#still-grounded23

[still-grounded23]

Where are You?

(picture is not mine :>)

I thought I saw you. You were always beside me, and I love you. Our fingers intertwined as we faced the entire world together. My mischief, my childhood, my one true love. 

It was a hand to hold in the dark when I was scared or unsure. I Just knew I saw you. You were always by my side when I dodged through the busy sea of students in the land that never loved me. You were there. You were true, and always short of words. Quiet and always listening. I guess we were both alike in many ways. 

You were the only one I ever could see. Everybody else’s faces were just blurs, and even my own, and even yours on some days. Our futures are both dim, we both knew it.

“Where should we go?” I asked you after school. Crowds of blurs would turn to stare as we brushed it off like nothing. They were grouped together, judging. Why? 

Its was the end of a long school day. You never replied to me and I was once again filled with sorrowful thoughts for some unexpected reason. It was overwhelming once it was just the two of us with our pinky’s linked together watching the starry sky above.

“Ah.” It wasn’t at peace. Both of our voice synced. It was a sigh of fresh air after walking through a storm of pollution. Something so overbearing to me. I couldn’t go on much longer. My gas mask was almost completely broken and giving up on the world. I still held it close to my face just like I always held you close, like I was just some parasite to it’s meal. “Ah.”

The world was such a big place once I stood on the rooftop of the hospital by your side. Fingers linked into intricate design of something so precious. I only wanted to sing for you, but I don’t know what song. Shall it be one of simple, jovial times, or something realistic. I thought up of more sorrowful thoughts again. They overflowed my heart and I’m about to cry! Your hand I’m squeezing is cold. 

“Ah.” Here we go again. My empty hand clutches my hair hoping for some kind of relief somehow. But there isn’t anything helping, and not even the quiet, self contained, little you could help comfort me. The rooftop is a nice quiet place for me to sit on my knees while tears drip from my eyes to my legs as I silently weep with you standing only just behind me, silently. 

Sorrowful thoughts overwhelmed my mind. Echoes of cry’s filled the starry skies above as I watched. The sorrow overflowed my heart and I was the one crying. Your voice, your face, your entire figure is drifting further and further away as the truth reveals itself.

I can’t find my breath of fresh air knowing you weren’t real this whole time. I already knew it, but the reality set in once again, and now I’m suffocating. “Ah.” I tried to find serenity in anything possible. 

The “Ah” in question, once sounding bored, monotoned, and overall through with my sorrows, turned into pleading, wishful screams. I tugged and pulled on my hair, it still somehow didn’t give me relief. I cried and screamed in the night sky, wishing you were real and with me again. 

(Author’s note: I'm still wondering whether i should’ve made the set up in the order of a poem. The beginning definitely sounds like poetry, and i don’t know how i keep accidentally writing poems)

[still-grounded23]

You Left me Here 

(Warning: this is a story for mature audiences, and some viewers may be sensitive to the following contents (such as mentions of suicide, and loss of loved ones) read at your own risk)

I woke up in what felt like a different world. It was a world that I couldn’t be with you in, and I hated it. “Mrow~” Gnocchi , my cat, meowed for food. I almost forgot food existed. I hadn’t eaten for days.

“Good Morning kitty.” I cooed. I got up for the first time in maybe three days. I didn’t want to leave. Not when I could still smell your scent on your side of the bed. It was empty now.. We had everything. You left me. 

I gave Gnocchi his food. Maybe it was time I go back to work. I got ready, but I was already late enough. I walked out of my apartment. My world was upside down, inside out, and backwards. Everything seemed distorted. My world was completely foreign, and I was without you. 

I trudged to the subway station. My movements seemed slowed, and agonizing. From this train I can go to one of five places. Back to the hospital, to the place only we knew, back to work, to visit you, or I could stay here forever. I got off at the stop to work. I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing you just yet.

I walked into the office. You weren’t there, and I couldn't recognize anybody. I watched as some would be grouped together, talking and laughing. I wanted to smile, and I really tried, but I couldn't for some reason. I was an empty shell, and I was without you. I typed endlessly to get prices down. Over twenty calls went by the day until I needed fresh air during lunch break. I walked up to the rooftop. There were people all over talking with one another. I was surrounded by coworkers, but I was alone. I walked to the ledge on this late winter evening. I looked out to a potential sunset. In this distorted world, hands reached from the side of the building they tugged and pulled me until I gave in. flying…

    I woke up once again in the same bed that was ours. My world was more distorted. “Mrow.” I was greeted by our cat.

    “Good morning Gnocchi.” He was the only thing untouched by this new, foreign land. I could always tell it was him. I gave him his food from the kitchen. Maybe I should try to give myself some food today, but even with it right in front of me, I couldn't bring myself to eat. I looked in my cabinet. There was yet another empty bottle. I walked out of our apartment once again, ready for work but I was sure that wasn’t where I was going. I hopped onto the subway once again. I knew where I was going. Back to the hospital. My bottle was clutched in my hand, and I was without you.

    I slowly strode down the long corridor. I knew where I was supposed to go. So many people with distorted masks trudged those halls looking for their designated room where they were promised to be set free. My mask was breaking, and soon, I too would be distorted. “So what would you say is bothering you, miss-

Isolabella?” I couldn’t hear her say my name. My name is unknown even to myself. I swore that it   meant “lonely one”. It was only true now. I wasn’t always lonely, but now you aren’t here, and I'm without you. 

    The appointment was dim and boring. I got my prescription, but I don't remember my session at all. I was greeted by Gnocchi. I pet him and read the bottle once again. “One a day to make pain go away.” 

    I opened the bottle. If I want to make all the pain go away, I Sh–ld ta-e all of !t, r-ght?

    My eyes fluttered open. I awoke to Gnocchi resting on my stomach. “Good morning, Gnocchi.” I got a little meow in return. Once again I was on the subway. Maybe it's time I visit you once again. It's been weeks. 

    I arrived at your new home after getting off the subway and making some difficult turns. Each time I thought of seeing you, I couldn’t help but pretend you were still mine. There were no more tears left to cry, and I was without you. I stepped through the gate leading to a sea of carved stones. Your name was the easiest to find. I settled on the soft ground next to you. Though I truly thought there were no tears to spare, and my conversation was an attempt to be at least a little jovial, I could still feel the warmth of the streams of tears rolling off my eyes. My whole soul aches and my eyes are burning. You left me.

    I know you aren’t coming back, now. This world may not be just as foreign as I thought. I’ll see you again some day, my love, and I’m not sure if I could ever bring myself to hold a foreign hand. I'm not as alone, and I am with you, forever and more.