#stray kidsxreader

[stray-kids-in-your-area]

The Death Of Me

“Despite the pain, I think our story was beautiful for what it was.

I love you dearly Christopher Bang. 

Goodbye.”

warning: Angst and death

word count: 14.7k 

|M.list|

A/N: i just want to give a huge shoutout to @depressed-philosophers-daughter​ without her this entire piece would not have ever come together like it did. i love you so much honey. 

6:45am, your alarm started screaming for you to wake. Groaning, you quickly grabbed your phone and dismissed the obnoxious noise. You slowly opened your eyes only to squeeze them shut again. The sun was just beginning to rise and was shining directly through the barely opened blinds. “Bitch.” You rasped with your groggy morning voice. Giving yourself a few more minutes to fully wake up you decided to scroll through some of your notifications, smiling as you came across a spam of late night/early morning texts from your best friend Chan.

You and Chan had been friends ever since you transferred to his school in grade 7. He was the only person who’d stuck by your side when things got heavy and you felt like you were losing your mind and vice versa. You took care of each other mentally and physically. Constantly checking to make sure neither of you were overworked as well as eating and drinking enough.

Blinking your eyes a few times, you got them to focus on the last picture sent. The longer you stared at the photo of him the more your stomach began to churn. What started as simple butterflies soon turned into a flurry, and then into a full blown monsoon. Saliva gathered in your mouth as you gagged, tossing your phone to the side your hand flew to your mouth as you bolted to the bathroom. You dropped to your knees in front of the toilet, flinging the lid open and dry heaving into it, no liquids would escape you. Black dots appeared in your vision as you gasped for air between the heaves. You looked down, expecting to find some kind of bile, even a wad of saliva. Instead there was a single white flower petal floating in the water. You swallowed harshly even blinking a few times to make sure the sight before you was real. Placing a hand around your throat, you rubbed lightly. It felt like something had planted themselves inside your airway. “What the fuck?” you wheezed out, shaking your head. “This must be a hallucination,” you thought to yourself. There was no way you could actually cough up a plant. Looking back into the bowl and seeing the same white floral leaf shook you to the core. With shaking hands, You slammed the lid shut with whatever strength you could muster before running into your room. Bringing your clammy hands to your face, you touched your burning cheeks and took a deep breath to calm your nerves. The most you could do was try to forget about it and get ready for the work day ahead of you. 

Arriving at the pet center right on time, you went into the backroom and grabbed your apron, slipping it on before heading to the floor. Your coworkers Seungmin and Hyunjin were seated at the front desk conversing. Seungmin’s chair faced towards the doorway you had walked through. Weaving his body around the man perched on the edge of the desk in front of him, Seungmin waved at your disgruntled figure. “Morning y/n!” he beamed, barely lifting your head, you nodded back, giving him a half hearted smile. Seungmin cringed at the weak hello and Hyunjin turned around to see what his coworker was making faces at.  “Oof looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Hyunjin mumbled to you. “Sorry” you responded, fiddling with the strings behind you, in an attempt to hide the sheepish smile creeping onto your face.

 “Not really feeling too good” you said quietly, your eyes still looking at the ground. “You do look paler than usual” Seungmin joked as he stuck his tongue out at you. Smiling lightly for the first time since you woke up, You flicked him off and rolled your eyes. Hyunjin nudged him, kicking the rolling chair he was seated in aside before jumping down and rushing to your side. His hands quickly lifted to feel your forehead and cheeks. “Do you have a fever? Have you been drinking enough water? Did you get enough sleep last night?” Hyunjin questioned frantically as he continued his small checkup on you. Placing your own hands over his, you grabbed them gently and lowered them back to his sides. “No, yes annnnd yes” You answered, the small smile stretching into a grin. The taller nodded, his tense posture relaxing with your reassurance. “Well I don’t see anything wrong with you. Just having a rough day?” He asked sympathetically. You nodded “Yeah, I think so, i’m sure i’ll be back to myself tomorrow.” Waving to both men, you smiled once more to reassure them and went to start on your daily tasks. Things had begun to look up for you, the mood that had consumed you earlier in the day was almost gone, the incident from the morning seeming almost like a fever dream, maybe it really had been a hallucination after all. 

At least, that’s what you kept telling yourself anyway. About four hours into your shift, the bell on the front door rang. “Y/N, CHAN IS HERE FOR YOU!” Seungmin shouted from the desk. The grip on the broom you held in your hands grew tighter at just the sound of his name. Your stomach immediately twisting in knots in response. ‘What the hell is wrong with me?’ you asked yourself. Taking a deep breath, you willed yourself to calm down as much as possible and made your way to the door.  “Y/N!!” Chan threw himself on you as soon as you appeared. Shocked at the sudden contact, your throat closed up and you began coughing. You couldn’t really understand why you felt so flustered, it wasn’t as if the contact was anything new. Furrowing your brows, you could only chalk it up to it being an off day for you. The blonde released his grip and took a half step away before patting your back. “You okay puppy?” 

The concern on his face was genuine as he looked you over. You swallowed hard, “Puppy”.. the nickname Chan had given you when you first met, a day you were sure you couldn’t forget even if you wanted to ‘not that you did’, You thought offhandedly. 

It had been your first day at a new school and navigating the maze of interconnecting Halls had been a lot harder than you thought it would be. You were tired from hunting down your classes, and started to wonder if the counselor who put your schedule together had a personal vendetta against you. It seemed as if all your classes were the furthest they could possibly be from each other and your legs were about ready to give in from the impromptu walking marathon they were being forced to endure. When you met him, you were in the middle of looking between your schedule to the number plaques placed next to the doors in a last ditch effort to find your class before calling it quits and going home for the day. ‘So much for the perfect first day’ You grumbled audibly in frustration. You were so caught up in what you were doing, you didn’t notice the broad backside of the dark haired boy walking out of a classroom, until you slammed straight into it. Effectively dropping your supplies and the textbooks he held in his hands. 

If you think hard enough, you can still recall how worried you were. The way you braced for the scolding you were sure he had been itching to deliver and how embarrassed you felt for not paying attention and hitting someone on your first day. However, after a few seconds of total silence, you chanced a look at him, apologies still flooding from your lips as your eyes trailed upwards. Though, much to your surprise, the only thing present on his face was a soft and utterly amused smile. Instead of scolding you, he opted to help you gather your things and walk you to your next class, which coincidentally, you both shared. (“To avoid accidents.” He said jokingly, but you begged to differ) He always said when he turned around to yell and you looked at him with those wide eyes full of confusion and mumbling apologies you looked just like a kicked puppy. So he had no choice but to help the little lost puppy find their way. From that day forward you were attached at the hip and the rest was history. 

Thinking about the memory had your heart buzzing with an uncomfortable warmth you found hard to ignore. Your heart felt like it was about to burst through your chest, the pace alone was more than enough to alarm you. Although, the feeling of something shifting around inside you is what sent you over the edge. Placing a hand over your lips, you held back a harsh gag, little beads of water forming at the edge of your eyes before you shoved Chan away and made a Beeline for the restroom. Leaning against the door, you gasped for breath. You felt like you were on the verge of passing out from the amount of pain rolling through your body. You could taste the blood collecting in your raw throat, all it took was one last cough and you were sent straight to the floor, scratching at your neck. You could physically feel the blockage of your airway, black spots gathering in the corner of your vision had you scrambling to pull yourself up. Grabbing the cold ceramic of the sink, you pulled yourself to your feet and with what little strength was left, you held yourself up to the mirror. Your Jaw dropped open as you tried to see what was stuck in your trachea. Despite your efforts your blurry vision could only capture a small blurb of white. Squinting at your reflection, you slowly creeped your hand up to your lips, and took a shallow shaky breath through your nose before cramming your fingers down your esophagus trying to grab at whatever it was. Tears spilled from your eyes and after a few seconds of struggling you grabbed ahold of the object. A bundle of soft petals touched your fingertips as you began to slowly pull it out. You whimpered, letting out a somewhat garbled noise of agony while you tugged on the offending object. You inhaled once more, only to have the air cut short by a loose petal. ‘You can’t wait much longer, you need to breathe’ Your brain was in alert mode, you were seconds away from losing consciousness. Gearing yourself up you wasted no time yanking it out like you were starting up a lawn mower. Hot tears spilled from your eyes and the pain was like nothing you’ve ever felt before. It was indescribable, you weren’t even able to make a noise. White hot and searing pain tore through your body in waves. Worse than the pain was what hung from your mouth. A white flower..not a single petal...a whole Daffodil, splattered in blood was hanging below your chin. The stem was still lodged in your throat but at least you could breathe again. 

