#still. entirely possible I'm simply wrong on how we learn to cope as we age

[uni-seahorse-572]

Internalization vs. Externalization & Keeper

this ended up longish, fair warning. I’m going to go ahead and tag everyone who expressed interest: @gay-otlc, @if-only-wishes-were-answered, @keepersofthelostbullhorn, @spellbound-fire, @simpbito

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In KOTLC, Keefe and Fitz represent a fascinating dichotomy also present in society as a whole. 

As an oversimplification, most people tend to either externalize or internalize their mental health issues and emotions. Those who tend to internalize repress it all, refusing to seek help, holding it together outwardly while also deteriorating inwardly. Those who tend to externalize lash out and hurt those around them. I’d like to emphasize that I’m not here addressing which one is “better” - they’re both simply ways to cope with difficult emotions and affect people in different ways. 

It’s easy to assign Fitz the externalized method of coping. The fandom may theorize that he has unaddressed issues from the pressure of his upbringing, but in canon, his emotions are completely externalized in times of major strife. 

Keefe seems a little more difficult at first. After all, his actions are so often drastic and negatively impact those around him, right?

What I’d like to argue is that this doesn’t matter. Part of internalization is the fact that it primarily focuses the hurt on the person who’s doing the internalizing. They lack any way to let their emotions out, and thus when their facade cracks others may see a glimpse of what they’re going through. Furthermore, internalization can lead emotions to boil over as they’re being repressed instead of dealt with, at which point they do harm those around the person in question. Sounds like Keefe. 

Here’s where society comes in: we glorify internalization over externalization. This connects to the whole “go in even if you’re sick” mentality that, well, kind of really backfired. (please note: when I say society, I am here discussing American society. I can’t speak for other cultures, though if anyone has more knowledge on how a different culture regards externalization vs. internalization I’d love to hear your thoughts). 

Among the mentally ill, the false perception that one must somehow prove their mental state to deserve help causes major issues. What this means is that people will attempt to internalize their problems until they can’t anymore, with the idea that what they’re going through is only “real” if they can no longer keep it hidden and someone else notices. This repression of feelings is legitimately dangerous. 

On the other hand, people who externalize are often blamed for any outbursts they may have. This occurs especially frequently if all it takes is something small to push them over, as they’re seen as overreacting even though it’s more related to having problems no one else can see than anything else. Emotions that are externalized are often treated as if there’s nothing deeper behind them.

Heroes in general who don’t care about their well-being are hailed. Sacrifice is hailed. Characters who are angry are demonized, and while anger is a major and damaging problem to many, when was the last time you saw a character who struggles with anger who wasn’t morally grey at best? How often do you see depictions of those who get angry, occasionally to the point where it’s controlling them, as just... people who aren’t perfect?

In all honesty, Shannon Messenger herself handled this pretty well. Fitz is often made to apologize in ways Keefe isn’t, but the narrative as a whole is pretty understanding of both of them. We can also see how Fitz’s externalization does lead to disastrous fury but also means that’s both released and obvious, instead of festering into a huge mistake like it does with Keefe. Grady is a good example of this as well, as someone who gets protectively angry and may go too far once in a while but still means well and is a good father and husband. This complex representation of anger isn’t all that common. 

But it’s the way that the fandom reacts to the two of them that’s revealing. 

Fitz receives an incredible amount of hatred for his anger. By many, it’s viewed as toxic towards those he cares about. Among many, the general consensus seems to be that he’s so privileged he needs to stop getting so angry because everything isn’t perfect and be quiet (allegedly because “Keefe has it worse”, yet so many things have happened to the Vackers that if Fitz internalized his emotions I believe the hatred wouldn’t be near as much of an issue). Depending on the site you go on, there’s a good amount of blatant bashing in fics and comments, largely centered on somehow both his anger and apparent perfection at once - would they view internalization of feelings a legitimate flaw that makes him complex and less than perfect?

Keefe, on the other hand, is embraced by most of the fandom. People talk about his trauma quite a bit from what I’ve seen, his quiet inner pain that he only lets Sophie see, that he tells her she shouldn’t have to deal with. Unlike with Fitz’s occasional bouts of anger, his penchant for running away, putting himself in danger, and his lying to Sophie isn’t, on the whole, seen as toxic. His internalization has led to a lack of self esteem and perceived worth that creates a selfless sacrificial streak too often hailed. 

Now, you may say, however, that not everyone has these opinions. But the truth is this often exists in a way that inadvertently reinforces society’s treatment of externalization and internalization. 

Those who dislike Keefe tend to focus on the ways he’s hurt others with his decisions. While this makes sense, as he doesn’t have to do much for forgiveness in the narrative, it also attempts to frame his emotional reactions as externalization. Fitz, on the other hand, is often depicted as someone who struggles with internalization, particularly when it comes to pressure. Just look on AO3 for proof - in all honesty I’m guilty of it. This interpretation of his character isn’t necessarily wrong, as it can allow authors to write what they relate to and addresses the issues Fitz must have in a way the narrative ignores, yet still focuses on internalization. 

We as a society are deeply uncomfortable with externalization. We don’t know how to discuss it. And we continue to glorify internalization.

At this time, I can’t say I have a good conclusion as to how we might try to counter this, though approaching both Fitz and Keefe from a more complex viewpoint would be a good place to start. Consider looking for this in both society and other fiction as well, perhaps. It’ll be interesting to see where Keeper itself goes going forward. 

[lollytea]

What if red string au but only witches “have” a red string.

