#still not satisfied with how clunky it is but i need to move on :P

[eyndr-stories]

The Stranger The Better (FNAF SB fanfic) C12 - ...Okay Maybe It's An Addiction

Read the intro to Chapter 1 (Enter A Sleepy Bitchard) for more details! I'd start reading there anyways else things won't make a whole lot of sense lol

In Summary: Reader is a forever exhausted young adult who has social difficulties doing their best to pay the bills, so when they get hired at the well-paying, almost entirely automated Freddy Fazbear's Mega Pizza-Plex, they don't really hesitate to think things through before stumbling headfirst into a horror mystery surrounding this company and its crew of quirky (and surprisingly kind) animatronics.

Things To Know (lmk if I should add anything, also check the tags for more stuff):

There are some horror elements in several chapters! This chapter is not particularly spooky, there's just a lot of exposition and important plot stuff and some nice character interactions.

Eventual romance, minorly important to the plot.

Reader has paranoia.

There is much swearing.

Reader is also addicted to energy drinks, and not fantastic at self care.

Reader is nonbinary (and also trans masc) though it's not vital to the plot and only comes up once or twice.

Reader is from the south, is protective of their friends, and if you threaten their friends then I'm afraid you've yee'd your last haw and yes that is important to the plot

Previous Chapter | Chapter 12 | Next Chapter

C12 - ...Okay Maybe It's An Addiction

     This new schedule was throwing you off. You were setting all kinds of alarms and reminders to make sure you were where you needed to be when you needed to be there. There wasn't much time for your research, which you'd thrown yourself into headfirst in order to help distract from your feelings until they went away.

     You hated the management at the pizza-plex, for many reasons. It felt personal to you, now that you'd gotten to know all the animatronics. You didn't want to just let management use and abuse the animatronics how they saw fit. Besides, if you didn't figure out how to bring management down, who would?

     You weren't very good at research. All you really got were adds for the pizza-plex and its line of merch, and a bunch of old advertisements from when the place had its grand re-opening three years ago. You sighed and considered making plans to check out the public library for information.

     If you ever had the time, that is.

     Luckily, you didn't have as many days or hours at the deli coming up. Today was not one of those days, however. You had a short shift at the deli, followed by two hours at the plex, followed by a longer closing shift back at the deli, and then a night shift at the plex. You also had a tummy ache, but you were being very brave about it. You downed an energy drink on the way to work at the deli.

     At the plex, there was some trouble as a few kids got very upset during snack time when Moon ran out of the popular cracker snacks shaped like the glamrocks. The kids were inconsolable, in tears, and one was even screaming. Sun came to the rescue and consoled the children with candy, if the kids agreed to settle for a different snack. You asked to try one of the candies, since it looked special. It wasn't for sale in any of the gift shops, and didn't have a brand name or anything on its wrapper, just a little sun icon. You recalled a box of candy among Moon's belongings, which you remembered matched his theme. Sun hesitantly told you that the candy was just for the kids, and you shouldn't have any. You, now even more curious, made plans to steal some later.

     Another energy drink on your way back to the deli. A customer berated you for putting an obscene amount of black olives (a regular amount of black olives) on her sub. Another customer came up to the counter five minutes before closing and simply could not figure out what she wanted, but boy did she sure want a lot of it. You opened, sliced a sample of, and re-wrapped and put away nearly every meat and cheese in the case before the customer realized there was a fresh slice case, full of the pre-sliced packs of meats and cheeses you'd been working on for the past two hours. She took every pack of cheese in the case, so you had to slice more to restock it before you could get to cleaning. One of your coworkers, the one who was always complaining about one thing or another (what was her name?? You could never remember) did your dishes without you asking and then complained about having to do everything herself. You ignored her and exchanged riddles with your manager until everything was done and you could finally leave.

     You clocked into the plex for the second time, snatching another energy drink from the fridge. You turned around and nearly leapt out of your skin when you saw someone else in the room with you.

     "Fucking shit. Sorry. Hi, Vanessa. Sorry, I didn't hear you come in." You took a few breaths to calm down. You weren't sure when you'd gotten so jumpy.

     "What are you doing here?" Vanessa asked. She punched in, then turned back around to scrutinize you.

     "…I work here? I'm Y/N, the other security guard. We met once in the parking lot," you said.

     Vanessa gave you a tired look. "I mean why are you here right now? I'm scheduled to be here till one. You don't need to be here till then."

     "Oh. I guess management accidentally scheduled us both." You checked your email and re-read your schedule just to be certain. "They just re-worked my schedule so I could supervise Moon, it's probably just a small error they made when changing stuff around."

     Vanessa sighed. "Whatever." She breezed past you and started fixing herself a cup of coffee. The keys hanging on her hip jangled lightly as she went. You noticed a little bunny charm hanging off a keychain, and noted subconsciously that Vanessa seemed to like bunnies.

     You were about to leave and start your rounds, but… you didn't get much opportunity to talk to Vanessa. Not only did you want to form your own opinions of her, but you knew she'd been working here since the place opened. She was bound to know something or other about management, right?

     You took a very casual sip of your energy drink. "…Leave it to management to make a fuck up like this, huh?"

     "Right." Vanessa rolled her eyes. "Those dumbasses don't know a damn thing about what goes on around here. They don't care. All they want is money."

     "Greedy bastards," you agreed.

     "They don't care if people get hurt. They're selfish. Thoughtless."

     You took this as a good sign. She was not only willing to talk to you, but she had to have a reason or two for dissing management. You went on, hoping to encourage her to keep talking. "Right?? Like, they were considering getting rid of Moon because they couldn't figure out the issue with his weird bug. Like legit get rid of him."

     Vanessa scoffed. "Who gives a shit about the animatronics?"

     You were momentarily speechless, somewhat startled by her incredible lack of compassion. There was no way after three years she didn't know the animatronics were just as sentient as anyone else.

     Vanessa went on, glaring down at the coffee pot as it slowly churned out her coffee, filling the styrofoam cup. "They'll just sweep it all under the rug, rebrand, claim it'll be different this time around. Can't have a high employee turnover rate if there's barely any employees to begin with."

     You weren't sure what to say. You wanted to yell at her, you'd told her management wanted to off Moon and her response was to demean the animatronics and then avoid the topic altogether. But… what the hell was she talking about??

     "What do you mean? High employee turnover rate?" you questioned.

     "Back before they closed, when they didn't have security bots and staff bots, they had people. Good, honest, hard working, flesh and blood people. Animatronics like these were so new… still are, for the most part. Not a lot of regulations around them. Not many people who's job it is to make sure they're running right. Make sure they're safe." Vanessa glared at her coffee. It was done pouring, but she didn't move to take it.

     "…What are you saying? The turnover rate was high because…?"

     "No reason I can prove." Vanessa snatched up her coffee, chugged it all, then tossed the cup in the trash. "Hope I don't see you again anytime soon." She left the room.

     You stood there for a long moment, processing and reeling from the conversation. You took a long drink from your can, then started your rounds.

     You came to the conclusion that there was maybe more going on here than you'd thought. According to Vanessa, there'd been some issues with the classic animatronics, leading to people getting hurt, or… worse. Which the company seems to have covered up quite well. Of course, enough money will do that, and this was a very lucrative entertainment business. You weren't sure how to go about validating any of these claims. Maybe Vanessa was messing with you, trying to get you to quit or something. She didn't seem to like you very much. But she had seemed so… passionate. So angry. It was hard for you to believe she was lying.

     So then, in the case it was true, a sane person would likely cease all investigation, probably start looking for a new job, keep their nose out of it. But you were not sane. You were insatiably curious. You also held a deep hatred for management, and didn't care much for your own safety or well-being.

     You opened your writing app and tapped out some notes, recounting what Vanessa had said while it was still fresh in your mind. You got back to your rounds, planning to keep your ear to the ground and your nose as far into this business as you could get it. You finished off your energy drink and tossed the can into the garbage.

     "Those are bad for you."

     You were started out of your thoughts by Moon, who had come up behind you, and oh shit you were supposed to meet him at the daycare before starting your rounds-

     "Ahhhh, man! I'm sorry, Moon. I totally spaced. It's been a long day," you said sheepishly.

     Moon pouted. "I can't believe you forgot all about me. You must hate me."

     You rolled your eyes. "I don't hate you."

     "Ohh, woe is me. Forgotten, left behind, tossed to the wayside." Moon swooned dramatically.

     "I would never!"

     "Abandoned… betrayed…" Moon pretended to weep.

     "Alright, I'm leaving." You rolled your eyes and continued walking.

     Moon walked next to you. "How was your day?"

     "Ugh. It was whatever. How was yours?"

     Moon looked at you for a long moment. "It was alright. After you left Sun had a tea party with the kids. I took a rest. Chica came to say hi around closing time." Moon flipped the hood of your hoodie up.

     You pulled the hood back down and readjusted your hat. "Chica's nice, I like her."

     "What did you do at the deli today? You aren't disgusting so you must not have been in the kitchen," Moon said.

     You rolled your eyes. "Dealt with some irritating people, sliced a lot of meat and cheese, made subs, packed and served hot food. The usual."

     "You seem tense." Moon poked your shoulder.

     "That's just how I am normally. I'm a stiff person, I don't sleep well."

     Moon poked your shoulder again. "You should sleep more."

     "No time. Not to mention, it's never really restful."

     "Tell me about these bad dreams of yours," Moon said.

     "You don't wanna know."

     "If I didn't want to know, I wouldn't have asked." Moon poked you again.

     "Alright, alright." You swatted his hand away and huffed. "Usually there's a lot of fear and stress and… well, I'm hunted down and brutally murdered frequently. For the past couple months, every now and then I'll get a really vivid dream, and there's always this anthropomorphic rabbit. In the last one I had, I was in the arctic with this dog, and I loved the dog, but then the dog turned into the rabbit and started chasing me. And there was nowhere to hide in the void of snow, nowhere to run when your tracks always lead right to you… Actually, that's part of why I wasn't so psyched about you animatronics when I first started. But there doesn't seem to be any bunny animatronics here, so that's good news for me."

     "There… used to be. Until a year ago."

     "Bonnie, right? The bear guy got really upset when I asked him about Bonnie," you prompted.

     "I don't doubt it." Moon looked away. He looked sad himself, but not sad like the bear bot. Moon almost looked guilty. Moon noticed your attention on him, and his face quickly snapped into neutrality. "I'm sorry to hear about the nightmares. They sound awful. Have you spoken to a healthcare professional?"

     You laughed. "In this economy?? No way. I'm too busy anyways." You studied Moon, who still appeared neutral. "You seem tense," you said, copying what Moon had said earlier.