 Frozen in shock you could only stare at the plant through its reflection. You were broken from your trance by the sound of the opening door. A slightly annoyed Hyunjin appeared in your sights as you scrambled to pull the remaining evidence from your mouth. “y/n i’ve been knocking for like an hoouur, are you oka- Holy shit!”  Panicking at the volume of his voice, you quickly grabbed his wrist and yanked him inside before closing and locking the door. “What happened, why are you eating a flower?” He asked with alarm, you placed a finger against his lips to shush him as you grabbed the base of the flower and pulled out the last of it.  The flower landing in the sink with a resounding splat. Hyunjin winced at the pieces of coagulated blood that stuck to the stem, his brows furrowing further as he took in your haggard appearance. You couldn’t even speak, your legs felt like jelly and could no longer hold your weight either. That had become apparent when they began to wobble from lack of support.

Hyunjin noticed and right as your legs gave up completely, grabbing your arms, he secured an arm around your waist and gently sat the both of you on the floor, his hand reaching out to caress your hair. “Hyunjin” you rasped out. “I- I don’t know what's happening and I'm terrified.” You whimpered, hands shaking in shock at your close brush with suffocation. Pulling you closer, he rocked you back and forth, running his hands through your hair as tears trailed down freely.  “We’ll figure it out y/n, okay?” He cooed in your ear. “Maybe Chan will know?”  He mumbled in contemplation. Your eyes grew wide at that, and you attempted to sit up. However, your weakened state had other plans, fighting your brain's orders to move. Your body could do nothing more than shift a little. “NO!” You rasped, you winced both at your tone and the strain on your throat when you spoke. “I-I don’t want to worry him. He has enough on his plate as it is, this has to stay between us..please?” You pleaded, he looked away from you, before reluctantly sighing and nodding his head. “How long has this been happening?” He asked, keeping his head facing forward. Unable to look at you without hurting. 

 “It started this morning, I felt sick and coughed up a single petal and somehow it’s bloomed into an entire flower within hours of sprouting.” You said softly, biting your bottom lip in nervousness. “Have you looked anything up?” He asked, his face twisted in concern and confusion. You were quickly coming to find that you didn’t like serious Hyunjin as much as you loved relaxed Hyunjin.  “He doesn’t look good with a frown.”  You thought to yourself before answering. “No, not yet anyway. I was going to when I got off.” You lied easily, though you had an inkling of what it was and you were afraid of what you would discover if you looked it up. “Want me to come over and help? I’ll bring pizza” He offered with a warm smile. Despite wanting to say no, You also knew having some kind of support would help more than hurt. So with some hesitance, you nodded and smiled at your friend. Hyunjin was an angel in the truest form, he was the only other person you could trust with your life and this moment just proved that. You met him when you first started working at the shelter. His parents owned it, so he was there all the time before he was even officially employed. The two of you bonded over your love for dogs and music, though he could dance and you had two left feet, which you learned from your late night dance battles when you closed the shelter together. Hyunjin helped you clean up before the two of you went back to the front. Chan was talking to Seungmin with a worried expression plastered on his face. The pure love and fear in his eyes when he turned to you made your heart pound. You gulped, suppressing another cough as you gave him a tight lipped smile. “Y/n what happened?” You waved him off, quickly changing the subject. “Just caught a stomach bug, you know how it is sometimes. I think I might leave early if that’s okay with you two?” Seungmin and Hyunjin nodded. “Take care of yourself y/n, I don’t wanna catch your diseases.” Seungmin playfully scolded while patting your head. “I’ll keep that in mind for the next time I need to cough, Thanks.” You quipped sarcastically, while knocking his hand off of your head. “Want me to come take care of you?” Chan asked softly. You shook your head in response, “I don’t want to get you sick. I’ll call you when I feel better.” You mumbled while pulling your apron over your head as you pushed through the doors. Tossing your apron into your locker, you left without another word. You remained that way even after you finally arrived home, as soon as you opened the door, you went straight to your room and threw yourself onto your soft mattress releasing a deep groan. You let yourself relax into the softness of your comforter and slowly drifted into a much needed sleep. 

Your ringtone blasting throughout the room caused you to jolt awake and look around frantically, your eyes adjusting themselves to the glow of the moon setting high outside your window. “Oh shit it’s dark outside already?” After a few seconds of peering into the darkness and allowing your brain to process what was happening and you grabbed your phone and answered it. Grunting out an irritated Hello into the receiver. “Hello?” Hyunjins strained voice could be heard from the other side. “I’m actually gonna kick your ass. I’ve called you 7 times in the past hour, what the hell were you doing?” guilt hit you, you had no clue you slept that long. “Sorry Jinnie, i was really tired...what’s up?” Figuring he teased you enough, he chuckled lightly and answered, “Well I'm outside of your house with 2 large pizzas waiting for you to let me in so I can help you figure out this whole flower ordeal!” Jumping up from the bed you raced down stairs to the front door. “Shit, shit, shit sorry I forgot!! I'll let you in, bye!” Hanging up you yanked open the door and behind it stood Hyunjin, pizza in hand and an amused look on his face. “Hiiii Hyunjin” You smiled and let out a fake laugh. “Long time no see, are you drooling for me or the pizza?” He teased. The tall boy laughed at your embarrassed face while you wiped the corners of your lips with your sleeve. Slipping past you he went straight to the living room and set the pizza on the coffee table. Planting his bottom on the floor, he pulled the laptop out from his backpack. “Go grab yours and let's get to work.” He said in a no nonsense tone. You pouted and he laughed as you ran upstairs and grabbed your laptop before heading back down. 

Placing your laptop on the coffee table, you turned to him, kicking his leg out of your way with a chuckle. “Want a drink?” you asked, making your way to the kitchen. “You have coke?” He asked. “Of course I do, who do you think I am?” You quipped back playfully before disappearing in the kitchen and emerging with two drinks in hand. 

“Well, let's get started!” You said, tossing him a can and powering up your laptop. Hyunjin nodded, a slight smile on his lips as he began to type. After several hours of furious typing and comfortable silence, you both could agree that the two of you were either on the verge of permanent back problems or carpal tunnel. (According to jinnie, either at this point were possible) When you looked up, you realized not only was it almost 3:00 am, but the two of you had finished both pizzas and a case of soda. Glancing across the table, Hyunjin didn’t seem to be any better off. Exiting out of the website you were on, you pushed the laptop away from you. “I didn’t think it would be this hard!”  You whined letting out an exasperated sigh before throwing yourself back. Hyunjin looked up from his screen, rubbing his tired eyes before focusing on you again. “Come on Y/n we can’t give up. What if this kills yo-” his voice trailed off as he stared at the screen on his computer. “Oh my god” he mumbled under his breath. You sat up quickly, shuffling over to his side of the table and looking at his screen. “What, What’d you find?” You asked. 

He remained silent, only turning his head to look at you with eyes full of sympathy. “Y/n, I think I found the answer to your problem...it’s called Hanahaki.”You did a double take, looking from him to the screen, “What the hell is Hana-ki-ki?” You asked, confusion written across your face. “Hana-ha-ki.” He corrected as he turned his face back to the laptop clearing his throat. “It's a disease stemming from a one-sided love..it’s cured when the affected person’s love is returned.” You swallowed the lump that formed in your throat, cold sweat building in your hairline from your heart rate skyrocketing. “..a-and if it’s not returned?” you managed to squeak. Hyunjin’s voice grew soft as he turned his body towards you. “If it’s not returned by the time the petals turn black, it becomes fatal.” Tears fell from his eyes as he listed off the symptoms that awaited you. “It begins with a sprout, usually there’s a dirt or grassy aftertaste you barely notice, oftentimes you don’t get it at all. Then, the stomach pains begin, it says here that’s caused by the roots and budding stems settling within your body. Once they begin to bloom, you cough up petals and the person’s health begins to rapidly deteriorate. Which is what I assume is currently happening to you right now.” He mumbled, pausing to look at your blank face before continuing once again. “Y/n. Eventually, you’ll grow an entire garden inside of you and it will completely cut off any airways, your lungs will collapse and your heart will give out under the stress, effectively shutting down your entire body.” Hyunjin’s voice cracked, his hands trembling as he stared at you. Your face was still blank, body unmoving as you took in his words. “There is a silver lining though,” He whispered, gently grabbing your hand. Your face remained blank as you waited for him to continue. “There is a surgery available for Hanahaki. You can get it removed  however, your memories of the person you love will be completely wiped from your mind...you’ll forget about them all together and it’ll be like he never existed.” You sat there deathly still, attempting to collect all the information that was just hurled at you.