Witches can see their own string, usually they’re long, so long it’s almost impossible seeing who could be attached to it on the other side.

Willow’s and Amity’s strings tho, they’re not that long, they can see the end of it just floating in the air with no one attached to it.

When they meet Luz and Hunter they can feel the string pull slightly, is if getting them closer to them for some reason.

I personally don't like soulmate/red string AUs for a bunch of reasons but I'm really interested in this AU you've presented here cuz the pairs in question don't even have the conventional red string setup. It's a really cool idea!!

(I know 'red string' is an inherently romantic trope but I like to believe that there are different colours for aro people. Platonic soulmates and the like.)

Because like. It would be so fitting for Amity and Willow's characters. Like Imagine it from their perspective. Everybody in the Boiling Isles has a string. Everybody has somebody out there. Except for those two. And its not even like its a fluke. They each have a red string but it's attached to nothing at all.

Like both girls would be led to believe that there's something deeply wrong with them, as the universe itself tried to locate a single person in the entire world who would be able to love them and failed. It would take a toll on their confidence for sure. Maybe the similarity is how they became friends in first place. Because at least they weren't entirely alone with their weird defect. So you can imagine how much that little comfort was completely destroyed once Amity’s parents split them apart.

It's really sad cuz like. We know Amity is a hopeless romantic. And she and Willow were known to read YA romance when they were little, so it's possible both of them hoped for a love of their own in the future. But now they believe that they just. Aren't good enough for it.

They both have different methods of coping. Willow believes it's because she's half a witch. She has accepted it as her unfortunate reality but has repressed how much it hurts too much to think about. She tries to remain upbeat but with the stress of school and the bullying and her lack of friends and her teachers' disappointment, it is just one of many problems that chips away at her self esteem.

While Amity believes, for the sake of preserving her self esteem, that she just has to justify her existence. If she were to take the Willow route and accept it, she would shut down completely. She needs to believe theres hope for her. So she convinces herself that she can fix this. If she just works herself to exhaustion, becomes top student, joins the Emperor's Coven, proves that she's actually a person worth loving, her string will finally latch on to somebody.

It's also quite interesting from Hunter's perspective. Not so much Luz cuz she knows she simply doesn't have one because she's human so it probably wouldnt bother her much. (Knowing what a romantic she is, she would probably sorta wish she did. If she even learns what red strings are. Maybe its a personal (somewhat intimate and embarrassing) topic so its literally never been mentioned to Luz so she remains oblivious.)

But Hunter? He was born and raised here. He also thinks he's a witch so he has no idea why he doesn't have a string. Like he's not really interested in all that stuff at this point but still. It's weird that he's the only person who doesn't have one, right? He's asked Belos about it when he was younger, only to be told "It is the will of the Titan." So Hunter is just like "oh..."

It reinforces his belief that his existence belongs entirely to the Titan and, by extension, Belos, making his desire to choose a life for himself much stronger. Of course, he never dares act on it and instead accepts his fate. Like Willow and Amity, Hunter has believed from a young age that there is nobody in the world who is destined to love him but he has a much easier time dealing with that than the girls. However, it is an isolating life he leads. I don't think he could recognize when he's lonely because he's never known anything different.

I like to believe that red strings have a hivemind network and can sense the personalities/compatibility potential of every single witch on the Boiling Isles. But when it comes to humans/grimwalkers? They're completely blind. They don't have jurisdiction to see through Luz and Hunter, yknow? So in order to work, Amity and Willow's strings need to rely solely on the subconscious feelings of their witches to pass judgement. It's a fun kind of irony because for every other witch, its the other way around.

So like. They don't start to pull when they first meet Luz and Hunter respectively. But maybe Amity feels the slightest tug when she and Luz have their little moment on the floor at the Covention. But it's so feeble that Amity doesn't quite know what happened so she just shrugs it off. But then the library incident happened, then Luz gave her that Azura book, then grom happened, and then and then and THEN

At this point Amity is straining against the pull of her own string.

But then Looking Glass Ruins happens and Amity compulsively kisses her cheek and a stunned Luz turns her eyes on her. Amity panics and makes to run back to her house but when she turns on her heel, something snags. She looks over her shoulder to find, with shock, horror and something else she doesn't have time to analyse right now, that her string has finally tied itself to someone. But the weird part is that Amity has no idea when it did that. However it is simply TOO MUCH right now so she still bolts in her door, leaving Luz to stare after her, slack-jawed.

This is when Luz learns what red strings are cuz there's now one attached to her and Eda has to tell her what the fuck it is. So now it is equally nerve wracking new territory for both Luz and Amity and they're both so afraid for it to snap. (Luz because of her insecurities, Amity because she's been wanting this her whole life and now she feels like it's the most fragile thing in the world.) It adds a whole other LAYER to Knockin on Hooty's Door.

But yada yada you know how it plays out from this point.

There isn't actually a lot to say about Huntlow in this case cuz Willow has not yet reached the Wing It Like Witches and onward!Amity era. Willow's string is not yet straining to the point its nearly knocking her off her feet. But like. It's definitely active.

Little tugs that she finds kinda weird but doesnt quite understand why its happening. When she sees Hunter flying for the first time. When they link hands while passing flags. It gives a real firm pull when he stands in front of the Entrails and Darius and then a while later when he saves Gus. So at this point Willow can't even deny that it's doing something and it has to do with Hunter, she's just not exactly sure what.