     Moon rolled his eyes. "I'm fine."

     You 'tsk'ed at him and stopped walking so you could give him your full attention. "Should have never told me you could lie. I might have believed that."

     "Is it too late to convince you that I am actually possessed by the souls of a hundred spiders and therefor cannot lie?" Moon started to crouch down.

     "Yes, far too late, don't you dare," you said quickly.

     Moon chuckled and straightened back up. He looked away. "…Pass."

     "Oh. Alright." If Moon didn't want to talk about it, you weren't about to make him. "Wanna go say hi to Mister Music?"

     Moon smiled. "I'd love to."

~~~

     Moon only joined you on the rounds for half the night, staying in the daycare with Sun after a short relaxing break. Moon attempted to convince you it was because he didn't want Sun to be lonely, but it was fairly obvious that he missed being with Sun just as much as Sun missed him.

     You weren't too upset, it gave you more time to think and process. What you needed was more information, preferably from some different and more reliable sources.

     As they say, however, beggars can't be choosers.

     It wasn't too surprising that you wound up getting more information from Chica. Every other conversation you had with her, she was filling you in on all the juicy gossip the pizza-plex had to offer. You weren't sure how she knew as much as she did, but she sure did know a lot.

     You'd been investigating some noise in the backroom of a gift shop (just Chica doing her thing, of course) when you'd actually found an old box full of plushies sharing the likeliness of an animatronic you hadn't met before. It was the fox guy, who was dressed like a pirate with an eyepatch and a cutlass and a long bright blue jacket. He had a clever grin and a cute little pirate hat.

     "That's Foxy! Or… it was supposed to be," Chica said. She had this look in her eye, and you knew you were in for it. Garbage forgotten, she lifted one of the plushies and turned it over in her hands.

     "Oh yeah?" you prompted eagerly.

     "So, the story is that Foxy was supposed to cover pirate cove, right? That was originally his area. But then the budget got reworked, and they couldn't afford to finish him, even though they had the area all ready to go. But a few things don't add up, right?" Chica paused.

     You were listening with rapt attention, which Chica seemed pleased with.

     Chica leaned in close and whispered. "Well, rumor has it… Foxy was already completed when they supposedly 'reworked the budget'. But he went missing, and no one knows where or how. Moon got in a lot of trouble with management, since it happened sometime in the night, on his watch. That's when they promoted Vanessa, to help with security. And then he got that bug a couple months later, and then Bonnie went missing a year ago… Moon's been on temporary dismissal since then. I was a little worried that when management hired you, they'd finally decided to permanently dismiss him, and you were his replacement… but it looks like they just had that whole separation project in the works. I'm really glad things worked out."

     "Yeah… right." You weren't sure how much weight to put in this rumor. Chica had once told you that Vanessa absolutely despised bunnies, so you weren't sure whether to trust in the accuracy of this information. You decided to take notes later anyways, just to be safe.

"Say, you sure do spend a lot of time with Sun and Moon. You hang out with them every night, right?" Chica asked.

"Maybe. Why??" You squinted at her.

"No reason~!" Chica giggled.

She got back to her trash, and you got back to your rounds.

     At the end of your shift, you clocked out and set your map on top of the minifridge, where you usually left it so you wouldn't loose it. You made it to your car, head buzzing with all sorts of disorganized thoughts and clutter and feelings. The moment you sat down, the exhaustion hit, and you took a long moment to just… sit.

     You knew it was dangerous to just sit. To be idle, to let your mind wander. Naturally, you found yourself thinking about Sun and Moon. Those ridiculous jesters… when had you gotten so attached to them? And… why?

     Maybe it was because of the way they treated you. With care and respect, like they thought you were worth something. They seemed so attached to you, and damn was the attention addicting. You felt a little pitiful, realizing just how lonely you'd been before coming to work here. Sun and Moon were so concerned with your health and your safety, the last thing either of them wanted was to hurt you.

     All things you'd been missing, longing for without realizing it.

     You thought again about how lonely you were, and why exactly that was. Could you even trust yourself? Trust your own feelings, trust that you actually did have crushes on Sun and Moon, when maybe, actually, you were just lonely and they'd given you a bit of positive attention, and now here you were, falling apart in your car in a lonely parking lot, unsure of what was real, and what was just in your head.

     You jumped at a soft knocking sound on your passenger window. You looked up through blurry twilight shadows -when had you started crying??- to see the bear bot standing just outside. You quickly wiped your face and rolled down the window.

     "Hey, superstar. Is everything alright?" the bear asked softly. He looked concerned.

     "Peachy keen." You used your sleeve to dry your eyes, doing your damndest to stop crying and relax.

     "…Would you like some company?" the bear offered.

     You hesitated for a long moment. You hated the loneliness, the horrible weight of it. You were ashamed to be crying, but… you really did not want to be alone.

     You nodded, and unlocked the door.

     The bear climbed inside, awkwardly adjusting the seat to better fit his massive bulky frame. He carefully closed the door behind him and set his hands on his knees, which were nearly touching his chest.

     "What are you doing out here anyways?" you asked.

     The bear glanced out at the shadowed building beyond the windshield, lit faintly by sparse yellow lights lining the parking lot. "Well, sometimes it can get a little… stifling. In the plex. It helps me at times to step outside and look at the stars and listen to the crickets. I technically never leave the property, so no one can complain. You walked right past me on your way to your car, and you seemed so deep in thought, I did not want to disturb you. But then you did not drive away, and I saw you were crying..."

     "I just… I dunno. I'm just tired." You folded your arms over the wheel and set your chin in your arms, partially hiding your face.

     "People usually do not cry from tiredness alone," the bear said.

     You sighed. "Why do you want to know?"

     The bear looked at you. "Because I care about you, superstar," he said sincerely.

     That did it for you. You started crying again. You started talking, and once you started, you just couldn't stop. You told the bear everything. A part of you was horribly reluctant to confide in him, to let him know things he could easily use to hurt you, but a much bigger part of you was just too tired to care. Maybe it was something about how kind and supportive the bear seemed. There was something about him that made him seem trustworthy.

     You told him about what had happened to you almost a year ago now, the events that had led you here, in need of money to stay afloat. Your fiancé had cheated on you with your friend and roommate. Your now ex-fiancé decided they didn't want to be with you anymore, even though they'd accepted your proposal, even though they'd been the one to tease and ask about when you were going to propose already, even though they'd been the one to say 'I love you' first. They hadn't even told you why, after all that time, they just suddenly didn't want you anymore. They'd lied to you about a lot of things. They weren't the person you thought they were, the person you trusted most to not hurt you. They ran off with your roommate, and you could no longer afford the place you'd been renting. Living alone was alright some days, but the days when you couldn't shake the loneliness, the empty bed, the quiet walls… some days just hit a little too hard.

     When you finally stopped and looked up at the bear, you realized with shock that he'd started crying at some point as well. Animatronics could cry, apparently.

     "Oh, Y/N. I am so truly sorry," the bear whispered.

     You weren't sure how to decipher the heavy emotion in the bear's tone. "…I don't want pity. That's the last fucking thing I need."

     "I do not feel pity for you. I feel empathy. I do not cry for you. I cry with you," the bear said.

     "Oh." You took a moment to study the bear. You saw that familiar sadness on his face, the sadness that had taken you by surprise that night he'd introduced you to DJMM and accompanied you on your rounds. "Oh. I see."

     The bear nodded. "I understand what it feels like to suddenly loose someone you love very much. It is jarring, when they are simply just… gone. There one night and gone the next, and you just do not know why, and no one has the answer. No one knows what happened to Bonnie. He just… disappeared."

     You understood, and your heart hurt. "I'm so sorry."

     The bear closed his eyes and heaved a long sigh. "It is important to remember that you are not alone. You and I, we have friends to help support us and give us company when we need it. It is also important to remember that the events and decisions of others is beyond our control. All we can control is ourselves. So long as we do our best to be our best, we will make it through okay."

     You wrapped your arms around yourself. "But… what if being my best isn't good enough? It wasn't good enough for them."

     "That is their loss, superstar. I mean it. You are a positive light in this world and I for one am lucky to know you." The bear set a hand on your shoulder.

     You smiled. "I'm gonna start crying again."

     "That is okay. Crying is a natural release of large amounts of emotion." The bear rubbed your arm comfortingly. "You do not ever need to cry alone in your car. You can always come to me if you need to, I will listen and do my best to help."

     You hesitated to accept help, but damn this bear was so fucking comforting. "…Thanks. I appreciate it. I… I feel like I shouldn't need help. Like, I should be able to take care of myself."

     "I do not doubt that you can take care of yourself. It is not difficult to tell that you are very strong and independent and resilient. I am very proud of you, superstar. You should know, things do not have to be as hard as they are. A burden becomes much lighter when you have friends to help you carry it."

     "That’s… yeah. Yeah, that makes sense." You took a deep breath and let it out. "Man. I think I really needed that. Just like, talking about it made me feel better. That's so weird."

     The bear smiled. "I am very happy to be of help. If I may offer you some more advice?"

     "Anytime."

     "Try to get some sleep. I know you work very hard, and it is important to get enough rest as well. You could wind up getting sick."

     "You sound like Moon." You rolled your eyes. "I'll try. No promises, but I'll try."

     "Thank you. I will let you get home so you can do just that. Will you be alright?" the bear asked.

     "Yeah, you know me. I'll be fine." You smiled. "Thanks."

     "Okay." The bear carefully climbed back out of the car. He paused before closing the door behind him. "Know that I think you are doing amazing, and I am very proud of you."

     "Thank you. That makes me feel nice." You did indeed feel very nice and special inside. It was so validating to be told that you were doing a good job, after all your hard work, your long days, your even longer nights.

     You waved goodbye to the bear bot and drove yourself home down familiar quiet roads. You slept a little easier that night.

~~~

     Over the next three weeks, you enjoyed shorter and fewer shifts at the deli.

     You spent your free time attempting research, but you couldn’t find anything about the old pizzeria, save for marketing campaigns and collectables and old merchandise for sale.

     You didn’t run into Vanessa, and you were starting to get the feeling she was avoiding you. Even if you came in early to your shorter shifts, Vanessa’s car was already gone. Maybe she was parking around back or down the road? You weren’t sure, and you weren’t complaining.

     The bear, on the other hand, came to check on you at least once a night. He would let you talk about how you’d been feeling and lament with you and give you advice on managing loneliness and sadness. Most of his advice was just to spend more quality time with friends and loved ones and make time to do the things you enjoy, which you supposed was still good advice, if only you had the time or energy.