After a few moments, you shook your head in disbelief racking your brain for any possible love interests that entered your life recently. Looking at Hyunjin quizzically and sighed out in frustration. “But Jin, I..I don’t have romantic feelings for anyone?” Hyunjin raised an eyebrow incredulously, blinking his eyes in tandem. “You’re seriously that oblivious to your own feelings?” He breathed out. He could almost see the giant question mark floating over your head. “Y/n, It's Chan. Yaknow, that one australian fellow? His hair sounds like a bag of lays potato chips when the wind hits it? Nose is kinda big but so is...his feet, He’s got a dimple. He’s always attached to your hip, ring any bells?” There it was again...the small flutters in your stomach. The information was too much to process. You’ve never thought about him that way...right? 

You couldn’t help but give Hyunjin a disgusted look. “WHAT? NO WAY IN HELL. I DON’T LIKE HIM LIKE THAT, HE’S LIKE A BROTHER TO ME!” The flutters grew stronger the more you denied it. “Yeah, if you’re from Alabama.” He finished with a click of his tongue, shaking his head in faux sympathy. Your thoughts were all over the place, the fluttering wreaking havoc on your insides. “What do you want me to say? I’m not in love with hi-” a small cough escaped your lips. “I'm not talking about this anymore.” You gently closed his laptop before getting up and walking outside, trying to get a hold of your emotions. “This is absurd..I don’t like him like that.” you said, running your hands through your hair. “I mean, Sure he’s handsome...a-and kind and sweet and talented and just all around a perfect human, but I don’t...I’m not in love with him.” You spoke to the empty space around you, silence it’s only response. The increasing pressure in your stomach told you that you were only trying to convince yourself. You knew deep down what you felt for him but you were always terrified to admit it..too afraid to lose the person closest to you. 

After that night with Hyujin, you did everything in your power to avoid anything that had to do with Chan. It was hard, Every thought that graced your mind was tainted with his presence, what he was doing or how he was feeling. He would message you every few hours just to check on you but you couldn’t will yourself to reply. At this point the sound of vibration was making you sick. Finally giving in, you grab your phone and read through some of the messages, eyes widening at the last one that had been sent. 

“Please feel better soon, love”

“I miss you *pouty face*” “Stop ignoring meeee i wanna talk to my best friend”

“Do you need anything?”

“A n s w e r m e e e e” “I'm coming over” 

“Im here”

Scrambling off your bed you bolted down to the front door. Just as you reached to lock it the door began to open. “Shit fuck” turning you went to charge back upstairs when you felt a grip on your wrist “Y/n..” You slowly turned your body to face him. He looked just as exhausted as you, his hair was messy and he had bags under his eyes. Was he worried or just overworking himself again? Maybe both? Your stomach made a disgusting noise. “Let go, let go, let go.” You wiggled your hand free from his grip and ran up into your bathroom, locking the door and reeking havoc on the porcelain bowl. Not even thirty seconds later there was a knock on the door 

“Puppy just let me in...let me help you” Chan sighed as he rested his head against the door making a soft thud “Please stop with that fucking nickname, it’s not making this any better!” you wailed. Another harsh round of coughs hit you, making you squeeze your fists so tight they became pale. Everything seized and you laid back against the wall gasping for air..that’s when you heard the door knob wiggle and a click signaling it had been unlocked. The door opened and there stood your best friend in all his glory. “(y/n)?” 

The boy looked at the floor confused as he saw gray flower petals littering the tile. He looked to you with an indecipherable expression. “How long?” He asked sternly, You looked back at him , returning the same unreadable expression. “What do you mean?” Your voice was hoarse but still fairly stable. “How long have you had it? Don’t play dumb Y/n, I know exactly what this is.” You gulped and tore your gaze away staring at your hands. “A little over a week..” He sighed and crouched down in front of you, examining the scattered flower on the floor. “Who is it?” His features were gentle as he asked. “I don’t want to say..” you began to fiddle with the hem of your shirt, avoiding eye contact. 

 “Now isn’t the time for you to play coy, this is serious..i’m not gonna make fun of you ...unless it's Hyunjin.” He added just trying to lighten the mood (although failing).  “I said I don't want to tell you. Just leave it alone and I'll figure it out how to fix this myself.” You spat as you stood up, Chan followed suit and sighed. “If you don’t tell me I can't help you fix this! By the time you get this figured out on your own, you'll be a lost cause.”  He threw back, your brows furrowed at his remark “You really have that little faith in me?” You asked, voice small. “That’s not what I’m saying! You just have too big of a heart and you’ll brush this off as an inconvenience. So just tell me, so we can try to get whoever the fuck this is to see you and love you the way you love them.” Your head dropped forward, “He never will and I can never tell him” you rasped, with your head turned away from him. You couldn’t see the frustration that laced Chan’s face or the pain that had begun to take over after days of avoiding him. Seeing you in such a state, had him petrified but more so than that, was the terror he felt at the thought of losing you. Anger and frustration had reared its ugly head and he was trying his best not to let his emotions get the better of him. Why hadn’t you told him? Your sole confidant, your best friend, your family? and Why the fuck weren’t you being more serious about this!? These thoughts plagued his mind, until he could no longer focus, confusion, anger, pain and frustration clouding his judgment until he burst.

 “GOD FUCKING DAMMIT Y/N” Chan’s subconsciously clenched fist connected with the smooth surface of the white cabinet next to him “STOP BEING SO GODDAMN STUBBORN FOR ONCE! THIS IS SERIOUS. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE SERIOUS?” His voice boomed against the walls of the small bathroom, his chest heaving as he fought to control his emotions. The ringing in your ears amplified as you tried to ground yourself for the inevitable fight. You stumbled back and gulped, hands trembling in the aftermath of his wailing. In all the years of your friendship not once has Chan raised his voice like this, never has he ever called out your enigmatic personality, you had always been difficult to read for others but he never failed to read you like an open book, just another reason for the ever growing list of things you love about the man in front of you. His compassionate nature even in such a bleak moment causes your insides to flutter, petals peaking at the back of your throat forcing their way up. Doubling over in pain, you brought your trembling hand to your neck and massaged your throat as a fit of coughs attacked your lungs. Leaning over the toilet, you allowed the floral contents of your stomach empty itself, seemingly endless streams of grey petals falling from your lips as you heaved. “Y/N!” Chan yelled, momentarily forgetting his anger and striding over to help your pitiful form. “Y/N, Please..” He whispered, voice cracking slightly after catching sight of the blood riddled saliva that had gathered at the corners of your mouth. Taking great care to not set you off again, he brushed the fallen strands of baby hair from your forehead, caressing your face gently as tears began to stream from his eyes. “P-please..just tell me.” He pleaded, a tone of finality lacing his voice, as if to say it would be the last time he would ask..and so, as You looked back into the eyes of the man who meant far too much to you. You allowed your legs to give out, falling to the floor to prepare yourself for what could possibly be your demise. Bringing your knees to your chest, you held out your hand for him to take, and gently squeezed it, causing an all too familiar fluttering to claw at the back of your throat. Tears pricked at the corner of your eyes once more, whether it was from the petals inside or the weight of what it was you were about to do, you didn’t know.