[boneheadduluc]

I'm in need of some Andrea smut every time I read something about him there is no sex because this was in the 30's and it would be inappropriate to do it before marriage. So...let's get inappropriate (?

no mommy kink please, i can't cope with that

Actually this was going to happen v/ soon in my fic of Andrea BUT I'll write a quick drabble/one shot for you bc same! we need that in our lives :) I'll be doing gender neutral reader for dis ;) Warnings!! 18+ , loss of virginity, perhaps slight edging? oral on reader (female presenting) and NO mommy kink per request :)

Rules were rules. Marry a nice man, then lose your virginity. You had been following those rules. Even now, you lived alone in a small cottage on a hill. And you still haven't lost it. You never felt inclined too really...and you were fine with that. It's just everyone in the village usually was a kid or a senior. No one was around your age, so you preferred a secluded kind of life. 

 Even if that meant following rules you didn't want to follow. You hated that you didn't have a choice. You hated how your parent's voice replayed in your head over and over. Telling you “wait! get married first!” You were sick of it, you were desperate sure, not desperate enough to lose it to whoever you met, but then...

 a new boy showed up, you learned his story since you were a bit close with Janet and Ursula, the old sisters who were housing the young man. So you met him, and god... he was just your type.

Plus they invited you over so he could play for you? meaning the violin. At first, you felt a little out of place... until he started playing. Needless to say, he was more than talented than you expected. You’d never heard anything like it, afterward, he wanted to talk to you surprisingly. 

“What is you name?” he tried his best to speak, you were told his English wasn't the best so you found it more endearing than anything and applauded his effort since he’d only been here for a few weeks. So you looked to him, sitting beside you with wide eyes and rosy cheeks. His hair was a bit shaggy as he shook the hair out of his eyes.

“Oh, my name is (y/n).” You gave a warm smile, shifting in your seat to face him more. “And you are Andrea, yes?” and he nodded before he repeated your name warmly, and honestly you loved the way it sounded in his mouth.

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Weeks passed, you visiting, Andrea playing for you, afterward, you would talk to Andrea, his English noticeably getting better. And sometimes he would even be a bit of a flirt. So one day you just asked the sisters if they would allow you to take him into town. You did your best to sound as friendly as possible and it seemingly worked.

You showed him a few of your favorite places, took him dancing to the pub. Though he wasn't a very good dancer, you had to kind of show him. Guiding his hands to land on your hips and pull you close, telling him to watch your feet as he got red because honestly he couldn't help but stare at your face. 

Then finally he asked to see your home. And you couldn't help be nervous, he had been making eyes at you all day, smirking like a cat with cunning eyes. Like he had so much more in that head of his, thoughts that he wasn't sharing. Plus he was already holding hands with you, keeping you close to him as he kept calling you ‘Liebling.’ And of course you didn't refuse him, not at all. So by the time, you were halfway up the path on the mountain and he slowly stopped walking, staring at you with a sweet smile. 

“Something the matter Andrea?” you questioned- confused as to why he had stopped. He moved slowly, stepping closer to you, leaning in, quickly pressing a kiss to your cheek. Then backing away, checking your eyes for permission. You nodded and Andrea knitted his brows together, exhaling through his nose as he slowly moved to press a kiss to your other cheek. Gently. Wonderfully. Then your forehead. The tip of your nose, then finally his mouth hovered over your own. Breath shaking with feverish anticipation.

You ached to lean in and finish what he started, but you wanted to see if Andrea would do it himself, and after about 5 nervous seconds you felt him roughly slot his lips against your own.

You were lost, blindly lost to pleasure and yearning. You barely realized the way you pulled him up the hill, mouths slotted together as you rushed backward, your back soon up against your door, your hands at his waistband, he moaned against your mouth.

And soon enough you were turned around and inside and he was walking backward as you led him to your bed. Pushing against his chest as he sat and you climbed his lap. Kissing him so harshly you felt your teeth clink against his own, embarrassed you pulled back, your hand coming to your lips. 

“I apologize, Andrea-” You were breathless, with shy eyes and flushed cheeks. 

He looked the same, though less embarrassed. More lustful than anything. 

“No, no-” He started softly. “You are wonderful.” He spoke slowly, catching your eyes as he brushed your hair out of your face with his thumbs. Putting a strand of hair behind your ear lovingly. 

“But...I need-” He started up again, and he groaned out, almost a whimper really, like he was in pain and that's when you felt something poke against your inner thigh, and then you understood. You ground forward and watched as his mouth fell open. Andreas eyebrows furrowing, his face growing red, a moan caught in his throat.

“Oh, you wonderful creature.” You mused. Almost amazed at the power you held over him. So you did it again and again until he was begging for you to let him cum. 

“Please...Please (y/n)-” He buried his face into your neck, his large hands on your waist, fingers digging in deeply, his shoulders going tense at your dry humping. 

A part of you was nervous honestly. You didn't know if Andrea was also a virgin, but judging by his closeness already ...you were gonna bet on the fact he was, but then again you didn't know what you were doing anyway. 

So instead, you simply stopped. And he stopped breathing. He was frozen actually, and you wondered why, a part of you wanted to laugh, he was curled up into you, unmoving, holding you. 

“Andrea?” you questioned and finally he moved, looking up at you, 

“I do something wrong?” he slowly drawled out, voice tiny and nervous and you shook your head. “No, of course not I just...have you ever done this before?” It was your turn to be tiny and nervous now, especially self-conscious. 

He gulped, Andrea understood. And he slowly shook his head ‘no’

“I'm sorry,” he whispered and it almost broke your heart. 