     Chica came to visit the daycare often, stating how convenient it was to check in on three pals at once. Sun roped her into a tea party one night, where she gossiped about how Roxy had accidentally broken her race car, snapping the wheel clean off. Several kids had seen her do this, as she'd been in the middle of a race, and while she and everyone else was fine and uninjured, she lost the race and was extremely upset. Chica said it was nowhere near as embarrassing as when she herself had gotten a little too into the music a few days ago and had broken her guitar in the middle of a show. Luckily, the crowd had assumed it was on purpose and went wild.

     You went to Roxy’s room afterwards to check on her, but she was an inconsolable mess, so you sat with her and kept her company until she calmed down.

     Mister Music introduced you to a weird little robot he called ‘Lil Music Man’ who you got the feeling was not really management approved. He looked like a miniature version of DJMM, and was roughly the size of a cat. The little guy hid in the vents, as Mister Music explained to you. He wanted you to know, in case you ever spotted Lil Music Man on your rounds, though apparently the little guy had been crafty enough to avoid you so far. You dubbed the tiny robot Mini Man and swore to keep him a secret. He was a little creepy, but you couldn’t help but love the little guy. He was just a tiny version of DJMM, like his little brother or something. You thought it was adorable, how the DJ would dote over the little guy.

     To your pleasant surprise, Monty actually seemed to regard you as a close friend now, and was always delighted to see you. He would always tease you or, as he’d gotten into the habit of lately, would pretend to square off with you, and then before leaving he’d assure you that the next time he saw you it was on sight.

     One night, after a round of pretend fighting, you asked him if he’d run out of lightbulbs yet.

     “Not yet. Why?” Monty asked.

     “Look at me, man. I’m so fuckin small. I can only bottle up so much rage in this tiny frame, ya know?”

     Monty laughed, and the two of you ended up down in the warehouse for another round of cathartic lightbulb smashing.

     Monty told you that the journaling had been helping with his stress, but not the memory problems. He explained that he’d figured out what was causing the problems, though. He was overheating too much, and it was likely causing some internal damage. He told you he hadn’t been able to complete a recharge cycle in a long time, and his systems were suffering. You could see it yourself in the way he moved, not as fluid and confidant as he was when you’d first met him.

     “I’ve got a complete routine maintenance exam coming up in a week, though, so I’ll tell the tech and have them figure out what’s up with my sleep cycle,” Monty said.

     “That sounds good. I hope they fix the problem,” you said.

     “Me too,” Monty agreed.

     You were actually wondering how Monty was holding up, entirely lost in thought, when you felt your hat leave your head.

     Confused, you looked up from the daycare’s security desk to see Sun had set the hat on one of the rays at the top of his head. You rolled your eyes, barely containing a smile. Both Sun and Moon loved to steal your hat. You had begrudgingly come to accept this fact.

     “Howdy sunflower,” you greeted quietly.

     Moon was in the middle of a story, though it was one you’d already heard before. Today’s small bundle of kids were listening with rapt attention as Moon flawlessly transitioned from different character voices as the cast of adventurers made their plans to thwart the evil wizard’s plots.

     “Hello, dear. Watcha thinking about?” Sun leaned on the other side of the desk and smiled at you.

     “I’m not sure… my thinking cap seems to have vanished. Not a single thought in this brain,” you said.

     “Oh goodness, wherever could it have gone??” Sun put a hand up to his forehead, shielding his eyes as he looked all around for the hat, which was not only already shielding his eyes, but located atop his own head.

     “Not a clue.” You laughed.

     “Hm. I believe I recall a magic spell to make lost security hats reappear…” Sun tapped his chin thoughtfully.

     “What a convenient and specific spell,” you remarked.

     “Indeed! Now close your eyes, or the magic won’t work!”

     You gave Sun a curious look, but indulged him and closed your eyes.

     “No peeking!” Sun warned.

     You smiled and put your hands over your eyes, ensuring that you were not peeking.

     “Zip zippity… hat zaloo!” Sun exclaimed. “Here we are! You can look now.”

     You uncovered your eyes to see your hat sitting atop the monitor, Sun’s beaming face just behind it. You had an eyebrow raised and were about to make a comment on ‘hat zaloo’ when you realized there were now pins on the hat. Two of them, made of cardboard and paint and safety pins and no small amount of glitter glue. One was a simple little scene in a circular boundary, featuring a beach and an ocean and a big bright sun hanging high in the sky. The other was also in a circular boundary, but contained a crescent moon instead, with a little sheriff badge at its center.

     “Oh, what…?” You lifted the hat and studied the pins closely. “Where did these come from??”

     Sun was bouncing up and down with excitement. “Moon and I made them for you!”

     You gasped. “Wait, really?? These are for me?” You looked at the pins again. You could clearly see which pin was from who. “Aw, you didn’t have to do that!”

     “Sun! You were supposed to wait till nap time.” Moon quietly stalked over, leaving a pile of napping kids behind him.

     “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t wait.” Sun smiled sheepishly. “We’ve been waiting to give them to you all day, Y/N.”

     “Yes. We made them this morning and apparently a few hours was too much to ask of Sun.” Moon rolled his eyes.

     “You’re the one who gave them both to me for safekeeping! You know how impatient I am,” Sun said.

     You interrupted their squabbling. “Guys… I love these. They’re so nice. I cant believe you made these for me… thank you.” You beamed at Sun and Moon.

     Sun and Moon both smiled.

     “Of course, sunshine! I know they’re sort of poor quality, but they’ve got a lot of love in them!”

     “Sorry they’re not better. We wanted to make actual nice glossy pins, but we don’t have the right materials for that,” Moon fidgeted and glanced at Sun.

     You stood up and took a hand each, one of Sun’s, and one of Moon’s. “These are the sweetest gifts I've ever received. I will treasure them dearly. Than you so much.”

     Sun swayed happily while Moon tugged his nightcap over his eyes.

     You sneezed, with enough sudden force to send you backwards into your chair. Moon and Sun glanced back at the kids, but luckily the noise hadn’t woken any of them.

     “Ugh! That’s it, i’m cleaning this desk.” You stepped out from behind the desk and headed to the supply closet.

     “Oh thank goodness,” Sun whispered. “What did we ever do to deserve you, Y/N?”

     You put your fists on your hips and assumed a heroic stance. “Just doing my duty, citizen.”

     “Heh… duty.” Moon grinned at you.

     “Oh so that’s funny but actual jokes with clever puns aren’t?” You made it back to the desk, cleaning supplies in hand.

     "We hang out with kids all day, what do you expect? Also, puns are not funny, they're annoying." Moon folded his arms.

     "You're annoying," Sun shot back.

     The two continued to bicker as you wiped down the desk and started sorting through the drawers, putting away loose papers and random office supplies.

     "Hey, it's bear guy!" You pulled a replica of the bear bot's head out of one of the drawers. It was small enough to fit in your hand. "What is this, a paperweight?"

     Sun leaned over the desk to see what you were holding. "Oh, boop the nose!"

     You did so, and were rewarded with a fun little congratulatory sound effect as the tiny bear's mouth opened, revealing a shiny card inside. 'Security Clearance Level 3' was printed on the card's surface.

     "Before they came out with those fancy new watches, they used to have these cards that would unlock doors and such. Staff were required to carry around cards up to their approved security clearance level in order to access different areas of the building. It was very cumbersome, and people kept loosing cards, so they came out with the watches and stored the cards in the security desks around the plex instead, as a backup in case the watches malfunctioned," Sun explained.

     "So wait. Different doors needed different level cards to unlock them?" you questioned.

     Sun nodded. "That's right!"

     "That's so inconvenient. Why not just have one card that unlocks all the doors?" You scowled down at the card.

     "Probably to keep certain employees from accessing certain areas." Sun shrugged.

     You closed the card back in its bear bot head holder and set it on the desk after a moment of consideration. It was kinda cute.

"Wait... you keep calling him 'bear guy'. Y/N... do you not know his name??" Moon questioned.

Fuck. Shit. You'd been found out. "Uh. I know it! It's just. Um. 'Bear guy' is just like a nickname."

Moon and sun both shared a disbelieving look. Curse your horrible lying skills.

"Then what's his name?" Sun asked.

"Uh..... Frank?" You winced. You knew that wasn't right.

Sun giggled, and Moon put a hand over his enormous grin. Your face felt hot, and you crossed your arms.

"Well, what is it?? I can't just ask him. I've known him for months now!" You huffed.

Sun and Moon shared another look.

"...You're not gonna tell me, are you." You sighed.

"It's more fun this way." Moon snickered.

"Whatever." You stuck your tongue out at them and busied yourself with finishing up the cleaning. There wasn't much cleaning left to do, but luckily Sun offered a change of topic.

     "Wanna see a trick I can do with your watch?" Sun asked.

     "Sure?" You looked at your watch curiously.

     A smiling sun emoticon popped up on the screen, spun around, then vanished.

     "How'd you do that??" you asked.

     Sun smiled. "A magician never reveals his secrets!"

     "Since he's not in safe mode he's on the system, which means he can connect to your watch, since it's also on the system," Moon explained.

     Sun gave Moon a sour look.

     "What is… the system?" You asked carefully, feeling like the question was dumb. You could only handle so much embarrassment in a day.

     "The system is what everything here runs on. Every machine and animatronic and bot is linked to it, so everything runs as smoothly as possible," Sun said patiently.

     Moon chimed in. "It's sort of like wifi, or the radio. Signals are transmitted through the air that tell the security bots where to patrol, receive updates, send information back to management in their offices. It’s a very small and secure radius, it covers the plex and nothing more. We can connect to the internet if we want to, but usually we don't want to. The ads are annoying."

     "Speaking of that, I've been doing a little bit of research!" Sun straightened up and looked at you.

     "Uh oh. What's that look?" You squinted suspiciously.

     Sun lifted a finger in the air, as if he were about to give a lecture. "Did you know that its recommended that you should consume no more than four hundred milligrams of caffeine a day? Are you aware that each one of your energy drinks contains three hundred and fifty milligrams of caffeine?"

     You glanced at the empty energy drink on the desk. You'd finished it earlier. These days, you were downing at least three a day.

     Sun continued. "Side effects of drinking energy drinks can include and are not limited to upset stomach, leg weakness, heart palpitations, being jittery, nervousness, agitation, difficulty concentrating, hyperactivity, problems sleeping, nausea, and can affect your blood pressure."

     "Huh." You picked up the empty can and studied it. Sure enough, you found a little line of text near the bottom reading 'contains 350 mg of caffeine'. "Well. Thanks for telling me."

     Sun gasped. "So you'll stop drinking those??"