“I-..” fighting the urge to cough, you squeezed his hand tighter and made eye contact, instantly melting into the warm chocolate pools that brought you safety. “I didn’t want to tell them, b-because It's you.” Your voice was unstable and wavered, your bottom lip quivered as you fought off another coughing fit. “Fuck Christopher, it’s always been you.” Unable to suppress it any longer, you let out a cough, three petals falling from behind the cover of your hand and fluttering to the floor. His eyes followed them, almost in a state of disbelief, and then back up at you, those beautiful brown eyes glossed over with tears that you knew you had caused, there was no turning back. “P-please just hear me out.” You pleaded, afraid that you were going to scare away the fragile man before you. “From the moment you looked at me with those stupidly warm brown eyes that I swear hold galaxies-” Chan smiled tiredly, recognizing your joking demeanor poking through. “and flashed me that damned smile that felt like home, I tried so hard to stop these feelings from growing. I wanted them to stop so bad-” Another cough slipped past your lips, more petals falling as the unshed tears began to make their way down your face. “I wanted to just be with you, to be your best friend.” A sob escaped you, and so did more petals as you forged on with the words you had withheld in your heart for years. “Y-You’re just so unapologetically you. You’re so gentle and caring, you wear your heart on your sleeve and you’ve always t-taken care of m-me from the first day to now, even though I was being difficult and confusing. You still helped me!” It was then that you had become a sobbing, stuttering mess, the words and petals fighting against each other, waging a war within your throat.

 ”Y-You’re just p-perfect and I can’t s-stop l-loving you even though I-I s-should and that’s w-why I couldn't tell you because I-I knew you’d never feel the same way.” You coughed once more, the remaining petals falling from your mouth as you sobbed into your open hand, heaving and gasping for air on the floor. The two of you sat in tense silence, interrupted only by your sobbing, waiting only for a moment for your confession to fully settle, the weight of your words crashing over the both of you. Letting go of his hand, you sniffled and wrapped your arms around yourself, clearing your throat before looking back to him “You should leave.” You said, voice cold. Chan outstretched his arm, reaching for your face. “Y/n please we ca-” You cut him off by shoving his hand away from you. “I said Leave Chris.” The tone of your voice telling him you were serious, his head fell forward as a sigh escaped him. “I’m sorry.” with his final words he stood up and left, leaving you to suffer on the cold linoleum floor that you had become all too comfortable with over the past few days.

It had officially been an entire week since you last spoke to Chan. He had distanced himself from you thinking it was for the best. Despite his efforts, your petals were still rapidly darkening, the ones you coughed up were no longer white, instead, they were peppered with petals colored a dark graphite. His absence was felt immensely. You missed Chan, however, every moment of your free time was dedicated to finding a solution. You spent hours upon hours researching and binge watching videos, trying (read: hoping) to find some way to reverse the disease that plagued your life. 

Focusing was nearly impossible when all that was cycling through your head were the last words you and Chan shared. You not only had to deal with Hanahaki, but the strained relationship between you and your best friend and the  emotional toll it was taking on you was starting to become apparent. Your main source of comfort came in the form of Hyunjin. He would join you intermittently to keep you company and try to console you; He knew how hard it was for you to feel like you were losing your other half. The constant presence in your life was greatly appreciated, it was like a rock that kept you anchored to the ground. His endless patience, confidence and constant reassurance were the only things keeping you together some days, especially on the days you felt like giving up. Hyunjin had grown to be one of your favorite people in such a short time, You knew that if you survived this, (you could already hear Hyunjin’s voice saying “It's not a matter of “if ” it’s when!”) you could never repay him for his help and even if you tried he’d refuse it, stating only that it was what friends did for one another. You would try your hardest to pull through, which was why you were currently knee deep in an article on a sketchy website that talked about different teas you could drink to temporarily halt the process. 

When suddenly, your door flew open hitting the drywall with a dull thud as Chan stormed into the room, his face unreadable. There was no greeting, no asking how you were, and you hardly had time to react to his intrusion before the first words you had heard from him in over a week left his lips..“Get the surgery.” It threw you completely off guard, it felt more like he had punched you in the gut, and for a moment you swore all the air had left your lungs. You jumped to your feet, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and hurt. “What the fu-? No! Chan I'm not getting the surgery, there’s no way in hell I'm going to voluntarily forget you!” You choked out, turning away from him to mask the pained look you were sure had crossed your face. A moment of silence settled between you before he let out a frustrated sigh, running his fingers through his already distressed hair.

 You heard his feet pad across the living room floor, stopping just shy of where you knew the couch was placed. His voice was soft when he spoke, almost pleading, “Y/n, i'm not going to sit here and watch you destroy yourself because of me.” You shook your head slightly, shoulders curling farther in as if trying to block his words out. “ Y/n, please, get the surgery. Forget about me, it’s what's best for the both of us.” You clenched your fists, teeth gritting from trying to hold your tongue. Although, you couldn’t help but let a scoff slip past your lips, your stomach churning in pain from the flips it was doing being in such close proximity. “How dare you, Chan.” You managed to spit out. “I never took you for the “Best for us” type.” you spoke, pain lacing your venomous tone. Chan took another step forward, his hand habitually reaching out to comfort you. “Y/n that's not what I-” Turning back around, you brushed his hand away from your shoulder before looking back at him. The tears streaming down your face momentarily stunning him. Rolling your shoulders back, you wiped your eyes before speaking once more. “Best for us Chan? Are you sure? Or is that what’s best for you and your well being? Because what’s best for me is letting this run its course, if you have to be the death of me then so be it.” You said, voice unwavering as you took one step closer to him. He looked away, his eyes slightly watering from how quickly you saw through him. “Look, I get it. You’re worried and you’re entitled to your opinion, but what you don’t get to do is barge in here after a week of avoiding me and tell me what you believe is best for me. You don’t get to take thinly veiled “damage control” and disguise it as “Tough Love”, That’s not you Chris and I won’t let it be either! ” You yelled. 

The room was silent and still, neither of you could look at each other. Your heart was at its breaking point, you were losing everything at a speed faster than light, and all semblance of control was slipping right through your fingers. Your friendship was crumbling right before your eyes and all you could do was watch. Finally, Chan broke the tense air. “You know what y/n? You’re right, It is best for me.” You bit your lip, holding back tears of grief. “I-I just can’t find it in myself to love you the way you need me to. I’m sorry but you could never be anything more than a friend to me.” You clenched your jaw, the whimpers effectively dying in your throat. Chan let out another frustrated sigh before continuing, “I don’t even know what to say to you anymore, knowing how you feel about us makes things weird and tense. I mean, I can’t even be around you without you losing a lung and I especially can't stand that it’s my fault!” His voice trailed off at the end of his sentence, the resolve and gusto he had arrived with slowly leaving his body as he spoke his harshest words yet. Convinced that this was the only way, he grabbed your shoulders and made sure to make eye contact with you before speaking again. “So get the surgery, forget me and I’ll make sure to forget you too.” He said quietly, his voice breaking slightly at the sight of the tears streaming down your face. 

He wanted nothing more than to hug you, to fix everything and be what you needed but he couldn’t, and he wouldn’t force himself either; It wouldn’t be fair to either of you. You closed your eyes and let out a short shaky breath. “F-fine Chris. If that’s what you really want then I’ll do it.” swallowing down the lump of petals that sat in your throat, you shook yourself from his grasp. Without another word you left, brushing the boy's shoulder as you walked past him. What you didn’t know was as soon as you shut the door the boy fell to his knees and began to weep. His body shaking from the force of his wails, of course he didn’t want you to forget him, a fate that cruel he didn’t even want to imagine, but that was his reality now. The only thing he was certain of at this point in his life was that watching you walk away would be better than having to watch them lower your casket. 