“Oh my love, no! You have nothing to be sorry for. I have never...done this... either. So it's okay Andrea. And...and honestly, we don't have to do anything if you don't want to.” You cupped his face, giving him a warm smile and he returned one. Slowly pressing a kiss to your lips. 

“I want you.” He whispered after breaking the kiss barely. 

And that was all you needed to push him back on the bed so he was laying down. You climbed atop him, undoing his pants slowly. He raised himself on his elbows, watching you, breathing heavy, eyes flickering back and forth between you and your hands. 

And suddenly he took your hand, putting it away from him. Softly and gently and lovingly.  “first you. Let me...help.” He muttered, looking to you for permission and so you switched roles and he was helping you undress from your light dress. 

And you were naked and self-conscious and nervous in front of him. 

But he was smiling, eyes running over your perfect form. You were perfect to him, everything about you, even the things you considered a flaw, he would reach out, brushing his fingertips lightly over them. He muttered how you were beautiful before reaching with both hands to your thighs. Parting them slowly, gently as all his movements were. 

He slowly moved off the bed, to his knees as he pulled you to the edge of the bed, your legs over his shoulder, his eyes on yours, looking up to you the entire time. Your hands gripped the blankets harshly and nervously. But you nodded at him and he leaned forward, delving his tongue over your entrance. And you moaned, the feeling making you throw your head back. 

And he did it again, though opening his mouth even wider, taking you into his mouth, his tongue lapping up your wetness. Moving up to run over your clit. And you shivered, sensitive all over. 

He realized that was the spot, so he did it once more and got the same reaction, actually an even bigger one. Your back was beginning to arch. Toes curling. 

And he kept eating you out- tongue sometimes delving into you, into your warmth and he would moan against your wetness and heat. Eyelashes fluttering and closing as you would spread your legs further, pushing your cunt against his mouth- thighs shaking and quivering as you felt a knot of heat in your lower stomach slowly coming closer and growing bigger. And finally you were gripping his hair, pulling as he whimpered against you. 

“Oh Andrea- Andrea Im so- Im going to-” You could barely get a full comprehensible sentence out before your thighs were convulsing around his head and your back arching and a loud moan was drawn out from deep within you moaning- screaming his name as a intense orgasm slapped you right across the face, and god- you were exhausted in all honesty. You even fell back on the bed, his tongue still on you though as if he couldn't get enough, nose sometimes even nudging up against your clit as he hungrily and greedily tasted everything in you. 

And as much as it was amazing soon you were becoming over sensitive and with each lick and moan of his against your pussy you were being shocked, body twitching and you pulled back, breathless, a mess for a lack of a better term. 

And you began to chuckle as well as he rose up now, smirking at you, his lips and chin, all slick with your wetness and his own spit. And you grinned right back at him, and pulled him down to meet your mouth as you kissed him, without a care in the world. It was almost satisfying to taste yourself on Andreas tongue. 

But finally you broke the kiss, cupping his face as you knew what came next. “Your turn my love.” You muttered. Sitting up now as you went for his belt, undoing it slowly, hoping he wouldn't stop you again. Though it was worth it last time. But he allowed you to- Andrea even began unbuttoning his shirt. Throwing it to the floor along with your dress, as you followed up with taking off his belt and pulling the pants away- his cock finally free and hard. Fully upright, beads of pre-cum forming at his reddened tip. He was so desperate, it was clear in his expression. Mouth slightly agape as he watched you. 

You thought for a moment, wondering on what you should do now. On what position and honestly how all of this was gonna go. A part of you was scared as you shuffled back on the bed, and patted the space beside you, signaling him to come be by you, but first he began shuffling out of his shoes, then along with his pants until he was fully naked. The look on his face signaling he didn't want you to feel self conscious with him being half clothed, so he decided he too would be fully undressed for this.  He moved beside you now, huffing out a short breath, nervous. It was clear so you pulled him close, kissing his jawline softly.  “Lets go slow, yes?” You mumbled to him softly. He looked up at you, shoulders tense as he nodded. “Yes mien Liebling.” he whispered back, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth as he furrowed his brows again for you were laying back now, resting your head on the pillow as you slightly spread your legs for him to fit in between. So he moved to lean over you, head of his cock teasing against your lower belly softly, it made him whimper as you couldn't help but giggle as you looked up to him, he looked beautiful this way.  “Should I- uhm..” he stuttered, cheeks burning red as he lowered himself slightly, trying to align himself with your entrance.  “Yes Andrea- go ahead.” You bit at your lower lip, eyes gazing as he closed his eyes, throbbing tip budding at your opening, he pushed his hips forward, his tip sliding in before it slipped upwards, you really were that tight- though you felt bad, for if you were more relaxed it would've gone in easier. “I apologize-” you mutter, exhaling shakily but he shakes his head.  “No- not your fault.” Andrea shares a calming smile, his eyes shining as he looks deeply into your eyes.  “I try again.” he reassured and positioned his cock to your entrance once more, this time sliding it in your slickness and heat easily. You held your breath, feeling him stretch you wide, Andrea on the other hand groaned out, whimpered as his head fell into the crook of your neck. You couldn't imagine how sensitive he must be at the moment.  He kept sliding in until he couldn't anymore, and he filled you to the brim, you felt so full and couldn't help but moan softly, your hands going to the back of his nape, playing with his hair, twirling it around your fingers, admiring the feeling of his warm body atop of yours, holding you. he stayed still, immediately understanding you would need some time to adjust. So you two stayed still, breathing and trying to figure this all out, he lifted his head, and you just stared at him until the two of you broke into small laughter. Warm chuckles filling the air around you, and you caught his lips softly, he laughed into your mouth even- so shy and nervous, Andrea couldn't help it. But after a minute of kissing and nervously giggling you finally felt ready. You broke the warm kiss. And caught his eyes. “Andrea I think I'm ready...move...please?” You muttered shyly- you didn't want to sound demanding but were soon relived when he just smiled at you. Giving you a look as to say “of course.”  And he pulled out halfway, inhaling deeply as he then slid back in setting up a pace, not to fast not to slow, just right honestly. And that's when you felt the pleasure slowly beginning to take over the slight discomfort. When he soon began pumping into you like a animal in heat. You moaned his name over and over, arching your back as you watched his face turn desperate. He would mutter in polish and German. whispering into your ear and you couldn't help but scratch at his back. He changed his angle slightly, cock hitting your g-spot. 