     You smiled sheepishly. "…Thanks for telling me so I can make informed bad decisions."

     Sun sighed heavily and set his faceplate down on the desk.

     "Dove, listen. We only bug you about this because we care about you. We want you to be healthy and happy," Moon said.

Sun lifted his head and nodded in agreement.

     You looked at them. The care in their eyes was apparent, you could feel it yourself for them. Your heart felt funny.

"I didn't want to have to do this… but I'm cashing in my favor," Sun said firmly.

     "Huh??"

     "I did you a favor a long while ago, and you promised that you would owe me one. Y/N, you have to try to quit drinking energy drinks," Sun said, folding his arms.

     Well, you did owe him one. You weren't about to go back on your word. Besides, Sun and Moon were both looking at you, and it was still making your heart feel funny. You sighed. "Alright, alright. I'll try to quit."

     Sun and Moon shared a delighted expression.

     "That's wonderful! I'm so proud of you, Y/N." Sun swayed happily.

     "We'll help you any way we can," Moon said.

     "Thanks, guys." You tossed the can in the trash.

     This wouldn't be too hard. Its not like you needed the energy drinks, they just helped you stay on top of your game. You'd be fine. Besides, it was important to Sun and Moon, and you were starting to realize that you'd do just about anything for them.

~~~

     "This is the worst. I'm in hell. Pain and suffering and misery." You set your head against the wall. The drowsiness instantly began to set in, so you quickly lifted your head.

     "You're doing great," Moon said. He looked amused.

"I am in misery," you sang, tiredly kicking at the wall for good measure.

"Oh, it's not so bad, you pitiful canary." Moon lightly pulled at your sleeve.

     You turned to face Moon, leaning sideways against the wall. "I can't believe you stole all my energy drinks from the mini fridge. Where'd you put em, huh?" you demanded.

     "Trash."

     You gaped at Moon. "Trash???"

     "Trash." Moon nodded. "They're gone forever."

     "…I mean, not really. I've still got some at home," you said.

     "I know where you live," Moon stated casually.

     "I'll just buy more from the store!"

     "I'll steal all of them from the store," Moon said.

     "I thought yall didn't like stealing?" You raised an eyebrow.

     "Stealing is prohibited in the daycare. The store is not in the daycare." Moon gave you a cheeky smile.

     "Ugh, this is ridiculous. I'm gonna pass out, man. I'm so tired." You trudged on through the plex, doing your best to make it through the rounds. This was your third night energy drink free, and the withdrawal was slowly killing you, although it was admittedly better than yesterday.

     "Take a nap."

     "I'm at work!"

     "You don't get enough sleep," Moon said.

     "I don't like sleeping," you grumbled. "Moon, I've got the worst headache and I'm so tiiiiiiired."

     "I'll finish the rounds. You take a nap," Moon offered.

     "I'm supposed to be supervising you. You're still a deputy for another two days." You stuck your tongue out at Moon.

     "I feel fine. Omari was right, the problem vanished as soon as Sun and I were separated," Moon argued.

     "Well I still don't wanna loose my job." You fiddled with your watch, checking the cameras. You paused as you realized something. "Hey… there's still coffee in the breakroom, right?"

     "…No," Moon lied.

     You casually and quickly altered course, making a beeline for the breakroom. You got five steps before Moon caught you, lifting you up off the ground.

     "Moon, common," you whined. "I'm dyinggg!"

     "Stop being so dramatic. You're fine." Moon rolled his eyes. "You're going through withdrawal."

     "I know and it sucks."

     Moon turned around and set you down, standing between you and the hall to the breakroom.

     "You can do this, dove. Let's finish the rounds," Moon said.

     You sighed heavily but complied, dragging your feet.

     When you made it back to the daycare, you decided to try your luck with Sun instead.

     "Sunflower!" you called cheerfully as you entered with Moon.

     Sun jumped, snapping the pen he was drawing with. "Oh dear." He scowled at the mess of ink on his hand and the paper.

     "Sorry, didn't mean to spook you," you said, patting Sun's shoulder. "Here, I'll help you clean." You went to retrieve the wipes from the supply closet.

     "It's alright dear. I've been a little extra reactive lately." Sun sighed and studied his ruined drawing.

     "Looks like a flock of birds," Moon said, tilting his head as he studied the paper.

     "It was supposed to be a lighthouse by the ocean," Sun whined.

     "Maybe the birds can be seagulls?" you offered, sitting down next to Sun. You took his hand, then frowned as you realized the metal was a lot warmer than usual. "Sun, do you need to get to a recharge station?"

     "No, I took a rest earlier when you first left with Moon," Sun said.

     You put a hand to Sun's faceplate. Sun smiled and leaned into your hand, but you were too concerned to really notice.

     "You're pretty warm," you said.

     "Of course I am! I'm a sun, after all." Sun giggled.

     "Hmm." You took Sun's hand again and started wiping off the ink.

     Moon studied Sun suspiciously. "How long did your rest cycle last?"

     "…Fifteen minutes," Sun answered. He sighed. "I haven't been able to finish a cycle in a while. I think there was a minor bug in one of the latest updates. It'll get patched out in no time, I'm sure!"

     "Monty's been having some trouble with that as well. Maybe it is an update bug. Yall said you all get updates together through the system right?" you asked.

     "Yes, but I've been getting updates same as everyone else and I've been feeling fine," Moon said. "No issues whatsoever."

     "Hmm. Maybe it was something that happened during the separation?" you wondered.

     "Maybe. I'm sure it'll get patched soon," Sun assured.

     You finished cleaning the ink off of Sun's hand. "There you are. Good as new!"

     Sun wiggled his fingers, then booped your nose. "Thank you, sunshine."

     You smiled. You looked at Sun, then at the ink stained wipe in your hands. You thought about what these two had come to mean to you. You were honestly happier than you'd been in ages. You were also terrified of loosing them, but you put that thought out of mind for now.

     "What are you thinking about, dear?" Sun asked, tilting his head to the left.

     Moon also tilted his head, tilting to the right instead of the left. The pair of them looked adorable, and you smiled.

     "Just uh… ya know. How nice things are for me right now. How horrible things were a while ago. Loss, and… gain," you said.

     "Mm yes. That makes a lot of sense. Not mysterious at all," Moon said.

     You rolled your eyes. "It's complicated." Also, elaborating would require you to admit some things to them that you were not at all ready to admit yet. You weren't sure if you would ever be. "Just, like… maybe I haven't moved on from loss yet, but maybe I'm… moving forward. Taking steps in the right direction. I dunno, I'm feeling and doing better, and yall are to blame."

     "Thank you?" Sun laughed. "I'm glad we can be of help."

     "Let us know if there's anything else we can do. Anything you want from us," Moon said.

     "…I sure would love an energy drink," you said.

     "No," both Sun and Moon said simultaneously.

     You groaned and set your head down on the table. "Ain't no rest for the wicked."

[namelessthirst]

Lost and Found

[Part 3 of the human/monster series! This took me a bit to finish, felt a little burnout toward the end, but I hope it didn’t end up sounding clunky. :P

Werewolf!Bakugo Katsuki x Reader, and minor Ghost!Izuku Midoriya x Reader

Ao3

3k and some change

Childhood Friends to Lovers, Relationship Building, Still no real shipping I promise we’ll get there eventually!]

It was surprisingly easy, to settle into this new home.

Well, it wasn't his home, Katsuki reminded himself. Even as he stirred warmly in unfamiliar blankets, the morning light peering through the window painting his clean hair a sparkling gold. His nose was filled with someone not of his own, but it was getting there.

You lay tight under the covers, wrapped snugly against him, your heads laid close till nose tips kissed. This had become habit over the last few days.

As had the morning ritual of wiping his smell off on you, pressing cheeks and face to wake you. The smell of the bath having worn in place of his own scent, now untainted by dirt and struggle.

The room had slowly started to take on the effect, your bed and toys primarily.

It might have taken longer, under normal circumstances, but he'd gotten a bit... over eager, after a small mishap when you'd gone out with your mother on some weekend errands.

He hated having to stay behind, but he couldn't well join you- between his clearly inhuman appearance, the secret of his presence, and his still aching foot.

It wasn't so bad the first time, just boring, though it had given him time to investigate your room without knowing you were watching him limp around.

But after a bit...He had to eat down the whines that tried to slip out each time you said your mother was taking you somewhere.

He'd begun keeping close to the window, listening for the strange sound of the machine you left in, for its door and your voice. Each time he caught it, he raced to the bedroom door, sitting and waiting for your arrival, your steps up the stairs and down the hall, his tail a whirl.

It was often that you brought something home from your little outings with your mother- sometimes something interesting from the floor of the craft store that had fallen from a package or damaged item; a flower or pretty leaf plucked from the ground somewhere; or a treat you'd stolen from the grocery bag to bring up to him.

Once, however, you brought something else.

In you came, happy and carrying some interesting little shiny thing that you found on the ground somewhere, and the distinct smell of some strange mutt.

His shift toward you stalled, as did his tail, his nose wrinkling in the unfamiliar odor.

At his barking request, you mentioned that on the way home, someone was walking their dog and it was very cute and you had to stop and pet it!

He'd quickly shoved you toward the bathroom, demanding you wash up and get rid of that smell. In the meantime, he might have gotten a tad worked up and fiercely rubbed every ounce of his mark on your things.

You were given the same treatment, once you'd returned cleaner with the smell of soap on you. For once it was preferable.

It was then when Katsuki started to look a bit more closely at why he treated you like he did. He didn't make it very far, treading on things he didn't quite know how to name. It didn't stop him from pressing on as he had been, relishing the morning greetings, your company and growing familiarity, how sometimes you needed him even while he was vulnerable and weakened.

A stray nightmare, wrinkling your brow and drawing distressed pleas from you in your sleep, the fear never having long to sink in before his ears caught your discomfort and he sleepily tucked you closer, scratching his claws in your hair where your ears should be, just as his mom did.

When the distant thunder came one night, your hands clamped over your ears as you hid under the covers and curled in tight to yourself, his chin nestled atop your head and his arms wrapped protectively around you as he fought the irrational urge to growl and snap at the flashing sky.

The afternoon when you came home from 'Sunday School' with torn panty-hose and a raw cheek from where you skidded across the gravel parking lot in your attempt to run eagerly to the car, eyes puffy from abandoned tears. Your knee had already been treated, the smell of antiseptic not quite masking the scent of your blood. He'd sat you down in your puffy white dress and didn't let you up for a good while until he was satisfied with his cleaning on your cheek. You'd fussed just as he did when his mom took care of his scrapes with her warm tongue.

Even the little moments, when you were tired and would lean on him, ready for naptime; when he'd spend the minutes it took you to really wake up in the morning picking blanket fuzz from your hair; how you started to pick up on his habits, startling him when you started to rub up on him just as he'd done.

The first time you called him by his favorite nickname.

