#still please yah idk what community exactly means to you or if our definitions are the same

[tennessoui]

is it ok to rb your last post because i am incredibly soft rn reading it. (aaa sorry here comes the adhd ramble!) i have this horrible horrible habit of pushing people away as a result of trauma or mental illness or whathaveyou and the closer they come the angrier i get and my best friend since childhood texted me last night if i was doing alright and idk why it set me off but l just got so irrationally irritated and angry and anyways i’ve been working up the courage all day to apologize and then just read your post about needing and valuing community especially in healing and ashdjjsn idk idk i just...it made me want to apologize vs just feeling like i need to? bc i love her and she IS my community and i don’t deserve her but this is us. if that makes sense? and anyways thank u for sharing such a personal story! <3

ahhh ok so very easy first of all 100% yes reblog if you want

to the rest (and pls remember i majored in english and poli sci in college and then also was so bad at psychology/mental wherewithal i did have to go to a mandatory hospital thingamajig)

i do understand that anger, in that in my experience, people in real life reaching out to me has sometimes in the past made me wonder how obvious my own suffering has been that they feel that need to contact first, and then i respond in a sort of defensive anger to their text-check-up-questions, especially when it's been a while since we've talked, so it feels very obviously targeted to me specifically failing to be A Good Human.

but reaching out in general no matter the motive is just. It's something. It's something idk the words for. it means 'i've been thinking about you.' so in 2017 when i checked into that hospital, i actually had to drop out of college for the spring semester of my freshman year. and this guy that i was sorta kinda maybe in love with sent me letters like every week because i told him i wasn't going to be able to use my phone and he still wanted to talk anyway. and one of the letters he sent me also contained a 7 page essay on john locke's idea of government and democracy that he had to write for his politics class and he wanted me to proofread over it and send back with corrections ASAP.

but what he really was saying was probably 'wish you were here', so actually i promise i don't know much about anything but if you love your childhood friend and if she does make you feel better or feel softer when everything else is making you feel like you can't be soft--then apologize and text back and text random shit after that too because any sort of connection is something to fight for idk