“Oh! Oh Andrea you- oh fuck.” You cursed, closing your eyes. “Yes harder please.” you moaned out, feverishly. Everything felt so hot, you were even sweating across your forehead slightly.  And he did as you commanded, pushing harder, fucking into you, moaning brokenly each time he pushed in. The squeeze of your pussy around him making him lightheaded even. He dropped his head to your chest eventually. Tongue finding its way to your nipple. Opening wide and sucking on your breast. And you felt so sensitive, everything overwhelming you but in the best way possible. 

“Oh yes, yes-” you chanted, breathless and suddenly wrapped your thighs around him, flipping the two of you over so you were on top, he gasped- eyes wide as he looked to you, his face becoming flushed once more- the sight of him was enough to push you to the edge as you began to bounce on his cock, suddenly reaching you climax, steadying yourself by putting your hands to Andreas chest- your back arching as you clenched around his cock, falling forward now- pushing your lips together. 

He kept thrusting into you though- desperate to cum inside, “Please- please.” He begged for release, closing his eyes as you groaned softly, your insides sensitive as you sat back up, and it only took 2 bounces on his cock for Andrea to be moaning out your name- as he gripped your thighs and soon you felt his warm seed fill you up, he whimpered and fucked into you harshly now- sitting up and pulling you close, fitting his mouth over your tit to muffle the shameful sounds spilling out of him. 

As he fucked through his climax he soon began to slow down, exhausted as you moaned- feeling him suck your nipples softly now, closing his eyes as his breathing calmed. 

You ran your fingers through his hair softly. Kissing the top of his head- satisfied now and he now popped off your tit, lips a bright color that matched his cheeks. He smiled at you and you grinned back, pressing a kiss to his nose. You raised yourself off of him, and you felt his warm seed inside of you, you adored the feeling as you rolled off and laid down- he lowered himself to be by you. 

“You were amazing Andrea- absolutely wonderful.” You sighed softly as his hand reached your stomach, drawing invisible lines with his fingers over the soft skin. Andrea shyly smiled now. “Danke.” he whispered in German, you knew what it meant and chuckled softly. 

“Im sleepy.” you whispered, and it was true- your eyes were heavy and Andrea nodded. “Sleep.” he kissed your cheek warmly. And so you did, you fell asleep to him cuddled beside you, humming a tune that was familiar to you. 

[inevitably-johnlocked]

can we adress how toxic some of these self/harm and suicide fics are?? as someone who has struggled with these issues, treating them as just a way for the two characters to get together, or one character to be the savior who cures someone of their problems? I'm so frickin over it. continuing to put your partner in limbo by threatening this behavior when they don't give you enough attention is a symptom of something major. This is not something i like seeing romanticized. at all.

[CONTENT WARNING FOR ENTIRE POST: heavy discussions of trauma, suicide, self harm, depression, political issue mentions, and eating disorders. Please proceed with care. I am not cutting the post because I think the message is important, so scroll past until my icon disappears <3 Stay safe, My Lovelies.]

Hey Nonny

Okay, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here because you mention you DO have struggles with these issues, so I’m going to state right up front here and say I AM NOT DISREGARDING YOUR PERSONAL EXPERIENCE AT ALL. Your view of this topic is valid, and it’s not something I am ever going to say is wrong for you. 

I would like to offer an olive branch, here, Nonny, and give you an alternative take on this, because I’m concerned that perhaps you are still coping with your own struggles and in return, you unwittingly and unintentionally are coming off as unsympathetic to other people’s coping mechanisms.

I KNOW how hard it is to see another view when yours is the only one that seems right, especially after a tragedy or after dealing with heavy things. But all I am asking is for you to temporarily extend some empathy as I discuss my thoughts in this post, and I apologize in advance if I come off as dickish, because, again, it’s hard to see past your own feelings, and I tend to give a “firm but understanding” approach to asks like this. It’s NOT meant to call you our personally. Just asking for an open mind.

I will tackle this ask in a similar fashion to this post here, which talks about shipping vs fetishization so CW for that, as well as like this post here, where we discuss pet peeves. My assumption here is that Nonny is unsure about what “romanticizing” actually entails, and how much this ask is basically Gatekeeping Fiction 101, a thing that’s been going on since the beginning of storytelling. The ask is perceived by me to be emotionally unaware of how unsympathetic it actually sounds, and in turn can unintentionally upset people who engage in these stories.