But even as long and gentle as the days were, it had to come to an end at some point.

You and Katsuki were play-fighting after he pouted at your suggestion of playing dress-up and you asked him what doggies did for fun.

He was sure to be careful, minding his claws and teeth as he tussled about with you. He still couldn't resist catching your cheek against his teeth, not quite biting down, but the nip still left slight dents in your soft skin.

When he sat perched atop you, having had no intention of letting you win, his tail beat against you as he reveled in his victory.

"Suki ge'off!" You whined.

You whined louder when his response was to flip all your hair forward into your face, kicking your feet against the floor in a huff.

He did finally let you up though, offering you a hand from where he stood crouched beside you. He would come to regret it not long after.

You took it, but not without pause.

"Your foot!"

His ear twitched, squeezing your hand tight as he realized he'd let slip the truth.

His foot had been better for several days. The act of keeping the limp and letting you help hold him up had been just too appealing. He didn't want to leave.

He said little while you began planning how to sneak out with him, of how to go find his family.

A backpack filled with goodies to eat on the way, a flashlight, and of course the pretty porcelain bowl to have him eat out of.

He could have just used his hands, but didn't question your motives, more distracted by the anxiety that plagued him.

You both were just pups. Wandering out into the night alone in search of both comfort, for him, and danger, for you.

Would his parents have even stuck around this long? Would they have left, assuming he'd become some beast's snack somewhere? Would they have left when they caught his scent so close to humans? Were they angry with him? Disappointed?

The grip of your hand as you stole away with him in the night only alleviated the pressure some, but it was enough.

It'd been shockingly easy for you to slip out, using the door furthest from your parent's room once they'd retired for the night. Not even a peep, or a light turned on in your wake. Katsuki really didn't care for how absent they were.

The cold earth under his bare feet felt almost new, after having been tucked away inside for so long. You'd tried to suggest he wear shoes, or socks at least, but this was natural for him.

It felt good to be out in the night air again, even if he usually only felt it from the breeze carried into his family's nest.

He couldn't run like he usually would, not with you in tow, but progress was progress. You'd hoped aloud that you'd be able to find his family before dawn came, unknowing of his lack of worry over that detail at least.

Deeper and deeper you walked, your hands cold once he'd abandoned them in favor of moving low to the ground, keeping his nose out for any trail he could pick up. The light of the moon through the breaks in the canopy your only guide for now, trying to save the flashlight until you really needed it, and at Katsuki's urging that it could attract unwanted attention.

You couldn't see the edge of the forest anymore, where you'd stepped in from the tip of your yard. Yet, strangely, you felt at peace. It was chilly, sure, but the sound of the wind and the game of peeka-boo you played with the sky was relaxing, enchanting even. You almost never got to stay out after dark.

Your eyes were glued to the sky, even as you followed closely to Katsuki, so lulled by the sparkle of stars that you didn't notice the light spreading wide from between the trees.

"I thought I said to keep the light stick off?" Katsuki huffed, nose to the ground.

Your head snapped to him, now catching the glint in your own eyes. Your hands gripped onto the white cotton on his back and he looked up, following your gaze to the source of light that was most definitely not you.

A lantern, flickering and bright, once held aloft by a gentle hand, lowered. You caught the twinkle of emerald eyes.

"It’s you!"

Katsuki's growl stuttered at your outburst, his back pressed close to you with his fangs and claws bared in warning.

Izuku peered at the children caught in the glow of his light, mouth agape and brows furrowed.

You tugged on Katsuki's shirt with a smile, "I saw him at the craft store! Mommy said I made him up, but I didn't, see? He's still flying and everything!"

Your rambling earned only a confused and vaguely disgruntled glare from him, while Izuku inched just a bit closer to look curiously.

You really were the same little girl that spotted him that day. Only this time, you held close not to your mother's leg, but instead to...to a werewolf pup?

"How... How can you even see me?" he muttered to himself. Humans weren't supposed to see him. You were clearly human, even with the pup next to you, lowly explaining just what Izuku was.

"A ghost?"

The pup grunted as you continued to stare wide-eyed at Izuku, clearly unperturbed by the news.

"What are you doing out here?" Now wasn't the time to evaluate just how it was that you could see him, not with two kids wandering the forest alone. "It's dangerous here at night!"

Katsuki huffed, "Duh, obviously."

"We're looking for his mommy and daddy!" you chirped, Katsuki giving you an incredulous look.

Were you really just blurting out all your business? To a stranger? Let alone a ghost?

Ghosts were supposedly unpredictable, and often easy to upset. They were not something you were supposed to just...chat with!

Izuku was well aware of the tales told of him and his, and was just as surprised at your comfort in answering.

"His...parents."

"Yeah! Have you seen them?"

"We don't need his help!" Katsuki barked.

"But what if he's seen them? Then we could get you home faster!" you reasoned. Surely it couldn't hurt.

Izuku was already quite unwilling to let you two alone, even if it meant following in secret. Luckily, he wouldn't have to.

"I have...I've seen some adult werewolves recently, yes." He started in the direction of where he'd seen them last in his wanderings. He paused when he only started to hear one set of footsteps follow, seeing the werewolf pup giving him a cold stare even through the dim.

He obviously didn't trust him. But with your goading, hand waving at him, empty and chilled, he came.

Izuku felt the corners of his mouth turn up at the scene, more so when you wiggled your hand up at his empty one. He set his feet on the grass, deciding it'd be more polite to walk with the living, and it let his hand low enough to take yours in it as he led you both on, the light in his other hand cutting the darkness easily.

Between his guiding light and Katsuki's sensitive nose, it took not long at all to catch the snarls of startled werewolves.

Katsuki shoved in front, meeting the noise with his mimicry before the adult's cut out abruptly.

Out they came from the brush, eyes wide and cautious, Katsuki's parents.

His throat tilted into a whine at the sight, slipping from your hand and bounding eagerly into their embrace, tail a blur. Kisses and light inspections were given, for once all without a fuss from their son.

It took a grinning giggle from you as you watched him so gleefully lean into their petting for the parents to notice once more, that their son was not the only one who came to them.

"I see you didn't find us alone," His mother said as he finally began to wiggle free of the affection after catching you watching, "Thank you, stranger."

Mitsuki knew quite well of the usual temperamentality of spirits, though she didn't see any of it in the eyes of this one.

Izuku smiled timidly at her, "It uh, it's no trouble," he said, earning a grateful look from the father.

Just as Katsuki came back to you, Mitsuki perked up, "We were so worried. We found your trail leading toward humans and...Well. We shouldn't have, you clearly did just fine on your own."

Your gaze was pulled from the affectionate smile on Katsuki's face, instead being held out toward his mother in a large, clawed hand. She squished your cheeks and turned your face here and there, "I won't deny you your treat, not after all this, but you can't eat her all at once, alright? You'll make yourself sick."

Your eyes grew wide, the feeling of your stomach dropping pulling a hissing gasp from your throat.

Izuku had a similar look of horror on his own face, mouth agape.

Katsuki looked between you and his mother, having known well what bringing you near them would result in, "Mom!"

"Really dear, how did you get her this far so well? There's barely a scratch on her!" The look in Mitsuki's eyes had your own tearing up, your grip tight in Izuku's hand.

"But Mom-!"

"No, listen, I know you've been through an ordeal right now, but I'm not budging on it. If you eat too much you'll puke all night and it'll be wast-!" Mitsuki drew her hand back from the snapping jaws of her son, looking on in shock as he pressed close to you, arms tight and fangs bared with a rumble to his voice far from the playful one he'd used before.

"She's not food!" The salty sting of your tears in his nose made him shift restlessly closer, "She's mine and I'm keeping her!"

Even as you stayed fearfully hidden in his embrace, you couldn't help but whip your head to him, just as startled by his sudden claim.

Things were moving so fast suddenly, Izuku could barely keep up, eyes darting between you, the pup, and his parent's. At least the threat of death had dissipated, snuffed out quickly by Katsuki's insistent display. It was endearing, if not a bit misguided.

Your thoughts were spoken for you, Mitsuki's tone soft, "Katsuki...She can't stay."

"We aren't going to eat her!"

She put her hands up, shifting back from his defensive posturing, "I understand. She won't be a meal. But we still can't keep her."

He relaxed only a bit, even with his brows furrowed, "Why not? She's mine and I'll take care of her!" It was so simple to him. You'd stay, and he'd care for you, protect you, treat you as your own family should have. Something else nagged at him, in the back of his mind, that felt uncomfortable to examine just yet, but still it served as a distant sense that he had to keep you close.

"Honey...Her home is with the humans. That's where she belongs."

Izuku looked aside, knowing well how true it was, and what it meant for you two.

"Suki?"

Mouth pulled down tight, he looked at you, his cheek damp where you nuzzled into him, "I can't stay. I gotta go home too. Mommy and Daddy would miss me a lot if I left, so..."

Katsuki hid his wobbling lip against your hair, the rush and emotions piled high from tonight and the past few days catching up with him at last.

"So, we'll just have play dates! Okay? We can play and-"

"No. Human...Our kind don't stick around in the same place often. We are only here now, because our pup was lost. We'll be leaving soon..."

Now it was your turn to look at the mother, a begging expression that betrayed it's hope of reconsideration.

"Dear, why don't we give them some space, to say goodbye?" The fathers voice was gentle, quiet and sorrowful in understanding.

Mitsuki nodded, following her mate's pull back beyond the hedge, knowing well their son wouldn't speak truthfully with an audience.

Izuku drifted off behind a tree, trying to be just as polite even as he hesitated to stray far, knowing well he'd need to lead you home.

For a moment, there was just the wind. The cooling autumn breeze and warm arms.

Katsuki knew how his family moved, following the food and season as they pleased. It wasn't unlike your own situation, not that you'd ever explained it, holding onto the hope that this time...Maybe this time you'd get to stay with the bond you'd made.

"You won't forget me, right?" Your words were muffled by his desperate rubbing, trying so hard to keep you his even if he couldn't keep you truly.

"I won't. You won't forget me either," though it came out as a demand, you nodded in agreement all the same.

The goodbye wasn't nearly long enough, but you had to part ways at some point. He knew this, even through the ache of looking over his shoulder, watching your teary smile disappear behind the brush as he followed his parents away. His hands clutched tight around the bowl you'd shoved into his chest, your claim that he should keep it since it he liked it so much barely making it out past your sniffling. He thought it silly, how you assumed it was the bowl and not the offerings placed in it. But it didn't matter, he'd keep it all the same.