Navigating through the dark streets with blurry eyes was hard enough but alas, life loved to fuck with you. Soon after you left the apartment, a light drizzle had begun and rapidly turned into a full storm, accompanied with high winds and thunder.  Which led you to where you were now,  standing in front of an apartment door with no phone, no keys and no wallet. You didn’t think to grab anything before you left and now your only option was to go to Hyunjins since his place was fairly close to yours. Now completely drenched from head to toe, you were standing at the door of Hyunjins apartment. You raised your fist and knocked weakly waiting for a few moments before dropping your head against the door. It was taking everything in you not to fall to the ground and release every pent up emotion you had been keeping in. Although, apparently your head made a loud enough noise for Hyunjin to hear it, because you could feel the door begin to open. You quickly stood up expecting to see your lanky friend standing in the doorway but instead you had found Kim Seungmin, his hair was slightly ruffled and his shirt was on backwards. It took a second before realization hit “Oh shit, i’m so sorry..I didn’t mean to interrupt.” The younger boy rubbed the back of his neck with a shy smile. “No you’re fine!! I promise. Sheesh you’re soaked, come inside. I’ll have Jinnie go get you some towels.” You heard a muffled voice from the back of the apartment scream “ALREADY ON IT!” Moments later Hyunjin appeared with towels and a dry change of clothes for you. You thanked him before going to the restroom and changing. Taking a minute you stared at your reflection. Your eyes had begun to sink in, your lips were chapped and your skin was pale. You were merely a shell of a person at this point. Chewing on the peeled skin of your lower lip you hung up the wet towel and made your way to the living room. The two boys were sitting on the couch, enough space in between them for you to sit and a steaming cup of what looked like tea.

Hyunjin patted the cushion next to him and smiled. “Come sit, what brings you here at this hour?” You silently sat down and stared at the steam escaping the mug on the table. “Why do you look like the embodiment of death?” Seungmin joked, Hyunjin reached behind you and shoved him. “Not a good time to joke about that.” A small smile graced your lips. “It’s okay he doesn't know..” Seungmin pursed his lips in confusion “What don’t I know?” Hyunjin laid a hand on your back and gave you a sympathetic look. “Do you want me to tell him or?” You nodded your head, afraid that if you spoke anymore your voice would give way. “(y/n) is sick...and it’s not the kind of sick you can just spread or catch. It's a disease and unless she gets a certain surgery well it’s...it’s terminal.” You buried your face into your hands, hiding the tears prickling at your eyes.

 You completely zoned out of the rest of their conversation, not wanting to hear it. Only snapping back when you felt a warm embrace surrounding you. You peaked through your fingers to find Seungmin hugging you. “I'm so sorry (y/n)” You rested a hand on his arm and lightly patted it “It’s okay Seungmin.” You dropped your hand and clasped it together with your other. “Chan came over earlier...He was so..so angry. He told me to get the surgery.” Both Hyunjin and Seungmin looked at each other, their faces twisted in disbelief. You gulped before continuing, both boys patiently waiting for your next words. “He said it’s what’s best. He can’t stand seeing me kill myself over him b-but,” You voice cracked the sound alone was enough to cause water to gather in your friend’s lashes “I-I don’t want to forget.” You whispered, your body trembled as you finally allowed yourself a moment to process the complex emotions that had gathered over the last week.

 Seungmin gently gripped your shoulder and pulled your shaking body towards himself. You clutched onto his shirt  for dear life, your sobs overtaking the silence. Neither of them had ever seen you so fragile before, Hyunjin’s jaw clenched and unclenched as he sat quietly, staring at your vulnerable form. Marveling at how fragile you had become in such a short amount of time. He was in a tricky spot, he loved you and Chan like family, but hearing the way things had turned out..he just couldn’t see past how poorly Chan had dealt with matters concerning your heart. He couldn’t understand how to help you both, and it frustrated him to no end..it broke his heart too. Swallowing down his feelings, he steeled his resolve, he had no business crying when you needed him to be strong. “I know it’s not what you want to hear but we think surgery is the best option too. Though we don’t want to force our opinion onto you, ultimately it's your life and your decision.” Hyunjin spoke softly, his hand still on your back only now rubbing small circles into it. “We don’t want to see you this way either honey. Yes Chan is very important to you I get that but...throwing away your life for him, like this. All he wants you to live and thrive. Did he execute those feelings properly? No and even though he won't be a part of your life anymore you know all he wants is for you to be happy and succeed.” Your sobs became quiet hiccups as your body was running out of tears to shed “I know.” you whispered softly. “So how about you stay here for the night and I'll call a specialist tomorrow and see if we can get you in for a consultation? At least talk to them and then you can decide what you want to do.” You nodded in agreement, Seungmin slowly retracted his arms and grabbed the mug that had been sitting on the table. “This should be cool enough now, drink it up and get some rest okay? You can take Jinnies bed and we’ll sleep in the guest room, his bed is way more comfy.” you sipped the tea and let out a deep breath “Thank you guys…” you said, bringing the tea cup to your lips.  “No need to thank us. We’re your best friends too, don’t forget it!” Seungmin chirped. “We’ll always be here for you!” After finishing your tea you slipped away into Hyunjins room and covered yourself completely in his soft blankets. It took a while but you eventually fell into a somber sleep.

The next morning you woke to the smell of pancakes filling the air. Groaning in discomfort you stretched out your limbs and let out a massive yawn. Sitting up you stared at the crumpled sheets around your lower body. It had been a little while since any flowers had erupted from your body, you couldn’t help but feel hopeful that maybe this curse was reversing and you would be free to revel in your unrequited love in peace but you knew that was too good to be true. There was a knock on the door breaking you from your thoughts. “Hey (y/n)” Hyunjins voice spoke through the wood. “We made breakfast and I called about a consultation. They said we could come in later today and he would take a look, see how far it’s progressed and all.”

“Yeah, okay...after we eat i’ll run home and clean up.” After taking a few more minutes to collect yourself you made your way into the dining room to be met with a full plate of breakfast bread and sticky sauce. Breakfast was silent but it was nice and comforting. After eating Seungmin decided he would stay and clean up while Hyunjin drove you home, he sat on the couch patiently while you got ready for one of the biggest decisions of your life. 

The sterile setting of the hospital sent your nerves into overdrive. Flashbacks of your rough night bombarded your mind, your breathing growing shallow as your hand flew to your chest and clutched onto your shirt. “Fuck Jin, it hurts so bad…” You whimpered, your voice trembling as you stumbled over your feet. Hyjunjin reached out, gently wrapping an arm around your shoulders to stabilize you and sighed. “I know but it’ll all be over soon, I promise.” He said softly, as he led you to the empty waiting room chairs. You were thankful for the desolate area, your fragile state desperately needed the silence. “It’s just a consultation love, you’re going to be okay! I'll be here for every step.” He cooed, softly patting your back. Nodding your head in silence, rolled your shoulders and took a deep breath, willing yourself to relax. “It’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay.” You kept repeating to yourself.

 A few minutes later, a young man walked through the door. His head downcasted as his body rushed past both of you and towards the exit. You watched him go before a nurse in blue scrubs with a clipboard in hand caught your attention. She stopped in the door frame, flipping the page up. She looked up with a bright smile, “Y/n Y/Ln, the Doctor will see you now.” Nodding your head, you stood up and made your way to the door. Hyunjin lingered in the waiting room, hands in his pockets as he watched you walk over. Stopping you turned around, “Will you come with me?” You asked softly. “Of course.” He said, walking up to you. The nurse nodded her head and ushered you both into the back room. “Here,” she said, handing you a blue garment. “Disrobe, the Doctor will be here shortly. He’s going to ask a few routine questions concerning your condition and after that, he’ll begin the exam to confirm your diagnosis. Okay?” She asked with a comforting smile, waiting for your response. “Okay, Thank you.” You replied and with that, she left you to your own devices.

Five minutes later, there was a heavy knock at the door, “Are you decent.” The deep voice asked. “Yes.” Hyunjin called out for you. The door opened to reveal a tall man with a heart shaped smile, his curly brown locks draping nicely over his defined face, scribbling something down on his clipboard.. ‘God, did everyone have good looks and a blinding smile here, you thought offhandedly’  He looked up from his clipboard, reaching his hand out to shake both yours and Hyunjin’s. “Hello Ms.L/N, I’m Jung Hoseok. I will be your attending physician for the remainder of this process. I have been practicing and learning about this disease for a little over 8 years. Rest assured, you are in good hands.” He gave you a comforting smile, the tension in your shoulders you hadn’t realized was there slowly left your body. 