First thing’s first, Nonny, and I said it before, I GET IT. I understand what you’re going for here, why you feel it’s toxic, and why you think it shouldn’t exist. Here’s the thing, though: what you’re ACTUALLY calling for here is censorship and gatekeeping because YOU PERSONALLY take issue with something, want the fandom specially curated just for you, because it PERSONALLY OFFENDS YOU. And that, it itself, is what’s really toxic, here. Just because YOU are offended, does not mean that it’s not helpful to SOMEONE ELSE, and it’s selfish to make such a demand of people.

Let me explain.

As I mention in the link above re: shipping, many people read and write fics to cope with the reality of their own experiences. Nonny, your experience is NOT the same as someone else’s. Your pain is NOT universal, and you DON’T KNOW what that author has been through; for all you know, they spent 6 months in-hospital after attempting suicide, and they are now simply processing their trauma through storytelling. 

Or, “continuing to put your partner in limbo by threatening this behavior when they don't give you enough attention” ? It’s a VERY REAL THING that ACTUALLY happens in real life, and perhaps it happened to that author, or they want to write an alternate ending to their pain.

Or, “one character to be the saviour who cures someone of their problems?” is something a suicide survivor WISHES someone did for them. Because they feel alone in the world and don’t want to be alone anymore.

These stories are simply escapism for people, either to learn about or share what these mental illnesses do to people, or are the “fantasies” of survivors, of their ideal outcome to their own tragedies. Coping with guilt over the loss of someone they feel they could have saved. The brutal truth about realty.

And sometimes, it is because some people need a good cry and a feel-good happy ending, because real life? Well, it rarely has those happy endings and so few opportunities to let us cry, and sometimes life is just easier when we view it through the eyes of fictional characters. Do you not want someone to save you sometimes Nonny? And I mean metaphorically here, too. Someone to just take all of your hellish burdens off those shoulders for one day. Someone who will come in to save you from yourself. I know I do.

And, well, sometimes, Nonny, it makes people feel less alone in this socially distanced world.

They’re not glorifying that issue Nonny. They’re telling their story.

Here are some thoughts:

Romanticization: Some trendy teen outlet selling a shirt with “mentally diseased” written across it.

NOT Romanticization: A character in a story coming to terms with a diagnosis of mental illness and learning ways to adapt. Their partner is involved 100% and they learn together.

Romanticization: Sherlock merchandise being sold with “I’m a high functioning sociopath” (not mention ableist as all heck)

NOT Romanticization: A character self-harms because of depression, and character B helps the character through their pain and together they get proper therapy and treatment.

Romanticization: Calling yourself “OMG I’m so bipolar!” because it’s trendy.

NOT Romanticization: A clinically depressed author, who survived a suicide attempt, wanting to tell their story through characters the world is already familiar with, and one that a touchy subject can be expressed and understood by other people, because they’re not ready to write the “real” book. Fandom is a safety net for them.

See what I mean Nonny? We don’t KNOW what kind of pain these authors have PERSONALLY been through, and to censor them from having their voices heard and their stories told is just not on for me.

And let me be clear: YES OF COURSE romanticization happens EVERYWHERE. I am not denying that. But your ask is coming off like EVERY STORY EVER WRITTEN is glorification of something. By your logic:

Disabled people shouldn’t write about their disabilities because they’re romanticising themselves.

The authors with medical degrees shouldn’t write realistic med-fics because some where in the world, ONE person MAY HAVE had a similar experience as Character A and B.

Someone broke their foot in ballet so they shouldn’t write a story about a ballet dancer who broke their hip because it may offend ONE ballerina SOMEWHERE in space and time who got sideline at the prime of their career? 

Stories about LGBT+ people shouldn’t be written because homophobes think it’s icky.

We shouldn’t write about wizards because it offends high school catholic pastors (an actual thing that happened)? 

How about cancer stories because kids die of cancer all the time? 

Non-fiction autobiographies about holocaust survivors is not okay.

Science books offend flat earthers, so we shouldn’t write those.

Books about the Big Bang and a 4.5 billion-year-old earth offends creationists, so burn those.

A now-adult child rape victim writing their survival stories to help get their often-in-power abusers behind bars are taboo.

True crime stories from detectives on those cases shouldn’t be told because they weren’t the victim.

Non-fiction in general because someone somewhere may have had that one singular thing happen to them.

How about coping with grief over a parent’s sudden death because I personally might find offense in that since that was a horridly traumatic experience in my life?

Do you see how progressively out of touch this argument is? (the answer to all of these: authors should be allowed to write them, because stories make us human). Your argument leads down the very dangerous path to censorship of books, the internet, and history... to have people only read and learn what someone else dictates, leading to... well.

I’m not trying to be a dick here, Nonny, I’m really not. But I think you’re really missing the entire point of fiction and story telling. I feel you’re failing in the empathy game here, and failing to understand what romanticizing really actually is. 

Whenever I get asks like this, I always feel like the Nonnies don’t really know much about pre-Ao3. I come from “early internet” fandom age, and I’m talking before tags existed. Back when I had to go buy a book at Coles and guess what was in it based on a cover description. No “amazon reviews”. No “harmful content warning” stickers. You just picked up that book, and sometimes you get a sweet story about a friends exploring an alien landscape, and other times WHOOOPS ACCIDENTAL ALIEN SEX I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR. And sometimes, it ended with a dark story about death, and the reality of coping with it.

Twenty years ago, books on the shelves at bookstores and libraries were the only place you could do your reading and they certainly do NOT have tags on them... Modern tagging of stories are a REALLY recent thing introduced probably no less than 15 years ago and was perfected by Ao3 (which was started in 2009). 