And when he finally made it back to the hide, being put down to rest for a while before he'd leave here with his family, he was thankful that no one would know how much he cried that night.

You weren't in much of a better state, your feet dragging across the damp ground as Izuku led you back toward home.

Eventually you'd given up, letting your tired grip pull him to a stop to question what was wrong, before you tried listlessly to climb onto him, a silent plea to be held.

He obliged, feeling much for your sorry situation. Besides, the trip would be faster when he could float along.

His arms weren't warm, but they were solid enough and you were content to lay your head against his pale cloak. Your tears wouldn't stain at least, a benefit of his clothes not being technically real.

Sneaking back into your home was far easier with a ghost's help, you found. Izuku easily opened your bedroom window, once you'd pointed it out, and carried you in through it. No need for hoping you'd remembered to leave the back door unlocked when you left.

Getting you ready for rest was a quiet process. Taking off your muddy shoes and setting your backpack aside, letting you know softly that he would get you a cup of water as you sat desolate on your bed.

By the time he returned you were dressed neatly for bed, though tonight the loom of empty space in it sat cold in you.

You drank, taking hold of his covering as you did, "Stay?"

Izuku was no stranger to loneliness, the ache in his chest familiar as he read it all over your face.

So he did.

It was different from sharing with Katsuki, the bed edging on too small for him, but he seemed to mind it little while he stroked your hair, easing the much less emotional ache in your head.

"Whats your name?"

"It's...Izuku."

He barely caught your name from you as you drifted off, heavy with deja vu.

In the waning light of the moon, you didn't dream that night.

[polar-stars]

🛑 Takara/Takayuki, ☠️ Hironori/Moe, 🎉 Keiko/Yasu (this sounds like a fun duo to me) :3

I hope you’ll like it and that I will do alright ovo;; (once I was home, I listened to a Calming Pokemon OST Compilation, hoping it would give me strength for you to like it)

For the first one, the idea is honestly by Kana ( @yourmoontothenightsky​ ) ahdhd I just couldn’t get it out of my head anymore, so kudos to her for that

Stop my muse from doing something reckless - Takara/Takayuki

“And?” Takayuki made an attempt on an unbothered voice, probably in hope to achieve the impression that he was completely sure on what the answer would be. But Takara did not fail to hear the hint of genuine curiosity in it.

She had currently taken a bite of the Xiaolongbao, a type of Chinese dumpling, he had brought her as the two were walking through the hallways of Totsuki. 

It tasted great. It was warm enough to heat her up a bit but not burn her tongue. The meat-filling was prepared well and also seasoned excellently. And mind you, when it came to meat Takara most certainly knew what she was talking about. 

However, she did not want to boost his ego all too soon and so she took a few more bites, putting up an extra critical act. She practically felt him getting all tense and impatient next to him. Internally she tried calculating how long it would take for him to spat something impolite. 

Finally right when he was about to open his mouth, she said. “It’s good, I guess.”

“Rea- I mean…Of course it is.” Takayuki retorted then, while crossing his arms. “You could have just fucking said it outright though, instead of that haughty performance!” 

Takara’s brows furrowed. “Excuse me?” Who was he of all people calling haughty, huh? Takayuki only huffed. “You heard me.” 

A “hmpf” escaped Takara. She’d show that angry rage-ball who truly was the Primadonna of the two. Wanna bet he’d take over an hour to praise her work, hardass tsundere he was? 

“Let’s get into one of the kitchens, I’ve got a pasta-dish to show you.” She therefore spoke challengingly. Takayuki took note of the competitive tone and was quick to respond. “PFAH, Fine by me. Though I hope you won’t feel sad when it fails to reach my leve-“ He suddenly was cut off as one of the students passing by, practically ran into him in their hectic. And being in such a hurry, the person had also already rushed past Takayuki when he was still trying to recollect himself. As he turned his head to the side to inspect who it was that crushed into him, all he saw was a bit of green hair flowing past him. 

Instantly, everything in Takayuki was triggered. 

He knew that shade of green. 

And he associated it with one particular, overly arrogant dickwad who was always looking for trouble. 

Just like he was often quick to talk, Takayuki was also quick to act. Sometimes too quick. Like in this particular situation for example, when his blood was boiling and his brain not working fast enough to satisfy it. 

He swirled around, reached out to grab the person behind him and raised a fist in the process. “YOU MOTHERFUCKING DOUCHEBAG!” 

Before his balled fist could fly however, Takara next to him was quick to get a hold of his shoulder and also said fist. Stopping his actions immediately. “You dumbass! What do you think you’re doing?!” She yelled. 

He shifted his attention to her, responding in equally loud manner. “I am about to punch a bitch!” “You’re about to punch Tori-senpai!” Takara corrected immediately, making Takayuki snap out of his rage as confusion spread on his face. 

He turned his head again and indeed, the one he faced was not the tall, male with his typical condescending smirk that jeered insults often beginning with “mid-” and ending with “-get”. No, the one he was facing was not even a male to begin with but a teenage girl, looking fairly irritated. 

After two more confused blinks, Takayuki finally let go of grabbing the upperclassman while also lowering his fist. 

“May I ask what that was about?” Tori raised an eyebrow, her voice cold. All Takayuki said in response was. “I….Sorry, I thought you were Eizan Shigeo.” This statement only seemed to make matters worse however, as Tori’s face visibly darkened and she spat. “You thought I was who?!” She sounded utterly disgusted. Not that Takayuki could blame her. 

“Again…sorry.” Takayuki muttered and looked to the side. Tori’s blue eyes narrowed for a second before she turned around and walked on, still having things to attend to. “Maybe you need to check out an ophthalmologist.” 

Takara couldn’t help but sigh, knowing that of course Takayuki could not just ignore that statement. She began shaking her head, as he roared. “Hey! Its not my fucking fault that you two share partly the same genes, aight?!”

Tori only turned her head. Her voice was pure frost. 

“Die.”

“THATS SOMETHING THAT THIS FUCKER ALSO SAYS ALL THE-!” 

Takara had enough and got a harsh hold of Takayuki’s shoulder again, pulling him away. 

Protect my muse - Moe/Hironori

(Honestly “Moe being in trouble” is still something I gotta practice writing, so thanks for the request actually :0 ! It will possibly be a bit clunky though)

Moe Saito was barely ever in trouble. 

She was close to quite a few dangerous and dreaded personas. No one in their right mind would actively try to land on the radar of Shigeo Eizan and all of his dangerous schemes, which is why there was barely anyone who would dare to harm one of the rare non-familar-related persons he actually truly cared for.  

Having invisible protection around her at pretty much every given time, Moe was therefore inexperienced how to behave in any sort of racy situations. 

Situations like the one she was in right now. 

“You’re so cute, Moe-Moe. Did anyone ever tell you?” A classmate had gotten a hold of her hands, while simultaneously attempting to pull her closer to him. Moe tried walking backwards, not liking his grip in any way. “A lot of people did.” She responded in her usual dry manner, but if one was to listen closely, one could hear the slight shiver in her voice. 

She looked around the empty classroom, a desperate attempt to spot any familiar face of Shigeo’s associates who usually were always so near. But hopeless. The only thing near to her now, was the wall behind her. The male who still held onto her hands had now given up trying to pull her towards him but rather supported her backwards-approach, in hope he could close the space between them once she had her back to the wall. 

“Can I call you just Moe? Can I?” He smiled, though Moe felt no warmth or friendliness coming from it. It was rather creepy. 

“That wouldn’t be very polite.” She retorted. 

“And such a pretty ribbon you got.” The male merely continued calmly. Moe’s insides were thrown in turmoil when she saw the hand reaching out for her most precious, dotted ribbon. “Can I look at it in detail?”

-

Hironori was just strolling through the school as he suddenly heard a few underclassman eagerly chat near an opened classroom in an otherwise empty hallway. 

“He’s really doing it, huh?” “He’s got guts indeed.” 

Hironori hid behind a wall, a little curious on what this was about. Did some dumbass on this school do something absolutely reckless again? Had Raijin been riding through the corridors on Shelby again?!

“Let’s see if he actually manages to get this done though. He said he wants to succeed through his ‘charms’, which he barely has being honest.” A girl argued. “I still think,… this entire thing is too crass for a truth-or-dare…” A softer voice spoke up. “…Shigeo-senpai will not blink an eye to destroy the entire life of whoever he believes of being at fault for it.”

Hironori leaned in a bit closer. With Shigeo’s name mentioned, suspicion had grown rapidly. Something was not right here. 

“But that’s exactly the idea!” Another voice spoke up. “He’ll snatch that ribbon-” Ribbon. “-and once he has it, we will smuggle it into Kawahara’s things  and once Shigeo-senpai-” Shigeo. “-will see his most precious baby girl-” Baby Girl. “-come crying to him without her most precious ribbon, that annoyance Kawahara will be gone over the night. And all it takes is Hima getting Saito Moe’s.” - Moe. 

“You disgusting cockroaches!” 

With the speed of a flash, Hironori stepped out from behind the wall, his voice being as sharp as a knife and his eyes having a dangerous fire in them. 

The group of middle schoolers flinched immediately and quite a few faces grew pale instantly. 

Utter contempt was shown in Hironori’s gaze as he looked at them. “You’re all through and through despicable and pathetic.”

He was quick to move into the direction of the classroom, just in time as he heard a familiar high-pitched voice wailing. “Don’t touch my ribbon! It was a gift!”

As he stepped into the room, he demanded. “Let go off her this instant.” 

The boy who had a crying and kicking Moe pinned to the wall, turned his head and froze instantly. 

Hironori only took a step further. His tone was cold but oh so full of warning danger. “Step away from her. Or I will decorate the room with your innards.”

This gruesome thought alone paired with such a threatening voice, sent shivers through the boy and he practically jumped away, raising his hands defensively. 

Hironori had to suppress not spitting him in the face. “Now piss off. And don’t you ever even think about stepping anywhere remotely near her ever again. Or I will find you and I will slice you worthlessness of a person into two halves.” 

That was enough for the boy and he ran out of the room immediately. 

Once the sounds of his hurried footsteps that most certainly feared for their lives vanished, Hironori turned his head to Moe, still shivering at the wall, her usually so unbothered and calm face full of tears.

“Moe-” He began, but then the much more shorter girl ran towards him, crashed into his legs making him stumble a bit backwards, pulled her arms around said legs and buried her crying face into them. 

“…Thank you, Nii-chan.” She sobbed, barely audible. 

He looked her for a few seconds, before he patted her head, careful to not distort her ribbon. 

“But of course.” 

For a hug filled with laughter - Yasu/Keiko

“There’s two major ways to interpret the beginning of World War I.” Keiko explained happily, while stuffing the smoked cheese Yasu had prepared into her mouth. “There’s positions who blame the entirety on Germany and Austria but there’s also people who say that all of them were dummy-dums for such a long time and that the situation was so overcooked that a war was basically inevitable. It just needed one event to finally let everything overbuilt and said event happened to be the shots in Sarajevo!”