He continued speaking, “If at any point you would like me to stop or you would like to withdraw from the surgery, you are more than welcome to do so. We only ask that you give us a notice 24 hours prior to your scheduled date.” You both nodded in unison, you tried your hardest to focus on what he was saying, but remaining engaged was proving to be almost impossible for you. “Now that the formalities are out of the way, lets see what we’re working with.” He mumbled while putting on gloves. Everything felt slow and the world to you seemed dull and colorless. You were..numb. You could barely even focus on the doctor's words while he pressed on your stomach with the acoustocam, all sound around you was drowning into a hollow ring. Your mind couldn’t help but wander to Chan, how things were left off...You wanted to fix it, to see him but you knew you wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to him. Maybe you could call him? Furrowing your brows you quickly willed that though away. No, hearing his voice would make it worse and texting him seemed too insincere. What would you even say to him? How would you sum up ten years of friendship..how would you say goodbye for the last time? 

 “Chan This is the last time I'll ever be able to say anything to you. It’s pretty bittersweet huh? I always thought we would be in eachothers lives forever, I guess fate had other plans for us.

  Hyunjin nudged you, pulling you back into the present and looked at you expectantly. You blinked a few times, taking a minute to refocus before responding. “I’m sorry, what happened? I zoned out.” He softly sighed and placed a hand on top of yours. Dr.Jung offered you a sympathetic smile before he cleared his throat and spoke again. “Ms.(L/n) I know things are very difficult for you right now, but I need your full attention for the moment. As I was saying before, The procedure will not be easy. Because of how long you’ve allowed it to linger, it’s become a high risk surgery, however,  it can still be done. If you look here.” He moved the small medical device across your stomach, stopping just next to your liver and pointed to the small black and white screen. “You can see where the roots have begun to embed themselves into your organs. Now, I know that seems scary but that’s not what we’re worried about.” He tilts the control slightly and shows you a new part of your body. “If we look behind the mass, we can see your spine. The roots have started to climb up your vertebrae and have attached themselves to your neurological stems.” Placing the control down, he swiveled around to face you. “Essentially the plant is gaining its nutrients from sucking your memories and strong emotions into the roots, down to the plant base” He explained, you swallowed hard, the reality of the situation finally sinking in, your mortality was being presented to you on a black and white monitor.

 Suddenly his voice turned serious, “Ms.(L/n), I need you to know the full extent of the removal risks. This ranges anywhere from permanent paralysis, brain damage to amnesia or in the worst case scenario, death.” He allowed the severity of his words to sink in before he continued. “Had you come in sooner for removal the roots wouldn’t have been so intertwined with you. The survival rate at this point of growth is about fifty four percent. The point of the warning is not to discourage you from getting the surgery. However, I like for my patients to be thoroughly informed about what they are getting themselves into.” He said gently as he wiped the cold gel from your abdomen with a napkin and stood up to throw away his gloves. “If you’re wanting this done it’ll need to be soon, I have an opening for the day after tomorrow if you still want to go through with it. I can’t say I would blame you if you chose not to, we’ve had a couple patients decide that it was the better choice for them.” You stared up at the fluorescent lights, watching them flicker as you weighed the options once more. “Schedule me for it. I want it gone.” 

By the time you read this I assume I'll have already had the surgery. It’s sad to think that someone I knew so well will become a distant stranger. I won’t lie. I was hoping you would show up so we could reconcile and say our final farewells in person but I don’t think I would be able to handle it if we did anyway even though I hate that we’re leaving things off on such bad terms. 

Dr.Jung nodded as he rolled his stool over to his desk and picked up his tablet, after tapping a few things he looked back to you. “Alright, I have you scheduled two days from now. We’ll just need you to fill out some paperwork first, my nurse will come in and finalize the dates, finish up the paperwork and answer any questions you have left. We’re also giving you a packet detailing how to prepare your body for the surgery, such as no eating 12 hours prior, plenty of rest, etc. There will be two packets, you’ll have one for the surgery aftercare as well.” He nodded his head, waiting for your acknowledgment. You sat up, pulling your robe closed and let out a small puff of air. “Thank you for all your help Dr.Jung, I leave it in your experienced hands.” He flashed his dazzling smile as he took your waiting hand and shook it. “I promise Ms. L/n,  this surgery is the best of the two options.” You stopped shaking his hand and for the first time since your visit, you looked him in the yes. “I sure hope it is.” You whispered softly. His smile faltered slightly, taken aback by your desolate look. Schooling his features once more, he nodded to Hyunjin and took his leave. A nurse came in dropping off the papers, “Once you've changed, I can speak to you by the nurses station.” She said, while walking out of the door and shutting it behind her.

It was just you and Hyunjin in the small off white doctor's office, the silence palpable. “(Y/n)..” He spoke softly, like if his voice was any louder you would break. “Don’t.” You said quickly, voice empty. “Please just.. don’t say anything Hyunjin. I know i was so adamant about not doing this.” You said, your shoulders curling in as you slid off of the table. “I just want to make sure it’s what you really want.” He said, moving towards your fragile frame. “What I want is to be here and to be able to see my best friends smile and to eat junk food while singing beyonce at the top of our lungs at 3 in the morning. I want to go back to the time when i didn’t have this fucking garden blooming inside me and I could suffer in love like every normal person does but we don’t all get what we want do we?” You spat bitterly, tears forming in the corner of your eyes as he hugged you. “So I'll suck it up and make the adult decision and get this thing removed and start over. I’m gonna spend the rest of today and tomorrow planning what the hell i'm gonna do after this and where i’m gonna go because i’m not staying here.” The boy didn’t say anything else, he just let go of you and sat silently while you filled the rest of the paperwork. 

I wanted to start off with a thank you, for everything you’ve done for me. You constantly picked up my broken pieces without any complaint. I wish I could repay you for everything you’ve done for me. You always made me feel like I was worth something, like I had a real purpose in this world, you helped me flourish and I hope even with this surgery the lessons you taught me will still remain.

Once you had finished Hyunjin had taken you home telling you he would pick you up for your surgery in two days. Once you had entered your apartment, the day's events had caught up to you. Saying you were exhausted would be an understatement. The physical and mental toll you’ve taken in the past month has been enough for a lifetime. You decided to just crawl into bed and let yourself revel in your feelings and let the emotions overtake you. You thought about your first time meeting Chan, all the amazing times you spent together and the fact you were about to lose that or even more so your life.

You’re really a force to be reckoned with, a one in a million person. i know you said you wanted to forget me too but i want to reminisce one last time. We’ve made such incredible memories together. I feel like it’s a disservice not to think about them, like when we were on facetime and i had just sat down and spilled the entirety of my instant ramen on my bed and still to this day cannot get the stain out. Our late night car jam sessions where we drove to nowhere and just simply enjoyed each other's company. The time we made pizza rolls and sat on the kitchen floor and you somehow poured ranch over your hand and the smell stayed for two days, going to playgrounds at midnight to sit on the swings and talk about what was on our minds. Those are things I've always held so close to my heart. Maybe this will help you realize why it was so hard for me to agree to the surgery.

 The fact that you might die was a terrifying thought in itself, but the scariest thought was that, You had always assumed you and Chan would be in each other's lives forever. Now here you were, planning an entirely new life without one of the most important people you knew. What had the world come to? You took a deep inhale and then another, and soon...you were weeping. Who were you without your best friend by your side? Who were you going to be when it came time to leave Hyunjin and Seungmin behind? All of those thoughts had jumbled up in your head and weighed you down. You felt like Atlas, the weight of the world on your shoulders and yours alone. 

There are so many things I don't want to forget. I think i’ve always loved you deep down inside, it took me so long to realize but you were encrusted in every part of my mind. Every moment, every smile, every single second spent in your presence were the happiest moments of my life. Thank you for sharing them with me, trusting you with my heart is something I'll never regret. Thank you for loving me even if it was only a little bit.

You cried as hard as you could, to the point where our head hurt and your face was red. You cried until there were no more tears, because you knew that this would be your only real chance to do so. After about an hour-long crying session, your heavy body was begging for some sort of relief. You pulled yourself up and made your way into the kitchen, grabbing a quick snack and some water before heading to your bedroom. You sat down at your desk, the plush computer chair offering you a place to relax yourself. You pulled open the drawer, starting at its contents for a second, as if you were contemplating your decision. Picking up the notebook that was in there, you pulled out your pen and sighed heavily. It was time to start planning for the next step in your life.

