulders slumped, now terribly aware of how large the cavern was when compared to one single man. “Hooo-kay, fine.” he muttered, tugging on his frilled collar. “This might be a bad sign.”

Of course, he still wasn’t afraid. As said before, he didn’t know the meaning of the word! But as his steps forward slowed down inch by inch, he was willing to purchase a dictionary if he got out of this alive… When! When he got out of this alive! He was going to make it out and make his legend shine brighter than the closest star! He was a hero that never backed down from anything! He had a daughter who would endlessly make fun of him if he ran back now –

He felt something yank on his cape, and for a moment he was relieved he was alone, as the high-pitched scream he made was not something he’d care to share. “I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! AND HANDSOME! AND RICH! … TWO OUT OF THREE AIN’T BAD!” He whipped out his sword and frantically swung in the direction of whatever was holding him hostage, keeping one of his eyes shut in his frantic antics… only to realize the fearsome being that had caught him was just a jagged rock that had snagged his cape. He exhaled very deeply, even allowing a dry “ha” or two to escape him. “Sheesh, those scaredy-cat deserts are mine are rubbing off on me! There’s nothing to be afraid of, except the damage to my good taste.”

He knelt and began trying to tug his cape loose, but it was difficult to do so without tearing it up, and he was loathe to let his excellent sense of fashion suffer. As was the same for his captured companions, he got unexpected help untying his cape. But this time, Darkwing was able to stop his gratitude before it left his beak.

What now held his cape was a big, long, thick, black tentacle. He clicked his tongue to the inside of his cheek. “Lemme take a shot in the dark here. You took away my crew.”

The tentacle appeared to nod.

“And now you intend to do the very same thing to me.”

Another nod.

“Noted. Appreciate the brevity.”

With that out of the way, the tentacle wrapped itself around his leg and proceeded to drag him underneath the water. But since he’d known what was to come, Darkwing was able to hang onto his wits enough to try hanging onto anything his hands could grab. The tentacle didn’t make this easy, and almost seemed to smack him into every rock, wall, and extremely sharp piece of coral it could find. As Darkwing’s expletives bubbled away in the water, an idea came to him – he unhooked his scabbard from his belt, and with seconds to spare, looped it around an oncoming rock that was just tall enough to get him some breathing space. He gasped for much-needed air, and then glared irritability at the tentacle still tugging him.

“You’ll have to try harder than that to get one over Darkwing Doubloon!” He announced as he drew out his sword and made several blind attempts to stab in the dark. His troubles doubled as a second tentacle splashed out of the water and tried to ensnare his wrist. “Hey! That was NOT an incentive!” With twice the tugging, it was twice as hard to hold onto his scabbard, and his body felt as if every bone was crying out in protest. “Owowowowow! Though I have to say, this is doing wonders for my back, it’s usually in knots…”

Oh-ho! Such a pity that not everyone could be as quick-thinking and brilliant as DARKWING DOUBLOON! With an excited grin, he dropped his sword and grabbed both tentacles at once. It took only seconds of careful but quick execution, and not only was he freed, but both tentacles were now tied up together in a knot that would make any sailor proud. The tentacles immediately began to withdraw, and Darkwing drew himself up proudly, even giving his sword a fanciful twirl. “Yep, yep, yep – that about wraps things up here! Now, to follow those terrible tentacles and find out what’s become of my crew!”

After going back a few steps to retrieve his fallen hat – really, what was any pirate with a good huge hat? – he ventured onward towards a faint light in the distance. His best guess was this was the cave’s final room, a theory that grew along with the light. He pressed himself up against a corner wall to peek in as much as he could without being seen.

The large treasure horde was being light by dozens of hanging candles, which also helped to illuminate the mountains of stolen jewels, gold, and treasure chests that had been seized from ships. They also helped show off the trio of captured pirates, who were each dangling in a tiny bamboo cage that creaked with every tiny motion they made. The walls were aligned with bookshelves, which was an oddity to Darkwing, as what good was any book in a waterlogged cavern? A looming shadow was wading into the center of the room, heading towards a throne constructed from purple shells and red coral – right next to the throne was a partially broken stone pillar, but what was more important was a bright, shining tiara sitting atop it. The golden piece was outfitted with three large rubies, and perhaps on the surface seemed no more important than any of the other treasures lumped here and there… but Darkwing was clever enough to know that no one put things on pillars unless they were purposeful! If that wasn’t some ancient artifact of evil, he didn’t know what was.

As the tall, looming figure began to take a seat, grousing as they labored to undo the tentacle tie, Darkwing knew no moment would be better for his big entrance. He checked his pocket, and thanked himself for making sure his trademark smoke bombs were extra, super-duper waterproof. A Darkwing Doubloon without smoke bombs, could you even imagine…!

He flicked three out onto the dry surface of the cavern room, and they instantly billowed his favorite color, startling his would-be foe.

“I am the terror that sails the seas!”

He jumped out from the cavern wall, still hidden in the smoke, but already brandishing his sword. His crew would have begun hooting for joy on his arrival, but they also knew their captain well enough by now never to interrupt his opening speech.

“I am the stubborn barnacle that clings to the ship of evil!”