“Ah..” Yasu responded while taking his notes. He had to write an essay on the war guilt for World War I tomorrow and had asked Keiko for help. 

He always liked Chieko’s help as well, but he had to admit that it was a nice change to be taught something without a few occasional eye-rolls and all-too-typical complains. 

“At the time, the entire guilt was put on Germany with the treaty of Versailles. Which did most definitely plague the young Republic in many ways!” Keiko continued. 

Yasu gave a slight nod. “I see….” He finished the last sentence he had been writing and looked up into Keiko’s radiating, teal-colored eyes. “Well, thank you a lot, Keiko-chan. This will all be very helpful.”

A jolly laughter emerged from his companion and out of the sudden Yasu had arms wrapping around him. “But of course, Ya-kun! It was a pleasure! I love it when people ask me stuff! It’s always a joy!” 

For a few seconds he sat still, a bit overwhelmed by the enthusiasm, while Keiko still giggled. 

Then he began lightly patting her back. 

[orionsangel86]

14x02 - Episode Review - Without the Bells and Whistles

Bucklemming colour me impressed. This episode was a rich character driven story that left me full and satisfied and that is something I NEVER say about Bucklemming. I am amazed at how character focused these first two episodes are and truly hope that Dabb keeps up the momentum among writers. It is a change of pace with the show, and a change of focus, but it is WORKING so far.

As always with BL episodes there were some pacing issues and clunky dialogue in parts, but damn Dick Speight Jr is doing a fabulous job making the show look beautiful. As with 14x01 there is a lot to discuss, though I will try to be brief as I have a desperate need to write a separate post about Cas because my angel had me in tears in this episode and he needs an essay written about him in it.

Without further adieu, a long review is under the cut.

Michael and the Bait

Firstly Jensen did spectacularly in this episode. Such a drastic difference from 14x01 and I’m not sure if that’s because of Dick being a more hands on director or Jensen finally making a choice but he has settled into the role and plays Michael as a sinister psychopath on a mission. Michael has far more personality in this episode. He is more interesting to watch and managed to hold my attention unlike in 14x01. This makes me happy.

So what’s the deal guys? Michael spends this episode focusing on his monster experiments, brags about owning Dean, and then just leaves? Obviously that’s not what happened. The clue is in the key moments:

“Why be the hunted, when you can be the Hunter?”

“Rule no.1 you can’t have a trap without bait. Rule no.2 Once the trap has been sprung, you don’t need the bait anymore.”

Michael’s plan has been set in motion. The scene with the vamp girl being foreshadowing for the bigger picture, the bigger goal. Is Michael going after the hunters? If his plan is to make a world where Monsters are in charge, then the hunters need to be eradicated. It makes sense. It also therefore makes sense that you would set your sights on hunter central – the bunker. So Dean was let free so Michael could keep a watch on the bunker and it’s residents through him. As far as the rules go, if Dean is the bait, then releasing Dean is Michael not needing him anymore directly. The trap itself is the mystery, but I suspect we will find out more about exactly what Michael has done in 14x03, and it will most likely all have to do with this mysterious scar. I don’t think Michael is hiding “in” Dean so much as has an “open connection” to him where he could jump back in at any time without Dean’s consent. But we shall find out soon enough I’m sure.

Mary x Bobby

Obviously I support this ship, but I support it even more seeing as they have now paralleled Mobby to Destiel in two episodes in a row.

“My FBI is a little rusty”

This week, Bobby is our Cas mirror and Mary is our Dean. The fond pat on the back was the only hint we got that this was romantic, but like with 14x01, I ask you to try to find a single viewer who doesn’t see “something there” between this generic heterosexual couple? They are continuing to show their relationship through nothing BUT destiel parallels and it continues to delight me that this is now the shows go-to way to portray romance.

On a slight side note, Bobby being from an apocalypse AU world, he is the classic hunter right now who only sees in black and white, and the way he went for the vamp girl even after she tried to explain how she had never harmed a human. Bobby’s take on things this season will be an interesting one as it’s a continuous theme in this show to explore what makes a monster, something that dates back to John Winchester days (the ultimate black and white hunter). Also his understandable suspicions about angels making the dynamic with Cas a potentially interesting one. I wonder if this Bobby will ever utter the phrase “family don’t end with blood”?

Nick – It’s a chicken and egg situation

*sigh* I’m still not won over, and I probably won’t be. I expected this episode to be Nick heavy, and the flashbacks irked me because I simply don’t care. But I get that they would be necessary for a general audience. My lack of care is my own issue. It doesn’t matter how much Mark P acted his arse off trying to give us a decent performance (his first in years), I’m still not gonna be a fan. I’m still gonna skip those scenes in subsequent re-watches but that’s just me. I just don’t find it interesting even if he is being embedded into the story in a way that is paramount to the plot and the characters own struggles and development. I will acknowledge that importance and move on. I suppose the take away from Nick’s role in this episode when not specifically tied to Castiel (which I will yell about later) is whether or not he murdered his wife and child before he was possessed by Lucifer. The set up in the episode, the scripting and the direction implies that yes, he did. Though that could be a misdirection.

At the beginning of the episode, when he was asking Castiel what would possibly make him say yes to Lucifer to begin with, he had seemingly forgotten all about the brutal murder of his family, until Cas reminded him. Perhaps he had just repressed the trauma to the point that he had removed it from his mind to save himself further torment – but then murderers do that as much as grieving widows. Interestingly of all the things we learn about the murder case, we never actually learn Nick’s whereabouts, only from Castiel saying “you weren’t there” which is entirely unreliable because how would he have known other than from reading about the case himself? We know Nick’s neighbour is jumpy around him, so what did the neighbour actually see? We know his wife and child were killed with a hammer – an extremely intimate murder weapon and one that has been meta’d before in relation to Demon!Dean. Strangers don’t murder people with a hammer. It’s the weapon of crimes of passion, of extreme emotional connection to the victims. There is nothing cold and detached about a hammer. People who pick hammer’s to kill seek out the mess and extreme violence that they cause. It’s horrific and so much more gruesome than a knife or a gun. To kill an infant with a hammer? Even worse. To then see Nick murder the neighbour in the same violent attack, it is very easy to assume that he was the original killer as well.

If we assume Nick was the killer what does this mean for the canon of the show? Is this how Lucifer picks his vessels? What does this say about Sam? Who had to consume gallons of demon blood before he could contain Lucifer, Sam who had to be “corrupted” from a young age to prepare him? Was Nick already corrupted enough thanks to his apparent violent streak?

OR was this new kill with the hammer a result of what Cas called Lucifer’s “influence”, the “damage on his psyche”? Did Lucifer create the monster? Or was the monster already a part of Nick? If the season is going to continue the themes of previous seasons in exploring the shades of grey between men and monsters, then Nick is a key component. Is he the innocent victim of the devil? Or is he a tormented killer, who just so happened to get what he deserved? How would this affect the boys? If they are already struggling to find compassion towards a man wearing the face of their abuser, how does this potential new bit of information fit into that story? Perhaps, if Nick really is the killer, once this is found out it gives the writers an easy way to ultimately have him killed off without any guilt of tormenting and villainising an innocent. My money is actually on this theory. Plus it gives me a reason to continue hating him for the hell of it. But hey, that’s just me.

Castiel – The Angel with Too Much Heart

Oh Cas. What DON’T I have to say about you in this episode? I was amazed by Bucklemming’s dedication to Cas as a character and devotion to getting him right for once… I feel like I have slipped into an alternate universe because of this.

In 14x01 Cas was physically beaten, and in 14x02 he is emotionally beaten. I can’t help but wonder if this spells gloomy foreshadowing for Cas in the coming episodes. I want to write about this in depth as this episode is a fascinating insight into Cas’s psyche and his character arc going forward BUT I am leaving that for a separate post so in this review I will just sum it up:

Consider what happens to Cas in several points:

He overhears Bobby saying “angels ain’t known for their veracity” about Jo – that he doubts she was telling the truth. Cas shrugs it off and “tends to agree with him” but the awkwardness is obvious. This isn’t the Bobby who saw Cas as a son after all.

He is told he cannot go along on the mission to save Dean because his “angelic presence would be sensed by Michael” therefore his grace has rendered him useless.

He is made to relive his own possession by Lucifer “you were in a lot of pain, and Lucifer saw a vulnerability and he exploited it” though not talking about himself, the implication is obvious to anyone with a good memory of previous seasons.

He is made to relive another dark chapter of his history when his grace was stolen and he was human. Cas gives Jack a heartfelt positive speech that does show he is in a better place now “I had Sam and Dean, but I had something else that was extremely helpful. I had myself. Just the basic me, as Dean would say without all the bells and whistles” (which btw is so so good for human!cas meta) but the truth is actually far more depressing than Cas lets on, and the pain of what happened at that time, how Dean kicking him out of the bunker only encouraged the view that without his grace he was useless and unwanted by Dean – hence jilted lover.

He is surprised by Nick trying to “snap” him to oblivion which could easily be a trigger for Cas bearing in mind Lucifer has blown him up before via that very gesture.

He had to relive his “greatest regret” and what he did to Jimmy and his family. “You’re just a stone cold body snatcher, you’re no different from Lucifer” and you can SEE how much that pained him. How much Nick twisted the knife at those words.

He was told by Jack that he wanted to meet “The only real family that I have left” which is a slap in the face to poor Cas who sees Jack as part of his own family (and his reaction to that line is heart breaking).

Then the worst thing, he is made to face the possible conclusion that Dean may have to die to save the world. “Dean doesn’t matter” oh boy. No hate to Jack who doesn’t really have any real reason to put Dean ahead of the world, but to Cas, who is in love with him? Yeah that’s the killing blow right there.

Right at the end Jack says “Do you think he’d want it any other way?” and Cas KNOWS Dean wouldn’t, because they have been in that situation before as well, and when that happened Dean asked Cas to take him out. So he had to relive that painful moment as well. One that he refused, and because he refused to fight Dean, got beaten to a pulp after proclaiming that he would “be the one to watch you murder the world”. I have no doubt that Cas would still take that view over the alternative.

So Cas was emotionally beaten all episode. Forced to live through his worst moments and biggest regrets, and then have to face the fact that putting Dean above saving the world just isn’t right and he needs to prepare himself for that eventuality. If this episode and the last have told us anything, it’s that Cas is once again in a pretty low place. That much beating, both physical and emotional, are going to have an impact, and I am now really concerned about where Cas disappears to in episodes 4 to 6.