 I hope you keep pursuing your dream. I know music has always been your biggest passion but please remember to take care of yourself, okay? I won’t be here to remind you when you need to eat or sleep. I won’t be constantly nagging you to take breaks. Just...stay healthy and happy for me. Keep spreading the positivity that flows through your veins and helping others see that they are worthy of happiness and love too. 

Two hours had passed in the blink of an eye. You had written down everything you could think of. Everything you needed to remember that didn’t involve Chan just in case something went wrong and things you needed to do as soon as it was over. After all, you could never be too sure. You also found that you had enough money in your savings to put a down payment on a new apartment a few towns over. After everything was said and done, you were finally ready to put together your last letter to Chan. You had so many things to say to him but you couldn’t bring yourself to put it all on paper. After an hour of erasing, crumpling up tears stained papers, brushing stray petals that fell from your lips to the floor and scribbling down words you finally had it complete. Your last goodbye to your best friend. You carefully folded it up, placed it in an envelope, sealed it and wrote down his address.

I want to say i’ll miss you but i know that i won’t due to the unfortunate circumstances. I also wanted to apologize. I’m sorry I fell in love with you but as humans it’s not something we can stop, I'm sorry I ruined things between us and caused such pain for you.

Laying back in your chair you took a deep breath. “Let’s get this shit over with.” Something inside of you must have been tired of being so broken, so lost and vulnerable because after you dropped the letter at the post office you were on a non stop move to get your life back together.

It was weird..you felt sad not just for Chan, but for the fact that once this was all over, you would never remember how you felt during this time in your life. It will seem like one hazy memory somewhere in the back of your mind and somehow, that thought just didn’t sit right with you. “How many other people have felt like this?” You thought to yourself. You had bought a couple plastic bins and some boxes before returning home and began to pack your belongings. Somewhere along the way, Hyunjin had stopped by, his calming presence always welcomed. You both talked as you helped you pack up box after box. “So how were you able to afford the new place?” He asked curiously. You smirked, “Well I already had quite a bit of savings in my bank, mainly from working at the shelter but I also had some side gigs from time to time.” Hyunjin nodded, content with the answer. You turned to wrap a picture frame in an old newspaper before speaking again, back still turned. “Well that, and I recently invested in Blockbuster, you won’t have to worry about me anymore jinnie, Now we just have to wait for the money to start rolling in.” You said carefree, as you placed the frame into the box on the floor. There were a few seconds of silence before Hyunjin realized what you had just said. “B-blockbuster?” He stuttered out, sticking his finger in his ear to clean it out and make sure he heard you right. “Yup!, The guy who sells DVDs from a box outside of the chinese restaurant on  Sundays said we’re set for life!” He sat down at the edge of the couch, taking a deep, much needed breath. “Y/n..oh buddy..have I got news for you.” He said sympathetically patting the spot next to him.        

After a few hours of explaining the demise of Blockbuster and not trusting guys who sell you the Bee movie for a discounted rate, Hyunjin took his leave from your apartment. There was little to nothing left, all the walls were barren and the only thing remaining in the apartment was your furniture. While packing the last of your belongings you couldn’t help but keep wondering how many others had been in this position, How many had forgotten a chunk of their lives, living with a gap in their memories from falling in love with the wrong person? ..How many had chosen to die in silence? You sat at the edge of your bed, your fingers working tirelessly at the keyboard that sat on your lap, the laptop screen glowing brightly. You sat there and documented every single moment, every emotion, every decision, every memory, from the time when you first met, until you fell in love to when you finally realized your feelings and decided to move forward. You documented your doctor’s visit, your hardships in trying to find out what was killing you, almost giving up and what it took for you to decide to live on. All the little things you didn’t ever want to forget you wrote down  in explicit detail and when you were done, you had a masterpiece. All the things this version of you held dear were sitting on the screen in front of you. You hoped someone else out there would find solace in your words, that maybe Hanahaki would be more talked about, and more Doctors like Jung Hoseok who dedicated themselves to saving the lives of those who had given up, would be recognized for their tireless work and research. You could only think this as you sent out almost a dozen emails to Magazine editors and newspapers in hopes that the freelance story would be picked up. With that, you shut your laptop screen and fall back onto your bed, sleep overtaking your body in minutes.  

You woke up not so bright and early, stomach growling loudly as you hadn’t eaten in the past twelve hours, it was a “pre surgery requirement.” You rolled away from the comfort of your bed and sluggishly made your way to the bathroom to shower. You turned the water on a little too hot and sat on the floor of the tub, letting the water cascade down you as you reveled in your thoughts. Today was really the day you would lose such a huge portion of your life, it was scary no doubt but you had finally accepted it and you were ready. After what you could only describe as an eternity, you finally gathered the courage to get out of the shower and finish getting yourself ready. Hyunjin and Seungmin showed up, only minutes after you had completed your morning routine. Their faces trained to look bright and chipper despite the circumstances. “Good morning Sunshine.” Hyunjin giggled at your tired form as he gave you a light hug. “Morning” you mumbled out, after he pulled away you were yanked into another hug. “Hi Seung.” You mumbled into the shoulder of the man that held you captive. He gave you a small squeeze before stepping back  “You ready for today?” He asked cautiously, as if he were afraid to rile you up. “Yeah..yeah I am. Let’s go.” You said quietly, gathering your belongings before walking out of the apartment. The ride to the hospital was full of laughs and obnoxiously loud singing. It was nice, it had a sense of normalcy to it, which you were grateful for as you hadn’t had a normal day in a while. From the moment you stepped out of the car everything passed in a blur. It seemed like it was only seconds before you were laying in a bed with a gown on, barely conscious. You locked eyes with Hyunjin who sent you a smile and grabbed your hand. “We’ll see you on the other side, yeah?” You nodded once before your eyes rolled back and you were out.  

Maybe in this life we weren’t meant to be but i can always hope for the next, right? I’ll make a wish on the stars to meet you in our next life and bring you the same feeling of home you brought to me. 

What seemed like the blink of an eye for you, was an excruciating four hours for the boys in the waiting room. Your surgery had been a complete success and they were just waiting for your anesthesia to wear off. By this time Chan had gotten your letter, his eyes scanning over it a million times over feeling a wave of nausea hit him as he realized how much he fucked up.

Despite the pain, I think our story was beautiful for what it was.

I love you dearly Christopher Bang.

Goodbye.” 

Chan tossed the letter onto his coffee table before rushing out the door, he wanted to fix it, he wanted to hold you one last time and to bring a smile to your face.Why did he listen when you said to leave? Why hadn’t he visited you one last time? He kicked himself in the ass as he prayed to anyone who would listen that he wasn’t too late, but there was something in the back of his head that told him he was.. 

You on the other hand had woken up dazed and confused. “What goes on?” You rasped, your eyes darting all around the room trying to take in your surroundings. Your throat was incredibly dry causing you to let out a small cough, your body tensing as it subconsciously braced for the petals that never came. In no time there were two smiling faces by your side. One with a styrofoam cup that had a bendy straw poking at your lips and the other with a giant teddy bear and a balloon. “Welcome to the world of the living (y/n)!” It was Seungmin, you chuckled at him as he shook the bear a little. “This is water I promise, drink up” The straw poked at your lips again as he tried to force it into your mouth. You could only roll your eyes as you parted your chapped lips and took a giant sip of water letting out a satisfied sigh.

Dr.Jung entered the room with a soft knock, surprised to see you awake, a smile overtaking his confused features. “You woke up quick,” He said, amusement crossing his features at your sheepish smile. “It usually takes patients an hour minimum.” He offered up one of his dazzling smiles before moving to pick up the chart at the end of the bed and reading it.      “As you can see, the surgery was a success. We were able to remove the flowers and their roots without injury. Although, please keep in mind that you may feel some slight tingling and discomfort as the painkillers and anaesthesia wear off in the next few hours. Patients have also complained about the faint taste of dirt or grass. That should go away over the next few weeks as your body regulates itself. Right now, I’m just going to run a quick test on your vitals and if everything comes back clear, we’ll discharge you. You’ll have to be very careful and use a wheelchair for the next day or two until your body fully regains its strength. This surgery takes a lot out of patients but seeing how well you’re doing already, I’m assuming you’ll be back to full speed in no time.” The boys moved aside letting the handsome doctor take front and run his tests. It took maybe a total of thirty minutes before everything was said and done and you were sat in a wheelchair ready to leave.