These days, there is no excuse if you only consume fanfiction on Ao3. Fics are tagged with proper possible-trigger tags 90% of the time. They have a VERY METICULOUS filtering system. You aren’t being forced to read the fics, you don’t have to read the fics, so use those tag filters, they exist for a reason.

So, with that in mind, I genuinely DON’T GET this attitude about people wanting everything sugar coated and saccharine by default. Especially when you can LITERALLY CURATE YOUR OWN CONTENT. Life isn’t sugar coated. And fiction shouldn’t have to be either. People tag fics with triggers for a reason.

As they used to say back in my early internet days: Don’t like it? Don’t read it. Don’t comment, skip, next story.

And to put this ALL into perspective, so that you don’t think I’m talking out of my ass, I’m going to reveal something here: Do you know what fics I can’t read, Nonny, because they trigger me? Eating disorders. That’s self harm, Nonny, in a very different way. But you know what? I know that those fics DO help other ED people so I’m not going to sit her and tell people NOT to rec or write them. And some of those authors who write those stories are processing their own ED through those stories, healing in their own way. And you know what I do when I see one of those fics? I don’t read them, move on, next story.

I’m sorry if you perceive this as me being harsh with you here, Nonny, and you DON’T have to agree with me and you can block me and never talk to me again, and I’ll understand. As I stated at the beginning, I’m offering an alternative perspective, and helping you to see that some people take comfort in these types of stories.

I think what this all boils down to Nonny, after all of this, and rereading your question a final time to see if I missed covering anything, is that (and feel free to shit on me if I am wrong here) I’m getting the impression – as an unprofessional outsider looking in – that you’re still struggling with your inner demons, whether you realize it or not. The tone and brashness of your ask has me believing this... It feels like it was written after a trigger-moment and you needed to vent AT someone because you are alone, and that hurts my heart so much. I truly hope you find peace in your mind, soon, and I hope you have someone to talk to professionally, or at least a friend. (tw under link, suicidal ideation discussion and links to phone numbers that can help you). I only wish the best for you, my Nonny.

Anyway. I welcome other people to chime in here, respectfully, and let me know if I have the wrong take here. Because I genuinely don’t think I do, but I am not a professional, so my entire thing that took me 3 hours to write here is probably moot. I’m especially interested (on anon in my asks if you’re not comfy with revealing yourselves) on thoughts from other people who have survived the original topics here, as well as any therapists and authors as well.

Take care of yourself Nonny. And please curate your own content for your mental health. Ao3 has an “exclusionary tag system” as well, please use it. *hugs*

[osayoko-blog]

How about all the questions except 100? ( ◠‿◠ ) See, I'm nice.

ASK ME THINGS

( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? Nothing, because they would still be snoring away happily next to me. My favorite thing to hear in the early morning.

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?☼♥ ☾

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?I think that’s the stupidest question someone could have come up with. Shouldn’t you care about every little thing concerning them? Ranging from when they experience minor headaches, to drug abuse, to their well being in general?

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?Ozaki = 5

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?Sober, maybe a little drunk on sleep.

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?Yes. But we’ll always go our way.

7. What does your last received text say?I don’t remember right now.

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?∞

9. Where was your last kiss at?The hospital.

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?I don’t have a sisiter but two older brothers.

11. What do you drink in the morning?Decaffeinated tea.

12. Where did you sleep last night?At the hospital.

13. Do you think relationships are hard?They are if you invest everything you’ve got. If they’re not, you’re probably just wasting away your days ignoring each and every occuring problem.

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?No. Although not everything went the most perfect way possible, I wouldn’t change anything. Life isn’t a video game you can restart if you made any mistakes that influence the progress of it. You have to live with your mistakes and the bad phases that come and go. Coping with the consequences makes you grow, cheating doesn’t help you improve but to eventually make the same mistakes again without learning through them. Everything happens for a reason and everything that has occurred to me within the past five months has gotten me to where I am right now. I like it, I’m happy. I’m enjoying my life and the connection I have to the people in it.

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?None.

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?Summer rain.

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?I don’t have a middle name.

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?Leggings.

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?It doesn‘t matter if it’s a relationship or just “us”. I think it will still be “us” three years from now.

20. Does anyone like you?Yes.

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?Technically.

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?No.

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?Yes. Are you human?

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?I appreciate art in every shape and form it comes in. I have considered it a couple of times. I love this kind of unforgiving commitment to whatever you choose to carry underneath your skin with you for the rest of your life.

25. In the past week have you cried?Yes. Never hold it in.

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?It was a cute Pomeranian. I can see why this question is important. It honestly made my day to see this white ball of fluff bouncing around and wrapping his leash around his owner’s legs in the process. They were all annoyed but it was an adorable sight to witness for me.

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?Drying off in the shower is such a pet peeve of mine.

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?No.

29. Do you think you’re old?I have an old soul but a young heart.

30. Do you like text messaging?It’s not that I like it to an extent where I can say that I enjoy it, but it has become ultimately vital for the people of our generation. Especially in my business it’s a great way to stay in touch with important contacts but also a comfortable possibility to talk to the people close to you when you find yourself being constricted by a busy schedule but don’t want to miss out on anything in their lives. I still prefer face to face conversations but I’m grateful we’re given these endless possibilities nowadays.

31. What type of day are you having?My day has been an odd mix so far; a little bit busy, a little bit boring, amazingly challenging.

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?Actually, yes. I’ve done a shooting with Brooklyn All Day a while back where they put a fake septum on me and I actually thought this look was pretty cool and refreshing, enough to briefly wonder if it would be something I could enjoy on the long run, but I came to the conclusion that it’s not too convenient in this kind of profession. When I was younger, I always admired people with belly button piercings, too.