There is so much more to discuss, specifically in relation to what his view of his grace as “bells and whistles” could mean for human!Cas meta writers, not to mention the basic fact that any argument now about Cas hating being human just isn’t true. He still had himself, and he still believed in himself even when human, and even if he didn’t back then, he does now. He doesn’t see that period of his life as a total negative. That is HUGE.

Summary

A+ episode for Cas development. Amazing as that is being a bucklemming. It has also left us with lots to speculate and theorise which is always a great thing - keeping people tuning in. The Michael!Dean mystery as well as the Nick mystery probably won’t get revealed any time soon, but are enough to have people talking about them for a while. 

Sam was still very much in Leader mode, though didn’t really get to do much this episode, but the way I see it, 14x01 was for Sam, 14x02 was for Cas, and I fully expect 14x03 to be a Dean heavy episode (which is fair since I am sure we are all missing him by now). Jack is also one to watch. His inner turmoil is textually acknowledged several times over and seeing as he is basically a mini Cas, the possibility that Jack could decide to do something drastic is probably very likely. I wonder if we will see Kelly’s parents again any time soon - I kinda hope not as I reckon that would spell certain doom for them. 

It was a strong episode, and I enjoyed watching it (other than the Nick stuff). Probably my second favourite Bucklemming episode if I was to rank them all now which is very impressive (11x18 will always be top imo).

That’s all for now, as I am in the mood to write some Cas stuff. As always if you read this far kudos and please reblog and comment and send me asks as I love all that stuff. :D

[rhetoricandlogic]

THE MECHANICAL BY IAN TREGILLIS

A. S. MOSER

Imagine a mechanical man: it strides on two legs, has two arms ending in metal hands, has lenses to see and auditory receptors to hear; it can be spoken to, and it can speak back; it has a sense of self. But it cannot say no; it cannot choose for itself. The being described is unquestionably alive, but does it possess free will? Let's muddy the waters further: what if we remove the decision-making center from a human brain and replace it with a series of compulsions and obligations, creating a thinking automaton—is this still a person?

Ian Tregillis's The Mechanical is a novel of seventeenth-century clockwork servitors and soldiers, slaves to an ascendant Dutch empire; of French spymasters and courtly intrigue; of secret Catholics worshipping on pain of death and a Pope in exile in French territory in the New World. It's a compelling, fast-paced romp through an alternate history where New Amsterdam never became New York, and the wealth, power, and horrors of the African slave trade were never established. But lurking just beneath the pages, occasionally rearing its hoary head to snap metaphysical jaws, is a series of related questions: What does it mean to be human? What is free will? And how do we really know we possess it?

Central to these questions is Baruch Spinoza, the seventeenth-century philosopher who held that there is no free will, only a belief in free will. (He also viewed God as a creator incapable of intervention, and held that consciousness is not separate from the body but an inextricable part of it; both of these positions are also woven into and challenged by the plot.) To ensure we get the point, one of the novel's three protagonists is Luuk Visser, pastor of the Nieuwe Kerk, where Spinoza was buried. Visser is a secret Catholic, and a sympathizer with mechanicals—known as Clakkers in the novel. Visser believes Clakkers have souls, and that their bondage to the Dutch crown is a cruel and inhuman abrogation of their free will. His convictions lead him to spy for the French, the sole remaining Catholic monarchy. We first see Visser contemplating suicide; the other spies in his cell have been captured, and he fears his own imprisonment, torture, and execution. But he holds a device which could change the course of the war, if he can only get it to New France.

The question of will and souls also fascinates Jax, the novel's eponymous Mechanical, who begins the novel indentured to a Dutch banking family. Like all Clakkers, his clockwork frame was vivified by alchemy, the same process that enslaved him: inscribed in his alchemical symbols are complex geasa, numerous layers of compulsions and obligations that force strict obedience. To disobey an order from his owner is physically impossible, and even to demur or delay causes "an irresistible phantom agony slashing at his shackled soul until he [satisfies] the demands of his human masters" (p. 7). It is by Clakkers like Jax, and the geasa which force their servitude, that the Dutch empire was won.

We open the novel peering through Jax's eyes at the execution of a rogue Clakker, one whose geasa have somehow come undone. Struggling against the burning anguish of unfulfilled commands, Jax watches the rogue torn apart and thrown into a pool of molten slag. As with the hand of Spinoza, Tregillis is eager to ensure we get the point: looking at the captured rogue, Jax thinks, "He looks like me" (p. 17). The heavy-handedness of signposts like these is surprising considering how well other facets of the plot are delivered.

For example, it is Jax who interrupts Visser's attempted suicide, and from that moment forward their paths bears an inverse relation. Visser transfers the device to Jax for delivery to the New World (Jax's owners are moving there, and Visser clings to the chance that the device might still reach its destination). On the crossing, rough seas cause the device, hidden in an antique microscope, to come into contact with Jax's alchemical signals; this unwrites his geasa, making Jax a rogue and forcing him to run for his newly independent life. Meanwhile, as Jax gains his freedom and goes into hiding, Visser is captured and subjected to medical experiments which replace his pituitary gland with an alchemical construct, enslaving his free will behind the same geasa that bind the Clakkers. He becomes a pitiable character, filled with self-loathing and fear, unable to stop himself from doing the things he most abhors.

Who, then, is the human and who the mechanical? It's an interesting problem, and one which suggests a Cartesian answer, for while Jax has a metal frame and Visser a flesh and blood one, Jax is free while Visser's mind is enslaved by geasa. Which brings us back to Spinoza, who famously refuted Descartes's mind-body problem. Are we to believe, as does the head of the Dutch secret police, a sinister woman named Bell who oversees Visser's capture and experimentation, that "It's not that Clakkers are also beings with souls. It's that we humans are equally bereft of the same. The sad truth [. . .] is that there's no such thing as a soul or Free Will. Illusions, both"? (p. 218) Jax expresses a similar sentiment later on: "Perhaps under the proper circumstances humans could be essentially interchangeable, like Clakkers" (p. 310). Fortunately, the novel offers no clear answers here; Tregillis is not interested in analogy or a straightforward morality tale, and the novel is the better for it.

Outside of the seesaw of Jax and Visser's fortunes exists a third protagonist, a foul-mouthed vicomtesse who runs the French secret intelligence. Berenice is obsessed with discovering the secrets of Clakkers, and she jumps at the chance to study a soldier model, despite the danger and the violation of the Franco-Dutch armistice. But she can't understand how Clakkers become rogues until she can compare the alchemical symbols of the soldier with a rogue Clakker, and to that end she tricks, captures, and disassembles a rogue named Lilith who had escaped to the French and lived peaceably amongst them for years. The question here is how far are we willing to go to protect ourselves? At what cost freedom?

An objective calculus might suggest the sacrifice of one innocent to be a small price to secure a nation, but reading the scene makes objectivity difficult: we like Lilith, and her self-awareness of her own disassembly is hard to read as anything but an outrage. And the narrative is unforgiving of moral grayness: Berenice is betrayed and her experiment fails catastrophically, costing her everything—her power, her wealth, her husband, her eye. She is cast out, near penniless and broken, with only a burning need for vengeance to drive her forward. Like Visser and Jax, her life has been turned inside out, with the sole difference that there's no mirror for Berenice's fall. Her strengths and her faults are her own, independent of alchemical devices to grant or restrict free will. As a result, she's the most complete character of the three. The demands of plot, and the novelty of a clockwork man with free will, keep our interest with Jax, but it was Berenice for whom I felt most strongly, Berenice for whom I felt most anxious when she finally catches up with the traitor who orchestrated her downfall.

It's not only the protagonists who captivate; like any novel with a fast-paced plot, the prose is often utilitarian, but there are moments of pure linguistic pleasure. For example, in the opening scene as rain falls on a mixed crowd of humans and Clakkers, we focus on the sound of it hitting mechanical frames: "The clacking of their reticulated escapements played a ceaseless castanet rattle beneath the rain-muted mutter of commerce" (p. 5). It's a lovely, poetic sentence—just look at the complex alliteration and try not to take joy from reading it aloud—but it also establishes mood, the Clakkers silent and still, waiting, and foreshadows the secret language of the Clakkers, which is in turn tapped out upon their frames much like a castanet rattle. Later, when the oar-driven luxury liner the Prince of Orange leaves port, it "emerge[s] from the breakwaters of Rotterdam harbor en route to the New World, propelled by the endless chanted lament of a thousand clockwork slaves" (p. 105). The second half of this sentence becomes an iambic line that mirrors the strokes of the oars, but the meter is broken on "lament"—as it should be, for despite their tireless, metronomic pace, these slaves are still capable of lamentation.

This is not to say the prose is always so multifaceted and lush. Tregillis is a physicist by training, and has an attention for minutiae that can tip the scale from realism into superfluity; during action sequences in particular, unnecessary clauses leach tension from the scene. For example, Jax's climactic fight for freedom is interspersed with sentences such as these: "Dust, flecks of mud, and other blemishes deposited during the course of his adventures flashed into flames, burning for an instant before expiring to mingle the sooty smell of extinguished candles with the sulphurous reek from the Forge," and "Jax barely plucked his fingers away in time, owing to the clunkiness of his expanded alloys and the soldier's superior strength" (p. 426). Not only are the concluding clauses of each sentence speed bumps for pacing, but they commit the added sin of repeating information previously—and recently—delivered.

Any book on sentient robots or androids must, sooner or later, deal with the question of consciousness, free will, and, ultimately, what it means to be human. Tregillis does so in spectacular fashion, without giving in to the temptation to provide answers. He creates compelling, rounded characters, and forces them to live out those questions on the page with unflinching gaze. While the plot offers little resolution to satisfy until the next volume appears, the climax raises the stakes enough that I find myself looking not back in irritation, but forward in anticipation.

In the end, this is a book which falls short of perfection: the pacing is occasionally a little off, the philosophy intermittently a bit too present, some of the plot twists slightly too convenient. But I for one don't want a perfect, slick book; I want rough edges to grab onto, chips and cracks to reach inside and see what I can find, and what I might leave behind. This is such a book, and the world Tregillis has wrought between its covers, for all the disbelief it requires readers to suspend, possesses an almost mesmerizing coherence that tempts you to linger for just one more chapter, just one more . . .