The boys talked animatedly about what it was they wanted to eat. After Dr.Jung cleared you, he said you were okay to eat as soon as you left. You were all planning on catching a quick bite before heading to the house to rest, it had been well over 24 hours since you had eaten. You were a man starved. They began wheeling you to the front doors, Seungmin pushing you as Hyunjin opened the front door of the lobby. It wasn’t until your friends stopped talking and gasped mid sentence, that you looked to where they were staring. Turning your head, you saw the disheveled head of a blond boy. He stared at you with tears in his eyes, a look of pain and desperation displayed  across his handsome features. “(Y/n)” the blond boy stood in front of you muttered, he was out of breath and his hair was a mess. He was attractive no doubt but how did he know you? “Oh, did you need to use the door?” You asked meekly. He shook his head and repeated your name. “Who are you?” you asked, head tilted to the side in confusion. “I’m..too late?” He stated but it was more like a question. Seungmin wheeled you to the side, placing you behind him. Hyunjin moved to stand behind you and locked your wheels. “Chan, what are you doing here?” The younger boy asked, his hands were balled into fists confusing you further. You were completely lost, your mind still reeling from the anesthetics, your body still sore from surgery. The anonymous boy, Chan spoke again. “I came to fix things, I- I read the letter and I..I realized how blind I’ve been to how I feel, to how (y/n) feels..” Suddenly the boy was on the ground, laying on his side and holding his jaw, you had thought it was seungmin until you saw your raven haired friend standing over him. He had punched this random dude in the face only fueling your confusion further.  “HYUNJIN WHAT ARE YO-” He cut you off before you could finish, his voice laced with venom  “You mean how they felt.” He ran a hand through his hair and chuckled. “You pushed so hard for (Y/n) to get this surgery and now here you are trying to fuck it up?” He stepped closer using his foot to roll the boy onto his back. “You know you’re so fucking selfish Chan, so selfish. I never realized until now how much of a dick you were. You had your chance to change things but you blew it because of what? You were scared? HOW DO YOU THINK (Y/N) FELT HUH? WHEN SOMEONE THEY LOVED SO MUCH PUSHED THEM AWAY LIKE IT WAS NOTHING AND NOW YOU WANNA SIT HERE AND TELL ME YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH THEM TOO? I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO.” He seethed, the veins in his neck popping out in anger. “I’m so sick of this, I watched (y/n) pine over you for years, you strung them along like it was a fucking game and as soon as things get serious you just dipped out and left them out to dry. Some fucking best friend you are huh? I used to look up to you, you know? But after all this, I can’t even stand the sight of you.” You reached out and tugged on Sungmin's sleeve who was frozen in shock. “M-minni” Your eyes were full of unshed tears as you were completely overwhelmed.  “What’s going on?” Breaking him from his stupor, the boy turned around and coddled your fragile frame. “Hey hey calm down it’s okay, it’s nothing, he’s nothing. Let’s get you to the car, yeah?”  You wiped the few stray tears from your face and nodded. “Please, I don't want to be here anymore, i’m scared.” Seungmin nodded and pulled away before unlocking the brakes and wheeling you to Hyunjins car. You looked back for a moment to see the blonde man holding his jaw in tears, watching your face as you drove off, before storming away from the scene.

No one said anything, choosing to ignore what had just happened. You were all too happy to put the incident of the mystery boy behind you, his memory quickly fading as you pulled into the parking lot of your apartment complex. They unloaded you from the car and made their way to the door, both of them gushing about what they wanted to eat. Pulling you inside, Seungmin made a beeline for the kitchen, yanking open the drawer you had jokingly dubbed the “ take-out drawer” because of the takeout menus overflowing from it. Ordering from your favorite restaurant, you were told that the wait time was 30 minutes. Allowing the silence to settle around all three of you after the hectic day you all had, you pulled your phone out of your bag and switched it on. It immediately lit up with dozens of notifications. Missed calls and emails chiming out as you tried to gather what was going on. “What's wrong?” Hyunjin asked, voice deeply concerned as both boys leaned over your shoulders to read the messages. “Y/n..Did you send something out?” Seungmin asked in confusion. Every single notification was from some sort of editor, countless asking for the rights to publish your article in either a sectional or as a cover story for their magazine. “I-I mean yeah, I wrote about my experience with Hanahaki disease. I didn’t even expect anyone to pick it up.” You whispered in amazement. Your heart swelled with happiness and for the first time in what seemed like forever, you breathed a sigh of relief. The future didn’t seem so bleak anymore.   

(Five years later) 

It had been a little over five years since you moved to New York, you had made it quite big in the journalism industry and  at this point you were pretty much a household name in the western hemisphere. You lived comfortably, your life had changed so much after the surgery. You always think back to the person you were when you had written the story that started your career five years ago, you wondered if you knew it would take you this far. You rarely visited your home town, a little out of fear of regaining memories and partly because you just didn’t have the time. However, on a recent business trip to Amsterdam for a publishing deal when you got a thinly-veiled threatening phone call from your best friend and his new Fiance, you were left with no choice but to visit.  

You had taken an entire week off of work so you could fly back to your hometown.  Hyunjin and Seungmin were getting married in a few days and you, in Hyunjins words, HAD to be there since you were his best (man/woman). So far, your day had been filled with nothing but shopping. You had tasted all kinds of foods and cakes, as well as tried on what you assumed to be every available piece of clothing in the mall. If only for a moment, you wanted nothing more than a moment to breathe. So you told Jin that you had to get something from your hotel and you would be back. Although, you knew you wouldn’t be missed too much, because he had been elbow-deep in a conversation with the wedding planner concerning the creme color of napkins and tablecloths. You were only a 10 minute walk from your hotel, so you decided to forgo the vehicle. You could use the fresh air anyway. 5 minutes into your walk, you found yourself reminiscing, all the places you visited with your friends. The moments you had with them and the ever mysterious Chan, the man you had fallen in love with but couldn’t remember the face of for the life of you. Although, judging from the story, it didn’t seem like such a bad thing.

Eventually, you found yourself nearing a cafe, you smiled at the familiar scent. You still remembered it after all those years away, you and your friends used to frequently visit when you still lived there. After a light growl erupted from your stomach from the scent of the pastries, you decided that a cup of coffee and a good book in your hotel bed didn’t sound too bad. Stepping into the cozy cafe, you quickly ordered and paid, stepping off to the side to wait for your food. Looking around at the few people scattered throughout the cafe, you noted that not much had changed since your last visit. While looking around you couldn’t help but feel like someone was watching you. Turning your head slightly, your eyes instantly connected with a par that had already been fixated on you. The boy attached to them was attractive to say the least, his curly blonde laid on his forehead softly and his chocolate brown eyes were full of mystery and secrets. That almost made you want to know more but at the same time he felt...familiar. A pair of chunky headphones rested on his neck, a laptop with way too many external harddrives attached to it set in front of him. He looked stunned for some reason, his face visibly pale like he had seen a ghost. You couldn’t help but tilt your head and furrow your brows, something about him seemed all too familiar, neither of you making any move to stop staring. It was as if the world had stopped, both of you in a little bubble. You had no clue that the boy sitting in front of you was going through a painful turmoil. His brain was flooded with memories he had suppressed for quite some time, memories of a person he once knew. He turned away slightly to clear his throat a little or so he thought. The feeling of something stuck in his throat caused harsh, abrupt coughs to erupt from his throat. He felt something come to  the front of his tongue, reaching up he grasped it and stared in horror. A petal black as the night sky sat between his fingers, his eyes grew comically wide and his head was pounding. The memories of a person he once loved..but he never realized until he had lost them. The sound of your name being called stole both of your attention, moving to the barista you grabbed your drink and thanked her before turning to leave. A strong sense of sadness fell upon you as you walked away. Only remembering the same pain he must be feeling, you could only give a sympathetic smile before walking through the door. It was too late for him anyway.

[forevrsoonyoung]

Okay so hear me out

Angsty Soonhoon based on Habit. A VernonXReader based on Lean On Me

A Stray KidsXReader based on Never Ending Story.

Oh yes, they WILL be happening.