Now the smoke began to dissipate, allowing the monster and the hero to finally look at one another.

“I, am… ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SINGLE.”

Seconds ago, had anyone ever asked Darkwing his ideas on romance and affairs of the heart, he would have given a pithy remark that his one true love was the sea. But seconds ago, he hadn’t seen the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on, at least from the waist up. She was tall! She was slender! She had rich green eyes that were more gorgeous than any emerald in the king’s treasury! She had dark raven hair that hung ever so perfectly on her side, with just the right amount of white streaked in! She… well, he couldn’t really comment on her outfit as he wasn’t sure what was cloth and what was scales and staring too intently at those places on a lady might be deemed inappropriate. And this was a lady! A real lady! A real, gorgeous, elegant, hominahominahomina lady!

Darkwing internally noted that he and the sea had decided to see other people.

As for the mystery maiden, she raised an eyebrow at his odd introduction, not sure what to make of it. She spared a quick aside to her victims, only to find them as puzzled as she was. She looked back at him, rested an arm on her throne, and much to Darkwing’s delight, her voice was just as enchanting as the rest of her. “I’m sorry, who are you, again?”

“Ha! Where are my manners?” Darkwing swiftly returned his sword to its scabbard, having need of it no longer. He walked straight up to the throne, and then got to one knee, removing his hat for the moment. “I’m known in these waters The Darkwing Doubloon – but simply Darkwing will suffice – and it is my most esteemed pleasure to meet such exquisite company.” He took her pale hand – my, such long claw-like nails surely meant she took good care of herself! – and kissed the top of it before sporting a flashy grin.

One more time, she looked at her victims, and they had taken on a See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Say No Evil response to whatever insanity was happening before their very eyes. Darkwing was more than content to ignore the silent peanut gallery, and just waggled his eyebrows. “Catfish got your tongue?”

“Admittedly, this is usually the part where people start screaming.” She answered, vaguely gesturing to her… frankly, all of her. “Like your friends did. You know, ‘ahhh, help me, don’t eat me, I want my mommy’?”

Darkwing gasped, hand clasped to his chest in horror, and was already on his feet. “They did what? For shame! They know better than to treat a lady so shamefully!” He turned to his friends and wagged a finger as if they were all collectively his children. “We’ll be having words back on the ship!” Ignoring their shared expressions of disbelief, he popped his hat back on his head before speaking to his lady fair. “On behalf of the disgraceful actions my crew has shown you, I sincerely and humbly apologize.”

Something akin to a grin began to sneak up on the woman’s face, and with a shift of her waist, she dropped her tentacles in front of his face. “I don’t suppose you’ll also apologize for this?”

Somehow, the tentacles belonging to his ideal bride hadn’t quite connected in his brain yet, and after making a spooked noise, he looked back and forth between the extra appendages and who they were attached to several times. Amazingly, this was not a deal-breaker. He chuckled shyly, nervously trying to gently tug the tentacles apart. “It seems like we got off on the wrong foot… or several of them.” He cleared his throat, as she tapped her nails along her armrest. “You see, m’lady, there’s been these awful robberies on the high seas around these areas, and we were sent here to investigate these affairs. Would you happen to know anything about it?”

Her eyes narrowed dangerously, and her sensual voice took on a low growl. “You could say I do.”

“Fantastic! What’s say you and I discuss it about it with little bit of dinner, candlelight, and – YIPE!” the freed tentacles were now snuggly wrapped around Darkwing’s legs and had chosen to hang him upside down in front of the woman’s face.

“I know that for many a moon, you mortals have been dumping your garbage into my waters!” She snarled, her cold hand gripping Darkwing’s beak. “Over and over, you pollute my home without a second thought! So I decided that if your kind is so eager to give away their possessions, it’s only right I should take what I want from them!” She then pushed his face away, making him the world’s first human pendulum. “I, Morgana MaCawber, the Sea Witch, shall take what is rightfully mine until no mortal dares to tread the ocean again! What say you to that, Darkwing?”

“First, I’m glad I had a light lunch.” Darkwing gagged as he swung back and forth helplessly. “Second, I give a hoot! I don’t pollute! That’s the truth!”

Morgana snorted in contempt, before tossing Darkwing over her shoulder and letting him land in a particularly painful pound of pennies. After spitting out copper, he weakly tried to defend his position. “I mean it! There’s no one who loves the ocean more than I do! I respect it as I would my own mother! No, more than that, because the ocean can never ground me!” There was a possible pun in there, but no time to dwell on that, he had a gal to impress! He scrambled up the bookcases so he could cling to the closest cage, which happened to be Launchpad’s. “C’mon, guys, vouch for me! I’m officially upgrading you from first mates to wingmen!”

Gizmoduck stuck a thumb in his ear. “Maybe I’ve got swimmer’s ear going on, but are you listening to yourself right now?”

“Guys, guys, it’s fine.” Launchpad kept his voice down to a whisper. “This is all part of Darkwing’s plan. He’s trying to get her to lower her guard, then he’ll snatch victory from the tentacles of defeat! Right?”

The long beat of silence didn’t inspire confidence, nor did Darkwing’s lack of eye-to-eye confirmation as he swiftly said, “Sure.”