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?I like both extremes. I like them, but I also find myself moaning as soon as I’m forced to cope with extreme cold or extreme warmth. Yet I enjoy being surrounded by snow or going to the beach on beautiful summer days. I don’t have a preference as it seems but I’m grateful for every season and its perks.

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?Always. My best friend.

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?I’d prefer no labels. They only do harm depending on the type of person you are. My answer will be neither, but I strongly believe that certain things don’t need to be named. Strong emotions don’t need such limiting cages. You will only find yourself clutching these golden bars, wishing to escape so the two of you can be free. But most importantly together. Why limit yourself when those feelings go far beyond human vocabulary.

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?I am as simple as I am complicated.

37. What song are you listening to?Bon Jovi - Living on a Prayer

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?It depends on who you are to me. But usually, yes. Especially when you’re close to me. The tighter the bond, the more I’ll have to swallow my pride to apologize. When I do, I do mean it.39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?My friend Akane.40. What made you start liking the person you like now?This is the toughest question so far. Mainly because I don’t want to write a bible for an answer, so I will try to keep it short. What made me like them, the very first thing that did, was realizing that for some reason our minds worked strangely alike. He spoke out things I couldn’t put into words, but he also took entire sentences off my tongue I wanted to write down and yet he was faster, just like he knew what I put my mind to that very moment. It was like speaking to my reflection in the mirror. And I hadn’t even seen him in person back then. This conversation got under my skin. Ever since I’m tied. Since day one.41. When did you last receive a text message?Yesterday.42. What is wrong with you right now?I think I’m frightened of the unknown and of the familiar, both at once.43. How well do you know the last female you texted?Barely.44. Does anyone disgust you?Remotely.45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?Yes and no.46. Are you in a good mood right now?As good as your mood can be when all you can think about is sleep.47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?Sono.48. What color shirt are you wearing?Grey.49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?Yes. I don’t think either of us liked it but it was necessary. I’m glad we had this conversation.50. Anyone you’re giving up on?The slow and mechanic form of life I have been the past couple of months. Goodbye.51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?Sometimes. But it’s never without affection.

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?Who didn’t?53. Do you like rain?I love rain. 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?I think I will simply refer to the question concerning drug abuse here. Though it also depends on how severe the consume of alcohol is.55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?Yes. Although I’ve learned not to waste emotions as I grew older. 56. Do you like to cuddle?Actually, yes.57. Are you shy?It depends. But a huge part of me is. 58. Do you get along with girls?I do. But I have a tendency of getting along with boys much better.59. Have you dated the person you texted last?Yes. 60. What do you carry with you at all times?My phone. 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?Yes, but I’d probably chicken out as soon as I hear as much as a creaking door. 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?Yes. 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?Yes. 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?I think it makes for a sensation of warmth and comfort, feeling utterly cared about.65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?Yes. My son produced his absolute worst diaper. So… cute…

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?Well, one of them was very very old, almost ancient. Rumor has it he’s almost fourty. The other is currently 4 months old and last but not least, I’m not going to give away my mom’s age.

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?I have phases where I feel artistic and want to do a cool design on my own nails, but let’s be real, it’s better and easier to just get them done by a professional.   68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?Leo.69. Do you have any stickers on your car?No.70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?Lil Wayne.71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?iPhone.  72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?I only recall having pizza from Domino’s.   73. Do you like diet soda?No. Go hard or go home.74. What color are the walls in your room?White. I can’t have my walls painted in extreme and distracting colors. It makes me feel uncomfortable because they’re too loud. White is very soothing.75. Are you 16 or older?I’m 10 in spirit.  76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?No.  77. Do you have a job?Professional food enthusiast.  78. What are your initials?S. O.79. Did you ever have braces?No.   80. Are you from the south?Damn right. From the best city ever! I also think Northerners are cavemen.

81. What does your last status on facebook say?I don’t really use this site.82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?Not really, no.   83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?I’m close to both of them. They give me more support than I could ever dream of. I’m close to either of them in different ways, I believe. I talk a lot about my concerns and problems to my mom. She gives the best advice. My dad is my rolemodel. He teaches me lessons about life whenever we interact. And he was the one making me attached to the sea ever since I was a little girl. I’m grateful they raised me the way they did.84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?Gymnastics.   85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?Resident Evil.   86. Do you smoke?I used to smoke. I can’t say that I don’t miss it these days.   87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?I love any kind of shoe. It depends on the occasion or the setting.    88. Is your phone touch screen?Is the sun hot?   89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?I like to wear it curly if I am in the mood to do anything with it. Otherwise I prefer to have straight hair since it doesn’t require any work while I get ready.   90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?When I lived back home with my parents I used to sneak out of the house or back inside often. Those were my wilder teenage years. Rebel phase, Kurt Cobain lover, living the gyaru lifestyle.91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?A lake.   92. Have you ever made out in a car?Yes.   93. …Had sex in a car?Yes.   94. Are you single or in a relationship?Maybe something so precious, no label in the world could ever express its beauty.   95. What were you doing last night at midnight?Driving to the hospital.   96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?New Years.   97. Do you like the camera on your phone?It’s okay but since photography is a hobby, I prefer my Canon.   98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?Yes. It’s common in Japan though.    99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?More often than I’d like to admit.101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?Yes.  102. Name your favorite Kesha song: Blah Blah Blah  103. Do you have any tan lines right now?None.   104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?I used to when it was a thing for gals.